soos_mite_ah

LMAOOOO There is the crassness but on top of that I feel like there aren't that many constructive discussions that happen around sexuality in general. I feel like I have better conversations about all of this irl or on other social media platforms. There is just a lot of bullshit to weed through around here.

Time Travel Things After writing the previous post, I suddenly unlocked this memory from my childhood. I completely forgot about this show but I remember this was my shit growing up. I would get so excited when this was on TV on Saturday mornings. Basically, you have these three kids. One of them has an uncle who gives them this magic book that lets them travel through time and basically they use the book to have a bunch of these adventures where they learn about historical figures. I found a whole playlist on YouTube with all of the episodes. I rewatched a couple for old times sake and even though it's a little corny, I still enjoyed it. I mentioned Meet The Robinsons in my last post. I swear this was the movie that always played in my school because there was always that one kid that would recommend this when everyone else was indecisive. I probably watched this movie at least once a year every year from when it came out to like 2011. I remember being sick of this movie as a kid. But now it just gives me nostalgia. I remember one time I told my dad about how much I liked the whole time travel trope and he introduced me to the Back to the Future Trilogy. I still think the way the doors open upward in the DeLorean is really cool. I wish there were more cars like that but in different models because other than the cool door thing, the car wasn't all that. I also found it really interesting on how people in the 80s envisioned what 2015 would look like. I remember when New Years rolled around and it was 2015, I immediately just thought that this was the year when Marty goes to the future and fucks shit up. There was also the Twilight Zone. It was on every now and then on this one channel that had all of the old TV shows on there. Tbh I don't remember much of the show but I do remember enjoying it, feeling creeped out, and feeling like my mind was fucked every time I watched an episode. I also enjoyed the other shows that were on there and I found it interesting on seeing what things were like back then. I wrote about this a while back. And then there is my grandmother. She was born in 1918 in what is now Bangladesh. She was alive when the British were in India (pre-1947), when Partition happened (1947), when Bangladesh was a part of Pakistan(1947-1971), and then when Bangladesh got it's independence and became it's own country (1971). During that time she could have had a British Indian passport, she did have a Pakistani passport, and a Bangladeshi passport without moving anywhere. And then later on in her life she immigrated to the U.S. I can't say that I was super close to her but growing up every now and then I would catch myself marveling about the amount of shit and the amount of change she saw in her life. Technologically, it's interesting but again, the social aspect is more interesting to me which I wrote about in the post I linked above. I guess the main disheartening thing about the topic of time travel is that I'm a brown woman who is not quite straight. Every now and then I would get asked *what time period do you want to travel back to* and it's always awkward because ummm... basic human rights...... And it's always a white man who asks this question. I guess if I could go to any time period, I'd try to go to the future but then again, given how things are going, I don't even know if I would like what I would see lol. But I still stand by the answer because even if the future isn't pretty, I would still get that wtf factor and I think that would still be interesting.

The Place for the Female Gaze on this Forum There is this sense of isolation that I feel here. I think I always felt it but I'm starting to notice it more and be more mindful of it as I've been writing in this journal. I know damn well that women aren't really on this forum and that a lot of things, especially things that relate to dating and sexuality, are largely filtered through the male gaze. I feel like as I've been delving into the ways that I view sex and sexuality as a whole, the contrast between the male gaze and the female gaze feels more and more clear. In a way, I feel like I'm moving more into the construct aware stage where you start to really notice how much language and the paradigms you think with (or hell even the way movies are shot) influences your reality internally and externally. Because when it comes to the topic of female sexuality and what is considered sexy according to the eyes of the average man and the average woman, you can tell a lot about a person's attitudes towards women implicitly or explicitly when you listen to them describe what aspect exactly they find attractive and how they choose to describe it. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before but straight men describing a hot girl and lesbian/bisexual woman describing a hot girl (or hell how straight women describe hot girls even though they aren't attracted to them sexually) feel like completely different energies. Or even how the way men describe women they find attractive vs how the way women describe men who they find attractive feel like different energies. I'm probably going to get into that later in a different post that I have planned since I feel like I'm straying from the topic. But yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm journaling about my thoughts and experiences in the wrong place with the wrong audience. And I've noticed that as I've been becoming more aware of the difference between the male and female gaze through journaling and mindfulness, and the more the differences become more stark, the more uncomfortable going into the dating section of this forum feels. The dating section of this forum always made me uncomfortable for a variety of reasons to where I try to ignore it when I can. But after journaling on here, this feels like another level. I've also been taking more of a break from this forum and talking to other people in my life, both men and women, and I feel there is this clash between my direct experience with what people talk about on here. And tbh, this uncomfy feeling sometimes makes me hesitant to write out my thoughts here because I get an impression that people probably think I'm incredibly deluded and deceived when it comes to articulating my own desires. I don't think it's to the point where I get a sense of anxiety or that I'm afraid of what other people will say (like I'm pretty sure I'm not THAT important on this forum for the weirdos to target lol). But in a way, I feel like whenever this journal has a new post and goes up to the top of the "Self-Actualization Journals" section, there is a collective eyeroll. Again, I highly doubt the guys who would actually be triggered with my content would even have the patience to read my long posts and therefore I'm probably having an inflated sense of self in a way (like hey, you're not special, no one cares and no one is looking your way, you're good lol. Do what ever you want nothing matters.). But I guess there is this form of intimidation that comes with offering an alternative view that goes against the grain when you aren't even trying. And because I'm not trying to push anything and a lot of the stuff I'm saying is coming from an authentic exploration of my own desires and views, there is an even greater sense of vulnerability at play. I guess what this journal hits at more is how it reveals on how I sometimes feel out of place as a woman on this forum especially when I try to explain my views around dating and relationships. And while that can feel intimidating, articulating my point of view also feels rather empowering. I feel like I'm carving out more of a space for women to do the same on here even if that means being able to relate to something that I wrote or rethinking something.

Thoughts on No Fap It's October 2019. I can't sleep so I decided to go on YouTube. The algorithm had me come across this guy who does these parodies of people who do the absolute most when it comes to self help. I watched a few of his videos because I thought it was entertaining (tbh, that isn't much of a feat because it was 3 am in the morning, I'm bored, I'm high on life, and I will laugh at anything during crack head hours). After watching a few of his videos, the algorithm started recommending me videos from I guess other chunk of content this guy makes on his channel. And next thing I know, I'm watching a bunch of videos with this guy who is telling me how I shouldn't bust a nut lmao. Tbh, I caught myself binging some of his videos because it had that wtf factor and it was very contradictory view on my personal opinions. I thought *hey why not be a little open minded and explore contradictory opinions because maybe I'll learn something. And you know what, even if I don't learn anything, the wtf factor will make things funny and entertaining.* Me watching NoFap videos: And then I forgot about all of this until I came across people talking about NoFap on this forum. I guess the basic impression I get from NoFap is that a lot of it often is linked to guys having an unhealthy and even addictive relationship with porn. Consequently, not jacking off is seen as a solution and people try to not jack off for long periods of time to achieve some type of desired end result. Some people do it to get over their addiction while others claim that NoFap helps them be more creative and preserve energy. The first I get. The second, I'll admit I'm rather skeptical of. I feel like a lot of it has to do with placebo tbh. My hunch is that dealing with addictive behaviors linked to masturbation such as issues with porn along with avoiding masturbation because you use it as some type of coping mechanism to avoid dealing with other issues with your life are the things that are actually helping these men. Because if you take away the coping mechanism and actually address what's happening, that's when the improvements come about. Personally, I tried this. It wasn't really hard tbh and I didn't get much of a benefit from it. My guess is that I didn't get results because I never used masturbation as a coping mechanism to avoid my problems and because I never had an addictive relationship to porn. The reason why NoFap felt contradictory to my opinion around masturbation is because prior to finding this guy, I had this experiment with myself. One night I was basically like *what would happen if I jacked off every night for 30 days.* It wasn't anything super serious. It just came from a place of lighthearted curiosity. Basically after that, I noticed that I handled stress better and it was easier to fall asleep (apparently there is a hormonal explanation for this). I also felt that I had a better relationship with my body. This manifested in both me figuring out what I physically liked technique wise as well as seeing my body as desirable, not for anyone else but for me and for me only. My body is desirable to me not because of the way it looks or what I can do with it, but because it's mine and mine only. This experiment helped get rid of shame that I had around my body and my sexuality that I didn't know I even had at the time. I think for women, sex, especially masturbation, is seen as dirty and sinful. I feel that it is still something that is still taboo to talk about. I think most people are ok with guys jacking off but when it comes to women, there are people who get all triggered about it. I feel that a lot of it has to do with how women's pleasure isn't prioritized during sex, even in the topic of self pleasure. It goes back to this whole attitude of how sex is something that done to women rather than with women which is a whole nother post by itself. I think when it comes to emotions like shame, it's one of those things that can subconsciously bleed into other areas of your life. But on the flipside, resolving shame can also cause beneficial things to bleed into other areas of your life. Because society as a whole tends to have shame wrapped around female sexual energy, that also bleeds into having shame around female energy as a whole. And unpacking some of that shame, even if it mainly pertained to my sexuality and my body, it still improved my relationship to my over all energy and sense of confidence as well as assertiveness as a whole. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it wasn't necessarily the masturbation that caused this sense of confidence and assertiveness rather it was me doing the work to unpack the shame and build a healthy sexual relationship with myself. Busting a nut, as nice as it might feel, is something I see as spiritual and magical lol. But it still is a part of my whole self care routine. Interesting enough, this sense of confidence and assertiveness is something that a lot of NoFap people talk about when they talk about the benefits of their practice. I don't think that this sense of confidence and assertiveness is necessarily attributed to NoFap itself rather it's about finding ways to have a better sexual relationship with yourself. When it comes to cultivating that healthier relationship, a lot of it depends on what's making that relationship unhealthy in the first place and what your particular situation is like. Solutions to problems tend to be as unique as the problem is itself. Overall I feel that for some people, NoFap can be beneficial but for other people it can miss the mark in dealing with the actual problem or worse lead to a form of repression.

Thank you

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Winter Winter When I think of the winter months, I don't really think of the cold (because I live in a place that usually doesn't really get cold), rather I think of the coziness that surrounds the holidays. If there is one word that would sum up this side of my sexuality, I would say that it is coziness. It's the side that is more so rooted in self care. I also feel like during the winter months that I tend to become more self focused especially around New Years where I focus on self care, self improvement, and getting to know myself more. Even though the other sides also have an emphasis on sensuality, I would say that sensuality is even more emphasized in Winter because of the way that it fuses with self care. Winter likes candles, lotion, massages, hot showers, bubble baths and self pleasure. I feel like ever since I got an idea of what I liked physically, masturbation basically became part of my self care routine at night. I wash my face, moisturize my skin, bust a nut and then go to sleep lmao. I would describe Winter as self focused/ self loving, sensual, relaxed, and grounded. Aesthetically speaking, while I would say that the other sides have a more cohesive aesthetic fashion wise, Winter is more focused on how something physically feels and is projecting internally rather than what it looks like and what kind of energy it's projecting out. I feel like Winter as an aesthetic can range from cuddling with someone in comfy clothes and fuzzy socks and feeling the warmth to sleeping naked by yourself at night simply because it feels nice. I think the way Winter comes out is mainly through my love language. Basically for those who aren't familiar with the 5 Love Languages, they are basically ways people tend to communicate and receive love and the ways they feel the most cared for. The 5 love languages are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. While the 5 love languages are usually discussed in the context of a relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship, parent/child relationships, or even friendships, they can also be applied to self care. For me, my prominent love languages are physical touch and quality time. And I feel that I use my sexuality for myself to meet both aspects because this is me being present with myself and spending quality time with myself as well as obviously appealing to my five senses through touch. Some music that I associate with this side of my sexuality are really anything that is in a language I don't speak. The reason why I specify languages that I don't speak is because I feel like when you don't understand the lyrics, you're more likely to pay attention to the sound and the voice and the syllables in the lyrics basically becomes part of the melody. I feel that because I don't mentally understand what's going on, I'm forced to be more intuitive and go with the over all vibe the music is painting. It's as if it causes me to be more physically present by calling more attention towards my senses right here and now rather than analyzing what's happening in the song lyrically (I already tend to be hyper analytic and in my head, and sometimes I just need a break lol). The first song is one of my favorites. I love things that are slowed and adding in the rain just makes the whole thing so perfect.

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Fall Fall I feel like Fall is basically an extension of my prolonged emo phase lol. I also feel like I tap into it when it's actually fall and winter because my wardrobe during that time of the year usually has darker colors. This side of my sexuality really has me feeling like the big titty goth girl friend meme lmao. Other than that, if I were to describe Fall, I would describe her as openminded, assertive, fearless, and intimidating. I would say that this side of my sexuality switches between overtness and subtlety, kind of like the Dua Lipa / St Vincent performance I linked in the previous page of this journal. While Spring has a soft form of femininity and Summer has a bold form of femininity, I would say instead of femininity, Fall has a more masculine tendency. Summer also has this sense of dominance that comes from a very bold and feminine way but I would say Fall's dominance comes in a dominance that is rooted in a quiet sense of confidence. Again, there is this overt subtlety. There is also this sense of mysteriousness that is wrapped up in all of this. Part of the way this subtlety and mysteriousness I believe shows up in my aesthetic when I embrace this part of myself is that I tend to dress more conservatively in the sense I'm more covered up (again, it's fall, it's getting colder). I think the masculine vibe comes through with the sharp angles and the way it fits my body more. I feel like I embraced this side of my style and my sexuality more when I was a teenager. I'm not super into this aesthetic now because I dressed like this for such a long time to where when I wear black, it just feels stale lol because I feel my old energy. But even though I feel like I'm in a different energy, I still feel that I exude this sense of control and intimidation around people. Again, there is this sense of assertiveness and the fact that I'm pretty firm in my boundaries, and I have been told that I come off as the type of person that has their shit together (even when I really don't). I don't see this sense of intimidation a bad thing because what I've noticed is that usually the people that are intimidated by me, they're usually not the type of people I want to deal with in the first place. I think it aids in the vetting process and also protects me as well. I wouldn't say that Fall is emotionally closed off or on edge around emotional connection. Like Spring, there is this sense of wanting to emotionally connect and delve into intimacy and vulnerability more. It just manifests in a different way. It's less soft and more intense. I just think always being submissive would get really boring. I think I would like a nice mix in the way I express myself. I would also add that this energy doesn't really align along the lines of "hot witch girlfriend" but it's more along the lines of the scary put together person that dress mainly in dark colors and that you are afraid to cross in the workplace because you're afraid that she will bite your head off. But also there is a part of you that wouldn't mind having your head bitten off. As for music, even though I don't listen to St. Vincent like that, I think the energy she puts out is a really good embodiment of how I feel inside.

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Summer Summer: I would describe this side of my sexuality as bold, energetic, more experimental, and rather overt. Summer is also more over the top and has this exaggerated sense of femininity. If it was an aesthetic, it would very much be something like drag where people take features that are associated with femininity and take it more towards the extreme for artistic and stylistic purposes. Summer is here for a fun, and adventurous time. Like Spring, there is an essence of light heartedness but unlike Spring, it doesn't have the wholesomeness attached to it rather it is more rooted in spontaneity. I would say that out of all of the sides I'm going to be talking about, this is probably the side that I'm least connected with at this time. I would say I see this form of sexuality be represented in pop culture, particularly in music, more but for me, rather than embodying it at this time, I tend to admire from afar. Aesthetically, I always liked the whole baddie aesthetic. I love the bold colors, the fancy makeup, the ridiculously long nails, the hair, everything. I find the whole thing to be really artistic, expressive, and unapologetic. I especially like really long acrylic nails. However, I tried to get the once and even though I loved the way they looked, I simply couldn't function. Which gave me an even greater appreciation for them tbh because the women who can function with really long fake nails, they're on another level. Even though I'm not a party person and often times I feel kind of out of place in parties because I tend to gravitate towards smaller get togethers, one on one time, and solitude as an ideal way to spend my time, when I'm at a party, it better be lit. In my opinion, it isn't a party without dancing at least 5 people shaking their ass. Ok this is a tangent but once I went to a frat party in my predominantly white school and THERE WERE NO ONE DANCING AT THE PARTY. All I saw were a bunch of white people jump up and down to Eye Of The Tiger. I didn't see anyone twerk or even attempt to do so. Listen... I can appreciate all types of music. But if you put on 80s music or my emo playlist from middle school and high school or you play Summer Time Sadness, as much as I like LDR, I'm walking out. There is a time and place for that and this is neither the time or the place. If I'm at party yall better play some City Girls or at the very least some EDM. But anyway... although I'm not super connected to this side of my sexuality, I know it's there. I have this playlist that I call "Songs that make me feel like I can twerk." This playlist makes me feel like a bad bitch. I feel confident. I feel comfortable in my body. I am having fun. And I at times I convince myself into thinking that I can throw it back or dance only to be reminded by a passing mirror that I look like Tina from Bob's Burgers. Whenever I try to twerk, there is no ass shaking. It's all back. Twerking is a life skill I have yet to master lmao. And honestly, when I'm listening to this playlist and I come to this realization, I can't even be upset because I can laugh it off and continue to have fun. Granted I do all of this at 3 am in the morning in my room alone when I can't sleep so there is that. I'm pretty sure I'd be mortified if someone I wasn't comfortable with saw me dancing like an absolute crack head. I feel like Megan thee Stallion unlocks a different side to my sexuality. I feel so hyped up when I listen to her music.

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Spring One of the ways that I like to see sexuality is seeing it as a person's sexual personality. It's the over all energy they bring to a sexual situation imo. And even if you don't express it towards anyone or thing, often times you still give off that energy and in some ways you can still connect with it through self expression. Since I'm not the best at articulating specific vibes, I decided to make a few pinterest boards and music to capture the mood. Pictures speak a thousand words so I wont have to. Spring: I would characterize this side to my sexuality has more wholesome, concerned with emotional intimacy when it comes to sex, as well as physically and emotionally sensitive. There is a softer, and more traditional form of femininity at play here as well as this sense of submissiveness. There is also a lot of vulnerability. Recently, I feel like I have been more in touch with this side of myself romantically and sexually. I don't think that's going to be forever. There are seasons to this as I have observed in myself. I think I'm currently at a phase of my life where I do need a great deal of trust and emotional intimacy to be able to open up sexually. I don't think casual sex of a friends with benefits situation would be the healthiest for me. As for submissiveness, I'm pretty sure it comes from a way of coping with inexperience lol. I think I'm just submissive because I don't know what I'm doing..... yet. But I still think that even after I become more experienced and as a result, more confident with this part of myself, I still think Spring would still be a part of my sexuality. To me, this energy isn't so much centered around being doe eyed and naïve rather it is more along the lines of ethereal and refreshing. I don't think I really give off that doe eyed, naive, girlish energy because of other aspects of my personality as well as my sexuality. I feel most connected to this side of myself when I listen to Lana Del Rey's music. Also, I found a channel that makes instrumental versions of her songs and I swear, the instrumentals just hit different. In addition to music, I really like experimenting with my looks. Right now, I'm really drawn to this particular aesthetic. I'm just in a phase where I feel the sexiest, the most beautiful, the most confident, and the most myself in lighter color palettes and florals.

Memories that Haunt Me Ok so there is this memory from when I was 9 that has been haunting me since 2016 or so. It was January 2009. Obama just got elected president. I'm chillin in the 3rd grade and we were doing the unit on slavery, Jim Crowe, and segregation in history class. My teacher rolls out the TV on one of those rolly stand things, sits the entire class down, and had us watch the entire inauguration. Again, I was 9. I knew the bare bones basics of racism and didn't get the whole systemic aspect of it as much. I remember thinking *huh interesting, I'm alive to see the first black president. It really wasn't that long ago since segregation was a thing. That's so crazy for people who were alive back then to be able to see this now.* I also started thinking about other historical events we discussed in school ranging from wars, inventions, little fun facts, things of that nature. After the inauguration, we basically had a discussion as a class. I remember saying this. "I wonder what other historical events I'm going to live through in my life." And I remember exactly the feeling that was going through me. It was this feeling of anticipation and excitement. Part of the issue with history I remember encountering at that age was that all of the grand stories happened before I was born. As a result, I remember feeling this detachment from the reality of those events whether it was super positive like the first airplane being built or super chaotic like the Civil War. That disconnect kind of made history boring and unrelatable. Plus in hindsight, I was a literal child. There was only so much that I could empathize with and there was only so much the adults would tell us because when you're teaching history to kids, you don't want to leave things out but you want to present them in a way that it's age appropriate so you don't end up scarring them since young children can only process so much. At the end of the day, I came back from school and I turned on the TV as usual to watch cartoons. I flipped it to PBS Kids because I wanted to watch Arthur. And there was Obama. I flipped through all of the other channels whether they be kids channels or not and everyone was talking about Obama. Not gonna lie, I remember feeling slightly annoyed. Like, again, I'm just trying to watch Arthur. I also remember thinking *you know I get that this is important, but damn, guess it's REALLY important.* I was at the age where I saw politics as an old person thing and the thing that we would try to get the parents talking about right before we were about to leave our friend's house so that they would get into a discussion and we would have extra time to play. The next day I go to school and I start talking to some of the kids in my class and they also had the same experiences with trying to watch TV and just encountering Obama everywhere they looked. I just remember one kid saying "It's like wherever you look THERE HE IS ~~***OBAMA***~~. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE OBAMA." And then we kind of tried to brain storm what other significant historic events we would go through because we were in this mood of THIS IS SO EXCITING I'M ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING A HISTORIC EVENT IN REAL TIME THAT I'M GOING TO REMEMBER WHEN I GROW UP!!!! HISTORY IS SO COOL!!!! Some of the things we came up with were wars, bombs, protests, zombie apocalypse, flying cars, aliens, or really any invention we saw in the Meet the Robinsons. Oh yeah, we also thought of the world ending in 2012 and the natural disasters that would happen because that was something that was on TV every now and then. We were basically trying to come up with the most dramatic thing we could think of that we would all be affected by. I also remember watching the news every now and then with my parents. Things that would come up over and over included the swine flu, the economy being a mess, old people arguing about health care, and some conflict that was happening in the Middle East. And as a child, I didn't know what was happening for the most part. It all felt like background noise to a certain extent because of my lack of awareness as a kid. But every now and then I would look at this background noise. I still didn't get it but I would think.... whatever is all on the news today is going to be what my kids are going to have to learn in school in the future. Anyway, so fast forward to November 2016. I was 17 years old. Trump got elected. I didn't even check the news that morning because I was running late. I went to sleep the night before thinking *ya know, my girl Hillary got it in the bag. Everything will return back to normal. This will all be a funny memory." I get to the bus and the whole mood was really gloomy. I'm not even trying to make this up but it was actually cloudy and rainy outside as well. There were some people angry, some in shock, some depressed. Basically people were going through the stages of grief. And I remember thinking.... oh no... I'm living through a historical event... oh no.... 2016 was a chaotic year and given Trump was now president, the circus wasn't about to leave town anytime soon. I just knew that a domino effect will happen and I will have to deal with a string of historical events because we have an unhinged mad man in the office. It honestly felt like I entered into a different time line... because honestly WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Seriously. I remember people would joke about how Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning an Oscar threw off the time line and that resulted in opening this Pandora's box of chaos which turned into 2016. Then my mind immediately went to that memory from the 3rd grade and all I thought was how I wanted to get off that ride. I started getting why adults just wanted a peaceful uneventful life. And 17 year old me really thought that was going to be worst of it. All I can say to her is this: At this point, I'm living through a plague. The ocean was on fire. The billionaire are having a space race. There is a labor shortage. All types of shit is happening. And if I hear the word *unprecedented* one more god damn time I'm going to lose it. The main thing I can think of now is going up to that 9 year old kid and saying "you're going to have to deal with more historical events than you can think of and it will be exciting all right." But I'm not going to say it with enthusiasm. I'm going to make sure the kid can hear the exhaustion in my voice and see it as a warning lol. However, knowing how I was like back then, that kid will ask me if I turned into one of those adults who are tired all the time and if so why I'm like that. To that I would answer that this is what happens when you go through too many historical events at once. And tbh, that kid would probably think that's interesting and would want to continue talking but I would have to tell that kid on how time travel works and how I can't tell her too much. She would understand that. I remember growing up I had this interest with time travel and I would watch Back to the Future over and over again. So basically, I knew how this shit worked as a kid and the whole deal with alternate time lines lol. To my 17 year old self, I would just tell her that things are going to be really weird for a really long time. Like, you can't even imagine how weird it's going to get. And I know she'll start panicking and getting triggered to which I will reassure her with memes and try to make this thing in a funny situation because that's how she coped with things. I would also reassure her by telling her that Trump will be a 1 term president. Then I would bounce the moment she starts asking about how my life is going now.

I'm just venting and I really need to get this off of my chest. I find myself getting really quiet and shutting myself out when I feel like I don't have much in common. I don't necessarily feel anxious but I feel like I can't relate and as a result I have nothing to say and then consequently I don't really act like myself. These interactions also feel super forced. I also feel like these interactions feel super awkward and in a weird way it makes me feel like I don't have a personality or interests. I know I'm probably internalizing the fact that I don't click with everyone as some type of personal failure like that must mean that there is something defective about me (not interesting enough, not charismatic enough, lacking in social skills etc.) Also, it feels like forever since I have clicked with someone based on a common interest. I know it isn't my fault because I've been locked in the house for over a year but even though I'm normally really comfortable with being alone, lately it just feels really isolating. I genuinely crave relating people on an in person basis and sometimes I feel like I'm never going to find people I click with or find my tribe/niche. And on top of wanting to relate to people, I really just want to feel like myself again when it comes to social situations because I know that when I'm around people that I have things in common with, I'm much more open, much more out there, and just much more like the best version of myself for a lack of a better way of putting it. Is this normal? Is it normal to not feel like you can be yourself and open up unless you feel like you have things in common with people?

The Lolita Resurgence OH NO OH NO NOT THIS THING AGAIN I THOUGHT WE WERE PASSED THIS TREND I THOUGHT WE ALREADY LAID THIS SHIT TO REST YEARS AGO I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS OH HELL NO NOPE WHY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ok, internal screaming aside, I did actually like the analysis on this video anyway.... I'm going to tackle the whole lolita thing later Found something else that I want to discuss first.

Ok I found the thread I was looking for. I especially appreciate flowboy's, Etherial Cat's and aurum's comments/input.

Just a Tiny Rant I don't know why but the phrases "stimulate her emotions" or "spike her emotions" feels really weird and off to me. I see it be thrown around in the dating section. LIKE SIR do you just mean connect with her as a person, have a baseline of chemistry, and have a personality? That feels like the bare minimum. And if the chemistry or connection isn't there or yall's personality doesn't mesh for what ever reason, that isn't anyone's fault. It's just incompatibility tbh. No one is doing anything wrong (unless it's the case where someone feels emotionally uncomfortable to where they feel unsafe in a way, that's different). Happens on the platonic, romantic, and sexual level all the time. Nothing personal. Also, if I remember correctly, someone did talk about how looking at relationships solely through the lens of survival rather than love, intimacy, and connection can be detrimental and can cause misanthropic / misogynistic tendencies on this forum. That really resonated with me. I get that technically everything is survival and that isn't a bad thing but sometimes I feel that when people use the term survival, they use it as a short hand to lump everything together as "petty human shit." And because everything is lumped together, there isn't much nuance and there is a tendency for false equivalency where people lump together emotional intimacy and wanting big titties into the same blob of category that is survival. There is this trivialization that is in play. The way it's used is that it down plays the very human need for emotional connection and sees it as this "feminine thing" while justifying objectivation by not going into how harmful it is at the same time. I don't know if I'm articulating this well. Idk, I have a hard time believing that it's a masculine/man thing to not care about emotional connection and intimacy and that men and women are at odds at this. That attitude also reeks of the "boys will be boys", "men are from Mars, women are from Venus", "men and women are fundamentally different" vibes. I get that emotional connection is seen as feminine because of the way vulnerability is stigmatized for men, but it just feels wrong to gender a human need. (I know that masculinity and femininity are gender neutral but they do have heavy connotations with each gender).

My mouth feels bored. I want to wrap my lips around something and/or have my tongue played with. I have a variety of things in mind.

I felt like taking this post that I made in one of my other journals and include it here. I just started thinking of this specific post after making the post on being conventionally attractive as well as what I personally find attractive.

@Alfonsoo I mean my recommendations are skewed towards my own tastes but personally I like anime, watching commentary youtube videos, astrology and tarot readings, listening to music, and looking at a shit ton of memes. Tbh, I'm not much of a fiction person. I'm just listing out things that I find entertaining and that I find value even though there isn't a direct link between it and self development. Honestly, I don't think it would be helpful for me to give specific recommendations. I think it's better to allow yourself to go towards what you feel drawn towards and let yourself explore from there. I liked the perspective on these videos a lot.

That number sounds incredibly high. I think it's skewed because even though women are affectionate with one another whether that is emotionally connecting to one another, feeling comfortable with physical touch like hugging and cuddling, or hyping each other up by complimenting each other, it doesn't mean they are sexually attracted to each other. A lot of the things that close female friends do with one another are seen as very normal but if the gender was flipped and they were men doing the same thing, it would be seen as gay.

You could use those forms of media to expand your critical thinking skills on how characters relate to one another and how they relate to broader themes in the story. You could use it to expand your empathy and imagination which fiction is really good for. You could use it to explore your own emotions as well. Those are the first things that pop up in my mind. Overall, just let yourself be and enjoy things. You don't have to be hype fixated on growth and actualization to derive valuable experiences.

I mean... I'm not sure if this helps since I can't speak on women as a collective but I can explain my pov on things as a woman if that makes sense. I do delve into similar topics and my perspective on attraction physically and emotionally in my journal. Here's the link to said journal. Feel free to ask me any questions that come up. Again, while I can't speak for all women, I am speaking from my personal experience as a woman.

Physical Things I Find Attractive Just really feel like journaling about this tbh. I'm also going to be organizing this in terms of sexual attraction, sensual attraction, and aesthetic attraction. Aesthetic Attraction: Big Noses I feel like big noses really adds character to people's faces. Often times it adds an element of uniqueness which I really admire. It's like a mountain on a person's face. I get that sounds like an insult because of Eurocentric beauty standards but if you think about it, most people don't find mountains ugly. They are often seen as majestic and personally that's how I feel about larger noses. I especially like larger noses with the little bump on them. I think that's really cute and endearing but also people with large noses with a bump, I really like their side profiles. Those types of noses in my opinion gives a really regal look. It reminds me of paintings of royalty from ancient times. This is very much an aesthetic thing imo. Tbh, it makes me kind of sad how most people with the bump on their nose feel the need for a nose job. I was thinking of incorporating pictures on this post (decided against it because I need to save space on how many things I post) and when I searched up big noses with bumps on google images, I saw a bunch of plastic surgery before and after pictures. Again, that made me a little sad. Curly/ Wavy Hair I just think in general for both genders that textured hair is so beautiful and majestic especially when it's well cared for. On top of that, I feel like most people with curly and wavy hair, there's just so many different types of curly hair to where no one person's hair is the same. There is just so much beauty in that diversity and it also adds character to a person's features. But guys who have curly and wavy hair who let me run their fingers through their hair just hit different tbh. With some guys who have curly and wavy hair, my mind immediately goes to us cuddling with is face in towards the top half of my chest right under my chin and me playing with his hair, running my fingers through it, and giving him little forehead kisses. This is both a sensual and aesthetic thing. Naturally Gray Hair on Young People This is again an aesthetic thing. I feel like people of both genders look good with gray hair. I'm specifically talking about young people who go completely gray in their 20s or so. I feel like a lot of people who have naturally gray hair have this confidence about them and when they're young there is an interesting contrast between their hair and the rest of their face. It also comes down to the whole uniqueness factor. I also feel like gray hair tends to have this silvery sparkle/ sheen to them when it looks really healthy. I think I might have gotten the going gray early genes (I have a handful of family members who have this gene) because I started finding my first gray hairs when I was 16 or so. It might be because of stress but honestly, I never felt insecure about it. I found those few strands to be really pretty tbh. My fingers are crossed hoping this isn't a stress thing and that I go gray early lol. Facial Hair I think this is more of an aesthetic thing tbh. A beard is like contour for men. Does wonders for your bone structure. And if you're not the best looking in the looks department, have no fear because a beard will cover like half of your face. I think everyone looks good when they are mainly eyes and cheek bones lmao. That's kind of why I like wearing my mask lol. Good Eyebrows This is going to be me being petty but I feel that for both genders, eyebrows can be the make or break because of how they frame your face. I think I especially notice it because of how often I have to do my eyebrows and how often people ask me to their eyebrows. I look back at old pictures of myself from middle school and I see a cute kid but the eyebrows just messed the whole thing up. I feel like especially for brown women, doing your eyebrows is like more than half of the glow up tbh. And as for men... god I wish more guys would be secure in their masculinity if anything for the sake of doing their eyebrows. They can make all of the difference. You could have amazing facial features and not have them brought out to the light just because your eyebrows are fucked up. I swear, sorting out your eyebrows can make people go from a 3 to a 7 real quick. It's definitely an aesthetic thing. Skinny Guys or Guys that are Slightly Toned This is 100% an aesthetic thing. I have yet to see a skinny guy who doesn't look good in clothes. I swear, regardless of height, they always look on point. Especially when they have a good fashion sense. God they looks so good. Plus, most skinny guys I feel like also tend to have good bone structures and nice facial features so there is that too. Eyeliner/ Makeup on guys I think this is both an aesthetic and kind of a psychological thing. First of all, it tells me that you don't have a fragile masculinity. Second, a lot of guys actually look good in a little bit of makeup imo. Third, I think part of this is also my emo phase from my childhood talking. Sexual Attraction: Body Hair I find guys who have a lot of hair really attractive for some reason. I swear this isn't something that is weird or super uncommon but for some reason every time I bring that up with my friends, they think it's really strange for some reason. When I'm talking about body hair, I'm not talking about thin, fine, or blondish body hair. I'm talking about thick, dark, course hair. I guess part of it is that it makes me feel more comfortable with also being kind of hairy lmaooo. Especially when it comes to chest hair. I think it's sexy when a little bit is peeking out. Idk, I think it's the equivalent of seeing cleavage for a woman, don't know how else to explain it. It just makes me want to caress a guy. Definitely a sexual attraction thing. Necklaces This definitely falls under sexual attraction for me. It doesn't have to be a lot of necklaces (I feel like it can be over done), but I think just a couple is enough for me. I like it because I feel like it draws attention towards a man's chest. Veins I don't know why I like it. Apparently this is kind of common. But I do in fact identify as a cardiovascular whore. It feels like both aesthetic and sexual attraction. I remember when I identified as asexual I thought this was weird and light heartedly made fun of straight women who was into this only to realize later on years later that I'm also into this lmaooo. Adams Apples I think this is because my own neck and shoulders are really sensitive and because this is a sign of masculinity. I feel like this is a little weird but it is what it is lol. Sensual Attraction: Smelling Nice If you haven't gotten it by my rant in the post where I talked about smoking, I am sensitive to smells. While that can manifest in a negative way by being immediately repulsed by smokers, it can also manifest in a really positive way in the form of being attracted to people who smell really nice. Whenever a guy is wearing cologne, all I can thinking of is wanting to hug him, cuddle him, and get close to him. I feel that this falls under sensual attraction. Honestly, it doesn't feel like a sexual attraction thing. Like I don't feel like one of those women who are often seen in men's cologne commercials lmao. It more along the lines of this. To me hugging a guy who smells nice is like holding a fuzzy warm blanket when it comes out of the dryer. Chubbier Guys/ Dad Bods Guys who are a little chubbier and has a dad bod honestly give the best hugs and are so nice to cuddle with. It's like curling up into a life size teddy bear. I feel so comforted in those situations. They're just so squishy and I really like that as someone who is into physical touch. This is definitely a sensual attraction thing mainly because I feel like I focus on the cuteness and the huggable factor than anything else. Shorter Guys I don't know which category this falls under whether it would be sexual, sensual, or aesthetic attraction. But for some reason, I always find myself drawn to guys who are around 5'6" to 5'9" or so. Maybe it's because I'm short myself and being around a shorter guy feels more natural because it isn't like they are totally towering over me. I really don't know tbh. But one thing I know for sure is that when a shorter guy has his arms around me while standing or walking, it's much more comfortable than a tall guy doing the same thing. With a short guy, it feels more natural. With a tall guy, I feel like I'm being shoved inside of a pokeball. All I can think of is how Ash's pikachu never wanted to be inside of that damn thing and how I can relate to that feeling. But when we're sitting down on a couch and he has is arm around me, that's when it really doesn't matter. I guess because of this it leans kind of towards the sensual attraction side. A Nice Voice This hits all of the types of attraction for me whether it is sexual, sensual, or aesthetic. But I really like guys who have a nice voice. What consists of a nice voice is really flexible. I can do a whole separate post on this one.

A little update since my last mental break down. It's been a little more than 3 weeks since that argument. I think I'm finally feeling ok. Me dealing with this came in stages. The first week I felt incredibly disoriented, The second week had me feeling lonely and terrified in the beginning and then later on it had me feeling dead inside. i felt dead inside for a little bit of this weak but over all I've been feeling neutral. I think at this rate I should be fine by next week and somewhat be back to being myself.

Conventionally Attractive Something that has remind the same whether I identified as asexual or straight ish is that I don't get the appeal with "conventionally attractive" people. Don't get me wrong, I can see why they are considered beautiful, but from an attraction standpoint, a lot of times, I can't relate. I also feel like the appeal of conventionally attractive people wanes with age. First of all is the obvious and that is looks isn't the only thing you're looking for when it comes to attraction. Second, I think as you get older and you get exposed to more people, you figure out what you personally find attractive and that may or may not always align with what is considered conventionally attractive. I think when you are younger, I'm talking about middle school and part of high school, because you might not have a specific idea on what you find attractive, a lot of people tend to just go with what society tells them to find attractive as a starting point of sorts. I remember growing up there were girls losing their god damn minds over Robert Pattinson and Ryan Gosling and I felt that a lot of the guys that were hyped fell under a certain caricature of what was considered attractive. The best way I could describe it is the Love Island effect (even though that show didn't air until I was in college). Love Island in my opinion picks out the most conventionally attractive people for each of their seasons. The thing is supposed to appeal to a mass audience so as a result they typically go for the people that are considered attractive to society as a whole. But it's just not doing it for me. All of the guys more or less look the same and it just feels really boring. They're all tall, have more or less the same body structure/ muscle mass, and sometimes even have similar facial features. I think the whole Love Island effect is kind of like that quote of how you can either be everyone's cup of tea or one person's shot of whiskey. I'm tired of seeing the same Ken doll. Mix it up a little bit. Give me a dad bod. Give me a tall skinny guy. Give me a short guy. Give me a more feminine looking guy. Honestly, we need to unpack a lot of male beauty standards. I tend to feel that women aren't as bad when it comes to enforcing these standards because there is hype around all of the types that I listed out whereas with men, they tend to be more cut throat (this is a post for a different day). But nevertheless, this is something that needs to be talked about more. While society still affects what we all find attractive, I feel that in a lot of cases, the Love Island effect wears off. Idk, I feel like growing up everyone was attracted to basically the same Ken doll and as I get older, people get more specific with their types. Like I know with my friend group, we all have very different types. It's to the point where every time one of us finds someone attractive, the other people in the group just doesn't get it. And because of that, I think looks don't matter when it comes to attraction. Looks do matter in terms of attraction on an individual level but in a broader scope of things, looks don't matter at all because odds are that there is someone who will find you to be their type no matter what. And because of that, the vibe and confidence you put out becomes much more important. This is going to sound corny but I remember thinking I was ugly for a large chunk of time. Then sometime between high school and college, I was working on my general mental health and started weeding through a lot of my body image issues. And I found myself thinking along the lines of "most people might not think of me as attractive, but that's ok because I find myself attractive." I know that I'm probably a 6 on a good day in most people's eyes, but you know what, I'm still a 8-10 (depending on my confidence in myself that day) in my own eyes. I started showed up with that attitude. Next thing I know, people actually start noticing that. And I didn't even have to change anything physically that I was insecure about. The people I noticed who get the most fixated and obsessed with conventional beauty are usually people who tend to be really insecure about their own looks or they have an immature and rigid views on attraction. These people can't wrap their heads around the relativity of attraction and don't get that some people might be considered beautiful by some but at the same time be considered ugly by other people. To these people, it's like in order to be considered attractive, you need to check off a series of boxes. I feel like the male gaze is like that as a whole. It's also people who identify as incels or any type of red pill that falls into this category. And I always find it funny when they see a short skinny feminine looking guy get more girls than them because of the vibe that short skinny guy puts out and how all of the red pill people lose the minds because they can't comprehend how that is so. A lot of it just comes down to projection tbh. They think they're ugly because they don't think they fall under this narrow view of attractiveness and they judge everyone else on a similarly harsh scale.

I felt the need to add this to my journal after my last post

My Love Hate (Mostly Hate) Relationship with Smoking I think this could be summarized in a couple of simple sentence. I think the idea of smoking is sexy but the moment I encounter a smoker irl, I'm immediately repulsed. I like smoking only in theory. That's also why I don't take my sexual desires super seriously. I take it seriously enough to validate my emotions but I do have a healthy dose of skepticism because I don't know if I like a certain thing or if I just like it in theory due to lack of experience. I have my fantasies, an idea of what I might like, and a rough list of things I want to try, but I know that there is a bias towards theory and it isn't grounded in much direct experience. Anyway, back to smoking. I find it really sexy and aesthetically pleasing in pictures. Smoke itself when photograph looks ethereal to me in a very dark way. That's the best way I can describe it. I tried to do a couple google searches on why smoking is sexy and I found a few things, some I resonated with some I didn't. I think part of it is conditioning from the media, specifically old Hollywood. I found a couple short articles of why some people think smoking is sexy or if it's still considered sexy. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202009/is-smoking-still-viewed-sexy https://jezebel.com/why-do-we-still-think-smoking-is-sexy-5616816 Basically, back in the day you couldn't get too detailed because people were so uncomfortable with sex but they still wanted it in the plot so they used cigarettes as a short hand of sorts. Even though that isn't the case anymore and more and more people find smoking unattractive over time, some people still have the cultural/subliminal association between sex and smoking. I say subliminal because honestly I can see where this article is going but I can't recall a movie that actually does that from the top of my head. Then there are people who see smoking as a representation of sexy traits like risk taking, being bold, being rebellious etc. Basically the whole "bad guy" trope. I can't relate to that. For me, it's kind of the opposite. To me, smoking reminds me of something that feels traditional and classic but also nonchalant. Again, goes back to the whole old Hollywood thing and the way smoking was portrayed. And I would say that older movies and TV shows were often on in my household growing up. For some reason we always had what my dad and I jokingly call the old people channel. We called it that because all of the shows that aired on that channel were from the 1950s to 70s/early 80s and because all of the ads on that channel were along the lines of life insurance, funeral arrangements, and hearing aids. But yeah anyway, things like I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show, etc. were always on. Even though those shows are family friendly, it still carries on that old Hollywood vibe from the time period it was made and I guess because of that, I kinda found myself drawn to the aesthetic as a whole. Another thing that came up when I was thinking about this is the relationship between smoking and masculinity. I had a conversation about this with my dad a while back about what caused him to start smoking when he was young. Basically, back then, even though everyone knew that smoking was bad for you, especially for men, it was a symbol of masculinity, power/wealth (because tobacco cigarettes were expensive in Bangladesh) and a rite of passage of sorts. I'm not sure about now but I also know that for women, smoking was very looked down upon. My mom and my older aunts still have that mentality. I'm not sure if that's a mentality that is still super common with everyone in South Asia or if my mom and my aunts are just going by what they saw growing up. I'm not sure to what extent cigarettes have an appeal to masculinity and power. I think there is shades of that given the gender roles of old Hollywood, and how smoking mainly looks attractive to me in pictures when the guy is dressed really nicely. But I don't see the link as super clean cut because when I think of aesthetic smoking pictures, I think of women first. As I mentioned before, smoking in pictures have this dark ethereal vibe to it and I feel that an ethereal vibe compliments femininity more than masculinity. There is something that is kind of dainty about smoke. Also, I think it plays into my oral fixation of sorts to be honest. Anyway… Enough of me simping for lung cancer for the aesthetic. My dislike for smoking really comes down to the fact that it looks and smells dirty to me. If someone smokes near me outside, I’m immediately repulsed and disgusted. It smells soooo bad and it triggers this gag reflex in me to where I feel like I’m going to throw up. I also think this is due to the media because I remember seeing a bunch of anti-smoking ads growing up. The throat cleaning thing always gets to me. Again, as time goes on, more and more people tend to see smoking as unattractive. I think I remember seeing an article somewhere where American Gen Z’ers were almost the first generation to not see smoking as cool. That was the case until vaping and Juul became a thing. The company was basically like *oh no, young people don’t want to smoke! You know what, lets make this shit cotton candy flavored.* I have a special place of hatred towards Juul. It’s not only because of that but also because Juul reminds me of middle school boys who don’t shower but think that Axe body spray will fix everything and cover it up when in reality it just makes them smell worse. Regular cigarettes smell like shit. Strawberry Juul smells like fake strawberry scented shit. It’s like it doesn’t even have the balls to smell like regular shit and instead wants to come off as appealing. If I’m going to be totally honest, smoking and vaping is one of my deal breakers. If you’re kissing a cigarette, you’re sure as hell not about to kiss me. Even when it comes to friends and family, granted like 90% of my circle doesn’t smoke, if they choose to smoke, they can’t do it near me. Like I’m sorry, I like breathing lol. Also, even though my life is a mess, at least I don’t have a nicotine addiction from a flash drive. This also includes weed for me. I hate the smell of weed. I don't see anything wrong with weed and I do think it should be legalized, but I don't like people smoking around me. I'm good with weed brownies though. I'd pick chocolatey goodness over lung damage any day. Also this song was trending for a bit. It gives me the creeps because it's basically about a wife who started smoking having a dialog with her husband who passed away due to lung cancer. But not gonna lie, the song is a vibe.