soos_mite_ah

@MuadDib I appreciate it. @Jwayne I get having an area of life that people are having issues with and not having role models. I mean, you can find that type of thing easily irl. But a lot of people are unempathetic and just have really weird views. I posted a thread asking where the women on this forum are and one of the comments are Here is said weirdo energy^^ There is just so many fucked up stereotypes here that idek where to begin unpack...

The Men on this Forum and Why I Stick Around. I don't know what distorts my perception of men more, the men on this forum or the men in my real life. The men on this forum are really icky and lacking in self awareness. The fact that there are so many people defending Andrew Tate is nuts. Not to mention the hundreds of posts that lack self awarenss regarding basic social issues and social settings. Some of these threads get pretty disturbing as well. My mind goes to this thread that was started about a guy who felt victimized by his girlfriend getting raped because that meant that another man touched his woman. I remember this thread more clearly while the rest of the posts blur together mainly because I remember that thread being the last straw for many women on this forum. The majority of women who I was cool with here are gone now. I myself don't contribute to conversations much any more (though I doubt any one reads or takes me seriously when I do post) and I keep to myself in my journals more nowadays. I have written in the past how this forum distorted my view of men during the pandemic because this was my main exposure to men during that short period of time. Long story short, sticking around in this forum made me cynical about men, made me not like myself very much and view myself through an objectifying lens, and I found myself feeling on guard in my regular life. Basically, I needed to touch grass lol. And talking to my friend's brothers and meeting men irl helped a lot in terms of the things listed previously. ] Then men in my real life don't have any of the weirdness on this forum. They aren't trying to be alpha males, they aren't trying to "socially calibrate themselves" and learn game, they are friends with women, they understand social issues, they have career goals and self development aspirations in the form of therapy and reflection, and just all around they are normal well adjusted people with goals in their lives. They still like video games, hang out on reddit, and do I guess other traditionally male online activities but they aren't chronically online and know how to engage with other people of either gender platonically and romantically. And I wouldn't say that these are the top tier men. They're just normal well adjusted guys to me. But I feel like if they were on this forum they would look like some well integrated god of some sort. I feel like the guys on this forum are particularly bad due to the incel and pick up artist rhetoric and how spirituality can attract broken people, but I guess I find myself wondering, what even is a normal guy? Are the guys on this forum worse than the average guy? Are they the average? Are they guys I meet in my real life average guys or better than the average due to my own selection bias? Like my current boyfriend would never in a million years be associated with a guy who is a fan of Andrew Tate or any other podcast bro and often makes fun of guys like that. He is aware of the manosphere in the same way I am and while he can empathize with them to a certain extent, he does ultimately see them as a collection of clowns and walking red flags. And don't get me wrong, I know a lot of men aren't like my boyfriend, I have gone on dates with guys who turned out to be really weird before, but I'm using him as an example because currently, he is a man whom I am the most closest to. But yeah, for a forum that centers around self improvment, being higher consciousness, and critiquing society's low consciousness ways, it sure has a lot of people who have their EQ in the gutter. I also wonder what Leo's social life looks like to a certain degree and how it coinceides with the characters I have met on this forum. If it is anything at all like the dynamics here, no wonder he thinks the average person is shitty and that he's so much better than everyone. It's because he is surrounded by scummy people. I don't know what that says about him and again I'm talking about hypotheticals but yeah.... this forum doesn't have many self-aware much less self actualized people and is often a hostile place for women. I suppose the main reason I stick around is because of my journal. I do enjoy writing on here and I find myself ignoring most of the chatter here because I'm emotionally exhausted to where I cannot bother to care (and because many of the discussions are pretty low quality tbh). I wonder how long I'm going to stick around and if it's even worth it for me being here now that most of the people I liked and engaged with basically left this place. I wonder if anything I even say on this forum or in my journal even matters or if anyone actually reads it anymore tbh. It kind of feels like me talking to the void. I'm alright with that but I wonder when I will naturally stop posting here as well.

0 lol

Lefty Self Help I watched this Vaush stream among other clips of him talking about the rise of Andrew Tate and alpha male podcasters and how it's due to men not being spoken to when it comes to their personal problems from the left and often turn to the right who will give them answers even if they are awful answers. But what I wanted to really write about today is towards the end of the video, Vaush talks about the importance of personal responsibility, discipline etc. Thankfully he made a segment of this in his channel and later posted it. I thought this was weird not because of what Vaush was saying but because I feel like it didn't match my personal interactions with leftists in my life. I would characterize all of my friends as leftists to varying degrees but I guess the distinction I can make is irl leftys vs chronically online leftys. It could also be the types of people I tend to attract in my life and how I am invested into self development (like attracts like I guess). The whole "leftys don't care about self help and it has been co-opted by the right" makes sense to a certain degree. The second part of that statement makes sense on the whole Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson phenomenon on how they started as self-help but then became prominant figures on the right. The first part makes sense to a certain extent. Personally, from my corner of my social life, I always saw leftism as pro-self help because of the ways it encourages you to educate yourself about different perspectives, be critical of our social systems so you can make better, healthier decisions, how left leaning people in general are more comfortable with mental health care, treatment, and accesssibility to health care, and how you are encouraged to accept yourself. However, I can see how some leftist talking points critiquing the system can cause people to not take personal responsibility and avoid taking action. I'm talking blaming all of your issues on systemic problems and theorizing to where you aren't looking at things practically nor are you looking at ways where you can improve your situation despite the obstacles you have. I'm also talking about seeing personal responsibility as mainly a political/ individualistic thing and how a lot of lefties can become doomers. It mainly reminds me of the archetype of the stage green person who didn't integrate the healthy aspects of blue and orange and just jumped into being green. I also started thinking of a video where Dr. K from Healthy Gamer talks about taking personal responsibility. I don't know which video of his it was but basically he was talking about how when people are faced with problems, some take too much personal responsibility to where it's unhealthy for them (person A) and some fall into learned helplessness and end up freezing in the face of adversity (person B). And for each of the two groups, you want to give them the opposite advise. It isn't going to help person A to tell them to pull them up by their bootstraps and think of things that they're doing wrong because then they will dig into their unhealthy coping mechanisms and as a result be even harder on themselves, thus making the issue in question worse. Instead, you are going to want to tell person A on how they are trying hard and how they maybe facing up to issues that are out of their control and that they need to be more gentle with themselves or something like that. However this approach isn't going work for person B as it will cause them to dig into their feelings of hopelessness and instead you need to show them where they take on more agency and responsibility. I feel that person A and person B exists in both the right and the left. Person A on the right might be one of the Jordan Peterson fanboys while person B on the right might be your boomer uncle who doesn't want to take any ounce of selfawareness to deal with their dysfunctional relationships and thinks mental health issues are a hoax made by the liberal elite. Person A on the left might be the person who tries really hard to create a better life for themselves but is hitting up against societal forces that they are aware of but is still being emotionally impacted by their own limitations while person B on the left might be the chronically online leftists who thinks a bag of chips and an ice coffee is enough to sustain them. As a result, I can acknowledge on how some leftists don't take self help and personal development seriously but part of me wants to say that whether someone takes self-help seriously isn't as political as it seems. But at the same time, I can acknowledge the whole Andrew Tate/ Jordan Peterson phenomenon and I can't really think of anyone on the left having a similar situation.

I am retaking the life purpose course and I know that I'm supposed to narrow it down to one zone of mastery/genius. But I feel like in order to master one thing, I would need to master many things. For example, if someone wants to be a master painter, they will need to master different types of paint, different forms and styles, and things like depth perception, proportions, and a variety of techniques. Another example is that if someone wants to be a master at business, they will need to get different expertise on various categories ranging from accounting, finance, marketing, sales, leadership, etc. I'm pretty sure things can get even more complicated if you find a niche where two or more very different things combine. Where would you draw the line between trying to master too many things and "dabbling" vs trying to master various things that contribute to mastering one thing?

100% agree

I mean, if polarity is something you guys are concerned about, both gender and gender expression exists on a spectrum. You can identify as a woman for example and be a tomboy / more masculine leaning but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a woman as far as your gender identity goes. Same for feminine men, they aren't less of a man because of the way that they express themselves. And it isn't difficult to apply that to non-binary folk, especially non-binary folk. Just because you don't feel like a woman doesn't mean that you can't express the femininity and masculinity in you nor does it mean that you can't lean one way or another. Most non-binary people aren't expressing themselves as stictly androgynous.

I don't think this will change much so long as you're not weird about it and you guys have an otherwise stable/healthy relationship. They're just figuring thing out and so long as they can communicate what's going on with them, maintain healthy boundaries, etc. it should be fine. As someone who is in a pretty good relationship right now, I would say that there are 3 entities in the relationship: you, them, and the relationship y'all are creating together. Sometimes, there is an issue that affects one party, but doesn't affect the other two all that much directly. Definitely be supportive in this instance as coming out can be a very vulnerable thing to do for many people. Later on, if you see that this is affecting you and the relationship negatively, then I would suggest looking into other options. The least you can do right now is use the correct pronouns and open up the conversation to ensure that they feel supported in this situation.

I posted this in my journal but I want to open it up into a conversation so I thought posting this here would help: This is something that I have been thinking more about lately. Even though I have a good job, I still panic at the thought of spending money, even if it isn't in foolish intention. The thought of paying thousands in rent freaks me out and so does the general cost of being alive lol. Maybe it's because I'm not used to paying larger bills. I have this impulse of saving up as much as I possibly can. I feel that this can cause me to cut corners down the road. I'm currently living at home with my parents and I am saving a lot of money. I originally planned to stay at home for 6 months to save up and then get my own place. But I feel a sense of resistance towards that. While I recognize that getting my own space can cause me to be more independent, figure out various ares of my life, give me a sense of privacy, and overall be healthier than my current living circumstances since my parents aren't the healthiest people to be around, there is a part of me that's like *but you can save much more money if you extend your stay for another 3-6 months.* This kind of thinking has landed me in a lot of trouble during the pandemic. I chose to stay at home instead of going back to school in an effort to make a more moral and financially sound decision. But because I was living in an unhealthy enviornment, I wound up spending more in medical bills due to my deteriorating mental health than if I had just paid some extra money to live away from home. However, living at home now feel considerably more different now that I'm not at home under lockdown, now that my parents have calmed down significantly when it comes to my relationship with them, and now that I have more of a social circle that I can fall back on. Sure, it's still not the best environment but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. And part of me thinks that I can gain more if I delay somethings in order to save up money. I also think a large part of the reason why I'm frugal with my money is because of the relationship I have with my parents. I am contemplating on potentially cutting them off and there is a part of me that wants to give back all of the money they have spent on me since I was 18, from my college, to basic bills, medical expenses, letting me live at home for 6 months, and letting me use their car. From my calculations, that totals up to about $150k for the last 5 years. In addition to that, I have other financial goals from having my own car (having it paid off for the most part), getting my own place and furnishing it, 6-months of expenses, and a potential down payment on a house. All of that together, minus the 6 months of expenses since I don't know the valuation of that and accounting for $100k for a down payment on a house (I know this is pretty generous but I'd rather overshoot on my financial goals), that totals up to $130k. Total for the money that I want to pay back my parents and the money for my own financial goals is $280k. $280k is a number that hangs over my head. I think on one hand it makes my goal feel more achievable since I can make certain calculations and it feels more tangible than feeling like I need to make a large amorphous amount of money. But, at the same time, it still does feel like a lot of money considering how much I'm making at the moment. I would probably have to save about half of my income for 10 years to pay this off. Now, I'm pretty sure that my wage isn't stagnant given how I can move up in my current job, have side hustles, have my life purpose contribute a lot of money etc. but it still kicks my frugal tendencies into high gear. I can probably go without paying $150k to my parents and just focus on the $130k (it's not like my parents are expecting this money back, this is a standard I have for myself) and that relieves some of my stress and frugal tendencies tbh. God, I wish I came from a healthy home so I wouldn't feel like I had to do this. And I have thought of the ways that being stingy with my money can affect my quality and happiness in life ranging from not feeling comfortable taking financial risk, not travelling to places and enjoying / exploring life and growing myself, not relocating and living in a place that feels more fulfilling than Dallas, and most currently, not moving out of an unhealthy environment. I can see this really holding me back in my life. Thoughts?

Impulsive Intrusive Thoughts I have this impulsive intrusive thought of breaking up with my boyfriend, contacting my "ex", quitting my job, and then moving across the country to the north east. There isn't anything awfully wrong with my boyfriend, job, or my living situation but it isn't my dream scenario, ya know? This isn't a strong urge or anything but it is a thought that I find myself entertaining. I suppose as I'm reflecting on it, it's more of a desire to not want to settle for a mediocre life and the desire to not fall into the trap of settling into the good instead of fufilling my potential for a good life. I thought I'd explore that more in this post. Starting off with my boyfriend. I don't think that I'm very intellectually compatible with him. I didn't get into this relationship blindly without being aware of this but I'm seeing the trade offs right now. If anything, one of the big reasons why I admired him was because he is smart in a very different way than I am. I'm just realizing that intellectual compatibility is something that is important to me for a potential lifetime relationship. I didn't know this before since I have never been in a relationship before this one and other than this thing, I feel like for a long term relationship, my partner and I are pretty solid. I'm not trying to insinuate that he is some how dumb by saying that he has a different kind of intellegence. If anything, like I said before, his intelligence is something I admire. He is very hands on, technical, and he created a path for himself and is financailly stable. I love his resourcefulness and his consistency despite struggling when he was younger. He has a pretty stable career with an upward trajectory despite not having a college degree and almost dropping out of high school multiple times. I on the other hand would describe myself as more traditionally intelligent in the academic sense and I have a very social science oriented mind. While I can talk to him about my interests and my though processes, I feel that our conversations only go so deep. It doesn't feel that bad since I have a lot of friends who fulfill that intellectual need but I feel like this would be important for me to have for a life partner. It would also be nice if I was with a POC instead of a white man. It's definitely not a necessity like the intellectual compatiblity piece. I think if I were to be with a POC instead of a white man that he would be able to better relate to me and as a result contribute to some discussions in my life pertaining to things related to my life experience as a WOC. This isn't something that I feel detracts from my current relationship. My current partner never said anything stupid, short sided, or ignorant. He is attentive to my perspective and he takes the intiative to educate himself on different things that can affect me or our relationship. However, there is only so much he can contribute to a conversation and relate to me simply because of his lack of life experiences. And that isn't something that's in his control which is why I don't see this as something that detracts from our relationship nor do I see this as something valuable to bring up as he is already doing what he can in his control. And guess who is a man who is a POC and is intellectually compatible with me? The one guy I really liked in high school that took me forever to get over because I never actually dated him (hence the quotations above). I'm not in contact with him any more and haven't been for the last 5 years. I don't have romantic feelings toward this person and I'm pretty sure that he has been dating men since I've last seen him. This kind of feels like the 80-20 rule that I've come across in some dating advice video I saw I along time ago. Basically, the best that anyone can do is fulfill 80% of your desires since people can't be everything for us. But even if you are in a healthy and loving relationship with the 80%, sometimes people have the desire to leave that relationship or to cheat when they find a person that has the 20% they are missing. And because that 20% is something that is missing, it feels bigger than 20% and can often feel like a 100%, like that person who isn't your partner is the complete package. As a result, some people fall into the trap of chasing after that 20% thinking it's a 100% and then when they get with that person and realize that they were only a 20%, they realize that they traded in an 80% for a 20%. The guy I liked in high school feels like that 20% in this instance, however, I'm well aware that he is a 20% instead of a 100%. Even though I know that the guy I liked back then and I are not compatible or healthy for each other, I do still find myself drawn to him due to the fact that he was the last man who I felt like I was intellectually compatible with. This honeslty just manifests as me stalking his instagram page and me dreaming of running away to the north east and reconnecting with him as a friend. As for the part about quitting my job and moving across the country, I feel like I wrote a good amount of that earlier in my journal regarding on how my job is stable and is making me happy for now but isn't fulfilling and as a result sustainable long term. And my previous post is about how my inner teenager had this dream of leaving Texas lol. So I'm not going to be overly repetitive here. Ultimately, I do see myself making changes in my life, just not now even though I have the impulse to do so. I don't think it's wise to leave a perfectly good partner and a perfectly good job before I gain more experience professionally and before I deepen this relationship and let it run it's course since it is still pretty fulfilling for me.

I do think that it would be healthy for me to move out in order to gain independence and responsibility as a self-sustaining adult. Plus my home life isn't the healthiest and I don't have much freedom here lol. I'm currently living in dallas and compared to most major cities, it isn't the worst in terms of cost of living. I'm not working in IT but I am working in tech and it's a relatively low stress job.

Listening to my Inner Teenager So in these last couple weeks or so I've been trying to be more in touch with my inner teenager as a way to figure out what I can do with my life that would make me feel more fulfilled. I wrote a little bit about this before but I didn't really get into it all that much. I wanted to write about this today because yesterday, I opened TikTok and I was innundated with bad news ranging from things regarding a trans genocide, Texas trying to make it so that people who try to get an abortion get the death penalty, and Tennessee trying to make it legal for a clerk to deny a marriage because it is interracial, interreligious, or gay. Obviously I'm not going to let a TikTok cause me to spiral so I decided to verify the news for myself. And then I started doomscrolling. Next thing I know, I felt this urge to take my friends run away, at least to a blue state if not to a different country. Many of my friends are trans and I can't imagine what they maybe going through. I feel unsafe as a cis woman of color. This reminded me of how I felt similarly upon the election of Donald Trump back in 2016/2017. I found myself wanting to run away, to travel, to be more educated, to surround myself with diverse people, so that I can socially, intellectually, physically, and politically distance myself from happening. And while I have a tendency to cringe at myself and my angsty tendencies at times, not all of my grievances between 15-19 were fueled by angst, much less hormones. I think we tend to write teenagers who are dealing with some really real shit as angsty and hormonal in the same way we write women, poc and other marginalized people as hysterical when they express pain. And while some of my perspectives and some of the reasons why I felt somethings so deeply was a result of me not having enough perspective due to me not living long enough to have life experiences that can show how vaired life can be, some of those feelings and grievances were very real. I'm talking issues related to eating disorders, late stage capitalism (though I didn't know what that really was yet), difficult family dynamics, political issues, etc. For now I want to focus my attention on the desire to move. I don't think my problems will all be solved if I move out of Texas or the U.S. I'm still going to face marginalization. Teenage me had a more idealistic view of this and thought that a lot of things will get better if I move and that if I don't I'm going to be absolutely miserable. And then when I realized that I'm going to face shit no matter where I went, I found myself spiralling at that age because I felt like I couldn't escape. I will say that even though I have the same desire to move, it isn't as strongly and emotionally charged as it was before because I have a more realistic view of moving and the stuff it can come with it, from having to build your life from scratch, adjusting to a new place, having the funds etc. as well as an acceptance that I'm going to deal with some form of bs no matter where I go. But now, I feel like my desire to move is more rooted in the legal issues that are happening here (i.e. Roe v. Wade overturning) rather than simply wanting to find my people and a sense of belonging. I remember thinking to myself last night now I feel like I'm too poor to move elsewhere in this country like in a blue state for example. Sure I know my income will adjust to the cost of living, but also, I'm a stingy bitch. While I'm currently content with living in Dallas for the time being to keep up with my friends and figure out adulthood in my own pace, I did feel a sense of disappoinment associated with living my life like this forever. And I think that sums up the way that I feel about a lot of things in my life from my current partner, current job, current living situation, current friendships, etc. It's good for now, but it isn't good forever. And I'm not sure how to define how long "now" is. Is "now" for the next 2 years? 5 years? I think getting to a point of contentment is crucial for me to figure my life out and I'm really greatful for the now, even with all of the downsides. Maybe "now" is until I have a clearer idea as to what I want with my future and I feel the need to make moves to build my life accordingly.

Would you include avoiding spending money on experiences that could grow you like traveling or spending time with friends (occasionally getting dinner with friends or paying during dates) as things that could backfire? I’m not talking partying or drinking etc. when I mean social activities nor am I talking about extravagant vacations.

@supremeyingyang I'm in Dallas, Texas. The college I went to was in an upper class area with really wealthy and priviledged students (I mention this because there is a whole thing about rich white people obessing over female thinness and hold it like its a status symbol). This isn't about health and nutrition. This is about glorifying thinness, not eating, and losing your hunger cues as markers of how controlled, busy or quirky you are. A lot of the food rules and "lifestyles" that people talk about are just repackaged diets and not eating enough can really fuck with you in the long run. And this can effect people in all weights. We just don't talk about the dangers of diet culture nearly as much as say the dangers of obesity. I'd argue that the former is much worse than the later and that the former can in turn fuel the later as well. Generally speaking, when it comes to cuisine globally, they all include some fruits/vegetables for fiber and micronutrients, some carbs, some healthy fats, and some protein. The contents change from place to place depending on availability but the building blocks and format of the meals that make people satiated is pretty consistent generally speaking. There is no need to obsess over macros, "clean foods" etc. If you have a healed relationship with food and don't have any specific body building goal and are just looking to eat healthy, I think an intuitive approach to eating is the best. There are ways to make certain meals or snacks more nutrient dense and filling/satisfying but there isn't any hard and fast rules.

I never had the judgement placed on me outright but I do remember feeling self concious as my hunger cues were coming back. I went to school in a really werid place where thinnness was put on a pedestal and if you didn't at least have abs, you were basically the odd one out. And just in general, I think there is a whole thing about some girls (and guys too) saying "I just realized that I had nothing except *insert a very small snack* all day" as if it's something quirky rather than concerning. And while women do need less calories then men because of their size, by no means should women aim to eat 1200-1400 calories. That's the caloric recommendations for a toddler but a lot of women at one point or another, including myself, thought this was normal and that we should all weigh 110-120 lbs because that is what is normalized.

I've seen a lot of women not react too well to the keto/low carb diet compared to men. Might be a hormonal thing tbh. Unfortunately, because of biases in the medical field, women aren't the ones who are typically tested on and as a result how things affect women can differ from how things affect men and there isn't as much of an explanation available because of a lack of funding that goes to that type of research. The COVID vaccine physically affecting women more than men in terms of symptoms after the dose is the perfect example of this. I'm sure this can also be applied to diet related matters too. I also know that regardless of gender, your body, especially your brain, needs carbs to function. I know that if I'm not eating enough of carbs l I can deal with anything from migranes, low energy, mood swings, and a generally depressed outlook. I like to joke that keto or any other restrictive diet can fry some people's brains physiologically or as far as mental health towards one's attitude towards food and their body goes lol. As far as women receiving more demonization, I don't think it's a controversial opinion that a woman's body and what she chooses to do with it is subject to much more scrutiny than men, apart from reproductive rights. Most diets are often marketed towards women and what our bodies look like can feel like its under a microscope to where a plethora of neurosis can stem from, ranging from demonizing women for eating a normal portion of food to expecting her to always restrict. I know for me personally, as someone who has been healing her relationship with food, sometimes I do feel like I'm eating an obsene amount mainly because a lot of women around me basically run on an iced coffee and an oreo all day. There is also the social pressure to restrict food whether it is because your peers are doing it, you want to look a certain way, or other gendered notions of food like how sometimes people look down on you when you eat more than your male partner for example. When it comes to dieting and exercising for a specific goal for fatloss or muscle gain, I do think that a simple calories in / calories out is too simplistic because it doesn't take into consideration of things like horomones, medications (like birth control), energy levels, menstrual cycle, stunted metabolism due to prolonged dieting etc. into consideration. And when those factors interfere, sometimes women get written off as they aren't trying hard enough or that they are lying to themselves about what they eat.

If she’s doing these in moderation that’s fine. You can enjoy these foods and still have and overall balanced diet. As far as pasta and bread is concerned, that’s honestly great. just pair it with some fruits/ vegetables, healthy fat, and some protein and you have a balanced meal. Carbs are demonized too much these days and they are important for a healthy, well rounded diet, especially if you are a woman.

And even though I don't have the healthiest relationship with my parents, as their child I still love them and respect the stuff they were able to do for me. They are the way they are due to situations outside of their control (i.e. generational trauma from war, genocide, famine, child marriage across generations, lack of money + lack of mental health awareness and resources etc.) and they really did their best. I can empathize with a lot of what they have gone through and I understand why they are the way they are. I can't help but feel that me leaving the family is the last blow in their lives. Imagine going through all of that, having to immigrate to a country that is so different from your own, leaving your friends and family in said country behind to provide a better life for your kid only to fail providing for the kid emotionally because you weren't well equiped as a parent to provide them with a healthy home due to things our of your control and have her to leave you at your old age. That's fucked up. It's a privilege that I can do this self-actualization work in the first place. And maybe I cannot gurantee being present until they die for my own sanity and in the future for my future family, but I feel awful for not compensating them in other ways and the other way I can currently think of is money.

I disagree with this. While there is a lot of bs in my relationship with my parents, financial guilt tripping is not one of them. I will be honest and say it's a me thing. I was talking to my therapist about this and I thought that I'd share some of the insights and reflections I had. I would put this in the OP but I didn't want it to get too long. I am coming from an immigrant family and I think in this instance I'm taking the worst of both sides. The main con of being in an hyper individualistic society (the U.S.) is not being able to ask for help, lean on other people, and have social and monetary support. The main con of being in a hyper collectivistic society (South Asia) is caring way too much about what other people think of you, and doing things out of obligation to your community rather than doing what you actually want. I feel in this particular case, I’m in a double bind because on one hand, I’m expected to pull myself up from my bootstraps and do everything myself, but on the other hand, I’m also obligated to certain people in my life to fulfill certain roles. I feel like I put these expectations on myself because I have this need to be right and moral in both of the cultural contexts I was brought up in. I know that my parents who come from a collectivistic society think it's weird that parents in the US expect their kids to pay rent under their own roof and they think it's inhumane to not at least try to help the kid out with paying for college and higher education. In a lot of Asian families, it can be seen as a failure to not be able to provide for your kids in this way. I also know with my friends in the U.S., mainly those who came from lower incomes and really don't have any other option but to become independent at a young age by working multiple jobs and also pitching in while in high school, I wouldn't be surprised if they looked at me as if I'm priviledged and entitled and as if I'm lazy/ living life on easy mode / not taking responsibility.

The OP is currently giving me the same energy as when Tai Lopez explained that what he means by the statement of him reading one book a day is really just him reading summarries of those books, if that.

Also, I don't know who is reading my journal lol but I would really appreciate input on the previous post. I'm contemplating on creating another thread providing this information and phasing it into a question in the Main Discussions (likely either in the Personal Development section or Life Purpose, Career, Entrepreneurship, Finance section).

My Frugal Relationship with Money This is something that I have been thinking more about lately. Even though I have a good job, I still panic at the thought of spending money, even if it isn't in foolish intention. The thought of paying thousands in rent freaks me out and so does the general cost of being alive lol. Maybe it's because I'm not used to paying larger bills. I have this impulse of saving up as much as I possibly can. I feel that this can cause me to cut corners down the road. I'm currently living at home with my parents and I am saving a lot of money. I originally planned to stay at home for 6 months to save up and then get my own place. But I feel a sense of resistance towards that. While I recognize that getting my own space can cause me to be more independent, figure out various ares of my life, give me a sense of privacy, and overall be healthier than my current living circumstances since my parents aren't the healthiest people to be around, there is a part of me that's like *but you can save much more money if you extend your stay for another 3-6 months.* This kind of thinking has landed me in a lot of trouble during the pandemic. I chose to stay at home instead of going back to school in an effort to make a more moral and financially sound decision. But because I was living in an unhealthy enviornment and in honestly, existentially horrible circumstances, I wound up spending more in medical bills due to my deteriorating mental health than if I had just paid some extra money to live away from home. However, living at home now feel considerably more different now that I'm not at home under lockdown, now that my parents have calmed down significantly when it comes to my relationship with them, and now that I have more of a social circle that I can fall back on. Sure, it's still not the best environment but it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be. And part of me thinks that I can gain more if I delay somethings in order to save up money. I also think a large part of the reason why I'm frugal with my money is because of the relationship I have with my parents. I am contemplating on potentially cutting them off and there is a part of me that wants to give back all of the money they have spent on me since I was 18, from my college, to basic bills, medical expenses, letting me live at home for 6 months, and letting me use their car. From my calculations, that totals up to about $150k for the last 5 years. In addition to that, I have other financial goals from having my own car (having it paid off for the most part), getting my own place and furnishing it, 6-months of expenses, and a potential down payment on a house. All of that together, minus the 6 months of expenses since I don't know the valuation of that and accounting for $100k for a down payment on a house (I know this is pretty generous but I'd rather overshoot on my financial goals), that totals up to $130k. Total for the money that I want to pay back my parents and the money for my own financial goals is $280k. $280k is a number that hangs over my head. I think on one hand it makes my goal feel more achievable since I can make certain calculations and it feels more tangible than feeling like I need to make a large amorphous amount of money. But, at the same time, it still does feel like a lot of money considering how much I'm making at the moment. I would probably have to save about half of my income for 10 years to pay this off. Now, I'm pretty sure that my wage isn't stagnant given how I can move up in my current job, have side hustles, have my life purpose contribute a lot of money etc. but it still kicks my frugal tendencies into high gear. I can probably go without paying $150k to my parents and just focus on the $130k (it's not like my parents are expecting this money back, this is a standard I have for myself) and that relieves some of my stress and frugal tendencies tbh. God, I wish I came from a healthy home so I wouldn't feel like I had to do this. And I have thought of the ways that being stingy with my money can affect my quality and happiness in life ranging from not feeling comfortable taking financial risk, not travelling to places and enjoying / exploring life and growing myself, not relocating and living in a place that feels more fulfilling than Dallas, and most currently, not moving out of an unhealthy environment. I can see this really holding me back in my life.

How Aligned Am I To My Top Values Authenticity: I do feel like I have really authentic relationships where I can be vulnerable with people and that I have a life that aligns with what I'm currently feeling. I think working from home and my company's over all culture with how casual everything is helps me not feel like a total corporate drone, however, I do understand there is only so much transparency I can have in a corporate environment. I do have outlets to express myself in and I make time to explore interests and goals I have for myself. There are a few tweaks here and there I could make that would help me show up as more authentic but over all I feel like I'm in a good place 9/10. Awareness: I am journalling regularly again and as usual, I'm in therapy. I'm taking accountability for my actions and I see my weakpoints, especially regarding food and body image. I'm also in a stable enough place where I can think clearer about what I want with my life over all. I feel like I could improve upon my awareness by moving out of my parent's house because I think moving into my own place can give me a more neutral setting to figure my life out. I also think that I could do more in terms of being present at my job. Overall, 8/10. Justice/Truth: I volunteer for causes I care about, I continue to educate myself about different social issues, and I go to therapy to unpack my blindspots in terms of social justice. My job is for the most part ethical but I do feel that making software for property managers and land lord isn't the vibe even though over all the company culture is good and equitable and they do a lot of social responsibility stuff. I would say my job takes most of the hit on the scale so I will say it's a 7/10. Empathy: I'm in an empathetic enviornment at work and I like the customer service aspect of it because I like dealing with people. I volunteer at an afterschool program and I like engaging with the kids there and giving them advice and guidance. I am dealing with somethings regarding my relationship with my parents and I think I'm dealing with that empathetically. I also have solid relationships in my life. Only thing that I would count off on is that I wish my job was more people oriented. 9/10 Joy: I do think I'm pretty happy overall. I have healthy habits, a stable job, good relationships etc. I do think I can do better in terms of career satisfaction but I am trusting the process. 8/10. Peace: Similar to the previous answer, I have a very chill life and job. I have a good balance between time to myself and time with others along with a meditation practice. I do see room for improvement when I move out. 9/10. Creativity: I am exploring my interests and I started journaling again. My job is pretty lacking in creativity and I think I can do better in pursuing some of my creative pursuits. 5/10. Connecting with people: It's similar to the empathy answer. 9/10 Learning: I think I'm learning at my job but I don't think that I feel educated. I'm pursuing my interests independently and I'm basically using life experience as the medium of learning rather than my go to which is podcasts, books etc. I think I need a break from that medium tbh. Main points are counted off because of my job. 7/10 Freedom: My work is 90% remote. I can wear what I want, I'm not micromanaged, I have the freedom to eat and cook as I please, I don't have a commute, and I have great work life balance. I do wish I had more financial freedom and that I was making more money and I need to reevaluate my relationship with money. I also want to move out of my parents house. Most of these are a work in progress so I'm not counting off too much and I think the work life balance and freedom my job is giving me is a huge deal. 8/10. Overall score: 7.9/10 Things I can do going forward to live according to my values more: Move out of my parents' house (freedom, awareness, peace) Get clear about career matters: impacts career satisfaction (joy), learning, want to change to something more ethical and people oriented (justice, empathy, connection), and allows me to be more creative. Make more money for financial freedom

Leaning into Boredom I caught myself feeling bored for the first time in a long time today. I think the last time I felt this was was maybe in middle school. I think both high school, college, and even the break I took in college was riddled with things to do and even if my schedule wasn't full, I was either recuperating from a busy week or anxiously procrastinating on work for an upcoming work because I didn't have the energy or motivation to do something "productive." I also catch myself feeling like delving into my interests through things like podcasts, video essays, or books to feel rather empty at the moment. Don't get me wrong, I feel like there is so much that I still have yet to learn and more knowledge that I want to accumulate, but recently, part of it just feels kind of compulsive. I remember not too long ago viewing watching things from my "watch later" playlist as something that was relaxing and fulfilling because it was letting me educate myself in something I was interested in. I don't think that it's about my tastes in content changing rather it's more about that my consumption of content feels compulsory to fill all this time I have, especially when it comes to TikTok and Instagram. I'm thinking of just cutting these things off for a short while and see how I feel afterwards. When it comes to my job, I feel like I'm learning so much but I don't feel educated. I feel like I have all this free time to rest and have energy but not many outlets to use that energy in a meaningful way. I feel that my job is a good job, that it is fulfilling a lot of my needs, and that I've landed the best possible circumstance given that I just graduated college, but I feel like I'm not utilizing talents towards something I actually care about. I have a good amount of friends whom I engage with in meaningful conversations, but I feel like once I start stagnating in my life in terms of growing as a person and experiencing things, I won't have as many interesting things to bring to the table. And as some of the things that bring my life meaning starts to feel empty to a certain extent as I am in a place where I'm well rested and stable in my life, it does make me think of my life purpose more. I feel like once I'm find my life purpose it will help me learn things that resonate with me and continue to grow me personally as well as through experience. I will have something to direct my energy towards. I can learn and feel educated. And I can keep the spark alive in my friendships and other relationships. In the time that I was able to get into a healthy and loving relatioship with my significant other, I also have a friend who traveled around India for her master's program, did work/volunteering, and basically found what she really wanted to do with her life. I think that finding a dream partner or dream career can have some parallels from the conversation I had with her. I know that I have half-jokingly talked before on how job interviews are like first dates and the reason why I'm good at interviews is because I've been on a number of first dates and I have the transferrable skills to make a good impression, tell stories, relate to people, see if a situation is a good fit for both of us, scan for red flags, and walk away from things without feeling bad about it which all translate very well in the context of a job interview. I think I'm in a similar place in my career/life purpose as I was in my romantic life before I met my current partner. I remember before in my romantic life, I was pretty romantically thirsty, desired companionship, and that I had a good idea of what I wanted due to therapy and self reflection even though I was still happy single and not desperate to get into a relationship with just anyone. Similarly, careerwise, I feel thirsty for meaning, I desire finding my life purpose, and I have a good idea of what I want due to therapy and self reflection (see previous posts lol) even though I'm still happy with my job right now and I'm not desperate to leave this. And I guess this is the part where I surrender my control but still keep an eye out because I'll find this life purpose/ career when I am meant to the same way that I met my current partner.