soos_mite_ah

Being Happy vs. Being Right: Family Matters There is a saying that goes along the lines of "sometimes in life you need to choose between being happy and being right." This is something that I have been reflecting on for the past couple weeks because I think it's applicable to two big decisions in my life. It applies to whether or not I want to take care of my mom in her old age or go no contact with her as well as my thoughts on getting plastic surgery. I'm going to talk about the family issue for and then talk about the plastic surgery bit in a later post. Some thing that I have been dealing with in therapy is trying to figure out how to go about dealing with family relationships. The realtionships I have with my family is not the healthiest and on top of that, I come from a South Asian family, meaning there is also a cultural component that complicates things. I have dealt with most of my childhood trauma and I have built a good life for myself. And now that I have moved out and gained financial independence from my family, I feel like I'm in a clearer head space to contemplate this. I have a lot of shoulds in this situation. I feel like I should take care of my parents into their old age. I love them and I think that no matter what happens, there will always be a part of me that will yearn for that healthy relationship from them. I understand them and why they do certain things and the trauma that it stems from. I feel a deep sense of empathy when I think about their paths in life. There are a lot of ethical things I have thought about regarding hurting my parents. There is also the cultural expectation of children taking care of their parents due to South Asian culture being more collectivistic. There is a stigma against estranging yourself from your family. And especially as an only child, that responsibility feels even more real to me because it's basically expected. There is also the notion of me being too sensitive, that I should just be able to move on, that I shouldn't take some of the things they have done to me to heart. And finally, there is a sense of guilt and shame from me being ungrateful because I know people who are around my age who have lost a parent. Now all of this is like the quick version of the stuff I have been talking about in therapy. Much of it is crying and emotional processing about how this situation has been affecting me. But I feel like I have found a sense of direction as to where I want to go with my family relationships going forward. I don't know how I'm going to execute this and what kinds of conversations I will need to have and that is something that I'm still figuring out with a professional. Keep contact with my dad: While I feel like I can't emotionally open up around my dad and as a result don't have a lot of fuzzy feelings towards him, I do generally like his company and I can have a functional relationship with him given that we have certain boundaries. No contact or low contact with my mom: Unlike my dad, I feel like the boundaries aren't helpping us connect in a healtheir way. It's also really hard for me to connect to her in general and overall I'm not happy in this situation. The thought of me taking care of her into her old age freaks me out because of the way that she sabotogues family dynamics, the toll it will take on my mental health and what I've seen modeled to me by other family members who have taken a similar path. incidental/ low contact with extended family: I don't feel the need to full on cut them off but I think generally speaking I don't run into them all too often because I'm half way across the world. I can deal with them in small doses. I figured out the piece about my mom after re-evaluating my top values. I jotted them down and did a quick evaluation on whether this value was aligned with taking care of my mom or not aligned. Then I sat with my responses and talked about it in therapy. Authenticity: not aligned The thought of taking care of my mom feels very inauthentic given how I don't have a good relationship with her and that spending time with her fills me with dread. Awareness: not aligned There are many facets to this. I don't feel like I have a good quality of consciousness around her given how she impacts my mental health. I feel like it's hard to be present around her. And I feel like given that I have been carefully thinking through this situation for so many years and I'm working with a professional on this that I am making conscious decisions and I'm not just like some angsty or bitter teenager because I can't let go of the past. There is a reason why I feel the way I feel. Justice/Truth: aligned I don't think it's the right thing to do to cut off my mom given that she doesn't have much agency. She didn't have much of a choice on when and who to marry. She had a lot of adverse life circumstances that were out of her control. She never had a career or means of really supporting herself. And finally, she doesn't have any other family members she can really rely on. It's also fucked up to think that at the end of so many tragedies in her life that her one and only daughter will give her the final blow after years of taking care of her and raising her. It hurts me because I feel like I should be strong and suck it up because it's important to take care of family members, specifically if they are your parent. Empathy: aligned sort of (50/50) On one hand there is the empathy that I have for my mom and her experiences which is why I would say that taking care of her is aligned. However, I think it's also important to have empathy for myself as well. Like I'm always trying to meet where my mom is at but I don't do the same for myself. And it's really fucked up on how my sense of empathy can backfire and often times in this dynamic, I find myself showing empathy and understanding someone who doesn't care to understand herself, much less me. Joy: not aligned pretty self explanatory Peace: not aligned My sense of peace of mind would be greatly impacted by a decision like this. Creativity: n/a Connecting with people: not aligned I've had difficulties in the past with maintaining healthy friendships due to my mothers meddling. I have also seen what can happen in the event that my mom doesn't like someone's spouse. She tried to fuck up my uncle's marriage. I also don't want her to influence my child if I decide to have a kid. Learning: n/a Freedom: not aligned I always feel very trapped growing up due to the dynamics in my household to the point where I had really bad anxiety and depression throughout my teens and twenties to where I was suicidal at times. Totals: Not aligned: 6.5 n/a: 2 Aligned: 1.5 Before the exercise, I felt like I had one side that was against this and the other for it and that they were equal in this dichotomy of wanting to be happy vs. wanting to be right. Then out of curiousity, I broke those parts down into my values and realized that this was not an equal dichotomy and that one side had more higher conscious values attached to it compared to the other. I also realized that since Justice and Truth are in the top 3 of my values that it's natural that I put a lot of weight on it. However, it's still important to consider the other values and have a checks and balances of sort. Then I realized that sometimes, when I find myself in the conflict where I feel like I have to choose between doing what's right and doing what will make me happy that odds are that this is the Justice/Truth value butting heads with all the other values that are there. And I think this is a very important realization to have when understanding how I deal with difficult decisions and internal conflict. I also found this video helpful after therapy. I feel like a lot of my sessions were me unravelling my shoulds until my authentic desires and motivations came up to where I could do this exercise: I think it was a good video for me to revist to recap and tie everything together.

pasta croissants the warm sun hitting my face taking a bath working out spending time with friends and my significant other listening to music burning a candle naps journaling fuzzy socks These are just to name a few but I could go on forever

Growing Pains I wrote this about 2 weeks ago. Firstly, I think that one reason why I was feeling this sense of dread was because it was right before my period (I think I got my period the day after the second post). That's not to say that anything that I said and felt while writing this was invalid but it is to say I was probably feeling things more intensely since right before my period, I tend to get a little sad lol. I remember a couple days after my period started I stopped feeling this way. I will say that I do feel more like an adult after having some of these concerns come to the surface. I think it has to do with me settling into adulthood (different from settling down in general) and feeling the weight of financial and familial responsibilities while being aware of the passage of time as it feels different from when you were a kid. I wouldn't say that the weight from the responsibilities feels too heavy or burdensome but more so that I'm aware of it, even though I'm capable of carrying it for the most part. As for the passage of time, it definitely feels different because of the way I don't get time off I did when I was a kid, how I have a "past" to look back at, how a year doesn't feel as long as it used to, and how I'm not intimidated by long term plans of life goals anymore. It has its pros and cons but I wouldn't say the transition is inherently bad or good. But I will say that it does feel a bit weird. Especially since there are people who make edits from 2016 saying "imAGinE bEInG iN HIghsCHOol fROm 2012 to 2016." Don't get me wrong, I'm not delusional enough to say that it wasn't a while back and I'm well aware that I was a freshman in highschool in 2014 10 years ago but at the same time, I don't think it's far back enough to be a vintage aesthetic to be romanticized lol. Idk, maybe the two existential crisis I had that I linked above is just part of the growing pains of being in the real world. I feel like it's similar to the growing pains you have when you're like 14/15 where you get angsty because you're aware of real world issues and you're realizing that the world is a shitty place even though you have half baked ideas on how things function. Except, now instead of just being aware of shitty real world issues and being affected by them to a certain extent because the smell is getting to you, you're actually in the shit this time and you're trying to navigate swimming through that lol. That said, while part of this is normal growing pains, I think a good chunk of this current time is also just unhinged. I'm talking about the pandemic, the plethora of economic issues, climate change, being able to view genocides from your smart phone, having the threat of fascism on the horizon, and just generally speaking having middle class people struggle to get by. I want to acknowledge this and not write this off as growing pains or angst because I remember feeling angsty about the state of the world at like 16/17 while Trump was running for office and got inaugurated. I remember thinking in the back of my mind that *oh maybe I'm just being a dramatic teenager.* But looking back at the stuff that I was writing, sure some of it was half baked (such as idealizing revolution and overthrowing the government as well as how easy it would be to just up and leave the country and get citizenship elsewhere) but a lot of it was based in legitimate concern rather than me just being a teenager. In conclusion, yes I am going through growing pains but also, the world is going through growing pains systemically since late stage capitalism also sucks.

Finally! Granted I haven't been on this forum as much unless I come on here to journal but I remember in the past getting a strong misanthropic vibe from this place as well this desire to transcend humanity. There is this sense that all survival is selfish and bad and that all socialization is just mindless monkey chatter and deception. And while that can be true for situations that aren't very healthy, I think some people on here underestimate the amount of life satisfaction you can get from healthy, loving, and fulfilling relationships with other people even when you aren't perfectly self actualized. I feel like so long as you have a basic sense of self-awareness and are willing to work on yourself and hold yourself accountable that relationships can be smooth for the most part or teach you a lot in terms of things like emotional mastery, other perspectives on life that you haven't considered due to your own limitted experiences, and so much more. I have no interest in transcending my humanity. I did at one point got attached to detachment where I wanted to transcend all of my negative emotions and basic needs. That wasn't coming from a spiritually healthy place and I had to slow down on that. There is a reason why consciousness wants to experience the limitted life you embody, so I say be present in that and build your life in a way that is fulfilling to you, which can be relative because of all types of factors, rather than needing to transcend everything for the sake of truth. And in approaching spirituality in this way, I feel much more connected and fulfilled in my own humanity rather than feeling limitted by it.

Reducing My Media Consumption I had this strong urge a couple weeks back to reduce my media consumption. Various TikTok trends were getting on my nerves and I had the desperate urge to go touch some grass. I decided to vent to my friend about this for like 2 hours to get everything out of my system and then delete the app afterwards. It's been about 2.5 weeks since that happened and I didn't redownload the app. I also reduced the amount of time I spent on Instagram and Youtube as well. I feel a lot calmer now, not that I was anxious before, but in the sense of my mind is clearer and not as cluttered with thoughts. I feel like I'm also more present with my day to day life and I am just enjoying how quiet it is. I ended up getting into this habit of watching TikToks or listening to a YouTube video as I did things like cooking, cleaning, and sometimes working out. I stopped doing that because I am enjoying the silence and just being much more. Sometimes I do put something on and I wind up feeling like this clip and then I turn it off lol. Some things I do instead of scrolling endlessly are working out, going on walks, sitting outside and enjoying the fresh air, and coloring in one of those adult coloring books that I got for Christmas. And of course I cook, clean and do like little self care activities such as face masks and long hot baths. Also sometimes I just sit there and lay under my weighted blanket not doing anything other than observing my thoughts until they calm down and I'm just back to being. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I don't, it just depends on my mood. But over all, I feel great by reducing my media consumption, especially for short form content. I find that watching longer videos doesn't take me out of this calm that I have created for myself but just taking in loads of small amounts of content that I don't find myself consciouslly taking in adds to the constant chatter in my brain.

I'm in a place where I have dealt with most of my neurosis and have created a life that I'm mostly fufilled by. I enjoy the simple pleasures in my life and make time for being. I have a number of fulfilling relationships. And I have a good amount of stability mentally, emotionally, and financially. Now when I think about all the ways that my life can be improved or experiences that I would like, I just keep thinking about the money and a more materialistic form of self-improvement And it kinda bothers me, not because I don't think money is important, but I guess because I don't like it being front and center in my self actualization journey. I also find myself missing the parts of my self-development that focussed on more emotional and spiritual matters. I also wrote about this in my journal and I wanted to include it in this post: I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel kind of nostalgic about the more emotional and spiritual phase of self development I had and I'm not looking forward to a more materialistic form of self improvment where I focus on my career and making more money. I just wanted to vent in this post and wonder if anyone else encountered something similar.

Looking Back at Past Posts Last night I went to my "Contents I Started" tab and I reviewed the threads I started from the time I first joined Actualized.org. This morning, I watched some YouTube videos I posted a while back on this forum that looked interesting and I reviewed some of my previous journal entries. First of all, I wrote a lot in those journal entries and in the threads I started. It did feel a bit overwhelming looking at those blocks of texts but it was nice in a sense because with more data, I can get a better sense of where my mind was at in terms of making sense of whatever discussion I was having. I think I am pretty well thought out in most situations, even when I was confused and figuring things out. That fact alone gives me a sense of confidence for the future. But it also makes me think about how there are so many things that I have now figured out that in the past did take a lot of mental energy to get me to where I am now. The things that I once analyzed carefully and came to my nuanced conclusions are the same things that feels so obvious to me now. And I have to thank my past self for putting in all of that work so that I can have the life and consciousness I have now. I also feel more greatful for my current life. This isn't like a new thought I'm having. There are many times throughout my day where I look at my job, my apartment, my life style, my friends, and my partner and think about how thankful and content I am. Even though I have only been living this way for about 6 months to a year depending on how you want to cut it, my life before feels like a bit of a distant memory because I have normalized this more healthy and slow paced life for myself. But even though it feels like a distant memory, I think my journal posts from the past make it much less distant. The stark contrast from what my life is like now to what my life used to be like when I was a student makes me feel like I'm reading a diary from someone else, a past life even. In a way, I feel kind of detached from the state of consciousness I was in back then even though the proximity of time is relatively close if that makes sense. Because I'm mainly looking at posts from August 2021 to August 2022 and onwards. That was like 2.5 to 1.5 years ago. But I feel like life has changed so drastically for the better in a very material, tangible way. I remember at the time back in 2021/2022 feeling like I did so much inner work but feeling like I had nothing tangible in my life to show for it and how as a result I felt like I was in a hamsterwheel of self help. Like I was sitting there wondering where the fruits of my labor were. And now, I wish I could go back and say that hey, you don't have to wait too long (plus the fruits taste really good). I really feel like I'm in a place in my life where I'm enjoying the fruits of my emotional labor. Looking back, I did put in a lot of labor and I'm proud of myself for that and all of the sorting shit out that my past self did. I'm so happy that she brought me to where I am now. And this also gives me hope for the future that the things that I write and have an existential crisis about will one day feel very obvious rather than pressing and that I will figure things out in due time.

Additional Income Benefits of having an extra $2000 each month: can rely on that money and it will cover all of my bills so I won't have to worry about that >> all my money from my job can go towards savings, retirement, and other financial goals ease anxieties around inflation so I can keep up If I move to a larger, walkable city it can cover rent and I won't have to worry about that when making decisions will help me deal with the pay cut i will get for the time being when pursuing my life purpose will give me more stability in case of economic downturns of if something happens to my job (won't have all of my eggs in one basket) will give me more options when it comes to taking time off of working (i.e. taking time off to get further education, having a child down the road etc.)

All that said. I have been thinking about the benefits of having a passive income or some kind of side hustle. I have an excel sheet that I have been using to track my expenses for over a year and I think making an extra $2000 a month would be helpful. It would pretty much cover like 90% of my expenses and the rest of my money that I make from my job can go towards things like savings, investments, and my retirement accounts. How realistic is this goal of making an extra $2000 a month? What are some ideas?

Yes. The best way I can describe it is imagine being a student who generally loves school and the whole process of education. You go to all of your classes and do well. You do your homework. But then there is that one subject that you kinda hate and you want to procrastinate on the homework for. So you procrastinate by doing other homework that has been piling up and is quite frankly more interesting. And then you're done with that one but you still have homework from that subject you don't like. That's a good way of thinking about it. Thank you. I feel like this helps

Just a couple videos I liked

@Argonaut I'm in Dallas

24 F South Asian Have been here since I was 20. I'm mainly in the journaling section now.

I have been following this channel for years and I think you'll like it The Finanacial Diet talks about money in a way that is relavent to cultural trends and the current economy. They also have more of a socialist leaning and I find their critique on the way things are right now and how to respond much more empathetic, nuanced, and well rounded than the ultra liberatarian approach sToP sPENdiNG mOnEY oN avoCADo toAST type financial gurus that are out there. I feel like they did a lot in terms of helping me get to having healtheir spending habits as well as a better mindset around money that helps me critically evaluate things before jumping on them.

The Dread Normally I like the time around New Years because I love a good new beginning and since I'm a Scorpio rising, I love a good rebirth and reinvention. But for some reason I find myself feeling this sense of dread with 2024. I briefly journaled about this last night in my notes section and I did talk about this in my post about working a corporate job for one year. And then I listened to Landslide and cried to that for a little bit before forcing myself to fall asleep at 2 am. I started crying because I started thinking of my parents dying, especially my dad because he is the only family member who I feel like I can connect to. I also started thinking about aging and how my mom wanted a baby and had less expectations of me when I was a baby and toddler and honestly liked me more. As I got older even though I like the person I'm growing into, my mom definitely doesn't feel the same way and I fall short of all of her standards and she can't relate to me and I can't ever go back to the version of myself that was more easily lovable in her eyes. Then I caught myself getting nostalgic over a childhood i didn't really have. I remember growing up the adults around me telling me to not rush into growing up and to enjoy the simplier times where you don't have to worry about anything. And I get it now. I feel like since moving out on my own, even though I can easily afford my lifestyle, I feel like I'm hyper aware of how much everything costs and my own sense of survival financially and politically. Don't get me wrong, I was still worried about these types of things growing up since I was 11 ish but I guess the thought of supporting myself financially was this abstract idea rather than something more tangible. I remember growing up having it drilled into me that if I don't do well in school, I won't get a good job, and if I don't get a good job, I'm going to be struggling for the rest of my life. So I was pretty anxious about things like grades, long term future plans, and what I was going to do in my life because in my elementary school logic, if I don't get a good education, I won't get into the advanced classes and stand out. And if I don't know what I want to do with my life, I wouldn't know what advanced placement classes to take which will affect my college applications and later my job prospects. Not to mention all the abuse from my parents I was subjected to growing up because there was only so much I could do to stand up for myself at 12. I say all this to say that when grown ups would tell me that childhood was a carefree time I would roll my eyes because of the pressure that was put on me. I wouldn't say that I'm the type to experience a lot of nostalgia because I feel like as I grow up and develop myself and get more responsibility and autonomy in my life, I find that life gets better. But while I'm more carefree now in a lot of ways, I do miss not being financially hyper aware and not understanding current events and how they can impact me. I remember growing up having the news in the background talk about various conflicts in the Middle East and everyone talking about the recession but in my 8-12 year old mind, there was a part of me that was like *well idk what's going on exactly but I'm sure the adults will take care of it and I'll be fine.* And now I'm the adult that's expected to take care of it and maintain myself. The anxiety I had about survival and maintaining myself when I was in school was for the future while the economic anxieties I have now are in the present. This might also have to be with the phase of self development I'm in but I miss not being as aware of baseline monetary survival in terms of my self development. I remember before so much of my self development was on things like dealing with various forms of trauma and becoming more self confident, and figuring out my values and ideals for my life. I did go through that and I put in the work in the past and I'm in a very good place in my life regarding being a well adjusted adult who makes good decisions and has their priorities straight. And I think at this point of I guess leveling up my life, so much of it has to do with making more money. My life is pretty great now and I'm content with my life but when I think of making my life better, I think of the following things: Travelling more = $$ Potentially going to grad school= $$$$$$$$$$$$$ Transitioning into a career in journalism= $$$ (the concern of money comes from the chance that I might not be making as much as I'm making now or a livable wage. I don't have a super lavish life now but I do like having a cushion and the peace of mind of living well below my means and that's on how much I'm making now. And I don't really want to make less than I make now because I'm used to my current salary.) Passive income so that I don't ever have to worry about the bills = $$$ Having an apartment in a walkable city that I can comfortably afford = $$$$$$$$$$$ Affording to buy a house or apartment in a decade or so = $$$$$$$$$$$ Being able to afford a kid down the road and maybe be a stay at home parent for a couple years = $$$$$$$$$ Having money to get a hair cut and ocassionally get a facial or mani pedi and go to fancy restaurants (I can afford this now but I feel a little weird about spending money in superflous ways given my income even though it's not that bad).= $ I also caught myself thinking about 2014-2016 a lot today. It feels crazy to think that 2014 was 10 years ago because it doesn't feel that way to me. I guess it's because sometimes I feel like a 17 year old, that is until I talk to an actual 17 year old. And I also think about how I thought shit was crazy in 2016 and things have gotten crazier since, from countless scandals from the Trump presidency that caused me to disassociate from the news and current events from 2018-2019, to a pandemic, an insurrection, me losing my bodily autonomy to get an abortion, and multiple genocides that the U.S. is complicit in. I remember a couple months ago asking my parents if the world has always been this crazy and I'm just old enough to understand this now. I was trying to draw a comparison from the 90s and 2000s vs everything post 2015. I was 15 in 2015 and I think that was the age when I started being more aware of my surroundings and that's when Trump started running. So it's like, is the craziness just coinciding with the age that I started becoming more aware or was it always crazy and I was just not aware of it before? And my parents were like, no, shit was more chill back then even though there was chaos, people weren't as polarized and things didn't get this bad in terms of the middle class standard of living and fascism. Speaking of which, I remember back when I was a kid that Homer Simpson was supposed to be framed a babbling idiot who was not doing great for his life. He works a dead end job in the powerplant, his neighbors have nicer things than him. But now, it's like... *damn, maybe Homer is doing good for himself. He owns his house and is able to support a family of five and takes care of his dad all from a powerplant job.* And I think this has to do with how typical milestones for a middle class life has eroded to where they seem like luxuries. Like why tf are all the affordable homes getting bought and rented out leaving us with having to buy a house for more than half a million dollars. When I think of a million dollar home, the 2000s kid imagines a palace, not a two story house with a pool. My boomer dad even notices this. Also, as I'm writing this down, I find myself thinking about this post I saw a while back that said "adulthood is when your mood is tied to the economy." I'm also thinking of this video: The line that's hit me is "But don't be stupid. You have responsibility, not wisdom. And that's gonna show." And I also think of this tiktok as well: I don't really know how to end this post. I hope the meeting I have set up with my financial advisor in a couple weeks goes well.

Media Consumption Analysis 2023 I was looking for my media consumption analysis journal entry for 2022 and I guess I just never did one lol. Back in 2021, I had 3 posts on this topic where I discuss life experience content, video essays, and self improvement. I feel like I still occupy the same categories in my media diet but the ratio of it is different. I feel like I take in mostly video essay content. I think I watch maybe something more self improvement related like a couple times a week or so. And life experience content is kind of sprinkled in there at random to where I can't say that any particular creator sticks out a lot. As I look into a good chunk of my subscriptions, most of them are video essay channels. I wouldn't say that I found myself hyperfocussing on any one channel rather I just watch videos as I find interesting. I have also been watching a lot of content from Vaush because I think his takes are pretty well rounded and the topics he covers are informative. Basically, this year I have mainly been focussing on enjoying my hobbies and interest and letting me living my life be the thing that develops me rather than content. Nevertheless, I went ahead and attached a document with my youtube subscriptions since the picture wasn't showing up correctly when I tried to insert it to this post. I will say that I have been watching a lot of things on Tiktok. It's hard to really capture what my consumption was like because people typically watch things on their for you page rather than just the people they are subscribed to. I did catch myself getting some early symptoms of chronically online brainrot in the last month or so. As a result, I went ahead and deleted the app. Going forward in 2024, I want to be more offline because I'm at a point where the internet feels like it's distorting my sense of reality and that certain popular trends are getting on my nerves so I think it's time for me to touch grass lol. youtube subscriptions 2023.docx

To Do List 1/5 Figure out boundaries with family and discuss the following topics in therapy: My relationship with my dad and my takeaways from the trip Legacy Trauma: My therapist explained that this is something I have after I explained some of the things I explained in my main journal. What healthy interdependence looks like + just do a brief check up on my relationship with my boyfriend and friends. My feelings around having kids: I have been thinking about this for quite some time but I think working with a professional would be a good idea. How to deal with family relationships going forward + what certain conversations look like. Get a haircut: I've been looking like an egg recently lol and I want to also try something new. Be more aligned with my values: Start volunteering at a homeless shelter Learn to engage with right wing people Plan out your trip to Washington D.C. and your month long trip in the later part of the year. Get that promotion at work (will be in June/July) Contribute more to your team meetings and gain more expertise in the software I specialize in. Start meal prepping so you aren't always eating girl dinners: I started doing like a Hello Fresh meal kit once a month so that I can introduce myself to new recepies here and there and I think it's been helping. Research your career in journalism more: also part of the preparing for D.C trip

Things I Want to Discuss in Therapy Just a little mental check list My relationship with my dad and my takeaways from the trip. Legacy Trauma: My therapist explained that this is something I have after I explained some of the things I explained above. What healthy interdependence looks like + just do a brief check up on my relationship with my boyfriend and friends. Where to go with my family relationships. My feelings around having kids: I have been thinking about this for quite some time but I think working with a professional would be a good idea.

My Trip with my Dad The trip that I took to the northeast was interesting because this was the first time that I travelled with my dad. Normally, I feel a sense of dread when it comes to the topic of travelling with my family but I thought I'd give it a chance because I have never done it before and because I thought that it would give me more clarity on how I feel about my family overall. Here are some of my take aways: I might not have super fuzzy feeling toward my dad but I can tolerate him and I enjoy being in his presance. It's safe to say that much of what made travelling and even living with my family difficult was my mom and the ick vibes that largely come from her. I can't help but wonder what my relationship to my dad would be like if my mom didn't influence the dynamic. Compared to my mom, I have more of a basis on the relationship I have with my dad as he did take more time out to cultivate that. He is also someone that I can go to, not really emotionally but more so logistically if I get into a difficult situation because I know he can handle it and not freak out on me. I feel safe with him on that regard and that alone helped me get closer to him growing up. He also managed both his South Asian identity and his living circumstances well and he was a huge help in me figuring out how to navigate life as a South Asian person living in the U.S. since he immigrated here in his early 20s and went to college here. And this also helped my friends as well since most South Asian kids often feel like they were at odds when it came to their home life and life outside of home. I atleast had one parent that was accommodating and understanding. I can have enjoyable surface level conversations and intellectually engage with him which does a lot to make me feel like I can confide in him and open up to him regarding my thoughts especially compared to my mom. However, after having a couple conversations, I realized that my dad can't guide me on making life long fulfilling decisions because quite frankly, he hasn't reflected on his life until his 60s and didn't think about his decisions before making them. For one, I feel like we operate very differently because I have a very carefully thought out person. While he does have a basic sense of self awareness in being able to admit when he's wrong, read and understand things about people, and not behave like a total psychopath, introspection is not something that is well developped in his tool kit and I find that absolutely wild. That said, I do think there is something I can learn from my dad and his sense of impulsivity since it did pay out in various areas of his life, mainly when it comes to his career, finances, and living situation. However, this sense of impulsivity was awful for his marriage and other relationships in his personal life. He rushed into an arranged marriage with my mom and he was one of those people who tried to have a baby, me, to fix the marriage. And there is a part of me where even though I don't have a super amazing relationship with my dad, where I can talk to my dad about a lot of deep topics and emotionally open up to him, I still cling on to it because it's the only family realtionship I have that I can tolerate. I'm definitely going to explore more of this in therapy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I also wrote about other feelings I was getting that is related to how I feel about my family. This is from my notes section on my phone: I have unpacked a lot of this in therapy and I have been unpacking the guilt that I have regarding the conclusion that I have reached regarding the relationship I have with my mom. A lot of the guilt comes from how mothers are held to a stricter standard for parenting compared to fathers and how we also hold mothers to a pedastal because of the higher standards. I don't want to have a bias against my mom because she is a woman and because I have some type of internalized misogyny that I'm reflecting back at her. As a woman, I understand a lot of the pain she has gone through and I can see parts of myself in her to where I think that I would have ended up like her if I was simply born in a different time. And even though I'm not a mother, I can still empathize with the sacrifices she has made and how hard of a job it is to be a mother. However, as her daughter, I'm still in pain and I'm still angry because of the things she has put me through and that is valid as well. And unfortunately, I don't think I can continue to have a relationship with her, I don't know what that will look like in the long term practically and I'm still coming to terms with this realization but this is something that I'm going to be exploring more in therapy. Speaking of which, the pain I feel from a lack of guidance in my life seems to be a common theme in a lot of my interpersonal relationships and the sense of lonliness I feel in adulthood. That is also something I'm exploring more in therapy. I have explained this in the context of my family but it also shows up in my friendships in the way that part of me clings onto my friends for that sense of guidance in difficult times and gains fufillment from in a normal situation. But it still doesn't fill the void because my friends are my age and we're in similar life stages and I wish I had someone older and wiser to guide me and give a bigger perspective. This desire for guidance is also a common theme that shows up in the emotional needs of my inner teenager and how I look back at my former self. Basically, there was a lot that I had to figure out alone as a teenager and while I was proud of that growing up because I thought that it made me mature of my age, as I got older I realized that it was kind of fucked up that I had to deal with so many difficult things all by myself and how I couldn't go to my parents for guidance. I also dealt with and worked through a past of hyperindependence and I guess I moved the pendulum a smidge too far in the opposite direction which has left me with a sensitvity of being alone at times when I deal with difficult things emotionally here and there.

My Trip to the North East I travelled during the holidays to Boston and then made my way up to Maine, went to Vermont and New Hampshire, and went back down to Boston to fly back to Dallas. I was gone for about a week. I flew out of Dallas on 12/22 and got back on 12/30. Boston had a dark academia vibe to it due to the weather and the presance of the numerous universities in the area. I caught myself getting a little nostalgic about my time at school since I am missing the same degree of intellectual stimulation from my day job but the stress of school was still very much fresh in my mind since I was a student just last year. I definitely got strong Catholic vibes from this place likely due to the prevalance of the Irish and Italian communities. I saw a couple of cathedrals and I went into an art museaum that gave off a very Catholic vibe aesthetically, which I'm here for because I find the Protestant aesthetic to be boring lol. Speaking of which, I enjoyed the architechture of the city and given that this is the second time I have visted Boston, the last time being when I was 7 years old meaning there is only so much I remember, and I am visiting after travelling to the UK, it has been interesting to be able to pick out the England vibe from New England. I also really enjoyed the public transportation there as well as the general sense of walkability of course. I enjoyed some Italian food here and the best lobster roll I've ever had. I've enjoyed the lobster during my trip in Boston and in Maine and quite frankly, I feel like it has less to do with the freshness and more to do with how they just know how to prepare the lobster better over there. I had a lobster roll a few months back in Dallas, and while it scratched an itch, I found myself drowning it in tarter sauce because it didn't taste seasoned enough. That was most definitely not the case in New England lol. In Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire, my dad and I drove around and visited the small Christmas towns in the area as well as looked at the Christmas lights. I was honestly going for a Hallmark card vibe with this trip because I wanted to tune into the festivity of Christmas more. However, rather than a Hallmark card, I got more of a Nightmare Before Christmas vibe. By that I mean that I didn't get much snow as I hoped but I did get a lot of fog which among all the lights and Christmas decor, gave these small towns a festive yet spooky vibe. I still really enjoyed it. The drive through these states were very sceanic. The buildings have a historic small town feel to it that gave it a very calming, cozy, and quaint atmosphere. I definitely started understanding why the main characters in the Hallmark movies always found themselves falling in love and wanting to settle into these small towns and leave their big city life behind lol. I can honestly see myself doing to same once I get much older but for now, I think I want to live in a larger city. We also saw some beautiful landscapes in our drives, from the seashore and light houses in Maine, to the mountain ranges in Vermont and New Hamspire, and the little bit of snow we saw in Vermont. We also briefly visted some national parks as well. I was a little surprised by how rural these 3 states were. Vermont especially felt small because we were able to cover much of the state within a couple of days (versus how whenever you drive through Texas, you're going to be stuck in Texas for a while lol). Their capitol Montpelier has only 8000 residents. I guess I have a tendency with associating the north east with a bustiling urban environment due to cities like New York City, Boston, and Philidelphia as well as due to the progressive politics. But no, they have a lot of little towns in these areas. We stayed in an inn in Maine, Hallmark style lol, and it was in a small town with less than 10,000 people. The town was pretty walkable and the inn was so cozy. I enjoyed curling up next to the fire place and doing some of my office work from there. I also got to talking to an older couple that lived in New Hampshire. The older man eventually started talking about family values and how it's one of those things that he's passionate about. My knee jerk reaction was to think of family values in the right-wing Judeo-Christian way but I was pleasantly surprised when he started talking about the matter from a more left wing perspective that I personally resonatted with. The older lady who was in charge of the inn also talked about getting multiple COVID booster shots. I say all of this to say that while I was mainly in a very rural area much like the ones you find in the South or around Texas, there was definitely a very different vibe despite these states lacking in diversity. I guess there is a big difference redneck country and lumberjack country lol. It's kind of like when people talk about how things are the same thing but in a different font. Except in this case, it's like different things in the same font. Sure they can look the same on the surface, but they have a very different vibe. But once I got back to Dallas, the whole place felt huge and urban compared to where I was in the last few days. Over all, I enjoyed the trip. I found it to be very refreshing to get out of the Dallas area and go somewhere I had never been to before. It was nice to be in a sceanic, small, rural, but quaint and peaceful area. It was also nice to be able to walk places too lol (you know how much I like my walkable cities).

1 Year Working in my Corporate Job Today marks the 1 year anniversary of me getting hired at my current place of employment. I went to bed with this overwhelming feeling of dread despite this year going well for me. And I just want to reflect on my that may be so. I think part of it is that I'm still getting used to the flow of things. While I have gotten into a routine on a daily, weekly, and monthly level a while back, I think a part of me is still adjusting to getting into a routine in a larger scale of things in terms of years since I have only been working full time for a year now compared to the 16+ years I have spent being a student. This sense of dread isn't a foriegn one. I think the last time I felt this was when I was around 4 years old. I remember on a Sunday morning, I walked over to my parents after brushing my teeth and they asked me if I was ready to go back to school tomorrow. I didn't reply with a yes or no rather I asked them how many more times I would have to go to school since I have gone to school for 2 weeks now. My mom then explained how I will need to graduate high school which is another 12 years and then I will go to college for 4 years and then another 2 years for a masters degree. I remember 4 year old me feeling dizzy and overwhelmed with this information as I was using my little fingers to add up the years and then compaing how I've only been alive for 4 years. I remember thinking about how graduating high school and college felt like they were life times away from me. And because I was still adjusting to school, I remember going to my room, laying there for a little bit, going through the motions of the rest of the day, and then I cried myself to sleep because going to school for that long felt dreadful to me. That's not to say that I didn't like school at all. If anything, I remember as a kid wanting to go to school even on a Saturday at times so that I could play with the other kids and see what else I can learn. But there were things at school that annoyed me, from the teachers that would do the most, to the gross kids that always had snot coming out of their noses. I can see the parallels of this in my relationship to work. The thought of me working til I am in my 60s feels dreadful and overwhelming and as a 20 somthing, it feels like it's life times away from me. I will say that I am enjoying my working life more than school because it is less stressful and I have more free time to pour into other areas of my life but there are things in my job that do get on my nerves. I guess what my sense of dread is saying is this: "Damn... is this my life now? Am I going to be doing this (not necessarily working at my current job but just working full time in general) for another 40 years?? Like this year has already felt long, how am I going to deal going forward? I've heard from my friends who have been working a little longer than I have that the first year after college that you are working always feels the longest. But after that you get used to it and then things start going by fast. I'm also not naive to think that every day at work is going to be amazing and that I won't have phases where I don't like my job or that I'm not enthusiastic to work. I understand things can come up but as an adult, I still have responsibilities I need to fulfill even if I don't really feel like it. Another factor that I think is coming up is that the last few months have been rough on me in terms of my motivation to work. October and November came with my work load doubling because of restructuring in the company. I know that sounds dramatic, but it wasn't that bad considering I have a pretty chill job. Still, it came with some adjustments I needed to make to my workflow and my boundaries and I also had to learn how to use another software in addition to the one I already knew. On top of that, I was grieving and processing a lot regarding the number of genocides that's been going on and the last thing I wanted to do was argue with Barbara over check numbers while the world was on fire around me. Everything felt really pointless and I think it further solidfied my understanding that this is not a place that I can work at for an extended period of time. My plan is to get a couple promotions and then leave to pursue something that is more meaningful for me. Because the additional work load and the additional responsibilities I would get after a couple of promotions also fill me with this sort of dread. While I like the tasks at my job, I don't like the subject matter and that affects my motivation to continue on learning and growing. By December, while I reached a point where I have processed much of my grief and emotions, the holidays came around and that sapped my motivation to work in a different way. I didn't want to work. I wanted to curl up in a blanket as the days got shorter and spend time with family and friends. It also felt weird not having a long Christmas break or Thanksgiving break. I felt irritated the days leading up to Thanksgiving and Christmas wondering why tf I was at work and then I felt really irritated the day after when I had to return to work. I caught myself feeling more nostalgic during Christmas than in previous years. I think during high school and college I was too stressed and burnt out to be feeling the holiday cheer because I had exams during that time and by the time Christmas break rolled around, my energy levels crashed. I started thinking of all the little things that I did during Christmas as a little kid like making cookies, decorating the Christmas tree, putting up lights around the house, getting Christmas gifts for everyone etc. and how I didn't continue all of that because I eventually got the gist that my family didn't particularly care and that they were just humoring me as a small child so that my hopes didn't crash. I don't mean to say that in a harsh way rather it has more to do with my parents coming from India and Bangladesh where Christmas isn't that big and because they aren't Christian and the reason why I was invested into Christmas was because I grew up in the U.S. and I just wanted to be a part of the festivities the other kids in my class were in (and also, who doesn't love decorating a cookie or making an ornament). But yeah, those memories did make me a little sad and it made me not want to work. I did feel better after attending a couple of Christmas parties, decorating a house plant in my apartment, and making some cookies and brownies with my friends. I also took a trip with my dad to the New England States over Christmas. I enjoyed travelling up there and I will make a post about that as well on here. Even though I felt refreshed after that trip, I still didn't feel motivated to jump back into work. Maybe it's the build up of the last few months of me not being motivated and that just needs to phase out. Maybe I'm still adjusting to the yearly flow of not being in school anymore. Maybe I'm just having an existential crisis of me working in corporate for a year and not knowing what's in store in the years to come (as a result I ended up stalking the linked in profiles of people I knew from college, which then devolved into me lurking on the people I went to high school with lol). But hey, I feel a lot better after writing all of this out in my journal and after taking a short nap during my lunch break. I wonder how these emotions will unfold in the coming weeks and how my year will unfold careerwise in the year to come.

The American Education System (and Just Society as a Whole) I can't believe I haven't written about this especially since I have talked to a lot of my friends about this topic. The education system as it is right now is giving me an existential crisis in terms of having a kid. I have seen a lot of accounts of teachers expressing what they are encountering in schools in this post pandemic world and it's very concerning. A lot of these kids are so behind in terms of literacy that you have middle schoolers who are reading at a 3rd grade level. I mean you can most definitly say that a lot of it probably had to do with online learning, something that even I as a college student struggled with but I recognize that it's so much worse when you have trouble retaining basic and fundamental information and literacy as a small child. However, it's important to recognize that it's not just COVID. You have the impact of the no child left behind policy where kids are being passed along when they haven't gotten the skills they need to go to the next level causing things to snowball and them to be even more confused and behind in years to come. You have how teachers are constantly burnt out and can't even pay their bills much less educate kids properly even if they wanted to (honestly, whenever I find out that someone I knew has become a teacher or a nurse, I immediately think they are in the trenches). Then you have the influence of politics and anti-intellectualism with all of their book bans and fear mongering. And of course, even if you aren't a facist, this rage against teachers and the education system is trickling down and causing people to disrespect teachers even less causing more uproar in classrooms and little Tommy can't get disciplined because the teacher is villanized when they tell his parents he's misbehaving because the parents think Tommy is a perfect angel. Not to mention the school shootings and other people's feral kids who are probably feral because their parents are neglecting them by shoving an ipad in their face or by doing gentle parenting incorrectly where they just don't have any boundaries or structure with their kid. And honestly, sometimes you can't even blame the parents because they're probably working multiple jobs to pay the bills because we live in a cost of living crisis and they probably just want an hour or two of peace while they get dinner ready and decompress. And of course these kids don't see hope for the future and the thought of wanting to get higher education because that shit is expensive and they can tell that life is going to shit and it's really hard to have aspirations to guide you and ground you so you have something to work towards under these conditions. The parent's aren't okay, the teachers aren't okay, and the children are definitely not okay. I'm not going to blame the children in this situation. They're just here and no generation is inherently feral lol. But socially there is a lot of things happening at this time and schooling is not exempt from that. And while being child free is becoming more accepted nowadays, I also think that there are still a lot of parents who don't put much thought into having kids. There are people who treat having kids as a think to mark off their bucket list, or treat having a baby as a cute little accessory / mini me. And of course you have the people who are just recklessly having sex as well. So there are definitely parents out there who didn't go into this thinking about the educational implications of how they are going to raise their child from their basic literacy to things like higher education and extracurriculars. And I just think it's buck wild to not think of these things because it's just so different from the way that I grew up. Having a good education was front and center of how my parents were raising me. Though I will admit that they went overboard to where they had unrealistic expectations that were abusive and they could have also focused on other areas of my development, the bottom line is that my education was prioritized. It was prioritized in the form of being sent to private schools because the schools in my area weren't that great, my mom sitting with me as I did my homework, doing other school related activities outside of school, travelling, and having college being an expectation. And when I hear about these accounts and these kids, I honestly think about the amount of privilege I had in this upbringing and how that has shaped me not only into who I am today and the opportunities I have, but also my ability to make effective, well thought out decisions in my life. And honestly, sometimes I wonder if I decide to have a kid if I would be able to provide for them in the same way in terms of giving them a quality education, whether it be public or private, and travelling with them. I think that on top of being able to sustain having a kid, there are added costs on the quality of life that I want to give my child especially in these conditions where certain life styles aren't as accessible as they once were in say the early 2000s for example. On top of that, my dad was self employed and worked like 20 hours a week and my mom was a stay at home mom during my early childhood. I also had relatives who helped my mom take care of me when I was an infant. I had a lot of time with my family and while I have a good bit of trauma, being materially neglected or neglected from the attention of my parents because they weren't around or they were too tired to engage with me is not one of them. And I don't know if I will have similar circumstances that will give me that community and financial support to raise a kid well. And then of course you have the health care system and issues around maternity leave, the cost of life in general, the lack of community, and the possibility of me bearing most of the load in raising the kid. I sometimes feel like having a child feels out of reach even if I wanted one because I feel like I have to marry really rich to give my child the life deserve and / or move to another country like New Zealand and uproot my entire life so that my child doesn't have to be raised in the U.S. Unless I'm rich or I marry rich, it's hard for me to think of raising a kid in the U.S. Like there are some serious changes that need to happen in this country before I think of bringing a child into this world. I'm talking universal healthcare, gun regulations, affordable higher education, better wages, a reformed school system, etc. and a big part of me thinks that it's unlikely that all of this will happen within the next 10 or so years. So even if I have what it takes to be a good parent and even if I have a desire to be a parent, systemically things feel like they are stacked against me and my ability to provide a good life for my kid. And that is a horrible thought to have in my opinion. I know we talk about being pro-choice in terms of having rights to an abortion but also, I think being pro-choice includes the choice to have a child and alleviate the decisions that can sway the decision of people who would otherwise want to be a parent but is afraid that they can't provide for their kid once they bring them to this world. Advocating for better wages and working conditions so that people can be with their family in a healthy way is pro-choice. Advocating for maternity and paternity leave is pro-choice. Advocating for proper education is pro choice. Anything that can improve the living conditions of even the people who are living right now, is pro choice.

The Aesthetic of Womanhood I have written in the past about my thoughts around womanhood and adulthood in general. I have some more thoughts that I want to expand on. I touch on how part of the reason I don't feel like an adult isn't because I'm not measuring up to adult responsibilities rather because I feel like I don't fit the aesthetics of adulthood. I feel like I've unpacked a lot of that limitting belief, however, I feel like there has been a greater emphasis on how I feel like I don't fit the aesthetics of womanhood lately. I've been having some weird feelings around my gender where sometimes I feel like a blob rather than a woman. Like I can accept myself and see myself as a girl and an adult but for some reason not a woman. As my nonbinary friends like to say "Gender is a performance and I have forgotten my lines." I feel like lately I've grounded myself in this regard and touched some grass but I still wanted to spill everything in a journal post. Basically it started like this: I started watching some self care videos because I find it relaxing to listen to them in the background. A lot of it were just people talking about their skincare routine, their shower routine, etc. And then the algorithm did its thing and I started getting recommeded these "beauty maintenance videos" where women would talk about their extensive beauty practices beyond showering and skincare. These include but aren't limitted to getting your lashes done, getting your nails done every two weeks, getting a facial once a month by an esthetician, getting waxed, and even in come cases botox and filler. There was also an emphasis on dressing in a classy old money style mainly made of neutral clothing in simple but fitted silhouettes. And all of this was in the name of elevating yourself to become the woman of your dreams and glowing up. Me finding this type of content also coincided with my birthday. Normally, I do get the birthday blues but this year that just didn't happen (rather I had the genocidal blues but that's another topic I have covered previously). Instead, I caught myself feeling a heightened insecurity about my appearance as someone who was turning 24. It wasn't about aging rather it was about how there are things about my appearance that I am still insecure about since I was 13/14 years old. I still do to a certain extent feel like that teenager that is still waiting for that glow up. A glow up back then simply meant becoming hot after puberty. It meant getting taller, having your weight get distributed in a less awkward way, learning how to dress, getting clearer skin after the hormonal acne cleared up, getting your braces removed etc. For me, glowing up in a lot of ways connected to me losing weight. And even after all these years, I never lost that extra chub, rather I probably added more to it as my body transitioned from having a narrower adolescent frame to a larger womanly frame. And by that I mean that in addition to probably gaining some fat I also gained a lot of muscle and my shoulders and hips did get wider. I notice this a lot more when I'm volunteering with teenagers where a normal to slightly chubby teenager still looks smaller than a 20 something that is quite thin purely because the teenager's bodies haven't finished growing. While that observation does help in the way that I tone down the unrealistic standards I hold myself at times, in the end of the day, the fact still remains, I am bigger than when I was when I was 14 and starving myself. If I was too big then, I am a monster now. To tie everything together, my insecurities were flaring up a bit around my birthday around the time I found a lot of the glow up/ beauty maintenance content. And as someone who still felt like a teenager who didn't become hot after puberty and who doesn't feel like an adult due to aesthetic reasons and who is watching these grown women have these intensive beauty routines, the content started affecting my psyche. I also think that me being on my own and financailly independent is a factor because even though I wanted to do some things like getting my eyebrows done, I either didn't have the money or my parents would have stopped me. But basically, through this content, I felt a little pressured to have a "beauty maintence routine" even if it was expensive as fuck just to feel more like a woman who appeared more, elegant, classy, and sophisticated, adjectives that I don't think really apply to me but that I associate with being a woman. I honestly feel like I need to touch grass and this video knocked some sense into me tbh on how niche this really is and how fiscially unattianable this is for most people especially in this economy.

Proximity to Violence And here is that post (plus some more). I'm just going to talk about some of the things that I encountered over the past year. Almost Got into a Lethal Car Crash I was driving home from a date with my boyfriend back in March. As I was approaching downtown, there were a lot of heavy rain. It was sprinkling from where I left but as I got closer to downtown, the rain was getting pretty heavy. Anyone in the Dallas area knows that the highway downtown is really chaotic and confusing. You can't just take an exit and get out because the exits will route you towards other routes. My windshield wipers were on max but my windows were also getting fogged up from inside no matter what I did. I felt like I was driving on the highway half blind. On top of that, there was also part of my route that was dealing with a lot of flooding. I drove by 3 cars down town that were either broken down or crashed as I tried not to think of myself having a similar fate. I got out of the highway as soon as I could and parked next to a gas station. I called my dad and told him about this situation and that I pulled over to collect myself and that I'm going to take the long way home via service roads instead of getting back on the highway. The first thing I said was that I'm alright because I wouldn't be surprised if I made him jump considering the weather and how long it was taking for me to get home. I didn't want his first thought to be that something happened to me. About 10 minutes later, I started back driving home. I felt safer than when I was on the highway but I had a tense uneasiness in the back of my mind as I proceeded cautiously. My boyfriend normally messages me to let me know when he got home safely. I didn't get that notification yet and I knew that he should be home by now judging by where he is and where he lived. I couldn't help but wonder if something happened to him. I kept telling myself as I was driving that I don't know anything for sure. He might also just be fine. I tried to stay focussed and told myself "Hey, you can freak out once you get home and check your phone then, but now you need to focus on getting yourself home safely. You just need to hold on for 30 more minutes" Those 30 minutes felt like forever. I was tempted to speed up on these empty service roads since there weren't many cars present and because I wanted to get home and end this as soon as possible. But I kept going at a slow and reasonable speed because even though my impulses suggested otherwise, I knew better and I wasn't going to do something reckless just because I was anxious. I passed two more cars that were also broken down on the side of the road which served as an additional reminder to hold it together. I eventually got to a red light. It was a four land road, two on my side and two on the other, and there were 3 cars in right lane right behind me. As I was patiently waiting for the red light to turn green, I saw from the corner of my eye a car that was coming out of the highway that showed no signs of slowing down, much less stopping. When the light finally turned green, I did not move. The cars behind me started honking, irritated about the hold up because no one wanted to be in the storm and just get home as soon as possible. I stood my ground because regardless if I was right or wrong about the car speed from the highway, I'd rather bee a nuisance for 3 seconds than to deal with thousands of dollars in damages, or worse, get hurt or get another person hurt. And I was right. The car from the highway didn't stop and ran the red light. Had I gone, they would've either hit me or the car behind me in a high speed from the driver's side. Someone could have died. I tried to keep a calm and level head after all of this. I kept telling myself that I cannot freak out now and I just have to hold it together for 10 more minutes. I did just that and once I got home I called my boyfriend to make sure he was alright. He picked up the phone and I told him about my drive back, sobbing as I let myself feel the full extent of my fear and how terrified I was for my life from the time I got to downtown, to the cars that I kept seeing that were on the side after crashing into something, to the car that almost hit me at a high speed. All of this was on a Thrusday night and I still had work the next day. I forced myself to go to work and then I let myself process this situation over the weekend. ------------------------------------ The Allen Outlet Mall Shooting I did multiple posts on this matter but basically my friends live near the mall and my friend's uncle worked in the mall. That man saw everything. He saw people get shot and killed and knew one of the victims. Basically, I was 2 connections away from a mass shooting victim and that fucked with my head. ------------------------------------ The Suicide at the Gun Range I was catching up with a friend in August and she was telling me about some of the stuff going on in her life. She talked to me about how her boyfriend's friend has a few friends who work in a gun range. A couple weeks back, there was a sketchy looking guy who walked into the gun range and tried to kill himself. The bullet likely richoted off something and somehow hit one of the employees there who died instantly. My friend and her boyfriend went to the scene and saw his boyfriend's friend lying on the ground while his other friend was trying to give him CPR. I have met the guy who was giving CPR once and I met my friend's boyfriend and it just felt crazy that I met these people. I never met the victim but I know the people connected to the whole situation. The following days I felt shaken up by the whole thing. I was still dealing with the nightmares from the outlet mall shooting and I felt that this situation certainly didn't help. Once again, I was two connections away from a victim of gun violence. ------------------------------------ The Genocide in Gaza I have been writing multiple posts about this matter but I think shit got much more real when I realized that I'm like a 2-3 connections away from people who had to live under constant bombardment for an entire month. I'm going to include what I wrote previously here again. ------------------------------------ The Plane Crash I walked into a plane crash scene on November 21st, less than two weeks before I'm writing this. My boyfriend and I went to Target to get some things for my friend for her upcoming birthday. Afterwards, we were hungry and thought to get something to eat. I found a quesadilla place near by and we decided to go there. Once we got there, we saw like 5 cop cars and a couple of state trooper cars. My boyfriend and I were like *wtf that's really weird, I wonder what's going on.* When we got to the parking lot, we saw a bunch of people from the news and a small crowd of people trying to figure out what's going on. The air didn't feel tense as if someone got shot up but there was a lot of uncertainty. I saw a whole section of a building covered up as well as a small section covered up on the ground. My boyfriend jokingly asked if I thought that was a body but said that he doubted it because so many other things are covered up and there are many reasons why this would be so. We were just awkwardly laughing abou the absurdity of the situation since we just got here because we wanted some quesadillas. Then I went to go check if the place was still open because I was hungry and of course it wasn't. We figured that nothing in this area was open so we went to a near by Chipotle instead. Later that night, I saw on the news that a plane crashed in front of a near by nail salon and it destroyed the car parked in front of the building. This happend like an hour and a half before my boyfriend and I got there. While the building was damaged, luckily no one in the building or in the near by shopping area was hurt. However, the pilot died. I told this to my boyfriend and I was talking on the phone with my dad about this who called me to see if I was okay because he saw that this happened near by where my location was at. I felt a sense of shock wash over me. Did I actually see the body of the pilot covered up? Like bruh.. I was just trying to get a quesadilla and I ended up stepping into a plane crash scene wtf. And while this alone is kind of crazy, I started thinking about how I had a lot of connections to violent shit during this year. I could feel my brain try to kick in and find some sort of meaning and pattern from these situations because generally speaking, the brain likes predictable things because it gives it a sense of certainty which aids in survival. The world felt unpredicatable, crazy, and most of all unsafe. I still feel this way even though that sense of shock has worn off after a day or two. But it's still in the back of my mind the number of violent events I'm connected to and how wild that is for this one year which is why I decided to write about this as an effort to process things. I know that I have this mild form of secondary PTSD from the outlet mall shooting and I'm still dealing with the grief regarding the genocide in Gaza. I feel like dealing with this type of violent unpredictability from the almost car crash, to the plane crash, to shootings since they can literally happen anywhere. I wish I could wrap up this post with a nice bow but I suppose this is something that I'm grappling with and still unsure how to fully move forward or what to take from all of this.