soos_mite_ah

Digital Self Harm and Masochistic Epistemology The section between 22:40 and 30:36 talks about digital self harm and masochistic epistemology. I hate to admit it but find myself relating to these terms Contrapoints talks about digital self harm and how people seek out information that hurts them and that might not be rational to reaffirm their limiting beliefs and their world view. It's about having a masochistic epistemology which means what ever hurts must be true. The reason why I relate to this is because sometimes I catch myself going to the dating section of this forum or I check up on someone going on a racist rant and I'm always tempted to respond or to follow along and watch the drama unfold. But this literally does nothing but reaffirm my limiting beliefs around dating which consists of men being trash, I'm never going to find a decent man, and that men are manipulative misogynistic creeps who only value women for their youth and beauty and once women turn 25, they start losing their value. I know the average man isn't some red pilled scumbag but if you have been locked in the house in the pandemic for a year and the only man you associate with on a regular basis and who is not related to you is the guy at the Cinnabon drive through, you can't help but fill in the gaps of your experience based on the few things scumbags say online and have your views on what men are really like get distorted. As a result, I've been trying to cut back on what I see on this forum and mind my own damn business in my journal. I'm getting better at it but there is room for a lot of improvement. Another instance of this is how fatalistic I got with my world view when it came to capitalism. The pandemic uncovered a lot of messed up systems in society and I'm pretty sure a large portion of the youth has some form of critique against capitalism whether they realize that or not. And plus, I'm locked in the house all day with nothing to do except watch left tube so I started getting really pessimistic of what the future held. It's to the point where in my mind I was like this weed smoking hippie that didn't want to get a job because that seemed like emotional suicide. My rational mind knows that's not the case but the irrational part of me just associates work with abusive bosses and being paid slave wages or if I am making money, working crazy hours and having my labor be exploited until I can't mentally or physically continue. Yikes. Yeah I cut down on leftist media, forced myself to get an internship, and I'm working through my limiting beliefs around money. Don't get me wrong, I still believe that there are systemic issues with the way capitalism is structured but the difference is that now I try to be aware of it instead of constantly focusing on it and causing myself to spiral. And finally, I remember when I got rejected by all the schools I wanted to go to in my senior year of high school, I came across this channel that would basically say things like if you don't go to Harvard and kiss the ass of the people above you that you are going to be poor and miserable for the rest of your life. It reaffirmed the negative thoughts I was having about myself at my time of vulnerability. But then I found that this guy was a part of the alt right and I kept getting recommended red pill stuff so then he lost all credibility in my eyes and I never returned to his channel or similar channels ever again. I noticed that with red pill in general, I can't stomach that type of thing. I try to be open minded and take things with a grain of salt and a lot of times I can do that but when it comes to red pill people, I can't deal with them without feeling like trash about myself. Just goes to show that I still have a lot of healing to do. In the mean time, I mean I already stay away from red pill sites in general, but I should mute people like that on this site because I'm not mentally in the place to read what they have to say. Like it's to the point where I started questioning my own sexual boundaries (YIKES) and I catch myself feeling more and more pessimistic about my dating prospects. I think the whole thing with masochistic epistemology is present with guys who have issues with dating on this site. They believe that you have to have all of this money and status to even get a girl and that everything is hopeless but even when people try to explain that this is not the case, they get all defensive and then it devolves into a gender war. These guys aren't wealthy or powerful, they are using this rhetoric to hurt themselves and get into a fatalistic spiral about how men like them can't get laid and how women have it better and that they are gold digging whores by nature, annnnnnd next thing you know you get a bunch of red pill ideology. It isn't reassuring for them to be proved wrong, they find comfort in their pain even if it is delusional. And I play a part in that and in a way I'm no better because I'm still engaging in digital self harm by tuning into bad faith threads and comments that do nothing but make me feel like trash. But yeah, something like pessimism can be very addictive. I think people sometimes tend to want to be right than to be happy. It's the path of least resistance and a survival mechanism. In ancient times, it's better to assume you're right about there being a tiger behind the bush than to incorporate ~positive thinking~ and figure that it's just the wind. The former negative thinking keeps you safe while the later can get you killed if you are wrong. There is a sense of safety that is associated with being right. I think it can also be seen with people preferring familiarity over what will make them happy even when that familiarity is something like a bad habit. Reaffirming a negative world view can be reassuring. It can make you feel like you are right and that you aren't alone.

Coming Out as a Spiritual Person: A Reflection on My Reflection I think writing out the previous post helped me clear my head more. I just began thinking of this friend I had who told me that she was really getting into Kpop. She told me how she is always hesitant to tell people that she is interested in Kpop because she doesn't want to be associated with the crazy 12 year old fans who believe that they will marry an idol and who go bat shit crazy when they see the idol living a normal life. I never thought of my friend as anywhere near crazy as the fans that Kpop is associated with because I knew her and even if I didn't, she didn't give off that type of fanatical energy because of the way she explains why she likes what she likes. She told me that she was uncomfortable with telling anyone this because of the way Kpop fans were perceived and I remember thinking about how she probably missed out on connecting with a lot of people because she was hiding her interests and authenticity. I guess every group of interests have crazy fanatics or extremists but that doesn't mean I should dim my own authentic passions and what brings me joy. I'm not unusual for having these interests and I'm sure that there are plenty of people who would be open to the ideas I'm exposed to in a moderated light that I resonate with anyway. I tend to think things through well so I doubt that I come off as a fanatic so I don't think that's a problem. I think my problem is my self image and what I think people will think of me. After all, in the end of the day, I don't know what other people think of me nor is it any of my business and if I have any inkling of what other people might be thinking, that's just a projection of what I think of myself.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/women-happy-children-spouse-partner-relationship-unmarried-a8931816.html Childfree unmarried women tend to be both happier and healthier statistically speaking.

Coming Out as a "Spiritual" Person Recently I realized that one of the blockages I have in the way of showing up as my most authentic self is the shame I have surrounding my interest in self improvement and spirituality. I came up with a bunch of reasons as to why that is so in order to reflect and get off my chest. Fear of being irrational: As someone who has been into new agey topics and self improvement for the last few years, I have come across my fair share of craziness and I have encountered a lot of questionable things in the self help industry. And I'm afraid of being associated with that if I come out and say that I'm into spirituality or self development. I don't want people to automatically assume that I'm some type of irrational crazy crystal person. Nothing wrong with collecting crystals but I'm just talking about how mainstream society views people like that. I don't want to be associated with the Tony Robbins or Tai Lopez types. I feel that new age spirituality and self development has a lot to offer but that stuff gets clouded by a lot of pseudoscience and I'm afraid to be associated with the pseudoscientific side of things. Being a caricature of brown people: I have noticed that white people have a very limited view of what South Asia is like. Without getting too into that whole can of worms, I want to mainly underscore how white people see South Asia as this birth place of spirituality and how it's like their self actualization play ground. Think about the eat pray love types who go into the slums of India and are like wOW looK aT HOw HapPY tHEy arE eVEn ThouGH tHeY haVE SO littLE. They take their "spiritual awakening" and then they go back to their cushy lives. And there is a part of me that is scared of being lumped into the stereotype of the spiritual mystical brown person. I'd say the history of white people appropriating eastern culture during the hippie revolution in the 70s has a part in this. Fear of looking crazy: This is similar to the fear of being irrational but I'd put this on it's own separate category. I'm scared of looking crazy when I talk about my insights or my experiences especially if they have to do with the law of attraction or how connected everything is. I feel like people won't get it and then I'll look like some type of space cadet with a tin foil hat. Then there are just somethings that I'm into that I know aren't mainstream like spiral dynamics. I would love to talk about it but I'm afraid people won't get it or won't care to understand it because I'm not that good at explaining and because I don't think anyone would watch Leo's series on spiral dynamics (lets be real that's like 16 hours of content). It's just that the stuff that I'm into, it takes some work to figure out what it's about before really being able to discuss it. The same goes for things related to consciousness and the concept of nonduality. Fear of people thinking I'm in a cult: I really like actualized.org and I want to share with more people but I'm afraid that if I do that people would think I'm pushing a cult onto them especially with the stigma of psychedelics and the whole iM GOd rhetoric. Not saying it's true or false but if someone finds this and they don't know anything about consciousness, eastern spirituality, or nonduality, the whole thing is going to look awfully cult like. I mean, guy on drugs claiming he's god and has a whole following, sounds like a whole trope. Sometimes I feel like I have to put disclaimers up whenever I talk about these types of things. Like no I don't think you can cure cancer with essential oils, and no I don't think that everyone can pull themselves up from their bootstraps. And no, I'm not a dogmatic religious person. I feel like the reason why I was able to benefit so much from new age spirituality as well as basic self development was the way I differentiated the quality of my sources. It's not like I'm out here on a breatharian diet purchasing a bunch of get rich quick scheme courses who thinks COVID is some type of hoax. I also think I did a good job in picking out valuable pieces of advice from the harmful stuff that's out there. Of course, I have my blind spots but I try to be critical of those too. But my main thing is that I'm not going in here blind without thinking for myself.

She made a part 2

A Permanent State of Existential Crisis Honestly at this point I think this is my norm. I had these existential crises since I was a child. Thought I'd reflect on the things that bothered me at the time existentially and how my world view evolved during that time I was 8 to 14. I remember the first time I had an existential crisis I was 8 years old. I wanted to know what would happen after you died and what religion was valid. At the time I was in a Christian private school and I had Bible study on Wednesdays however I grew up in a Hindu household. My parents sent me to this school because the education was good. I remember hearing things like God punishes non-believers and I was sitting there like..... am I going to be punished too? I remember there was a kid who said he didn't believe in God and he got bullied a lot. I kept my faith to myself and wondered what would happen when I died and which faith was correct. I also found the concept of faith interesting and over the years I was at this school, I think it was the earliest phases of my self development journey. I thought religion was a good blue print of how to be a good person and qualities we should nurture within us like love, joy, peace, patience, etc (I know that's the fruits of the spirit in the Christian tradition but there was a song that all the kids liked in that school so as a result my bible study teacher would constantly sing it with us. Those songs are burned in my mind tbh) but it was also something to look at critically. I saw that there was hypocrisy in religious communities at this time though at 9 I didn't know how to articulate it. It just didn't seem that loving to bully kids who weren't part of the same faith as you and it contradicts the notion of religious freedom. Looking back, I'm pretty sure that the reason why the kids would bully others based on religion had a lot to do with what they were learning from their parents as well as the bits and pieces of what they learned in Bible study. But the parents I'd say are a larger influence tbh based on my memories of the adults around me. Then when I was 10 I remember reading this book for school called Tuck Everlasting. That was fuel to my existential crisis at the time. Basically, the book is about this family named the Tucks and the family consisted of 2 boys and their parents. They came settled in the U.S. in the 1700s and they found this spring water that gave them immortality. They thought it was just regular spring water until decades passed and none of them aged. They decided to live in relative isolation because they didn't want other people to catch on. Then, in the late 1800s, there is this girl named Winnie (the main character) who fell in love with one of the boys. And then the whole book has to do with Winnie getting to know the family, their experience with immortality, and whether or not she should also drink the spring water. So yeah that got me pondering about immortality and the finality of death and whether or not death was a blessing or a curse from god. I remember my 10 year old mind being blown. Then after I left that school, I went to another Christian private school because of the education. The atmosphere was more accepting as in no one really cared if you were Christian or not. I still had Bible study but in this school we studied religion more like a second history class in a more neutral light. In that class we discussed what was going on in the ancient world at this time, how that influenced writings, why there are contradictions in the Bible, and how Christianity, it's denominations, and Judaism differ from one another. I'm pretty sure this took me out of existential crisis mode and then pushed me into my atheist and agnostic phase. All this happened when I was 12-14. I remember at this time I also had my hyper rationalist phase as well. I thought religion was insane and that people were being too emotional and how nothing good comes from that except dissemination and violence. I think my emotionally unavailable upbringing also contributed heavily to this but yeah, 13 year old me thought she was a genius for suppressing all of her emotions and being purely logical. This was also around the time I was still in my "not like other girls" phase (though that phase started back when I was 9 or so) and basically my thought process was femininity=emotion=irrational=not valuable. But I think the most valuable thing that came out of this stage of my life was me trying to learn how to think critically. I also studied psychology and some philosophy at this time because I wanted to understand people's irrational impulses and emotions and how to keep those in check in order to thrive in life. Though that didn't manifest in the healthiest ways, it did create a foundation of self awareness and impulse control because even now I pause at the heat of the moment of things and I try to asses the situation internally and externally, weigh my pros and cons, and see what is the best course of action strategically and morally. Nowadays, I also added emotional well being into consideration but that wasn't on my radar back when I was 14 because I thought emotions were weak and stupid. Looking back, even though some things were limited and really cringy, I think overall having a solid foundation of blue and orange saved me a lot of trouble growing up.

Understand and Improve the Human Condition I FINALLY FOUND MY IMPACT STATEMENT!!!!!!!!!! So, I've been retaking the Life Purpose course and I set the intention to figure out what my impact statement was which is supposed to point you towards your life purpose. And I finally came up with a very solid one so I'm really excited because it resonates with me so well!!! I was meditating on this and it simply came to me when I managed to quiet my mind down. I then realized that basically all of my hobbies, my interests, and the way I look at the world revolves around understanding and improving the human condition. I took this definition from Wikipedia because I was having trouble articulating what exactly I meant by the human condition and I felt that wikipedia articulated it well. All of these things are things that intrigued me at some point. The subjects that this definition includes are all things I was drawn to which caused me to pick the field of study I have right now. At first I thought I liked looking at different cultures and seeing how they connect but then I realized that this is only one piece of my desire to understand the human experience. A lot of the causes I resonate with matches up with this impact statement. I care about wealth in a very sociological way and the way people are treated in the work force because work is such a big portion of one's human condition so it's essential for a good life to have good working conditions. These things impact people on an individual and systemic level. I care about access to health care, access to housing, and other human rights issues. I'm interested in businesses and how they can organize themselves better to maximize their potential and treat their workers well at the same time and how those things are one and the same. I care about self improvement which what else is it other than understanding yourself to improve yourself. I care about mental health not only the methodology behind it but also how human it is. I care about the media and pop culture as a form of art and how that shapes the experience of a collective and what that means in the larger picture of how we evolve as a humanity. I care about philosophy and the way we figure out what is right and wrong and the best way to deal with the situations at hand by understanding the mechanisms that are at play. Finally, I care about consciousness and spirituality and understanding it in order to expand. As far as careers go, I entertained the idea about becoming a professor at one point but the thing that turned me off about that was that even though I would do a lot of research, a lot of my impact will be confined in academia and wouldn't reach a wide group of people. This profession had the "understanding the human condition" part down but doesn't have the "improving the human condition" part as much. I have thought about working as a therapist or life coach at one point but I didn't really resonate with either of those. As much as I'm interested in understanding individuals, I also want to take on a systemic approach as well to create the greatest impact on people. I care about understanding the human condition on both the collective and individual level. I have thought about going into political activism or becoming a lawyer at one point because I care about improving the human condition. But at the same time, I feel like I could fall into the trap of advocating much more than I contemplate and research. For that reason I'm a little turned off. And finally I thought about consulting or going into human resources so that I can impact people on both a collective and individual people and so that I am in a position to empathize with others but also implement solutions in a strategic manner. I feel like at this moment this resonates with me the most but I don't have the best view on corporate jobs and I want to have my own thing at some point. I'm still figuring all of this out and I have no idea what my zone of genius or my medium in which I execute my impact statement is going to be.

Parasocial Relationships: Energy I'm Trying to Take in So I'm trapped in the house with my parents and as much as I love them, they aren't the healthiet people to be around. Because I'm not in a place to just move out at this moment, to cope with this energy, I have decided to go to youtube and find some better influences that can keep me on track and sane. I'm intrigued by the concept of a parasocial relationship and how people in the media can have a relationship with their audience while it being one sided. Even though people often view parasocial relationships in a negative light because of the way people can be crazy with their fandoms, I found that with me, I don't really get attached to media influences as much as I've been getting older but certain people's energies can have a positive or negative impact on me. Since I can reduce the negative influences only so much because I'm living in the same house as my parents, I'm trying to increase the positive influences. This particular set of content creators I feel have a good integration of healthy orange and green and they express it in a very gentle way. Even though I know, understand, and integrated a lot of the stuff they are talking about, for me again, is more about taking in that type of positive energy. This is going to sound weird but I like how they have a good balance of basic/mainstream and spiritual. I've been trying to integrate my more basic side recently so that I can stop seeing myself as some type of weird kid but at the same time I don't want to act out of inauthenticity and throw out everything that makes me unique at the same time by throwing the baby out with the bath water. This is going to probably sound even weirder but I noticed that I have similar values and interests as a lot of these people and in a way I like to think of their content and taking in to integrate their energy as a way to embody the energy I'm trying to attract particularly with friendships. I'm trying to ~manifest~ the type of friends I want and that I resonate with and I'm doing the whole practice of acting as if in the form of parasocial relationships in order to do that.

@Blackhawk I'm 21 I think my age does have some role in my irritability because I'm supposed to be and I want to be in this place where I'm gaining independence and exploring myself and my surroundings but I'm stuck at home because of the pandemic and that is causing me to feel shut in to the point where I want to implode. I think there is this added feeling of repression and feeling of being emotionally stunted because I'm back in familiar surroundings that combine to create what I'm feeling.

Embracing My Inner Basic I wrote this entry months ago and I had this in the back of my mind all this time. Basically I set the intention and went about my life. I found that when I do that and let go of my resistance along with trying to make it happen that I eventually end up manifesting things. Of course this doesn't work for everything but I found that it works pretty well when it comes to changing the way I see myself. I have noticed that I started settling into my basic energy ever since I started more gentle forms of self help. I'm still not the type that binges netflix, drinks coffee, or listens to the top 40. Instead I've been tapping into my own form of basic similar to how when I was getting into embracing my feminine side, I went in thinking I had to be a stereotypical version of a woman as a starting point but it eventually turned into me embracing my own unique form of feminine energy. I guess one of the main blocks for me when it comes to embracing my inner basic energy is my obsession with self help. I wanted to improve myself but I ended up losing myself in the process (and not in a fun psychedelic way). But when I toned that down and let loose a little bit, I found myself being more basic and relatable rather than uptight and aspirational if that makes sense. I began reconnecting to my tastes instead of feeling the need to detach all the time. One of the ways that I reconnected with my taste was with candles, lotions, things that smell nice. Bath and Body Works sparks a lot of joy in me lol. I really like citrus scents and things that smell clean. One of my favorite scents is the smell of clean laundry. After that I would say that I like the smell of lavender. Then I have my florals, like rose, lilac, and hibiscus along with more earthy scents like sandalwood or sage. My least favorite scents are the ones that smell really sweet or fruity. I know that I said that I like florals and citrus but there is a huge difference between smelling like lemons and oranges and smelling like a mango or smelling like flowers or smelling like vanilla and sugar. I don't mind those scents on other people and I still think they smell good but I find myself not really gravitating towards them for myself. I find those scents being too strong imo. My main thing is that I like smelling fresh and clean without anything extra. I find myself being good about not hoarding these things. I noticed that building up an endless collection of scents can be a slippery slope. I just have a pet peeve for half or quarter full bottles that don't get used up. It just feels wasteful and like I'm not appreciating what I have. I have a personal rule where I don't let myself buy anything new until I finished the one I have completely. I buy a lot of minis for that reason since the full size ones take forever to use up (unless I know that I absolutely love it and I will repurchase it again and again). That's with beauty products in general tbh. I think I have this tendency with other things as well where I metaphorically want to use everything up completely and run it to the ground before getting something new. I think a lot of this has to do with my love language being touch. For the context of self care, it translates to me liking things that smell nice, areas that look nice (like a clean dark room with candles), and things that feel nice to touch. One of my favorite things to do is go to a makeup store and feel the brushes. I used to do this as a kid but I still do it now. I don't really wear makeup like that nor am I super interested in it but I like feeling things that are fluffy and soft. I also like the feeling of exfoliating and scrubbing. Idk why, I just do lol. I have journaled about this in a multi part series in the past but I love youtube channels that analyze things. It could range from anything from psychology, politics, and complex systems to pop culture and media. I don't care about indulging in pop culture and media for the sake of it much (again not the type who really binges on Netflix) but I like looking at the analysis behind it because it give me a birds eye view of what's going on, keeps me informed, while also carrying a kernel of truth / insight. In addition to the analysis of pop culture and media, I also love memes in general as well as videos of cats and dogs which I post every now and then on this journal if I want a break from what I'm writing. I think tapping into these parts of me helped me deal with the superiority/ inferiority complex that comes with me seeing myself as this "weird kid." I think also taking a break from really dense and spiritual content and instead opting to just connect with regular people without everything being this deep and intellectually stimulating conversation also helped because one, I'm not mentally burning myself out, and two, I'm just connecting with people without subconsciously thinking of how unconscious and lacking in depth they are. I think my judgements where really subconscious to the point where I barely noticed them but they just manifested in me feeling like I couldn't connect to people or that I didn't resonate with others. This also reminds me of one of the first things I ever posted on this forum. This was the thread that got me to stop using my account as a lurk account and start commenting on things as well as journaling.

Upon further reflection, I think I feel drained because I'm working through a lot of resistance when I'm around them. It's the resistance towards my own annoyance and my desire to snap. I don't think about them draining me. My head is like "why are you acting and feeling like this? You need to be respectful. They are literally not doing anything." But my feelings are like "I don't like these people, I feel drained, and I feel irritable anyway." I don't think that my thoughts are influencing my feelings rather my thoughts are trying to dictate my feelings and are confused as to why my feelings are acting the way they are.

I decided to post the videos in this format so that I can cross them out and write out how I've integrated it. This is just to keep this clean cut.

Getting the Fundamentals Down (Noah Elkrief) I finally got around to watching all of Noah Elkrief's videos. His earlier videos especially was really repetitive in how he used the same examples and the same over arching lessons. I watched all of them anyway as a way to integrate the few messages that were there and burn it into my subconscious mind to the point where it feels like common sense. I also journaled and contemplated about the messages for myself as well. In addition to that, I went ahead and included the videos that I really need to integrate for my solid foundation below:

Reconciling Preferences and Needs with the Absolute and Relative The reason why I got attached to detaching was because I wanted to peel back the layers of who I thought I was to get in touch with my most authentic self. I'm not my tastes, preferences, hobbies, or even personality traits. Those are things I have but they aren't me. And even if any of those things changed, I'd still be me. But I held the absolute on some type of pedestal compared to the relative truths to where I wanted to sacrifice my own personal truth. That wasn't healthy and caused me to lose myself, and not in the blissful and enlightened way. As a result for the last couple months I've been taking a break from more existential topics. I wanted to connect back to my sense of self in a healthy way. I've also been brushing up on more foundational forms of self help that helps in creating a healthy ego through self expression, self exploration, advocating for your boundaries, understanding your wants and needs etc. It makes me feel like I have my head screwed on a little tighter and has been beneficial for me. The most refreshing and enjoyable part of this was when I made myself a Pinterest board and went shopping. Making the Pinterest board helped me come back to connecting to what I liked and gravitated towards without me writing it off as "oh this isn't absolute truth, stop distracting yourself, all of this is a materialistic illusion the ego puts on to deceive itself to thinking it's real." And going shopping made me feel more in alignment with my sense of self expression and made me feel more confident and in alignment and less repressed. I don't think that I'm attached to who I am right now and how I choose to express myself. This is a part of me exploring myself and as a result I'm open to change. And because that attachment isn't there, I don't think this is a product of reinforcing ego rather it's simply honoring the form my consciousness is taking at the moment. I think our preferences, tastes, hobbies, personality traits, etc. gets egoic when we believe that it is something stagnant in ourselves. One example may be saying you're not the type of person who goes to the gym as a way of avoiding exercise. In this case, you're attached to the idea of not going to the gym to where it's part of your identity and making yourself exercise is going against your self concept. Another example maybe identifying as a goth so much to where when your style naturally evolves out of it, you start having some type of identity crisis (it's not a phase mom). In both cases, you want to stay the way you are because changing is like the death of you. There is no openness to explore. Sure there is nothing wrong with being goth or being the type of person who doesn't go to the gym for the moment and honoring that, but there is a problem when you think that those things are inherent to who you are and aren't influenced by outside influences like your environment or past life experiences. Preferences, tastes, hobbies, personality traits, etc. gets egoic when we believe that something we're doing has some absolute truth that other people have to agree with or aspire to. Back to the example with not wanting to exercise. It's ok to honor that preference, but it becomes an attachment when you start judging other people who go to the gym or think your way to live is the right way to live. It might be right for you but it might not be for others for a variety of reasons. Dressing in a gothic way may be a way of expressing yourself and that's fine but it becomes an attachment when you think that everyone is some type of conformist sheep with no originality because people don't dress the way you do. I think another good way to look at preferences in the context of knowing absolute truth is to look at sexual orientations. From what I understand, it's unlikely that a person would change their sexual orientation or what they personally consider attractive before and after enlightenment when they realize that their orientation isn't some type of absolute truth. You're still going to have your preferences and still want to honor them. But it's highly unlikely that you'll be homophobic or look down on people who have different preferences compared to you because you know that your preference isn't something that everyone has to align with and you have compassion for people who have different preferences than you whether that be on the level of sexual orientation or simple physical tastes (fat women aren't objectively better/worse than skinny women for example, it's ok for people to polygamous or monogamous etc. people are allowed to like what they like). And you won't judge yourself if you do find your sexual orientation changing or evolving if you wish to explore your sexuality more. Another example may be physical taste. I may like chocolate but that's relative because it has to do with my personal taste buds, the culture and food I was raised around, what I'm biologically craving etc. But not everyone likes chocolate and they have their own reasons for that as well and that's ok. I can still like chocolate, it's not a preference that I need to transcend just because it isn't the absolute truth. I'm not attached to liking chocolate. Something might happen tomorrow that might make chocolate taste like trash and it probably won't hurt my sense of self. It might be a weird experience, but it's not going to launch me into an identity crisis lol. Finally, when it comes to the topic of needs, I think that's something that a lot of people try to transcend because it's seen as a selfish survival mechanism. Sure some needs are unhealthy, like an unhealthy need for excessive attention, and could be examined (but then again what is considered excessive attention and unhealthy are subjective terms relative to what we believe as healthy), but other needs are incredibly important. For me, I have an emotional need to not have sex until I get into a committed relationship. I don't want to engage in casual sex or have sex with someone who I don't have romantic feels for or haven't dated for at least a few of months. But I know that not everyone has this need. For some people it is healthy to have casual sex. I don't expect people to have the same needs as me for whatever reason nor do I look down on them or judge them. This need I have isn't some universal truth that applies to everyone and that's fine. And who knows, maybe later on in life I won't have this need and that will change given my life circumstances. That's ok too. I'm not attached to this need that I have but nevertheless I think it's healthy to honor it instead of forcing myself to do something that I don't want to do and go against my authenticity. The same could be said with nutritional needs. I know for me personally, intermittent fasting and keto does not work but that doesn't meant that it isn't going to work for other people because hey they might have different genetics, life styles, environment, and health conditions to think of therefore the decision is relative to that. Not everyone has to or should do keto and intermittent fasting. For me personally, going on a low carb diet and cutting out most grains made my body feel terrible and intermittent fasting got neurotic for me. It isn't my diet and I should honor that instead of forcing anything but it might be the perfect solution for someone else. And who knows, maybe things will change and I'll come around to keto and intermittent fasting in the future and that's ok too. I don't think I have that many attachments to my needs, preferences, likes, dislikes, personality traits, etc. But that doesn't mean that I can't honor them or that honoring them means that I'm egotistical. I can honor my relative truth so long as I recognize that it's relative and doesn't apply to everyone because of different perspectives and situations. If anything, honoring your own relative truth is like honoring a piece of absolute truth.

I catch myself judging myself for having weird hobbies that often involve self development and spirituality. I know these things aren't inherently weird but there is a part of me that feels weird because of the way spirituality is seen by nonspiritual people. I'm much more open on this forum and this place gives me a safe space/outlet to talk about things that I'm actually into and actually am working on. I wish I could be as authentic irl but in social interactions, I notice that I'm kind of afraid to say something that will make me look crazy. So as a result, I feel that I give off a rather closed off energy because I'm hesitant to talk about things that actually interest me. I guess I need to find a different social circle that shares my interests. But I don't know where to look irl and the fact that I'm stuck in the house doesn't help either. So until I figure out what I can do to change my circumstances, I'm thinking about trying to change my mindset and work through the shame I have around the stuff that I'm into. Thoughts?

Fair enough. I've had a lot of benefits from learning about spirituality and similar topics. I guess for me it's the fear of being seen as irrational or someone who just has their heads in the clouds. I think it's the stage orange social pressure to want to be seen as rational and logical. And my thing is that I do have critiques about new age spirituality. While I don't consider myself a new ager, I can see a lot of my views being interpreted as such. Which isn't a bad thing, new age spirituality has a lot of points. My critique is that a lot of new agers can lack decent stage orange integration and that's what causes them to look crazy and cringey. Without proper proper stage orange integration to stage green ideas, you get anti vaxxers who believe essential oils will protect you, companies like Goop, and people who think frutarianism or bretharianism are healthy and sustainable lifestyles just to name a few. I guess I just don't want to be associated with that group if that makes sense. I think that's one of the reasons why I got attracted to Leo's videos since 2018. They discussed spirituality but had a more integrative and systemic way of looking at it as opposed to "let's gather in a circle, talk about oneness, and start manifesting with crystals." Actualized.org to me seems a more holistic and integrative source that does a more solid analysis about existential topics.

I'm afraid of looking like a walking Awaken With JP parody lmao

I mean it's just things related to self development, spirituality, journaling, meditation etc. None of them are weird on this site but I know that if I talk about spirituality and meditation to the average person irl they'd probably think I'm insane. I normally try to mask these interests with my interest for the social sciences like psychology or sociology, or something like analyzing media and politics. Don't get me wrong, I'm also interested in that as well but there is a part of me that feels like I can't fully be authentic. I feel like this spongebob meme when I'm watering down my interests to not be labeled as crazy:

I mean that's true that men on here are more likely to be honest but I have also met plenty of normal guys and have been friends with guys who were honest about this type of thing and they aren't caught up in some type of ideology.

Tbh, I never got that vibe from Teal. I think it's necessary for a woman to not seek a man for containment physically. The way I saw it that that Teal tends to critique the whole "I have to do everything myself in order to be considered empowered" narrative. Because being super independent to the point where you can't ask people for help, you feel like you are alone fending for yourself, and you push people away isn't healthy. For women, there is a narrative that is pushed in society where she is expected to be a superwoman of sorts and who is able to do it all with no help from anyone, but that simply isn't realistic because it causes women to be exhausted and spread herself too thin (basically the stage orange narrative of what it means to be a strong woman and how it sometimes demonizes femininity by painting it as weak and can cause both men and women to be emotionally unavailable). Instead, it can be incredibly beneficial for a partner to step in and take care of some of that responsibility so that women can relax a little. And there is no shame in that so long as it doesn't devolve into codependency. I agree with this. I think Teal was addressing masculine containment here because socially there has always been the expectation for women to be kind and nurturing in a relationship whereas for men there is this expectation to be stoic and standoffish because they aren't socialized to be connection oriented the way women are. Also there is a lot of men who get babied by their moms and expect their future girlfriends to be a care giver of sorts once those men move out. It's kind of like saying, "hey men still have responsibility here, the woman shouldn't do ALL of the work whether that be emotionally or otherwise."

I feel that the dating section brings out the worst in a lot of people. And a lot of the more conscious people try to avoid this section because of that and instead rather focus on their development. Personally, I try to avoid this section and mind my own business in my journal. But I still get tempted. It's something I'm working on because a lot of what's being said in this section isn't affecting me in a healthy way. I agree with you and @Preety_India on this. I get that sometimes Leo tries to say things like "it's all survival" as a way to direct both parties to a more meta perspective, but imo, there is a time and place for that because then some people take that and further entrench themselves in their ideology. I've seen another thread that went in this direction and I get that all of his teachings can't be idiot proof and it's up to us to not misconstrue the teachings but at the same time he needs to meet people where they're at and direct them towards the next step, not skip a bunch of steps. It's like teaching a second grader calculus and expecting that kid to not get even more confused. Totally agree. A lot of this theorizing also leads to a form of victim mentality like "oh I guess I'm too much of a nice guy" or "I guess my jaw isn't square enough and I'm too short." Those are actual insecurities don't get me wrong but dealing with them by manipulating people instead of addressing their issues with self love leads to disaster. Granted I haven't had much of a social life from like 2018 to now (so like 3.5 years) for various reasons from me working on myself to getting trapped in the house with my parents because of a pandemic, but my view didn't get nearly as distorted. I don't know how much more of your life you would have to spend under a rock to end up with this kind of thinking. Yeah that makes sense. Sometimes I want to avoid this section entirely but at the same time I do have a motivation to correct misconceptions as well because of the implications they can have. Women are visual and we care about looks as much as men do but the thing is that we don't write off a man's entire value based on looks and dehumanize them in that way. Also with Bieber, a lot of people recently (like in the past couple years) have been becoming less attracted to him because he devolved in the way he carries himself (probably the drugs tbh). I remember one time I got on twitter and people were dragging him and saying that he was cute before and now he looks like the creepy guy you see in a trailer park. 2017 vs 2020 That makes sense. I caught myself falling into the same trap. Guess it manifests differently in different people and can come out in more blatant ways. I relate to this. I personally have a type that a lot of women/ society would consider ugly and I catch myself wanting to justify it even though my friends don't really care. It's a bad feeling when you show your friends a picture of a guy you like and they just reply with "well..... as long as you're happy I guess" and then you're tempted to be like "ok that's just a bad picture of him, I promise he looks better in person." lmao. I think when you're young, man or woman, you're fed with a certain ideal of attractiveness because you have limited exposure but as you get older and see what kind of guys are out there, you own personal palette starts forming. That's not to say attraction isn't still affected by society's ideals but it's like you develop your individual tastes as well. That's why imo a lot of incelly guys tend to focus on whether a girl is a ten by like modeling standards instead of trying to figure out what they like, having a broad diverse view of beauty, and gain appreciation for something outside of society's ideal. It's due to their own lack of exposure.

Sometimes I feel shame around waiting or that I'm asking for too much to take it slow physically, as if it makes me naive and childish to wait. I have reasons why I want to wait that are completely secular and that have to do with my physical and emotional needs. I know that I should honor those needs and that my boundaries are supposed to keep me safe inside rather than impress people on the outside. But sometimes I have my insecurities creep up and I can't help but think that there is something wrong with me for not wanting to engage in casual sex (I don't think it's healthy for me personally but I don't judge people who do have sex casually) or that I drive people away because of this need. Also, as I get older, there is a part of me that feels like I'm weird because I decided to wait. This seems rather silly and I know that probably I know better but I also just want to express myself so that I can just get this off my chest.

The vast majority of his videos have nothing to do with relationships. There is a few videos that I can see are influenced by the pick up lens but that's like maybe 4 videos among the 400+ videos he made. On top of that, those videos are mostly anywhere from 4-7 years old.

You'd think that a forum that is based on consciousness and self development would attract more high quality guys who are interested in those things. Yet there are things on this forum that I have read that aren't things that I encounter guys irl preach. In some ways, it's like the average guy has more sense than the average guy on this forum. I sometimes wonder why there are so many insecure men on this forum? But at the same time you don't see as many insecure women. It's a genuine question I have from my observations.

It's a shame that women tend to be judged more on something as static as beauty. It literally doesn't have to be that way. That isn't inherent to how people are wired, it's how society is run and how people are socialized. Low value people buy into that socialization and call it biology to make it seem absolute. But truth is that a woman's looks doesn't determine her dating successes. Sure an attractive woman may get more approaches but what is a larger factor as to how successful that whole thing would be is how she carries herself regardless of looks. There are beautiful women who get treated like trash by low value men and average-below average looking girls who get success in dating. Because on some level, man or woman, we treat others how to treat us based on how we assert ourselves and advocate for ourselves especially in the long run. That's why developing into a high value woman and working on your character is important. Women aren't exempt from having to work on themselves nor is their value static unless the only reason a woman is valuable to you is based on how she looks.