soos_mite_ah

Also complete unrelated side note: I love how I refer to my friends in my journal entries as if I have a lot of them when in reality I'm talking about the same 3 people 90 percent of the time and in the other 10 percent of the time I'm talking about a random acquaintance I had years ago.

Environment and Life Style Sometimes I catch myself going into these spirals of how I feel like I'm too ugly on the inside and outside to date and find a relationship. But then I'm like.... nah girl you ain't ugly, you have been stuck in the house since March 2020 and literally haven't had an interaction with a male your age since then. Stop throwing a pity party. Then I started thinking about how a lot of my friends are also in a similar boat where they are absolutely gorgeous inside and out but are also forever alone. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are homebodies that dont go out that often mainly because we're overworked and at the end of the day or week, we dont have the energy to go out and party and instead we spend the time doing a hobby or binging on a show we found. Most of my close friends are generally low key and try to mind their business and take care of their shit. Also, most of us dont drink so it's very unlikely that one of us is going to be like "let's go to a bar and get drinks." I'm not trying to say that there is anything wrong with that life style but what I'm saying is that we arent exposed to as many people and we tend to hang out with our own close knit groups and cultivate those friendships when we get the chance. I had two roommates. One was a girl who was going out super regularly (to the point where I basically had a single dorm) and she had a relatively low pressure major so she didnt have as much school stress or financial stress hanging over at all times. The second girl had a really high pressure major and had to balance two jobs to afford going to college and didnt go out anywhere more than once a month. Guess who was getting more dates, numbers etc. Both of these girls are equally beautiful and were amazing to be around and what I'm trying to say is that looks/personality weren't the factors at play in their differences in dating lives. I also think about my environment growing up. I live in a small town and went to an even smaller private school because that was the best option for me educationally. There werent that many guys there period. Then in high school, I went to another nerd school lol, but I would say roughly 65 out of the 100 people in my grade were other girls and whenever people did date, they'd have to really go out of their way to meet people outside of school because you just didnt have many options. College has been a disaster because of this pandemic so theres that. Also demographics play a role too. I had a friend who went to school in a predominantly white, conservative, wealthy area. And as a woman of color, she was always bullied for her features and called ugly. But the moment she left that area and went somewhere more diverse and progressive, suddenly a bunch of people were showing interest in her and she also had better options. And finally you have living in a conservative brown family. I'd rather honestly die before having my parents find out that I talk to men or worse, have them meet the person I'm dating. And growing up I was basically like, ehh... I have too much on my plate already, I don't want to add sneaking around for a mediocre man to the list. Like it's not worth the hassle. So basically at the end of the day... I cant really complain tbh.

Yeah I found that happening at one point where I started getting attached to detachment and started developing a spiritual ego. Since then I decided that I was going to take a break from spiritual content and spirituality as a whole because I was basically picking at old wounds and I was using detachment as a way to avoid dealing with my needs. It can which is why I've been focusing more on self acceptance rather than just trying to fix things and change myself as my approach to development. But I also think me acknowledging my need for healing and a sense of gentleness is also really important instead of bypassing it. A lot of times, me desire to heal has come from a place of wanting to give myself a sense of peace rather than from a place of self deprecation. I also try to take breaks from this work so that it doesnt go towards that direction. I think a lot of that comes from the whole conversation about life during and after abuse and difficult situations. A lot of people write you off as dysfunctional, neurotic, or just plain crazy when you tell them what happened and how it's affecting you. Some of it is fair dont get me wrong. You need to confront and see unhealthy coping mechanisms for what they are. But sometimes it can interfere with the empathy you give yourself or the empathy others give to you because the line between judgement and discernment can get foggy at times. Because things like anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, they dont make a person toxic on it's own and those issues are perfectly valid and reasonable responses to the situation at hand. If they are reasonable responses, they arent something you have to fix in the sense that you have to get over them. Rather it's important to come from a place of acceptance and as a result it fixes itself. It really depends on the situation at hand. And yes, wholeness is our default state. But sometimes we can stray from that for whatever reasons. Sometimes it's unnecessary self judgement from being to critical of yourself and sometimes it's the surrounding environment and traumatic events. How you approach getting back to that default state is going to depend on what's causing you to be out of alignment in the first place.

Another side note because I'm coming up with new things and I'm realizing that I didnt think my main post through before writing: I think focusing on self development/mental health, school, friends, in that order has helped me stay out of trouble and over all has had a positive impact on my life. I just think that on the way there, because of things like my family circumstance, my school system, and over all economic pressure to perform, I developed some hang ups and limiting beliefs on the importance of romantic relationships and figuring out what I'm into. While I do have some idea as to what I want and what I'm willing to tolerate, I guess I'm trying to get to a place where I dont down play this thing and write it off as something an unneccessary waste of time.

Additional note: I genuinely don't get how people have the time and energy to go out super regularly (like multiple times a week) or date multiple people or have a fwb or two or more. By the time I'm done with the week, even though I'm not working all the time, I need time for myself to check in with myself, spend time with myself, take care of myself, and just be. As for friends, there are some I see on a regular basis but even then we might talk once every couple weeks and I might have something social planned like once a month. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to that but in general, at the end of the day or week, the last thing I want to do is spend more energy on talking to people. And now, since I'm not currently at school, even though I have all this free time on my hands, my first thought it "great I can spend more time on myself and healing shit" not "great I have time I can spend with people and now I can finally date." Because the first is treated like an essential while the later is treated like an add on.

Policing and Deprioritizing Intimacy I talked about my whole deal with priorities a while back in my main journal. Here is that entry: I also included a couple of key points I wanted to write about more today: I am noticing this whole feeling of me wasting my life by contemplating this very topic is coming up more. I feel like I could be more productive in pouring my energy else where if I wasn't contemplating what I liked and what I'm attracted to. Part of me thinks it isn't that important and again I'm just wasting my time. But I still find myself drawn to wanting to figure out this part of my life. And the whole thing feels exhausting but also natural.. It's exhausting in the sense that I find a lot of resistance in thinking about this but it also feels natural because I allow myself that space to let my wander. There is a sense of guilt that also comes with this. It isn't the typical puritanical type of guilt where you're sitting there feeling ashamed because you're unclean or unholy or some shit. But it's this thing that kicks in and invalidates any amount of work that I'm putting into myself and writing it off as "well you could have done something more useful, stop fucking around, this won't lead anywhere, why bother." This might be a cultural thing but I always felt that me being physically and emotionally intimate was heavily policed in my family. Firstly when it comes to romantic and sexual situations, it's an unwritten rule where basically if you bring it up it's going to make everything weird. You're not supposed to be doing anything with anyone in the first place, what do you mean you want to have a conversation about it? What's there to talk about? But even when it comes to friendship and family relationships, I was taught that I'm not allowed to open up to anyone who wasn't my parents because they are going to judge me, gossip about me, or backstab me. But parental influence aside, I always felt like I had too much on my plate. Guys were the last thing on my mind. First I have to figure out how to survive, cope, and heal in my toxic household so that I can move out in one piece. In the mean time I need to focus on school so I can get into a decent college with a scholarship that will cover everything so that I can have some type of leverage so my parents can let me move out. And finally I need to have some friends so I don't go completely insane in the process of all of this. College wasn't much better because I moved out a mess and I had to spend time cleaning that up only to be dragged back in again. Even prioritizing my mental health always seemed like a waste of time because the time I spent processing, feeling, and making sense of what I was going through, could have been spent on getting ahead academically and career wise. And god knows I'm not about to start meeting new people while there is still a pandemic around so I'm probably looking at another 2 years of hanging around and not doing anything sexually or romantically because I have a shitty immune system and I'm not about to get my parents sick because they are at risk. But guys and relationships. come on... I still have trouble prioritizing this because at least I know with friends and mental health that I know that it's going to pay off in the end. Men come and go and a lot of times relationships when you're young is a sure way to incur trauma. There isn't much upsides and there is a lot of risk. It isn't worth it. This has been my mentality for a long time and these were the messages I've been always sent. There is also this thing that I heard growing up which is when you get your life together, a romantic relationship will magically fall into place without trying. Take care of everything else and this aspect of your life will take care of itself. While there is some truth to that, not putting any effort into what you may or may not like and just being a hermit for 25+ years working on yourself and your life isn't exactly the answer either. Tbh even after writing all of this in this post and this journal, me contemplating this really feels like a waste of time. Especially writing this given that I don't have exciting experiences to share feels like a waste of time. Like I feel like I'm so in my head and so analytical on this subject that I take a sexy fun subject and make it deeply unsexy by sucking the fun out of it.

@Raphael @Gregory1 I appreciate it

Something that I've been observing in myself is how conservative I am when it comes to dealing with my personal life. I rarely act on impulse and I really think things through before doing anything. I am very risk adverse. I think a lot of it has to do with how I grew up. I grew up around a lot of adults that give shitty advice and who have made shitty life choices. As a result, I got this laundry list of things I shouldn't do. And while that is better than nothing, the reason why I have to think through everything is because just because you know what the wrong decisions are, doesnt mean you know what the right decision is. It's kind of like taking a multiple choice exam. You can either cross out all the wrong choice and arrive at the right answer through the process of elimination or you can decisively go with the right answer. The later is much more efficient and painfree. And I think that's the difference in making life decisions for people who grew up with little to no or bad guidance growing up and are aware of it versus people who has a healthy upbringing. I know listening to my parents is going to lead me straight to hell and I know so many paths to hell. But when it comes to figuring out where I want to go, I'm completely on my own. Its terrifying. Its overwhelming. And it is fucked up that I had to navigate things on my own emotionally for so long.

God I really just want a hug right now and some reassurance that things will be alright....like I feel really deprived of physical touch and emotional connection and tbh I feel wrong for feeling this way because part of me is like "no you cant lean on anyone except yourself stop being needy" and I'm really trying to deconstruct that.

Is it possible to get into a healthy fulfilling relationship even if your life isnt where you want it to be and you still have issues with anxiety and depression granted that you're good with being vigilant of red flags, a good judge of character, and have good boundaries?

Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized: Part 2 So from part 1, basically what I was getting at is that because of both racism and fatphobia, growing up I was seen as both undesirable as well as a fetish of sorts. In this part, I'm going to talk about how being sexualized has been at odds with me feeling like I can express myself and see myself as sexual. I think fetishization and sexualization are also at odds with feeling desired romantically and sexually because of the way you're dehumanized. Don't get me wrong, I like it when I'm approached by guys, complimented or hell even looked. When it comes to being looked at even in a sexual, it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the staring. I have seen hot guys too and I get the temptation to stare. But I have the decency of doing the shifty eye thing where you do quick glances at their direction and that's it. Staring on the other hand is fucking creepy and makes you feel like prey. I feel like even though staring and glancing can both have attraction attached to it, out of the two, staring (even when you do the bare minimum and don't yell weird shit( lacks empathy and social awareness because you aren't taking what the other person might be feeling in those circumstances. And basically, I think that element of empathy is what separates someone from seeing another person as beautiful and sexy vs being gross and objectifying them. I also have a bunch of outfits that I feel sexy in but I'm too afraid to wear them outside of my house because men are trash. It's just funny how if misogyny wasn't a thing, my outfits would probably be more revealing. Tbh, I'd probably be shirtless more often. But since that's not happening in my life time, I guess I'm stuck feeling envious of the guys who can just walk around shirtless with no one caring and I'm stuck thinking to myself *maybe I would have my tits out if people like you didn't exist* when a guy yells at me to flash him. I feel like because of the way I'm sexualized that I don't feel like I can express myself authentically. Like there is a safety concern that pops up. Because people, especially men, don't get nuance, I feel like if I were to express myself and embody my own sexuality more and put myself in a situation where I'm desired, if there is some weird or creepy shit that someone does, it would be justified with "wait isn't this what you wanted? Didn't you want the attention and to be desired?" There is also a part of me that can't take myself seriously as someone who is sexy or desirable. I think there is two parts on how I don't feel like I fit this archetype of seduction. I feel so silly because it's comical on how it isn't super authentic. It's one thing to not resonate with something because it doesn't feel authentic. That's fine. But the other factor that I would want to unpack is how this feels silly and comical. While I can laugh this off, I guess the reason why I'm laughing in the first place is because there is a part of my head that's subconsciously like "you don't seriously think you're like this are you? Like come on. No one would attracted to you of all people." I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I was seen as beautiful and sexy in an empathetic light that doesn't make me feel like I have to be vigilant on how I'm being treated.

Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized: Part 1 A heads up before I even start: This is going to be all over the place and may or may not make sense because I'm writing this out to organize my own thoughts and I'm low key confused myself. In other words, as I'm writing this, I feel like this spongebob meme: Something I've been thinking about in the past few days is how I feel like I'm often sexualized and looked at mainly through a sexual lens while also feeling incredibly ugly and undesirable to where I feel like I'm going to die a virgin. Basically, I feel like I can't be sexual but I often feel sexualized. And I feel like I can't admit to myself how I feel ugly and undesirable in the eyes of other people. My brain immediately points to "well you can't complain about feeling undesirable, I'm sure if you put yourself out there, plenty of people would want to fuck you. You're built like a Kardashian without trying. There are women out there who try to get surgery to get what you naturally have and there are men out there who like pictures of women on Instagram who are trying to emulate what you have and that pisses off their girlfriends." But I still feel ugly and undesirable. *sigh* There's a lot to unpack. If I were to summarize my thoughts without getting too messy and detailed, I would say this. The difference between being sexualized and being sexual comes down to consent. Being sexualized is something that is put onto you. Being sexual is something that you choose for yourself. Being desirable has it's root in empathy. I guess the only way all of this will make sense as it pertains to this weird complex I have is if I go chronologically. So I went to elementary school in a mainly white area. I remember getting the message of what it means to be beautiful really quickly, skinny, tall, blonde, blue eyes. I on the other hand was a short chubby brown kid, basically the opposite of the spectrum. And all of the kids, both girls and guys, just labelled me as ugly. They never pointed at one particular trait and laughed. They never even pointed in my brownness. They just thought I was ugly without any awareness that this might have a racial undertone. At that age I didn't even think it had anything to do with my ethnicity until I had to unpack this shit in therapy more than a decade later. Then I got to middle school. And I would say that the environment was pretty diverse. I would say that there are handful of experiences that basically foreshadowed the bs that I would have to deal with as an adult. One time I liked a guy and he rejected me. That sucked but I got over it. What caused me to get trauma from this incident and cry myself asleep a week later was when I found it's because he "only dates white girls." I was 12 and I had no idea how to handle this and my family definitely didn't help and my grandma insisted on trying to bleach my skin and get me to lose weight. Another time I guy liked me and I rejected him. It was kinda awkward because we were both socially awkward 13 year olds but it honestly wasn't that bad and I moved on with my life without a second thought an hour later. What actually made this uncomfortable was that a coupled months later I found out that this guy had a princess Jasmine fetish and basically had an Asian fetish mixed a white savior complex. (also now that I think about it, throughout middle and high school, most of the white girls had a boyfriend and some of the WOC who had Eurocentric features also were in relationships, the rest of us were single). So that was the race part. Now I'm going to talk about the way that my body developed. Growing up (and even now to a much lesser extent), I felt fat and as a result ugly. Looking back at old pictures, I really wasn't fat, just short and as a result a little squishy because my weight didn't distribute like the skinny tall kids. The standards of the early 2000s really messed with my head and I have written about that in the past. I also started physically developing at a earlier age. So while all of the other kids still looked like kids, I looked grown. And race doesn't help either since women of color tend to be seen as older at an earlier age and be robbed of their childhood in a way. And my curvier body on one hand was deemed disgusting by the standard of thinness and thigh gaps while at the same I had men twice my age look at me and yell vulgar things at me. And instead of having an adult guide me through this and explain to me what was going on, I instead had my mom call me a fat whore who's asking for it just by existing. She made sure I covered up and made sure I never ate too much. But even when I covered up and starved myself to a size zero in plain sight, my tits and my ass still remained. I still looked like a grown woman because of how I'm built. And even though I'm in college, I don't really get guys my age hitting on me. I always get approached by guys who are roughly a decade older than me. And even though I consider myself lucky that I have yet to run into someone super sketchy since all of these guys backed off after they found out how old I was, I also feel like I don't exist to guys my age romantically or sexually (I guess it's relevant to mention that I go to a predominantly white university where racism tends to run rampant). I brought this up with friends and they told me that " you don't look like a teenager or someone in their early 20s because of the way you're built." It's like even though these guys probably weren't creeps who were just looking to have sex and leave (tbh I don't even know because the conversation never lasted so long for me to figure out), I still felt sexualized I guess because of the way I was aged up and the way that reminded me of the shit dealt with growing up. I'm sometimes tempted to try to lose weight again just so I look my age but I remind myself that I tried that before and it didn't go over too well. After dealing with all of this, I still learned to see myself as beautiful. I genuinely think I'm beautiful. But I do have a hesitation when it comes to whether or not other people see me in that way. There is only so much you can heal in a toxic system.

Also note to self: I'm not saying that it's a good idea to seek out friends and partners solely for healing purposes and basically seeking out a free therapist. That's not a healthy way to go about it. Instead what I'm trying to say is that instead of going into full on hermit mode, you can still go out and connect to people while feeling like you have the emotional safety to lean on them and vent to them.

The Importance of Healing Relationships and Having Healthy Social Support I was talking to a friend about a few things and she started talking about her relationship with her boyfriend and his mom. She started talking about how his mom is basically her adopted mom at this point. She was talking about how his mom is actually emotionally supportive, genuinely likes having her around, is a place she can go to vent or get advice, and how she is still very much in contact with his mom despite them moving to a different country. She was talking about how she doesn't get any of that from her parents and I know I'm definitely on the same boat. Apparently she has a bunch of friends from college who come from similarly toxic brown households with a shit ton of generational trauma. They have a group chat where they talk about those things. One of the girls in the group chat basically shares any advice she gets from therapy to the rest of the girls and my friend shares wholesome stories about her boyfriend's family and the emotional support her boyfriend's mom gave her. Overall listening to this, I can say that I'm really happy for my friend. I started tearing up a little when she told me about her boyfriend's mom because I really wish I had an adult in my life I could go to for a sense of guidance. I feel like I've had to figure out too many things on my own and I'm exhausted from all of this emotional labor. Going to any of my family members for help usually results in more problems and trauma. I have a couple friends I can go to and while that helps to a certain extent, part of it feels like the blind leading the blind. Going back to the group chat I mentioned, we basically joked about how they all share one brain cell when it comes to trying to find ways to cope. I started talking about a couple other things and we got to the topic of my nonexistent dating life and how I trying to figure out whether it's good idea to put myself out there...like.. at all. On one hand it's important to get your shit together so you don't end up in a toxic situation but on the other hand, you can't always wait to be perfect because then it's basically avoidance at that point. This friend basically explained how she got into this relationship right before the pandemic when she was hitting a really low point after being stuck in the house with her parents all the time. Tbh, that is something I couldn't imagine doing and I told her that. She basically told me that as long as you can identify basic red flags and have some form of basic self awareness that I should be fine and that I should have more faith in my decision making because just because you're emotionally going through somethings, doesn't mean you're going to bring in terrible people and toxic situations. I really want to believe her but I have this instinct in me to isolate myself and work on myself because I'm too afraid of my vulnerabilities being taken advantage of. Part of me really believes that she was probably just lucky to get into a healthy relationship with a guy who grew up in a healthy household and that this isn't something that plays out often. I remember like months ago she was talking about her relationship and she was talking about how this guy is really emotionally supportive, encouraging, and validating. I remember listening to that and having it not click in my head because I was always under this impression that if I got into a relationship, I can't depend on the other person and that I have to be 100% self sufficient or else I'm considered a clingy mess who is going to attract toxic partners. That's the message I got growing up and also from self help. Granted, I'm not talking about a bottomless pit of needing validation and constantly needing to be around others but I think it can be destructive to think that all of your needs make you needy and you have to take 100% responsibility. Because if there is anything these conversations and my experience for the last year taught me it's that, you aren't supposed to be doing everything yourself, especially emotionally. That takes a toll on you in the long term. You're not supposed to be this lone wolf that copes with everything alone. And it really is a shame and it really is fucked up that I can't lean on my parents emotionally for anything. Because that's not normal. Not all families are as destructive as my own and this type of thing shouldn't be normalized. We talked about how there are people with healthy home environments who were hit by the pandemic but still came out of the situation not super traumatized because they had a decent support system who they could get support, validation, encouragement, empathy etc. But then there is me, my friend, and her group of traumatized friends who basically came out of it with a new flavor of crazy and emotional neglect causing this whole thing to be 10x worse for us emotionally. Like for the last year and a half I basically locked myself in a room and tried to avoid dealing with them because I felt emotionally unsafe in my own house.

I'm in a very ???? kind of mood at the moment. I'm just really in the mood for nuzzling into someone's neck, chest, or shoulders or have someone do the same to me. I also really want to hold onto someone's arm almost in a physically clingy way while holding his hand.

I really like this point. I feel like when it comes to conversations around consent, particularly in the context of sex, honoring other people's boundaries are talked about more than you respecting your own boundaries when it comes to body awareness. I really feel like body awareness isn't something that is spoken about enough if at all. Porn that is marketed toward women imo is a little better but really not by that much. It just feels like a softer version of mainstream porn without much difference. On one hand it does feel like better quality next to mainstream porn but on the other hand it still feels like the bare minimum. I really like this point and I agree. I think that having a good self image and a healthy attitude towards sex is the most important. Still working on the embodying part emotionally. Didn't realize how much I had to unpack and write out until I started this journal tbh.

I was trying to decide whether or not to post this but I decided to do it because a number of google searches still left me confused af and thought that this was important to discuss. And just in general, thought/comments/responses are always welcome. Ok this makes more sense thanks. I think i remember reading somewhere that a lot of the moodiness of the vagina can be tied to hormonal fluctuations and where you're at in your cycle. Definitely had the hand cramp thing happen to me lol. I'm thinking about getting a toy but not yet because my parents tend to go through my stuff and I don't want to deal with all of that lol. I relate to the whole think almost feeling non sexual. I think there is that element of getting attuned to stimulation with more experience that is important to consider. I didn't feel sore or numb, just really sleepy to where it didn't feel like I was dozing off in a relaxed way but more like knocking tf out as soon as I closed my eyes. Overall, I don't think I want to repeat that lmao. After writing all that down, I started to reflect more on what would even be considered pleasurable for me personally. There was a part of me after that whole incident that was like *great, I guess I'm boring in bed and lack stamina because I don't want to do this all night and because I'm satisfied with a couple orgasms instead of feeling the need to have more and more.* But there was another part of me that was like *wait.. no.. lets unpack that. Why does the length of the session, the intensity of an orgasm, and the number of orgasms you have all have to be metrics?* Because yeah I took my time with this whole thing and I came more than usual but I didn't come out of it feeling more satisfied than I normally would. And there have been times where I was satisfied with really short sessions that weren't super intense because that's what I was wanting at the moment. Maybe I should come up with my own metrics instead. I think porn and pop culture has a role in defining what "good sex" is supposed to look like and feel like especially when it comes to female pleasure. I think women tend to not be as disillusioned by all of this because of direct experience. Like no, it isn't going to feel good if you try to ram your dick inside of me with like 5 seconds of foreplay and no I'm probably not going to be moaning and screaming like a banshee. But there is still this notion that longer=better, more orgasms=better, more intensity= better when that isn't always the case and there is some gray area which is why communicating as well as figuring out what feels good to you personally is all the more important. That makes a lot of sense.

Warning!!! I'm going to go into more detail than usual on this post. Tbh I don't know how much of a warning is needed because I personally don't think that anything I'm writing about is particularly gross or scandalous but I thought I still put a warning there. Also, if other women have advice or clarification on this particular post, that is more than welcome because I for one have absolutely no clue what I'm going and I'm kind of confused lol. Multiple Orgasms? Am I Doing it Right? Ok, so right off the bat, when it comes to the topic of multiple orgasms, I get a little confused. Is it having multiple types of orgasms in one go? Is it having a single orgasm multiple times in a session? What does the same session even mean? I guess I can start off with my own experience for some context. Normally I stop after maybe 1 or 2. Most of the time I find myself feeling too exhausted and sensitive to continue. Sometimes a little overstimulation is nice but it can be overdone and not so fun. I can do more than 2 if the orgasms I'm having aren't super intense. My regular orgasm is just a standard clitoral one and the way it plays out for me is that I orgasm. Initially it feels really intense and it lasts for a minute. I feel it throughout my whole body and I know I did a good job when I really feel the rush in my arms. I'm not left completely shaking but my legs do feel that way for a couple minutes. And then when the initial high wears off, I get this gentle pulsating feeling throughout the rest of my body for another 15-20 or so minutes (the longest I felt it was 40 minutes). As it fades out, it feels more gentle and relaxing. And during this time, I can't really do anything without feeling overstimulated. I guess I could do a form of penetration but I'll get to that in a minute. Basically this whole ordeal from me doing what I need to do to turn myself on, to me orgasming, to me slowing down , to me finally feeling like I can continue again without feeling over stimulated can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half depending on how fast or slow I want to take it (on average I take like 40-50 minutes). But yeah the whole thing is time consuming and intense and I don't know how people can do this 5+ times. To be honest, I don't even know whether or not this what I'm experiencing is even considered intense because I don't have a frame of reference and I only know through the context of my own experience and this is what is normal for me. Then there is the whole thing with penetration. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong but it just doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel bad either but it's not something that really stimulates me. Like I've found my whole g spot and everything but it was anti-climactic (literally) and didn't make much of a difference. Also, I can't put more than two fingers inside without it feeling like I don't have much room. The thought of anything other than my own tiny fingers going in there freaks me out a little. Like I get that being too small isn't much of a concern considering I should technically be able to have a baby come out of there and that this might be because I'm not properly aroused. But at the same time, I don't think a lack of arousal, a lack of self trust, or limiting beliefs around sex is the problem. Maybe I'm just not used to having things enter me and that's something that I need to slowly ease myself into? Because 90% of the time, I'm just focused on the outside because I'm used to getting clitoral orgasms and I feel like focusing on penetration just makes the process of orgasming longer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I tried to do this thing last night where instead of stopping at my usual 1 or 2, I went for 4. At the end of it, my legs felt super wobbly and I didn't want to do anything anymore. It didn't hurt but it felt weird to walk. My legs felt like jello. I went to the bathroom, washed up, took out my contacts, and as soon as my head hit the pillow I fell asleep. I woke up and I did sleep 8 hours but I woke up still feeling exhausted. My legs still felt like jello for the rest of the day but it wasn't as bad as last night and I could pretty much do anything without it looking weird (hell, it's been like 24 hours and my legs still don't feel normal). But yeah... even though that felt nice at the moment, I don't think I want to repeat that. Actually scratch that, after the 3rd time, part of me wanted to stop because it felt like too much. Again, I don't know if I'm doing this wrong. I don't know if I take a weirdly long time in between having an orgasm and then being able to continue again. I don't know if all of this can be considered part of the same "session" or if this would be considered 4 separate ones. I don't know if being this tight is normal or if penetration just feels different when you're going it with someone else and if that makes a difference in how many times you orgasm and how quickly you get turned on. And finally I DON'T KNOW HOW TF SOME PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN 5 ORGASMS. Either yall are having a bunch of tiny orgasms yall quickly recover from and you need more because you aren't satisfied yet or some people are lying because that's what my direct experience is pointing towards.

This is tangentially related the previous post in the way it talks about different milestones, relationships, growing up, and being a "late bloomer" whatever the fuck that means (and how it isn't a bad thing). I also remembered that I have this quote saved on my phone. I have no idea where it's from and I probably jotted down at 2 am because something resonated with me.

Infantilizing Lack of Experience This is something that really rubs me the wrong way. I've been in two separate instances where when a person found out I was inexperienced they reacted with "awww you're so innocent and pure." Idk, I also think it's relevant to add that this was said by two girls my age back when I was in high school. My thing is, why would having sex make you any less pure or any less innocent? I get that some people decide to be more sexually active at a younger age because they feel ready and that's perfectly fine. But it's still important to consider that even if you decide to be active at a young age, it's still important to know that you're still a kid. And I don't mean that in a condescending way but I mean that in the sense that having sex doesn't make you any less innocent/ pure. Especially if you're a woman. I want to emphasize the last part because of the way people tend to shame women and think their value drops because they "have been ran through." Like ok, you're 15 and you wanted to have sex. That's fine and valid. But you're a 15 year old who decided to have sex, that's it. You're not a grown woman and nor should you have the expectations or all the experiences of being a grown woman on your shoulders before you're ready and mature enough to handle them. You're not grown and you're definitely not "fast." I feel like this is also a huge issue in a lot of POC communities where WOC are sexualized and aged up even when they are still kids. I think that when you're a teenager or young adult, there are some people who have this pseudomaturity complex thing going on where they think they are all grown up because they are drinking, smoking, and/or having sex. I'm sure most people grow out of this eventually, but I have met people who think I'm boring or childlike because I don't engage in these things. Usually I brush it off because those people are usually not the types of people I want to deal with anyway. Like great...you're getting laid. It's not a personality trait lol. But what I'll admit gets to me is how people view losing your virginity as a rite of passage of sorts (especially for men). It's really silly but sometimes I feel that because I haven't done anything sexual, that it makes me emotionally stunted or undeveloped. I kind of reassure myself by reminding myself how that doesn't even make sense because I technically didn't even want to have sex until recently. And even if I did want to have sex, I didn't have access to birth control so I wouldn't be able to act on those desires in a safe, nonanxiety inducing way. This is a tangent of sorts but when you're asexual, one of the issues I ran into was that there were some people who assume that you're childish or a saint of some sort because of your orientation. And it always struck me as so weird. Like, why would you put me on a pedestal for not having urges and not feeling attraction or why would you think I'm childish based on what I do with my body? But yeah, I feel like after a certain age, there is more pressure to run through these milestones more quickly. There are people who I've encountered who had this attitude of "just get this over with and grow up." Again, this rubs me the wrong way. I don't want to do anything until I feel ready. I feel like if I were to do anything before I'm ready, it would be nonconsensual in a way. It wouldn't be in the traditional way where the other person violates my boundaries but more so along the lines I violated my own boundaries by not listening to my intuition and forcing myself into a situation I technically didn't want to be in and only did so because I felt this rush of peer pressure to act on it to "get it over with." Also the way the media spins things definitely doesn't help either. It's like every coming of age movie basically has sex and relationships as a major component. Let's just say that I know plenty of people whose teens and early 20s don't look like a coming of age movies and are mainly filled with being stressed about school, work, and family instead. Maybe it's my social circle idk. Again, this thing is much worse for men because your masculinity it tied to it. Which again.. fucked up for a variety of reasons. Not only is losing you virginity a rite of passage but it's like a badge of masculinity of sorts. Sometimes I get the idea that guys who really internalize this sense of thinking and when that's mixed with insecurity, they end up seeing women as conquests instead of people. Which leads to all sorts of creepy and desperate behaviors that often make women feel pressured to be in situations or just straight up assaulted. Like this whole thing really messes with people and can lead to a variety of mental health issues and a bunch of people feeling super unsafe. And for what? To be seen as a man? To be seen as grown? I feel like this post is a little all over the place and that its a conglomeration of a bunch or random thoughts in the subject. I know that I talked a lot about how sex makes people feel grown and not a lot about how not having sex makes people feel like kids in a sense. But basically it's two sides of the same coin. I guess I just needed to vent because my lack of experience makes me feel like I'm less of an adult and that I'm naive / childish / don't know what I'm talking about.

I would also add having meaningful and healthy relationships along with hobbies

The Relationship Between Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter I described different sides to my sexuality and labeled them as different seasons as I saw them fit. Something that I like to do when I'm reflecting on my emotions or a certain aspect of my personality is that I like to personify that aspect. By personifying that aspect, I feel like I'm better at picking up more nuances and sensing broader themes. I was inspired to take this approach after I watch the movie Inside Out which follows this one girl who has these emotions that are personified into different characters. And the way that the characters interact with one another and the way that these characters feel are all a metaphor of what is happening emotionally with this girl. Basically Pixar was like ***What if feelings HAD FEELINGS?!?!?!**** and I love them for that. Being Externally Focused vs Being Inwardly Focused If Spring, Summer Fall and Winter were people, this is how I think they'd fall under the whole introversion/ extroversion spectrum. Spring is an introvert. She's shy and she ends up blushing easily. And even though she enjoys her alone time, Spring also really values the few connections that she does have. She is very quality over quantity. Summer is an extrovert. She's gets a thrill out of putting herself out there and she wants to go out frequently. She's impulsive and bold and she tries to get the other seasons out of their comfort zone. Fall is an introvert. She isn't so much shy as she is more so pensive. She has a more intense energy and people tend to have strong reactions when they first see her. Either they are overwhelmed and feel the need to stay back or their curiosity is ignited and they want to come closer. Either way, she doesn't have to do much to get people to act this way. Winter is an ambivert. She comes across as an introvert because of how much she values minding her own business but there is a sense of being externally focused because she is someone who is assertive in her own work. The Ways They Don't Appeal to the Male Gaze and Sometimes Get Backlash I always felt that the male gaze has a tendency of oversimplifying female sexuality and it typically falls into the whole madonna/whore complex. I tried to describe different aspects of my personality to break out of this and have a more nuanced view of myself. And in doing so, I noticed on how each aspect themselves are complex and how if each of the seasons were people, people would lose their god damn minds. Spring looks like the poster child for traditional femininity. She is docile, she would rather not sleep around, and she has this sweetness to her. Guys, particularly the ones that don't want any form of emotional connection get irritated. They tend to write her off as boring, as prude, or assume that she's religious. Or worse, in some cases they try to infantilize her or fetishize her lack of experience. Spring doesn't care most of the time but sometimes it gets to her. She still stays firm in her boundaries because she knows exactly how vulnerable this whole thing is for her and she wants to do what's healthy for her. Summer is the party girl that gets written off as a whore with no standards. People mainly assume this about her without knowing her at all and by simply looking the way her body is shaped and the way that she chooses to dress even though it isn't true. In addition to that, she sometimes has to deal with comments of how vain and how fake her look is and how her hair, her makeup, and her nails to impress men. People also sometimes feel the need to tell her how men prefer the more natural look and how her look repels men. Summer really doesn't care. She's just focused on being her authentic self loudly. But behind the confidence, sometimes she's afraid of the potential consequences of being so unapologetic Fall is the one that looks scary because she has a resting bitch face most of the time. Men keep telling her to smile more or they try to take a hit on her femininity on the notion that she isn't delicate enough or submissive enough and that's why men don't want her. They accuse her of being too masculine but Fall thinks these people are stupid because they have such limited notions of masculinity and femininity to where they only see them in binaries. On a good day, Fall finds a sense of enjoyment in purposefully pissing men like this off. On a bad day, she wants to retreat back and remove herself from the situation using her unavailability as a coping mechanism. Winter is the one who insists on working on herself, having boundaries, and minding her own business. There is this sense of shame that can come from a woman taking time for herself or engaging in self pleasure. It's threatening to the people who believe that the ideal woman is someone who keeps giving without expecting anything in return. It's threatening to the people who view female sexuality as dirty. By some, she gets written off as being sinful. By some she gets written off as not feminine enough because of her boundaries. And by some, she gets labeled as too sentimental because of the amount of time she spends on herself. Winter copes with this by remaining private about her life. People can't judge what they don't know. Again, for better and for worse, she minds her own business Taking a More Submissive role vs a More Dominant Role Spring is the most submissive out of all of the seasons. She likes it when someone takes the lead and is gentle with her so she doesn't feel like she has to do this whole thing on her own. She likes to lie back and be admired and let people come to her. She plays up the traditional dynamics. Summer is more experimental and likes to switch between being more submissive and being more dominant. It really depends on the day as a lot of Summer's approach is rooted in spontaneity. But even when she is submissive, her assertiveness comes out in the form of intensity. She leans assertive Fall is the most dominant out of all of the seasons. She enjoys taking control and has a commanding presence. She likes having an active role during sex even when in occasion she gives back control to others. She contradicts traditional dynamics and likes challenging people emotionally. Winter switches between being more submissive and being more dominant like Summer. While Summer leans assertive, Winter leans toward giving into whatever she is experiencing even though she is taking an active role in the experience All of the Seasons are Comfortable with Sex Spring can come off as the type to repress but she's comfortable with sex, just really selective with who she shares that side. Summer doesn't care. She isn't promiscuous but she is very open about discussing these topics and expressing herself. Fall's comfort around sex comes from a sense of curiosity and open-mindedness. Winter enjoys taking time to figure out what she likes and strengthening her relationship to herself. It's almost a spiritual/replenishing experience. And they are all different aspects of the same goddamn person.

My Relationship With Porn Part 2: A Healthier Form of Porn I don't see porn as something that would be gone in a conscious society. I think it can be an incredibly beautiful of capturing intimacy. I sometimes feel that the beauty aspect of the whole thing is often lost in the process. Again, there needs to be a lot of conversations and a lot of unpacking around racism and fetishizing people. There needs to be more conversation around consent. There needs to be better treatment for sex workers. I also feel that a lot of porn that is usually geared towards women tends to do a better job at dealing with these things. Mainstream porn isn't something that I find particularly exciting and while porn isn't usually my go to, the porn that are usually geared towards women tends to be better quality imo. Even though I talked a lot about the negative aspects of porn, I will say that I feel like dabbling in it a little bit has helped figure out what to do, what I might like, and things I want to try. It helped me explore things more when I was in a situation when I couldn't really do that. And that exploration helped me be more in touch with my sexuality as a whole. I think moderation and regulation is more or less the name of the game. I think that things like camming and having an only fans also helped. I don't know much about the adult film industry before the internet simply because I wasn't around back then but I'm pretty sure that filming something yourself and then uploading that on your own accord is much safer than meeting up in some shady back alley. I can't say that I know a lot of the exploitation in the industry, how things have changed over the years, and the exact problems we have today but this is the general impression I'm getting. Idk tbh and if anyone is willing to educate me more on this or point me towards some resources, I'd be happy to check it out. Porn isn't something that's going to disappear. It's something that is going to continue to evolve. Like I'm pretty sure there are even cave paintings of people having sex. I know damn well that people use to use art and literature as a way of expressing themselves and their desires. It's something that pretty much every civilization indulged in: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_erotic_depictions. And I think that to make porn more human is to bring back a sense of beauty and artistic flair or dare I say spirituality and intimacy back into the picture. The end product doesn't have to be something that is super gentle or censored or has this huge plot attached to it. It can be short, intense and vulgar even. But I think humanizing something and incorporating a sense of intimacy means to have a holistic and integrated view on it. I'm pretty sure I sound like a broken record but again, it's about the over all vibe and emotional energy that is put out there. I know I talked about this before on how I find porn boring and hell unstimulating but I feel that mainstream porn has such a focus on how the person having sex looks and not enough focus on how the whole thing physically feels, emotionally feels, what the set is like, the noises (like the amount that the women scream and the lack of men moaning is honestly just not it) etc. Camera shots are also incredibly important. For me, a huge close up on a penis ramming into a vagina does nothing to me. Instead, show me decent foreplay. Show me people actually making out for a while and have that build up instead of showing a guy force his tongue down a woman's throat for 3 seconds and then fucking her right away. Show me the way a man grabs a woman's wrist (or just the way a man uses his hands in general. Like it isn't about the hands themselves but it's what he does with them). Show me the way people embrace one another or the way their fingers interlock. Show me the way someone gets pushed down and the way they feel the weight of the other person on top of them. Show me the fear, the comfort, the melancholy, the pleasure, the pain, the excitement, the love that is in a person's eyes. Show me the heavy breathing. Show me the way people melt into one another. Show me something more than a bunch of naked people and a few penises and vaginas. That's the problem with mainstream porn in my opinion. It shows a lot naked bodies doing things but it doesn't reveal all that much. I don't think mainstream porn is revealing enough or stimulating enough. Personally given that a lot internet porn is boring af to me, I find myself resorting to audio, something to read, or just my own imagination instead. Recently, however, I've been cutting back on even reading things and relying more heavily on my own imagination. I have a couple of reasons for this. One is that I think it would be more helpful if I didn't have any outside influences muddying the waters of what I'm into. I want to see what I come up with organically without outside inspiration. The other reason is because I've been really sexually frustrated lately to where these things feel like they are reinforcing this idea that sex is something that isn't for me and that it’s something for other people. It hasn’t been the most emotionally healthy thing for me lately and I feel like there is a lot to unpack there before I do anything.

My Relationship With Porn I feel like this topic is a natural transition considering on how my last post was on NoFap, my opinions on it, and how there is a lot of discussion around misusing porn and getting an addiction from it in NoFap spaces. I think it would be best to break this thing down chronologically. So I first got exposed to porn when I was 13/14 years old. I didn't care for it all that much. I watched a couple videos here and there just out of pure curiosity. But I will say that I got on the rough sex section really easily and I wasn't mature enough to handle what I was seeing and the messed up what I thought was supposed to be pleasurable for a few years. I wrote about the normalization of rough sex and my experience with it in another post on this journal: Then at 14, that's when I found out asexuality was a thing and I had a strong suspicion that it was a label that applied to me. But I didn't want to go around telling I was asexual without contemplating this on my own. In addition to me contemplating and figuring out whether or not I felt sexual attraction, 14 year old me thought it was a ~*brilliant*~ idea to go on a porn binge. Basically my logic was *what if I watched a bunch of different videos in different categories to see if any thing turns me on and if nothing turns me on I guess I really am asexual.* Because what if I'm not asexual and I just have a really weird fetish or kink that I never knew about. Honestly, this binge left me feeling really drained and simply bored out of my god damn mind. It was awful. There was nothing pleasurable about it. And with this experience I concluded that I must be asexual because literally nothing that I watched during that binge turned me on in the slightest. Around 15/16 or so, I had a lot of body image issues. I think one time I saw a picture of Mia Khalifa in just regular clothes and I was like *you know what, low key we have a similar body type.* It's REALLY weird. She's like the same height and weight and she even has the same shoe size as me. The only difference is that her boobs are fake and she has abs and I don't have abs but my boobs are real. I guess you win some and you lose some lol. I watched a couple of her videos and I didn't get turned on (again, mind you I still identified as asexual) but I did get this sense of *I am seeing myself in this situation.* I started watching more porn as this weird sense of validation because women who physically had similar body types as me be seen in a desirable light. Because often times in the media, being really skinny and often really tall is seen as the ideal. And I am neither one of those things. And while porn got me out of this loop I had playing in my head of how ugly I looked and how disgusting my body was, I still didn't see myself as beautiful. It's messed up on how depiction of curvier women, even outside of porn, when they are portrayed in a positive light, it is always the light of sexiness rather than beauty. Sometimes it feels like there are two sides. Either you're being told that you're a fatty that needs to lose weight or no one will ever find you attractive or it's people staring at you from a young age and mainly focusing on your ass and tits and then you get told to covered up because now you're a whore who is asking for it. Also around 15 or so, I would use porn as a way to motivate myself to work out and eat better and it's so messed up in hindsight. I'm experiencing a lot of cringe when I write this paragraph out. But it reinforced this idea that I have to look a certain way to be seen as desirable and worthy of intimacy. I guess at the time it felt like a better, more realistic alternative. Because my body is closer to Mia Khalifa than it is to the average Victoria Secret model. It felt like watching my body but like an optimized version of it. This whole body image thing can be a post of it's own tbh. But the bottom line is that I went from seeing myself through this lens of ugliness to this lens of objectification. Both are dehumanizing. From like 17 and on wards, I didn't (and currently don't) watch a lot of porn. I have reasons for this. First of all, there is the racism aspect. Especially when it comes to the dehumanization of black men and just reducing them down to their dicks and there being this whole fetish on dark skinned black men fucking really tiny pale petite blonde women just is ewwwwww....... There is a lot of unpack here and that can be it's own post. I feel like whenever I watch porn, I need to watch white people porn to avoid dealing with the whole fetishization aspect. But then that also reinforces a lot of racial standards around beauty and desirability so there is no winning. Second there is the boredom aspect of it. I mentioned that porn made me bored out of my god damn mind earlier in this post. While me identifying as asexual has a huge part in it, I think the male gaze also has a large impact. There is a quote that I feel sums things up well. It goes along the lines of "when you watch porn, you're not watching a man and a woman, you're watching a penis and a vagina." And that really resonates with me. A lot of straight porn feels like it's devoid of connection and chemistry. It also doesn't do a good job on depicting pleasure for women because that isn't the audience that is usually kept in mind during shooting. I remember reading and article on why straight women often prefer lesbian porn over straight porn. A lot of it has to do with how lesbian porn has more of an emphasis on foreplay, giving/receiving oral, and things that actually make women cum. I mean, most women don't climax with penetration alone and when it comes to straight porn, penetration is the main thing that is depicted. Also related to the boredom aspect, there isn't much of an emphasis on the guy at all. Half of the time the guy is fucking ugly and the other half of the time he's just a penis and there is nothing that is there that would appeal to a woman's senses in the situation of watching a video. And as a result, I find myself getting bored and critiquing the interior design of the set and why the curtains don't match the rug literally. I would also say that blow job scenes do absolutely nothing for me. I think it would be fun to give one but watching someone else give one is boring. I would say that I wish they had a female pov but honestly, I just end up thinking about this meme about what you see vs what she sees: I would also say that I wish there was more of a plot and a sense of context in porn but then again knowing how notoriously bad porn acting is, I think I'll pass. But then again, you can create a feeling of intimacy and focus on how something feels rather than what something looks like through the way scenes are shot and what kinds of positions people are in. I really think there is a lot of things in porn that looks good on camera but probably wouldn't feel as good physically. Ok on second thought maybe we should have more bad acting and plot devices in porn because this is hilarious. This guy seems so genuinely confused and is giving me himbo energy. I love this. The comments on this video also kill me. And finally, there is the exploitation part of it. The whole industry is shady. There is a lot of revenge porn out there. There are people who get pressured to do certain scenes. And the whole thing just doesn't feel right. That's not to demonize porn but it's to point out on how badly sex workers get treated and how things get leaked without people's consent (another post for another day). Every now and then I do watch it just for something quick or some inspiration for my own imagination. Usually I don't watch more than a couple videos every other week or so. I've found other things that work for me. There isn't really a dependence or an addiction surrounding porn for me. I can go weeks and months without watching it and I'd be fine and I wouldn't have any cravings or a sense of repression because of it. I don't think there is inherently anything wrong with porn. I do think there needs to be more education around porn and what it depicts along with better practices in the industry. Imma do a part 2.

Just wanted to cross a few things out to see how much ground I'm covering when it comes to the things I want to talk about. It's been a little more than 2 weeks since I jotted this list down quickly. Even though I didn't have a specific post related to each of these items, there are posts that I really go into it to where I do end up expressing most of the thoughts I wanted to express.