soos_mite_ah

Elements of Unconventional and Wacky Families After writing out the previous post, I wanted to reflect which factors are at play when I characterize a family as wacky. Unique backgrounds and unexpected cultural mixes Reasons why people might get divorced apart from common norms (i.e being gay and dealing with comhet issues) Differences in timing (having kids young, old, or around the same time as your peers) Blended families and having a sense of familial love regardless of biological relations Coparenting and not being romantically involved with your coparent (ie. due to you getting divorced from the kid's biological parent, having your kids be raised by a different family members apart from the biological parents, having your friend be a part of raising the kid, being adopted etc.) Cults and religious extremism I think overall, these factor contridict from heteronormativity and the nuclear family where a family is rigidly defined as 2 parents who had 2-3 kids in the 30s and that's it. I feel like listing this out as well as the previous post has helped me not have as rigid of an idea of what a family might look like for me in the future and what parenthood needs to look like. Don't get me wrong, I still have an ideal on the desired conditions I want to be a parent (i.e. I don't want to have a kid in my 20s and if I do have kids, I hope that my partner or I don't end up passing away while the kid is still a kid), but I think this has helped me create a more open mind as to different ways to go about parenthood as well as different factors that would have to be considered if I were to make a life decision like this.

Unconventional and Wacky Families Given how funny the thought of DILF hunting in my late 30s / early 40s was, my mind went to other places in regards to other interesting families I have met over the years. 1. My Indian History Professor: My Indian history professor in college was a white lady who grew up in a trailer park. She got into Indian history because it was like an escape and rebellion from her conservative redneck family. She met her husband in college and got pregnant while she was doing her PhD. Her husband is half Indian, half white and grew up in the Hare Krishna cult and his South Asian half is from Fiji. The guy also has an interesting look. Despite being half white, he just looks straight up South Asian. He has a beard and waist length curly hair which kind of makes him look like one of those meditation gurus you see on TV but then he's like dressed casually and has two tattoo sleaves. He's a middle school music teacher. Those two have a kid who despite being only one quarter South Asian still looks fully South Asian. The kid is also transgender and travels around during the summer with his mom and was in my study abroad group. The kid is pretty tall and pretty mature / calm and as a result blended in with the college students despite being like 13. Anyways, pretty much the whole family seems pretty chill and self aware. They all also regularly go to therapy which I think contributes to that. 2. My best friend from the 5th grade: I had a friend in the 4th grade who was a product of teen pregnancy. Her parents had her when they were like 16 and had her younger brother a few years later. The dad was still in their lives and they had a co-parenting situation going on. He was a paramedic. I don't remember what exactly the mom did but I did remember at one time she was working in a restaurant temporarily. We were all going to a private school by the way and my friend was very smart and kind of a book worm. What was interesting was my friend's living situation. Her mom (let's just call her Jennifer) had a friend who also had two kids when she was young. Jennifer for sure was straight and she tried dating other guys but after a while, she gave up and so did her friend. So as a result, Jennifer decided to move in with her friend and rent out a 4 bedroom house (this was the early 2000s and I am curious on how the finances worked in that household. The house hold consisted of Jennifer, her friend, and a total of 4 children. Jennifer had her own room. Her friend had her own room. My friend had her own room since she was the only girl and needed some privacy as she was going into her preteen years . And then the 3 little boys all shared a room. They were around 7-9 years old and were basically like the 3 stooges lol. Lowkey, moving in with a friend and coparenting with them to where both of your kids are kind of like siblings sounds like a vibe. I think Jennifer cooked with that one. The kids were also homeschooled after a while because the school district in our area was shit and I think after elementary school, they didn't have money for private school anymore. I also remember Jennifer really hating Fox News and not really liking religion all that much lol. I also have a memory of going to that house for my friend's 11th birthday and playing with the other kids in the house as well as her homeschool friends. I remember us all playing Kirby Return to Dreamland on the Wii and us getting stuck on one of the levels so we just went up to her mom and we were like "Miss Jennifer, we're stuck on this level, can you help us?" And then she played on the Wii with us for a while. In a lot of ways, she was like the fun mom. Now that I'm 26, I found myself thinking about Jennifer and how I'm like her age now. Like she was probably 26-27 at the time my friend was turning 11. And I found myself thinking *damn, here I am having an existential crisis about becoming a parent in the future while I'm low key old enough to have a house filled with 11 year olds for a birthday party.* Anyways, I wonder how my baddie Jennifer is doing. 3. My Friend from Middle School Whose Parents Got Divorced: My friend came from a religious family. But they were like the progressive kind of relgious where they genuinely believed in loving thy neighbor. Both of her parents were in support of gay rights and they didn't shop in Walmart because of the labor practices. Both parents were priests. The divorce happened because the mom ended up being gay and turns out they were holding the marriage together long enough to be able to raise the kids to where they would be old enough to not be totally traumatized with what's going on. The divorce occurred when my friend was in the 8th grade (so like 14) and her brothers were about to graduate highschool. Later on, I found out that her eldest brother (or I guess now sister) came out as transgender a few years later. I think mom was probably under a lot of pressure from her religious upbringing so she ended up in the comhet category to the point where got married to a man and had 3 kids. From what I could tell, my friend had some issues for the first few months processing the whole thing and dealing with the logistics of a situation like this but generally speaking, the divorce was amicable. 4. Interesting Mixed Couples: I know a couple who is my parents age where the dad is Bangladeshi and the mom is from Laos (mind you, the South Asian community is weird about mixed couples and that was even more so the case in the 80s and 90s when this couple got married). The dad works for Lockheed Martin and the mom's entire family has been voting for the Republican party since she came to the country in the 70s during the Vietnam War. From what I understand, their family fell for the propoganda around the Red Scare in the U.S. after dealing with their own share of trauma in their home country. The house hold consisted of the parents, their two kids, and the dad's parents. The mom had most of her family in Texas as well. As a result, both kids were pretty connected to both sides of their heritage. I just remember that every time I went to their house, the food was bomb and I got to play with their dogs. Another couple who is parents age consisted of the dad who is Bangladeshi and Muslim and the mom is a white woman from a trailer park. The mom fully converted to Islam and cut off her family. She's also like 6ft tall while her husband is around my height (5'2"). They have a kid who was taller than me by the time she turned 9 years old. I also have heard stories of a number of South Asian people having interracial marriages before interracial marriages got legalized in the US because they passed themselves off as different ethnicities and the white people didn't know better. Some of them were white passing, black passing, or just blended in with hispanic people. I also met a girl who was half hispanic and half indian and her family was from Guyana. I just thought that was culturally interesting. 5. I met this guy in college who had 6 siblings and they were raised in a Christian cult: His parents got sucked into it during the Satanic Panic during the 80s. Also, among the 7 kids, 3 of them are gay and 2 of them are REALLY homophobic and are following in the parents footsteps in the cult. The guy I met was one of the 2 straight kids who didn't want to be a part of the cult anymore and was basically trying to help his gay siblings to get out while covering for them. 6. My dad had a step-grandma: So apparently, my great grandma passed away young and then my great grandpa got married shortly after because he needed someone to take care of the kids and because he thought the kids were too young to inherit anything if god forbid anything happened to him. Like most marriages at the time in South Asia, it was more of a business transaction/ arrangement rather than something rooted in romantic love. The crazy part is that my dad didn't know that his grandma wasn't biologically related to him until after she passed away and his dad (my grandpa) told him. The reason why my dad had no clue was because his step grandma loved all her kids and her grandkids as her own despite having no biological connection. The story isn't super crazy but you also got to consider that this was Bangladesh in like the 1930s to 1960s. 7. My grandma was raised by her brothers: My grandma on my dad's side didn't really know her parents. Her mom died after giving birth to her younger sister and then her dad died shortly after. My grandma had 4 brothers and 4 sisters. And of the 9 kids, she was the second to youngest. Her eldest brother was like 22 years older than her and basically stepped in as a guardian for all the siblings at 25. As a result, my grandma had a pretty relaxed childhood and didn't have to deal with a lot of the societal expectations women had in her time. The siblings also inherited a large amount of money and weren't struggling financially. As a result of the money and how chill my grandma's older brothers were, they let her go to college. Out of the 5 sisters in the family, my grandmother was the only one that pursued a higher education. The others had the option to, they just didn't, My grandma basically treated college as a side quest before getting married to my grandpa. She graduated in like the late 1930s with a college degree which is pretty wild in my opinion. 8. Blended families: This isn't so much weird but it's interesting to think about as someone who is only 26. I have a couple of coworkers in the 50s who got married again in their 40s and both they and their partners have kids from different marriages. I have heard them talk about their familes and it's interesting watching them navigate the dynamics between the kids as well as the baby mama drama. I also know a girl who is 2 years older than me who is dating a guy who has a 4 year old kid from a different relationship. She's currently navigating the relationship and trying to get to know the mom from the previous relationship as well as bonding with the kid. 9. Young Parents: This isn't so much weird but I guess it's more so unconventional in my eyes. My parents and the extended family I grew up around are on the older end so I have been surrounded by old people growing up. So when I hear stories about people being raised by young parents or people becoming young parents, that's always interesting and a bit wild to me. I have coworkers who are like a couple years older than me who are already parents. I have one coworker who I was sure was atleast a decade older than me who is married, has 4 kids, and a mortgage and I remember when I found out she was around my age, I was pretty shocked. I also have another coworker who is 2 years older than me and she has a 5 year old. I wouldn't say that I'm super close to this person but we do talk sometimes about things going on in our lives and I feel like she and I have the same existential crisis and are navigating the same stage of life but it puts things into perspective because she's doing everything with a child. Like if I'm having a bad day, I can just eat a banana split for dinner and go to bed. If she was having the same kind of bad day, she would still have to fulfill her responsibilities as a parent instead of being able to just eat ice cream and fall asleep. Of course, I think being teen parents is wild but I also think having a kid in your 20s counts as "having kids young" because you're navigating so many life transitions and you're learning to navigate the adult world in that decade. And adding the responsibility of parenthood on top of that is not an easy thing and that can lead to a ton of complications and interesting dynamics. 10. I had a friend who was adopted: She was Chinese and was given up for adoption due to China's one child policy. She was raised in a conservative white family. She also has a sister who was also adopted from a different Chinese family. The white family consisted of her mom and her grandma. The mom passed away when she was 11. I remember listening to how she viewed her adoption as well as how other girls who were adopted due to the one child policy were also impacted.

So Y'all Break Up... Now What? I feel like I'm torn between chosing the love of my life and my future kid. One is a very established, happy, and fulfilling relationship. The other, is a hypothetical, a figment of my imagination. Part of me thinks that I should go with what's in front of me because it's solid and reliable. Another part of me wants to challenge myself and think bigger about my prospects in life outside of this relationship. After all, I don't believe in sacrificing my dreams for a MAN of all things. And typically when people think of giving up their dreams for a man, they imagine those corny Hallmark movies where the woman gives up her high power corporate job to go to small town, get married, and become a Christmas tree farmer. In my case, my "dream" is about being a parent and low key, I'm not 100% certain on whether or not this is my dream. But if it is, it wouldn't be right to give it up because of a man. The hypothetical nature of this question is part of the challenge. There is a chance that I might not become a parent after breaking up with this person because I don't find a man worthy of reporducing with in time. There is a chance that years from now, I change my mind yet again and decide to not have a kid after all. And then, that means I threw away a perfectly good relationship for nothing. There is a chance that I do meet someone new and I do end up having a kid with them. But also... maybe it's because I'm still in this relationship.... it feels gross to even think about having a kid with someone who isn't my current partner. I love this man so much that the thought of having a kid with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. Perhaps I would have a different view after I break up and mourn the relationship. But then I also think about the possibility of dating again and how rough the streets are. And maybe this has to do with the break up process and getting to a point of being able to date again in a healthy way. Like I feel that even if I get over the phase where I'm crying myself to sleep and I'm ready to move on, if I enter dating too quickly and get fucked over, I would just turn into The Joker. Like what do you mean I left the beauty and comfort of my relationship with X to get ghosted or cheated on by some fuckboy on Hinge? But also, what if I get married to a guy in my late 30s or early 40s and I'm past the age of being able to have children but the guy has kids or teenagers of their own. Lowkey, pulling a Kamala Harris sounds like a dream. I'm not opposed to dating a guy who already has kids so long as he's not a dead beat and / or has a super messy relationship with their ex (because I have standards). **Update: I wrote the post above yesterday and I forgot to hit Submit Reply. Also, I was reflecting on this a little more and not gonna lie, writing this out yesterday helped me ease off the pressure around this question. This is silly, but I thought the idea of my worst case scenario of me being in my late 30s early 40s, not having a kid because I didn't find someone in time, and having to go DILF hunting to be kind of a funny / amusing thought lol. I think this made this topic seem a little lighter.

Rumination I feel like since moving in with my boyfriend, I have been thinking of my reproductive choices on a daily basis. I feel like part of it is developmentally normal since I'm at the age when people usually start thinking of stuff like this and because my new living situation is causing me to rethink things. But I wonder to what extent I'm just thinking in circles and not getting anywhere because I'm hyperfixated on this topic. I think maybe I need to step away to get a better idea of what I actually want and how I feel about this matter so that I'm not in this mental / intellectual mode where I'm just dissecting and analyzing the topic to death. I think me being on leave is giving me the space to think about this. Which is good. But I also think that some days I'm waay too in my head to where I just end up annoying myself. That's how I felt yesterday. Today, I decided to force myself out of the house, do a long workout, go to lunch at a restaurant, and chill in a coffee shop for a little bit. I feel a bit refreshed but my mind still feels preoccupied with this matter. I can come up with some reasons (and potential reasons) as why this particular topic feels particularly pressing. I guess I'm just going to reflect on that here: My living situation: The choice to live with my boyfriend around the 3.5 year mark feels like a trial run for marriage. I'm also in a much better financial situation than I was in my early 20s and I'm in a walkable area. I have a good partner (more on that later). So logistically, me having a child right now, though it would be chaotic, won't be an absolute train wreck if we're looking at pure logistics. But, my partner is firmly childfree and me chosing to one day be a parent would mean the end of the relationship. So emotionally, it would be a train wreck lol. I have a great partner: Though he is firmly child free, I feel like our relationship is incredibly healthy. And living together made me realize that family doesn't have to be this scary, complicated thing that I witnessed growing up. That home can be a place where you are happy and at peace. And I feel like that feeling caused me to think *what if I brought a child into a situation like this?* But on the flip side, since I know if I decide ot have a kid I won't be able to have it with my current partner, all of these little moments and milestones of us getting closer and becoming closer to each other's families feel tainted. I basically feel like this meme: Developmental milestones: I think it's typical to be thinking of what settling down looks like for you in your late 20s and what you want from your life long term. And I think reproductive choices can be a big piece of that puzzle for how your life is structured, what your values are, and what kind of partner you can have. I'm not doing so hot in terms of friendships and community: This is me brainstorming but I wonder to what extent I would be hyperfixated on this topic or how this would impact my desire to be a parent if I had a more robust social life. There is a part of me that would be content with being an active aunt to one of my friend's kids but I don't know to what extent that would be possible considering I'm lucky if I get to hear from my friends every couple months or so. And I don't have any siblings to becoming an actual aunt is out of question. And I think I get a lot of fulfillment in life out of human relationships in general so I wonder if having more friends who are actively in my life would decrease this desire to be a parent since my need for human relationships is being fufilled in different ways. And I think especially if you live in a suburban area that emphasizes the nuclear family a lot, it's very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the only way you can have a community is through your kid as they interact with other children and go to school. On the other hand, I think me having a community might make my desire to be a parent more because I would have more social support. I feel a bit hesitant with being a parent right now because I would be pretty isolated which would make things harder. If I decide to be a parent, I want my kid to have a community and have other adults they can turn to in addition to their parents. I also want to model what friendship in adulthood looks like for my kid as well. I guess my other thing is that while I can see being childfree as a potentially fulfilling life path, I feel like that still has this assumption that I'm still going to have children in my life, just not biologically my own. Even when I was going through a phase where I wanted to be childfree in my personal life more than right now, I never wanted to live in a completely childfree world. And sometimes, it feels like the only gurantee I have with having kids in my life is if I have my own because I have seen so many horror stories about how the choice to have a kid causes a divide in friendships between parents and childfree adults. In theory, a lot of parents want to still be friends with their childfree peers to have that sense of community and support. But in practice, that's not how it always play out because parents relate to other parents more and have more things in common, causing alienation with their child free peers or the child free person is giving a disproportionate amount of effort in the relationship by showing up for parents when they need help or other parental milestones but the moment the childfree person has an issue or a milestone to celebrate, the parents are suddenly too overwhelmed to show up. Then there is the fact that a lot of people don't know how exactly parenthood will affect them where they think they will be able to manager all types of frienships and relationships but then once the kid is here, they go ghost, not because they don't care but because they don't have situation or skills to properly integrate their friendships to their new life style. I'm kind of stagnant in my career and personal goals: I know that becoming a parent isn't the only way to achieve fulfillment in life. But I wonder to what extent I'm defaulting to parenthood due to the overall context of my life. I am getting promotions at work and making decent money but I'm not in a position to change jobs to my desired industry due to the chaos in the world right now. Even though I am achieving things and I'm not complacent (I'm trying to make the most of what I have at this point), I do feel like I'm at a standstill of sorts since I have a job and not a career. As for personal goals, I feel like my travel itch has disappeared to an extent. I don't to what extent is because I have travelled around a bit and I'm closer to the point of feeling satiated or if my depression is causing me to not want to put myself out there, thus leading me to hyperfixate on the parenthood question instead. While I'm not in the mood to travel right now, I wonder to what extent taking myself out of my current environment and routine will help me take my mind off this topic so that I can come back to it with a fresher set of eyes.

I'm just annoying myself I have been looking back at my posts and I cannot help but think about how self-obsessed I am and how I'm just a walking existential crisis no one wants to be around. I hate how I cry really easily and how I lean on other people. I hate on how in my head I am. I feel like I'm 15 again because of my social anxiety. I think I just feel like the video below:

In The Middle I'm at the point of my mid 20s where I just feel unsure of myself and of life. I generally have good healthy habits mentally, emotionally, financially, physically, etc. I have a decent job even it isn't my desired career. I am capable of making friends and maintaining relationships even though sometimes life just happens. I think in most metrics, I'm doing really good in my life but it doesn't always feel like it. I remember around my 20th birthday feeling this rush of anxiety around starting my 20s because people put so much pressure on this being the best years of your life. To cope, I read a bunch of books an articles titled things like "things I wish I knew in my 20s," "regrets I have in my 20s" or "things I would tell my 20 year old self now that I'm 30." I studied those articles and I made sure to avoid common mistakes and establish good habits early on. In a way, I wanted to optimize my 20s so that I would meet my full potential. I don't think that period was all bad. At 26, I can say that I avoided common mistakes and established healthy habits. I did outgrow this notion of needing to optimize my 20s and reach my full potential (whatever that means lol) because I no longer see life as an equation or problem to solve rather it's something to experience with all it's imperfect moments and that a lot of the memories and life lessons come from things that are side quests of sorts. I have over the years have gotten much more gentle on myself (though I still have a long way to go) and I have embraced the notion that while it's wise to learn from other people's mistakes, that I'm going to make some on my own and life is like a self-selecting curriculum based on your quality of consciousness and your decision making. But I think my mid 20s comes with another kind of anxiety. While I have a good set of habits, sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough because I don't yet see the results of these long term habits. I have committed myself to long term goals, but I'm not sure exactly where it's leading. I'm doubting myself and my path. And then that yields to me looking and comparing with the results of other people. I have written about this in other posts: I think another issue that arises with relatively ambitious and put together people in your mid 20s is that you and similarly minded people can have vastly different experiences usually due to life circumstances, the cards they were dealt, what makes sense in their lives, or hell, sometimes it's down to luck. The way I think of it, I think of it as you and your friends planting a bunch of seeds at the same time. You all water the plants the same (or specific to the type of plant you have) and you put them in the same soil. But none of the plants grow at the same rate in your garden, and definitely not at the same rate compared to other people's gardens. Sometimes it's the plants you didn't particularly care for that shoot up but the plants were looking forward to harvesting is stunted. And it's not the fault of your gardening abilities and it's not the seeds, sometimes it's just timing. I would say that my garden consists of the career/ education plant, the romance plant, the friendship plant, the hobby plant, and the personal finance plant. The career plant is growing at a slow and steady pace and it shot up a while back. The romance plant is growing much more and much faster than expected. The friendship plant, the plant that I wanted to flourish the most, is pretty stunted. The hobby plant is just fine. And the personal finance plant is growing pretty strong consistently. Weirdly enough, according to my values and where I put my time and attention, I would expect the romance plant and the personal finance plant to not be as strong, but the way that life has taken me, those ended up being my strongest plants because the growth of these plants weren't due to the extra attention I gave them, but because nature decided it was the season for these things to flourish. That poor little friendship plant depresses me. I'm sure with the way that I care for all the plants that in the long run, my good habits will pay off and all the plants will even out or have their season of flourishing but I don't have the life experience to put that into perspective just yet. So now, my good habits and my tending to these plants feel like I'm putting in effort to the void, wondering if they will ever pay off. In other words, my mid 20s feel very mid. It's not as exciting as the early 20s where I'm starting all these new things and I'm not at the end of my 20s where I'm seeing the longer term reprucussions of my current life style or habits (for better or for worse). I feel like I'm in the boring middle where I'm just doubting things. The above video made me think of various TikTok sounds and then I remembered the *Into the thick of it* song. I searched it up and for the first time listened and watched the original piece the sound came from. I feel like the little pink alien is part of my psyche that is trying to be positive about my efforts. The moose is my existential crisis (maybe there is no path and maybe there will be nothing at the end of all this so I should be more intrinsically motivated with my long term habits).The blue penguin is me doubting myself and is thinking I'm going in circles. And the purple kangaroo that keeps getting whacked (and then eventually dodges the leaf that's doing the whacking after encountering it multiple times) is me trying to learn from my poor little friendship plant that isn't blooming lol.

I feel mid... This is going to make me sound like an asshole but I was hanging out with some people the other day who were quite impressive and I found myself feeling very mediocre in comparison. I know, I know, I should be happy for them and see it as aspirational and that's the right, good person, way to feel but I found myself feeling inadequate. I graduated from a mediocre university and I didn't even have a good GPA. I'm not the type of person who reads 50+ books a year. I'm not super busy in terms of my social calendar. I'm not out here working at a high paying job nor do I have a side gig. I'm not super athletic to where I'm running marathons and shit. And I don't have a masters degree. I don't think I'm a loser.I graduated with a double major and I think I'm decently educated in the world around me. I do read like a handful of books per year. I have a job that pays me well enough to support myself and to where I'm content with my life in a material sense. I have some close relationships. I have hobbies. I do have a habit of working out regularly even if I do suck at things and i'm not particularly atheletic. I have decent habits in terms of functioning in my day to day life and in terms of taking care of myself. I'm financially stable and have good saving, spending, and investing habits. I have some career related goals I have met. I travel every now and then. I have worked through most (but not all) of my issues regarding childhood trauma. I have decent communication and conflict resolution skills. I think in most metrics, I'm not failing at life. But I don't feel like I'm excelling either. I just feel painfully average. As narcissistic as it might sound, I think I do wish I had something that made me special or made me stand out in some way. I think there is a part of me that thinks it will make me more interesting, more desirable socially, and someone who is easier to connect to. I think it's also because I don't have the best core of self esteem and that part of my psyche never got properly formed growing up. If I were to describe myself, my brain will blank out. I'm not notably any particular personality, trait, or characteristic. I can't say I'm smart. I can't say I'm pretty. I can't say that I excel at x y or z. I feel like a grey blob.

I think I'll try to make my own list and I think it will overlap a lot with the original post as well: quality relationships among friends and family where you're actively involved in people's lives and have fostered a sense of closeness and emotional vulnerability as well as light heartedness a general sense of community which yields to a broader sense of connectedness beyond your inner circle to something bigger than yourself a sense of purpose through work + gaining mastery over a craft of your choice which also helps people as a whole physical activity in hobbies and interests that make you happy, not necessarily to get ripped or look a certain way (it can be something simple as going on a walk every day, something intense like training for a marathon to challenge yourself, a sport of your choice like soccer, volleyball, hiking, weightlifting etc. or, something you do with your friends and family like team sports, going out dancing, etc.) creative hobbies that allow for self expression and self exploration so that you're not just consuming things and you're also producing a sense of curiousity and wonder in the world (it can look like having things you like learning / researching about, reading a genre of your choice, being curious and asking people about their lives, interests, experiences, and also just being mindful of your surrounds and enjoying the creation of consciousness). eating well (this can mean eating healthy and balanced meals but it also means having a good relationship with food so you're not restrictive and also being able to enjoy a meal out with friends, maybe a few drinks in a social setting, or a nice treat every now and then) creating enough free time to rest, ponder, be bored, just hang out in an unstructured setting, and chill so you aren't booked to the brim working through unhealthy patterns, family issues, addictions, etc. so that they don't negatively impact your happiness and quality of life building a life that you genuinely want after deconstructing social patterns and norms (i.e. you might not want to have a suburban house and 2-3 kids but you might still want a family made up of close friends and their kids in a larger city). travelling and learning about different people and cultures as well as being in nature allowing yourself time and space to ask larger questions about life and philosophy as well as meditate / contemplate I can probably think of more but I'll leave this much for now.

75 hard is starting to feel hard // feeling insecure about productivity Today is day 23 out of 75 and I feel like today and yesterday were some of the hardest days so far. I'm on my period. Everything hurts. I'm very low energy and all I want to do is rot in bed until it's over and eat cake, chocolate, and ice cream. But I still have to do the two workouts and stick to the dumb diet. I feel like I cannot think straight and I lowkey regret going on this challenge. I also feel like I was such a lazy sack of shit this week. I think it might be my period but still. Don't get me wrong, I feel like I did a lot of introspection work and a lot of journalling on and offline but I still feel like I didn't do anything because I'm not doing this while working a job. In a way, it feels like my productivity during leave doesn't count because I should ideally be able to do everything I'm doing right now while working 8-10 hours a day. I think part of the reason why I started the "My Days On Leave" journal is to keep track of what I'm doing throughout the day in an effort to show myself that I am actually being productive. I think I have made progress in that I'm not having panic attacks before bed about what I'm doing the next day because I don't have work but I still feel like there is something wrong with me for needing to take a break. I also feel a bit insecure about how busy I'm not. I feel like every time I want to hang out with friends, I have a relatively free schedule but then when I try to make plans, my friends are all super busy to where I have to schedule things out 6 weeks in advance. This is not a new thing that has been annoying me but lately, I feel like there is something wrong with me on how I do have free time. I know that I have hobbies, a job (usually), goals I'm working towards, and a couple of important relationships in my life. I'm not like a loser with no life. But sometimes, it feels like I am because I'm not booked to the brim gasping for air.

6/3 Day 16 woke up at around 9:30 journaled went out for lunch read a book watched youtube videos went on a walk did some chores around the house meditated made dinner spent time with boyfriend 6/4 Day 17 woke up at around 8:30 watched youtube videos journaled a lot made lunch went to therapy journaled some more went to a work out class took an everything shower made dinner watched some TV went on a walk read a book 6/5 Day 18 woke up at 10:30 because of nightmares made brunch went on a walk (hated it because I was on my period) laid around a lot, didn't do much because of cramps watched longer form youtube videos (a couple of videos that are like 2 hours long) took a nap went to the gym made dinner went to a sound bath meditation got a flat tire while coming back, got that fixed up (sort of) watched TV with my boyfriend and talked for a little bit 6/6 Day 19 woke up at around 9 stayed in bed for a while because of cramps ate a small breakfast went on a walk took a shower went out to lunch with some friends hung out for a while came home spent time with boyfriend ate dinner played mario kart with boyfriend did a work out read a book journalled for a little bit.

I have decided to take a break from my corporate job for about 8 weeks as it was slowly eroding my mental health. I kind of want to keep track on what I have been up to during this time off and I'm going to use this space as a daily diary of sorts. I want to make sure I'm on track with my goals and that my days don't just blur together. My main insights and reflections are going to be in my main journal though.

"You Would Be An Amazing Mother" I hate when people say this to me. I know people mean well when they say it and it's usually in response to how deeply I'm thinking about this subject or it's a compliment based on basic character traits they know about me. But I hate it. I feel like people who utter this phrase often have no clue what they are talking about. I'm pretty sure people said the same thing to my mother. And let's just say, without going into detail of the trauma that I had to sort out in years of therapy, that my mom wasn't a good parent. I also know that throughout the years, people have told my mom that she's worked so hard at being a mom and that she's doing such a great job, while they are completely left in the dark on the abuses that occur behind closed doors. In my opinion, we put motherhood on a pedestal. We see mothers as saints while at the same time scrutinize their every move. I think that's the nature of pedestaling anyone. We see them as highly but that same distance causes us to dehumanize them. We think mothers always know best and that they are always self sacrificial. That narrative doesn't make room for toxic or abusive mothers. People already have a narrative that women cannot be abusers and often times, male victims of abuse at the hands of a woman are often discredited and disbelieved. People already have a narrative that men kind of suck so if you talk about how your dad sucked, it's pretty believable. At the same time, because people have the narrative that men suck, the moment that a man does the bare minimum as a parent like changing a diaper or "baby sitting" their kid, they are seen as exemplary. But on the flip side, if you tell people that your mom sucked, they don't believe you, they often think you're being too harsh on her, and they think you should just forgive and make amends. And yes, there is something to be said that women are put under so much pressure and scrutiny that to be considered an amazing mother is a tall order and that even being a decent mom is a feat. So you don't want to double down on that pressure and you can also empathize with the systemic issues you own mom dealt with. But, that doesn't erase mistreatment. And I think that's why the phrase "as a woman I understand but as your daughter that hurt" rings true. I also think this is why there is the sentiment of how daddy issues make a person angry but then mommy issues make people into psychologists lol. And whose to say that the same thing won't happen with me where everyone says I'll be a good parent but then I fail miserably? Sure, I'm in therapy and I think I have dramatically different life circumstances and mindsets compared to my mom, but whose to say I won't find a different way to fuck up my kid while everyone outside my household goes on to say how much of a great parent I am? The only person whose opinion on my parenting I care about is of my own hypothetical kid... when they are 25 years or older. I don't care about what my hypothetical kid thinks of me when they are 10 years old throwing a tantrum or 15 years old and pushing my boundaries. I care about what they think once they are old enough to properly reflect on their childhood and discern good and bad parenting.

Breasts and Eggs I remember seeing a post a while back on the childfree side of the internet hyping up the book Breasts and Eggs. It's been in my Amazon cart for while and I finally decided to buy it and read it given that I have extra time on my hands and I'm grappling with my own complicated thoughts about motherhood. I remember the post that recommended Breats and Eggs said that it might not give you the answers on whether or not you should have a child but it will make you think and question. I thought this was the perfect book for me given that description because of my own ambiguous stance on whether or not I should have a kid. And I do agree with that assessment of the book, that it doesn't lecture you or spoon feeds a narrative and is instead more exploratory around the subject of womanhood as a whole. The first section, Breasts, talks about plastic surgery, the changes a woman's body goes through, and how that is viewed in society and how women view themselves. The second section, Eggs, is about the main character, Nasuko who is a writer in her mid-late thirties looking into options on getting pregnant without being in a romantic relationship. This section talks about artificial insemination, how people concieved through artificial insemination view the proceedure, the ethics of having a kid, and more. I'm mainly going to focus on the second part as that relates to the purposes of this journal. I feel like as a reader, I went in hoping this book will aid in my introspection around the topic of whether or not I should be a parent. I will say, I went into this book with an agenda in mind. I do like how the book handled various topics around existentialism, choice, consent, poverty and socioeconomic status, gender poltics in Japan, family structures, various forms of conception, and the various life choices the women in this book have made and the relationships they have with their bodies. Again, very exploratory and very well executed. At the same time, I go back to the original social media post that recommended me this book and how it said that it will compell you to ask questions and get you thinking. I don't think this book really had me thinking about questions I hadn't thought of before. In that way, it didn't feel like it added anything new to my stances or thinking processes around becoming a parent. It didn't feel as thought provoking to me because my head already had thoughts provoked lol. As a result, the book fell flat to me, not because of the contents of the book or how it was written, but because of how I as the reader came in with an agenda and in some ways I felt like the agenda wasn't fulfilled. That said, I still quite enjoyed this book. I enjoyed being able to connect to each of the characters and their experiences. In a way, I felt less alone in reading this book through the ambiguity of the main character around her reproductive choices. Sure, the main character is ambiguous on her thought of becoming a parent due to different reasons and is in a very different position from me, but I feel like it's nice having some degree of representation for people in the ambiguous place. I find it lonely having my own existential crisis around whether or not I should have a child. I feel like the vast majority of the people in my life are firmly decided on *yes they do want to one day be a parent and have like 3+ kids* or *no never in a million years do they want to produce a crotch goblin.* I can only think of one person in my life who is undecided and another person in my life who is sure they want to be a parent one day but is incredibly apprehensive. I also feel like this is one of those topics that becomes less and less appropriate to ask about as you get older. I feel like in your early 20s, it's still a weird question to ask but people are still in a more exploratory phase in their lives. But as you move in to your mid 20s (at least in Texas), a lot of people have either settled down or have their minds made up on what settling down looks life for them. As a result, once exploratory questions of whether or not you want to have kids can turn rather invasive and interrogative due to the personal nature of the topic at hand. I also feel like this notion that it's rude to ask people why they want to have kids also plays into the normalization of having kids and how being childfree is considered to be an aberration. It's not weird to ask people why they didn't have kids but it is weird to ask why people chose to have kids? Double standard much? I believe since we have our hang ups on asking other people why they want to have kids interpersonally, that also bleeds into the intrapersonal sphere where a lot of people don't ask themselves why they want to have kids or interrogate the answers that come up. I think it's getting better over time as more people are seeing being childfree as a legitmate lifestyle and not as a punchline about a sad old woman who will die alone with cats. But I still feel the stigma, not in the decision itself, but in the process of arriving to the decision. I remember seeing posts about how if you have doubts on having kids, don't have them because it means you don't truly want them. While I can see how this can be true for some (like don't have a kid from a half-assed desire), I can see on how being 100% sure isn't the best barometer. There are plenty of people who were 100% sure they want to be a parent but they realized they didn't think things through, or they ended up being horrible parents, or the realized that it was way harder than what they anticipated. I feel like my doubts and questions about parenthood isn't rooted in a half assed desire rather it's about wanting to carefully consider a complex decision through comprehensive introspection. I don't treat bringing life into the world lightly and I fear that a substantial number of people treat reproduction way too casually for my liking. Part of the reason why I like the child free community is because while they might not have the answers I'm seeking, they're at least asking the right questions. On the other corner, you have the pro reproduction side of things that can range any where from people being on autopilot, religious people and conservatives trying to convince you that your purpose as a woman is to pop out a soccer team of kids, and some people that overly idealize parenthood whether it is intentional or unintentional. In the way that the child free community encourages exploration and in the way that I feel isolated in my own exploratory process, I believe that Breasts and Eggs provided a solace for me and honors that exploration.

@Yimpa Thank you, I'm glad you're liking this format

5/30 Day 12 gonna be honest, I don't remember much of what I did this day since I'm writing this like 4 days later woke up around 8:30 went to my 2 hour workout class showered and had lunch read my book watched Youtube videos ate dinner played pickleball went to sleep 5/31 Day 13 woke up around 7:30 went on a walk ate something small for breakfast went to Academy Sports and Outdoors to pick up a few things did the groceries carried the groceries home and put things away drove downtown for a Fifa kick off event and hung out there for a bit ate a late lunch came home took a nap read a book took a long shower ate dinner did an at home workout went to sleep 6/1 Day 14 Woke up around 9 watched some youtube videos planned out my interntional trip to Australia only to realize I don't have the budget to do that right now had lunch started researching on my trip to Africa journalled for a bit went on a walk did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen > the kitchen was a mess and this took like an hour went to the grocery store to pick up a few things made dinner read a book listened to music spent time with my boyfriend 6/2 Day 15 Woke up at around 9 watched some YouTube videos to check the news Went on a walk rotted in bed Made lunch Journalled for a little bit Did my second workout did the laundry took a shower drove an hour to meet a friend hung out with friends for a few hour and drove back home read a book spent time with my boyfriend

Andy Frisella from 75 Hard Andy Frisella is the guy who came up with the 75 Hard Challenge. First off, I want to start by saying that this guy feels like a caricature of Stage Orange. I also can't help but think that he has a similar cadence as Andrew Tate but I think that might just be a podcast bro thing. I feel like it especially comes through in the whole tHIs iS a MEntal ToUGHneSs pROgrAm thing. But I think it was insightful to listen to the reasoning behind the phrase as it is associated witht he challenge. I was listening to this episode and I found myself agreeing and disagreeing with various points and comparing them to the whole concept of the Puer Aternus and the path to maturity. I wrote about the latter in the previous post below: Andy starts the podcast off with how a lot of courses and programs that self help people create don't work because most people don't have the work ethic and follow through to stick to things and work hard. Andy explains that before doing various courses, in order for them to be effective, you need to master skills like discipline, willpower, self worth, fortitude, self control, self esteem, and confidence. He says that these are the building blocks of mental toughness. Each of these skills can be built or they can erode over time. These aren't inherent to us. As a result, 75 Hard is a training program to help. I don't think that 75 Hard is the only way to cultivate these qualities and I would suggest that there are better paths at building these traits through things like therapy and working through your issues. I think having this attitude that you need to grow these qualities rather than expecting yourself to just be born with it relates to the Puer Aeternus bit that you cannot put yourself, life, or other people on a pedestal. I also agree with the notion that it's not always the course/ program's fault if something doesn't work. Sometimes it's the person doing the course/ program. 75 hard requires zero deviations and zero compromise because the program is supposed to be hard and supposed to be inconvenient. This is because in life, conditions will never be perfect and you will need to do things you don't want to do. You need to intentionally put yourself in places that were uncomfortable. And when you start tweaking and compromising, that opens the door to quitting. Then he started going on about how people in difficult situations all completed the program like people who were 3 days out from giving birth, people who had multiple jobs, and people who don't have arms and legs. The good points from this section include doing things that are hard and inconvenient, putting yourself in uncomfortable situations in order to grow, and how sometimes tweaking and compromising is just a way to make excuses and avoiding doing what you need to do. One of the ways that you learn to grow up and outgrow the Puer Aeternus archetype is by doing the boring, monotonous thing and showing up consistently. The Dr. K video in the post that I linked above, talks about how the Puer Aeternus is able to muster monumental effort in a short period of time when conditions are perfect but they cannot sustain their efforts on a normal, average, boring, rainy day. And then, Puer Aeternus will blame the conditions rather than evaluate themselves and where they are falling short. I think one of the things I like about this challenge (which I will write about later on) is how I feel like this challenge forces you to grapple with your own relationship to consistency and take it to the next level. I like how this challenge is a longer period of time like 75 days because in those 75 days, you will have good days, bad days, boring days where you feel like you're just grinding, and days where you simply don't feel like it. And I think learning to be consistent through all of that and shift your schedule to accommodate to the priorities of this challenge is part of also outgrowing the Puer Aethernus archetype. I have also written about the importance of inconvenience and the ways that the culture around convenience: The thing I disagree with is the notion that tweaking and compromising always leads to quitting or making excuses. It's less about the fact you're compromising and more about why you're compromising. Later in the podcast, Andy talks about how his attorneys made him create the disclaimer that you need to consult a physician or health care professional before doing 75 Hard and how you shouldn't do it if your physician or health care provider advises against it. He also says that you want to use common sense (i.e. don't do you outdoor workout if there is a flood or thunderstorm) and talks about being able to differentiate between your common sense vs making excuses. Being able to differentiate between your common sense and making excuses is something I agree with. This section regarding the disclaimer did annoy me a bit regarding his tone. It made it sound like he's adding this disclaimer just to protect himself from legal reprucussions rather than actually believing what he says. His tone felt like *ugggh my lawyers are making me say this* I think as I'm looking at my life and this challenge, my decision to not drink a gallon of water a day and my decision to not take a progress picture everyday is more so rooted in the *I'm trying to accomodate for medical issues* bit rather than me finding excuses. I will say that my compromise on the type of book I'm reading can fall into the excuses category in Andy's eyes but I don't agree with his reasoning. The podcast talks about how the books you read on this challenge has to be nonfiction and self development related. This is because it has to educate you and grow you. It's not entertainment. I do see the benefit of challenging yourself by picking up something that may be difficult and is intended to educate you. But I disagree with the notion that nonfiction and self development content is the only way to do that or that it is even the most effective in achieving this goal. I don't agree with the notion that all fiction is purely passive entertainment. I think anything can be passive forms of entertainment, even nonfiction works, and it has less to do with the content and more to do with how you're relating, analyzing, and grappling with the subject matter. A piece of fiction can be a very challenging and educational read, especially from a literacy standpoint, and if you are using media literacy to really sit with the various themes, messages, and the way concepts are portrayed in the book, in some ways, fiction can be a more transformational and educational force than nonfiction. I also think that the part where he lists out all the difficult situations where people have completed the program to be a classic example of cherry picked datapoints and survivorship bias. Of course you're going to hear about the few people who completed the challenge, not the people who weren't able to and/or have constructive criticism towards this challenge. And I think the extent of which a challenge like this is doable and sustainable does depend on a lot of lifestyle factors. Me doing this challenge now that I'm not working doesn't have the same degree of discipline as if I was trying to do this while also working a typical 8 hours. Not to mention, cherry picking evidence doesn't take any systemic factors into account which to me points to a lack of introspection and situational awareness. I also think that one off, extreme examples aren't particularly helpful or sustainable. The podcast uses the example of the guy who ran 50 Ironmans consecutively through 50 states who lost all his toe nails on day 3. Don't get me wrong, I do think that is a feat and that is exemplary of mental toughness, but I don't think we should encourage extremes which I'm going to delve into the next bullet. He discredits professionals and psychologists that talk about how you need to take baby steps to establish habits or that this program yields to over training and is bad for you. He then goes on this think about how this isn't for people who want to be like everyone else, this is for people who want to win, who want to dominate, and who want to develop their own super power that other people will never have. Already, we're not off to a great start with a podcast bro discrediting experts in their fields who have worked with a number of people and have done extensive research. Sure, the baby step approach doesn't work as well for a certain subset of people who just need to jump into a habit or a challenge. But broadly speaking, having a perfectionistic attitude where you have to start over in day 1 if you fall short even a little bit on any task or not having any accommodations/ room for error is not a great way to cultivate good habits and create something sustainable that you can maintain. This doesn't work for most people by design, not because most people suck. Then there is the whole attitude of wanting to be better than other people and to win/ dominate...... I just don't think this is a healthy or constructive attitude to take and it lacks compassion for yourself and other people. I think this also ties into the whole Puer Aeternus archetype because it's this emphasis on wanting to be great, heroic, and larger than life, than actually doing the real work and being a normal person. This section immediately made me think of the following notes I took in the Puer Aeternus post I linked above: Finally, Andy talks about how no one is going to check up on you so it's important to have integrity. This is because you need to learn to coach yourself. You also shouldn't skimp on the small details because that will cost you in the end. I do like this point as someone who values having integrity in their life. I think being honest with yourself an learning to guide yourself to achieve your goals is a valuable skill to have. And I think that paying attention to the small things is important so long as it's not obsessive or perfectionistic. The other point I kept thinking about as I was listening to this podcast is the wayt hat Andy has a very perfectionistic outlook on what discipline can look like from the whole rule that says you have to start over the challenge if you mess up a little bit to some of the extreme nature of his tasks. I think the part I disagree with his whole philosophy really, is that you can be gentle with yourself and you can be disciplined. If anything, often those two things go hand in hand. Here are some things I have written in previous posts: I would say that if there is one concept that I wish Andy Frisella would understand is this concept of undisciplined discipline. I made a list of how I characterized gentleness and later how this overlaps with discipline. I made the entry below after trying to build discipline over the course of a year and failing and after I evaluated my emotional needs at the time while combining what I learned in the college courses I was taking.

Unconditionally Wanting Parenthood I think a lot of people think about the topic about whether or not they will unconditionally love their child when trying to decide whether or not they want to have a child. I do think that is a worthy question to think about but I also think that another question that needs to be asked more is whether or not you unconditionally want to be a parent. I think when it comes to talking about choosing to reproduce, even in our language we default to the phrase "have a kid" rather than "be a parent." I even try to moderate the phrasing in my journal as well because I think it's easy to have a kid, hell for some people it happens accidentally, but not everyone who has a kid is a parent, much less a good parent. I also think about all the regretful parents posts that talk about how they love their kid but they hate motherhood and if they could go back in time, this would not be the path they would have chosen. But at the same time, since the kid is already her and they love their kid, it's not like they wish any harm on the kid. I think there is healthy and unhealthy forms of unconditionally wanting parenthood. I think the unhealthy form is wanting to have the kid even if you're in a terrible circumstance that would compromise how you would show up to be a parent. I don't think it's a good idea in most cases to have a kid when you're in your teens and early 20s, in the middle of a messy relationship, dealing with addiction issues, dealing with the aftermath of rape, in poverty etc. And I have many reasons why I think it's important for women to have bodily autonomy and choose whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. A lot of people who have had abortions don't fall into the childfree by choice category. In many cases, they can recognize that even though they want to be a parent, they don't want to be a parent under these circumstances. I think I also saw a statistic that 95% of people who have had an abortion when asked about it 5 years later, they either have no feelings towards the situation or they have positive feelings associated with the fact that it was a good decision at the time. However, there are people who see tumultuous life circumstances and still prioritize their selfish desire to have a child. And I think that's wrong and unhealthy. At the same time, I guess you can also argue that often times, this subset of people are operating under the lens of having a kid as opposed to wanting to be a parent. The healthy form of unconditionally wanting to be a parent is deciding that you want to be a parent regardless of what is happening in your personal life or broader society. You want to have a kid regardless of whether you have a community or not. Sure, a community would be helpful and may be preferred, but you would still want to have the kid even if you're going through a season of not having friends for example. You would want to be a parent regardless of financial circumstances. Definitely it's best to save and have some kind of planning, but even if you prepare, there is still a chance that you may go through some kind of financial hardship over the course of 20 years. It's deciding you still want to show up and be a parent even after your parents and family pass away. It's deciding you still want to be a parent even if a war erupts and you have to protect your family. It's deciding you want to be a parent even if your spouse suddenly passes away and you have to raise the kid yourself with little to no help. I have mentioned in a previous post that I would only want to have a kid under specific circumstances. I have also talked in the post right before this one the type of preparation I would ideally want to have in place before giving birth. So I know I'm not in the category of unconditionally wanting to be a parent in the unhealthy sense. But even though I'm going through a phase where I want to have a child, I wonder to what extent it's conditional. My whole deal with my decision to have a kid is rooted in having informed consent with myself. I think basic consent comes from allowing yourself to have a choice on whether or not you want to bring life into this world and seeing being childfree as an option. I can't say that the previous generations of women in my family really had that choice. But I want to move beyond basic consent to informed consent. I'm doing this by weighing each factor of what it takes to raise a kid well into consideration and seeing what I do and don't want to do in terms of putting in effort through the introspective process. I will admit, part of the reason why this feels like a difficult decision is because while I have good reasons to stay with my current partner and be child free for the rest of my life or break up with my partner and pursue the path of having a kid one day, I also have some fear based thinking on both sides. It's weird saying this for me since I grew up as an introverted only child who is comfortable doing things by herself, but I think there is a part of me that is afraid of being completely alone. I think learning to be alone is one thing and learning to be alone in adulthood is another given how much the landscape of socialization changes after you exit the school environment. One thing that I'm contemplating is to what extent I would want to have a kid if I already had a community for myself. I don't have much of a community at this time and I think that incentivizes me hanging on to my current partner and it also makes me think that having a kid can be a way that I can gain a sense of community later on when the kid starts going to school and starts making friends. I wonder if I already had a sense of community, would that make me want to have a kid more or less? It could make me want to have a kid more because I have more to give to the kid. Or it could make me want the kids less since I have different forms of connection in my life and I'm not as attached to the motherhood route. I think the former on having a community and wanting to be a parent more would be an indication of wanting to be a parent unconditionally because I already know that there is a spark of desire to have a kid even when there is no community. As for money, I think I would want to have a kid regardless of my financial status. I think I have enough of a cushion built up monetarily and careerwise to where I can withstand difficult situations and that I can recover. Ideally, I wouldn't want financial issues in the first 4 years of being a parent but I think after that, I would be able to withstand most things. As for other poltical / sociological issues going on that's out of my control, I think I would prefer to not have a kid during the 2020s (I mean I wasn't planning on having a kid in my 20s period) but especially during these chaotic times. If I was 36 right now, I think I would have a different take where I would have more pressure to have a kid if I really wanted to amidst these chaotic political times since I wouldn't have the biological luxury of waiting it out. But since I'm 26, I think I have about 7-10 years to wait out this period of chaos to see if things will get better and if I could give birth in better circumstances. I think there are some things that I'm apprehensive about like climate change, AI, the crumbling public education system, expensive health care, school shootings, etc. Sometimes I wonder if bringing life into this world is ethical, because low key, I don't want to be here either. I don't mean this in a depressive, I want to eject myself from existance way, but in a *girl, I didn't consent to being alive and try to live laugh love in this situation.* Like, despite everything going on, I still am finding ways to find joy and see life as worth living. But it's more of a *hey, since I'm here, I'm trying to make the most of it* kind of way rather than I think life is inherently worth living for. As a result, I think my desire to have a kid, even if it's a temporary phase, during these chaotic times, is a sign of hope because I can sense some things getting better. Maybe not 5 years from now. I don't have faith in the short term future. But maybe 20+ years from now we'll be in a better place. I wrote about the timing of deciding to be a parent in a previous post: But I also wonder, would I still want to be a parent if there was no gurantee whatsoever that things will improve for me or my kid even if I did have hope. That's where the unconditionality aspect of the question comes back in.

Things I Would Have To Do Prior To Becoming A Parent Financially get things in order: While I'm in a stable place financially as a single person who is only responsible with providing for herself, I will need to do some extra work to financially plan to become a parent. Work with a financial advisor to plan out long term savings like college. Get life insurance and a HSA invest as much as I can in my 401k before having a kid to create a buffer for when I decide to have a kid save a shit ton of money for the first few years (diapers, health care costs, car seats, nursery etc.) Take some parenting classes Get up to date information on how you should care for babies and toddlers safely (because I stg babies can be very delicate and I don't want the thing to die on me because they laid down weird). Take classes on how to discipline your kids effectively: I feel like I know how to discipline kids in theory but I don't have much practice in it. Read a few parenting books on what is and isn't developmentally appropriate over the years : From the child's perspective, I think I encountered a lot of things in my life that was not developmentally appropriate that caused me at times to be too mature for my age, unable to connect to my peers, and miss out on being a young person or in the reverse, caused me to be stunted at times. From the parent's perspective, I think it would be good to know what is and isn't developmentally appropriate so I'm not getting frustrated as easily with the kid's behavior or I'm not internalizing it. Work through my own personal issues Get to a point where you can self regulate and meet your adult responsibilities like 90% of the time no matter what is going on. Deal with my inner critic Continue going to therapy Rearrange the architecture of my life Get a job in my desired industry Move to a walkable city Find a partner worth reproducing with Have more close friends / community so you have a degree of social support

These are some of my basic reflections on the following questions. I think the parts that are bolded are the questions I find myself stuck on as I continue contemplating this.

A Disconnection From Being About a week ago I went to a sound bath mediation session. I have gone to these sessions before and I found them to be quite calming. This session also felt calming but I found my thoughts racing. It wasn't about anything specific, my mind was wandering through various random memories I hadn't thought of in years. The person conducting the meditation was talking a lot about being and allowing yourself to observe your thoughts and feelings rather than being consumed by them. I intellectually understood what she was talking about but emotionally, it felt like a foreign concept. That's when I realized the extent to which my work environment and lifestyle was rotting my connection to spirituality. Since then, I have been using my walks and my workouts as a form of meditation, to be more mindful, and to process various things happening in my life. I have also been working in some silent meditation time as well. I feel like work has put me in a constant state of doing and rushing around to where it's been difficult to just enjoy life at times which is why I wanted this break in the first place. The first week of me being on leave consisted of me being anxious whenever I would go to sleep and wake up. I wrote about it before in the previous post about this topic: The second week was without this clockwork anxiety. I feel like this last week has been be starting to feel like myself again. I feel like I have been able to disconnect from work and feel more refreshed, however, there is this voice in my head that's like *wellp, we feel better, now it's time to get back at it.* Of course I'm not going to do that, I took like 8 weeks off for a reason. I should be allowed to feel like myself and bask in that instead of feeling like I need to get back to work. The fact that there is a voice in my head like that is part of the problem. Today, I caught myself feeling kind of depressed. I woke up at around 8:30 and I didn't want to get out of bed or do anything productive. I knew rotting in bed wasn't going to help so I went on a walk, did some chores, and completed a couple of tasks in my day. I do feel a bit better but the depression is still there. I'm dealing with an existential crisis about my reproductive choices and what that means for my life and current relationship going forward. It's something that I find myself thinking about nearly everyday and it feels quite heavy. I feel lost and disconnected with myself. I know that seems pretty contridictory since I just wrote in the previous paragraph how I'm starting to feel like myself again. I guess the best way I can describe this is that I feel more connected to my selfhood outside of my job but I still feel disconnected from a sense of passion and meaning in my life. My decision to either stay with my partner and be childfree for the rest of my life or to break up with my partner and hope that one day find I someone new and have a child feels very weighty and clouded by a variety of emotions which I'm still trying to make sense of. It's to the point where things that would typically bring me joy like travelling and learning about different cultures feels a bit dull at this time. And I don't know if this is a result of the depression or the natural development of my changing interests.

An Update On 75 Hard: 2+ Weeks In I have been able to stick to it for over two weeks now. My body is recovering faster though I am pretty fatigued and tired. I noticed that I require more sleep now with my increased activity. I find myself going to bed at around 12:30 and then waking up at 9:30 -10 naturally. So that's like a solid 9-9.5 hours of sleep whereas before I would typically need 7-8. I haven't been able to stick to the gallon of water a day thing. Yesterday, I went to the doctor and got my blood pressure taken. It was a 143 over 82. A normal, healthy blood pressure is 120 over 80. The doctor didn't say anything since this was a gynecologist visit. I have never seen my blood pressure that high. I've had instances where my blood pressure was abnoramally low due to the impact of stress on my body so this was very strange for me. I also got a blood pressure reading done about a month ago when giving blood and that came back normal. I thought of my recent lifestyle choices. I have been more active which is good. I'm sleeping better and more which is good. My stress is down since I'm not working which is good. And I'm drinking a shit ton of water. Turns out, if you drink too much water ( not like slightly over what you're supposed to drink, I'm talking like twice the amount you're supposed to) that can cause stress on your heart because it is pushing around extra fluid that its capacity. Symptoms worsen if you drink a shit ton of water at once instead of spacing it out (which is what I was doing to meet the gallon a day goal). Which then shows up on a blood pressure reading being higher than your normal. Then I read the symptoms of high blood pressure and I saw that there is usually a shortness of breath along with nausea. I did find myself experiencing this but I thought it was just anxiety or me not recovering well from workouts. Then, I also read some accounts of people trying to do the 75 Hard challenge where they drank a gallon of water a day and how that is really bad for people with high blood pressure. I did some calculations and I found that for someone who is 5'2", 150 lbs, and a woman who is fairly active, I'm only supposed to be drinking 2-2.5 liters. I was drinking close to 4 liters to get to a gallon a day so I'm sure this is culprit. So yeah, going forward. I'm only going to drink about 2 liters of water a day so that my heart doesn't freak out on me. The workouts have been good. Again, I appreciate how this is helping be get some structure in my day since I'm currently not working. I'm also incorporating more chill workouts like going on walks or doing yoga so that this isn't wrecking my body. I find incorporating the walks and yoga as pretty nice because I think that it is raising my baseline of daily physical activity which I think is good for maintaining sustainable habits and fighting off a sedentary lifestyle. I do find the tougher workouts I have been doing like running and weighlifting are improving so that's always exciting to see. I have also been trying new things in relation to workout classes so that has been fun. I still feel like I'm challenging myself and I have days where I don't want to do my two workouts but I make myself do that anyway. So I'm not taking the easy way out by incorporating more low impact workouts. Finally, I have been doing good with reading an hour a day. So far, I have completed 6 books. I'm pretty proud of myself considering I'm not that much of a reader. I also feel my attention span healing lol. I have been doing a mix of self help, educational, and fiction when it comes to the books I've been reading. I will say that I do to a certain extent understand the 10 pages a day thing when it comes to self help books specifically because sometimes, when you're dealing with totally new self help related content, you want time to comprehend it emotionally and for the message to sink in so that you can embody it. But I feel like if it's an old concept you have been exposed to before or it's a concept you already know about and it's just expanding on it, then you just need to slow down your pace of reading instead of capping it at 10 pages. Plus, I think for my goals for healing my attention span, the more longer passage readings I can do while retaining the information, the better. I remember seeing that part of the literacy crisis is that we tend to read shorter passages (think news articles, blog posts, comments on social media, passages on exams) instead of longer form content like full books.

5/28 Day 10 woke up at around 10 ate breakfast went to a coffee shop started on a new book did some journalling came home went on a walk read some more spent time with my boyfriend made dinner got another workout in went to sleep 5/29 Day 11 woke up at around 9:30 ate a snack did a work out took a shower laid in bed for a couple hours because of food poisoning > skipped lunch took notes / journalled about a book I was reading and finished that book drove to the doctor's appointment, went to the appointment, and drove back spent time with my boyfriend and watched some cute cat and dog videos went out to eat watched an episode of a game show played pickleball went to sleep

5/24 Day 6 woke up went on a walk made lunch cleaned the apartment took a shower journalled for a little bit drove back to my parents' house did a work out video read and finished a book 5/25 Day 7 woke up at around 9:30 went on a walk and went to a cafe > had some red bean bread came home and spent time with parents rotted in bed for a while talked to a friend did a work out video read a book watched a bunch of youtube videos on educational content and stayed up til 2am 5/26 Day 8 woke up at around 6:30 journalled a bit took a nap worked out outside ate lunch journalled some more started planning a trip and researching Australia Had dinner did another workout read a book and took notes 5/27 Day 9 slept a lot ate lunch picked up a package that was delivered in the wrong place read a book went to therapy meditated for a little bit read up on the news got started making dinner went to a workout class came back from said class and took a shower finished making dinner watched an episode of Euphoria went on a walk