soos_mite_ah

To Do List Execution 8/18/2021 I wrote out how I'm going to deal with each of these issues as I see fit in the moment in blue and turquoise. I also reordered the list according to what I find most important. Basically, these are the things I need to do in order to fulfill my objectives: Focus in class especially on the classes that are going to grow you personally and deal with your academic/professional trauma. Journal in "The Female Gaze" Shift your priorities Continue going to therapy Be vigilant of your eating habits and body image. Goal is to have most of these dealt with by the end of this semester and tie up loose ends during winter break.

Decided to make a new post instead just so things are more organized. Consider this as a continuation of the previous post but not necessarily a part 2. So yeah... I feel like the odd ball in this campus and I am sooo tempted to just give up socially and keep my head down for the next couple years. And as much as I want to give up, I did make a promise to myself on how I was going to try to build a social circle. Not sure how I'm going to pull that off while not getting the virus. I know people say it's safe and give the conservative atmosphere of the school, a lot of students are comfortable going out without a mask. But I'm not even though I'm vaccinated. Maybe it's the way my parents dealt with it or maybe it's me being really risk averse, but I just don't feel physically safe 100% to put myself out there. I had a couple classes and both classes were packed. The only difference pre pandemic and now is the masks and that's it. No extra distancing, no online courses, nothing. I'm not super freaked out by the whole thing but it definitely feels unusual to be in a crowd of people and not being 6ft apart from everyone since that was my habit for a year and a half now. I know I've only had 2 out of the 4 classes I'm taking this semester so far but I'm intimidated by those classes. I talked about one of them and I have another that I'm going to talk about in this post. I'm taking a class on negotiations and it's out of my comfort zone because normally I don't try to test people. I just take things at face value, try to be as transparent as possible, and if it doesn't work out I just walk away. This also relates to how I feel like a lot of my business classes have the ick factor. A lot of the stuff I'm learning, they aren't bad inherently but I can clearly see how people use things to con other people instead of helping them. Like with negotiations for example, obviously you can use it to manipulate people but you can also use it to advocate for yourself and see through people's bs. That is one example of many and I'm not even getting into the specifics of it. I'm also a very noncompetitive person and I just don't want to deal with other students who are really cut throat and confrontational. I had to deal with that once and I ended up getting yelled at for 2 hours straight by 8 different people. That zoom meeting was also recorded and sent to my professor for grading. It wasn't fun. I cried afterwards lol. And I feel like I'm going to deal with that pretty often in this class. I'm not looking forward to that. Then there is my experiences for the last few years especially during the pandemic so far. This situation has left me feeling really unsure of myself, unsure of my abilities, unsure of where I'm going with my life and what the future holds, unsure about what my place is socially. I'm definitely not my most confident self and I don't think that helps given the classes I'm taking this semester. I also want to emphasize that even though I'm unsure, I'm not exactly insecure. There is a lot of ambiguity and doubt, and while that does overlap with insecurity a bit, it has a different flavor. It's more panic inducing rather than shame inducing however the shame isn't completely absent. The panic is just more front and center.

A Different Kind of Hell Hey, so it's been a minute. For the last week I've been sorting my life out for school. I moved in a few days ago and almost didn't get a room because something happened to my housing application. After running around packing and 3 heart attacks later, I finally got a place on campus and I got out of my parent's house. Honestly, thank god. The moment they left, I felt a weight get lifted off of my shoulders. I also got assigned a random roommate which I was mentally sort of prepared for. I was expecting to room with a total stranger and for it to be awkward and me having to be this Spongebob meme for the rest of this semester instead of being my regular self. But luckily, this random roommate assignment actually turned out to be someone I knew. She is an acquaintance from one of my classes from a couple years back. We get along really well and we have a ton in common. I would also add that the room is better than the one that I was originally anticipating on getting so basically even though this whole process was panic inducing, things turned out much better than expected. And while my mood overall as been more optimistic and the depression side of things are being well handled, the same can't be said about my anxiety. I'm going through the same culture shock that I experienced when I first started going to this school except it isn't as intense. I remember the first time I came here, I was mainly shook about the lack of diversity, the amount of people who came from money, how everyone has the same body type and sense of style, the conservative atmosphere, etc. This time it was the lack of diversity again (I almost forgot exactly how white this school was until I went to my first 2 classes and realized that I was the only woman of color there), and the same body type/ style. I stg in this day alone, I just saw different variations of the same 3 outfits on different white girls who all look like a clone of the same person. I'm not wearing anything crazy but I've been walking to my classes thinking to myself in the back of my mind *was there a uniform that I didn't get the memo for tf?* Also, this hit me at the same intensity as the first time but WHERE ARE ALL OF THE THICC PEOPLE ON THIS CAMPUS!?!?!?!? I wrote about some of this in another post in one of my other journals but I thought I'd include the most relevant part of that post as it relates to this. I'm also linking that entry as well. This semester I'm also taking all business classes. I haven't done this before. I did take classes in the business school before however I always had a couple of social science classes to balance things out. Broooo... This place sets off my fight or flight response. It's basically everything I described above and more. I just feel really out of place here. There is one class that I'm really excited about but also panicking about. It's this business leadership class which focuses on public speaking and career readiness. I'm not super excited about doing public speaking related things at 8am in the morning in a place where I feel like the odd one out in a variety of different ways. But on the other hand, I think I really need to focus on developing the skills that this class focuses on in general for my personal development so even though this isn't exactly what I want, it definitely something I need because I don't know wtf I'm doing with my life career wise. Speaking of not knowing what I'm doing, It's 12:43 pm and I've already reevaluated my life choices probably like 5 times today (wish I was exaggerating but I'm not). I really feel like the awkward theatre kid who is stuck in the body of a business major because she wants to be employed in the future. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm studying, I just don't feel like I fit in socially all that well. I think that pretty much summarizes my college experience at this particular school if you ignore all of the traumatic, crazy shit that happened to me in the last few years. The traumatic shit I would say isn't linked to anything as far as this particular school is concerned (I'm pretty sure that even if I went elsewhere I would have had to deal with similar things), but this place didn't do anything to help (or hurt) the situation if that makes sense. Love the school, just don't resonate with the people. Will make edits and add to the post later on. Submitting this because I have class in a few minutes.

Dead ass this post is just to puff myself up because I've been feeling stagnant and done with life lately and I need some self reassurance that I am headed in the right direction.

To Do List 8/18/2021 Deal with your body image issues and your relationship with food: I'm finally moving out of my parent's house and even though I have been good about keeping my distance and keeping my boundaries up with my mother, I know that her mentality around her body and food in general has been affecting me, even if it is slowly eroding me. I don't know what after affects will linger and to what extent but it's been a lot for the last few months. It's important for me to be mindful and vigilant of these after affects and deal with it accordingly because I haven't been in a healthy environment. It's like being mindful of being in a place with a lot of toxic radiation. Sure you don't have noticeable symptoms right away and you might not develop them but it's important to be vigilant of anything that might develop since there is a high likelihood. Get into an exercise routine that works for you: Not sure if I'm going to tackle this right away because of the previous goal but it's definitely in the back of my mind. Since I moved back home, I made it a point to not do a lot of exercise because I knew that the environment I am in can make this into something really neurotic that I'm going to have to deal with later on. Prioritize relationships and relationship building in your life (platonic and romantic): I'm currently in a place where I feel like I need a shift in priorities. But my previous priorities have a lot of momentum so it's going to take a moment to transition out of it and rearrange the priorities in a well balanced way. Nothing wrong with the priorities I had before, they were right in the moment, but my needs and wants have changed. Deal with the wound "I'm tired of doing everything myself and I wish I had an actual adult helping me. I'm so tired of doing everything myself": Basically this is both my mommy and daddy issues combined. The statement I mentioned feels like the heart of my current pain body. If left unaddressed in a healthy way, I see this morphing into seeking a parental, guiding figure in romantic relationships and friendships. I don't want that. Don't have time to deal with that kind of trauma later on. Might as well deal with it as it comes up. Continue unpacking things related to your attitudes with sex and sexuality: I have a whole list of things I have yet to write about and this thing will be done when I'm done with that list. Also explore things in direct experience if possible. Deal with the internalized racism that makes you feel undesirable but also sexualized: I need to start seeing myself as an actual option romantically and sexually. There is this whole notion of how I feel unworthy of these situations, how they feel super unreachable, and how they are meant for other people. Lots to unpack. Integrate the notion of how you don't have to be fully healed in order to get into a healthy relationship: Journaled about this and had an entire thread open to help me with this. Deal with your academic and professional trauma that you got in the past year or so: Basically this last year has fucked up my self esteem and has made me feel like I'm operating under a scarcity mindset when advocating for myself and my skills. School and work gives me a lot of anxiety. It has me feeling like I don't have anything to offer or intellectually contribute and that I'm not valuable in a professional or academic setting. Learning (and relearning) to assert myself in these situations is important. Also I don't have a procrastination problem, I have a big time anxiety problem. Figure out what the next steps are after college and start using the career center at school because you have no idea wtf you're doing.: I really need professional guidance and my common sense is telling me that my boomer parents are leading me straight to hell by telling me to not apply to jobs online, go door to door, and never advocating for yourself. Deal with your existential dread regarding your current life situation as well as how dystopian life has been in the last couple years: This pandemic gave me a new flavor of crazy. Honestly the only things holding me together is manifestation, a bunch of shiny ass rocks, and using astrology as coping mechanism so that my life feels like it has a sense of predictability. I let myself believe in these things because it helps me sleep at night but I know that it isn't necessarily rooted in truth and that I'm going to have wean off of this later lol.

It's been a while. I have worked through somethings and strayed from this original focus and decided to work on other areas of my life. Life and anxiety as a whole has been kind of overwhelming in the last couple of months especially given my home situation. I've mainly been trying to recover and cope with that. I also find my priorities changing and I want to create a new list. But first I want to reflect on my previous list: Some Additional Things I Have Been Working On: Emotionally coping with gaslighting and emotional unavailability to heal my attachment issues on the spot as the trauma occurs by journaling, relying on friends, and therapy. Exploring my thoughts around sex and sexuality and just unpacking a lot of shit Trying to get things together for me to move out my house and logistically making moving to college easier (basically dealing with the fin aid office and the health center). Healing some of my unhealthy mentalities with food (I don't count calories anymore and I'm more in tuned with my body) I got a job that took up a lot of my time in addition to the internship so I have some money now. It was good for me to have that experience.

I guess what I'm actually tired of is the disappointment. And I guess the only thing that's keeping me holding onto a sense of hope is the few good experiences I have had. Like I know this shit is out there. I have gotten bits and pieces but that's it.

Having Your Cake and Eating It Too I really want to have a relationship and connect with someone but I dread putting myself out there and actually dating. Maybe this is because of how forced the last situation was when I tried to talk to a guy on Tinder that I really didn't click with. Dating feels like a chore if I'm going to be honest. I don't get how people just enjoy this process. Don't get me wrong, I have been on good dates and I have had good interactions but there is just so much shit that's out there and even in the instances where things went right, they weren't right enough to result in an actual relationship. I haven't gone on a date since like 2019. It's safe to say I was forced to go on a break. But, I don't feel rested. My head doesn't feel any clearer. I still kind of hate everyone lol. Like it literally takes me years to find someone I actually like and that I actually get feelings for. Clinginess is far from the issue for me. And after working on my attachment issues more and learning to open up to people, I realized that in a lot of ways, I'm not dismissive avoidant rather I'm just not into some people. I talked a lot about this both on a platonic and romantic level in my main journal And online dating.... oooofff...... that isn't an option for me. Never again. I have seen enough men have profiles where they hold up dead animals as if it's some kind of Trump supporter mating call offering (you know kind of like how those penguins present a shiny pebble to their love interest as a part of their mating rituals. Kind of like that but much less vegan friendly lol). I've talked about how dating apps just don't work for me in another post: Then there is the whole screening process both for yourself and for the guy. I try to screen myself to make sure that I'm getting attached to someone in a healthy way so it's not just me going by the impulse of my pain body. And I definitely try to screen the guy to make sure at the very least I'm not going to end up on Dateline in a couple years. I have also talked about the whole racism aspect of this. I have more to say but I think one of the big reasons why dating feels exhausting is because of how a lot of the racism I have encountered on a one-on-one, personal level, had to do with dating or sexuality in some way, shape, or form. I just want to skip all of the formalities of dating and screening and jump straight into actually clicking with a person and feeling comfortable around them in every way, developing feelings naturally in a normal pace, and then going to their place often just to cuddle and watch whatever tf we want. I'm not really a hopeless romantic and I'm definitely not the person who wants a grand gesture. I just want a sense of intimacy both physically and emotionally. But also, maybe I don't want to deal with the formalities and planning when it comes to dating because I haven't found someone I actually like and I'm enthusiastic about dating. And I guess in order to do this I need to make some kind of social circle. I already need to do that anyway but also it's just like ugggghhhh I just want to skip to the fun part and go straight to finding a boyfriend. So basically, I will lose my mind if I try to force connections, I don't feel comfortable with casual sex, I hate the dating apps, I don't want to date around, and I don't even like anyone. Buuuuuuuttt... I am horny and emotionally thirsty.I know this is dumb, but I want this to come naturally without me putting in all this effort because I'm exhausted with the process and I'm frustrated in more ways than just sexually. In other words: I. Hate. It. Here.

Sexuality at Stage Blue Part 2: Colonization Another conversation I had was with a friend recently. We got on the topic of birth control and how our families would react to something like this. She was like, "I don't think it clicks in a lot of brown parent's minds that people sex for the fun and pleasure. I'm pretty sure that the only times my parents had sex were when they tried to have me and when they tried to have my brother." She was dead serious when she said this. I was like "honestly... same." I never grew up with my parents showing any amount of affection. They were arranged and they low key hate each other lol. Based on the conversation that my dad and I had that I mentioned in the last post, even though he never straight up said it, I can kind of infer that this man hasn't gotten laid since literally the previous century. And I would say that it's almost worse for him because he isn't no where near as repressive when it comes to sex compared to my mom. I can at the very least have some kind of conversation when it comes to sex (that is if I bring it up) and I won't be the most awkward thing in the world. When it comes to mom, based on how repressed she is, I highly doubt that she ever came in her life and I highly doubt she sees any of this as a problem. I feel so bad for both of them tbh. Then me and this friend started talking about the attitudes that our mother's held when it came to their bodies and sexuality and what they tried to pass onto us. I told my friend on how in the summers I have this habit of sleeping naked and how my mom freaked out about it initially and how once she calmed down about the whole thing after I explained how I like to sleep naked because it's more comfortable, she said something along the lines of how she doesn't really get where I'm coming from because she doesn't even feel comfortable with seeing her naked body in the mirror before taking a shower because it's gross. Both me and my friend started talking about how sad that sounds and how fucked up it is that there are women out there who feel gross about their bodies both from a body image perspective but also a sexuality perspective. Because a woman's naked body isn't gross, disgusting, impure, or sinful. We also talked about how a lot of this rhetoric comes from colonization. Because prior to colonization, South Asian women didn't wear blouses under their saris because it's waaay to hot for that climate wise in that part of the world (in many parts of the world especially in hot climates, breasts aren't sexualized and even if they are, they weren't before colonization). A lot of the modesty that is put on South Asian women comes from the Victorian era. The British kept sexualizing brown women and kept asserting that they are like animals because they aren't as covered up and repressed as they are. As a result, those women were pressured into these norms in order to be seen as decent and worthy of respect. Then there is the whole thing on how gay sex and fluid gender identities were considered perfectly fine before colonization but again, when the British came in and saw that we didn't have the same view as them, they labeled us as barbaric and set new norms. I remember when gay sex was finally decriminalized in India in 2018, a lot of people were saying that this isn't because of western feminism's influence on making the country more progressive. Instead, decriminalizing gay sex is an act of decolonization because that law and that taboo wasn't there until the British made it illegal. Growing up I always found things like the Kama Sutra, explicit statues on temples, and tantra really strange because of how open sexuality was. Because I mainly know about the repression of sexuality that is in South Asian communities from my experience. It wasn't until much later when I took a few classes on how colonialism affected the Indian subcontinent that I found out that a lot of the repression has to do with stage blue white people shoving their beliefs on to us. And something that I find particularly interesting as someone who grew up Hindu is that even though my mom slut shames me and the way I look, she never brought religion into this. She never used the word "sinful" in her vocabulary even when she was uncomfortable with something that looked blasphemous in her stage blue world view. She always used "respectful." Because of that, I never got a religious connotation from her remarks. Rather, I always took it as a cultural thing. The thing is, I didn't know that it technically wasn't coming from my South Asian culture. Because, even outside of this particular subject, the more I learn about the impact of the British Empire, the more I realize that my parents or any other conservative brown person aren't traditional. If they were truly traditional, they'd be much more sex positive, they'd be more accepting towards gay people, and they wouldn't push modesty so heavily. They aren't traditional. They are colonized.

Sexuality at Stage Blue Part 1: Stage Red Origins Upon finding out about spiral dynamics, studying it, and contemplating how it relates to various areas of my life, I found that a lot of conversations I had about sex with my parents made much more sense due to added context. I knew because of my background that it was unlikely that my parents were going to have super open conversations about sex. Honestly, I have yet to meet a South Asian person who actually had the sex talk with their parents. It's just an understood norm that this is not something you talk about, especially with your parents of all people. But I didn't know exactly how deep the repression went until I came out as asexual to my mom. Both of my parents were really confused when I came out. I never got any hate from them, just confusion and a thousand questions. Eventually they decided to brush it under the rug and never bring it up so I don't have much trauma regarding that. I was prepared for the confusion mainly because that is the most common reaction when people come out asexual since a large chunk of people don't even know it's a thing much less how it worked. But the level of confusion that I encountered with my mom when I came out to her was on a different level. She asked me what being asexual means and I told her that I didn't find men or women attractive. She asked a few more questions but the one that stuck out to me was "wait, so then wouldn't all women be asexual. They don't like sex." I was sitting there just like..... huh? Like I know damn well that this woman is straight. I saw this woman simp over Tom Cruise waaay too many times growing up lmao (honestly I don't really get it lol). After talking to a her a little more, basically I got the impression that her view on sex is that it's not something women enjoy rather it is something for men. Sex happens to you, not with you. I found an article that talks about sexuality for South Asian women which I'll link, but this particular pretty much sums things up. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a37279402/sex-south-asian-women/ I had another conversation with my dad a year before this whole encounter. I forgot what we were talking about but I remember he said something along the lines of this. Sex isn't something that is seen as empowering for women in that part of the world. Because you're sexualized so much, to willfully go after sex or to see yourself as a sexual being is like being enthusiastic of your own demise. Repression is almost seen as empowering because having sex means giving up your power to a man for his pleasure. Referring to my other post about being sexual vs being sexualized, I would also add that for women, being sexualized is the opposite of being allowed to be sexual because the autonomy is taken from you and your sexuality is essentially defined for you rather than you defining it for yourself. And when you're always being sexualized, repressing your self expression is a coping mechanism because if you do try to express yourself, there will be people who will think that you proved them. They will be like "look, you like it, you are a whore after all, why are you complaining about our advances?" I think this form of stage blue "sexual empowerment" makes even more sense when you bring stage red sexuality into the picture. A lot of stage red sexuality does have to do with violence, rape, and degradation. I'd imagine that in those circumstances, saying no and being extremely protective of your "purity" is seen as the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. I think when society transitions from red to blue, that purity more so has to do with the protection from STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and psychological trauma. I think that's where the whole "innocence" element also comes from this lack of trauma. And then, when stage blue is taken to it's peak, the whole purity and innocence thing becomes more rooted in shame and repression. When we are specifically talking about South Asian (I guess this can also apply to the Middle East, can't say for certain though), there is this notion of women being the one that carries their family honor, their family's traditions, and their honor of their country. As a result, whenever there is a huge conflict, such as Partition in 1947 and the Bangladeshi Independence War in 1971 (there is a lot of history on this especially when colonization is taken into account but I wanted to highlight these two instances since they are still very present in the collective memory), there are mass rapes that happen in addition to the bloodshed. Because raping the enemy's woman is seen as the biggest form of fuck you to the enemy and it's seen as also making the woman absolutely worthless in the eyes of men who would've considered marrying her in the process (not saying that women who get raped are worthless, that's the train of thought of these people). As a result, I'd say that the natural progression from this stage red form of sexuality is to move into stage blue.

I was contemplating this a while back and I did a whole journal entry that I recommend checking out: A couple of key points from that post: I think our preferences, tastes, hobbies, personality traits, etc. gets egoic when we believe that it is something stagnant in ourselves. Preferences, tastes, hobbies, personality traits, etc. gets egoic when we believe that something we're doing has some absolute truth that other people have to agree with or aspire to. I go into detail and provide examples for both. Hope this helps!

The Worst Version of Myself I talked about what the best version of myself is like in another post in my main journal which I thought I'd include here. So basically, the worst version of myself is unproductive/ unfocused, emotionally and socially closed off, and judgmental as fuck. I've also been reevaluating how I approach relationships in general. I found this thread to be really helpful and basically the stuff that was said since then has basically been marinating in my head ever since. Then I watched this video that just always makes me smile. I just think it's funny and I feel like I resonate with it a lot but not so much so to where I feel called out (idk, maybe I should feel called out lol). And I thought about it a little more as to why this resonates and then I realized that this is basically a caricature of what the worst version of myself is in it's pettiest, most exaggerated form. I decided post it here because I think this what the worst version of myself would look like in a relationship. The only thing that doesn't resonate at all is the making fun of someone for crying bit. But the rest of it was a call out lol. And I'm not even a Sagittarius lmao. I especially resonated with "look, I love you, I just don't want to see you for a month okay?" and "oh yeah honey fantasy football seems like a great way to spend you time *internally judging: I'm dating a fucking loser*."

I mostly agree. Sex isn't something you're as fixated on because you're probably getting your needs met in other ways. I have also noticed people mimicking the "above sex mentality" as well. IMO, if you were actually "above sex" you wouldn't go around saying that and creating a spiritual ego around that. I know when I identified as asexual, I didn't have that whole complex around it lol and I was more neutral about it because the urge wasn't really there. It was kind of an *eh.. it is what it is* attitude. With yellow, I'm not saying you turn asexual and you aren't attracted to anyone but what I am saying is that there is that neutrality that's there But I also think there is another side of it. Yeah there are people who get to yellow and they're kind of neutral towards sex because it doesn't lead to eudaimonia but the other side is having better sex that does lead to eudaimonia. If I'm not mistaken, strong healthy relationships whether they be platonic or romantic are also eudaimonic. I think in romantic relationships, you can use sex in a very deep, meaningful, and emotionally fulfilling way. There is an emphasis on that aspect of sex as opposed to *let me see what's the craziest thing I can do.* I don't think that sex is inherently hedonistic. It's kind of like food. You can approach food in a way where you gorge yourself and find enjoyment in that or you can approach food where you genuinely enjoy the process of making the food, building you cooking skills, and really savoring the food. I think the later is more eudaimonic and approaches the things like a hobby that puts you into a flow state. And I think sex can be the same way. I know this might sound a lot like green but I think this is one of those instances where it's important to acknowledge that the later stages still consist of the earlier stages. And just in general outside of the topic of sex, I think yellow can sometimes come off as blue because they are extremely principled. The difference is that they aren't nearly as dogmatic about it as blue. I'm going to be perfectly honest. I'm probably going to have to take a psychedelic to even grasp what you're talking about lmao. I get it intellectually to a certain extent because of the things Leo talks about and what this forum discusses but... I mean you said it yourself... it sounds weird without reference experience lol. But I will say that I really like the cloud metaphor.

wait... what?!?!?! you can eat candle wax in large quantities??? and even if you could, wouldn't it taste weird?? I'm sorry, I'm just really confused lmao

Super unrelated but I was curious and I wanted to add up the number of posts I have from all of my journals and compare it to the number of posts I have in total. I have 638 (this post will be #639) posts in my journals. That number is a little higher than the actual number because I haven't subtracted other people's comments from those posts because I'm only mildly curious and don't care about doing this extensively lol. 639/1426= roughly 44.8% Interesting.... I know that percent is likely higher if we look at the last 4 months or so because I spend more of my time now in the journaling section whereas when I first joined I spent more time elsewhere on the forum actually commenting on things lol .

Sexuality Through the Spiral Dynamics Stages I remember talking about something similar in different threads a while back. Thankfully, I don't have too many posts on here and a large chunk of my posts are in my journals so it only took me a little digging to find those specific comments. Not trying to toot my own horn, just feeling lazy and don't want to write about things I've already written about in the past. I think out of all of the stages, blue tends to stick out as the odd one out because of the repression. I have more to say about sexuality at stage blue in particular but I want to put that in a different post so this doesn't get too long.

OMFG this unlocked a memory I didn't know I had. I remember people doing this lol. Yeah I remember there was a kid like that in my school as well. But I only saw the glue thing, not milk. There was also a thing there you would put a ton of glue on one of those school supply boxes, have it dry and then peel it off. Also, peeling off the little bit of glue that was on the glue tip was also really satisfying. The wax thing is also similarly satisfying. But I noticed that with soy wax candles, even when it dries, it has more of a buttery texture rather than a hard one that peels off super easily. It isn't the same but it is satisfying in it's own way. Soy wax candles also burn out really quickly because of the melting point. I bought a couple a couple weeks back and I noticed that those candles ran out much faster than my other candles. OH NO LMAO Ooooo That does sound nice though. Speaking of the whole hot-cold feeling, apparently a lot of people are also into experimenting with ice cubes. I tried to do that but I found it to be too cold and overwhelming. I guess a less intense way of doing it would be using mint/peppermint. Something I enjoy doing is having a few drops of peppermint oil onto soap before taking a shower and there is this really nice cold feeling that just makes you feel even fresher. I got this inspiration once when I used this mint face wash. It felt amazing.

Wax Play This is probably one of the weirdest things that I want to try out tbh. Ok, first I have a little back story. When I was in the 5th grade, I had a teacher who loved to burn scented candles in her classroom. She told one of the kids to blow out the candle because it's been burning for a while. So this kid blows out the candle and dips his fingers into the candle wax after it cooled down for a few seconds. I was looking at this in horror because in my mind I was like *wouldn't that hurt?!?!?!?* But clearly this kid wasn't hurt at all and instead thought the wax that hardened on his fingers looked interesting in a really gross way. He eventually convinced me to do the same. It's an interesting sensation. It feels really warm, then it gets all gooey/waxy, and then it hardens right away. Fast forward to college, Basically, dipping my fingers into hot wax after blowing out candles became a weird habit of mine. My roommate caught me in the act once and naturally was like *what the actual fuck.* I explained the whole scenario to her and was like *I know this looks weird/gross but it's an interesting sensation, you should try it.* I didn't think much of it. Then my roommate was told me how this reminds her of a BDSM thing. Naturally, I was like "Wtf!?!?! Explain." Because up until now, I didn't see this as sexual nor could I think of anything sexual you could do with candle wax. So then, she explained to me what wax play was. It's a type of temperature play where a person gets a candle and then drips the wax onto their partner's body. Some people also use candles with different colors to paint cool designs as well (but you have to be really careful about colored candles as it can interfere with the temperature). You also have to be careful of what kind of wax the candle is made out of because of the temperature. Some waxes burn at higher temperatures and those should be avoided unless you want to burn yourself. Soy wax candles are the safest. Paraffin candles are also safe but they tend to be hotter (so if you're into something more intense you should go with that one instead of soy). But definitely avoid beeswax candles. Also, you need to prep for things like clean up since this can get messy. I want to try this. I still mainly see this as a sensual thing rather than a sexual one. I can imagine it feeling nice but I don't see myself getting off to it at all. Hot wax feels nice but it just isn't sexy to me especially when you take clean up into consideration. I mean, I went almost a decade not connecting sex and candle wax together until someone explained that it was in fact a thing. Basically, I look at this and I'm like *hmmm... interesting.*

The tiktok algorithm chose violence today. I feel personally attacked and just called out in the most detailed way possible. I hate it here. https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMRdjAH2p/

Also I just remembered this thing that my roommate showed me. I love the way the boobs were animated to dodge the bullet (1:20). Like this shit doesnt make any sense at all lmaooo. Boobs just straight up defy physics in anime. To me, as someone who has larger boobs, to me it's even funnier because I'm really aware on how it just doesn't work like that ???? As problematic as the male gaze can be, there is some shit you cant even be offended by because it's so bizarre it's actually hilarious that a person had to sit down and dedicate their time to create this.

Being Written by a Man There are a bunch of people making fun of the way men write women and how distorted and sexualized the writing is. This is like my favorite thing at the moment because some of this shit is so absurd and unrealistic. These videos made my titties smile. It almost made me forget about my haunted vagina lmaooo ???

@Raphael I'm glad you're getting something valuable out of this

Oral Fixation And today I'm going to talk about the variety of things I have in mind lol. This is in no particular order. 1. The whole cigarette thing: I already did a whole post a couple weeks ago. Like it in theory but definitely not in practice. When I was asexual, my focus was more on the aesthetic of the smoke itself but I feel like now my focus is more about people putting things in their mouths and wrapping their lips around it. 2. Having your partner feed you fruits or chocolate: This is one of those things that's really cliche, border line obnoxious, romantic things I always thought was cute. But I feel like ever since I stopped identifying as asexual, even though I still think this is cute, I also think it's kind of hot. Just the idea of someone putting things in my mouth while I'm in his arms and he is making eye contact with me is a turn on. Also, experimenting with food is something that I'm open to trying. 3. Having him put his finger in your mouth: I feel like it would give him a nice preview of what I can do and what's to come. I also feel like it's a dominance thing as well. Again, eye contact is important. Thought it was kind of weird when I was asexual but here I am lol. 4. Him tracing his fingers on my lips or him playing with my lips: Don't feel like I need much elaboration on that one. 5. Gently biting while making out or leaving marks: I guess the first thing that comes to mind is hickies. I also like anything that involves stimulation from the shoulders up so basically this combines two things for me. Another thing that comes to mind is leaving lipstick marks. I think there is an element of playful possessiveness. I like the element of possessiveness in physical affection but not so much in the overall relationship dynamic. 6. Giving head: This is one of those things that not only did I think was weird when I was asexual, but it actually felt gross. And even now, if I think too hard about it, I turn myself off lol. I also have some anxiety around this because like... what if he smells or taste weird? Would I even like the taste of standard dick? Is this one of those things like the cigarette thing which I like in theory but not in practice? Idk man. I think my other thing is that I don't fantasize about this period. The thing that actually turns me on more is making eye contact and being on my knees. 7. The pocky game: Honestly, I think its is more of my inner weeb talking rather than the oral fixation.

I also have a friend whose younger brother's idea of fun is out smarting people who make a bunch of scam calls. He likes to mess with their head because to him the scamming tactics are so blatant and obvious it's comical to him. He especially likes pointing out the holes in the scammer's logic and watch them stutter and get all freaked out because someone saw right through them and it's super awkward for the scammer.

My cousin got a text from a relative and the text said something along the lines of how he was stranded somewhere and there was some emergency and how he needed a couple of thousand dollars. My cousin sent the money, no questions asked. Turns out his relative's account got hacked and the hacker was sending everyone that message. My thing is... if there was a situation like that, my first thought would be to pause, call this relative to check in on what was happening, and then take additional action (especially when we're talking about that kind of money). A simple phone call would have been enough to verify what was going on. The whole thing was a major face palm moment and my other younger cousins and I wanted to make fun of him but the poor guy got depressed for a week and was really ashamed of himself for being an idiot.