soos_mite_ah

A Brief Life Update Featuring **Mild Depression** I know that I haven't been writing a lot lately and much of it has to do with my work load as well as this form of mild depression that I'm experiencing that is basically due to a nice cocktail of issues. I'm mainly writing this down because even though I don't have much inspiration for a substantive post, I'm still itching to write something and I want to process a bunch of random things that's been happeining in my life since there is a part of me that feels like I'm in a dissassociative state of sorts. I got around to watching Encanto: Honestly, this movie is amazing. It explains the dynamics of generational trauma and dysfunctional families really well and I walked away from that movie reevaluating my life. There is no definitive villian in the movie other than traumatic experiences and I loved how basically each family member's powers alluded to the messed up roles they play. I feel like I could do a whole nother post on me relating to each of the characters tbh. It was such a good movie. I got an internship for the semester: In my last life update I wrote about how I was stressing about the whole interview process. Welp... a couple weeks ago I got a call back and I just finished my first week there. I didn't really do much since the first day was me meeting with people who I'm going to be working with and the second and third day were basically cancelled because of the big winter storm that came through Dallas (I'm working on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and I have all of my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, with the exception of one, to accomodate for me having a job). Not sure how this will go because while I'm not picking up on any red flags, there are a few yellow flags that I have encountered sooooo how chaotic this well be is undecided. I do like that I get to work with multiple departments and projects that could help me narrow down what I want to do after graduation so that's my main objective going in. And if this doesn't work out.... welll.... at least my resume won't look like a skinny legend. I've been dealing with a disordered relationship with food: I am working through a lot of limitting beliefs around my health and food after visiting a couple of nutty doctors and after spending a month with my mom hyper analyzing my body, my eating habits, and my exercise habits. Those things triggered the fuck out of me and I've been trying to deal with that for the last 3 weeks or so. I'm so lucky to have a supportative roommate who is willing to help me talk through things with them and is willing to check up on me. That has been so fucking helpful and I cannot be more grateful for them. Dealing with nutty doctors: I almost overdosed on high dose iron pills that my oncologist overprescribed (I got refered to an oncologist for my iron deficiency it's a little weird I know). That definitely fucked up my blood work and when I brought it up to my primary care physician, he was like *oh know guess I forgot to note down you were on this prescription my bad. I guess things make more sense now.* The fact that he didn't notice this until I pointed it out and started getting weird symptoms is concerning to say the least but at least he told me to get off these pills. I'm going to get some more blood work done in a few weeks so I can actually figure out wtf is going on with my body. But yeah.... it's been a trip.... Made time to hang out with friends: I caught up with some of the friends I made last semester and its been going well. I'm proud of myself for maintaining these relationships and I found myself some good people to be around. It makes me feel more like a person tbh. Right at this moment I don't feel like putting myself out there all that much because of the mild depression but I'm sure it's going to pass. I'm currently living next to a trap house: this might be a whole post of it's own. But these people are really annoying and I hope they learn to stfu. I don't care what they are doing behind those doors just for fucks sake don't scream at 2 am in the morning on a weeknight for the love of god. My roommate and I celebrated lunar new years: We made sushi rolls and shrimp from scratch and then watched a couple movies together. We planned this out a couple weeks in advance, saved up, and then bought the stuff a couple days before. We also bought a bunch of snacks from the Asian market and I tried a lot of new foods, all of which I loved. It was just an all around good time and I'm looking forward to cooking with them not only because they are an amazing cook but because I really like their company. I've been getting ahead of my classes: I'm taking more classes than last semester and I'm working which is why I tried to get ahead espeically upon finding out that I got the internship I mentioned above. I've been rather stressed because of that and I've been spending a lot of long hours just doing that. I've been taking the last couple days to just rest so I don't end up burning myself out. It's a lot but I'm managaing. But yeah, the first week was me figuring out my schedules and trying to get my books in soon so that I don't fall behing and then the second week and half of this week was me getting ahead of things. It's been pretty exhausting. I'm awaiting to hear back from the study abroad people: I'm hoping to study abroad in Japan so I can knock out a couple of classes and so I can get out of the U.S. for a hot minute. I know there is a pandemic happening but I feel like I'm going insane at this point and I feel like I really need to branch out because of that and because I really want to have this be a part of my whole experience in college. This is something that is really important for me. I started weightlifting and going to the gym again: My roommate is doing this weight lifting class and they really need someone to keep them accountable. Lucky for them, I too need someone to keep me accountable when it comes to going to the gym. I went to the gym yesterday with my roommate just so we can see where we were at as a starting point. That was really fun and I will admit was a pleasant surprise since I haven't lost any strength in tha last 2 years and if anything am stronger now. I am really proud of the fact that I can do 200lbs on the leg press and 110lbs on the standing calf raise machine. The later was especially an ego boost because right after I finished, there was a gym bro that started using the machine and this man walked up to that machine looking really cocky. He didn't adjust the weight or anything so he was doing the same weight I was doing and this man ended up red in the face (guess the guy kept skipping leg day). And so from now on I'm going to use that as motivation in the gym. I strive to be that person who looks like they can't do much but will intimidate the fuck out of anyone who manages to see or try what I'm doing for a workout. Mild depression: I think this has to do with a combination of the following: mourning my college experience because I didn't have the happiest experience in the last few years mourning my family relationships since I'm in the process of cutting things off dealing with my body insecurities (and just insecurities in general) as well as a messed up relationship with food being burnt out mentally from dealling with school and running around with little time to breathe or have time for myself being burnt out emotionally from living with my parents during Christmas break and last but not least, just good ol' seasonal depression But basically, I haven't been feeling like myself lately and as a result I haven't been in a super sociable mood to where I feel comfortable with meeting with new people and I haven't been creative to where I felt as if I could make a lot of posts. I have been feeling like a more watered down version of myself for the last 3 weeks or so. I feel like I'm in a somewhat dissassociated state of sorts and I really have to stick to my meditation habit to stay presant. It's been a little frustrating but at the very least I feel like I can still function. I'm maintaing relationships with people and staying relatively social. I'm keeping up with school with no issues with staying up to date with assignments. I'm keeping up with my health physically. And finally I'm going all of the self care things I need to do to keep myself in check. I definitely don't feel like I'm spiraling but I do feel myself flat lining a bit and having an existential crisis about what it is I'm doing with my life and where tf I'm going to be at the end of the year. I do see this as a passing thing but doing this much emotional labor on a regular basis does feel exhausting at times. I feel myself really wanting this breath of fresh air emotionally speaking. I really just want a break tbh.

I think this dynamic is also important to take into consideration when trying to separate attraction from manipulation. Because there are some people who try to use the distance-pursuer dynamic to artificially hook someone in. And while there are some people who try to separate attraction skills and relationship skills, I think it's important to be more critical of "attraction strategies" since it can create a shaky foundation for any dynamic, casual or otherwise, depending on who you end up attracting.

Thoughts?

We typically find joy and comfort in things not in things that are good for us but rather things that we find familiar. So even though a toxic dynamic maybe detrimental, to some people, because that is what is normalized to them, that is what they find themselves gravitating towards because on some level it feels safe. They also tend to be drawn to people who are the same way. There is nothing wrong with challenging yourself to grow into a better version of yourself and to experience life, but there is a healthy and unhealthy way of going about it. Learning new skills and opening up to new experiences are great. But seeking out drama and negative emotions because you're used to solving problems due to always being on survival mode is far from functional. And to dysfunctional, chaotic people, things like happiness, contentment, peace, or just a healthy stable lifestyle seems boring to them because that isn't what they are used to.

1. Going to therapy: it helps to have someone who has a 3rd person pov on your life and who is analyzing you professionally to call out your biases and shortsightedness 2. Journaling: There are times where I ruminate on things but then when I put it on paper there is a part of me that sees it and thinks "wtaf am I thinking?" 3. Educating myself on a variety of points of view: Devilry can often occur when we aren't taking the pov's of other parties involved and acting from a point of self interest instead. Staying educated can help you get out of your perspective and therefore get out of your self interest even if it is momentarily. 4. Having a group of friends who will call you out on your bs and where you are fucking up: Accountability and knowledge of consequences helps a lot. 5. Being vigilant of your own thoughts and biases: Easier said than done but a lot of it comes down to mindfulness and introspection, especially when it comes to goals, motivations, world views/limiting beliefs and habits.

Blog To Do's This is a very short term list in the sense that I don't think that this will take longer than a couple months at most to complete. I'm just breaking this down to smaller chunks so it's less overwhelming and I can actually get something done. ACTUALLY MAKE THE WEBSITE Get the domain name Figure out the lay out Design the thing and add a little bit of ***spice*** Figure out how to work the damn thing since I have never made a website before and idk wtf I'm doing Edit my posts and figure out what I want to post Plan out when I'm going to post Figure out what my boundaries are regarding what and how I post (ethical concerns) Keep writing consistently Figure out monetization and views (think of this much later [as in2-3 months after making this thing], first worry about getting it up and running)

Taking Stock and Tying Up Loose Ends I thought I'd revisit a lot of my old To Do Lists to see how much I have crossed off and if I crossed off something prematurely to where the issue in question came back again. I decided to do this because normally, I don't cross out everything before I think I need to move on and make a new list so I can continue working on other things without getting nitpicky or hyper fixated on perfectionistic tendencies. As a result, sometimes somethings don't get crossed off or they get mixed into things that I have already dealt with. So this is me revisiting things in order to take stock and tie up loose ends. Common Themes (in order to most to least distressing): Lining up a job after graduation/ supporting yourself/ moving after college: I feel like this is a normal stressor for someone in my position who is going to be done with college this year and is dealing with uncertainty. The pandemic doesn't help but it is what it is. Still AAAHHHHHH!!! Imposter Syndrome: This is a whole can of worms and a lot of it has to do with how my college experience was pretty trash. I think I need more positive experiences and a change of environment while actively working through my limiting beliefs and finding a supportive community. Lack of Romantic/ Sexual Relationships: I mean this area of my life is rather underdeveloped but the main reason I try not to focus too much on it is because I noticed that when I do, it's not very constructive. Honestly, I think I just need to be patient and not force things. It will happen when it happens. My coping mechanisms: The ones I'm referring to aren't necessarily unhealthy but are kind of weird and a symptom/ by product of the shit I went through over the past 2 ish years. Sometimes I look at myself and think about how I encountered a new flavor of crazy through all of this. ***I originally did a post where I copied an pasted all of my previous posts but that post was waaayyy to cluttered. I instead made a word document to organize my thoughts for my purposes since even though it is a mess it makes sense to me. But I still wanted to include something in this journal so here is this post

Plan out time for your homework and readings and don't skip anything just because you think it isn't worth that many points. Keep your efforts consistent instead of grinding and wearing yourself out one week and the next week you completely slack off. Take notes before class by reading ahead of time (depending on your major you should probably already be doing that). Then, when you're in class, you know what questions you have and you won't have to pay attention in class as hard because you already retained most of the information by yourself. Still note down anything that comes up in class that wasn't in the readings. Take care of your health by having a consistent sleep schedule and not getting hungover every weekend. Stay up to date on vaccines and don't get yourself sick if you can avoid it. The sleep schedule thing is especially important if you have morning classes. Don't sleep in class lol. If you know you're the type of person who is prone to physical and mental illness, try to stay 2 weeks ahead of schedule when it comes to readings and assignments so that if something comes up, you won't be falling behind and stressed and you can just focus on feeling better. Have a couple friends you can talk to about school or at the very least some acquaintances in your class you exchange numbers with so that if you have any questions on any assignment or questions for preparing for an exam, you have someone to talk to. I think studies have also shown that doing things in a group in college can help with your grades and for a sense of social support. Talk to your professors during their office hours if you are having any issues with the course, whether it's because you're not understanding something in class, you had something come up in your personal life that might affect your performance, or on future career prospects. If you have that open communication with them, they can better help you with the course and if you find that you're on the edge with a B+ but you aren't at an A, your professors are more likely to bump you up like half a point because they know you're putting in the effort. Also, when you're studying, aim to actually understand the material instead of memorizing things. Use memorization as a last resort if you know you won't be tested on some material in future classes. Because when you understand something and integrate it into your world view, not only do you sharpen your critical thinking skills, but you also have a good foundation to go off of when your future classes build on the same concepts. Memorization on the other hand will have you start back at square 1 in many times unless you're consistently doing it which is a lot of work with not much pay off. I know damn well that after that final is over that you aren't going to keep refreshing concepts to keep your memory so aim for understanding instead.

according to this I would probably be considered a centrist. I don't think that's accurate for me politically at all lol. Also, people make memes with the political compass all the time lmaoo

I do think it's good to try to make the most of this time and utilize it as an opportunity for growth. And I think in the long run that this will benefit society as a whole. I think collectively that the whole Great Resignation is a perfect example of this because the lockdowns helped people reflect and realize that their jobs aren't fulfilling and aren't treating them right. However, while we can use these difficult circumstances to grow, I think it's also important to acknowledge the pain and the loss we have gone through. I feel that sometimes people try to look at terrible situations and turn it on the bright side as a way of coping which is fine but also it isn't the right move for everyone as it can lead to things like toxic positivity and spiritual bypassing. For me when it comes to feeling like I have "wasted time" (this is for me personally, it may or may not resonate with everyone) I think about how I had to move back in with my parents and how that has greatly limited my independence and put me back in a very unhealthy situation and likely stunted my growth as a result. I think about how I didn't get the opportunity to travel like I hoped to in my early 20s. I think about a lot of the missed social opportunities ranging from meeting new people and having social gatherings. I think about the lack of peace of mind I got for the last 2 years and how I couldn't make decisions or plans ahead of time because everything was so volatile. And finally, I think of the ways that this pandemic has forced me to grow up before my time and how I didn't get the opportunity to have fun and be a carefree young person. Of course I can do all of these things and more in the years to come so there is no time that has been wasted so to say so that is pretty reassuring but when it comes to a global crisis that has been dragging on with little end in sight, it does take a toll on you. It isn't the same as deciding for yourself to go into hermit mode and work on yourself. I do agree that you can grow quite a bit from contemplating and reflecting internally. At the same time, experiencing life externally and not being stuck in your house for 2 years is also a huge factor in growth especially when it comes to learning how to move and interact in the world as an adult when you are in your formative years. Dude.... travelling during a pandemic isn't a flex. I feel that what I'm trying to say is being strawmanned. Yes you can take care of yourself and not age like a moldy tuna sandwich left out in the rain but it's still important to have realistic standards and not pit yourself beside celebrities who have a whole team making sure they look a certain way. Aging is normal, there isn't anything wrong with it, and it isn't something to be feared. Honestly, maybe this is my shit ability to be able to tell people's ages but a lot of people look the same between 18 to 30 ish. Looks wise, the difference between a person at 23 and the same person at 19 is miniscule unless something really drastic happens. Let's look at what you'll look like in another 20+ years and then we'll talk lol.

@Karmadhi It's literally a part of their jobs to go through all of that for better and for worse. The average person who has a job and additional responsibilities with a regular salary isn't going to have the time or the money to be working out 2+ hours a day with a personal trainer and nutritionist and spending money on botox. Sure you can do a lot by adopting a healthy lifestyle and using sunscreen, but things like genetics and a regular life still have to be taken into account. I'd be careful with should statements. Things like isolation and just this pandemic in general affects people differently depending on a variety of factors. It isn't unrealistic for a lot of people to feel like they missed out on a lot of aspects of life even if they did make a lot of progress else where. Or in a lot of cases, not having a well rounded life can cause a person to be more neurotic and as a result less productive. That's especially the case if one hasn't found that thing to pour their efforts into to produce their best work and are still in the exploratory phase in a career, passion, relationships etc. like most young people are.

Also with the pandemic, girl you know I feel you on this. I feel like just in general, younger people in their formative years from 15-25ish really feel the hit harder because those are the years when you really grow, put yourself out there in the world, and just figure a lot of shit out. Like developmentally speaking, there is a huge difference between 18 to 20/21. So while this pandemic has only been 2 ish years, it feels much bigger for younger people because from what I've heard from a lot of older people is that at some point you start to settle into your life more for better and for worse. Better in the sense that you get more of a sense of stability, you already know who you are, and that a couple years here and there don't really matter. But that can also be worse because that can also easily breed stagnation as well. And I don't have a good solution to this. Something that really messes with me is how missing out on these two years probably fucked with me developmentally when it comes to me having my whole coming of age, main character moment. Some of the ways that I've tried to cope with this is building healthy relationships, keeping track of the ways that I have grown as a person, and trying to build life experiences in the form of long term goals and projects since I can't exactly go out and seek out those experiences. Also, giving yourself space to mourn and grieve this is crucial because it's perfectly natural and understandable that all of this sucks and it feels like you really missed out on these often times really pivotal times of your life. I feel like saying oMg You'RE sO yoUNg, yOu hAvE sO muCH liFE aheAD OF yoU means well but ultimately, especially when the pandemic is concerned, doesn't really alleviate the pain or validate where you are in this process. Sometimes you just need to sit with those emotions, let them run their course, and see the validtity and the sanity of feeling this way. And while coping is important to keep yourself going, you don't want to shove all of your emotions down and not validate them or process them because that will manifest in not so pleasant ways later on. As for putting yourself back out there, I think that can depend on vaccinations, booster shots, how COVID is impacting your area, and any other family members and health issues that may be present. I personally wouldn't recommend rushing out for the sake of not wanting to deal with this anymore just yet because even you do catch a minor case of COVID, you can still deal with health complications in the long term. And we don't even know the extent of this either so there's that. Again, I don't know what your situation is like and how COVID is impacting your area but it's important to weigh these pros and cons because the pandemic isn't going to stop just because we're tired of dealing with this.

Honestly, I call bs on this. There are so many aspects in society from the beauty industry, the media, friends, and family that try to reinforce this idea that a woman's life is limited and if she doesn't settle down when she's young that she's basically hopeless. And a lot of it is rooted in misogynistic narratives that thinks that we all turn into Prince Phillip once we hit 30. I also think that being in this kind of scarcity, fear based mindset that pressures you into finding a partner as soon as possible delays finding actual loving and healthy relationships. For example, for simplicity's sake, lets say that in the timing of your own life the universe has it written down that you're going to meet that ideal partner a year from now. Lets say that you're anxious, lonely, and impatient so you decide today to get into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable kitchen sponge of a person you didn't care much for in the first place, you end up spending 3 years in that relationship, and then in the 4th year you take time for yourself to process and heal from said relationship. Next thing you know, instead of having that healthy, fulfilling relationship come to you in a year, you delayed that timing by an additional 4 years. What I'm trying to say is that by rushing into something or dating around a lot because of a bunch of time pressures doesn't help the process. As hard and uncomfortable delaying gratification is, it does pay off in the long run. Sometimes, as woo woo as it may seem, you need to trust the timing of your life instead of forcing things that aren't meant to be. That's not to say that you do nothing with your time until that day comes, it's important to work on yourself and keep yourself open, but it's to say that gripping onto a reality you want so bad to manifest doesn't make the time pass any quicker. There isn't going to be a magical age where you have a bunch of good options. Growing up you probably had a bunch of guys who were too immature for a relationship and thought that fart jokes were the epitome of humor. Now, you have a bunch of guys who don't want to get into a relationship because they're interested in fucking around or you have older guys being creepy and trying to manipulate you. So yeah, you might have more options but that doesn't always mean you have good options. And then I'm sure when we're in our 30s and up, there will be guys who have come out of a divorce or two and have learned nothing in the process. There isn't going to be a magical age where you get these beautiful romantic experiences. You're always going to have to filter through guys and find ones that actually like you and will treat you right. But the good part about there not being a magical age is that there is no set time when these experiences can happen. It can happen in your late 20s, 30s, 40s etc. It doesn't have to be now and it certainly doesn't have to be as long as waiting til your 50s and 60s. And I think limiting ourselves in this way time wise not only makes us neurotically impatient to where we can't enjoy the now but it also undermines all of the life we have left to live in the future. Basically, it robs us of both the present and the future. So yeah, I recommend looking into some of the limiting beliefs you may have and find ways to be gentle with yourself. I know telling a person to be patient in the face of wanting to experience relationships so bad doesn't help much (I'm currently dealing with that now) but something that I had a friend say to me has really helped me regarding this. And that is that it's okay that you aren't experiencing everything right at this moment because that just means you have something to look forward to. I also think that a lot of people fall into this trap of trying to fit a whole lifetime just in their 20s because of the way society tends to fetishize youth and it really doesn't help anyone. This video honestly has helped me so much regarding roadblocks I have encountered with relationships, travel, and work as well and I think it would be worth looking into especially in the part between 3-9:30

Media Consumption Analysis: Self Development Channels Earlier in 2021 I decided to take a break from self help content and I think it has paid off a lot. I developed a healthier relationship with self help, was able to branch out more in my interests, and not get into this cycle of constantly fixing things about myself. I think it also helped me develop relationships with people because I feel like often times when you get so caught up in self help, there is a part that can sometimes consciously or subconsciously develop that is like *I'm so developed, I'm more developed than most of the people here, it's lonely at the top* or that is like *look at all of the unconscious masses, they are so superficial.* And yes, while it is true that odds are you are more aware than some people and that there are indeed superficial people out there, there are also plenty of people who are interested in growing as people and having good conversations about what is going on in their lives even if they aren't immersed in self help or spirituality. And sometimes, you need to just give yourself some distance from the self help/ spirituality content and let yourself just be a person. A lot of Ana Psychology's content coincides with her research and studies as a psychology doctoral candidate. I really appreciate how she breaks down multiple studies and adds nuance to common presumptions especially in things like dating so there aren't a bunch of hard and fast rules and so that the audience goes out to handle each situation as it's own rather than applying wide sweeping generalizations. I feel like I don't have to expand on HealthyGamerGG's content but yeah I really enjoy Dr. K's content. I found that Dani Foxx's content was crucial for me to get out of the spiritual ego I built for myself and heal/grow in a more sustainable pace. As for Actualized.org and Teal Swan, I have to admit that during this year I didn't delve into their content like I usually do. I did this intentionally because I needed to develop a healthier relationship with self development. I think this space helped me realize how the channels were and weren't serving me. I find myself in a gap in the content, especially when it comes to Leo's content, because it's like conceptually and from a self development point of view, I find myself already have integrated (I'm using the term integrated pretty loosely here to mean I have a good grasp on the theory and can apply it to a certain extent) a lot of the things he and Teal Swan talks about and much of it feels repetitive. That's not so say that Leo's content or Teal Swan's is repetitive rather it's to say that a lot of the concepts do overlap on one another and intersect other topics. But then there is this gap that forms where there is a large chunk of the content that feels repetitive and like I've already integrated it while there is a sizeable chunk of the content that I don't find myself anywhere near ready to integrate. This mainly has to do with Leo but personally, I'm not ready for a lot of the lessons on nonduality and psychedelics and I don't think I'm in a healthy enough place to implement those teachings in a healthy way instead of misinterpreting them. Like I've been saying, it's important to pace yourself on this journey.

Media Consumption Analysis: Commentary Channels / Video Essays I decided to get into more commentary channels and video essays because that's where my interests lie and I often feel more informed after watching these videos. I remember that this time last year I had that whole issue with disconnecting from my identity to where I wasn't replenishing myself by delving into my hobbies and interests because I got so caught up in my spiritual ego and as a result was trying to transcend everything. So the way I decided to cope with that is to rediscover a lot of the things I found interesting and just let myself enjoys shit again. I think this was really important for my relationship with spirituality so that it manifests in a healthier way. Because personally I believe that if you do spirituality in a sustainable way and in a sustainable pace, its' supposed to make you more human rather than have you try to transcend you own humanity. I found Alice Cappelles content when this video on critiquing self help popped up. I was really intrigued by her take and then proceeded to binge on her videos because she had interesting point of view as someone who fell down the constant self improvement rabbit hole. I really like both amandamaryanna's and shansphere's content and how I basically feel like I leave their videos with more media literacy IQ points than when I first clicked on the video. I find all of the social commentary and critiques really insightful as well and again, I feel like I leave with more IQ points on social awareness after watching their content. When I first found Brooey Deschannel's channel, I instantly found myself binging her content. While I'm not super into film and I haven't watch most of the movies and shows she talks about, I do really love the way that she breaks them down and finds things that are incredibly insightful from and intersectional and anticapitalist lens. I especially loved her video on sex work and how it's portrayed (also, just in general, it's fair to say that most of the creators I will be talking about in these series of post are leftists lol). Then there is Tiffany Ferg and Jordan Theresa with their internet/media analysis. I remember mentioning them in my last media consumption analysis and you know what, they make another appearance here as well. Then I have a bunch of leftist content creators who don't post super often but when they do I eat that shit up and I rewatch their videos because I can just feel my EQ points and critical thinking skills shoot up. Truly, makes me feel like I'm in my big brain energy, Contrapoints', Salari's, and Innuendo Studies's content honestly feels like a treat whenever I find out that they posted something.

Media Consumption Analysis 2021: Life Experience Content? I know it's 2022 but I have been reflecting on the type of media that I consume and I was meaning on doing this post for a hot minute, then I forgot about it, and next thing I know the new year rolled around and here we are. The reason why I put this with a question mark is because I don't know how else to really describe this type of content other than it mainly just revolves around people living their lives and reflecting on it. Most of these people are those who are in their early to mid 20s just trying to figure out their lives after college including but not limited to things related to work, relationships, moving to new cities, and their general worldviews (also, I just realized I found most of these creators after the whole "I don't dream of labor" trend happened). There definitely that parasocial aspect to this where it feels like I'm their friend sitting there like *omfg same I feel that too and I also think....* and I think it facilitates the dialogs that I have in my head regarding me figuring out my own life. Just in general, I have noticed that I am growing more by bonding and building relationships with people by talking about what is going on in my life and what's been going on with their life than I am from consuming spiritual and self development content. The way that I'm drawn to this type of content reminds me of a TikTok that I saw awhile back. In this video, this woman in her late 20s was talking about how as you get older you don't get attached to pieces of media like your favorite TV show or your favorite band like you used to back when you were in your teen years. A lot of the comments replying to that video was from teenagers just getting sad about how adulthood just steals your joy and makes you boring with no hobbies and interests. The creator then replied back and said that this isn't a bad thing because as you get older, because you will experience more of life, you tend to bond with people with similar world views and life experiences instead of whether or not you like the same kind of music. On top of that, there is the whole thing about how you gain more media literacy as you grow up, you tend to be more aware of parasocial dynamics and don't cling onto them as obsessively, as well understanding your own relation to escapism. And I really felt that shit especially this year because I noticed that most of my relationships now aren't really built on common interests like before rather they have to do with common values and experiences. I also think that this reflects on the media that I find myself drawn to as well. So, here are some creators from this category that I find myself coming back to frequently: I feel like Fauxhad is just really big moods most of the time. I found him back when he had a few hundred followers and lowkey, I love seeing his growth on the platform as well as they way that he too is growing and are confused with life as well during the pandemic and lockdowns. I feel like I keep adding Katherout videos onto my journals in addition to my own thoughts and emotions that come up for me while I watch her content. I'm also really here for her oversharing in seattle series she's doing about her experience relocating after being in San Francisco her whole life and how she's figuring out her relationship to work, achievement, and capitalism. And as an overachiever, this feels like me looking into the future by like idk 3-4 years lol. I found myself drawn to Lynette Adkin's content because of the way that she ties in things like manifestation and spirituality in a very practical way to facilitate her living her best life and her being critical of the systems that are currently set into place. I would say that it's her videos that I found first under the whole "I don't dream of labor" trend which led me to find a lot of the creators above. I found Tarek Ali's channel a couple years ago and I remember watching a few videos here and there. I found myself more attracted to his content lately when he started talking about things related to body image and just navigating your life and relationships after graduating. I feel like I have learned a lot from his content and honestly, a lot of them just feel like little one sided therapy sessions where he just lectures life advice to me and I eat it up and relate it to my own life and realizations. Similar to Tarek's content, when I watch Kayln's content, particularly on her Koze channel, I eat is up like one sided therapy sessions with life advice. I feel like she as a bit more of a spirituality mixed into her self development related content which I always appreciate. And as the title says, it's cozy. I find myself clicking on a lot of videos with reddit posts despite never being on reddit. Idk I just like seeing random little anecdotes, words of advice, and takes from people all complied in one place. Also, the robotic voice is funny sometimes lol.

It's simple. In order to have free speech, there needs to be a certain degree of censorship to ensure that marginalized groups are protected so that they too can have free speech. If you have white supremacists and misogynists go around spewing their hate and radicalizing people, women and minorities will be silenced and will become the target of violence. The question isn't whether should we have free speech or censorship. The question is whose free speech are we looking to protect.

I edited my notifications setting and I went from having about 40-60 notifications daily to almost none. I'm not complaining and honestly I think it's for the better but I will say that it feels a little weird to check on this site as I normally do and not see anything happening. It just throws me off a little bit lol. But I do feel my mind being clearer that's for sure.

Healing Your Inner Child Lately I've been on TikTok and as usual I have a bunch of posts showing up about healing your inner child. While that isn't anything new, there is a trend that is coming up in the spiritual/trauma healing/ self development side of TikTok that has to do with how part of healing your inner child also includes healing your inner teenager. It's pretty much under the same premise of integration but has a different flavor. While I can't really speak on what the experience is like for everyone, I can speak on my own experience that I am having with healing my inner child and healing my inner teenager. For me, healing my inner child mainly comprised of emotionally opening up to myself and others, dismantling a lot of internalized misogyny I had, being gentle with myself, and making sure I'm physically taking care of my needs. A lot of it also has to deal with healing from emotional neglect and unavailability which involved me learning to ask for help and actually letting myself feel my emotions rather than intellectualizing them. And even though I had a lot of that taken care of over the last couple of years, I guess there was a part of me that I felt that I didn't get to and I didn't know exactly how to articulate it either. And that's where this TikTok trend comes in. A lot of the people who were making videos with the whole healing your inner teenager were talking about a variety of things ranging from how their inner teenager wants to fight people to how dressing the way their 14 year old self wanted to dress is mentally satisfying. Other common themes involved setting boundaries with yourself, reconnecting with old hobbies and interests, and learning to not only stand up for yourself but stand up for your full potential instead of stagnating. I decided to take a moment to reflect on a lot of these themes as well as revisit some things that I really resonated with at the time in the form of old playlists. I also revisited a couple of posts I made in the past where I was reflecting on my teenage years. I will admit that initially reflecting on *how to heal my inner teenager* felt really fucking strange considering I was a teenager less than 3 years ago and much of the time from when I turned 20 to now was just the pandemic where I didn't do much other than go insane from living with my parents. So, as a result, there is this huge part of me that realizes that there is only so much healing I can do with my inner teenager since I don't feel like I have sufficient distance from her as far as time goes. But nevertheless, there are somethings that I can work on and there are something that I already find myself working on and just makes much more sense right now. For instance, I remember a lot of times in the first part of 2021 that I would find myself spiraling because I hit such a low point to where I couldn't help but think about how if 16 year old me saw me like this now that she'd fucking lose it. And a lot of my frustrations with FOMO and the way that the pandemic has shaped my experiences and my mindset for the last couple years makes more sense when I look at it through the lens of an unhealed inner teenager. Because a lot of that self deprecating inner dialog does come from a place of my teenage self having all of these hopes and expectations for the future and who I thought I could become and then them simply not coming true because there was no way that I could've had foresight into a fucking pandemic. And a lot of that self deprecating dialog also comes from a place of feeling like I needed to have my life together and be competent because of late stage capitalism and the school system that my 16 year old self fully bought into because she didn't know what adulthood held and didn't yet begin to look at issues more systemically because of a lack of education. I've also had somethings pick at some old wounds that I had as well recently. I tried to reach out to some old friends recently and I remember after trying to reach out that there was this sense of dread that washed over me because I was reminded of old relationship dynamics I was a part of. For the last month or so I found myself revisiting attachment issues that I thought I have handled but turns out I still had some shit left to deal with (will write about this in another post). And some of the emotions I found resurfacing in the process of doing that make a whole lot more sense when I think of it from the point of view of my teenage self wanting social acceptance and not knowing how to deal with the situation at hand rather than thinking of the situation from the current point of view I have now after years in therapy. It's kind of similar to how really petty things probably hurt us a lot when we were kids, like for example you being the last one to get picked during gym class, but in retrospect as an adult it doesn't seem like a big deal but you also have no idea why there is a part of you that gets so emotional thinking of that situation. That's because while adult you has the way to cope with this situation, your inner child is still in pain because back then, that kid didn't know better on how to deal with this situation therefore the situation on some level feels unsolved. Yes, 22 year old soos_mite_ah knows how to deal with that situation now but her inner 16 year old is still in pain because she didn't have the same kinds of tools and insights as she does now. Finally, there is this piece of righteous anger that I had as a teenager. While I was a pretty good kid and didn't have issues with rules and boundaries, I did (and still do) have a lot of pent up anger. I remember a couple months when I was looking at my old writing that I was pleasantly surprised on how much of it made sense and wasn't completely cringe. I had perfectly valid reasons to be angry and frustrated and it wouldn't be right to write all of that off as angst and cringe. Like I said before, a common theme in this TikTok trend is on how a lot of people's inner teenager want to fight, get vengeance, and burn everything to the ground. I think for me going forward, this is basically a sign that I need to pay attention to my anger more and validate it more often.

I'll be looking forward to that post. Make sure you tag me I second this. That has actually helped a lot and just making plans with a couple people in general even if it's as simple as talking to someone in a coffee shop and that's it. I'm pretty sure the reason why we don't encounter these kinds of men as much irl is because they aren't the ones who are actually socializing with girls by being in their social circle. I mean if you don't like women, why would you want to hang out with them unless you were trying to get your needs met . And just in general from my personal experience, guys who are usually around other women a lot, especially if their main friend group consist of other women, they are much less likely to spew a lot of the bs threads you see on here because they are actually around women in a neutral setting where they see them as actual people rather than a potential romantic or sexual encounter. Oh 100%. I find it really weird on how like formulaic a lot of these interactions and dynamics these guys are. It just feels like they are plotting and strategizing instead of actually being present in the situation and getting to know the other person. I guess for me personally, I have tried to make it a point to have boundaries with my self and that section of the forum from using the ignore function for some users who have recurring problematic exchanges and by avoiding that section all together in a lot of the cases. I honestly think I'm at a point where I need to go completely cold turkey because this was starting to be one of those *death by a thousand paper cuts* types of situations where it slowly erodes you. Like of course, consciously I know better, but the repeated exposure is subconsciously picking at minor insecurities which then would create larger problems.

Zyzz Ok so since I started doing my little work out videos to keep myself sane so I don't feel like a blob of a person, the YouTube algorithm decided to introduce me to Zyzz. TLDR: Zyzz was a fitness influencer back in the early 2000s before influencers were really a thing. Apparently he really changed up the way that fitness bros interact with one another in the gym because of the way that he went from being this skinny guy to being buff. Along the way he stood up for skinny guys in body building forums and other fitness circles so that it's less intimidating for beginners. I don't say apparently to undermine what he did or to be skeptical/ critical rather I don't know about the extent to which things have changed since I haven't been in the fitness circles of the early 2000s. Unfortunately, this guy died at 22 from a heart attack but he still has a legacy that lives on in body building circles and his brother is also continuing on the whole body building thing. So the reason why I wanted to write about this guy is because I caught myself falling into a rabbit hole of sorts because how could he be so huge but I have literally never heard of him. Also, there is this morbid curiosity I have with I guess old internet culture. I really don't want to call it that because what I'm referring to as "old internet culture" is really the internet between 2006-2012 and while 10 years isn't a crazy long time irl, it's practically ancient in internet terms. I wasn't really on the internet like that during that time because I was a literal child. But when I was on the internet, odds are I was doing one of the following: Watching asdf movie for the thousandth time or searching up nyan cat to annoy my friends, playing random little games, reading rage comics on iFunny, or reading fanfiction and looking at fan art of my favorite shows and books on Deviantart. I wasn't super immersed into internet culture so there is only so much that I can say about that time period on the internet other than me getting nostalgic over random bits of my childhood. I don't remember a lot of the trolling culture from that time and what was considered acceptable and normal or even funny and entertaining. But I do remember that we have come a long way from back then in terms of being inclusive and calling people out on the internet for being a fucking asshole. Like I'm pretty sure that if "How to be Emo" was made today that NigaHiga would be called out for perpetuating negative stereotypes about those who struggle with depression and he would have been cancelled in a heart beat. I know what I have written about so far might seem like a huge tangent from talking about Zyzz as a fitness influencer but one of the things that drew my curiosity towards him is the way that he would constantly troll people on the internet. One of the guys in his little group decided to call himself "Chestbruh" and honestly I find myself laughing while having a cringe attack because what the actual fuck. Honestly, what was the internet back in 2007?? Any way, jokes aside, I found a lot of Zyzz's trolling to be pretty jarring and off putting. Like, I don't get how people found this shit funny or entertaining at one point. It's just cringe. But then again, back then there were people who thought yelling out the f-slur and pointing to random shit saying "that's gay" was the height of comedy so there's that. Zyzz just seems like an unhinged gym bro going on a rampage with no one to check him. I'm not exactly a fan or advocate of cancel culture, but to a certain extent I do think that a certain degree of social pressure, both in the forms of peers as well as the possibility of future employers checking on your shit, has given some amount of accountability to people on the internet that forces them to be mindful of things. Is it the best way to ensure that people are mindful and civil on the internet? Fuck no! But I do know that if Zyzz tried to pull some of the shit that he did back in the day now, there would be an endless amount of people making jokes about alpha male content and basically he would be turned into a meme where rather than having people laugh with him, he will have people laugh at him. That, and I'm pretty sure that people would have gotten sick of this guy really quickly because of how obnoxious he is and he will be featured in every gym bro cringe compilation. Then there is how old he was when he died. He died at 22 and I feel like in a way, his character is kind of frozen in time in the sense that the world never got to see what he would've become in the years to come. I do think it's pretty tragic because this guy was pretty successful and was an influencer before influencers were a thing so in that way he was ahead of his time. And because I'm at the same age, it does make me think of my own mortality just a smidge. There is a part of me that can't help but wonder what it would be like if I encountered a 22 year old Zyzz in the wild and how that interaction would go down. He is an interesting character, and I say that in the sense that his personality is like a science experiment gone wrong. Like, he is so obnoxious and just has the worst stench of insecurity that I haven't seen in a long time. He vaguely reminds me of the annoying guys that picked on me from middle school to early high school with but then didn't encounter once I became an adult. Granted the fame fucked with his head and he has a lot of unresolved issues that he constantly projected out to others but even then he is so stunted emotionally. It's like the guy was living his villain origin story. He seems like an actual menace to be around and I feel like a lot of those interactions out weighs a lot of the little defenses he made towards skinny guys in terms of evaluating his character. Moral of the story: Don't do hard drugs or steroids. Especially when your frontal lobe isn't done forming.

How This Forum Influences My View on Men I think this brief step back helped me gain some perspective on how this forum is probably affecting me in the long term. I think to get a better idea it would be a good idea to avoid looking at my notifications and any other threads other than the ones in the journaling section. Because the men on here really aint shit and it's been fucking me up mentally slowly but surely. So for the last month or so I've been around my friend's younger brother and his group of friends as well as some of the guy friends my friends are around as well as one of my friend's significant other. And while I'm not really close to any of these guys, they were just refreshing to be around because they weren't raging republicans, they weren't *Nice Guys*, they weren't wannabe pick up artists, and they weren't weird ass red pillers. They were just normies with a good amount of self awareness. And honestly, I feel like normies with self awareness have more awareness than the average guy on this forum. You don't have to be completely engulfed into spirituality and self improvement to be able to reflect and work on yourself. I know that sounds super obvious but I feel like I have to say it anyway since a lot of the guys on this forum have a tendency to be like *all normies are super unconscious and stupid* while puffing themselves up because they have built up a spiritual ego an god complex. I'm sorry if you made some changes in your life and you no longer resonate with some people in your life but that doesn't mean you go along generalizing the rest of humanity. Sometimes all it takes is a simple change of social circle and it doesn't even have to mean you have to go off into a hippie commune either. As for the Nice Guys, PUAs, and red pillers (I'm going to label this group as the ick because I don't want to keep typing this out), I feel like I have a really distorted perception of how many are there out in the real world. Because when I get on this forum, it feels like ick is everywhere. When I get out in the real world, particularly in my specific social circle, the ick is barely there. I know this forum tend to attract a lot of men with a variety of issues and a lot of PUA types because of Leo. I also know that my specific social circle tends to be pretty progressive and female centric so even when they are guys coming into our circle, I feel like there is a metaphorical fire wall of sorts that are just put up. Now, what are the implications of this? I do think that there are women in my social circle who have a more naive view of what kind of men are actually out there. They aren't so naive to where they don't know they should be careful or the prevalence of the dangerous situations women can get themselves into, but it's also not like they know the depths of the ick simply because they refuse to be around that type of thing (and rightfully so). Then there are guys on this forum. I feel like there are some guys on this forum who are so consumed with the Chad's, either because they hate Chad because they have the nice guy complex or because they want to be the Chad (and honestly, what even is a Chad? I don't think I have come across them at all. They just seem like a really limited archetype that no person actually completely fits. It reminds me of the whole NLOG thing when you compare yourself against the idea of other girls that doesn't actually exist). Sometimes I look at these threads and I'm just like *you know there are perfectly normal guys out there who aren't these alpha chads who have perfectly normal, fulfilling, happy lives with friends, and a significant other every now and then.* Like, you don't have to have these over the top lives with a million dollars, a 10 for a girlfriend, and that you don't have to be an emotionally distant asshole to women to have sex.... Y'all just reek emotional damage and bitterness and y'all need to get that sorted out with a professional instead of studying what a sigma male is on the internet. And speaking of the 1-10 rating system, again, I always knew it was bs but I feel like by constantly being on this website, it's been fucking with my body image as well as my ability to put myself out there because this website is just a cesspool of body insecurity without any amount of self awareness at times. Like I know so many beautiful "average" looking people who don't have issues with dating or relationships (casual or otherwise) but I feel like with the way that this forum tends to cling on to the 1-10 scale, it will have people believing that they are hopeless unless they look like the textbook definition of conventionally attractive. Sure these people aren't constantly in relationships and hooking up but honestly I think it's a good thing because they are comfortable being on their own and they are willing to trust their timing of their own lives instead of feeling the need to force a situation by approaching a 1000 different people. Then finally, the thing that is probably actually causing me trauma is how sleezy and weird the guys with the ick are. I feel like since coming here I have become more paranoid with guys but also in a way it feels like their behavior is normalized. I don't know how to best explain it but it's like there is a part of me that feels like if I were to go to a guy's house that I recently started dating, I would get paranoid of him getting pushy about getting physical and that I should accept this as normal because that's just how guys are and that I should've known better than to go back to his place because what else could that have possibly meant? There is no relationship without sex right? SMH. To be fair, I do think part of this does have to do with my own life experiences but at the same time, I have only a couple of weird experiences with guys being too pushy with me, none of which resulted in full on assault thank god. But I think a lot of it is coming from this forum because I haven't been this cynical or paranoid around guys before I joined this place. I feel like I'm surrounded by a lot of pushy, shady guys on here and as a result because of how I've been shut in because of the pandemic, there is a part of me that feels like I'm surrounded by the same kind of guys on the regular as well. Basically, the relationship advice on here is often trash and the average person who hasn't been exposed to this type of ideology has better perspective on relationships and how to go about creating them and building them.

A Brief Life Update Sooooo... I haven't been on here nor have I been writing lately. I don't have a particular reason or plan to take a break but it just kind of happened. Maybe it's the laziness. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed with other things. Maybe I just didn't feel like writing. Regardless, I think it was a much needed break. In the mean time I have been doing the following: Stressing over a job interview: I've been interviewing for an internship and I had a couple of meetings with my professor and the team I'm supposed to be working with. I had those meetings prior to Christmas and I had my interview on the 5th. It went well but at the same time since I haven't really heard back from them.... I'm getting nervous. I have people telling me to just be patient and that this will come through but I really don't like being in suspense like this. I'm probably going to send a follow up email tomorrow since by then it would have been a week since the interview. But yeah... I've been in this state of anxiety for the past couple days. Got my COVID booster shot: I got this on Friday and right after getting the shot, I felt this wave of exhaustion come over me and I got a mild headache. I fell asleep at 2pm that afternoon and then woke up at 9 the next day. I had plans on that Saturday to meet up with a couple of my friends and thank god I did because I'm pretty sure that staying in bed all day wouldn't help much. I felt a little sore, not so much to where it was painful but it just felt as if I did a workout the day before. Then, out of nowhere I got another wave of exhaustion so I dipped yearly. I got home at 6pm and then fell asleep again. I woke up at 1pm on Sunday and for the last couple days I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back on track. I felt tired and sore on Sunday but I wasn't exhausted nor did I have a headache. By the time Monday rolled around I was perfectly fine. Getting angry about COVID: I feel like everyone around me is getting the new variant and while it isn't as deadly, there are still long term effects of COVID. There's also the whole shortening the number of quarantining days as well. I think it's safe to say that everyone is over the pandemic and while that is understandable, COVID don't care if you're over it. It's still spreading all of the goddamn place and schools are getting shut down again because people aren't doing what they are supposed to fucking do. My school hasn't moved online but I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I'm wary of how things are going to go down. But on the other hand, my school has been handling COVID well and I definitely don't want to stay home for another fucking semester since my parent's are driving me insane. Mourning the relationship with my parents: I don't remember exactly how much I have written about this but it is something that I have been dealing with since late November. I have made the decision that when I become financially independent that I will be cutting contact with my family. This isn't an easy decision and there is a lot of emotions that I have been sorting through in the process of dealing with this. I still don't know how exactly I'm going to approach this or what I'm going to say but I have about a year to figure that out. I started working out (sort of): So upon coming back home during winter break, I realized that I essentially felt like a blob of a person. I know this isn't much of a work out but I have been doing the Chloe Ting 2 week challenges and I have completed 2 of them. I don't think it's doing anything as far as weight and body composition goes for me but then again it's only been like a month since I started. I do see an improvement in my form while doing the exercises and I find myself having more energy and I don't feel like a blob of a person anymore so I'll take that. I know this isn't much but I think it's a step in the right direction and I feel good doing this. I've met up with my friends a few times: I feel like this was essential for me because not only do I need to get out of my household, I think just interacting with another person just makes me feel like more of an actual person. I find myself checking tf out a lot of the time when I am at home and it's rather draining. And just in general it gives me something to do during the week, something to look forward to, and it's been helpful to deepen some of the relationships I have established in this last few months. I also think that talking to people outside of this forum and just limiting the amount of time I spend on here and instead talking to people in my circle had been more helpful in me growing as a person. I've been dealing with my anxious tendencies in relationships: I'm honestly going to make a whole nother post on this. I reconnected with an old friend (sort of): I sent her a short message saying that I want to reconnect and meet up. She responded positively but turns out she caught COVID so it might be a few weeks (since she's trying to be careful). I hope she's feeling better soon and I have said my piece so at this point the ball is in her court and it's up to her to reach out when she's feeling better. I finished my application for studying abroad in Japan: Don't have much to expand on other than I hope this goes through this time.