soos_mite_ah

YES! I tend to get so excited when I finally find people I have things in common with since it happens so rarely. Thank you, I appreciate that thought. I do have an awful habit of internalizing some issues as "something being wrong with me" when it has to do with my environment instead. So basically, what you're saying is that not clicking with someone and acting as though you're dismissive avoidant is normal to some extent and it isn't me making excuses with my individuality complex, nor is it a lack of social skills?

I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions but being less judgmental and more emotionally open are a couple goals of mine. What are some judgements that stick out to you in my writing? What is it about my writing that comes off as overly logical? This entire time I've been thinking that I am very emotionally open on here and I don't shy away from any topics so that's why I'm curious as to what my blind spots are. They aren't undesirable, just not my type. The guys that were asking me out weren't guys that I was interested in. I try to give people a chance at least with a couple dates. I just don't think I found anyone that I really click with or that I have a lot in common with especially given the area that I'm in.

Just curious, what kind of men do you think I'm looking for? What makes this unsurprising? What specifically do you think makes me come off as cold? I don't have that many issues with guys being interested in me. It's more of I'm not interested in most guys and it probably has to do with me not having much in common with the guys that do ask me out.

I'm going to be completely honest and say that I would really like the input of the people reading the last couple posts because I don't know if this is just me and I'm deluding myself or if I actually make sense. I also wonder if other people have felt the same way where they feel that they can get by in social situations without making things weird but they don't feel like they are compatible with people either platonically or romantically

Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I a Dismissive Avoidant or Am I Just Not Into You? I know in my last post I was talking about connecting with people on a platonic level. But what really got me thinking about this was me reflecting on this guy that I met on tinder that I've been talking to. Again, I have decent social skills so it isn't awkward. But I feel that because I don't emotionally resonate with this guy, the whole situation feels forced and I leave every conversation with feeling exhausted. And because I associate this dynamic with a sense of exhaustion and with this feeling of it being forced, I hesitate when it comes to starting conversations and replying to messages. The whole thing feels like work. Don't get me wrong, all relationships require effort to maintain and grow but it shouldn't be so much of a drag to where it feel more like work rather than you actually enjoying yourself. Also I'm pretty sure I've written about this in the past but I have yet to date a guy who I'm actually interested in. I have had crushed on three different guys so far and none of them liked me back (and honestly, thank god). First guy turned out to be really racist and said that he "only dates white girls because brown girls are gross and weird" despite him being brown himself. Second guy had a secret boyfriend. Third guy was my professor and even though I'm romantically attracted not to him the thought of actually acting on it or having my feelings reciprocated grosses me out. (honestly I can admit that I barely know this guy and that I'm more attracted to the idea of him and what he represents than who he actually is) I'm 1000% sure that he isn't attracted to me in the slightest. Even though none of these guys reciprocated my feelings, I have been asked out by other guys. But all of the guys I've been on dates with felt forced not only because I'm not into them but because I don't really have much in common with them. I know that I'm the common denominator in these situations so naturally I thought I was the problem and that I'm a dismissive avoidant. I'm starting to question that. I remember when I was talking to guy #2 who turned out to have a secret boyfriend, before I found that out, I was actually good friends with this guy. I was never dismissive avoidant around this guy and I think it's because I actually liked him. I had my own issues with being vulnerable and opening up back then but I wasn't leaving him on read nor did it feel like a chore to talk to him. I would look forward to talking to him and hanging out with him even if it was only platonic. We did have a couple things we had in common with one another namely our goals, ambitions, values, and our desire to get into selective colleges. Most of our conversations revolved around those things. We didn't have anything in common on a surface level so every time we would talk it would be about something deep and personal. And while that isn't bad, when all of your conversations are like that, it does feel rather off balance. I was also going through my fake deep phase at the time so I didn't realize how this wasn't the best dynamic. Basically in the end, he ended up treating me like the therapist friend. He wasn't a bad guy. In fact he met all of my standards of what I considered to be really good guy. But just because someone is a good person, doesn't mean that both of you guys will be the healthiest for each other. And as soon as we finished applying to colleges, we ceased having things in common with each other and it got awkward and forced. I guess my main issue when it comes to dating is that I can't find a guy who has all of the following: A decent guy who checks off all of the boxes when it comes to my standards of being a decent human being A guy who likes me back A guy who I have things in common with both on a deep level with values and ambitions but also on a surface level with hobbies and interests I also think that dating online and through something like tinder also doubles down on how forced the process of dating feels. I think that contributes to why I don't like dating and why that feels super exhausting but I think that's a post of it's own.

Emotionally Connecting with People vs Having Social Skills: Am I Closed Off or Do We Just Not Click? Ok so I was going on a train of thought late at night and I'm still not sure where this train is taking me or if any of my thoughts make sense so get prepared for a messy train wreck of a journal entry. So lately I've been thinking about if I actually emotionally connect to and resonate with the people around me or if it's just me having basic social skills. I think most people fall into the later category. I feel like because I have many niche interest, I don't find people I have things in common with every day so as a way to cope with that, I learned how to play the social game pretty well. I'm really good at asking open ended questions, empathizing with people and their experiences, adding in a joke in the best time, knowing the best ways to handle different social situations smoothly etc. I find myself relating the extroverted dismissive avoidant that is described I believe between minute 3 and 7. I'm good at working with people and I do come off as outgoing at times. I do tend to be a bit more of a floater and I can socially connect to people but not necessarily emotionally connect with them. And while I don't come off as warm, I don't come off as cold either. The video talks about coming off as lukewarm but I think in my experience I come off as warm but with a wall of competence around me that makes me look more polished so as a result, people don't feel the complete amount of warmth from me even if they can sense that it's there. The parts that I can't relate to is an avoidance for deep conversations and not understanding why people have extreme emotional reactions. If anything, people tell me that I'm really good at having conversations irl. But even though people tell me that they always have a good insightful conversation with me, I always find myself feeling exhausted after the interaction or that I didn't actually connect with that person. At the same time, there are people who I have clicked with instantly and I've felt as if I could talk to them for hours and still not get exhausted. I believe it's because I actually create an emotional connection with the later group and as a result I feel more authentic and therefore I'm in more alignment with who I actually am rather than in a place of resistance. And I think the thing that differentiates the groups of people I socially connect with versus the people I emotionally connect with has to do with to what extent me and the other person have things in common with each other. There is a bit of shame that I sensed when I realized that I tend to connect with people better because I have things in common with them. It goes back to this whole thing: The shame also comes from me remembering what I was like in middle school and how back then I had the worst individuality complex. I remember that back when I was 13, I was in my peak "I'm not like other girls" phase and I also took the MBTI test where I found out that I'm an INTJ which is also like a super rare type for a woman. My individuality complex kicked in and used this as an excuse for not being able to connect with people and having shit social skills. I built a whole web of limiting beliefs especially around interacting with other women at the time. I have since then dismantled most of those beliefs and adopted this mentality of "I don't need to have a lot in common with someone in order to connect with them." I definitely think there is some truth to that because you shouldn't limit your social circle to people who are like carbon copies of yourself but at the same time I think it is limited because I think for me that caused me to force connections with people that I didn't have things in common with and that I couldn't feel like I can truly let loose and be myself around. It also caused me to internalize when I don't click with someone as "social failings" because that train of thought is more along the lines of "I didn't click with this person because I'm not interesting enough and I have shit social skills" instead of being "I didn't click with this person because we simply don't have much in common with each other." There is also a chunk of time where I don't socially or emotionally connect to people. And in those times I don't come off as an outgoing social butterfly nor do I actually emotionally connect to the other person. This is kind of mean but I remember talking about something with a friend regarding being socially anxious or awkward around this group of guys we used to hang out with growing up and my friend was like "you're actually really confident and outgoing. The thing is that you can't relate to stupid people. It's like you're on a different plane of understanding your world and they can't relate to or understand what you're talking about." This friend isn't super spiritually aligned but I think if she was exposed to those topics more, she would say something along the lines of not being in the same level of consciousness instead. I think the overall thing I'm trying to say is that the less I have in common with someone whether it comes to values or interests, the more closed off and more avoidant I come off. It's not that I'm super closed off, it' s more along the lines of the fact that I haven't found "my people" yet. And when I do try to connect with people I don't have much in common with, I can socially connect with people but on some level it still feels forced and inauthentic which results in a sense of exhaustion after that interaction which then leads me to believe that I'm this huge introvert when I'm not. Because when I find people that I click with and actually have things in common with, I can't stfu and I feel more energized from that interaction. Every time I have clicked with someone, they describe me as an extrovert but every time I run into an acquaintance or someone I don't have much in common with, then they describe as an introvert.

@Zigzag Idiot I do believe that there was a study done about the emotional availability between genders in a platonic context. The results were along the lines of two women together have a more emotionally intimate bond. The next down the list is a woman and a man. Then the least emotionally intimate bond is between two men. The interpretations of these results are that both genders are more likely to open up in the presence of a woman and a lot of it has to do with how women are more socialized to be more open with their emotions and expressions. There is also a connotation that women are more caring and therefore needs to take the more compassionate role in a relationship. I also believe there was another different study that showed that it isn't uncommon for women to have to do most of the emotional labor in a romantic dynamic because a lot of men, since they don't have many emotionally intimate friendships, they tend to offload EVERYTHING onto their girlfriends. Also women do tend to be more physically affectionate with their friends. It isn't so much that they are a few mixed drinks away from having a same sex experience lol but it's more along the lines of if two women are good friends, it isn't super uncommon to hold hands and cuddle with each other or hell kiss each other on the cheek. There is also a joke on how a lot of lesbians have trouble differentiating if a girl is being an affectionate friend or if they are actually gay and flirting with them. Whereas with men, they can't compliment each other without it being followed with "no homo." To me, homophobia, sexism, and emotional unavailability are all connected because of how systemically, men are discouraged from embracing their femininity because there is an assumption that if they do, they aren't manly enough and therefore won't get the approval from other men.

The longer I'm on this forum, the more I feel that a lot of the people are are orange but they think they are yellow. They have the blue shadow because they are at orange but they also are resistant to green because it is seen as lower in consciousness compared to yellow. I feel that a lot of people on here are so quick to point out the short comings of green without fully integrating it into themselves. I also think it's important to take things like race, politics, and gender into consideration when discussing things related to romance, sex, and intimacy because those things don't exist in a vacuum (ESPECIALLY when it comes to gender issues). We need to stop treating issues like sexual assault and racism in dating as some type of one off horror story and see it in a more systemic way. I think that's what's wrong with this forum. For women, the stories on here don't shock us because it's so common but men tend to see this in a context of an isolated case which then results in them perpetuating a lot of the bs that further perpetuate the issue.

So I'm talking to this guy I met on tinder and we made a plan to go on our first date in a few days. He's texting me everyday. It isn't coming off as clingy because it's mostly "hey, how's your day?" kind of stuff but to me it feels too frequent. I don't even talk to my friends on a daily basis so this feels like a little much considering we aren't even that close yet and we haven't even gone on a date. I guess my idea of normal might be like twice a week or longer without contact? Then again I tend to have lower social needs than a lot of people. Is talking to someone you're dating everyday normal or am I just not used to this much attention from one person? Also, since I'm at this topic of what is normal in a relationship, what is a normal pace of a relationship? I'm familiar about what is rushed and why that can come with a plethora of red flags but I'm not sure what's a regular, healthy pace. How long does it take before you guys actually feel like yall know each other? How long is it until you actually develop feelings for each other and a sense of excitement? How long does it normally take before you guys say "I love you" to each other? What's a normal amount of time to date someone before getting into a commitment with them?

Owning a house isn't really one of my goals. Personally, I just really like the idea of living in a small apartment and using my space efficiently instead of having a bunch of extra space I don't really use. I also don't want to live in a suburb. Maybe I might want to live in a larger apartment if I have a family but as far as a house goes, I just don't see it fitting into my life until I'm old and I'm living my life in the country side. I get that homeownership is an investment and renting doesn't give you anything in the long run. Like logically it makes sense to want to own a home. But it doesn't resonate with me like at all. It makes sense but it doesn't seem as fulfilling to me as other people make it out to be. Am I just crazy, too young, and naive for thinking this?

@Zigzag Idiot I don't think there is anything wrong with romantic love but I do believe that it is put on a pedestal too much which can be harmful to both men and women, especially women. There is nothing wrong with different forms of love whether that be love from family, love from friends, or love from a significant other. But overly emphasizing one form of love can be detrimental and can be an function of the ego. The reason why there is such a emphasis on romantic love in the female experience is because of the patriarchal notion that a woman needs to be in a romantic relationship with a man in order to be fulfilled and happy in life. Often times a woman achievements in other areas of life are completely overlooked in social settings and it always comes down to "so are you single? Why are you single? When are you getting married?" There is this notion that if you aren't in a relationship that there is something wrong with you. I feel that this sentiment effects men and women in different ways. For men you get the whole incel phenomenon where they dig themselves into a deep hole by internalizing feelings of unworthiness from lack of romantic and sexual experience. A more common phenomenon is how some men measure their worth on how many women they have slept with and see being a virgin as the worst thing in the world as if that tells people something about their masculinity. For women you get a lot of women who are willing to settle for men who aren't good for them by any means just to preserve their sense of self worth and to save face. Or once they do get into a relationship, they ignore every other facet of life and now their life revolves around their relationship. There are many ways that putting romance on a pedestal can manifest but these are just to name a few. Those phenomenon are probably much more common than the incel phenomenon tbh. But in general, I think it's messed up how people feel unworthy of love just because they aren't getting romantic love. I also think it's messed up on how society sees people who have never been in a relationship as people who don't know what love is because that completely ignores the love that you cultivate with your friends, family, and yourself. I know so many people who just feel so lonely and unlovable on Valentines day even though they have other people in their lives. When you start putting your self worth on your relationship status, that's what turns the whole thing into an egoic mess.

The Men are Not Okay I do catch myself looking at men in general and asking myself *are yall okay* and I'm pretty sure that the answer to that is a NO. I do believe that there is a real issue with masculinity and how it should be defined in a healthy, more integrated way. I also think that a lot of the beauty standards that are applied to men are not realistic in the slightest and need to be analyzed more. I did do a post on this months ago in another journal and I thought I'd include it since it's relevant. And I think it goes without saying that men not talking about feelings, and as a result not having as many close relationships and not getting the help they need when they are struggling with something is a HUGE issue. Men might get the better end of the stick when it comes to the patriarchy, but it screws them over too pretty badly. I could talk about men's issues all day but I do find myself hitting a wall. And that is the question on how to rebrand masculinity. Sure I have some ideas, but in the end of the day, I don't feel like it's my place to tell men what masculinity is to them. I don't have experience as a man so I'm not really qualified to answer that question. I wouldn't want a man to define femininity for me. The thing that frustrates me about men is that because they get the better end of the stick that is patriarchy and benefit from it compared to women and nonbinary people, they don't try to analyze how the patriarchy can actually harm them. And to make matters worse, many men are blind to the way the patriarchy hurts them because they are cut off from their emotions in general. So basically, you get self deception from both sides. I found this in my recommended recently and I think its a reallly good analysis. The video is about right wing ideology but I think it goes in depth into a lot of men's issues. It also addresses issues around the pick up community as well as incels. I contemplated on posting this in the relationship section but I decided against it because I doubt that the guys who probably need to watch it actually will watch it. Which is why I'm sharing in this journal instead.

I swear, every time a thread opens about women and giving women the space to talk about their experiences and their needs in a relationship, it always devolves into some mess because some of yall dont know how to listen.

@Applegarden8 Yes, I'm currently living in a house. I think that has more to do with having thin walls than it does living in an apartment. I've lived in places that had reasonably thick walls which gave me a sense of privacy but I've also lived in a place where the walls are so thin that you literally have to whisper or else the neighbors will hear you. That was pretty annoying and part of me was always paranoid about what the neighbors could/couldn't hear. One time I woke up early in the morning and I heard someone making the bed and folding the sheets. Like the amount of stuff I could hear was creepy. Basically an apartment with walls that aren't too thin is the goal. Yeah the idea of getting tied down, living in a suburb where you have to have a car, and settling for one place just doesn't appeal to me at the moment. Again, maybe things will change for me in a decade or so.

@kinesin That makes sense. I guess maybe the reason why I don't resonate with that because I'm simply not in the place in my life where I want to settle down in one place and have a family yet. Idk, maybe in 10-15 years I might be interested but for now, that isn't in the vision of where I want my life to go.

Embracing the Awkward Part 2: Finding Confidence in Awkward Moments When I realized that I was neither awkward nor not awkward, I decided that I was going choose to focus on the more charismatic sides to myself because that's what's best for my sense of self love and self image instead of focusing on all of my "social failures". Because there isn't anything inherently wrong with me and I'm worthy of connection but to fully deprogram my limiting beliefs, I need to focus on my social wins and times when I did feel worthy of connection to rebuild that part of myself so that I can let go of my limiting beliefs. Because if I keep focusing on how awkward I am, I'm going to create more awkward moments. However, if I focus on the times I was socially competent, I'm going to create more moments that socially flow smoothly. It's just how the law of attraction and just self fulfilling prophecies work. But I also want to take it a step further by finding myself worthy of connection even when I am awkward. I think that viewing awkward people as people who are not worthy of connection is a huge limiting belief. I know plenty of people who can be awkward a lot of the times but they still have friends and a social life. I also know plenty of awkward people who are also in relationships. The last one is something that I want to emphasize more because I think it would be easier to focus on it to prove a point. I think in dating, especially for men, you're always told to be super confident and that being awkward or shy is the worst thing that you can do in terms of attraction. While I do think there is some truth in that, I don't think that's a blanket statement that is applicable in all cases. I know awkward and introverted guys who have girlfriends. I think it has to do with finding confidence in your awkwardness. I have a story that shows a guy who was confident with his awkwardness. So in my first year of college, I was going through this *flirt with everything that moves to get this part of my life handled* phase. There is this one guy that works in my college dining hall. I just decided to flirt with him because why tf not and also since I wasn't attracted to him romantically, I didn't feel like I was under any pressure. I think I just complimented him on something really small and he got really red and shy and he just started stuttering. But here's the thing, that sense of shyness didn't come from a place of shame or self hatred. I think that's why it didn't come off as awkward and creepy. While I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time and I considered myself asexual, I thought that he was absolutely adorable and endearing because of the way he acted. I'd say that it was a million times more attractive than any type of alpha male trying to have a mask of confidence when he's secretly deeply insecure about himself and his masculinity. (also side note, if a guy uses the term "alpha male" unironically, you're immediately branded as an insecure person in my mind ESPECIALLY if you use alpha to describe yourself. It's the epitome of cringe as Contrapoints describes it where you lack self awareness and you don't measure up to your own standards) As I thought about that situation I was like "if I could see this person's awkward behavior and still think that they are a person worth connecting to, why can't I see myself in the same way?" Personally I find that if I find insecurities in myself in someone that has the same trait but I have no problem accepting the other person as a way to show myself the hypocrisy of self hatred. I remember growing up I was insecure about my height so I looked at a friend who was the same height as me and asked myself if I see her as any less worthy or beautiful because of her height. The answer is obviously no so then I would ask myself "well, then why do you feel that way about yourself? Why would you treat yourself worse than you treat others?" I find that this way of thinking helps me unpack a lot of things and I think applying this to my awkwardness is no different. EDIT: Additionally, I think being confident in you awkwardness is similar to being confidence in your ignorance. Because someone who is confident in their ignorance isn't going to double down and defend their worldview if there is something they don't know or they are wrong about (doubling down and getting defensive makes you look more dumb anyway). If they are confident, they can admit that they don't know everything and make peace with that because they still accept themselves in the end of the day. The same goes for being confident in your awkwardness. If you are confident in your awkwardness, when confronted with an awkward moment, doubling down and trying to be more confident will come off as an overcompensation which then will make you look even more awkward. Instead, being confident in your awkwardness means that you can still accept yourself in awkward moments and be at peace.

Embracing the Awkward Part 1: I'm Neither Awkward nor Not Awkward I've been thinking about how I tend to associate being awkward with being unworthy of connection and I have been questioning this unconscious belief. I think the reason why I have this belief is because I always wanted to be one of those people who were a social butterfly who basically got along with everyone regardless of whether or not they had anything in common with them. Don't get me wrong, I was always content with having a small circle and I didn't feel this need to have a large group of friends. I think part of it has to do with how extrovert centric the U.S. is. But I guess somewhere along the way, especially through the school system, I was given this message that if you are really outgoing and charismatic, then you are a leader, you're good with people, you're going places in life. And if you aren't that way, well you're socially incompetent or there is nothing exciting about you. Like I remember growing up having my smart, more introverted friends who were hardworking get passed up on opportunities or even awards in school because the teachers didn't think they exhibited enough "leadership qualities." And for the longest time I thought that I wasn't a "people person" because I wasn't super extroverted and I didn't click with everyone. I think part of me also has this image of what a socially competent person is and when I fall short of that, I tend to internalize it. For example, I don't click with everyone. I can get along with everyone on a surface level, but I'm not like that super enthusiastic magnetic person (you know THAT person). And when I don't click with people, usually because we don't have anything in common, I see that as a sort of social failing on my part. I then start beating myself for being awkward and not exciting enough. Sometimes I wonder if I even have an actual personality because interactions like that leave me feeling that I'm a boring person. And I start feeling like I don't have social skills because I ran out of things to talk about with a person because I don't have anything in common with them. It's not really about me wanting to have a deep connection with everyone I meet rather it's about wanting to have a degree of socially competence that I thought was only reserved for extroverts. I've been trying to break out of this thought pattern of me being awkward. I think it's easy to selectively remember parts of your life according to what you consider yourself to be now. Like for example, let's say that you think of yourself as a creative person. Because of that identity, it's going to be easier to go back and remember moments where you were creative. But odds are, there were also moments in your life where you failed to be creative because no one is 100% one thing. Unless you integrate that uncreative part of yourself, the memories that you have of not being creative are going to be more hidden from your consciousness and you won't have an accurate view of yourself and instead cling on to this idea of being creative. Sometimes, all it takes is to notice those parts of us that we reject or ignore in ourselves. Awareness alone is curative. So in my case, since I have this idea of in my head that I'm boring, that I lack social skills, and that I'm awkward, I tried to find moments in my life where that wasn't the case. I found that even in the times of my life where I would characterize myself as the most socially awkward an shy, I could still find moments where I was really good at dealing with people and was able to get along with a number of different people. If anything, I probably found just as many, if not more, instances where I was charismatic and good at dealing with people compared to when I felt socially awkward and uninteresting. A lot of it just had to do with what crowd I was surrounded by and how well they matched my level of consciousness, spiral stage etc. I have this memory where, I don't remember the context of this conversation, but basically she said something along the lines of " you're actually really outgoing, you just can't relate to stupid or shallow people. You can't relate to them because your efforts of trying to connect to them just doesn't compute in their heads." Looking back, I'm pretty sure this less to do with how intellectual someone is. Like I've met idiots that I connect with and I've met a lot of smart people who I don't click with. I don't think it has to do with intellect rather it has to do with consciousness and spiral stage. Since consciousness and higher spiral stages have a more expansive and inclusive worldview that integrates more perspectives, they can be seen as smarter. For instance I've met plenty of stage orange smart people say some REALLY sexist/racist/homophobic things and I remember looking at my friends before finding spiral dynamics and just questioning "how could a smart person, say something so stupid?" Now I know that it has nothing to do with their intellect, it has to do with how conscious they are. Basically the conclusion I came to is that there is nothing absolutely true about me being awkward and socially inept. Whether I show up that way or not is relative to the context and the people that I'm surrounded by. I also think another thing that helped me was viewing social awkwardness as an emotion rather than a character trait because emotions come and go relative to the situation but character traits can make something seem inherent to someone.

I'm starting to consider this more and more. I know that sometimes I try to take responsibility but then instead turn around and start blaming myself. Distinguishing between responsibility and fault can be nuanced at times but I'm getting better at it. I also watched a video recently and the video mentioned something along the lines of how validation can be incredibly healthy can get help you on your journey towards self love because hearing other people tell you positive things over and over can condition you into thinking positively about yourself the same way that negative things being repeated over and over can also condition you. I think that whenever people see something about wanting validation, people often assume that you're trying to fill a bottomless pit and then as a result you keep seeing advice that's along the lines of "never look for support outside of yourself", "don't depend on others, everything you need is inside you" etc. But wanting validation can come from a healthy balanced place where you need a reminder sometimes but you don't need to be showered with attention constantly. Thank you, I sometimes need that reminder. Sometimes with my childhood, it feels like such a large obstacle to overcome and as a result I catch myself wondering where I would be and how much further I would have gone if this obstacle wasn't there and I could that time I used to deal with this elsewhere in my life. And then I compare myself to this fantasy version of myself which causes me to think about how I can reach that ideal without wasting anymore time. Sometimes I feel like I need to catch up with my potential.

@Raptorsin7 Honestly I'm not really focused on building an audience or making money from this at the moment. Those things would be nice but I'm mainly doing this because I enjoy doing it and I want a place to myself so that my posts can be more organized. I also tried doing youtube at one point and I honestly hated the whole process. It simply didn't resonate with me at all. I don't see myself doing twitch either. I thought about doing a podcast but I think that would be later down the road. Basically, I'm going into this with no expectations and no pressure other than to have fun.

I can totally see that thank you. I'd say that I have that limiting belief in myself as well where I think that I can't date or form relationships until I'm fully healed from every wound from my childhood. Because of that I'm trying to put myself out there despite not having things together and despite seeing myself as a mess. I'm also a big believer of "if you can't love yourself, you can't love other people in a healthy way" and to me that means that I need to work on myself and pick a partner who has done the same so that we have a healthy dynamic. I'm starting to look at that more and perhaps I don't need someone who has their shit together, rather I need someone who has the awareness to actively work on themselves (as opposed to being with him because I see potential). My biggest fear is to make and impulse decision and get into a toxic relationship because I don't want to waste my time and I know just how much of a set back a bad relationship can be. The bold part resonates with me completely even now since I'm stuck in the house with them. Speaking of which, I felt as if I dealt with a lot of issues that I had with my dismissive avoidant attachment style but after living at home and not going anywhere for a year, it's like the issues I had with my attachment style was double downed on. I working on that recently and omfg it helped a lot. I've been opening up more with my friends and while it doesn't feel uncomfortable (it feels like relief), I do catch myself wondering if I'm doing too much or if I look like a mess.

I thought about that before where I was like *am I actually oversharing or do I just think I'm oversharing because I'm so used to feeling like I need to present a certain version of myself?* And that's a difficult question to answer for me. On one hand people think that I'm distant and don't open up but on the other hand if someone asks me "what's wrong?" I have no problem opening the floodgates and express everything that is going on with. I guess I need permission to be open and vulnerable because I don't want people to be weighed down by my issues or me to talk about something when they are dealing with their own thing. When I do get that permission, I feel like that's when I slip into what I label as oversharing. I think a really good example of this is my journal and how long the posts are. I sometimes look at my posts and think "damn, this bitch is going on and on about something people don't care about and is just airing her dirty laundry to everyone on this forum." I never thought of vulnerability in this way. I think part of this has to do with the dating advice that is usually geared towards women. Some of that is really fear based like if you try to be vulnerable you will be taken advantage of, you will be manipulated, you will be abused and to avoid this you have to do everything yourself because your partner isn't going to help you, don't rely on anyone, and you have to be super independent etc. And if you don't do these things, you will attract partners who are toxic and you won't be seen as sexy or desirable because you'll come across as needy. I used to look for dating advice before when I REALLY had no idea what I was doing. But in hindsight, I see that I got a lot of advice that either doesn't apply to me or is really unhealthy. I feel like some advice magnified my dismissive tendencies so I just stopped consuming that type of content and tried to be mindful of my personal tendencies instead. I don't think I really have an issue about fearing conflict regarding communicating what I need and what my boundaries are. If there is any conflict I fear it would be along the lines of one of us going through something while the other basically starts playing therapist or doesn't get their needs met and then that devolving into codependency. Like no, figure out your life and come to me when you're whole. I'm not here to fix anyone nor do I expect anyone to fix me. Honestly I think I could really benefit from having my blind spots and limiting beliefs called out.

@RendHeaven I think that parenting strategy is really normalized and common to where most people don't see anything wrong with it and therefore continue the cycle. I want to say it's a boomer thing but I'm sure generations after them probably still use the same tactic.

Off Days and Punishing Small Mistakes So for the last couple days I've been having an "off day." I haven't really been myself. My sleep schedule is a little weird. I had a couple negative emotions come up unprompted out of nowhere. I showed up to work with the wrong shoes on and I had to clock out, go home, change, and clock back in again (wearing open toed shoes is kind of a safety hazard where I work so it makes sense). And this morning I forgot a zoom meeting that I set up with someone because I got my time zones mixed up. These are all minor mistakes that are easily fixable. But when I made these mistakes, I had a large wave of negative thinking wash over me. The self talk that I was having were along these lines: You're so stupid. You're such a piece of shit. What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you pay attention? This is why no one likes you and you aren't getting anywhere. How can you be so careless? You're so unreliable. You're so incompetent. All of this accompanied by this general sense of cringe, shame and self hatred. All of these statements have one thing in common. These are things my parents would tell me whenever I made a minor mistake as a kid. These minor mistakes can include but aren't limited: leaving my jacket at a friend's house, breaking a glass or a plate by accidentally knocking it over, spilling something on the carpet, spilling things in general, tripping over something, eating one too many cookies, and misplacing something and then spending 5 minutes looking for said thing. And even if they didn't say those exact statements, they would make a sound of disapproval, shake their head, or do something else that basically expresses "god you're so stupid and annoying." I saw a post a couple months back which was along the lines of why punishing your kids or yelling at them for something very minor can be very detrimental to a kid. Because most of these small accidents don't have that many real world consequences and can be easily fixed. There is no point in making a big deal out of it. Just let kids be kids. And if you get yelled at those small mistakes, first of all you're getting rid of trust with the kid because if you yell at them for small things, when someone thing big happens, they'll be too scared to go to you and try to fix it themselves causing them to maybe get into a more dangerous situation. Second, it makes them anxious and overly self-critical which then enforces perfectionistic tendencies. Third, it leads to anxiety around making mistakes and messing up along with a lot of negative self talk which doesn't even do anything to help the situation. I get the mentality of punishing small things so that kids don't get the idea that they can get away with bigger things. I get punishing so that a certain behavior doesn't continue. But these things can easily be done by setting proper boundaries and enforcing them. Also, accidents aren't patterns for behavior. They just happen because we're human. And I think this also goes back to the whole notion that degrading someone isn't the same thing as disciplining them. You can discipline a kid without personally attacking them, talking down on them, or just being plain rude. A very easy way of dealing with situations like these are *oh well, that sucks, it isn't a big deal we can fix it together.* Like you don't have to go into a whole tirade on how stupid the kid is. The first time I encountered an adult who treated me this way was when I lost my wallet on the bus at school. She just told me "l'm sure everything will be fine. You can check with the bus driver and I'm sure your wallet is still there. I'm sure nothing super important was there that can't be recovered easily." I was freaking out and frantically I told her that there was a lot of important things there which included my driver's license, credit card, $10, and my school ID. And to that she replied something along the lines of "that's not a big deal. You can cancel the card and get a new one quickly, you can get a new school id in 10 minutes after school, and you can apply to get a new drivers license after reporting it to be missing in under 5 minutes. These things happen to everyone at some point. It's ok. Yeah you lost the 10 dollars and this whole this is annoying and inconvenient but other than that it's fine really." I was just shocked with how calmly she treated this situation and how she mainly emphasized on how this can be quickly fixed. Because if I told this to my dad, I would have gotten yelled at for 45 minutes on how stupid and irresponsible I was and how he can't trust me with anything. She didn't make me feel like an idiot or anything. She was really reassuring. Now whenever I make a small mistake, I try to have that attitude with myself but because this was only one interaction and I've had countless interactions where my parents yelled at me, my instant knee jerk reaction is to beat myself up for small mistake. This is still something I'm working on.

Just because you met him years ago, doesn't mean you really know him. IMO if it's been that long, it doesn't even count anymore. I mean even if you didn't mean it that way, it can be easily taken that way and it's really important to take that into consideration. Also, devotion without any proper commitment while being in the dating phase looks a whole lot like desperation and not having any standards.

This makes sense. But tbh, people becoming official before the 3 months mark doesn't make sense to me.