soos_mite_ah

I also feel like you're more likely to get Yes as an answer on this forum because of the guys who have porn addictions in this website and they're more likely to point to the ills of porn itself rather than take responsibility that they misused it in an unhealthy way.

We Need a Stage Green President Before a Stage Yellow President This is not a new realization. By the logic of the sprial, you need to integrate the previous stages and go through the current stage rather than skipping too far ahead. I got that understanding in my personal development when I tried to jump too far ahead to Turquoise a few years ago which messed me up in a bunch of ways. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that felt impatient when it came to spiral development on a collective level. And I can't say that there isn't a part of me that still isn't impatient tbh because my bias is wanting to move up sooner rather than later for the benefit for everyone. I'm not exactly excited about the collective ego backlash that has been the 2020s pop culture so far. But upon further reflection, upon further research in effective rhetorical methods in the current political environment, it feels pretty evident that we need to have a full stage Green cycle and stay in tier 1 before jumping to Yellow and beyond, as exciting as that might be. I discussed the issue with how nuance is being weaponized to justify and cultivate complacency and stagnancy through overthinking instead of advocating for bold action in a more conscious direction. I discussed it in the post below: We're in a place where Stage Orange (and to a lesser extent Blue) is cultivating a brainrot in the general population to where a chunk of this country is not even opperating on the same reality of facts. I'm specifically singling out Orange because that's our center of gravity at the moment. And while that does need to be integrated and that is the process we're on given this ego backlash, we also need to push past this into Green to save the economy, to save the working class, to save trans people, to save the climate, to save the Palestinians, and more. I've also seen instances where hyperintellectualism was also weaponized in educational circles to ignore current pressing issues. I think the Israel-Palestine Conflict is a perfect example of this. It's very obvious who the aggressor with the more power (and therefore has disproprotionate amount of responsibility in the violence) is. But as people are actively being bombed, starved, raped, and tortured in Gaza, there are universities that are still trying to parse out the nuances of how to solve this conflict. Don't get me wrong, while this is not a morally complicated issue, solving this is logistically messy in terms of populations, propoganda, powerful actors with money etc. and how to coordinate all of those parties together. Having in depth nuanced conversations has a time and place. And the time and place isn't when there is an active genocide happening. You need to have a hard line in cutting support for Israel off financially, fuck what the AIPAC money says, combat the pro Israeli propoganda that is dehumanizing the Palestinians, and demand a ceasefire first. You need to put the current fire out first before you go to the drawing board to figure out how to build a new structure. You cannot actively plan on what to build while withholding water as the flames fan out. That's not constructive. Now is not time to have detailed nuanced conversations with people who are either not going to engage in good faith or not capable of engaging in a meaningful way. Now is the time to shame conservatives and make them embarrassed to have the positions they have, not to the point where they go into the shadows and create their own communities to breed toxic ideologies, but to the point where they're ashamed to the point where they don't even feel comfortable reaching out to people. They need to be ashamed to the point where they have to take a very long hard look in the mirror. Meeting people with understanding in situations where they are militantly against anything constructive in this country is not a display of strength to them, rather they will see it as a source of weakness that they can point to as a victory. Sometimes, you need to bully people back because they're not going to respond to reason but they'll respond to a bruise to their ego and their emotions. Nuance and academic language isn't going to power people up to act in times when people need to be passionate. And a stage Yellow leader or politician is not going to do that. But a militant stage Green leader or politician will passionately advocate for their positions, not fall victim for ceeding ground, and have the appropriate amount of anger and contempt to meaningfully challenge the stage Orange opposition rather than trying to integrate/ capitulate to them. Because even if you want an integrative solution right at this moment, given the current polarization and backlash, you're not going to be able to engage with these parties (corporations, media, billionaires etc.) in a healthy, constructive, and good faith way because those parties are long gone in the excesses of Orange. At this point, you need to call them tf out and regulate the shit out of them. World War 2 was when this country switched over from having stage Blue being the center of gravity to stage Orange being the center of gravity. Don't get me wrong, the 1950s was still very Blue, but it was mainly after the decolonization of the post war era, the unprecendented degree of wealth the U.S. saw from the 50s to the 90s, the automation and the simplification for the sake of efficiency in manufacturing etc. that we moved into mainly Orange. The Civil War marked when this country moved to Blue as the center of gravity as it let go of slavery (mainly Red) and as the wild west started to diminish as westward expansion and regulation extended. There was a good amount of Blue here in prior to the Civil War and there was a good chunk of Red immediately after, but there was a meaninful shit on which took center stage. I don't know what the fuck we're going through right now, but after this tumultuous time, once things settle down, we're going to be in a much more stage Green world and Orange will take more of a second seat like Blue did in the 50s. And we can only get through this season of chaot with someone who is militantly passionate in Green rather than a more subdued Yellow. Don't get me wrong, Yellow is still important and it's important that we continue to cultivate that. But now it's not the time for Yellow to blossom and take center stage. It's the time to plant seeds and conserve pockets of Yellow in the same way Green was cultivated and preserved years ago before it was ready to take center stage. I'm talking very broadly and collectively here. If you're dealing with individuals who are more Orange/Blue, that's something you have to learn to deal with on a case by case basis depending on the context of the interaction, how far gone they are, your relationship to them, etc. Don't go off on regular dumbasses and be socially stupid because you have tried to have conversations you're not socially adept enough at having lol.

I voted no Pros for Porn: Can decrease assault as it gives people an outlet less stigma for sex can be an outlet to explore desires and creativity depending on the type of porn Cons: irresponsible usage of porn getting exposed to it when you're underaged and as a result you have a dependence and have a distortion of what sex,sexuality, and relationships realistically look like addictions especially when it comes to internet porn and how it's exaggerated to continue to feed dopamine receptors (some people start craving seeing more and more violent and crazy scenes or they have a very distorted view of what women typically look like for example). using porn as an escape from regular life and getting dependent on it to regulate emotions to where you're neglecting your regular life. the sex work industry as it is now where people are getting pimped out, tapes and nudes are getting leaked, predating on people with vulnerable life circumstances, the lack of respect sex workers get to where the law doesn't really protect them and employers discriminate against them, actors not getting paid enough etc. I know that my pros look shorter than my cons list but I still voted no because it's the porn itself that is the problem rather it's the irresponsible usage and the way it plays into the existing issues with the sex work industry. Even if you get rid of porn, the issues with the sex work industry will still be there tbh. And the way that I interpreted this, is that porn can be a variety of things. It can range from explicit novels, your standard PH explore page, paintings from the 1800s, Only Fans, or hell, cave drawings and clay carvings from ancient civilization. Porn has always been here in one form of another and it's not that porn that is the issue but it's more so about the medium, the way it's used, and the industries it interacts with.

@Schizophonia interesting.. why do you think that is?

Not really. But there is aggression from both sides involved in the fantasy as it is hate sex lol. idk, maybe I'm type casting him based on personality lmao

Not really, or that hasn't been my personal experience. I've had the same tastes for more of a swtich dynamic before and after birth control. The lack of birth control honestly just messes with my sex drive more than anything. Like before birth control, it would just have random spikes but when I'm on birth control, it's more steady. Like sure, before all of this happened I thought R had a beautiful voice and a decent body, but I didn't get the same kind of arousal as I did when I was off birth control. It's like the difference between looking at an apple and thinking it looks good vs actually being hungry for an apple even if you don't typically like apples. I also think with this person, the stars just kind of aligned in a weird way for like 2 weeks because I was dealing with hormonal fluctuations, an existential crisis, and his body changed more so in a way that aligned with my preferences. Similarly with L, it's kind of like having strawberries be one of your favorite fruits and you have it a normal amount but then suddenly, you're just craving it out of no where where you're boxes of strawberries each week.

I agree, it's not always a trauma thing and painting it as such just pathologizes sometimes normal human desires and tendencies and creates shame where you can't be honest with yourself of your partner. Like sometimes, it's just a kink or fantasy lol. There are men who like to be submissive just like women lol. It's not really gender thing but I guess patterns exist due to what we consider normal and how we socialize people. At the same time, it can be a trauma thing for some people but that's something that the person dealing with the fantasy has to determine for themselves and come to their own conclusion on or have a therapist look into things if things are serious. Something as personal as sexual fantasies, unless they're really egregious (something super violent, plays on racist stereotypes, wanting to actually violate consent, hypersexuality / not taking necessary precautions etc.) and it escalates from a fleeting thought to actively wanting to act on it, is not something for strangers on the internet, spiritual or otherwise, to determine if its coming from a place of trauma. Like I know for me personally, I tend to switch between being the more dominant and being the more submissive partner sexually depending on my mood. I do have my preferences of guys who look a certain way. And there are some sensual experiences that I like during sex that have nothing to do with trauma upon further introspection. However, when I was younger, I did have a fantasy of going for much older guys (think 8-13 years older than me) and I know that wasn't coming from a healthy place. It was a mix between the biases I grew up with, feelling like I couldn't relate to people my age because of how my trauma at the time aged me, and a sense of conditioning where older guys tend to hit on me because I looked older so as a result, I began to associate desire with older men. Thankfully, I never encountered a predator and these guys would back tf off when they realized how young I was and I didn't act on any of these feelings. But I did give myself the time and space to explore those fantasies in a healthy way, figure out where they're coming from, and honor what was coming up. That said, being into older partners isn't always a trauma thing. Sometimes it's just being young and looking up to people or sometimes, you just like the way some people look as they get older. Sometimes, after you get older, 5-8 years of a difference isn't as much of a big deal and there isn't an undercurrent of weirdness there in terms of power dynamics regarding the overall dynamic. I agree. I think the binary of domination = winning VS submission = losing is a part of the patriarchial framework to a certain extent. Like, I've heard of stories of insecure guys getting defensive when their female partner wants to do something nice for them and get them a present or pay for dinner, or the woamn is having a more active role in sex and is more dominating in the dynamic. At the same time, there is a difference between talking about this in the context of sex between consenting adults versus the overall relationship dynamic one has (I'm sure you get it, but just throwing it out there for the incels on this forum who maybe reading this lol).

I'm glad this amuses you lol. I'm still contemplating on deleting this post depnding on how embarrassed I feel That sounds great! Happy for you.

What I Get Out of Internet and Social Media So I have been trying to cut down on my social media usage and how much I'm online in general. I watched a good HealthyGamerGG video that was talking about how if you want to overcome a video game addiction or social media addiction for example, you want to figure out what psychological need the video game is fulfilling and then go out in the world and replicate that in a more sustainable way in real life. I want to reflect on that more. I also liked this quote from the video from 15:15 to 15:39: I really like the phrase "balance is chasing inefficiency" in this context because it ties in what i talked about on how convenience and optimization culture and how it sucks the fulfillment out of life: Anyways, here is my reflections on Dr. K's video: 1. Educating myself: I feel like the reason why I watch hours of video essays and watch tiktok takes is because it leaves me feeling more educated. And I think there is a basis of reality in that feeling because I'm pretty well informed with what's happening in the world since I'm not just taking in slop. I love learning about politics, different social issues, and different cultures from the content I consume. I also think that educating myself leads me to feeling like I'm doing something to further the social causes I care about because I'm expanding my consciousness, I'm posting about things, and that kind of educational content allows me to have conversations with people irl. Ways to educate yourself and engage politically without the internet: Read + volunteer + phone bank + protest + go to city hall meetings 2. I feel like I need a break and turn my brain off: Sometimes I want to see something silly or scroll endlessly for an hour or so to decompress from work or to decompress from being outside all day Ways to turn your brain off without the internet: Go on a walk, work out, draw/ paint, dance around in your room, have sex, meditate, take a short nap 3. A feeling of connection through parasocial relationships and by being in the know for different trends: I noticed that I tend to not be on social media or the internet when I have a full social schedule. I think sometimes, I resort to certain types of content for the sake of relating to others who have similar views and interests and wanting to be relatable and in the know with what's happening with pop culture. Ways to feel more connected to people: go into the office and talk to your coworkers, socialize with your friends more often by calling them, hang out with your significant other, talk to strangers, join your local DSA. I also have a few goals / strategies I'm employing to combat my sense of nihilism that is being exacerbated by me being on my phone: Read one book every 1-2 weeks: started on this goal but I cannot say I have been doing a good job tbh. Replace your current iphone with a Blackberry that doesn't have social media: I've tried to delete the apps, log out, or have limits on the apps but none of these have worked. So I'm going to switch over to a Blackberry for a few months to see how that works out. Plus i've seen some videos of people switching out their smart phone or a dumb one and that has helped heal the brain rot. Phone bank: I've only done this once so far and it's been great Protest: I find that this is helpful in processing collective grief. I also think it's fun to paint various signs. Close your eyes for like 15-20 min instead of scrolling when you feel like you need to decompress after work or after you get home from being out and about Get back into the habit of working out: helps me turn off my brain and lets me physically engage with life more Later, I want to start volunteering, start doing to DSA meetings, be more active in local politics. I also want to socially be out there more and have more friends who resonate with me. And one day, I want to move to a walkable city. That all sounds like a lot at the moment so I'm going to focus on the handful of things I listed above.

Finding the Fire in My Soul Again + Horny Thoughts: As I have been trying to work out my feelings around cultural nihilism and the way that the nihilism manifests for me personally, I have been dealing with some interesting emotions as of late. Here is a brief overview over my existential crisis about igniting the fire in my soul again : I have been kind of throwing things at the wall to see what will work in terms of bringing this spark back into my life. Basically, my strategy for now is literally do anything except scroll on social media. Read a book. Write in your journal. Dance to music alone in your apartment. Hang out with people. Jack off. Cook something from scratch and try a new recipe. Sit in silence when you feel like decompressing instead of zoning out on Tiktok. Watch an Al Pacino movies on silent. Get coffee and talk to the barista. Do a work out class. Idk, just do literally anything to actively engage with life. Inconvenience and using your energy is not going to kill you or drain you but excessive convenience might in the same way that your brain and body decays not by using them but by not using them. At the same time, about a month or so ago, I've dealt with a situation where I ran out of birth control and it took some time before my doctor got the prescription together so that I can get my medication again. As a result, I had a two week period where I wasn't on birth control. And since I have a hormonal imbalance that the birth control regulates, those two weeks threw me off. Thankfully, I didn't deal with many side effects other than breaking out a little more and having some low energy here and there which is a minor inconvenience. But the thing that has been fucking me up is the way that those two weeks threw off my sex drive and messed with my sense of attaction to men. Basically, I have been hornier than usual and i'm thinking of people in ways that I typically don't. And I think I'm going to write about it here so I can process that lol. The first person I want to talk about is my coworker who I'm going to call R. R is a gym rat who doesn't season his chicken and I kinda thought he looked weird for the longest time because he kind of reminded me of this hairless cat both interms of his physique and his vanity/body image issues: But recently, he's been kind of stressed at work so as a result he hasn't been hitting his protein goals and working out in the way that he normally does. I can tell because he's been complaining about that and because he now looks more like a normal person since he has thinned out a bit. R is one of those naturally skinny guys who basically has to do crazy shit to maintain a yolked appearance. In other words, the man has lost weight, looks more like his normal self, and as a result, i'm not getting uncanny valley, hairless cat vibes from him. Instead, in my opinion, he looks pretty good and kind of toned. R also has a really attractive voice in my opinion. He has a southern accent and this deep soothing voice that is at the same time kind of authoratative. Even if I don't really like him as a person and physically he reminded me of the hairless cat video, even in the first day of this job, I always got a little flustered talking to him because he has such a beautiful voice. Given my line of work, this is also like the perfect customer service voice since angry clients do need to be calmed down but at the same time you can't just be a pushover lol. R is also kind of stoic, cold, and stern personality wise. This is not the type of guy I'm usually into. But I think that I'm into him now because 1. birth control is making me act weird and 2. because my current partner is the opposite of all of those things. My current partner, X, is very silly, warm, nurturing, kind, and playful. That's what I love about him and that's what makes our relationship fulfilling because it compliments my personality while also being a good fit for me emotionally. I guess the way I would describe it is that X is like a chocolate lava cake that is the start of the show is warm, sweet, and has a lot going on for you to enjoy. But when I'm enjoying a lava cake, I do crave ice cream on the side to complement the lava cake. I probably wouldn't crave vanilla ice cream if the lava cake wasn't there. In other words, R is the ice cream. It's not necessarily his personality that I find attractive rather it's the contrast of what I typicaly go for. Here's the problem with R. R is a conservative who has said a bunch of questionable shit at work. While he's not a die hard Trump supporter, he has mentioned that he has a few friends who have a shrine dedicated to Trump and by the sound of it, the man wasn't joking. He also seems to have questionable morals around women or at the very least hangs out with questionable people. R has mentioned that he's afraid of getting falsely accused of abuse or rape which had me raise and eyebrow. Either he has done something questionable, the people he knows has, or he has no sociological understanding of the likelihood of a woman coming with these claims. R also made a comment about passport bros and it's unclear on exactly which side he's on, whether he's acknowledging the power dynamic between having a money and coming across a woman in a third world country, or he's fantasizing about being in that position to "easily change girl's life with $20." Given his history, I'm unfortunately willing to bet the later. And while he is the type of person I don't want to associate with myself outside of work, I have learned how to work with him and not be weird in social setting where he's there. He's weird character and questionable morals politically thankfully isn't bleeding into the way that he professionally carries himself so it's not like he profiling people, spreading gossip, being opprotunistic with upper management, or being shady throwing members of our team under the bus. I actually respect R's work ethic and the way that he professionally stands up for himself and others. In other words, he doesn't seem like a total dumbass. On top of his questionable character, R is also in a relationship. I have no interest in pursuing R since 1. I'm not a homewrecker, 2. I don't want to fuck a conservative, 3. I don't want to throw my current relationship in the trash and hurt someone I care about, and 4. I don't want to fuck up my career trajectory and reputation. That man has HELL NO written all over him, attractive physique and voice aside. Like sure, I fantasize about him bending me over and telling me what to do and having hate sex, but the fleeting thought of acting on it or getting into a relationship (platonic, romantic, fwb) with this guy has me feeling like this cat: Then there is my professor from like 6 years ago. I'm going to call him L. I had a pretty long period where I fantasized about this man until I found someone who had a similar personality and was more appropriate to date. He was a placeholder of sorts and I didn't want to act on it. I stopped thinking about this guy once I got into my current relationship, but I never stopped finding him attractive. He kind of looked like Al Pacino in THE 70s (not to be confused with Al Pacino in HIS 70s) except he was a couple shades darker (L is South Asian, not Italian lol) and had more body hair. L is the only person that I have found attractive without any prior emotional attachment. He was so beautiful. He had this gorgeous wavy hair that I wanted to run my fingers through. He also did the slutty thing that guys do which is roll up his sleeves. Like deadass, I am this meme. He also had softer facial features, full lips, and really expressive dark brown eyes. I also like darker features in general. I'm not really into guys who are overly masculine looking (like no giga chads for me lol). And on top of all of this, he is a short king! I like shorter guys (think around 5'5" to 5'8") because I'm on the shorter end and it just feels more proportional. And not to be gross, but I feel like if you have a big height difference with your partner, that certain sex positions just don't work or is logistically harder to do. I feel embarrassed that I'm still thinking about L after so long to where a lot of this is just hard write (I'm probably gonna delete this post and keep it private, idk). My type is men who look like this: My current partner on the other hand looks more like a young Ryan Gosling. Don't get me wrong, I am attacted to X, but he's not my type. I'm not one to reject someone for superficial reasons. I'm comfortable with compromising my preferences but I don't compromise my standards. Like I might like shorter guys, but i'm not going to reject someone if they're taller (my man is like 6'1"). And X is the only person I have ever been with. We are each others' first and only everything. I have talked about this with my partner about how we are both late bloomers and we're each other's first everything. And since neither of us are particularly jealous and possessive, we are open to the idea of an open relationship upon further discussion. I'm pretty satisfied with my relationship with X and I don't think there is anything fundamentally wrong in our relationship. I'm just kind of in a place where I want to explore. I have a higher sex drive due to the birth control messing with me. I feel more confident and present in my body since having the surgery. And that is also making me want to put myself out there more instead of hiding away in shame of how I'm perceived. I have this urge to put myself out there whether that means dancing and going out more, or flirting with people. I think part of it is that I want to cultivate a more passionate and engaged life given the existential crisis i'm going through. There is a good Tiktok that I saw about how society right now is in this weird place where people are hypersexualized but there is a sense of prudishness due to a lack sensuality. There is a phrase that really harks on this sentiment of how everyone is beautiful but no one is horny. We chase perfection in terms of societal beauty standards but we lose a sense of humanness along the way. Like who tf is having sex after a 10 step skin care routine and after you put on 5 products for your morning shed?!?! The creator of the Tiktok was talking about how as romance author, it's very easy for her to find graphic sex scenes in romance novels but those books doen't a do a good job at capturing the sensuality and the build up of everyday life and the relationship dynamic. And ultimately, this lack of sensuality is coming from a place of not being present in our lives and in our bodies, in being disengaged with life itself. With L, and I guess guys who look like L like young Al Pacino, I feel like there is an itch that hasn't been scratched because I've never done anything with a guy who was my type. With R, I think there is a desire to explore different personality types and relationship dynamics than what I'm used to. But there are some things that are stopping me from having the conversation to open up my relationship. I don't know how much of this is just the birth control making me act weird. This could just be a phase that lasts a couple months. I know that the moment that I started on my birth control, I stopped being attracted to R. I still think his voice is beautiful, but I'm not fantasizing about him anymore (and thank god because the cognitive dissonance was NOT FUN) I'm not super confident in my sexual performance to do anything with other guys other than my partner. I get tired kind of easily. I'm not super into giving head. I like cuddling more than having sex. And penetration is either not pleasurable at best or painful at worst (it's mostly physiological rather than psychological. Like I'm turned on and relaxed but it still doesn't feel great). And I think a lot of guys would look at me like I'm sexually awful in bed. As much as I want to explore guys who look different and who have different personalities, I feel like a lot of men do not pass my standards in terms of character, especially given the current political climate. I don't trust strangers to have access to my body especially given the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Not to mention, there is a physical safety issue to consider. I don't think I can do like one night stands. Fwb, maybe after hanging out with the guy a few times without anything sexual to make sure they aren't psychotic (or worse, a guy who listens to alpha male podcast bros). R is attractive and has a good personality, but questionable character. I don't know much about L's character but when it comes to Al Pacino, so many of the characters he plays on screen are so questionable to where I have been watching movies on silent so that I can enjoy how good he looks but not have his character ruin the vibe. Also, Al Pacino irl is like 85 and he had a daughter who is YOUNGER than me and he's with women who are like half his age. Again, bad character. It has me feeling like the cat throwing up at the sight of broccoli video above. So I can't even have the fantasy of going back in time to 1975 and fucking him because he's a weirdo irl. There are so many guys that I saw in college who I thought was attractive until they started saying weird shit. Like you were hot before you started lecturing me about the carnivore diet and fan girling over Elon Musk. Like this desire to explore and have fun but also not hang around questionable creatures has me feeling frustrated emotionally and sexually. Like, why can't men shut up and look pretty? I know that sounds very misandrist of me to say. A lot of misogynists have the same view about women. But the difference between me saying this and a misogynist is that a misogynist doesn't want a woman with opinions or a personality because they don't view women as people. I on the other hand love a zesty man with personality and opinions. I just don't like it when the personality and opinions are bad and are reflective of horrid character.

Character vs Personality vs Skill Maintaining and managing friendship after college in my mid-twenties has been a trip. I have friends but it does make me sad that I'm not pouring into them as much as I want, not because I'm not putting in the effort, but because this is a stage of life where a lot of people are bouncing around trying to figure their lives out and that can pose logistical issues, incompatible priorities, and shifts in personality and attitude. So as a result, over the last year and a half or so, I've had to deal with awkward conversations, people drifting apart, and one really weird and abrupt friendship breakup that still has me scarred to a certain extent. And for the most part, internet relationship advice, platonic or not, has been...... interesting. I think the internet and the people in it can present a lot of relationship advice with a lack of nuance since it's speaking to a general audiance and it may or may not apply to your particular situation. And in the situation that it may sort of apply, it can get misapplied. So as a result, I've had to take a step back and actually learn some conflict resolution skills. But there are some things that I found on the internet that I found to be helpful. One is that the price you pay in community is annoyance and inconvenience. Sure, there are times where you want to cancel plans just because you don't feel like it or just not reply back to a friend but you shouldn't let that impulse drive you as it can further isolate you from the people you care about. There is a certain amount of responsibility that you need to take when maintaining community and it's not going to be in the path of least resistence, especially when it involves helping people out. And also, if you're friends with someone for a long time, there are bound to be moments where the other person annoys you but that doesn't mean that you paint them as toxic and cut them off, rather it means either A. tolerating it if it's just something little and learning to see past this or B. if it does really bother you, have a conversation about it rather than ghosting or being weird in other ways. I think a strategy that has helped me to know how to have certain conversations and being able to pinpoint where issues are arising to have better judgment on people in situations is differentiating if a behavior is due to a character issue, personality difference, or skill issue. Character refers to who someone is and how they move through the world, as well as their attitude and world view. Personality is how someone presents themselves. Skill is someone's ability to logistically manage their lives and their relationships. Even if the issue being discussed is the same, depending on the source, character, personality, or skill, the issue can be handled in various ways. Let's taking being late as an example. I've seen multiple on the internet who gives advice on friendship designate being late as a character flaw in that it shows that a person doesn't value your time or your friendship so you have to cut them off. But in my personal experience as the friend who is always early to meetings who happens to be friends with people who tend to always be late, that's not always the case. Being late as a character flaw can be a symptom of someone not valueing your time and your friendship since as adults, you're kind of expected to be on time for work and various appointments so it's like, if you can be on time for that, why can't you be on time for your friends? It can also be a symptom of a lack of reliability in people as well. In this situation, I believe that it's best to have a conversation if something rubbed you in the wrong way to see if this a symptom of a larger issue. If being late is one manifestation of someone not valueing your time, are there other manifestations that a person has indicated that they don't value your time? If so, it's important to call that out and hold the other person accountible. And depending on how that conversation goes and the other person's ability to take responsibility, you may or may not have to distance yourself from this person because you're not collateral for people's personal development. Being late can also be a personality / cultural thing since a lot of cultures don't really have an element of punctuality and they're just overall more chill in this aspect of life so 15 min here and there isn't really a big deal. It's not really indicative of them not valuing your time rather it's just a more relaxed and spontaneous way of viewing time. If anything, in some of these cultures, being super on time and expecting other people to do the same can come across as overbearing, nitpicky, and uptight to where it feels like you're running your friendships like a transactional business meeting rather than a casual and approachable relationship where you can be warm with friends. In this situation, I believe that you need to evaluate people's strengths and weaknesses and see what system makes sense for both of you guys. It's not a personal attack that the other person is always late but it's basically up for negotiation on how both of y'all are willing to handle this in a win win solution. It's not two people against each other, it's two people against the problem. And I think it's important to have people with different personalities, strengths, and weakness in your life so that y'all may learn from each other and learn how to deal with different kinds of people rather than trying to change everyone to be exactly the same. Being late can also be a skill issue where the person in question does care a lot about the people in their lives but for whatever reason, they suck at time management. It could be because of life circumstances shifting and as a result they have new demands they're having trouble keeping up with, bad habits they were brought up with that they're working on addressing. In these situations, I think people need to see how this is a skill issue and work in ways to resolving this whether it's as simple as correcting bad habits or it's bigger in the sense they need to move things around in their lives. I think in this situation, patience is important in that these habits aren't going to change over night but you should see some movement in the right direction and effort being made on their end. But you still need to communicate and have a conversation so that this gets addressed and so that y'all know what to improve in terms of how to show up in this relationship. Another example I can think of is the issue of being socially awkward. Social awkwardness as a character flaw can look like someone who is obnxious in behavior or beliefs, doesn't know how to respect boundaries, or is standoffish because they think they're better than everyone else (think your typical incel). Social awkwardness as a personality trait can look like someone taking a minute to figure out social dynamics before acting so as a result, they might not look comfortable right off the bat. They don't come off as an asshole rather, they're just a little bit of a silly goose (I feel like I fall into this category and I've learned to embrace it. My boyfriend does as well and it was very evident when we first started dating). And finally. social awkwardness can be a skill issue where maybe a person isn't the best at carrying a converation or they're like socially anxious in which case they might just need to put themselves out there more since their social skills are a bit rusty because they haven't worked that muscle as much lately or they might need therapy to address underlying anxieties. The problem is that if we label all three manifestations as a charcter flaw, you're moralizing the issue and writing off a lot of well meaning people as horrible. If we label all three manifestations as a personality issue, you're kind of saying that this is who a person is in their identity and that cannot be changed. If we label all three manifestations as a skill issue, if it's a charcter issue, you're just applying a bandaid where you're making a charismatic psychopath, and if it's a personality issue, then you're expecting someone to change who they fundamentally are and that can come in the way of them learning to accept themselves and instead work against themselves rather than work with themselves. I also feel like shit political takes can typically fall under either the character flaw or the skill issue route (as there is not right wing/ left wing personality though there are some correlations here and there) People with shitty right wing political takes can have these takes due to a character flaw in a lack of empathy or disdain for certain kinds of people. People with shit political takes can be due to a skill issue where they suck at media literacy and fall into conspiratorial thinking or they were raised in an environment without diverse people or ideas, thus leading them to act like a dumbass at times. As for personality, I have seen that people who tend to be more risk averse, have a higher disgust reaction, or score low on openness and agreeablness as per the OCEAN personality test, tend to lean more conservative. It's not a gurantee but I don't think that personality is a life sentence to your political views rather that ceratin personality traits can lead people to work towards developing certain skills or refrain from developing certain skills. For example, I tend to be pretty risk adverse and I have a higher disgust reaction, but I'm leftist. My boyfriend isn't super high on openness or aggreeableness compared to me, but we still have similar values and character which then translates to more leftist views. Other examples can be that a person can be a little stoic and distant (personality), but that doesn't mean they're emotionaly unavailable (character issue). A person can be really charismatic (personality + skill), but also be shady af (character). Someone can be a good person (character) and someone you mesh really well with personality wise, but suck at having difficult conversations and reaching out (skill). Like I myself am a decent person who is pretty well aligned with my values and I'm well informed in the world and what people around me deal with (character) and I have good relationship skills to keep up with people, balance my own life to fulfill social obligations, and solid communication skills (skill), but I'm not exactly the most charismatic person in the room who shoots sunshine out of her ass (personality). I don't have to have a specific personality type in order to be "good with people." Overall, I feel like being able to distinguish various issues in to the buckets of character, personality, and skill has helped me to make a better judgement towards people and situations, aid in conflict resolution, and not take a lot of things as personally.

Nihilism Part 7: Spiral Dynamics Stage Yellow: I know in a previous post I mentioned that a lot of the cultural nihilism we're experiencing is due to late stage capitalism and the excesses of stage Orange. I do stand by that. However, as I'm evaluating the ways that cultural nihilism manifests in my life personally, I think part of it is because I moved to / was exposed to stage Yellow from age 19, which is pretty young. It's great in the sense that I didn't get trapped in Green and I am able to see past it, and also ground myself in the spiral chaos/ ego backlash state that we're in as a society now. Sprial Dynamics has helped navigate this shit storm that has been the 2020s and I'm proud to say that the empathy that it has allowed me to cultivate and the big picture understanding it gave me has helped me stop friends from getting radicalized by shit like the crunchy to alt right pipeline or by Sprinkle Sprinkle feminism for example. At the same time, I think it took a way this sense of stage Green optimism and fighting spirit in me. I think after I found Sprial Dynamics back in 2019, i started getting this attitude of *I'm better than these other students who feel the need to protest and get involved on campus because I see the bigger picture and I know that none of this really matters.*And sure, it's great that I never got super swept up by any one ideology. But at the same time, you can have as much of a systemic, big picture analysis as you want, that's not going to change the fact that you're one small person and small actions matter too, probably more so than big actions. Like, I think it's kind of hypocritical that I care about various social issues to study them but I'm not doing anything hands on like volunteering, protesting, phone banking, annoying represenatives etc. Instead I'm journaling and having an existential crisis in the corner. I think I also picked up on this hubris of *I'm too good to engage with the infighting of tier 1 and I'm not going to fight back or argue.* Part of it I believe is stage Yellow not feeling the need to constantly prove themselves like the previous stages. But I think part of it is also cowardice on my part. I'm not great at debates or at engaging with certain kinds of people. If I can sense that a discussion isn't being done in good faith, I mentally check out. And while that is valid in terms of having personal boundaries, I think for me personally, it stops me from confronting people and situations where i need to stand up for myself, my values, and the people around me. And this lack of engagement, not with toxic beliefs, but this lack of engagement with life itself is part of the problem that breeds cultural nihilism. Sure, it's uncomfortable to deal with certain people or situations, but it's important to know how to meet people where they're at and engage in healthy conflict management / conflict resolution. And yes, disengaging is a tool you can use for healthy conflict management and resolution, but it shouldn't be the only tool in your tool kit. Finally, I think another downside of stage Yellow is the way that it prioritizes nuance. I think nuance is overall a good thing in most situations as it helps you evaluate various perspectives to create a more integrated, holistic solution and it helps you have more constructive conversations. But, I also think there is a time and a place for it. I found this video that illustrates the problems with having a nuanced approach to everything and how it can be misapplied: I recommend watching the whole video. I think to sum it up, the video presents this following point made in the end from 42:10 to 43:33: I know Leo in his video on Stage Yellow talks about how taking on multiple perspectives and having a neutral stance isn't the same as seeing all perspectives as having the same value, nor is it falling for the neutrality bias where you take the middle road on everything. I think this video on the misapplication of nuance can build on that more that just because something is built up to be super complicated, that doesn't mean that it's helpful in the situation at hand and that we shouldn't have a bias towards nuance away from simplicity. And I think that this nuance trap is something that I find myself falling into at times and it can become a breeding ground for apathy, complacency, and nihilism, especially in the bolded parts above. I think I'm especially seeing it in my corporate job. I think that given that we're living in such polarized times and most of us are just trying to do our jobs so that we can get on with our lives, that it's best to avoid political conversations. I have a few coworkers who give off conspiracy theorist vibes, not to the Qanon extent, but more so in a *I believe that there is a puppeteer engineering everything going on and all the elections are pre-decided since I don't know how things really work* kind of way. I also notice some coworkers who have logic and facts but who cannot apply it in an appropriate context or sociologically cognizant way and as a result, they're coming to weird conclusions. And I usually try to disengage with these situations because I know that saying something could cause a fight and harm my professional relationships and because I feel like work is not really a social setting where you can have nuanced conversations. I feel like work, if you're trying to remain professional, is mainly a place where you keep things light and surface level because you don't want to probe into people's lives and boundaries so that there isn't unnecessary messiness that can get in the way of your productivity. But at the same time, I don't feel comfortable to let certain things that my coworkers say just slide because I feel like it reinforces a sense of complacency, even if it's just within myself. So it's like I find myself immobilized where I know that having the typical stage Green response where I'm going off on someone or getting weirded out isn't the answer, but at the same time, there isn't enough time and we're not in an appropriate setting for the nuanced Yellow response. And as a result, I fall into the nuance trap where I'm sitting there overthinking and overcomplicating things since my coworker said something that has 20 different things wrong at once and that causes me to act too little, too late, and too slowly. I always thought of myself as too stage Green when I first found Sprial Dynamics because I related to most of what was being said. And at age 19, that was true and I did need to go back an integrate parts of the previous stages and expose myself to Yellow. But I do think that given this existential crisis I'm experiencing around nihilism, that perhaps this is a part of stage Green that I have yet to fully integrate such as the importance of taking seemingly small action, learning to engage with tier 1 conflicts in an effective way rather than always running away or mediating from a place of hubris, and by not falling into the nuance trap. Tier 1: I also found this video to be particularly insightful in the way that cultural nihilism is showing up when talking to median voters in the upcoming NYC Mayoral election: I like the way that Vaush emphasizes the virtue of being curious and looking things up, even if it's as basic as who is running and what their positions are, because a lot of people don't even do the bare minimum. There is also a part where one person being interviewed mentions that they don't bother voting because they don't think it matters and because they don't agree with the system. And I like that Vaush called that out as apathy and cultural nihilism masquerading as being enlightened and rebellious. While I don't agree with the individual who said that they don't vote, I can empathize with his sentiment and also see how that dynamic of cultural nihilism masquerading as being enlightened and rebellious manifests in my life and attitudes. I also like the way that you can view this video and it shows how this cultural nihilism is showing up across race, gender, and socioeconomic background. I feel like this was a good sample and jumping off point for anecdotes and real life manifestions of the nihilism compared to Vaush's first video on cultural nihilism. As a result, I find myself reflecting on the ways that cultural nihilism can manifest throughout the sprial. Here is just a rough draft of thoughts: Stage Green: The nihilism can come from not seeing change soon enough and getting burnt out in the process of seeing chaos constantly ensue (i.e. compassion fatigue, overstimulation, feeling like things are just getting worse with no end in sight). It can also masquarade as being rebellious and not wanting to take part in a system (i.e all of the leftist who don't do anything other than fight each other on Twitter) Stage Orange: The nihilism can come from a lack of humanness in the world around you due to automation because you have essentially outsourced human satisfaction to technology (i.e. using Ai for all of your assignments instead of taking the time to learn, replacing hobbies and critical thinking with scrolling and consumerism, getting too comfortable and distracted to act, the difference between walking and driving places, aiming for efficiency and convenience rather than beauty, mindfulness, etc.) Stage Blue: The nihilism can come from an attitude of only caring about your immidiate family and literallly nothing else (i.e. nothing is important unless it affects me personally at my doorstep, conspiratorial thinking, a lack of epistemological literacy to where you're not verifying any sources and you're engaging in magical thinking/ peasant brain).

This is definitely the spark notes version since it's been about 6 years since I remember discussing this in college but ethnocentrism is a natural by product of a group defining their collective identity by separating an in group and our group. Having a collective identity can aid in organizing people and societies by giving people a sense of belonging and a sense that they're contributing to a greater whole. Eventually, this can turn into nationalism which is crucial for state building and the creation of different countries. Countries are created through nationalism because it groups people together in a more cohesive unit where they pay taxes for their society and militaristically defend the in group from the out group. Of course, this can become an excess once a society has reached a place where the state is clearly defined and is actually a cohesive country. I can see the necessity of nationalism and ethnocentrism in Iraq for example as it is a failed state of sorts, and you kind of need a strong man to round everyone together into a cohesive unit. However, in a country like the U.S. ethnocentrism and nationalism can easily become unhealthy and excessive since we are well past the state that Iraq is in.

I guess if we're going with the KKK member example, granted I'm not an expert on KKK members, but I can understand what factors in their life might have lead them to think that way (socioeconomic issues, indoctrination, the types of people they're around, all the ways that their environment normalizes and encourages racism, some other kind of trauma etc.) and how as a result, the views themselves reflects some kind of truth (i.e. sociological insight, how a lot of white Americans since they aren't in touch with their heritage, the resort to embracing the system the upholds the hiearchy as some identity of whiteness etc.) I believe that observing extreme ideologies like this can be insightful in the way that they expose finer nuances in society and human behavior by taking those nuances and blowing them up by 1000x so that you can take a closer look. Nevertheless, of course white supremacy is wrong and harms a lot of people and it goes without saying that I can understand where that ideology goes wrong.

I can see that. Funny enough, that's the same exercise I use whenever I'm dealing with someone difficult, KKK member or not. I'm not some how special because of the conclusions I have come to and the life path I have taken because if I was in a different situation with a different background and personality, I could've easily ended up like that. Hell, I'm sure I'll understand that in another life since I am the universe experiencing itself lol. How would you differentiate these two? I agree. I guess sometimes I wonder if's just a personal boundary or if I'm conflict avoident in certain situation. I watched some of Dr. K's content from HealthyGamerGG where he talks to incels for example and it's interesting to watch him navigate that without resorting to disengaging with the person, getting triggered, or triggering the other person. I like to use his interactions and his aproach to various issues as more of a lay person example of what yellow can look like. Granted he is a trained psychologist so his approach to engaging with people is a testament of that and I shouldn't compare myself and my reactions to similar situations to him, but it's still insightful.

So it's more about the steps in which one took to latch on to a certain ideology (or the act of latching on to ideology itself) and not being able to epistemically back it up in a coherent, well thought out way, rather than the perspective itself? Because I've met leftists who are more well educated / integrated versus leftists who just picked up by their environment for example and it feels like a night and day difference in terms of interactions. I guess it would also be the difference of proximity and actual liklihoood of harm. Like I'm afraid of serial killers and I don't want to encounter one but I'm not exactly panicing about it all the time where I have 50 locks in my house, I'm scared of going out at night, or whatever the people who tend to binge on True Crime podcasts do lol.

That makes sense. It's more about the dynamics and the conflict itself rather than the individuals at play from what I'm understanding. This is definitely a personal thing but I think I'm at a place where I can see a racist and not demonize them in the sense that I know that they are human beings who deserve basic rights and that there is a host of systemic reasons that yield a person to be like this. But if I was in a conversation with a KKK member and they start saying something crazy or they start yelling at me, I think I would freeze up and not know how to engage with that situation. Also, just in general, when I find myself in situations like this where I can sense that someone is deeply entrenched in a toxic mindset or worldview, my instinct is to disengage and distance myself rather than trying to convince/ lecture them. Maybe that's me being triggered, or maybe that's the most effective way to deal with some people, idk.

But isn't racism for example one of the many forms of Tier 1 stupidity? Or are you saying that a general, common sense of stupidity is more triggering than edge cases that you don't tend to find out in the wild that often?

The Importance of Inconvenience

Nihilism Part 6: A Better World is Possible As established in previous parts, though I can have checked out vegetable tendencies, I'm not a complete lost cause. I am intellectually and socially engaged enough to have a cohesive world view / morals and decent political takes. My nihilism doesn't extend into an over all disdain for life like a lot of alt-right individuals who want to defund everything except the military industrial complex because they're essentially a death cult. I do believe that a better world is possible and that we have the solutions to tackle a large portion of today's problems from climate change, the lonliness epidemic, economic austerity etc. However, implementing the solutions is much harder than coming up with the solutions based on studies and observations of what other places around the world handle their affairs because of things like corporate lobbying and taxes that benefit the richest among us. I'm not completely doomer pilled because I do look at a lot of the issues today and I do see ways that they can be fixed. But while I do believe that a better world is possible emotionally and intellectually, I feel like my actions indicate otherwise. I don't act like I believe a better world is possible because I believed that with every fiber in my being, I would probably take the streets to protest or have a more active role in my local government to enact the changes that I believe are possible. What's stopping me? It's the nihilism. It's the notion that a normal person like me cannot make meaningful changes however small. It's the notion that even if I can make a small change that it's not sufficent in addressing larger problems. And sure, those small actions might barely make a dent, but that doesn't mean that it's pointless to take action. It's weird. I'm detached from outcome enough to be nihilistic and not have a clear sense of direction to where cynicism and disillusionment flourish. But at the same time, I'm not detached from outcome enough to take action. I think another issue that contributes to my personal experience of nihilism is me discovering Spiral Dynamics a bit too early. I think it was good for me because it gave me a path to develop more as a person and address my biases so that I can move past stage Green. But I think in doing so, there are some aspects of stage Green that I skipped. Yes, I did get swept up in various social causes when I was teenager and sure I was kind of insufferable as a result. I needed to move into Yellow more to be able to associate with many different kinds of people even if they don't align with me politically and to be more in touch with systemic issues and their solutions. At the same time, I didn't go deep enough into Green to where my passion for various social causes created the impetus to go out and advocate for my beliefs. This is really petty but I remember when I first discovered Spiral Dynamics at 19, that I looked at all of the other stage Green people in my college who would get involved in various social causes on campus, who would volunteer, and who would go out as protest and see them as naive because they aren't actually making change. And sure, you can argue that they're not addressing the root causes of a lot of the issues they are advocating the solutions of. But at least they were doing something. Wheras I sat on my stage Yellow high horse and did nothing except have an existential crisis in the corner. I'm not saying stage Yellow doesn't care or is too dispassionate (a well integrated Yellow also integrates the stage Green optimism and passion). But what I'm saying is that while I am leaning towards Yellow, part of the reason that I haven't integrated it fully is because I have yet to integrate the passion in Green because I essentially skipped over it when I first discovered Sprial Dynamics. I think the cultural nihilism is a by product of having stage Orange as the center of gravity of a society. The nihilism problem isn't as prevalent in more stage Blue centric society because meaning is found in family, your community, hardwork, religion, priciples etc. A lot of these stage Blue countries are also not economically developed enough to reach the cap, so as a result, the people in those societies see an infinite sky of posibilites as they grow and develop while the stage Orange countries see the ceiling of those possibilities. I think swinging back to Green addresses some of the issues with Orange and how it feels hollow. It doesn't address everything but it certainly helps since like Blue, Green is more principled and is more collectivistic and community oriented compared to Orange.

Nihilism Part 5: Factors that Contribute to the Nihilism + Addressing Them I have wrote multiple parts about this and tied it to previous posts that I have written on. I'm just jotting down my thoughts here regarding the factors that I'm observing in cultural nihilism personally in my own life as well as broadly in a collective sense. 1. I was already in a job that I didn't find fulfilling from the get go so even though I had healthy habits, i still had an underlying feeling of purposelessness. 2. Detachment from outcome can be good to maintain a good pace to keep going with something meaningful but if we are too detached from outcome, then it can feel kind of aimless and pointless. For me personally, I think I need to go back to the way I was back when I was a teenager where I spoke up for myself more, where I had more confidence in my ability to change the world around me. Sure, back then, the confidence came from a naive place but I think I can still cultivate that within myself despite the realities I have been exposed to. 3. Getting your materialistic comforts fufilled creates more and more of this underlying feeling of purposelessness for me because it cuts the distractions. At the same time, when some people use materialistic comforts to further pacify themselves and rather it fufilling some needs, their material desires become a black hole of sorts. 4. Being exposed to the horrors of the world can lead to cynicism and desensitization to what's happening which then blunts your emotions and your ability to react. It's also made worse when things are so big picture that it feels like there isn't anything you can do from your tiny perspective to help things, especially when so much money is involved to keep things the way they are. I think this affects everyone to an extent. It affects people like me in a bullshit corporate job where we're watching things go down but we still are expected to slave away in our dumb tasks. It affects people who do have meaningful jobs that go up against these horrors (think teachers, social workers, nurses etc.) but they're flooded with cases yet there is no financial support in funding these projects and they're also understaffed. So as a result, it feels like an endless flow of cases without the reward for dealing with them nor an end in sight. It affects people at the top because they're removed from these realities and pacified via comfort to where it's tempting to continue pacifying themselves by making their next million dollars rather than doing something that is impactful. 5. The post modern atmosphere of deconstructing and challenging narratives creates a climate where cultural nihilism can thrive in because it's not creating a new narrative to replace things which then comes with a sense of lack of sincerity and meaning. And you can argue that's also a problem with the left at this time politically because there isn't a grand narrative or purpose for politicians to do what's actually good for their constituents rather they're worried about their own careers and pocketbooks that lobbyists line them with. I think my post titled "Ambitions of an Anti-Capitalist" is me acknowledging the narrative of the American Dream that I have desconstructed but at the same time, I'm trying to create a new "dream" or narrative to follow. 6. Isolation and a lack of community is the fertilizer for the nihilism to grow. And there are a lot of things in American society breeds a sense of isolation even if you do have friends and family. I'm talking about things like the nuclear family, the suburbs, car centric infrastructure etc. 7. Disillusionment is a big factor contributing to the cultural nihilism. In the video, Vaush talks about how in developing countries, it feels like there are limitless possibilities and the sky's the limit where the more you educate yourself and work on yourself, the more the world opens up to you wheras in first world countries, it's more like a ceiling that you can see the end of even if you aren't close to the roof. I think there is an undercurrent of disillusionment that I experienced as I became an adult. I started dealing with the unpredictability of real life and I was exposed to a vast array of people outside my small town and that dampened the naive sense of confidence I had in myself and my ability to make a difference. I am experiencing disillusionment when it comes to dealing with social issues and justice getting served. I have been exposed to highly educated and wealthy people and while their lives are materially wealthy, most of them are kind of eh as a person or they're like actual villains because after a certain point, wealth gives you brain rot. I feel disillusioned with democracy itself and the way that it has been corrupted by money. I also feel like I have encountered my own sense of disillusionment in real time this weekend when I went to go tour the Dallas Cowboys stadium. There was a specific moment in the tour where we went to one of the luxury suits where people can rent out to watch whatever sporting game, concert, or event that was going on. I remember walking in the suite and thinking how it's just a little bit smaller than my apartment. I remember sitting in the faux leather seats and thinking it was nothing special. I remember seeing the marble counter tops where you can rest your snacks or belongings and not thinking much of it. Don't get me wrong, this is pretty wild considering the average seat in a stadium is plastic and a pain to get in and out of. But also, that's kind of the experience, right? Being in this luxury suite made me feel removed from the experience of the stadium itself rather than heightening the experience. The elements that made it luxurious were things that I have encountered in other areas of my life so it wasn't like I was exposed to a lot of novelty sensually if that makes sense. All and all, I walked out thinking about how I don't see the point of spending $15-$30k for each seat. Spending $30k in a seat for a luxury suit versus spending $300 is not going to make the game more exciting or the music sound better. Sure, the $30k seats are more convenient in that the seats might feel nicer, you have more room, and you can essentially have a little party with food there. But that convenience I feel like is at the cost of actually being in the action and taking in the experience. 8. Excessive convenience takes the whimsy out of life and fucks up your dopamine receptors. It's more fulfilling and whimsical to read a good book and actively use your head versus scrolling on tiktok where the content is just spoon fed to you via the algorithm. It's more fufilling to have a 15 min walk to school rather than a 15 min drive. It's more fulfilling to go to the grocery store yourself, meander the halls, and maybe talk to a person than to have everything delivered to you via instacart. It's more fufilling to go out of your way and talk to a friend for 10 min about how their day is going in person rather than texting them. It's more fulfilling to actuallly take the time to learn the material in your classes than to use chat gpt for all of your assignments. I could go on but you get the point. What to do from here: Cut down on your online media consumption and social media consumption and replace them with hobbies or just plain doing nothing. Socialize with people more and active put yourself out there. Don't let the fact that you don't feel like it be an excuse. Get a different job that utilizes your degree in some way. Your current job is existentially horrible for you. Read more books. Actually engage your mind when taking in new information. Fix your attention span so that you're not some kind of zombie. Find ways to get more politically active. Stop crying about the state of the world in a corner. Move to a walkable city. I don't care if its going to be more expensive and if doing things like the laundry and groceries are going to be a pain. Do it. Actionable steps to do the above: I'm going to replace my smartphone with like a blackberry or something so that I can still text people but I cannot use social media. I have tried setting limits, deleting apps, etc. but nothing has worked so far. Youtube isn't the worst thing so I'm not going to fully cut it off but if I really want to do something on Youtube, I will have to do it on my laptop. Start reading book in place of scrolling. Aim for 1 book every 2 weeks. Join your local DSA and show up to the events. Use this way to engage with a community with like minded people who actually do something other than hang out on the internet all day. I'm going to look into the job and moving aspect later when I feel a little bit more like I have a handle on things and I feel less like a nihilistic vegetable.

Nihilism Part 4: Seeds and Sprouts I have been reading over my past journal entries from my previous journal to do some psychological archaeology as to where this feeling of nihilism is coming from and how long it has been in the shadows of my mind before coming to the forefront. I feel like this exercise helped me see the common thread that is connecting a lot of my previous post which is still something that I'm grappling with and trying to figure out. March 6th 2023: Coping with Capitalism Pt. 1 I feel like the seeds of discontent has been present from the moment I accepted this job. I always knew that this was going to be at a company that I stay at for a few years, get some work experience, get a few promotions, and then move on to what I actually wanted to do. I also had back then and maintained a decent standard of living habitually where I'm taking care of my mental health, I'm working out, I'm hanging out with friends, I'm nurturing my hobbies/ interests etc. but nevertheless, there is this underlying sense of meaninglessness. I also had a lot of free time during this part of my career since I was training, I didn't have many responsibilities in my role, and because this was when we had healthier management practices. And what did I do with that free time? I rotted away with video essays and short form content. It reminds me of the part in the Vaush video I keep referencing on how even if we improve people's material conditions like give them health care, time off, livable wages, that there is still this underlying cultural nihilism. That doesn't mean that those things aren't worth fighting for but there is something else in the air that isn't getting addressed. And yeah, I think it's pretty cool that I had like a solid 8 months in this job where it wasn't stressful at all, I was probably doing like 4 hours of actual work each day, I had financial stability, and I got out of my chaotic home environment. It was what I needed to rewire my brain from the tumultous times that I experienced up until that point. At the same time, I think the fact that I experienced this and I still had that affect of the cultural nihilism kind of demystified the notion of doing very little work, having good money, and leading a life that is more comfortable than fulfilling. Yes, I do think that people deserve to have a life where they don't have to struggle unnecessarily but at the same time, removing struggle isn't going to ignite or sustain the fire inside of you. And you can also have that fire inside of you even if you're struggling as well. I feel like since I wrote this post, the effects of the cultural nihilism has bloomed ten fold. Back then, it was dampened by the fact that I craved stability and that I was enjoying the boring aspects of this slower, healthier life. Now, the craving as been satiated so the nihilism is in the forefront. Existential dread due to political unrest does steal the spot light every now and then to where I start thinking that stability and monotony is the answer, but then I remember back when I had the stability and monotony just by itself and that didn't feel too great either. Nevertheless, I feel like the existential, political dread still complements the character of nihilism in this play of my life which I'm going to explore further as I talk about other posts. March 8th 2023: Coping Under Capitalism Part 2 : A Grain of Salt I talk a lot about detachment from outcome in the context of life purpose and how I find myself integrating that lesson within my life. I think it's good that I was able to integrate this lesson well in the way that I've demystified life purpose so I'm seeing this as an unreachable thing that is put on a pedestal, nor am I trying to put all my fulfillment eggs in the career basket. I think it has also helped me to reconcile with how building a fulfilling life isn't always going to fun and how you're really doing the work for the sake of doing the work day by day. At the same time, I think part of me went to far in the other direction when I demystified my life purpose by detaching from outcome to where I lost a sense of passion along the way. And that is something that I want to rediscover and cultivate. I compared life purpose like dating and getting married in the other articles I linked within the article above. And yes, it's important to find something sustainable and something that is pratical instead of thinking with your loins when selecting a relationship or thinking with a fleeting interest when thinking about career matters and eventually, it's important that you settle one way or another. But that doesn't mean that passion isn't part of that equation. The detachment element is important so that you can mantain the stamina to keep going, but you do need to have something powering you that is deeper than that. November 8th 2023: Materialism Here I talk about how during the time I was writing this, I fulfilled a lot of my materialistic desires and I'm also dealing with the grief and existential crisis that came with viewing the genocide in Gaza on a regular basis for a month or so. I feel like the nihilism that I felt during the first few months of the genocide is this angry nihilism where I'm like *WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE? THE WORLD IS BURNING AROUND ME AND I'M DOING MY STUPID LITTLE TASKS.* While the anger since has subsided as I processed my grief, the underlying nihilism still remained. I did talk about burning through material karma at this point and how I'm mostly there and I feel like that rings even more true now that I was able to travel a little more and I got the surgery done. And burning through my material desires does then reveal the underlying sense of nihilism more. November 10th 2023: Cynicism and Desensitization I was writing this mostly in relation to the genocide in Gaza. At the same time, I feel like the same points I expressed in this point can be applied to a lot of things in this political environment. I think part of the reason why we have this cultural nihilism is that there has been a slow decay of our rights and our labor protections which numbed us out to where now that we're living in a time when things are crumbling around us, we're all in this pacified state. And it's really this feature of our brain trying to protect us so that we don't lose it and we can get the daily tasks we have done. I think my desire to understand this cultural nihilism and how it shows up in my life is my way of trying to unpack, understand, and confront the cynical and desensitized tendencies that have become a path of least resistance in this country. January 3rd 2024: 1 Year Working in my Corporate Job The fact that I felt dread during my 1 year at this job, andI also felt this way at the 2 year mark even more intensely (and I could argue that I'm feeling this way at the 2.5 year mark exactly) says a lot. I think part of the 1 year mark in relation to what I was feeling was the growing pains of adjusting to working life. But part of it is the cultural nihilism of how I don't have any semblance of passion in what I do 8 hours of the day. And I'm not saying that I need an uber exciting job with no boring days, but I'm saying that for me, there needs to at lease be a little somethin somethin to make me want to get out bed in the morning other than the threat of losing my income. January 7th 2024: The Dread I feel like much of this post had to do with my anxieties about becoming an adult and dealing with adult problems ranging from losing your parents / taking care of a loved one through their final chapers of life, dealing with polticial and economic turmoil, and delaing with financial issues which then impacts a lot of areas of satisfaction in your life in very fundamental ways. I still feel like I resonate with a lot of these anxieties, mainly the family related ones, but I also feel like I worked through a lot by healing my relaitonship to my finances and getting used to the type of money I am making (that can be its own post). I think the dread I felt around new years in 2024 was still there in 2025 for different reasons. I think a lot of the dread in 2024 was from the fact that it was an election year and that we're complicit in a genocide. The dread in 2025 has to do with still being in this genocide and now also having Trump as president which has been fun so far. Nevertheless, the way that this post relates to my feelings of nihilism is that I have worked through my financial panic to where I can detach from worrying as much about finances and stability to where I can prioritize fulfillment more. That's not to say that I'm going to settle for a job that might be fulfilling but doesn't pay the bills, or a similar impulsive decision, but it is to say that getting my financial anxieties under control has helped me focus my energy elsewhere. January 28th 2024: Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s-90s Edition I mainly talked about why the 70s-90s appealed to me personally but I also touch on a point on why media from the time period feels different compared to now via a video essay I linked. Essentially, the video essay was talking about how modern movies differ from post-modern movies, where the former is more optimistic and straightforward in building a narrative whlie the latter is filled with irony, nihilism, references on references which seek to desconstruct the narrative. I think the culture of nihilism has been cultivated by post-modernism and it's lead us to this *avoid being cringy and earnest at any cost* attitude. The video also talks about meta-modernity and how that combines the deconstruction of narrative and the sillyness of post-modernism with the sincerity of modernism. Meta-modernity is still being defined so it's still shakey but I think that feelings of nostalgia and the longing for it can sometimes relate to wanting to escape from this amorophous cultural nihilism that post modernism brings. February 12th 2024: Doomer, Bloomer, Gloomer In this post, I talked about how the gloomy disposition I had constrasts to the anti-capitalist doomer spirals I would go in when I was in college during the pandemic. I think this was me yet again hitting against the cultural nihilism while not knowing how to best articulate it. As a result, I just defaulted to memes lol. May 18th 2024: One Must Imagine Sisyphous Happy + May 30th 2024: May 2024 I remember that while I was writing both of these posts that I was in a place where the monotony of my corporate job was really getting to me. I was also unpacking a lot of limitting beliefs that I had about myself and my career during this time as well in order to figure out what I really wanted to do. I think the monotony does contribute to the feeling of cultural nihilism and the answer to it can lie in absurdism or existentialism. I feel like taking the idea of "one must imagine Sisyphous happy" and the notion that you should live life well rather than living a good life has been helping me deal with the cultural nihilism and combat it on a very personal level. I feel like the existential crisis I'm having right now regarding cultural nihilism and how to deal was also really taking sprout at this time whereas the previous posts were the seeds/water. June 22nd 2024: Feeling 17 Here I talk about what feeling 17 means and how I had that feeling for much of my early 20s but I don't anymore. I talked about how I had a naive sense of confidence where I thought I could do anything because I was socially aware, an academic weapon, and I was relatively self aware and often avoided the mistakes my peers were making because I was super into self development. As a result, I had a little bit of a grandiose sense of self at that age. But my view of the world was small and I was not exposed to the amount of talent and greatness there was in the world. And while I think it's a good thing that I have found beauty and humility in my very average life and that I am able to see the greatness in the mundane, I think I had an underlying feeling of nihilism while writing this without realizing it. Looking back at it, I can see where I had shades of nostalgia of a less nihilistic time which I described as back when I felt 17. I feel like in many ways I was more passionate and more quick to anger and act in the face of injustice when I was a teenager. I think both my college experience as well as my corporate job pacified me in some ways. Don't get me wrong, I do generally think it's good that I know how to choose my battles now and I'm not just reactive when someone says something I don't like and I also think that it's good that I'm much more tactful now that I'm older. But sometimes I think the tactfulness can come at the cost of something more raw and authentic. I also think that at 17, I was less aware of how things that are systemic can impact your personal life. Here is an excerpt from the post above: I think the chaos of the world can cause things to feel random and pointless which then gives way to nihilism and absurdism. It's our humanity trying to reconcile with the meaninglessness of the world around us and find ways to either construct meaning or find ways to cope with the meaninglessness. But I do think that allowing this feeling of meaninglessness morph into a feeling of powerlessness and apathy can be problematic and breed complacency. And I think while with age comes the wisdom to slow down and think things through, I think it's also beneficial to not lose touch of the sense that you can actually do something to make an impact which is something that I had when I was younger more so than right now. June 22 2024: Living in the 1999 Life in 2024 Zeigeist: Experiencing the Neoliberal Dream in Late Stage Capitalism I think this post definitely talks about the cultural nihilism without using that term directly. I feel like this is when it really started sprouting within me. June 24 2024: I Feel Stupid fo Wanting to Prioritize Platonic Connections I think isolation breeds the nihilism in me more because I tend to derive a lot of meaning and fulfillment through my friendships and relationships to others. I think me trying to adjust to socializing as an adult has been the most difficult part of adjusting to life after college and often it feels like it's getting harder as time goes on rather than easier because of the ways that society doesn't value friendship in the same way it does family, romantic relationships, and jobs. I do think this is a contributing factor to the plant of nihilism but it isn't the nihilism itself. It's like the fertilizer that helps the plant bloom. October 31 2024: Post Travel Blues: Anti-Capitalist Angst I wrote about how I'm not exactly happy about coming back from my trip to be working and being restricted in what I do for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I talk about how I don't like that feeling of not having free will and how I'm essentially having an existential crisis regarding capitalism since I took a step back and I got to a point where I fufilled a lot of my desires materially. I think the angst aside, I really do want to have more control over what I do in that I want to do something that I find meaningful on a regular basis. I think that feeling gets stronger the more I deal with my material karma and the more that I dust away the difficult feelings around the chaos I'm surrounded by politically to uncover the underlying root of the nihilism. November 29th 2024: Ambitions as an Anti-Capitalist I feel like much of this post relates to the disillusionment I have with the American dream and the blue print that many of us are given in this country when it comes to what it means to be ambitious and be an adult with responsibilities. I think nihilism and disillusionment can go hand in hand which is something I want to explore more going forward. December 15th 2024: A Simplier Time: I feel like looking back at this post, I'm noticing the pointlessness and the absolute excess of consumption culture in the U.S. Sometimes I wonder if things are genuinely worse now or if I'm at an age where I'm noticing it more. I think this post goes back to the point about how I'm noticing the nihilism more now that I'm in a place where I've materialistically fulfilled myself. As a result, I'm less likely to fall for the trap of compulsory consumption to numb myself out further. I think there are two layers of nihilism. The first is the general pointlessness of it all which is the crux of the cultural nihilism. The second layer is either people reacting the the nihilism by using things like shopping addictions and endless scrolling to cope or they're using these things to the point they become nihilistic in the way that those addictions pacify you through convenience. It's kind of a chicken or the egg situation. Are these addictions ways of coping with the nihilism or are they what cause it or exacerbate it? March 31st 2025: Depressive Hedonia I feel like the things I talk about in this post is just the different manifestations that I have observed around me regarding the broader cultural nihilism. April 18th: I Feel Like the World is Falling Apart This has been an interesting read as I have been exploring cultural nihilism. I think this goes hand in hand with with the disillusionment from the "Ambitions as an Anti-Capitalist" post that I wrote about. The bolded points are from the orginal post but the stuff I wrote after it has to do with the nihilism.

Nihilism Part 3: Comparing the Mindset of My Immigrant Parents to My Ennui I watched this video again and I had a lot of thoughts regarding the things I've heard growing up from my immigrant parents. For context, my mom grew up in India from 1966 to 1994 and my dad grew up in Bangladesh from 1958 to 1981. On top of that, my dad experienced a war and a genocide in his early teen years. Both of my parents immigrated to the U.S. in their 20s. I was born and raised in the U.S. I lived in Texas my whole life but growing up I would visit family in India every other year for about 2-3 months. The portion I really want to focus on from the video for the sake of this post is from 9:45 to 18:09. I pretty much quoted the entire thing and I inputted my thoughts as I went along in blue. I also highlighted specific words and phrases that stood out to me and I underlined broader concepts that resonated with ideas I grew up around.

Nihilism Part 2: Career Frustration I think taking time off to go to DC and the long weekend from Memorial Day has helped with my feelings of burn out. But I’m also dealing with the existential crisis that was triggered last week when I missed an email that said I needed to do a presentation. I made an honest mistake and a little one at that but it sucks the way that it’s a huge deal. I also think it triggered underlying feelings of being micromanaged and being nitpicked. I do think I can improve when it comes to being proactive and being professional but I also don’t have that motivation because I don’t care about this job AT ALL. I have never felt more of an urge to put in my two weeks or just impulsively walk out with no plan. I know that’s not a good idea but it’s in the back of my mind. Rather than trying to transcend my feelings of anger and regulate suppress them, I’ve tried to make it a point to hold on to it. Maybe it will propel me to take control over my life and cause me to rage apply. I also had a long conversation with one of my friends about how I don’t really have a fire in my soul per my birth chart (cuz we like to use astrology as a short hand for discussing personal qualities lol) and that causes things such as me lacking energy, lacking main character energy, lacking initiative, lacking impulsivity, and lacking in my anger responses. There is a good side to most of these things. I might be low energy but I’m also a relatively chill person who can find joy and fulfillment in the little, quieter things in life and I don’t have to be constantly stimulated. My lack of main character energy often manifests itself as me being humble and not making bad, plot worthy decisions. I’m not impulsively doing dumb shit. I’m not sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong and being obnoxious with my sense of initiative. Finally, my lack of anger responses allows me to think through things clearly and not jeopardize my relationships. Nevertheless, there are downsides which triggered this existential crisis. My low energy causes me to not work as hard or play as hard. My lack of main character energy leaves me feeling like I’m not engaged with life and that I cannot hype myself up and advocate for myself. My lack of initiative and impulsivity causes life and opportunities to pass me by. My lack of anger responses causes me to not take action in correcting what I feel is unjust and stops me from standing up for myself. Instead, I find myself crying in the corner, rotting in bed, and scrolling endlessly on social media. One of the biggest things I hate about myself is how my response to stress or someone coming at me crazy is flight/freeze instead of fight. Like lowkey, one of my regrets from high school is how I didn’t join the debate team, because maybe if I did, I would have some fucking balls. Anyways, so lately, since noticing the lack of fire in my life, I found myself thinking about all of the areas of my life this manifests in and how I kind of suck as a person. I feel like me zoning out in front of my phone plays a huge role in this, even if I watch things that are relatively better than slop. Like sure, it’s good that I’m still intellectually engaging with the world around me. But I’m not taking action and in that sense, I’m disconnected from life itself as it passes me by. This really started to sink in after watching the Vaush video I linked in the first Nihilism post but also after I watched the video below on literacy. Thankfully, I can understand the passages that the video talked about if I slowed down and read them, but it’s still concerning that it was any bit challenging. Here is my little running list of the ways that I suck as a person and am disconnected from life from being chronically online: I don’t have a lot of hobbies other than watching content, writing, and working out if I’m being brutally honest. I don’t have a sense of community or things I do to actively engage in community. I don’t have a sense of fire that propels me towards my career aspirations I’m not politically active in the causes I care about. Let’s be real, I mainly just repost things, cry in the corner, sit with existential dread, and then go to work as if nothing is happening. I don’t read books and I’m not really much better than an ipad baby. Basically, I’m not passionate because I lack hobbies, career aspirations, and I don’t care enough about causes to structure my whole life around advocating for them. As a symptom of being checked out of life, I don’t read and I have the attention span of an ipad baby and I don’t socially engage as much as I should. As a result of this revelation, I have wanted to quit my job so that it forces me to apply to a bunch of jobs and do something that utilizes my IR degree without wasting any more time at my bullshit corporate job. I want to also take time off so that I don’t feel scarcity around free time and so that I can travel around for a while. Because it’s been waaay harder for me to save up my vacation days than it has been for me to save my money. I know there are more sustainable ways of going about this but still. Then again, I do recognize that I’m not a lost cause. I do have some light behind my eyes and critical thinking skills and I think that separates me from the people who truly have a disdain for life, whether that be a twitter leftist who justifies their lack of life skill with every disability and systemic issue under the sun, or a neo nazi who wants everyone to die. Either way, I bet neither of them wash their asses. I’m sure the average person in both of these groups are not only in severe need of touching grass but also severely dependent on technology to fulfill their every need because they lack basic life skills. I’m also not a checked-out NPC who is just pacifying themselves with Temu treats and is completely unaware of the world around me. Basically, though I am disconnected from life, I don’t have a total disdain for it and there are a lot of reasons why I don’t suck. Here are some of them: I’m not numbing myself out with over consumption and mindless consumerism. I’m self-aware and I generally make responsible decisions. I got therapy to heal my childhood trauma and I got out of my toxic home environment. I’m a good friend and a good girlfriend. I tend to attract pretty genuine people in my life and I think that’s a good sign. I have decent character and morals. I reflect on those morals and stay true to them without being on autopilot. I’m not disassociated from the news and I don’t act as if politics do not matter and that allows me to be more empathetic. I’m a pretty intrinsically motivated person. It’s the quality that I like most in myself. I make an effort to educate myself especially in relation to social and cultural issues even if it is via audio books and video essays. I don’t blindly follow trends and turn off my critical thinking skills when engaging with media. I have good habits such as keeping my surroundings clean, having a decent sleep schedule, cooking my own food, tracking my finances, working out etc. I’m not just doordashing all of my meals and getting my groceries delivered. And I do think it’s important that I hold onto my anger and use it responsibly. I don’t think quitting my job with little notice will be a good idea because 1. I don’t want to risk having a huge gap on my resume, 2. I might need a good recommendation letter and references to get solid opportunities and 3. I need to hold on to this job in case I need to quickly leave the U.S due to rising tensions. Also, my job, as much as I don’t like it, has been very beneficial for me on a number of ways: Helped me get rid of my executive dysfunction I struggled with all throughout school and college. Gives me structure so I’m not just rotting in bed all the time. Helped me learn how to navigate professional environments. Gave me a sense of discipline to show up even when I do not feel like it. Gave me a sense of discipline to stick to something for a while. Gave me a sense of stability and calm after my chaotic college years so that I could figure out what I actually wanted to do with my life. Helped me pay for a couple of nice trips and my surgery. Helped me get my personal finances in order so that I have a solid foundation. I have thousands in savings, I max out my Roth IRA and I give a good portion of my salary to my retirement fund. I also have no debt. I got my apartment and learned how to manage money on an adult job. Exposed me to different kinds of people across different age groups. I stopped constantly comparing myself to my peers since I was no longer in a bubble of only being around people in the same life stage as me. Allowed me to live a soft life, even for a little while. Gave me a number of skills I can transfer to different industries. Caused me to not have a skinny legend of a resumé + gave me a promotion Gave me enough work life balance to have a social life and pour into my relationships. I get decent pay and benefits. I also work standard hours. So, what are my complaints about my job: I hate the expectation to always be busy. I hate being micromanaged. I hate the concept of sick days. I hate AI. I hate how I have to save up all of my PTO days and drive myself nuts in the process for my desired goals. I hate how I essentially have to give 24 months (2 years) of nearly nonstop work for a month back. I hate how I can’t be my authentic self at work because talking about politics is divisive and because I can’t have an existential crisis as a young person. I hate the subject matter of my job and I find it to be boring to the point where I dread getting promoted. I hate how the world is burning out there and I am doing dumb tasks that do not matter and I have to act as if nothing is going on. After writing this out and organizing this list, I can say that #1-4 is me hating on this job specifically. #5-7 is me hating on corporate America as a whole. And #7-9 is me having personal issues related to this job. What do I want: A work environment that prioritizes output over busy work and gives employees autonomy. Unlimited/ no sick days A gap between my current and future job so that I can chill the fuck out for a month or 3 A job in something that I care about and something that utilizes my skills, interests, and the social causes that matter to me Friends I can be myself around and that I hang out with often to nurture the connection and be each other villages. A passionate life, a sense of purpose, not just finding a couple people I click with but a broader sense of belonging.