soos_mite_ah

I can't believe that I'm at a point where my lists are so short because I have most of my life taken care of as of now. I still remember about a year and a half ago when my life was an absolute mess and I had like 30 items on a list. It feels so good to come this far and see this much progress in this journal. Even though the two issues above are pretty big (not seeeing blogging as an issue rather it is something to keep in mind), I still feel like I'm in a very solid place emotionally. I would do another to-do list but I don't think I can have another until after I start my next phase of my life once I get a job and move out of my parents' house.

So I feel like I'm going through a phase where I'm not super into philosophy or spirituality. I consciously took a step back from spirituality after I noticed it was taking me into an unhealthy place and decided that I needed to work on some more foundational things first. I used to be into philosophy when I was in my mid teens or so but I feel like since then I put my energy towards reflection, self awareness, and things like therapy to work on myself and have a more accurate world view rather than studying different schools of thought or philosophers for example. I feel like I have a pretty rich life and that I have found other things that interest me, that keep me curious about the world, and that challenge my ability to think criticially outside of the conventional notions of philosophy. I can see myself dipping back into more existential questions and thoughts later in a couple years or so but I was wondering what y'all thought about it: Did you go through a phase in your self development/actualization journey where you didn't care about philosophy or spirituality but still saw the value in it? Is philosophy and spirituality essential in a meaningful life if you have outlets in different places? If so, what are your outlets and how do they create meaning for you or grow you? How do you personally go about approaching philosophy and spirituality and how do you think it impacts your world view?

I wouldn't really say a subconscious fear rather it's just not my thing at the moment at least. I think my interest in philosophy waned after I took a philosophy class in high school and didn't really enjoy it. I personally found it both dense in content while also detached because of the amount of theorizing. I feel that for me personally, it is important to have some philosophy under a person's belt because it helps with reasoning skills and self questioning, but nothing beats personal experience and learning to be and move through the world in a self aware and emotinally intelligent way. In other words, it isn't experience just to experience rather it is experiencing different things in life and being mindful of what you're going through so that you get the most out of it intellectually and emotionally. I feel like my interest in spirituality is dormant since I've been taking a break from it for a year and a half. I do dip my toes back into it every now and then and I feel like I am in a much better place now to integrade spiritual lessons and concepts in a healthy way. However, while I am in a better place right now, I don't find myself being pulled towards it at the moment but I can see that changing as I create a more solid life for myself and things chill out for me a bit in my life. I'm currently dealing with a heavy course load in college, I'm going to be graduating in this December, I need to figure out the next stage of my life regarding working and finances, and I am dealing with some things regarding family right now (I'm planning on distancing myself from them but I need to be financially on my feet first plus this does come with emotional baggage as well). I am also involved in my different passions as well as prioritizing my friends and significant other in my life. And in the meantime, I try to carve out time for myself to take care of my physical and mental health so that I'm not constantly running around and burning myself out. I do this by working out, going to therapy, meditating, meditating, among other forms of self care so that I can better tackle other areas of my life.

Yeah.. I'm currently finding a lot of value from developing close quality relationships with friends, studying things that interest me, and figuring out my career and how to deal with life on my own after I graduate (i.e. finances, work life balance, finding a fulfilling career that suits my desired life style). Also, the misanthropy is something that I don't really get on this forum and how people like to paint social interaction as all superficial and just monkey chatter. I feel like that has more to do with a person's absense of quality relationships and knowing how to form healthy bonds more than it has to do with painting humanity with a broad stroke of superficiality. Yes, a lot of people aren't super developed, but especially if you consider yourself to be stage green+, I think it really shows how deep you are into those stages based on your ability to relate to people, deal with them, and see the humanity in them so that they can grow and live fulfilling lives rather than sitting on a high stage if that makes sense. As I am typing this out and reflecting on this topic after I made this post, I really do find myself more like a social scientist rather than a philosopher or sage if that makes sense. Maybe this has to do with my personal path to self actualization more than anything but I thought that I'd just put this out there.

Ego Development Check Pt. 2 I reread the paper on the 9 stages and rewatched Leo's videos about them. I'm not going to go through those with a fine tooth comb as I did with my posts in the past both for the sake of my lack of time and brevity in which I want to keep my post at. I find my center of gravity mainly being at the construct aware stage. I caught myself relating to a lot of it when it came to reading about in and watching Leo's video on it. I still find myself feeling the same way when it comes to the strategist stage but I find that the things I relate to on that stage are the things that are also found in the construct aware stage. I would put my center of gravity at like 70% construct aware and 30% strategist. These are rough numbers, because this isn't something you necessarily quantify. I just want to illustrate a point lol. I feel like I outgrew many parts of the strategist stage when it comes to the weaknesses of that stage such as wanting people to evolve faster, feeling lonely in my development, having and ego around one's development etc. as I worked through the issues I was having with stage yellow. Not to toot my own horn or anything but I find that as I get further into stage yellow or the strategist and construct aware stages that the more I am able to find solutions around the short comings of those stages and the more I can essentially ease into it and get more comfortable with that stage, therefore integrating it and embodying it more. I also decided to look into the unitive stage while I was figuring out where I was in the construct aware and strategist stages. I avoided doing this before because of the way that I had an unhealthy relationship with spirituality and how I was basically doing too much to quickly. I took a step back from spirituality like in 2021 and after looking at the unitive stage, I think I'm at a place where I can revisit these concepts in a healthy way now that I have a better foundation emotionally, spritually, and experiencially as it relates to my life experiences. I feel like I can understand the unitive stage better now with my stronger foundation but I will say that I get it more intellectually rather than emotionally. I'm definitely not at the stage of embodiment lol. It kind of reminds me of something I wrote in the past about the construct aware stage: I think for me going forward I'm at a place where I really don't want to rush through the stages. I never had that impulse but before, this desire to not rush came from a place of not wanting to get too ahead of myself and backslideing. Now, it's more of me wanting to slow down and enjoy myself and "burn through karma" as Leo talks about in his videos. I have detailed some of the karma I want to burn through in previous posts and the things I find meaningful and enjoyable in my life so I won't get into here. But as far as continuing to work on a foundation, I would say that I need to figure out my career both in terms of providing for myself as well as figuring out what the right path is for me and I guess ~~**what my purpose is **~~.

List of Fears, Insecurities, and Triggers Idk, I just felt like writing about this. Just wanted to take stock of somethings and write them down. Fears: Woman's Issues threat of violence hate crimes for any identity I have men at times (i.e encountering one when walking home in the middle of the night) rape in general but especially getting drugged and raped or being a victim of sex trafficking stalking and/or becoming famous (don't like having eyes on me like that) Family/ Socioeconomic Status Related my parents dying getting pregnant (especially in Texas) + being pregnant + giving birth being stuck in my home environment being poor and the physical and mental toll it can take being overworked at my job to where I feel my life eroding away from me physically and spirituallly job interviews to a certain extent (it's not a paralyzing fear but I do get nervous) gaining weight Minor inconveniences: bugs and snakes loud noises needles (getting vaccines or my blood drawn) most horror movies public speaking death especially a painful one (this goes without saying but i'm putting in the minor inconvenience category since this isn't the forefront of my mind) Insecurities: Body issues: my discoloration around my mouth and under my eyes my weight my stomach my arms and legs on how they are both muscular and not super lean my round face my little back rolls that only I notice how i compare to the other girls in my school as far as size goes Career: how I under performed in college and how that will impact my ability to get a good job that pays enough and has benefits my lack of experience my GPA Relationships: my decision to leave my family sometimes when it comes to being the main person to reach out being completely alone platonically: this isn't as much of a concern because I feel like I'm in a pretty solid place but I do wonder how would react to that situation now compared to where I was in 2020 ish. dating or approaching someone who I think is out of my league physically Triggers; Family Members (a whole can of worms) Small children who aren't super well behaved: this is less about me being #triggered and me not knowing how to handle them and how that triggers some anxieties I had when I was younger. my boyfriend being really thoughtful: this isn't a bad thing rather I'm not used to it so I end up crying happy tears or get really emotional being in the position where I have to sacrifice my physical and mental health for work Signs of weight gain (clothes fitting tighter, taking pictures, comments from certain people) other people's unwashed dishes + dirty kitchens going to the doctor

Ego Development Check October 2022: Closing thoughts: September 2021: I have done a good job at dealing with a lot of the remaining hang ups of the pluralist stage. Still need to look into epistemology more and tbh I am finding myself naturally going in that direction especially with a lot of my course work this semester. I also still need to figure out my career path and my life purpose which is well on the way. I think over all, being in the strategist/ construct aware stage is a good place to be given where I'm at in my life and given that I'm not planning on delving into psychedelics or deep existential questions soon sorting out a stable foundation for my life. I just have to do clean up work and check in with myself to deal with any hang ups that might arise every now and then from the lower stages. Going forward I need to: Sort out my career Deal with my unhealthy stage green coping mechanisms/ deal with my depression and existential crisis around these dystopian times Look into epistemology more Do the psychological clean up whenever my lizard brain acts up October 2022: Still need to sort out my career and the rest of my external life. I think that should sort out my hang ups in the lower stages. Oh how I'm enjoying my frontal lobe developing

Spiral Check October 2022 I do these once every six months or so and it's about that time since the last time I did this was back in early April. And to me, I would characterize my "head empty, no thoughts* era as one where I stop ruminating about things and just let myself be in the present moment. It's also about me making the conscious decision to not stress or overthink and overanalyze things because at some point, it doesn't produce anymore insights rather it just becomes a marathon of mental gymnastics that leaves you exhausted mentally and emotionally. And at this point, I would say it's fairly easy for me to meditate for a lengthy amount of time and see it something that is purely restful rather than something that I need to work at. If anything, I need those *head empty, no thoughts* part of my day to function as a person lol. I don't think I have "transcended the mind." I wouldn't dare say that I have dealt with the issues that come with stage yellow sufficiently enough to be beyond that stage. Part of me wonders if I am actually dealing with this or if this is a response to me being mentally exhausted by the stuff going on in the world and just being a university student who is ready to graduate instead of being surrounded by information 24/7. I will say that being at stage green/yellow through my college years has caused me to take in a lot academically and find a lot of fulfillment in being a student. I feel like if I was at any other shade of the other stages or if I came to college prematurely that it just wouldn't hit in the same way. Another part of me wonders if this is me hitting some type of stage yellow wall that is coinciding well with me transitioning into life after college. I guess only time can tell and that I graduate and go into this next stage of my life to see if this is manifesting in a healthy way or if this is just me dissassociating from information overload. Because tbh, when I think of emptying my mind and how I sometimes feel when I do it, I feel like this clip from Spongebob and I highly doubt that's highly consicous stage turquoise lol. https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/VideoExamples/MentalWorld#video-link October 2022: I think my "head empty, no thoughts" era has done me a lot of good in terms of not hyperanalyzing things and letting myself be more in the moment while engaging with mainstrem(ish) culture. I will say that this was a by product of the burnout I was experiencing the last time I was writing this. But that doesn't make that era any less valid or healing. However, I do think that I have largely moved passed this "head empty, no thoughts" era to where I can think without hyperanalyzing. And it has made my thinking process much more clear and precise. I also think I'm passed wanting to keep analyzing and I think I'm ready to move on from university and research life. I have crossed off the above as a result. However, I will say that I can take it one step further when it comes to embracing my spontaneity since I have a tendency to overthink things at times but that's another topic tbh. Can invent futuristic solutions that aren't pragmatic. Looks good on paper but can't actualize (1:40:18). Can't finish something because they have so many ideas and visions (1:40:34) September 2021: I need to really commit to a life purpose and address my ADHD. That's a whole thing on it's own that I plan to work through once I get out of this depressing/ self loathing slump. April 2022: Again, since I'm in my *head empty, no thoughts* era, I can't really say I'm at a place where I am inventing futuristic solutions. I still feel like I have a lot to learn as far as things like work experience and life experience goes before I can reach the expertise to do something like that. I don't think this has to do with a lack of commitment to my purpose or issues with my ADHD now that I'm no longer in the same depressing/self loathing slump I was at a few months ago. October 2022: I honestly need more life experience before I get into this . That 's it.

Thought this will be helpful here:

How I see my life in a year or so: Think of this as a list of things I am ~~**manifesting**~~ Have a job that supports me and have some savings + additional financial literacy figure out investments + savings + budgetting Not chronically online Maintain and deepen current relationships both platonically and romantically Get clearer regarding what I want out of my career + figure out my next move Do I want to or need to go to grad school? If so for what? What industry do I want to work in ? What kind of job and lifestyle suits me and my current place in my life? Partake in my hobbies regularly + volunteering writing, tutoring, exploring my interests etc. Continue to exercise regularly have a gym membership and a few classes you go to Rest and recuperate physically and mentally by having good boundaries and having a fullfilling but not overly full life so I have time to myself deal with my adrenal fatigue regarding family and school invest in active and passive rest Go on another trip travel with friends, significant other, or solo Get clearer on what I want out of my life given the stability I have created for myself I have a good life now, but what does a great life look like? What does a healthy amount of challenge and purpose look like for me specifically? How do I finance these goals if life style changes are applicable (i.e. ideal place of living, moving to a new place, savings etc.)? Finding friends who push me to grow

I have so many thoughts about this and reflections regarding my own reflections but it's going to take me a minute to put it all down becaues of my current schedule. I can't wait to write about this here. EDIT: I'm going to jot some general thoughts down here so that I will know where to start when I start writing: Personally I identify as a general socialist in the way that I believe that we need to have things like universal health care, better access to higher education, and a basic standard of living for people. I'm not so well versed on the theory to where I find myself or my positions cleanly aligning with terms like anarcho-socialist, democratic socialist, communist etc. I think that we can either waste out time fighting about ideological nuances or we can start acting from a general set of principals and common interests and then later on get nitpicky after we established some sort of foundation. Let's focus on getting universal health care first and then we can get into the nuances later on rather than nitpicking and dismissing people who can be on our side. My general issues with the left even prior to watching this video: leftist in fighting getting so deep into theory to where we don't think about implementation or how this could alienate regular people the classism, racism, and ecofascism that still exists in leftist circles, particularly in circles that looks down on conservatives and sees them as less than human demonization of business and just in general thinking that everything is super straight forward when it isn't how shaming racists does much more harm than good how engaging in certain kinds of discourse and dealing with certain kinds of people involves specific training and that because of that, it's important to know how to choose your battles. knowing that a well educated opinion isn't the same as a professional one because of things like personal experience in the micro aspects of a movement. There are some other issues that this video talks about particularly on nationalism, ambition/wealth, borders, security/police, and international relations that I feel like a lot of leftists, mainly people who loosely define themselves as such and/or have some what of an educational background around political science is on the same page on. For instance, I know a lot of leftists who believe in the *no one should be poor* brand of socialism rather than the *no one should be rich* brand of socialism. The general socialists that I have encountered were people who are still in support of borders, the military, and protecting security but can still critique it. The ones whom I've encountered that are straight up like *abolish all police, borders, and the military* with no nuance or elaboration are the ones who cling on to very specific labels like anarcho-communitst for example. Then finally thier is my personal background as a self identified leftist in Texas and my friend group of other leftists in the state and how I find that we tend to deal with a variety of things related to how to handle conservatives better and how generally we don't have nearly as much infighting amongst each other. I also went to a pretty wealthy conservative university that forced me to know how to deal with a variety of situations without leaving me in an echo chamber.

In no particular order raspberries avocado tomatos onions lychees

What Does the Next Chapter of My Life Look Like I was really thinking about this last night and what I want to prioritize after graduation this December. I feel like during this last chapter in my life from the age of like 18 to now 23 ish, the best way to describe it is that it was the chapter of my frontal lobe really developping. I sorted out much of my childhood trauma, got much better at emotional regulations and understanding where my judgements came from, got educated to where I would say that I have a more complex world view, created and maintained healthy habits from constructive mindsets, and I'm better at creating and maintaining healthy relationships both platonically and romantically among other things. I feel like I have a really good foundation internally so that I can navigate my world more efficiently and build on top of what I have right now. I've come to the conclusion that this next chapter of my life will be about rest and exploration. Here is what those things look like to me: Rest: It can be active or passive. I think it's important for me to take care of myself so that I have the peace and stability to be able to figure out what I really want from life. Plus, it helps me show up as my best self Active Rest: I like to think of active rest as investing. You begin to invest money when you have a little left over so that you can get more money in return. That's how I see energy in active rest. I engage in active rest not when I'm completely burned out rather it's when I'm tired but I still have some energy to do something. Might as well use that energy towards something that gives me more energy and fulfillment in return that will leave me feeling refreshed. Some of those things include: Physical Activitity Maintaining Healthy Relationships and making the time to spend time with people Engaging in Hobbies Self Education / Exploring My Interests Volunteering Doing Light Housework Therapy Passive Rest: Passive rest is what I think of as the foundation or the basics. These are things that need to be done on the regular but especially when I'm exhausted in order to take care of myself and avoid burn out. This is how you have energy in the first place Meditation Solid boundaries when it comes to work/school / taking time off when needed This also means getting a solid job that pays enough to where I can comfortably manage finances and being in a work environment that is healthy and respects said boundaries. Jobs that burn me out are not in the agenda This also includes getting out of my chaotic household and eventually cutting off my family. Having undivided attention when eating a meal Sleeping Showering Taking care of routine check ups/ going to the doctor when necessary Lighting Candles Doing My Skincare Routine Taking myself out for coffee I would also say that journalling and therapy is somewhere in the middle of passive and active rest. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Exploration: I think from that solid foundation of rest is where I can really be in touch with what I want and what I want to explore. I feel like my need to explore has to do with simply wanting to live my life and having a variety of interesting experiences that grow me and that are enjoyable much like my most recent travels. I think exploration can be tied to two different things, travel and career related stuff. This is going to be important for me to figure out how I want to eventually settle down and just living life while I have my youth and energy. Travel: This includes both travelling for a temporary trip as well as travelling to live in different places. This is something that I find myself getting a lot of growth, joy, and fulfillment from at the moment. And it's obvious that you can get a lot of life experiences and exploration both internally and externally from something like travelling. Career related: I don't see myself as being particularly career and finance oriented right now becase of the way that I am prioritizing rest. I feel like it's dificult for me to be driven when I am consistently on the verge of burn out. But I do think it's important for me to get into a stable office job that doesn't stress me out for the next couple years or so so that I would be able to have the time I need to explore my interests and see what is out there both in my industry as well as outside of it and other career paths. I don't want to dedicate myself to a job. I will use that job to get my needs met but that kind of loyalty is what I would give to a career or larger sense of purpose. It's similar to having a fwb vs having a committed long term relationship you see yourself married to. I don't see myself being locked into a career since I'm still exploring hence why I will be prioritizing the above on rest and travel.

Reflections From This Year 2022 The word for me that I decided to focus on this year was ~~**experience**~~ I have written in another entry about my thought process behind it and as I amin the last few months of 2022, I thought that I'd reflect on to what extent I have been able to focus on my word and how that has helped me grow. Current reflections are in blue.

@Roy I've been dealing with this issue for years now and I've been reflecting about this recently on how this is something that I finally have come to a resolution to in my own life. Idk to what extent it will resonate and to what extent it will help but I just thought I'd share this. I feel like a lot of this, granted there is no other drama or messiness involved, is a natural part of growing up. I think that especially when you're in your teens and twenties that people are incredibily dynamic in the way that everyone is growing at different paces, directions, and ways entirely. Because of varying factors ranging from our peer groups who lack life experience, to the way that movies and TV portray friendships, to the way that older people sometimes talk about friendships , there is this notion that friends are forever and your real friends will be the ones who stick with you til the end. I have personally found according to my life experience that this is not the case and honestly, you can have real, genuine, fulfilling connections and they might just drift a part for whatever reason that is not either of y'all's fault. Because again, everyone is growing in different ways and doing different thigns in their lives. And in my opnion, it's unfair that people should always stick to one another since we all deserve to grow into the people we're meant to become, even if it means that we grow apart. And just because you grow apart, doesn't mean you won't one day grow back together again. I've had friendships where I have gotten to a place where I had to go do my own thing for a few years and then reconnect with people. I have friend groups where we go through different seasons and different people are closer to others at different times. And just like the seasons, it circles back again. Just because a season with someone has passed doesn't mean that afterwards yall aren't close anymore and the relationship is dead. Rather, sometimes it means that it's an off season and you're better off nuturing other relationships or other areas of your life for a little while. I kind of had a similar issue as well and I still find myself sometimes feeling a little bitter when I find myself being the main one to reach out. But something that has helped me is voicing that concern by quite literally saying that "hey I really like hanging out with you and I feel like otherwise we have a healthy dynamic but I often find myself being the one that reaches out more often and that makes me uncomfortable at times because it feels unequal and I'm afraid of being in a situation where it's not reciprocal." And see what they say and how they react. If they were doing this unintentionally, they will start being the ones to reach out more often. The reason why it's sometimes unintentional is because sometimes we get used to a certain dynamic (i.e. you being the one to initiate) to where that feels like the norm and expectation and they just get into a pattern of eventually expecting you to reach out instead of feeling like they need to be more proactive about it. And it isn't anything about selfishness or expecting you to do all the work, sometimes it's about going along with a pattern that was previously established and not really made conscious. They most likely don't think you're a loser or that you're annoying. As far as obligations go, I apologize if this is too obvious, but I find that as I get older I have to full on slot people into my google calander as an appointment of sorts on a regular basis to ensure that I'm nurturing that relatinship (i.e. every Sunday at 6:30pm and on wards I'm talking to friend X on the phone or facetime). I'm pretty sure teenage me would see this as less spontaneous and kind of like an obligation and as a result less authentic but at this stage of my life, if anything I see this as pretty authentic as I am carving out time for a person on a regular basis. I wouold also look into your attachment style. Sure that whole thing is often refered to romantic relationships but honestly, I guess because of the way my life has gone, I have greatly benefitted from healing my attachment style particularly when it comes to platonic relationships. At the end of the day human relationships are human relationships and odds are if you are anxiously attached in romantic situations, some of that likely bleeds into your friendships as well.

Random Little Thoughts @RendHeaven @Etherial Cat @Raphael @Myioko @modmyth I know yall follow this journal but I still felt like tagging y'all since I haven't been posting much on here. Hello there ^ - ^ I haven't been posting much on this site in general much less my journals. I was super consistent in the past but life has just been happening this year. I haven't been forcing myself to journal as I have noticed that this tends to be rather counterproductive rather I have been accepting that I am in a season where I'm focussing on different things in my life and working on them in different ways. I have recently made a few posts in the last few days in my journal Self Development To Do List. That journal is a simple reminder of the things I am currently working towards regarding my self development so that I can keep my thoughts organized and so that I can break down larger goals into smaller more actionable items. And my last two posts or so have been me contemplating on how far I have come in my development since the time I started that journal back in March 2021. I've also just been thinking about in general how far I have come since the last year as this is my final semester in college and just a year ago it was my first semester coming back in person due to the pandemic. I feel like the main reason why I haven't been journalling all that much this past year is because this year I made it a priority to be less in my head and just go out and experience life tangibly whether it is making plans with friends, studying abroad, travelling, having a part-time internship, or focussing on my internship. Let's just say ya girl has been busy. I have had enough time to take care of myself thankfully and have some space to self reflect. However, I haven't had the most luck on translating that into paper. I don't really feel bad about it as I know what my schedule looks like and how my energy levels and priorities are currently lining up to it. Nevertheless, I am growing a lot as a person and I honestly feel like that frontal lobe is growing stronger and stronger everyday lol. And in prioritizing life experience over contemplation for this last year, I would say that I have grown considerably. I would say one aspect of my life that I have grown considerably in is in my relationships both platonically and romantically. I have exercised and really strengthened not only my ability to be vulnerable to people but also being vulnerable in appropriate times in order to ensure I have a healthy dynamic with them. In doing so, I was able to create strong and authentic relationships and I got help with some of the stuff I was dealing with in a very constructive way. I also learned about ways to maintain friendships especially as an adult when things can get busy and you have to be intentional about keeping in touch with people. I have branched out considerably since last year and met a lot of new and really good people. And for the first time, I am in a romantic relationship. This is a huge milestone for me and I think it's still pretty exciting even though I've been dating him for about 5 1/2 months now. I've really been getting to know myself and what kind of partner I am in different contexts. Most importantly of all, I think the ways that I have been handling the relationship with my boyfriend is really indicative of how far I've come as a person and I can really see a lot of my self development work really paying off and manifesting in this connection. Some of those ways include how direct my communication style is, how I'm able to set boundaries and manage my time, how secure my attachment style is, how patient I'm capable of being, and how I am still working on myself outside of this relationship etc. I think a lot of things have been going smoothly despite some obstacles I have come across relating to my schedule, work load, and travels. I have some more ideas as to what would be a good career choice for me going forward. I have talked to a few companies and I have been checking in with my friends who have graduated and entered the workforce to see how they were doing and what I could learn from them. I learned about the kinds of work I want to do more of and what I want to do less of. I learned about how important it is for me to actively interact with people in my job and how I can't do tasks that isolate me from others for a long period of time. I learned about how important the pacing of a work culture and job is to me in that it can't be so fast paced to where I'm always burnt out and exhausted and it can't be so slow paced that it's mindnumbingly slow. And finally, I have had time to think about what kinds of benefits are most important for me and the things I need to focus on when searching for employment. Plus, getting some work experience to help out my skinny legend of a resume is always a plus. And finally, not to sound cliche, but my study abroad program and the week I spent travelling after that really helped me get more sure of what I wanted in life. I feel like generally I'm always stressed about something. If it's not school, it's home and vice versa. And for once, I was able to get away from both of those things and think clearly. Not to mention getting out of the country was a big reset for me as well as the U.S. has been incredibly chaotic in the last few years. To put it shortly, it helped me think of what life is capable of being and what I want if all of my needs were covered (hence the previous post in this journal). I feel like that is such an important realization for me because for years I have been so focused on advocating for my needs that I never had the chance to ask myself what I wanted. I think it gave me some goals to reach for as well as something to really look forward to in my future which really helped with the numbness I was feeling for the last few years and the doomer spirals I would find myself falling into. I still see myself in the season of experiencing life more externally and externally building a strong foundation as of right now rather that being in a season of contemplation and doing inner work in that direction. Meaning, I don't think I will be journalling regularly just quite yet both on here and on my blog The Upward Spiral which I haven't updated in forever. But I will say, writing this all out and journalling after such a long time felt really nice.

Recognizing How Far I've Come I decided that I wanted to go through my previous entries to reflect on how far I have come and exercise self compassion to my past self. Comments from my current self in 9/17/22 is in red. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two posts above made me think back to how much shame I was carrying with me and how much I have cleaned up from my psyche. I feel like one of my largest points of growth in this past year or so has been in the dimensions of personal relationships and learning to be gentle with myself through self acceptance and by letting go of needing to have my life together at all times. I feel like I really opened myself up to vulnerablity in a very positive and constructive way. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two posts really makes me empathize with who I was last year and the heaviness I had to work through. Like I just want to go back and give my past self a hug and some reassurance by showing her how she resolved and processed all of these emotions less than a year later. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I feel like these two specific To Do Lists really set the foundation of how well this year has been going for me from a growth standpoint. I think I did a really good job at identifying action items that would give me the best pay off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I like the section on this list where I talk about the things that I made a point to maintain. I feel like I got a lot out of that and I'm proud of the discipline that I used and that grew within me to keep this up as consistent things in my life. And I belive that I'm at a point where I built up a lot of positive habits that I can maintain to ensure that the good things in my life are relatively solid rather than a product of luck where I don't know how to keep what I have been blessed with because I didn't work for it if that makes sense. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Another thing that I have been thinking about as I've been going through my old posts is how I have taken a break from the spiritual side of self development in order to build a more solid and healthy ego. I do want to get into spirituality more in the future once I have built a solid foundation for myself (and by that I mean have become independent from my parents, experienced some of the things I really find fulfilling in life, and become more financially stable). I can see myself doing that in the next few years. I have detailed those things down here: But I don't need to do everything I ever wanted before diving back into spirituality. Something that I found really important for me is to not give myself a set timeline and not rush having certain life experiences. You don't have to cram your entire lifetime and experiences into your 20s. I can see myself getting more into spirituality in the next 1-3 years or so incrementally.

@Tron why lol? I didn't say anything bad about him other than that it's taking me a minute to feel attraction and I'm trying to figure out where my sexuality falls under this. I mean, I enjoy being around him and we work well together.

So I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months because a friend set us up. I really like spending time with him and meets all of my standards. There is basically an abundance of green flags so I kept going on dates with him. The problem is, I’m still trying to figure out to what extent I like him because I’m not really attracted to him and he isn’t really my type. Also, he gives me this impression of being emotionally closed off. That’s really the only red flag I have noticed from him but he is pretty self aware about it. He also seems like the type of person who takes a while to get to know because of that. I think because of that and the attraction piece, there is a part of me that is hesitant about how I feel about him. We’ve been on roughly 6-8 dates at this point. I also have my doubts regarding to what extent he’s even attracted to me. Even after all these dates, we haven't done anything more than a kiss on the cheek. Which isn’t a problem and I get that we’re both moving slower because we’re both relatively inexperienced and a little awkward (honestly I think that’s healthier for me). He seems kind of stiff at times and normally I try to check in to make sure he’s comfortable with everything (and he usually is, he just feels like he gets caught off guard at times). I guess my problem is that I can’t really see myself doing anything more than a simple peck on the lips. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not attracted to him or if I’m still trying to get to know him. Anyways, today I went on a date with him and as usual it goes over well. He walked me to my car and asks me to be his girlfriend to which I respond with yes. I wasn’t really thinking in this situation and I was in a rush because my parents wanted to be home at a certain time so that was mainly on my mind. On top of that, I was in his arms and it felt vaguely romantic so I guess I was trying to play along with the situation. It wasn’t even that he was pressuring me or anything but it was something he wanted to talk about since I’m leaving the country tomorrow for a study abroad trip. Also, it caught me off guard a little because there was a part of me that was even doubtful on whether or not he was attracted to me. The good news is that after saying yes, I don’t feel this sinking feeling in my stomach or *oh shit I fucked up baaaad.* But at the same time it feels a little dishonest since I’m not entirely sure how I feel about him and whether or not I want to commit and as a result I do feel a little trapped. It’s similar to how you feel after you just agreed to something at work and you realized you might have accidentally taken on more than you can handle. but yeahhhh….. how do I handle this situation? Should I continue just going along as his girlfriend or should I have a conversation about my uncertainties? And if I should have the conversation, how do I go about it without sounding like an asshole?

My Main Life Goals So when I got to travel around a bit after my study abroad program, I finally got more space to think about what I actually wanted out of life because I wasn't stressed from school or from family. I jounaled about this in my private journal offline but I thought I'd just insert it here as well: Travel Around Live in a walkable area with good public transport Live/Settle in a Different Country (New Zealand) Create, Maintain, and Build strong friendships Have a fulfilling romantic relationship(s) and a good sex life Workout ambitions Have a kid and raise them well Be financially secure and make money to fund all of this (and figure out career ambitions eventually) Workout ambitions (things I want to get into): (Items on the bulletted lists that are bolded are things I'm focussing on now) Strength Training: Build muscle, max out on different machines, intimidate gym bros Ice Skating: A hobby I like Yoga: for meditative purposes and flexibility Pilates: It seems fun Spin: It seems fun Skiing: A hobby I like Hiking: Seems fun Pole Dancing: That’s impressive lol Having a kid and raise them well (once I'm like in my 30s or so (in other words not now or the near future)) Be financially secure Pick a good partner and have a solid relationship Have hobbies, a support group of friends, and somewhat of a settled down life outside of the U.S. Live a life well lived so you don’t have any regrets Educate yourself on how to raise kids Be educated, open minded, and prepared for anything Work through all of your trauma and break generational curses Have a fulfilling romantic relationship(s) and a good sex life: Have a starter relationship Try a polyamorous dynamic Have somewhat of a hoe phase and try out your kinks Settle down with someone you really like Feel safe exploring your sexuality (*cough* *cough* Roe v. Wade) Financial Goals: Buy a house or apartment in NZ Fund my travels Support myself with no problems Get independent from my family Have a few additional sources of income other than my main job for security purposes Retirement Emergency Funds Financial stability for my future family Fund my education if I want to pursue more Other random little things I want to do: Be fluent in Spanish Learn to speak Hindi Go on a few meditation retreats Experiment with psychedelics a couple times Actually read the books from your undergrad education Sky diving Bungee Jumping Write a couple books and keep blogging Get a few tattoos Travel Ambitions: More details in my personal journal (the one that are clustered are like a package deal as in when I go to Portugal, I'm going to hit up Spain and Morocco as well) Canada México Cuba Brazil Portugal Spain Morocco Greece Turkey Cyprus Maldives (might want to get on that before they sink) Sri Lanka India (Jaipur Trip) Nepal Pakistan Australia Japan South Korea Fiji Bali Thailand Next Time You Visit Family: UAE (abu dhabi + other experiences) Qatar Other things I want to see Amsterdam Again The Northern Lights/ Midnight Sun

Update: I decided to not have the conversation with him after I had a few days to calm down about all of this. I was still willing to give this a chance because there was something in my intuition telling me to do so. It was surprisingly easy for me to keep in touch with him during that month and a half and I took that as a sign that I can see this person being in my life. When I came back to the U.S., I was still nervous about potentially getting the ick from him. I decided to get a little bit more physical because 1) I was touch starved, 2) I felt like I didn't have enough info about how I felt about him, and 3) I was moving into my college dorm and I finally had more privacy. I would say after that I was pretty sure that even though I wasn't exactly attracted to him, it wasn't so bad to where it would affect our relationship or that I'm like turned off by him. I could see that as something that could grow over time. Fastforward like a month to now, I feel like we have a very healthy and solid relationship. I feel very comfortable around him both physically and emotionally and we're both really good at communicating with one another. He treats me really well and of course I like to reciprocate. I do feel like I am growing more attached to him and that I definitely like him now that I've known and dated him for a little over 4 months now. Attractionwise I feel like it's going to take some more time as we deepen our reltionship for this to grow. I do feel something attractionwise but I will admit that it's still not to the point where I'm attracted to him just yet. Honestly, I think I might be demisexual at this point.