soos_mite_ah

Literally nothing is more exciting to me than a man who is stable and has is life together. And whose to say that being stable means you aren't emotional? And again:

During the first date I did offer but he insisted saying that he invited me out and that he really wanted to pay. The next few dates he went ahead and paid faster than I could really say anything (I was just awkwardly sitting there with my credit card on hand only to awkwardly put it away). In the most recent date, I told him that I appreciate what he was doing and that I wanted to return the favor as a way to show my appreciation and to show that I cared and he replied with "ok, you can do that next time, but for now I got this." He never got upset about any of this. I am comfortable with having a conversation about this going forward just to check in with how he is doing in our next date.

I mean wanting to sleep around isn't inherently unhealthy. There are lots of people who do that for the sake of exploration or to simply satisfy their sexual needs until they feel ready for a relationship. It's just that there is a common cultural narrative of men seeing women as conquests and wanting to have a high body count so that they can have a dick measuring contest with their friends. Obviously, this isn't a healthy reason to try to sleep around and can cause men to behave rather disrespecfully.

Idk. Boring became fascinating. I went from liking really out there sex to sex that was controlled and slow. Boring sex. With 'boring' guys. Boring would purify me. Also this only works with a conscious ultra masculine manly man. I mean, you can be stable and be interesting. You can also be highly neurotic/toxic and boring as well. I don't see why it would be one or the other unless you find unhealthy behaviors as simulating and worth your time. And that isn't an woman thing, that's an unhealthy person thing. Like tends to attract like.

Wouldn't someone being low in neuroticism make them more likely to be comfortable with expressing and regulating emotions rather than supressing them?

Granted this might be because of the discourse at this time but what kind of solutions does this kind of mentality deliver? We don't live in a society where we have to kill or do anything brutal and if anything using brual/ unempathetic means can cause more harm than good so I am confused as to what kind of dirty work you are mentioning. Again, going back to current discourse, a lot of people argue that much of the reasons why men have difficulty forming healthy relationships with women is because of their lack of intimate and close relationships with other people, especially other men since they often bully one another to be stoic. And if we want to talk about the successful sociopaths and psychopaths, most of those people tend to fall under the category of petty criminals or people that a lot of people don't want to associate with. There are a handful that know how to use their tendencies to become really successful but they are successful despite their sociopathy, not because of it. And even when they are successful, often times it isn't something sustainable. Also I agree with the notion that all empathy is not good. I remember reading about how there is a darker side to empathy where people can use their understanding of others to hurt and manipulate them more effectively. And no, I don't think that relationships are the only survival mechanism but I think knowing how to deal with people and yourself effectively by knowing how to be aware of your own emotions, regulate them, and communicate in a healthy way is a crucial part of being a well adjusted adult.

He is a hard worker and he can be head strong (but so far I haven't seen this manifest in an unhealthy way). He does have a better picture of what he's wanting to do with his life than I do and he seems to be working towards it steadily. He did share this anecdote once on how he tried to invest in stocks but it backfired on him and how that taught him to be more responsible with money. He is also pretty spontaneous and impulsive for better and for worse. For better in the sense that he is comfortable with taking a healthy amount of risk and just generally enjoying himself. For worse in the sense that it has led him to get in trouble for really dumb, albeit harmless, reasons (i.e. practical jokes that got a little out of hand unintentionally when he was growing up). Lol, I think it's more along the lines of I'm learning to live a little and he's learning to respect money. I think out of us two, I tend to be on the stingier side. I find it interesting that this reading is talking so much about money. He's been paying for all of the dates so far and that has been causing me to reflect more on my relationship with money since I'm not used to being treated this way and it feels a little awkward. I also think that this relationship is developing in a very slow and steady pace since both of us are relatively inexperienced with dating and getting into relationships.

Can you expand on this more? Don't you think that also harms male relationships, platonic or otherwise? Because to me, a lack of empathy and a lack of rationality go hand in hand. Empathy is a rational response because it yields to productive, healthy, and fulfilling interactions.

How do you describe treating someone in a rational manner?

I've just been skimming the comments so feel free to call me out if I misinterpreted something from reading too fast lol. I feel that just in general, a lot of people on here tends to be rather misanthropic and assume that other people aren't conscious enough. Granted just as a society we have a long way to go but healthy relationships and dynamics that are fulfilling and help you grow aren't some kind of magical unicorn. Also, can we please let go of the false dichotomy of women/femininity being emotional and men/masculinity being rational? It over simplifies people into rigid roles without leaving room for nuance or a personality. It also reinforces a lot of harmful belief that can be along the lines of *it isn't masculine to be emotional* or *women are crazy and can't be grounded when expressing emotions.* And those notions can lead to a lot of negative consequences that I don't think needs to bear repeting on here.

I know I'm a little late to the conversations but I just watched the video and I have my own thoughts on it. Almost everyone talks about how good communication is essential in keeping a relationship but often times I feel that most people don't know what even consists of good communication. And I think this video does a good job at illustrating some of the aspects of healthy communication. Self Awareness: In order to be able to articulate your feelings and experinces, you need to first be able to identify what they are in the first place. And I think this couple did a good job at that by sitting with their emotions, labeling them, and putting a number on the scale on it to figure out which is the dominant emotion that is at play. I also love on how Annie was able connect her past experiences to what she was experiencing in the present as context of the situation and as a way of reflecting and slowing down instead of for instance lashing out or acting at the heat of the moment. Vulnerability, Safety, and Honesty: Though this video I feel show vulnerability in an extremely soft and emotional way, I don't think that is the only way that vulnerability can manifest in communication. To, vulnerability isn't always a soft fuzzy thing rather it is something that can be incredibly strong and foundational in a conversation or dynamic. A lot of vulnerbility has to do with honesty and feeling comfortable around a person to show up authentically and knowing that when you do that the other person is going to respect it and give you space to experience what you're experiencing. That can mean a variety of things ranging from validating the other person's emotions by mirroring their words back to them to help them self reflect, sitting with them as they explore and figure things out, listening actively, and setting / respecting boundaries. I can see a lot of those things in this video which I think its great. Letting the other person explore within the conversation: I don't think you need to walk into every vulnerable conversation knowing exactly what you're going through. Sometimes you can explore those emotions together and it can help having another set of eyes looking at you and your situation since they might pick up on something you might not have. For me personally, I like to have some degree of alone time to identify what I'm feeling and going through so I have something to work with when I'm talking to someone. Other people might be comfortable with going through the emotions in real time while talking about it. And that is ok. Whatever helps you learn about yourself and about your situation the best. Making the other person the priority: I do like how Eben talked about how it's important to be present and give someone their full attention during these types of situations. Not only does it help the other person feel valued but it also helps you pay attention to the situation. Also, I think it just goes without saying that if you consider yourself friends with someone, in a relationship or whatever, that this is just basic human decency and respect to care about other people and empathize with them instead of being dismissive or distracted. I think for me personally, I do appreciate the video for what it is which is a good example of healthy communication. But at the same time I don't find myself resonating with the style. This couple does have a woo woo, new agey style, nothing wrong with it but it might not be everyone's cup of tea and that's ok. This isn't a critique about their presentation but I do think they have an audience in mind, which is other new agey people. I just think that this type of interaction, when broken down, is more common than one might think from watching this video. I know that I have a similar dynamic with most of my friends in that we have a degree of self awareness, we value one another, we feel emotionally safe with one another, we can be vulnerable when talking about our feelings and expereinces, and we're honest with each other. But it doesn't play out with us going through body awareness exercises and rating our emotions on a scale of 1 to 10. If that's a tool that helps other people be more intuned with themselves, that's great, just not my thing lol. You can definitely exhibit self awareness without running through that particular process. You can definitly be this vulnerable without having it be this soft. I also want to talk about the style of this because personally I get the impression that stage green tends to be pigeon holed into this hippy, new agey stereotype when the stage can have just as much diversity and range as stage orange for example. I don't think that these types of interactions are a rarity but if you look for it in the specific form of this particular style, it can look kind of out there. This is going to be nitpicky but I do want to highlight this point that might get lost in all of this. When Eben was like "your saddness is beautiful," it did rub me the wrong way just a tad bit. It wasn't so much to where I was uncomfortable with it since I knew the context of the situation rather it was more along the lines of *this might be something to note and be a little cautious of in other circumstances.* The reason why this didn't set off alarm bells and I can acknowledge that I am being a bit nitpicky is that this was said with the intention of making the other person feel safe in their emotional expression, that they have the space to be authentic, and that they are loved and accepted in this experience. But that phrase did make me think of something which is how some people tend to romanticize negative emotions and that didn't rub me the best way. Again, I don't think this was Eben's intention given the context but I do think it's beneficial to point it out. Personally, I think it's a healthier approach to say something along the lines of "what you're feeling is valid and it's ok to feel this way and talk if you are comfortable. I appreciate that you feel comfortable with sharing this with me."

@seeking_brilliance No worries ! Happens to all of us. Take your time and take care of business. There’s no rush

@seeking_brilliance are you still doing tarot readings or just taking a break? I'm so sorry, i don't mean to be rude and you certainly don't have to if you don't want to, but I'm really just curious about my tarot reading. I really don't want this to come off the wrong way

Does anyone know anything about this??? Seems pretty exciting https://earthsky.org/astronomy-essentials/earthskys-meteor-shower-guide/#:~:text=ALERT%3A Scientists are predicting a,best in a dark sky.

1. Tell me about this guy that I'm currently dating? (Just curious to see what comes up for fun lol) 2. How is my life going to unfold after December 2022? What are my career prospects and how am I going to deal with family, moving, friendships etc?

I think when it comes to family, it isn't super uncommon for people to feel like they can act out more. This could be for a variety of reasons and since idk, there isn't much I can say for sure but at least from my observations, a lot of how we react in the context of relationships have to do with the dynamics that have already been set up. For example, something a stranger does might not piss you off but it a family member did the same thing, you might lose your shit if the family member set up a combative and argumentative dynamic where that type of communication is acceptable. Another thing that also comes to mind is how some people feel like they can get away with anything because there is this assumption of lack of boundaries and this notion that you can do anything to family and they are still required to be loyal to you. I'm not saying that's you but it can indicate the over all social environment in a family and how yall collectively function. I'm just putting some thoughts out there, not necessarily trying to put it in your situation exactly. I think whether your ego is fragile in this case has more to do with how you regulate your emotions rather than those emotions coming up in the first place. To a certain extent (and by that I mean as long as you aren't in stage red going around acting like Maddy from Euphoria) I think getting angry at disrespect is a symptom of a healthy ego. I feel like spirituality sometimes tends to demonize the ego and try to make it as small as possible and to reduce it so it in turn reduces suffering. While that can be valid, sometimes it can turn into avoiding all pain and negative emotions in general (which is why spirituality can attract broken people who are tyring to emmerse themselves into something to fix themselves and their lives). But imo, that isn't the healthiest way to live and can lead to a lot of spiritual bypassing. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think that you have a fragile ego by feeling disrespected and wanting to act on it rather I think that it's perfectly normal to feel this way and it isn't something to be avoided or dealt with necessarily. As for limitting beliefs, I think it can be beneficial to address those and work through it so that you can minimise the sensitivity to these comments and occurances. But i will say that there is a good chance that you will still feel a degree of anger towards these occurances even if you deal with the sensitivity. Addressing the sensitivity can only help you regulate your emotions, it won't stop it from coming up. I mean, looking at all of this, I don't think that your emotional response is out of the ordinary. I would have been much more concerned if one of the items on the list were along the lines of you getting angry when someone is setting a boundary for example. The only thing that I would try to contemplate on is the notion of being uneducated. What does it mean to be uneducated and how does that contridict with being respected? Because even if you are uneducated or uninformed about something, you still deserve to be treated with basic human respect and not be looked down upon.

I mean, I think it depends on the context. It's perfectly normal, and even necessary to feel some kind of anger when you are being disrespected. Anger as an emotion tells us where our boundaries are and what we need from a situation by reacting negatively towards what is not for our good. Now, what determines how healthy this anger is #1 how you go about regulating and expressing the anger and #2 to what extent is it pointing towards our highest good. If anger is a more consistent thing, it can be a good idea to check in with yourself regarding what consistent element is causing the anger. Maybe there is a pattern or a type of person, or a certain environment that is really not meshing with you well and that is eroding you slowly to where there is more negtivity emotionally. Because things like bitterness and resentment (not saying that's exactly what you're expecting, idk what's happening in your head) aren't things that come up in an instant rather it is things that build up over time. Since I don't know the context of this situation, I am going to be giving pretty general advice so this may or may not be helpful. First, it's important to understand why you feel angry, what's triggering it, and to what extent does it make sense. Then, after identifying that, you could decide to further go into yourself if it's a personal issue that is being triggered by past traumas or experiences, or you can go more externally where you set boundaries with the people disrespecting you. It's important to do the later during a time when you have gotten a chance to calm down or do it preemptively (i.e. instead of getting annoyed and angry over time, let someone know something is bothering you the first time it happens instead of waiting for the second or third time when you really get pissed off). When you're having this conversation with someone, it's best to not assume ill will right off the bat. Instead of focussing on accusing someone, focus on how you feel about the situation and relize this is one way of looking at it. Sometimes people do things that can look disrespectful without meaning to do hurt anyone so it's important to go into these conversations with a calm and open mind. Then set the boundary. Depending on how the conversation goes, this can go one of two ways. One way is that yall collaborate and find ways to understand each other and come up with a solution, or another way is that this person gets offended and starts getting combative. If it's the later, you know this person is doing this intentionally and that's even more of a reason to have some strong boundaries and maybe even distance youself from this person if it is an option. If it's the former, well you still get your boundaries because the other person is respecting them. Since a lot of how people deal with conflict and anger has to do with the situation, I think it would be really helpful if you included some examples of situations that are causing anger issues or just your history with dealing with anger. I know earlier in the thread you did mention that you had some people pleaser tendencies and I think that can be a factor in some of this but then again, it's difficult to tell since, again, don't have much context.

The Second Date So I went on the second date with U and I would say it went really well. It took us some time to go on this second date because I accidentally ghosted him due to me breaking my phone and my new phone taking forever to ship to me. He was pretty understanding of this situation since during the first date I did give the indication that my phone is malfunctioning therefore, if at any time I stop responding and go cold for a few days, that isn't me being a disrespectful asshole rather it is most likely my phone. We made light of the situation and then planned out our second date. We went to this barbecue place. I didn't think it through how messy the meal was going to be (I was just craving ribs lol) but honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. I was a little nervous before this date because I didn't want it to be awkward and be in the position where we run out of things to talk about. But thankfully, that didn't happen. I think we were both more comfortable with each other on this date because we know each other a little better and as a result it wasn't as awkward. I really enjoyed my time and even lost track of time for a moment so that's a good sign in my eyes. I also went into this date with the intention of bringing up what he was looking for and his past relationship history. I'm pretty sure that this guy is looking for something more serious instead of a hook up just by the way he is treating but still, it doesn't hurt to have things be explicit. But I didn't bring this topic up. Honestly, we just started talking about other stuff and the conversation flowed in different directions. It wasn't like we were trying to avoid the topic or anything. I still do think that this would be important to bring up but at the same time, I think it's a good sign that I felt like I could be present in this conversation and have it take it's course rather than me over analyzing and strategizing shit during this date. That's not to say that I'm not taking note of what he is saying and any potential red flags but much more that I don't catch myself clenching up and being hyper vigilant of these types of things. I think part of me feels that I can put my guard down to a certain extent around U since I did meet him through a trusted friend and because I have more of a context of what he is like. It's like because I met him through a friend, there is already some of that filteration work already done since if he can get along with my friend, chances are he and I have similar things and values in common since my friend and I have similarities. I would say this is so much better than me meeting people out in the wild lol. And just in general, I do tend to attract good people in my life as far as friendships go so in my mind, I feel like there is a good chance that I would meet other good men in that way. Speaking of attracting good people in my life, this is something that I have talked about in my main journal in a couple of posts: Overall, U seems like a bright green flag so far. I'm planning on seeing him tomorrow along with the friend he and I have in common so that should be fun.

Did you even read the post or replies lol? I try to remind myself that and honestly, thank you, I needed that. I remember I had a similar kind of panic wash over me when I was applying to colleges because, again, new phase of life and more responsibilities. And things turned out ok despite the financial bullshit that was thrown at me over the last few years especially with the pandemic. LMAOOO mood.

So I'm going to graduate college in December and I'm going to be applying to jobs during this summer. There is a huge part of me that is panicking becaue I don't know if I will be able to afford basic necessities and if I can move out of my parent's house even if I get a decent job. Everything is getting more and more expensive. Also, I'm not sure if I can get a job that I will even like. I'm not expecting my job to be this all grand life purpose that is going to fulfill all of my dreams and make me feel fulfilled in my life. I'm a big believer on finding fulfillment in other areas of my life instead of labor. I just want something that I can tolerate and that will help me have peace of mind and financial stability. I don't want to work upwards of 60-80 hours of week (I'm mentioning this because a lot of people who graduate from the program I'm in go on to work in things like investment banking and consulting that pay well but also work you to the bone to where you are burnt out and have no life). I've been stressed and/or burnt out for years at this point and sometimes it feels like there isn't an end in sight. I've always either been stressed out with school or I've been stressed out with my home environment and I can't really remember a time when my life wasn't like this. I don't want to keep living like this. And I don't think living with my parents for a few years to save money is an option unless I'm willing to crack my sanity like a glow stick like I did like a year ago which landed me into grippy socks jail for a few days and took me out of college for a couple of semesters. That's another thing, I know that I'm planning on cutting my parents off once I get a job and get on my feet but not having that financial support is freaking me out to where I am tempted to keep them in my life despite the shit they put me through. And I know it doesn't help to think about the past but sometimes I catch my mind drifting into the reality that my dad faced when he first immigrated to the U.S. where he was able to support himself, graduate college debt free, and have a decent amount of savings on MINIMUM WAGE. Meanwhile I'm here wondering if my potential job in corporate America will let me pay the bills. I stg if this was the 80s or some shit I would have moved out of my house in a heart beat once I turned 18 and cut them off without a second thought. I also sometimes feel like I don't have much to look forward to as it will be likely that I'm not going to be able to afford to have a family when I get older given how wages are stagnating and how I don't want to raise a child in poverty and I mean.... owning a home is a fucking fantasy at this point. I'm not really looking to settle down immediately after college so this is something that is kind of in the back of my mind, but it isn't the most pressing issue imo. But just knowing I would have that kind of option would have been nice. Also, rising rent prices is freaking me out since I always wanted to move out of Dallas and go else where into a larger city. I didn't do that because of college and I technically didn't have the option to because I didn't want to get into student loan debt by going somewhere out of state. It's like all of my goals in life have to be comprimised because of affordability and while I'm okay with things taking time and facing delays, again, it feels like there isn't an end in sight because of how shit is going. TLDR: I have 99 problems and having a fuck ton of money livable wage under good working conditions would probably solve like 80 of them.

@thisintegrated Everything except the N came out kind of towards the middle tbh. Don't know if that means anything. Honestly, I don't have a fucking clue. I have been forced to take this test a few times from school/work and I think MBTI is stupid because people act differently in different contexts and personality isn't a static thing.

wtf lol.... yeah I'm not any of those things lmao... ok so i looked through this and the only things that resonate are "hard to manipulate" and "have a threatening aura." But there are literally so many of these that I'm sure that if anyone were to scroll through, they'd find something they'd resonate with.

what are the stereotypes associated with being an ENTJ?

This happened to me once even though I wasn't planning on going home with the guy. I had a few drinks and I guess I was more outgoing and coming off as more flirtatious as I normally do. I had one of my friends come in and then we all went home together. The nex morning we were just going over the events of the following night and that friend was basically like *hey, i didn't know how many drinks you had but you were acting a bit out of the ordinary and you just met this guy and I didn't want you to get snatched up at that state or have anything happen to you.* She then went on to ask about if I ever gave this guy my number to which I replied no. She was then like *oh, he was cute and yall seemed like yall were having a good time* to inquire more about that whole interaction out of curiousity to which I explained that I was enjoying the conversation but wasn't really into him to where I wanted to sleep with him or go on a date with him. Also, I had to explain that my drunk personality is generally really cheerful, outgoing, and sometimes on the touchier side (i.e. more open to hugs from strangers, giving light nonsexual touches etc.). This friend knows me pretty well and I know she has good intentions. This was the first time that she saw me around alcohol since I don't really drink and she didn't know what my tolerance was like, to what extent I was still in control of that situation, or what I'm generally like at that state. She just wanted to be on the safer side because that's better than having some type of tragedy occur. And even though I was fine, I do appreciate the extra degree of caution as there can be a lot of sketchy and predatory creatures out there.

I really feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Part of me feels that if I had a healthy family that just sucking up the next few years to save up money from whatever job I get (whether it is something enjoy or not) would be the route that I would take. Again, I'm not opposed to things taking time and facing delays, but in my case particularly, my home life isn't good for this kind of move. On the flipside even if I had a bad home life, if economically things were more stable and there were more laws regarding working conditions, I think in my head there would be a way out of my home life that I wouldn't be freaking out about. I think it's the combination of a bad home life and a fucked up economy that is weighing on me whereas if it was an either or kind of situation, I wouldn't be as pressed. I pretty much lock myself in my room whenever I'm back home. It's kind of depressing but it's bareable and it's much better than the alternative. Or I try to come up with excuses to stay outside of the house by working or being with friends so that I would encounter my parents less. Currently I'm doing an internship I don't particularly like so that I can stay away from my parents even though I'm burnt out. Yeah... that's another thing, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to figure out a roommate situation if I do plan to move out of my area after college. The logistics of moving if that is what I choose to do is a whole nother stressor tbh but I'm planning on not focussing on that since this is pretty much a hypothetical at this moment.