soos_mite_ah

@Noahsteelers34 oh hell no.... see that's the problem. Tea tree oil dries the fuck out of your skin causing your skin to go into overdrive to produce oils which in turn causes more acne. For many people, tea tree oil is waaay too harsh on the skin. You want to opt for a gentle, fragrance free cleanser and moisturizing that is suited for your skin type. If you want to go the extra mile granted there arent any cuts on your skin that could be irritated, you can opt for a serum with niacinamide. This helps prevent additional breakouts and heal any previous scarring you might have. Also, don't touch your face or pick at it. Finally, for an exfoliator, you would want to do this once a week, no more because it can be too harsh. It takes the dead skin off the surface so you can start fresh. You want to get a gentle chemical exfoliator. Dont get the physical exfoliators with the tiny grains. Those will further irritate the acne.

what's your skincare routine?

There isn't such thing as an inherently toxic person but we all take on the role as the toxic one at one point or another in our lives. That's perfectly normal because I mean, we aren't always in the right 100% of the time. Knowing when you're being the toxic one has to do with being able to self reflect and take accountability when people are calling you out on your bullshit. It also involves learning and educating yourself on the people around you or perspectives you haven't encountered before (i.e. don't be homophobic, racist, sexist, etc.). Another indicator can be how much drama follows you around interpersonally in your life over the years. If there is a consistent trend, you might be the toxic person or you might have the tendency to entertain other toxic people. Either way, you need to have the self awareness to deal with it. That said, while we can all be toxic to some extent, the really toxic people won't take accountability for their actions, assume everyone else is the problem, and won't try to better themselves at all. Asking how will you know if you're toxic is kind of like asking how you will know if you're stupid. The stupid one's don't know what they don't know so they go around assuming they are geniuses. Similarly, toxic people can often have this image that they can do no wrong and that they are angels when really they are anything but because they go around blaming others and making excuses for themselves.

To Do List 3/26 Deal with the constant feeling of not being enough in the back of my mind: Just to list my delusional thoughts out I just straight up hate what my body looks like I feel like me doing a good job isn't enough because I'm not beating the person next to me. (I know this is super stage orange but that's the environment I'm currently in and even though this isn't what I believe logically, it is still something affecting me at the moment emotionally) A lot of this also comes from a place of being afraid of graduating and finding a job that will support me financially while not sucking my soul dry and having the credentials to get that type of position. Deal with your body image issues: Much of the stuff I've been trying to sort out has to do with this but the thing is that it's pretty personal to me hence why I am not writing about it the same way I would write about other things in my journals. Prioritize self care: i've been busy as usual and while this isn't anything new, I think I can use the reminder every now a Prioritize just general enjoyment in your life: I have come to the relization a while back that much of the stuff I do to relax and enjoy myself mainly consists of self care things that basically have the end goal of recharging me so that I can continue working.....I don't want to live like that lol. Our time off of work isn't meant for us to recharge, it's meant for us to enjoy and celebrate our lives. This could be a whole post in my main journal but this is just something I'm observing that could really help me deal with a lot of things emotionally and give me a sense of fulfillment. Give yourself the space to deal with the day to day emotional labor you go through: Recently, I found out someone I once went to school with died and my uncle has a tumor in his kidney. I'm also trying to figure out exactly wtf I'm doing with my life regarding careers, moving, maintaining relationships, dealing with family etc. as well as figure out my dysfunctional relationship with my body. And some of those things take time to figure out as well as things like trial and error and don't get me started on logistical stuff. Overall, I think I need to prioritize a sense of lightheartness in my life because I feel like I have so much that I'm tackling at once both in terms of my day to day work load but also just personally as far as going through life transitions go.

@Michael569 I think that is a very valid point when it comes to comparison in general. I also think depending on what we workout and what our genetics are that different people start out in different places as well so really yourself to anyone is comparing apples to oranges (not to mention that you don't know what's going on behind closed doors or people's mind state). I'm starting to notice and question this more as I have been reframing the way I see myself when it comes to fitness. I know especially when I was a kid, don't know if other countries do this, but we had this standardized fitness test that basically judged where you were compared to all of your classmates. And while I don't want to critique that whole thing mainly because my knowledge on fitness is pretty limitted and as a result, I don't know all of things that are wrong with this approach. But I will say that those tests as well as how gym class was often framed growing up basically convinced me that I was a pile of squish with little atheletic ability that wasn't capable of doing much. But yeah, doing weights is making me rethink that whole notion because of what I'm capable of and how I'm progressing. I am planning on branching out to other forms of working out later on but I guess I wasn't as aware as to where my strengths literally were and I was incorrectly comparing myself to others and assuming that I wasn't a good job when that's just not what my body is accustommed/ adapted to (kind of like the example that you talked about in your comment). Also, there's no need to apologize for posting on my journal. Especially when it comes to working out, I don't have the best idea as to what I'm doing so having additional input is helpful more than anything. Plus I just like talking to people on here.

That makes sense. Yeah, the thing that I'm doing right now, I can't have a conversation with someone with that kind of incline lol. I started with doing 12 incline, 3mph, for 15 minutes after finding out about this whole trend that's going around lately. I'm pretty sure it started as a social media challenge but it's the 12-3-30 routine (12 incline, 3 mph, 30 min). I just thought it would be fun to try it out. Yeah, I can't do the 30 minutes in the original challenge. I'm sure if I really tried I could do 20 minutes, but I want to make sure I have more time to do the weights since that's what I really enjoy. Normally I do an hour of weights and if I feel like it (based on how much energy and time I have), I might add 10-15 minutes of walking. I thought about getting a PT for a free session at my school. I was originally thinking about doing that to make sure I have the right form so I'm getting the most out of my work outs and so I don't injure myself. Didn't think about the breathing aspect and how breathing properly would help with performance though.

I think focusing on things that I enjoy has been really important in me kick starting this habit and keeping me coming back to the gym consistently. Sometimes it's even something that I look forward to in order to destress. I'm starting to see this become "something I just do" slowly and I feel like once I'm at that poiint, then I can start incorporate things that I'm less excited about like cardio. I'm at about 2 months of consistency so I guess a couple more months will get me to that point. I agree with this and I try to keep myself grounded regarding the biases I might have in my environment and the sample sizes I'm working with that is affecting my perception of the situation and where I fall. Besides the gym, my school (and the surrouding area) just generally has a lot of emphasis on looking a certain way, especially when it comes to women, and it just hits especially hard in this particular gym. There is a whole lot I could go into all of this but that's a post for a different time lol. I'll check that out. Is there a specific speed or incline I should look into? I've recently been trying to do 3 mph for 15 minutes at 12 incline. It's actually kind of challenging because of the incline. When it comes to the weights, I definitely find myself feeling out of breath and having my heart rate go up after a while but I don't mind it too much because it feels much more manageble than just running. I heard that a couple times and how it's especially not effective with those with PCOS because of the cortisol overload. As much as this condition sucks, there is a part of me that likes having yet another excuse to not run lmaoo

Wait... what happened? I'm not on here much so idk what's going on lol

Some Thoughts I'm super excited on how far I'm coming as far as progressing to heavier weights goes. It's pretty empowering tbh. But I will admit, it's a little difficult to fully tap into the excitement because the annoying voice in my head is just like *well you still look the same and if anything you probably look chunkier than last time.* It just feels kind of weird to not base your progress on things like how much you weigh, your measurements, body composition, how you look etc. And I think that's what made it difficult to stick to working out in the past. Because even though I was enjoying whatever workout I was doing in question and was seeing improvement in my ability to do different things, I would still find myself discouraged because I didn't look like the typical image of fitness nor was my body changing to get closer to that ideal. Even with all that hardwork and improvement, I still looked like every "before" picture people post when they do before and afters. I also think these past 2 months helped me see myself as somewhat of an athletic person as well. I think I always considered myself as this pile of squish that couldn't do much when really, I wasn't really using the right metrics. I still suck at anything cardio related, I still can't do a pull up, and I have to do the modified versions of dips and pushups. But at the same time, I can leg press 300 lbs which I think is pretty impressive lol. I feel that this is one of those "if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid" kind of situations. And as a result, I'm really glad that I let myself just do exercises I think are fun instead of making myself feel obligated to do workouts I don't enjoy at all. I think taking the later approach would have killed my desire to go to the gym at all and would have made maintaining this habit unsuccessful and potentially even destructive. Nevertheless, I do still find myself feeling self conscious to a certain extent. I do find myself comparing myself to a lot of the other girls at the gym. Everyone is really skinny and toned with the perfect flat stomach in their overpriced lululemon leggings and sports bras. Meanwhile, I'm over here feeling as if I look like Ms.Trunchbull from Matilda. And I also see a lot of these other girls spending most of their time doing some form of cardio. I know just in general there is this whole notion of cardio burning more calories and therefore helping you lose more weight. And I feel like that goes hand in hand with how there is a general beauty standard to be thin and dainty, toned, but nothing too much. Just to be clear, I don't know what's going on with other people's goals, mindsets, and what they find enjoyable at the gym, nor do I judge them for it. It's none of my business. But I do catch my insecurities turning it's ugly head when I catch myself comparing how much I can lift to other girls. My ego is sometimes springs up and says *I might not look like that but I can lift significantly more than they can* as a way to puff myself up when really I feel somewhat less than them for not looking as "healthy." I'm putting healthy in quotes because I know that I don't have to have a flat stomach or be a certain size to be considered healthy or athletic but nevertheless there is an image that pops up in most people's head when you mention a healthy/athletic girl. I know my goals at the gym have nothing to do with my weight, body composition, how I look etc. for the sake of both my sanity and for my ability to stay consistent with working out. I want working out to be genuinely enjoyable and I don't want to feel like I'm punishing myself. But, there is a thing in my head from years of I guess social conditioning that is telling me that I'm not doing this whole going to the gym thing right. Again, it just feels weird not measuring my progress in the way that most people usually do.

Weights 3.20.22 Tricep Pulldowns: 60 lbs (up from 50 lbs) Leg Press: 300 lbs (up from 250) [I am super excited for this one especially on how fast I reached this goal. I can leg press more than double my body weight at this point] Donkey Kick Machine: 140 lbs (up from 90) [I have no idea what I was on today but I was able to successfully do multiple sets at 140. Super excited nonetheless] Standing Calf Raises; 180 lbs (up from 140 lbs) Leg curls: 100 lbs (down from 115 lbs) [I found out that the last time I recorded this, my form was off and now, in an effort to correct that, I have started using lighter weights] Leg Extention: 150 lbs (up from 120 lbs) Dumbell Chest Press: 20 lbs on each arm (up from 15 lbs) [I noticed that I progress a couple weeks faster on this compared to the dumbell curls] Dumbell Curl: 17.5 lbs on each arm (up from 15lbs) Seated Cable Rows: 70 lbs (up from 55) [forgot to note this exercise down in the previous post]

Also, it's been a year since I started this journal and I think it's really interesting to see how far I have come when it comes to dealing with a variety of things one by one. It felt really incremental and not overwhelming at all. However, looking back, I did deal with a lot of things and covered a lot of ground. And I'm proud of myself for that.

I know I posted an update a few days ago but I realized that I had a couple more things to add/ cross off. I deleted the previous post so it wouldn't be repetitive.

She's the weird one in this situation. There are pleanty of reasons why some people don't drink ranging fromsomething as simple it tastes bad to something more serious like addiction running in their family. Most adults get this so when you tell them you don't drink, they realize it's a personal decision and won't ask any more questions because they don't know how personal the reason is. Don't be a dick about it and do.n't be judgemental on the notion that other people drink. Just a simple "i don't drink" is sufficient. No need to make a big deal out of it If you do encounter people who have a problem with you not drinking and are making a big deal out of it even if you aren't, that's usually not a person you want to deal with. They are not respecting your boundaries and are trying to make you feel ashamed of it. For me personally, I think it's really fucking weird to just expect people to drink or try to get someone to drink after they said no since it's literally a drug. Also, you won't have to "own frame" if you surround yourself with the right, nonjudgemental, respectful people.

No, I would say much of neediness comes from things like trauma, a shitty attachment style, a lack of standards,lack of quality relationships in other areas of life, self esteem issues, etc. because neediness is a form of validation seeking and an inablility to be by yourself. Even if you find yourself in a position where you are getting your sexual needs met, you're still going to be neurotically gripping onto those experience whether it is in the form of clinging onto one person or compulsively looking for sex by sleeping around in an unhealthy way. I personally know a lot of people who are physically and emotionally thristy for sex and relationships but aren't needy, myself included. Sometimes you just go through a dry spell and that's ok. Sure it's a little uncomfortable in the sense you aren't scratching a certain itch but it isn't so bad to where you are willing to throw yourself at people regardless of the outcome. I may be thristy, but I'm not about to drink rat poison to quench that thirst.

Just looking for an adultier adult to help me with this because I'm going through a transition and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate through different relationship dynamics. I know when you grow up and leave school that you have to be much more intentional with maintaining your old friends (and even if you're making new ones) because people are living their own lives, moving to different places, schedules don't match up etc. I also know that it's natural and healthy to grow apart and grow back together since it's important to give people space to grow. Most importantly, you need to be able to have these kinds of vulnerable conversations to plan out these relationships and talk about your needs from the connections when it comes to different transitions. I'm pretty comfortable with having these conversations with people I have known for years since we have gone through these kinds of phases before. But I have made a few friends in college and while I do enjoy their company and am comfortable with opening up about things, I don't know to what extent I'm planning on keeping in touch with them or to what extent they would want to either since we've known one another for a semester and a half and hung out like once a week or so. I'm definitely planning on having a conversation with them about this and I feel like I would be content with either maintaining contact or going our separate ways. My question isn't on how to go about these conversations but I will say that I feel like I'm going into somewhat uncharted territory. I'm just wondering what has been y'alls experiences with maintaining friends as an adult, the outcome, challenges that have come up, etc.

That's pretty standard for the first few dates. If anything, a really good piece of advice I got was make the first few dates kind of at boring but chill locations (coffee shops, parks, restaurants, etc. as opposed to amusement parks for example). That way you can focus on getting to know a person and see whether or not you like them instead of getting swept up and distracted by the excitement. No it isn't weird. Don't be shy to ask if you are unsure. Even if she isn't comfortable and says no, it still looks respectful and she'll appreciate that you asked. Social experience doesn't hurt and it's good that you are learning a lot. Yeah I do think it is the lack of attraction/ yall not clicking. If you're with a person and both of yall are into it and have things in common with one another, it isn't that hard to have chemistry whether it be platonic or romantic because you will be genuinely into getting to know one another. That in itself will be interesting and you won't have to go out of your way to make it so.

I remember seeing accounts like this and basically from what I can gather is that these silent rooms don't drive you crazy from the lack of sound rather it's what you hear in that silence. Like there are reports of people being able to hear themselves breathing, their heart beating, and other bodily functions that are so minute that we otherwise wouldn't hear such as your blood flowing. And that's the thing that drives them insane. If anything, I feel like being hyper aware of those sensations can stop you from focussing on the present moment. I believe the first video talked about the room being -9 db. My guess is that the best for meditation would be 0 or just a little higher (granted I don't know how decibles are calculated nor do I have any idea on what a regular silent room would fall in that spectrusm).

Finally Getting Over Myself I don't even know to what extent this post is really cohesive. After writing it, it did feel all over the place. I guess enjoy me rambling and trying to check in with myself. My self deprecation has been much lower in the last couple of weeks. Lately, I've been feeling like I've been getting over myself and stepping into healtheir, albeit fuller and busier routines. There is a part of me that feels like I've used my self esteem as a punching bag enough and I'm just over it. It's not in the sense that I'm so done with life and I want to make a big change but it's more like *yep, I'm done throwing a tantrum.* I guess the last few months was me just purging a lot of neurotic thoughts to the point where they don't really come up anymore since they already passed through me. It feels kind of equivalent to whenever I spend 3 hours straight of playing some random game on my phone and then after a while I just stop caring even though it was rather obsessive a minute ago. I think the other thing is that I'm finally getting used to my schedule. I'm pretty busy throughout the day and a few weeks ago I felt really burnt out and over all just done but now I feel fine. I know for the last couple years I have been really taking it easier due to my physical and mental health and it took me a minute to get back to my normal degree of functioning. I basically went from having all of this free time to myself to work through things and now I don't have as much free time (though I still prioritize it) so it was an adjustment. I don't feel socially drained as I used to now that I've gotten back in the habit of prioritizing that aspect of my life more. The same goes for work and school. There is still this remanents of mild depression here and there. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. Maybe I'm still adjusting and I need to take care of myself more or maybe it's me still dealing with family issues and the aftermath of that. While the anxiety hasn't kicked in and neither has the doomer spirals, I don't really know what I'm doing with my life after college and how to manage both my friendships and my family relationships going forward...... I really need to figure that out huh lol? It also might be the by product of working through the little hiearchy of needs. I got most of the relationship / self esteem stuff covered but as far as meaningful work... yeah I have a ways to go.

Title says it all. I'm going back and forth from once a week to twice a week. What's a good number when it comes to getting a blog off the ground and what kind of time frame am I looking at? A lot of sources have mentioned that doing something everday or 2-4 times a week is a good number to aim for but I want to do something that is sustainable since I have a life outside of this and it isn't a full on job lol. I know I can't get exact numbers to plan things out regarding when things will take off but a general idea would be nice. If anyone else has done something similar, I would love your input and your experince.

I like writing and I want to exteriorize it. I'm just sharing my vision and ideas on the internet. I can see on how the SEO would likely be more important than frequency of posts. I suppose it was rather idealistic and impractical to assume that if you post enough on what you like to write about that things will get off the ground in that way. Oh well, I'm having fun with this. It is something that gives me a lot of purpose and that means a lot to me but I'm not super attached to it to where I expect income and attention. Those are a nice plus but just getting my writing out there is more of my priority.

I felt everything in this video. Lately, I feel like I'm doing better at letting go of my restrictive habits and attitudes around food but I still feel gross in my body. Issa work in progress.

The "nice guy" is a person who has this image of himself being a good person when really he is a people pleaser who thinks that just being nice to people will have them give him whatever he wants. He exchanges niceness not as base level human decency rather he does it to manipulate women into doing what he wants. He will be "nice" to you and do all of these things just to get in your pants, be possessive etc. And when you say "hey i'm not really interested in xyz," he isn't going to respect that boundary. He is going to lash out at you and call you a bitch, a whore, etc. and then complain about how all women are the same and how he is always friendzoned. That's why "nice" is in quotes. Because a "nice guy" isn't actually nice at all. He isn't even a good man which is why people try to avoid him like the fucking plague. A good man in this same position will think "that sucks, let me go process my emotional feelings for a little bit and appreciate the friendship for what it is, just friendship. Because I still like being around this person and I wasn't just trying to be her friend to get into her pants"

Things like bitterness and entitlement comes from things like constructed power dynamics, privilege, and systemic violence being normalized. It's important to call out those power dynamics and the things that cause them to exist if we ever want to progress both collectively and individually. Having these discussions is the very thing that alleviates these tensions because it gives justice to those who are treated as second class citizens.

I'm talking about how we have been socialized differently. If this behavior is the product of learned behavior and socialization, that by definition means that it isn't something that is innate or inherent to a person.

I feel like you're looking at this in a very individual light rather than looking at this in a collective system. Yes people of all genders suck. But our behaviors don't exist in a vacuum and are influenced by culture and society, particularly on how that society views men and women. I never said that one gender is inherently worse. I'm just saying that the way that society has conditioned men into thinking they are owed everything is a big problem and explains why men get so butthurt and bitter over being friendzoned to where they develop "nice guy" syndrome. Women don't have this same mechanism because we are taught to respect people's boundaries and be more considerate with other people. Women get friendzoned. They might get upset and sad about it but they just don't bitch and moan about being friendzoned to where they take it out on other people. And don't even get me started on the whole false accusations thing....