soos_mite_ah

My Thoughts on No Strings Attached Sex My over all stance on no strings attached sex, hook up culture, etc. is that there is nothing wrong with it from a moral and spiritual standpoint. I know there are some people who are like "SEX IS SACRED YOU'RE MAKING SOUL TIES WITH EVERYONE YOU FUCK" which I understand why sex is a sentimental thing for some people, I just don't think it's appropriate to think that this is some type of absolute truth and that everyone should align with it. Given the things that I have talked about in my previous post, whether you are in the isle of wanting to wait or wanting to live out your best hoe life, it's important to do that self introspection to make sure that your motivations are coming from a healthy place. For me personally, for the longest time I thought I was the type of person who would get emotionally attached really easily when it comes to doing anything physical. But what I realized in the last couple weeks is that while I do have sentimentality attached to the sex itself, I don't necessarily have sentimentality towards the person. I think where I'm at right now is that I do are about who I share my firsts with but more so in the sense that I don't want my first times to be unmemorable trash, not in a *I need this person to be special* sense. I don't think I want to be in love with the person that I want to do things with. Sure it's a nice plus but it isn't necessary. What is necessary though is that I have some kind of interesting dynamic with this person and we connect socially to where things aren't awkward and we are both comfortable with one another. I think that the elements of trust and patience are really important to me because I'm still just testing the waters and I'm not comfortable with diving head first without anyone trying to slow down or check in on me. I also think there is a misconception of women and how they are super emotional and how they need attachment. Sure, some people are like that, but I don't think its a women's thing. There is the opposite stereotype for men as well. And I have a strong suspicion that this bias skews people's sense of self awareness and how they act and view the opposite sex. I'm going to start with men first. I think there is this expectation for a lot of men to engage in meaningless sex, not always because of sexual exploration (there isn't anything wrong with that) but due to a form of masculine posturing. This could range anywhere from viewing women as conquests, not wanting to be emotionally vulnerable because it's seen as feminine or weak, having the expectation that you're supposed to want it all the time even in cases where you feel incredibly uncomfortable and violated, the notion of if you say no that you're less of a man (which often ignores or in some cases glorifies cases of sexual assault), and feeling the need to lose your virginity to prove your masculinity. I'm sure there are more examples but these are just a few things that are off the top of my head. I also think of a particular anecdote. This is a particular conversation that I swear I encounter about once every couple of years. The scenario goes like this. There is a group of guys that are talking near me (not really paying attention of whether I or my friends exist). One of the guys starts talking about how they are committing to this one girl for a relationship. The other guy says something along the lines of "what do you mean you're getting into a relationship? That's gay bruh. What about fucking bitches?" This has happened a few of times and in those times, either me or my friend look to one another and just jokingly ask "fellas, is it gay to want to be in a heterosexual relationship with a woman?" And that's precisely the thing. By definition, there is nothing gay about that. But because a lot of performative masculinity is tied to having a lot of partners and not expressing your emotions by developing meaningful relationships, it's seen as less masculine and therefore gay to get into a relationship. Like this makes sense but my friends and I just stand there in rainbow confusion whenever we encounter situations like these because huh lol?? And of course, this conversation also has shades of homophobia and sexism (the two being pretty linked up together but that's another post) in the conversation as well where even if it's considered gay, why would it be a bad thing?? Like are manly men not supposed to have fulfilling relationships with women? Are they just supposed to see them as a means to a sexual end and that's it? Which then brings me to women. A lot of women are perfectly at peace with having no strings attached sex. We just want to have some basic human decency, know you aren't a psychopath, and know that we are safe and it wouldn't be awkward. And in order to do that there needs to be some basic social and emotional connection. Even if I were to do something that's no strings attached, I'm not going to just go home with someone with a total stranger in most cases. Because not only is it dangerous, but there isn't that amount of context that was built up and it can be awkward. And the irritating thing is that guys will look at this and assume that we're super emotional/ clingy/ easily attached when really we're just asking for the bare minimum for attraction. And there are some women who internalize this type of thing and assume that their only option is extremely no strings attached casual sex because why tf would men ever want anything more and if you are asking for more, you're "one of those girls" who is being annoying and asking for too much. It lead to a lot of people compromising what they actually want and compromising their boundaries. I have been tempted to do that in a few instances. There is this notion that men don't care about women and they only want to fuck them and that's it. And sometimes, even when you genuinely want something casual, you're made out to believe that you're still asking for too much when you're really asking for basic respect and safety.

Sex Addiction, Sex as Self-harm, and Hypersexuality These are a few things that I wish my sex ed curriculum covered because I feel like I learned about this waayyy too late and I had to find out from social media of all places. Who am I kidding, I wish I had sex ed period. Instead, since I live in the south, I had some crazy lady come over to my school talking about how she's a "born again virgin," and how abstinence is the only option. There is a reason why the Bible Belt is also known as the Teen Pregnancy Belt. Anyway, tangent aside, in addition to condoms, birth control, and consent I think another really important aspect of having safe sex is understanding why you're choosing to engage in sex. Because not coming at sex from a healthy place can result in a lot of emotional damage. First of all, sex addiction is not a thing. Yeah, I was pretty shocked about this. But no, it isn't a thing. Sometimes people just have really high sex drives. Or sometimes, sex is a cover for other things going wrong. For example, people use it as an escapist coping mechanism, effects of repression, a substitute for emotional intimacy, etc. Which then leads me to sex as self-harm. There are people who feel the need to put themselves into uncomfortable situations with people who don't value them as a way of harming themselves. It's usually consists of partaking in risky sexual activity or having sex with people who you know don't respect your boundaries. It's kind of similar to how some people do a lot of risk taking activities when they are depressed. And then there is hypersexuality. Usually this is what people are actually referring to when people point to sex addiction. In addition to everything that I talked about above, hypersexuality can occur to people who have been sexually assaulted. Apparently, there are some people who start to have lots of sex with lots of people after assault as a way to feel like they are in control of their sexuality in a sexual situation. I remember reading The Game a few months ago. Not gonna lie, that was a difficult book to get through and honestly, I read only about half. But there is one part of the book that really sticks out to me as extremely slimy. One of the characters were talking about this guy who is apparently a "natural." Apparently, this guy can get with any girl he pleases with minimal effort and has slept with 100s of women. And these guys started talking about how this guy in question lost his virginity at 11 to his baby sitter who was 17 years old. I remember putting the book down. . In my mind, I was just thinking that THIS IS LITERALLY RAPE, A CHILD CAN'T CONSENT THIS. The way that these guys talked about this situation was as if they glorified it, like this was something to applaud, an accomplishment for the guy they were talking about. Also in my mind, this was around the time when I found out about hypersexuality in general and I just sat there thinking *these guys are glorifying a traumatic event and basically further enabling a coping mechanism.* This guy was basically a classic case of someone with a supposed "sex addiction" actually becoming hypersexual due to trauma and then using sex as a form of self harm. My thing with this post is not shame people with high sex drives or people who like having a lot of casual sex with different people. Those can be completely natural and healthy. But my thing is that I think it's important for people to check in with themselves and their motivations. It's the same thing with people who want to wait to have sex. Wanting to wait can also be completely natural and healthy. It's not so much about the decision rather it's about how you got there and why you are making that decision. And the reason why I'm bringing this up is because I feel like this side of safe sex doesn't get talked about enough and because people tend to glorify hook up culture too much blindly without checking in with themselves and thinking whether or not taking part in hook up culture is right for them or if it's coming from a healthy place.

@Max8 Tf who lied to you lmaooo Of course we do Maybe not as much porn (compared to men at least) because of how porn doesnt do a good job at depicting scenes that actually appeal to us but most of us definitely masturbate

From my experience, pretty boys get hella girls though lol But I do agree with the notion that being confident and not giving af is important. If you want to improve your style choices for self expression and for self care, go for it. Just don't get neurotic and nitpicky about it.

Do your eyebrows, get a decent hair cut: just walk into a salon and ask for their recommendations. They'll figure out how things will work with your face shape so you won't have to. (At the very least get your eyebrows sorted out, that can make a world of difference) Figure out your body shape and skin undertone and what works with that: Just on youtube and figure that out after watching a few videos Find clothes that you find yourself drawn to or that feel like an extension of your self expression: Self expression and feeling confident in that expression is the main thing that makes people with a good sense of style attractive. It isn't the aesthetic itself. Invest in a skincare routine. It doesn't have to be too complicated, get a good face wash, a decent moisturizer and do a face mask every now and then.

@Max8 Then I don't think you'd really benefit much from no fap. I'm speaking from my experience, feel free to try it out on your own. IMO doing no fap when you don't have an unhealthy relationship with porn/sex/masturbation would be like going to an alcoholic support group meeting when you don't have a drinking problem. Embrace your natural sex drive. Just bust a nut and live your life lmao.

That and sex doesn't always equate to a sense of intimacy and closeness. Sure that can come from sex but I think having that emotional connection and build up is much more important both in terms of relationship building but also having fulfilling sex. I agree with this. I think sexual and social abundance comes down to mindset more than anything. A lot of it has to do with not being needy and being self assured in the notion of being on your own. It's seeing relationships, whether they be sexual, platonic, or romantic as the cherry on top of just you living your life and being. Sure you can get a sense of abundance by having a bunch of people you can call up whenever for a hook up but I guess what I'm trying to say is that that is not the only route to sexual and social abundance.

Consciousness is so limitless that there is no limits from it making limits on itself. It's so limitless that it makes limits for fun.

In that aspect I think you're ok What is your relationship to sex/masturbation? Do you have a lot of repression? Do you use this as a coping mechanism to avoid things in your life or as a way to deal with depression/anxiety?

To expand on this, I would say that the first strain is basically made up of people who don't have a good stage orange foundation when it comes to both epistemology and how scientific thinking works. Cold rationality is an important step for many people and if they don't go through that and try to go straight into green, instead of a well integrated foundation for green, you almost get this slightly less toxic but more glorified version of stage blue. I think a better way to explain this first strain is by combining both spiral dynamics and the 9 stages of ego development. They are like this stage green version of the conformist stage. They adopt stage green values and ideologies but their thought process and ego development hasn't gone through the achiever or expert stage (or if they did, not completely). They are stage green but they aren't at the achiever or pluralist stage. I would say that the intellectual socialist strain is more in line with the traditional way we see people progress through the stages and their corresponding ego development stage. They typically have a good orange foundation even if they no longer identify with orange anymore. They have simply passed through that stage.

I think whether or not nofap is affective has to do with how healthy your relationship to porn and sex is and to what extent you have addictive tendencies to either of those. I tried it and as someone who doesn't use masturbation as some type of unhealthy coping mechanism, I can't say that I got a lot of benefit from no fap. I wrote more about this in my journal a couple months ago.

Not yet but I'll check it out Cool, thanks. That makes sense as far as direct experience instead of relying on outside references goes. I want to say that I started contemplating things in general pretty young but I don't know if contemplating period would be efficient. Would analyzing your biases, being critical of where and how you get your information, and analyzing your surroundings/ culture and how that shapes what you know count as contemplation? What are some guiding questions that you'd recommend I start with?

I'm starting to become more critical of my thought processes, ways I go about making decisions, the ethical implications of the things I just mentioned, and any biases I might have that might skew my perspective of a situation. I want to also get into epistemology more but I'm not really sure where to start. At the same time, though I'm naturally becoming interested in questioning myself, I'm also drawn towards being more confident in my perspective, my analysis, and my experiences. How do I go about doing all of this?

Lana Del Rey I have been meaning to write about this whole phase I'm going through for a while (as in before I even made this journal). In addition to how I have talked about her when I discussed romanticizing the past and the incidental times I have mentioned her on my journal (idk I feel like I talk about her a lot but after doing a quick search I didn't find much), these are a couple other times I have meant to talk about her work and how it affects me. So basically, to organize this post and keep myself sane, I'm going basically talk about the following topics: Why I'm drawn to her music: vintage vibes, personal issues, processing things/ having an outlet The lolita resurgence and why that is super concerning parasocial relationships and racism Why I'm drawn to her music: I have discussed in previous posts on how I tend to be attracted to the whole vintage vibe. And I think her music captures that energy really well while also mixing in more modern elements as well so it doesn't feel super archaic. Her work first came into my radar when I was around 13ish and I just thought her sound was interesting and beautiful. I didn't really fixate on her music until I was 19/20 or so and I think a lot of it has to do with what I was going through at the time. Long story short, I was coming out of a pretty depressing time. At that time I would still say it was a dark time, not in the sense that it was really depressing or neurotic, rather there were a lot of unknowns as to who I was growing into. And that's when I met this guy. Long story short, I became infatuated with this guy because he reminded me of the best version of myself and in a way gave me an idea of who I was growing into. I would say that he was about a decade older than me and the whole thing would have been a shit show if either of us acted on anything (I highly doubt he had any feelings on his part but it would be super weird if he did). So I was left with all of these emotions without really an outlet to express them. And that's where LDR's music comes in. I think the subject matter but most importantly the emotions in her music resonated with me to a certain extent. I can't say that I relate to much of her actual life experiences or what she describes in her music but emotionally I can empathize with it. Her music helped me just sit with my emotions and process them without having me actually go out and do something stupid like act on my feelings and have life be a cruel teacher. It was like a simulation of sorts. It's like I could emotionally go through the event of falling for a guy who isn't good for me, particularly an older guy who has more power in the dynamic, without actually experiencing the event and going through the trauma. When it comes to older guys (I'm talking roughly 8-13 years older not old enough to be my dad lol) I think there is a variety of factors involved. My parent's have an 8 year age difference My dad had me when he was in his 40s Growing up (and still even now) I mainly get hit on by guys who are in this age range I had to deal with a lot of difficult and traumatic shit growing up and that fucked with my sense of mental age and the vibes I put out. I'd say #1 and #2 basically socialized what was considered normal for me growing up. I think it made my mental idea of what is considered old a little wonky in my head. A lot of my friends had really young parents growing up (as in their parents were teen parents and once my friends were graduating high school their parents were still in their 30s). They have wonky perceptions of time in the sense that the idea of getting married and having kids later than 25 seem really weird because the idea of being in your late 40s early/50s when your kid goes off to college doesn't make sense to them all that much since they are used to having younger parents. And I think that because of what was modeled to me growing up, I have a more generous perception of what I consider old because their age difference and my dad's age was normalized and is basically my reference point. When it comes to #3, I think a lot of it comes down to my looks. I looked like a grown ass woman from a young age and I would get confused for being older if people were to go by appearances alone. And while I don't have too many terrible experiences other than this was startling to deal with when I was 14 getting hit on my guys twice my age (and thankfully whenever I encounter these situations these men back off when they find out how old I actually am), it's like these experiences conditioned me to associate the good feelings of being flirted with with older guys. And as a result a conditioned version of attraction started to form. And finally we have #4. #4 is a little tricky because on one hand sometimes I feel like I'm out of place and that there is a power dynamic that gets formed when I associate with people my age because mentally I had to grow up faster and learn a bunch of lessons later, therefore I'm in a different place in my life. The whole power dynamic thing was something that was very present pre pandemic. But at the same time, there is this part of me that feels very young and vulnerable and to a certain extent stunted because I didn't go through the typical experiences that a person my age would go through and mature from. So then you find yourself in this situation where you feel too old to associate with men your age but also you want someone more experienced who will guide you through your vulnerability because you don't really know what you're doing. Also, the whole rhetoric of "girls maturing faster" doesn't help either and is often used to justify all types of predatory behavior. Weirdly enough, I feel like the pandemic traumatized me just enough to regress me back into being able to relate to people my own age again since we all went through this collective trauma and we all had to move back with our parents (and that helped me shake off this attraction that I had towards older guys so that's good). I don't think I'm really in a place where I still find myself attracted to that kind of age dynamic. I feel like I have processed through my hang ups enough and had time isolated from everyone to really dig through and sort this shit out. I don't really think there was ever a chance of me acting on my impulses in this regard mainly because I was very cognitively aware of the situation and the life long consequences that can come from it even if my emotions said otherwise. I have been on a couple dates with guys who were like 3 years older and even though that wasn't that much, I think it's important to consider that I was 18/19 at the time and that shit felt really off in terms of relatability and chemistry to where I simply didn't want to go further. My heart back then was basically like *well, maybe...?* but my head back then and even now is like *HELL TF NO!!!* I would say that LDR's music helped me process through a lot of these and explore any fantasy that I had in a safe way without having those fantasizes turn into this unhealthy romanticization of a toxic dynamic. Her music gets accused of glorifying abusive dynamics and while that can be said of her very early works (as in her Lizzy Grant trailer park days lol), I would say a lot of her music is lamenting over these situations rather than reminscing happily. I'm pretty sure that most of the fandom gets that but of course, like with every fandom, there's the group of crazy 12 year old fans that take their obsession to a whole new level. And a lot of these younger views who simply don't get the emotions behind the music I feel tend to romanticize the pain as something edgy and cool because they aren't aware of how much those situations actually suck due to a lack of life experiences. I have also talked about the whole infantilization of women and how a lot of beauty standards are pedophilic earlier in this journal. This video on the romanticization of Lolita and pedophilia and how it plays out in social media explains things pretty well: And finally, relationship dynamics aside, along with the whole vintage thing, I think wealth and race also is a part of it. Like I said earlier in this post: This goes along with letting yourself explore unhealthy fantasizes without acting on them but this dynamic gives me this sense of safety of *hey it's ok to be a little fucked up in the process of getting your life together.* Because I feel like especially as an Asian woman who doesn't have the same margin of error that a rich white woman would, its easy to be critical of yourself and disown the messier parts of yourself (there is also the whole model minority things as well so that doesn't help). I don't have the time, the energy, or the lee way of doing dumb shit like a lot of Lana's characters in her music do. But you know what, that's ok because there are enough bad decisions and terrible circumstances that are talked about in her music that makes up for the both of us lol. That said, I also find people who get parasocially attached to celebrities to the point where they can't critique or make fun of what they like really weird. I have touched on how some LDR fans have crazy obsessions and how a lot of it has broader implications than them driving themselves crazy. I can still laugh about her content and not take it super personally and also I can say that even though I really like her music, I do have mixed opinions on her whole brand and public image. Like in the past couple of years, this woman has been acting tf up and sometimes I wish that she would just act right so I can stan publicly lol. But I can't say that I'm surprised by her tone deafness given her background.

Pole for the Soul I wanted to write about pole dancing for a hot minute and when I went to search it up on YouTube, one of the first things to come up on the search engine was "pole dancing for Jesus" and naturally I had to stop what I was going and check it out lmao. This is what I found. I also decided to steal the name as the title to my post because I liked the ring of it. My favorites are The Resurrection (1:25) and The Last Supper (1:37) Jokes aside but I've been drawn to pole dancing. Unfortunately I don't have the upper body strength to do much. But I'm genuinely interested in the idea of taking classes because it looks fun and I would get a work out. To me all of these look so strong, graceful, and sensual at the same time. I find myself gasping with shock whenever I watch the stunts that are in the videos I linked below. I'm just really amazed with the ways they pull this off physically because I could never lol. Honestly, it doesn't even seem inherently sexual to me (i guess it also depends on the context and the type of routine) rather it feels like a gymnastics routine. And I feel like this is where my inner child comes out because growing up I always wanted to do gymnastics but my parents never let me for some reason. I feel like realistically if I were to ever learn or do pole dancing, that would be something that's for the girls, the gays and the theys only. I feel like they would be less likely to be weird and gross about it compared to straight men (yes that includes my hypothetical boyfriend, unless he is bi, he aint seeing shit). I think another thing that differentiates seeing something in a sexual light vs sexualizing a thing is context. When you see something in a sexual light but you aren't sexualizing something, context matters because you see the thing as sexual in certain situations. A good example I'd say is the way that women often think that a guys hands or forearms are sexy. We're not constantly turned on at the sight of hands rather it's more about what those hands would do in certain situations. We're not out here telling men to wear gloves because their hands are scandalous or inherently sexual. This contrasts with I would say the way that men sexualize our legs where regardless of situation, we are urged to cover up because we're enticing people and basically being scandalous. And that is one of the differences between the male and the female gaze when it comes to attraction. And pole dancing isn't much different. It can be seen as a sexual or sensual light but it could also be seen in a very neutral light as well. And I feel that a lot of women and LGBTQ people are more likely to get the whole context aspect of things and not sexualize pole dancing. And that includes lesbians and bisexual men who are also attracted to women. So attraction or lack there of isn't what's driving the neutrality (I'm also planning on doing a post of homophobia, consent, and the links to sexism soon). But yeah, if I were to dance on a pole, I wouldn't be comfortable with doing that in the eyes of straight men. Honestly, women who have to deal with straight men when it comes to these types of things and even sex work have my respect because I know I wouldn't last. I'd probably walk out with a felony or a mental break down or both if a man grabbed me without my consent. Speaking of which, there is a trend of how a lot of people are destigmatizing sex work but they still don't respect sex workers. A lot of people want to act like a stripper and adopt a certain aesthetic without actually being one or respecting women who do it for work. There is a really good video that explains this much better than I ever could that I really recommend checking out because of how good the research and analysis went into this video.

Temperature Check Part 2: Ego Development Check Again, commentary made on 9/26/2021 is in blue. Closing thoughts: I have done a good job at dealing with a lot of the remaining hang ups of the pluralist stage. Still need to look into epistemology more and tbh I am finding myself naturally going in that direction especially with a lot of my course work this semester. I also still need to figure out my career path and my life purpose which is well on the way. I think over all, being in the strategist/ construct aware stage is a good place to be given where I'm at in my life and given that I'm not planning on delving into psychedelics or deep existential questions soon sorting out a stable foundation for my life. I just have to do clean up work and check in with myself to deal with any hang ups that might arise every now and then from the lower stages. Going forward I need to: Sort out my career Deal with my unhealthy stage green coping mechanisms/ deal with my depression and existential crisis around these dystopian times Look into epistemology more Do the psychological clean up whenever my lizard brain acts up

Temperature Check Part 1: Spiral Check So my birthday is in less than a month and I've been thinking on how it's probably a good idea to take stock of the things I have learned and the ways I have grown as a person to give credit where credit is due. I know that can sound rather egotistical like I'm just writing to toot my own horn but I have noticed with me personally that I do need a moment to acknowledge my progress in order to have an accurate view of myself and take action accordingly so I don't over correct and get myself into an unhealthy loop of sorts. For my temperature check, I'm going to look at my old posts that I have made on my short comings in spiral dynamics as well as a reflection on where I'm at in the 9 stages of ego development. I am going to start with spiral dynamics and the hang ups I have in green and yellow. This is the original post I will be referencing: In this post, I bolded the items I find myself having difficulty with. Those are the items I'm going to be talking about and the ones I have crossed off are the ones that I feel that I have effectively dealt with. The text in ___ is what I have to say as I am making this post on 9/26/2021. Can love to talk about spirituality but be unable to embody it (1:37:02) I think this is something I am dealing with right now. I think it becomes much more of a problem when it comes to shifting to yellow which I will talk about in the next section with yellow. I'm doing a good job at catching myself when I find myself not embodying something but I honestly think I need to go full on turquoise to get to the point where I can cross this off. Yellow (1:38:00- 1:45:00) Yellow is still stuck in duality. There is no possibility for deep mysticism because yellow is too stuck in the thinking mind. As a result they can fall into the trap of confusing the map for the territory (1:38:27) I think I need to maybe experiment with psychedelics once I take care of my other issues. Also I have been trying to be more mindful of different areas of my life where I confuse the map for the territory. Recently I wrote out all of the classes I need to take and I looked at it and I was like "wow this won't be too hard, I just need to do x,y,and z" but I know that in the moment when I'm actually going to be in those classes, I'm likely going to be stressed out. I think this can be dealt with the whole concept of how awareness alone is curative. I haven't worked this out yet but I am much better at not confusing the map for the territory which is why I'm crossing out a portion of this. Yellow is not ready to escape the mind. They aren't ready to do that yet because they are still so fascinated with different models and concepts. Basically they can be unwilling to transcend models and concepts (1:38:56) Yeah that's right, I'm not ready to transcend the mind just yet. I acknowledge this but I also know that I need to pass through yellow until this becomes a limitation. In order to transcend yellow, I need to embody it first. While this is something that I have short comings in, I do realize that now is probably not the best time to deal with it. That's why I have italicized it instead of bolding it. Still not ready to transcend the mind. Can get bogged down in complex analysis (1:39:53). Can develop an intellectual hubris of arrogance (1:39:58) I addressed some of this in my post "Conscious Unconsciousness" where I discuss my reasoning for integrating my inner basic bitch. I also think this form of the "i'M NOt LiKE oTheR giRls" attitude as it relates of consciousness can be detrimental because there is arrogance and ego involved. However, I'm still in the process of integrating all of this. I decided to copy and paste that specific portion of that post because I don't want to water it down: I haven't worked this out yet but I have done a good job on setting boundaries with myself regarding thinking, analyzing, spiraling, and ruminating so I don't find myself going insane. I am dealing with this but I can't say it's to the point where I can cross it out. I have, however, worked through a lot of things regarding my spiritual ego. Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. I haven't worked this out yet but I have gotten out of the depressing/ self loathing slump for the most part (still dealing with some stuff but it's whatever). I think I've come a long way since I started writing this but not so far to where I feel like I can cross it out. Yellow tends to be a cold individualist and a loner which becomes a problem when it comes to actualizing something because they need a team to implement a vision. They become isolated and feel lonely and disconnected (1:41:10). Yellow has a difficulty in building a community/ becoming emotionally distant and forget to connect with people because they are too focused on models (1:41:29) I have become rather disconnected with other people during my college career where I have essentially immersed myself in models. I am meaning to address that when the pandemic is up and I have more opportunities to socialize. I think this sense of disconnection and loneliness is also causing me to question whether or not self actualization is even worth it since I don't have the best foundation in relationships and external signifiers of success. I think this thread explains that pretty well: Yeah I'm pretty good at making communities and connecting with people. I just didn't have many opportunities to do so at the time I was writing this. All this understanding will not lead to happiness because happiness isn't found in the mind (1:42:19) I feel called out and I'm not sure how to handle this at this moment. But I am recognizing the problem more and more because of the way I'm frequently immersed in learning I'm not at the point of embodiment but I'm pretty sure I emotionally grasp this pretty well. Which is why I'm going to cross this out for now. Lack of embodiment of the things they learn. This can be a problem in actualize the vision because you lack the selflessness/ discipline/ socialization skills to implement your solutions. This freaks out yellow because it means that they can't rely on their concepts to do everything for them (1:42:56). I think a lot of the problems I'm having with depression is coming from a lack of embodiment of the teaching I have absorbed previously. The only way out of this is through truly embodying what I have learned. Also the whole concept of yellow freaking out because they can't rely on concepts I feel draws a parallel on how I can't rely on being smart alone to evade life issues. That parallel makes me feel called out. I have since embodied a lot of the things that I preach. Do I still think there is room for improvement? Absolutely. But have I realized that my concepts can't do everything for me and have I worked on my self discipling and socialization skills? Yes I have. Which is why I'm crossing this out. So basically, to continue moving up the spiral I need to do the following: Exhaust the remainder of your unhealthy stage green tendencies Stop hyper analyzing things so you aren't bogged down with complex analysis Create innovative solutions that are also pragmatic I think I need more education, life experience, and a clearer idea of my life purpose to do this tbh. Get out of duality and embody things more Transcend the mind The last two I think I'm going to focus on much later when dealing with more existential questions

Romanticizing the Past I touched on the whole old Hollywood thing on my post on smoking but I wanted to go into it more because I find myself being drawn to vintage things and I think a lot of vintage aesthetics are sexy. I think a lot of this probably has to do with how easy it is to romanticize the past. Especially now with how dystopian and unpredictable everything is, it's easy to be drawn to aesthetics that resemble the past as a way to look back at the good ol' days not because they were actually good but because we already know how the timeline played out. I also find it really interesting on how if you look at media from like the 50s to the 90s, you have this whole trope of what the future would look like. It was filled with visions of flying cars, robots, space travel for the common man, and a leisurely life style. In the 1950s specifically, a lot of diners would try to adopt this futuristic aesthetic by making their diners into weird shapes and by incorporating metallic accents into their design to make the diners look like space ships. Overall, there was an optimism towards the future. I remember watching this one video that was made in the 60s on what people back then thought the 90s would look like. Other than the prediction being WAAY off, there was one line that stuck out to me. It went something like "the people in the future are focused on what else the future has to offer. They are obsessed with what is to come." Fast forward to 2020 and it's pretty much the opposite. We're obsessed with the past. Most of the movies we have nowadays are remakes because the industry doesn't want to get creative and instead wants to play it safe by appealing to nostalgia. A lot of mainstream aesthetics and subcultures are geared towards the past. A lot of the depictions of the future seem pretty grim because of the pandemic and because of climate change and as a result, many of the portrayals of the future are dystopian (hell this was even the case pre-pandemic Hunger Games anyone?). I think the rise of thrifting has a role in this as well. People are broke, they want to buy second hand to avoid contributing to fast fashion if they can, and the aesthetics of the past are everywhere because a lot of us hate this current timeline. I could name all of the decades as aesthetics of their own that a lot of young people are drawn to but I think we can also include aesthetics like cottagecore and dark academia to the group as well. I also noticed that a lot of gay people tend to be drawn to these aesthetics as well. I remember I watched a video analyzing the cottagecore trend and why it's so popular with lesbians despite the fact that if people found out you were gay in the ye old days in the country that you'd be persecuted. A lot of it has to do with reimagining history in an alternate timeline of sorts where you get to enjoy that time period without thinking of the baggage that came with it. As for POC, I don't necessarily see a lot of them gravitating towards adopting vintage aesthetics but I don't see a lack of them either. I personally find myself gravitating towards the 50s more. I think it has to do with a variety of factors. First of all, I feel like as far as body ideals and the fashion at the time, the silhouettes just work better for me. It helped me figure out exactly what kind of clothes look good on me and that definitely helped me in seeing myself as more attractive. I think it's also the hair and how my natural hair is wavy/curly but it isn't super coarse and defined. It matches up the longer hair styles that were popular at the time. As for actors and actresses, honestly all of the actors kind of blend together in my head. They all feel like the same basic white man. Probably wouldn't be able to pick them out in a line up. I might be able to recognize Desi Arnaz from I Love Lucy but that's because the mans is Cuban and has at least a drop of melanin to set him apart from the rest. My mind immediately goes to the women at the time. I feel like they ended up becoming more iconic in the end. I'm talking Elizabeth Taylor, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Dandridge, Rita Hayworth. Honestly, I'd simp for all of them. I don't think it has to do with defined gender roles and the emphasis on the masculine/feminine polarity though. Because honestly, I find women in masculine clothing in the 50s and before to be hot. But what I do think is the case is the economic stability at the time. Idk man, being able to support a family of four, buy a house, afford college, and decent health care under one income is sexy. Also, the fact that you could support yourself on minimum wage, and reasonably move out at 18 yeah that's kind of hot. Granted racism and sexism would have stopped me and I wouldn't really get the idyllic version of the 50s. But I do think we should bring the 50s back as in lets have affordable housing, health care, education and have a minimum wage people could live off of. The rest of the 50s can choke. Also, let's bring back the fun aesthetics. This reminds me of something that I wrote about coincidentally this time last year. I think the way that I'm drawn to vintage aesthetics and the way that I think its sexy also translates to how I'm drawn to Lana Del Rey's music. Not only does her music feel really nostalgic, but there is something thats there in her voice that is so fucking sexy and I can't really put my finger on it. Actually, scratch that, it's not just her voice but it's also the music because I will straight up listen to instrumental versions of her songs. Finally, I think it also has to do with how far off the 50s -70s seem. I don't really romanticize the 80s or 90s. I definitely don't romanticize the early 2000s despite it being a trend to do so (I've said it many times, the early 2000s is basically a meme in my head because I was around in that time and I'm very much aware on what kind of a train wreck that was). That time seems dark and dystopian (speaking as a person of color who sometimes gets creeped out by some of the media from back then) but also very idyllic at the same time. It's close enough to where it still feels relatable unlike the 40s and beyond (I mean, my dad was born in the 50s) but it's also far away enough to where it's not a meme. It's rustic because of how much time has passed but also ethereal because of how other worldly the time period feels. It feels very classic and in a way safe and predictable. I wouldn't dare to go on and say that i WaS BOrn iN thE wrONg GEnerAtiON. I was born in the right generation. I can go on the internet, explore all of the decades with ease, and enjoy the aesthetics with slightly more human rights. I'll take that over being born in the previous decades any day. My ass would have been locked up in a mental institution and I would have probably been coerced into getting a lobotomy if I was around in the 50s.

And after the two dates with guy #2, I finally have my answer. I'm not horny, I'm just deprived of human connection. Because when this guy kissed me, I didn't feel anything physically. The whole thing was unsatisfying and it wasn't because he was a bad kisser. It felt really hollow. The only thing I could think of while walking back home was BLEGH. My imagination and the plot lines I create before going to sleep does a better job at getting me off lol. I feel that if I were to sleep with someone before I was ready and before I feel connected to this person, the best case scenario would be unsatisfying and mediocre sex. As horny as I am, this situation just reinforced my desire to wait.

Guy #2 Date 2: Before I went on a second date with this guy, we did text a few times. It was just the usual *hey how has your day been.* I have mentioned a few times that my day has been rather busy and that I'm catching up with work to which he replied *aww let me focus/do your work/ do your paper for you. You can pay me back later with love and affection.* The first time he said that, I thought he was joking. The second time, I was like *huh I've seen this before.* The third time was when it felt weird. First of all, it's kind of odd to say the same shit over and over again. Second, I feel like this is something that you don't say to someone unless you get to know them better because it can come off as looking entitled, creepy, and just plain thirsty. Speaking of which, when I mentioned that I wasn't doing anything during the weekend as a way to recharge from the craziness of the prior week, he tried to invite me back to his place for a movie. I politely declined and told him that I simply don't have the energy and that I'm glad I spent my last bit with him in our previous date because it was energy well spent. But all I could think of is *goddammit... he's one of those.* My next thought was about a twitter thread I saw a couple months ago. It was a bunch of women making fun of how men don't pay attention to their safety like women do to the point where it's goes into the domain of stupidity. Like women are told not to wear pony tails, braids, or buns because it could get you snatched easily. You're told to carry pepper spray, tasers, and other weapons. You're told not to go out at night or only go out with other people. And there is so much more that we get told in order to protect our own safety. Meanwhile, you have men who apparently sleep without locking their doors at night. LIKE SIR WHAT? There was a joke in this thread on how guys would be so quick to have a total stranger come into their house. Like... do they not think that I might not rob them, stalk them, or kill them? Does that thought just not come in their mind? Gender aside, I'm a total stranger. For all he knows I could be a crazy bitch with a criminal record. A day before our second date, I felt this need to talk to him about our first kiss and just let him know that I wasn't really comfortable with what happened. I explained that I wasn't mad at him and that this is something to be more mindful of going forward. He then replied with *oh I thought you were giving an indication of wanting more.* I sat there thinking *no, I distinctly remember pulling away twice.* I just replied with something along the lines of *hey mistakes and miscommunication happens, lets just be more upfront going foward.* He said ok and apologized. I figured in the previous statement where he said he thought I wanted more that he was saying that to cover his ass because this can be awkward conversation and he didn't want to feel like he was in the wrong. I get it. And again, I wasn't upset with him. I figured it was a miscommunication thing. The second date rolled around. 90% of our conversation was just sarcasm. Like don't get me wrong, I don't mind sarcasm and I think sprinkling it in can make things fun but when the whole conversation is sarcasm, it can feel like a barrier to emotionally connecting with someone. The whole dynamic between me and him just felt really awkward. There is something that just wasn't clicking. Next thing I know, I'm in a position where I ended up listening to this guy talk about himself for 30 minutes straight. I can't even tell you what that monologue was about and looking back I find myself thinking *how can one person talk so much about himself and not say anything at all.* The whole thing felt bizarre. He also offered to have me come back to his place for the 3rd time and I told him straight up "look, I appreciate the offer but I'm not comfortable with going back because this is only the second time we met and we're still strangers." He was pretty understanding but tbh, from even before the first date to before the second date, this guy just exuded horniness. The whole thing with him felt as if he was really trying to rush into physical intimacy without taking the time of trying to get to know me or build up anything whether it be trust, a sexy dynamic, or a sense of comfort. When he went to the bathroom, I quickly texted my roommate to call me and say she's having an emergency so that I could have an excuse to flee the scene and gtfo. I wasn't having fun and the whole thing felt cringe. But on the bright side, at least I wasn't confused about my feelings toward him anymore. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since Tuesday. It's Saturday now. And honestly, thank god. But I still do think I need to be upfront and tell him that this isn't working since ghosting him would be really rude.

Or maybe her holding off on having sex has nothing to do with the guy rather it's about her and her comfort level/ emotional health. This simply isn't true. I've seen people commit before sex multiple times. Both parties simply have to be on the same page a far as waiting and priorities go.

Hey! It's been a minute since I've posted here. It's also been a minute since I've been on these dates so I think I have enough clarity to talk about it and have my writing be coherent. Guy #1 Date 1: Went on this date on 9/7. I saw his profile on tinder and it was someone I had a couple classes with him before. We also go to the same college. When I met up for him during lunch, I will say that it felt considerable less awkward compared to if I were to date a total stranger. We had a couple of shared experience and there was already a background context to the interaction. I know with dates with complete strangers, it can be awkward since it's like you're meeting them from the void for a lack of better way of putting it. I wrote more about this in a post in another journal a while ago: Since I already know this guy, I also know that we have similar values and standings when it comes to political/social issues. So that helped me let loose a little bit since I know he isn't a walking racist, sexist, homophobic red flag. Prior to the date I let him know that I was looking for something short term but committed and that I'm trying to socially branch out more. He was pretty understanding and mentioned that one of the main reasons he swiped right on me was because he saw a familiar face and wanted to reconnect. And as a result, he basically was like that whether this turns into something romantic or it remains platonic, that he's ok either way and that there is no pressure to force anything. He was kind of squirrely, nervous, and self deprecating during the date. He also did overshare about some things going on in his life. The self deprecation was basically him awkwardly laughing at his short comings. Now, I do think that laughing at your short comings can be a good way of humbly dealing with them. But there is just a different vibe when you laugh about a flaw that you totally accept in yourself vs awkwardly laughing so that you don't look self pitying. I offered an empathetic ear but although I feel like I connected to him intellectually, I didn't feel like I connected to him emotionally. Also, the dynamic wasn't working for me, nor was it something I am looking for. I think it would also feel rather forced if I were to make this into something romantic. I wouldn't mind hanging out with him again. We've both been pretty busy with midterms for the last couple weeks (hence why I haven't been writing as much as I normally do). Guy #2 Date 1: Ok so this guy was WEIRD. And honestly, I don't think I was much better lol. First of all, we agreed to meet at this coffeeshop. My dumb ass gave him the wrong address so the poor guy ended up running around. So right off the bat I was just really nervous because I felt rather disrespectful of his time. I felt terrible and I just paid for dinner to make it up to him. After all, I was the one who initiated the plans in the first place so I just figured that was more fair. He wasn't awkward in the traditional super quiet, not being able to hold conversations, stuttering kind of way. If anything, I would say he was the opposite which I guess let to me feel confused after the date. He had this weird way of holding a conversation. This guy was basically like "ok so I'll ask a few questions and then you'll do the same." I was sitting there like *um.. ok haha.* He would ask me a few questions and the conversation would be going and then he would be like "now it's your turn to aske me 4 questions." He did that a couple of times and in those times my head would just go blank. The whole thing felt rather rigid and didn't have a natural flow. And even when I asked questions, honestly I couldn't pay attention to what he was saying because in my mind I was like *shit I need to come up with 3 more questions, think soos_mite_ah, think!* Also, this guy kept telling me "hey you can ask me anything, nothing is off the table." I think this was his way of trying to make the conversation more sexual and I say this because a few minutes after telling me this, he asked me about my first kiss and then next thing I know this man started talking about what losing his virginity was like. The story was concerning. It didn't really sound super consensual in the sense that he kind of went along with having sex despite not feeling comfortable in order to not spare the woman's feelings. And he played this off like it was something funny... Like, no buddy.. that sounds rather traumatic. Like idk, if laughing things off is his way of coping but I guess the way he framed this story showed a lack of self awareness. I'm aware that it's a thing where guys are expected to want it all the time and that saying no is like a blow to their masculinity so I was sitting there wondering if that applied here. Anyway, the date ended and he kissed me. I mean, I was alright with it but then he just put his tongue in my mouth with no warning. The whole experience was just BLEGH. I wish he checked in and asked if I wanted to go further. It happened faster than I was able to say anything. I felt like this was something that was being done to me rather than something that I was actively participating in. I pulled away a couple times and he pulled me back in both times. Then I was like *hey I really got to go.* He asked me if I wanted to go back to his place to which I said "no, I have an 8am class tomorrow morning." I was not about to go into a stranger's car and go to his place. I just met him and I don't know how I feel about this yet. This is my first time meeting him in person and prior to that we've been talking online for a couple days. I don't know this man. He is a total stranger. Then I walked back home and I started venting to my roommate about this situation. I also didn't want to get into his car because I wanted to walk home by myself to try to make sense of this situation. The date felt awkward but not in the traditional way of being awkward. At the time I couldn't figure out which one of us were the awkward one. But also I did enjoy myself to a certain extent. Then again, first dates can be a little awkward. Also the whole kiss was a little weird imo. It could also be me starting off on the wrong foot because of my poor planning. Anyway, I decided that I was going to go on a second date with this guy to try to get more information about this dynamic. More on that in the next post.

I would say that do what feels authentic and natural to you. And that sometimes means honoring your boundaries by waiting for commitment because that is the healthiest and most sustainable choice for you personally at the time. But that doesn't mean you need to have or align with super rigid rules that you don't resonate with. The most important thing is that you are self aware and you check in with yourself. A quality guy will respect your boundaries. If sex is really important to him or he wants something less serious, he will communicate that and walk away if there is an incompatibility in y'all wants and needs in the dynamic because he respects his and your needs. If he wants something more serious and is willing to wait as well for whatever reason, he will let you know. What a quality guy won't do is shame you for your decisions and pressure you to do something that feels unnatural or inauthentic. And there isn't one way to be a quality guy in this kind of scenario. You don't have to have sex before commitment and choosing that doesn't mean you have a lack of opportunities or that you're some type of "nice guy." This is a very personal decision regardless of gender. Finally, I agree with @Etherial Cat and I second everything she says. Also, thank you for calling out how this isn't about being stingy with sexual energy.

It sounds to me you are mainly experiencing aesthetic attraction and romantic attraction rather than sexual attraction. It happens. Doesn't mean you're gay, might mean you're asexual or you have a low sex drive in general

I really need to learn how to trust myself, my abilities, and my instincts more. As great it is to question everything and take your thought process into account, I think I'm going too far on the other end. I need to develop a solid sense of self trust and confidence because I can see myself ending up in some pretty terrible situations if I'm always doubting myself.