soos_mite_ah

Oral Fixation And today I'm going to talk about the variety of things I have in mind lol. This is in no particular order. 1. The whole cigarette thing: I already did a whole post a couple weeks ago. Like it in theory but definitely not in practice. When I was asexual, my focus was more on the aesthetic of the smoke itself but I feel like now my focus is more about people putting things in their mouths and wrapping their lips around it. 2. Having your partner feed you fruits or chocolate: This is one of those things that's really cliche, border line obnoxious, romantic things I always thought was cute. But I feel like ever since I stopped identifying as asexual, even though I still think this is cute, I also think it's kind of hot. Just the idea of someone putting things in my mouth while I'm in his arms and he is making eye contact with me is a turn on. Also, experimenting with food is something that I'm open to trying. 3. Having him put his finger in your mouth: I feel like it would give him a nice preview of what I can do and what's to come. I also feel like it's a dominance thing as well. Again, eye contact is important. Thought it was kind of weird when I was asexual but here I am lol. 4. Him tracing his fingers on my lips or him playing with my lips: Don't feel like I need much elaboration on that one. 5. Gently biting while making out or leaving marks: I guess the first thing that comes to mind is hickies. I also like anything that involves stimulation from the shoulders up so basically this combines two things for me. Another thing that comes to mind is leaving lipstick marks. I think there is an element of playful possessiveness. I like the element of possessiveness in physical affection but not so much in the overall relationship dynamic. 6. Giving head: This is one of those things that not only did I think was weird when I was asexual, but it actually felt gross. And even now, if I think too hard about it, I turn myself off lol. I also have some anxiety around this because like... what if he smells or taste weird? Would I even like the taste of standard dick? Is this one of those things like the cigarette thing which I like in theory but not in practice? Idk man. I think my other thing is that I don't fantasize about this period. The thing that actually turns me on more is making eye contact and being on my knees. 7. The pocky game: Honestly, I think its is more of my inner weeb talking rather than the oral fixation.

I also have a friend whose younger brother's idea of fun is out smarting people who make a bunch of scam calls. He likes to mess with their head because to him the scamming tactics are so blatant and obvious it's comical to him. He especially likes pointing out the holes in the scammer's logic and watch them stutter and get all freaked out because someone saw right through them and it's super awkward for the scammer.

My cousin got a text from a relative and the text said something along the lines of how he was stranded somewhere and there was some emergency and how he needed a couple of thousand dollars. My cousin sent the money, no questions asked. Turns out his relative's account got hacked and the hacker was sending everyone that message. My thing is... if there was a situation like that, my first thought would be to pause, call this relative to check in on what was happening, and then take additional action (especially when we're talking about that kind of money). A simple phone call would have been enough to verify what was going on. The whole thing was a major face palm moment and my other younger cousins and I wanted to make fun of him but the poor guy got depressed for a week and was really ashamed of himself for being an idiot.

I agree, it is different for everyone because everyone has different nutritional and psychological needs. I feel that to really eat healthy you need to find healthy food you actually like, find the right amount of certain nutrients/ food groups that are good for you, identify any food sensitivities you might have by feeling into your body, and have a good relationship with food where you aren't neurotic about it.

If you eat healthy for a while and then try to eat something super greasy and/or high in sugar, you're going to be grossed out (kind of like if you're a nonsmoker and you are around people who smoke). But if you eat that kind of food constantly, you're just going to be used to the over stimulation and it will be normal for you. That over stimulation of your tastebuds can feel nice but it can get addictive.

@Raphael LMAO I mean, no judgement, you were just really upfront. It's valid I get where you're coming from

What Does it Mean to be a MILF Ok this is going to be a very weird post because I've had a couple of very weird interactions. In the past 2 weeks, I've had 3 different teenage girls (ages ranging from 17 to 19, I work with two of them at a store and the third one is my friend) call me a MILF. In all of the times I started laughing and was like wtf because I'm pretty sure I'm too young to be a MILF. And whenever I told them that they were like "no, but you're spiritually a MILF" and then they said they were half joking. Like... wtf does that even mean lol. I know it's not that serious but the fact that this happened 3 times, whenever my mind wanders, sometimes it goes to this place where it's just like "what does it mean to be a MILF?" This also reminds me on how my friends and I basically made daddy into a meme years ago. Like we would jokingly call each other daddy and it was basically short hand for someone who was assertive, out there, and didn't take shit. Again, we were half joking. At this point, if a guy asks me to call him daddy, there is a good chance that I'm going to burst out laughing and the poor guy will have his ego hurt and might feel kink shamed and then I'm going to be laying there like *wait... were you serious?* and then I might just continue laughing. I think now instead of daddy, mommy and MILF caught on. I think my interpretation of MILF energy is similar to being the cool aunt. It's someone who has a maternal vibe but it doesn't come out in a traditionally maternal way. I know when it comes to me, I do care and people see me as someone they can go to for advice and emotional support but I'm not super nurturing in these instances. And I'm hot so there is that. Over all, it's a compliment lol. But yeah, this is something that has been on my mind. I thought I'd talk about something a little more lighthearted because my last few posts were rather intense and had a lot to unpack personally. I guess I'm going to close this with, fellas, what do you think is MILF energy? ???

I talked to a professional astrologer today. I felt personally attacked by the reading. Everyone is gangster until the astrologer lady who has never met you spells out all of your childhood trauma and how it affects you today as well as psychoanalyze your parents.

Also complete unrelated side note: I love how I refer to my friends in my journal entries as if I have a lot of them when in reality I'm talking about the same 3 people 90 percent of the time and in the other 10 percent of the time I'm talking about a random acquaintance I had years ago.

Environment and Life Style Sometimes I catch myself going into these spirals of how I feel like I'm too ugly on the inside and outside to date and find a relationship. But then I'm like.... nah girl you ain't ugly, you have been stuck in the house since March 2020 and literally haven't had an interaction with a male your age since then. Stop throwing a pity party. Then I started thinking about how a lot of my friends are also in a similar boat where they are absolutely gorgeous inside and out but are also forever alone. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we are homebodies that dont go out that often mainly because we're overworked and at the end of the day or week, we dont have the energy to go out and party and instead we spend the time doing a hobby or binging on a show we found. Most of my close friends are generally low key and try to mind their business and take care of their shit. Also, most of us dont drink so it's very unlikely that one of us is going to be like "let's go to a bar and get drinks." I'm not trying to say that there is anything wrong with that life style but what I'm saying is that we arent exposed to as many people and we tend to hang out with our own close knit groups and cultivate those friendships when we get the chance. I had two roommates. One was a girl who was going out super regularly (to the point where I basically had a single dorm) and she had a relatively low pressure major so she didnt have as much school stress or financial stress hanging over at all times. The second girl had a really high pressure major and had to balance two jobs to afford going to college and didnt go out anywhere more than once a month. Guess who was getting more dates, numbers etc. Both of these girls are equally beautiful and were amazing to be around and what I'm trying to say is that looks/personality weren't the factors at play in their differences in dating lives. I also think about my environment growing up. I live in a small town and went to an even smaller private school because that was the best option for me educationally. There werent that many guys there period. Then in high school, I went to another nerd school lol, but I would say roughly 65 out of the 100 people in my grade were other girls and whenever people did date, they'd have to really go out of their way to meet people outside of school because you just didnt have many options. College has been a disaster because of this pandemic so theres that. Also demographics play a role too. I had a friend who went to school in a predominantly white, conservative, wealthy area. And as a woman of color, she was always bullied for her features and called ugly. But the moment she left that area and went somewhere more diverse and progressive, suddenly a bunch of people were showing interest in her and she also had better options. And finally you have living in a conservative brown family. I'd rather honestly die before having my parents find out that I talk to men or worse, have them meet the person I'm dating. And growing up I was basically like, ehh... I have too much on my plate already, I don't want to add sneaking around for a mediocre man to the list. Like it's not worth the hassle. So basically at the end of the day... I cant really complain tbh.

Yeah I found that happening at one point where I started getting attached to detachment and started developing a spiritual ego. Since then I decided that I was going to take a break from spiritual content and spirituality as a whole because I was basically picking at old wounds and I was using detachment as a way to avoid dealing with my needs. It can which is why I've been focusing more on self acceptance rather than just trying to fix things and change myself as my approach to development. But I also think me acknowledging my need for healing and a sense of gentleness is also really important instead of bypassing it. A lot of times, me desire to heal has come from a place of wanting to give myself a sense of peace rather than from a place of self deprecation. I also try to take breaks from this work so that it doesnt go towards that direction. I think a lot of that comes from the whole conversation about life during and after abuse and difficult situations. A lot of people write you off as dysfunctional, neurotic, or just plain crazy when you tell them what happened and how it's affecting you. Some of it is fair dont get me wrong. You need to confront and see unhealthy coping mechanisms for what they are. But sometimes it can interfere with the empathy you give yourself or the empathy others give to you because the line between judgement and discernment can get foggy at times. Because things like anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, they dont make a person toxic on it's own and those issues are perfectly valid and reasonable responses to the situation at hand. If they are reasonable responses, they arent something you have to fix in the sense that you have to get over them. Rather it's important to come from a place of acceptance and as a result it fixes itself. It really depends on the situation at hand. And yes, wholeness is our default state. But sometimes we can stray from that for whatever reasons. Sometimes it's unnecessary self judgement from being to critical of yourself and sometimes it's the surrounding environment and traumatic events. How you approach getting back to that default state is going to depend on what's causing you to be out of alignment in the first place.

Another side note because I'm coming up with new things and I'm realizing that I didnt think my main post through before writing: I think focusing on self development/mental health, school, friends, in that order has helped me stay out of trouble and over all has had a positive impact on my life. I just think that on the way there, because of things like my family circumstance, my school system, and over all economic pressure to perform, I developed some hang ups and limiting beliefs on the importance of romantic relationships and figuring out what I'm into. While I do have some idea as to what I want and what I'm willing to tolerate, I guess I'm trying to get to a place where I dont down play this thing and write it off as something an unneccessary waste of time.

Additional note: I genuinely don't get how people have the time and energy to go out super regularly (like multiple times a week) or date multiple people or have a fwb or two or more. By the time I'm done with the week, even though I'm not working all the time, I need time for myself to check in with myself, spend time with myself, take care of myself, and just be. As for friends, there are some I see on a regular basis but even then we might talk once every couple weeks and I might have something social planned like once a month. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to that but in general, at the end of the day or week, the last thing I want to do is spend more energy on talking to people. And now, since I'm not currently at school, even though I have all this free time on my hands, my first thought it "great I can spend more time on myself and healing shit" not "great I have time I can spend with people and now I can finally date." Because the first is treated like an essential while the later is treated like an add on.

Policing and Deprioritizing Intimacy I talked about my whole deal with priorities a while back in my main journal. Here is that entry: I also included a couple of key points I wanted to write about more today: I am noticing this whole feeling of me wasting my life by contemplating this very topic is coming up more. I feel like I could be more productive in pouring my energy else where if I wasn't contemplating what I liked and what I'm attracted to. Part of me thinks it isn't that important and again I'm just wasting my time. But I still find myself drawn to wanting to figure out this part of my life. And the whole thing feels exhausting but also natural.. It's exhausting in the sense that I find a lot of resistance in thinking about this but it also feels natural because I allow myself that space to let my wander. There is a sense of guilt that also comes with this. It isn't the typical puritanical type of guilt where you're sitting there feeling ashamed because you're unclean or unholy or some shit. But it's this thing that kicks in and invalidates any amount of work that I'm putting into myself and writing it off as "well you could have done something more useful, stop fucking around, this won't lead anywhere, why bother." This might be a cultural thing but I always felt that me being physically and emotionally intimate was heavily policed in my family. Firstly when it comes to romantic and sexual situations, it's an unwritten rule where basically if you bring it up it's going to make everything weird. You're not supposed to be doing anything with anyone in the first place, what do you mean you want to have a conversation about it? What's there to talk about? But even when it comes to friendship and family relationships, I was taught that I'm not allowed to open up to anyone who wasn't my parents because they are going to judge me, gossip about me, or backstab me. But parental influence aside, I always felt like I had too much on my plate. Guys were the last thing on my mind. First I have to figure out how to survive, cope, and heal in my toxic household so that I can move out in one piece. In the mean time I need to focus on school so I can get into a decent college with a scholarship that will cover everything so that I can have some type of leverage so my parents can let me move out. And finally I need to have some friends so I don't go completely insane in the process of all of this. College wasn't much better because I moved out a mess and I had to spend time cleaning that up only to be dragged back in again. Even prioritizing my mental health always seemed like a waste of time because the time I spent processing, feeling, and making sense of what I was going through, could have been spent on getting ahead academically and career wise. And god knows I'm not about to start meeting new people while there is still a pandemic around so I'm probably looking at another 2 years of hanging around and not doing anything sexually or romantically because I have a shitty immune system and I'm not about to get my parents sick because they are at risk. But guys and relationships. come on... I still have trouble prioritizing this because at least I know with friends and mental health that I know that it's going to pay off in the end. Men come and go and a lot of times relationships when you're young is a sure way to incur trauma. There isn't much upsides and there is a lot of risk. It isn't worth it. This has been my mentality for a long time and these were the messages I've been always sent. There is also this thing that I heard growing up which is when you get your life together, a romantic relationship will magically fall into place without trying. Take care of everything else and this aspect of your life will take care of itself. While there is some truth to that, not putting any effort into what you may or may not like and just being a hermit for 25+ years working on yourself and your life isn't exactly the answer either. Tbh even after writing all of this in this post and this journal, me contemplating this really feels like a waste of time. Especially writing this given that I don't have exciting experiences to share feels like a waste of time. Like I feel like I'm so in my head and so analytical on this subject that I take a sexy fun subject and make it deeply unsexy by sucking the fun out of it.

Lol I know. I just felt the need to say something because there are a lot of weird / "nice" guys on here who would take some shit a little to seriously to justify their bs.

Ummm.... That's not even a girls thing. That's a trauma bond and I'd imagine Stockholm syndrome. Extreme cases aside, I think people tend to either naturally outgrow wanting to go for toxic girls/guys or they out heal whatever was causing those desires. I feel like growing up a lot of young girls/guys (I'm talking mainly from 13 to 17 ish), if it isn't trauma, related go for people who are problematic because they put their preferences above their standards mainly because they don't know what their standards are and aren't sure about potential red flags. Then they get into a toxic situation and because the highs are really high and the lows are really low, there is an addiction that forms from the whole rollercoaster. And if that rollercoaster goes unchecked without reflection, it can create a domino effect of dysfunctional relationships. I mean guys aren't immune to the emotional highs and lows that can come from dysfunction lol. We're all crazy here with our individual pain bodies lol.

@Raphael @Gregory1 I appreciate it

Oh lmao. Sorry I got that mixed up My stupid ass was sitting there wondering how tf someone would get involved with the mafia in any way at 9 lol ??? But still how tf do you get involved with the mafia at 15 wtf? Like what in the lana del dysfunction is this

Wait.... I thought this girl was 17..?

Something that I've been observing in myself is how conservative I am when it comes to dealing with my personal life. I rarely act on impulse and I really think things through before doing anything. I am very risk adverse. I think a lot of it has to do with how I grew up. I grew up around a lot of adults that give shitty advice and who have made shitty life choices. As a result, I got this laundry list of things I shouldn't do. And while that is better than nothing, the reason why I have to think through everything is because just because you know what the wrong decisions are, doesnt mean you know what the right decision is. It's kind of like taking a multiple choice exam. You can either cross out all the wrong choice and arrive at the right answer through the process of elimination or you can decisively go with the right answer. The later is much more efficient and painfree. And I think that's the difference in making life decisions for people who grew up with little to no or bad guidance growing up and are aware of it versus people who has a healthy upbringing. I know listening to my parents is going to lead me straight to hell and I know so many paths to hell. But when it comes to figuring out where I want to go, I'm completely on my own. Its terrifying. Its overwhelming. And it is fucked up that I had to navigate things on my own emotionally for so long.

God I really just want a hug right now and some reassurance that things will be alright....like I feel really deprived of physical touch and emotional connection and tbh I feel wrong for feeling this way because part of me is like "no you cant lean on anyone except yourself stop being needy" and I'm really trying to deconstruct that.

Is it possible to get into a healthy fulfilling relationship even if your life isnt where you want it to be and you still have issues with anxiety and depression granted that you're good with being vigilant of red flags, a good judge of character, and have good boundaries?

Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized: Part 2 So from part 1, basically what I was getting at is that because of both racism and fatphobia, growing up I was seen as both undesirable as well as a fetish of sorts. In this part, I'm going to talk about how being sexualized has been at odds with me feeling like I can express myself and see myself as sexual. I think fetishization and sexualization are also at odds with feeling desired romantically and sexually because of the way you're dehumanized. Don't get me wrong, I like it when I'm approached by guys, complimented or hell even looked. When it comes to being looked at even in a sexual, it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is the staring. I have seen hot guys too and I get the temptation to stare. But I have the decency of doing the shifty eye thing where you do quick glances at their direction and that's it. Staring on the other hand is fucking creepy and makes you feel like prey. I feel like even though staring and glancing can both have attraction attached to it, out of the two, staring (even when you do the bare minimum and don't yell weird shit( lacks empathy and social awareness because you aren't taking what the other person might be feeling in those circumstances. And basically, I think that element of empathy is what separates someone from seeing another person as beautiful and sexy vs being gross and objectifying them. I also have a bunch of outfits that I feel sexy in but I'm too afraid to wear them outside of my house because men are trash. It's just funny how if misogyny wasn't a thing, my outfits would probably be more revealing. Tbh, I'd probably be shirtless more often. But since that's not happening in my life time, I guess I'm stuck feeling envious of the guys who can just walk around shirtless with no one caring and I'm stuck thinking to myself *maybe I would have my tits out if people like you didn't exist* when a guy yells at me to flash him. I feel like because of the way I'm sexualized that I don't feel like I can express myself authentically. Like there is a safety concern that pops up. Because people, especially men, don't get nuance, I feel like if I were to express myself and embody my own sexuality more and put myself in a situation where I'm desired, if there is some weird or creepy shit that someone does, it would be justified with "wait isn't this what you wanted? Didn't you want the attention and to be desired?" There is also a part of me that can't take myself seriously as someone who is sexy or desirable. I think there is two parts on how I don't feel like I fit this archetype of seduction. I feel so silly because it's comical on how it isn't super authentic. It's one thing to not resonate with something because it doesn't feel authentic. That's fine. But the other factor that I would want to unpack is how this feels silly and comical. While I can laugh this off, I guess the reason why I'm laughing in the first place is because there is a part of my head that's subconsciously like "you don't seriously think you're like this are you? Like come on. No one would attracted to you of all people." I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wish I was seen as beautiful and sexy in an empathetic light that doesn't make me feel like I have to be vigilant on how I'm being treated.

Being Sexual vs Being Sexualized: Part 1 A heads up before I even start: This is going to be all over the place and may or may not make sense because I'm writing this out to organize my own thoughts and I'm low key confused myself. In other words, as I'm writing this, I feel like this spongebob meme: Something I've been thinking about in the past few days is how I feel like I'm often sexualized and looked at mainly through a sexual lens while also feeling incredibly ugly and undesirable to where I feel like I'm going to die a virgin. Basically, I feel like I can't be sexual but I often feel sexualized. And I feel like I can't admit to myself how I feel ugly and undesirable in the eyes of other people. My brain immediately points to "well you can't complain about feeling undesirable, I'm sure if you put yourself out there, plenty of people would want to fuck you. You're built like a Kardashian without trying. There are women out there who try to get surgery to get what you naturally have and there are men out there who like pictures of women on Instagram who are trying to emulate what you have and that pisses off their girlfriends." But I still feel ugly and undesirable. *sigh* There's a lot to unpack. If I were to summarize my thoughts without getting too messy and detailed, I would say this. The difference between being sexualized and being sexual comes down to consent. Being sexualized is something that is put onto you. Being sexual is something that you choose for yourself. Being desirable has it's root in empathy. I guess the only way all of this will make sense as it pertains to this weird complex I have is if I go chronologically. So I went to elementary school in a mainly white area. I remember getting the message of what it means to be beautiful really quickly, skinny, tall, blonde, blue eyes. I on the other hand was a short chubby brown kid, basically the opposite of the spectrum. And all of the kids, both girls and guys, just labelled me as ugly. They never pointed at one particular trait and laughed. They never even pointed in my brownness. They just thought I was ugly without any awareness that this might have a racial undertone. At that age I didn't even think it had anything to do with my ethnicity until I had to unpack this shit in therapy more than a decade later. Then I got to middle school. And I would say that the environment was pretty diverse. I would say that there are handful of experiences that basically foreshadowed the bs that I would have to deal with as an adult. One time I liked a guy and he rejected me. That sucked but I got over it. What caused me to get trauma from this incident and cry myself asleep a week later was when I found it's because he "only dates white girls." I was 12 and I had no idea how to handle this and my family definitely didn't help and my grandma insisted on trying to bleach my skin and get me to lose weight. Another time I guy liked me and I rejected him. It was kinda awkward because we were both socially awkward 13 year olds but it honestly wasn't that bad and I moved on with my life without a second thought an hour later. What actually made this uncomfortable was that a coupled months later I found out that this guy had a princess Jasmine fetish and basically had an Asian fetish mixed a white savior complex. (also now that I think about it, throughout middle and high school, most of the white girls had a boyfriend and some of the WOC who had Eurocentric features also were in relationships, the rest of us were single). So that was the race part. Now I'm going to talk about the way that my body developed. Growing up (and even now to a much lesser extent), I felt fat and as a result ugly. Looking back at old pictures, I really wasn't fat, just short and as a result a little squishy because my weight didn't distribute like the skinny tall kids. The standards of the early 2000s really messed with my head and I have written about that in the past. I also started physically developing at a earlier age. So while all of the other kids still looked like kids, I looked grown. And race doesn't help either since women of color tend to be seen as older at an earlier age and be robbed of their childhood in a way. And my curvier body on one hand was deemed disgusting by the standard of thinness and thigh gaps while at the same I had men twice my age look at me and yell vulgar things at me. And instead of having an adult guide me through this and explain to me what was going on, I instead had my mom call me a fat whore who's asking for it just by existing. She made sure I covered up and made sure I never ate too much. But even when I covered up and starved myself to a size zero in plain sight, my tits and my ass still remained. I still looked like a grown woman because of how I'm built. And even though I'm in college, I don't really get guys my age hitting on me. I always get approached by guys who are roughly a decade older than me. And even though I consider myself lucky that I have yet to run into someone super sketchy since all of these guys backed off after they found out how old I was, I also feel like I don't exist to guys my age romantically or sexually (I guess it's relevant to mention that I go to a predominantly white university where racism tends to run rampant). I brought this up with friends and they told me that " you don't look like a teenager or someone in their early 20s because of the way you're built." It's like even though these guys probably weren't creeps who were just looking to have sex and leave (tbh I don't even know because the conversation never lasted so long for me to figure out), I still felt sexualized I guess because of the way I was aged up and the way that reminded me of the shit dealt with growing up. I'm sometimes tempted to try to lose weight again just so I look my age but I remind myself that I tried that before and it didn't go over too well. After dealing with all of this, I still learned to see myself as beautiful. I genuinely think I'm beautiful. But I do have a hesitation when it comes to whether or not other people see me in that way. There is only so much you can heal in a toxic system.

Also note to self: I'm not saying that it's a good idea to seek out friends and partners solely for healing purposes and basically seeking out a free therapist. That's not a healthy way to go about it. Instead what I'm trying to say is that instead of going into full on hermit mode, you can still go out and connect to people while feeling like you have the emotional safety to lean on them and vent to them.