soos_mite_ah

Future Romantic and/or Sexual Experiences I Want to Have Threesome: I think I want to experience both kinds of threesomes just once. I don't think I would be really into it because while it looks good on screen, I feel like it would feel busy and chaotic irl. But, I do want to see how I would react in that situation. I feel like that's the one thing that I consistently gravitate towards on the occasion I am watching porn. But I have a theory that I feel like this gravitation because regular straight porn is boring for most women since it doesn't depict things that women actually get off on. At least in a ffm she gets head and more than .25 seconds of kissing. And as far as mmf, there is another dick to fill void of actual female pleasure. I feel like as far as reactions go, just in general I'm curious about nonmonogamy because I feel like I could fall into that camp. Speaking of which... Polyamory: I don't see why monogamy has to be the default and I think it can be a healthy and beautiful thing to have multiple romantic relationships at once because it gets rid of the notion that only one person has to be perfect for you. Also, I've never been a particularly jealous person when it came to love and back when I identified as ace, I didn't see any problems with the hypothetical possibility of my nonasexual boyfriend hooking up with others so long as it was casual and I am aware of it because I knew I wouldn't be able to satisfy all of his needs. And even though I don't identify as completely ace anymoreEv, I am curious as to how a polyamorous dynamic would play out. Be with an older guy: (and by older I mean like 8-12 years) I think in the past this had more to do with some of the issues I had and my upbringing, along with the associations I had with older men. I think I had this association with maturity, gentleness, assertiveness, stability and protectiveness when it came to older men which was in contrast with the little frat fuck boys I would see on the regular in school. Also, the dilfs that worked at my university didn't help lol. But, now that I have found a man near my age that is mature, gentle, assertive, stable, and protective, I don't think I romanticize being with an older guy anymore because those specific desires are being met. Also, my frontal lobe has been cooking which is making me think *lets be real, even if they are older, they still ain't shit.* But, I still find a lot of older people to be beautiful and it's much more of a looks thing. I don't think I would want a relationship with an older guy but I wouldn't mind casually dating one to have the experience and get that out of my system. Wax Play: I talked about this in other posts Being Tied Up: Idk it just seems interesting. Idk if I would like it and there isn't a particular thing driving me towards it other than plain curiousity. Going to a nude beach: I feel like I talked about this in a previous post, but generally speaking, I'm pretty comfortable with nudity and I think it would be an educational experience. Because it would be an educational experience personally, I thought I'd include it here but I was hesitant because my desire to go to a nude beach isn't directly romantic or sexual but I do think I would learn about myself in that aspect. Engage in some form of casual sex: I feel like I can be up for it. I don't think I would be comfortable with a one night stand or something with someone I don't know very well because of safety concerns but I can see myself in a fwb situation, provided that the other person can actually be a friend and treat me like a person instead of a fleshlight. I think I can deal with a lack of commitment but I wouldn't be able to deal with the lack of respect and drama that situations like these can come with which is why I am hesitant. But if he is sane and respectful, why not. Also, I think it could be good when it comes to getting to know myself sexually by being exposed to what different people are like. Eventually settle down with a partner(s): I can see myself eventually wanting to settle down with someone, or if the polyamorous route works out, some people. I just think it would be nice.

How Body Image Impacts My Sexuality I feel like my body image affected my sexuality more in terms of my own perceptions of my desirablity in the past because of issues that I detailed out in previous posts. I still feel that there is some effect in the way that being in this current relationship just feels like I've been hit by fluke luck and that I won't be able to get with people I find attractive from the get go. Don't get me wrong, I am attracted to my boyfriend and I thought he was cute from the time we first met but it's an attraction that had to grow as our relationship progressed. I don't recommend dating people you aren't attracted to hoping you will find them attractive, but it is something that worked out for me because I was questioning my sexuality at the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get intimidated by people who I physically is my type or that I perceive to be more conventionally attractive. And I thought this was ridiculous then and I think it is even more ridiculous now because I know what it looks like to be desired respectfully. Also, I feel that since being with U, I feel so self assured in the whole situation to where my body image isn't really what I think about because there are other things to focus on lol. And U has done a lot to where I don't feel any doubt when I'm around him. Sure I don't feel like I'm beautiful to myself but I know he does and even though I don't get his tastes, I'm not going to over think it too much and just go with it. Again, it goes back to the whole *I don't see it but I'm glad you're having a good time* and that just helps me get more to a place of neutrality with my body. This is a bit of a tangent but there are moments in this relationship where I think about the quality of my partner and how that helps with a lot of personal issues from bleeding into the relationship. For example, I am generally a secure person attachment style wise but every now and then I do get a sense of an anxious attachment style come over me. But I don't have that with him because we both created such a secure dynamic where we regularly show appreciation for each other and I don't have a doubt in my mind about where I stand with the relationship. Or sometimes, personal stuff comes up and we're both able to support each other logistically and emotionally while still maintaining boundaries so we never feel like we're over exerting ourselves for each other and we feel comfortable in being vulnerable with one another. And as far as my body image issues go, I am far from feeling comfortable in my body and liking how I look but at the very least, when I'm with him, I don't have a single doubt of how I am perceived nor am I worried about what I look like in different angles and the such. While I'm far from being a perfect person, I think having a good partner can go a long way and smooth over a lot of things which is why I don't regret being picky at all.

Overturning Roe v. Wade I know I'm pretty late to the party when talking about this but I feel like this is the biggest factor affecting my sexuality in the present moment. Despite dating my current boyfriend for like 8 months now, we've never had sex and honestly, I don't feel comfortable in doing so because of the risk of pregnancy regardless of how respectful and comfortable he makes me feel. I made this relationship official and like a week later, Roe v. Wade got over turned and the universe took one look at me and was like *no dick for you.* Don't get me wrong, even if it wasn't over turned we would be using condoms and I am on birth control, but having that access to abortion gave me the peace of mind that if something went wrong, I could deal with that situation. And I know that plan B is less affective if you're over a certain body weight so that isn't a solid back up. I'm thankful that my boyfriend is understanding about this and honestly, I wouldn't be with him if he wasn't going to respect my boundaries. We've basically have done everything except penetration and even though he is understanding about my anxieties around this and continously reminds me that I shouldn't do anything that makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable, I do catch myself just feelling frustrated with this entire situation. I feel like it restricts my ability to express myself and connect and it's frustrating that I would probably have to go through the hassel of moving and basically starting my life over just to feel more secure in myself in this area of life. I do eventually see myself moving out of Texas but not for a hot minute since I am trying to save up and build the relationships I have right here. I also had a friend who had to get an abortion and flew out to Georgia from Texas to get one, two days before Roe v. Wade got overturned. That whole story was very difficult to listen to given the problems she faced, the trauma from being forced to listen to the heart beat before hand, keeping all of this a secret from her pro-life family and not being able to turn to her own mother for support, and dealing with the protests. And besides wanting to be there for my friend and everything she went through, ngl that whole experience puts me off of sex even more. Getting pregnant is one of the really big fears I have in my life in general, especially getting pregnant in my 20s. Everything surrounding getting pregnant, especially getting pregnant in Texas, screams *my life is ending* for me. I don't know if I ever want to be a mother but if I make that decision, I don't want that life transition to be premature in any way from having a stable and loving marriage and having a hefty savings and a good job, to mentally having broken all of the generational curses in my family and feeling so fulfilled that I can give my life up and start a new one. There is so many things that I want to try and experience while I am young and not with a child. And if that is a decision that I make, I want to be in a position where I have experienced all of those things, grown from them, and then pour that into my child so that I am coming into motherhood in a fulfilled and actualized place and I can give my child a mother and a life they deserve. Having a child before I am ready is like a death sentence for me and the kid who would have deserved so much better.

Looking Back at Previous Posts Part 4: Main Take Aways I'm just doing a TLDR of my last 3 posts so that I can summarize this series and wrap it up with a nice bow. I'm not as horny as I thought I was and my sex drive is lower than expected. I just felt repressed physically and emotionally because my sexuality existed in a vaccum I am capable of being in a relationship even if I don't have my shit 100% put together so long as I am taking accountibility, communicating, doing the work, and being self aware. If anything, there is a lot of growth and healing that can be done in a healthy dynamic, platonic or otherwise. Doing this is a skill and it's not like you're stagnating by putting more time into your relationships platonic or otherwise. My standards (specifically related to consent, having respectful/ caring encounters, and what I thought made a solid relationship) back then were not me asking too much. I'm glad I had them and I'm glad I waited as long to get into a relationship even though it was hard. My fantasies do not have the same element of nervousness and vulnerability as before both because I feel more confident in myself for having a bit more experince since it doesn't feel like I'm jumping into the unknown anymore, and because my partner is very accepting and respectful to where I don't have an ounce of self-doubt around him. I was able to scratch a lot of itches and confirm a lot of things to myself when it comes to my perception of my desirability in the last few months. It's also been nice to be able to express myself in a romantic and sexual context and I feel like I have learned a lot about myself. I still have my fair of insecurities and I still feel the need to be careful around certain situations but they don't interfere as much with the perception I have regarding my ability to attain the experiences I desire. Mutual attraction is a thing and 100% possible even if I personally don't find myself attractive. I'm probably not as kinky as I thought I was. A lot of things seem fun to try but it isn't required for my pleasure or sexual fulfillment. And just in general, I don't think I'm the type of person who needs a robust or extensive sex life in or out of a relationship to be fulfilled. I know for some people sex is an important part of connecting with people, they have high sex drives, and they have more needs, but I don't think I'm one of those people.

Looking Back at Previous Posts Part 3: Theory vs Practice I feel like before when I basically had no physical experience (I wrote the majority of the journal prior to having my first kiss) I had a certain idea of what I might like physically but I didn't have evidence to back that up. There are some things that I was spot on with my self reflection and somethings I missed on. There was a series of posts I did reflecting on the different sides of my sexuality in the form of seasons. I'm only linking the first post of the series here and if anyone is interested, they can just keep scrolling down. I'm just doing that because I don't feel like linking 4 posts in a row. Basically, I feel like this series is pretty spot on with characterizing my sexuality and I feel like I embrace 3/4 around U. I feel like I don't embrace fall as much because I'm still getting used to all of this and I'm not ready to be super experiemental. I basically feel like this Tiktok audio: I still stand by everything that I said in this post and I feel like being with my current boyfriend gave me a more healthy and realistic view on things. I also feel that it is posts like this opening me up to reflect on things helped me communicate with my partner better not only when it comes to articulating my thoughts and boundaries but also when starting certain conversations to begin with. I also think that I'm more vanilla than I thought previously because now I am testing things out and you know what, some basic things do just feel good and you don't need to do a lot of things over the top to have a good time if you don't want to. I feel the same way about wax play as when I wrote this post and I still want to try it. I'm bringing this up because there is attitude of *i might not get off to this but the sensation might be nice* and I feel like that's my general attitude when it comes to trying a lot of new things. I feel like a lot of the "kinks" I thought I had were more like things I want to try and less of a thing that I feel like I need to incorporate regularly when doing anything sexual. Generally speaking, after having more experience, sex really doesn't feel like that big of a deal, even on a sensual level. I enjoy using it as a tool to connect to people but it's just that, a tool and it definitely isn't the only tool. I still stand by most of what I said on this post but to add onto it, I think I over estimated how sexy and sexual any stimulation on the neck is. It is nice, but I have discovered that I'm really ticklish and a lot of times I feel like turning into a giggly mess and treating this as something more light hearted than steamy. But it's fine. I'm still enjoying myself lol, Just not in the way that I expected. I think that this and the threesome thing, while it is still appealling, are things that I think I overestimated how much I would be into. That's not to say that I have tried these things and I know for sure but for me personally, I think part of the reason why I was into both of those things is because of a sense of vulnerability and sexual abundance. When it comes to vulnerability, I feel like that was the basis of a lot of my fantasies because I didn't have much experience and it was a reflection of how I felt about myself sexually since I didn't know how I would act or react. Now since I have a better idea about what I like and because the relationship I have is very secure with good communication, I don't put as much as much of an emphasis on vulnerability because a lot of things related to relationships do not feel vulnerable anymore since I have experienced them in a healthy way. As far as sexual abundance goes, again because of a lack of experience, I think I put sex on a bit of a pedestal because it felt like something that was out of reach, that it was something other people did, and that it was like a fake inside joke I wasn't really a part of. Eventhough I'm still a virgin, sex doesn't feel out of reach anymore and I think that alone helped me deal with a lot of issues I had regarding desireability. I stand by everything in the posts above and I can confidently say that I popped off on these posts. I feel like my current relationship aligns with these posts and I think it's the reason why we set up a very strong foundation early on when dating.

Looking Back on Previous Posts Part 2 : Desirability In this part I will be mainly talking about my perception of my own desirability and how that has evolved since being in a relationship. In part 1 I mainly talked about how racism and fatphobia affected my perception of how attractive I see myself and in part 2 I talked about how the lack of safety I feel as a woman existing contributes to me feeling like I'm sexualized but without the agency of seeing myself as a sexual person. I feel like racism and fatphobia still affects the way that I see myself but I feel like it manifests more as body image issues rather than not being seen as attractive. I can't say that I feel beautiful very often, especially in this past year as I've been grappling with issues around my weight, but I trust others to see me as beautiful. Whenever my boyfriend tells me I'm beautiful, I definitely nod and say thank you but internally I'm thinking *I can't see it but I'm glad you're enjoying the show lol.* I think back then I had trouble seeing myself as desirable in general whereas now I see myself as someone who might not be conventionally attractive to most people because of the aforementioned reasons, but I can be seen as attractive in the individual scale. Also, ngl, sometimes I'm afraid that my experience with my boyfriend is a one off anomaly of a situation compared to most of my life. As for part 2, I think to a certain extent I will always have to be careful about my safety and be vigilant about fetishization. Even when I first started U, I had to be on the look out to make sure he wasn't a creep who fetishized Asian women especially since he was a white man. And thankfully he isn't or else we wouldn't be together. I also feel that this relationship has given me more of an outlet to express myself sexually in a safe and respectful environment that my boyfriend and I created together. I know that he doesn't see me as less of a person for expressing myself in this way and it's nice to see what being desired respectfully looks like. I don't feel unsafe, embarassed, or awkward around him. As far as body image is concerned, I don't feel self conscious when I'm around him because I know how completely he accepts me and how he is doing things to further connect with me. I feel that prioritizing connection and acceptance over what looks and feels good causes us to prioritize our relationship without putting sex as the foundation. And in turn it takes the pressure off of both of us so that we can express ourselves more authentically, sexually or otherwise. Honestly, now looking back at thse posts, my initial thought is *damn I was really asking for reasonable bare minimum things thinking they were the absolute most.* While at first glance it feels like I'm romanticizing the bare minimum, I think it is also motivated by how porn depicts sex inaccurately (i.e. prioritizing penetration above all else) and various horrar stories I have heard of how people treat others in casual sex or hookups. For example, I get not wanting to get attached while hooking up and wanting to have some boundaries but not kissing during sex or not paying attention to foreplay is just a recipe for having bad sex. Like, if you need to have bad sex in order to not get attached to someone, maybe casual sex isn't for you lol. And I think you can still do aftercare without it being romantic. Like some people really try to do the whole friends with benefits thing without the friends part and its weird lol. I feel like that's just curtosy so that the other person doesn't feel totally used. But then again, I have no experience in casual sexual encounters so there is only so much I can say. I think my thoughts can be summarized in this post I did on casual sex that I still stand by (especially this quote): I honestly think that the post directly above is probably the saddest that I've read in this journal. I don't think I was super sad when I wrote this out but I think it's sad looking back because of my current relationship. I don't doubt one bit where I stand in this relationship and to what extent I am a priority. I feel so secure and so cared for around U that I think it's disheartening that there was any point in time I thought something like this would be out of reach for me platonically or otherwise. The same goes for this post: As for the post directly above, while I still resonate with much of the contents of this post, such as stalking people's social media, taking pictures without their consent, and hitting on a boss or teacher as things that are really creepy, I also feel like I swang too far in the other direction and saw normal behaviors around thinking about your crush constantly as obsessive. I know where my head was at the time I was writing this post and I feel that I was in a place where I thought my expression of desire was creepy because I wasn't a desirable person and people didn't want that from me. I feel like a lot of people can fall into the trap of over thinking and assuming that they are creepy and weird just because they don't think they are wanted/attractive. Don't get me wrong, it's important to be vigilant of that and to back off when the other person is uncomfortable because that's just common curtosy, but you're not creepy just for having desires. You're creepy if having desires manifests in a way that suggests that you don't respect the other person or see them as human.

Looking Back on Previous Posts Part 1 This is going to be a multipart series of me looking back at previous posts as I am more likely to look at them with a different light since I have some between when I first wrote these posts and now, especially since I have since entered into my first relationship. I feel like as I have been in this relationship, I have revaluated somethings and have gained more experience in others so I thought it couldn't hurt to see where I stood then compared to where I stand now. I talked about how often I thought about intimacy in my daily life in this post and how it can be a bit excessive. Not gonna lie, after being in a relationship for a hot minute and having physical affection on a regular basis, I do think back then I thought about sex and intimacy constantly because there was an itch not being scratched. I remember in this previous semester in school, in the middle of one of my classes, thinking something along the lines of "hey, I can actually focus and not have horny thoughts come up because for the first time in my life I'm not touch starved." On a similar note, I remember entering the relationship thinking I had a much higher sex drive than I actually have due to previous pent up energy. I would say back then I would be horny 3-4 times a week but now that I'm in a relationship, at the most my partner and I are in the mood like once a week or so. Then again we only see each other about once a week and even then it isn't always guranteed that anything would happen because sometimes we're just around each other's friends and family or we're too busy for having someone stay over due to scheduling and roommate issues. Like, things get in the way, but it isn't really a source of sexual frustration for either of us. I feel like this post had a lot of self awareness even though I didn't fully integrate the notion that I can have healthy relationships without being in this cycle of fixing myself. And a lot of that had to do with a lack of life experience. But to be fair, I was in a very weird and unpleasant place in my life at July of 2021 and I think it did make more sense back then to focus on the other stuff in my life instead of jumping into a relationship. I don't know if I knew this at the time or not but there is only so much healing you can do by yourself in a vaccuum. Relational trauma often times needs to be resolved by changing behaviors in new dynamics rather than self isolation. This is because we need practice in relationships, be it platonic or otherwise, and we need to expose ourselves to new and healthy experiences to rewire some of our previous beliefs, habits, and instincts so that our nervous system is more regulated and we can identify unhealthy situations more effectively. I can't say that that I had my life together all the way when I met U but I do think that because I am able to regulate my emotions, communicate, take responsibility, and because I have multiple outlets for dealing with things, even if emotional difficulties come up, they aren't messing with the dynamic of our relationships. I wouldn't say that getting into a relationship when you're in a turmultous time of you life is a good idea, and it doesn't hurt to err in the side of caution and put things off until you feel ready to commit to something .But at the same time, I don't think that people need to be fully healed to be in a healthy and loving relationship so long as both parties have solid relationship skills and have the self awareness to cope in a healthy way. This post was mainly about my experience in growing up in a strict South Asian house hold that downplayed the importance of relationships in order for me to focus on school and a general sense of success. I also talked about how having to deal with a variety of obstacles in my life as a young person cause romantic relationships to be the last thing on my mind even though I craved them. Looking back, I do think it was the right move to focus on other things instead of boys, but I will say it did take time and practice to learn how to prioritize the people in my life while balancing everything else. And once I learned how to do that platonically, it was pretty straight forward romantically as well. It goes back to the whole relational experiences and habits thing. I still have a lot going on in my life but I do think it's more in the positive way instead of the dealing with trauma way. I remember where I was emotionally when I wrote the two posts linked above. I remember the shame I felt with being a virgin, the envy I felt regarding some people and their sex lives, and the frustrations I had with incels and how they coped by taking things out on other people. I don't feel much regarding these things anymore even though I am still a virgin at 23 (more on that in a different post lol smh). But these posts are really making me think of how far I have come regarding my emotional state on certain topics and how I feel more secure now that I have a partner and I was able to scratch a lot of itches and confirm things to myself. And as a result, I feel like I have worked through and resolved a bunch of things. I feel like I can do a whole nother post about how being in a relationship has affected my perception of my own desirability. But this post has been long enough and I think this is a good place to stop.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months and generally speaking I'm not the best at giving gifts. I was wondering if yall had any ideas lol

this is currently on my watch later list as I am currently dealing with exams. I would love to contribute my thoughts once I get the time to do so

He's really likes working with his hands and fixing things in his car or around his house during his free time. I . thought about getting a tool set of sorts but I don't know much about it, I'm not super familiar with what specific kind he is looking for, and good quality sets are out of my budget. The main idea I'm planning on going with is getting scarf and embroidering it with his initials myself. I know he gets cold easily and I thought the embroidary would be something that added a personal touch and would show some more effort on my part. He's also planning on going to Chicago to visit family for Christmas and he's been talking about how he already feels like he's freezing in Texas . I also like the puzzle idea that Leo suggested. While it isn't something we really talked about, I know there is a general trend for people who like to work with their hands also liking puzzles. I feel like this is something that he would like. As for the weird sexual comments on this thread, I guess if all else fails I could get him a pair of boxers with my face on it lmaooooo

Things I Want To Write About Leo's Video on When the Left Goes too Far Reflections on My Career and Job Search Reflections on My Study Abroad Experience What I Have Been Learning from My Friends Who Already Graduated Reflections on My Human Rights Class Reflecting on my Volunteer Experiences Thoughts on Settling and Stability New Years Resolutions Reflecting on My Issues with Food and Body Image Redifining Frienships as an Adult

Things to Write About in the Future Euphoria and How it Depicts Sexuality My Amsterdam Sex Show Experience How Body Image Impacts My Sexuality Reflections on Past Posts Overturning Roe v. Wade Future Romantic and/or Sexual Experiences I Want to Have My Sexuality: In Theory vs. In Practice

Figuring Out My Sexuality I have talked about this in my journal about a year ago But basically, after getting on birth control, I've been questioning my sexuality because it's been messing with my head. I identified as asexual for 7 years, from the age of 14 to 21 and after getting on birth control, I was uncertain as to whether I still identified as asexual, or if I was demisexual, straight, or bisexual. I think since I've started this journal I have figured some things out. So I know that I'm not asexual because I am attracted to my boyfried but I could make the arguement that I am still demisexual because it wasn't until after we've been dating for a few months that I started becoming attracted to him because of the emotional bond we have made together. I might also be straight and this was just a situation where I chose to date someone who wasn't my type so instead of feeling attraction initially, it took some time to build. But also, even though I do have a type, I don't know to what extent that is simply an aesthetic preference or something I'm attracted to from the get go. I know that I'm not bisexual because I am pretty sure I don't like women. I think I'm just aesthetically into women because I stg all of them are so beautiful and have so much personality and are basically like these personified pinterest boards if that makes sense. But, the way that I know that I'm not into women sexually rather this is just an aesthetic appreciation is my experience in a sex show in Amsterdam. Basically, I went to Amsterdam this summer and I wanted to check out the night life. I kind of found myself walking around aimlessly since I don't care for alcohol or weed and then I panicked and went into a club in the red light district. Turns out I walked into a sex club. This probably deserves a post of its own but basically I found out that I'm not attracted to women because when I saw a naked woman getting fucked and doing a whole strip routine, I didn't think *wow, that's hot, I'm turned on.* Instead I thought *wow, that's impressive, can she teach me?* lmaooo I think wanting a threesome mainly has to do with the porn I was exposed to and how most straight porn is boring and doesn't depict things that typically turn women on. It isn't uncommon for straight women to gravitate towards lesbian porn because thats usually the type of porn that depicts a woman being kissed, caressed, and receiving oral, you know, things that actually get a woman wet and climax while straight porn usually consists of .2 seconds of kissing followed by a woman just getting jack hammered on screen. I wrote about this in my previous post on figuring out my sexuality: In conclusion, I feel like now it's between the posibility of me being straight or demisexual. I'm leaning more towards being demisexual because of my current relationship

7 Months into My First Relationship I haven't posted in this journal in a long time so I thought I'd give some updates. I'm still with the guy that I wrote about in my previous posts and we're almost 7 months into this relationship. I would say overall things are going really well and this is a healthy and happy relationship for the both of us. I am learning a lot about how I naturally behave in a relationship and I'm learning more about my preferences as well. Also, I'm so happy that I waited for someone like U to get into a relationship. The wait was really annoying as someone who was perpetually single for 22 years but it was worth it. And I hope that this reflection will help me identify things that I could work on and things to keep in mind going forward in my future relationships. 1. I think I just now entered the honeymoon stage 6 months into our relationship. I know the honeymoon stage is often associated with the beginning of the relationship and is thought to end at around the 6-month mark but I think for me, the honeymoon stage started later because the first 6 months was me just getting to know the person. Now that I know him and am comfortable around him, I think now I’m more inclined to be kind of mushy and a little clingy with him. I knew that I was a cuddly person, but I never thought of myself as someone who is affectionate in this way. 2. I think I also opened myself up to affection during the duration of this relationship. I remember before I would compare myself to a feral cat romantically in the sense that I’m independent, functioning, and able to take care of myself but I tend to be distrustful and afraid around people, not because of any bad experience but because of a lack of experience and exposure. I feel that this relationship developed in a reasonable pace, slow at times but reasonable nonetheless, and as a result we have a pretty good foundation for our relationship platonically outside of the romantic and sexual aspects. And I feel that this foundation is the reason why romantic gestures don’t feel cringy to me anymore. I never thought of myself as the type of person who would sent good morning or good night texts but here I am. I think my comfort level with affection and various romantic gestures comes down to how much we developed the relationship. Because I would not be able to text someone this way or go on fancy dates with someone I was just starting to get to know. I used to think that this made me cold and standoffish when it came to romance but now that I have more information on myself and how I react to romantic situations, I feel like this is more realistic that icy. I think that now that U and I have a more developed relationship, I feel more comfortable with doing more grand gestures and “being spoiled.” 3. It’s also been interesting to see how I react to being in a relationship. I am seeing how well I can handle a variety of situations and how I am a very healthy and self-aware partner with a lot to offer. It really makes me think about how having, maintaining, deepening, relationships along with handling various challenges and conflicts that arise are skills more than anything. I wouldn’t say that if you have never been in a relationship or had various romantic encounters that this makes you less skilled but I would say that in the end of the day, human relationship are human relationships, and odds are if you are good with dealing with people interpersonally, whether it be with your friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. you probably already have some of the key skills necessary to be good at a romantic relationship. This can include: being an effective communicator by being able to identify and articulate your emotions and boundaries even when conversations might be uncomfortable or heavy having the kindness and empathy to appropriately give people the benefit of the doubt without it being a threat to your ego and by recognizing and encouraging other priorities people in you life have being an effective and active listener who seeks connect with people and provide comfort and/or solutions from a healthy place by identifying what’s important to the other person by being a pleasant and fun person to be around who has a good character and a personality / interests having the self-awareness to admit when you’re wrong and take responsibility accordingly in a way that is empathic to the other person, and that the thing in question doesn’t happen again because you have worked through the emotions and issues causing the behavior in the first place Of course this isn’t everything but these are the most important things I can come up with off the top of my head. But I think I’m less inclined to think of love and relationships through the lens of having soul mates or having the one. I feel that this skills-based approach along with a general sense of compatibility demystified love. But I don’t think it makes love any less magical because it’s still exciting to watch all these factors at play even if they are more tangible rather than ethereal. 4. I am also experiencing what it is like to be desired in a healthy and safe context. As a woman of color who is also rather curvy, I’ve had my fair share of weird, racist, and fetishizing comments and experiences. And growing up I often felt like I had to be on guard with my body and that it was seen as ugly and sexualized at the same time. I felt vulgar and undesirable because of the disrespect that I encountered. But I don’t feel any fear when it comes to U. I know that he respects my boundaries and sees me like an actual person. I know that I can be around him and not have everything revolve around physical intimacy or my looks even though he enjoys showing me affection and telling me how beautiful I am. I feel very appreciated around him and I feel very calm every time we get physical. I am very rarely self-conscious around him because I know how much he accepts me. 5. I’m starting to learn about what I want out of a relationship now that I have my needs met. I feel like my relationship with U, as my first relationship, is a lot like the ideal first job you get out of college. That job might not be your dream job or something that you’re super passionate about but you like the job, it pays you well, it has good benefits, it has a healthy culture and work life balance, and it gives you the room to figure out what you really want since you aren’t in this anxiety mood all the time. Similarly, U might not be my dream partner but I like spending time with him, he is a healthy person to be around, we go on fun dates, and I really like this dynamic because of how constructive it is. I think we are very compatible at the moment because of where we are at our lives and how experience level romantically. We’re mainly focused on enjoying ourselves and learning about each other in a romantic and sexual setting but I don’t really see us being on the same page when it comes to settling down or even what that means to each of us, much less know whether we are a good match for each other. I also see this relationship as a really good foundation and base line to explore my wants now that I have established my standards and have had them manifest. I think when you’re in the dating game for a while and you have encountered all types of creatures who have been socialized by a pigeon, it’s easy to want to settle for someone who is healthy and fits your standards but not necessarily fits your preferences because your priority as some one who is emotionally thirsty and touch starved is to get with someone who isn’t a psychopath. And U’s main appeal is that he is a green flag. That’s great and all but I deserve more than *please don’t hurt me.* I think going forward it’s going to be more important for me to find someone who is more intellectually compatible with me, more emotionally open about sharing their life, and more suited towards my physical type. I think a big reason why we are compatible is because we are each other’s firsts and we have a similar communication styles and values. The best place I can see this is sexually. We are moving at similar paces because this is both of our first times. We are patient, understanding, and attentive to consent. We feel very safe with one another. But as we explore our sexuality, we notice that there are tastes we both have that are not as compatible with each other. And that is ok and healthy because it means that while we are growing together sexually, we can still differentiate and notice where we are growing individually as far as sex goes. The same goes for our broader relationship where we both move in similar paces since it is our first relationship and we have similar values and priorities as a result but while we are growing together, we are also growing on our own too. And it’s ok if we grow and diverge as a result later on when our needs and desires change and we have a better idea of what exactly we are compatible with. 6. I’m also learning about what role physical intimacy and attraction has in my relationship. I think I am the type of person who needs a certain degree of physical intimacy because for me it is one of many outlets for me to connect to them. I think after this relationship I want to explore my sexuality more and get somethings out of my system, but I want to make sure I’m in a safe location to do that given the current abortion laws. As for attraction, I think for me it takes time for me to feel that attraction as I develop an emotional connection. I feel like I lean more towards being demisexual. Sex isn’t the most important thing for me (I know there are people who REALLY need to be with someone they are sexually compatible with and I don’t see myself in that boat entirely), but I do need a certain frequency of intimacy (at around once a week or once every other week). I do have certain aesthetic preferences and I think it’s important for some of that to be fulfilled even if it isn’t the most important thing in the world. I think if anything that it’s good that I am dating someone who isn’t physically my type, but I still find cute anyways because it relieves some of the pressure/nervousness people feel when they’re around people they find attractive and as a result we were able to build a stronger foundation with something more substantiated than looks. I think it also taught me to build chemistry even if the situation did not start with butterflies or fiery passion. But I think the downside of this is sometimes feeling like I’m leading him on or not feeling 100% authentic, not having the confidence to go after who I’m actually attracted to, and settling for whoever likes me over who I like. That is something that I need to work through independently during and after this relationship and it has nothing to do with U. 7. I’m learning about how I feel about gender roles and what I feel comfortable with and what feels natural for me in a healthy reciprocal relationship. I think with dating advice, especially when it comes to advice geared towards straight people, it’s very easy to fall into a lot of gender essentialism (i.e. the man always has to pursue and pay and the woman has to be more passive) over checking in to see how you authentically feel. I’m okay with paying sometimes so long as I know what a man’s intentions are and that he is not otherwise stingy with his love. I’m okay with being the pursuer and making the first move at times because to a certain extent that feels natural to me. In other words, as I’m learning more about what I’m like in a relationship, I am learning what resonates with me when it comes to masculinity and femininity instead of confining myself into one type of performance because of my gender and expect the other person to do the same thing without acknowledging that they are a complete and complex person just like me. 8. I am trying to figure out what authenticity means to me regarding balancing principle with emotions. I feel like I have a very left brained approach to love which also translates to how I found it surprising that I could be a mushy person given that I have dated someone for months. I think this approach has helped me a lot on not acting on impulse, making decisions that are good for my emotional well being in the long term, and having a guide so that I am thinking clearly. As a result, I feel like I have the skills part of the relationship down. But I don’t really have the passion or impulse part down and I think part of it is because of physical attraction and still figuring out my tastes sexually. I find myself feel like I love U but that I’m not in love with U. Like I can act this out on principle and act accordingly in a way that takes him into consideration. But emotionally, I’m not there yet, or at least I don’t feel like I am. Maybe it will take some time since I am demisexual or maybe this is what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like contradictory to the euphoric all-consuming love that often makes for an exciting rom com or a juicy Sex And The City episode.

To Do List: After Graduation Focus on applying to jobs/ interviewing Continue working out + follow up with dietician appointments Continue volunteering Get a part time job Continue maintaining friendships Figure out budgeting, investments, financial goals (do most of this once I get my job but educate myself in the meantime) Some things off the top of my head include day to day budgetting 401k / Retirement savings investing (index funds, portfolios etc.) emergency funds how to allocate my savings (future down payment on house, paying my parents back for college, college funds for a family one day maybe, travel savings, savings for a car etc.) Keep my distance from my family + figure out where to go with the relationship

Luxury Tiktok Compilations So I've been finding more luxury tiktoks in my for you page and I guess I liked a few videos, the algorithm did its thing, and then I liked a few more. A couple days ago I found myself looking at websites with luxury handbags, jewlery, and coats despite not really having the desire to have any of those things from a practical point of view. I don't like having handbags, wearing jewlery annoys me, and I use a coat once or twice a year because I live in Texas. And I'm also desensitized to luxury items since going to college because I see it all the time and I don't get the hype at all. In other words, this isn't about wanting a luxurious life style, there is something underlying it. Because I don't really care about expensive things and because they don't really make sense to me , I don't even know what I would get myself tbh. So basically, I find myself browsing aimlessly at different luxury websites hoping something will catch my eye, but then nothing ever does, so I just find myself sitting there reevaluating my life like I am now in this post. Stage Orange itch because college didn't go the way I hoped + wanting to feel accomplished I talked more about this in my previous post. But basically, I didn't achieve everything I wanted in college and I guess that stage orange itch is manifesting in me fantisizing about having nice things even though I'm well aware that it is a fantasy. The fantasy of having all of my hard work being paid off in a blatant and luxurious way I can flex I feel like the aesthetic of living a luxurious lifestyle can sometimes serve as a tangible manifestation of hardwork if one buys into the illusion of meritocracy in this country. And as someone who is currently feeling like all of her hard work hasn't paid off just yet, I guess there is that part of me that feels like over compensating. Wanting to feel like I have my shit together With the luxury aesthetic comes with this notion that everything is financially taken care of and that you have the disposible income to do whatever you want. In other words, at least materially, you look like you have your shit together. I feel like for me, I have many areas of my life handled but the one area I haven't fulfilled is my career aspirations and how I'm still financially reliant on my parents. Wanting to tap into what I want in life without having a scarcity mindset + desire to treat myself This is similar to the previous point but I have been realizing how I don't really have a good idea about what I want out of my life because I've been so focused on my needs. I think I need to reach a point of stability in order to think clearly about what it is I want without falling into a scarcity mindset. And part of that stability is having my shit together financially and having the freedom that money can afford me. I also feel that as a frugal person, that I don't normally treat myself because I'm more focused on my needs than my wants. However, because I'm slowly becoming more in tuned with my wants and letting myself have those wants, I'm finding myself having this itch to buy something expensive. Not only do I want these things as a symbol of my hard work paying off, but I want these things to symvolize a sense of effortlessness, ease, and softness at the same time.

Thoughts on Graduating College So... I'm just dealing with some complex emotions around graduating college and going through another life transition. I thought I'd make a post laying everything out there. Negatives first so I can end on a positive note: I don't know what's worse, feeling like you didn't live up to your potential or that you never had that much of it in the first place I feel like in high school I didn't try much becaue of mental health stuff so I got into a mediocre university instead of going to the places I actually wanted to go to because I got rejected over really small stuff. In college, however, I did try but a variety of things happened including but not limitted to a pandemic, loss of multiple family members, health issues etc. Not only did I not do well at this mediocre university, I feel like I underperformed on my own expectations. And well... I don't have any more time to prove myself wrong. That glow up isn't coming, the redemption arc isn't coming, this is all there is. And its not very impressive to say the least. Because I didn't fulfill my achievement desires, I am finding some old stage orange stuff come up for me but that's a different post. I'm anxious about moving in with my parents for an indefinite amount of time and it's reminding me of my experience with the pandemic I can feel myself psychologically bracing myself for the few months to come. I don't know how long this will be and that's the thing that's freaking me out. I remember how that ended last time and I am scared of my mental health getting that bad again. I worked hard to be where I'm at. I don't want that to be ripped away from me again. Positives: I feel ready to move on from this environment This is kind of going off of the first point about not achieving much but basically I feel like if I were to stick around in this environment, I'm more likely to compare myself to other more high achieving students because I am existing in a bubble with them. This contrasts with the relationships I have with people who already graduated or didn't go to college at all where I feel less inclined to compare because we're all in such different paths and timings. I also feel that the reason why I'm self conscious about my lack of achievement is because of it makes me feel like I won't be able to support myself rather than a need to be better than other people for the sake of it. I think once I get a job that pays my bills I should be ok. I'm also noticing how this environment has been affecting me negatively as things have accumulated over the years. I feel like I picked up on internalized racism during my time here and that has resulted in a lot of body image issues, imposter syndrome, and just generally feeling like I'm not good enough and that I'm a 1000 steps behind the average rich white person here. I feel like no matter how hard I try I won't ever be as skinny or as beautiful as the average sorority girl on this campus. Not to mention I feel dumb like 90% of the time and that I don't fit in with this crowd no matter how hard I try because I was never raised in that kind of enviornment and I don't know what the norms always are. Anyways, I'm pretty sure I'll look back at my years here once I get a little bit of distance and thing *damn, I let these mediocre people convince me that I was dumb, ugly, and socially inept for 4+ years* Socially, I feel like I've tied up a lot of loose ends whether its because of my study abroad trip or my volunteer work I have been doing this semester or the friends I have made in the past year or so. Professionally, I feel like I did as much as I could with an internship and studying abroad. Again, my desires for achievement aren't completely satisfied but I don't feel as insecure of my resume because it isn't as much of a skinny legend anymore. I feel like I'm in a more solid place over all and I think I'm ready to move on to something different. Also, everyone looks a little too squishy faced and childlike to me and I feel like I'm overstaying my welcome here lol. The job search doesn't intimidate me all that much I feel like I'm applying into the void and for some reason that is helping me not internalize the results of this whole process. I guess it might have to do with how if you think of it as applying into the void, you're not thinking about how you might be perceived by a hiring manager thus getting rid of the self consciousness. I think because I'm ready to move on from college, I've kind of adopted an *it is what it is* attitude towards the job application process. I do still find a sense of accomplishment with finishing my degree even if I didn't meet my standards I think I did an amazing job at selecting a degree that makes me feel fulfilled and that has made me feel significantly more educated in the end. I don't know what's left to come with how I will use this degree but I will say that the courses I've taken greatly impacted my personal development and the way I see the world. I genuinely feel that my education has made me a more conscious person with better critical thinking skills when it comes to practical, theoretical, and emotional matters.

It's that time of the year again CHOMP CHOMP

I mean... This place can be a pretty gnarly place for women. I found many times where I have needed to distance myself from this forum and now I'm not here much anymore.

A lot of it has to do with the constant chaos that American Gen Z has had to deal with from 9/11, the War on Terror, the 2008 Recession, active school shooter drills, economic issues ranging from not being able to afford a house and how overpriced college is, the total joke that was the 2016 and 2020 elections, and now the pandemic and overturning of abortion laws. Much of these happened to Gen Z when they were teenagers or young adults, so it was their formative years. As a result of this constant chaos, you get a chaotic sense of humor that is often used to make sense of these events and cope by acknowledging the absurdity of it all. The absurdity itself becomes a type of humor. This kind of humor rooted in absurdity and chaos is a reflection of the times and it isn't something that is new or exclusive to Gen Z. In fact, it even has it's own term, dadaism. This type of humor also came about with the generation of young people who had to live/fight through World War II since many of them were small children during World War I, the Spanish Flu, and the Great Depression. Here is a video on dadaism and how it explains Gen Z humor:

I can't believe that I'm at a point where my lists are so short because I have most of my life taken care of as of now. I still remember about a year and a half ago when my life was an absolute mess and I had like 30 items on a list. It feels so good to come this far and see this much progress in this journal. Even though the two issues above are pretty big (not seeeing blogging as an issue rather it is something to keep in mind), I still feel like I'm in a very solid place emotionally. I would do another to-do list but I don't think I can have another until after I start my next phase of my life once I get a job and move out of my parents' house.

So I feel like I'm going through a phase where I'm not super into philosophy or spirituality. I consciously took a step back from spirituality after I noticed it was taking me into an unhealthy place and decided that I needed to work on some more foundational things first. I used to be into philosophy when I was in my mid teens or so but I feel like since then I put my energy towards reflection, self awareness, and things like therapy to work on myself and have a more accurate world view rather than studying different schools of thought or philosophers for example. I feel like I have a pretty rich life and that I have found other things that interest me, that keep me curious about the world, and that challenge my ability to think criticially outside of the conventional notions of philosophy. I can see myself dipping back into more existential questions and thoughts later in a couple years or so but I was wondering what y'all thought about it: Did you go through a phase in your self development/actualization journey where you didn't care about philosophy or spirituality but still saw the value in it? Is philosophy and spirituality essential in a meaningful life if you have outlets in different places? If so, what are your outlets and how do they create meaning for you or grow you? How do you personally go about approaching philosophy and spirituality and how do you think it impacts your world view?

I wouldn't really say a subconscious fear rather it's just not my thing at the moment at least. I think my interest in philosophy waned after I took a philosophy class in high school and didn't really enjoy it. I personally found it both dense in content while also detached because of the amount of theorizing. I feel that for me personally, it is important to have some philosophy under a person's belt because it helps with reasoning skills and self questioning, but nothing beats personal experience and learning to be and move through the world in a self aware and emotinally intelligent way. In other words, it isn't experience just to experience rather it is experiencing different things in life and being mindful of what you're going through so that you get the most out of it intellectually and emotionally. I feel like my interest in spirituality is dormant since I've been taking a break from it for a year and a half. I do dip my toes back into it every now and then and I feel like I am in a much better place now to integrade spiritual lessons and concepts in a healthy way. However, while I am in a better place right now, I don't find myself being pulled towards it at the moment but I can see that changing as I create a more solid life for myself and things chill out for me a bit in my life. I'm currently dealing with a heavy course load in college, I'm going to be graduating in this December, I need to figure out the next stage of my life regarding working and finances, and I am dealing with some things regarding family right now (I'm planning on distancing myself from them but I need to be financially on my feet first plus this does come with emotional baggage as well). I am also involved in my different passions as well as prioritizing my friends and significant other in my life. And in the meantime, I try to carve out time for myself to take care of my physical and mental health so that I'm not constantly running around and burning myself out. I do this by working out, going to therapy, meditating, meditating, among other forms of self care so that I can better tackle other areas of my life.

Yeah.. I'm currently finding a lot of value from developing close quality relationships with friends, studying things that interest me, and figuring out my career and how to deal with life on my own after I graduate (i.e. finances, work life balance, finding a fulfilling career that suits my desired life style). Also, the misanthropy is something that I don't really get on this forum and how people like to paint social interaction as all superficial and just monkey chatter. I feel like that has more to do with a person's absense of quality relationships and knowing how to form healthy bonds more than it has to do with painting humanity with a broad stroke of superficiality. Yes, a lot of people aren't super developed, but especially if you consider yourself to be stage green+, I think it really shows how deep you are into those stages based on your ability to relate to people, deal with them, and see the humanity in them so that they can grow and live fulfilling lives rather than sitting on a high stage if that makes sense. As I am typing this out and reflecting on this topic after I made this post, I really do find myself more like a social scientist rather than a philosopher or sage if that makes sense. Maybe this has to do with my personal path to self actualization more than anything but I thought that I'd just put this out there.

Depends on what it is, what they learned from the experience, how they can ensure this won't happen again, if they can reflect on their past motivations and learned from them, and how they healed from the situation. I would be looking for accountibility and growth to ensure the past is just in the past. Now if it's something super serious, like for example they physically or sexually assaulted someone, I'm out.