soos_mite_ah

If you listen to any woman talking about the whole "nice guy" phenomenon, you will hear a bunch of people say that being nice and treating someone with respect is the bare minimum and is expected. And because it's the bare minimum, women aren't going to spread their legs for nice. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be nice and treat her well but you have to actually have a personality. And even that isn't guaranteed because you're not going to click with every woman and that's fine. But if you don't do the bare minimum which is be respectful and do some weird creepy shit, she's not going to give you the time of day and she will be trying to think of an escape plan as yall talk. That's what we're talking about. And what about it? I can accept the situation with where men ae at right now where many of them can't form close friendships with each other because of some masculine ideal. I can accept that this is in fact a problem. And I can accept that there is a way that it ought to be to benefit both parties and that we should aim for that ideal by accepting and addressing the actual problems by seeing them as what they are, problems that are harming everyone especially men. You can be in a place of acceptance and still demand better. Acceptance isn't the same as complacency.

Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex Part 1 I really liked this particular video and I did watch it before a couple of times but I want to reflect on it more. 05:22 - 14:44 the normalisation of kink 14:45 - 18:51 vanilla shaming Overall this video as a whole talks about the negative aspect of kink being normalized and how kinks shouldn't be normalized but should be destigmatized. Like no one should be shaming you but at the same time, rough kinky sex shouldn't be considered as the standard. This section starts off with talking about the availability of porn and how it's much easier to access now and as a result how porn is more influential in people's sex lives than in previous generations. Jordan talks about how it's really easy to stumble upon really rough sex and how that skews the view of what female pleasure looks like. She talks about how mainly straight men can get distorted ideas of what women like and how that can be detrimental especially from a consent perspective because rough sex is portrayed as the default. However, women are less susceptible to this distortion because they know what female pleasure looks like from direct experience but the problem for women is that because rough sex can be portrayed as a default, it can cause women to feel like they have to do things they aren't necessarily enthusiastic about. So the first thing I thought of was my first exposure to porn. I remember being like 13/14 and accidentally getting on the porn side of Tumblr somehow. I wasn't so much uncomfortable but I was a little confused and curious. And it didn't take me that long to get to the rougher side of things. I didn't know that what I was seeing was considered rough sex because I didn't have much of a frame of reference since I wasn't really at the age where I was talking about sex with my peers. But looking back, I can see how that experience distorted the way I looked at sex for a few years. Like what I was viewing was actually violent now that I think about it. I remember thinking "is this what I'm supposed to like and get off to?" Because I honestly can't relate. And that disconnected me from what actually brings me pleasure. Then in high school, I remember the online BDSM test was a thing. We all treated it as an edgy personality test and a conversation starter. I don't even know how many times I took this test. I was a floater in high school and even in college and I've probably took this test once for each group of friends I was a part of. First of all, the questions on the test exposed us to different ways BDSM was practiced, which was interesting and at times kinda funny because we made up our own weird scenarios. I know one of questions on the test is along the lines of rate how feel about making animal noises in bed. We get that this was probably talking about something along the lines of growling during sex but I remember one of my friends was like "imagine what it would be like if someone tried to seductively moo into your ear like a cow." No offense to anyone who might be into that, but it's been years and I can't that image out of my mind and I crack up every time I think about it. But I remember because we were young and didn't know how to deal with conversations like this, there was a lot of immaturity in the form of kink shaming and vanilla shaming. Kink shaming came up because we got exposed to things we didn't ever think of, things we thought were really weird, and as a result we started judging people who partake in those kinks. Kink shaming is still something I try to be mindful of because I know I can't relate to most kinks and sometimes have this kneejerk reaction of judgement and disgust. That can be it's whole other topic. Then there was vanilla shaming and I remember on this test, it shows what percent vanilla you were. I remember the people who scored high on vanilla got made fun of for being boring and it also came with this connotation of being weak and overly emotional/sentimental (the emotional and sentimental part doesn't make sense to me because you can still have emotional and sentimental sex and still have it be kinky). It was like you had to have the right amount of kink, but too much or else you're really weird. And I think that level of restriction did affect what I figured was normal at the time. The video also talks about how sex education is important for topics like this. And I can't agree more. From my experience being in Texas, sex education is awful. It's not even sex education, it was just preaching abstinence and instilling the idea that Jesus was watching over you sinning. I don't know what sex education is like elsewhere but I think a lot places just cover things like how not to get pregnant and spread STDs. And don't get me wrong, that is incredibly important and it makes a world of difference. There is a huge difference in the rate of teen pregnancy in the southern more religious parts of the U.S. and the parts of the U.S. that actually has bare minimum sex education. But talking about protection and how pregnancy happens is the bare minimum. There needs to be more of a discussion around the social and emotional aspect of sex discussing things like hookup culture, kinks, relationships, and most importantly CONSENT. I could do a whole post on my thoughts on sex education. I also like how the video touches on how people who are likely to shame those who like vanilla sex tend to be inexperienced because often times kinky people do still enjoy vanilla sex or did at some point. And kinky people also know what it's like to be shamed for their preferences so as a result they're probably going to be more sensitive in shaming others. I agree with this because I noticed that as those people I mentioned got older and started actually having sex, the vanilla shaming jokes decreased. I don't doubt that there are plenty of young people who know that they're into kink early on but I do doubt some it because there are those people who want to seem edgy and cool and there are people think that's what they like because that's the kind of sex that was normalized for them. Especially for the kids who identified with being emo, goth, or alternative in any way and were on Tumblr, it was like a pipeline for getting exposed to rough sex early. It was basically portrayed like part of the aesthetic or like a quirky personality trait. Another point I liked was that it's not the best idea to jump head first into kink because for one, it can be traumatizing and be too overwhelming, and two because it's good to know the basics before jumping into the deep end. For me personally, even though I've never done anything with another person, this attitude has helped me. Like I said before, being exposed to violent porn made me disconnected from what I actually liked. It was like going from 0-100 literally with no chance for me to emotionally or even physically warm up. Like yeah there are some things that are on the rougher side that intrigued me from the beginning but I found that emotionally getting comfortable with more basic forms of sex and exploring those desires first did help me appreciate rougher forms of sex. For example, I knew from when I was first exposed to it that i liked the idea of being tied up but in the beginning when I imagined myself in that situation, physically I didn't feel anything. But as I started fantasizing about something more vanilla first and then build my way up to the idea of being tied up, that helped me more in terms of turning myself on because I think there is an huge element of being psychologically comfortable with yourself and pacing yourself that leads to better physical experiences. Anyway, this post is getting long so I'm going to need a part 2.

And women have been saying that you don't have to be rich, famous, and be a ten to have a hook up and a relationship. This goes back to the whole appealing to men thing. Men care about status, looks, and how much you can bench press. Women don't give af. But then when we say this, we are brushed off as "oh she's self biased. women do care about these things. They're lying to us to seem like angels" or "don't ask a fish how to catch them." You're not supposed to lecture to people, you're supposed to guide them to the correct conclusion by asking questions and have a conversation with them where they can express their feelings and concerns. You aren't supposed to talk at people, you're supposed to talk to them. You can teach through conversation. It doesn't have to be a cold hard, bullet pointed list of what you should do and don't do. You don't simply tell people to have self love, you need them to get to that conclusion themselves with your guidance. What I'm trying to say is that your mom handled that situation in the wrong way and that you can easily have a conversation with someone without it turning into that. But also, seriously wtf?!?! I hate to say it but you had a hand on how this conversation was going. In no circumstance is it justifiable to throw a chair at someone. You weren't inconsolable. You were 15 and should have known better and taken responsibility in that situation. How is that a luxury? A lot of the reasons why men are the way that they are is because of the way their families and society raised them. Raising the future generation right or at the very least in a more healthy way than the previous one is the best way to deal with misogyny and sexism. Yes, that is very long term, but at some point, a lot of men simply won't listen or change their ways. Therapy or counseling Talking to your friends and having close emotional relationships with them to where you can vent, have constructive conversations, and have an outlet for any negative emotions you deal with when getting rejected Journaling Talking to a trusted adult and asking them for advice if that's what you feel you need Finding an outlet for your emotions whether it be something creative like art or music, or something physical like going for a run Contemplating how society effects attraction and relationships and thinking critically Reflection That's what most women do when they have issues with guys. They lean on their friends and family and try to express and feel their emotions. They allow themselves to be upset for however long it hurts. If it comes down to it, ideally they might try to get some distance from the guy they got rejected by to get over him. And as a result, it isn't surprising that women handle a lot of emotional situations in a healthier way. Granted I know the typical guy probably doesn't feel comfortable with expressing his emotions and can easily be labeled as gay or masculine for doing so. That's a larger societal issue. Which is why it's even more important for men to build quality healthy relationships with other men where they can open up and be vulnerable. From my observations, of course I could be wrong, but the men who typically go towards pickup are typically the ones that don't have that supportive social network. I'm not saying they are complete loner (though some are) but I'm saying that a lot of male friendships aren't places where they can be vulnerable with their issues without judgement.

And that's why pick up has a 1-2% success rate. I mean that's better than 0% as far as attractiveness goes but yeah, most women don't usually respond to cold approaches.

What. in. the. absolute. fuck. Listen, I'm not trying to invalidate whatever anger or pain you were feeling at the time. It's also not right to lecture to a kid when they are in that amount of emotional pain. No one likes to be lectured when they're in the heat of the moment. It just leads to frustration, feeling like you're not being heard or empathized with, and feeling like you're dumb for feeling the way you were feeling. Lecturing doesn't help. You need to emotionally connect with that kid. That said..... I only have so much context but that is not a normal reaction or a healthy way of communicating. Like I don't know where you got the idea at that age that treating someone in that way just because you're upset was acceptable behavior. I wouldn't even tolerate that kind of reaction with a 2 year old. No offense, but you needed a lot of help. You can learn to not take yourself seriously in dating outside of pick up. I would bet money that whatever positive thing you got from pick up, you could get that in a good upbringing or in any other type of help like therapy. You don't need pick up for that particular thing, just the way you don't need religion to teach you to have morals and impulse control. You can learn the valuable lessons in pick up without getting wrapped up in the toxic ideology and doing pick up. I mean yeah. If you still have that urge to go out and have sex with a lot of girls, you should do that. But it's also important to ensure that this need is coming from a healthy place so you don't reinforce any traumas that you are reacting to. Having that self love is what helps you get to that point in a healthy and constructive way in a lot of cases. You need to build that foundation for self love first or else you could easily get into the trap of using sex in an unhealthy way of filling a void in your soul. You can acknowledge your desire for sex and have an outlet for it while building up self love. You don't have to resort to pick up for that. Helping your child build that foundation of self love growing up is honestly the parents responsibility in the first stage of the kid's life.

Yeah but what your parents say to you repeatedly is something that still has an impact on your overall self image and how you deal with the world. I get that these things don't get solved by a single conversation. That's why things like reaffirming self worth and showing that you are are a safe place to confide in for kids is incredibly important. It's not something you bring out of the blue when something bad happens. It's something you reinforce time and time again. Even if they don't believe me in the moment, it's important to at least give them some type of reassurance and way to process these types of emotions in a healthy way. I get that what I wrote is super general and cliche. I think i would tailor it depending on what kind of specific situation my kid got into and their specific emotions. Obviously i would try to comfort and reassure them first and then have a conversation on how do deal with said issue. When a child or teenager is going through things like this, they're usually not at the age where they're throwing tantrums and can't be reasoned with. It's important to teach kids the importance self expression in a healthy way so that they don't have an angry outburst. You have to model that shit and reinforce those emotional regulation skills again, from a very young age. Listen, I'm too young to know all the right words to say to a potential teenage son. I just know that if there is an angry outburst I would probably have to cool that down by giving him the space to process those things and then talking to him in a calmer mood and he's ready to have a constructive conversation. And the reason why teenagers feel this way is because the adults around them talk to them like they are stupid and that their problems are trivial. People can be so dismissive and so condescending towards teenagers that like no shit they have a rebellion phase. That phase doesn't come out of nowhere. I've met kids who come from healthy households. They don't simply hate their parents and assume that the parent can't help them. If you don't create an emotionally available environment, the kid will look for that comfort and validation else where, and sometimes it can be in healthy places like if they have a solid group of friends or it can be in really sketchy place. While pick up isn't all bad, you can still teach valuable lessons from pick up to guys without them going through that whole cringey stage orange alpha male phase. You can teach your son to have boundaries, to have standards, to not go chasing women who don't care about them, to have their own lives, dreams and ambitions which later on gives them the foundation to be well rounded emotionally attractive people. You can teach your son on how to approach women in a respectful and assertive way. I think of it as kids who don't get the sex talk from their parents and instead resorting to something constructive, they resort to searching up porn on their computer to satisfy their curiorsity. That then leads to all types of issues and distorted views on sex which could all be avoided if you created a sex positive space in your home. That doesn't always mean you sit your kid down formally to explain this but it means that as things come up, you don't deflect them and give them a bs answer. You don't have to go through a pick up journey to learn that self love. You can learn that self love from other sources. I've met plenty of men who didn't have to learn that type of self love in the hard way and instead had parents and even peers guiding them in the right direction. I agree with you, empty platitudes don't work. That's why you have to back up those statements of how loved your kids are and how they have self worth by the way you treat them on a day to day basis. By the time I say those words to my kids, it's not a new message. They have a foundation built up and the words I said are simply reminders. And as much as guys who are into pick up may seem like they care about female validation, they don't. A lot of insecure men don't care about a woman's agenda at all. They do all of this to show off to their guy friends. Women are just pawns in their game. They're just another status symbol for men to conquer and show off as a trophy to other men. If pick up artists really did care that much about female validation, you wouldn't have as many misogynists there. You would have more men trying to understand the female experience. But they don't do that because that was never the goal. The goal is to get laid and show off to your buddies the 10 that you pulled in. That's it. It's not about female validation.

it might not be the same radio silence that man might feel but there are plenty of women and girls who feel unwanted and disrespected either because no one actually likes her or because the only time she gets attention, it's from men who see her as nothing more than a warm hole. And being dehumanized and reduced down to just that can feel incredibly isolating and hopeless. Forget about feeling unlovable. Imagine not even feeling like a human being.

@Jacob Morres when I talk about weirdos who cant get laid, I'm specifying weirdos as the sexist people who try to justify their bs with incel, redpill, rhetoric/ideology . Talking about alphas, Chads, etc on 4chan without having any irl interaction is weirdo behavior in the eyes of most people. There are plenty of normal men and women who dont get laid and those arent the weirdos I'm talking about. As a whole, if we want to prevent people from turning into these weirdos who internalize their self hatred and take it out in the form of violence, we need to stop acting as it romantic relationships are the end all and be all and that someone's sexual and romantic status means anything about people's worth.

@Jacob Morres the bitterness often comes from dealing with things racism and misogyny. It doesn't come from the rejection itself. How many women do you see shooting places up or assaulting people because they got rejected?

You know that situation isnt unique to men? Women experience this all the time. We just feel the hurt and move on without harboring bitterness towards the other person. If my son or daughter came up to me I would tell him that they are beautiful, smart, interesting, and lovable people. Just because someone doesnt see that or doesn't like them in that way, doesnt mean there is anything wrong with them. I would teach them to have a healthy ego and have an inner sense of self esteem. I would teach them that if someone doesnt like them back, that isnt the time to persue that person more because of issues of consent and because if you were secure in your identity, why would you chase after something that wasnt meant to be yours or after someone who doesnt like you in that way? If my child was a girl, I would tell her that her worth isnt dependent on a boy and that her value lies outside of a relationship status since there is that pressure for girls to get into a relationship or else its thought that they are failing at their femininity and that they are undesirable. I would tell her that she doesnt need to change herself, especially physically to appeal to men. I would teach her the importance of self acceptance and how eventually someone is going to come around and its going to be even better because he will like her back for who she authentically is. If my child was a boy, I would also tell him that his worth isn't dependent on a girl and I would have a discussion with him regarding how society has this expectation of masculinity where if you dont get girls you're some type of a loser. I would teach him that this isnt a healthy way to approach masculinity and relationships in general. I woul teach him to d be mindful of society's expectations for men and how it isn't always accurate or healthy when it comes to dealing with friendships and relationships with women. I would teach him self acceptance even if it feels like it's going at odds with society's standards for him.

It's been more than 2 weeks since that arguement. While I dont feel disoriented anymore, I feel incredibly lonely and isolated and I feel that I cant really talk to people in my real life about any of this. I still feel like I'm making to big of a deal about everything and I hate how I cant move on. I hate how I feel so weak for being traumatized like this. I mean, that feels like such a large dramatic word to use in the first place. On top of that, I'm still terrified of starting school because of how bad things was academically and personally for me. My self esteem and feelings of capability are nonexistent. I'm really socially anxious about returning. I'm tempted to isolate. I still dont know where tf I'm heading or if my life is heading anywhere at all. I dont know if things will be ok and sometimes I wonder if its worth sticking around to find out. Do people who are in positions like me, do they get out? Is this what the rest of my life is going to look like? Life just feels like an endless cycle of being traumatized and trying to heal from it. I don't want go live like this. I have no friends I feel I can go to, no set career goals, no feelings of accomplishment, and I'm left feeling unsupported. I dont feel like I have anything going for me tbh. I've been feeling anxious, depressed, and lonely for the last month or so now if I'm correct and even though I know what I feel isnt the best representation of reality, I really do feel like I havent made any improvement or any growth at all in the last few months.

A Dialog Between My Inner Parent and My Inner Child I think my voice of self love is much like a strict, over protective parent. That parent wants to protect the kid because they love them and wants what's best for them. That parent wouldn't be able to forgive themselves if they made a decision that got that kid hurt. If my voice of self love is that parent, I would say the kid is my vulnerability/ inner child. Upon writing the previous post, I feel like my inner child and my inner parent are at odds. The whole thing is a metaphor and I'll be putting in parenthesis what each element of the story represents in my inner dialog My inner child feels like her needs aren't being met. She wants to go out and play ( let loose and connect with people both romantically and platonically) and feels really isolated and tired from doing work. My inner parent is telling the child that she needs to do her homework before going out with her friends. (That homework is the self development work which includes getting a solid group friends, figure out life purpose etc). The parent wants everything to be taken care in school (to get their life together) before allowing the child have fun (go out and make friends and get into a relationship). But the child feels like the parent is too strict and that even if all of the homework is done, the parent will find more things that are wrong and will then tell the child to do that, causing the child to never go out (there is always self development work to do, it's a life long process. waiting to be a perfect version of yourself means that you'll basically be waiting forever and avoiding the thing you want to do). The parent wants to be firm on those boundaries because they feel that they know what's best for the kid. They don't feel ready for the child to go out yet and is afraid that the child hasn't learned enough lessons and matured enough to go out and not hurt themselves. The child feels like this is like a form of conditional love, that they aren't worthy of going out until they finish their work. After all, her needs aren't being met and she feel really isolated. After all, all the other kids get to out and play even if they haven't done their work (Everyone else is making friends and having romantic relationships despite not working on themselves. Why do I have to stay in side and nitpick every little thing?) The parent wants what's best for the kid and wants to give the kid the world. Despite this, the parent is seeing that their kid isn't reacting well and sees what other parents are going and now is doubting whether nor not they are being over protective. Are they being too critical? Are they stopping the kid from being a kid by giving them unrealistic expectations? (Am I stopping myself from connecting with people and being vulnerable? Am I self sabotaging? Or am I being cautious for good reason?) The kid is now throwing a tantrum and wants to go out more than ever (I have been romantically thirsty for like 4 years straight). The parent isn't sure if this is the time to dig in their heels and enforce strict boundaries because the child is acting out and since the child isn't in it's right mind (really wants a romantic relationship) the child is even more likely to hurt themselves. Or if they need to loosen the boundaries because the boundaries are too much causing the child to act out this way (not sure if I took too much time for actualization that I ended up isolating myself and harming myself). The child is also conflicted because on one hand the parent has a valid point but on the other hand, the child can see the limitations of the parent's decision and thinks it's fear based and thinks the parent is over reacting especially compared to other parents. The kid argues that she'll learn and grow more if she is out with playing with other kids instead of staying at home and doing work (part of me thinks that I would grow more if I put myself out there socially and romantically instead of staying in and working on myself). The parent sees the point but also knows just how harsh other kids are and is afraid that their kid will hang out with the wrong crowd because the kid is irritated and is throwing a tantrum (If I don't heal my inner child by doing my work, I'm left in a more vulnerable position that could attract other people who are just as hurt as I am and that could be toxic). The kid argues that she already spent time on the work even though the work isn't 100% done and that they know better than to hang out with the wrong crowd who doesn't do any work at all. (I feel like I am self aware enough to not get myself into a bad situation and that I know all of the warning signs and even though I'm not perfect, I'm not about to date anyone who hasn't done any work on themselves at all). The parent knows that if they stick to their instincts and their boundaries, the child will grow up in one of two ways. Either the child will grow up and see the parents as being to harsh and resent them or she will grow up and see that the parents were right and be grateful towards them.

I Don't Feel Worthy of a Relationship... Yet I really want to put myself out there, date, and get into a relationship. So why am I not doing that? Well it's because I don't have a solid circle of friends and because I don't have clear career goals with my life purpose yet. I'm also not developed enough as far as emotional maturity goes and I don't love myself 100%. There is this quote that I often catch myself referring to when I really want to put myself out there and that quote is "you can't love others or let other people love you until you love yourself." I think there is a lot of truth to that. We can only love as much as our level of consciousness and development allows us to love. If we don't love ourselves, we're more likely to let people in who don't have our best intentions and who will hurt us. We will allow behavior that is not ok and we won't take in the healthiest form of love unless we love ourselves. But I think I've gone too far with this quote. I know this is not the way to interpret that quote but there is a part of me that feels like I can't love or be loved until I'm healed enough. There is no way that anyone will love me if I'm anxious, depressed, or just don't have my life fully together, at least not in a healthy way. There is no way that my judgement is going to be clear enough until I have my life fully together to where I can make good decisions. I can't trust myself fully to make the right decision when it comes to choosing who to be in a relationship or friendship with until I am 100% happy with my life. This leads me to want to hide under a rock and work on self development stuff in order to fix myself. There is also another quote that is along the lines of "we accept the love we think we deserve." And I think I have a very all or nothing approach to that. I deserve the best, the healthiest, the most actualized relationship, or I deserve nothing. I deserve the world or I deserve absolutely nothing. And for me to deserve everything, I need to be everything. I think people only see the first part when they see that I have high standards for guys. They're like "yes you do deserve an amazing guy and it's great that you aren't willing to settle." But most people don't see the second part which is I deserve absolutely nothing. They don't realize that I hold myself to an even higher standard. If there is a man that checks everything standard I have and he is willing to be in a relationship with me, I can't say whether or not I would let that person in. I might, because I deserve all of that. Or I might not, because there is so much work I need to do on myself before letting a person like that in. If he is all that, he, like me, deserves the best. But if I'm not at my best and I don't feel that I can give him the best, I would rather have him go free and find someone else. I did encounter a situation like this one time a few years back. I really liked this guy and I knew that at one point he liked me back. But I never pursued it because I made a promise to myself that I would move out, go to college, get therapy, and get to a stable place in my life first before even thinking about dating. That was a difficult decision. In hindsight, I think I did make the right decision. Looking back, neither he or I were in the right mind and that could have easily led to a codependent dynamic. I didn't even know what that was at 17. I don't think I could forgive myself if I got myself into a dysfunctional relationship like that. People often fall into shame and guilt when they feel like there was an element of choice in a situation and they chose the wrong choice. For example, the people that shame gay people for being gay are often the people who feel like gay chose to be gay. The reason why I never was ashamed for the abusive relationship that I have with my parents is because I didn't chose to be born to my parents. It was just the situation I was born into. But if I got myself into a dysfunctional relationship, I would 100% feel a sense of shame in that for not making good decisions. I remember one time I did beat myself up for liking a guy who wasn't the best for me at 12. When I found out that he rejected me for being brown, I cried myself to sleep. I cried myself to sleep not because of what he said, but because I liked this person in the first place. I hated myself for falling so easily with no thought at all for what I was and was not willing to tolerate. And while I did learn a valuable lesson on having standards and boundaries, I didn't trust myself to like the right people. Which led me to be more closed off like in the situation that I got into at 17. I think an element of that lack of self trust is still there now. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few months back I was having a conversation with a friend. We were talking about body image issues and she mentioned to me that she really doesn't want to date until she loses weight and gets her skin cleared up. She wants to date feeling like the most confident version of herself. I said something along the lines of "I respect you for wanting to be confident when you put yourself out there and you should do that when you feel ready, but why wait to lose weight and clear up your skin before you feel confident? It sounds like you're putting up requirements for yourself, like you can't be confident and start dating until xyz. It feels like you're giving yourself conditional self love. And again, you shouldn't date if you don't feel ready, but I don't know if this hesitation is coming from the healthiest place." I'm thinking about that now. Instead of wanting to lose weight and clear up my skin, it's like I want my life and my emotions to be a certain way before I allow myself to let myself love and be loved. It's conditional self love. It's like I'm not worthy of love if I have any amount of neurosis in me. I think there are a few of factors involved. I never got love and support when I feel upset growing up and instead got emotional invalidation so as a result I feel like I have to do everything on my own because I don't deserve to be "supported" by the ways my parents treated me and instead I have to be vigilant protect my own energy. Difficult relationships often make people feel like they are "broken goods that needs fixing" and while I don't wallow in my brokenness, I hyper focus on fixing myself. I never had an example of painful emotions being expressed in a healthy way from my parents and instead my parent's difficult emotions were always been taken out on other people in the most unhealthy way possible. As a result, I always feel like I'm being toxic and burdensome when I'm expressing negative emotions or when I'm going through something even though I'm explaining the problem in a healthy and constructive way. I never really had an example of two people who weren't perfectly trauma free but still managed to have a healthy relationship. So as a result, I'm scared that any amount of trauma or dysfunction in my life is going to lead me straight to hell.

My Story of Class Consciousness I really liked Tiffany's video on the role of wealth and class in life style content. Though there isn't any one part of the video that really stuck out to me, I found myself reflecting on how class impacts my experiences and how my sense of class consciousness evolved over the years. ***NOTE: This post is a place holder for myself to write about this because I have been putting off writing about this specific topic.

Future Posts Brainstorm: As I have been writing these posts, I have been thinking about how I could write another post going in-depth of a tangent that I caught myself drifting off to. Even throughout my day I have been getting ideas for more and more topics I could talk about. I thought I'd list some of that out just kind of as a sticky note to myself but also a preview of what's to come Also, if anyone else has any more ideas about what else I could write and reflect about, as usual, feel free to offer input. My Relationship with Porn The Ways I Connected to My Sexuality as a Virgin Asexual Using Your Love Language for Self-Care The Diversity of Asexuality Nudism Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized Racial Fetishization: How Attraction Doesn't Exist in a Vacuum Exhibitionism My Thoughts on Monogamy Purity Culture Thoughts on NoFap Vanilla Shaming and the Normalization of Rough Sex Kink Shaming My Fears Around Pregnancy K Dramas and the Female Gaze Does Sex Actually Sell? Asexual Stereotypes Sexuality vs Sexual Orientation Infantilizing Lack of Experience Hands and the Female Gaze: Why So Many Women are Into Hands Somethings I Want for My First Time Sex Addition and Hyper Sexuality Things and People I'm Attracted To Friend Zoning FOMO and Being a Virgin Later Than Most of Your Peers Foreplay and Aftercare The Online BDSM Test The Link Between Homophobia and Sexism: Why I Don't Trust Homophobic Men Art Work That I Really Like Fellas, Is It Gay to Want a Relationship? Hook Up Culture: How Progressive Is it Really Sexual Empowerment Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages Sugar Baby Culture My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex

Upsetero Hetero: My Experience I mentioned in a previous post, the possibility of me being asexual was easier for me to accept than the possibility of me being straight despite the fact that asexual people are marginalized and have to deal with all types of crap. When I realized that I might be asexual, I was like *Oh, I'm asexual. Interesting. That makes sense.* When I started thinking I was straight I was like *eww, I'm straight. Fuck. I'm more confused now.* And I don't think it has to do with the fact that I'm going to have to deal with straight men. Even when I considered myself asexual, I was still romantically attracted to men and wanted a relationship. Considering the fact that there aren't that many asexual men, at least asexual men that I met, I basically settled on the idea that I'm probably going to date and marry a straight man (more on that later). I think part of the reason why I was like *eww, I'm straight* had to do with me making fun of straight culture like I talked about in the first Upsetero Hetero post. Straight people aren't the problem. It's the people who cling onto their straightness and cling to the concept of boundaries and how all of that can manifest in cringey, tone deaf ways. And the fact that my sexual orientation is associated with the aggressively straight, stage orange people is just eww. I think the other part of the reason why I was like *eww, I'm straight* is because I feel like my needs and wants in a relationship mirrors that of the stereotypical straight woman. I know this is internalized misogyny and my inner NLOG (not like other girls) coming out and even though I feel like I have dealt with most of my hang ups regarding femininity and my NLOG tendencies a couple years back, it's been interesting watching that come up again. For me, the stereotypical straight women shit that I find myself relating to is the amount I care about emotional intimacy in a relationship whether that is sexual or romantic. Also there is the typical wanting flowers and chocolate, wanting men to express their emotions thing, and wanting slow and gentle sex. And I want to underscore that there is nothing wrong with any of those things. But there is a part of me that feels overly sentimental for wanting those things and I think part of it has to do with hook up culture, how violent porn is becoming more mainstream, and how just in general women are painted as too demanding and too emotional. Each of those things can have it's own post. (side note: I swear the more I write in this journal, the more I realize how much I have to say on this topic. There was a part of me that thought this journal was just going to be me horny posting but I guess not lol) I think when I was asexual, those desires I listed above could have been interpreted in a different way. It was more along the lines of *this person puts a lot of emphasis on emotional connection and romantic attraction because they don't feel sexual attraction.* But now that I'm straight, those desires take on the interpretation of *she's a stereotypical woman wanting stereotypical cliché woman things.* That interpretation has me feeling more boxed in. Also I want to note that a lot of women who go through the NLOG phase often say that they are "not like other girls" because they simply don't want to be seen as the stereotype of woman and girlhood. They don't want to be seen as the caricature of pink, makeup, boobs, and cattiness that society tends to portray women as even thought that isn't the case and women are just as complex and nuanced as men are. And while most people can agree that NLOGs are insufferable and are basically the female equivalent of the Nice Guy, I think a lot of women can still empathize with NLOGs

Upsetero Heteros: Wine Moms Currently I have a part time job at a store that sells home decor. And in that store, I encounter a lot of decorative pieces and signs that play into the wine mom trope. It's usually cliche sayings like "it's wine o'clock" or "all you need is wine." As a result I started thinking about this trope. Why is drinking a ton of wine related to the female experience, particularly when it comes to motherhood. And to a certain extent, why is alcoholism normalized as a coping mechanism for moms and played out as a running joke. I found this article really insightful and though I think people need to read the whole thing, I decided to highlight and quote parts of it that I found particularly insightful. https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/05/wine-moms-explained/612001/ The reason why I decided to include this in my little section about heterofatalism is because I think it continues on with the whole "why women are more likely to be unhappily married and stressed" thing. I think that the last quote I copied and pasted summarizes the whole situation the best. I also think that wine mom jokes are the millennial equivalent of the boomer "I hate my wife" jokes. Both of them have to do with a sense of heterofatalism and how it comes from dealing with misogyny. I don't have to elaborate on the "I hate my wife" jokes but when it comes to wine moms, again a lot of it comes down to inadequate social support. Naturally, it comes down to, where tf is the husband in all of this? Like I mentioned in the previous post, men are still unlikely to help out with household chores and child care to a certain extent. Those usually fall under gendered expectations for the woman. In my opinion, I do think we have come a long way since the 50's when it comes to gender roles. Women are allowed to embrace their masculinity and are allowed to have independence from the home and support themselves. But there is an entire other half that is ignored when it comes to breaking down gender roles and that is the acceptance of femininity in general, but especially when it comes to men. There is such a stigma when it comes to femininity and how it's seen as weak and shameful and how integrating that aspect of oneself is taking away from one's masculinity. And that leads to all type of issues not only in marriages, but in all stages of a relationship from attraction, to dating, and to being in a relationship period.

Or maybe they didn't have those intentions and I simply wasn't their type. It goes both ways. I know plenty of guys who I think are attractive but personally I'm not into them that way for whatever reason or because they aren't my type. Friend zoning (I hate that term btw) doesn't always come down to attractiveness. A lot of it is just compatibility and chemistry.

Currently I'm in the mood for someone to touch my face. Three things come to mind. Someone squishing my face playfully because I have round chubby cheeks a guy getting really close to my face and holding my face while looking into my eyes me sitting down somewhere with a man standing in front of me holding my chin up so I look/face up to him

Upsetero Heteros: Are the Straights Ok? I find it interesting that when I first thought I was asexual, that was easier to accept than the possibility that I may be straight now. I found this video recently about heterofatalism and I thought it was really interesting. In the first section from 1:49 to 16:35 the video talks about what straight culture even is and what do LGBTQ people mean when they make fun of straight culture. I really liked this quote about straight culture: I think the reason why a lot of LGBTQ people make fun of straight people isn't about making fun of being attracted to the opposite sex as it's more so about the rigid gender roles, how it boxes people in, and how awkward that can be because it feels so forced but then those people go on to complain about gayness being unnatural. Like the same people that have their kids wear shit like this: are the same people who believe that gay people are pushing an agenda towards children simply by existing without having the self awareness to see how what they're doing is pushing an agenda of how boys and girls inherently behave in different ways. Personally, when it comes to things like dating and relationship advice, my general rule of thumb is that if the piece of advice can be applicable to both men and women, it's generally good advice, but if the advice has undertones of *men are from mars, women are from venus* it's usually cringe at best (like how you can't approach a guy if you're a woman and you can't double text or else he'll think you're too easy) or straight up dangerous at worse (hypergamy, red pill, black pill). Also, if a dating advice person has an attitude that the opposite sex is like from a different planet because men and women are inherently different on a psychological level, that usually tells me that this person views people through the lens of overly simplified binaries to group people rather than as complex and holistic human. Also another thing that weirds me out is the whole notion that men and women can't be friends. I've heard both men and women say this and it always felt weird because I have plenty of experiences with guys who I was just friends with and nothing happened at all. It's the same with how some women see guys who have female friends as red flags. In my opinion, if anything is a red flag it's men with no female friends at all. Here's my reasoning. A man who doesn't have female friends or relationships with women that are strictly platonic, he is not friends to women. They might be friendly, but there is an agenda involved. If a man can't be friends with a woman without an agenda or without feeling like that he has to be attracted to her in order to talk to her period, he doesn't view women as human beings to connect to rather he sees them simply as a vehicle of pleasure. And don't get me wrong, this isn't about being friends with someone and developing feelings. That's natural, it happens. What I'm talking about is not seeing a woman as playing any role in your life other than like family, or being a love interest. The whole thing also reeks of the madonna whore complex which I can do another post on. Men who do have female tend to also be comfortable with both their masculinity and femininity and they also tend to be much more informed and therefore able to empathize with women. Additionally, for the women who are like *my man isn't allowed to have female friends,* my question is, what are you afraid of? Do you really have that many trust issues with your man to where you don't have faith that he will stay faithful or do you secretly have a hunch that your boyfriend is one of those guys who mainly view women through the lens of what can he get out of it sexually or romantically. Men who are only friends with other men and don't try to be friends with and get to know a woman outside of a sexual or romantic relationship gives me the same energy of white people only having white friends despite living in a diverse area and only having that one token POC friend. Annnyyywaaaay tangent aside, back to the video>>>>>>>>>> After discussing what straight culture is the video then goes on to discuss what heterofatalism is. It's basically the dissatisfaction, regret, embarrassment, or hopelessness about the straight experience. While both topics are covered in this section, when the section first began, I thought of two things. One is women complaining about being attracted to men because they are a pain in the ass to deal with and as a result wishing they were gay. And two, the statistic that is along the lines of how single and child free women tend to be happier, healthier, and live longer than women who get married and have kids. The same isn't true for men and the findings are along the lines of men who are married and have kids tend to be happier and live longer than their unmarried counterparts. Ok soo... there's a lot of dissect here. I'll start with complaining about being attracted to men because they're a pain the ass and how some women joke about how they wish they were only attracted to women. I don't think it comes from a place of putting being a lesbian on a pedestal and assuming that lesbian women have it better. By listening to my females friends who date women, women are also a pain in the ass. And if you're bisexual, you get screwed over by everyone. Even then, men are a specific type of pain in the ass and a lot of it has to do with misogyny as well as how men are socialized and expected to act a certain way in order to be considered "man enough." And sometimes, you're just done with dealing with this type of bs. Then there is the statistic that I mentioned before. A lot of the reason why married women are more likely to be unhappily married is because they are more likely to be stressed and overworked. It's like working a double shift. You come home from work and instead of relaxing like your husband, you're the one who is expected to do all of the domestic work and raise the kids, leaving you little to no time for yourself. The video did touch on how even though people think that marriage is more equal, men of this generation is still just as unlikely to help out at home with domestic duties as their fathers and grandfathers. And in some ways, I do think that it was better in the 1950s because you didn't have to do this whole double shift thing and you were a stay at home mom/wife. But I don't think we should go back to the 1950s for obvious reasons. I think on top of dealing with the gender roles that are applied to men, we need to address capitalism because the whole 40 hour work week was designed with the assumption that the man is the primary bread earner and he has a wife that does all of the domestic work while he's away. But when you have both people working, it can be very overwhelming and feel like you don't have time to do the things you need to get done so that you can finally do the things you want to do but that's a whole nother topic.

You're fine. It's natural and it happens. imo as long as people read the room and don't get triggered when the other person says no, it isn't entitlement. I mean, intrusive thoughts can come up. Maybe I'm projecting my situation, but did you have any feelings for this girl sexual or romantic outside of that interaction? But in my situation, I'm pretty sure he had no feelings for me whatsoever. I knew his friends and my friends never picked up on anything from either of our ends and everyone knew the status of the situation except acquaintances I didn't interact with much. On top of that, I knew exactly who he was into, who he was stuck on because he caught feelings he couldn't get rid of, and what kind of girls he was attracted to and never did I get the suspicion that I fell in any of those categories. And honestly, i didn't care because I wasn't into him in that way either. I remember one time he was dating one of my friends and I didn't know because they were still in the early stages of the relationship and didn't really tell anyone. I was still cuddling with this guy and when I found out. I got irritated because that is important information and I don't want to be THAT person but he was basically "I didn't think it was important to say anything because one there is nothing going on between us and two she and I wanted to keep things low key for the first month or so." I confronted my friend just to make sure and told her that I didn't know about them two and that even though there was nothing going on between me and this guy that I don't mind keeping distance just to show respect for the relationship. Because she was my friend, she knew that there was nothing going on between me and him and she was like, "no, you're fine. it doesn't bother me at all.* But if there was ever a chance he felt some type of way towards me, it would make sense why he never said or do anything because I was openly asexual at the time.

@RendHeaven Lol he was fine. He wasn't sexually or romantically romantically attracted to me. It was just no strings attached affection. No hearts were broken and no balls were turned blue.

First of all, I want to say thank you, I'm flattered. I think the reason why I think I might cringe at the title is because I don't have much of an idea of what direction this journal is going to go in. I started this on a whim similar to my main journal. After making The Joy Journal, a couple months later I found myself thinking *ahh shit I came up with a better fitting title because now I know what direction this journal ended up taking.* I read this book about awkwardness a few months back that had an interesting perspective on awkwardness. Basically, often times, awkwardness occurs when you present an unpolished version of yourself that contradicts your perception of yourself or other people's perception on you. It's like they get a peek behind the curtain. And what's more seemingly unpolished than a previous version of yourself that you recently rethought or outgrew? I watched a video about cringe attacks a while and the conclusion in that video was along the lines of how we cringe at our past selves because it's an uncomfortable piece of evidence of self growth. I don't think cringing is necessarily something that needs to be overcome so long as it's not causing too many issues. It's just like any other emotion that comes and goes and as long as it doesn't linger and cause problems, it's good. Sometimes you can just feel it and move on because like any other unpleasant feeling, it can be very revealing and very healthy when it comes to self reflection. Yeah, it's been pretty weird. I confidently identified as asexual for 7 years so doubting something that I was so sure of has been interesting to say the least. I guess any label you assign to your sexuality or sexual orientation can be a placeholder because sexuality is fluid. At the same time, I think it's still important to honor whatever you identify as and accept it as a part of your experience and as it is real even if it was just for a moment. Like I don't think that me identifying as asexual was fake or any less real back then compared whatever I'm figuring out now. Yeah navigating romantic attraction in a world that meshes romantic and sexual attraction together can be challenging because it's not the perspective or experience that is often talked about and represented. I have had to figure out how to navigate dating as someone who was heteroromantic, but not exactly straight and yeah it wasn't super clean cut. Mostly no, I haven't had much luck with online dating. A lot of it imo has to do with how the whole experience is structed rather than individual people. I'm more interesting in doing things in person because it feels more natural. I did write a post about how online dating for me felt really forced when it came to the romantic, emotionally intimate, trust building side of things. I also think that technology to a certain extent can bring out our inner sociopath because everything is behind a screen and doesn't feel real and as a result it's super easy to brush someone off and swipe left even though in person you'd probably at least would try to have a simple conversation with them. With tinder specifically, I think by design it is very surface level because most of it is based off of looks (though I think things have gotten a little better with them including hobbies/ interests in the form of little, very visible hashtags, but it's still not much better).

How Being Asexual Made Me More Mindful in Attraction I find it very interesting and ironic how being asexual through my teen years made me more in touch with my sexuality and experiences with attraction. Like I know that what I was experiencing was experienced by others so it's not like I was stumbling into new territory but being asexual and figuring out that identity made me dissect those experiences more. I'm going to start with talking about attraction in this post. Typically when people think of attraction, people just think of regular sexual attraction. But when I was asexual, I didn't feel that sexual attraction towards anyone by definition. However, I still felt attraction towards people but it was in an aesthetic sense, a platonic sense, a romantic sense, or in a sensual sense. I think this picture explains things really well. And personally the impression that I got from people who didn't identify as asexual was that to a lot of people attraction is kind of a monolith that always leads back to sexual attraction. For example, people mesh together romantic attraction with sexual attraction as that tends to go hand and hand with most people. But as someone who was asexual, I have experienced romantic attraction in the absence of sexual attraction. And I don't think I'm alone in that regarding my sexuality. Like most people even if they aren't asexual have experienced that but a lot of people never slowed down to question it. For example, a lot of kids before hitting puberty have experienced a crush or two. But there was never anything sexual behind it because i mean yall were children who didn't go through puberty yet. But most kids don't grow up and identify as a sexual meaning feeling romantic attraction and feeling sexual attraction are different things and they don't always go hand in hand and this experience isn't just isolated to people who are asexual. Asexual people imo are more likely to be able to differentiated it because things don't lump together. When it comes to aesthetic attraction, I think that's were a lot of people would doubt me when I identified as asexual. Even when I was asexual, I still found people beautiful or even hot. And when I would say something along the lines "oh he's cute" people would jump and think it's a *got ya* moment. Then I would explain to them what aesthetic attraction was. And I would describe it as looking at people like paintings. I can think a painting is beautiful without having the urge to fuck the starry night. Or another example would be how girls think others girls are beautiful all the time despite most girls identifying as straight. Again, differentiating between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction isn't an exclusively asexual experience, you're more likely to be able to see the contrast between the two because you don't feel one of them in the first place. I would say a really common experience is being able to notice when someone is conventionally attractive but not getting the hype because that person isn't making you feel some type of way. It's like *oh cool, she has a really symmetrical face. ANYWAY, back to what I was doing.* It's kind of like watching those oddly satisfying videos of kinetic sand being cut into perfect slices. I think a good example of people meshing aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction together is when for example a woman thinks another woman is really attractive and says something along the lines of *this person is so attractive that I think I would go gay for them.* Lets be real, they're probably not having sexual fantasies about that person, they just think they're really beautiful. They're just very aesthetically attracted to that person. I know that quote is an exaggeration, but the figure of speech still proves a point of how aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction mesh together. Then there is sensual attraction. I'm a very physically affectionate person. I've always been a hugger. I've always been comfortable with touch. A lot of it probably has to do with my upbringing. My entire family is like this. Even though I'm 21 I still cuddle with my parents, yes even my dad. And I guess to some people that's really weird because they sexualize showing affection. I have heard stories of some dads who refuse to hug their daughters after they go through puberty because they think it's weird. And I think that's so heartbreaking. Ok so I'm not trying to say that I'm sensually attracted to my parents, but what I'm trying to say that some people sexualize any type of physical affection even if it's not inherently sexual. IMO cuddling isn't weird unless you make it weird. And I have felt sensual attraction toward people and again people think it's a *got ya* moment. There was a guy that I went to school with and we were cuddle buddies. I loved playing with his hair, holding his hand, and curling up next to him. And people would sit there like *alright let's bet how long it's going to take for these two to develop feelings for each other, date, or hook up.* But no, none of that happened. Our relationship was strictly platonic even if we sometimes looked like a couple from the outside. Also, this man was definitely not asexual. He was straight. The main takeaway from all of this is that there are many forms of attraction and while many of them go hand and hand, these can all exist independently from each other. And most of the time, you can experience multiple forms of attraction at once, there is still nuance in that experience of attraction. While I don't think that I'm asexual anymore, because that was how I identified for 7 years, I'm very good at differentiation different forms of attraction and being mindful when I do find myself attracted someone. Basically, I think this mindfulness makes me take in attraction more consciously and more in depth.