soos_mite_ah

It depends on what your body composition/ body fat percentage is. There are people who are considered overweight by the bmi standards but are muscular so it isnt an actual problem. There are also people who are considered skinny fat where they may look slim and might have an average bmi but they have high body fat because they dont eat healthy. Being skinny fat is worse for your health compared to being overweight because you're muscular.

@Etherial Cat Thank you. I think I needed someone to knock some sense into me lol. I think it will serve me better to be patient in the long run.

Are things like shame, guilt, fear, insecurity, doing various types of shadow work, dealing with limiting beliefs etc. things that you slowly chip away at over time as they bubble up or do you need dig through your psyche to deal with them all at once? Do you ever finish dealing with these things? Sometimes self development feels like peeling off layers of an endless onion.

Yes but society isn't a monolith. A lot of your views on society are influenced by who you're around and what kind of information you take in. That amount of personal control means that your view on society gets filtered through your own biases depending on what you choose to take in (which is also influenced by your development). There is a part of society that does put a large weight on more superficial things like looks, money, and status for both genders but that doesn't mean that you need to confine your views of how the each gender has it or how they function to that particular sect. It depends who you are around. If you surround yourself with people who don't value a person's soul, that's on you. But there isn't a shortage of women or men who are like that. You just need to know where to look. And that can be difficult for both genders, I've been there. But as a high value man or woman, you have to understand that a lot of people just aren't on your level and as a result you aren't going to attract everyone. That doesn't mean that you stoop down to their chimpery and accept that as truth. And if a woman falls for assholes easily, that's usually not the type of woman you want to be around (if you're a high value man that is, but if you're a low value man you might see that as way to manipulate those woman and see those low value men who pull cheap tricks as something to aspire to) because there will be a lot of insecurities that you will have to deal with so it's not up to you to appeal to women like that by stooping down. Build your confidence, have standards, have a life, that's all important not even in dating but for the quality of your life. But in doing so, you don't have to also engage in chasing status, money, looks etc. in the process and that goes for both genders. I mean you can if you want to if that's where you're at but again, society and the people in society aren't some monolith. Lets be real, there are PLEANTY of people on this forum that wouldn't consider things like inner beauty as high value on this forum. It all depends on where you look in society and what kind of people you're around. The perspective you're presenting is very relative to that. And I would examine your view that inner beauty and being high value doesn't get you rewards in society. It certainly does but that is dependent on what your view of rewards is.

I want to. But then again, I wonder if it's wise to run full steam ahead towards that goal, take my time with that goal, or do something in the middle where I work on myself a lot in certain bursts and then move into periods where let myself take a more relaxed approach. Letting go of my limiting beliefs, grief, insecurities etc. is the goal, but the question is how to get there. That makes sense. Thank you. So basically, take things slow to avoid backlashes and trauma to make the process more smooth. Have a slow, consistent form of momentum to create the self improvement discipline.

@Karmadhi So what you're saying is that to be high value as a man you need to work on your character while to be high value as a woman you need to work on your looks? Basically you're saying that men are valued for their souls while women are valued for their status as an object. Isn't your misogyny blinding smh. From my experience, as a woman you do need to work on your character to be high value. That means having standards, having ambitions, passions, hobbies, a personality, clear sense of purpose, a inclination towards developing as a person etc. Basically the same things men need to work on as well in order to be high value. The types of men you attract when you lead with these things tend to be VERY different than the types of men you attract with looks alone. I think in dating, you tend to attract people on your level and what you lead with. So if you are a man who bases his worth on status and money and therefore leads with that energy, he will attract women who are attracted to that energy and value those things. If you lead with superficiality, you will attract superficiality. If you are a man who leads with an authentic sense of ambition that isn't rooted in chimpery, you will attract women who are similar to that. From what I noticed with high value women is that even if they are just as beautiful as a low value woman (I'm talking about character here), the high value woman tends to have less options but has better options (quality over quantity) because a lot of men aren't willing to develop themselves to the level to reach her standards. There is an air of intimidation that comes with a high value woman without her even trying mainly because men aint shit. From personal experience, I've had guys ask me something simple as what I'm studying and when I answer they get all wide eyed and uncomfortable. I don't have a problem with dating a guy who isn't as high achieving as I am but when it comes to the point where his confidence falters and he is uncomfortable with what I'm doing, that tells me he is emotionally a weak man and I'm not interested in the type of guy who would be intimidated by me. That insecurity can breed a lot of dysfunction and resentment in a relationship and I simply don't have the time or energy for that. Low value women on the other hand tend to be very easy to manipulate because of many reasons: Having a lot of weak points in her psyche because she never worked on herself: That makes it easy for men to find her pressure points and press on them. If she's insecure about her looks for example, it could be as easy as you telling a woman she's beautiful and hyping her up a little to get her to do whatever you want (this can also be applied to men who are insecure about something for example their age or financial status, plenty of toxic women use those insecurities to get what they want out of men) Having very superficial standards: It's easy to buy a low value woman with gifts so you can get her to do whatever you want while a high value woman can only be bought with character. (Can also apply to men. There are guys who you can simply stroke their ego a little bit when it comes to what they do for work and they'll do anything you want) Having no standards: You can treat a low value woman like trash and still have her begging to be with you because her self esteem is that low (pick me energy). A high value woman will see the red flag, know her worth, and leave. (applies to men as well because pick me girls and nice guys are basically the same thing and reek the same insecure energy) Not having a solid foundation: A lack of ambitions, passions, and a clear sense of purpose can cause women to be ungrounded so she will be more willing to waste her time with another low value man who doesn't bring much to the table This ability to be easily manipulated by men attracts other low value men to her like flies to honey. A high value man wouldn't want a woman who hasn't worked on herself, who has superficial or no standards, and who doesn't have a purpose or ambitions because a high value man wants a woman for more than what she looks like. A high value man wants a solid addition to his life. A low value man wants arm candy. And the fact that you @Karmadhi have this perception that in order to be high value a woman needs to look good and that's it tells me that you aren't very high value. And if you think that being nice and caring doesn't make someone high value because you didn't get results by being nice and caring, you're probably not as nice or caring as you think you are or you have a very narrow sense of being nice and caring that usually involves bending over backwards for someone. Often times "nice guys" or "nice girls" don't have standards or a back bone which is why they get walked over, treated like trash, and don't have the confidence to attract people they are interested in. Not having standards or boundaries =/= being nice and caring.

So what I'm getting at is that it depends on what phase you are at you life whether you are in a place where you have A LOT of deep cleaning up to do in your psyche or you're at a place where you need to do maintenance to pick up after yourself and your life experiences. I guess deep cleaning is more of a phase so you don't end up digging up endless things or unnecessarily picking at wounds. Then you need to take on a higher perspective once you're done with dealing with things at a certain level of consciousness while also balancing other areas of life in order to explore the experience. Yeah I struggle with this too. I'm not the best at giving myself a break tbh.

@OceanRiver I'm trying to figure out whether or not what I'm trying to do is socially conditioned and I'm just deceiving myself into thinking those are my needs or if is actually authentic to me.

But I already know this. I'm not even attracted to bad boys or players because I saw through their games pretty early on. If anything, I'm repulsed by them. I'm all for having a "hoe phase" and exploring my sexuality, but I want to do that with someone that I care about and trust. It doesn't have to be a long term relationship, personally I want more of a committed fling/ short term committed relationship since I don't feel ready for a long term relationship but I still want to explore. The thing is that I want to explore with the right person. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ok this is just me venting at this point but sometimes I wonder if all of my needs and desires, including wanting to be in a committed relationship before having sex, is some type of dumb survival game that I need to transcend and get over in order to mature and actualize. I know having my boundaries are important but I have this voice in my head that says "stop being selfish and closed off and go and do things out side of your comfort zone. It's all survival and all survival is selfish, evil, and false, get over yourself." I'm really hesitant to listen to this voice because it doesn't sound reasonable and could yield to negative consequences because it's pushing me to do things that I don't want to and I'm not ready for. I think I've been on here for too long and that I'm misconstruing teachings and internalizing them in an unhealthy way because I'm not ready for some teachings as far as my self development goes .

Yeah that is something that I try to be careful about lmao. Sure there are times that I catch myself getting impatient and I want to just get it over with but I try to recenter myself so that I don't impulsively do something I actually don't want to do and end up having a bunch of regrets. I mean, I want my first time to be nice lol and to me that means having some degree of commitment and emotional intimacy. To me that's a higher priority than acting on impulse. I don't think I would even enjoy it if I went on a whim and decided to have sex with anyone who was willing. There is that too. Sometimes I find myself getting tempted to lower my standards out of impatience. Deep down I want a guy who is pretty conscious but then my scarcity mindset kicks in and is like "you know, men are sexual and visual creatures and if you keep up what you're doing whether it's your standards and boundaries, you're just going to wind up alone because lets be real you're asking for a lot and that's a tall order to fill considering what's out there. Get over yourself and accept this truth about men. The only reason why you don't want to accept this harsh truth is because it doesn't serve your survival agenda." TBH I always knew this was the voice of insecurity and anxiety but after writing this out it becomes even more blatant. Part of me thinks that I've been on here too much so there is that...... On one hand, this method has caused me to be single for 21 years and thus resulted in a lot of pent up emotional thirstiness but on the other hand, it has caused me to avoid a lot of unnecessary risks, heart break, and messy situations because I have been sticking to my standards from the beginning and that peace of mind is priceless imo. I feel like BDSM is becoming more and more normalized due to the internet and porn to where it's almost seen as unusual if you don't like it at least a little rough. Vanilla shaming is becoming more and more common. The BDSM test online is basically and edgy personality test at this point lol. There is this video that I found that talks about this trend and analyzes it in more detail that is really interesting

The Happiness Spectrum: (Found these notes in the comment section and decided to copy and paste them onto this journal as well as including my own commentary in order to reflect. Those are in blue. My goals and future action item are in red.) There are two kinds of happiness: Hedonic (Bad) & Eudaimonic (Good) Hedonic happiness is the most common form of happiness, short-term pleasure, easy to obtain and not very fulfilling (thrill-seeking). Eudaimonic happiness is long-term gratification, difficult to obtain and very fulfilling (virtuosity). Average common happiness is hedonistic, little to no work involved. 5. There's no shortcut to Eudaimonic happiness. Any shortcut you find automatically leads to hedonism. The Happiness Spectrum: + Pure Hedonistic Happiness (avoid, very addictive, unreliable): I think these can be ok in moderation meaning it isn't an addiction, something your life revolves around, or something you are attached to. Drugs Food, partying & drinking (food is necessary, eat healthy) Beauty (too easy to obsess over and feel bad): I do have a hang up on the way I look and I'm working on accepting myself though there are times where I feel like plastic surgery would make me happier. Money, shopping (can only buy more of hedonic happiness): With money, my goal right now is to get on my feet and become financially independent. I wouldn't say that I'm chasing money or that my life revolves around it but I do see the importance of it. It's one of those needs that I need to meet. With shopping, I'm trying to get to a point where I'm comfortable with treating myself. It's more about self care and eliminating limiting beliefs around money rather than being a shopaholic. These things aren't addictions for me but they are things that need to be integrated into my life in a healthy way. Media & entertainment: TV, internet, social media, videogames (extreme time sink): I don't really use these much for entertainment but I use them for education mainly. Gossip, Idol socialization (look up Elanor Roosevelt quote about great minds) Pursuing fame, public image & "success" (equivalent to chasing money, validation) Validation from other people (relying on others for happiness): I am sometimes guilty of caring what other people think of me too much. Porn & sex (can be a problem if obsessed over): I want to explore my sexuality but it isn't really an obsession. Romantic infatuation (honeymoon period of relationship): I think this is one of those things I need to exhaust tbh. Goals from this section: Financial freedom feeling comfortable with treating myself get into a short term relationship to exhaust my need for one and also explore my sexuality in that relationship + Neutral Happiness (good): I'm going to bold things that I feel like I can increase more of both in this section and in the Eudaimonic Happiness section Hobbies (that lead to long-term improvements: musical instruments, sports, etc. NOT videogames, gossiping or bingewatching tv-series): A lot of my hobbies also check items on the Eudaimonic list Physical exercise (don't exercise just to obsess over beauty, weightlifting): I enjoy being active but I can do better especially after moving out of my parent's house so that it doesn't devolve into obsessing about beauty. Friendships & strong relationships (real, solid friends): I want to focus on this more. Companionate love (love in relationship after honeymoon period): I want this as well but I think I need to work on myself more and burn through some of my superficial desires before jumping in so that I have a clearer head. But this is a goal, not for now but in the future. Goals from this section: Socialize more to develop strong relationships Work out and be active Get into a long term relationship (later) + Pure Eudaimonic Happiness (awesome): Learning & education (savoring your education, student for life): As a student much of my time is dedicated to this. I hope that I can continue that even after college. Excellent flow & work states (do you value your work, does it produce "flow" for you?): I need to find my life purpose. I feel that I could grow exponentially when I find that one thing. Inner development (personal growth activities) (meditate!): Been having this as a priority for the last few years. It's been hard work but soooo worth it. Self-acceptance (accepting yourself exactly as you are): Been really focusing on this. Could do better tbh. Kindness (doing good things for other people, being kind to other people): Never had a problem with this growing up. Gratitude (be thankful for what you already have) (make it a ritual): I could probably benefit from a personal gratitude journal tbh. INTEGRITY (are you living up to your greatest values? are you doing the things that are meaningful to you in life? are you honoring commitments to others and yourself? how good are you at keeping your own commitments to yourself? do you set a goal for yourself and then quit? work on integrity): I have a huge need for integrity and when I don't get it I often feel like I'm about to implode lol. I always prioritized this and I never regretted this. CONTRIBUTION (what your work does for the betterment of humanity in the world. what kind of impact does your work have? is it contributing in a way that YOU believe is meaningful, not what other people believe is meaningful, but what you believe. you have to believe it. not just volunteering, but producing something that move people): Again, need to find my life purpose. >>BEING<< (existing, the best way to practice this is through meditation. it teaches you how to enjoy the moment of being. you should not need any stimulation, activities of any sort, not even of the Eudaimonic kind. if you're able to be present, in the moment, totally enjoying yourself, that's what ultimate peace of mind means) "The best moments of life are moments of being, not moments of doing.": I really enjoy meditating and contemplation but I think I should table working towards something like enlightenment later. I'm not even going to bold this because it isn't healthy for me to make it a priority now by skipping a bunch of steps. I already have a meditation habit and I think for now that is sufficient. Goals from this section Find my life purpose Work on self acceptance by working through insecurities and limiting beliefs. Create a gratitude journal Eudaimonic activities are a lot more difficult than Hedonic activities, definitely at first when transitioning. It will become easier after that. It's because you're still addicted to hedonism. It takes an acquired taste. Eudaimonia does not provide instant pleasure. It's difficult to quit instant pleasure. What it does provide is long-term, long-lasting gratification, which is ultimately better for your mind, body and spirit. And thus for your happiness. I don't think I have a problem with the hedonic part of the list but I need to burn through some of those so that I won't be distracted when I'm pursuing the neutral or eudaimonic forms of happiness.

I'd say so. But I think when it comes to my insecurities regarding my ambivalence around sex, it's more of how that ambivalence is interpreted and whether or not that is reasonable or makes me desirable in someone's eyes. I know it's rather superficial, silly, and not healthy to want to conform what feels authentic to get approval from others but I see this bubbling up and I wanted to discuss this and see what else I uncover. I really want to get into a relationship with someone and dating has been a mess when it comes to finding a person I'm compatible with to the point where sometimes I feel the temptation to change myself because I think that there is something wrong with me, my desires, my needs, and my standards. I know that's not something that I should do because my own sense of integrity and authenticity is important to me and so is my emotional health. It would be incredibly misleading to conform myself to something I'm not just to get with someone and that would lead to an even bigger mess.

I mean I was talking about having casual sex, one night stands, or friends with benefits when you aren't in a committed relationship, not being in a committed relationship and having sex with other people outside of that relationship.

Ok that makes sense. I have encountered this on an emotional level where I caught myself liking the idea of someone rather than the person themselves and then when you go on a couple dates with them, you are hit with the reality and realize that yall aren't compatible. Even if you think the person is perfectly fine, they might not be a good fit for you and that's ok. There isn't anything wrong with you or them. That's kind of why I tend to see sexual compatibility as a lower priority and more like a bonus rather than a necessity. Because after a while, the lust diminishes or you go through phases in a relationship where it's higher and lower. Then what are you left with? That's the attitude that I come at this from. And this might sound contradictory but I consider myself as someone who has a higher than average sex drive (based on talking with friends but I don't know how accurate that would be tbh). Even though I haven't had it yet, I have tried to explore what my fantasies are and what physically makes me feel good by myself. I know this about myself but to me it isn't so crucial to where I'd be uncomfortable with the idea of getting with someone with a lower sex drive if that makes sense. I guess for me personally I have more room for compromise and that's why it doesn't seem like as big of a deal. But there are a couple things here and there that I don't feel comfortable compromising on (like I don't feel comfortable with violent forms of bdsm, anything super extreme, or having sex without a build up of emotional intimacy). So I guess tastes come into play. But even then it goes back to the whole. thing with priorities. And that's the thing with priorities, sometimes I feel that as I get older, sex is starting to feel more of an expectation because of the peer pressure surrounding it. Then that feeling of obligation takes a lot of the passion away imo. Whenever I tell guys that I'm looking to wait I get one of the following reactions: Positive constructive: This guy respects my boundaries and sees me being a virgin as something neutral. He isn't shaming me or fetishizing me. Positive nonconstructive: This guy fetishizes my virginity and likes to have control over inexperienced women. He also slut shames other women with experience or feels intimidated by them. He may or may not be religious. Either way, he is creepy and cringey. Negative constructive: This guy respects my boundaries but sex and having an experienced partner is important to him for healthy reasons whether its because he is afraid of a power imbalance with being much more experienced compared to me, he wants to explore his sexuality with someone with more experience, or that sex is really important to him in a relationship. He and I are coming from different places and he respects that difference as well as his own desires/needs so he politely rejects me because we are looking for different things. He is pretty nonjudgmental. Negative nonconstructive: Sex is really important to this guy. There is nothing wrong with that but the problem comes when he doesn't respect my boundaries and is judgmental. He might shame me for being a virgin by calling me religious, prude, boring etc. He might pressure me or try to change my mind to sleep with him by pulling cheap tricks. Or he will be offended and tell me that I'm an ugly whore anyway. Basically he will exhibit a lot of creepy and cringey behavior. The constructive responses, whether they be positive or negative, don't really bother me. The nonconstructive responses make me uncomfortable, positive or negative. The negative nonconstructive responses consist of a large chunk of the responses I get and I guess thats where I get some of my shame and insecurity from regarding what I want in a relationship. I guess after a while, it feels really disheartening when someone's priorities are different from yours AND they shame you or make you feel like there is something wrong with you. The difference isn't what bothers me, we are all allowed to have different needs, priorities, desires etc. but it's about the shaming and getting defensive. I guess in order to find someone who is sexually compatible with me, I need to stick to my authentic boundaries of not wanting to have sex before really getting to know someone and being comfortable with discussing things before such things happen. The person I'm compatible with will respect my boundaries without it overstepping his boundaries.

This is likely my own lack of experience talking but I don't see the necessity of sexual compatibility to a healthy relationship. I get the need to have similar sex drives but other than that, I simply don't get it. Shouldn't it be enough to be communicative with what you want and need and be able to empathize and be openminded with the other person's desires? As a virgin, I don't really see the big deal with sex tbh. I'm aware that this is going to sound short sighted but sometimes sex seems like this superficial want rather than a need. I can get that sex is really important for some people, but I don't think that's a wide spread necessity if that makes sense. Also, how does the dynamic change after sex? I'm a little confused about that.

Turning Competence into an Identity Part (??): Mercy and Compassion After writing my post about my feral cat energy as well as the concerns I have with dating, I realized that I have a limiting belief when it comes to how I believe that people treat one another. I noticed that in interactions, I try to present the best possible version of myself because I can't see people empathizing with me or treating me with mercy. I have this cut throat attitude which leads to perfectionistic tendencies and this desire for competence as a protective mechanism. My limiting belief is that people are selfish and uncompassionate and that they won't show you any amount of empathy unless it serves their interests. This feels weird to articulate because I know that people are capable of behaviors like care and compassion along with other higher conscious behaviors but I guess this limiting belief is subconscious and implied because of ties a lot of other concerns I have together. I'm getting better with friends but I noticed that my reluctance to open up to them has to do with me not wanting to seem toxic for expressing negative emotions even when done in a healthy manner. I don't want to seem like I'm playing the victim when I let someone see my vulnerabilities. I'm also hyper aware about any amount of social awkwardness and I tend to be pretty harsh with myself around that and that causes me to resort to get addicted to fixing things instead of just accepting my quirks. I have somethings that I think would be beneficial to work on like my tendency to overshare (particularly in journal entries), my chaotic sense of humor, or how some times I run out of things to say. Since I'm taking a break from "fixing things" and focusing on acceptance, accepting those things have been difficult because I have this impulse to just jump in and deal with these issues. But right now I'm just letting myself be and I believe that has been really beneficial. I don't expect any amount of mercy from people I work with whether it is students and teachers or possibly an employer. I found it baffling when some of my friends who are open about mental health in the beginning of the semester was able to just meet with the professor and simply explain what's going on with their mental health and how it might impact with their performance. I have read articles and have heard from professors that they would like us to be open about these types of things but I'm always afraid of looking incompetent, lazy, and stupid for expressing such things. I think a lot of this has to do with the internalization of the stigma against mental health. On top of that, I am nervous about sending in my resume to any potential employers because I do have a year long gap that I took to take care of myself. Again, it has to do with the stigma but I just can't see people trying to understand where I'm coming from (even if it's valid) because of how competitive things are. Any sign of neurosis is a red flag for employers and it's in their interests to be cut throat. And finally, I don't expect mercy and compassion from men. I have explained a lot of that in my post about having feral cat energy. One of my biggest fears is being in a toxic relationship whether that be with a man, a friend, or an employer. And my desire to present this competent image is to ensure that people won't take advantage of me. Because I don't expect mercy and compassion from other people, I don't show mercy and compassion to myself which then leads to perfectionistic tendencies.

I feel called out ???

I highly recommend checking out the full documentary. It's also a really good documentary that showcases an example of life purpose and it's spiritual component.

Feral Cat Energy I was watching this video about how to get a feral kitten and socialize it so that it will become accustomed to a human home. And for some reason I found that resonated with me on an emotional level lmao. Here are time stamps and the parallels I see with my emotions (I know this is a weird but I think this is the best metaphor that articulates how I feel about being in a relationship and escalating things physically) First of all if you corner me psychologically even if it seems like it's not a big deal or it was unintentionally, I will bite and scratch (metaphorically speaking, in reality I'll probably shut down and become repulsed because I think you're a mess). I may be tiny, young, and inexperienced but I know red flags when I see them. And I'm not here for any sudden moves to escalate the situation. That is anxiety inducing to me. (2:20) I need some time to get used to the idea of getting into a relationship and having a man be attracted to me before I feel comfortable taking more of a lead and approaching (3:00) I'm pretty sure I have a chance to get over how emotionally distant I can be at this age but I think dealing with this when I'm older is going to be more of a challenge because if I'm single until after idk when, I can see myself being the type of person who is just content with dying alone with a bunch of dogs tbh. (3:30) I think I need to hang out with someone for a little bit before really doing anything because I need to get used to all of this. Also I need the reassurance that I'm dealing with a good guy and that nothing bad will happen to me when I get into a relationship (4:40) And then finally I can gently and slowly start opening up physically. I really need a guy who is going to be patient with me (6:00) I know there are a lot of women who tend to get into codependent dynamics. I personally find myself in the opposite category where I find it difficult to get close to people in the first place. Like I don't have a hard time with playing hard to get because I'm pretty unimpressed like 90% of the time. The stray cat in this diagram gives me Lana Del Rey 's monologue from her Ride music video energy. Just the type of person that comes off naïve and friendly, isn't afraid to approach people but does so because they are dependent on something emotionally and because they aren't the best at emotionally taking care of themselves (stray cats tend to be heavily reliant on people). I on the other hand am more like a feral cat who has a lot of fears wrapped around in dating and who avoided it for awhile because dating just seemed like a hot mess. I'm pretty functional and independent in general so there is a very low chance that I'm going to be needy or express my vulnerabilities (which isn't the healthiest I know). Again, I think a lot of my anxiety has to do with not being used to guys and feeling like I need to be vigilant and protective around them, kind of like how a feral cat is guarded around humans because of limited interactions. Plus I've heard so many horror stories with guys mistreating a girl and how messy the whole process of dating can be. I took a step back from what I posted a few days ago regarding what I'm concerned about when I'm dating and I think those concerns are valid. I know I felt like I was being dramatic and paranoid when I was writing this but no, I'm not crazy. One of my big fears is getting into a toxic or even abusive dynamic because I know just how much that can set a person back. That's valid given what I've dealt with in my childhood and how I spent years trying to piece myself back together. But again, it goes back to being aware of something vs being focused on it. When I get into a car, I'm aware of the risks and the dangers involved, but I'm not focused on it and as a result it doesn't stop me from driving while taking precautions. I need to approach dating in the same way. It's good to be aware of the risks, especially as a woman lets be real, but focusing on it can mess a person up. I also journaled about how I'm a little insecure about waiting for sex as well as my concerns with men pressuring me into doing something I don't authentically want to do. And year it's an insecurity. Sometimes I feel really juvenile and childish for wanting to wait and take things slow. But a man who is going to push me into doing something or says things like there is no relationship with out sex etc. is not the type of man that I would want to sleep with because he isn't empathetic towards what I want and need both emotionally and sexually. And that normally doesn't lead to good sex much less a good dynamic. I don't think it's a good strategy to be insecure about my boundaries in this area of my life because that will then attract other insecure men who are willing to test those boundaries in order to get what they want. I don't want to be with an insecure and pushy man. My boundaries are here to keep me safe, not impress a man. Opening up is important and necessary for me and one of the things I can do to do that is to prioritize dating and relationships more in my life. But I still need to be comfortable with my authentic boundaries and the pace that I'm comfortable with.

If it feels authentic go for it. Patriarchal notions often paints men as hypersexual like if a man isn't constantly thinking about sex there is something wrong with him. It can cause a lot of messed up issues such as if a guy gets sexually assaulted for example, people don't take it seriously because men are expected to want it all the time. It also leads to men who for whatever reason didn't get laid feel like there is something wrong with them which can then spiral into a lot of self doubt and a messed up relationship with their own masculinity. I'm sure there are more but since I'm not a guy I'm mainly going off of what I've heard from men and from feminists who talk about issues regarding male sexual assault as well as my own observations. I'd say that it's good that you're questioning this and not to feel bad about what you authentically want your priorities to be. I was like that too at 17-19 or so where I wanted a relationship as a cherry on top but I was mainly focused on getting other areas of my life together. Forcing yourself to do something that doesn't feel authentic to you especially in the domain of sexuality can lead to a lot of regret and self betrayal. You aren't obligated to act a certain way if you don't want just because it is expected of you because of your gender and age.

Getting the Fundamentals Down (Actualized.org in 2013-2014) Even though I have been taking a break from deep spiritual topics, I found myself feeling less tired and more inspired. I still don't think I'm ready to dive back into deep topics but I think that it's a good idea to focus on more basic self help since having a solid foundation for spiritual work is essential. I decided to look back at Leo's content from 2013 to 2014 in order to do this. I realized that I already integrated much of the topics there so that was a thing of reassurance and a measure of where I was at. His content back then was largely stage orange to the point where I kept getting ads for Tony Robbins/ get rich quick / wealth oriented self development lmao. But that was important for me to run through since I tend to get caught up on criticizing things like capitalism and materialism. While watching these videos, I found a handful that I find that I could really revisit and integrate into my solid foundation. Here they are.

I have dealt with much of what was on the original list Now it's time to make a new list My weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality My boundaries and what I want in a relationship and how I don't want to have sex outside of a committed relationship Any amount of social awkwardness Returning back to school and facing my professors (this is more anxiety inducing but the root of it is shame regarding competence) Since the list is relatively short, I think I'm going to introspect and journal about them in my main journal.

Cleaning Up I crossed out a lot of things and I just wanted to clean things up so it's easier for me to organize my thoughts and follow along. I also rearranged the items on the list that I can't do because I'm stuck in the house and I moved them to the bottom. The Original To Do List I will update this list, cross things out I've worked through, write entries according to this list. When I finish around 75% of the items on this list (so about 27 items) , I will compile a new one. The items may be vague but details are in my main journal. I like to think of this list as the stuff I'm ~~~***manifesting***~~~ Gain clarity about career/life purpose Achieve financial freedom: Need to focus on getting my degree and an internship first Stop procrastinating: Doing much better at this tbh but I think the real test will be when I go back to school. Be gentle with yourself Heal issues around competence and perfectionistic tendencies: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything Treat yourself and feel comfortable with spending money on yourself: Still uncomfortable but I'm getting better Work through shame: I worked through a lot of the shame but I noticed some new ones come to the surface. Deal with social anxiety Deal with the fear of running out of things to say: I'm just going to let myself be imperfect for a minute because I'm already working on a lot of things Shadow work Deal with your issues around competence: Wrote a lot about this and I'm currently unpacking this with a professional to ensure I have sufficiently dealt with everything Creating more confidence: I feel like I'm in a more confident head space after doing everything that I've been doing but I think there is room for improvement mainly on how confident I feel with my boundaries and what I authentically want. I think I will basically deal with this in the process of working through shame Deal with spiritual ego Take a break from spiritual content and connect back with your material self: Taking a break from Leo's deeper content has helped. Get out of your head and stop hyper analyzing Build your social life: stuck in the house because of COVID Make friends and get into a short term relationship: stuck in the house because of COVID Get comfortable with public speaking and having the spotlight (main character energy): stuck in the house because of COVID Having a social life and getting rid of social anxiety: stuck in the house because of COVID