soos_mite_ah

Memories that Haunt Me Ok so there is this memory from when I was 9 that has been haunting me since 2016 or so. It was January 2009. Obama just got elected president. I'm chillin in the 3rd grade and we were doing the unit on slavery, Jim Crowe, and segregation in history class. My teacher rolls out the TV on one of those rolly stand things, sits the entire class down, and had us watch the entire inauguration. Again, I was 9. I knew the bare bones basics of racism and didn't get the whole systemic aspect of it as much. I remember thinking *huh interesting, I'm alive to see the first black president. It really wasn't that long ago since segregation was a thing. That's so crazy for people who were alive back then to be able to see this now.* I also started thinking about other historical events we discussed in school ranging from wars, inventions, little fun facts, things of that nature. After the inauguration, we basically had a discussion as a class. I remember saying this. "I wonder what other historical events I'm going to live through in my life." And I remember exactly the feeling that was going through me. It was this feeling of anticipation and excitement. Part of the issue with history I remember encountering at that age was that all of the grand stories happened before I was born. As a result, I remember feeling this detachment from the reality of those events whether it was super positive like the first airplane being built or super chaotic like the Civil War. That disconnect kind of made history boring and unrelatable. Plus in hindsight, I was a literal child. There was only so much that I could empathize with and there was only so much the adults would tell us because when you're teaching history to kids, you don't want to leave things out but you want to present them in a way that it's age appropriate so you don't end up scarring them since young children can only process so much. At the end of the day, I came back from school and I turned on the TV as usual to watch cartoons. I flipped it to PBS Kids because I wanted to watch Arthur. And there was Obama. I flipped through all of the other channels whether they be kids channels or not and everyone was talking about Obama. Not gonna lie, I remember feeling slightly annoyed. Like, again, I'm just trying to watch Arthur. I also remember thinking *you know I get that this is important, but damn, guess it's REALLY important.* I was at the age where I saw politics as an old person thing and the thing that we would try to get the parents talking about right before we were about to leave our friend's house so that they would get into a discussion and we would have extra time to play. The next day I go to school and I start talking to some of the kids in my class and they also had the same experiences with trying to watch TV and just encountering Obama everywhere they looked. I just remember one kid saying "It's like wherever you look THERE HE IS ~~***OBAMA***~~. YOU CAN'T ESCAPE OBAMA." And then we kind of tried to brain storm what other significant historic events we would go through because we were in this mood of THIS IS SO EXCITING I'M ACTUALLY EXPERIENCING A HISTORIC EVENT IN REAL TIME THAT I'M GOING TO REMEMBER WHEN I GROW UP!!!! HISTORY IS SO COOL!!!! Some of the things we came up with were wars, bombs, protests, zombie apocalypse, flying cars, aliens, or really any invention we saw in the Meet the Robinsons. Oh yeah, we also thought of the world ending in 2012 and the natural disasters that would happen because that was something that was on TV every now and then. We were basically trying to come up with the most dramatic thing we could think of that we would all be affected by. I also remember watching the news every now and then with my parents. Things that would come up over and over included the swine flu, the economy being a mess, old people arguing about health care, and some conflict that was happening in the Middle East. And as a child, I didn't know what was happening for the most part. It all felt like background noise to a certain extent because of my lack of awareness as a kid. But every now and then I would look at this background noise. I still didn't get it but I would think.... whatever is all on the news today is going to be what my kids are going to have to learn in school in the future. Anyway, so fast forward to November 2016. I was 17 years old. Trump got elected. I didn't even check the news that morning because I was running late. I went to sleep the night before thinking *ya know, my girl Hillary got it in the bag. Everything will return back to normal. This will all be a funny memory." I get to the bus and the whole mood was really gloomy. I'm not even trying to make this up but it was actually cloudy and rainy outside as well. There were some people angry, some in shock, some depressed. Basically people were going through the stages of grief. And I remember thinking.... oh no... I'm living through a historical event... oh no.... 2016 was a chaotic year and given Trump was now president, the circus wasn't about to leave town anytime soon. I just knew that a domino effect will happen and I will have to deal with a string of historical events because we have an unhinged mad man in the office. It honestly felt like I entered into a different time line... because honestly WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Seriously. I remember people would joke about how Leonardo DiCaprio finally winning an Oscar threw off the time line and that resulted in opening this Pandora's box of chaos which turned into 2016. Then my mind immediately went to that memory from the 3rd grade and all I thought was how I wanted to get off that ride. I started getting why adults just wanted a peaceful uneventful life. And 17 year old me really thought that was going to be worst of it. All I can say to her is this: At this point, I'm living through a plague. The ocean was on fire. The billionaire are having a space race. There is a labor shortage. All types of shit is happening. And if I hear the word *unprecedented* one more god damn time I'm going to lose it. The main thing I can think of now is going up to that 9 year old kid and saying "you're going to have to deal with more historical events than you can think of and it will be exciting all right." But I'm not going to say it with enthusiasm. I'm going to make sure the kid can hear the exhaustion in my voice and see it as a warning lol. However, knowing how I was like back then, that kid will ask me if I turned into one of those adults who are tired all the time and if so why I'm like that. To that I would answer that this is what happens when you go through too many historical events at once. And tbh, that kid would probably think that's interesting and would want to continue talking but I would have to tell that kid on how time travel works and how I can't tell her too much. She would understand that. I remember growing up I had this interest with time travel and I would watch Back to the Future over and over again. So basically, I knew how this shit worked as a kid and the whole deal with alternate time lines lol. To my 17 year old self, I would just tell her that things are going to be really weird for a really long time. Like, you can't even imagine how weird it's going to get. And I know she'll start panicking and getting triggered to which I will reassure her with memes and try to make this thing in a funny situation because that's how she coped with things. I would also reassure her by telling her that Trump will be a 1 term president. Then I would bounce the moment she starts asking about how my life is going now.

I'm just venting and I really need to get this off of my chest. I find myself getting really quiet and shutting myself out when I feel like I don't have much in common. I don't necessarily feel anxious but I feel like I can't relate and as a result I have nothing to say and then consequently I don't really act like myself. These interactions also feel super forced. I also feel like these interactions feel super awkward and in a weird way it makes me feel like I don't have a personality or interests. I know I'm probably internalizing the fact that I don't click with everyone as some type of personal failure like that must mean that there is something defective about me (not interesting enough, not charismatic enough, lacking in social skills etc.) Also, it feels like forever since I have clicked with someone based on a common interest. I know it isn't my fault because I've been locked in the house for over a year but even though I'm normally really comfortable with being alone, lately it just feels really isolating. I genuinely crave relating people on an in person basis and sometimes I feel like I'm never going to find people I click with or find my tribe/niche. And on top of wanting to relate to people, I really just want to feel like myself again when it comes to social situations because I know that when I'm around people that I have things in common with, I'm much more open, much more out there, and just much more like the best version of myself for a lack of a better way of putting it. Is this normal? Is it normal to not feel like you can be yourself and open up unless you feel like you have things in common with people?

The Lolita Resurgence OH NO OH NO NOT THIS THING AGAIN I THOUGHT WE WERE PASSED THIS TREND I THOUGHT WE ALREADY LAID THIS SHIT TO REST YEARS AGO I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS OH HELL NO NOPE WHY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!?!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Ok, internal screaming aside, I did actually like the analysis on this video anyway.... I'm going to tackle the whole lolita thing later Found something else that I want to discuss first.

Ok I found the thread I was looking for. I especially appreciate flowboy's, Etherial Cat's and aurum's comments/input.

Just a Tiny Rant I don't know why but the phrases "stimulate her emotions" or "spike her emotions" feels really weird and off to me. I see it be thrown around in the dating section. LIKE SIR do you just mean connect with her as a person, have a baseline of chemistry, and have a personality? That feels like the bare minimum. And if the chemistry or connection isn't there or yall's personality doesn't mesh for what ever reason, that isn't anyone's fault. It's just incompatibility tbh. No one is doing anything wrong (unless it's the case where someone feels emotionally uncomfortable to where they feel unsafe in a way, that's different). Happens on the platonic, romantic, and sexual level all the time. Nothing personal. Also, if I remember correctly, someone did talk about how looking at relationships solely through the lens of survival rather than love, intimacy, and connection can be detrimental and can cause misanthropic / misogynistic tendencies on this forum. That really resonated with me. I get that technically everything is survival and that isn't a bad thing but sometimes I feel that when people use the term survival, they use it as a short hand to lump everything together as "petty human shit." And because everything is lumped together, there isn't much nuance and there is a tendency for false equivalency where people lump together emotional intimacy and wanting big titties into the same blob of category that is survival. There is this trivialization that is in play. The way it's used is that it down plays the very human need for emotional connection and sees it as this "feminine thing" while justifying objectivation by not going into how harmful it is at the same time. I don't know if I'm articulating this well. Idk, I have a hard time believing that it's a masculine/man thing to not care about emotional connection and intimacy and that men and women are at odds at this. That attitude also reeks of the "boys will be boys", "men are from Mars, women are from Venus", "men and women are fundamentally different" vibes. I get that emotional connection is seen as feminine because of the way vulnerability is stigmatized for men, but it just feels wrong to gender a human need. (I know that masculinity and femininity are gender neutral but they do have heavy connotations with each gender).

My mouth feels bored. I want to wrap my lips around something and/or have my tongue played with. I have a variety of things in mind.

I felt like taking this post that I made in one of my other journals and include it here. I just started thinking of this specific post after making the post on being conventionally attractive as well as what I personally find attractive.

@Alfonsoo I mean my recommendations are skewed towards my own tastes but personally I like anime, watching commentary youtube videos, astrology and tarot readings, listening to music, and looking at a shit ton of memes. Tbh, I'm not much of a fiction person. I'm just listing out things that I find entertaining and that I find value even though there isn't a direct link between it and self development. Honestly, I don't think it would be helpful for me to give specific recommendations. I think it's better to allow yourself to go towards what you feel drawn towards and let yourself explore from there. I liked the perspective on these videos a lot.

That number sounds incredibly high. I think it's skewed because even though women are affectionate with one another whether that is emotionally connecting to one another, feeling comfortable with physical touch like hugging and cuddling, or hyping each other up by complimenting each other, it doesn't mean they are sexually attracted to each other. A lot of the things that close female friends do with one another are seen as very normal but if the gender was flipped and they were men doing the same thing, it would be seen as gay.

You could use those forms of media to expand your critical thinking skills on how characters relate to one another and how they relate to broader themes in the story. You could use it to expand your empathy and imagination which fiction is really good for. You could use it to explore your own emotions as well. Those are the first things that pop up in my mind. Overall, just let yourself be and enjoy things. You don't have to be hype fixated on growth and actualization to derive valuable experiences.

I mean... I'm not sure if this helps since I can't speak on women as a collective but I can explain my pov on things as a woman if that makes sense. I do delve into similar topics and my perspective on attraction physically and emotionally in my journal. Here's the link to said journal. Feel free to ask me any questions that come up. Again, while I can't speak for all women, I am speaking from my personal experience as a woman.

Physical Things I Find Attractive Just really feel like journaling about this tbh. I'm also going to be organizing this in terms of sexual attraction, sensual attraction, and aesthetic attraction. Aesthetic Attraction: Big Noses I feel like big noses really adds character to people's faces. Often times it adds an element of uniqueness which I really admire. It's like a mountain on a person's face. I get that sounds like an insult because of Eurocentric beauty standards but if you think about it, most people don't find mountains ugly. They are often seen as majestic and personally that's how I feel about larger noses. I especially like larger noses with the little bump on them. I think that's really cute and endearing but also people with large noses with a bump, I really like their side profiles. Those types of noses in my opinion gives a really regal look. It reminds me of paintings of royalty from ancient times. This is very much an aesthetic thing imo. Tbh, it makes me kind of sad how most people with the bump on their nose feel the need for a nose job. I was thinking of incorporating pictures on this post (decided against it because I need to save space on how many things I post) and when I searched up big noses with bumps on google images, I saw a bunch of plastic surgery before and after pictures. Again, that made me a little sad. Curly/ Wavy Hair I just think in general for both genders that textured hair is so beautiful and majestic especially when it's well cared for. On top of that, I feel like most people with curly and wavy hair, there's just so many different types of curly hair to where no one person's hair is the same. There is just so much beauty in that diversity and it also adds character to a person's features. But guys who have curly and wavy hair who let me run their fingers through their hair just hit different tbh. With some guys who have curly and wavy hair, my mind immediately goes to us cuddling with is face in towards the top half of my chest right under my chin and me playing with his hair, running my fingers through it, and giving him little forehead kisses. This is both a sensual and aesthetic thing. Naturally Gray Hair on Young People This is again an aesthetic thing. I feel like people of both genders look good with gray hair. I'm specifically talking about young people who go completely gray in their 20s or so. I feel like a lot of people who have naturally gray hair have this confidence about them and when they're young there is an interesting contrast between their hair and the rest of their face. It also comes down to the whole uniqueness factor. I also feel like gray hair tends to have this silvery sparkle/ sheen to them when it looks really healthy. I think I might have gotten the going gray early genes (I have a handful of family members who have this gene) because I started finding my first gray hairs when I was 16 or so. It might be because of stress but honestly, I never felt insecure about it. I found those few strands to be really pretty tbh. My fingers are crossed hoping this isn't a stress thing and that I go gray early lol. Facial Hair I think this is more of an aesthetic thing tbh. A beard is like contour for men. Does wonders for your bone structure. And if you're not the best looking in the looks department, have no fear because a beard will cover like half of your face. I think everyone looks good when they are mainly eyes and cheek bones lmao. That's kind of why I like wearing my mask lol. Good Eyebrows This is going to be me being petty but I feel that for both genders, eyebrows can be the make or break because of how they frame your face. I think I especially notice it because of how often I have to do my eyebrows and how often people ask me to their eyebrows. I look back at old pictures of myself from middle school and I see a cute kid but the eyebrows just messed the whole thing up. I feel like especially for brown women, doing your eyebrows is like more than half of the glow up tbh. And as for men... god I wish more guys would be secure in their masculinity if anything for the sake of doing their eyebrows. They can make all of the difference. You could have amazing facial features and not have them brought out to the light just because your eyebrows are fucked up. I swear, sorting out your eyebrows can make people go from a 3 to a 7 real quick. It's definitely an aesthetic thing. Skinny Guys or Guys that are Slightly Toned This is 100% an aesthetic thing. I have yet to see a skinny guy who doesn't look good in clothes. I swear, regardless of height, they always look on point. Especially when they have a good fashion sense. God they looks so good. Plus, most skinny guys I feel like also tend to have good bone structures and nice facial features so there is that too. Eyeliner/ Makeup on guys I think this is both an aesthetic and kind of a psychological thing. First of all, it tells me that you don't have a fragile masculinity. Second, a lot of guys actually look good in a little bit of makeup imo. Third, I think part of this is also my emo phase from my childhood talking. Sexual Attraction: Body Hair I find guys who have a lot of hair really attractive for some reason. I swear this isn't something that is weird or super uncommon but for some reason every time I bring that up with my friends, they think it's really strange for some reason. When I'm talking about body hair, I'm not talking about thin, fine, or blondish body hair. I'm talking about thick, dark, course hair. I guess part of it is that it makes me feel more comfortable with also being kind of hairy lmaooo. Especially when it comes to chest hair. I think it's sexy when a little bit is peeking out. Idk, I think it's the equivalent of seeing cleavage for a woman, don't know how else to explain it. It just makes me want to caress a guy. Definitely a sexual attraction thing. Necklaces This definitely falls under sexual attraction for me. It doesn't have to be a lot of necklaces (I feel like it can be over done), but I think just a couple is enough for me. I like it because I feel like it draws attention towards a man's chest. Veins I don't know why I like it. Apparently this is kind of common. But I do in fact identify as a cardiovascular whore. It feels like both aesthetic and sexual attraction. I remember when I identified as asexual I thought this was weird and light heartedly made fun of straight women who was into this only to realize later on years later that I'm also into this lmaooo. Adams Apples I think this is because my own neck and shoulders are really sensitive and because this is a sign of masculinity. I feel like this is a little weird but it is what it is lol. Sensual Attraction: Smelling Nice If you haven't gotten it by my rant in the post where I talked about smoking, I am sensitive to smells. While that can manifest in a negative way by being immediately repulsed by smokers, it can also manifest in a really positive way in the form of being attracted to people who smell really nice. Whenever a guy is wearing cologne, all I can thinking of is wanting to hug him, cuddle him, and get close to him. I feel that this falls under sensual attraction. Honestly, it doesn't feel like a sexual attraction thing. Like I don't feel like one of those women who are often seen in men's cologne commercials lmao. It more along the lines of this. To me hugging a guy who smells nice is like holding a fuzzy warm blanket when it comes out of the dryer. Chubbier Guys/ Dad Bods Guys who are a little chubbier and has a dad bod honestly give the best hugs and are so nice to cuddle with. It's like curling up into a life size teddy bear. I feel so comforted in those situations. They're just so squishy and I really like that as someone who is into physical touch. This is definitely a sensual attraction thing mainly because I feel like I focus on the cuteness and the huggable factor than anything else. Shorter Guys I don't know which category this falls under whether it would be sexual, sensual, or aesthetic attraction. But for some reason, I always find myself drawn to guys who are around 5'6" to 5'9" or so. Maybe it's because I'm short myself and being around a shorter guy feels more natural because it isn't like they are totally towering over me. I really don't know tbh. But one thing I know for sure is that when a shorter guy has his arms around me while standing or walking, it's much more comfortable than a tall guy doing the same thing. With a short guy, it feels more natural. With a tall guy, I feel like I'm being shoved inside of a pokeball. All I can think of is how Ash's pikachu never wanted to be inside of that damn thing and how I can relate to that feeling. But when we're sitting down on a couch and he has is arm around me, that's when it really doesn't matter. I guess because of this it leans kind of towards the sensual attraction side. A Nice Voice This hits all of the types of attraction for me whether it is sexual, sensual, or aesthetic. But I really like guys who have a nice voice. What consists of a nice voice is really flexible. I can do a whole separate post on this one.

I agree. I think it's really important to have a good foundation of healthy habits to keep you stable, work on your consciousness/ open-mindedness, and a basic framework and understanding of nonduality in order to have a good insightful trip. I have a friend who took a psychedelic while she was depressed and she saw demons and shit. That same friend also didn't have any understanding of nonduality and another time she tripped, she was convinced that she was homies with Shiva and had a whole existential crisis about Hinduism (especially since she never practiced the religion and she doesn't know much about it yet she had a ton of visions on the trip). I just remember that she came to me with all type of questions regarding religion. She tells me that she likes to trip on occasion because she likes seeing the pretty colors.

A little update since my last mental break down. It's been a little more than 3 weeks since that argument. I think I'm finally feeling ok. Me dealing with this came in stages. The first week I felt incredibly disoriented, The second week had me feeling lonely and terrified in the beginning and then later on it had me feeling dead inside. i felt dead inside for a little bit of this weak but over all I've been feeling neutral. I think at this rate I should be fine by next week and somewhat be back to being myself.

Conventionally Attractive Something that has remind the same whether I identified as asexual or straight ish is that I don't get the appeal with "conventionally attractive" people. Don't get me wrong, I can see why they are considered beautiful, but from an attraction standpoint, a lot of times, I can't relate. I also feel like the appeal of conventionally attractive people wanes with age. First of all is the obvious and that is looks isn't the only thing you're looking for when it comes to attraction. Second, I think as you get older and you get exposed to more people, you figure out what you personally find attractive and that may or may not always align with what is considered conventionally attractive. I think when you are younger, I'm talking about middle school and part of high school, because you might not have a specific idea on what you find attractive, a lot of people tend to just go with what society tells them to find attractive as a starting point of sorts. I remember growing up there were girls losing their god damn minds over Robert Pattinson and Ryan Gosling and I felt that a lot of the guys that were hyped fell under a certain caricature of what was considered attractive. The best way I could describe it is the Love Island effect (even though that show didn't air until I was in college). Love Island in my opinion picks out the most conventionally attractive people for each of their seasons. The thing is supposed to appeal to a mass audience so as a result they typically go for the people that are considered attractive to society as a whole. But it's just not doing it for me. All of the guys more or less look the same and it just feels really boring. They're all tall, have more or less the same body structure/ muscle mass, and sometimes even have similar facial features. I think the whole Love Island effect is kind of like that quote of how you can either be everyone's cup of tea or one person's shot of whiskey. I'm tired of seeing the same Ken doll. Mix it up a little bit. Give me a dad bod. Give me a tall skinny guy. Give me a short guy. Give me a more feminine looking guy. Honestly, we need to unpack a lot of male beauty standards. I tend to feel that women aren't as bad when it comes to enforcing these standards because there is hype around all of the types that I listed out whereas with men, they tend to be more cut throat (this is a post for a different day). But nevertheless, this is something that needs to be talked about more. While society still affects what we all find attractive, I feel that in a lot of cases, the Love Island effect wears off. Idk, I feel like growing up everyone was attracted to basically the same Ken doll and as I get older, people get more specific with their types. Like I know with my friend group, we all have very different types. It's to the point where every time one of us finds someone attractive, the other people in the group just doesn't get it. And because of that, I think looks don't matter when it comes to attraction. Looks do matter in terms of attraction on an individual level but in a broader scope of things, looks don't matter at all because odds are that there is someone who will find you to be their type no matter what. And because of that, the vibe and confidence you put out becomes much more important. This is going to sound corny but I remember thinking I was ugly for a large chunk of time. Then sometime between high school and college, I was working on my general mental health and started weeding through a lot of my body image issues. And I found myself thinking along the lines of "most people might not think of me as attractive, but that's ok because I find myself attractive." I know that I'm probably a 6 on a good day in most people's eyes, but you know what, I'm still a 8-10 (depending on my confidence in myself that day) in my own eyes. I started showed up with that attitude. Next thing I know, people actually start noticing that. And I didn't even have to change anything physically that I was insecure about. The people I noticed who get the most fixated and obsessed with conventional beauty are usually people who tend to be really insecure about their own looks or they have an immature and rigid views on attraction. These people can't wrap their heads around the relativity of attraction and don't get that some people might be considered beautiful by some but at the same time be considered ugly by other people. To these people, it's like in order to be considered attractive, you need to check off a series of boxes. I feel like the male gaze is like that as a whole. It's also people who identify as incels or any type of red pill that falls into this category. And I always find it funny when they see a short skinny feminine looking guy get more girls than them because of the vibe that short skinny guy puts out and how all of the red pill people lose the minds because they can't comprehend how that is so. A lot of it just comes down to projection tbh. They think they're ugly because they don't think they fall under this narrow view of attractiveness and they judge everyone else on a similarly harsh scale.

I felt the need to add this to my journal after my last post

My Love Hate (Mostly Hate) Relationship with Smoking I think this could be summarized in a couple of simple sentence. I think the idea of smoking is sexy but the moment I encounter a smoker irl, I'm immediately repulsed. I like smoking only in theory. That's also why I don't take my sexual desires super seriously. I take it seriously enough to validate my emotions but I do have a healthy dose of skepticism because I don't know if I like a certain thing or if I just like it in theory due to lack of experience. I have my fantasies, an idea of what I might like, and a rough list of things I want to try, but I know that there is a bias towards theory and it isn't grounded in much direct experience. Anyway, back to smoking. I find it really sexy and aesthetically pleasing in pictures. Smoke itself when photograph looks ethereal to me in a very dark way. That's the best way I can describe it. I tried to do a couple google searches on why smoking is sexy and I found a few things, some I resonated with some I didn't. I think part of it is conditioning from the media, specifically old Hollywood. I found a couple short articles of why some people think smoking is sexy or if it's still considered sexy. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202009/is-smoking-still-viewed-sexy https://jezebel.com/why-do-we-still-think-smoking-is-sexy-5616816 Basically, back in the day you couldn't get too detailed because people were so uncomfortable with sex but they still wanted it in the plot so they used cigarettes as a short hand of sorts. Even though that isn't the case anymore and more and more people find smoking unattractive over time, some people still have the cultural/subliminal association between sex and smoking. I say subliminal because honestly I can see where this article is going but I can't recall a movie that actually does that from the top of my head. Then there are people who see smoking as a representation of sexy traits like risk taking, being bold, being rebellious etc. Basically the whole "bad guy" trope. I can't relate to that. For me, it's kind of the opposite. To me, smoking reminds me of something that feels traditional and classic but also nonchalant. Again, goes back to the whole old Hollywood thing and the way smoking was portrayed. And I would say that older movies and TV shows were often on in my household growing up. For some reason we always had what my dad and I jokingly call the old people channel. We called it that because all of the shows that aired on that channel were from the 1950s to 70s/early 80s and because all of the ads on that channel were along the lines of life insurance, funeral arrangements, and hearing aids. But yeah anyway, things like I Love Lucy, The Dick Van Dyke Show, etc. were always on. Even though those shows are family friendly, it still carries on that old Hollywood vibe from the time period it was made and I guess because of that, I kinda found myself drawn to the aesthetic as a whole. Another thing that came up when I was thinking about this is the relationship between smoking and masculinity. I had a conversation about this with my dad a while back about what caused him to start smoking when he was young. Basically, back then, even though everyone knew that smoking was bad for you, especially for men, it was a symbol of masculinity, power/wealth (because tobacco cigarettes were expensive in Bangladesh) and a rite of passage of sorts. I'm not sure about now but I also know that for women, smoking was very looked down upon. My mom and my older aunts still have that mentality. I'm not sure if that's a mentality that is still super common with everyone in South Asia or if my mom and my aunts are just going by what they saw growing up. I'm not sure to what extent cigarettes have an appeal to masculinity and power. I think there is shades of that given the gender roles of old Hollywood, and how smoking mainly looks attractive to me in pictures when the guy is dressed really nicely. But I don't see the link as super clean cut because when I think of aesthetic smoking pictures, I think of women first. As I mentioned before, smoking in pictures have this dark ethereal vibe to it and I feel that an ethereal vibe compliments femininity more than masculinity. There is something that is kind of dainty about smoke. Also, I think it plays into my oral fixation of sorts to be honest. Anyway… Enough of me simping for lung cancer for the aesthetic. My dislike for smoking really comes down to the fact that it looks and smells dirty to me. If someone smokes near me outside, I’m immediately repulsed and disgusted. It smells soooo bad and it triggers this gag reflex in me to where I feel like I’m going to throw up. I also think this is due to the media because I remember seeing a bunch of anti-smoking ads growing up. The throat cleaning thing always gets to me. Again, as time goes on, more and more people tend to see smoking as unattractive. I think I remember seeing an article somewhere where American Gen Z’ers were almost the first generation to not see smoking as cool. That was the case until vaping and Juul became a thing. The company was basically like *oh no, young people don’t want to smoke! You know what, lets make this shit cotton candy flavored.* I have a special place of hatred towards Juul. It’s not only because of that but also because Juul reminds me of middle school boys who don’t shower but think that Axe body spray will fix everything and cover it up when in reality it just makes them smell worse. Regular cigarettes smell like shit. Strawberry Juul smells like fake strawberry scented shit. It’s like it doesn’t even have the balls to smell like regular shit and instead wants to come off as appealing. If I’m going to be totally honest, smoking and vaping is one of my deal breakers. If you’re kissing a cigarette, you’re sure as hell not about to kiss me. Even when it comes to friends and family, granted like 90% of my circle doesn’t smoke, if they choose to smoke, they can’t do it near me. Like I’m sorry, I like breathing lol. Also, even though my life is a mess, at least I don’t have a nicotine addiction from a flash drive. This also includes weed for me. I hate the smell of weed. I don't see anything wrong with weed and I do think it should be legalized, but I don't like people smoking around me. I'm good with weed brownies though. I'd pick chocolatey goodness over lung damage any day. Also this song was trending for a bit. It gives me the creeps because it's basically about a wife who started smoking having a dialog with her husband who passed away due to lung cancer. But not gonna lie, the song is a vibe.

The Difference Between Sexuality and Sexual Orientation Sexuality and sexual orientation are often lumped into the same category. When someone says that they are questioning their sexuality, we immediately think of them rethinking their orientation. I would like to present an alternative way of looking at this and that is that sexuality and sexual orientation are two different things that over lap but are nevertheless different. Sexuality is how you express yourself sexually while your sexual orientation is who you prefer to express your sexuality to. Your sexual orientation is a part of your sexuality because your orientation affects the way you express yourself sexually. However, your sexuality isn't limited to your sexual orientation and has a variety of other factors involved. A long time a go, I read this article about asexual people who were into BDSM (can't find the article now, don't remember the title). Basically the article was differentiating between sexuality and sexual orientation and how asexual people can still have a sex drive, enjoy sex, and even have kinks. That sounds really contradictory to the typical asexual stereotypes which I did address in the previous post. The article was talking about how even if you aren't attracted to anyone, you can still be open to the idea of sex and even enjoy it in specific ways. Again, you're simply just not going to be attracted to the person you're having sex with. One point that I really liked is how two people can be of different sexual orientations but have similar sexualities and vice versa. For instance, a gay person and a straight person can have similar sexualities and be into similar kinky things but they are nevertheless have different orientations. Likewise, you can have two straight people where one is into all types of freaky shit while the other is completely vanilla. They both have the same orientation, but they have different ways of sexually expressing themselves. Similarly, you can have an asexual person who is into BDSM and a straight/gay/bi/pan person who is into BDSM, and while each person has a different orientation, they have similar sexualities. Another way i would describe this is, imagine walking on a path. The direction you walk is like your sexual orientation orientation. Lets say walking north is for gay, south is for straight, east is for bi, and west is for asexual. The way you walk the path is like the rest of your sexuality. Do you chose to walk (basic sex)? Do you choose to run (something a little more fast paced)? Do you choose to skip (something more lighthearted and playful)? Or do you want to do something wild and cartwheel your way on the path (something that is out there.) A person could be skipping north and another person could be skipping east. A person could be walking south while another person could be doing cartwheels south. And no matter what path you choose to walk, you can experiment different ways of walking that path to see that you enjoy the most. Or hell, maybe you go in a different direction and a different path but that doesn't mean that what ever ground you covered in the past was a waste or that it was any less real. Even if your orientation and sense of direction changes, that doesn't mean that everything that came before the change was fake. That was a valid part of your journey and the new direction you're at now is also valid. For me, I've been travelling west for a while now. I've grown and learned about myself since when I first realized my most authentic direction was west. But things change, and that's ok. Currently, I don't know which direction feels most authentic and I don't mind sitting down and figuring things out or maybe get a little lost. Ok I think I'm done with that metaphor lol. But something that I found interesting is that even though I'm questioning my orientation, a lot of my sexuality is still the same. Like I still like a lot of the same things but now it's like I look at those things through a different lens. It's like, I did change directions but I'm still running/walking/skipping/cartwheeling the same way I used to. Exactly what am I metaphorically pointing to when I mention running/walking/skipping/cartwheeling? More on that in the future.

The Diversity of Asexuality Asexuality is simply defined as a person who doesn't feel sexual attraction. That's it. That's all there is to it. However, because of this, there are a lot of assumptions people come to and a lot of stereotypes around people who identify with being asexual. Some of the common ones include: Asexuality isn't a thing. People are making this up for attention. It's human nature to want/crave sex. There is something wrong with you if you identify as asexual. Asexual people are all prudes who all hate sex and who are probably really repressed, therefore there is something wrong with them. Asexual people have issues with their sex drive. Asexual people hate other people and don't want romantic relationships. They don't care about love, are heartless, and content with dying alone. I'm not even going to address the first one because I'm pretty sure that if you're reading this journal that you probably do believe that asexuality is in fact a real thing. But the rest I am going to address. First we have the presumption that asexual people hate sex. Asexuality is in a spectrum and roughly comes in three types and those are sex negative, sex neutral, and sex favorable. SEX NEGATIVE: When people think of asexual people, people often think of a specific type of asexual and that is the sex negative asexual. Someone who identifies as sex negative have no sexual urges and don't want have sex. They do not find the appeal of sex at all. SEX NEUTRAL: Sex neutral asexual people on the other hand, don't get sexual urges but they don't mind having sex. At one point I did identify as sex neutral. I didn't mind the idea of having sex but I didn't feel any type of craving towards it. I would say during this time sex was about as appealing as turning on the laundry machine. Like I don't mind pushing a few buttons to get the job done but it isn't something that I feel the urge to do. SEX FAVORABLE (sometimes called sex positive): Sex favorable asexual people are often seen as a contradiction. How could you want to have sex but not be attracted to anyone? Last time I checked, you can have sex with people you don't find attractive. I mean... gay for pay is a thing lol. Those who identify as sex favorable do have a sex drive like people of other orientations I also identified as sex favorable at one point. I would say feeling horny was very weird as someone who was asexual. The best way I can describe it is kind of like you really want to listen to music. You go to your phone and put your music on shuffle. Then you proceed to skip every single song that comes up because nothing appeals to you. Then you just sit there wondering wtf you do now. Also, masturbating is kind of like going to a vending machine. You push the right buttons and then a snack comes out, except in this case we're talking about orgasms not Oreos. Sometimes you find really effective ways to push the right buttons when you get to know yourself. I would say fantasizing about sex as someone who is asexual, the fantasies revolve around what is being done to you rather than who is the one doing things to you. Granted I did fantasize about dick during these instances because I did identify as heteroromantic (more on that later) but irl, I didn't look at guys and feel attracted to them physically. Even in fantasies, it's like I would think about being penetrated, but I wouldn't think about the dick itself if that makes sense. Also, I didn't think about oral often or at all. I didn't hate the idea, I was more neutral towards it and wasn't craving it. While I did have a sex drive and had things in mind that I might enjoy, I never felt comfortable with talking about sex because I was always afraid of people doubting my sexual orientation and assuming that I'm not asexual. A lot of acephobia typically revolves around people thinking that asexuality is made up and that it's a disorder of some kind along with a bunch of intrusive questions on your sex life and whether or not you want kids. It also consists of ace erasure. I remember even at 15, when people found out about me being asexual, the first thing that came up was a bunch of question regarding what it was (which I don't mind tbh) and then followed by people asking me about what I'm going to do about having kids, being married, my dating life etc. And having to explain asexuality is already difficult as it is and tends to leave most people confused so I didn't feel comfortable with bringing the other element of me being sex favorable to add even more complexity to the subject. (Side Note: Even though I didn't feel comfortable with talking about me being sex favorable with other people, I was still comfortable with exploring that on my own and I still validated the fact that even though I have a sex drive, that doesn't make me less asexual. But I will say that even now, I find myself hesitating when writing about sex or talking about it with my friends. Writing in this journal has been helpful because it is taking me outside of my comfort zone but I still find myself uncomfortable on a few things and as a result I do find myself self censoring. Planning on working through that while honoring my natural boundaries in the future) Next, is the notion that asexual people simply have an issue with their sex drive Well, considering that there are sex negative, sex neutral, and sex favorable people, that is simply not the case. Sex negative and sex neutral people don't have an issue with their sex drive because they don't have that sex drive in the first place. It's not like they have a really low and repressed drive. Sex favorable people can have a range when it comes to sex drive like people from other orientations. Basically, some don't have a sex drive at all and some do in varying degrees. Finally, there is the notion that asexual people hate other people and don't want romantic relationships. They don't care about love, are heartless, and content with dying alone So first of all, there are many different types of attraction. I have discussed those and how often times they are all lumped into the same category but I figured adding in the graphic is still relevant. Just because you don't feel sexual attraction, doesn't mean that you don't feel other forms of attraction. The one I want to focus on is romantic attraction. A lot of asexual people still do feel romantic attraction towards people. There are some who don't but there are still many who do. In addition to being asexual, often times people identify with their romantic orientation. HETEROROMANTIC: romantically attracted to people of the opposite gender HOMOROMANTIC: romantically attracted to people of the same gender BIROMANTIC: romantically attracted to people of both genders AROMANTIC: not romantically attracted to anyone Most people who think of asexual people think of the aromantic kind. But not all asexual people are aromantic. I'm pretty sure this happens because for most people, their romantic orientation corresponds with their sexual orientation. Like for instance, the vast majority of heterosexual people are also heteroromantic (I'm sure there are some exceptions). Since people are used to thinking in those terms, they also assume that the vast majority of asexual people are also aromantic. But, that's not always the case. I have also met a guy who identified as a homoromantic asexual. Meaning he was attracted to men romantically and wanted to do things like cuddle and go on dates, but he wasn't sexually attracted to men. He also identified as sex negative and sex in general just didn't appeal to him. I personally always identified as heteroromantic. It's kind of weird because I was romantically attracted to men but I never actually felt sexually attracted to them despite having a sex drive. And no, this wasn't just a "oh you haven't found the right guy yet" thing. I full on fell in love with a guy once and didn't feel physically attracted to him. I didn't care about sex. I mainly just wanted to date him and spend time with him. And when I did think about sex (never actually thought of him when I thought about sex in general), to me it wasn't just about the sex. Sex wasn't a means to an end, it was another way of showing my romantic feelings. The sexual feelings couldn't stand on it's own as attraction rather it was more of an extension of my romantic attraction. Again, the sexual attraction just wasn't there for me. I never saw this guy as hot or attractive. Hell, I could see him aesthetically being considered beautiful but again, I didn't feel anything. I don't know if I'm doing a good job on explaining this and I'm kind of afraid of people coming for me because I'm aware of how this looks. I guess I'm nervous about the erasure and invalidation. TLDR: So basically asexual people can be divided into the following: Whether or not or how open they are to having sex: sex negative, sex neutral, sex positive Whether or not they have a sex drive Their romantic orientation: heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, aromantic

My Birth Chart Findings and Understandings Part 1 Big Picture Aspects I'm going to start talking about the messier parts of my birth chart first and then end on a good note. In other words, I'm going to start off by discussing the cursed square in the middle grand cross. Grand crosses occur when you have a lot of planets in one modality due to the number of degrees it takes for one to form. The modalities are cardinal, fixed and mutable. Cardinal signs consist of Aries, Cancer, Libra and Capricorn. They tend to be assertive, energetic, and dynamic, however this can lead to being too hyperactive and burn out. This energy manifests in different ways in each of the signs. Fixed signs consist of Taurus, Leo, Scorpio, and Aquarius. They tend to be persistent, stable, and resistant to change, however they can also be rather stubborn. Mutable signs are Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces. They tend to be flexible, adaptable, and openminded, however they can sometimes have issues with boundaries and not have backbone. I have a grand fixed cross. Lana Del Rey also has the same grand cross but she has them with different planets. And as much as I love her music, given the topics she sings about, lets just say that unfortunately, I don't want to experience any of the things she went through. So I'm scared lol. This is how I generally feel about my grand cross: My planets in my grand cross consist of my sun, my ascendant, my midheaven, my Neptune, and my Jupiter. This is basically the gist of what that means that I copied and pasted from a couple of the websites I looked at: Also in general, when people have grand crosses, they have too much of one kind of energy. In my case with my fixed grand cross, that means I have a lot of stubborn and persistent energy. But because it's with all four signs, that stubborn energy clashes with each other and pulls people in multiple direction causing confusion, chaos, challenges, and more. Life can feel like a series of traumas and for those with a fixed grand cross, often times, it can feel like life is going nowhere and is totally stagnant. However, when the individual with a grand cross is able to balance the energies and have them compliment one another instead of competing with one another, a lot of good things can come from that. But you have to really struggle with figuring your life out first. And there is going to be a lot of struggle. The specifics on what those struggles will be and how they will play out depends on the planets/ houses that consist of the grand cross as well as any other aspects in the birth chart so I don't have the specifics on that for my chart. I'd say that I can relate to this. My life does feel like a series of traumatic events and feeling pressurized by myself and others to figure things out. I do tend to feel stuck and stagnant a lot of the time (not including the current phase I'm going through). I have struggled with a lot of self worth issues because of various traumatic instances. I also always had a hunch that once I clear out my trauma and logistically get things together that I could really do something worthwhile with my life. Next we have my grand trine. A grand trine occurs when there is a planet in each element and they line up to form an equilateral triangle. The elements are fire, earth, air, and water. Fire signs consist of Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius. Earth signs are Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn. Air signs are Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius. And finally, water signs are Cancer, Scorpio, and Pisces. However, it isn't always in the same element because it also depends on the degrees they are apart (they need to be 120 degrees apart). For instance, my grand trine consists of my moon in Pisces (which is super close to an Aries moon), my midheaven in Leo, and my Chiron in Sagittarius. Basically, from what I can gather, grand trines are extremely lucky and harmonious. People who have a grand trine are people who things come really easily to them. They don't have to struggle much and they tend to be charismatic, talented, etc. The odds are in their favor. Grand trines can also come in different elements. I guess I would have a fire grand trine since the trine consists of Leo and Sagittarius and a late Pisces/ almost Aries. This is what I could gather about fire grand trines: If we are going by elemental grand trines instead of specific degrees, I guess you could also say that I have another earth grand trine with my Venus in Virgo, my Mars in Capricorn, and my Saturn and Jupiter both in Taurus. I don't think that can count because the degrees don't form a triangle but here is a brief description of an earth grand trine: I think I also remembered reading that earth grand trines also tend to handle difficult situations well and tend to have a really level head. While grand trines are typically really lucky, the down side to this is that some people tend to coast on that luck without developing any skills or disciplines or a lack of challenge from having an easy life can lead one to become stagnant and never actualize their luck and talents. I think this is where my grand cross and my grand trine compliment each other well in a chaotic way. The grand trine ensures that I can get out of the difficulties with the grand cross in one piece while the grand cross ensure that I don't get a moment to get complacent because essentially, I'm not going to get a day of rest in my life. And finally, we have my kite formation that is made by my fire grand trine along with my Neptune in Aquarius. Here is a simple description on what it means to have a kite in your chart: So from what I'm understanding, it's similar to my grand trine in that it's lucky but at the same time the tension ensures that I don't get complacent and coast. In a way, I think it complements both the energies of my grand trine as well as my grand cross but it leans more towards the luck of the grand trine because kites consists of the grand trine. I think I can also relate to both of the grand trines that I mentioned. Growing up I could grasp a lot of concepts easily whether it consisted of how I should act, academic materials, and I guess life lessons. Because of those things, despite having all types of issues growing up in my household, my parents always described me as an easy child to raise. Whenever they say that, to me that always sounded weird because I feel like I have a good idea of all of the ways I was simply not fine and all of the ways my parents messed up on raising me (it's the grand cross talking lol). And when I lightly bring that up, they usually respond with something along the lines of "well with issues like yours, if you were more impulsive and didn't have the right head on your shoulders, you could have easily been the type of person who would've dropped out, gotten pregnant young, and/or gotten into drugs." I always had that feeling as well. I always felt like that I had just the right amount of priviledged to avoid the worst possible case scenario. There are little cross road that I think of and sometimes I think that if I didn't slow down and think things through, I could have ended up in a very different place. Not to absolve me from any situation in my life, but I think a lot of the shit that did happen to me had to do with things that were out of my control. Even though my life isn't great and I do have to deal with quite a lot, I think in most cases I have taken the best possible decision I could given my options. And for that, I do think there is some luck involved.

I'm going to do a part two on my findings and understanding about all of this but if there is anyone really into astrology and knows what they're doing, I'm happy to receive input lol.

My Birth Chart Ok so this conversation with a friend started with her talking about Lana Del Rey's birth chart and apparently how our charts have similarities and complement each other. I'm not going to get too into that but I got curious and I thought I'd look into my birth chart more. I knew what my placements were and what they indicated (like what a scorpio mercury meant) but I wasn't super sure when it comes to aspects and how they relate to the houses so there was an entire dimension I guess I didn't consider too much. I found this website called astro-charts.com and I like this website because not only does it give you the planet positions but it also shows any big picture patterns that might come up. This website for instance did show me that I have a grand trine, a grand cross, and a kite formation on my chart. These formation and the colors of each of these lines are determined by how many degrees apart each planet is from each other. Just for a quick run down, the red lines represent placements that square each other meaning they are 90 degrees apart. This is usually a challenging placement for energies that clash with each other. The blue lines represent oppositions or planets that are 180 degrees apart. Planets that are in opposition are often in signs that are opposite to each other. This can be challenging but it can also be something that helps balance an individual out. Then you have the green lines which represents trines which happen when planets are 120 degrees apart. Usually these planets are in the same element and they compliment each other. This is pretty favorable, luck, and easy to have since there aren't any challenges present. The purple lines are sextile lines and they are for planets that are 60 degrees apart. They are also pretty favorable and positive, but it isn't to the same extent as trines. Finally, you have the yellow lines which are quincunxes which are 150 degrees apart. Usually the energy around planets that are like this is that they are awkward and they don't have much in common with each other. Tbh, I'm not going to focus on that aspect because I don't feel like it. So now, what happens when all of these trines, sextiles, squares, and oppositions have a pattern and create diagrams? That's what I'm going to explain using my chart because my chart looks unhinged lol (years ago my mom went to an astrologer and this man told me that my chart looked cursed. Granted he was using the wrong birth time and I decided to check on what he was looking at and to be fair, that chart looked rough, but not cursed. THIS CHART is cursed lmao). Here is the basics of what I'll be talking about. Trines and Sextiles= good. Oppositions and squares= bad and/or challenging Green equilateral triangles and kite formations= We love it we're here for it. We love green equilateral triangles. Bad bitch energy. Healthy and happy queens. Square formations with crosses inside of them= YIKES!. Run. There is trauma. There is chaos. Cursed.

Crazy Crystal Astrology Lady Things So I'm currently working at a home decor store and while restocking the shelves, I found this set of 12 crystals for $25. The box was pretty heavy and the crystals were unpolished. I'm a little skeptical on how real the crystals are since they were so cheap but I feel like unpolished crystals are harder to fake than their polished counter parts since people can color glass and sell them as a polished crystal. The amethyst in the collection seems pretty promising as it is kind of clear and the color is inconsistent meaning it's unlikely that it was made in a lab. I'm not super into crystals. I thought about dipping my toe in just for fun, the opportunity presented itself, and I bought the collection using an employee discount. Two things came to mind. One, I'm turning into the crazy spiritual crystal lady (in a good way I mean this light heartedly lol). And two, I'm returning to my previous crystal ways. I remember as a kid, my uncle would take me hiking. He used to work in mines and got his college degree on geology. He would teach me about crystals, how they formed, and how to spot one. It was mainly from a science pov. It wasn't not a spiritual thing. And even though I didn't really get into crystals in a spiritual way, I got into them as a kid because, well, I like shiny things. And I find myself getting into them again for the same reason. It's not that deep lol. Also, I've been getting into astrology lately because my tiktok and youtube algorithm decided that I should get into it lol. I keep getting thing related to astrology in my feed. I keep getting these posts that are along the lines of how empires last for roughly 250 years and that's because around that mark the empire's birth chart goes through its Pluto return (Pluto returns back to the same place as it was when the empire was founded). When the Pluto returns back to it's original place, there is usually a lot of chaos, the empire basically either combusts from the inside or it goes through a lot and comes out much stronger. Apparently, the U.S. is going to have it's Pluto return from 2022 to 2024. During those years, the planets that are going to be in the sky are also going to be in the same place as they were in the French Revolution. So in other words, a lot of the leftist astrology people think that American style capitalism is going to go through a bunch of changes and the next few years are going to be messy af. Idk if any of this is real. When it comes to crystals and astrology, I don't believe or disbelieve it. I'm just here for the fun and the memes (but I will say that the descriptions behind my Virgo Venus and my Pisces moon did leave me feeling called tf out and personally attacked) But I swear to god, if there is some type of stage green revolution that comes up in the next decade, I'm going to start collecting more crystals and take it seriously when people talk about mercury being in gatorade. Also there is this astrologer that my friend recommended that I follow back when the pandemic first started. This woman predicted when we were getting the vaccine in the end of December around the 21st, who was going to win the 2020 election, and the fact that things will open up in summer 2021 but will go back to lock down in fall/winter 2021. So far, she's been correct, and I've been sitting there shook every time something came true. Mind you, she made these conclusions in March 2020. Finally, I decided that I was going to look at my astrological birth chart again. I uncovered some shit to say the least. But that's going to be a future post.

Nervousness and Intimacy There is a common format that I noticed about some of the scenarios I fantasize about. It's along the lines of feeling nervous and embarrassed/ashamed, and then having this feeling of comfort and warmth. I guess I can best articulate this by explaining a couple of examples. 1. Something that happens to me when I'm around a guy that I'm actually interested in is that I get really shy and I end up blushing really easily. I can flirt and act normally on a regular date, but I stg when I'm around a guy I actually like, all of that goes out the window and instead I'm left looking a bumbling fool. That's an exaggeration but there is this sense of excitement that sits in in the form of nervousness. One thing that I like to imagine is turning red and immediately feeling like I have to hide my face, either in my hands or by hugging the guy I'm talking to by burying my face in his chest out of nervousness and embarrassment. That is followed by him telling me how much he wants to see my face because he thinks it's really sweet and beautiful when I get this flustered. I would look back up at him, still feeling nervous and now even more embarrassed because all I want to do is hide only for him to kiss me really softly and turn me even more red. 2. This is also an embarrassing scenario because I think it's the bare minimum. Personally I know that when I'm around a guy I like, I tend to physically tense up a little since I'm extra physically and emotionally sensitive, therefore I get overwhelmed really easily. (This is a tangent but I remember one time a guy I liked whispered something in my ear. It wasn't anything exciting, actually it was kind of dumb but I caught myself getting goosebumps. A guy that I wasn't interested in could literally do the same thing and I wouldn't get any reaction). But the scenario goes a little like this. Me and this guy are doing something and he catches me physically tensing up. He stops what he's doing and says something along the lines of "hey, you know you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with. It's ok if this feels like it's too much, we can always slow down." Whether or not I continue escalating, I think if a guy stopped to check up on me like that to make sure I was ok, I would emotionally melt, have much more respect for him, and trust him more which would make me more comfortable with getting outside of my comfort zone more in the future. I don't think I would develop feelings for him just based on that but it would strengthen any romantic or sexual feelings I had for him previously. Like even if this is just someone I'm hooking up with, knowing that he respects me and that I can trust him isn't something that is limited to something long term. I remember a friend was talking about how she experienced a similar situation when she was hooking up with this one guy and basically we were both sitting there like "aww, that sounds so sweet." She then went on to talk about how that made her feel more comfortable to keep going. That whole mentality is the opposite of guys who are really pushy and desperate and unfortunately, it felt refreshing to the point of romanticization because pushy desperate guys are so common (I swear we all have a story of a guy getting too pushy and who made us or a friend really uncomfortable). Again, it's sad because something like this shouldn't be praised or seen as romantic. It should be the bare minimum for consent. 3. I also have some nervousness and embarrassment around sex, not because I have a lot of limiting beliefs around sex or because I think sex is dirty and taboo, but because I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I think in the first few times, to deal with this sense of embarrassment, I would like a sense of warmth and comfort in the form of praise and reassurance. Something along the lines of "you're doing so good" or " It's ok, you can let go fully. I love hearing your voice and your moans. Just do whatever comes naturally for you ok?" (This is a tangent but I feel like my nervousness bleeds into my writing in the sense that I do feel embarrassed writing some of this stuff down and I find myself feeling more inhibited than in my other journals. I feel like I don't have enough knowledge or experience to know what I'm talking about in this subject. Also I have this fear of sounding like one of those 12 year old Wattpad writers who used to write One Direction fanfiction back in 2010 who have a super distorted views on sex because they have never had it before lmaoooo.) 4. Ok this is a scenario that actually happened to me before. For context, I had this crush on my professor (he's pretty young as far as professors go lol and if I didn't know him, I'd probably assume that he was near my age) and finals week was coming up. I went to his office because I was confused over some last minute course material that I needed to understand before the exam. I have gone to his office before in the semester and he always has his door opened by a crack and he told me that I don't need to knock or anything and that I can just walk in and that's fine. Well, this was the one time I did that and I walked in on the wrong time. By the looks of it, I walked in on a serious conversation with another student. He looked at me as if he wanted to kill me. That was embarrassing because the whole situation felt awkward and I felt extra nervous because I'm not used to seeing this guy like this. He's the type of person who is really sweet and has this warmth about him, so seeing him like this felt like a huge contrast. That scared me but it also kind of turned me on tbh because it felt like I saw another side of him. I overheard bits and pieces of the conversation even though I was spending most of my energy to calm tf down. Basically the guy he was talking to was trying to play a bunch of sympathy cards to get his grades up despite the fact he didn't do the work for the entire semester. Based on what I know about this professor, I'm not surprised that there are people who try to take advantage of his kindness and I doubt that this is the first time something like this happened to him. Then the student he was talking to walked out of his office. This guy looked stunned/panicked and almost on the verge of tears. I felt really nervous walking into his office. I walked in and told him that I was sorry and that I didn't know that he was having an important conversation with another student. His whole demeanor changed and he said something along the lines of "it's ok, you didn't do anything wrong. It's kind of my fault because I normally let people walk into my office without saying anything. I'm sorry I made you jump a little. I sometimes don't have control over my facial expressions." He said this while laughing a little bit to ease any bit of tension that might have been in the air. Then the conversation continued with "so what brings you here today" and I just asked him the questions I had about the course material, I got my answers, and I got tf out of there. Not to be dramatic, but I think this was the first time I actually felt sexually attracted to a person. In conclusion, I think having someone see that nervous, embarrassed, and flustered parts of me creates this sense of intimacy because those are vulnerable emotions that feel really authentic to me. And having someone accept and reassure that part of me and respond with kindness is really appealing and again builds that sense of respect and trust. There is that sense of intentionality in the form of paying attention to your partner and checking in to see how they are doing and responding. There is also that contrast between discomfort moving into comfort and judging my the previous experience I talked about, contrast can be really appealing because it creates a multidimensional experience. And all of those things play into things like chemistry and intimacy in a dynamic.

Male Gaze vs Female Gaze Examples I just thought of a could example differentiating the two. The male gaze is something that's more like performance with Madonna, Britney, and Christina during the song Hollywood, specifically during the kiss between the three of them. The female gaze is something that's more like the performance with Dua Lipa and St. Vincent. The best way I can describe it is that the female gaze has more of an emphasis of the dynamic as a whole. It's the way that they look at each other. It's the tension and energy that is built up, the energy/personality that each of them individually give off and how that combines together. It's the over all vibe that takes center stage rather than what kind of crazy stunts you're trying to pull off. There is more a subtlety and attention to detail that's there to create the emotional atmosphere. But just because there is that subtlety, doesn't mean that no one picks up on the energy that is being created. Like I don't see anything wrong with the Madonna performance. I mean I thought it was cool. But as far as attraction went, it wasn't doing anything for me. Even though the St. Vincent performance wasn't as overt, it still felt sexier.