soos_mite_ah

@RendHeaven Lol he was fine. He wasn't sexually or romantically romantically attracted to me. It was just no strings attached affection. No hearts were broken and no balls were turned blue.

First of all, I want to say thank you, I'm flattered. I think the reason why I think I might cringe at the title is because I don't have much of an idea of what direction this journal is going to go in. I started this on a whim similar to my main journal. After making The Joy Journal, a couple months later I found myself thinking *ahh shit I came up with a better fitting title because now I know what direction this journal ended up taking.* I read this book about awkwardness a few months back that had an interesting perspective on awkwardness. Basically, often times, awkwardness occurs when you present an unpolished version of yourself that contradicts your perception of yourself or other people's perception on you. It's like they get a peek behind the curtain. And what's more seemingly unpolished than a previous version of yourself that you recently rethought or outgrew? I watched a video about cringe attacks a while and the conclusion in that video was along the lines of how we cringe at our past selves because it's an uncomfortable piece of evidence of self growth. I don't think cringing is necessarily something that needs to be overcome so long as it's not causing too many issues. It's just like any other emotion that comes and goes and as long as it doesn't linger and cause problems, it's good. Sometimes you can just feel it and move on because like any other unpleasant feeling, it can be very revealing and very healthy when it comes to self reflection. Yeah, it's been pretty weird. I confidently identified as asexual for 7 years so doubting something that I was so sure of has been interesting to say the least. I guess any label you assign to your sexuality or sexual orientation can be a placeholder because sexuality is fluid. At the same time, I think it's still important to honor whatever you identify as and accept it as a part of your experience and as it is real even if it was just for a moment. Like I don't think that me identifying as asexual was fake or any less real back then compared whatever I'm figuring out now. Yeah navigating romantic attraction in a world that meshes romantic and sexual attraction together can be challenging because it's not the perspective or experience that is often talked about and represented. I have had to figure out how to navigate dating as someone who was heteroromantic, but not exactly straight and yeah it wasn't super clean cut. Mostly no, I haven't had much luck with online dating. A lot of it imo has to do with how the whole experience is structed rather than individual people. I'm more interesting in doing things in person because it feels more natural. I did write a post about how online dating for me felt really forced when it came to the romantic, emotionally intimate, trust building side of things. I also think that technology to a certain extent can bring out our inner sociopath because everything is behind a screen and doesn't feel real and as a result it's super easy to brush someone off and swipe left even though in person you'd probably at least would try to have a simple conversation with them. With tinder specifically, I think by design it is very surface level because most of it is based off of looks (though I think things have gotten a little better with them including hobbies/ interests in the form of little, very visible hashtags, but it's still not much better).

How Being Asexual Made Me More Mindful in Attraction I find it very interesting and ironic how being asexual through my teen years made me more in touch with my sexuality and experiences with attraction. Like I know that what I was experiencing was experienced by others so it's not like I was stumbling into new territory but being asexual and figuring out that identity made me dissect those experiences more. I'm going to start with talking about attraction in this post. Typically when people think of attraction, people just think of regular sexual attraction. But when I was asexual, I didn't feel that sexual attraction towards anyone by definition. However, I still felt attraction towards people but it was in an aesthetic sense, a platonic sense, a romantic sense, or in a sensual sense. I think this picture explains things really well. And personally the impression that I got from people who didn't identify as asexual was that to a lot of people attraction is kind of a monolith that always leads back to sexual attraction. For example, people mesh together romantic attraction with sexual attraction as that tends to go hand and hand with most people. But as someone who was asexual, I have experienced romantic attraction in the absence of sexual attraction. And I don't think I'm alone in that regarding my sexuality. Like most people even if they aren't asexual have experienced that but a lot of people never slowed down to question it. For example, a lot of kids before hitting puberty have experienced a crush or two. But there was never anything sexual behind it because i mean yall were children who didn't go through puberty yet. But most kids don't grow up and identify as a sexual meaning feeling romantic attraction and feeling sexual attraction are different things and they don't always go hand in hand and this experience isn't just isolated to people who are asexual. Asexual people imo are more likely to be able to differentiated it because things don't lump together. When it comes to aesthetic attraction, I think that's were a lot of people would doubt me when I identified as asexual. Even when I was asexual, I still found people beautiful or even hot. And when I would say something along the lines "oh he's cute" people would jump and think it's a *got ya* moment. Then I would explain to them what aesthetic attraction was. And I would describe it as looking at people like paintings. I can think a painting is beautiful without having the urge to fuck the starry night. Or another example would be how girls think others girls are beautiful all the time despite most girls identifying as straight. Again, differentiating between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction isn't an exclusively asexual experience, you're more likely to be able to see the contrast between the two because you don't feel one of them in the first place. I would say a really common experience is being able to notice when someone is conventionally attractive but not getting the hype because that person isn't making you feel some type of way. It's like *oh cool, she has a really symmetrical face. ANYWAY, back to what I was doing.* It's kind of like watching those oddly satisfying videos of kinetic sand being cut into perfect slices. I think a good example of people meshing aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction together is when for example a woman thinks another woman is really attractive and says something along the lines of *this person is so attractive that I think I would go gay for them.* Lets be real, they're probably not having sexual fantasies about that person, they just think they're really beautiful. They're just very aesthetically attracted to that person. I know that quote is an exaggeration, but the figure of speech still proves a point of how aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction mesh together. Then there is sensual attraction. I'm a very physically affectionate person. I've always been a hugger. I've always been comfortable with touch. A lot of it probably has to do with my upbringing. My entire family is like this. Even though I'm 21 I still cuddle with my parents, yes even my dad. And I guess to some people that's really weird because they sexualize showing affection. I have heard stories of some dads who refuse to hug their daughters after they go through puberty because they think it's weird. And I think that's so heartbreaking. Ok so I'm not trying to say that I'm sensually attracted to my parents, but what I'm trying to say that some people sexualize any type of physical affection even if it's not inherently sexual. IMO cuddling isn't weird unless you make it weird. And I have felt sensual attraction toward people and again people think it's a *got ya* moment. There was a guy that I went to school with and we were cuddle buddies. I loved playing with his hair, holding his hand, and curling up next to him. And people would sit there like *alright let's bet how long it's going to take for these two to develop feelings for each other, date, or hook up.* But no, none of that happened. Our relationship was strictly platonic even if we sometimes looked like a couple from the outside. Also, this man was definitely not asexual. He was straight. The main takeaway from all of this is that there are many forms of attraction and while many of them go hand and hand, these can all exist independently from each other. And most of the time, you can experience multiple forms of attraction at once, there is still nuance in that experience of attraction. While I don't think that I'm asexual anymore, because that was how I identified for 7 years, I'm very good at differentiation different forms of attraction and being mindful when I do find myself attracted someone. Basically, I think this mindfulness makes me take in attraction more consciously and more in depth.

How Much Do I Think About Sex and Intimacy So first I wake up every morning and I roll around in bed for about an hour regardless of what time I got up at. I roll around the bed and I hug a pillow and imagine that I'm cuddling with someone and that I woke up with someone. This may or may not escalate into me having more sexual thoughts. Some days I wake up with back pain and in those days, I'm even more lonely because all I want is someone to give me a massage and then fuck me. I continue on my day as usual like an normal person. But every time I get a time to take a break from whatever I'm doing, or I'm bored / spaced out, or if I have any amount of free time either I get intrusive thoughts about something really sexually out there or my mind simply wonders to someone hugging me from behind or flirting with me or just engaging in innocent touch. I daydream way too much. This especially happens when I'm in class and I'm supposed to be focusing on whatever is going on (however lately I have noticed that I can focus and think about these things at the same time). I kind of also have this weird paranoia of someone in my class secretly being able to read minds and the get to me only to see straight up porn. I remember seeing some statistic that was along the lines of men think about sex every 7 seconds and honestly I thought that was fake until I started going through a phase where I have been constantly emotionally thirsty. I forgot what the statistic was for women but I think it was that they think of sex every 20 seconds. And then there are some days where I just really want someone to hold me and cuddle with me and usually this leads me to taking a lot of naps and dozing off while again hugging a pillow and burying my face in it. That definitely messes with my sleep schedule at times. Speaking of my sleep schedule, sometimes I'm up waay too late fantasizing about things that will probably never happen that I'm ***manifesting***. Also, I can't sleep unless I have some type of made up scenario in my head or I imagine someone holding me and running their fingers through my hair. So basically, I spend a large chunk of my day just fantasizing.

@Etherial Cat

Also, I'm going to bet right now that I'm probably going to regret the title of this journal and figure out something more interesting a few months from now and I'll be cringing at my choice.

The Female Gaze Soo, something that keeps coming up on my recommended both on YouTube and on TikTok is people talking about the difference the male gaze and the female gaze. When I first encountered discourse around this topic, somethings just kind of made sense. Like for instance, straight men and bisexual women/lesbians, though both groups are interested in women, I always felt that I got different vibes from the way that either group talked about women sexually. I can listen to bisexual women and lesbians talk about women they find attractive and what they are into all day and be fine but for some reason when straight men talk about the same topic, mainly guys who are like aggressively straight, I'm so uncomfortable. I always thought this was some type of bias I have and to a certain extent that may be the case but upon finding the whole male gaze vs female gaze discourse, I felt validated when it came to how I picked up different vibes from each group when they talked about the same topic. I wrote about the cottagecore aesthetic a while ago in my main journal and I wanted to include a part of that here since it relates to what I'm talking about. The way I came across this whole discussion was people on TikTok basically commenting on a video that went viral. That video was basically this really buff guy who was just confused and seemed upset as to why women flock to guys who are skinny, kind of feminine looking and why he the alpha male chad person couldn't get a date. And women basically had a field day with this because it was so clear how some men have absolutely no idea what actually attracts women. I mean don't get me wrong, there are women who like really fit guys but tbh, most women don't care that much if you have abs or not. A lot of people also were talking about how men do things to appeal to other men rather than appeal to women because they are operating under the male gaze. And even though on the surface it looks like they are trying to attract women, deep down inside it's about validation from other guys and feel more secure in their "masculinity." I put this in quotes because I think masculinity can come in many different forms but the patriarchy has a very narrow definition of what it means to be the masculine ideal. From my own observations, I have noticed that some guys see sex as a conquest and a high body count as something to brag to other guys about. And if you are a virgin, it's thought that there is something horribly wrong with you. There is also this whole thing about on how women stereotypically want a super buff guy who makes a lot of money and who is super dominant and tbh, as a woman it feels like it's clear as day that this stereotype is just projection of what men think women want based on what they consider worthy in a patriarchal hierarchy. And tbh, if you have those types of limiting beliefs when it comes to attracting women and you follow the male gaze when it comes to female attraction, it's like a recipe for disaster and a lot of alpha male cringe content. And I stg if there is a guy comes on here and is like dON't asK a FiSH hoW tO BE cauGht, I'm going to be irritated. I know self bias is a thing don't get me wrong but it's like, women have direct experience on what they like and the fact that we speak our truth regarding what we like only to be shut down is just further proof that men will prioritize the voices of other men and appeal to them than listen what to women find desirable. The whole thing with the male gaze is that it's everywhere, especially in the media when it comes to things like cinematography. The perspective of women are not well represented or prioritized. As a result, you have a bunch of women who have what attracts men down to a science and you have a bunch of men who can't appeal to women to save their lives. Let's be real, one of the main reasons why there isn't a female equivalent of an incel is because of socialization and the way women are taught about what guys are interested in from a young age and are taught to prioritize relationships in life for better and for worse. The same can't be said about guys because again, the female gaze isn't well represented. So what do women find attractive? I can't say I have all of the answers since I can't speak for all women. But I can describe things and explore things from my personal gaze as a woman.

Capitalistic Notions of My Best Self So this came up in my subscriptions section on YouTube and I thought it was funny. It was also a moment of just self reflection for me because I started thinking about how I was academically elitist when I was growing up and how I've grown and changed since then. Katherine talks about her experience with all of this and a lot of the clips that she was reflecting on felt like a more extreme/exaggerated version of what I was like at that age. First things first, I would say something that young Katherine and I had in common back in the day was having grades, not learning and school as a high priority and as a result was judgmental towards other kids and was critical over their own performance. I wouldn't say that I was overt with my judgements and it effected the way I treated other people. I mainly kept those thoughts to myself and judged people who wouldn't do their work (especially in things like group projects lol) but consciously I also knew that people have different things going on in their lives and I have no way of knowing everything. I remember once making an observation that a lot (not all) of the kids that performed well at school and was at the top of their ranks did come from more upper middle class backgrounds even though most of the people in my school are lower middle class. I did encounter people who were kind of stuck up with their grades and honestly, I have felt this need to fight people on sight. I'm planning on doing a whole 'nother post on my experiences with elitism. Like for me, the way that I was self critical about grades came from a very fear based mindset that was along the lines of *if I don't do well in school, I won't go to a good college and if I don't get into a good college, I won't get a good job, and if I don't get a good job I'm going to be starving and homeless so everything depends on the grades I get on the next exam* I'm going to go into that more in another post about childhood under late stage capitalism. I never got to the point where I never let myself rest or have a moment to myself and felt like I had to be hyper productive. Katherine talks about how like even in the shower she would try to optimize that time for being productive around the 13 minute mark and I just thought that was wild. I had a lot of anxiety and depression growing up mainly because of my home life and as a result I felt like I needed to take time for myself and not push myself as hard because or else I might have a full on break down and yeah... I'm not here for it. But I did have some guilt and hesitation around prioritizing self care and self growth. I always felt like I was prioritizing the "wrong thing" at that stage of my life because I was always expected to prioritize school, my future career etc. by my parents, teachers and peers. I still sometimes feel like I need to make up for lost time when I do get to a place where I'm emotionally doing well. My ideal self is someone who is productive and who is getting ahead in life. That previous statement is definitely rooted in internalized capitalism and just stage orange bs because it prioritizes what I can do rather who I am. But I think the other part of it is that the difference between who I am at my worst and at my best isn't really that different. Even at my worst, I don't have much of an issue with aligning with and standing up for my values. I'm still kind and able to empathetically communicate with people. I still make an effort to think critically and slow down rather than making rash decisions. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my character and my values are consistent whether I'm at my best or at my worst. As for the differences between me at my best and me at my worst comes down to how productive and focused I am, how emotionally and socially open I am, and to what extent I judge/complain. Out of those three things, I think how productive and focused I am displays the most obvious and tangible differences and as a result feels more real than the other two. Especially in a stage orange society that values things that are material and can be measured, results and tangible successes are prioritized. This is a bit of a tangent but I think people who have to deal with marginalization are much more likely to question the system and think critically about it. Because the system doesn't work for you and you find yourself wondering why that is so. For example, I grew up as a woman of color who has had issues with mental health, who was exposed to issues of classism and institutionalized racism from a young age, and who has had to unpack generational trauma from things such as colonialism and its effects. But when you're in a place of privilege and the system works for you in some way even if it's just in a relative sense (because lets be real, things like the patriarchy and capitalism screws everyone over at the very least on a spiritual, absolute level). It's like, you aren't going to reevaluate your life on a good day when everything is going as planned. You're going to reevaluate when things are going wrong because it's in the best interest of your survival to figure out what the problem is and try to fix it. And I know this is going to sound rather rude, but priviledged white people don't have to question these things and as a result, a lot of them go through the motions without critically thinking. It isn't always overt hate, sometimes it's apathy and the priviledged of going through the world unscathed. And when you're surrounded by people who come from the same cushy environment, you start to assume that the rest of the world is like that and that the rest of the world doesn't have to think about things like race and generational wealth. Implicitly, you start to assume that we actually live in a meritocracy. If I remember correctly, I remember Katherine talking in another video (forgot which one) on how she was raised in silicone valley in a super competitive area that expects you to know what you're going to do for the rest of your life at 13 or so and how there is a lot of pressure in those areas that is rooted in capitalism and elitism. But because of her privilege and how things like this were normalized growing up, she didn't question much of it. I believe that she talked about how she started questioning these things when she got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and how the medication she was taking resulted in a lot of anxiety and depression which then caused to her realize how ableist cooperate culture and capitalism can be. And then the pandemic and the whole BLM protests last year made her question things even more. I guess what I'm trying to convey is that the more you're exposed to systemic issues on a personal level through direct experience, the more likely you are to reflect, grow, educate yourself, and be mindful of those experiences. The reason why I didn't go as deep into this capitalistic, stage orange mindset like Katherine is because of the exposure I had with other systemic issues. And while I had my own personal issues, I guess there is somewhat of a silver lining there as well. The more I write about these things in my journal, the more I realize that there is no such thing as personal problems rather there is only systemic problems that effect us personally.

Not sure if this has been said or not Comfortable with her emotions and can communicate them in a healthy and effective way Can set boundaries and doesn't settle for less than what she authentically wants or for people who don't treat her well Committed to self awareness, introspection and working on herself Committed to self education in whatever subject she's interested in (has hobbies/passions/interests)

It's kind of difficult to explain in words. I mean it feels good to be yourself. If we want to get spiritual in the explanation and look at it through that lens, it's because i want to feel authentic and therefore more in alignment with the unique version of source energy I'm embodying at the moment. Authentically expressing yourself is an important part of embodying oneness. It would cause unnecessary conflict that makes everyone involved uncomfortable and on guard. Often times I don't want to deal with people coming at me with their butt cheeks clenched looking for a fight. But mostly I'm also too lazy to lecture to people about my interests if they deep down inside don't care. I'm not really looking for people who are a carbon copy of my experiences or my hobbies/interests. Difference is good. I like being able to branch out and learn new things that I otherwise wouldn't venture into. But I think with relationships, whether they be platonic or romantic, there needs to be a good balance of similarities and difference. If yall are too different, you won't have much in common and it will be difficult to relate. But if yall are too similar, it can get boring and lead to stagnation because there is no newness for either of yall. And I'm with you when it comes to why I'm on this forum. This place is a nice outlet and I'm pretty sure this place kept me sane to a certain extent lol. You're right. Isolating isn't really the answer. I'm going to be moving into a situation where I can do that when I go back to school in august but I've been locked up in my house because of the pandemic so that is definitely a factor.

Pretty much. It's not so much about not being able to disagree with people or stand up for myself. But it's more along the lines of if I'm looking to relate to people, i wouldn't lead with the most unrelatable side of myself in order to connect to people. For instance, I'm not going to start talking about my political views unless it comes up with people I know are conservative. If the conversations come up with acquaintances, I don't have an issue with expressing myself or standing up for myself. But I'm not going to try to use that as a medium of connecting with people if that makes sense. I'll try to find something else we have in common with and talk about that, like idk, like what we did over the weekend. But it can get awkward when you run out of those mediums especially if you didn't have many in the first place and as a result you run out of things to say. I just wanted to reiterate this point because i don't think it's coming from a place of insecurity or fear. It's more so a feeling of isolation and feeling out of alignment with your surroundings.

Online Dating Feels Forced Ok so a couple weeks back I wrote about how I tried to talk to a guy I met on Tinder and how the whole thing feels forced. I came across a tiktok that explains this in a different lens which I found interesting. It was talking about the importance of context in dating. I'm going to link the video below but just in case it doesn't show up, I'm going to quote it: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdVKEeMP/ I know that she ends on this whole thing by talking about ghosting and I like her point of view on this on how these apps systemically contribute to the whole ghosting phenomenon instead of blaming the individual. But I also want to add the point of view of how a lack of context can make it more difficult to trust a person and how that can impact feelings of safety both psychologically and physically. For me, it simply doesn't feel right to go from being complete strangers to dating. That's not to say that you have to be my friend first but it's more so along the lines how a lack of context contributes to a lack of familiarity which then leads to a lack of trust. For instance, I'd probably be more comfortable going on a date with someone I see on a regular basis in one of my classes even if I have never talked to him than I would going on a date with a random guy who I met on Tinder. I also know that in the cases with Tinder, my friends and I also send each other pictures of what we are wearing as well as the address of the location we're headed to just in case things get weird/scary since we're meeting total strangers. We wouldn't do that type of thing if we were to go out with idk say a friend of a friend that we know exists but we never really interacted with. Because in your social circle and even a little bit outside of it, you have somewhat of an idea of what kind of people you hang out with, what kind of people are likely to enter the social circle, and any red flags that we should be aware of (like for instance my friends and I have an idea of which guys around us we should avoid because of their creepy/ misogynistic tendencies and we warn each other accordingly). I also wanted to emphasize on how meeting people irl through people you know feels more seamless and natural because of that context. Because even if the guy I met on Tinder turned out to be a decent guy who isn't some type of serial killer, it still feels awkward to a certain extent because of a lack of things and people in common. Again, there is that sense of trust and familiarity you get when you share a common context which then makes it easier to open up and get to know each other. I guess the conclusion I have came to upon reflecting on this for the past 2 weeks is that I need to build a friend group and some type of a social circle first and then potential dates will come from that because this whole online dating thing is just not working... like at all for me. And even if that doesn't work, I'd rather die alone in peace than go through the pain and awkwardness of forcing something the feels wrong or not meant to be.

@Raphael still isnt showing. Its saying it's a copyright issue ??‍♀️

@Raphael The video isn't showing up lol. Can you please just describe what it was? @Raptorsin7 I've tried screaming into a pillow and surprisingly, the screams get really muffled and you can't really hear it. I had the same fear too before trying it

Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 2: Social Anxiety So upon realizing this whole parallel perceptual reality thing that I'm experiencing because of the pandemic, I felt a few things come over me. Firstly, I felt really depressed and started having suicidal thoughts because I felt as if I was alone in my perspective, that I was crazy for feeling traumatized by this whole thing and not moving on quickly like everyone else seems to, and that I was wasting my life in this hell. I've met people who have had normal fulfilling lives so far with normal healthy parents and they seems so happy. Then I look at my life and I see all of the experiences those people racked up and see how empty and trauma filled my life is. Again, sometimes my life feels like a constant cycle of being traumatized, healing from that trauma, and then another traumatic event pops up out of nowhere either because something happened out of the blue or I remembered something and realized I never addressed it. It's like playing wack-a-mole in the worst way possible. And I'm so tired of playing wack-a-mole. I just want to skip to the part where I'm living my best life, I know what career path I'm taking, I have a solid group of friends, and I'm financially and emotionally stable. Second, I felt a sense of social anxiety rush over me. Part of me feels like I can't relate to a lot of people, again because of this parallel perceptual reality, and in order to relate, I'll probably be relating to other people's trauma. This freaks me out for two reasons. One because I don't want to trauma bond with people and get into a codependent dynamic. And two because relating to people based on the traumatic things that happened to you when you're in the early stages of meeting someone is awkward and makes you look like a fucking weirdo. I know that the pandemic has given me a new flavor of crazy but I don't want my crazy vibes to attract other people with crazy vibes. And that makes me want to crawl into a hole and shut myself out even more even though I crave making new friends. That is something that I personally call cocooning. Basically I want to crawl up in my cocoon, work on myself to be the most competent version of myself, and then come out of that cocoon as this actualized butterfly. I'm tempted to go inside of this cocoon because part of me doesn't think I'm worthy of connecting to people in this state nor am I going to be able to create lasting friendships in a mindset like this. Like I remember the last time I tried to put myself out there to make friends, I did make a couple of friends mainly because we had shared experiences, those shared experiences being mostly trauma. And I outgrew those friends so quickly once I got help and got into a better mindset and next thing I know I can't relate to them. I don't want that cycle to repeat itself. I know the simple solution to this is put yourself out there but don't reveal the really personal and painful things you experienced lately. I mean having that sense of privacy is important. But the problem with that is then I find myself falling back into the whole parallel perceptual reality dynamic where I feel super isolated and possibly fake. I guess the best way I can describe this is that it's kind of like wanting a relationship but you don't want to go through with the formalities and the whole thing that is dating. Like you just want to jump straight to the point where yall are comfortable with each other, neither of you guys have shaved in 3 weeks, and yall are eating take out while watching anime. With friendships it's the same thing. I don't want to go through that whole phase where I act super normal and relatable. I want to jump to the point where I can talk about spirituality, leftist talking points, and the newest weird thing I found on the internet that I'm obsessing over. I know this is coming from a place of desperately wanting to connect and relate to people I have things in common with. As much as I hate to admit it, I crave validation. Not in *stroke my ego and call me pretty* way but more of a *I need someone to relate to so I can stop feeling crazy and I can make this parallel perceptual reality thing to go away.* And even though I crave validation and human connection, I'm so tempted to just shut up, keep quiet, act like the most vanilla version of myself, keep my head down, give up on my social life, get my degree and get the fuck out of my college. I know this is a huge limiting belief but a huge part of me doesn't see the point of trying to make friends since I'm going to graduate in like a year and a half or so. It feels to late to make friends. My whole college experience has been such a dumpster fire and I'm tempted to throw in the towel and just be antisocial.

Parallel Perceptual Realities Part 1: Quick to Move On So things are for the most part "back to normal" (whatever tf that means) where I'm at in regards to the pandemic. A large section of the population in my area is vaccinated and cases have decreased by quite a bit. I made the awful decision of redownloading my instagram last week and mentally I feel terrible. I deleted it at around February I believe so its been a few months. When I went through my feed, it's as if the pandemic was never a thing. Idk, I kept getting the impression that everyone is hanging out, partying, and travelling like normal. And I know damn well that most people weren't vaccinated in March. There is also an element of class that comes in as well. A lot of these posts that I'm talking about were coming from people who are at least upper middle class (I'm talking about partying, travelling and going to large gatherings in March, not now). I have a friend who went to a graduation party in a somewhat wealthy area a month ago where she and her family the only ones wearing masks. She mentioned how quick some people were to move on, how there is a class of people who didn't get much of the effects of the pandemic. To some people, the pandemic was simply a minor inconvenience and now it's business as usual. This is where the parallel perceptual reality comes in. Like I feel like I had a very different experience with the pandemic because of how I've been trapped inside with my not-so-healthy parents, and how we had to deal with a lot of financial issues ranging from healthcare costs to not having an income for months. And then there is my mom. I love her and her anxieties around this whole situation is valid, but she took out those anxieties on my and my dad in an unhealthy way. She went above and beyond with the precautions. The general rule was that when I come home, I have to do the laundry, wipe down everything, and take a shower before I do anything else. Every time I would try to eat something outside of the house, I would be called a Trump supporter, be accused of not taking the pandemic seriously, and basically get yelled at. I know my mom was doing a bit much. Most people just do the usual wearing a mask and washing their hands but still doing everything else like normal. But that's what was normalized in my household and I didn't exactly have a frame of reference by seeing what other people were doing in their homes because I'm so isolated from everyone. I know this might sound bad but I think this made the pandemic out to be much worse than it actually was and as a result I was psychologically impacted by this more. But yeah, it feels jarring to see everyone carry on with their lives as normal again. For me, it was like my world stopped and I was frozen in a state of trauma. I think the part from 2:40 to 3:36 where Teal talks about grief explains this well. Thankfully there is wreck-tok, basically what I call my tiktok for you page lol. There is this one tiktok that I saw that explained my situation perfectly where it's like you want to rush out there and live life normally, but it doesn't feel the same because you basically spent this entire pandemic questioning your reality, capitalism, your internal issues and a variety of social issues that are present. I'm going to link that tiktok but just incase that doesn't show up this is basically what the woman who was talking said: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMdXfj1Lu/ First, her video is a response to a comment that was along the lines of "Can't believe pple are really doing the same things they've always done after what 2021 revealed to us." To that she said: I think that whole lack of self reflection as it relates to society is not something that is present in wealthier communities since it takes a lot to shake communities like that. Really wealthy communities especially live in a bubble of their own completely detached from the experiences of middle class and lower middle class people. I remember one time in college I had someone look at me in disbelief when I told them that I couldn't afford college and the only reason why I'm here is because of financial aid and scholarships. That simply didn't make sense to this individual because everyone around her could afford college and never had to think of finances and affordability a day in their lives. And I'm pretty sure that something similar is also going to go down once I go back to school to a bunch of wealthy students who barely felt of acknowledged the pandemic. It also reminds me of how I learned in one of my sociology classes on how people don't remember history, but they only remember how history relates to history to them. Meaning they don't remember how things panned out but they remember only the details that pertain to them and their survival. A good example of this was in a study where they interviewed a bunch of elderly people who were in their teens and early twenties back in the 1950s. When asked about the 1950s, typically the white people would talk about things like Elvis and the pop culture at the time while the historical events of the time were basically a side note that was happening in the background. But if you talked to people of color about the same time period, they would talk about segregation and everything that went down. The focus was very different And I can't help but think that like 60 years into the future when people ask rich white people about 2020, they are probably going to talk about more about cute tiktok dances and talking about mask acne on the side while people who are part of marginalized communities, whether it be they are people of color, working class, LGBTQ etc, will talk more about the evictions, the lockdowns, people going without paychecks, the stimulus checks, and how our politicians tried to sacrifice citizens to the capitalist lizard overlords in the name of profit by keeping the country open for the economy instead of shutting things down for everyone's safety. Yeah... if you didn't question capitalism or at the very least system racism and how you play a part in it given the current events... I don't trust you. We are not living in the same reality. Also that tiktok reminded me of another tiktok that I saw months back about a woman who realized on how she hates her job, feels like she is a cog in the capitalist machine, how she doesn't have a meaningful life or career, and how her entire lifestyle around partying, drinking, and online shopping was a coping mechanism for her stressful and soul sucking job. Basically, she realized that she was coping with the existential dread that capitalism brings with more capitalism in the form of consumerism and the only reason why she realized this was because the world went into lock down and she had no choice but to be alone with her thoughts. And to a certain extent... I feel that.

Cringing at My Transparency Whenever I share something vulnerable or personal, it's often the case that the next day I find myself cringing and feeling embarrassed for saying anything. This is especially true when it comes to the internet. I know I'm not the only one. I have seen memes in the past (can't find them now) that were along the lines of "when you go on a rant on social media and expose your feelings and now that you're feeling better you're trying to delete and clean up the mess you made." After sharing something person (outside of a therapists office), I catch myself thinking *why did I have to expose myself like that? No one needs to know about my life like that.* I'm tempted to delete my meltdown from the last few days but idk if I'm going to do that or not. Another thing that is tangentially related is the whole "what's on the internet stays on the internet" concept. I've shared some pretty personal things on here and I always have this paranoia of someone I know stumbling on this or this coming up in a background check when I apply to jobs. I have a separate email address and everything but still. This is one of the reasons why I want to be self employed tbh. I don't want to feel like I have to be super careful on what I post and what kind of image I give off. I want to be able to authentically express myself without having things at stake. Pipe dream, I know. And that brings me to another tangent that I've been thinking of and it's basically what I call the LinkedIn effect. This probably has more to do with what kind of people I'm surrounded by but because of what I'm studying, I find myself in a crowd of people who use LinkedIn like an actual social media site and try to have a super curated online presence to show their peers and potential employers how they have their lives together. The whole thing just feels weird to me. I know they are a bit on the extreme end but still. I get having a certain degree of professionalism where you aren't racist, sexist, homophobic etc. on your social media. But sometimes it feels a bit stifling where you're expected to have a certain image 24/7. Which brings me to this journal which probably consists of everything you probably don't want with your image ranging from having an existential crisis, being vulnerable with your emotions in a public platform, sharing personal details and stories, talking shit about capitalism, and basically exposing how much of a mess you are. Idk, I'm scared of these posts coming back to haunt me either through future repercussions or me just cringing at myself 5+ years from now.

@Raphael I most definitely have repressed anger. I have tried screaming into a pillow and while that helps some, I found that talking to my friend who loves to rant about things to be more effective and more entertaining lol. For me, anger is not something that I'm used to feeling. I've been looking into the utility of anger in the last year or so and just notice when I'm angry because in the past I was so repressed to the point where I couldn't even tell when I was angry.

I really appreciate you comment. It's really reassuring. After taking a couple days to step back, I am realizing just how disorienting gaslighting and emotional invalidation can be in large amounts either all at once or over time. I also really resonate with the junk food example. I found that being around my parents for short periods of time is fine but over time it really erodes my mental health. Yeah it is a really difficult dynamic. It's like you're the one that needs help but then the conversation reorients around them and you find myself helping them instead and as a result, you never get your needs met and you're always in the position of giving but never getting. It is a recurring pattern and I think this is why sometimes I end up being the "therapist friend" and why it's so easy to help other people with their issues but never giving them the opportunity to help me. It's definitely something I'm working through. Yes this is what I'm experiencing. I know that they aren't the best people to count on emotionally, but there is this part of me (I guess my inner child) that always wants to reach out and make it work and that gives in and starts opening up when I get cornered. I guess it's just the natural notion that your parents are supposed to help you and guide you? I know it's been a couple days but I'm starting to feel better now. Thanks for checking in. It was a disorienting experience. But yeah that whole "don't stress" bit resonates. Like, emotions aren't an on an off switch. If it were that easy, we wouldn't be having this conversation now.

First of all, he is crossing a boundary and that isn’t ok. Second, when have you ever felt better by emotionally opening up to your parents? Third, you were cornered and didn’t know what else to do. This is not a healthy dynamic. When someone comes to you for help, you don’t just reorient the conversation back to yourself. That then puts the person who came for you for help in the position to help you instead of getting help themselves. And the person who needs that help never gets any support and is left feeling drained. They have every right to feel the way they do but it isn't right for them to express this right at this circumstance. You have the right to feel angry. Anger is supposed to tell you when your boundaries are getting crossed and when you aren’t getting your needs met. You have told her many times that this doesn’t make you feel good but she keeps on doing it. It’s frustrating and it makes you feel unheard. You can be angry and understand that she is doing her best and that her effort has nothing to do with you. I noticed that the more distance I get from them and the more help I do end up getting, the less I want to be around them because I start to notice just how bad they are for my quality of life. That is what I have noticed with healing. I think when it comes to my parents, they have a very different view of healing were they see healing as me being best friends with them, calling them everyday, and having a happy normal family. And they see me as wanting to be more distant as a bad thing. And I think that’s natural because what parent wants to think of themselves as the toxic ones and what parent wants to have their kid to stay away from them? The possibility of whether or not I should cut them off entirely is still something that I struggle with. When I went off to college and got some distance from them, I came to this conclusion that I can still be around them because they aren’t bad people, they just suck as parents. But I’m starting to think that maybe they do suck as people. And I don’t like to admit that. I do feel a lot of guilt around admitting this. I don’t know if they suck as people or if I have too many needs that they are just unable to meet. Sometimes I do feel like my needs are too much or too unusual because their way of comforting me doesn’t feel good. Oh no they were definitely yelling at you at this point. This is straight up gaslighting. No wonder you never feel like you’re doing enough to feel better and no wonder I have issues with celebrating myself and my wins because anything short of being 100% healed and happy isn’t enough. I do genuinely feel that my therapist is helping. Again, it goes back to the whole on what they think healing looks like versus what it actually looks like. Just because you’re being provided for physically doesn’t mean you aren’t being neglected emotionally. And you’re right, those are different categories. This man has normalized feeling miserable and normalized brushing all of his emotions under a rug because he is too afraid to actually work through him. Don’t take advice and follow examples from people who you don’t want to end up like. You don’t know their situation and you don’t know what’s best for them. You’re doing what’s best for you. And maybe what’s best for you is taking more time to rebuild a more solid foundation. And yeah it isn't healthy to ruminate, but that's not what you're doing in your case. You're literally getting proe This is what happens when you get gaslighted and emotionally invalidated for hours at once and overtime. You start to feel crazy and you don’t know what to believe any more because of how much your personal truth and what people are trying to feel you contradict. It’s disorienting because on one hand you are not grounded in your personal truth and you are told that you are crazy and that you should go along with what people are telling you but on the other hand your intuition and emotions are screaming at you telling you otherwise.

Throughout the argument and even today my parents keep trying to tell me that my situation could have been much worse. They kept telling me to be grateful for the support they are providing and how I have a roof over my head. I tried to tell my dad that even though I can trust him logistically with my doctors appointments, my medication, and materially providing for me, I have issues with trusting him with my emotions. I tried to explain that those are two different categories and even though I have trust in one, I don't have it in the other. He got really offended by that. He told me that he ought to through my out of the house and come back begging so that I learn a lesson and learn to be grateful for what he provides. And honestly, I think he's right. Imagine pouring all of your effort to ensure that your child is fine only for that child to grow up, be mentally unstable, and blame you for being emotionally unavailable and claim that they can't trust you. That would be immensely painful especially if you aren't trying to hurt that child and every effort you make to help them makes that situation worse. I understand that. I feel my parent's pain. But that makes me feel guilty about my own pain. I told them that and they said that I needed a taste of my own medicine because I didn't understand how much my words hurt them. They said that what I was saying lacked emotional awareness towards what they were feeling. They're right. I have been selfishly expressing what's on my mind without any filters. I should've filtered myself out. I'm so sorry. They have done nothing but encourage me. They always tell me to "be strong" "think positive" and "keep fighting" I know they are trying to encourage me but part of me feels very unseen and hurt. It also makes me angry because I have told them before that those phrases don't help me. I don't want to be strong, I want to open up and be vulnerable. I don't want to think positive, I want my emotions and experiences be validated. I don't want to keep fighting, I want to know peace. I'm frustrated because I tell this every time I get into a discussion again. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know why my parents aren't understanding. I don't know how I need to say to help them understand. And honestly, I think they feel the same things when they try to help me and I tell them that they are not helping. They responded with "well those things encourage us and makes us feel better, I guess you're really sensitive and you're a rare case where this doesn't work." I know they were reflecting on their experiences but I felt like there was something wrong with me for not feeling supported. My dad told me to keep fighting today again. I'm still incredibly sensitive because I haven't fully calmed down. I told him that I'm tired of fighting, that I don't want to continue on like this. I want to know the peace that the people around me have felt all their lives because they had good childhoods. When I told him that I wanted peace, my dad told me that peace and happiness doesn't exist and that everyone is miserable, it's just that people don't show it. I know that he was trying to say this because he doesn't want me to think that I'm alone in my suffering, but it made me more depressed. I told him that I've been fighting for years and that I'm tired. I told him that I fight to get better so that I can get that peace and happiness. He then told me that doesn't exist and that I need to just brush off the past, act like the argument yesterday never happened, and move on. Because the more you try to fix these issues and you try to heal, the more it will suck you in. If you feel your feelings, you will fall into a pit. And part of me thinks that's right. It isn't healthy to ruminate. But the part where I get confused is, to what extent is me getting help rumination? To be fair, healing and self help feels like a never ending goal. I put a lot of things to the side in the name of healing and my mental health. I have made my growth my top priority and put school, friends, and a potential romantic life to the side in order to build a solid foundation. My peers didn't do that. They took whatever foundation they had, ignored it/brushed it off, and kept building. And now the people around me are getting good jobs, have amazing relationship, and are getting into good school. Meanwhile I'm stuck here. I wonder when it's going to be my turn to be happy, achieve things, and have actual milestones in my life or if I'm ever going to get to that point. I don't know where my life is headed or if it's even going anywhere. I wonder if I have anything to look forward to. And sometimes I wonder if it's worth waiting around to find out. I'm so scared. I'm so scared for the uncertainty. Sometimes I wonder if this is all that my life is, a constant cycle of getting traumatized, healing, and then getting dragged into something else. I don't want to live like this. But I'm told that this is the only way to live life and that my desire to be vulnerable and have somewhere soft to land is too idealistic. This can't be all there is. And I feel selfish for wanting it to be otherwise. Why can't I accept this harsh truth about reality? Why am I this weak? I don't know what to believe any more. My emotions feel like lies. But at the same time what my parent's are saying doesn't make the most sense either. But then again they do have some points. But then again, there is a lot of gaslighting. But what if I'm just thinking that this is gaslighting because I'm offended by what they are saying because they are actually calling me out on my toxic behavior? They are my parents and they are trying to discipline me. I haven't been communicating in a calm way. I was shaking and crying for gods sake. I'm pretty sure that' s misbehavior in their eyes. After all, I wouldn't want someone to yell at me, cry, and blame me for their bad life. I'm starting to think I'm the toxic one for not having composure. I shouldn't expect people to help me, my emotions are my own business. But maybe this thinking pattern is the gaslighting in progress. I really don't know anymore. I don't know what's real and what's fake. I don't know if I'm doing this for attention. I don't know whether or not I'm the toxic one. After all I do have self bias right? My self bias wants to think that I'm the good guy. Or is this my higher self. I don't know. Nothing makes sense. I don't know. I know my last couple posts have been a lot but I thought I'd write all of this out while I remember everything and then reflect on it later. My mind feels like a jumbled mess right now and I can't tell right from wrong or real from fake. I can't tell if I'm being manipulated or if I'm the manipulator. I don't know what's happening anymore. I know some people have replied and trust me I'm getting to that. I have read them and I have somethings I want to say a little later. I'm not ignoring everyone, I just need a moment.

I have been feeling really depressed and been having suicidal thoughts for the last week or so. I was going to get some food and my dad asked me what was wrong. I told him that I've been feeling pretty down and then he began to interrogate me about it even though I told him I don't feel comfortable talking. He kept asking me what is wrong and you need to talk about it with me in order to feel better. I betrayed my own instincts and told him what was going on because he wouldn't stop. I hate myself for that. Then the yelling began. I tried to explain what I was going through. I told him that I felt scared, worthless, and that I feel like I'm wasting my life. He told me that my mindset was wrong and that I shouldn't feel that way. He then went on to say "don't you know how it makes me feel to see you like this? why would you do this to me? Why can't you be positive like I've been telling you." I get telling someone something along the lines of "hey it hurts me to see you like this" and I know that's probably what he meant, but maybe I'm too sensitive and I'm taking it the worst way possible. I don't know anymore. Then he starts talking about an experience he had in my age because it parallels what I'm going through. I know he is doing this to find common ground but I felt worse after it. I'm nitpicking but it felt like there was no empathy there. I felt compelled to comfort him instead but I didn't because I felt awful in the moment. I feel so selfish for not helping him. I feel selfish for wanting this conversation to be about me and the emotions I'm dealing with. Then my mom jumped in. It was the usual "be positive, be strong." That's all she knows how to say to those things. I feel so angry when she says that because it feels so empty but I don't even feel like I have the right to feel angry because I know she's doing the best that she can do. Then she and my dad goes on to say that my biggest flaw is that I don't open up to them and that I tried to cut contact when I went off to college. I know it hurts them to know that I have trouble opening up to them and that I don't call them as often as my friends call their parents. They started talking about "well xyz calls their parents every day why can't you call us ever day like a normal person? It's not like we're a toxic and broken family." Then they went on to say that what ever negative feelings I'm feeling has nothing to do with them at the present moment. To be fair, it's not like they ever shamed me for staying home instead of going to school nor did they shame me for my health issues. Things could be worse. I don't have the right to complain or feel bad. They are right in that regard. But I still felt hurt in this interaction. They accused me for bringing up the past when they were harsh towards me growing up. They were like "why can't you just move on and look forward we already said sorry. We're not hurting you now. It's in your head." I felt like I was getting yelled at but to be fair they were probably saying this in a normal voice but I was in a heightened emotional state. I was balling at this point. I told them "i'm sorry I'm having issues with trusting. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to heal. I'm doing the best I can. I'm in therapy, I'm taking my medication, I'm taking care of my health, etc." Then they said that's not enough. You're not doing enough. You need to heal faster if you ever want to get out of this. You need to stop whatever you're doing and open up to us because you can't deal with this alone nor with a therapist. The therapist isn't helping and you aren't capable of helping yourself. They are right. I can't do it myself. Look at me, I'm a wreck writing on the internet typing out long ass posts trying to make sense of all of this I told them this "i can't do this myself, I want help. But I'm so scared of opening up to you guys. I don't feel like I get the support I need." Then they said "well we are supporting you, we are there for you. You just keep bringing up the past so you can't let us in. We are helping you but you don't want to take that help." To be fair they are helping me and honestly, I feel so guilty and so defective for not receiving this help as help. I feel more wounded and hurt after their help. They are helping me but my stupid ass is too sensitive and looks into things too much and twists their words. Why can't I go along with what I know they mean? I'm smart enough to psychoanalyze what they are trying to say and act accordingly. Why do I have to go along with what they say? They began to go on this entire thing on how whenever I try to do something on my own, I take forever to fix an issue and instead I need the help of two other people. I want to believe that but I notice that whenever I ask for help from my parents, I always end up in some type of anxiety induced physical pain. Somewhere in the middle of this conversation, I found myself in the fetal position having an anxiety attack. I heard my mother say under her breath "she's hopeless god I wish I was dead." I told them "please leave the room, I need to calm down." They did that and I was left alone to calm myself down. I hate myself for being so dramatic. They're doing their best but my body is reacting this way? Why? I shouldn't be feeling this way. They are helping. I should feel helped. I eventually calm myself down but my right arm won't stop shaking. I ask my mother for help. I tell her that I'm feeling a little better but please I want my arm to stop shaking. She grabs my arm and holds it straight. It's still shaking. She says "why are you still shaking, sit still." I tell her "I don't know how to stop, please help me." She tells me to sit still and call god. Nothing is helping. She then said "I can't help you, you have to do it yourself." I told her that I know that she isn't responsible for my emotions. I then said "please help me cope, please do something to comfort me. I can't do this myself. please making the shaking stop." She yelled at me and said THEN STOP SHAKING. She held my shaking arm straight for about 39 minutes. I know she's helping but I felt so degraded after this interaction. Then I remembered that I have medication for specifically this. I took the medication and I lied down. The shaking eventually stopped. I lied in bed for the rest of the day. I felt anxious and incapable of doing much else. I also lost my appetite. My mom kept telling me that there is something wrong with my gut. I told her that when I get anxious, I lose my appetite. She won't listen. She kept telling me to go to the doctor and get that checked because there is something wrong with me and that I'm using my anxiety as a way to not get help. The conversation kept going on an on with like this for an hour until I finally gave in and said that I'll go to the doctor. It's easier to admit that I'm wrong and agree with her. I'm not done typing this out yet but I feel emotionally overwhelmed so I'll write about this later.

I cant take the emotional invalidation, the gaslighting, the yelling, the commanding, and the name calling anymore. I dont even know if I'm perceiving this stuff right. I'm going insane. I dont know if what I'm feeling is real or if there is something horribly wrong with me. I hate how the help I'm getting is hurting me because it makes me feel like I'm the defective one for not getting healed. My head is jumbled and I can't make sense of anything. I dont know right from wrong and i dont know truth from falsehood. All i know is that i want to stop feeling this way.

Yeah, a lack of integrity isn't a good sign of something lasting in the long run. I mean there isn't anything wrong with being an introvert and exploring different sides of yourself because your significant other brings out those sides of you. But I do think it can be a problem when he doesn't like something that is so you. Like he shouldn't feel that being shy/quiet is a bad thing if it's coming from a healthy and authentic place for you. I don't think that compatibility is the case. I think you're just out of his league.

I think that what is considered cheating has more to do with consent rather than the action itself. If you're in a fwb relationship, both parties are consenting that there isn't any relationship and that either party can have sex with other people if they wish to do so, so in that case it isn't cheating. If someone is an open relationship or in a polyamorous relationship, you wouldn't say that everyone is cheating on each other. I think it's important to have a conversation with your partner on what is fine and what actually hurts you in order to draw the line and keep communication clear. Like someone might think flirting with someone as not a big deal but their partner might have different boundaries. Wait so you cheat on other women but you expect women to be with you exclusively? Isn't that hypocritical?