soos_mite_ah

How This Forum Influences My View on Men I think this brief step back helped me gain some perspective on how this forum is probably affecting me in the long term. I think to get a better idea it would be a good idea to avoid looking at my notifications and any other threads other than the ones in the journaling section. Because the men on here really aint shit and it's been fucking me up mentally slowly but surely. So for the last month or so I've been around my friend's younger brother and his group of friends as well as some of the guy friends my friends are around as well as one of my friend's significant other. And while I'm not really close to any of these guys, they were just refreshing to be around because they weren't raging republicans, they weren't *Nice Guys*, they weren't wannabe pick up artists, and they weren't weird ass red pillers. They were just normies with a good amount of self awareness. And honestly, I feel like normies with self awareness have more awareness than the average guy on this forum. You don't have to be completely engulfed into spirituality and self improvement to be able to reflect and work on yourself. I know that sounds super obvious but I feel like I have to say it anyway since a lot of the guys on this forum have a tendency to be like *all normies are super unconscious and stupid* while puffing themselves up because they have built up a spiritual ego an god complex. I'm sorry if you made some changes in your life and you no longer resonate with some people in your life but that doesn't mean you go along generalizing the rest of humanity. Sometimes all it takes is a simple change of social circle and it doesn't even have to mean you have to go off into a hippie commune either. As for the Nice Guys, PUAs, and red pillers (I'm going to label this group as the ick because I don't want to keep typing this out), I feel like I have a really distorted perception of how many are there out in the real world. Because when I get on this forum, it feels like ick is everywhere. When I get out in the real world, particularly in my specific social circle, the ick is barely there. I know this forum tend to attract a lot of men with a variety of issues and a lot of PUA types because of Leo. I also know that my specific social circle tends to be pretty progressive and female centric so even when they are guys coming into our circle, I feel like there is a metaphorical fire wall of sorts that are just put up. Now, what are the implications of this? I do think that there are women in my social circle who have a more naive view of what kind of men are actually out there. They aren't so naive to where they don't know they should be careful or the prevalence of the dangerous situations women can get themselves into, but it's also not like they know the depths of the ick simply because they refuse to be around that type of thing (and rightfully so). Then there are guys on this forum. I feel like there are some guys on this forum who are so consumed with the Chad's, either because they hate Chad because they have the nice guy complex or because they want to be the Chad (and honestly, what even is a Chad? I don't think I have come across them at all. They just seem like a really limited archetype that no person actually completely fits. It reminds me of the whole NLOG thing when you compare yourself against the idea of other girls that doesn't actually exist). Sometimes I look at these threads and I'm just like *you know there are perfectly normal guys out there who aren't these alpha chads who have perfectly normal, fulfilling, happy lives with friends, and a significant other every now and then.* Like, you don't have to have these over the top lives with a million dollars, a 10 for a girlfriend, and that you don't have to be an emotionally distant asshole to women to have sex.... Y'all just reek emotional damage and bitterness and y'all need to get that sorted out with a professional instead of studying what a sigma male is on the internet. And speaking of the 1-10 rating system, again, I always knew it was bs but I feel like by constantly being on this website, it's been fucking with my body image as well as my ability to put myself out there because this website is just a cesspool of body insecurity without any amount of self awareness at times. Like I know so many beautiful "average" looking people who don't have issues with dating or relationships (casual or otherwise) but I feel like with the way that this forum tends to cling on to the 1-10 scale, it will have people believing that they are hopeless unless they look like the textbook definition of conventionally attractive. Sure these people aren't constantly in relationships and hooking up but honestly I think it's a good thing because they are comfortable being on their own and they are willing to trust their timing of their own lives instead of feeling the need to force a situation by approaching a 1000 different people. Then finally, the thing that is probably actually causing me trauma is how sleezy and weird the guys with the ick are. I feel like since coming here I have become more paranoid with guys but also in a way it feels like their behavior is normalized. I don't know how to best explain it but it's like there is a part of me that feels like if I were to go to a guy's house that I recently started dating, I would get paranoid of him getting pushy about getting physical and that I should accept this as normal because that's just how guys are and that I should've known better than to go back to his place because what else could that have possibly meant? There is no relationship without sex right? SMH. To be fair, I do think part of this does have to do with my own life experiences but at the same time, I have only a couple of weird experiences with guys being too pushy with me, none of which resulted in full on assault thank god. But I think a lot of it is coming from this forum because I haven't been this cynical or paranoid around guys before I joined this place. I feel like I'm surrounded by a lot of pushy, shady guys on here and as a result because of how I've been shut in because of the pandemic, there is a part of me that feels like I'm surrounded by the same kind of guys on the regular as well. Basically, the relationship advice on here is often trash and the average person who hasn't been exposed to this type of ideology has better perspective on relationships and how to go about creating them and building them.

A Brief Life Update Sooooo... I haven't been on here nor have I been writing lately. I don't have a particular reason or plan to take a break but it just kind of happened. Maybe it's the laziness. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed with other things. Maybe I just didn't feel like writing. Regardless, I think it was a much needed break. In the mean time I have been doing the following: Stressing over a job interview: I've been interviewing for an internship and I had a couple of meetings with my professor and the team I'm supposed to be working with. I had those meetings prior to Christmas and I had my interview on the 5th. It went well but at the same time since I haven't really heard back from them.... I'm getting nervous. I have people telling me to just be patient and that this will come through but I really don't like being in suspense like this. I'm probably going to send a follow up email tomorrow since by then it would have been a week since the interview. But yeah... I've been in this state of anxiety for the past couple days. Got my COVID booster shot: I got this on Friday and right after getting the shot, I felt this wave of exhaustion come over me and I got a mild headache. I fell asleep at 2pm that afternoon and then woke up at 9 the next day. I had plans on that Saturday to meet up with a couple of my friends and thank god I did because I'm pretty sure that staying in bed all day wouldn't help much. I felt a little sore, not so much to where it was painful but it just felt as if I did a workout the day before. Then, out of nowhere I got another wave of exhaustion so I dipped yearly. I got home at 6pm and then fell asleep again. I woke up at 1pm on Sunday and for the last couple days I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back on track. I felt tired and sore on Sunday but I wasn't exhausted nor did I have a headache. By the time Monday rolled around I was perfectly fine. Getting angry about COVID: I feel like everyone around me is getting the new variant and while it isn't as deadly, there are still long term effects of COVID. There's also the whole shortening the number of quarantining days as well. I think it's safe to say that everyone is over the pandemic and while that is understandable, COVID don't care if you're over it. It's still spreading all of the goddamn place and schools are getting shut down again because people aren't doing what they are supposed to fucking do. My school hasn't moved online but I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'm wary of how things are going to go down. But on the other hand, my school has been handling COVID well and I definitely don't want to stay home for another fucking semester since my parent's are driving me insane. Mourning the relationship with my parents: I don't remember exactly how much I have written about this but it is something that I have been dealing with since late November. I have made the decision that when I become financially independent that I will be cutting contact with my family. This isn't an easy decision and there is a lot of emotions that I have been sorting through in the process of dealing with this. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to approach this or what I'm going to say but I have about a year to figure that out. I started working out (sort of): So upon coming back home during winter break, I realized that I essentially felt like a blob of a person. I know this isn't much of a work out but I have been doing the Chloe Ting 2 week challenges and I have completed 2 of them. I don't think it's doing anything as far as weight and body composition goes for me but then again it's only been like a month since I started. I do see an improvement in my form while doing the exercises and I find myself having more energy and I don't feel like a blob of a person anymore so I'll take that. I know this isn't much but I think it's a step in the right direction and I feel good doing this. I've met up with my friends a few times: I feel like this was essential for me because not only do I need to get out of my household, I think just interacting with another person just makes me feel like more of an actual person. I find myself checking tf out a lot of the time when I am at home and it's rather draining. And just in general it gives me something to do during the week, something to look forward to, and it's been helpful to deepen some of the relationships I have established in this last few months. I also think that talking to people outside of this forum and just limiting the amount of time I spend on here and instead talking to people in my circle had been more helpful in me growing as a person. I've been dealing with my anxious tendencies in relationships: I'm honestly going to make a whole nother post on this. I reconnected with an old friend (sort of): I sent her a short message saying that I want to reconnect and meet up. She responded positively but turns out she caught COVID so it might be a few weeks (since she's trying to be careful). I hope she's feeling better soon and I have said my piece so at this point the ball is in her court and it's up to her to reach out when she's feeling better. I finished my application for studying abroad in Japan: Don't have much to expand on other than I hope this goes through this time.

Thoughts?

Sorry, I haven't been on here all that much and I forgot I made this thread Basically these are the main points: Personality can change depending on situational circumstance, period of life, mood etc. It isn't a static type A lot of the questions are phrased in a black and white, either or, kind of way which doesn't leave much room for nuance Putting people in boxes and categories are usually not the best for selecting jobs and partners. Self bias is a huge problem especially when self interest is involved when trying to get a job. The model wasn't even made by trained psychologists or formal training so there wasn't an adequate sample size or way to test these theories (this specifically pertains to the Myers Brigg) Personality can change the way that it expresses itself depending on context (i.e. being more extroverted around people you feel comfortable with or being more introverted around people who you aren't super close to) A lot of the results may seem super specific and personal when it's actually really vague and applied to many people. A lot of the characteristics are super flexible to many types There is a class bias especially when jobs are considered (taking a job because you have to vs taking a job that "fits" you or not having the choice to be spontaneous because you life style and class requires you to be super planned out) Narrowing yourself from jobs and dating can be needlessly exclusionary and can stunt your growth/ self awareness (i.e. I could never do xyz because I'm an INTP) Specifically when it comes to determining a culture fit for a company, personality tests like the MBTI can be easily gamed. She also does the test on camera while talking through the questions on how they can lack nuance. Also, my thing is that I know plenty of people who are all INTJs and INFJs and NONE of have similar personalities imo. A lot of personality tests and the MBTI specifically I feel measure such a small negligible part of a person's personality in a very specific circumstance.

Both of my parents were absolute messes when raising me. These results show both dots on top of each other but I would say irl my mom is much more anxious with dismissive tendencies while my dad is on the extreme end of being both anxious and dismissive avoidant. (but at the same time I wouldn't characterize either of them as with disorganized attachment tbh). As for the partner section, since I've never been in a relationship I used a relationship I have with a couple of really close friends. I'm guessing the black dot is me regardless of who I'm dealing with in that case? I know that a few years ago I was a mix between anxious attachment and dismissive/avoidant. In the last couple years I definitely leaned more towards the dismissive/avoidant. I would say that rn I'm mainly secure but in the last month or so I've been having these anxious spirals every now and then which I'm working on. The reason why I didn't score higher on the anxiety spectrum is because when I do catch myself on these spirals, I am pretty good at coping with them and I'm good at discerning the anxious thoughts and the reality of my relationships both through self reassurance and self soothing but as well as having conversations with others. I feel like when it comes to healing issues with attachment styles that this can take a while and that there are lots individual nuances that can come into play regarding the different relationship dynamics that were present in childhood.

I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes my mind goes to this really weird place where I start wishing I was more chaotic and exciting. Like idk, I feel like there are like 2 main types of highly neurotic people with fucked up childhoods. The first is the one who is very outwardly chaotic. I'm talking constant partier (to numb their issues), probably has a lot of casual sex/ situationships/ serial monogamy even though it's not coming from a healthy place (i.e. hyper sexuality, searching for validation, attachment issues etc), has other toxic/ chaotic friends, does drugs occasionally, etc. and is generally the crazy friend with interesting stories. The second is the one who is very internally chaotic. I'm referring to the people who are procrastinating on their work by being online, staying in bed all day, doesn't really have a lot of friends, pretty to themselves, and just doesn't have that much going on in their day to day life as far as excitement and drama goes since they simply don't have the energy to do much other than what is required to sustain themselves. I would say that I'm very much the later. I think it's great that I have good habits like working out, eating healthy, doing all of my work on time, not using substances to cope, being self aware in dating/romantic/sexual scenarios, and just generally maintaining my responsibilities. But at the same time there is this weird part of me that wishes I was the former, outwardly chaotic person. Because it's like, I'm here being the goody goody, straight laced one trying to deal with all of my issues responsibly in therapy when I could literally go on a fucking rampage. And I think this is something that I need to unpack. I guess it's because on the surface, going on a rampage and doing crazy shit looks like fun. Like you're definitely going to get some interesting ass stories to say the least. This is going to be a really weird way of putting it but I feel like being outwardly chaotic has this type of main character energy because lets be real, it's always the main character that be doing the stupidest shit and making the worst possible decision every time while having a tragic backstory because it gives the writers something to work with. And at the same time, people who are internally chaotic, they often fade to the background because odds are that they aren't as engaged with life to where there is an interesting plot line with twists and turns. And I know that a lot of these crazy behaviors look like fun on the surface but going on a rampage rarely leads anywhere good. Like a lot of these exciting things that outwardly crazy people are doing aren't making them happier (if anything it's the opposite). And then whenever I try to engage in similar behaviors, I guess my risk aversion kicks in to where I just can't do crazy shit. I don't really know how else to put it but it feels energetically incompatible???? I wrote a little bit about this in a previous post, albeit jokingly, but I feel like it articulates things pretty well. Also it's like, if I'm going to be depressed, anxious, and angsty, at least give me the chaotic energy for me to do something with it. Like, let me be an exciting chaotic person instead of a boring one. Being boring and chaotic isn't fun. I know being crazy and chaotic comes with a shit ton of stress that doubles down on the chaos but at least it looks interesting. Even typing that out felt a little weird because I know romanticizing chaos isn't a good look. There is also this tiktok that I watched a while back where the caption was along the lines of "when you study hard and decided to be the good kid growing up instead of being the one who have blow jobs under the bleachers but you're still broke and miserable" and the audio was I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE. And no, I don't literally want to be the kid who gave blow jobs under the bleachers in high school because I was asexual back then and asexual me wouldn't not have enjoyed that. But I guess it speaks as a metaphor of this feeling of putting in effort doing everything right and still not being where you want to be and you're just as miserable as everyone else. Because introspecting and working through your issues is really hard work that a lot of people aren't self aware enough to do and because the work is internal, often times you don't get that recognition or opportunity to flex. But at the same time, when you do put in all of this work and you're still as broke and miserable as the outwardly chaotic people (on the surface at least), it can sometimes feel like *so what's the point of me putting in all of this work on myself.* And this is where a lot of my impatience kicks in. I wrote about this in a previous post: I have talked about similar themes in this post with my therapist before. We were talking about lacking certain life experiences and I was explaining how that made me feel emotionally stunted in some ways in comparison to some of my peers because I felt like I wasn't doing enough and my therapist said this. "Even if you life isn't as exciting as some people and even if it doesn't exactly measure up to this narrative of having fun when you're young and living it up, you're putting in a lot of work in yourself at a young age and while it doesn't seem fun and exciting now and you feel like you aren't doing much, you're going to really look back and thank yourself." I think this and the whole impatience piece has to do with the whole instant gratification thing where it's going to be a minute until my good habits and my stable, consistent, and sometimes boring life will catch up to me in a positive way even if I'm still rather neurotic right now. And now that I think about this more, finally I think there is this part of me that felt as if I have the room to be young, crazy and stupid. I have written this in other posts: This goes along with letting yourself explore unhealthy fantasizes without acting on them but this dynamic gives me this sense of safety of *hey it's ok to be a little fucked up in the process of getting your life together.* Because I feel like especially as an Asian woman who doesn't have the same margin of error that a rich white woman would, its easy to be critical of yourself and disown the messier parts of yourself (there is also the whole model minority things as well so that doesn't help). I don't have the time, the energy, or the lee way of doing dumb shit like a lot of Lana's characters in her music do. But you know what, that's ok because there are enough bad decisions and terrible circumstances that are talked about in her music that makes up for the both of us lol. I also found a tiktok a couple months ago which was along the lines of "I'm into Lana del rey, not in a daddy issues, old hollywood way but in a *I'm the eldest daughter of immigrant parents who wishes they had the free spiritedness of the American psyche and who would be seen through the lens of the delicateness that white femininity is often seen through.* And I felt personally attacked to say the least. I think another facet of the *I SHOULD'VE BEEN A WHORE* feeling has to do with feeling like I don't have the margin of error to be young, crazy, stupid, and reckless. And not to be dramatic but sometimes I feel like the responsibility that was put on me as well as the responsibility I took on to sort out my shit early on has taken my youth in a certain way. I'm going to unpack that in a little bit in another post since I feel like this is getting a little long.

Some Videos I Really Like

The majority of the work you put in yourself is outside of the therapist's office. There are things you need to do in between sessions in order to actually see progress. They aren't going to do the work for you or walk the path for you but they will be a good guide that will make you question your biases to make sure you're staying on the right path. Freud and Jung aren't the only people who are impactful in the field of psychology. Not only that but on top of that, a lot of Freud's work as been critiqued and disproven by additional studies so he isn't exactly what a lot of people see as a credible source. People who study psychology have much more important and broader topics they need to cover instead of just studying the work of Freud an Jung. Also, I was about to type out a whole nother paragraph but someone already beat me to it lol. I agree with the below especially the stuff that is bolded.

@Gianna From what I remember is that if you have mild symptoms, they're usually supposed to go away within the first 2-3 months and if they don't that's when you need to switch to a different pill. For the birth control that I'm taking at the moment, for the first two months I had to deal with some nausea when the hormone dose would get higher around the week before my period. And that's the other thing, there are some birth control options where the dose/ composition of the hormones varies from week to week according to your cycle. As a result, most of the times when you do feel symptoms, it's not like you get the symptoms all the time for the entire month. I remember that one time when my roommate was first getting on birth control (no health issues, just using it as a contraceptive) she had to deal with a lot of depression and anxiety for a month straight on the first pill she got on. It was bad to the point she didn't want to wait for another two months to see if her body would adjust and she figured that the hormones in that particular birth control wasn't working well with her. She switched to a different pill and then she was more or less fine with no symptoms.

I really like this. I do find myself using language in this way where I tend to use adjectives like "natural" "in alignment" and "authentic" interchangeably but in some discussions there are certain nuances that needs to be emphasized to keep everyone on the same page if that makes sense. I guess my misconception came in where pro-natural can contradict with being attuned with your body. And I'm glad that you clarified this and expanded on your POV. I do think it's essential to think through the implications of putting in hormones into your body and that a lot of people tend to use birth control as the default answer when really, considering all of the side effects in can come with, making the decision isn't always as easy. I wouldn't say that it's the case that most people aren't connected to their bodies when it's pretty common that when most people first get on birth control, there is a trial-error period where basically you're supposed to see how exactly the hormones are impacting your body. And if the side effects are overwhelming or they don't go away, that's when it's important to switch to a different pill. Not all birth control pills are made with the same hormones and that is important since everyone's bodies react differently to different combinations of hormones. Of course there are people who react badly to all forms of birth control and I think that's when it's important to look into other options such as getting and IUD or the such. It's also incredibly important that there is more research and innovation for male birth control since women have so many options in this area while men just have condoms and vasectomies. Not only do men benefit from having more options that will suit their needs, but in this case women won't have to shoulder as much responsibility when it comes to preventing pregnancy.

I want to challenge an assumption right here. I think it's very common nowadays in many circles that revolve around wellness to assume that "natural" is the best way to go and that thing that are chemicals and artificial are automatically less than. While that can be true in many instances, I do think that this assumption can be limited. First of all, what is considered natural is something that have changed over decades. There was at one point where people thought grocery stores were artificial and unnatural and therefore bad because it is somehow disrupts the way people are naturally supposed to get food and that this will make us all into lazy slobs. Also it goes without saying that what is considered natural by governing bodies like the FDA and the such can change very easily over time. There are also plenty of natural things that are harmful as well. If you really want to get natural, natural is survival of the fittest. It isn't coming up with a cure for a disease, it's letting it run it's natural course and if it wipes everyone out than so be it. Natural can be incredibly brutal. What I'm trying to do here is challenge what is considered artificial, what is considered natural and how they can be both be conducive or harmful to survival rather than putting a value judgement on either term (i.e. artificial= bad natural = good). Now when it comes to the pill, again everyone's experience can be different so I'm not saying this is the only right way rather that we need to all find our right way for what works best for us. What's important is having options without judgement. I personally have had a really good experience with the pill. I do have a hormonal condition that has wrecked havoc on my body. The pill has been really effective for treating this condition and regulating my period as well. Now, I was able to resolve my condition naturally as well by following a strict diet and consistent exercise routine. But I would say that the key word here is strict. Unless I watch this condition and my health like a hawk, things could fall out of control really easily yet again. When I got on the pill, while it isn't something that would fix everything (I still have to maintain a healthy diet and habits in general), it did give me a margin of error of sorts to where I can occasionally have a nice meal that was out of the ordinary for me and not break out horribly the day after. For me, the pill has been an important regulator. For many women the pill isn't just about preventing pregnancy but it can be part of a solution for a variety of health issues. I do think that more invasive and "artificial" means should not be the go to since that can easily turn into taking the easy way out of a situation but I do think that there is a time and place for such a thing and that one can go about doing this safely I do like this and I think it's important to be aware of your body to understand what it does and doesn't need at different points in time and cultivate that sense of awareness. At the same time when it comes to this as well as the whole pull out method, I do think is a gamble and personally, it's not a gamble that I recommend especially when it concerns something as serious as potentially bringing in another life into existence.

I think there is an important factor that is missing here which is why they oppose such things. Disapproving casual sex because it is seen as dirty and sinful is different compared to disapproving casual sex because one prioritizes deeper, long term commitments. Accepting things for acceptance sake isn't always the best route imo. Sometimes having certain restrictions is about having boundaries and standards for oneself that is best for the long run.

Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking my Ableism- You Can't Have Bad Days I have been noticing lately that my inner voice of self hatred tends to have a lot of messages rooted in ableism. Some common statements that comes to mind when I am spiraling in the middle of the night is how I'm not interesting enough, how there is something inherently wrong with me, how I'm not worthy of love and connection, and how I have to perform a certain aspect of my personality because or else I'm not going to get the acceptance that I desire. If you've read the previous post, you can see how a lot of these sentiments come from the exclusion that neurodivergent people experience. I think something that really impacts me the most is the notion that there is something inherently wrong with me. Because something that is common with neurodivergent people who mask a lot, especially women since there is often more pressure for us to act a certain way to please others, is that even if you mask really well to the point where that performance is convincing, there is always something little that neurotypical people will pick up on and will exclude you based on that. And that can easily spiral into perfectionism and feeling like you can't ever be enough and that there needs to be something about you that needs to be fixed but you don't even know what that part is. And the worst part is that neurotypical people will rarely, if ever, will say this out right since neurotypical people tend to try to communicate things with subtext rather than overtly communicating what is wrong. There is also a good chance that they themselves won't be able to exactly pinpoint what's wrong because they aren't being hyper aware of these dynamics since they never had to study them and will write it off as *this person is a little weird* and that's it. They will just treat you differently and expect you to figure out what's wrong when really, by definition there are certain things you can't pick up in the first place as someone who thinks in a different way. This is something that my roommate has called me out on where basically I have a lot of internalized ableism in the way that I expect myself to be high performing mentally, emotionally, and socially at all times. And honestly, my college environment and my family doesn't do a good job in helping this either and adds even more pressure to perform. When it comes to my college environment, there is a lot of pressure to conform to a very cookie cutter version of upper class whiteness. Even if you are neurotypical, this environment and how conformist it can be is challenging if you don't fit this mold exactly. It's even worse if you are a minority in anyway or if you are neurodivergent. And if you aren't in the circle of Greek life, if you have more unconventional interests, or if you have additional commitments such as another job to support yourself, it can be difficult to integrate socially. That's not to say that it's impossible but it is very likely that you will face more social ostracism. Basically, it takes very little to have the label of "weird" to be slapped on to you. Then there is the whole thing on how competitive this school can be. While a lot of the problems academically for me personally has more to do with things like institutionalized racism, I think it also further indirectly reinforces some ableism that I already have internalized. Basically I noticed with how rigorous the work it that if I even have one week where for example I got sick, my mental health took a dip and I need to take more time for myself, or I have something go wrong in my life, that could fuck up my entire semester. Basically either my grades will take a dip or I will get behind on work which then will cause me to be playing catch up for the entire semester. I have learned to cope by always being roughly 2 weeks ahead in each of my classes so that I can have some wiggle room for when things do inevitably come up. But it has caused me to have more pressure on me where I feel like I have little margin of error. While that is on the academic side, I have also noticed this tendency creep up in my social life as well where I feel like if I'm not on all the time and if I can't maintain these tight rope like standards for myself and consistently show up for people on a super regular basis that I'm not going to have friends. Especially since I'm not active in Greek life and I have unconventional interests, I know that making friends in an environment where I don't have much in common with most of the student body, I have realized early on that making friends is going to be an uphill battle. I have to actively make time for people and stay committed to a variety of time commitments to have some type of circle since odds are I'm not going to immediately click with the people I share classes with or people I run into incidentally. I know that a lot of people talk about college being a time where it's super easy to make friends and how it's really convenient, but personally I haven't had that experience because of my personal circumstances. And even though there are something that aren't in my control (ie pandemics and other personal things that can come up due to my family issues), there is a part of me that is quick to internalize this notion of how there is something inherently wrong with me for not making friends easily as a way to grasp for control in a situation where I don't have much at all. And this internalization further feeds into this notion of *you're doing something wrong/ there's something wrong with you* or that *I need to somehow be fixed* or *I have to be on all the time and consistently or else if I'm not performing highly at all time socially that I'm not going to have friends since I'm already dealing with a small margin of error.* Basically there is a part of me that feels like if I have an off week that I'm basically going to be academically and socially screwed. Then there is my family. I have talked in the previous post where my roommate has gotten a lot of support in regulating and understanding their emotions as an autistic person from understanding family members. Well... I basically got the opposite treatment. I got little to no emotional support growing up and I was in a very emotionally negligent home environment. Not only is it difficult for me to be compassionate and more importantly, validating to myself when I do experience difficult emotions, but I have this limiting belief instilled into me that no one will love me or try to help me if I "act out in undesirable ways." That can range anywhere from expressing my sensitivities to communicating my anger, sadness or fears. Basically my parents only know how to express these emotions in an unhealthy way and because they never had a healthy expression ever modelled to them, even if you express your concerns in a healthy and constructive way, odds are they will start projecting, paint you as being crazy, gaslight you, and tell you that you're being toxic since you aren't happy all the time. This is already problematic regardless of whether you are neurotypical or not but it hits different when you are neurodivergent and you are constantly told how you need to act in a certain way and can only express certain emotions because or else no one will love or accept you. There have been times where I have caught myself tearing up after sharing something about myself or that I have told my roommate that I need the room to myself since I'm having a bad day and I need some time to myself to calm down a little. Afterwards, I have caught myself immediately apologizing for taking my emotions out on them. And there have been numerous times where my roommate had to reassure me by telling me that I'm not asking for too much, that expressing my negative emotions doesn't automatically mean I'm taking them out in an unhealthy way, that I'm communicating in a healthy way, and that I'm allowed to have bad days and if anything, expecting myself to be high performing all the time mentally, emotionally, and socially isn't realistic. Not only is it not realistic, but not everyone is harsh in the same way and a lot of people are willing to be understanding even if the experiences I've had in this school and with my parents say otherwise. And honestly, this is still something that I'm working on but it really helps when someone else reinforces these positive messages by keeping you accountable when it comes to unrealistic standards you might hold yourself to.

Autism and Neurodivergence: Neurodivergence =/= Mental Disorder and the Problems with Masking Ok so the last post I made turned out to be much longer than what I anticipated and turns out I have much more to say about this than what I originally thought. I have talked a lot on how autism isn't something that needs to be cured rather we need to support autistic people in a world that doesn't do a good job at accommodating them and educate people on how to better deal with people with autism in a just and fair way that doesn't dehumanize them. I also want to underscore that while things like autism and ADHD are disabilities since by definition it means you aren't going to be able to do somethings, that doesn't automatically mean that they are mental disorders. That's why I like the term neurodivergent. It means that you mind might function differently than the vast majority of people but that doesn't automatically mean that it's a disorder or that something is wrong with you. Again, think of it like being left handed. I have also talked at length about socialization and how that can cause vastly different outcomes when it comes to how autism manifests. And with that being said, I want to talk about my roommate and my experiences with them (they are nonbinary but they are AFAB). One of the things they have talked about with me regarding autism is how both their mom and their older sister also have autism. As a result, since they do have one parent who has the same condition, they were given a sense of patience and empathy and consequently was raised in a way that ensured that they had the coping skills needed to deal with autism and the things it can come with. That doesn't make them any less autistic though. In fact, they check off most of the symptoms of autism that are commonly present for women with autism. Rather they have a sense of awareness of what additional needs they might have due to their disability and how to communicate and go about getting those needs met in a healthy way. From what I've gathered anyway, the way they were raised implies that their condition wasn't something that was shamed rather their parents had to double down in teaching them and their sister emotional regulation and awareness and teach these skills in a way that was more gentle and more patient than you would with a neurotypical child. Though there is some issues with miscommunication that I have encountered with my roommate, for the most part those issues were easily dealt with and it's rare for me to feel like I'm not getting a sense of empathy from them. I also feel like I learned a lot on neurodivergence after talking to my roommate. While I highly doubt that I'm autistic, I do have ADHD and for the longest time until recently, I thought that mainly impacted my ability to work and do school work and occasionally it would dip into my social life because of the way that I tend to talk. One of the big things I learned was how neurodivergence really seeps into so many facets of socializing. As a result, intentionally and unintentionally, a lot of neurodivergent people resort to masking which is when they try to copy neurotypicals to be more like them to avoid the stigmas that are associated with their condition. There is a lot of subtle things that goes into masking and I found myself resonating with a lot of them and suddenly a lot of things started to make more sense. For the longest time growing up I got the message from my parents and my peers that there is something wrong with me. I did get picked on quite a bit when I was in elementary school and by the time I got to middle school and high school, I became really careful on how I interacted with other people to avoid bullying. I avoided conflict effectively but even though I was considered fairly well liked and I generally got along with most people, there was something off about me, something that prevented me from getting close to a lot of people and that prevented me from being seen cool and socially accepted (superficial I know but this becomes more relevant later on) and as a result I thought there was something wrong with me socially. I was always labeled as "the weird kid" which I coped with finding other similar weirdos to hang out with. Well turns out a lot of neurodivergent women have the exact same experience. I don't know to what extent this is true but aparently 8-10 year old neurotypical girls are usually really good at detecting when another child is neurodivergent. They certainly won't come out and say it because I mean... what 10 year old is well versed in things like autism and ADHD, especially if they have never experienced it. But it usually presents itself in those girls picking on other kids, bullying them for their mannerisms, excluding them, and giving them the silent treatment because those girls see neurodivergent kids as weird. This causes neurodivergent kids, especially girls, to start masking really early on and internalize this notion of "there is something inherently wrong with me." Of course there is nothing inherently wrong with those kids rather there is a lack of education on how to deal with these issues. This lack of education can become incredibly problematic when the teachers themselves aren't well versed on how to handle these types of situations with bullying. Something that is apparently really common and that often goes into part of training for teachers is that when situations like these arise, there is this notion that if you place the rowdy kid next to the quieter, usually neurodivergent kid, that the rowdy kid will be influenced by the quieter, more studious kid and they will calm down. When in reality, from my personal experience as the quiet neurodivergent kid that was often paired up with the more rambunctious kids, it didn't do anything but open me up to more torment and additional annoyances from people who basically hated me. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that often times even the ways that the adults try to deal with these issues with bullying and mistreatment for neurodivergent kids often results in the issues getting worse. Going back to this whole notion that there is something inherently wrong with me, that is a limiting belief that I have been trying to unpack for a good minute. I always knew that this notion came from a lot of the bullying in school as well as the abuse I got from my parents growing up but this whole lens of neurodivergence adds an additional layer of understanding to this limiting belief. And it got me thinking, exactly how much do I mask and how much of the way I interact with people is part of a performance for the sake of acceptance? I know I went through a whole phase on trying to be this social butterfly when I simply wasn't and how I didn't have the best measures for what it means to be socially competent due to misconceptions in society. As a result, I know how to present this very well crafted, confident, funny and charismatic version of myself to the point where it feels very natural for me. And I'm not saying that this version of myself isn't authentic rather sometimes I feel like I tend to cling on to this more socially acceptable version of myself while disowning things that might make me look off in the eyes of a lot of people. I mean, I have been masking for years, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that I'm pretty good at it at this point. Apparently when it comes to masking, while one of the symptoms of things like autism and ADHD is that you don't always pick up on social cues right away, there is also something counterintuitive on how these individuals can also become more aware about different social dynamics compared to neurotypical people. Basically, a lot of neurodivergent people get the message early on that they awkward and that there is something wrong with them and as a way to cope to get their social needs met, they can become hyper aware of their mannerisms and the mannerisms of others, and then try to mimic the norm to appear like everyone else. Not only that, they can become very socially aware and well educated on social issues because they tend to see these issues in a more big picture way since they are often looking for patterns. And a lot of these skills come from the initial desire to start masking. The main issue with masking is that it often causes neurodivergent individuals to exert a lot of extra emotional labor in their day to day functioning and often prevents them from being and accepting their authentic selves. It further reinforces this idea that there is something wrong with them. And again, being neurodivergent by definition doesn't imply that there is something inherently wrong with you rather it simply means that you are a little different in the way your head is wired. It isn't the same as having a mental disorder. Excessive masking can also lead to a lot of self hatred as well and constantly feeling like you need to act in a very specific way to be considered good enough to be worthy of love and connection. That's something that I want to unpack in another post since this post is getting rather long. If grasping this is a little difficult, I think it can be helpful in seeing this as it parallels with racism. Often times POC get othered out especially when they are in predominantly white environments. As a result, often times they start code switching and doing different behaviors to look like they are assimilating (similar to how neurodivergent people have to mask to be accepted). There is also a sense of double consciousness where they are aware of their own thoughts and emotions, but they also need to be very aware of the thoughts and emotions of other white people when it come to how they are perceived so that they aren't put into harms way (similar to how neurodivergent people often become very socially aware and observant). Finally, in the worst case scenarios, POC tend to internalize racism and begin hating themselves for not being able to fit in and they assume that there is something inherently wrong with them much like neurodivergent people do when they are excessively masking. In these circumstances, it isn't ok for people to tell POC that they need to be more like white people and you certainly won't advocate for less POC to be born or find a way to "cure" them. Instead, you give them the tools to handle these situations effectively while making moves to educate other people to create more inclusive environments and social structures. The same needs to be done for neurodivergent people.

Autism and Neurodivergence: Unpacking Stereotypes Around Autism So recently, I've been getting a lot of videos in my TikTok feed about autism and neurodivergence. I also have a roommate in college who also has autism. As a result I have been finding myself getting a lot of information about this and part of me even sees myself in some of the symptoms. While I'm pretty sure that I don't have autism, I do know that I have ADHD and the symptoms of autism and ADHD do tend to overlap. I also know that there are parts of the forum that does discuss things like autism and ADHD as symptoms of heavy metal toxicity, poor diet, and an excuse for bad social skills (i.e. men are just more autistic than women and that's why socializing doesn't come as easy as it does with women). And basically, I just want to unpack all of this. I just want to start off by saying that autism effects everyone very differently. There is a range between having high support needs and having lower support needs as well as difference across genders as well. Women and people who are socialized as women (i.e. trans people and nonbinary people) tend to have things like autism and ADHD manifest differently than someone who has the same conditions and is a man or has been socialized as a man. I do understand that I have a limited perspective as I am a woman and a lot of the autistic people in my life are also women or socialized as women. First off, I want to discuss my own misconceptions of autism as well as the stereotypes I have been exposed to prior to being more educated on this. The general narrative that I have been exposed to is how autism is a horrific disease that ruins people's lives and it's very difficult to be a functioning person with autism. The two tropes I can think of in the media. First is the nonverbal autistic person who is extremely dependent on their care takers and basically acts like a child. A good example of this trope is the Sia's movie Music where you have a nonverbal autistic girl who finds solace through music. The other trope is the super brilliant but really awkward and sucks at regulating emotions autistic which is portrayed in The Good Doctor where the main character is this young super genius surgeon who gets triggered quite easily. While there are autistic people who can see themselves in these tropes, the vast majority of those with autism from what I can gather often feel very limited and stereotyped into these roles. Even in Sia's movie, the actor who was acting in the lead role as the autistic person had multiple breakdowns on set because she felt as if she was mocking the autistic community in the film. These tropes can translate into other people telling autistic people things like "oh, but you don't look autistic" or worse, treating them like children with little to no agency or critical thinking skills. There is a really good video on the analysis of Sia's movie by an autistic person who discusses how the movie is harmful to the community. And a lot of these misconceptions and stereotypes are further propagated through Autism Speaks which is basically a hate group. In a nut shell, this group wants to eradicate autism or make it so that people can detect autism in their children before they are born so they can abort those kids. That's basically eugenics. While I have no issue with abortion, if you are going to abort a kid just because they have autism or a disability, that is ableism and eugenics. This group also doesn't have any autistic people in places of authority so that autistic people can make choices for themselves, they don't do anything to educate the general public as to what autism is other than running a bunch of fear mongering ads, and there is very little money that goes to autistic people. There is also a really creepy ad of a woman talking about wanting to murder her autistic daughter WHILE THE DAUGHTER IS IN THE ROOM and how she didn't kill her daughter by driving off a bridge because she had a "normal" daughter in the car with her. There is a reason as to why I put the word normal in quote above. Firstly, that was the word was used in the ad when the lady was describing her neurotypical daughter but secondly, the word normal only makes sense given a certain context. Neurodivergent people aren't any less normal than a neurotypical person. There isn't anything inherently wrong with them, they just function in a different way and often see things from a different perspective. It isn't something that needs to be cured. Neurodivergent people are allowed to exist with their idiosyncrasies and all. They often just need additional coping mechanisms to cope with a world that wasn't built for them. It's similar to being left handed. Being left handed often comes with a lot of inconveniences because the world is mainly built for right handed people. But that doesn't mean those who are left handed are somehow broken or that there is something wrong with them. They just need extra help in some instances. And that's the problem with groups like autism speaks, they seek to erase an entire group of people because they are perceived as deficient and undesirable rather than helping that group of people function in society. Then there is the whole thing with women with autism. Autism is often stereotyped as something that happens to boys only. As a result, women and those who are socialized as women often go misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all for years which causes them to go years without any form of treatment. Not only that, a lot of the diagnostic criteria don't take sex differences in socialization into consideration. Because of that, women and those who are socialized as women (I'm just going to start saying AFAB- assigned female at birth for the sake of conciseness and AMAB- assigned male at birth) also go undiagnosed because the way autism manifests in them is different compared to the way that it manifests in men. For example, a lot of the antisocial aspects of autism often doesn't apply to AFAB people. That's because people who are socialized as women, regardless of whether or not they are autistic, are often taught the importance of empathizing with people and the importance of human connection. The same cannot be said for men regardless of whether or not they are autistic. There is also the whole trope in masculinity of the self sufficient lone wolf that is propagated which often causes men to not reach out when they need help and not talk about their emotions which then further stunts their emotional development. This developmental gap is further widened when talking about men with autism. It's also often the case where AFAB tend to seek out other people who are neurodivergent and then they all tend to be friends with one another because they can relate to one another and find acceptance in their communities. A lot of neurodivergent women, myself included since I have ADHD, tend to find their own group of weirdos to hang out with. This is also the reason why I think it's so important to discuss socialization when it comes to differences between men and women in general. Especially when it comes to things like autism, while it is the same disorder across the board biologically, it can manifest very differently depending on upbringing and the way society treats you. Which is why it bothers me when a lot of people in this forum describe weird, incelly behaviors as "autistic." Having autism doesn't make you a creep. Sure it can make you a little oblivious to some social cues, but more often than not it isn't going to cause people to completely lack empathy and context clues surrounding a situation. Again, granted that a lot of the autistic people I know are women, a lot of them can still know what actions are considered creepy and what makes people uncomfortable regarding consent. Like basically as far as social awkwardness is considered, from what I have observed with autistic people is that sometimes it can take them a minute or they are a little more anxious than the average person, but they are still capable of forming human connections whether it is platonic or romantic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that a lot of the "autistic" behaviors that is described on this forum isn't due to autism or being on the spectrum rather it is due to being socialized as a man and not taking the point of view of a woman seriously from a cognitive or empathetic standpoint. And speaking about the forum, I remember about a month ago I was having a conversation in the pm with another user about the whole How to Get Laid series and I brought up the whole thing on autism in that conversation which I think would be beneficial to add to this post. This is my own comment so it's not like I'm copy and pasting something someone said to me in private on my journal:

I beg to differ. I'm sorry that you had a terrible experience with birth control and side effects are certainly not uncommon. But just because you aren't getting the side effects, that doesn't mean that you aren't attuned to your body. Different people have different hormonal balances and for some birth control is incredibly important and beneficial. I don't mean to attack you in any way with this comment. I just don't think it's helpful to many people to have a wide sweeping generalization that could deter them away from a solution that is viable for them.

I really like this. It sums things up quite nicely. It also reminds me of how some green people reacted during the Texas snowstorms in February 2021. I remember seeing a lot of social media posts from some leftist talking about how Texas deserved those snowstorms because of the way they voted and how they deserve it because they are stupid since their infrastructure isn't up to the par to deal with these conditions due to the overly individualistic nature of how things are run. There were also a lot of leftists (particularly southern leftists) that were calling those people out who were saying those things about Texas. The whole thing was about how this attitude is basically ecofascism and that it's still important to care about people even if you don't agree with them. This talking point also called attention to how things like red lining, gerrymandering, and lack of funding in education contributes to certain voting outcomes in a systemic level and how shaming people because of this is also a form of classism because it's essentially poking fun at people with lower education levels and lower income levels. Finally, there was also talk on how some people on the left are there because they have this whole world view of winners and losers and how that robs them of the compassion they would otherwise have for people who live in red states. Generally speaking, though I might be incredibly biased, but I feel like a lot of leftists in the south tend to be better integrated because we are often brought up in conservative environments or at the very least have to deal with a lot of conservatives/liberals. A lot of us know why conservatives and liberals draw the conclusions they draw due to the environment they are in and how we need to deal with these people accordingly to get through to them. Not only that, but we often have to come to our own conclusions with leftism since odds are that there aren't many people around us who think in similar ways, therefore it's not like we get indoctrinated with green ideals and skip over the other stages. I feel like a lot of leftist who live on the coasts sometimes do exude a form of liberal elitism where they are essentially like *look at how much more educated and tolerant we are. we aren't backwards like those southerners.*

I agree with this. I feel like stage green (myself included at times) has a tendency to dehumanize people who might not know better. Don't get me wrong, having strong boundaries is necessary but degradation and dehumanization isn't necessary to do that. You can still correct someone and stand up for yourself without personally attacking people. If anything, that is more effective in most cases.

Experiential and Factual Truth This is something that I've been thinking about lately as I've been trying to get into the habit of validating my thoughts and emotions even if they look delusional in the surface and as I've been trying to empathize with people who I don't agree with. The way I would characterize experiential and factual truth is the following: Experiential truth is truth from personal experience and emotions. It's the type of emotions you get from direct experience and how you interpret your direct experience. Factual truth is the truth you arrive at from things like research, analysis, and contemplation. Both experiential truth and factual truth are parts of Truth and while they can contradict one another at times, they still represent a certain aspect of the truth. I'm going to first start with how this relates to my personal experience. I'm the type of person whose head and heart often times conflict with one another. It's very easy for me to grasp something in my brain but it does take a minute for my heart to emotionally catch up and integrate lessons and experiences. I know better but often times that isn't enough for me to feel better. For example, when it comes to my body image issues, I know much of my limiting beliefs don't have much of a logical basis. A lot of it is rooted in things like classism and internalized racism. Beauty is something that is very relative and it doesn't make much sense to base your worth and confidence on it. That is the factual truth of the situation. At the same time, from direct experience, I have had situations in my life that created and reinforced this limiting belief. It makes sense why I feel this way and why I beat myself up. My self hatred on a certain level is valid and it doesn't make sense to invalidate it and pretend that it doesn't exist or that it makes me crazy or irrational. Here, the experiential truth of "the way I look impacts how I'm treated and how beautiful I seem" and the factual truth of "beauty is a social construct and treating it like an absolute is what is causing problems" conflict with one another. I argue that it's important to accept both the experiential and factual truth because they are essentially two different aspects of truth. When we deny experiential truth, in the micro we are invalidating our direct experiences and gaslighting ourselves on some level. There is a degree of emotional invalidation which at best can delay a healing process and at worse shut down the healing process because the party with their experiential truth feels unseen and unsupported, thus leading them to shut down. I have noticed this in conversations I sometimes have with my conservative peers in college. The way I often try to approach these conversations is that I try to make sure they feel heard and respected when they are expressing their point of view. I try not to invalidate their experience and directly say they are wrong in an accusatory tone rather I simply explain my pov and my experience. I try to meet their experiential truth with my experiential truth to address any misconceptions or biases they may have so we can both arrive at the factual truth that is backed up by things like facts and research. I don't immediately rush to bark statistics and facts at them because then people tend to shut down. Depending on how receptive they are to this way of dealing with the conversation then determines how I continue this conversation. If I catch them getting super defensive in this situation, that's when I still try to maintain a firm but still respectful tone on my side of things and I contemplate on things like setting boundaries with this person depending on my relationship with them. Most of the time, however, things remain respectful and we both get things out the conversation. When we deny factual truth in favor of only validating people's experiential truth, that's when people fall into the trap of validating harmful behaviors and attitudes with no boundaries. Imo, there is a parameter of truth that needs to be established so that things don't spiral. Falsehood is a part of Truth (I will get to that later) but we need to recognize that as a part instead of getting consumed in it. That's were factual truth comes in. I found myself coming to this conclusion when studying the religious conflict that is present in the Indian subcontinent. I'll refrain from getting too detailed on this conflict because I feel like that will make me go off topic but the over all gist is that the conflicts have caused a lot of people to be extremely traumatized and there are very deep biases in every side. A lot of scholars find this conflict difficult to do research on because of the lack of unbiased sources. Basically, my experience is that it's important to hear out people's experiential truth, even if some of it doesn't align with the facts of the situation. Their emotions and attitudes, though they may carry biases, are still part of the truth of the situation. But if you get too consumed with each of the narratives it can be very easy to lose track of the bare facts of the situation. That's where factual truth comes in, it keeps one accountable and level headed. Politically speaking, it also stops you from having the neutrality bias that a lot of centrists can fall into where they make false equivalencies with different perspectives. If we go back to the example that I used about my body image issues, it's important for me to accept and validate my feelings of insecurity. But what doesn't help is when this sense of acceptance turns in wallowing and spiraling. That's where the factual truth comes in handy in keeping me accountable. I have noticed that for me personally, I tend to get overly fixated on the factual truth of a situation and neglect the experiential side to where I can tend to be too harsh with myself and not take a gentle, more effective approach. I also think this can be applied to the whole incel problem as well. There is truth in their experiences, much of which has to do with how unhealthy mainstream versions masculinity have unhealthy notions of sexuality which then can lead men to spiral into self hatred. I can empathize with a lot of their frustrations with feeling defective in some way without declaring the feeling of defectiveness as some type of factual absolute. Yes, it's perfectly valid that you feel like trash because of the way society puts sex on a pedestal but at the same time, playing victim and coming up with these pseudo-theories about chads to further entrench yourself in this pain isn't helping anyone. I think Dr. K from HealthygGamerGG does a good job on validating the experiential truth of a lot of incels while still calling into attention the biases that take incels away from factual truth. Granted the guy has professional training in dealing with these kinds of issues but I do think that this way of approaching people you don't agree with is a very important skill to have, especially in very polarizing times. I think it's important to see people as people first rather than viewing them as opponents first. Because not much gets done when both parties come at each other with their butt cheeks clenched looking for a fight. And I don't blame people getting defensive in these circumstances because it takes a lot of work to get to a point where you can have certain conversations without getting super triggered because it's hitting at a nerve or trauma. I don't want to shame these people at all and I myself do fall into that camp. Sometimes we just aren't ready and that is ok.

I feel like the reductionist class paradigm has more in common with stage blue communism in Russia. There is a quote that I remember reading a while back that really stuck to me. It's along the line of "intersectionality without anti-capitalism is just liberal identity politics and anti-capitalism without intersectionality is class reductionism." To me, liberal identity politics is orange/green while class reductionism is blue. I feel like like the classic case of how ideological class reductionism can be and how it's more blue than green can be seen by tankies. But then again, I'm not super well versed in the spiral dynamics of class reductionism.

I have so many thoughts to catch up on lol

I felt like I need a sticky note for this journal. I haven't been journalling as frequently as I normally do both in this journal as well as in my main journal and I want to keep myself accountable since I have a lot of things I want to write about.

Lessons from Platonic Relationships: When He Treats You as the Stranger You Are I have seen a lot of dumb shit on the dating section of this forum. One of those dumb things is the whole thing about "putting on a player frame." Like sir, do you mean take situations in a regular place and not turn into a desperate clingy creep? It's the same as when people on this forum use the term "social calibration" as if being a person is some kind of rocket science. The overall thing that I think guys need to take from the whole concept of "putting on a player frame" is how you shouldn't do boyfriend level shit when you aren't committed to someone and when you barely know them since that can look manipulative and set up a not so healthy dynamic. I would honestly give women the same advice as well because when you get invested waaay too quickly before having a conversation with the other person, the consequences can range from being in a one sided relationship or codependent with someone where you don't feel appreciated all the way to falling into the claws of a narcissist. I don't know how many of the guys on this forum knows (or cares about this) but there is this thing that a lot of narcissists do which is called love bombing. That's basically when you do really romantic gestures early on to get the other party hooked on to you like crack and dependent on validation and then you start playing games with them so that they get addicted to the highs and lows you provide. It's a recipe for an abusive dynamic and I feel like a lot of women are aware of this to where they want to run away when yall are going too fast. Like.... you don't even know me like that, why tf are you getting me flowers before the first date and sending me long ass messages on how much you care about me??? I think the reason why I want to call this "treating someone like the stranger they are" instead of "setting up a player frame" is because I think the later tries to swing the pendulum from being emotionally clingy all the way to being emotionally unavailable to the point of potentially being disrespectful. I think it can also breed a lot of cringy behaviors as well. I've been on dates where guys have asked me personal questions about my sex life and then they went ahead to detail their previous hook ups or their body count. I get what they are trying to do. They are trying to make the conversation sexual so that it can lead to something while trying to puff themselves up by talking about how experienced they are. They look so corny and insecure when they do that and while I'm comfortable with opening up about sex and what I like sexually, I don't want to discuss that shit with a total fucking stranger who is trying to look like a player. And I will tell you this, when I text my friends about these awkward ass conversations, we're really just staring at the group chat like: When it comes to treating someone like the stranger they are, to me that basically means not being clingy (i.e. not coming up with super romantic gestures early on, having a life so you're not overly fixated on me, etc.) but also being pretty respectful (i.e. not trying to be this player if you aren't, being on time to dates, planning things together etc.). And because you two are strangers, ideally there is that detachment from outcome so you aren't out here trying to push some type of Nice Guy™ agenda or play some kind of stupid ass game. And i stg, it isn't that hard to decipher whether or not someone has honest intentions with you especially as you get older. And being this calculated often looks even weirder and creepier than if you were to let yourself be you authentically weird and awkward self. Overall, when a guy treats me like the stranger I am, I consider this a green flag. Not only does this tell me that this person isn't clingy or a psychopath but it also tells me that this person is self sufficient emotionally on his own, has a life, and is willing to take the relationship in a reasonable pace whether that relationship is something as serious as looking for a long term commitment or something casual like a fwb. And speaking on fwb, I have friends who have looked for casual relationships and I have been told from their accounts that it's pretty nice to have a first date where the person tries to get to know you as idk AN ACTUAL FUCKING PERSON before jumping into bed with them. Not only does this build a sense of chemistry that would be helpful in having a more satisfying hookup but I stg there is nothing that turns a woman off more than just a guy trying to rush and force his way into something instead of letting something naturally develop. I think this also translates into hookups as well where a lot of guys are so desperate to get their dicks wet to the point where they don't even take the time to turn the woman on and ensure that she's also having a good time. Anyway rant aside, don't rush into things. It isn't a good look.

Relational Trauma I think after talking about the goals I have for the year and how I feel about desire and experience that I'm in a good place to talk about this topic since I have some degree of personal groundwork covered for myself. After coming back to college, I had a roommate who I feel I'm really growing as a person with . This person is so gentle with me and validates my emotions, and is really supportive. Not only that but they keep me accountable and call me out on my limiting beliefs, not in a confrontational way where they are like "hey you're doing xyz wrong stop that" but more so in a "hey i know what you're going through is really rough and it makes sense that you think this way but you aren't xyz." And honestly, even typing the last sentence out made me tear up a little bit. I was in an emotionally negligent environment and while I have dealt with these issues before, given all of the things I went through during the pandemic and my health issues at the time, when you add emotional unavailability from your parents, I feel like you unlock a whole nother level of trauma. There is also a tiktok account that I found a while back which is called somymomsatherapist. She is I believe a professional marriage and family therapist who talks about dealing with relational trauma and discusses dating advice that comes from a limited place. She has lots of good advice but something that really stuck with me is how there is only so much you can heal in isolation. Yes, it can be beneficial to be single for a while when you are dealing with some issues like codependency, but when something is categorized as relational trauma, you need to rework your behavior patterns in a dynamic with another person and work at that like you would do a muscle. In other words, if you have been in a toxic relationship, it's important for you to get into healthy dynamics so that the patterns you got from the toxic relationship can be broken. You essentially have to recondition yourself. I think this roommate I have is helping me in this reconditioning process. I think people need to be careful in this type of thing and not go out seeking to find people to "fix you" rather it's more along the lines of finding healthy and uplifting people and keeping them in your life. It's also about opening yourself up to more positive experiences instead of feeling like you need to be in hermit mode until you get your life together. I wrote a little more about this a while back in my previous journal: This ties in with the post I did on desire and experience where I do have these limiting beliefs in myself and much of it is because of a lack of positive life experiences. It makes sense as to why I have the thoughts that I have, that's what my life experience up until now has informed me with. It's a reasonable conclusion for my lizard brain to make even though my conscious mind knows otherwise. And I think the last part is especially important because that means that the situation isn't so bad to where I'm a bottomless pit of needing validation and I can't identify red flags in people. I think if that were the case, maybe withdrawing a little and working on a solid foundation for myself to get that sense of clarity and discernment would be more appropriate. But as someone who already has that foundation, I think further going into hermit mode is doing a disservice for me because I'm withholding the positive experiences I need to heal the negative beliefs that are lodged into my lizard brain. Dealing with Platonic Undesirability Speaking of which, there is something that I have been grappling with lately. I have been wanting to reach out to my old high school friends a lot in the last couple months. I drifted apart from them like 4 years ago during my senior year of high school and a lot of it had to do with me naturally drifting apart from them and needing to go off an work on myself. I feel really intimidated by the idea of reaching out to them especially since I was the first to walk away and because I don't feel like I have my life together 100%. Also, this whole working on myself and getting my life together thing has been taking MUCH longer than expected especially since the pandemic has caused me to acquire a new flavor of crazy which kind of brought me back to square one after I figured out a lot of shit. I have all of these thoughts on how this might be too late to reach out or if they think I'm reaching out because I haven't had that much luck in developing a social circle in college and they are my last resort (I mean they aren't, even if this doesn't go well I still have other people to lean on). Also, the whole me not having a solid social circle has been something that has been giving me a lot of pain on and off for the last few years and a lot of it started with me leaving this friend group. But again, what if this is me withholding the positive experiences I need to heal? What if this is just another place where I carry this limiting belief that I need to have 100% of my shit together to deserve human connection? I talked about this whole situation with my high school friends with my roommate and that really helped me process this whole situation emotionally. I think that if I have this conversation with my old friends that at the very least I'll get a sense of closure that can help me further heal from this whole thing even if I don't end up reconnecting with them and becoming friends like we used to be. Dealing with Professional Undesirability I have found an improvement in my issues regarding imposter syndrome after reaching out to some people, talking through these things, and getting more accurate information as well as more resources from them. I also think that this semester going well has been important to me because I think there is a part of my lizard brain that's like *oh I guess we can school after all.* While I don't think these things have cured my imposter syndrome, I do think that these were important stepping stones in the right direction. I'm also applying to internships and study abroad opportunities at this moment. I have a meeting with a professor who is running and creating this internship program. I think he is an important connection to have and a really valuable mentor even if I decide not to go into his field (he taught my HR class in college, was a pretty cool guy). I've also had a couple of interviews for internships and even though they haven't gone through according to plan, it was pretty reassuring to know that employers do see some inkling of capability from my experiences. There is a part of me however that really wants to study abroad. I'm applying to the same program that got cancelled during the pandemic. I know I was really looking forward to that trip during my entire time in college so it getting cancelled was difficult for me. I think travelling to Japan would be really important for me as far as things like gaining a sense of independence and getting out of the U.S. goes. And lord knows I need a little bit of that because this pandemic has left me feeling like I'm an angsty 17 year old by the way this has caused my parents to basically keep me under house arrest. I think it's also important in helping me build that sense of confidence and capability as well. Finally, considering the fact that I'm likely going to graduate this time next year, it would be really helpful if I got a couple classes out of the way and this is also my last call as far as studying abroad over the summer goes. Dealing with Dating Undesirability and Issues with Body Image I think a couple of really important things for me to do here is setting some boundaries as well as changing my environment. First with boundary setting. I don't think it's healthy for me to be in the dating section of this forum or to look at certain threads. I noticed that whenever I avoid those parts of the forum that I tend to deal with my body image issues better. The whole rating women on a scale of 1-10 thing has been especially getting to me lately because I know that a lot of the scale has to deal with things like racism and classism. And considering the fact that I'm in a college filled with rich skinny white girls where a very narrow standard of beauty gets enforced, the whole rating women thing has been hitting harder than usual. I have noticed that when I'm back in my home town, or really anywhere except campus and the surrounding area, that my tendency to compare and self deprecate is much lower. I think that's a whole nother thing to unpack in another post but I do know that things like location and environment can greatly shape a person's dating experiences. I have written about this in a previous post in another journal: I think over all I need to get out more and go to places where I have things in common with people. I think it makes sense why it's hard to see myself in a romantically and sexually desirable light because that's been my experiences so far. But that doesn't mean I can't have more experiences that contradicts those previous experiences. I think I just need a change of scenery, not only geographically and socially but also in the way that I tend to live my life. I go into more detail on the post I linked above.

The cons/side effects can vary from person to person but generally speaking even if a person has side effects with one pill, they can switch to a different pill and that takes care of the issues most of the time. For some, including myself, the pill can actually be beneficial for things beyond preventing pregnancy. People who have hormonal conditions such as PCOS and endometriosis often find that birth control can regulate their condition. Though, because everyone's body is different, sometimes the pill can make it 10x worse.