soos_mite_ah

@Leo Gura I get not wanting to get into false equivalencies to avoid fear mongering and inaccurately portraying positions (i.e. comparing Trump to Hitler), but where do you draw the line when it comes to seeing what people like DeSantis is saying and pushing for authoritarianism/ fascism? Because we're already noticing the similarities in ideologies and some implementation (i.e. overturning Roe v. Wade, banning books etc.). My thing is that we don't have to be on the brink of concentration camps and territorial expansion for something to be fascist or authoritarian. Much of the ideologies and attitudes that fuel fascism and authoritarian regimes aren't some kind of slippery slope, I agree with you on that. You can see signs framework, discrimination, and policies decades before something like the Holocaust happen. We can intervene early on if we know what to look out for but it's not like we can predict how much harm this can cause down the line so it's preferable to err on the side of caution for the future and on the side of empathy in the present by listening to the marginalized who see this behavior and can smell the bs from a mile away.

I'm not feeling too great because I just didn't sleep well last night. But I do feel pretty happy. I spent a lot of last night contemplating where I want to go with my life and brainstorming possible long term plans. It reminds me of the time when I was 17 and just imagining all of the ways my life could turn out regarding college. And now, as I typed out the last sentence, I feel a sense of saddness because I had so many hopes at that age and many of which didn't come true and I remember the disappointment I felt towards the end of my senior year. But nevertheless, it does feel nice to go back to that emotional state of being hopeful for the future. It's been years since I have felt this. I feel like I already have a great life and I can see ways to make it even better. I'm also super thankful for my current job even if it isn't something that I am super fulfilled by because it is giving me the foundation of safety to think about what I want again while giving me some skills in the process. I feel like there has been so many ways my life has gotten better now that I have a job that is relatively stable with a healthy work environment. If this is where I'm at now, I can't wait to see what I'm capable of 10 years from now. Going back to how I felt a similar way about 5 years ago, I feel like during that time I did have a lot of growth and figured out a lot of things about myself and where I wanted to go. And even if the journey since then wasn't what I expected and at times made me feel like I was back tracking, I do think that the contemplation and work I put in then did come in handy for creating a good solid foundation for myself in dealing with various situations as well as coming out on the other side not completely being a wreck. This time however, there is a part of me that is hesitant of having that same amount of optimism. I rember a couple years back when I was 21 and I had to take a break from school, I was looking back at the idealism I had at 17 and feel awful because I thought I would be further along or that I would be fulfilling my potential in a type of way. Back then, I felt that I let my younger self down. I'm scared of having this kind of optimism now and then in 3 years thinking I overestimated my potential and let my younger self down because that was an awful and piercing feeling. But for now, I think it's best to enjoy this season of peace and stability that I have for myself. I don't know what's up ahead and I think I can go pretty far but I'm also really happy with where I'm at right now. I don't see myself being here forever for better or for worse but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt.2 This is a more cleaned up and focused version of the previous post rather than more new content. I decided to do it this way so I can see patterns and draw conclusions. Much of this post is repetition apart from the stuff in blue. Like I mentioned in the previous post, underlined things are things I want to contemplate more about and/or do another journal entry on. Italicized things are things I could do better or more of. Things to think about for yourself: how liberal / conservative you are: I think I want to revisit Leo's videos for this one. Underlining so I can remember. order and regimentation vs spontaneity: I feel like I'm getting a good feel for it with my current working conditions. I feel like I could contemplate more on this and write in my journal so I'm underlining for now. masculine/feminine you are: could be a post of its own. Underlined (likely will be in my female gaze journal) I think I'm pretty clear about all of these except the one on order vs spontaneity. I still don't think it can hurt to write about them more so that I can have a clear answer with myself. Things that make most people happy: Anything aligned with top values: I could check into this more, Need to make a detailed post. Underlining for now. putting talents and strengths to good use : need to align career with my life purpose developing new skills / training yourself in something meaningful: could do better tbh. doing excellent work : I can confirm this. I can incorporate this into my life more tbh. doing innovative and impactful work : could do better tbh big projects (if ambitious): Still figuring this out being in a leadership position (if that's your thing): need to think of this more. helping others and contributing to the improvement of society: I definitely resonate with this but I'm still figuring out what my contribution looks like. making the most out of your day/life: I feel like I'm on the right track but I can do better. All of the things above has to do with figuring out my life purpose and finding more fulfilling work tbh. I'm still in the process of figuring it out. being out in nature: I could do this more tbh. deep solitude and solo retreats: I do find fulfillment in solitude but I haven't done a solo retreat before. It is a goal though. These are things that make me happy but I feel like I can do more of. Most serious forms of happiness: awakening exploring consciousness psychedelics / mystical experiences consciousness of god / getting to know god: I'm just not ready for these just yet. I want my frontal lobe to form before I do anything weird to my brain neurochemically. Conclusion: I resonated with Leo's video a lot and I feel like I'm over all in the right path to create a happy and fulfilled life. I feel like the little break I took from spirituality was absolutely essential in me finding most of the answers to these questions for myself regarding what it took to make me personally happy. I think one of the biggest things I can do for my happiness is be dedicated to finding my life purpose, aligning my career better with my values, and maintain my current levels of fufillment / quality of life given my habits around living a good life on the day to day. I do think that later on experimenting with psychedelics a little can go a long way. I don't see myself as a potential psychonaut or someone who would use a lot of psychedelics regularly for spiritual purposes given my personal relationship with spirituality. But who knows, maybe that will change with more life experiences lol. I don't see my answers to a lot of these questions as stagnant rather I do see them as what makes me happy in this stage of my life. There are some things that I see that could be more solid than others while there are somethings that I can see as being tweaked over time (Leo talked about burning through karma and comparing the sex drive of a 20 year old vs a 60 year old for example). But over all, I feel like I have a good grasp of who I am and what makes me happy in the moment given my stage of life.

Ultimate Guide to Happiness: My Notes Pt.1 Honestly, this is the type of work from Leo that I really feel that he shines in. I really enjoyed this video and took a lot of value from it. (About 24 min to 35 min) Things to think about for yourself Underlined things are things I want to contemplate more about and/or do another journal entry on. Italicized things are things I could do better or more of. determine level of ambition: I think I can be ambitious but not necessarily on career matters. Of course, I care about my career as much as finances are concerned but as of right now in this phase of my life, my ambitions are seen more through the relationships I have, the work I put into myself, and my hobbies/interests. top values: did a whole post on this a while back : degree of socialization necessary / human contact / number of friends : I feel like I'm good with a good handful of friends and having deep conversations with them 2x a month or so depending on what's going on in our lives. I do also like having a significant other and derive a lot of fulfillment from that relationship. I'm not a meditate in the caves kind of person lol. degree of spirituality necessary: I think I have a good handle of spirituality. I'm at a phase where I like learning about spirituality and have it influence my way of thinking and show me where I need to grow. But I don't see it as central to my life and I don't see myself like a yogi of somesort who wants to dedicate her life to sprirituality. degree of novelty/ adventure necessary: I think I need more than what I have now. I'm not sure what the upper limit for that is right now but I do get a good feeling that I'm not the type of person who for example wants to spend their life travelling around because I like having a stability in roots and going deep into a place or experience instead of collecting a number of experiences if that makes sense. how liberal / conservative you are: I think I want to revisit Leo's videos for this one. Underlining so I can remember. order and regimentation vs spontaneity: I feel like I'm getting a good feel for it with my current working conditions. I feel like I could contemplate more on this and write in my journal so I'm underlining for now. sex drive: I have an entire journal dedicated to the subject of me exploring my own sexuality. But as far as sex drive goes, I feel like somewhere between 2x a week and every other week is good. I am open to experimentation to keep things interesting but I don't crave novelty in this area of my life. I also don't think it's super important for me even when I'm in a relationship when it comes to the strength of the relationship. I know that it affects me if I'm not intimate with my partner for a long time and I know it affects him too but it isn't something that affects our relationship all that much since this is one of many other ways we bond. how artistic are you / how much art you need: I don't think I'm super artistic. I used to be at one point in my life and I can see myself delving into that hobby again. But I don't think it's absolutely essential to my happiness. I think since then I have found a different medium that challenges me and that is writing and intellectualizing about video essays I'm interested in. level of risk tolerance: I feel like it's kind of low but this could be skewed due to the pandemic putting me into frugal survival mode. Still figuring this out. masculine/feminine you are: could be a post of its own. Underlined how much solitude you need: I think I can thrive in a good amount of solitude. I do also enjoying my time with people but I think there is a certain threshold that I don't always realize I have passed until I'm by myself again. At the same time, I don't think I can thrive while being completely isolated. I think minimum I need 1-3 people in my life I can talk to on every-other month basis. Maximum, probably doing something social 3-4 times a week. how much time in nature: I don't think that this is super essential to my happiness but it is something that is nice to have access to and enjoy every now and then. I think that exercise is more important. But I need my sunlight lol. how much success, work, and career you need how much impact do you want in the world how much of a leadership role you need how much autonomy do you need : I feel like thse four points I have put in italics are things that I'm still figuring out. how much learning / intellectualism: I think I need to have room to explore my interests. I'm not a huge reader but I do like listening to podcasts and watching video essays and documentaries. If you're young, expose yourself to more experience. If you're older, contemplate on your current experiences and figure it out. (About 50 min to -1 hour) Things that make you miserable that resonated with me I didn't see the point of listing everything out like I did above because I feel like I'm generally on track to build a happy life but there were a handful of things that resonated with me that I jotted down. doing work you find meaningless +unethical work not aligning yourself with your top values wasting your time and life Getting too comfortable + not taking action + stagnation +not working hard I feel like a lot of these points have more to do with me still figuring out my life purpose and not falling into the trap of settling where my life is right now. I do have a good stable life but I could do more when it comes to creating not only a happy life but a fulfilling one. This is a whole post that I have planned but I did write this a few days ago: (About 1 hour 21 min to 1 hour 40 min) Anything aligned with top values: I could check into this more, Need to make a detailed post. Underlining for now. putting talents and strengths to good use : need to align career with my life purpose being useful and productive: I see this in my life and I try to lean into it not necessarily when it comes to work but with other things in my life (taking care of the home, cooking, going to the gym, volunteering, spending time with friends and family, journaling etc.) developing new skills / training yourself in something meaningful: could do better tbh. Anything that makes your mind stronger: I have an outlet in the form of my interests and hobbies. self education, learning, reading, contemplating : Currently doing this at my relatively chill job. physical exercise: I have a good workout routine that I do for the joy of it. creativity / making art: I'm not sure to what extent this applies to me as per my answer in the previous section. doing excellent work : I can confirm this. I can incorporate this into my life more tbh. doing innovative and impactful work : could do better tbh big projects (if ambitious): Still figuring this out being your own boss (if you're entrepreneural and independent minded): I don't see myself as particularly entrepreneural because of how risk averse I can be. But then again it could be me clinging on to my stability. It's something to contemplate more and I think it is something that can change depending on my stage of life. being in a leadership position (if that's your thing): need to think of this more. helping others and contributing to the improvement of society: I definitely resonate with this but I'm still figuring out what my contribution looks like. enough time to rest / relax: I agree to this as a burnt out college student who just graduated. But I do think there is a threshold where it becomes too much and I find myself feeling like a blob to where I crave having something more productive to do. human intimacy, companionship, and friendship: This is really important to me and brings me a lot of fulfillment. Quality over quantity of friends and time spent socializing though. deep conversations: see above. building your family (if you want it): Made a whole post on this a couple posts ago. charity, giving gifts, being nice to people: I'm not a huge gift giving person but I do like spending time with people and hearing about their experiences. setting boundaries with people: I feel that I have a good handle of this top 2 love languages: physical touch and quality time lol flow states: Refer to the post I linked above when talking about my values. meeting challenges: I think it's good for me to have a good mix of short and long term goals. I feel like it gives me some structure and clarity in my life. I can think of a number of challenges I have undertaken that has left me feeling fulfilled from finishing my degree and taking challenging classes, sticking to an exercise routine, working through generational trauma, and writing frequently to name a few. making the most out of your day/life: I feel like I'm on the right track but I can do better. developing confidence through work and experience: I feel like I do this mainly through my relationships, therapy, and my job to an extent. It is satisfying but I think I feel more fulfilled when it manifests in my personal life more than my professional life. exploring life, having new experiences, travel: This is something I'm trying to figure out in regards to how often I feel like it's good for me to travel. cultivating a hobby: I do this already. being out in nature: I could do this more tbh. good food: I do this already both when it comes to cooking for myself, eating out, or enjoying a meal with friends. being healthy, taking care of yourself and treating yourself with respect : I have my little self care routine lol. deep solitude and solo retreats: I do find fulfillment in solitude but I haven't done a solo retreat before. It is a goal though. passion, enthusiasm, inspiration: I feel like I can do better. I have written a couple posts on this in my Coping Under Capitalism series. humor: I can be pretty silly and whimsical in my regular life lol. building your house/ space (decorating, customizing, cleaning) : I am actually looking into this more as I am hoping to move into my own place. And since I work from home 90% of the time, cultivating my surroundings is important to me. I have been on pinterest a lot lately lol. doing philosophy: I'm not super philosophically inclined. I do like thinking critically and empathizing but philosophy just isn't my thing. Sorry Leo lol. developing yourself up the spiral: I have so many posts dedicated to this lol. self actualization / growing yourself : That is already a given. I'm already doing the work wisdom, truth / being aligned with truth / avoiding self deception / integration : this is an ongoing process but it is very important to me. spirtuality / spiritual connection: I already explained my views on spirituality in my life in the previous section. Most serious forms of happiness: awakening exploring consciousness psychedelics / mystical experiences consciousness of god / getting to know god: I'm just not ready for these just yet meditation (if developed sufficiently) : Part of my regular routine for a few years now. loving yourself and falling in love with yourself : Part of my ongoing road of self improvement. being good: I do find fulfillment in growing myself to be a better person and by educating myself on various issues, forms of ethics, and principles while hearing people out on their own experiences. That's a good part of my definition of being good in a nutshell. I do have a very high need to do the right thing and acting with integrity is very important to me. being selfless : Similar to the previous answer. On top of that. I do see myself reaching a point where I have reached so much fulfillment in a well integrated life to where I want to give a lot of my life up to maybe raise a kid. This is something I do think about sometimes.

As far as right wing authoritarianism goes, I know that some of yall are saying that's a strawman to assume that death camps will come from this. Idk it this will be the end game but it is a possibility. Let's not assume that just because it happened in Germany in the 1930s and 40s that something similar can't happen here. Germany back then was still a first world country and did have an educated population. We're not above this as Americans in the 21st century. And while I do agree that fear mongering isn't the answer here, it is important to stay vigilant as these things aren't overnight phenomenon. They gradually progress through policy, rhetoric, and social attitudes. The only way to prevent tragedies like the Holocaust from happening is to take a preventative approach. And rising authortarianism, burning books, and rewriting history are all alarming red flags. There is a pattern that is being repeated. And sure, we don't have exactly the same material conditions as Germany after WWI but while history doesn't exactly repeat itself, it sure does rhyme.

Lets just see what happens before writing a person off. What you're saying does make sense, don't get me wrong. But lets just say weirder things have happened before. Just because you're higher consciousness doesn't mean you can't communicate with people who are lower, You will need to alter the vernacular you use to convey certain ideas so it can resonate. And I think she is doing a good job with that. She isn't leading with her spirituality though you can see its influences in her style of talking. She isn't patronizing or condescending in the way that Liberals and Democrats have a tendency to be with rural and religious voters. And this isn't the first time spirituality interesected with politics in America (think MLK). And while it is new age spirituality instead of Christianity, I think you can still draw similar themes in regard to doing what is right and giving people a good stanadard of living. She is leading with her policies and is emphasizing the need to improve the standard of living, something that many Americans across different spiral stages can resonate with. I think she has the ability to reach out to voters who are not stage green persay but one thing that is stopping her is how people don't really know her like that compared to common characters like Biden and Warren.

Where do I want to live: I remember growing up wanting to live outside of Texas. A lot of it had to do with watching my dad's immigrant experience, how it felt easy in the sense that the US fit him better than Bangladesh did even though he always had a nostalgia and fondness to Bangladesh. I thought that my home town being the only place I thought was home was rather arbitrary. I could have easily been born elsewhere. Patriotism and hometown pride didn't make much sense to me. So I always wanted to have an open mind to the possibilities of other places fitting me better. Then I got to my teens and became more aware of my politics and I was able to contextualize my experiences as a South Asian woman, a Hindu culturally, an agnostic spiritually, and an asexual person. Yeah.... that is quite a combination for someone living in a red state. Not only that, you can add the 2016 election and the presidency of Donald Trump to the mix which made my coming of age story rather angsty for a justified reason. I wanted to escape to a blue state so baddly. I felt that places like New York City, LA, Chicago, San Francisco would fit me so much better. It was also a feeling of safety combined with a sense of belonging due to me correlating my values to my politics that I associated with mainly blue areas. And to my huge dismay at the time, I didn't end up going to college in any of those blue states. Rather I ended up going to a very conservative school in Texas. I remember feeling extremely out of place there and struggling to make friends. The pandemic later on certainly didn't help. But eventually, I feel that my college experience ended on a good note with me finding friends and groups of people I resonated with. Since then, I have been more critical of the choice of moving. I have finally found my community here and I have some solid relationships that I hope to maintain. I have found a good deal of stability in my current job. I yearned for this kind of stability through the pandemic. I feel that after the disappointment of my college admissions and how my first year or so played out academically and socially, I think I gained this sort of learned helplessness that made me feel that no matter how hard I tried I would be stuck here in Texas. The pandemic also made me significantly more risk adverse and "realistic." I put this in quotes because while I am more critical of factors involved with moving out of Texas, or Dallas in a matter of fact, I think it can be limitting at times to where it crosses the line from realistic to cynical. As I've been healing my inner child, I eventually found myself in the territory of healing my inner teenager which referrs to the part of me that wants to go on an adventure, start over, and find a place that I belong. I found myself last night envisioning my future from a sense of excitement thinking of all of the possibilities instead of getting into an anxiety spiral for the first time in years. I feel that it was different though this time. I find myself not having the same thirst for belonging and the impulse of being hasty in this matter because I have a solid friend group and significant other here. I have found places in Dallas that makes that inner teenager feel at home from random little coffee shops to various restaurants and parks downtown to the place I work and the place I volunteer at. I still see the merit of starting over and going to a new city because I think that it can grow me immensely. But in my mind, a city is a city in the end of the day and there are somethings that a lot of cities have in common due to the nature of city life. Nevertheless, here are somethings that I'm taking into consideration: Walkable City: Walkability is something that's really important for me because I feel like it makes things more accessible and its good for the physical and social well being of people. You get more exercise in and you interact with the community and surroundings more than if you were isolated in your own pod in a car. It's one of the things that I enjoyed the most about my college experience and when I travelled abroad. Also, I'm not into driving like that and ideally I would have driving as something that I can do for convenience but not necessarily something I would rely on. I also realized once I got to college that I didn't necessarily want to live in NYC rather I just wanted diversity and walkability. Speaking of which: Diverse area (culturally and socioeconomically): I feel that I gained a lot from living in a relatively diverse suburb which I took for granted (since this was the only life I had known) until I went to a very wealthy and white area for college. I think that there is a lot of ways that I educate myself by engaging with a wide variety of people. If I were to have kids, this is something that I would prioritize. Can be in US or NZ (NZ if I want kids): I think I'm content with moving elsewhere within the US given my current job and how stable it is. It's good for supporting myself. NZ on the other hand would be a step further since the stability is guranteed in the country rathe than contingent on my current job . By that I mean they have universal health care and affordable college. I have been fortunate enough to not deal with college debt and have a job that has excellent health insurance but it is something that would become all the more important once I have a kid. My main appeal with NZ is how it's not very capitalistic and that relative to the US they just have their shit together but I'm currently working in place that is relatively chill compared to the rest of corporate America and I have a pretty stable life for myself. Relatively affordable (need to get a better job): I don't know if I need to reevaluate my relationship with money or get a job that pays better but the thought of paying $2500 in rent in a place like NYC just gives me anxiety even if I was in a position to afford something like that. I do feel that most cities are generally higher in cost of living but I feel like this is one of those things that Dallas does right. A place where my career / life purpose can thrive: I think that this is more important than me finding a place where I can "find my own people" mainly because if I'm in a city of millions of people, I'm pretty sure I can resonate with atleast a handful of people. I feel confident in my ability to make friends and find common ground with people because I've been dropped in situations where finding like minded people have been an uphill battle for me due to an area's culture. But I think what can differ more from place to place is what kinds of industries thrive and pay well. I feel like I would have a better idea as to what this looks like as I figure out my career and life purpose more in the same way I feel that I have figured out my social life better. Some natural beauty and things to do physical activity wise: I am finding out more and more how much physical activity means to me and how much I enjoy it. From having a 3 hour bike tour in Amsterdam, to frequently going on hikes at my near by nature reserve, and relaxing by the lake, while I enjoy being in a city, I do also like having the space to do other noncity related activities. The things I listed above are much more preferred over large social gatherings and a thriving nightlife, shopping opportunities, and eating at fancy restaurants. (so maybe SanFran > NYC if we're just going off of stereotypes lol)

Thoughts on Having a Kid This is something that I have caught myself thinking about a lot lately. I feel rather ambiguous about the thought of having a kid. I know that I don't want kids because I feel like having more than one is a lot to handle financially and emotionally, and also as an only child who doesn't know how sibling dynamics work, the thought of navigating that with multiple children seems wild to me. Also, if I do decide to give birth, I'm not doing that shit more than once. It seems traumatic. I also feel that you are no more of a mother whether you have 1 kid or +5, in the end of the day. So my question is, is motherhood for me? I have journaled about this in the past. I do still stand by much of what I wrote here (points 2-5, 7, and 8) but as for point 1 and 6, I feel like I want to challenge that a little bit. I feel like I have grown significantly since the last time I have written this and my life circumstances are very different. I am in a healthy and loving relationship which has made me think that maybe I have what it takes to raise well adjusted adults since often times, the qualities that make a good partner also makes a good parent. I'm also in a job that is stable and has descent benefits so I think in a few years time I would be financially equiped to have a kid in a dual income scenario. I'm sure in a few years I will be able to have a career that aligns with my life purpose. And as a result, I think that can fulfill much of what I have written about the moving parts of being a good mother (point 6) since I have the other aspects down. I'm still hung up on how much I would enjoy motherhood. I wouldn't say that I'm wanting a kid out of this expectation that it's going to be enjoyable and just sunshine and rainbows as most women are led to believe, rather it is this drive towards fulfillment. I do want to work on something in my personal life long term that will bring a lot of fufillment and the process of socializing a kid, guiding a kid, and raising them to be a good person is something that resonates with me since I feel that my life purpose has to do with understanding and improving the human condition. But at the same time, I wonder if having a kid is the best way of going about actualizing this purpose. Part of me wants a kid because I want to give them the parent and the conditions that my parents weren't able to give me. I wrote about this in the post I linked above: And I wonder if this is my own form of maternal energy or if this is a toxic reason for having a kid. But then again, what are some good reasons for having kids? I don't think I have a good answer for that. I'm also wary about my own social and biological conditioning playing into this. For the vast majority of history, motherhood was something that was expected and something that just happened to you. And now that we have a choice, I want to make the most of it by making a well informed and well contemplated choice even if it is to have a kid. But I still wonder how biased I can be when it comes to the topic of having kids. I have noticed lately that I have the tendency to make plans well off into the future and have the notion of being a mom be a given. And I don't know how much of that is me low key wanting to be a parent or if it is just the social conditioning. I was also talking to my boyfriend about a few things on how we see our futures turning out. He did mention that he is completely against having a kid. I will be honest, while I'm not totally on the having kids train, that answer did give me a little bit of the ick and I do catch myself thinking about how long term this relationship could be because the last thing I want to do is waste someone's time. But now, I feel like I'm in a position where I'm pretty sure that I have what it takes to be a good mom. But the question is, is this something I genuinely want to do in the first place? Like just because you have what it takes to be a lawyer, doesn't mean that you want to be a lawyer or that you would derive joy, fulfillment, or any other kind of satisfaction from it. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should or that you want to. So I'll be making a short bullet pointed list with little elaboration so that I don't spin my head into confusion from overthinking. Yes: I feel like I could be a good mother. I want to be that guiding and caring role for another human being and watch him/her grow as a person. Raising a kid seems like a long term goal in my personal life that would be fulfilling to me because it is a way I can understand and improve the human condition. No: Material conditions: the world is a mess and money can be an issue I think my desire to have a kid might not be coming from a 100% healthy place (wanting to have kids to be the parent that I didn't have) I'm scared that motherhood would drain me and that I would hate motherhood even if I love my kid. I'm also scared of being pregnant and giving birth. While this is something that has been on my mind, it isn't something that I feel rushed to figure out. If I decide to have a kid, that's not a decision I'm making until I'm in my 30s. I have like 7-10 years left to figure this area of my life out.

I think that Marianne Williamson and Dr. K from Healthy gamer are really good people to look at when trying to figure out how to engage with people from a stage yellow lens. I find that while I am able to understand and empathize with people from different stages rather than getting immediately triggered as a stereotypical stage green person, I'm not the best at guiding conversation in a productive, stage yellow way. And part of it has to do with not encountering many examples of what that looks like. I think that talking to the other stages is a skill of its own and not all stage yellow person has this. I think you see this more in places like a group of liscenced therapist where even though they might not be trained or even aware of SD, they are still trainined to deescalate and talk to peopel from a wide range of development stages. I do recognize that to engage with some populations, like the really reactive right, there is a need to be trained to handle certain dynamics and types of situtions. And personally, as a standard layperson, it can be difficult to apply those skills to your life when you don't have that kind of access to that kind of training. As a result, I have been taking the road of disengaging in situations I know I will likely make worse. But I think examples like Williamson can be an indicator of things that I can apply and implement so that I won't have to disengage as often.

I have watched both of these videos. I really liked the video that Emerald linked here and I want to share a video by Vaush that was released prior to Williamson announcing her run. I think that the video from Vaush was for me personally when I started paying attention to Williamson and her overall political takes. I found them to be quite insightful and I find myself resonating with most of what she has said. Electibility aside, I think she is an amazing candidate and she comes across charismatic in the way that she is so well integrated. I believe that she can reach out to a lot of religious and rural voters because of her authetenticity. A lot of Democrats/Liberals/Leftists can come off as quite condescending and elitist because they write of religious and rural voters, and honestly a lot of people in red states, as these backwards, uneducated hicks who deserve to die in a snowstorm. I think part of Williamson's tact and charisma is that she is able to communicate this progressive message without sounding like a fucking know it all about it. And as a lefist from Texas who doesn't have the luxury to isolate myself with other leftists and rather have had practice in communicating and engaging with people who are much further right than I am, the way that she engages with those topics and also call out the hypocrysy in leftist and liberal circles all while having a back bone to her critics is a breath of fresh air at the least. I think it's admirable the way that she carries herself in these divisive times and personally, I think that I can learn a lot from someone like her. As of right now, she is the only Democrat who is confirmed to be running in 2024. Biden hasn't said anything yet. So depending on how this all unfolds, that can change on the likelihood of her winning from what it is now. I think it would be unfair to flat out say that she doesn't have a chance and not look into what she stands for. I understand that due to the last couple elections, Clinton v, Trump and Trump v. Biden that it's easy to be cynical and focus on who is more electible rather than who is a great leader. And that is valid considering the situation that we've been. My opinion is that during the primaries that you can vote for whomever you think is the best leader and then depending on the outcome, say if your desired canditate doesn't get into the final round, then vote based on electibility rather than voting third party just because you want that to come true.

I feel like I have a pretty good life and that I'm in a very solid place right now. I also know a few ways here and there than can take my satisfaction and fulfillment to the next level. Align my career with my life purpose Move to a place outside of the US in a walkable area Prioritize travel and excitement in life Find friends who align with my interests + build upon my current relationships One day get married to my ideal partner Might or might not have a kid

Coping Under Capitalism Part 2 : A Grain of Salt I was writing the previous post last night and it was getting late. I thought that I still had a lot that I wanted to say so I thought I'd cut it short and start writing again the next day. So here we are lol. I also looked back at some of my older posts regarding life purpose that I thought would be relavent in what I wanted to include here. While I do want to avoid being repetitive as I have written and elaborated on the subject quite a bit in the past, I thought I could jot down a few key points: Detachment from outcome can help you build the resilience and grit you need to deal with the monotony of mastery because you're doing something for the sake of it, not because it is solely a source of excitement. Think of dating someone only because you're attracted to and because you feel passion in the moment vs dating someone for a variety of reasons and having the relationship grow at a reasonable pace in a more solid foundation, even if it looks less exciting on the surface. Detachement from outcomeis important so that you can avoid taking things to seriously. This can help you remove the pressure of a ~~**grand life purpose**~~ and help you have a more balanced relationship to your career and life purpose. It can also make you have a more intrinsic relationship with your purpose so that you aren't too caught up with feeling like you're obligated to do anything. This can help you be more true to yourself and detach from the monetization piece. Your job and career is a piece of your life purpose but it isn't all of it. It isn't the wisest choice to put all of your eggs in one basket. You can find meaning and purpose in many areas of your life and reducing life purpose to just your career can be really limiting to the human experience. It can also put a lot of pressure in one area of your life to where you can miss the good things in other areas such as quality relationships, hobbies, etc. You're probably going to be forgotten in a couple of generations and you have a small moment to create a life for yourself of meaning. Do something that gives you long term satisfaction for your own sake that you can gain mastery in and that is meaningful to you. And that means that you don't have to monetize everything. Purpose and dream jobs can often go hand in hand in our society because of capitalism and becasue of how much of our lives we end up working anyways. But it can be incredibly healthy to have boundaries between your identity and what you find meaningful and your job/career. Sometimes a job is just a job and that is ok. I do remember to a certain extent being more angst filled and cynical about capitalism while writing about the posts above. But a lot of that also has to do with other things that was going on in my life at the time. While I don't feel as angsty now, I do still resonate with much of what I've wrote. I think that while I am trying to figure out what is meaningful for me careerwise that I can nurture the other areas of my life that also gives me a sense of purpose. And if my priorities shift around in the future, that is ok too. I also think that a lot of the angst that I was feeling was due to how a lot of this was more so in my head drawing conclusions based on different things I've heard in addition to some of the experiences I had as a student rather than someone in the workforce. I feel that now that I am in the work force, a lot of what I'm learning about myself is pretty on point compared to things I wrote a couple years ago. I would say that it's a more of a rediscovery rather than learning about myself. But becase I have more life experience and a better safety net now, I do feel more grounded in the conclusions I have made before since now I have more tangible evidence backing that up. And I'm still taking finding my life purpose in my career with a grain of salt. I want my life purpose to be evident in all areas of my life and while my career is a sizable piece of it, it isn't everything. I don't expect finding my life purpose in my career to be this big thing that changes everything but I do see it being something worthy to put my attention to in order to create a happy, fulfilling life for myself. That's also to say that I'm not willing to neglect other parts of my life for my career, life purpose or not.

Coping Under Capitalism Part 1 : A Desire for Meaning I'm currently 2 months into my first corporate job after college. I have excellent work life balance, a stable income that I'm for the most part saving because I live with my parents, a solid group of friends, an exercise and self care routine, along with hobbies and interests outside of work that let me engage with my community and continue educating myself. I have it pretty damn good. The only thing that could make this better at this moment is if I were to be living on my own away from my parents which is honestly 4 ish months away. I do feel pretty happy. This sort of life style and position is something I have been dreaming since I was 17 years old being stressed out by school and my home life to the point where I felt as if I couldn't take care of myself. This felt like a dream rather than a reality as soon as 4 months ago. I feel more relaxed than I have ever been. I feel more clear headed. I am physically and mentally taking care of myself. I feel like I'm like 85% out of this flight or fight mentality I have been stuck in since I was 10 years old due to the pressures of school and growing up. The stability that this job gives me feels like such a priceless thing for me because of the way that it's giving me peace of mind and helping me achieve my personal and financial goals. At the moment, I'm giving in to the slow and relaxed pace of my work. It's mainly slow and relaxed because I'm fairly new and learning so it's not like I'm having responsibilities piled on to me as of right now. And as a somewhat burnt out college student, I'm leaning into it. I think it's really healing to take it slow a little bit while you're in a stable and secure position, so that you can make slow and gentle progress. I feel like I'm really unwiring a lot of hustle culture rhetoric on how you have to work yourself to the bone and grind to get somewhere. I am learning how to be more relaxed with myself and standards I tend to hold myself to that has been a result of me being in this competitive environment since I was way to young ot understand the systems at hand, causing me to internalize a lot of things. But regardless of all the healthy habits I have, from working out, having a good skincare routine, going to therapy, talking to friends, being around my significant other, getting enough sleep, eating well, making decent money, journaling, meditating, volunteering to engage with my community, and picking a job that prioritizes people's personal lives over work and thus creating a healthy work place, there is a part of me that still feels like this is a massive cope against capitalism. And I feel like I'm coping in healthy ways, and in some ways, thriving. But there is still that sense of emptiness that manifests because I'm not in a field of work that I find fulfilling or interesting. I can recognize this while acknowledging that I have it pretty damn good and that I'm thankful and lucky to be in the position that I'm in. I keep thinking of the phrase, the enemy of great is good. I can see this in my life but I also feel that the foundation of great is also good. I think it's alright to stay in the good so long as you don't lose sight of the great, and use the stability of good to envision the great since all of your basic needs are already covered rather than using the stability of good as a point of stagnation, however tempting that might be. Career wise, I feel like this stable and good life is helping unwire some limitting beliefs I had around success and the scarcity mindset I was in as a college student tackling a competitive job market. It's also giving me the tools I need to suceed later on by exposing me to different experiences and paths I could take. It's letting me ease into adult life at a pace that feels reasonable for me that is being conducive to my growth. And as a result, it is causing me to desire having a more passionate career, be challenged, find that niche I could specialize in and master, and find something more meaningful. Part of it is because I am in a stable enough position to think of these higher ideals instead of worrying about where my next meal is coming from. And another part of it is coming from me being bored and annoyed in my job despite some of the comforts I have. Liistening to podcasts and YouTube videos during the slow days where no one is watching you for a seemingly ridiculous amount of time eventually gets old, boring, and kind of existetential crisis inducing. Like, I'm really out here wasting my life staring at a screen while consuming media, and trying my hardest to not have a sedentary lifestyle. But I wouldn't say that it's sending me into an angst filled spiral of meaninglessness due to the fact that I have quality relationships, interests that light me up, personal goals I'm trying to reach, and volunteering to contribute to things I care about. I can get through the day and be relatively happy, but in the silent moments in my day, I catch myself thinking *is this all that there is? Is this my life now?* in a slightly disappointed, jaded, and confused tone. *C'mon, you're better than this. You can create a life for yourself that is so much greater. * And I while there is still that jaded undertone, I wouldn't say that this comes in a weird, self agrandizing tone rather its more of an acknowledgement of *Hey maybe, I can do something more. I have the drive, passion, the skills, and most importantly the means since I am in a rather priviledged and stable spot at 23. Like that is so fucking young. I could do so much with my time going forward. Maybe I am good enough and I need to stop underestimating myself and overestimating the ease in which I could get the things I have dreamed about.* I just don't know where to put my efforts just yet. And honestly, that is just fine. I'm not super anxious about it because I'm not emotionally spiralling, but I am just annoyed enough with my predicament to keep my eyes and ears open to pounce on an opportunity that fits me better to get me out of my current job. I'm 23 years old. I'm like a 3 year old, a toddler, in adult years. Like anything before 20 is basically being a kid, learning basic things, and having the tools to tackle adulthood lol. They don't count lol. And honestly, if you want to be generous, you can subtract 2 years because of the pandemic, thus making me a 1 year old adult. Either way, I'm baby and I am not in any rush to figure my life out. I'm just enjoying it and taking the lessons as they come at my own pace.

my body dysmorphia feels called out

I mean it sounds like you did find your life purpose. A life purpose doesn't always have to be this grand thing that is larger than life. Sometimes its finding something you enjoy, finding a sustainable job regarding that, and having time and energy to spend on other things you find fulfilling like quality relationships, hobbies, travels etc. It doesn't have to look like starting your own business for you personally. Some might feel stifled by the life you explained in your original post while other people might envy it and think it's perfect for them. It all relative. There isn't a wrong way of going about a life purpose so long as its coming from a healthy place and isn't harmful to you or others.

I mean obviously I can't speak for everyone. I was talking about why South Asian Americans (the ones who were raised here since childhood) care more about cultural appropriation than South Asian people from South Asia. As far as voting Republican goes, there is a number of other factors involved from the issues of racism, colorism, and Islamophobia that is present in our commnities, in addition to class dynamics, as well as political socialization from being in a red state. As a result, while some may feel that they are ostracized by other white Americans, they might still vote Republican due to other biases they may have. I know a lot of South Asian Hindus specifically who have voted for Trump, not because they hated themselves as South Asian people, but because they hated Muslim people for example. A lot of South Asian Americans do also deal with a degree of self-hatred when they do grow up in mainly predominantly white areas. A lot of the people in that camp do out grow that and learn to embrace their culture but there are people who also don't do that as well. There is a pressure to assimillate and keep quiet about these types of things and different people have different ways of dealing with that pressure in both healthy and unhealthy ways.

Because growing up when I was going to school, I got bullied for having thick eyebrows, putting oil in my hair, bringing indian food to school because "it smelt funny", and being told that my cultural clothes are tacky but my relatives and my parents who grew up in India/Bangladesh never got the same treatment. They weren't exposed to white supremacy and the bullying that comes with it in the same way that South Asian Americans did so they don't see the hypocrisy. A lot of these people don't know what it's like to be ostracized at the place of your birth and be seen as other your whole lives. Don't get me wrong, they deal with these issues in a much more systemic and geopolitical way which is easily arguably worse, so I'm not trying to put down their experiences with inequality. But they simply don't have the same experience of being critiqued, ostracized, and discriminated against for one thing and then 10-20 years down the line once you've had to deal with your own self hatred and finally learned to embrace your roots, you have those same people that treated you badly use the things they bullied you for as props that made them cool. But it was never seen as cool or desirable on you even though you were the original.

How are Things Going with my New Job I have been working at my office job for about a month and a half now. I feel like I'm better equipped for talking about it now that I have more experience with the work itself since I'm out of the training phase. Everything that I said regarding the previous post detailing the conditions of my job still stands. I'm looking to add on to that post here since I know more about what I have gotten myself into. So far, I hate this. I'm taking this with a grain of salt since it's only been a couple days since I have been on my own but I get the feeling that technical work might not be for me. I don't like working with the software I'm using. I find it annoying and learning more about it feels like someone is reading the instruction manual for me rather than me being interested in the content. This might also be the case because I'm still new to the software and I'm still learning about it. I have been told since I started interviewiing for this role that it takes some getting used to and that the first 7 months is pretty challenging. I also tend to beat myself up for little mistakes on the job. My team is pretty chill abou it. They don't mind me asking a million questions and if anything expect it even if I feel like I'm annoying them. My manager seems chill but I do have difficulty from accepting corporate kindness or good treatment at the hands of authority. Some of it has to do with my personal experience with authority and a lot of it has to do with the constant horror stories of corporate America I have listened to for the past 4 ish years. The questions that are arising from this include the following: What kind of industry do I want to work for? What is my inner child/teenager trying to say about my life right now? What kind of jobs are out there internally and externally to the company? What kind of industry do I want to work for? Like I said before, I don't think that technical work is for me. I do know that with my role, I can have the opportunity to work in various departments in the company, even nontechnical roles. But I do think that even if I do something less technical, the technical aspect will still follow as I am working for a software company. So that brings me to think about the potential of switchin industries and what industry I might want to go to. What is my inner child/teenager trying to say about my life right now? I mainly mean inner teenager here. I remember seeing a post a while back on how first you do the inner child healing and then once you're done, you gotta do the inner teenager healing. And while the inner child wants to cry, cuddle, and have someone be gentle with them, the inner teenager is usually angry and ready to fight someone lol. Jokes aside, I do get the feeling that if 16 year old me saw me today, she would be disappointed. I feel that she expected a job that is more exciting, more creative, more fulfilling, and involves more travel and adventure. I love the video above. I think it's important to take that with a grain of salt. Sure life might not turn out the way you wanted it to, but you can still be happy and fulfilled. I know that I probably wouldn't be happy if I monetized an artistic passion (like if I picked up selling art on comission or became a graphic designer for instance) because I think it would take away the freedom, passion, and fun that I associate with the activity. I know that travelling for your job, like if you were a consultant for example, is not all that its cracked out to be because often times, you get tired from work on that trip and there is only so much you can explore due to time constaints since you are travelling on the company's terms. And travelling full time as a part of my day to day lifestyle might just be an over kill for me and I likely thought of that because I grew up in a boring town as a teenager and was really craving something new. Nevertheless, I think incorporating elements such as more creativity, more excitement, and more adventure in my life is a valid desire. I think that as far as more excitement and adventure goes, it has more to do with me engaging in hobbies and activities that make me happy and moving somewhere new outside of the Dallas area. I think in wanting more creativity, that signals to maybe wanting to change the industry I am in and/or find something that utlizes my talents and values more to where I feel motivated at my job. What kind of jobs are out there internally and externally to the company? I'm still getting to know the company as well as the opportunities that are available to me. From what I know, my current job is a very flexible entry point into the company. If I stay at this role and get a couple of promotions over the next couple years or so, I can go into many other departments including but not limitted to sales, marketing, consulting, project management, corporate training, learning and development, etc. Even if I don't like my current job, I think it would be foolish to walk away from this opportunity and leave without buliding the evidence from some foundational skills first since a lot of what I do in this job can transfer over to other jobs in and out of the company. As far as externally goes, like I said, my skills and experiences can transfer. There is also another post that really resonated with me a few weeks ago. It talked about when you were a kid, you are told you can be anything but you aren't told all of the things you can be. As a child, you have limitted life experiences and there is only so much that you know about the adult world. You want to be a veternarian because you care about your dog. You want to be an actor, muscician, or politician because you see them on TV and the product seems interesting based on your tastes an interests. You want to be a teacher because you are familiar with that role. Maybe you wanted to be a lawyer or activist because there is a cause you really cared about or you found out that you're good at arguing your way out of things. You don't know what tf goes on in an office and all of the types of roles that go into it and how different they can be depending on role, industry, company, and company culture. And that is to be expected because you've been a student all your life. I didn't know wtf a project manager was when I was 17 nor did I know if that is something I wanted to do. And I think that's part of the reason why I really wanted postpone getting a master's degree because #1, I didn't know what I wanted to do and I didn't want to waste time and money on a degree I'm not sure about, and because #2, being in the academic bubble isn't going to expose me to all that is out there careerwise. It also isn't going to expose me to the various factors that come with a variety of careers such as what the lifestyle of that career can look like or the realities of that job. In Conclusion: I don't like my job as of right now. Things could change as I progess in the role and get more familiar with the software or I would have to look at a different career or industry. I think it's good that I'm at a point of stability, both financially in terms of money and benefits and mentally in the way the company and job are relativel chill, to where I can think more clearly about what I want as opposed to being preoccupied with having my basic needs not being met. While I am greatful for this opportunity, at the same time I'm not super excited about what I do and that is ok. Two things can be true at once. Sure I'm not excited about this job, but the whole point is for me to try something new, see what I like and don't like about it, and figure out my career going forward.

bump

I've been thinking about this for a minute and I guess I can start off with some factors that are in the top of my head. I would love if people would add to the list. 1. Do you guys have similar sex drives? If not how does the person with the higher drive react? Does it affect them individually, or does it bleed into the rest of the relationship? 2. How important is sex to a fulfilling relationship? What role does sex play for you in a relationship? 3. Do either of you have certain kinks that need to be fulfilled or that you would like to try? How does the other partner feel about that? How open are they to trying new things and how does that make you feel? 4. Being able to communicate your wants and needs without being squemish around the topic of sex. At the same time, being able to communicate consent and feel safe enough to express what you are and are not comfortable with. 5. What dynamics do yall default to and how does that factor in with how enjoyable the sex was (i.e. are both of yall similar but clash with one another like if both of you guys are more dominant or do all compliment each other like one is dominant and the other is subissive for example). 6. To what extent are either of you comitted to your partner's pleasure? 7. To what extent are you guys are enthusistic about future encounters (ie. is sex like a chore for yall or is it something yall look forward to)? 8. What are the things yall are willing to accommodate for each other and what are the things that yall know is crucial to your sex life?

Questions I want to answer for myself in the next few years + things I want to learn about myself Figure out how to make friends as an adult I have a good idea as to how to maintain and develop healthy friendships but as far as meeting people and going through the whole I guess platonic dating process, that's something that I haven't done outside of an school environment. I feel like out of all of these, I can probably tackle this first. Figure out whether I want a kid or not I'm at a place where I either want 1 or none, not sure yet. I also don't know the means of which I would be having kids (i.e. adoption, birth etc.) but I know that if I have kids, I would want them in my 30s. Whether I decide to have a kid or not can determine how strong my urge to leave the U.S. is. It can also affect my dating life when it comes to aiming for marriage. Figure out what kind of career I want and what that trajectory looks like + navigating career transitions, corporate life etc. I feel like I have a good job but I'm still figuring out what kind of work I would be suited for and what will fulfill me. This can also impact where I want to live. Figure out where I want to live and the best ways of going about doing that. I know that I want to live in a walkable city and there is a part of me that really want to immigrate to New Zealand. But I need to have the money to do that and I want to have a clearer plan of how I want to execute this. Out of all of these, I feel like figuring this one out will take more money and planning based on answers to the previous two questions.

Summary of the video's tips Work 1) Don't overwork yourself 2) Sell yourself in interviews (like, really sell. lie if you have to) 3) Getting promoted isn't treason, be an ally as a manager 4) Don't be intimidated by your jobs 5) Everyone's winging it 6) Show understanding and you'll receive it 7) Loyalty to your boss is seriously stupid 8) Organize or join a union if you can 9) Your identity is not your job, don't get invested in a place that isn't invested in you 10) Always choose your health over a job 11) If you can, don't quit before lining up a new job 12) Share your salary with others; only your employer benefits from you being silent about your pay. 13) Don't work the full 8 hours, at minimum take breaks 14) Take advantage of new business models (like work from home) 15) Keep equipment the company gives you if you can 16) Use all your benefits and expenditures Summary of work section: you're a human, not an asset to your boss. support yourself and peers before anything else. Finance 1) Avoid brand obsession, focus on the true labor value 2) Avoid excessive consumption, shopping to feel good is an advertising tactic 3) No ethical consumption under capitalism, but being sustainable is encouraged 4) Take care of what you own instead of immediately buying new 5) Buy, don't rent if you can Small tips 1) Get a loan from a union before a bank (e.g. a credit union) 2) Balance food quality and price 3) Treat yourself where possible 4) Help the homeless