soos_mite_ah

@Derek White First of all, please don't use the term ABCD. I assure you that I have no problem with my cultural identity and that I'm not confused lol. Read the post. I provided all the relevant details. How? I don't have many expectations from them. I know why they are the way they are but that doesn't mean that things don't hurt or affect me.

I second this. It's much more difficult to make the right choice when you are given limited options in your environment or hell are incentivized to act in unethical ways.

@RendHeaven That reassuring thank you

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 2: Cringe I have come back to this Contrapoints video a few times because I find it insightful and I think there is a lot of insight I can use to delve into my own psyche in order to reflect on the issues that are bothering me. This time I took notes. 3:00 Cringe is when you notice yourself not measuring up to your own standards and having no self awareness in a certain situation Yeah I think that's why I socially cringe at myself so often. I have high standards for myself even if other people don't and because my standards are so high, I inevitably fall short causing me to cringe. Most people don't think I'm awkward and cringy but I still find myself thinking I'm awkward and cringy. 17:00-22:00 In this part, Natalie talks about the typical things that get labeled as cringy and how things that people feel contempt towards also gets labeled as cringy. Then she lists out what people typically consider cringy. Somethings that these groups have in common include: deviancy whether physical, mental, social, or sexual a combination of passionate sincerity and amateurism perceived tendency for lack of social composure obsessive interests and unconventional hobbies low social status I think I most identify with groups that have niche and obsessive interests (spirituality) and lack of emotional composure (issues with mental health, being a feminist, having a public journal, fears of appearing crazy). Masocotization/ Memeification: freeze a moment and have it exemplify a group of people you oppose Give a cringe worthy mascot so people won’t want to be like that public ridicule- it’s better to be the one laughing than laughed at Don’t act like that or people will laugh at you- control human behavior (public humiliation) My consumption of memes have a large role in this. The first thing I think of when I think of why I cringe when it comes to identifying with spirituality is all of the Awakening with JP videos. I think the same could be said regarding my shame with being identified with liking self help because I feel like people have a caricature of Tai Lopez and get rich quick schemes in their head. 25:00 Recognizing yourself as having things in common with a cringeworthy person induces self-cringe. Self-cringe can help you change your behavior, beliefs and self-concept Cringe to exert superiority Trollshielding: compensating for your own shame by projecting onto others Also think of scapegoats and how they help us process our own shame and anxiety 46:18 A-log theory of morbid cringe: We form obsessive and addictive contempt for people who have traits in common with us; people who make us uncomfortable because we see something of ourselves in them. Group representation aspect: Being afraid that other people will cringe at a group that includes you because of how the cringy people are acting Yeah this resonates with me when it comes to my interest in spirituality. I have talked about how there are some people in this umbrella who believe in things like being fruitarian and being anti vax and basically their pseudoscience clouds any amount of credibility new age spirituality has. Similar to the way Natalie was talking about the things she has in common with cat girls and the contempt she feels about them reminds me of how I sometimes feel about the spiritual community. Like I'm spiritual, but I'm not one of the crazy crystal people, I still believe in science and rationality and I believe the new age movement has some redeeming points but I'm not so openminded to where my brain falls out. I'm interested in self-help but I'm not one of those idiots who fall for thousand dollar courses and who is a bootlicker who believes that anyone can get rich by simply working hard and listening to motivational speeches. I have a more sophisticated worldview than that because I can take what works and leave the bs behind to create a more integrated sense of understanding. Well don't I sound like I have a tier 2 superiority complex in that....... But it's still important to always remember: 1:15:45 “When you point the finger at someone else, you point the finger away from yourself” So then you get a sense of safety from distancing yourself by being the judger instead of the judged. You pick someone to blame for the issue at hand and point at them and be like "this is the reason why people feel this way about us." Because it's easier to have a tangible villain/ scapegoat than blame some type of vague system for the stigma. Projecting the shame to a scapegoat doesn't address the stigma and just continues the cycle of shame, Again I see myself in this because I think for me it's easy to point to the crazy crystal people spreading pseudoscience as the ones to blame because new age spirituality is seen as woo woo rather than acknowledge that we live in age dominated my materialism, rationality, and science and that there are limitations to that world view. It's easy for me to point at Tai Lopez than for me to acknowledge the role of being in a stage orange time. 1:18:00 Moderate amounts of cringe can be healthy because it shows that you care about others. It can be a sign of self awareness. There are people who never cringe at themselves and lets just say those people tend to be narcissistic and lacking in self awareness. But as away to not end up like those people, some people go too far in the other direction to where they cringe too much at themselves causing them to have contempt for themselves and others. "There is narcissism in self hate." - David Foster Wallace. Time spent cringing at yourself is still time spent obsessing over yourself. The solution is self indifference. not hyping yourself up. Self indifference is the realization that you are not that big a deal. You maybe cringy in the past and you may be cringy now but everyone else is cringy too so nothing matters. Reminds me of the concept of no self. I think I could really benefit from Melissa Dahl's book Cringeworthy since it was cited so many times and because I keep coming back to this video. This is also a huge issue when it comes to my self esteem and issues with social anxiety and I think this book can shed some light on that.

Most of the answers are great but I would also add knowing how to do household chores knowing how to fix basic things around the house making healthy food/ eating healthy

I think I was being too vague with the ethics point. There is the whole animal cruelty argument but I was talking about how people who are really into caring about the earth and are concerned about climate change. For some people, becoming vegan gives them a sense of control, like they are doing their part and what they can in their power in the face of an existential threat. While some believe that going vegan will actually make a difference, in reality, it's a personal coping strategy at best since it's unlikely that individual people going vegan is actually going to be enough to save the planet.

I agree with everything that @Roy is saying and in addition to that I think destigmatizing mental health issues as well as making mental health services more widely available is crucial. To get people to stop abusing drugs, it's important to see why people start in the first place. One of the main reasons why people abuse drugs is because they don't have healthy ways of coping with trauma. It isn't uncommon in AA meetings for people to talk about how they started drinking to cope with abuse, sexual assault, stress etc. Not only will destigmatizing mental health issues and making mental health services help addicts but it can also prevent more people from becoming addicts since a separate, healthy alternative to not only cope but to heal is available. It's also important to view addiction as a mental health issue rather than seeing it as proof that someone is a bad person. People tend to moralize drug use and demonize people who have issues with drugs. By viewing addiction as a mental health issue, it destigmatizes addiction which then enables people with addiction to get help without being judged and it helps their loved ones support them in that endeavor instead of enabling them further by demonizing them and isolating them. Also, making all drugs legal can enable more people to get help with addiction since there wouldn't be the threat of them getting put in jail for drug possession. Addressing addiction is important for addicts and users but it's also important for dealers as well since many dealers are also addicts so therefore both the number of addicts and dealers will decrease. And finally, we need to address things like income inequality and low income/poverty stricken areas. People don't just wake up one day and thing "hmm, you know what sounds like a fun idea, let's sell crack." People get into these types of things because of money issues. If impoverished areas were given more resources and we lowered the price of college, I'm sure that would have an effect on the number of people who feel compelled to be dealers.

Shame Around Being Socially Awkward Part 1: Why Do I Think I'm Awkward So I'm going to be journaling and exploring why I am ashamed of any amount of social awkwardness. I'm going to start off with what I perceive as awkward on my end in the first place. The first 3 things have to do with my basic sense of shyness. Nervous about my interests: Did a whole post on how I'm self conscious about talking about spirituality and self development. I guess I could add that I have been spending a lot of time on myself to work through the issues in my life but that's typically not something that you could talk about with someone you aren't close to. I'm nervous about oversharing and making myself look mentally unhinged. As a result, I tend to under share about myself irl and I cope by getting the other person to talk about their interests and experiences so that I won't have to reveal anything about myself. I do reveal things eventually but only after I feel that the person can handle it depending on what I know about them. Being nervous around guys who I know are interested in me: I'm probably going to a whole post about this afterwards to delve in my perceptions of men. But I guess one of the big things is that I'm not used to male attention. I didn't catch anyone's eye through high school and middle school and then suddenly when I got to college I got guys hitting on me. And it wasn't just people in my college, a large portion of them were just people in public. It's just that, because I didn't encounter many situations like this growing up, I don't know what to do or how to react when something like this does happen. I just resort to saying thank you if a guy tells me I'm pretty followed by giggling nervously and trying to play off my awkwardness as me being shy and flattered so that it comes off as cute instead of weird. Most of this is lack of experience coming off as nervousness rather than nervousness tbh. Running out of things to say: I know silences are normal in a conversation but I'm nervous when I simply run out of things to say to the other person and I'm nervous that one of those awkward silences will last too long. I feel like it would make me seem uninteresting, as though if I don't have anything to talk about, people will think I probably don't have a life, I don't have interests, and I'm not doing anything with my life. I think the pandemic REALLY emphasized this because I definitely don't have a life now and as a result, I have even less things to talk about. This one thing gives me so much social anxiety. The next 3 things have to do with symptoms of my ADHD. I manage my ADHD well and I don't have a problem with functioning because I have really good coping skills but I don't like it when it slips out in social circumstances. Rambling: Contradictory to me feeling self conscious about running out of things to say, I'm also nervous about rambling. Hell, I found myself being hesitant to write long posts in my journal because of this. I'm afraid of things being one sided, the other person being bored or confused with all that I have to say. I don't want to lecture to someone because I think it would be unempathetic, rude, and not conducive to bonding with someone. I've also been constantly told as a kid by my peers and the adults around me that I talk too much and that no one cares about what I have to say and I'm pretty sure that has caused me to retreat and be shy for a chunk of my life. Interrupting: This doesn't happen that often but I cringe at myself every time I get too excited about a topic or contributing to a conversation to where I interrupt someone. I feel like I'm being unempathetic to the other person and that I'm revealing myself to be a hyper active person with no impulse control. But at the same time, sometimes I feel the need to do this or else the other person will keep talking and I won't get a chance to express my point of view (this is rare though but I still feel bad when this happens). Talking too fast, stuttering, filler words and not making sense: My mind goes a million miles per hour sometimes. I can have 20 different ideas in a matter of a second. But it takes time to articulate all that and sometimes I feel like my mind moves faster than my ability to express myself. It's the reason why I can't write in journals. I have to type because or else I can't keep up with myself. The thing with writing is that I can organize my thoughts and rearrange them to where they would make sense. With speaking on the other hand... well there is no backspace for my mouth. I'm scared of being seen as confusing, crazy, and not pleasant to be around because of this. This last one doesn't fall in any category, it's just kind of there tbh. Coming off as too positive: I have been told that I come off as positive and really confident by the way I carry myself and that I look like I have my life together. I have a weird relationship with coming off as positive. For a large chunk of my life I was angsty, depressed, and always ranting about something because being annoyed was basically my sense of humor. I had a group of friends but I thought that maybe I'd be more well liked if I was happy and bubbly. I don't know if I watched too much Charisma on Command the summer before college in order to reinvent myself or I read too many self help books talking about how people don't like being around negative people and how to be liked you have to be positive and upbeat. But when I eventually did get to a happier place in my life and I naturally came off as bubbly, I noticed that people still didn't like me and probably thought I was annoying for being a happy person. I'm afraid of coming off as a Tony Robbins sales person type of personality. I don't know how to describe it but it's like the the snake oil sales man type who acts happy and confident but it also looks really fake as if they are trying to craft this charismatic persona instead of being their normal self. I know positivity can be toxic and cold when it's not backed up with empathy but I am still pretty empathetic (though I might not be as warm....?idk man). I know people have told me that they found me intimidating when they talk to me. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Me being negative would be me being a downer no one likes but me being positive would be me being a deluded idiot who is happy all the time because there is this assumption that I'm not aware of the awful stuff in the world or someone who is on a different plane of existence because I have my life together. As a kid I got bullied for being happy, bubbly, and nice, and as a teenager I got criticized for being angsty. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to be socially normal ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And honestly, I don't know how much is me being hyper critical of myself because I went through a phase where I was weird and socially awkward in my early teen to preteen years (like many people) and this is me overcompensating, or how much of this is me cringing at myself because of my sense of self awareness and then how much of that self awareness is valid at the moment. I have talked about this with friends before and all of them tell me that I'm not awkward at all and if anything I come off as really socially competent. I think part of me still caries the self image of me from when I was 11-13 and socially awkward followed by when I was shy and quiet from 14-16.

Pandemic Angst I feel like I complain about the pandemic quite a bit in my journal. I'm pretty sure for most people I sound like I'm weak and I'm unable to cope and adapt with the changing times. Sometimes I think about the things I would ask my older self if I got a chance to talk to her. I go through this though exercise every now and then or so. I remember what I was like at 16, the things I was going through at the time, and the hopes and plans I had for the future. Back then when I was 16 I remember imagining what it would be like to have a conversation with my 21 year old self, where she would be in life, what kind of person she would have grown into, how she perceives the world. And now at 21, at the other side of the conversation, I can imagine that conversation being disheartening and me glossing over things so that 16 year old me would have some type of hope for the future. At 16 I remember diving into working on myself and understanding my childhood trauma. Whenever things would get unbearable I would think something along the lines of "hey I need to just get through 4 years of high school and then I'll be free. I can get the help I need, I can become who I'm meant to become, and I can do what I genuinely want to do." I worked really hard in school and I pushed away some of the experiences I guess a lot of my peers would be having, dating, parties, getting in trouble, doing fun crazy shit, things of that nature because in my mind I had a larger vision. I mean, we all know the real fun will happen in college. I can't say that I romanticized college. My expectations were simple. I was going to go to good school, study something I'm interested in, make some friends, have some fun experiences along the way, and then graduate. Or at the very least get out my parents' house and get help for the damage they caused. UHHHHH............. yeah 21 year old me didn't have most of that. Like I don't know how I would explain the pandemic to my 16 year old self in a way that wouldn't drive her to wanting to jump out of a plane without the parachute. First year and a half of my college experience was me piecing my life together after getting out of my parents' house. I knew damn well that I didn't turn out fine and that I needed to work on myself to have a foundation of being a stable, functioning adult. The very first day, before my classes even began, at 8 am I went to the health center to do whatever I needed to do in order to get free therapy sessions. The following 3 semesters where emotionally and physically taxing. I didn't have typical college experiences, nor did I have the time or energy to make friends. I thought my college experience was atypical but I had no idea how absurd it was going to turn into. The fourth semester however was when I finally started seeing some of the fruits of my labor. I began feeling like who I was meant to be and I'd say January -March 2020 were probably the happiest moments of my life. And then I moved back to the unhealthy environment I was raised in and while I didn't revert to who I was before I worked on myself, I acquired a whole new flavor of crazy because of everything that was happening. Everything is online. I live with my parents. I'm paying full price for a college experience I am not even having. And I'm in the constant state of existential crisis because I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. On one hand, I feel like I haven't aged since this began. I still feel like a 19 year old who turned 20 a few months back. The fact that I can legally buy alcohol doesn't even register in my mind. I feel emotionally frozen in a sense especially because I'm in my childhood bedroom and back in my hometown. It also doesn't help that my parents still treat me like I'm 16. And finally, I haven't accumulated many life experiences that would make me grow, explore who I am as a person, and become more confident and independent. On the other hand, I feel like this forced me to skip over my youth. Again, I didn't experience much of it in high school because I made college to goal. I didn't get to experience it in year and a half of "normal" college I had. And I'm sure as hell not experiencing it now because I'm basically locked in my room all the time. I guess you could say that I am getting a lot of life experiences and I am growing and exploring who I am as a person through journaling, contemplating, and working through various things, but the life experiences in question are traumatic. In the last year, my family had financial issues, my parents are scared for their lives because they are at the at risk category, my mom's anxiety is on over drive and she takes it out on both me and my dad causing us to be more paranoid about the situation than I guess the normal person, we had our shit stolen and were scared of break ins, we didn't have a steady amount of income (thank god we had savings or else we would be struggling), I had my fair share of health issues and mental health problems so bad to where I ended up in the hospital and had to go to numerous doctors which would've caused us to be in debt if it weren't for our savings and insurance, and finally I'm taking a break from school. It's like my age has been frozen and interrupted at the same time. In the thought exercise, I imagine my 16 year old self asking me, my 21 year old self, if things got better, if I found healing, if I made myself a new life that fits me better than the old one. And I don't know how much of the truth I would tell her. 16 year old me hung on to the future hoping that if she worked hard now whether it was in school or on herself that she will have a much better life in the future. I don't know what I would tell her. I guess no not yet, I'll have to refer you to my 26 year old self because things are uncertain now. I have the same questions now about whether things will get better and I want to ask my 26 year old self. I know my 26 year old self is looking at me from her memories. I'm nervous. I hope to god she doesn't feel the same way I feel about what I would say to my 16 year old self when she looks at me. Also there are reports saying how this will go on til 2024. I saw a tiktok about a guy my age talking about how he is pissed on how rona basically stole his early 20s and then was like, you know what I'm going to subtract 4 years from my age when this is all over because time is a human construct anyway. Like, I know he is joking, but lowkey, I want to have the same mindset lol.

What I understand is that individual efforts like eating less meat, going zero waste, thrifting etc. often gives individuals a sense of control in that they can control their choices to reflect their ethics accordingly. But if we're going to be really honest, in order to deal with climate change, we need to put pressure on large corporations since they account for a very sizable chunk of the pollution and carbon emissions. Regular people aren't the ones at blame here and putting the blame on regular people distracts us from the larger systemic issues.

No I can't. I'm not qualified to recommend solutions on issues that I have limited or no experience in. It would be an exertion of power and an overstepping of a boundary to tell a community what it should do about their own issues. I feel that the main thing I can do is speak up when I see something wrong and stand by other black women but I can't tell them what they can and can't do. Pretty much Our biases on a systemic and individual level are the root of many of our problems.

@Raptorsin7 I can't say much in detail because I'm not part of the black community but addressing systemic racism to bridge the gap in life opportunities and encouraging more intersectionality in feminism so that the voices of black women are heard are general points of action. Basically, check your misogyny and racism.

I don't know where these statistics are coming from and what are all the factors that are at play. But I do know that women as a whole are more likely to stay single or get divorced now because they have the means of living independently which means they won't have to stick around with a man who is not good for them for their survival. And I think that is a step in the right direction because a woman shouldn't have to put up with toxic of abusive behaviors because she can't financially stand on her two feet outside of a relationship. Socioeconomic status and weight/ health issues are correlated in that richer people tend to be healthier overall. Poverty and obesity are intertwined because unhealthy food is typically easier to prepare (poor people working many jobs typically have less time and energy to cook), and are much cheaper compared to healthy food. Then there is also the whole topic of food deserts that are present in inner cities in areas where a large chunk of the population are either black or latino. The whole thing with the food desert is that there isn't access to healthy whole foods and the only food that is area in the immediate vicinity is processed foods. Are they actually being dominated or are they perceiving the domination? Latina and Asian women aren't much different than black women but the way that they are perceived and the stereotypes that are attached to them can differ in what those stereotypes are and to what extent they are implemented. Black women are seen as more masculine not because they are actually more masculine but because there is a history of oppression that is built on stripping away the femininity of black women. White women can exhibit the same behaviors and styles of dress as black women and one group will be seen as feminine and beautiful while the other group will be seen as ghetto and ratchet.

Femininity and the way it intersects between race and class is a very deep topic of discussion and has a lot of history dating back to the earliest records of the slave trade. Women of color, especially black women, have been stripped of the notion of femininity as an effort to dehumanize. Women of color especially black women can't hide behind a façade of fragility and have other people take care of them like white women can. It's incredibly difficult to revel in your own vulnerability when you aren't given the privilege or opportunity to do so. This also applies to working class women of all backgrounds. White women are often presented as the ideal for femininity due to things like colonization. They are seen as the pinnacle of beauty standards and often are excused from their contribution to white supremacy due to their perceived fragility. I have heard many stories from black women who talk about how black men view them as less feminine compared to women of other races and how sometimes black men date outside their race because of their own self hatred. Even though femininity comes in many forms, the caricature of femininity that is presented in society is someone who is quiet, docile, and submissive and this notion directly contrasts with the stereotypes that are associated with black women which include notions that they are loud, ghetto, and domineering. Black women and men have been historically hyper masculinized in order to justify opression. Especially with black women, there is this notion that she can handle more than women of other races and that she is physically can take more, which means you can hurt her more and she'll be fine. This also has direct consequences in the medical field where the pain of black women aren't taken seriously (to the point that there are still some doctors who believe black people perceive pain differently which is not backed up by any research) which results in a greater likelihood of medical complications, some of which can be life threatening. I found a really good video talking about femininity as it relates to race and class (I believe it also talks about how certain forms of femininity are associated with certain groups as well but I don't remember if it was this video or another one)

@Raptorsin7 I have my preferences but I have liked guys outside of my preferences because they fulfilled the other stuff I mentioned. Sure there are some traits I like more than others but I can appreciate and find beauty in features that are outside of what I'm typically drawn towards. To me, if I really like someone who isnt physically my type, I catch myself eventually romanticizing what they look like lol. As far as do I expect him to value looks, I think to a certain extent its inevitable and I dont mind it. I think it becomes a problem when a guy says that is the main thing they look for or they dont understand how subjective beauty can be and they expect everyone to have a similar type as he does. It strikes me as superficial.

I mean it's like what, 6 things. I just went into detail to elaborate on what it means so that I'll know the traits when I see them. I'm pretty sure the man I like will value things like respect, genuineness, openmindedness, being supportive, a sense of stability, direction in life, and self awareness as qualities I have since those are important things to have for a good relationship.

wouldn't this be stage red because of the absurdity of the extravagance?

Yes. There are plenty of other aspects of my life that gives me fulfillment. A guy isn't an end all be all. I want a relationship but I don't need one. I have journaled about this in the past so that's why this is so detailed lol. I wrote down this list when I was 16 I think to be clear about my standards because I didn't want to waste my time with guys who don't value me or who aren't healthy. 1. Respect He has to respect himself by not being a pushover. He has boundaries and is able to communicate them in a healthy way. He has to respect other people regardless of race, sexuality, gender, and differences of opinion. We need to have similar political opinions and values. He has to be mildly mannered and keep his cool most of the time. I don’t play with anger issues. But when he is angry, he is able to express that in a healthy way. He has to respect his surroundings as in he is not a slob nor is he someone who destroys things out of anger. He has to respect me, my values, and my cultural identity and be open minded when it comes to dealing with my life. He respects people enough to break up with them and be upfront about any issues in the relationship and not cheat. 2. Genuine He has to have his own identity, ambitions, and hobbies. I need him to have a life so he is not clingy He has to have passion in his life in the sense he does things because he actually cares not because of any physical pleasure nor for an ego boost. He is honest in action and in word. He has his own strong sense of morality that he can back up without having to rely on other people to tell him what to do. A strong sense of integrity is a must. He has a humble and quirky side to him. He and I have to be able to be weird and comfortable together. He has to have a sense of humor that is similar to mine and isn't rude or immature. I am including this in the list mainly because some people have a sense of humor that tends to annoy the hell out of me. He is not materialistic or shallow 3. Informed / Open minded He is well educated and has informed opinions. He knows what is going on in the world. It doesn't mean that he has a fancy degree but rather he is committed to self education. When he encounters something unknown to him, he tries to understand it. He’s open minded. He is up for any new experiences, whether it be travelling to new places, tasting new foods, trying new hobbies, etc. He knows what he is doing in life and is not prone to making impulse decisions financially, personally, nor professionally. 4. Supportive He is supportive when it comes to my decisions and dreams in life. He tries to push me toward my goals and helps me become a better person. He is empathetic and emotionally / mentally there for me. 5. Stable He has his life together, is ambitious, and has major life plans. I am the type of person who can listen to most people’s hopes and dreams all day and not get bored, so basically, ambition is a must. Financially, he is smart with his money and does not spend on unnecessary things. I don’t care about whether or not he makes more than me, but he still needs to have some sort of sustainable income or plan to do so, because in order to manage money well, you still need to have money in the first place. My man is not going to be a bum that leeches off of me. We also have to be comfortable with talking about money. This isn’t a superficial thing (hell I don’t even mind being a sugar mama) but it’s more based on stability and practicality so we aren’t on the streets. This is also important since many relationships end because of money issues. (This is more of something I would consider in a long term situation) He is not a serial monogamist. He doesn’t need to jump to a new relationship as soon as one ends because he is comfortable and stable when it comes to being on his own. I don’t want someone who will end up being co-dependent on me and expect me to complete him because he is in a constant need of validation through having a girlfriend. We need to be able to be two separate people with separate lives who don’t necessarily need one another but much rather want to be around one another. I don't like clinginess because I do tend to be pretty independent and clingy guys are pretty suffocating. He can’t be on drugs. Now, the occasional alcohol or weed is fine, but it can’t to a point where he is addicted or he binges when he gets the chance. That said, I’m obviously not going to tolerate hard drugs, but I’m also not going to tolerate vaping or smoking on the regular mainly because I find smoking an absolutely disgusting habit that straight up repulses me. He is comfortable with vulnerability: He can express himself and his feelings towards me. He can communicate what he is going through responsibly and constructively. Vulnerability is important because that is the way the relationship can grow in the first place. I don’t want to date someone who is emotionally constipated and can be open with me. If he can’t be open with me, it is going to make it harder for me to be open with him. 6. Self-Aware He is self-aware. He needs to be emotionally open to himself and me so that we can actually get to know each other well. He needs to know himself enough to where he can recognize his own short comings as well as take steps to be better. I feel that self-awareness is key to keeping a relationship healthy because it helps you more efficiently communicate with your partner since you know where you stand and how to articulate your needs, concerns, etc. He has to be dedicated to working on himself, being a good person, and seek growth regularly. I consider myself as someone who has worked on herself immensely and personally, I feel like I need someone who has put in that type of work in himself as well. His communication skills are excellent. I don’t want to deal with someone who is passive aggressive, a liar, or deceptive. If something is bothering him or something needs talking about, he isn’t afraid to be vulnerable and express his point of view of the situation. He isn’t going to expect me to read his mind and pick up on overly subtle signs as though he is a kid. Lastly, He isn’t going to bottle everything up in our relationship. In addition to all of this I also have a short list of preferences. But the stuff I mentioned above are requirements. If a guy meets everything above but doesn't meet my preferences, I'm willing to go out with him. If a guy meets some of my preferences or hell all of my preferences but he doesn't meet one of the requirements, I'm not willing to go out with him. I think people tend to want to date those who are on their level. I'm sure the guy I'm looking for who has the above qualities are looking for a girl similar to that as well. I try to embody what I look for in a partner.

That's all fine and good but it could lead to more limiting beliefs and other issues around dating like assuming that all women are vapid and here to grab your money. I'm not saying that this is what you were trying to say or that was your intention but it can be interpreted as such since there is already a huge narrative that is built around just that. It reminds me of when other women tell me that "all men your age want to do is get in your pants and ruin your life because they are immature at this age and haven't worked through their emotional issues yet so they dump it all on you. Men are trash, focus on yourself." What I'm observing now is that as I get older, men don't necessarily get better so dating won't get easier as you grow up. There is always going to be more conscious guys and less conscious guys and it's about learning to navigate that instead of waiting for some magical age when people will finally mature.

Well damn isn't that a generalization. There are a lot of high value women at that age who have a sense of character, ambitions, a work ethic, etc. Sure it's not in complete fruition yet and she is probably still figuring things out but that doesn't mean that she is "consumed by social media and shallow bullshit and don't know what's important in life." But if you have this narrative and look for women accordingly, you'll find people who are actually like. I mainly point this out because people, especially men, see a woman's interests (especially if they are traditionally feminine) as frivolous, immature, or like they do it to attract men. And just because a woman has those interests doesn't mean that she is lacking in depth. Also, I mean I get why you wouldn't want to date someone in their early 20s given your age and how that can present a huge power dynamic given that each party would be in different life circumstances. But that doesn't mean that she's behind or that there is something wrong with her because she lacks life experiences.

I highly doubt that conscious, loving men are going to be like children. I can tell you this already, I'm not into guys who are like you. And it's a huge misconception that all men are like this. It's ok if your preference is a woman who prioritizes kids more but that isn't what all men look for nor does it mean that a woman who doesn't align with your preference is destined to fail in her dating life. Additionally, if me just existing and doing what I love to do is going to be intimidating a guy, that is not the type of guy that I would be interested in. I find that some men do get intimidated by me and honestly, I find it to be a blessing. If a guy approaches me, asks me what I'm studying and then gets all wide eyed and nervous around me because of my answer to where he moves a way from me, I see it as the process of elimination. I have a lot of value that I can provide in a relationship because of my ideas, my experiences, the way I've grown myself, my outlook etc. which are partly a product of what I do and I think it would be rather foolish for someone to look at ALL of that and be like "yeah this means that she isn't feminine enough for me, I'll pass." I'm not going to water myself down for that. I'd rather mind my own business, do what I want to do, and then eventually have that energy attract someone who resonates on a similar level. Even though I want a relationship, I don't consider situations like the one I mentioned before a loss or unsuccessful because it wasn't something that was a match to begin with. You can't lose something that wasn't meant to be. I also don't mind men who aren't as high achieving as I am or in the future makes as money as I do so long as he can still support himself and doesn't feel the need to bring me down in order to stroke his ego. He needs to be confident and hold his ground in that way.

@Raptorsin7 yes

I was just skimming through the comments and damn.... some of yall sound like yall are stuck in the 1950s.....

I found a few videos that I thought had good advice and I thought I'd share that.