soos_mite_ah

I have dealt with much of what was on the original list Now it's time to make a new list My weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality My boundaries and what I want in a relationship and how I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship Any amount of social awkwardness Returning back to school and facing my professors (this is more anxiety inducing but the root of it is shame regarding competence) Since the list is relatively short, I think I'm going to introspect and journal about them in my main journal.

Cleaning Up I crossed out a lot of things and I just wanted to clean things up so it's easier for me to organize my thoughts and follow along. I also rearranged the items on the list that I can't do because I'm stuck in the house and I moved them to the bottom. The Original To Do List I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around 75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items) , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal. I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm ~~~***manifesting***~~~ Gain clarity about career/life purpose Achieve financial freedom: Need to focus on getting my degree and an internship first Stop procrastinating: Doing much better at this tbh but I think the real test will be when I go back to school. Be gentle with yourself Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself: Still uncomfortable but I'm getting better Work through shame: I worked through a lot of the shame but I noticed some new ones come to the surface. Deal with social anxiety Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: I'm just going to let myself be imperfect for a minute because I'm already working on a lot of things Shadow work Deal with your issues around competence: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything Creating more confidence: I feel like I'm in a more confident head space after doing everything that I've been doing but I think there is room for improvement mainly on how confident I feel with my boundaries and what I authentically want. I think I will basically deal with this in the process of working through shame Deal with spiritual ego Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Taking a break from Leo's deeper content has helped. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing Build your social life: stuck in the house because of COVID Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID

4/10/2021 Being in Progress I bolded the stuff that is in progress at the moment and wrote down some stuff that I'm doing on the side as a reference. I have completed some of the things on this list so I have crossed those out but again writing things on the side this is a good way to see where I'm at and give credit where it's due. I italicized the stuff that I can't take care of at the moment or that I'm purposefully delaying because of my circumstance. I know it's been only about 3 weeks since I created the list and it might seem too quick to cross things out but the thing is that I have been reflecting on these items and I had them written down before I compiled everything on this journal. I've been working on a lot of these things since like early February tbh. This journal just helps me organize and track my progress more efficiently.

Self Control is Overrated Part 2: Creating Habits I feel that good and bad habits can be created the same way. After all, good and bad are labels that we plop onto something depending on what is in our interests. Habits are habits. I tried doing this thing where I tried of observe how my bad habits are formed and what lessons I can learn from that in order to create good habits. One thing that I noticed with bad habits is that they tend to be gradual and something that tends to sneak up on people. For example, no one goes from being a nonsmoker to being someone who smokes a pack a day. It starts little by little until you build up the tolerance to do more. The other thing I noted is that this gradual process isn't something that is forced, you do it at your own pace to what feels natural. That's why bad habits feel like they sneak up on you. It's not like you make a resolution where you're like "ok I'm going to build up a smoking habit by smoking a pack a day for 28 days straight because that's how you create permanent habits." Like you aren't going to be able to sustain that long enough to create the habit. I know the last sentence seems absurd but that's what I see a lot of people do when it comes to creating good habits. I get repetition is important to cement something mentally, but in my experiences and observations, when someone says something along the lines of "I'm going to do (exercise, diet etc.) for 28 days straight in order to create a habit* it almost always fails. And then people blame themselves for not having enough self control or discipline. I found what helps with creating good habits for me is to set an intention but not force anything. I'll implement said habit in my own pace. That helped me stopped being perfectionistic and stopped me from beating myself up when I would fail or slip up on the 28 day challenges. It also helped me tap into the authenticity of where I was at rather than forcing myself to be else where. I found this method to be slower than the 28 day method, but I found it to be more sustainable and more healthy. Sometimes when we make ourselves feel obligated to do something or introduce the element of brute forcing something, the passion for what we are doing gets lost. I see this all the time with creative types who are really passionate about their craft but once you put them into art school and push a bunch of deadlines, suddenly their passion starts waning overtime because it no longer feel authentic rather it feels like an obligation. Similarly, when we make something an obligation for ourselves, the passion for implementing a habit gets lost too and next thing you know you build up more resistance to creating the habit. In other words, I find it easier to gently ease into a habit at my own pace instead of forcing anything. The sustainability and the discipline then comes naturally and next thing you know, you built up a sense of momentum to where you don't need to exercise a lot of self control because it has become natural. I know this won't work for everyone but I found that it works for me, especially when the goal or habit I'm trying to implement is coming from an authentic place to where I have an intuitive feeling that I'm ready to implement said goal or habit. Sometimes, we're simply not ready to tackle a goal because we need to work on other areas of our lives or we have too much on our plate. And that is ok. Do things in your own time. Be honest with yourself and tell yourself if you don't want to do something. Just because you don't want to do something now doesn't mean you won't ever want to do it, it just means that now it's not the time. For instance, before when I would try to go on diets in the past, that goal was forced and didn't come from an authentic place rather it came from a lot of insecurity. Because of that, I didn't take the gradual, sustainable or healthy approach. But when I fixed my diet this time around, creating habits were easy because my goal felt natural and authentic to me and as a result, the way I went about approaching the problem was much less neurotic. I found the same was true when I had to apply to jobs and internships recently. When I let go of the pressure to perform, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders which then allowed me to perform more. Letting go of resistance or our responses to resistance lets us flow into what we want to achieve more easily.

Self Control is an Overrated Part 1: The Path to Self Discipline I have been having some health issues lately and that compelled me to get my diet under control. I have learned somethings about the process of sustainable habit creation in the process. I always thought that eating healthy required a lot of self control and self discipline. I also thought that self control and self discipline were the same thing but there is a nuance that I will get into later. Before these health issues arose, I did do a lot of what I now call unsustainable starvation diets as a teenager. It included but was not limited to elimination diets (whether that meant cutting out fats, carbs, or meat), juice/smoothie cleanses, fasting etc. It left me feeling hungry and with a dysfunctional relationship with food and my body. A lot of these diets were branded as healthy so growing up I thought that healthy meant that I was going to be hungry but I had self control to not overeat. After my health issues arose, I looked for more sustainable and flexible forms of eating. The idea of going keto for the rest of my life and cutting out all bread didn't seem like a good option for me (tried it out and didn't work). I wanted a more gentle approach. I did a whole post regarding gentleness and how it relates to discipline. Firstly, I changed the grocery store I was shopping at. I had to because I was going gluten free and Walmart didn't have what I needed so I started shopping at Sprouts. Walmart just has everything but Sprouts is one of those health food grocery stores with organic, all natural everything. Just changing my surroundings helped me gain more self discipline around junk food. Sprouts doesn't have much junk food and what they do have is usually made with better ingredients and has less added sugar. Eventually I stopped craving those foods after not eating them for a while and when I did go back to Walmart on the occasion that I needed something, my temptations were gone. I didn't have to exercise self control to build this sense of self discipline. At Sprouts, I didn't have the circumstances where I would face a lot of resistance to where I had to build a sense of control. To me self control is resisting resistance/temptations/cravings etc. I think self control is necessary, but only relying on that to push through with brute force is often not sustainable and can be tiring. I feel that if you constantly have to rely on self control, there needs to be some type of systemic solution that needs to be implemented so that it is easier to make good habits and build the momentum to create a disciplined life. Often times solutions that require brute force self discipline are usually unsustainable long term or really extreme and sometimes dangerous because it is undisciplined discipline. I think water fasting for any number of days is a good example of this. It you do it for multiple days, you can't even go back to eating normal food right away because you might get refeeding syndrome. Even though people do it for spiritual reasons while others do it to lose weight or get clear skin once and for all, to me in most cases it looks like a form of self harm (I know there are exceptions for sure) rather than a way to to build self control and discipline. Anyway, for me, my systemic changes was changing my environment. It was also adding more fats and protein into my diet. I used to crave sugar for the longest time. I always wrote it off as me not having self control and not being strict enough with myself and because of that I was in the mindset that in order to be healthy I need to restrict more. I thought that there was something wrong with me, not in the diet I was on. But after introducing more fats and protein, those cravings naturally went away. I was able to cut out sugar and maintain that habit without exerting a lot of self control. The reason why I was craving sugar wasn't because I was some type of crazed sugar addict but it was because I didn't have enough nutrients in my system, thus leaving me un-satiated and wanting to eat anything that was in front of me. This taught me that a lot of times, when we think we lack self control and are going through some type of back lash, that isn't us taking steps back rather it is our survival skills keeping us safe. For my case with my "sugar cravings", my lack of self control was an indication of "HEY FEED ME, YOU'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG" instead of "HEY EAT THIS BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE THE SELF CONTROL TO BE SKINNY, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU." Brute forcing can do much more harm than good because it can cause you to be out of touch with your needs and be out of alignment because you aren't going with the flow of where you authentically are in your development of yourself or whatever habit you're trying to implement. And when you are always out of alignment and constantly facing resistance, again, that can get tiring and that can also cause long term wear. For me in this example, that long term wear was my metabolism slowing down because my body thought I was in starvation mode from eating too less calories. I'm sure people can come up with similar accounts with implementing habits and exercising self control in other areas of life. I thought that discussing my process of fixing my diet was a good example with a good amount of context. I went ahead and bolded things that are key takeaways from this whole experience.

Concerns Around Dating I've been reflecting on this lately and I thought I'd air out all of my concerns and limiting beliefs around dating. I'm doing this in a stream of consciousness and I say this because I know that I'm just saying things without really thinking about it so some things might be a little over the top. I'm scared of being cheated on I'm scared of being gas lit I'm scared of a toxic or abusive relationship I'm scared of a Tinder date going wrong and ending up missing I'm scared of being drugged I don't want to be taken advantage of I don't want to be used as a therapist I don't want to be manipulated I'm nervous about him not respecting me or my boundaries I don't want to deal with desperate, pushy guys I'm nervous about sex being seen as an expectation rather than something that I authentically want in my own timing I'm scared of being sexually assaulted or coerced into sex I'm scared of being strung along only to be pumped and dumped I'm scared of having my feelings toyed with just so he can get sexual validation I'm scared of guys who only want me for my body and don't value other aspects of who I am as much I don't want to be with a guy who is cold, distant, and doesn't care about me I don't want to be with a guy who is obsessive and goes too fast because that usually leads to abuse I don't want to be in a toxic or codependent dynamic even if it is unintentional on his part narcissists, psychopaths, conservatives, fascists, incels, red pilled people, MGTOW etc. I feel like I have to be on guard and vigilant in the initial stages of dating instead of letting myself have fun and connect to someone I'm sometimes nervous about my standards of how I'm treated being too high because I'm getting impatient and I get tempted to lower my standards Sometimes I feel like I'm asking for too much when I want a guy to treat me gently and recognize my needs and desires without being dismissive I'm concerned about my experiences as a woman being dismissed and having a man mansplain to me about what I've been through I'm concerned about a guy who doesn't take me seriously I'm concerned about grooming and other creepy behaviors from older men I'm nervous about dealing with one of those red pilled guys and/ or who believe in women losing their value after 25 (creepy af) I'm concerned about men using my naivety, my youth, and my lack of sexual experience against me I don't want to be fetishized for my race or "purity" whatever tf that means to a guy I don't want to deal with anyone who is racist, sexist, or homophobic especially if they try to play it off as "dark humor" I'm scared that most of the guys I come a cross fall under one of the things I said above I'm nervous about being seen as crazy or paranoid for my concerns and having them be dismissed only to be told I should've been more vigilant when something bad happens to me I'm scared of something bad happening to me and it being my fault

I think the sentiment of not demonizing femininity and calling out limiting tropes like the "i'm not like other girls trope" is becoming more widely accepted. That trope feels like one of those things that was everywhere in the early 2000s and I feel that a lot of women my age watched that and internalized limiting views on femininity and now that we're old enough to look back at the time with a critical eye, we see why we have certain attitudes subconsciously and people are trying to unpack all that. As far as people adopting the bimbo aesthetic, I can't say that I know people that dress in that way so in that way it's more fringe. But then again, a lot of aesthetics whether it is something like cottagecore, being an egirl, the dark academia aesthetic etc, it's so individualized to where you can't say that there are any wide sweeping trends. To me it sometimes feel like every other day there is a new aesthetic that gives birth to a sub culture of people who are into similar things since the internet makes it easy to create communities. I think that with separating people from the ethics and values the present is important to avoid attributing character traits based on your surface level perception of them. I think another thing to consider is why we attribute certain meanings and perceptions of moralization on what we see and what influences that view. Like why do we see certain things as inherently/ universally sexual and why do we apply meanings like the purity and moral value? Sometimes critique isn't justifiable like how society perceives traditionally feminine attributes as sexual or frivolous because of misogyny. Sometimes critique can be justifiable such as in situations involving cultural appropriation because of power dynamics involved. But yeah, personal attacks aint it when you're trying to critique ethics and values of presentation. It defeats the argument. I remember watching a documentary on that. I don't know if being a bimbo was a thing before the 50s but reducing a woman down to her physical appearance and not considering any other aspect of her identity or life isn't anything new.

Self Expression vs Safety Ok so I bought some cute clothes the other week and I feel great to where I want to post it on this journal. The blue crop top and the skirt is so loose and comfortable. I also really like the floral print on it and how I can mix and match the top and the bottom with the other clothes I have. As for the white outfit, I feel absolutely gorgeous in it. I'm a little nervous wearing it out but thankfully those are shorts, not a skirt so even though its short I dont have to worry too much (it's one of those types of shorts) I'll admit I'm a little hesitant with posting this because I'm worried about weirdos on the internet. It also got me thinking about when I shopping there were a couple of low cut shirts that looked really good on me. I only bought one and even though I look and feel great in it, I'm nervous about wearing it out. I'm nervous about the cat calls, the disrespect, the creepy behavior etc. Honestly, I just want to have my tits out in peace. I just love the way they look on me. It's not a sexual thing and I hate that I even have to say that because of the way women's chests are sexualized. I could say that I love my arms for example and show them off and no one would say anything or think that's sexual but it as different with my chest. Ok smh.... Then I was like, exactly how much of my self expression is cut off due to safety reasons because men don't understand consent or basic social skills? If I were to be brutally honest, if it was socially acceptable for women to be shirtless the way it's acceptable for men, I'd be all for it. The double standard is so annoying. Also being labeled a whore doesn't bother me that much. Sure it's annoying that people assume sexual things about be because of the way I'm built and that's weird. But my main thing is the physical safety part. I know people might think that I'm trying to dress in a revealing way to appeal to men. HONEY THAT COULDN'T BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. Tbh if straight men didn't exist for a few days, I wouldn't have to think twice about if I have to cover up. I would probably dress more provocatively because that's what I'm into (and if a woman desires to cover up for herself that's on her too we don't decide what is or isn't freeing for people). Also another thing that I don't know if I touched on is the way that femininity is sexualized. Feminine presenting people tend to deal with more harrassment regardless of gender. Vaush does a good break down on this when it comes to feminine guys and the issues they face. It's one if the reasons why growing up I felt uncomfortable with embracing femininity because I thought it meant that I was painting myself as an airhead who morphed herself to appeal to men. Why tf does femininity have to be for men? We don't dress the way we do or do our makeup because our worlds revolve around men. If we embrace our femininity, it isn't for purpose of attracting men. Why cant it just be *hey this is what I like and this is an authentic expression of who I am*? I'm tired of the whole male gaze and I want do what I like without people assuming that it involves a guy. Not everything revolves around men and if they were less egotistical to where they understood that we wouldn't be in this problem. (I honestly think that specifically men who think like this are projecting because they are the type that tries to be extra masculine even if it doesn't feel authentic to them in order to get girls because they are insecure about their desirability so they assume that women do the same thing with their femininity) And then this turns into a self fulfilling prophecy because men think that we dress for them, they start thinking they are entitled, they harass women on the streets and then suddenly we have to consider what men think when it comes to our personal decisions for our safety and peace of mind.

Updating My Style Since my dad got both dose, my parents felt comfortable with letting me get out to do something other than go to the grocery store. The other week I went and bought myself some new clothes. It was uncomfortable to spend money on myself when it isn't a necessity. But I still bought myself some clothes anyway. Apart from feeling beautiful and confident, I found myself feeling more in alignment with who I'm becoming and that feels amazing. It's like the Teal Swan quote I posted in the previous page from the video where she talks about boundaries. I mentioned earlier in this journal how my whole vibe as a person is changing and how I made a Pinterest board to get more in touch with my aesthetic. This whole process made me feel more like myself and made me feel more in tune with my sense of self expression. I know better than to rely on consumerism for self care but this felt refreshing. The problem isn't consumption, it's copious consumption. Plus I'm not relying on consumerism because I'm doing plenty of work on myself outside of buying things. I also observed myself feeling less repressed after shopping. I made a few posts about my feelings around repression. Here is one of them: Don't get me wrong, I want to do the other stuff on this list but I found myself not feeling that restless, neurotic feeling anymore. I feel a little bit more at peace and clear headed because I got this out of my system. It goes back to the whole integrating healthy stage orange that I talked about in my last post. I need to get out there and experience life so I can burn through my superficial desires and have the clear head to go after what is most meaningful. I think the biggest thing for me is having a social circle and getting into a relationship. Especially the getting into a relationship part. I find myself being super emotionally thirsty and wanting to explore my sexuality to the point where I know that occupies a large chunk of my mental energy. :Like I wake up in the morning and my first though is wanting to be cuddled. Every time I find myself distracted with a task or simply day dreaming, it usually me creating a romantic scenario in my head. And this happens much more than I feel comfortable with admitting lol. I'd be more efficient if I got it out of my system. The most irrelevant things on this list I'd say is the restaurant, and parties. Those things would be nice but aren't necessary to alleviate feelings of repression. I already went to a coffee shop recently just to chill there and I let myself eat inside of a building since my parent's calmed down a little. That's now out of my system. Also, after introspecting a little more, I realized that I don't care about parties, I was just in the house too long.

Credit Where Credit is Due I know I said I was taking a break from Leo's content and deep self improvement, but I just had the idea the other day to binge on Leo's older videos from like 2013-2015. I'm honestly impressed by how far his content has come from production value, content, and his speaking style. Not to mention how much he has grown since then. A lot of Leo's early stuff is basic self help. I noticed that I integrated most of those things though it didn't hurt to brush up on somethings. I'm proud of how far I come. I came towards a lot of these insights myself back when I was 13-18 tbh before discovering actualized.org. However, there are some more foundational things I probably should revisit. I journaled about this before but I jumped into transcendence early without fully going through integration. Again, you need a strong healthy ego before you transcend the ego. I tried to let go of everything too quickly and got attached to letting go. The foundational topics are really important even though they do have short comings and aren't the highest teachings. Also, I found myself demonizing stage orange less. Leo's early videos have a lot of healthy orange to them which can be pretty grounding. Again, even though I integrated most of the advice to the point where it feels like common sense, bringing healthy orange to the forefront to embrace it more was really helpful imo. I know life isn't about excitement and I identify with being more of an introspective homebody tbh, but I feel like I have more of a lust for life, a desire to go out and do things, to take in whatever life has to offer. I have been trying to integrate healthy orange for a couple years now and I think to continue that, my best bet it so be more action oriented and less in my head. That means being productive, making friends, and getting more life experience.

@Flowerfaeiry Yeah pick me games just aren't it. Pulling back a little can help with assessing the situation to see how balanced it is.

Yes Gender doesn't really matter but if you make the first move and the other person doesn't give back the same energy, they probably not interested. Instead if you find yourself always making the first move and the other person simply goes along with it without them also pursuing you, they have fallen into passive reciprocation. They are just going with it (reciprocation) because it's available, not because they want to or are willing to go out of their way, hence why it's passive. But once you pull back, there is a good chance they won't pursue because if they weren't pursuing then, they won't pursue now. Now I don't know your circumstance but if efforts are more equal but you happen to take a little more of the lead, that isn't really the problem because that's just how the dynamic played out. If it is more equal and you pull back a little, the other person will then start pursuing you but it rests on them still making an effort. The problem arises if you always have to pursue.

I think I'm either an INTJ or INFJ. I'm actually a scorpio. But if we are talking about astrology I think my virgo venus is to blame when it comes to being picky lol. Yeah that's a balance I have yet to master. I tend to be really cautious about these types of things. I'm scared of wasting my time and having more trauma. Got enough of that to work through because of my parents and upbringing. Don't need any more.

Have any of yall gone to a psychic medium? If so, what was your experience? If not, do you want to and why/ why not? Do yall have any freaky stories about predictions coming true or any stories about crazy outlandish predictions that are so out there it's hilarious? I asked a few questions to one yesterday and I was wondering if anyone else had any experiences just to talk about it.

Yeah I get skeptical of those types. I saw that thread. My dad got a reading decades ago and apparently all of that came true. My mom has mixed experiences, some that came true and some that didn't. Those predictions were specific and relatively out there so any amount of accuracy is wild lol. I've had a reading done recently because my mom insisted. I'm skeptical and the reading didn't blow my mind tbh.

If you don't want me commenting I'll hide my comment. How does that even happen? I apologize if this comes off as rude but I assure you it's coming from a place of curiosity since I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. For me, it takes me forever to find someone I tolerate romantically much less like. I've never been in a relationship.

Why I Chose to Remain a Virgin Honestly I'm just venting at this point. As much as I want to complain about not getting any action and even though I have some shame wrapped around being a virgin, I will say that it was my choice and that no amount of shame or pressure externally will cause me to change my mind. 1. I don't like anyone This is probably one of the biggest reasons. I had opportunities, I just don't like anyone. For the longest time I identified as asexual and I wasn't attracted to anyone at all. Now, I'm attracted to people every now and then but the people who approach me, I have no interest in them. Also it will take more than simple attraction for me to want to have sex. There are lots of people who I think are cute but that really doesn't mean anything tbh. 2. I want to be in a committed relationship first I know that once I start having sex, I probably won't be able to stop. I can't just lose it in a one night stand, because that isn't a reliable source I can keep coming back to. I want to explore my sexuality with someone, not just lose my virginity for the sake of it. I need emotional intimacy. I want there to be some type of romantic element. For me personally, I need that to feel good or feel anything at all sexually. That's what I noticed with my dating experiences. Emotional attraction/ bond > anything physical. I want my first time to be at least somewhat enjoyable. I want to lose it to someone I can trust and someone I'm comfortable with. Those things need to be built. Because I'm a virgin, I do have some nerves wrapped around having sex and I want to make sure this person will respect my boundaries and won't expect me to do things I'm not ready to do. 3. I'm one of those people who will get attached to the person I'm having sex with. Often times firsts do have emotional weight to them. Also personally, my love language is touch so I can see myself being the type to get attached. FWB and casual sex isn't really for me. Like I mentioned before emotional intimacy is important to me. Not all women are like this and that's ok. Women are allowed to have casual, no strings attached sex. But for me personally, that wouldn't be healthy or authentic. 4. I want to have clear judgement when I'm dating. I'm one of those people who can get attached to sex. I know there are some women who get blinded by good dick and next thing you know they are in a toxic relationship or they are attached to a guy who doesn't care about them. I don't want that to be me. I want to have a clear idea of a person's character and intentions outside of sex. 5. Health issues This not a reason anymore but it was a reason why I waited in the past. My period was extremely irregular to where I would go months without having it. If I were to be sexually active, I would have to play this game every month where I ask myself *so am I missing my period because my body is acting up or am I pregnant?* I didn't want to put myself through that anxiety. I have had pregnancy scares despite being a virgin lol. Thankfully I got that taken care of and I figured out what's going on with me. This is no longer a concern. 6. Access to birth control. This not a reason anymore but it was a reason why I waited in the past. I didn't get on birth control until recently due to my health issues. The birth control is supposed to regulate my hormones and let me have a normal cycle. But before all of this, it has been difficult to get on birth control because of my conservative parents even though I wanted to get on it for precautionary reasons (say I got drugged and raped at a party, the last thing I want to think of is *am I pregnant?*). I know condoms are a thing but I wanted to be extra careful by getting on birth control before doing anything because pregnancy is some sci fi shit and I'm not ready to have a kid. 7. I want to make sure I'm having sex for the right reasons. I don't think it's healthy to push myself to do something I'm not ready for or comfortable with because that's what everyone is doing and I want to be relatable. I think that would be an act of self betrayal to waiver on my own boundaries. I don't think it's healthy to want to have sex in order to feel desirable. I want to work on myself and straighten those things out first instead of rushing in and regretting things. But I will say that the main reason I want to have sex is for a healthy reason and that is to explore my sexuality and release anything I'm repressing. I have prioritized other things in my life and as a result my romantic needs were put to the side, that's why I'm a little repressed. And finally I just want to underscore that none of my reasons are wrapped around religion or any amount of repression with my sexuality. If anything, considering the things I want to try, I'd say that I'm fairly open minded and adventurous. I hate how some assume that I think sex is dirty or that I'm dogmatic around sex just because I want to wait. I hate how some people think I'm playing coy and that pick up tricks will change my mind. No, I just don't want to. The whole notion of trying to change my mind or trying to get me to bed feels so slimy and forceful. If I wanted to I would, you wouldn't have to convince me. I hate how people assume that I'm lying when I say I want to wait, especially when they assumed that I was promiscuous because of the way I'm built (being promiscuous isn't bad I just don't like people jumping to conclusions without knowing who I am). I hate how people assume that I'm trying to wait because I'm afraid of being labelled a slut. I don't see anything wrong with having sex on the first date or sleeping around, I just don't do those things because of my personal reasons. I'm not a prude who slut shames others, men or women. My reasons are secular, they honor my emotional needs, and have to do with my physical health.

Shame Around Being a Virgin I was lucky enough to go to a nerdy and progressive school all throughout high school when I identified as asexual. I faced some of the uncomfortable things that asexuals deal with like having people I don't really know too well ask me really personal questions about my sexuality and dealing with how sex obsessed our culture is. A lot of asexuals feel this sense of unrelatability with straight people but also the LGBTQ community. You see sexualized ads, sex on tv etc. and none of it really makes sense to you. The whole concept of how sex sells doesn't resonate (I also found research that debunks that myth but that's another topic). As an asexual, watching everyone being obsessed with sex is like having the Super Bowl happen but you aren't a football fan, except in this case, everyday is Super Bowl Sunday. As an asexual, I didn't see the big deal around sex. I didn't get why people would get worked up about being a virgin as if it was something shameful, as if you were undesirable if you haven't had sex, or worse how some people think you are impure if you are not a virgin. Like...just let people live whether it was a product of their choices or simply a product of timing. There is so much shame and judgement that can be wrapped up in conversations like these. Sex isn't a big deal and that doesn't mean that if sex is special to you or you don't want to sleep around you're making a big deal out of it. It's to say that whether you want to save yourself for marriage, have an orgy, don't care about sex, have sex be an important part of a relationship or whatever tf, it's relative to the person and doesn't say much about them. Just don't judge other people on their choices so long as no one is having their boundaries being crossed. But once I got to college, the feelings of unrelatability heightened. My college has a huge hook up culture and I felt excluded by that. It's like everyone is talking about sex, what they like, what they want to experience, stories about their experiences etc. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm interested in the topic of sexuality and I'm pretty comfortable around it. But a lot of those conversations feel one sided because there is only so much I have to say on the topic. A lot of times I'm sitting there like *oh that's nice glad you had fun... can't relate lol.* And this bred a sense of FOMO, like I wasn't living my best life or that I'm immature and inexperienced. It also doesn't help when guys find out I'm a virgin and say things like "oh you're so boring you need to live a little." I have things that I enjoy doing and that bring me fulfillment. If anything I think it's kind of sad that you define how exciting you are or your life is based on what you do with your genitals. That's how I normally think of situations like this but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't get to me. I recognized that part of the reason why I wanted to go out and have sex despite being asexual and not being attracted to anyone is so that I can relate to my peers and not feel like a weirdo who is late to the party. I rationalized my status of being virgin of hey I'm asexual, I don't really want to have sex if I'm being honest. And the people who know I'm asexual would get it and won't think much of it. My asexuality gave me a sense of protection from peer pressure But now I'm starting to identify as straight, which means I have to deal with the pressure of being a straight woman. I don't have the label of being asexual protecting me any more. I'm 21 year old who is a virgin, who hasn't kissed anyone, and who hasn't been in a relationship. A lot of it mainly has to do with me not liking anyone tbh. But as time goes on, I start feeling more weird and more isolated. Like when I was 16, a lot of this was normal, but at 21 it becomes less so. Sex starts feeling like more of an expectation. Something that I encounter a lot when I tell people that I'm a virgin, that I haven't kissed anyone, or that I haven't been in a relationship is people being really surprised. They're like "oh but you're so smart, and beautiful, and charming, how could someone like you be single for so long?" I hate this so much because there are plenty of men and women with limited dating experience who are perfectly fine as people. It's this assumption that if you aren't in a relationship or you aren't getting action, you are undesirable or that something is wrong with you. That can be incredibly toxic for a lot of people and can create a sense of insecurity or desperation or worse in extreme cases yield to incel ideology. Also just an fyi to any other virgins reading this, there is nothing wrong with you and you don't have virgin written across your forehead. No one knows or cares tbh unless you make a big deal out of it and get insecure. There are also 4 basic reactions that I get when I tell people that I want to wait to have sex. I have a variety of secular reasons for not wanting to jump into bed with someone which I'm going to make a post about a little later. Positive constructive: This guy respects my boundaries and sees me being a virgin as something neutral. He isn't shaming me or fetishizing me. Positive nonconstructive: This guy fetishizes my virginity and likes to have control over inexperienced women. He also slut shames other women with experience or feels intimidated by them. He may or may not be religious. Either way, he is creepy and cringey. Negative constructive: This guy respects my boundaries but sex and having an experienced partner is important to him for healthy reasons whether its because he is afraid of a power imbalance with being much more experienced compared to me, he wants to explore his sexuality with someone with more experience, or that sex is really important to him in a relationship. He and I are coming from different places and he respects that difference as well as his own desires/needs so he politely rejects me because we are looking for different things. He is pretty nonjudgmental. Negative nonconstructive: Sex is really important to this guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the problem comes when he doesn't respect my boundaries and is judgmental. He might shame me for being a virgin by calling me religious, prude, boring etc. He might pressure me or try to change my mind to sleep with him by pulling cheap tricks. Or he will be offended and tell me that I'm an ugly whore anyway. Basically he will exhibit a lot of creepy and cringey behavior. The constructive responses, whether they be positive or negative, don't really bother me. The nonconstructive responses make me uncomfortable, positive or negative. There is a HUGE part of me that really wants to explore my sexuality especially as a newly realized straight woman (that phrase feels really weird tbh). I want to explore sex as a form of both physical and emotional intimacy. But I'm frustrated because I can't find someone that I like. I've had opportunities to lose my virginity, have my first kiss, and get into a relationship in the past but I said no because I wasn't into the guy. Also being locked in the house because of the pandemic doesn't help. The pandemic along with getting older has caused me to feel impatient with all of this. Also, I think my desire to explore does breed a sense of jealousy. I see other people talking about their experiences and I get this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. It isn't disapproval because I see nothing wrong with what the are doing, but I think it has to do with me wanting to experience those things for myself. Finally, I hate to admit it but part of me wants to experience these things to know that I'm capable of experiencing these things. I see myself as desirable and beautiful inside and out but sometimes I feel that other people don't see me in that light. Men either friendzone me or they want to smash, there is no in between. I wish there was someone out there who saw me in a romantic light so there is both the physical and emotional forms of desirability.

This video really resonates with me

Not at all. I had a theology professor who I'm convinced is at stage turquoise. He spent a lot of the semester talking about nonduality and occasionally would touch on psychedelics. He also spent a couple years meditating in a monastery. I remember he also mentioned that a lot of his colleagues in his department were very materialist and identified with atheism despite doing their work on religion. A lot of them got into the subject because of their interest in history. From my interpretation, a lot of those people also began looking into religion with a critical eye because they were reacting against their stage blue upbringing as they moved into stage orange. What I'm trying to say is that whether your studies in theology manifests in a stage blue way is dependent on your stage of development, the way you analyze what you're studying, and what you're insights consist of.

It can be difficult to discern whether you are doing something to let go of conditioning or you are grabbing on to more conditioning. I think that cross road appears depending on why you want to integrate a polarity. If it's coming from a place of insecurity it can easily spiral into something cringey (like all of the alpha male bs) but if its coming from a place of expansion and love for yourself, then there is a lot of opportunity for growth. I agree with this to a certain extent in the sense that a lot of things isn't 100% exclusive for us and how there is no shame in wanting to look hot so long as you don't feel obligated to out of insecurity. But in my experience, the few women who were doing their makeup from a place of insecurity to attract men, never actually attract men. They just end up attracting women who appreciate their makeup skills instead lol. Because men aren't going to appreciate or understand how well you did your winged liner. Most of them can barely the difference between lipliner and lipstick. They don't care makeup lol. And women who wear makeup know this. They know that men don't appreciate makeup but the keep doing it because it is an authentic expression of their femininity and creativity. Personally, I find doing my makeup every now and then to feel therapeutic, like I'm doing something nice to take care of myself. Men are the last thing on my mind. It's really annoying for some men with big egos to assume that what we do with our appearance is for them and that the world revolves around their interests. Some things have nothing to do with men and some men don't get that. It's similar to how some insecure guys tried to be a body builder because they think it will attract girls because of what they perceive is attractive. Body builders don't attract women, they just attract other gym bros who want to know their workout routine and meal plans. Because most women don't give af about body building and the such. I mention all of this because it goes back to wanting to be this caricature of masculinity or femininity to attract the opposite sex and it ultimately backfires because most people aren't really into extremes and just want to find energies that complement one another. It also doesn't do masculinity and femininity justice because there are so many ways that a person can embody either polarity given their own unique personality. Boxing yourself into a narrow idea of what you think is masculine or feminine strips the creativity and authenticity out of a person's energy. Personally, if I had to put a number on my masculinity and femininity polarity, I'd say that I'm like 60% masculine 40% feminine and I often find guys who lean more feminine more attractive. Like you said,

Talking to a Vedic Psychic Medium So a lot of weird and unfortunate things have been happening to me and my family so my mom being the religious/spiritual person she is thought it would be a good idea to talk to a psychic medium. Then she was like the medium needs to talk to me and my dad as well. I'd say that I have a healthy dose of skepticism with such things. But I was also excited and curious about the whole thing. I looked forward to the phone call all day. I asked her a few question. I can't say that I was satisfied with the answers. This lady talked a lot and she wasn't very straight forward lol. The first question I asked was if I was going to find lasting happiness through my healing and self actualization work. She was super vague but I think it was a yes????.... But we talked a lot about my past experiences and I wasn't too impressed. I was expecting to have my mind blown after she would tell me about things that I didn't mention to her. But most of her insights were inferable given the information I gave her and given her background as an immigrant. The next question I asked was about my career and what my calling was. She gave a straight answer to that one. She said that I was going to be a human rights lawyer who would then go on to have a political career. It felt really out there. I am minoring in human rights and I am passionate about a lot of causes but law school just sounds ehhhh........ not sure about that one. I was hoping I'd have a light bulb come on in my head but that didn't happen. Next I asked about my love life and if I was going to get into a relationship. She went on a whole thing about how she doesn't believe in soul mates and twin flames and how they are tropes that sell well in books and movies. Then she said that I just need to keep my heart open and that I'll find someone eventually because she doesn't see any reason why I would end up forever alone. Vague but ok.... I contemplated on whether or not to tell her that I'm looking for a short term relationship but I decided against it because she talks so much. Tbh I asked this question because I wanted to know when I'm going to get my cheeks clapped. That was going to be my final question but she kept mentioning that I have karma and grief that I'm processing from the life I had just previously to this one and that's why there is a lot of messed up things happening. So naturally I was like "so what happened in my past life that was so bad?" I wanted to know what type of wild things she was going to tell me. She told me that apparently I became an orphan at the age of 7 and then went around begging for food and living on the streets. Then I had 4 kids with a husband that beat me up regularly. I died in my early 30s. And naturally I was like well damn....... That's depressing. I didn't know what to say to any of that.

I guess my whole thing is that masculinity and femininity aren't bs but ascribing them to gender norms and boxing people into a form of self expression because of their gender identity is bs. Aim for authenticity so that you can work towards integration. That will help you be more in alignment than if you were to try to paint yourself as a caricature of what you think a woman or man should be like based on a bunch of social conditioning.

I see masculinity and femininity as a way of defining duality. Like pull and push or external and internal. Sometimes the labels masculinity and femininity can aid in communication and give you an idea of what you need to integrate. Because masculinity and femininity are labels and because both women and men have their own combination of the energies that is authentic to them, I characterize masculinity and femininity as gender neutral. There are men who are naturally more feminine and forcing them to be masculine wouldn't be healthy. Same goes for women who are more masculine and forcing femininity on to them. That said, integration of both polarities can help us move into more balance and cause the polarities to manifest in a healthier way. That's the goal. It isn't to be the most masculine man or the most feminine woman especially if it isn't authentic to you. Again, the polarities are gender neutral. A good example of healthy integration is someone who is really masculine and consequently also carries on a lot of the toxic forms of masculinity. Integration of the feminine can help soften and balance out the toxicity and let that person's natural masculinity manifest in a more conscious way. It won't make that person suddenly lean more feminine if that wasn't authentic to them from the beginning. While we should do what feels authentic, sometimes if we are really off balance it can help going to the other end to see all that you need to integrate or to see if you are suppressing anything. From then you can explore and simply take what sticks and leave the rest. That's what I did when I was integrating my feminine energy. I swung more to the other end for the sake of exploration because I suppressed a lot of my femininity growing up due to internalized misogyny. There are somethings with traditional femininity that doesn't resonate with me such as makeup for example. But even though I don't resonate with wearing a ton of makeup I no longer judge other women who do wear it like I used to. I think it's rather silly now but when I was like 12-13, I thought women who wore a ton of makeup were fake, insecure, or doing it to get male attention but now I see that these women don't actually give af and are doing it to express themselves creatively. For me personally, wearing makeup would feel rather forced tbh so I don't push myself even though I've been trying to step into my feminine energy more. I still think that I lean more towards the masculine side even though I'm a woman. But I have a better idea of where my own polarities lie more since I went out and tried things from both ends.

Turning Competence into an Identity Part 7: Exploration I haaaate how I still have things I'm discovering about this. I don't like being reminded on how deep this problem goes lol. So I was thinking about somethings and I realized that my desire for competence interferes with me exploring my identity because I don't want to make mistakes and waste my time. I'd rather take some time to contemplate what I want and question myself and then take action rather than going out there, living life, and figuring things out as I go along. I think it's good that I try to think before acting so I don't do anything stupid impulsively but I think in some aspects it does hold me back. I don't like admitting that I don't know what I want in some instances. I know I've made posts in the past talking about how I feel unsure about my sexual orientation. And that felt shameful. It made me feel like mess, like I wasn't sure of myself. Of course not wanting to be a mess has a direct connection to me wanting to maintain my identity of competence. I know that exploring my sexuality is a very natural thing to do but I find myself resisting the whole trial and error process. It seems so time consuming and I want to fast forward to when I have the answers. This is also true when it comes to my career and life purpose. I retook the life purpose course and something stuck out to me in the FAQs because all of this is in my mind. Leo was talking perfectionism and not wanting to go down the wrong path in the journey. And he was talking about how we shouldn't be afraid of doing that because even if we have to course correct, we would still learn things along the way that will help us later on in the journey. I find myself having an existential crisis of sorts every other year about wtf I'm doing with my life and if I'm on the right direction. I'd say that I have a bias for contemplation over action which can result in stagnation at times because the time I use thinking I could use for going out there and exploring my interests. I think the reason for this bias and why I prefer thinking is because I have a desire for efficient action. But at the wrong time, the desire to be efficient is at the expense of letting myself explore which actually ends up being inefficient because half-assing exploration can yield in a lot of lost growth