soos_mite_ah

3/20 9:15 pm: Reflections from Day 9 and 10 Day 9 3/19: I woke today not wanting to work and / or fast. I encountered a lot of resistance in the morning but I was able to push through. I remember thinking at the time and hoping that this wasn’t going to be the place where I screwed up, that I won’t break my fast so soon. I feel like this day took a lot of self control in the beginning. Later that day I had to go home so that I could spend the evening with my dad and have dinner with him since it was his birthday. I made sure to pack a little snack in case dinner came out late. But thankfully the timing was good. I feel like going to therapy from 4:30 to 5:30, then driving home and getting there at 6:30, and then talking to my dad before I broke my fast was really helpful in keeping my mind off the hunger. I also opened up to my parents about the fact that I was fasting. I asked my dad if he was ever curious about this since he grew up in a predominantly Muslim country to which he responded with yes. I asked my mom the same thing and she said yes as well. I asked this question as a test of sorts to see how they felt about the practice of fasting given that they can be Islamophobic. Since they both answered yes, I opened up about my experiences with fasting thus far and that it really isn’t as bad as how I built it up in my head. Like sure it was an adjustment in the first week but I feel like since then I found a routine and method that is working for me. My mom also had some questions regarding how I was getting through my days. Since she is an early riser, she caught me drinking 2L of water at 5 am in Day 10 (3/20) in the morning. I just explained to her my strategy of sorts and routine before going to work. I drank my water, ate a banana, and then fell asleep. I woke up at 8:20 and then drove to work. Day 10 3/20: Today wasn’t too bad. I was a little drowsy as I was driving but once I got to work, I was able to be relatively focused given that I was fasting. I was ­pretty productive today but I was still taking things at a slower pace which has been nice. I got a little sad that I couldn’t eat lunch at the office. I was thinking last night on how I’m craving a vegan burger and they had vegan burgers at the office today. I took one with me to eat later on so I wouldn’t be sad but I did reassure myself by saying that I could have it later. I’ve also been rewatching Leo Gura’s spiral dynamics videos as part of my spiritual practice. I haven’t thought of this model much since I took a break from my spiritual practices and while this wasn’t new information to me, it was nice to have a reminder in order to further embody it. I think taking a step back was good for me because I think I was being limited by the labels that I was putting on others which prevented me from understanding and connecting to people. But now, I think having the reminder is good because lately, I have been catching myself getting a bit annoyed with the lower stages and it was nice being aware of the whole spiral again to recontextualize that experience if that makes sense. I started rewatching them on Saturday and I finished the series today. I also caught myself contrasting how I was functioning today vs this time last week. I remember last week struggling to get through my day and feeling mentally a bit incoherent. Today I was pretty functioning. A little brain fog and fatigue but overall I felt alright. I’m also proud of myself for getting through 1/3 of Ramadan!!!!!

3/18 6:05 pm: Reflections After Day 7 (3/17) and Day 8 (3/18) Day 7: 3/17- I woke up yesterday pretty late because I fell asleep at 6am. I started panicking about the work I had left to do before seeing my boyfriend. We originally planned to meet around 4/5 pm but I told him to come at 6. Later we went back to the original plan and decided to meet at 5 because thankfully I was able to get my work done for my job as well as various household chores. I guess I was freaking out initially because I woke up late, because I’m fasting and just generally low energy, and because there were some tasks that I was putting off and really didn’t want to do so I was blowing the time it would take for me to actually do them out of proportion. I would say I had a pretty productive day. I was also nervous about how this would impact my sleep schedule. But thankfully I was able to fall asleep in a somewhat reasonable time. I fell asleep at 1. Which is fine since I start work at 9am on Mondays but also it’s Ramadan and I was supposed to wake up at 5, drink water and eat something, and then go back to bed. I wasn’t sure how this was going to affect me. The fasting is getting easier. I would say now instead of the last 4 hours being hell, it’s more like just the last 2 hours. I still generally feel low energy but I feel more functional going into the week. Day 8: 3/18- I’m proud of myself for being able to get through a week of fasting. I’m still nervous about the rest of the month and my ability to stay consistent but hey I’m taking it a day at a time. A week is an accomplishment, but I will say that the remaining 23 days is still intimidating. I woke up at 5 this morning, drank water, had a slice of toast with peanut butter and raspberries, and then fell asleep and woke up at 8:45. I felt a little drowsy at work, but it wasn’t so bad. I lacked my ability to focus, and I think I have some brain fog but it’s considerably better compared to last week. The hunger really hasn’t been that bad even though I didn’t have a big meal in the morning, and I had work today. And honestly, I think having a filling snack is preferable to a whole meal for me personally because I don’t feel as bloated and groggy in the morning. I took a nap during my lunch hour. I woke up not wanting to do much but I was able to get what I needed to do done for the most part. There are still some things left that I need to do but honestly, I’m going to tackle it after dinner so that I can actually focus. But I will say, the nap felt nice and I think it helps. I think going into it I thought the biggest challenge was going to be the lack of water. In week one I realized that really wasn’t the case for me at least. I also thought not eating was going to be worse than it was. Honestly, the thing that was taking me out was the lack of sleep. I think it’s important that I prioritize that even more so than having a large meal in the morning given what I’m observing with my ability to function for these last couple of days.

Not Wanting to Move to Stage Turquoise I have been thinking lately about how there is a part of me that doesn't want to move to stage Turquoise. I think much of it has to do with how currently, my stage Yellow and stage Green tendencies are manifesting in a healthy way and I have addressed much of the excesses an limitations these stages have by integrating the other stages. As I was journalling about my lines of development and ways I could improve, I often caught myself thinking *why fix something that isn't broken?* I also feel like society is stunting me a little bit in the sense that since most of society is in Blue, Orange, and Green, whie there is a need for Yellow due to the infighting of the 3 stages, the need for Turquoise hasn't revealed itself just yet since we still need to go through Yellow first. I think I've had some negative experiences with Turquoise on this forum. Some of it includes the stage Turquoise hedonism of constantly seeking deeper and deeper awakenings, a forum member committing suicide to join with infinity about 3 years ago, and how in my spiritual journey I got attached to detachment which didn't end well because I jumped ahead to transcendence before integration. Also, just generally speaking, I have a happy and fulfilling life that I don't feel the need to transcend in order to escape from it. I'm also nervous at the thought of transcending my own sense of humanity. I've seen people on this forum get rather misanthropic and cynical about humanity and human nature after having awakening experiences. I don't want to build up a spiritual ego unintentionally which is why I think it's so important to be solidly Yellow and be able to understand, empathize, and relate to the other stages. There is a prayer that my friend says to herself that she shared with me which is something along the lines of "Lord give me enough power and authority so that I can help the people around me, but not so much to where I will be corrupted by the weight of that power and authority." In a sense it's asking for protection from the self deception and selfishness that can cause corruption in the event when one gets power and authority. I feel the same way to a certain extent when it comes to moving to stage Turquoise. Moving up the spiral isn't inherently good especially if it's done prematurely due to things such as having a shaky foundation and brutal ego backlashes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm nervous about the ways that stage Turquoise can manifest in corrupt ways which is why I don't want to force anything. I have journaled a lot as to my step back from spirituality in order to focus on more foundational topics before. Here are some posts that i wrote like 3 years ago detailing some of the negative experiences and messaging in queston: I understand if this is not a step that I'm ready to make yet and how I just want to enjoy my life with the way that it currently is. But also, I do see the benefit of challenging and pushing myself. Despite my negative experiences with Turquoise, I can recognize that it too can manifest in healthy ways and that it can be practical and not take away from your sense of humanity, rather it can further enhance it. I guess if I had to draw an analogy, it would be how stage Orange masculinity thinks that moving into Green will compromise their masculinity instead of realizing how learning to be open and mature with your emotions and self expression enhances masculinity instead. I have had the experience of Turquoise expanding on my sense of humanity before on the cognitive and moral lines. And also, looking back at some of the other posts that I linked above, I think a lot of the negative Turquoise things I was reacting to was coming from people in Turquoise who haven't fully integrated the other stages and as a result have some sort of reaction to them. Take for example how some people feel frustrated that other people aren't as conscious as them. Sure, I can understand the lonliness and the annoyance that can come from people dealing with petty human affairs, but at the same time I feel like if you come from a more integrated place, you're less likely to react to those feelings of lonliness and annoyance with the attitude of *everything in society is chimpery and ego and 90% people are awful.* Because while you're not in those lower stages anymore, since you have gone through them completely, you can still empathize with other people and their petty affairs and still see depth and meaning in that. I think while it's good that I can understand the dangers of spirituality and pre-mature transcendence, I think I need to be careful about that turning into a limitting belief. Yes, it was a good idea for me to take a step back in the past because spirituality was getting rather unhealthy for me, but also, I'm not in the same place as I was back in May 2021. I am coming from a much more secure, stable, and more integrated place mentally, emotionally, and in terms of my life situation. Yes the concerns are valid, but my conditions and capabilities have changed as well to better accommodate higher teachings. And it's important to acknowledge my growth and challenge myself rather than thinking that I'm less developed than I really am and thus holding myself back.

Fruits tangerines bananas tomatos raspberries blueberries Vegetables cucumbers lettuce all onions (red, yellow, white, green) garlic cabbage Other honorable mentions: spinach avocados carrots black beans green beans strawberries celery cilantro parsley chickpeas lemons

Lines of Development: Where to Grow from Here Previously when I would do my spiral checks, I was mainly focussing on the excesses and limitations of the stages as an indication of things to address and where I can grow. I think thiings are a little different now that the stages manifest in mostly healthy ways for me. But nevertheless, writing about my lines of development and then ordering the lines from degree of development gave me some insight as to where go from here. Cognitive Development: Yellow/ Turquoise, Moral Development: Yellow / Turquoise, Metaphysical and Spiritual Line: Yellow and Early Turquoise I feel like for the stuff that I talked about where I'm in the Yellow/ Turquoise territory I think that the main way I can move up the spiral at this point is to have some mystical experiences and experiment with psychedelics. I think I can focus on meditation more but in the end of the day, Turquoise is something to experience rather than something you can mental gymnastics your way into if that makes sense. Education: Yellow, Political: Yellow, Psycho-sexual: Yellow For education, I can definitely educate myself more on stage Turquoise as a part of my spiritual practices. Politically, I don't think it's wise to jump to Turquoise yet since we have barely manifested Yellow. And even if I try to imagine Turquoise political positions, they are barely going to be half baked in the first place, so I'm going to be tabling that. Finally, when it comes to the psycho-sexual line, I don't even know what Turquoise sexuality looks like so it's harder for me to step into it. But I'm not going to try to step into it. I'll figure it out when I figure it out lol. Interpersonal Relationships: Mostly Yellow and High Green The part of me that is high Green rather than Yellow really comes down to me being able to engage with people with differing political opinions to me. That is something that I'm looking to explore more in a different post but basically, this is an area that I believe I can improve on. Values: Yellow and Green The reason why I said a good part of me is in Green is because of the way I value relationships. That is not something that I'm looking to transcend or basically fix something that isn't broken. Rather, I will be encouraging myself to step into Turquoise values more even though there is a part of me that is resistant to it (which I should explore more in a different post). Health / Diet: Yellow and Green Not trying to fix something that isn't broken. I think I'm good at this line of development. If I find something regarding Turquoise diet, I'm happy to explore it but it's not something that I'm pushing myself to pursue. Emotional Development: Yellow but Green and rarely Orange when stressed I think I'm in a good place overall but I think every now and then, reminders of the spiral can help when I'm slipping back into Green in order to reorient me to the bigger picture. I'm also working on being more gentle with myself and addressing my body image issues. Career and Livelihood: Mostly Green with Orange I'm still figuring out the whole life purpose thing and finding meaningful work. Basically, here is my to-do list: Do psychedelics Educate myself on stage Turquoise along with its values, and meditate more seriously Learn to engage with differing political opinions Remind myself of the spiral in times I slip back into green Address body image issues Be more gentle with myself emotionally when my self talk gets abrasive Figure out and work towards my life purpose

Lines of Development In the past I have done posts in my journal about where I find myself in the spiral regarding the limitations of the stages. I don't think that's the best way to track my development anymore since I do think that the stages manifest in a mostly healthy way for me. I rewatched the whole Spiral Dynamics series and took note of what I didn't and didn't resonate with. And I found, for example, that while there are things that I resonate with Green, I don't necessarily resonate with the limits of green anymore since I have worked through a lot of things emotionally and developmentally. As a result, I think rather than focussing on the limits and excesses of the stages, it's better that I focus on different lines of development. Leo talks about this at around the 1:05:00 mark in the video above. Cognitive Development: Yellow/ Turquoise I feel like cognitively I'm in the yellow and turquoise area. I can think holistically and most turquoise concepts intellectually make sense to me to where I can apply them to other situations in life. However, while I logically understand things, I have yet to integrate them fully emotionally or in other areas of my life. Moral Development: Yellow / Turquoise I think I'm pretty good at taking an integrative approach to morality in the sense that I feel comfortable with reconciling shadows to create more unity and oneness in my moral understanding. Deep down inside I don't see a lot of things as inherently good/ evil even when it comes to things that are absolutely awful because I can recognize that this is happening because consciousness is indescriminant in it's desire to experience, even if I from my limitted ego thinks it's brutal and horrific. I think a good example of what I'm talking about is this post that I have made about my spiritual thoughts around the genocide in Palestine: But nevertheless, I do think that from my relative life, apart from the perspective of God, that rather than blaming people who their stage of development or worse, demonizing them, it's important that we build systems that care for people at any stage by meeting them where they are at. Metaphysical and Spiritual Line: Yellow and Early Turquoise I think the post that I linked above is a good representation as to why I say Early Turquoise. But I still think I'm mostly at Yellow because I see the importance of spirituality and I can apply it, but I'm not at the place of embodiment because I still care about the material world and my models and theories. I know that happiness isn't found in the mind but I'm not at the point where I want to transcend the mind just yet. If I'm going to be perfectly honest with myself, while I don't see Yellow as the highest stage or a place where I want to stagnate, there is a part of me that is resistant to move into Turquoise. Education: Yellow I value my education and I am invested in my own self education. I feel like since I have a college degree in a field of study that is very holistic and multidisciplinary, I have a good foundation for various concepts that while I am not specialized in them, I'm good at being able to differentiate high and low quality sources. I think my multidisciplinary approach to my college education has made me a well rounded critical thinker and I think that my dedication to self development and my studies in more spiritual topics gives me better tools to apply that critical thinking towards a more higher consciousness kind of way. Political: Yellow I am putting myself at Yellow despite the fact that most of the things I am most passionate about being Green because I feel comfortable with critiques from above and because one of the reasons why I advocate for Green causes is because I can see the relevance of those causes right now and I see it as the place where we are headed next. Sure, the yellow stuff gets me excited (the main ones I can think of is balancing capitalism and socialism and the creation of walkable cities) but I do see the importance of going through Green first and seeing how that manifests before getting too ahead of ourselves and drowning in theory and analysis. I feel like there are some leftists who do get too ahead of themselves and get so caught up in theory that they get nitpicky about small nuances and they don't try to apply basic policies first to see how they will play out. In my opinion instead of freaking out over democratic market socialism and pure socialism and calling the other party a fascist even though y'all agree on 90% of things, lets focus on advocating for universal healthcare and free college for all. And then once we implement them, in a few years we'll see the short comings of that and we can go back to the drawing board to see what other changes or tweeks we need to make. Psycho-sexual: Yellow I have explained what sexuality looks like throughout the spiral a few years ago and this is basically how I determined where I am: Interpersonal Relationships: Mostly Yellow and High Green I think I'm pretty good about being able to relate to people across the spiral and in my closest relationships, I don't have too many disagreements. I take a very proactive approach to my relationships where if I see something coming up, I make an effort to communicate about it before it becomes an issue. As a result I would put myself up in Yellow. I also say high green because when it comes to people I don't know too well, if they are coming at me with things that we don't agree with politically, I tend to shut down a bit because I'm not the best at knowing how to respond. But at the same time, I don't find myself judging them rather I try to hear them out and empathize (High Green is empathetic and can hear things out but unlike Yellow it doesn't always know the best way to engage IMO). It's just that pushing back is more of a challenge if you don't know someone well because you don't want to say the wrong thing that would cause them to dig their heels in even more. But basically, while I am a bit triggered into a freeze response, I don't think I have the stereotypical Green reaction of bursting into a SJW rant. Values: Yellow and Green I feel like my main values that I have are my self development, understanding and learning about the world, engaging in my hobbies and interests, and maintaining my relationships. I feel like I have a good bit of Yellow in me but I would say that I also skew green due to my emphasis on relationships. Health / Diet: Yellow and Green I'm not sure where to put myself on the spiral in terms of my relationship with food. I take more of an intuitive eating approach to food. I don't follow any strict diets and I'm aware of my body's cues and what my cravings are telling me. I don't morallize food, shame myself for eating, or put certain foods on a pedestal but I do generally speaking eat healthy and have a good relationship to food. I would characterize and Orange approach to food as either strict diets to achieve some type of physique or indulging in expensive and rich foods, or counting calories and macros constantly. Blue would be more along the lines of relgious food restriction (i.e. not being able to eat pork or consume alcohol if you're Muslim) or the notion that consuming the least is symbollic of some sort of piety and lack of self indulgence. Green I feel like is where things get more complicated where the common thing people think of is veganism/vegetarianism but I feel like you can have a more body positive approach to food here as well where you aren't morallizing food and allowing yourself to enjoy it freely. Yellow I feel like is like Green but with more structure which I feel like describes my eating more. Emotional Development: Yellow but Green and rarely Orange when stressed I think normally I'm a pretty self regulated person who has a lot of ways to reflect and process my day to day life with little judgement. I will say that sometimes when I do encounter negative emotions such as feelings of dread, anger, etc. it's usually me dealing with social injustices so that's where dipping into Green when I'm stressed comes from. The Orange can come up occassionally mainly when it comes to my body image issues and the times when I have trouble being gentle with myself but that's about it. I would say I'm 80% Yellow, 15% Green and 5% Orange if I would try to illustrate it. Career and Livelihood: Mostly Green with Orange I feel like my approach to my current career is Green in the sense that I prioritize work life balance and I use this job to facilitate other things in my life. I feel like I have a rather anticapitalistic attitude towards work and my sense of ambition flourishes outside of work more so. However, I still think there is a good bit of orange in the work itself that I do due to the industry that I'm in and my day to day tasks. I will say that while my job itself is not super fulfilling, it does give me a lot of fulfillment in terms of what it gives me in terms of peace of mind. Kinesthetic: I still have no clue how to apply SD to moving my body tbh.

3/17 4:50 pm: Reflections after Day 6 (3/16) This day was the day I wanted to try something out since it was the weekend and I have more flexibility. Even though I have a routine of sorts that I detailed out in the last section, I wanted to try to see if I could fast where I drank a ton of water early in the morning and not eat (instead of doing a big breakfast like I was doing) and then see how I fared for the rest of the day. And honestly, it wasn’t that bad. If anything I feel like it was easier for me to drink a ton of water and go back to sleep because I wasn’t feeling bloated and uncomfortable. I more or less felt the same in this situation as in the previous days as dinner time approached. Granted I did sleep in and I wasn’t working but I’m glad I tried this out during a time when I had more leeway rather than when I have a ton of work responsibilities going on. The fasting has definitely been getting easier and I think my body is adjusting. The last 2.5 hours are still difficult though largely due to the anticipation. The thing that sucked about this day is that I think I got a cold/ my allergies have been acting up. I had a scratchy throat and sniffly/stuffed up nose all day. It was uncomfortable but I didn’t think it was so bad to where I couldn’t fast throughout the day. Sure I wanted to drink some water and eat a cough drop because I was a little uncomfortable but it wasn’t anything unbearable. The thing that I fucked up on was that later that night I wanted to drink something warm so I made myself green tea. I forgot tea had caffeine. My sleep schedule is already out of whack because I’m basically tired all day and then when I eat dinner I get a burst of energy, but the caffeine made it so much worse. I stayed up all night and fell asleep at like 6 am in the morning. I woke up on 3/17 at 11:45 am.

3/16 1 pm: Reflections from Day 5 (3/15) I feel like I don’t have the mental energy to engage in unhealthy thinking patterns. I wonder how me fasting for 30 days and building up this habit of not engaging in certain thinking patterns and habits will rewire my brain. I think I’m getting to a routine for fasting that is working for me to ensure that this isn’t going to be harder than it needs to be. Wake up at 5, eat, drink water for the day. Eat even if you don’t feel hungry. I know some people skips waking up before dawn to do these things but personally, I’m not giving myself a choice because I know it’s already hard for me to function being without food for most of the day but it would be impossible unless I at least had something in my system, From 6:30 onwards, either journal or go to sleep and wake up when it’s time for work Take a nap during your lunch break or your 30 min breaks but generally avoid sleeping for too long as it can interfere with your already fucked up sleep schedule Spread out your tasks and take breaks as needed I felt a burst of energy after dinner and even got the zoomies. I think it’s because I had a half of a donut along with a few small pieces of chocolate. While I’m not a fan of being tired all day, you would think that I would be ecstatic when I got energy after dinner. Wrong. I find that challenging as well because it would be like 9, I have energy again, I feel alive and awake again, but I have to go back to sleep because I will hate my life if I fall asleep at 1 and have to wake up at 5. I was worried about this because I didn’t fall asleep until 1 or so last night. I woke up at 5, didn’t eat anything, drank some water, and then went to sleep. I woke up again at 6, drank some more water and then fell asleep again. I then woke up at 10 am for the day. Which is fine given that it is a Saturday. Overall, I would say things are getting easier. I feel like letting myself sleep in yesterday was very important.

3/15 1:30 pm: Reflections after Day 4 (3/14) Day 4 was difficult not because of the hunger but because of the fatigue, sleep deprivation, and decline in mental sharpness. It was difficult for me to get through work and I had a bunch of client that came to me with complicated problems that would normally make sense to me but was simply not registering in my head. I was not expecting the fatigue to be my main challenge going into the practice of fasting. This is the reason why I couldn’t do my journal entry yesterday early in the morning. And then by 10, I really felt like I needed a break so I took a nap and then got to writing instead of doing my job. (Don’t worry, I still got everything I needed to do done that day that was work related in a timely manner) I feel like the hunger thing has subsided a bit. Before I would get really hungry from 1-2 pm because that’s when I eat lunch and then again from 4:30 to 7:30. On this day I just had to deal with the 4:30 to 7:30. I still haven’t encountered thirst during my fast. I had to really be gentle with myself and the energy I did have and be careful how I spent it. I took things at my own pace. I did what I could do, and I don’t feel bad about it. I do miss functioning at my normal capacity though. It makes me feel grateful for all the times I had the energy to do things in my day past the bare minimum I started thinking of the obligations that I have due to my limited energy. I feel like in these past few days, all my energy goes towards the following: doing my job journalling basic chores like putting things away, wiping surfaces, and cooking doing my daily tiktok videos for like 15 minutes and duo lingo for like 10-15 minutes talking to friends I don’t have the energy to plan outings with my friends, or to work out, or to be on social media for too long because content makes me feel overstimulated. I don’t really want to leave my house for any reason. And this has been helpful in evaluating my habits by breaking my life down to the bare bones as far as knowing what my priorities are relative to the limited energy I have and where I spend it. And given that I miss certain aspects of my life prior to when I started fasting, that’s showing me what I also value and want to do more of when I do get that energy back. Finally, since I don’t have the energy to engage in certain habits I’ve been trying to break (i.e. being on my phone too much), it’s nice to see that I don’t really prioritize those things / are addicted to them rather it’s likely that I just have an excess of energy that I need to gear towards other areas of my life. I’ve also been careful about my relationship with food and how that would impact my fasting. I feel like I’m dealing with this surprisingly well. I know that some people who are Muslim don’t engage in fasting due to health reasons and having an eating disorder or possibly being triggered into one is a valid reason. I haven’t been particularly negative around food nor has this triggered anything diet related in my head. I guess it’s because my brain compartmentalized it as a spiritual thing rather than a you need to get skinny thing. Like this is very much temporary, I’m not doing a life style change. I also feel like fasting has forced me to be more present in my life. Since I don’t have the energy to do a bunch of things, I’m just forced to be. Also, since hunger is such a primal sensation, especially around the time to break my fast, it’s hard to think about anything in the future beyond that. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good to think ahead and be able to make plans but I think sometimes thinking too much about the future can take away from being present. I know for me, earlier this year I was feeling a lot of dread for the future given the chaos around me. And this was a persistent feeling in the back of my mind. But for the last few days, since I was forced to be present, I haven’t really been feeling that dread which is good. Also, I remember reading that in a lot of eastern traditions that say that thinking too much is what is making you miserable because it takes you away from the present moment and because happiness isn’t found in the mind rather it’s just the feeling of allowing yourself to be and accept yourself and the present regardless of circumstance. And as much as I’m not enjoying the fatigue, I am enjoying slowing down. As much as I’m not enjoying my lack of mental sharpness at my job, I am enjoying shutting my brain down temporarily. Like don’t get me wrong, doing this long term would not be fulfilling to me because I would feel like a vegetable but temporarily, it’s refreshing in it’s own way. This exercise has made me realize how much I value my mental sharpness and my desire to continue educating myself even if it’s something as little as my duo lingo classes. Also, being present due to hunger and lack of energy I feel like helped me gain more empathy to people who are food insecure or are financially struggling. I know part of Ramadan is fasting with the intention of being more grateful for the things in your life and being more empathetic towards the less fortunate. I also know that in general, when you are in a difficult situation, whether it be financially, emotionally etc. it affects your ability to plan out your future and you’re forced to focus on what’s in front of you because that is more pressing. That can lead to dumb decisions at times and more risk taking tendencies. It’s hard to focus on what’s going on out there in the world when you can’t get your basic needs met. And I feel like I’m experiencing that in a way that is limited and is safe for me to experience without traumatizing myself if that makes sense. Like I don’t know how long I can continue to fast so I’m taking this one moment at a time. But I have the luxury of stopping this if it gets to be too much. I’d imagine a lot of people under difficult life circumstances feel the same way of not knowing how long they can hold on and as a result they take it a day at time and have trouble seeing beyond this. Except they don’t have the privilege to get out of the situation they’re in or stopping whatever is bothering them because they can’t handle it. I have often thought for the last few days on how I don’t feel like myself. And I wanted to challenge the attachment I had to my I guess default personality and think about what exactly I miss about it and what makes me feel like I’m not myself. I miss how talkative and social I am when I have the energy. I miss how bubbly I can be. I miss the zoomies I get. I miss how productive I am. These are all attachments I have and things I identify with. Which is fine, but it can also be limiting when it comes to self-acceptance and how we can grow and change over time and over various circumstances. Yes, I am talkative, social, bubbly, energetic, and productive, but I am still myself when I’m not doing those things. There is a side to me that is more reserved, calmer, and does things at a slower pace and even though that’s not a personality that I’m used to for myself, it’s a side of myself that I accept and that I’m now exploring more of. It’s alright if I miss the other side of myself but I’m also gaining more appreciation of this side of myself. I think the other thing about the personality traits that I listed out regarding being more talkative, energetic, bubbly etc. also has to do with how those traits are more socially praised in the U.S. under a capitalistic system that always expects us to always be productive. Sometimes I catch myself feeling that this calmer, lower energy part of me is like a less likable version of me. And I want to push back against that and accept myself more. I like how this calmer version of myself is more focused on her priorities. I like how she doesn’t need much to be happy. I like how much more she listens and how she is comfortable with just being by herself and having that just be enough. I’m trying to get to know this side of myself more and embrace that more in my day to day life after fasting to see what I can learn and also accept myself where I’m at with this fast.

3/14/24 On and off from 6:30 am to 10 am: Reflections after Day 3 (3/13) This day was difficult not because of the hunger but because of the fatigue and sleep deprivation. I had trouble sleeping the night before and my body woke me up early. I had times in the past where I wasn’t eating enough and that was disrupting my sleep schedule. It can cause you to have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and cause you to wake up early without meaning to. I was nervous driving to work so groggy. I also had to drive through a construction while the sun was rising and even though I had the little sun light blocker thing in the driver’s seat, there was a glare on my windshield. It was challenging and I was nervous. But I managed to get to work in one piece. We had a pretty big meeting at work today about the restructuring my company was going through and how it was impacting our team. It was an opportunity to give upper management a piece of my mind. So I did. I felt like I sounded a bit all over the place because mentally I’m just not fully there because of the fasting but given the reactions of my coworkers, I think I did a good enough job to get the point across. I was SOOO sleepy in the afternoon. I could barely focus on work. I left work, came home, took a 30 min nap, and then finished the rest of my tasks. I missed the energy I normally have in the day and I miss being productive at work. I miss my usual personality where I was more talkative and bubbly. I miss working out. I think that the things that I miss are my attachments that I’m taking a step back from. I don’t think attachments are inherently bad but it can be good to reflect on what holds us to the attachments and see if it’s healthy or not. As far as being energetic and productive, I feel like I’m attached to that because of capitalism and because we need to get work done and be somewhat productive regardless of what happens in the world or in our lives personally unfortunately. I think it was much worse in school because of the ways that grades can impact a lot about your future and that added a lot of pressure to perform a certain way. Corporate is definitely more relaxed than that and honestly, a lot of urgency is fabricated by the Karens of the world. I’m also glad that I’m fasting during my work life instead of school because I’m not as hard pressed about my hours and quality of my work. However, I do miss having a more flexible schedule in college because I can’t really take a mid day nap when it makes sense to me. I remember in college encountering a time when I was really burnt out. I remember beating myself up a lot for not performing well and for being lazy and I basically had to unlearn this notion that I have to always be at a 100% and that I’m not a robot where my value is rooted in productivity. Over the years I also had to learn how to be gentle with the way that I approach self-discipline. I have been treating myself with gentleness in terms of what needs to get done in the day and I’m giving myself as many breaks I need. And I feel like because of these two experiences, while I do miss my ability to be energetic and productive, I don’t have a lot of negative feelings around it and I’m not really beating myself up for it. If anything, I’m just more grateful and aware when I do have the energy. I think it’s also good that I’m implementing these lessons around being gentle and disciplined. I feel like I’m strengthening the muscle for being gentle with myself. Gentleness and Discipline: I was introduced to this concept of undisciplined discipline in one of my classes and basically it refers to how some people try to implement discipline in really harsh ways but then if you think about it, sure you’re giving the other person structure in the form of strictness and that can (but doesn’t always) lead to discipline but on the other hand by being so harsh, you have lost discipline yourself as the executioner. For example, if you hit your kid because they are misbehaving, sure that is one way to give them structure but in the process you yourself have become emotionally dysregulated and you’re lashing out at the kid which is not a very self-disciplined way of going about things. After the class, I decided to reflect on what gentleness means to me and how discipline can overlap with that. Here is a little bit of what I wrote: Gentleness is slow. Gentleness is not rushed, Gentleness is not chaotic. Discipline is also slow and not rushed. To be disciplined is to be in it for the long haul. It isn't doing all of your assignments in the last minute and having spikes where you work really hard and moments when you don't work at all. It is consistent, not chaotic. Gentleness is patience. Discipline also involves patience. Because you aren't doing everything all at once, you aren't going to get instant results. It's going to be gradual and slow but it will pay off more in the long run. Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectations. Gentleness is empathetic. Gentleness is forgiving. Discipline involves all of these things as well in order to be effective. You need to have reasonable expectations to maintain motivation and not give up due to a sense of futility. You need empathy to gage where you're at with any disciplined practice. And finally you need forgiveness because if you are starting out disciplining yourself in any aspect of life, you aren't going to be good at it initially. It will take time and that is ok. I know the thought of fasting from food and water for 13-14 hours is not most people’s idea of gentleness especially since I’m dealing with fatigue and changes in the way that I normally carry myself. But I think it goes back to what I wrote the other day about being able to differentiate between being in pain and being uncomfortable. Yes, gentle discipline is going to feel uncomfortable at times, but it shouldn’t be causing you pain. And well, I don’t feel like I’m going crazy with this fast and that I’m suffering a ton. Sure it’s a little uncomfortable and inconvenient at times but it isn’t too bad. I think it’s also good that when fasting for Ramadan that there are exceptions to the fast where you can be exempt, or you have the option to make up the days at a later time. Some days where you get a pass but will need to make it up in another day is things like if you get sick or get your period. Some instances where you get exempt is if you’re too old/ young, you need to take medication for a chronic condition, you have mental health issues that interfere with your ability to fast or could get worse with fasting, the practice is really fucking with your physical health, you’re pregnant etc. And I think these exceptions really help making this practice more realistic because it takes other people’s situations into account. It also lessens the feelings obligation towards this practice because I’m not sitting here thinking *I HAVE TO FAST EVEN IF EVERYTHING IN MY BODY IS SAYING OTHERWISE* rather I can gage on how authentic this feels to me. Another thing that I learned that I feel like lessens the feeling of obligation is this notion of if you accidentally and unintentionally eat or drink something, that doesn’t break your fast and it was just a little gift from God. I think this lessens the feeling of having to be perfect with this and you can continue on your practice. I also felt a little anxious the night before going into the office. They were going to bring lunch for all of us and I didn’t want to tell my coworkers that I’m fasting. I think two things are at play here: not wanting to wear my spirituality on my sleeve and dealing with the stigma around Islam. Wearing my spirituality on my sleeve: I personally like the idea of keeping my spiritual life private. I feel like my relationship to such things are sacred and it’s not really anyone else’s business what my relationship to God/the Universe is. I think when you add in other people’s opinions and judgements into this area of life sometimes can take away from checking in on yourself, and what you personally and authentically feel. Especially in a work setting, it’s not something that I want to bring up. The stigma around Islam: There is definitely Islamophobia out there and while I don’t think that my coworkers are Islamophobic, I think I have some complex feelings around my proximity to Islam. As a South Asian woman, people often think that I am Muslim solely based on my appearance and because they can’t differentiate Muslim people from non-Muslims from their name. Hell, half the time they mix up which religion bans you from eating pork and which one bans you from eating beef. And most of the time when I have an American who assumes I’m Muslim, they aren’t bad interactions. It’s usually them asking me in a restaurant after I ordered “hey btw, this has pork, are you good with that?” Which is fine, I appreciate the courtesy. But at the same time, I have encountered people saying Islamophobic shit to me before because they assumed I was Muslim by looking at me. My parents always told me that in those occasions to simply say you’re not Muslim and they will just back off. I don’t like that approach because not only are you throwing another community under the bus, but also because Islam and racism are so interlinked in the U.S., it’s likely not going to do much for the person being an asshole. And while I never used the *I’m not Muslim* card in a way to distance myself from aggression, the fact that I had that option to begin with does come with some privilege. And putting myself in more proximity to Islam does call this privilege and my feelings around it more. I guess some part of me also feels a bit weird that I’m taking on a religious practice from a religion I don’t adhere to. Like there is a part that feels like I’m appropriating a culture. Like it would be one thing if I was actually Muslim and I was telling my coworkers that I’m fasting for Ramadan. It’s another thing to not be Muslim and tell them I’m fasting for Ramadan because that will come with more questions. Thankfully, I was overthinking all of this. I had only one coworker ask me why I wasn’t eating and when I told her the only follow up question was how many days I was doing this for. I didn’t make a big deal about it and it wasn’t this whole conversation. She just told me to make sure I take some food to go to enjoy in the evening. It was fine lol. I also feel weird about telling my parents about this because they’re Islamophobic and also there is a whole historic context behind things like conversion. I’m not thinking of converting into Islam but I can imagine my family jumping to that conclusion if I tell them I’m fasting which will then push the panic button and open a whole can of worms. Basically, there is a whole history of religious violence, discrimination, and forced conversions in South Asia, especially between nationalistic Muslims and Hindus. And as a result, conversion, even if it is willful, has a negative connotation that can range from *are you sure this was your own independent decision or are you being pressured* to *you’re a self-hating traitor who is insensitive to the violence and discrimination other family members experienced * I know there are a couple days where I will have to break my fast but I’m trying to minimize it and for the days I do break my fast, I have the intention of making it up in the end.

3/13/24 7:04 am: Reflections after Day 2 (3/12) This day was significantly better than the last. On the first day, I woke up, ate my breakfast as fast as I could and then chugged water. That left me feeling uncomfortably full and bloated for like 2 hours. I was also constantly thinking about food despite not being hungry at times because I built up fasting as this big thing in my head and I guess my body was just on guard. After the first day, I realized it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be and as a result I moved through my day with less tension. I ended up naturally waking up at 4 am because I was hungry and thirsty. I made myself something to eat and I started eating and drinking slowly until about 6:30 am. And while I had the same meal and amount of water as the day before, this time I wasn’t uncomfortably full. Sure, I ate a little past my fullness cues but that is alright. For the rest of the day I was pretty comfortable and I didn’t neurotically think about food as much that is until it was until 4pm. Just like the day before, 4 pm to 7:30 pm is where the real challenge lies for me at least in terms of feeling hungry. I took a little nap from 9 am to 9:30 because I didn’t sleep much the night before and I was pretty lethargic. From like 1pm to 3, I felt like my ability to focus at work was compromised but It wasn’t as bad as the day before. Like during that time I caught myself thinking *damn, maybe a glass of water and like a small snack can help me get through this stretch of the afternoon. Like I think that would help me reset and refresh lol.* I’m also glad I had therapy after work because I feel like it helped me shift my attention away from how hungry I was feeling after work I also felt pretty low energy throughout the day. But in a way it was nice because I feel like it made me slow down and be more intentional with the energy I did have and pace myself with my tasks. I think in the past I was typically forced to slow down, whether it was due to a mental health problem or a physical health problem, and since I had such a resistance to it, it felt like I had to drag my feet to get anything done while feeling emotionally awful the whole time. I thought that’s how being low energy during Ramadan was going to feel like but I feel more peaceful than anything and I think it has to do with the fact that this is something that I consciously chose rather than something that happened to me. Similarly, I thought I was going to be super neurotic, hangry, and self deprecating towards my physical appearance because that’s how I am when I try to diet and restrict my calories. While I do think that not eating enough can compromise things like emotional regulation, I think the intentions you set can impact your results greatly even if you’re doing the same thing. I think the times when I was self deprecating during my dieting times, it had less to do with me restricting calories and more to do with the fact that I started restricting from the place of not liking myself so as a result when my inhibitions are lowered due to less emotional regulation, all of the ugly thoughts I had of myself would just spew out in a form of psychic diarrhea. And well…. I’m glad that’s not happening to me during Ramadan. I also caught myself thinking about different renunciation traditions in other faiths from Lent in Christianity to the traditions we have in Hinduism usually when a close family member passes away to many monastic traditions where people isolate themselves from worldly pleasures. Fasting isn’t uniquely an Islamic thing. I went into Ramadan with the intention of rekindling my own spirituality. Fasting is just one tool for this goal and Ramadan is an occasion where I can use it. Also, growing up I was always curious about my Muslim friends and fasting and I honestly thought I’d give it a try because why not? I think it would help me empathize with them and understand this tradition more and who knows, maybe I’ll get something out of it and learn something. Rather than praying, I feel like throughout my day I meditate, journal, and check in with myself. I feel like I’ve fallen into my own spiritual routine of mindfulness naturally and this is just what feels authentic to me. I think I’ve fallen into this routine because I don’t have much energy to be out and about doing things and as a result I’m just naturally turning inwards. I also decided to not eat pork or beef for this month. Pork because that’s not something you eat in Islam and I feel like to honor the practice of fasting during Ramadan that this is just appropriate. It’s kind of how even if someone isn’t Hindu but wants to go to a temple to learn something, they will take their shoes off as a sign of respect. The beef part has more to do with me wanting to go back to my roots of how I was raised in Hinduism. I’m also trying to not nap and lean on caffeine. Yesterday I had a matcha latte with dinner and I took a 30 min nap. Which is fine but I’m trying to avoid avoiding the tiredness and just learning to sit with it. Also, since I have less energy, I didn’t want to go on social media as much. On the first day of fasting, I couldn’t pull myself away from the screen because I was desperately trying to distract myself from the hunger I was feeling so that I could complete the fast. On the second day however, since realizing this isn’t as bad as I thought it was, I didn’t have as much of an urge. But also, I caught myself feeling overstimulated and given that I don’t have much energy, I don’t think my nervous system has enough capacity to be overstimulated without getting exhausted. Sure I have less of an urge to go on social media but also I don’t think that it’s smart for me personally if I want this to be sustainable. I feel like social media is like drinking wine for dehydration. Sure it will quench your thirst for a moment but in the long run it’s going to dehydrate you more and fuck you up. I also want to pay attention to the difference between discomfort and pain. I think fasting is helping me be more comfortable with discomfort. I don’t this discomfort is inherently a bad thing, sometimes it’s just a part of life and that’s alright. I think discomfort can be a good source of information and show you what isn’t serving you and where you can grow. Or sometimes, it’s just more of an inconvenience than anything. That said, while discomfort is fine, I think the problem comes when it gets to the territory of pain. I would characterize pain as a level of discomfort that leaves the threshold of what is bearable for a person and that can turn into something pretty unhealthy if left unchecked for a long period of time. By getting comfortable with discomfort, by no means am I saying that we should normalize pain and suffering. But I do think that being able to differentiate between the two can help us know when to keep pushing ourselves and when to stop which can then in turn help us be more disciplined because it’s coming from a place that is gentle and sustainable. I think I learned this lesson for the first time while I was weight lifting because at times, it’s like I know damn well I can push myself to do something but maybe I just don’t want to so I tell myself to power through. But other times, it’s best to not force myself as it can physically hurt me or mentally hurt my relationship to exercise. I feel like fasting is like that but it’s like weightlifting for my soul lol. I feel like I’m more aware of my sense of smell now and I’m enjoying cooking more. This may sound odd but when I’m hungry after work, I just want to cook and take my time with cooking. It doesn’t make me feel tempted to eat but I guess I just like being in the proximity to food even though I can’t just eat yet. I was making myself a sandwich for dinner and tell me why I was out here thinking about how strong the lettuce smell was. This is going to sound bad but I feel like I drink more water now during my nonfasting time window than I do normally. Like I’m nervous that I’m going to be thirsty later in the day so I end up drinking a lot of water in one go in the morning even if I have to force myself.

3/12/24 5:30 am: Reflections after Day 1 (3/11) The first day was definitely hard. This is because the practice of fasting is new to me and I have built it up in my head to be worse than it was. I found myself constantly thinking about food even when I was stuffed or not hungry due to the anxiety around this practice. It was also like the whole notion of how when I tell you to not think of a purple elephant, you’re now going to think about a purple elephant even though that wasn’t even a thought you had initially until I told you not to think of a purple elephant. Apart from me mentally catastrophizing, realistically I was only hungry for like 3 hours prior to breaking my fast. It wasn’t like I was suffering the whole day. And also, I think it’s good I drank a lot of water in the morning because I really didn’t have to deal with issues with thirstiness at all. I found myself wanting to distract myself from being hungry and I had trouble focusing throughout the day. I used social media a lot during this time. I want to be more mindful of that going forward and learn to just sit with the discomfort rather than trying to shoo it away. I also think it’s interesting that I use social media as a distraction or as a way to numb myself. I want to explore that more. I think this is a good exercise for discipline and self-control. Here are some themes I caught myself thinking about: There is a thing that the Romans did when they were training their army for battle which was that they made the training much harder than their battle conditions to where once they do the training and get used to it, when they go into battle, things are so much easier. For example, they would make the soldiers wear 50 lbs of armor in training to build up their strength but when they were actually in battle, that armor was only 25 lbs. I feel like fasting is the same way. If anything, right now I feel like I’m much less disciplined since I’m operating outside of what works for me. It’s hard for me to focus on other areas of my life that I’m typically pretty disciplined at like my job, my duo lingo lessons, working out, completing chores etc. But it’s like, if I learn to be disciplined in conditions where it’s hard to be disciplined, like when I’m fasting for a month, it’s going to be really easy to be disciplined when I’m working in my optimal regular conditions. There is also a thing that a lot of monks do where they make themselves physically uncomfortable while they meditate. And the logic behind that is that if they can learn to be happy in those conditions, or just in regular meditation circumstances where there is no stimulation, then they’re like building up that happiness muscle so that they would experience an exponential amount of happiness in a normal situation. Like think about it this way, if you’re happy without much in life, going on an all-inclusive resort will be an amazing experience versus if you lived in an all-inclusive resort and were always pampered, it wouldn’t hit the same way. I think fasting can also help you build up that happiness muscle in the same way as meditating or meditating while physically uncomfortable. I find myself thinking about discipline and priorities. I am fasting right now because I want to prioritize my spirituality. And as a consequence of me fasting, it’s hard for me to focus at work. I’m not as energetic and I don’t really want to work out. My mood is a bit off. And I’m going to have to think of how to approach things socially later on. These are some things that I’m sacrificing at this time and when these things come in mind, I catch myself asking if focusing on my spirituality in this way is worth it, hence causing me to question my priorities. I wouldn’t say that fasting is a sustainable thing for my lifestyle long term and the things that I find fulfillment in, but also, it won’t hurt to put some things in my life on pause for just a month to focus on myself and my spirituality. This is also causing me to question my other material attachments I have. Like I’m questioning my attachment to my job, my energy, my personality, my hobbies, food, social media, over all consumption habits, etc. And while I do think that I have a healthy relationship with all of these things and I’m not gorging myself in excess (the social media piece is debatable but still lol), I think it can still be beneficial to take a step back and reflect on how and why these things are adding to your life or maybe if it’s not serving you. I think it also goes along with the Buddhist and Hindu notions of practicing detachment. You can enjoy the great and comfortable things that life has to offer but when you get attached to it and you rely on it to make you happy instead of taking responsibility for your happiness in an intrinsic way, that usually leads to more misery. It’s not the enjoyment that you need to let go of, it’s the attachment to that enjoyment. We’re put on this Earth as a consciousness in various forms to experience life, the good, the bad, and everything from all perspectives. And I think that sometimes I just need that gentle reminder that I am this consciousness. I’m not my productivity at work. I’m not this personality that I have. I’m not my hobbies, and I’m not the things I consume. These things don’t define me. Rather, I am the consciousness that is being productive. I am the consciousness that has a habit of showing up in a certain way (thus creating a personality). I am the consciousness that enjoys my hobbies and that does the consumption. I feel like I can do a whole reflection on detachment but that’s a post for another time lol.

Ramadan 2024 I have been fasting for Ramadan for the past 13 days. I'm not Muslim nor am I considering on converting but I have always been curious about this practice growing up with other Muslim people around me so I wanted to try it out. I want to be able to empathize with those who do this practice and I want to also see what I can get from it spiritually. I've also been wanting to get back into my own spirituality and I thought that fasting from sun up to sun down would be a good way to do that. Fasting and giving something up isn't a uniquely Muslim thing rather it's a tool that can be used for developing self control, empathy, discipline etc. I've also decided to give up pork and beef for Ramadan. Pork because Muslims don't eat pork and I feel like it would be weird if I was doing a Muslim practice but then eating pork at dinner. I feel like it would be the equivalent of someone who isn't Hindu being like *I want to learn about Hinduism and go to a temple for the experience* and then not taking their shoes off at the temple. That would be disrespectful even if you didn't know better. As far as giving up beef goes, I feel like that comes from a place of wanting to go back to my older spiritual roots, particularly my Hindu ones. I have more nuanced thoughts regarding my regular opinion on not eating beef because normally, I do eat beef. But for the month of Ramadan, I want to challenge myself and go back to not eating beef. I'm also giving up caffiene because I don't want to use it as a crutch for my fasting experience and also introduce another factor that can throw me off physically. And it also goes without saying that I'm also giving up alcohol, not only because it falls under the same rationale as why I'm giving up pork, but also because like caffiene, I don't want the physical affects of alcohol affect me negatively during the fast. While I'm not praying 5 times a day, I will instead be incorporating a spiritual practice that works for me. I've never been the praying type so instead I will be journalling, meditating, and checking in with myself regularly throughout the day. So basically, here are the general rules for Ramadan: Fast from sun up to down I found a calendar online to help me with this: https://hamariweb.com/islam/dallas_ramadan-timing168049.aspx No pork, beef, alcohol, or caffiene. Prioritize journalling, meditation, and mindfulness for the month. The next set of rules is not rules that are attached to the practice of fasting but rather it's things I'm doing to help myself through this process so that it is sustainable for me and so I can stay consistent: Wake up at 5 am every morning to drink 2 L of water and eat something. No working out since I have limitted energy to carry out my daily tasks. I am prioritizing my spirituality for the time being and it's alright if I take a pause from working out. Take a nap during my lunch breaks at work so that I have the energy to focus but avoid taking naps just to avoid the feelings of hunger and thirst. For the next few posts I'm going to include what I have been journalling privately in my computer.

I am not my type and that is ok This is going to be a bit of a weird post since I will be talking in third person for a little bit for the sake of simplicity. But physically, I am not my type. My type and ideal body is like that stereotypical pilates look, toned and athletic but still dainty and feminine. I on the other hand am more stocky and short and i am not particularly lean. And for years I have wanted the former look regardless of whether it made sense of me or not. But then I thought *well I look at other people on the street and while I'm not into them like that, I'm not in my head thinking about hideous they are for hours after they walked by. If anything I think that hey even if I don't find them attractive, I'm sure someone does even if it's not me* Then I was like, I should implement that same sort of thinking to myself. Like *hey soos_mite_ah might not be attractive to you and you may prefer a different body type but there are people who are into her body type and that is alright.* I think it also stems from this belief that I implemented with my imposter syndrom that is along the lines of *I have faith in people seeing good things in me that I don't always notice in myself.* But basically what I'm trying to say is that I might not be particularly attractive in my eyes, but I am in other people's eyes and that is ok. I don't always have to like every bit of myself but I do have to believe that I'm worthy of respect, love, and human decency. I don't have to like myself, but I do have to treat myself well. And I do think that this is a step forward in self acceptance where I'm accepting that maybe I can't accept everything about myself. That doesn't mean that I should beat myself up into accepting myself nor does it mean that I need to beat myself up for changing myself. I think that's important for me when it comes to my relationship with my body. I might not like what I look like but that doesn't mean that I should pick at my appearance, be cruel about my self image, restrict my food, or exercise excessively in order to change myself nor should I fault myself for struggling to accept myself given all of the beauty standards that are out there because it's understandable that I feel this way given my surroundings and upbringing. I think I can implement this way of thinking towards other things that I tend to be insecure about. The main one that comes to mind is that I can be a passive person since when I'm anxious, I'm very much a flight or freeze type of person rather than a person who gets the impulse to fight. I’m good at walking away from situation and not letting them effect me but I’m not that great at standing up for myself in the moment that someone comes at me crazy. Also, when I'm under stress, I'm the type who shuts down for a while because my brain forces me to feel my feelings in real time and sort through that rather than just being able to push through and dive into more work like a lot of other people I know. And don't get me wrong, I do think I can benefit from learning to stand up for myself in certain situations and being able to regulate myself more in times of pressure but at the same time, even though I have a preference towards those who have more of fight response rather than a freeze or flight response, that doesn't mean that I should see myself as lesser or beat myself up for simply being something I'm not. Again, I don't have to be my type or preference. I don't have to like myself all the time in order to give myself the love and respect that I deserve to give myself in the same way that I love and respect people who I don't particularly like at times.

Other side notes in addition to my to do list that is in the back of my mind but not on the list explore my sexuality more get back into the habit of spending time with friends read 1 book a week Add finishing touches to your place: art work, seasonal stuff, etc. deal with the dread and misery pollution

To Do List 3/6 Research career in journalism: Need to do more of this before your trip to D.C. deal with some hang ups I have around food: there are some things that are coming up again that I'm revisiting with a nutritionist Work towards an exit plan for your job since things are getting messy: I already have a good amount in savings but I think it's good to update my resume and see what other opportunites are out there and just be more proactive about it. Stop being chronically online: I just want to get to a point where my screen time isn't embarrassing lol Have another conversation with your dad about family relationships: I have this planned out for after 3/19 Talk to your therapist about your thoughts on having kids Be more aligned with my values: Start volunteering at a homeless shelter Learn to engage with right wing people Plan out your trip month long trip in the later part of the year.

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Doomer, Gloomer, Bloomer After writing the previous post, I started looking at some posts from 2.5 years ago when i was in college and dealing with doomer spirals. After reading the posts, I can say that the dread that I'm feeling is different from a doomer spiral if it isn't obvious enough given that I'm not giving myself the privilege of being a doomer and that I see some hope for things improving even if I don't know when. I guess on the surface they can feel the same but upon further introspection they aren't. I also found a couple of memes that conveys this well lol. Yeah, I think I'm going through a temporary gloomer phase and I typically move between that and being a bloomer.

An Update on the Dread I wrote about the general feelings of dread I have been experiencing with 2024 like a little over a month ago. So yes, I did go to my financial advisor and even though we didn't go super deep into this type of work, I think I have the financial security and privilege to not worry about things for a quick minute. I say this to acknowledge my privilege in the cost of living crisis while also recognizing that I'm not exempt from the vast majority of people and that shit can certainly hit the fan and affect me too. I thought that after I recognized and processed my feelings of dread that they will eventually go away. And sure, it did get better, but it also evolved like a fucking pokemon. I think my dread now in February has more to do with the over all political atmosphere from the upcoming election with two senile politicians, to the cost of living crisis, to the genocide, and how shit doesn't feel like it's getting better and we're all stagnating because Congress is filled with a bunch of geriatrics who keep wanting to take things back to the neoliberal stagnation of the 90s. But there are some things that I think are keeping me going. 1. I need to outlive these motherfuckers: I want to see how this shit will end. I still have this amount of hope in my heart from the belief that nothing lasts forever and eventually, the geriatrics will succumb to nature's cancel culture, death. But also, they do have access to the best health care so there is a chance that the ghouls like Mitch McConnel will for another 20 years to be 100 like Henry Kissinger did. Nevertheless, I'm hoping that doesn't happen and I also get a weird inkling that Trump is going to die while running for president again. But basically, there is a lot of politicians that I'm hoping to outlast in the hope that my interests will be better represented and this stagnation can finally get going. Also, I hope to be that funny old person that tells younger people in the future of the fuck shit that happened in my time. 2. I'm not giving myself the luxury to be doomer: That just breeds complacency and even if I can't do much. I'm going to do what I can and help out the people who are immediate to me. I'm not going to let the fucked up shit in the world block me off from human connection. I'm not doing things in the hope of change in the immediate future, I'm doing them out of the principal that it's the right thing to do. I have detached from the outcome because of the way that the stagnation is weighing on me and because the only thing I can really control is myself, my self-education, and expanding my own empathy. 3. I'm telling myself that I just have to hold on for another 3 years: Again, this shit is not going to last forever. I don't know how it's going to end, but it won't be like this forever. This is a mindset that also helped me during the height of the pandemic. Back in October 2020, I didn't know how long this shit was going to last. I didn't give myself the false promise that shit is going to change in 6 months to a year from then but I did tell myself that I just have to sit tight for March 2023, which was a totally arbitrary date. And you know what, even though COVID is still around, things considerably died down by March 2022. Sometimes, the uncertainty of the future gets to us to where we think that this void is all there is and personally, I found that giving myself an arbitrary countdown to help ease that sense of uncertainty even if it was fueled by delusion on my part. The date I have chosen for myself now is November 2027. I just have to hang on until then. I know that things are going to get worse before getting better, I just don't know how much worse and how deep this hole goes and how much more people are going to suffer in the process. I've had this feeling since 2015, back when I naively thought that a Trump presidency alone was the worst that could happen. I don't know if we're going to be at this point a year from now, 5 years from now, or 10 years from now but it feels like it's around the corner. 4. I am thinking about the older version of myself watching me in the present from her memories: Sometimes when I feel like I'm going through a tough time, I try to imagine my 32 year old self looking back at me by remembering what I was up to at 24 with a sense of fondness and gentleness that I look at my 17 year old self in. It just gives me this sense of *hey, I have plenty of time to figure this shit out and I will eventually, and one day that things that I dealt with in the past will be a distant memory and the remanents of a past life of sorts.* Like all of this will be a nonissue at some point in the same way me looking at my 17 year old self who was having an existential crisis about choosing a major and a college or looking at 14 year old me worrying about some boy she thought she was going to marry and beating herself up for being awkward feels like a nonissue for 24 year old me in the present day. 5. I'm trying to bring myself back to the moment: Ngl, it's hard sometimes when all of this shit is constantly around you but I basically try my best to not doom scroll and count my blessings in the present moment even if it's for something simple as eating a bowl of mac and cheese and sitting in the sun as I work. I feel like it helps me not get too in my head about what's in the future while also enjoying the present moment so that when shit hits the fan, I can assure myself that I have some form of stamina to weather the storm because I have rested and been fully present and appreciated when things were good to where I feel like I'm comfortable with the challenges are ahead of me. Like this started small. I remember once a few years ago I got a cold and my nose was stuffed up and I was thinking *wow, I wish I didn't take all the time when my nose wasn't stuffed up and I could breathe normally for granted.* And sometimes, I make myself take a deep breath and tell my self *notice how nice it is to breathe and not have your nose be all stuffed up? Let's take a moment and appreciate that,* And I found that since incorporating that practice, when I get a cold and my nose gets stuffed up, I'm not as much of a wimp about it because I'm just like *you know what, I enjoyed breathing out of my nose prior to this and I was conscious of it and I didn't take it for granted. Soon I'll be back to doing that and I'm going to continue to appreciate breathing out of my nose.* And basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to incorporate this to the rest of my life when it comes to bigger struggles than just a stuffed up nose. But yeah... I don't know how much longer this sense of dread is going to stay with me. I feel like I've been dealing with this on and off since 2015 so it's important for me to find some healthy ways of coping so I don't lose myself in this temporary circumstance.

The Ways I Gentle Parent Myself I know recently I've been talking about my inner teenager and I think talking about her is talking about a subset of healing your inner child (since you're still like a child when you're a teenager). But I just also wanted to reflect on things I do throughout my life to keep my inner child in check as well. Because sometimes, things come up and I can feel the inner 6 year old in me wanting to throw a tantrum or I catch myself being unreasonably harsh over something kind of dumb. 1. If I spill something or break something, I don't get mad at myself and start self deprecating: Instead, I acknowledge that I'm annoyed and this is annoying to clean up but that there is no need to punish myself for this because the consequence that this is annoying to clean up is enough. This also goes for me forgetting my belongings somewhere or any other minor mistake like missing an exit because I wasn't paying attention to the GPS. Because, you learn from natural consequences, not through punishment. Because in the end of the day punishing yourself, whether that is being in a bad mood or getting mad at yourself is just going to leave you feeling emotionally disregulated and just in a shitty mood and most of the time, it really isn't that deep. We all make mistakes, it happens, and it isn't too hard to fix most of these things. A little annoying, sure, but it's nothing that you need to be stressed or anxious over. 2. If there are chores I don't want to do, instead of forcing myself to do them by getting angry at myself and calling myself lazy, I usually say something like the following: A. You deserve to be in a clean space because it makes you feel relaxed and focused, and over all you just like your space more or, hey you need dishes to eat off of you silly goose. B. I understand this is annoying to do but the natural consequence of not doing this is things piling up and becoming more intimidating to tackle and if things get really bad, your space can get unhygenic and that can get you sick or worse, it can attract bugs. And the possibility of bugs alone freaks me out and makes me want to take responsibility lol. 3. If there is a task I really don't want to do, I set a timer to do said task for 10-15 minutes. One of the following scenarios takes place: A. The task doesn't take nearly as long as what I alotted my time for and I was just building the task up in my head becuase it was freaking me out for whatever reason or because I just didn't want to do it. B. The task takes a little longer that the timer and I'm like, well, I'm 80% done, might as well finish it. C. I'm not even half way done but I have gotten into the flow of things and I have enough inertia to keep going or to do other tasks on my to do list. D. I'm not done and I don't want to continue past the alotted time. This is rarely the case but when it happens, I tell myself that I can revisit this later and do another 10 min increment or something. That way it gets done and it's not as intimidating and annoying. 4. If I'm feeling impatient for something, I give myself an amount of time to hold still that I find achievable. For example, I might say *hey, you just need to hold on for 15 more minutes. I know it's annoying but it won't be too long and I'll be done waiting/ doing whatever I need to do in no time and I'll be back just living my life.* I think this tends to help with the *ugggh* feeling of something taking forever. It feels like it's taking forever because we haven't given it a set time yet and so our mind feels stuck in this moment and forgets that we're moving closer and closer to the thing that we are waiting for. I also try to reframe it by thinking about what can I do in the mean time for this alotted amount of time. For example, if I just need to hold still for 5 minutes, maybe if I really need to, I can listen to a song or if it's longer like 30 min, watch something on youtube. And if that doesn't work, I just try to give myself a small carrot at the end of the stick to keep me going. Some examples include *I know it's annoying to wait in the pharmacy but once we're done, I'll get you a fun little drink* or *I know waiting in line to board a plane is annoying, but hey, once we get there, you can take a little nap and get all cozy in your flight* or *I know it's super hot/cold outside and you don't want to be walking but we need to keep walking so that we can get inside to the AC/heat. It won't be for too long but stopping because you're frustated will just keep you here and that won't be comfy. Why don't we get you a cold glass of water / a warm cup of tea once we get inside.* 5. If I'm in a bad mood for seemingly no reason, I just ask myself if I ate enough, if I ate something nutritious, if I have been getting some movement in me, if I have taken a shower in the last couple of days, or if I have slept. If the answer is no to any of these things, I tell myself that we will take care of that first and then deal with the problem with a clearer head. Most of the time this solves things but if not, I'm in a more rational state of mind to deal with things. Sometimes it's worth it to see what type of shit comes up in my unconscious mind when I'm in a state like this. I don't judge myself because I know how to differentiate a state and a stage but I think it's important to see if there is any lower conscious thoughts I need to address and keep in check when I get back into my normal state of mind where I am physically taking care of myself if that makes sense. Like for example, when I'm cranky, I can get pretty self deprecating about my weight. I know this is something I'm insecure about in the back of my mind but I know that I don't get the same degree of vitritol from that self hating part of myself unless for example, I barely slept or have eaten anything. Things like "you're disgusting, no one will love you're cuz you're fat etc." are things that I have addressed previously and I feel like I can observe those thought without entertianing them or getting invested. Sure I feel this way sometimes but I know that people in my life love me even with my weight and that I'm a normal looking person and that this is just the ED taking control because my inhibitions are lowered and the filters that I keep myself in check with and keep my thoughts disciplined with have taken he back seat for whatever reason. But when there is something new that pops up like "because you're fat you look trashy and low class because there is nothing sophisticated about a fat body" then it's like *Okay, where is this coming from. What biases have you picked up recently. Let's go take care of ourselves for a moment and then address this by introspecting and thinking critically.* 6. When I feel like binging on a bunch of junk food, I tell myself the natural, immediate consequences of such a thing instead of shaming myself for eating "bad foods." For example, I might tell myself that I'm going to eat soon and I don't want to spoil the meal that I'm going to have soon since that's going to taste good or that *Hey I know you're hungry, but chips alone isn't going to fill you up. Let's try to add some hummus and maybe some tomatoes to the snack so that its more satisfying and balanced and so that you can have more of your other favorite foods as well. * Or sometimes its saying something like *remember the last time you had too much of X in one sitting and you got a stomach ache and felt off for the rest of the day. To what extent do you want to deal with that?* I find that this helps me enjoy things in moderation and check in with myself without fear mongering about my health or without triggering my previously negative relationship with food. I also remind myself of how as an adult, I'm in charge of taking care of myself in the same way that I'm expected to take care of the little version of me. And I wouldn't want my small child version of myself feel physically and mentally off because they're eating junk constantly nor would I want them to avoid any fun foods all together. I feel like this approach of reminding myself to take care of myself is more effective than saying *well you need to take care of yourself because you don't want to let yourself go or insert other diet culture misogynistic bs here* There's probably more but this is what I can gather off the top of my head.

My Inner Teenager and Her Bad Habits So when I was growing up, I had this really terrible habit of never being in class. This could mean me literally skipping class or it could me just mentally not being there whether it because I was asleep or just not paying attention. And when I tell people that I used to skip class a lot, people just give me a little bit of a side eye because they don't really expect from me since it kind of seems like this rebellious thing to do. But I don't think I've ever skipped class for the rush of it or because it was some act of teenage rebellion. Often times I would skip class so that I do homework that was due in another class later that day. Sometimes I would skip so that I could sleep in the library or decompress and journal. There was also a time where I skipped an entire semester of U.S. History because I thought the class was dumb since I felt like I already learned this a thousand times and because I had better things to do like studying for the SAT. I turned in my assignments for this class in early and then continued to skip even after the vice principal caught me. And I couldn't even get into all that trouble because 1. my work was done, 2. I had a high A in the class, and 3. I was doing something productive. That's really the main thing, I never really got in trouble for skipping class or sleeping in class because my work was done and it was done right so a lot of teachers couldn't get anything to stick on me. I bring up all of this because I feel like some of those tendencies still come up for me now that I'm in the working world. I still get that temptation to just skip work for the day but I can't because that has much higher stakes compared to skipping a class or two when I was 17. And as a result, I couldn't help but think where this was coming from and why I was like this. I think a big part of why I was skipping class growing up was because I felt like I was overwhelmed and I didn't want to admit it, especially since I wasn't super challenged academically. I dealt with a lot of anxeity and depression throughout my high school years because I was at the age where I started noticing that my home environment was pretty toxic and that it was affecting me even though I couldn't articulate it as well at the time. That emotional overwhelm made it so that I would procrastinate on easy tasks by rotting in bed after school or on the weekends or feel like I needed time to myself instead of putting up with annoying classmates and teachers. I also didn't feel like I had a lot of control over my schedule because I had a lot of extracurriculars in my schedule and while I did like them, I felt this pressure to be as busy as possible to stand out among the applications in college. This also led to a lot of revenge bed time procrastination which would fuck with my sleep schedule which in turn would make me too exhausted in class the following day. I didn't think so at the time because overachieving and being anxious about your future was normalized in my community but I really did push myself too hard. Also, I think part of the shitty time management, the bed time procrastination, and the regular procrastination also was part of me being developmentally appropriate for a teenager. I think I remember seeing a study that basically said that a lot of people in their teens have trouble planning 2 or more weeks ahead for something and sticking to it because their frontal lobe hasn't finished developing. And I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me because after I hit 20/21, I was able to plan and stick to things despite always having the tools to do so growing up. I don't think this is how it manifests for everyone but it was definitely how it manifested for me. In recent days, as an adult, I feel like I don't have much control over my time because recently upper management has been micromanaging me. And even though the work doesn't feel like an overwhelming volume, the fact that I'm expected to be working constantly in my work day with little to no breaks and constantly pick up more work even when I'm done for the day is a lot. And yes I have noticed an uptick in my revenge bed time procrastination and like this teenage impulse to skip work altogether for a day or two. Ngl, I do catch myself judging myself on this regard. But then I try to think about what this part of myself is trying to tell me. I'm not wanting to skip work because I'm somehow rebellious and irresponsible. That doesn't make sense considering I'm good at my job and that I take it seriously. Rather, I think it has to do with me being overwhelmed in some level even if it isn't the work volume itself. Like yesterday, I had some things piled up from work and I basically had a bed rot day because my mental health got the best of me. Then, after getting food with a friend, I ended up throwing it all up due to what I'm pretty sure is food poisoning. So the Sunday Scaries and the dread I was feeling for Monday was really getting to me. I sat with my thoughts and feelings for a little bit to figure out what was going on with me and figured it would be good for me to write about this the next day. Then I woke up this morning with a stomach ache and nausea and then I threw up again. So after that I decided that it would probably be best for me to not go to work. I let myself rot in bed until 9:30. Then I did a Target run and deep cleaned my apartment. I got lunch and now I'm journaling some thing out. I'm later gonna do some things related to my job to make sure that tomorrow runs more smoothly. But for the most part, today was a self care day. It wasn't really a cozy *lets do a bubble bath and a face mask and then watch a movie* kind of self care day nor was it a *I need to sit with my feeling and deal with that first and put my other responsibilities to the side and rot in bed* kind of self care day. It was more of a *hey I know things are piling up and you don't want to deal with it but once you deal with it, you will feel so much better going forward because while you need to feel your feelings, rotting in bed is not going to help you in this situation* kind of self care day. And I don't think it's fair for me to judge my teenage self or her tendencies. Sure the way she coped wasn't super healthy but to write her off as a stupid, irresponsible teenager who is a slave to her hormones is not really acknowledging what's actually causing the problem. And yes, coping like that won't set her up for success, but it's the best that 16 year old me could do at the time given the restraints she was in and the tools she had at the time. And I think acknowledging that is important for me to not only be more gentle with myself but also to work with myself rather than against myself. I took the day off as a sick day and sure I could beat myself up for not going to work, but I was still really productive in a myraid of other ways. It's just the rythms I'm on I guess lol and working with that can help in getting me to where I need to go. It also goes back to the whole phase "the same boiling water that hardens the egg, softens the potato" which basically means that two people can react to the same situation in very different ways because of who they are individually. I am most definitely the potato and for a long time I thought that was a bad thing. When I am faced with difficult situations, I often come out of those situations a softer, more empathetic person rather than someone who is hardened and more stoic. And for a long time, I thought the former meant that I was somehow less resilient because being more emotional, even when it comes from a place of expressing and being honest with yourself rather than only being reactive, is seen as weak and vulnerable. I've been making an effort to unlearn this and tell myself that it's okay to be a potato because potatoes still taste great lol because I think I got the message from school and work under capitalism that the ideal worker is the one who keeps going no matter what and that is a mark of their good character, resiliance, and work ethic. I feel like the way that college applications frame wanting an underdog and wanting students who exhibit resiliance in their person statements, even if they are trauma dumping hoping to get a scholarship or to get into college (which is dystopian in and of itself). I think it can instill this toxic mindset that success is only valid if it comes from struggle and at a cost of your well being and for me at least it made me feel like I was constantly not doing enough because there was always someone out there who is doing 10x more than you who has it 10x harder. And one of the things that I dislike about myself is that when faced with stressors and how people react with fight, flight, and freeze, I'm very much a freeze, and occasional flight person and I'm never a fight person even though that is what society rewards. And while in most cases, you aren't literally fighting someone, in a work or school setting, it can look like burying yourself in your work and taking on more than you can handle so you can numb out what is actually bothering you. This can look like a good thing under the whole underdog pardigm because it looks like you're being resilient by not letting it get between you and being more productive. But I don't think this is the healthiest way to respond and this definitely has some down sides. And on top of that, it's also not the way that I naturally respond to stress so then there is this added layer of *Why can't I function the way that everyone else seems to function. Even if it's not healthy, at least they're getting ahead/ getting things done and it looks good on the outside versus just freezing.* I think that's another bad habit that my inner teenager has which is to invalidate my feelings to keep going and to look like she has her life together because she is under pressure from the adults around her that keep telling her that she needs to have her life figured out by 18. I remember growing up not having vulnerability be something is looked at and thought of as good. I also feel like I encountered a lot of people in high school that thought it was a good thing that they haven't cried in years. And 17 year old me thought that cool but now that I've gone to therapy, if anyone came up to me like that, I would probably look them dead in the eyes and be like *that's not normal my guy, you should get that checked.* I think the other thing is that I would try to act tough and sometimes beat myself up for having an emotional reaction because I didn't know how to cope with those emotions and this was my way of regaining back control. I think this especially comes up for me when it comes to the emotion of grief and how there are a lot of things that can go into something like grief. And unfortunately, I haven't had much guidance on how to handle this so in an effort to grasp for control, sometimes I resort to berating myself on how I can't do anything and how I shouldn't feel the way that I do or that I should still be able to move on like nothing happened instead of being so sensitive or emotional. I think this time around I did a good job in not succumbing to that. I did judge myself a little bit before taking the day off work but given how well today has gone for me in not only in terms of me being productive and taking care of my life but also in terms of genuinely feeling better and reflecting, I don't regret taking this day off at all. I think it's important to note this sense of growth of me being able to handle things more affectively and be more gentle with myself. I also think about this thing I wrote when I was journalling about dealing with grief regarding the genocide in Gaze:

idk i thought this video was kind of funny and could be helpful for people who need to touch grass lately after getting innundated with chronically online hustle culture content lol