soos_mite_ah

I hate it here so much

Some of the comments resonated with me: "I don't think my Mom hates me but I don't think she likes me much. She is deeply disappointed that I'm not the person she built up in her head and that I didn't follow the life plan she wanted me too. She's also completely uninterested in my hobbies and won't even at least feign interest." "I once read someone say that they thought their mother loved them but didn’t like them. I thought about it a lot. Definitely my mother doesn’t like me and never did. She criticised my looks, my personality, my lack of friends, but also the choice of the few friends I had, my temperament, my interests, my body, the amount of food I ate, my effectiveness as a child, the way I thought, my fears, my sensitivities, my worries... She truly was my first bully. I came to see how little self-worth she had herself, and how her life and upbringing probably scarred her. However, I can’t bring myself to feel empathy for her. I don’t know if I ever can, if I’ll ever be healed enough to give her some grace. To this day, she still belittles me. Demands. Compares. Crosses boundaries. I just told her to her face: I hate you. I carry so much rage and so much shame. I am so scared of people because how can I trust anyone when the one person who’s supposed to love you more than anything grinned when she saw you hurt by her doing? She made my life miserable because she was miserable. She made me feel small because she felt small. She humiliated me because she thought it was funny. She was cruel because she could. I honestly don’t think that she even loves me." "I think the main problem is see is treating a child like an extension of themselves. Therefore , anything the child does that doesn't match what the parents expect is immediately seen as threat / problem." "I think parenthood opens people's eyes to how limited their empathy is. Instead of learning and growing some turn to apathy and hatred for their own children. Lots of it is trauma, identity issues, and emotional immaturity (low empathy)."

Physical manifestation of stress I don't feel great physically. I'm getting a stress related eczema which is really itchy. I frequently feel overstimulated because of everything going on in mu mind and with everything going on in work. I haven't been doing my hair and I feel like I look like a mess. My neck and shoulders ache the night before work from the tension. My sex drive is also nonexistant.

Things taking a toll on me 1. The general sense of political instability Venezuela and Iran ICE especially what they're doing in Minnesota emotionally dealing with the contents around the Epstien Files AI and the slop I continuously encounter 2. grief around friendships (this can be a post of it's own) I'm experiences the different phases of grief around my friendships and the way they used to be I feel socially anxious because I don't always feel like I know how to navigate the changing landscape of friends in your 20s I'm experiencing lonliness, depression, and sometimes low self esteem 3. stress at work The AI and automation has caused upper management to expect more work out of us and I'm also dealing with more angry clients since our clients are all boomers who hate AI. I have been training some new hires which has me in the office 3x a week for the past 4 weeks and I'm working like 11 hour days I'm also on a team that's really understaffed and I'm on phones which is it's own specific kind of hell because of the way that department is managed There is also the notion that I have to hang onto this job because of the state of the world right now 4. a general sense of existential crisis I'm not sure if I want to have a kid and I'm re-evaluating a lot of thoughts around parenthood. I'm exploring what settling down means for me and what it means to build a life with a partner. I'm adjusting to living with a significant other. I have never lived with a romantic partner before and while it's going good, we're both navigating each other's habits As a result, I made the decision to fast for Ramadan even though I'm not Muslim. I fasted for Ramadan just to try it out back in 2024 and I had a good experience with it. I just really felt like using this as a mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual reset of sorts. I like how the fasting forces you to slow down and go inwards. It's only been 6 days so far and while the above still weighs me down, I do feel calmer and more centered since I have less energy to spiral. I hope that by day 30 that i would have processed much of the above.

Decentering Motherhood I moved in with my boyfriend recently into a more walkable neighborhood and I think the walkability aspect really caused me to re-envision what motherhood can look like. Sometimes I wonder if it's not motherhood I have a problem with rather it's motherhood in suburbia specifically. I think especially with the notion of the American dream, people are served this vision of the nuclear family who owns a home in the suburbs with a giant backyard. I was also exposed to a different way of raising kids in other environments since I would spend time with my family in India growing up and I also had family in Dubai. Out of all my cousins, I'm pretty much the only one who grew up in the classic American suburb kind of way. The rest of them grew up in apartments in the city. I think one of the good parts of being raised in an apartment in a walkable area of sorts is how it promotes a sense of independence in kids. I have fond memories of being a kid where my cousins and I would go down stairs to the corner store to buy some chips and play with the other neighborhood kids. I remember the youngest age I did that without adult supervision was when I was 6. I was with my 9 year old cousin and his brother, my 3 year old cousin at the time and I remember my older cousin was essentially in charge. The 3 year old would be running around and on the verge of throwing a tantrum and we had to keep him in check. I'm sure that store clerk knew who we were and hated to see us coming lmao. Looking back, I think it was also nice how from the hours of 2 pm to 6 pm we were essentially out and in the apartment complex playing with other kids downstairs not only for our social development but also that gave our parents a break as well. And as I grew older into my teen years, I remember thinking my cousins were further along in terms of feeling confident socially even though I was roughly around the same age as them because they did have that greater independence to go around wherever via public transport to hang out with their friends and go to school by themselves while I was kind of cooped up at home because I couldn't drive. That social gap has since lessened as I became an adult so it's not a death sentence but I did note on how our environments shaped us. I also remember one time my cousin telling me a story about how when he used to go and travel around Europe, occasionally he would meet some teenager in their later teen years just casually travelling around their home country. And they can do that because of public transport. In the U.S, they would have to worry about the complications of renting cars and I'm pretty sure that's straight up not allowed if you're a minor. I cannot see myself as a minivan mom. I don't want to rearrange my entire schedule around my kid, their extra curriculars, and their social lives. After a certain age (like age 10), I want them to just be able to take public transport and do what they need to do. I think a kid having a sense of independence and having their own life is good for their development. Also, I wrote about this in my previous post but I think it's important to not have your entire life revolve around your kids, both for your own sake and their sake. I think allowing them to be bored is good to help them self regulate and I think having them tag along your life rather than you rearranging your life for them teaches them to not be entitled plus how to navigate non-kid spaces after a certain age. I also mentioned that I think after having a kid, contrary to popular belief, it's even more important to mantain your friendships, community, and hobbies. It helps your kid have a more well rounded view of adulthood. It models a good life style for them. It helps them get socialized and have other adults they can look to. And it helps them explore their interests. Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to structured activities for kids. But, as a child of Asian parents who were obsessed with having their kids go to Ivy league schools, I don't think that overscheduling them with extracurriculars is the model in which to cultivate their interests. I, thankfully, didn't get the absolute extreme of this parenting style, unlike some of my peers, mainly because I grew up in a poorer area in Dallas county that didn't have as many after school activities for kids and my dad was not open to driving me an hour one way just for piano lessons for example. But I still got to explore interests by learning to be curious about my surroundings and by getting exposed to some of my parents' hobbies as well. Finally, I don't want to show my kid that being a mother is all that I am. I want them to view me as a full person. I know that's not going to be the case for the first 10 years since that's typical for their ego development at that age but I don't want the overall narrative of their childhood to be *mom was exhausted and all she had going on in her life was things that pertained to the home and family.* I think a large part will also have to do with the partner I choose so that all the work load doesn't fall on me and so that taking care of the household and kids doesn't seem like a gendered activity. I also don't want them to think regardless of gender that to be a woman is to sacrifice everything about yourself for the sake of other people. I want them to see that I'm taking care of myself and that I'm being taken care of in the context of an equal partnership where my spouse and I take care of one another. I think what it means to decenter motherhood is similar to the notion of decentering men/ romance. It doesn't mean that you can't date or be in a relationship with a man, rather it means that your relationship status, sense of validation, and overall life doesn't revolve around men, their opinions and perceptions, or any other romantic pursuits and milestones. Similarly, decentering motherhood doesn't mean that I cannot be a mother rather it means that I don't want it to totally dictate my sense of self, the way I structure my life and time, and that I'm not going to have my child be the deciding factor on every little thing I do. Is being a mother something that is a huge part of someone's life especially in the first few years? Yes. But just because it's a large part of someone's life, it doesn't mean it has to be the center and you have to neglect literally everything else. Similarly, my significant other is a large part of my life but I'm not having him tag along every time I hang out with friends, I'm not constantly bringing him up in conversations, and I have a life outside of him and the relationship.

My Concerns with Motherhood (2026 Edition): I feel like I have less of an antagonistic view of motherhood as I have been growing into adulthood. I’ve never been averse to responsibility, but I do see myself as more capable as I get older. But nevertheless, I have come concerns: Money: The world and cost of living wasn’t what it was when I was growing up. And while I think I can fare considerably better in a dual income scenario, I’m still worried about work life balance and the cost over time. I know money isn’t everything. I don’t think I need to have a $500k salary and own a house to give my kid a good life but I don’t want to give them the trauma of poverty and I don’t want to give them a bare minimum childhood either. I also think about saving money for the kid’s college or any other goal they may have. Disability: I feel like I could adapt to a situation like this and that a little risk is always there (like for example if I have a healthy child, they could still get into a car crash and deal with permanent disability). But, it is scary to think about. Pregnancy and Post-Partum: That still sounds like some sci- fi shit right there. What if I have a screamer?: I feel like I can deal with most types of toddlers. Hell, I can deal with toddler tantrums especially given my customer service background lol. But a screamer, there is very little reasoning with them. I also think about this one time I was at yoga and while finishing up my class, I overheard a lady talking to another lady in the bathroom. This lady sounded very distraught and was like “I am dreading going home because my toddler is in this phase where they are constantly screaming. This yoga class is the only time in the day where I get silence.” The other lady was trying to reassure her and say it isn’t forever and that she will get through it. But that interaction is basically my mental birth control if I’m perfectly honest. Hell, even when it comes to dogs, I don't want a husky because of how loud they whine. The baby and toddler years: Honestly, the first 3-4 years sounds like hell. I’m sure there are some very beautiful, precious moments from that stage from the first steps, the first words, etc. But I feel like I would be too overwhelmed with everything else to fully take in those moments. Other people’s feral children: I wrote about this in a previous post but I feel like I have intensified my views since AI became more mainstream.

Updating My Views on Motherhood Much of what I have written in this journal was about 1.5 to 2 years ago. The reason why I haven't written much in this journal is not because I haven't been thinking about this topic, I have, but because I have had other things come up in my life that I had to deal with. I also read through this journal again and it's interesting to see where I was at in say at 23/24 versus where I'm at now at 26. I think I'm also thinking about the topic of parenthood much more now that I have moved in with my boyfriend. We have been together for 3.5 years now and getting a place together is a big step in our relationship. From the beginning I knew he was a good boyfriend, but deciding if he is a good life partner has been a challenge since we met in our early 20s and neither of us knew what settling down looks like for us. And this big decision has been making me think of where I stand in large life decisions like parenthood and if I'm compatible with him on this. I feel like when I was 23, motherhood sounded like a death sentence for me, literally and figuratively. Literally in the sense that in the state of Texas and the overturning of Roe v. Wade, god forbid something happened in the pregancy and I needed a medical abortion, that's not really an option for me. Figuratively in the sense that my whole life would be over and I would have to reorient everything around being a parent. But now at 26, since I have a decent amount in savings, since I'm more adjusted to adult life, I have more confidence within myself around navigating uncertainty with resiliance, and because I'm more emotionally self-regulated, motherhood seems less like a death sentence. If I found out I was preganant and I don't have the option to abort now, I would still freak out because it is a huge challenge, but it wouldn't feel like my life is over in the same way it would if the same scenario happened to me at 23. I definitely feel like I'm more capable now. That doesn't mean that the desire is there or that I should. For example, I'm capable of getting through law school, but that doesn't mean that I want to or i should. Same goes for parenthood. I feel like I'm capable of being a good parent but I'm still trying to figure out if this is what I genuinely want in my life. I wrote about this back in December 2021 and then I revisted it in March 2023 and I want to explore similar points again: Thought #1: Would I Even Make a Good Parent?: Yes, I feel like I would make a good parent given how carefully I'm thinking this decision through and given the work I have done in my personal life both in terms of healing from generational issues as well as the life I have built for myself so far. Thought #2: Kids are Draining: I'm starting to shift on how I feel about dealing with kids and I have gotten better at it over the years. I don't really think kids are draining.... but toddlers and babies on the other hand.... I have accepted the notion that if I decide to have a kid, the first 3-4 years is going to be hell. Will it always be that way? No. Is the 3-4 year of hell worth the human connection and experience afterwards? I'm still figuring that out. I still relate to this: I think if I decide to have a kid, having a good partner is crucial for me. I was also hearing a lot of horror stories of women who started living with their partners and how that ruined the relationship and put them in a position where they were doing a majority of the housework to take care of a grown man. I feel like for my relationship specifically, I dont' think that I'm doing more or less domestic labor because I have a partner who is not offloading much of the responsibility on to me. In some ways, living with a partner makes certain things in life easier in terms of household management. In my opinion, the wrong partner doubles your household responsibilities while the right one cuts it in half. I say all of this to say that raising a kid is a lot of work but having a competent partner makes things suck considerably less. Thought #3: Loving Your Kids but Hating Motherhood I'm still figuring out if motherhood is for me. I understand that prioritizing a lot of things after becoming a parent is harder once you have a kid. As a result, I do intend on fulfilling a number of personal and financial goals before I make a decision like this. At the same time, I think even though society can reduce women down to just mothers, that doesn't mean that you have to as well. I think in the same way you can decide not have your marriage take over your entire life, you can do the same with parenthood. I think you can still maintain your hobbies as a parent, it will likely look very different. Maybe you don't have time to go to the gym and life weights 3x a week but instead, your physical activity comes in the form of running after your kid in the park. Maybe you don't get to have dinner and drinks with your friends but you do get to invite them over to your place and they can also get to know your kid and be an adult in their life. Maybe you will have to put travel on hold for like 3 years but then after that, you can bring your kid along for smaller, more budget friendly trips. And if you do need time for yourself, I think you should take it. It's not selfish. If anything, it will be good for the kid to see that you have a life outside of parenthood and that you're prioritizing yourself rather than having motherhood run you dry. My point is, I don't think that parenthood should be a reason to abandon your hobbies or your community/ friend circile. If anything, I think maintaining your friendships, community, and your hobbies becomes more important, not less, once you have a kid because it can allow your kid to see you as a whole person, it can help them explore their interests, and it can serve as an education on how to maintain relationships as you grow in different stages of your life. It also teaches the kid that not everything revolves around them which can teach them to be more understanding, less entitled, and more independent. I feel like for me, motherhood becomes less appealing to me when I think of the blueprint of centering your life around motherhood. Don't get me wrong, I think motherhood is a great part of my life but I don't think it should fully dominate everything. I feel like I could do another post dedicated to this as well. Thought #4: Birthing the Kid vs Adopting: I feel like I'm still scared about giving birth. But given my experience with surgery and the recovery time for that, I feel like I'm generally in good shape and I don't have a huge history in my family of difficult births. I have heard a couple of horror stories but nothing too insane. I feel like if I keep myself in good health generally speaking things will go smoothly. Will I have to take time to recover from it? Absolutely. Am I capable of that? I feel like that's a yes. I think the surgery experience I had about a year ago made me a bit more confident in this regard. I know it's not a one to one comparison but I do think I see myself as more resiliant and able to cope. Adoption is something that I'm open to but I don't think it's my first option. I have a lot of complex thoughts around adoption and the ethics around it given the way that the adoption and foster care system is corrupted. I also don't know if I'm qualified to take in a kid from the system and raise them in the right way because a lot of kids from the system do come with a lot of baggage to navigate (note: this is no hate towards the kid and I don't mean this as a negative fact, more so neutral, but it is something to take into consideration). I have a friend who is a therapist and who is physcially not able to have a kid due to health reasons but she is thinking of one day adopting a teenager from the system as a part of her family. I think out of all the people I know, because of her professional and personal background, I think that is the best option for her. And personally, I don't think of myself in that camp though I might be open to it as an alternative. Thought #5: Unconventional Maternal Energy : Yeah, I think my maternal energy is very different from the typical baby fever variety. But over the last couple of years, I have grown to understand that the things that draw me to motherhood don't make me less maternal, just differently so. And I don't think this is a draw back. Thought #6: The Moving Parts of Being a Good Mother: I wrote about my concerns back in 2021 and then I wrote about how I feel more reassured in 2023. This is what I wrote: I feel like it rings even more true now. And I think I would be fully ready once I reach my 30s if this is the trajectory I want to take my life. Thought #7: The Chaos of the World : I have written about my concerns about climate change, late stage capitalism, and the general mess we're in as a country. But also, since travelling, I do have more hope for the situation in the U.S. and I doubt that this is the way it's always going to be. I feel like me choosing to have a kid is less about having faith in my immediate future 5 years down the line but more so the hope I have for the future 20+ years from now. Thought #8: The Finality of Having Kids : While I do think that having kids is a very permanent decision, and as a result it's something to be very carefully thought out and not something to rush into by any means, I think the attitude I had about this in the past is seeing parenthood as a death sentence of sorts. I think parenthood can evolve over time to be more or less intensive and it's not something that is stagnant even though it's final. Personally, I want to at least be in my mid 30s when I have a kid (between the ages of 33 and 38) because I want to live a very full life before then. Not because I can't have a full life after having a kid but because I want to have a lot of experiences I can pour into the kid. If I decide to have a kid, I have the rest of my life to spend as a parent, so why rush? That's my attitude anyways. I understand fertility can be a bit of an issue and they say that pregancies after 35 are "geriatric" or "doubles the risk for certain disorders." But I do think some of that is overstated due to misinterpretations and existing biases to push women to have kids sooner rather than later. For example, let's say you're the average woman with no family history of genetic disorders and as a result, for example's sake, you have a 1% chance of having a kid with a disorder if you have the kid before 35. Then, let's say the risk increases by 50%. Your new risk is 1.5% not 51% because 50% of 1 is .5 and the 50% increase equals to 1+.5=1.5. So a 1.5% risk vs a 51% risk are two very different things in terms of the data you're using to make an informed decision. However, let's say you are coming from a family with a history of genetic disorders and the risk you had before turning 35 is 20%. After 35, the new risk is 30% which is a considerabley higher. So that's when you need to take the age part more into consideration. I also wrote about the following in 9/2023: I also still agree from the following section from 9/2023:

Nihilism Part 11: Luxury Poverty I have encountered the concept of luxury poverty a few months ago and how that's the state that a lot of people, especially Gen Z lives in right now. I remember thinking about how that can contribute to a broader sense of cultural nihilism but I have been having trouble in articulating that until as of recently. Luxury poverty refers to how the economy has flipped in recent days to where necessities like healthcare, childcare, and rent are getting more expensive, while luxuries like the newest flat screen TV, appliances, travel, and designer goods are getting cheaper relative to income. I found a bunch of videos on this but I think this video does a good job explaining this: Luxury poverty creates a situation where compulsive consumption and cheap luxuries are more appealing than long term goals. There is an incentive to live now and teat yourself over the delayed gratification of long term financial goals. Why try to save money for a house when that's pretty out of reach for the average person when you can stop worrying about the housing market and go treat yourself to a Labubu and a matcha latte? This fuels this sense of nihilism because when long term goals like having kids, going to college, buying a house are out of reach, it's like *what's the point?* And as an alternative, we can numb outselves with compulsive consumerism and cheap luxuries to deal with the existential dread of losing the typical pathways of generating meaning in our lives. I think that this video goes into depth on how this addictive tendency manifests in us frying our dopamine receptors and that is leading us to be less fulfilled. I'm going to list out a few key points I thought were important: "I don't think you're husband is lazy, I think he's lost. And when someone feels lost, in other words no vison for their life, no purpose, no meaning, no direction, then I do think that the defaut mode is to distract oneself with pleasure and that's the antithesis of work." Dopamine isn't inherently bad, it can come with the consequences of giving us good feelings when we do what's good for us. The problem with addictions is that it bypasses the work that is necessary to get the good feelings and it goes straight for the good feelings or dopamine itself. Addictions take a way pain and gives us pleasure so now that we live in a world with an increase of depression, anxiety, isolation, and a sense of purposeless or meaninglessness, this becomes very appealing. We also have our natural healthy sources of dopamine get depleated and we are getting introduced to this artificial, addictive source of dopamine in the form of things like social media. I think this also applies to the luxury poverty phenomenon where healthy sources of dopamine from long term goals are becoming out of reach so short term gratification becomes more appealing. The more we use technology, it deprives us from getting joy from other places. For example, reading becomes boring if you're used to getting huge dopamine spikes from hyperspecific algorithms in Tiktok. I think you can apply the same logic in the form of shopping addictions and overconsumption. People who are content can tolerate not having pleasure. I agree with this. I think since a lot of people are struggling with the lack of contentment from the cost of living crisis, it's easy to default into trying to maximize for pleasure or other negative coping mechanisms that further fuck up your finances like DoorDashing all your meals. Boredom is healthy. There is subconcious emotional processing and creativity. Emotional supression = substances can be abused to supress emotions and increase pleasure = addiction = no bueno (supressing the negative emotions can also help people feel normal temporarily which increases their dependence on it which can be difficult to treat) The human body and brain are designed for a good amount of idle time. That's when you process your emotions and learning. So when we use a lot of technology or we're super focussed on efficiency, we get in our own way of processing things so stuff comes up when we finally get the idle time when we're trying to sleep. >> silence is an important way to understand yourself but instead we're getting all this information from the outside (when you listening to too much parenting advice, that can become counter productive. The best decisions come internally but also, you want to be mindful that you aren't filling your mind with bad information) I think when you're in the luxury poverty trap, because you aren't content with your life, you have trouble tolerating not having pleasure. As a result of not being able to tolerate situations without pleasure, you also have trouble handling feelings of boredom which then translates to not processing your emotions and living a less passionate, more nihilistic life. I also think that the noise from social media as well how common it is to work long hours and monetize all your hobbies also interferes with your ability to process things as well since you're constantly on the go. When we're angry or sad, our emotional peripherial vision gets narrower > we cannot see all the possibilities, we only see one. I feel like this goes back to how ideology isn't just what's around us but it's also all the wrong ways we hope to escape it and how people who are upset with capitalism unknowingly, end up having fantasies about capitalism to escape capitalism. I wrote about it more here:I think the discontentment that capitalism brings makes it tough to psychologically try to envision a better future for ourselves. People who are super into efficiency are greedy. It's this nortion of *I want more* where you try to milk each and every second of a day.

Thoughts Around Moving in with My Boyfriend It's been about 1 month and I feel like I'm still adjusting to living with him. Up until now, I always had a really smooth relationship with him but I think moving in together has been a bit of a rougher patch. And I want to explore that a little bit. 1. First world problems: I always knew that my white American boyfriend and I had cultural differences but I don't think it started causing friction until we started living together. I know this sounds dismissive but I feel like so many things he complains about are first world problems. For example, if I take food out to go from a restaurant and the box they gave me is actually somewhat strudy and reusable, I save those containers to use as tupperware later on. This annoys him because those are still supposed to be disposible and that I should buy regular tupperware since those stack easily in the cabinets and look nicer. Another example is how I tend to wear shirts even if they have a tiny hole in them that you wouldn't notice unless you were up in my space. I like to use my clothes until they are destroyed and I have fixed them up a few times not only because I don't like waste but also because I don't want to contribute to fast fashion. This annoys him because he's of the opinion that once a shirt has a small hole in it, it's time to get rid of it and get something new. Finally, we have been hit by a winter storm in Texas. Don't get me wrong, I do think that it's important to stock up and prepare since Texas doesn't have the infrastructure to cope with weather like this. But this man has been preparing like we're going to be snowed in for months and as if the apocalypse is going to happen. And I told him point blank that it's good that we're going through basic prep but given that it's Texas and shit doesn't last for too long, it really doesn't scare me to be cold and hungry for 2-3 days if things got dire. I think for him, he's freaked out by a degree of discomfort and inconvenience. And that rubs me the wrong way because I was taught to be able to overlook the small things, endure uncomfortable situations, and preserve/ make the most of what I can get because of my immigrant parents and what I was exposed to in other parts of the world. That said, I do respect that he wants a higher standard of living for the both of us. Just because you can endure not so great situations doesn't mean that you have to stay there and justify it. 2. Being perfectionistic when it comes to cleaning: He's always complaining about the grout, he's freaking out over the imperfect paint job near where the shower meets the walls, and he's meticulously washing the windows. I'm glad that he has an attention to detail and that he wants to take care of these things for the household. I'd much rather prefer this to having to pick up after a grown ass man and deal with weaponized incompetence. But it gets to a point where he fixates on the flaws with this place instead of being able to enjoy it. I do clean just to keep up with basic hygiene but I feel like there is no such thing as good enough for this man. And while I respect his attention to detail and the way he wants to do a thorough job with things (honestly, I can learn from him here), it can get nitpicky and annoying after a certain point. 3. Cooking: This man is paranoid about food poisoning. I keep getting lectures on food safety over the most minor things. For example, I accidentally heated up more chicken than what we were going to eat and I was going to put the remaining amount back in the fridge and then I got a lecture about how cooling and reheating food multiple times can get you sick. Another time, I was doing something in the kitched and I scratched the tip of my nose. I didn't pick my nose, I didn't sniffle, it was just the smallest scratch. Then, that man made wash my hands for 3 minutes before I did anything else and I got a 10 minute lecture on how Gordon Ramsey would have gotten on to me about this and how this wouldn't be allowed in a professional kitchen. He also is really meticulous on cross contamination when it comes to raw meat and he doesn't like food that has been in the fridge saving for too long. He has also thrown a tantrum with the dishwasher because it didn't perfectly wash all the dishes and there was a little spec left on one of the bowls. Finally, whenever there is a fruit or vegetable that's a bit spoiled, normally I would cut out the spoiled piece and then use the remaining portion that wasn't spoiled. He makes me throw the whole thing away and that annoys me because it's wasteful. All that said, I did have a reduction on stomach aches over the duration of our relationship once I started following his rule about not eating food after a certain number of days even if it looks fine. So, my problem with all of this isn't that he's wrong. My problem is that he's doing the absolute most and he's being paranoid. It's good to keep these things generally in mind so you don't get sick but you don't have to panick about one little thing being off. It's gonna take a whole lot more to full on kill you of food poisoning for example. In most cases, either you won't feel it or you might have a small stomach ache. On top of all of this, for the first 2 weeks of us living together, we didn't have a proper bed or mattress so we were sleeping on this super uncomfortable pull out couch. The couch bed is fine for a couple days or so but when you're sleeping on that for 2 weeks straight, that's when it takes a toll on you. Thankfully for the last couple weeks, we did get a proper bed and we have been sleeping better. I feel like that helped my mental health. But I'm mentioning all of this to say that his man has been annoying the fuck out of me over the littlest things. And I'm going to be honest, I have been super dry despite wanting to have sex as a result of me being constantly annoyed. --------------------------------------------------- That said, me being overwhelmed isn't just his fault. I'm also putting pressure on myself as well and this whole thing has been an adjustment for me. 1. I've been hyper aware of all of my bad habits: I feel like this is the case because I don't want my boyfriend to side eye / judge me. I mean, he's not super judgemental but it's more along the lines of *I don't want to embarrass myself in front of my crush.* Like I'm making sure that I'm brushing my teeth and doing my skincare routine every night, that I'm more consistent with things like working out and drinking water, and that I'm not doomscrolling my entire weekend away. All of this is good but I do feel like my own perfectionistic tendencies are creeping in along with this new pressure to be consistent with good habits. 2. I feel like he has a front row seat to all my mental health issues: I would say that I'm a high functioning depressed person. I feel like in most situations people cannot tell because I hang out with people normally, I do my job, I work out and eat healthy etc. Like, even if I was having a bad day, I can self regulate for a few hours, do what I need to do, and then be alone with my thoughts. But I feel like now that we are living together, he sees my crash outs more. I did open up to him about things before so this isn't coming from an emotionally unavailble place for me, but I'm not used to this degree of emotional vulnerability. I feel like this is different from just having a roommate because your significant other is more invested in you and your emotions and it's also hard to privately cry yourself to sleep when you share a bed with someone. It just feels really vulnerable living with a significant other and I'm still adjusting to that. 3. I'm also having an existential crisis over my future: This is a really big step for us as a couple and I do find myself thinking about what living in a walkable city would be like, if I want to have kids etc. I remember even before us living together, I had a couple of sleepless nights where I was thinking how at the end of 2026, I'm either going to end a 4.5 year relationship or I'm getting engaged, there is no in between. I feel like I'm grappling with the weight of this and that I'm leaning towards the former. At the same time, I'm trying to remind myself not to do anything impulsive and not jump to any conclusions because we're both still adjusting to one another right now and we don't have all the information to make a good decision. 4. No more "girl dinner": When I was living by myself, when I didn't feel like cooking dinner, I would eat a random assortment of snacks and call it a night. But now that I'm living with a grown ass man who eats almost twice as much as I do, we have to make dinner every night and have sides. I'm not used to cooking this much and I think it's something that I'm adjusting to. I'm still trying to figure out portion sizes for the both of us so I'm not here cooking too much or too little and I'm going to have to accept that my grocery budget is going to be considerably higher going forward. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I also feel like a lot of positives are coming out of this as well: 1. I'm happy I get the little moments with him: The big reason why I wanted to move in with him is because I feel like we reached a point in our relationship where I wanted to enjoy the little things in life with him like cooking meals together, doing the laundry while we're in each others presance, making each other some hot chocolate after a cold walk, cuddling every night etc. And while it's a bit of an adjustment on how vulnerable it gets sometimes, I find that overall it's been a good experience and it's bringing us closer. 2. I feel like this is helping me figure my life out: I feel like the main reason I don't know what settling down looks like for me yet is that I'm lacking in certain life experiences. I feel like this is helping me get a better understanding of what I want and where to go from here and this new experience is giving me opportunities to look at questions I have had for a whlie in a different light. 3. Life does overall feel lighter with him: I know he's kind of annoying me right now but I think that's part of the transition as we get used to each others quirks. I also know that some women, particularly those who have to deal with the weaponized incompetence and uneven distribution of household labor, talk about how their work doubled when they started living with a man. But I feel like in my situation, since I have an equal partner who I can lean on for support emotionally and in terms of splitting the household labor, my work doesn't feel doubled, it feels like it was halved. Like on days where I'm overwhelmed with work, I can go for a work out and not have to worry about dinner because he will take care of it. And then, later on, I can do the same for him. This has helped me stay consistent on some good habits and helped me take a break here and there, I have also heard the take that a good marriage isn't hard because your partner is making things hard, it's hard because life is hard and you two need to learn to navigate that together. I can definitely see this person being a good partner throughout a lot of life's ups and downs on a day to day basis and we can make things easier for each other in the process. 4. I do enjoy being able to have physical contact with him more frequently: It's really nice being able to cuddle each other every night and being able to have physical affection throughout the day instead of having to wait all week.

Is independence way to avoid conformity? If anything, I believe that living by yourself in America is the conformist take and that living intergenerationally is going against the post war norms of this country.

I think it's a case by case basis and that we shouldn't romanticize multigenerational living OR getting kicked out at 18 to start your own life away from family. The pros of multigenerational living is that you have a built in sense of community to help you out. It can foster closer emotional bonds, helps people save money, and can be good for the environment because you're sharing resources rather than having to get a whole new place for each person. I think child rearing in these situations are healthier because the giant responsibility doesn't fall on one or two people and everyone can pitch in and the child also have multiple role models and people who are actively in their lives. In an ideal world, I would want my kid to be brought up in an environment like this. . However, these pros are under the assumption that you have a more or less healthy family dynamic. If anyone is abusive, doesn't understand boundaries, or is out here creating chaos and dysfunction, living in a multigenerational household can get really messy really quickly to where people are feeding off of each other's toxicity. Unfortunately, with my family's dynamic, since I don't live in an ideal world, I have decided to get my own space. The pros of living in a more nuclear and atomized fashion is that you get more independence to assert your own sense of individuality. Because you are less reliant on people, you are less likely to get emeshed. Boundaries becomes MUCH easier to employ and maintain. It forces you to learn a lot of important life skills since you're responsible for the whole thing. Also, if you have a sense of self reliance, economically, emotionally, and other wise, you're less likely to stay in circumstances that aren't healthy for you since you have the means to fend for yourself. However, these pros really do flourish if you still have a sense of community and regular socialization outside of your home. Otherwise, you kind of turn into a hermit with not a lot of social skills and that can cause you to stagnate in a lot of ways in life. And even if you are independent, it's still important to know when or where to ask for help and also return the favor.

Background Character Energy I feel like a background character in my own life. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I have tried to find ways to resolve it and make sense of it over the years. I've been told "oh, you feel like a background because you let life happen to you and you don't take charge or responsibility." But that's not true. I do take charge of my own life and I have goals and ambitions. But I still feel like a background character. I have been told "oh, it's because you don't have a life. You need to go out and live." But that's not true. I have a job, interests, hobbies, and friends. I have even tried to take a page out of the "how to be a main character" book and I have tried romanticizing my own life and be present. I do that, and I still feel like a background character. I'm also not a people pleaser. I have passions and hobbies. I'm not a critic looking at life with disdain from the side lines. I listen to my own wants, needs, and boundaries. But I still feel like a background character. And in a way, it's kind of freeing. I'm not making the same dumb mistakes the plot worthy main character makes and I'm not going through gnarly character development. I kind of show up for .2 seconds, become a meme, and the go off screen to live my best life. I dance like no one is watching. I wrtie like no one is going to read it. I travel like no one will hear my stories. I work out like no one will see my athleticism. I get good grades like no one will reward me for them. I live my life as if no one will remember I was on this earth, because no one will. I am a very intrinsically motivated person which is something i have always loved about myself. But at the same time, I feel like there isn't anything noteworthy about me. I'm not pretty, but I'm not ugly either. I'm not smart, and I'm not dumb. I'm not interesting, but I'm not bland either. I don't see myself as particularly good or bad. I see myself as having the capacity to be perceived or embrace either way. I just feel like I'm kind of ... there. This also feels freeing in a certain way because I don't have a super solid ego and I have a more nuanced image of myself and as a result, I'm more open to growth and feedback. And it's so weird because growing up, I have been described as stealthy and secretive, but I have never made the effort to hide anything. I've always been.. just here. I just don't think anyone notices. And sure, I have body image issues, but on top of that, seeing photos of myself always felt uncanny. I also think that my history with childhood emotional neglect from my family might contribute to this. I have heard that people who have been neglected in the past often think that their presance doesn't mean anything and are often shocked when people say that they are missed. I find myself relating to this. Maybe that's why, despite having a full life, I feel like a ghost who has no impact on people or things.

I'm waiting to see how the midterms go to see what to do from there.

Feelings Going into 2026 I wrote about how I was feeling a sense of dread around New Years for 2024 and 2025: I feel like this time around, I'm not really feeling a sense of dread, just exhaustion. I feel a little burnt out at my job and they keep piling things on in my department. But I can also recognize that this is kind of my fault because I don't really take my PTO. I'm also not too happy about what's going on politically especially given that we started some shit with Venezuela yesterday. But I also feel some degree of hope from the Zohran win and the Katie Wilson win. Also, while the Trump presidency is still going on, I feel like the most intense part where they try to pass everything in the first 100 days is over. And it's good to see people being resistant to this administration. I think compared to the posts above, I feel more confident in myself, my ability to handle adult responsibilities, and my ability to handle uncertainty as I'm getting older. The dread I feel regarding my job has subsided in the sense that I dealt with a lot of the emotions regarding my career and a sense of stagnation last year. The dread I feel regarding responsibility and aging parents is still there in the back of my mind but also, again given my greater sense of confidence around the unknown, I feel like it's much easier to deal with and not nearly as big of a thing taking up space in my mind. I also feel more confident in myself financially since 2024 which speaks to me having a better relationship with money. I think the main thing that contributes to this sense of exhaustion is feeling like I don't have much free time. I just really miss the extended breaks I would get from school. I also think me being so busy during the holiday season contributes to this. I hosted Thankgiving, I had a number of social obligations I had to meet. I moved apartments. And I also got sick a couple times. All while work being busier than ever. I think I also fell off track with exercising and cooking at home. I have been doing what I can with the time and energy I have and it's fine that I prioritize some things over having a perfect work out schedule / diet. But I really want to get back on track in January, not in a *new year new me let me lose weight* kind of way but in a *hey, I need to get back on track when it comes to taking care of myself* kind of way. I think another aspect to this sense of exhaustion is that I'm also still mildly depressed because of what's happening in the world and my social life being kind of dry. It feels like the world is getting less and less human because of AI and convenience culture. I'm also mourning a lot of relationships and the way that they have changed over the last couple of years. I knew relationships will change as we grow up, but I wasn't expecting so many of my relationships feel like they have gotten shallower. Sometimes it feels like I don't know my friends and that they don't know me anymore and that's difficult to sit with sometimes. But I do feel like I have a lot to look forward to. I'm living with my boyfriend and we have a nice place in a walkable area. I want to get into baking with him. And I have a few goals to reach fitness wise. I also think living with him and living in a walkable area is going to help me reduce my screentime and touch grass lol. And overall, I think this is a good environment for healthy habits. I also think that living together will help me figure out what I want from my life which is kind of scary and exciting at the same time. So, I guess we'll just see how that goes.

Class Conscious Christmas This is a pretty late post but I have been running around trying to move into my new apartment during the month of December. I opened TikTok and I saw a bunch of people talking about how they can't wait to see the rich people Christmas hauls. And this is not a new phenomenon, I saw this happen before in 2024 and it felt more jarring then. It felt more jarring because Luigi Mangione killed the United Healthcare CEO in December 4th, everyone was cheering him on for a couple weeks and then there was an overlapping time people were back to simping for rich people again the moment they brought out the Christmas hauls. I can name a few reasons why people would watch these hauls. Some people hate watch it or do it out of morbid curiousity to a class they don't really have access to in their regular lives. Some people watch it to live vicariously through the person doing the haul. That can come from a place of jealousy, a place of seeing this as aspirational content, and as a fantasy of sorts. It reminds me of the Slavoj Zizek quote "Ideology is not just the world we live in, but especially the wrong ways we imagine to escape it."And I think that fantasizing about being a rich person or being part of the ruling class is part of the problem because at that point, you don't want liberation and you don't want to dismantle the existing structure, you just want to put yourself at the top of the hiearchy. And freedom is something that needs to be applied for all because freedom for some is not freedom at all, it's privilege. And I'm not saying that the people who are consuming the Christmas haul content are bad people or that their these conniving slimeballs with no class consciousness at all who want to scheme their way to the top. I think there is probably at least some overlap between people cheering on Luigi and people who watch these hauls statistacally. What I am saying is that while a lot of people have a sense that things aren't great in the world, they haven't fully deconstructed the ideology of capitalism and as a result, it shows up in their desires and the way they move through the world. So long as overconsumption, celebrity culture, idealization of rich people and billionaires, and luxury is romanticized, there is a lower chance of us doing something about the state of the cost of living crisis, the lack of health care, the housing crisis, etc. and there is a lower chance of use revolting. While the wealthy of the Gilded Age relied on providing public goods such as libraries and museaums to stay in the good graces of those under them, today's wealthy rely on the fantasy of wealth to titilate our selfish urges so that we're too busy fantasizing a life of luxury for ourselves rather than a collective sense of well being. The best example of this is Sprinkle Sprinkle Feminism because it talks so much of having this soft life of being provided for by a man and it claims to do so in almost this anti-capitalist *I don't dream of labor* way and almost this feminist *being a mother and homemaker are legitmate forms of labor and self actualizastion.* But the reason why I say almost is that the solution to attaining these things is through a rich man, not systemic change. Statistically, we're not all going to marry a rich man, not to mention this doesn't consider women from the global south. Also, men deserve to have good working conditions and a soft life where they aren't stressed constantly and can have time with their familes. And you don't really see the Sprinkle Sprinkle girlies advocate for things like required maternity and paternity leave, increase in minimum wage, affordable child care, better work life balance for everyone etc. Because they aren't advocating for liberation for everyone, they're advocating for liberation of themselves and therefore they're just advocating for priviledge in the form of the fantasy of being an upper class woman. And in the fantasy of being an upper class woman, you still have to uphold capitalism ideologically. The same parallels can be applied to the fantasy being sold by the rich people Christmas hauls. The fantasy is thinking about getting a Gucci bag because you can afford it and not having to worry about rent, the cost of health care, college tuition, or other financial obligations. I don't think there is anything wrong with the fantasy of wanting this feeling of abundance to escape from precarity and instability of getting your basic needs met. I think the problem lies in how we go about fantasizing about that and how that translates to actions. The way we move from precarity to abundance isn't through being able to afford a Gucci bag, it's through massive social and economic reform. I no longer fantasize about luxury. I fantasize about whatever gets us closer to this: I think this is indicative of where I'm at with my journey of class consciousness. The thing that bothers me about these hauls is the overconsumption of it all. I see all of these expensive things and I think of all of the people it could have helped. I don't think there is anything wrong with liking or wanting nice things, but a lot of luxury these days are over priced garbage devoid of the quality and craftsmanship that gave these brands prestige in the first place, all because they want to maximize profits by making things as cheaply as they can and selling them at the most expensive price point they can get away with. Hell, I can think of a couple nice things I want. I personally want a nice Persian rug that I want to get by going to Tabriz myself in person. I want to choose the rug. I want to explore the city and get a sense of the textile industry. I want a good quality, world renowned rug that can last a couple life times and that will look far better than my knockoff Wayfair rug that is already getting damaged due to sun bleaching and I haven't even had it for 3 years. This is a purchase and experience I want to have once I have "made it."I think the quality over quantity mindset can help aid in minimizing over consumption and mindless consumption, and as a result, I'm not opposed to wanting nice things. I also think wanting nice things also entails in holding companies and corporations into account because you're standing up your quality of life rather than accepting whatever cheap, souless, industrial slop they give you so they can take all your money. I think as a society under late stage capitalism, we are materialistic in all the wrong ways and we're not materialistic enough in all the right ways. We're materialisitic in the way that we see things as disposible and as way to flaunt status to appeal to this fantasy of wealth. We opt for consumerism and convenience over collective liberation and community. We settle for copious amounts industrial slop rather than advocating for something meaningful, curated, and with a human touch. We aren't materialistic in the true sense of the word where we care about the material of things and have literacy around the way things are created and constructed. We aren't materialistic in the way of advocating for better material conditions for the working class. And we aren't materialistic enough to be truly intuned with our desires to where we can fulfill them in a healthy and substantive way.

Unc Status I feel like I hit unc status around my 26th birthday. I went to a religious event a couple months back and this place had a few hundred people from a variety of ages. I just went with my family there. As I was waiting for the line in the bathroom, I came across a few pandemic babies (they have to be around 5-7 years old lol) and they were giggling and doing the "6 7" meme with the hand motions. They made eye contact with me so I did it back to them. The kids were all shocked and excited lol. Then they started asking me a bunch of questions since they didn't see me around before and one of the questions were "Who are you? Are you someone's mom?" That took me back a little bit and my initial thought was *No, I'm not a mother, I'm not ready for that yet, do not wish that on me you crotch goblin.* But what I said was *no, I'm just here with my family. I graduated from school and I'm just working now.* I continued talking to them and told them a little bit of what I do in my free time and I asked them little questions about themselves as well. But after that interaction, I honestly couldn't blame the pandemic babies because to be fair, I'm probably closer to their parents' age than I am to them. Then at the same event, I had another situation that had occurred. I saw this guy and I though he was kinda cute. Obviously I didn't approach him or say anything because I'm in a relationship but I did observe him from a distance lol. And while I was observing I saw him with his wife and I was *oh shit, he's married, this is awkward for me.* And then later I saw him with a baby, actually multiple babies. Not only is he married, but he's married with child. I know damn well that judging by the age of kids that it's unlikely that he had triplets but basically, he and 2 other guys were basically switching the babies back and forth. Like these guys were just looking after the kids during this event as their wives were socializing. That's around the time I went from *oh this guy is cute* to *I wonder which one is his kid* like it's some kind of game. I felt a little weird afterwards. I sat there thinking *whose uncle was I checking out?* But at the same time, it didn't feel like I was checking out an older man and the whole thing felt age appropritate. Judging by his looks and the way he carried himself, he was probably max 33. And this isn't a new realization but this was the time it really hit me that *oh, getting married and having kids is like age appropriate for me now.* I have also gone to a couple of weddings with people my age this year. I'm also thinking about marriage with my current partner so that doesn't seem too shocking. But the having kids thing still does feel wild to me. I have met people my age who are parents but I don't think it's going to hit me until one of my friends gets pregnant. And as I have been moving through my mid twenties, I have been trying curb my shock at these major life choices people are making because I don't want to fall into the trap of infantilizing them. Do I think it's advisable to make major life decisions before age 25 before your brain is done cooking? No. But can I also recognize that people may have different life situations which would make decisions like this make sense. Sure. That said, I still think getting married and having kids in your late teens and early twenties is pretty early and a little concerning. I feel that infantilizing other people can lead to you looking down on them or absolving them from responsibility. On top of that, I don't want to fall into the trap of infantilizing myself and seeing myself as less capable than I think I am. I think this video does a good job at articulating my thoughts around infantilization: That's another thing, I don't want to underestimate myself when it comes to self infantilization. I feel like this also goes into a lot of stuff that I also wrote about in the past: But I think my general attitude for reaching various milestones as you approach your mid twenties is that just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Sure, I have enough money saved up for a down payment on a house right now. But that doesn't mean that buying a house would be wise financial and life style decision for me. I could get married considering I have a healthy and loving relationship, but that doesn't mean I should because there are certain things about my life that I'm still figuring out in terms of what settling down looks like for me and I don't know if I'm compatible on that level with my current partner yet. I could have a kid in that I think I'm capable of handling motherhood and everything that comes with it but that doesn't mean that I should have a kid because I'm not financially ready, I'm not logistically ready in my life, and I don't even know if I genuinely want to be a parent. And because of this attitude, I do have a grain of skepticism when I see acquaintences getting married, having kids, buying houses etc. Because while these are big milestones, I don't know to what extent this is coming from a healthy, well thought out place. I have seen people make permanent decisions where they didn't fully think things through and then they're in a situation where their life might look good on paper but it feels like hell living in it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this from a negative place where I'm side eyeing everyone's milestones. For all I know again, they're probably making these big decisions based on what makes sense in their lives and just because it doesn't make sense for me and my life, that doesn't mean that it's a bad decision. But I'm not out here putting these milestones on a pedestal and I'm not seeing them as some kind of achievement that says something about a person. And I'm definitely not out here looking at people who have yet to reach these milestones in an infantilizing light either where they're some how less of an adult. However, there are certain things that will cause me to not take you seriously as an adult. A short list can include: getting drunk at a wedding of someone decades younger than you to the point where you try to bribe security, cause fights, and eventually have to get escorted out cheating on your spouse, especially if you have kids with them dating someone who is old enough to be your kid technically believing conspiracy theories because you don't know how the world works seeing the world in very black and white terms which can indicate a lack of critical thinking and/or life experience falling for get rich quick schemes or the trap of short term gratification (or really anything in the manosphere) romanticizing sugar baby / trophy wife culture excessive consumerism whether it be in the form of luxury goods or constant Temu shopping sprees having work and how much you make be your identity being a scammer / having really weird morals or having self interest be the only guiding factor to your morals people who get stagnant after their mid twenties and act as if their life is pretty much over people who cannot do basic adult responsibilities because they never learned how (imiddle aged men who can't make a basic meal because they have been relying on their wives for the past 20 years, middle aged women who don't know how to pay bills, weaponized incompetence etc. I'm not talking about people who have health issues in this category) And what I mean by I'm not taking you seriously as an adult, I'm not saying that I don't see you as an adult because again, it goes back to the infantilization bit and I don't want to absolve the other person from responsibility or the increased standards you should be able to meet at your big age. I'm saying that I see you as an adult but you're not meeting the treshold of being an elder and guide to a community. The first bullet point is kind of specific lol due to a situation I encountered a couple weekends ago. There is a guy in my religious community (lets call him H) and he is a bit younger than my dad, so around late 50s early 60s. I didn't know this guy too well because I don't really hang around him or his family since 1. he didn't have kids my age (they're both a decade older than me) and 2. my parents don't like him. All I knew is that he kind of seemed like the overly opportunistic real estate kind that gave off a bit of a slimey vibe. But apparently, he's had a drinking problem for a couple decades now and the situation with him causing a fight and getting escorted out by security is kinda a recurring thing for this man. He's also dating a woman who is like +15 years younger than him. And he scammed multiple people in our community of thousands of dollars plus made a shit ton of money in the 2008 housing crisis by exploiting the fuck out of that situation. Everything about him just says stunted to me and like the kind of person you don't want to be like once you hit your elder years. What he did at the wedding is embarrassing. And I'm not saying that to shame him because ultimately, I think people with addictions are mentally ill and need help rather than stigma. I'm saying that it's embarassing because once you're at that age, you should be a trusted adult and I expect a certain degree of competence out of you. And making a scene at your friend's son's wedding is just not it. Like it's one thing to be in your late teens and twenties and getting messy drunk. I feel like at that age it makes sense since alcohol feels very novel and you're still figuring out your body and limits. By the time you're in your mid twenties, you know generally what your limits are, you eat before hand, you drink water throughout the night, and you have an understanding of consequences both when you're drinking and afterwards when it comes to hangovers. Sure, you might over do it every now and then, but it's not to the extent of throwing up and causing fights. And I feel like once you hit 30 and up, you need to have a handle on things. That's not to say you can't have fun and be tastefully tipsy (i.e. bumping into something and then being like.. yup that's my queue to stop and go home or just being a little more lively than usual) but it is to say that you still have the capability to act responsibly. I know I'm using alcohol as an example of degrees of responsibility I expect out of you but like the bullet points above, it extends beyond that. I'm 26. I'm seen as an elder to some (mainly kids and sometimes teens since I'm not exactly new to life) but I'm still pretty young and I think I have a lot to learn and a lot of life to yet experience. I just hope that once I hit 40+ that I can be seen as a safe, trusted adult who is reliable and a good source of guidance for others and not be one of the embarassing adults I find myself coming across. I never put adults on a pedestal as a kid but now I'm at a point where I feel like a good chunk of them are not credible sources who I cannot take seriously.

I would move to New York City or D.C. due to my job and my desire to be in a walkable city with lots of things to do and plenty of diversity. This is assuming that cost of living is not an issue and that the logistics of my life are smoothed over. Boston and Chicago are my next go tos if I decide to change career goals.

Socializing After the Pandemic Today I found myself reflecting on the ways that the pandemic (and the specific college I went to) disrupted my social development. I did write about the vibes being off in a previous post which I'm linking down below: I feel like anyone who was under 25 before the pandemic had a hit to their social skills. I think a lot of people who are my age and older are having trouble navigating friendships and maintaining relationships because in the crucial years that we learn to socialize during and after college, that got disrupted. Like every now and then I see an article about *the art of hanging out and doing nothing with your friends* or *the benefits of doing favors for your friends instead of paying strangers to do things* when it comes to the topic of building community and in my brain, I'm just like *you know, life wasn't always like this.. why are we hyper analyzing things that people used to do on a regular basis and how did we stray so far from it to where we are analyzing the phenomenon in this way?* I also feel like a specific chunk of people around my age also fell victim to A. overworking to where they do not have the time to socialize or develop socially and B. weaponizing and misusing therapy speak / self help / self care in a hyper individualized way that isolates them from others. I was 20 when the pandemic happend. I think it fucked up my college experience. And while that sucks, I think that the hit to socialization for kids younger than me is MUCH worse. I find that a lot of kids younger than me (I'm talking 3-5 years younger in most cases) were just socialized weird to where it's hard to have random conversations with them in public, their attitudes towards the opposite sex makes me feel like I'm talking to somone from the 1970s, and they're just awkward in a way that I remember people would out grow by the time they're a sophomore in high school. I also heard that the literacy skills is also really fucking bad for a lot of teens and young adults and there are a lot of concerning trends regarding education, AI, social media etc. Basically, the kids aren't touching grass enough. That said, I think there are some ways that I didn't socially develop as much. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about my inventory of social skills which I'm linking below: I feel like I'm not overall stunted socially like the younger half of Gen Z but I do feel like I have some social skills that would have been sharper if the pandemic didn't happen. I'm going to list them below and detail if I'm moderate or low in that skill but I did write in more detail in the post above: Moderate on finding like minded people and Low on making friends and finding new partners: I feel like I didn't really find my "people" in college and that it's harder to do that after college. But I have heard that pre-Covid, while it was still harder to find your people after college, it wasn't like the way it is right now. I feel like because I don't have a wide range of people in my life that I have kept in touch with after college, that's what's causing some of the dry spell socially that I'm encountering in my current stage of life. Low on managing group settings and parties: I think I can be a little awkward at parties and around new people. I feel like that muscle atrophied a little and I think part of it is moving into adulthood and part of it is that being exasserbated by the vibes being off after COVID. Low on sexual experience: I didn't really have a sexual experimentation phase and I do feel like I missed out in a way even though I remember specifically not wanting to experiment at that time. I also feel like I'm sexually inexperienced relative to my age group and that has me feeling some type of way. I think as a result, my attitudes around my sexuality (and more specifically my desireablity) is stunted as displayed in the post I made right before this one. And I think the lack of romantic and sexual attention from my peers through high school and college has contributed to a specific kind of brain rot that I possess.

I Feel That I'm Kind of Ugly / Unattractive ** I feel like since I wrote about the incel depression that I was able to process a lot by getting things out on paper and posting it. As a result, I'm doing another post in a similar vain just to process more feelings. I feel really vulnerable and uncomfortable sharing this as I feel like it's repetitive, not constructive, and emotionally stunted as someone who is 26. That said, I feel more ready to express this on an anonymous forum as opposed to talk to someone in my real life about this so here goes nothing (I might delete this if I feel too icky) ** I feel upset about how my crushes never liked me back growing up and how I would get asked out as a joke. I think that still fucks with my head now to where I often doubt when guys show interest in me. Like when someone flirts with me, first I'm in denial. Then if it continues, I start getting suspicious because it feels like an elaborate prank. And then when it turns out the person is sincere, I'm just sitting there not knowing what to do with myself. And I feel stupid when I start to like someone or start getting a little bit attracted to them because I know there is a high chance they probably don't like me back and that I'm just going to end up embarassing myself. I can't flirt with people. I turn red get really shy and quiet. I can also get weirdly giggly in that annoying obnoxious way. I never had guys my age like me so I just think I'm repulsive no matter what I do looks wise. And no matter how much I might like myself or think I'm beautiful, I know that people just don't see that in me. I feel unappreciated, undesireable, and generally unlikable/ unlovable. I also feel like I just got lucky meeting my current boyfriend. I honestly feel like if I ever broke up with him that I would end up alone (even though I know logically that's not the case) because no one my age has ever hit on me outside of a dating app. Like I cannot pull to save my life and I have no options and no bitches sexually or romantically. And for whatever reason, it feels like sex and romance feels easy for everyone else my age. I also feel a lot of shame around this particular topic because tf I look like crying about how none of my crushes liked me back and how people asked me out as a joke at age 26. That happened over a decade ago. Also, I feel like I'm also ugly on the inside given my struggles with mantaining friends as an adult and the whole breakup situation. I think things are getting better as I'm touching grass and getting to know people in my life who I think I can be friends with but I still feel awkward and I'm afraid of being as open as I used to be. I just feel like I'm ugly physically and personality wise.

Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties I feel like I have been feeling a gap between myself at 26 and my peers who are like 22/23. I feel like I'm on the same life stage as them broadly speaking and they don't feel so far off to where I feel totally out of the loop from them and unable to relate to what they're going through. But at the same time, i do feel like I'm further along the journey from them given everything that I processed above in the list of posts above. I think it's so important for us to define for ourselves what adulthood looks like to us personally and also having a more well rounded definition of adulthood. I think if you didn't do the introspection work above, it's really easy to fall in the trap of adulthood = mortgage + marriage + corporate job + 2.5 kids. And not only is that really falling apart in recent days due to the rising cost of living and people grappling with various gender divides, but on top of that, you need to process that deconstructing paradigm so you don't fall into the same traps of a now sinking ship. I think another symptom of people not doing the work is people assuming that there is various deadlines in your 20s and that 30 is some kind of deadline where you have to be married with kids by then. Which can be a dangerous mindset to have because it can cause you to jump into serious and permanent life decisions before it makes sense to do so in a healthy way. I know that I'm harking on marriage and kids a lot but I think that those two things were held as the pinicles of adulthood from the previous generations. But also, I think there is other things like having a party phase, getting a college degree, exploring your sexuality more, grieving the loss of a parent, taking care of family members etc. that we associate with a certain age or phase in life but in reality it can happen at any time. Sure, a lot of people have a "hoe" phase in their late teens or early 20s, but other people might have it in their mid twenties or even later. And you aren't "stunted" if you decide to explore your sexuality in your 30s even if a lot of people are married at that age so long as you're going about it in a mature and healthy way. Like for example, I think I'm having more of a party phase now at 26 while a lot of people had that phase during their college years. I did go out in a couple parties when I was in college so I'm familiar with that vibe. And at my age, I do go to house parties and clubs every now and then but I notice that even though my age group still does these things, it's significantly less messy in that I don't have to worry about a friend puking and being sloppily drunk, I don't have to worry about my partner cheating on me, and I'm not dealing with the chaos of 4 random crying girls after a fight. I feel like summarizes how I feel about adulthood past the age of like 25. After that frontal lobe has developed, it's less about the developmental phases you and your peers go through on a cognitive and emotional level rather it's more about the unique paths people choose due to their specific life circumstances and decisions. After a certain age, it becomes less about what you're doing and more about how you're going about it and why. I also think that after 25, a lot of people start settling and that can mean a lot of things. It could mean that they have identified various long term goals and commitments they want to fulfill and thus have figured out what settling down looks like for them roughly. It could mean settling in to your life where you're much more stable and you aren't dealing with constant life altering events at once. It could mean stagnation and turning into the cubicle fish from Spongebob: I feel like the first two kinds of settling are perfectly normal and healthy. I think the last one is the one that REALLY annoys the shit out of me. It's the kind of person who believes they are geriatric at 25 and that their lives are over. It's the kind of person that falls into complacency, apathy, and emotional deadness. These kinds of people do not have hobbies, barely have a social life, are averse to meaningfully and healthily challenging themselves, and their idea of fun is numbing themselves with various substances, money, consummerism etc. They're also very checked out emotionally and cognitively and have no clue wtf is going on around the world because they do not care about anything that does not directly affect them. And unfortuantley, I have met a lot of people in my corporate life like this who are around my age and older. They, and the Spongebob cubicle fish are cautionary tales of what adulthood shouldn't look like if you want to continue to learn and grow throughout your life. And I don't 100% blame people like this. I think a lot of people don't have meaningful long and short term goals and they don't have a habit of self education and actively pouring into relationships. So as a result, when they don't have school forcing them to learn and forcing them to be in an environment where they're exposed to different people on a regular basis, they just mentally check out and never pour into those aspects of life. That's still something I'm trying to figure out as I'm navigating my internalized cultural nihilism. I don't want to be the person who feels like 25 was the peak and things are just down hill from here regardless of what pop culture and what some of my peers say. And I'm still trying to figure out what settling down looks like for me personally so that I can lead a more authentic life for myself rather than falling in line with a predermined time line. However, if I do choose to engage with something that is typically associated with someone younger, I do also want to ensure that I'm engaging with it in a responsible and age appropriate manner because I'm an adult and I need to hold myself to a higher standard.

Defining Adulthood for Myself in My Mid-Twenties Despite being considered a legal adult at 18, I don't think most people start actually feeling like an adult until around 24ish. I think for me, 24 to 26 has been me trying to define what adulthood was and what is considered normal. I think the following posts that I have made over the years really exemplifies this. I know this was a long laundry list of posts but I thought that I'd still include it one category so that it's easier for me to find an organize.

Where I'm at in My Journey with Combatting Cultural Nihilism I'm nearing the end of November in 2025 and I feel like I have been mildly depressed for a variety of reasons this year. But I do think that I'm getting better at handling things and I think that I have grown a lot. Much of that growth can be credited to the way that I have been trying to confront my internalized sense of cultural nihilism. I started the year feeling a sense of dread politically with everything happening in the world, dread around aging parents and the responsibilities it will bring, and dread around career stagnation and having to work in corporate for another year. I feel like getting actively involved instead of nihilistically crying in the corner helped with the dread politically. I think also not judging myself for the emotions that were coming up helped with the depression. I think in my journey with unpacking my internalized nihilism I stopped seeing the way that politics was affecting mentally and the way that I care about the world around me as a weakness. I stopped viewing me having thoughts about different subjects as me overthinking and having an existential crisis. While it doesn't feel great to deal with difficult emotions, I believe that it's better to actively and consciously engage the feelings and challenges , and find fulfillment in that rather than numbing yourself out and disengaging because you think that will make you happier. Because as I have been observing, the people who are numbed out, they aren't happier and their complacency ends up trapping them from being able to build a better life for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I still don't feel great when it comes to politics but I do feel more confident in the face of what's going on now compared to where I was in January. As for the dread around aging parents and responsibility, I do still have this to an extent. Yes, it's difficult to watch my parents engage in not so great habits and I think that has heightened with my journey on addressing the nihilism because I'm seeing the way it's manifesting in my parents. I love them but spending time around them doesn't feel great because they're mentally checking out and living life like a vegetable. I tell my boyfriend this regularly that I do not want us to be the old people who doesn't have any friends and hobbies and who rots in front of a screen all day. I just see my parents as an example of the ways that I do not want to live my life tbh. But I do think I'm getting better at handling this and that I don't shy away from responsibility and challenges as much. I mean, I've never been averse to taking responsibility but I guess there are certain adult milestones that seemed very scary that don't feel as scary anymore as I have been trying to take myself more seriously / not underestimate myself. When it comes to the career stagnation, I think have been going through a phase on and off as I have been trying to come to terms with having to stick to my corporate job longer than I would like. I feel like I have confronted some of the emotional baggage around that where I felt like my life is not turning out the way I want it to and that I'm not going to amount to anything. I feel like I have been giving myself a more realistic timeline for achieving big goals and various adult milestones which has helped with coping. I also made a couple friends in my job which has helped immensely because I have a couple people I feel comfortable being myself around. That itself has helped me not dread work as much. And finally, I have been making the most of my job and I have been working harder, not to the point where I'm burning out, but to the point where I challenge myself more to avoid falling into the nihilism that drains me. I feel like actively engaging with work socially and in the work itself has helped my burn out around it because so much of my burn out was coming from a lack of passion and feeling like I have to be this super toned down version of myself rather than working at an unsustainable pace. I do feel a little disappointment with the notion that I will be working in corporate for another year but I don't feel the same existential dread I felt before. I also feel like I have better lifestyle habits and that I actively engage with the world around me more. I think touching grass and doing things that are inconvenient but fulfilling has been a very good experience for me. My apartment is cleaner, I'm working out again, I do little things here and there socially, I met some new people, I decreased my screentime, I go outside my apartment more often etc. Overall, my brain feels like it's in a better place by caring more rather than less. I still feel like I can do better though. I still want to do the experiment where I switch over to a dumb phone. I want to get better about cooking since I fell off of that goal. I want to continue trying to make more friends who are actively in my life and improve on some of my social skills. I want to fix my attention span lol. And I want to be more proactive politically as well. But overall, I feel like I'm off to a really good start with addressing the nihilism. ----------------------------------------------- While this year has been depressing, I think I am tackling things. I still feel kind of depressed but less so ever since tackling my internalized cultural nihilism. I journalled about some of the things that have been making this year depressing and mid like 3 months ago: I think to add on the list, I feel like I also have some hang ups around sexual and romantica desireability that I'm working through. So I can add a touch of incel depression to that. I would also add to the list that I have been depressed over the stagnation in my life, mainly careerwise, in September / October, but I would also cross that out now in November because I feel like that has been handled.

Using Marriage and Kids as a Short Cut I know historically I have used this journal as focusing on sex and relationships but I think this topic is relationship and romance adjacent so I decided to put it here rather than my main journal. I'm in my mid twenties and so far, it's been an interesting time. I have met people my age and younger who have gotten married and hell, popped out a kid or two. I think part of it is just me living in Texas lol. I wouldn't say that any of these people are my close friends, mainly just acquaintences, coworkers, and people I went to highschool with who I haven't talked to in almost 10 years. So it isn't hitting super hard yet. But I am starting to feel some pressure around this topic. I wrote about this previously here: While the external, explicit pressures for women to get married and have kids are very real such as relatives nagging you, podcast bros comparing you to expired milk once you turn 25 and have not yet gotten married, people saying you're gonna die alone with cats etc. are very real, I also think that not enough people talk about the implicit pressures to have kids and get married. I think a lot of one's social support is expected to come from the nuclear family after you graduate from school and that friendship and community are an after thought. If anything, I feel like a lot of people see the nuclear family as a kind of pseudo-community. But the reason why I saw pseudo is because I don't think that it's wise to isolate yourself to your romantic partner as the only person who is one of your peers. That can put a lot of people in vulnerable and sometimes even dangerous situations. It's also, not great to put all your eggs in one basket and expect your significant other to be your everything. That puts a lot of pressure on them. Also, while kids take up a lot of time and energy, and they are a huge source of connection and love, there just certain things that you cannot emotionally get from a child. And big thing is reciprocity because you are in the caregiver role. And let's say you had the best case scenario wher you have an amazing partner and you have a great family life. But once those kids grow up and start building separate lives with their peers, you're gonna be back in square one with no community as you deal with empty nester syndrome because you put all your eggs in the marriage and kids basket. I also feel like there are a lot of people who opt to get married / having kids as a short cut to meaning, purpose, and fulfillment in their lives. That's not to say that these cannot be fulfilling endeavors, but I'm of the view that kids and a spouse shouldn't bring you fulfillment rather you need to build a fulfilling life so that you can share that and pour into the spouse and kids. And I don't blame people for seeing this as a short cut. Raising kids is an 18 year long journey and when you're preoccupied with something like that, I'm sure it cause you to drown out any other existential crisis you may be having because you need to focus on taking care of another person and because a large chunk of your life has been mapped out for you solely based on this one decision. I think a lot of people do not have proper long term goals and as a result, they feel a little aimless once the structure of school is taken out of the equation. That's why you have the joke that once you get to your mid twenties, so many people are going to grad school, training for marathons, getting married, or going to Japan. Again, I don't think that having kids is not a worthwhile long term goal. I just don't think it should be your only long term goal for a lifetime. I just don't think that expecting kids to help you with your existential crisis is smart because you're expecting a baby who cannot even walk yet to solve your adult problems. If anything, they're probably gonna multiply it. I really hate the concept of people "having a baby to fix their marriage" or people marrying off their sons because they failed to raise them and they think giving him the responsibility of a wife and family is going to make him into an actualized man because the wife will keep him in line. I do think there is a chance that having a kid or getting married can have a positive influence in your life in the way that it can give you structure and an incentive to behave responsibly. I don't think that the solution to everything is decreasing stress and life's challenges. Sometimes, adding more challenges in your life can help you improve other aspects of your life. I know stories of single moms who were wilding out when they were young and then once they have a kid, it radically changed them for the better. But I also know a whole lot more stories of traumatized, unactualized people having kids and getting married and that adding fuel to the fire which then gets other people burned. And as a result, I don't think that marriage and kids should be the antidote to other issues even though lifes challenges can help people because there is a much larger risk of things going wrong. Which then brings me back to the importance of having proper long term goals that give you structure and going the actual work of finding meaning and purpose in your life outside of romance and children.