soos_mite_ah

The Importance of Healing Relationships and Having Healthy Social Support I was talking to a friend about a few things and she started talking about her relationship with her boyfriend and his mom. She started talking about how his mom is basically her adopted mom at this point. She was talking about how his mom is actually emotionally supportive, genuinely likes having her around, is a place she can go to vent or get advice, and how she is still very much in contact with his mom despite them moving to a different country. She was talking about how she doesn't get any of that from her parents and I know I'm definitely on the same boat. Apparently she has a bunch of friends from college who come from similarly toxic brown households with a shit ton of generational trauma. They have a group chat where they talk about those things. One of the girls in the group chat basically shares any advice she gets from therapy to the rest of the girls and my friend shares wholesome stories about her boyfriend's family and the emotional support her boyfriend's mom gave her. Overall listening to this, I can say that I'm really happy for my friend. I started tearing up a little when she told me about her boyfriend's mom because I really wish I had an adult in my life I could go to for a sense of guidance. I feel like I've had to figure out too many things on my own and I'm exhausted from all of this emotional labor. Going to any of my family members for help usually results in more problems and trauma. I have a couple friends I can go to and while that helps to a certain extent, part of it feels like the blind leading the blind. Going back to the group chat I mentioned, we basically joked about how they all share one brain cell when it comes to trying to find ways to cope. I started talking about a couple other things and we got to the topic of my nonexistent dating life and how I trying to figure out whether it's good idea to put myself out there...like.. at all. On one hand it's important to get your shit together so you don't end up in a toxic situation but on the other hand, you can't always wait to be perfect because then it's basically avoidance at that point. This friend basically explained how she got into this relationship right before the pandemic when she was hitting a really low point after being stuck in the house with her parents all the time. Tbh, that is something I couldn't imagine doing and I told her that. She basically told me that as long as you can identify basic red flags and have some form of basic self awareness that I should be fine and that I should have more faith in my decision making because just because you're emotionally going through somethings, doesn't mean you're going to bring in terrible people and toxic situations. I really want to believe her but I have this instinct in me to isolate myself and work on myself because I'm too afraid of my vulnerabilities being taken advantage of. Part of me really believes that she was probably just lucky to get into a healthy relationship with a guy who grew up in a healthy household and that this isn't something that plays out often. I remember like months ago she was talking about her relationship and she was talking about how this guy is really emotionally supportive, encouraging, and validating. I remember listening to that and having it not click in my head because I was always under this impression that if I got into a relationship, I can't depend on the other person and that I have to be 100% self sufficient or else I'm considered a clingy mess who is going to attract toxic partners. That's the message I got growing up and also from self help. Granted, I'm not talking about a bottomless pit of needing validation and constantly needing to be around others but I think it can be destructive to think that all of your needs make you needy and you have to take 100% responsibility. Because if there is anything these conversations and my experience for the last year taught me it's that, you aren't supposed to be doing everything yourself, especially emotionally. That takes a toll on you in the long term. You're not supposed to be this lone wolf that copes with everything alone. And it really is a shame and it really is fucked up that I can't lean on my parents emotionally for anything. Because that's not normal. Not all families are as destructive as my own and this type of thing shouldn't be normalized. We talked about how there are people with healthy home environments who were hit by the pandemic but still came out of the situation not super traumatized because they had a decent support system who they could get support, validation, encouragement, empathy etc. But then there is me, my friend, and her group of traumatized friends who basically came out of it with a new flavor of crazy and emotional neglect causing this whole thing to be 10x worse for us emotionally. Like for the last year and a half I basically locked myself in a room and tried to avoid dealing with them because I felt emotionally unsafe in my own house.

I'm in a very ???? kind of mood at the moment. I'm just really in the mood for nuzzling into someone's neck, chest, or shoulders or have someone do the same to me. I also really want to hold onto someone's arm almost in a physically clingy way while holding his hand.

I really like this point. I feel like when it comes to conversations around consent, particularly in the context of sex, honoring other people's boundaries are talked about more than you respecting your own boundaries when it comes to body awareness. I really feel like body awareness isn't something that is spoken about enough if at all. Porn that is marketed toward women imo is a little better but really not by that much. It just feels like a softer version of mainstream porn without much difference. On one hand it does feel like better quality next to mainstream porn but on the other hand it still feels like the bare minimum. I really like this point and I agree. I think that having a good self image and a healthy attitude towards sex is the most important. Still working on the embodying part emotionally. Didn't realize how much I had to unpack and write out until I started this journal tbh.

I was trying to decide whether or not to post this but I decided to do it because a number of google searches still left me confused af and thought that this was important to discuss. And just in general, thought/comments/responses are always welcome. Ok this makes more sense thanks. I think i remember reading somewhere that a lot of the moodiness of the vagina can be tied to hormonal fluctuations and where you're at in your cycle. Definitely had the hand cramp thing happen to me lol. I'm thinking about getting a toy but not yet because my parents tend to go through my stuff and I don't want to deal with all of that lol. I relate to the whole think almost feeling non sexual. I think there is that element of getting attuned to stimulation with more experience that is important to consider. I didn't feel sore or numb, just really sleepy to where it didn't feel like I was dozing off in a relaxed way but more like knocking tf out as soon as I closed my eyes. Overall, I don't think I want to repeat that lmao. After writing all that down, I started to reflect more on what would even be considered pleasurable for me personally. There was a part of me after that whole incident that was like *great, I guess I'm boring in bed and lack stamina because I don't want to do this all night and because I'm satisfied with a couple orgasms instead of feeling the need to have more and more.* But there was another part of me that was like *wait.. no.. lets unpack that. Why does the length of the session, the intensity of an orgasm, and the number of orgasms you have all have to be metrics?* Because yeah I took my time with this whole thing and I came more than usual but I didn't come out of it feeling more satisfied than I normally would. And there have been times where I was satisfied with really short sessions that weren't super intense because that's what I was wanting at the moment. Maybe I should come up with my own metrics instead. I think porn and pop culture has a role in defining what "good sex" is supposed to look like and feel like especially when it comes to female pleasure. I think women tend to not be as disillusioned by all of this because of direct experience. Like no, it isn't going to feel good if you try to ram your dick inside of me with like 5 seconds of foreplay and no I'm probably not going to be moaning and screaming like a banshee. But there is still this notion that longer=better, more orgasms=better, more intensity= better when that isn't always the case and there is some gray area which is why communicating as well as figuring out what feels good to you personally is all the more important. That makes a lot of sense.

Warning!!! I'm going to go into more detail than usual on this post. Tbh I don't know how much of a warning is needed because I personally don't think that anything I'm writing about is particularly gross or scandalous but I thought I still put a warning there. Also, if other women have advice or clarification on this particular post, that is more than welcome because I for one have absolutely no clue what I'm going and I'm kind of confused lol. Multiple Orgasms? Am I Doing it Right? Ok, so right off the bat, when it comes to the topic of multiple orgasms, I get a little confused. Is it having multiple types of orgasms in one go? Is it having a single orgasm multiple times in a session? What does the same session even mean? I guess I can start off with my own experience for some context. Normally I stop after maybe 1 or 2. Most of the time I find myself feeling too exhausted and sensitive to continue. Sometimes a little overstimulation is nice but it can be overdone and not so fun. I can do more than 2 if the orgasms I'm having aren't super intense. My regular orgasm is just a standard clitoral one and the way it plays out for me is that I orgasm. Initially it feels really intense and it lasts for a minute. I feel it throughout my whole body and I know I did a good job when I really feel the rush in my arms. I'm not left completely shaking but my legs do feel that way for a couple minutes. And then when the initial high wears off, I get this gentle pulsating feeling throughout the rest of my body for another 15-20 or so minutes (the longest I felt it was 40 minutes). As it fades out, it feels more gentle and relaxing. And during this time, I can't really do anything without feeling overstimulated. I guess I could do a form of penetration but I'll get to that in a minute. Basically this whole ordeal from me doing what I need to do to turn myself on, to me orgasming, to me slowing down , to me finally feeling like I can continue again without feeling over stimulated can take anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour and a half depending on how fast or slow I want to take it (on average I take like 40-50 minutes). But yeah the whole thing is time consuming and intense and I don't know how people can do this 5+ times. To be honest, I don't even know whether or not this what I'm experiencing is even considered intense because I don't have a frame of reference and I only know through the context of my own experience and this is what is normal for me. Then there is the whole thing with penetration. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong but it just doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel bad either but it's not something that really stimulates me. Like I've found my whole g spot and everything but it was anti-climactic (literally) and didn't make much of a difference. Also, I can't put more than two fingers inside without it feeling like I don't have much room. The thought of anything other than my own tiny fingers going in there freaks me out a little. Like I get that being too small isn't much of a concern considering I should technically be able to have a baby come out of there and that this might be because I'm not properly aroused. But at the same time, I don't think a lack of arousal, a lack of self trust, or limiting beliefs around sex is the problem. Maybe I'm just not used to having things enter me and that's something that I need to slowly ease myself into? Because 90% of the time, I'm just focused on the outside because I'm used to getting clitoral orgasms and I feel like focusing on penetration just makes the process of orgasming longer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I tried to do this thing last night where instead of stopping at my usual 1 or 2, I went for 4. At the end of it, my legs felt super wobbly and I didn't want to do anything anymore. It didn't hurt but it felt weird to walk. My legs felt like jello. I went to the bathroom, washed up, took out my contacts, and as soon as my head hit the pillow I fell asleep. I woke up and I did sleep 8 hours but I woke up still feeling exhausted. My legs still felt like jello for the rest of the day but it wasn't as bad as last night and I could pretty much do anything without it looking weird (hell, it's been like 24 hours and my legs still don't feel normal). But yeah... even though that felt nice at the moment, I don't think I want to repeat that. Actually scratch that, after the 3rd time, part of me wanted to stop because it felt like too much. Again, I don't know if I'm doing this wrong. I don't know if I take a weirdly long time in between having an orgasm and then being able to continue again. I don't know if all of this can be considered part of the same "session" or if this would be considered 4 separate ones. I don't know if being this tight is normal or if penetration just feels different when you're going it with someone else and if that makes a difference in how many times you orgasm and how quickly you get turned on. And finally I DON'T KNOW HOW TF SOME PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN 5 ORGASMS. Either yall are having a bunch of tiny orgasms yall quickly recover from and you need more because you aren't satisfied yet or some people are lying because that's what my direct experience is pointing towards.

This is tangentially related the previous post in the way it talks about different milestones, relationships, growing up, and being a "late bloomer" whatever the fuck that means (and how it isn't a bad thing). I also remembered that I have this quote saved on my phone. I have no idea where it's from and I probably jotted down at 2 am because something resonated with me.

Infantilizing Lack of Experience This is something that really rubs me the wrong way. I've been in two separate instances where when a person found out I was inexperienced they reacted with "awww you're so innocent and pure." Idk, I also think it's relevant to add that this was said by two girls my age back when I was in high school. My thing is, why would having sex make you any less pure or any less innocent? I get that some people decide to be more sexually active at a younger age because they feel ready and that's perfectly fine. But it's still important to consider that even if you decide to be active at a young age, it's still important to know that you're still a kid. And I don't mean that in a condescending way but I mean that in the sense that having sex doesn't make you any less innocent/ pure. Especially if you're a woman. I want to emphasize the last part because of the way people tend to shame women and think their value drops because they "have been ran through." Like ok, you're 15 and you wanted to have sex. That's fine and valid. But you're a 15 year old who decided to have sex, that's it. You're not a grown woman and nor should you have the expectations or all the experiences of being a grown woman on your shoulders before you're ready and mature enough to handle them. You're not grown and you're definitely not "fast." I feel like this is also a huge issue in a lot of POC communities where WOC are sexualized and aged up even when they are still kids. I think that when you're a teenager or young adult, there are some people who have this pseudomaturity complex thing going on where they think they are all grown up because they are drinking, smoking, and/or having sex. I'm sure most people grow out of this eventually, but I have met people who think I'm boring or childlike because I don't engage in these things. Usually I brush it off because those people are usually not the types of people I want to deal with anyway. Like great...you're getting laid. It's not a personality trait lol. But what I'll admit gets to me is how people view losing your virginity as a rite of passage of sorts (especially for men). It's really silly but sometimes I feel that because I haven't done anything sexual, that it makes me emotionally stunted or undeveloped. I kind of reassure myself by reminding myself how that doesn't even make sense because I technically didn't even want to have sex until recently. And even if I did want to have sex, I didn't have access to birth control so I wouldn't be able to act on those desires in a safe, nonanxiety inducing way. This is a tangent of sorts but when you're asexual, one of the issues I ran into was that there were some people who assume that you're childish or a saint of some sort because of your orientation. And it always struck me as so weird. Like, why would you put me on a pedestal for not having urges and not feeling attraction or why would you think I'm childish based on what I do with my body? But yeah, I feel like after a certain age, there is more pressure to run through these milestones more quickly. There are people who I've encountered who had this attitude of "just get this over with and grow up." Again, this rubs me the wrong way. I don't want to do anything until I feel ready. I feel like if I were to do anything before I'm ready, it would be nonconsensual in a way. It wouldn't be in the traditional way where the other person violates my boundaries but more so along the lines I violated my own boundaries by not listening to my intuition and forcing myself into a situation I technically didn't want to be in and only did so because I felt this rush of peer pressure to act on it to "get it over with." Also the way the media spins things definitely doesn't help either. It's like every coming of age movie basically has sex and relationships as a major component. Let's just say that I know plenty of people whose teens and early 20s don't look like a coming of age movies and are mainly filled with being stressed about school, work, and family instead. Maybe it's my social circle idk. Again, this thing is much worse for men because your masculinity it tied to it. Which again.. fucked up for a variety of reasons. Not only is losing you virginity a rite of passage but it's like a badge of masculinity of sorts. Sometimes I get the idea that guys who really internalize this sense of thinking and when that's mixed with insecurity, they end up seeing women as conquests instead of people. Which leads to all sorts of creepy and desperate behaviors that often make women feel pressured to be in situations or just straight up assaulted. Like this whole thing really messes with people and can lead to a variety of mental health issues and a bunch of people feeling super unsafe. And for what? To be seen as a man? To be seen as grown? I feel like this post is a little all over the place and that its a conglomeration of a bunch or random thoughts in the subject. I know that I talked a lot about how sex makes people feel grown and not a lot about how not having sex makes people feel like kids in a sense. But basically it's two sides of the same coin. I guess I just needed to vent because my lack of experience makes me feel like I'm less of an adult and that I'm naive / childish / don't know what I'm talking about.

I was mainly talking about dating / LTRs. When it comes to only sex, I feel like there is more of a gray zone depending on how mindful people are on the dynamics and how each party handles the over all situation. It feels more like a warning label to tread with caution rather than a red flag saying abort mission. Tbh, when it comes to just sexual relationships, I'm going to be completely honest and say that I'm not super sure and that I'm still figuring out my own intuition and opinions on things. But yeah, that's just my gut reactions.

I would also add having meaningful and healthy relationships along with hobbies

Yikes.... I don't even know this guy but I'm glad I'm like a thousand miles away from him. Yeah, no doubt a lot of women (and even men) have fantasized about someone much older. I think part of it is natural because a lot of time age is correlated with self confidence and having things in order with your life and gives this older person an admirable/aspirational quality. I think for women specifically, from a young age you are told that you mature faster than boys. And a lot of predators use the whole "you're mature for your age" as a manipulation tactic to make you feel special and play into the assumptions that are already in society. I actually don't think women inherently mature faster than men but we're socialized to take responsibility and be mindful of our own actions from a young age and we can't get away with behaviors that men can indulge in much later in life. And when it comes to pursuing younger girls, I think a lot of it also has to do with the way society and media puts so much pressure on women to be youthful and tends present a submissive role (I'm talking in a relationship dynamic not in sex) as something sexy. You can probably point to a lot of beauty standards and see that they are low key pedophiliac. Sometimes the fetishization of youth is to disturbing levels like with the whole school girl in uniform fantasy. Plus you have things like "barely legal" porn being extremely popular. I don't think there is inherently wrong with an age gap. I can see it play out in a healthy way, given that both parties are full on adults and support themselves independently and are in similar places in their life as far as development goes. But generally speaking, when you're under 25ish, your frontal lobe isn't fully developed and you are going through a lot of changes emotionally as well as your life circumstance. Like as far as development, there a huge difference between being 19 and being 25 but there isn't as big of a difference when it comes to 29 and 35. It isn't so much about the number as it is about life stages.

Since I'm not in my mid 20s, I don't know what's normal at age. I'd imagine if I were 26, anything younger than 22 might be a little weird. 18/19 is still basically a teenager and you're not really an adult at that age emotionally/mentally even though you're legally considered one. And idk where you live and I don't think it has to do with location rather it has more to do with the specific social circle you're in. I know that there are women my age (and younger) having sex with guys who are much older. Like I know that's a thing and I'm 1000% sure it happens in my area. But as far as my social circle goes, there isn't anyone like that. Also, I don't think it has to do with how you treat them rather it's the power dynamic that is just inherently sketchy. Sure you might not be treating them as bad but it's still weird. That said, I don't think it's weird to be attracted to someone physically if they're over 16/17 since a lot of people are physically developed at that age and as a result they aren't really that distinguishable (physically speaking) than people in their 20s. Like I'm pretty sure I've looked more or less the same since that age. But emotionally/psychologically speaking, to me they stick out like a sore thumb because one conversation with them, you will more or less get an idea of how old they are and what stage of life they are. And for me, that's enough to feel repulsed, idk about other people though.

I agree with this. Maybe I'm lucky but every time I was approached by a man who was significantly older, when I told them my age, they backed the fuck up and got out of there. As they should. But yeah, there are plenty of shady guys out there and you can't really blame a lot of women for feeling like they have to be on guard. I had a couple friends who I grew up with in high school when we were 16/17 ish and they would hang out with some guys who were in their early 20s. And now that we are approaching that same age, we realize how weird that is and how it wasn't appropriate. Because we can't imagine doing something similar at our age.

Bruh... the bar is on the floor.

She's a child. She doesnt know better. We all thought we were mature at 17 or so when that isnt the case. In 10 years, shes going to look back at this situation and cringe. You're the adult, it's up to you to be responsible and know better and shut this shit down and make that clear as day. Also idk about how things are there, but shouldnt she at her age be in high school rn.....

The Relationship Between Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter I described different sides to my sexuality and labeled them as different seasons as I saw them fit. Something that I like to do when I'm reflecting on my emotions or a certain aspect of my personality is that I like to personify that aspect. By personifying that aspect, I feel like I'm better at picking up more nuances and sensing broader themes. I was inspired to take this approach after I watch the movie Inside Out which follows this one girl who has these emotions that are personified into different characters. And the way that the characters interact with one another and the way that these characters feel are all a metaphor of what is happening emotionally with this girl. Basically Pixar was like ***What if feelings HAD FEELINGS?!?!?!**** and I love them for that. Being Externally Focused vs Being Inwardly Focused If Spring, Summer Fall and Winter were people, this is how I think they'd fall under the whole introversion/ extroversion spectrum. Spring is an introvert. She's shy and she ends up blushing easily. And even though she enjoys her alone time, Spring also really values the few connections that she does have. She is very quality over quantity. Summer is an extrovert. She's gets a thrill out of putting herself out there and she wants to go out frequently. She's impulsive and bold and she tries to get the other seasons out of their comfort zone. Fall is an introvert. She isn't so much shy as she is more so pensive. She has a more intense energy and people tend to have strong reactions when they first see her. Either they are overwhelmed and feel the need to stay back or their curiosity is ignited and they want to come closer. Either way, she doesn't have to do much to get people to act this way. Winter is an ambivert. She comes across as an introvert because of how much she values minding her own business but there is a sense of being externally focused because she is someone who is assertive in her own work. The Ways They Don't Appeal to the Male Gaze and Sometimes Get Backlash I always felt that the male gaze has a tendency of oversimplifying female sexuality and it typically falls into the whole madonna/whore complex. I tried to describe different aspects of my personality to break out of this and have a more nuanced view of myself. And in doing so, I noticed on how each aspect themselves are complex and how if each of the seasons were people, people would lose their god damn minds. Spring looks like the poster child for traditional femininity. She is docile, she would rather not sleep around, and she has this sweetness to her. Guys, particularly the ones that don't want any form of emotional connection get irritated. They tend to write her off as boring, as prude, or assume that she's religious. Or worse, in some cases they try to infantilize her or fetishize her lack of experience. Spring doesn't care most of the time but sometimes it gets to her. She still stays firm in her boundaries because she knows exactly how vulnerable this whole thing is for her and she wants to do what's healthy for her. Summer is the party girl that gets written off as a whore with no standards. People mainly assume this about her without knowing her at all and by simply looking the way her body is shaped and the way that she chooses to dress even though it isn't true. In addition to that, she sometimes has to deal with comments of how vain and how fake her look is and how her hair, her makeup, and her nails to impress men. People also sometimes feel the need to tell her how men prefer the more natural look and how her look repels men. Summer really doesn't care. She's just focused on being her authentic self loudly. But behind the confidence, sometimes she's afraid of the potential consequences of being so unapologetic Fall is the one that looks scary because she has a resting bitch face most of the time. Men keep telling her to smile more or they try to take a hit on her femininity on the notion that she isn't delicate enough or submissive enough and that's why men don't want her. They accuse her of being too masculine but Fall thinks these people are stupid because they have such limited notions of masculinity and femininity to where they only see them in binaries. On a good day, Fall finds a sense of enjoyment in purposefully pissing men like this off. On a bad day, she wants to retreat back and remove herself from the situation using her unavailability as a coping mechanism. Winter is the one who insists on working on herself, having boundaries, and minding her own business. There is this sense of shame that can come from a woman taking time for herself or engaging in self pleasure. It's threatening to the people who believe that the ideal woman is someone who keeps giving without expecting anything in return. It's threatening to the people who view female sexuality as dirty. By some, she gets written off as being sinful. By some she gets written off as not feminine enough because of her boundaries. And by some, she gets labeled as too sentimental because of the amount of time she spends on herself. Winter copes with this by remaining private about her life. People can't judge what they don't know. Again, for better and for worse, she minds her own business Taking a More Submissive role vs a More Dominant Role Spring is the most submissive out of all of the seasons. She likes it when someone takes the lead and is gentle with her so she doesn't feel like she has to do this whole thing on her own. She likes to lie back and be admired and let people come to her. She plays up the traditional dynamics. Summer is more experimental and likes to switch between being more submissive and being more dominant. It really depends on the day as a lot of Summer's approach is rooted in spontaneity. But even when she is submissive, her assertiveness comes out in the form of intensity. She leans assertive Fall is the most dominant out of all of the seasons. She enjoys taking control and has a commanding presence. She likes having an active role during sex even when in occasion she gives back control to others. She contradicts traditional dynamics and likes challenging people emotionally. Winter switches between being more submissive and being more dominant like Summer. While Summer leans assertive, Winter leans toward giving into whatever she is experiencing even though she is taking an active role in the experience All of the Seasons are Comfortable with Sex Spring can come off as the type to repress but she's comfortable with sex, just really selective with who she shares that side. Summer doesn't care. She isn't promiscuous but she is very open about discussing these topics and expressing herself. Fall's comfort around sex comes from a sense of curiosity and open-mindedness. Winter enjoys taking time to figure out what she likes and strengthening her relationship to herself. It's almost a spiritual/replenishing experience. And they are all different aspects of the same goddamn person.

My Relationship With Porn Part 2: A Healthier Form of Porn I don't see porn as something that would be gone in a conscious society. I think it can be an incredibly beautiful of capturing intimacy. I sometimes feel that the beauty aspect of the whole thing is often lost in the process. Again, there needs to be a lot of conversations and a lot of unpacking around racism and fetishizing people. There needs to be more conversation around consent. There needs to be better treatment for sex workers. I also feel that a lot of porn that is usually geared towards women tends to do a better job at dealing with these things. Mainstream porn isn't something that I find particularly exciting and while porn isn't usually my go to, the porn that are usually geared towards women tends to be better quality imo. Even though I talked a lot about the negative aspects of porn, I will say that I feel like dabbling in it a little bit has helped figure out what to do, what I might like, and things I want to try. It helped me explore things more when I was in a situation when I couldn't really do that. And that exploration helped me be more in touch with my sexuality as a whole. I think moderation and regulation is more or less the name of the game. I think that things like camming and having an only fans also helped. I don't know much about the adult film industry before the internet simply because I wasn't around back then but I'm pretty sure that filming something yourself and then uploading that on your own accord is much safer than meeting up in some shady back alley. I can't say that I know a lot of the exploitation in the industry, how things have changed over the years, and the exact problems we have today but this is the general impression I'm getting. Idk tbh and if anyone is willing to educate me more on this or point me towards some resources, I'd be happy to check it out. Porn isn't something that's going to disappear. It's something that is going to continue to evolve. Like I'm pretty sure there are even cave paintings of people having sex. I know damn well that people use to use art and literature as a way of expressing themselves and their desires. It's something that pretty much every civilization indulged in: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_erotic_depictions. And I think that to make porn more human is to bring back a sense of beauty and artistic flair or dare I say spirituality and intimacy back into the picture. The end product doesn't have to be something that is super gentle or censored or has this huge plot attached to it. It can be short, intense and vulgar even. But I think humanizing something and incorporating a sense of intimacy means to have a holistic and integrated view on it. I'm pretty sure I sound like a broken record but again, it's about the over all vibe and emotional energy that is put out there. I know I talked about this before on how I find porn boring and hell unstimulating but I feel that mainstream porn has such a focus on how the person having sex looks and not enough focus on how the whole thing physically feels, emotionally feels, what the set is like, the noises (like the amount that the women scream and the lack of men moaning is honestly just not it) etc. Camera shots are also incredibly important. For me, a huge close up on a penis ramming into a vagina does nothing to me. Instead, show me decent foreplay. Show me people actually making out for a while and have that build up instead of showing a guy force his tongue down a woman's throat for 3 seconds and then fucking her right away. Show me the way a man grabs a woman's wrist (or just the way a man uses his hands in general. Like it isn't about the hands themselves but it's what he does with them). Show me the way people embrace one another or the way their fingers interlock. Show me the way someone gets pushed down and the way they feel the weight of the other person on top of them. Show me the fear, the comfort, the melancholy, the pleasure, the pain, the excitement, the love that is in a person's eyes. Show me the heavy breathing. Show me the way people melt into one another. Show me something more than a bunch of naked people and a few penises and vaginas. That's the problem with mainstream porn in my opinion. It shows a lot naked bodies doing things but it doesn't reveal all that much. I don't think mainstream porn is revealing enough or stimulating enough. Personally given that a lot internet porn is boring af to me, I find myself resorting to audio, something to read, or just my own imagination instead. Recently, however, I've been cutting back on even reading things and relying more heavily on my own imagination. I have a couple of reasons for this. One is that I think it would be more helpful if I didn't have any outside influences muddying the waters of what I'm into. I want to see what I come up with organically without outside inspiration. The other reason is because I've been really sexually frustrated lately to where these things feel like they are reinforcing this idea that sex is something that isn't for me and that it’s something for other people. It hasn’t been the most emotionally healthy thing for me lately and I feel like there is a lot to unpack there before I do anything.

My Relationship With Porn I feel like this topic is a natural transition considering on how my last post was on NoFap, my opinions on it, and how there is a lot of discussion around misusing porn and getting an addiction from it in NoFap spaces. I think it would be best to break this thing down chronologically. So I first got exposed to porn when I was 13/14 years old. I didn't care for it all that much. I watched a couple videos here and there just out of pure curiosity. But I will say that I got on the rough sex section really easily and I wasn't mature enough to handle what I was seeing and the messed up what I thought was supposed to be pleasurable for a few years. I wrote about the normalization of rough sex and my experience with it in another post on this journal: Then at 14, that's when I found out asexuality was a thing and I had a strong suspicion that it was a label that applied to me. But I didn't want to go around telling I was asexual without contemplating this on my own. In addition to me contemplating and figuring out whether or not I felt sexual attraction, 14 year old me thought it was a ~*brilliant*~ idea to go on a porn binge. Basically my logic was *what if I watched a bunch of different videos in different categories to see if any thing turns me on and if nothing turns me on I guess I really am asexual.* Because what if I'm not asexual and I just have a really weird fetish or kink that I never knew about. Honestly, this binge left me feeling really drained and simply bored out of my god damn mind. It was awful. There was nothing pleasurable about it. And with this experience I concluded that I must be asexual because literally nothing that I watched during that binge turned me on in the slightest. Around 15/16 or so, I had a lot of body image issues. I think one time I saw a picture of Mia Khalifa in just regular clothes and I was like *you know what, low key we have a similar body type.* It's REALLY weird. She's like the same height and weight and she even has the same shoe size as me. The only difference is that her boobs are fake and she has abs and I don't have abs but my boobs are real. I guess you win some and you lose some lol. I watched a couple of her videos and I didn't get turned on (again, mind you I still identified as asexual) but I did get this sense of *I am seeing myself in this situation.* I started watching more porn as this weird sense of validation because women who physically had similar body types as me be seen in a desirable light. Because often times in the media, being really skinny and often really tall is seen as the ideal. And I am neither one of those things. And while porn got me out of this loop I had playing in my head of how ugly I looked and how disgusting my body was, I still didn't see myself as beautiful. It's messed up on how depiction of curvier women, even outside of porn, when they are portrayed in a positive light, it is always the light of sexiness rather than beauty. Sometimes it feels like there are two sides. Either you're being told that you're a fatty that needs to lose weight or no one will ever find you attractive or it's people staring at you from a young age and mainly focusing on your ass and tits and then you get told to covered up because now you're a whore who is asking for it. Also around 15 or so, I would use porn as a way to motivate myself to work out and eat better and it's so messed up in hindsight. I'm experiencing a lot of cringe when I write this paragraph out. But it reinforced this idea that I have to look a certain way to be seen as desirable and worthy of intimacy. I guess at the time it felt like a better, more realistic alternative. Because my body is closer to Mia Khalifa than it is to the average Victoria Secret model. It felt like watching my body but like an optimized version of it. This whole body image thing can be a post of it's own tbh. But the bottom line is that I went from seeing myself through this lens of ugliness to this lens of objectification. Both are dehumanizing. From like 17 and on wards, I didn't (and currently don't) watch a lot of porn. I have reasons for this. First of all, there is the racism aspect. Especially when it comes to the dehumanization of black men and just reducing them down to their dicks and there being this whole fetish on dark skinned black men fucking really tiny pale petite blonde women just is ewwwwww....... There is a lot of unpack here and that can be it's own post. I feel like whenever I watch porn, I need to watch white people porn to avoid dealing with the whole fetishization aspect. But then that also reinforces a lot of racial standards around beauty and desirability so there is no winning. Second there is the boredom aspect of it. I mentioned that porn made me bored out of my god damn mind earlier in this post. While me identifying as asexual has a huge part in it, I think the male gaze also has a large impact. There is a quote that I feel sums things up well. It goes along the lines of "when you watch porn, you're not watching a man and a woman, you're watching a penis and a vagina." And that really resonates with me. A lot of straight porn feels like it's devoid of connection and chemistry. It also doesn't do a good job on depicting pleasure for women because that isn't the audience that is usually kept in mind during shooting. I remember reading and article on why straight women often prefer lesbian porn over straight porn. A lot of it has to do with how lesbian porn has more of an emphasis on foreplay, giving/receiving oral, and things that actually make women cum. I mean, most women don't climax with penetration alone and when it comes to straight porn, penetration is the main thing that is depicted. Also related to the boredom aspect, there isn't much of an emphasis on the guy at all. Half of the time the guy is fucking ugly and the other half of the time he's just a penis and there is nothing that is there that would appeal to a woman's senses in the situation of watching a video. And as a result, I find myself getting bored and critiquing the interior design of the set and why the curtains don't match the rug literally. I would also say that blow job scenes do absolutely nothing for me. I think it would be fun to give one but watching someone else give one is boring. I would say that I wish they had a female pov but honestly, I just end up thinking about this meme about what you see vs what she sees: I would also say that I wish there was more of a plot and a sense of context in porn but then again knowing how notoriously bad porn acting is, I think I'll pass. But then again, you can create a feeling of intimacy and focus on how something feels rather than what something looks like through the way scenes are shot and what kinds of positions people are in. I really think there is a lot of things in porn that looks good on camera but probably wouldn't feel as good physically. Ok on second thought maybe we should have more bad acting and plot devices in porn because this is hilarious. This guy seems so genuinely confused and is giving me himbo energy. I love this. The comments on this video also kill me. And finally, there is the exploitation part of it. The whole industry is shady. There is a lot of revenge porn out there. There are people who get pressured to do certain scenes. And the whole thing just doesn't feel right. That's not to demonize porn but it's to point out on how badly sex workers get treated and how things get leaked without people's consent (another post for another day). Every now and then I do watch it just for something quick or some inspiration for my own imagination. Usually I don't watch more than a couple videos every other week or so. I've found other things that work for me. There isn't really a dependence or an addiction surrounding porn for me. I can go weeks and months without watching it and I'd be fine and I wouldn't have any cravings or a sense of repression because of it. I don't think there is inherently anything wrong with porn. I do think there needs to be more education around porn and what it depicts along with better practices in the industry. Imma do a part 2.

Just wanted to cross a few things out to see how much ground I'm covering when it comes to the things I want to talk about. It's been a little more than 2 weeks since I jotted this list down quickly. Even though I didn't have a specific post related to each of these items, there are posts that I really go into it to where I do end up expressing most of the thoughts I wanted to express.

LMAOOOO There is the crassness but on top of that I feel like there aren't that many constructive discussions that happen around sexuality in general. I feel like I have better conversations about all of this irl or on other social media platforms. There is just a lot of bullshit to weed through around here.

Time Travel Things After writing the previous post, I suddenly unlocked this memory from my childhood. I completely forgot about this show but I remember this was my shit growing up. I would get so excited when this was on TV on Saturday mornings. Basically, you have these three kids. One of them has an uncle who gives them this magic book that lets them travel through time and basically they use the book to have a bunch of these adventures where they learn about historical figures. I found a whole playlist on YouTube with all of the episodes. I rewatched a couple for old times sake and even though it's a little corny, I still enjoyed it. I mentioned Meet The Robinsons in my last post. I swear this was the movie that always played in my school because there was always that one kid that would recommend this when everyone else was indecisive. I probably watched this movie at least once a year every year from when it came out to like 2011. I remember being sick of this movie as a kid. But now it just gives me nostalgia. I remember one time I told my dad about how much I liked the whole time travel trope and he introduced me to the Back to the Future Trilogy. I still think the way the doors open upward in the DeLorean is really cool. I wish there were more cars like that but in different models because other than the cool door thing, the car wasn't all that. I also found it really interesting on how people in the 80s envisioned what 2015 would look like. I remember when New Years rolled around and it was 2015, I immediately just thought that this was the year when Marty goes to the future and fucks shit up. There was also the Twilight Zone. It was on every now and then on this one channel that had all of the old TV shows on there. Tbh I don't remember much of the show but I do remember enjoying it, feeling creeped out, and feeling like my mind was fucked every time I watched an episode. I also enjoyed the other shows that were on there and I found it interesting on seeing what things were like back then. I wrote about this a while back. And then there is my grandmother. She was born in 1918 in what is now Bangladesh. She was alive when the British were in India (pre-1947), when Partition happened (1947), when Bangladesh was a part of Pakistan(1947-1971), and then when Bangladesh got it's independence and became it's own country (1971). During that time she could have had a British Indian passport, she did have a Pakistani passport, and a Bangladeshi passport without moving anywhere. And then later on in her life she immigrated to the U.S. I can't say that I was super close to her but growing up every now and then I would catch myself marveling about the amount of shit and the amount of change she saw in her life. Technologically, it's interesting but again, the social aspect is more interesting to me which I wrote about in the post I linked above. I guess the main disheartening thing about the topic of time travel is that I'm a brown woman who is not quite straight. Every now and then I would get asked *what time period do you want to travel back to* and it's always awkward because ummm... basic human rights...... And it's always a white man who asks this question. I guess if I could go to any time period, I'd try to go to the future but then again, given how things are going, I don't even know if I would like what I would see lol. But I still stand by the answer because even if the future isn't pretty, I would still get that wtf factor and I think that would still be interesting.

The Place for the Female Gaze on this Forum There is this sense of isolation that I feel here. I think I always felt it but I'm starting to notice it more and be more mindful of it as I've been writing in this journal. I know damn well that women aren't really on this forum and that a lot of things, especially things that relate to dating and sexuality, are largely filtered through the male gaze. I feel like as I've been delving into the ways that I view sex and sexuality as a whole, the contrast between the male gaze and the female gaze feels more and more clear. In a way, I feel like I'm moving more into the construct aware stage where you start to really notice how much language and the paradigms you think with (or hell even the way movies are shot) influences your reality internally and externally. Because when it comes to the topic of female sexuality and what is considered sexy according to the eyes of the average man and the average woman, you can tell a lot about a person's attitudes towards women implicitly or explicitly when you listen to them describe what aspect exactly they find attractive and how they choose to describe it. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this before but straight men describing a hot girl and lesbian/bisexual woman describing a hot girl (or hell how straight women describe hot girls even though they aren't attracted to them sexually) feel like completely different energies. Or even how the way men describe women they find attractive vs how the way women describe men who they find attractive feel like different energies. I'm probably going to get into that later in a different post that I have planned since I feel like I'm straying from the topic. But yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm journaling about my thoughts and experiences in the wrong place with the wrong audience. And I've noticed that as I've been becoming more aware of the difference between the male and female gaze through journaling and mindfulness, and the more the differences become more stark, the more uncomfortable going into the dating section of this forum feels. The dating section of this forum always made me uncomfortable for a variety of reasons to where I try to ignore it when I can. But after journaling on here, this feels like another level. I've also been taking more of a break from this forum and talking to other people in my life, both men and women, and I feel there is this clash between my direct experience with what people talk about on here. And tbh, this uncomfy feeling sometimes makes me hesitant to write out my thoughts here because I get an impression that people probably think I'm incredibly deluded and deceived when it comes to articulating my own desires. I don't think it's to the point where I get a sense of anxiety or that I'm afraid of what other people will say (like I'm pretty sure I'm not THAT important on this forum for the weirdos to target lol). But in a way, I feel like whenever this journal has a new post and goes up to the top of the "Self-Actualization Journals" section, there is a collective eyeroll. Again, I highly doubt the guys who would actually be triggered with my content would even have the patience to read my long posts and therefore I'm probably having an inflated sense of self in a way (like hey, you're not special, no one cares and no one is looking your way, you're good lol. Do what ever you want nothing matters.). But I guess there is this form of intimidation that comes with offering an alternative view that goes against the grain when you aren't even trying. And because I'm not trying to push anything and a lot of the stuff I'm saying is coming from an authentic exploration of my own desires and views, there is an even greater sense of vulnerability at play. I guess what this journal hits at more is how it reveals on how I sometimes feel out of place as a woman on this forum especially when I try to explain my views around dating and relationships. And while that can feel intimidating, articulating my point of view also feels rather empowering. I feel like I'm carving out more of a space for women to do the same on here even if that means being able to relate to something that I wrote or rethinking something.

Thoughts on No Fap It's October 2019. I can't sleep so I decided to go on YouTube. The algorithm had me come across this guy who does these parodies of people who do the absolute most when it comes to self help. I watched a few of his videos because I thought it was entertaining (tbh, that isn't much of a feat because it was 3 am in the morning, I'm bored, I'm high on life, and I will laugh at anything during crack head hours). After watching a few of his videos, the algorithm started recommending me videos from I guess other chunk of content this guy makes on his channel. And next thing I know, I'm watching a bunch of videos with this guy who is telling me how I shouldn't bust a nut lmao. Tbh, I caught myself binging some of his videos because it had that wtf factor and it was very contradictory view on my personal opinions. I thought *hey why not be a little open minded and explore contradictory opinions because maybe I'll learn something. And you know what, even if I don't learn anything, the wtf factor will make things funny and entertaining.* Me watching NoFap videos: And then I forgot about all of this until I came across people talking about NoFap on this forum. I guess the basic impression I get from NoFap is that a lot of it often is linked to guys having an unhealthy and even addictive relationship with porn. Consequently, not jacking off is seen as a solution and people try to not jack off for long periods of time to achieve some type of desired end result. Some people do it to get over their addiction while others claim that NoFap helps them be more creative and preserve energy. The first I get. The second, I'll admit I'm rather skeptical of. I feel like a lot of it has to do with placebo tbh. My hunch is that dealing with addictive behaviors linked to masturbation such as issues with porn along with avoiding masturbation because you use it as some type of coping mechanism to avoid dealing with other issues with your life are the things that are actually helping these men. Because if you take away the coping mechanism and actually address what's happening, that's when the improvements come about. Personally, I tried this. It wasn't really hard tbh and I didn't get much of a benefit from it. My guess is that I didn't get results because I never used masturbation as a coping mechanism to avoid my problems and because I never had an addictive relationship to porn. The reason why NoFap felt contradictory to my opinion around masturbation is because prior to finding this guy, I had this experiment with myself. One night I was basically like *what would happen if I jacked off every night for 30 days.* It wasn't anything super serious. It just came from a place of lighthearted curiosity. Basically after that, I noticed that I handled stress better and it was easier to fall asleep (apparently there is a hormonal explanation for this). I also felt that I had a better relationship with my body. This manifested in both me figuring out what I physically liked technique wise as well as seeing my body as desirable, not for anyone else but for me and for me only. My body is desirable to me not because of the way it looks or what I can do with it, but because it's mine and mine only. This experiment helped get rid of shame that I had around my body and my sexuality that I didn't know I even had at the time. I think for women, sex, especially masturbation, is seen as dirty and sinful. I feel that it is still something that is still taboo to talk about. I think most people are ok with guys jacking off but when it comes to women, there are people who get all triggered about it. I feel that a lot of it has to do with how women's pleasure isn't prioritized during sex, even in the topic of self pleasure. It goes back to this whole attitude of how sex is something that done to women rather than with women which is a whole nother post by itself. I think when it comes to emotions like shame, it's one of those things that can subconsciously bleed into other areas of your life. But on the flipside, resolving shame can also cause beneficial things to bleed into other areas of your life. Because society as a whole tends to have shame wrapped around female sexual energy, that also bleeds into having shame around female energy as a whole. And unpacking some of that shame, even if it mainly pertained to my sexuality and my body, it still improved my relationship to my over all energy and sense of confidence as well as assertiveness as a whole. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it wasn't necessarily the masturbation that caused this sense of confidence and assertiveness rather it was me doing the work to unpack the shame and build a healthy sexual relationship with myself. Busting a nut, as nice as it might feel, is something I see as spiritual and magical lol. But it still is a part of my whole self care routine. Interesting enough, this sense of confidence and assertiveness is something that a lot of NoFap people talk about when they talk about the benefits of their practice. I don't think that this sense of confidence and assertiveness is necessarily attributed to NoFap itself rather it's about finding ways to have a better sexual relationship with yourself. When it comes to cultivating that healthier relationship, a lot of it depends on what's making that relationship unhealthy in the first place and what your particular situation is like. Solutions to problems tend to be as unique as the problem is itself. Overall I feel that for some people, NoFap can be beneficial but for other people it can miss the mark in dealing with the actual problem or worse lead to a form of repression.

Thank you

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Winter Winter When I think of the winter months, I don't really think of the cold (because I live in a place that usually doesn't really get cold), rather I think of the coziness that surrounds the holidays. If there is one word that would sum up this side of my sexuality, I would say that it is coziness. It's the side that is more so rooted in self care. I also feel like during the winter months that I tend to become more self focused especially around New Years where I focus on self care, self improvement, and getting to know myself more. Even though the other sides also have an emphasis on sensuality, I would say that sensuality is even more emphasized in Winter because of the way that it fuses with self care. Winter likes candles, lotion, massages, hot showers, bubble baths and self pleasure. I feel like ever since I got an idea of what I liked physically, masturbation basically became part of my self care routine at night. I wash my face, moisturize my skin, bust a nut and then go to sleep lmao. I would describe Winter as self focused/ self loving, sensual, relaxed, and grounded. Aesthetically speaking, while I would say that the other sides have a more cohesive aesthetic fashion wise, Winter is more focused on how something physically feels and is projecting internally rather than what it looks like and what kind of energy it's projecting out. I feel like Winter as an aesthetic can range from cuddling with someone in comfy clothes and fuzzy socks and feeling the warmth to sleeping naked by yourself at night simply because it feels nice. I think the way Winter comes out is mainly through my love language. Basically for those who aren't familiar with the 5 Love Languages, they are basically ways people tend to communicate and receive love and the ways they feel the most cared for. The 5 love languages are physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. While the 5 love languages are usually discussed in the context of a relationship, whether it be a romantic relationship, parent/child relationships, or even friendships, they can also be applied to self care. For me, my prominent love languages are physical touch and quality time. And I feel that I use my sexuality for myself to meet both aspects because this is me being present with myself and spending quality time with myself as well as obviously appealing to my five senses through touch. Some music that I associate with this side of my sexuality are really anything that is in a language I don't speak. The reason why I specify languages that I don't speak is because I feel like when you don't understand the lyrics, you're more likely to pay attention to the sound and the voice and the syllables in the lyrics basically becomes part of the melody. I feel that because I don't mentally understand what's going on, I'm forced to be more intuitive and go with the over all vibe the music is painting. It's as if it causes me to be more physically present by calling more attention towards my senses right here and now rather than analyzing what's happening in the song lyrically (I already tend to be hyper analytic and in my head, and sometimes I just need a break lol). The first song is one of my favorites. I love things that are slowed and adding in the rain just makes the whole thing so perfect.

Different Sides to My Sexuality: Fall Fall I feel like Fall is basically an extension of my prolonged emo phase lol. I also feel like I tap into it when it's actually fall and winter because my wardrobe during that time of the year usually has darker colors. This side of my sexuality really has me feeling like the big titty goth girl friend meme lmao. Other than that, if I were to describe Fall, I would describe her as openminded, assertive, fearless, and intimidating. I would say that this side of my sexuality switches between overtness and subtlety, kind of like the Dua Lipa / St Vincent performance I linked in the previous page of this journal. While Spring has a soft form of femininity and Summer has a bold form of femininity, I would say instead of femininity, Fall has a more masculine tendency. Summer also has this sense of dominance that comes from a very bold and feminine way but I would say Fall's dominance comes in a dominance that is rooted in a quiet sense of confidence. Again, there is this overt subtlety. There is also this sense of mysteriousness that is wrapped up in all of this. Part of the way this subtlety and mysteriousness I believe shows up in my aesthetic when I embrace this part of myself is that I tend to dress more conservatively in the sense I'm more covered up (again, it's fall, it's getting colder). I think the masculine vibe comes through with the sharp angles and the way it fits my body more. I feel like I embraced this side of my style and my sexuality more when I was a teenager. I'm not super into this aesthetic now because I dressed like this for such a long time to where when I wear black, it just feels stale lol because I feel my old energy. But even though I feel like I'm in a different energy, I still feel that I exude this sense of control and intimidation around people. Again, there is this sense of assertiveness and the fact that I'm pretty firm in my boundaries, and I have been told that I come off as the type of person that has their shit together (even when I really don't). I don't see this sense of intimidation a bad thing because what I've noticed is that usually the people that are intimidated by me, they're usually not the type of people I want to deal with in the first place. I think it aids in the vetting process and also protects me as well. I wouldn't say that Fall is emotionally closed off or on edge around emotional connection. Like Spring, there is this sense of wanting to emotionally connect and delve into intimacy and vulnerability more. It just manifests in a different way. It's less soft and more intense. I just think always being submissive would get really boring. I think I would like a nice mix in the way I express myself. I would also add that this energy doesn't really align along the lines of "hot witch girlfriend" but it's more along the lines of the scary put together person that dress mainly in dark colors and that you are afraid to cross in the workplace because you're afraid that she will bite your head off. But also there is a part of you that wouldn't mind having your head bitten off. As for music, even though I don't listen to St. Vincent like that, I think the energy she puts out is a really good embodiment of how I feel inside.