soos_mite_ah

3/15 1:30 pm: Reflections after Day 4 (3/14) Day 4 was difficult not because of the hunger but because of the fatigue, sleep deprivation, and decline in mental sharpness. It was difficult for me to get through work and I had a bunch of client that came to me with complicated problems that would normally make sense to me but was simply not registering in my head. I was not expecting the fatigue to be my main challenge going into the practice of fasting. This is the reason why I couldn’t do my journal entry yesterday early in the morning. And then by 10, I really felt like I needed a break so I took a nap and then got to writing instead of doing my job. (Don’t worry, I still got everything I needed to do done that day that was work related in a timely manner) I feel like the hunger thing has subsided a bit. Before I would get really hungry from 1-2 pm because that’s when I eat lunch and then again from 4:30 to 7:30. On this day I just had to deal with the 4:30 to 7:30. I still haven’t encountered thirst during my fast. I had to really be gentle with myself and the energy I did have and be careful how I spent it. I took things at my own pace. I did what I could do, and I don’t feel bad about it. I do miss functioning at my normal capacity though. It makes me feel grateful for all the times I had the energy to do things in my day past the bare minimum I started thinking of the obligations that I have due to my limited energy. I feel like in these past few days, all my energy goes towards the following: doing my job journalling basic chores like putting things away, wiping surfaces, and cooking doing my daily tiktok videos for like 15 minutes and duo lingo for like 10-15 minutes talking to friends I don’t have the energy to plan outings with my friends, or to work out, or to be on social media for too long because content makes me feel overstimulated. I don’t really want to leave my house for any reason. And this has been helpful in evaluating my habits by breaking my life down to the bare bones as far as knowing what my priorities are relative to the limited energy I have and where I spend it. And given that I miss certain aspects of my life prior to when I started fasting, that’s showing me what I also value and want to do more of when I do get that energy back. Finally, since I don’t have the energy to engage in certain habits I’ve been trying to break (i.e. being on my phone too much), it’s nice to see that I don’t really prioritize those things / are addicted to them rather it’s likely that I just have an excess of energy that I need to gear towards other areas of my life. I’ve also been careful about my relationship with food and how that would impact my fasting. I feel like I’m dealing with this surprisingly well. I know that some people who are Muslim don’t engage in fasting due to health reasons and having an eating disorder or possibly being triggered into one is a valid reason. I haven’t been particularly negative around food nor has this triggered anything diet related in my head. I guess it’s because my brain compartmentalized it as a spiritual thing rather than a you need to get skinny thing. Like this is very much temporary, I’m not doing a life style change. I also feel like fasting has forced me to be more present in my life. Since I don’t have the energy to do a bunch of things, I’m just forced to be. Also, since hunger is such a primal sensation, especially around the time to break my fast, it’s hard to think about anything in the future beyond that. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good to think ahead and be able to make plans but I think sometimes thinking too much about the future can take away from being present. I know for me, earlier this year I was feeling a lot of dread for the future given the chaos around me. And this was a persistent feeling in the back of my mind. But for the last few days, since I was forced to be present, I haven’t really been feeling that dread which is good. Also, I remember reading that in a lot of eastern traditions that say that thinking too much is what is making you miserable because it takes you away from the present moment and because happiness isn’t found in the mind rather it’s just the feeling of allowing yourself to be and accept yourself and the present regardless of circumstance. And as much as I’m not enjoying the fatigue, I am enjoying slowing down. As much as I’m not enjoying my lack of mental sharpness at my job, I am enjoying shutting my brain down temporarily. Like don’t get me wrong, doing this long term would not be fulfilling to me because I would feel like a vegetable but temporarily, it’s refreshing in it’s own way. This exercise has made me realize how much I value my mental sharpness and my desire to continue educating myself even if it’s something as little as my duo lingo classes. Also, being present due to hunger and lack of energy I feel like helped me gain more empathy to people who are food insecure or are financially struggling. I know part of Ramadan is fasting with the intention of being more grateful for the things in your life and being more empathetic towards the less fortunate. I also know that in general, when you are in a difficult situation, whether it be financially, emotionally etc. it affects your ability to plan out your future and you’re forced to focus on what’s in front of you because that is more pressing. That can lead to dumb decisions at times and more risk taking tendencies. It’s hard to focus on what’s going on out there in the world when you can’t get your basic needs met. And I feel like I’m experiencing that in a way that is limited and is safe for me to experience without traumatizing myself if that makes sense. Like I don’t know how long I can continue to fast so I’m taking this one moment at a time. But I have the luxury of stopping this if it gets to be too much. I’d imagine a lot of people under difficult life circumstances feel the same way of not knowing how long they can hold on and as a result they take it a day at time and have trouble seeing beyond this. Except they don’t have the privilege to get out of the situation they’re in or stopping whatever is bothering them because they can’t handle it. I have often thought for the last few days on how I don’t feel like myself. And I wanted to challenge the attachment I had to my I guess default personality and think about what exactly I miss about it and what makes me feel like I’m not myself. I miss how talkative and social I am when I have the energy. I miss how bubbly I can be. I miss the zoomies I get. I miss how productive I am. These are all attachments I have and things I identify with. Which is fine, but it can also be limiting when it comes to self-acceptance and how we can grow and change over time and over various circumstances. Yes, I am talkative, social, bubbly, energetic, and productive, but I am still myself when I’m not doing those things. There is a side to me that is more reserved, calmer, and does things at a slower pace and even though that’s not a personality that I’m used to for myself, it’s a side of myself that I accept and that I’m now exploring more of. It’s alright if I miss the other side of myself but I’m also gaining more appreciation of this side of myself. I think the other thing about the personality traits that I listed out regarding being more talkative, energetic, bubbly etc. also has to do with how those traits are more socially praised in the U.S. under a capitalistic system that always expects us to always be productive. Sometimes I catch myself feeling that this calmer, lower energy part of me is like a less likable version of me. And I want to push back against that and accept myself more. I like how this calmer version of myself is more focused on her priorities. I like how she doesn’t need much to be happy. I like how much more she listens and how she is comfortable with just being by herself and having that just be enough. I’m trying to get to know this side of myself more and embrace that more in my day to day life after fasting to see what I can learn and also accept myself where I’m at with this fast.

3/14/24 On and off from 6:30 am to 10 am: Reflections after Day 3 (3/13) This day was difficult not because of the hunger but because of the fatigue and sleep deprivation. I had trouble sleeping the night before and my body woke me up early. I had times in the past where I wasn’t eating enough and that was disrupting my sleep schedule. It can cause you to have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and cause you to wake up early without meaning to. I was nervous driving to work so groggy. I also had to drive through a construction while the sun was rising and even though I had the little sun light blocker thing in the driver’s seat, there was a glare on my windshield. It was challenging and I was nervous. But I managed to get to work in one piece. We had a pretty big meeting at work today about the restructuring my company was going through and how it was impacting our team. It was an opportunity to give upper management a piece of my mind. So I did. I felt like I sounded a bit all over the place because mentally I’m just not fully there because of the fasting but given the reactions of my coworkers, I think I did a good enough job to get the point across. I was SOOO sleepy in the afternoon. I could barely focus on work. I left work, came home, took a 30 min nap, and then finished the rest of my tasks. I missed the energy I normally have in the day and I miss being productive at work. I miss my usual personality where I was more talkative and bubbly. I miss working out. I think that the things that I miss are my attachments that I’m taking a step back from. I don’t think attachments are inherently bad but it can be good to reflect on what holds us to the attachments and see if it’s healthy or not. As far as being energetic and productive, I feel like I’m attached to that because of capitalism and because we need to get work done and be somewhat productive regardless of what happens in the world or in our lives personally unfortunately. I think it was much worse in school because of the ways that grades can impact a lot about your future and that added a lot of pressure to perform a certain way. Corporate is definitely more relaxed than that and honestly, a lot of urgency is fabricated by the Karens of the world. I’m also glad that I’m fasting during my work life instead of school because I’m not as hard pressed about my hours and quality of my work. However, I do miss having a more flexible schedule in college because I can’t really take a mid day nap when it makes sense to me. I remember in college encountering a time when I was really burnt out. I remember beating myself up a lot for not performing well and for being lazy and I basically had to unlearn this notion that I have to always be at a 100% and that I’m not a robot where my value is rooted in productivity. Over the years I also had to learn how to be gentle with the way that I approach self-discipline. I have been treating myself with gentleness in terms of what needs to get done in the day and I’m giving myself as many breaks I need. And I feel like because of these two experiences, while I do miss my ability to be energetic and productive, I don’t have a lot of negative feelings around it and I’m not really beating myself up for it. If anything, I’m just more grateful and aware when I do have the energy. I think it’s also good that I’m implementing these lessons around being gentle and disciplined. I feel like I’m strengthening the muscle for being gentle with myself. Gentleness and Discipline: I was introduced to this concept of undisciplined discipline in one of my classes and basically it refers to how some people try to implement discipline in really harsh ways but then if you think about it, sure you’re giving the other person structure in the form of strictness and that can (but doesn’t always) lead to discipline but on the other hand by being so harsh, you have lost discipline yourself as the executioner. For example, if you hit your kid because they are misbehaving, sure that is one way to give them structure but in the process you yourself have become emotionally dysregulated and you’re lashing out at the kid which is not a very self-disciplined way of going about things. After the class, I decided to reflect on what gentleness means to me and how discipline can overlap with that. Here is a little bit of what I wrote: Gentleness is slow. Gentleness is not rushed, Gentleness is not chaotic. Discipline is also slow and not rushed. To be disciplined is to be in it for the long haul. It isn't doing all of your assignments in the last minute and having spikes where you work really hard and moments when you don't work at all. It is consistent, not chaotic. Gentleness is patience. Discipline also involves patience. Because you aren't doing everything all at once, you aren't going to get instant results. It's going to be gradual and slow but it will pay off more in the long run. Gentleness is not having unreasonable expectations. Gentleness is empathetic. Gentleness is forgiving. Discipline involves all of these things as well in order to be effective. You need to have reasonable expectations to maintain motivation and not give up due to a sense of futility. You need empathy to gage where you're at with any disciplined practice. And finally you need forgiveness because if you are starting out disciplining yourself in any aspect of life, you aren't going to be good at it initially. It will take time and that is ok. I know the thought of fasting from food and water for 13-14 hours is not most people’s idea of gentleness especially since I’m dealing with fatigue and changes in the way that I normally carry myself. But I think it goes back to what I wrote the other day about being able to differentiate between being in pain and being uncomfortable. Yes, gentle discipline is going to feel uncomfortable at times, but it shouldn’t be causing you pain. And well, I don’t feel like I’m going crazy with this fast and that I’m suffering a ton. Sure it’s a little uncomfortable and inconvenient at times but it isn’t too bad. I think it’s also good that when fasting for Ramadan that there are exceptions to the fast where you can be exempt, or you have the option to make up the days at a later time. Some days where you get a pass but will need to make it up in another day is things like if you get sick or get your period. Some instances where you get exempt is if you’re too old/ young, you need to take medication for a chronic condition, you have mental health issues that interfere with your ability to fast or could get worse with fasting, the practice is really fucking with your physical health, you’re pregnant etc. And I think these exceptions really help making this practice more realistic because it takes other people’s situations into account. It also lessens the feelings obligation towards this practice because I’m not sitting here thinking *I HAVE TO FAST EVEN IF EVERYTHING IN MY BODY IS SAYING OTHERWISE* rather I can gage on how authentic this feels to me. Another thing that I learned that I feel like lessens the feeling of obligation is this notion of if you accidentally and unintentionally eat or drink something, that doesn’t break your fast and it was just a little gift from God. I think this lessens the feeling of having to be perfect with this and you can continue on your practice. I also felt a little anxious the night before going into the office. They were going to bring lunch for all of us and I didn’t want to tell my coworkers that I’m fasting. I think two things are at play here: not wanting to wear my spirituality on my sleeve and dealing with the stigma around Islam. Wearing my spirituality on my sleeve: I personally like the idea of keeping my spiritual life private. I feel like my relationship to such things are sacred and it’s not really anyone else’s business what my relationship to God/the Universe is. I think when you add in other people’s opinions and judgements into this area of life sometimes can take away from checking in on yourself, and what you personally and authentically feel. Especially in a work setting, it’s not something that I want to bring up. The stigma around Islam: There is definitely Islamophobia out there and while I don’t think that my coworkers are Islamophobic, I think I have some complex feelings around my proximity to Islam. As a South Asian woman, people often think that I am Muslim solely based on my appearance and because they can’t differentiate Muslim people from non-Muslims from their name. Hell, half the time they mix up which religion bans you from eating pork and which one bans you from eating beef. And most of the time when I have an American who assumes I’m Muslim, they aren’t bad interactions. It’s usually them asking me in a restaurant after I ordered “hey btw, this has pork, are you good with that?” Which is fine, I appreciate the courtesy. But at the same time, I have encountered people saying Islamophobic shit to me before because they assumed I was Muslim by looking at me. My parents always told me that in those occasions to simply say you’re not Muslim and they will just back off. I don’t like that approach because not only are you throwing another community under the bus, but also because Islam and racism are so interlinked in the U.S., it’s likely not going to do much for the person being an asshole. And while I never used the *I’m not Muslim* card in a way to distance myself from aggression, the fact that I had that option to begin with does come with some privilege. And putting myself in more proximity to Islam does call this privilege and my feelings around it more. I guess some part of me also feels a bit weird that I’m taking on a religious practice from a religion I don’t adhere to. Like there is a part that feels like I’m appropriating a culture. Like it would be one thing if I was actually Muslim and I was telling my coworkers that I’m fasting for Ramadan. It’s another thing to not be Muslim and tell them I’m fasting for Ramadan because that will come with more questions. Thankfully, I was overthinking all of this. I had only one coworker ask me why I wasn’t eating and when I told her the only follow up question was how many days I was doing this for. I didn’t make a big deal about it and it wasn’t this whole conversation. She just told me to make sure I take some food to go to enjoy in the evening. It was fine lol. I also feel weird about telling my parents about this because they’re Islamophobic and also there is a whole historic context behind things like conversion. I’m not thinking of converting into Islam but I can imagine my family jumping to that conclusion if I tell them I’m fasting which will then push the panic button and open a whole can of worms. Basically, there is a whole history of religious violence, discrimination, and forced conversions in South Asia, especially between nationalistic Muslims and Hindus. And as a result, conversion, even if it is willful, has a negative connotation that can range from *are you sure this was your own independent decision or are you being pressured* to *you’re a self-hating traitor who is insensitive to the violence and discrimination other family members experienced * I know there are a couple days where I will have to break my fast but I’m trying to minimize it and for the days I do break my fast, I have the intention of making it up in the end.

3/13/24 7:04 am: Reflections after Day 2 (3/12) This day was significantly better than the last. On the first day, I woke up, ate my breakfast as fast as I could and then chugged water. That left me feeling uncomfortably full and bloated for like 2 hours. I was also constantly thinking about food despite not being hungry at times because I built up fasting as this big thing in my head and I guess my body was just on guard. After the first day, I realized it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be and as a result I moved through my day with less tension. I ended up naturally waking up at 4 am because I was hungry and thirsty. I made myself something to eat and I started eating and drinking slowly until about 6:30 am. And while I had the same meal and amount of water as the day before, this time I wasn’t uncomfortably full. Sure, I ate a little past my fullness cues but that is alright. For the rest of the day I was pretty comfortable and I didn’t neurotically think about food as much that is until it was until 4pm. Just like the day before, 4 pm to 7:30 pm is where the real challenge lies for me at least in terms of feeling hungry. I took a little nap from 9 am to 9:30 because I didn’t sleep much the night before and I was pretty lethargic. From like 1pm to 3, I felt like my ability to focus at work was compromised but It wasn’t as bad as the day before. Like during that time I caught myself thinking *damn, maybe a glass of water and like a small snack can help me get through this stretch of the afternoon. Like I think that would help me reset and refresh lol.* I’m also glad I had therapy after work because I feel like it helped me shift my attention away from how hungry I was feeling after work I also felt pretty low energy throughout the day. But in a way it was nice because I feel like it made me slow down and be more intentional with the energy I did have and pace myself with my tasks. I think in the past I was typically forced to slow down, whether it was due to a mental health problem or a physical health problem, and since I had such a resistance to it, it felt like I had to drag my feet to get anything done while feeling emotionally awful the whole time. I thought that’s how being low energy during Ramadan was going to feel like but I feel more peaceful than anything and I think it has to do with the fact that this is something that I consciously chose rather than something that happened to me. Similarly, I thought I was going to be super neurotic, hangry, and self deprecating towards my physical appearance because that’s how I am when I try to diet and restrict my calories. While I do think that not eating enough can compromise things like emotional regulation, I think the intentions you set can impact your results greatly even if you’re doing the same thing. I think the times when I was self deprecating during my dieting times, it had less to do with me restricting calories and more to do with the fact that I started restricting from the place of not liking myself so as a result when my inhibitions are lowered due to less emotional regulation, all of the ugly thoughts I had of myself would just spew out in a form of psychic diarrhea. And well…. I’m glad that’s not happening to me during Ramadan. I also caught myself thinking about different renunciation traditions in other faiths from Lent in Christianity to the traditions we have in Hinduism usually when a close family member passes away to many monastic traditions where people isolate themselves from worldly pleasures. Fasting isn’t uniquely an Islamic thing. I went into Ramadan with the intention of rekindling my own spirituality. Fasting is just one tool for this goal and Ramadan is an occasion where I can use it. Also, growing up I was always curious about my Muslim friends and fasting and I honestly thought I’d give it a try because why not? I think it would help me empathize with them and understand this tradition more and who knows, maybe I’ll get something out of it and learn something. Rather than praying, I feel like throughout my day I meditate, journal, and check in with myself. I feel like I’ve fallen into my own spiritual routine of mindfulness naturally and this is just what feels authentic to me. I think I’ve fallen into this routine because I don’t have much energy to be out and about doing things and as a result I’m just naturally turning inwards. I also decided to not eat pork or beef for this month. Pork because that’s not something you eat in Islam and I feel like to honor the practice of fasting during Ramadan that this is just appropriate. It’s kind of how even if someone isn’t Hindu but wants to go to a temple to learn something, they will take their shoes off as a sign of respect. The beef part has more to do with me wanting to go back to my roots of how I was raised in Hinduism. I’m also trying to not nap and lean on caffeine. Yesterday I had a matcha latte with dinner and I took a 30 min nap. Which is fine but I’m trying to avoid avoiding the tiredness and just learning to sit with it. Also, since I have less energy, I didn’t want to go on social media as much. On the first day of fasting, I couldn’t pull myself away from the screen because I was desperately trying to distract myself from the hunger I was feeling so that I could complete the fast. On the second day however, since realizing this isn’t as bad as I thought it was, I didn’t have as much of an urge. But also, I caught myself feeling overstimulated and given that I don’t have much energy, I don’t think my nervous system has enough capacity to be overstimulated without getting exhausted. Sure I have less of an urge to go on social media but also I don’t think that it’s smart for me personally if I want this to be sustainable. I feel like social media is like drinking wine for dehydration. Sure it will quench your thirst for a moment but in the long run it’s going to dehydrate you more and fuck you up. I also want to pay attention to the difference between discomfort and pain. I think fasting is helping me be more comfortable with discomfort. I don’t this discomfort is inherently a bad thing, sometimes it’s just a part of life and that’s alright. I think discomfort can be a good source of information and show you what isn’t serving you and where you can grow. Or sometimes, it’s just more of an inconvenience than anything. That said, while discomfort is fine, I think the problem comes when it gets to the territory of pain. I would characterize pain as a level of discomfort that leaves the threshold of what is bearable for a person and that can turn into something pretty unhealthy if left unchecked for a long period of time. By getting comfortable with discomfort, by no means am I saying that we should normalize pain and suffering. But I do think that being able to differentiate between the two can help us know when to keep pushing ourselves and when to stop which can then in turn help us be more disciplined because it’s coming from a place that is gentle and sustainable. I think I learned this lesson for the first time while I was weight lifting because at times, it’s like I know damn well I can push myself to do something but maybe I just don’t want to so I tell myself to power through. But other times, it’s best to not force myself as it can physically hurt me or mentally hurt my relationship to exercise. I feel like fasting is like that but it’s like weightlifting for my soul lol. I feel like I’m more aware of my sense of smell now and I’m enjoying cooking more. This may sound odd but when I’m hungry after work, I just want to cook and take my time with cooking. It doesn’t make me feel tempted to eat but I guess I just like being in the proximity to food even though I can’t just eat yet. I was making myself a sandwich for dinner and tell me why I was out here thinking about how strong the lettuce smell was. This is going to sound bad but I feel like I drink more water now during my nonfasting time window than I do normally. Like I’m nervous that I’m going to be thirsty later in the day so I end up drinking a lot of water in one go in the morning even if I have to force myself.

3/12/24 5:30 am: Reflections after Day 1 (3/11) The first day was definitely hard. This is because the practice of fasting is new to me and I have built it up in my head to be worse than it was. I found myself constantly thinking about food even when I was stuffed or not hungry due to the anxiety around this practice. It was also like the whole notion of how when I tell you to not think of a purple elephant, you’re now going to think about a purple elephant even though that wasn’t even a thought you had initially until I told you not to think of a purple elephant. Apart from me mentally catastrophizing, realistically I was only hungry for like 3 hours prior to breaking my fast. It wasn’t like I was suffering the whole day. And also, I think it’s good I drank a lot of water in the morning because I really didn’t have to deal with issues with thirstiness at all. I found myself wanting to distract myself from being hungry and I had trouble focusing throughout the day. I used social media a lot during this time. I want to be more mindful of that going forward and learn to just sit with the discomfort rather than trying to shoo it away. I also think it’s interesting that I use social media as a distraction or as a way to numb myself. I want to explore that more. I think this is a good exercise for discipline and self-control. Here are some themes I caught myself thinking about: There is a thing that the Romans did when they were training their army for battle which was that they made the training much harder than their battle conditions to where once they do the training and get used to it, when they go into battle, things are so much easier. For example, they would make the soldiers wear 50 lbs of armor in training to build up their strength but when they were actually in battle, that armor was only 25 lbs. I feel like fasting is the same way. If anything, right now I feel like I’m much less disciplined since I’m operating outside of what works for me. It’s hard for me to focus on other areas of my life that I’m typically pretty disciplined at like my job, my duo lingo lessons, working out, completing chores etc. But it’s like, if I learn to be disciplined in conditions where it’s hard to be disciplined, like when I’m fasting for a month, it’s going to be really easy to be disciplined when I’m working in my optimal regular conditions. There is also a thing that a lot of monks do where they make themselves physically uncomfortable while they meditate. And the logic behind that is that if they can learn to be happy in those conditions, or just in regular meditation circumstances where there is no stimulation, then they’re like building up that happiness muscle so that they would experience an exponential amount of happiness in a normal situation. Like think about it this way, if you’re happy without much in life, going on an all-inclusive resort will be an amazing experience versus if you lived in an all-inclusive resort and were always pampered, it wouldn’t hit the same way. I think fasting can also help you build up that happiness muscle in the same way as meditating or meditating while physically uncomfortable. I find myself thinking about discipline and priorities. I am fasting right now because I want to prioritize my spirituality. And as a consequence of me fasting, it’s hard for me to focus at work. I’m not as energetic and I don’t really want to work out. My mood is a bit off. And I’m going to have to think of how to approach things socially later on. These are some things that I’m sacrificing at this time and when these things come in mind, I catch myself asking if focusing on my spirituality in this way is worth it, hence causing me to question my priorities. I wouldn’t say that fasting is a sustainable thing for my lifestyle long term and the things that I find fulfillment in, but also, it won’t hurt to put some things in my life on pause for just a month to focus on myself and my spirituality. This is also causing me to question my other material attachments I have. Like I’m questioning my attachment to my job, my energy, my personality, my hobbies, food, social media, over all consumption habits, etc. And while I do think that I have a healthy relationship with all of these things and I’m not gorging myself in excess (the social media piece is debatable but still lol), I think it can still be beneficial to take a step back and reflect on how and why these things are adding to your life or maybe if it’s not serving you. I think it also goes along with the Buddhist and Hindu notions of practicing detachment. You can enjoy the great and comfortable things that life has to offer but when you get attached to it and you rely on it to make you happy instead of taking responsibility for your happiness in an intrinsic way, that usually leads to more misery. It’s not the enjoyment that you need to let go of, it’s the attachment to that enjoyment. We’re put on this Earth as a consciousness in various forms to experience life, the good, the bad, and everything from all perspectives. And I think that sometimes I just need that gentle reminder that I am this consciousness. I’m not my productivity at work. I’m not this personality that I have. I’m not my hobbies, and I’m not the things I consume. These things don’t define me. Rather, I am the consciousness that is being productive. I am the consciousness that has a habit of showing up in a certain way (thus creating a personality). I am the consciousness that enjoys my hobbies and that does the consumption. I feel like I can do a whole reflection on detachment but that’s a post for another time lol.

Ramadan 2024 I have been fasting for Ramadan for the past 13 days. I'm not Muslim nor am I considering on converting but I have always been curious about this practice growing up with other Muslim people around me so I wanted to try it out. I want to be able to empathize with those who do this practice and I want to also see what I can get from it spiritually. I've also been wanting to get back into my own spirituality and I thought that fasting from sun up to sun down would be a good way to do that. Fasting and giving something up isn't a uniquely Muslim thing rather it's a tool that can be used for developing self control, empathy, discipline etc. I've also decided to give up pork and beef for Ramadan. Pork because Muslims don't eat pork and I feel like it would be weird if I was doing a Muslim practice but then eating pork at dinner. I feel like it would be the equivalent of someone who isn't Hindu being like *I want to learn about Hinduism and go to a temple for the experience* and then not taking their shoes off at the temple. That would be disrespectful even if you didn't know better. As far as giving up beef goes, I feel like that comes from a place of wanting to go back to my older spiritual roots, particularly my Hindu ones. I have more nuanced thoughts regarding my regular opinion on not eating beef because normally, I do eat beef. But for the month of Ramadan, I want to challenge myself and go back to not eating beef. I'm also giving up caffiene because I don't want to use it as a crutch for my fasting experience and also introduce another factor that can throw me off physically. And it also goes without saying that I'm also giving up alcohol, not only because it falls under the same rationale as why I'm giving up pork, but also because like caffiene, I don't want the physical affects of alcohol affect me negatively during the fast. While I'm not praying 5 times a day, I will instead be incorporating a spiritual practice that works for me. I've never been the praying type so instead I will be journalling, meditating, and checking in with myself regularly throughout the day. So basically, here are the general rules for Ramadan: Fast from sun up to down I found a calendar online to help me with this: https://hamariweb.com/islam/dallas_ramadan-timing168049.aspx No pork, beef, alcohol, or caffiene. Prioritize journalling, meditation, and mindfulness for the month. The next set of rules is not rules that are attached to the practice of fasting but rather it's things I'm doing to help myself through this process so that it is sustainable for me and so I can stay consistent: Wake up at 5 am every morning to drink 2 L of water and eat something. No working out since I have limitted energy to carry out my daily tasks. I am prioritizing my spirituality for the time being and it's alright if I take a pause from working out. Take a nap during my lunch breaks at work so that I have the energy to focus but avoid taking naps just to avoid the feelings of hunger and thirst. For the next few posts I'm going to include what I have been journalling privately in my computer.

I am not my type and that is ok This is going to be a bit of a weird post since I will be talking in third person for a little bit for the sake of simplicity. But physically, I am not my type. My type and ideal body is like that stereotypical pilates look, toned and athletic but still dainty and feminine. I on the other hand am more stocky and short and i am not particularly lean. And for years I have wanted the former look regardless of whether it made sense of me or not. But then I thought *well I look at other people on the street and while I'm not into them like that, I'm not in my head thinking about hideous they are for hours after they walked by. If anything I think that hey even if I don't find them attractive, I'm sure someone does even if it's not me* Then I was like, I should implement that same sort of thinking to myself. Like *hey soos_mite_ah might not be attractive to you and you may prefer a different body type but there are people who are into her body type and that is alright.* I think it also stems from this belief that I implemented with my imposter syndrom that is along the lines of *I have faith in people seeing good things in me that I don't always notice in myself.* But basically what I'm trying to say is that I might not be particularly attractive in my eyes, but I am in other people's eyes and that is ok. I don't always have to like every bit of myself but I do have to believe that I'm worthy of respect, love, and human decency. I don't have to like myself, but I do have to treat myself well. And I do think that this is a step forward in self acceptance where I'm accepting that maybe I can't accept everything about myself. That doesn't mean that I should beat myself up into accepting myself nor does it mean that I need to beat myself up for changing myself. I think that's important for me when it comes to my relationship with my body. I might not like what I look like but that doesn't mean that I should pick at my appearance, be cruel about my self image, restrict my food, or exercise excessively in order to change myself nor should I fault myself for struggling to accept myself given all of the beauty standards that are out there because it's understandable that I feel this way given my surroundings and upbringing. I think I can implement this way of thinking towards other things that I tend to be insecure about. The main one that comes to mind is that I can be a passive person since when I'm anxious, I'm very much a flight or freeze type of person rather than a person who gets the impulse to fight. I’m good at walking away from situation and not letting them effect me but I’m not that great at standing up for myself in the moment that someone comes at me crazy. Also, when I'm under stress, I'm the type who shuts down for a while because my brain forces me to feel my feelings in real time and sort through that rather than just being able to push through and dive into more work like a lot of other people I know. And don't get me wrong, I do think I can benefit from learning to stand up for myself in certain situations and being able to regulate myself more in times of pressure but at the same time, even though I have a preference towards those who have more of fight response rather than a freeze or flight response, that doesn't mean that I should see myself as lesser or beat myself up for simply being something I'm not. Again, I don't have to be my type or preference. I don't have to like myself all the time in order to give myself the love and respect that I deserve to give myself in the same way that I love and respect people who I don't particularly like at times.

Other side notes in addition to my to do list that is in the back of my mind but not on the list explore my sexuality more get back into the habit of spending time with friends read 1 book a week Add finishing touches to your place: art work, seasonal stuff, etc. deal with the dread and misery pollution

To Do List 3/6 Research career in journalism: Need to do more of this before your trip to D.C. deal with some hang ups I have around food: there are some things that are coming up again that I'm revisiting with a nutritionist Work towards an exit plan for your job since things are getting messy: I already have a good amount in savings but I think it's good to update my resume and see what other opportunites are out there and just be more proactive about it. Stop being chronically online: I just want to get to a point where my screen time isn't embarrassing lol Have another conversation with your dad about family relationships: I have this planned out for after 3/19 Talk to your therapist about your thoughts on having kids Be more aligned with my values: Start volunteering at a homeless shelter Learn to engage with right wing people Plan out your trip month long trip in the later part of the year.

I don't have much to add but since there is no like button, consider this comment as me liking the post lol

Some Videos I've Liked:

Doomer, Gloomer, Bloomer After writing the previous post, I started looking at some posts from 2.5 years ago when i was in college and dealing with doomer spirals. After reading the posts, I can say that the dread that I'm feeling is different from a doomer spiral if it isn't obvious enough given that I'm not giving myself the privilege of being a doomer and that I see some hope for things improving even if I don't know when. I guess on the surface they can feel the same but upon further introspection they aren't. I also found a couple of memes that conveys this well lol. Yeah, I think I'm going through a temporary gloomer phase and I typically move between that and being a bloomer.

An Update on the Dread I wrote about the general feelings of dread I have been experiencing with 2024 like a little over a month ago. So yes, I did go to my financial advisor and even though we didn't go super deep into this type of work, I think I have the financial security and privilege to not worry about things for a quick minute. I say this to acknowledge my privilege in the cost of living crisis while also recognizing that I'm not exempt from the vast majority of people and that shit can certainly hit the fan and affect me too. I thought that after I recognized and processed my feelings of dread that they will eventually go away. And sure, it did get better, but it also evolved like a fucking pokemon. I think my dread now in February has more to do with the over all political atmosphere from the upcoming election with two senile politicians, to the cost of living crisis, to the genocide, and how shit doesn't feel like it's getting better and we're all stagnating because Congress is filled with a bunch of geriatrics who keep wanting to take things back to the neoliberal stagnation of the 90s. But there are some things that I think are keeping me going. 1. I need to outlive these motherfuckers: I want to see how this shit will end. I still have this amount of hope in my heart from the belief that nothing lasts forever and eventually, the geriatrics will succumb to nature's cancel culture, death. But also, they do have access to the best health care so there is a chance that the ghouls like Mitch McConnel will for another 20 years to be 100 like Henry Kissinger did. Nevertheless, I'm hoping that doesn't happen and I also get a weird inkling that Trump is going to die while running for president again. But basically, there is a lot of politicians that I'm hoping to outlast in the hope that my interests will be better represented and this stagnation can finally get going. Also, I hope to be that funny old person that tells younger people in the future of the fuck shit that happened in my time. 2. I'm not giving myself the luxury to be doomer: That just breeds complacency and even if I can't do much. I'm going to do what I can and help out the people who are immediate to me. I'm not going to let the fucked up shit in the world block me off from human connection. I'm not doing things in the hope of change in the immediate future, I'm doing them out of the principal that it's the right thing to do. I have detached from the outcome because of the way that the stagnation is weighing on me and because the only thing I can really control is myself, my self-education, and expanding my own empathy. 3. I'm telling myself that I just have to hold on for another 3 years: Again, this shit is not going to last forever. I don't know how it's going to end, but it won't be like this forever. This is a mindset that also helped me during the height of the pandemic. Back in October 2020, I didn't know how long this shit was going to last. I didn't give myself the false promise that shit is going to change in 6 months to a year from then but I did tell myself that I just have to sit tight for March 2023, which was a totally arbitrary date. And you know what, even though COVID is still around, things considerably died down by March 2022. Sometimes, the uncertainty of the future gets to us to where we think that this void is all there is and personally, I found that giving myself an arbitrary countdown to help ease that sense of uncertainty even if it was fueled by delusion on my part. The date I have chosen for myself now is November 2027. I just have to hang on until then. I know that things are going to get worse before getting better, I just don't know how much worse and how deep this hole goes and how much more people are going to suffer in the process. I've had this feeling since 2015, back when I naively thought that a Trump presidency alone was the worst that could happen. I don't know if we're going to be at this point a year from now, 5 years from now, or 10 years from now but it feels like it's around the corner. 4. I am thinking about the older version of myself watching me in the present from her memories: Sometimes when I feel like I'm going through a tough time, I try to imagine my 32 year old self looking back at me by remembering what I was up to at 24 with a sense of fondness and gentleness that I look at my 17 year old self in. It just gives me this sense of *hey, I have plenty of time to figure this shit out and I will eventually, and one day that things that I dealt with in the past will be a distant memory and the remanents of a past life of sorts.* Like all of this will be a nonissue at some point in the same way me looking at my 17 year old self who was having an existential crisis about choosing a major and a college or looking at 14 year old me worrying about some boy she thought she was going to marry and beating herself up for being awkward feels like a nonissue for 24 year old me in the present day. 5. I'm trying to bring myself back to the moment: Ngl, it's hard sometimes when all of this shit is constantly around you but I basically try my best to not doom scroll and count my blessings in the present moment even if it's for something simple as eating a bowl of mac and cheese and sitting in the sun as I work. I feel like it helps me not get too in my head about what's in the future while also enjoying the present moment so that when shit hits the fan, I can assure myself that I have some form of stamina to weather the storm because I have rested and been fully present and appreciated when things were good to where I feel like I'm comfortable with the challenges are ahead of me. Like this started small. I remember once a few years ago I got a cold and my nose was stuffed up and I was thinking *wow, I wish I didn't take all the time when my nose wasn't stuffed up and I could breathe normally for granted.* And sometimes, I make myself take a deep breath and tell my self *notice how nice it is to breathe and not have your nose be all stuffed up? Let's take a moment and appreciate that,* And I found that since incorporating that practice, when I get a cold and my nose gets stuffed up, I'm not as much of a wimp about it because I'm just like *you know what, I enjoyed breathing out of my nose prior to this and I was conscious of it and I didn't take it for granted. Soon I'll be back to doing that and I'm going to continue to appreciate breathing out of my nose.* And basically, what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to incorporate this to the rest of my life when it comes to bigger struggles than just a stuffed up nose. But yeah... I don't know how much longer this sense of dread is going to stay with me. I feel like I've been dealing with this on and off since 2015 so it's important for me to find some healthy ways of coping so I don't lose myself in this temporary circumstance.

The Ways I Gentle Parent Myself I know recently I've been talking about my inner teenager and I think talking about her is talking about a subset of healing your inner child (since you're still like a child when you're a teenager). But I just also wanted to reflect on things I do throughout my life to keep my inner child in check as well. Because sometimes, things come up and I can feel the inner 6 year old in me wanting to throw a tantrum or I catch myself being unreasonably harsh over something kind of dumb. 1. If I spill something or break something, I don't get mad at myself and start self deprecating: Instead, I acknowledge that I'm annoyed and this is annoying to clean up but that there is no need to punish myself for this because the consequence that this is annoying to clean up is enough. This also goes for me forgetting my belongings somewhere or any other minor mistake like missing an exit because I wasn't paying attention to the GPS. Because, you learn from natural consequences, not through punishment. Because in the end of the day punishing yourself, whether that is being in a bad mood or getting mad at yourself is just going to leave you feeling emotionally disregulated and just in a shitty mood and most of the time, it really isn't that deep. We all make mistakes, it happens, and it isn't too hard to fix most of these things. A little annoying, sure, but it's nothing that you need to be stressed or anxious over. 2. If there are chores I don't want to do, instead of forcing myself to do them by getting angry at myself and calling myself lazy, I usually say something like the following: A. You deserve to be in a clean space because it makes you feel relaxed and focused, and over all you just like your space more or, hey you need dishes to eat off of you silly goose. B. I understand this is annoying to do but the natural consequence of not doing this is things piling up and becoming more intimidating to tackle and if things get really bad, your space can get unhygenic and that can get you sick or worse, it can attract bugs. And the possibility of bugs alone freaks me out and makes me want to take responsibility lol. 3. If there is a task I really don't want to do, I set a timer to do said task for 10-15 minutes. One of the following scenarios takes place: A. The task doesn't take nearly as long as what I alotted my time for and I was just building the task up in my head becuase it was freaking me out for whatever reason or because I just didn't want to do it. B. The task takes a little longer that the timer and I'm like, well, I'm 80% done, might as well finish it. C. I'm not even half way done but I have gotten into the flow of things and I have enough inertia to keep going or to do other tasks on my to do list. D. I'm not done and I don't want to continue past the alotted time. This is rarely the case but when it happens, I tell myself that I can revisit this later and do another 10 min increment or something. That way it gets done and it's not as intimidating and annoying. 4. If I'm feeling impatient for something, I give myself an amount of time to hold still that I find achievable. For example, I might say *hey, you just need to hold on for 15 more minutes. I know it's annoying but it won't be too long and I'll be done waiting/ doing whatever I need to do in no time and I'll be back just living my life.* I think this tends to help with the *ugggh* feeling of something taking forever. It feels like it's taking forever because we haven't given it a set time yet and so our mind feels stuck in this moment and forgets that we're moving closer and closer to the thing that we are waiting for. I also try to reframe it by thinking about what can I do in the mean time for this alotted amount of time. For example, if I just need to hold still for 5 minutes, maybe if I really need to, I can listen to a song or if it's longer like 30 min, watch something on youtube. And if that doesn't work, I just try to give myself a small carrot at the end of the stick to keep me going. Some examples include *I know it's annoying to wait in the pharmacy but once we're done, I'll get you a fun little drink* or *I know waiting in line to board a plane is annoying, but hey, once we get there, you can take a little nap and get all cozy in your flight* or *I know it's super hot/cold outside and you don't want to be walking but we need to keep walking so that we can get inside to the AC/heat. It won't be for too long but stopping because you're frustated will just keep you here and that won't be comfy. Why don't we get you a cold glass of water / a warm cup of tea once we get inside.* 5. If I'm in a bad mood for seemingly no reason, I just ask myself if I ate enough, if I ate something nutritious, if I have been getting some movement in me, if I have taken a shower in the last couple of days, or if I have slept. If the answer is no to any of these things, I tell myself that we will take care of that first and then deal with the problem with a clearer head. Most of the time this solves things but if not, I'm in a more rational state of mind to deal with things. Sometimes it's worth it to see what type of shit comes up in my unconscious mind when I'm in a state like this. I don't judge myself because I know how to differentiate a state and a stage but I think it's important to see if there is any lower conscious thoughts I need to address and keep in check when I get back into my normal state of mind where I am physically taking care of myself if that makes sense. Like for example, when I'm cranky, I can get pretty self deprecating about my weight. I know this is something I'm insecure about in the back of my mind but I know that I don't get the same degree of vitritol from that self hating part of myself unless for example, I barely slept or have eaten anything. Things like "you're disgusting, no one will love you're cuz you're fat etc." are things that I have addressed previously and I feel like I can observe those thought without entertianing them or getting invested. Sure I feel this way sometimes but I know that people in my life love me even with my weight and that I'm a normal looking person and that this is just the ED taking control because my inhibitions are lowered and the filters that I keep myself in check with and keep my thoughts disciplined with have taken he back seat for whatever reason. But when there is something new that pops up like "because you're fat you look trashy and low class because there is nothing sophisticated about a fat body" then it's like *Okay, where is this coming from. What biases have you picked up recently. Let's go take care of ourselves for a moment and then address this by introspecting and thinking critically.* 6. When I feel like binging on a bunch of junk food, I tell myself the natural, immediate consequences of such a thing instead of shaming myself for eating "bad foods." For example, I might tell myself that I'm going to eat soon and I don't want to spoil the meal that I'm going to have soon since that's going to taste good or that *Hey I know you're hungry, but chips alone isn't going to fill you up. Let's try to add some hummus and maybe some tomatoes to the snack so that its more satisfying and balanced and so that you can have more of your other favorite foods as well. * Or sometimes its saying something like *remember the last time you had too much of X in one sitting and you got a stomach ache and felt off for the rest of the day. To what extent do you want to deal with that?* I find that this helps me enjoy things in moderation and check in with myself without fear mongering about my health or without triggering my previously negative relationship with food. I also remind myself of how as an adult, I'm in charge of taking care of myself in the same way that I'm expected to take care of the little version of me. And I wouldn't want my small child version of myself feel physically and mentally off because they're eating junk constantly nor would I want them to avoid any fun foods all together. I feel like this approach of reminding myself to take care of myself is more effective than saying *well you need to take care of yourself because you don't want to let yourself go or insert other diet culture misogynistic bs here* There's probably more but this is what I can gather off the top of my head.

My Inner Teenager and Her Bad Habits So when I was growing up, I had this really terrible habit of never being in class. This could mean me literally skipping class or it could me just mentally not being there whether it because I was asleep or just not paying attention. And when I tell people that I used to skip class a lot, people just give me a little bit of a side eye because they don't really expect from me since it kind of seems like this rebellious thing to do. But I don't think I've ever skipped class for the rush of it or because it was some act of teenage rebellion. Often times I would skip class so that I do homework that was due in another class later that day. Sometimes I would skip so that I could sleep in the library or decompress and journal. There was also a time where I skipped an entire semester of U.S. History because I thought the class was dumb since I felt like I already learned this a thousand times and because I had better things to do like studying for the SAT. I turned in my assignments for this class in early and then continued to skip even after the vice principal caught me. And I couldn't even get into all that trouble because 1. my work was done, 2. I had a high A in the class, and 3. I was doing something productive. That's really the main thing, I never really got in trouble for skipping class or sleeping in class because my work was done and it was done right so a lot of teachers couldn't get anything to stick on me. I bring up all of this because I feel like some of those tendencies still come up for me now that I'm in the working world. I still get that temptation to just skip work for the day but I can't because that has much higher stakes compared to skipping a class or two when I was 17. And as a result, I couldn't help but think where this was coming from and why I was like this. I think a big part of why I was skipping class growing up was because I felt like I was overwhelmed and I didn't want to admit it, especially since I wasn't super challenged academically. I dealt with a lot of anxeity and depression throughout my high school years because I was at the age where I started noticing that my home environment was pretty toxic and that it was affecting me even though I couldn't articulate it as well at the time. That emotional overwhelm made it so that I would procrastinate on easy tasks by rotting in bed after school or on the weekends or feel like I needed time to myself instead of putting up with annoying classmates and teachers. I also didn't feel like I had a lot of control over my schedule because I had a lot of extracurriculars in my schedule and while I did like them, I felt this pressure to be as busy as possible to stand out among the applications in college. This also led to a lot of revenge bed time procrastination which would fuck with my sleep schedule which in turn would make me too exhausted in class the following day. I didn't think so at the time because overachieving and being anxious about your future was normalized in my community but I really did push myself too hard. Also, I think part of the shitty time management, the bed time procrastination, and the regular procrastination also was part of me being developmentally appropriate for a teenager. I think I remember seeing a study that basically said that a lot of people in their teens have trouble planning 2 or more weeks ahead for something and sticking to it because their frontal lobe hasn't finished developing. And I'm pretty sure that's what happened to me because after I hit 20/21, I was able to plan and stick to things despite always having the tools to do so growing up. I don't think this is how it manifests for everyone but it was definitely how it manifested for me. In recent days, as an adult, I feel like I don't have much control over my time because recently upper management has been micromanaging me. And even though the work doesn't feel like an overwhelming volume, the fact that I'm expected to be working constantly in my work day with little to no breaks and constantly pick up more work even when I'm done for the day is a lot. And yes I have noticed an uptick in my revenge bed time procrastination and like this teenage impulse to skip work altogether for a day or two. Ngl, I do catch myself judging myself on this regard. But then I try to think about what this part of myself is trying to tell me. I'm not wanting to skip work because I'm somehow rebellious and irresponsible. That doesn't make sense considering I'm good at my job and that I take it seriously. Rather, I think it has to do with me being overwhelmed in some level even if it isn't the work volume itself. Like yesterday, I had some things piled up from work and I basically had a bed rot day because my mental health got the best of me. Then, after getting food with a friend, I ended up throwing it all up due to what I'm pretty sure is food poisoning. So the Sunday Scaries and the dread I was feeling for Monday was really getting to me. I sat with my thoughts and feelings for a little bit to figure out what was going on with me and figured it would be good for me to write about this the next day. Then I woke up this morning with a stomach ache and nausea and then I threw up again. So after that I decided that it would probably be best for me to not go to work. I let myself rot in bed until 9:30. Then I did a Target run and deep cleaned my apartment. I got lunch and now I'm journaling some thing out. I'm later gonna do some things related to my job to make sure that tomorrow runs more smoothly. But for the most part, today was a self care day. It wasn't really a cozy *lets do a bubble bath and a face mask and then watch a movie* kind of self care day nor was it a *I need to sit with my feeling and deal with that first and put my other responsibilities to the side and rot in bed* kind of self care day. It was more of a *hey I know things are piling up and you don't want to deal with it but once you deal with it, you will feel so much better going forward because while you need to feel your feelings, rotting in bed is not going to help you in this situation* kind of self care day. And I don't think it's fair for me to judge my teenage self or her tendencies. Sure the way she coped wasn't super healthy but to write her off as a stupid, irresponsible teenager who is a slave to her hormones is not really acknowledging what's actually causing the problem. And yes, coping like that won't set her up for success, but it's the best that 16 year old me could do at the time given the restraints she was in and the tools she had at the time. And I think acknowledging that is important for me to not only be more gentle with myself but also to work with myself rather than against myself. I took the day off as a sick day and sure I could beat myself up for not going to work, but I was still really productive in a myraid of other ways. It's just the rythms I'm on I guess lol and working with that can help in getting me to where I need to go. It also goes back to the whole phase "the same boiling water that hardens the egg, softens the potato" which basically means that two people can react to the same situation in very different ways because of who they are individually. I am most definitely the potato and for a long time I thought that was a bad thing. When I am faced with difficult situations, I often come out of those situations a softer, more empathetic person rather than someone who is hardened and more stoic. And for a long time, I thought the former meant that I was somehow less resilient because being more emotional, even when it comes from a place of expressing and being honest with yourself rather than only being reactive, is seen as weak and vulnerable. I've been making an effort to unlearn this and tell myself that it's okay to be a potato because potatoes still taste great lol because I think I got the message from school and work under capitalism that the ideal worker is the one who keeps going no matter what and that is a mark of their good character, resiliance, and work ethic. I feel like the way that college applications frame wanting an underdog and wanting students who exhibit resiliance in their person statements, even if they are trauma dumping hoping to get a scholarship or to get into college (which is dystopian in and of itself). I think it can instill this toxic mindset that success is only valid if it comes from struggle and at a cost of your well being and for me at least it made me feel like I was constantly not doing enough because there was always someone out there who is doing 10x more than you who has it 10x harder. And one of the things that I dislike about myself is that when faced with stressors and how people react with fight, flight, and freeze, I'm very much a freeze, and occasional flight person and I'm never a fight person even though that is what society rewards. And while in most cases, you aren't literally fighting someone, in a work or school setting, it can look like burying yourself in your work and taking on more than you can handle so you can numb out what is actually bothering you. This can look like a good thing under the whole underdog pardigm because it looks like you're being resilient by not letting it get between you and being more productive. But I don't think this is the healthiest way to respond and this definitely has some down sides. And on top of that, it's also not the way that I naturally respond to stress so then there is this added layer of *Why can't I function the way that everyone else seems to function. Even if it's not healthy, at least they're getting ahead/ getting things done and it looks good on the outside versus just freezing.* I think that's another bad habit that my inner teenager has which is to invalidate my feelings to keep going and to look like she has her life together because she is under pressure from the adults around her that keep telling her that she needs to have her life figured out by 18. I remember growing up not having vulnerability be something is looked at and thought of as good. I also feel like I encountered a lot of people in high school that thought it was a good thing that they haven't cried in years. And 17 year old me thought that cool but now that I've gone to therapy, if anyone came up to me like that, I would probably look them dead in the eyes and be like *that's not normal my guy, you should get that checked.* I think the other thing is that I would try to act tough and sometimes beat myself up for having an emotional reaction because I didn't know how to cope with those emotions and this was my way of regaining back control. I think this especially comes up for me when it comes to the emotion of grief and how there are a lot of things that can go into something like grief. And unfortunately, I haven't had much guidance on how to handle this so in an effort to grasp for control, sometimes I resort to berating myself on how I can't do anything and how I shouldn't feel the way that I do or that I should still be able to move on like nothing happened instead of being so sensitive or emotional. I think this time around I did a good job in not succumbing to that. I did judge myself a little bit before taking the day off work but given how well today has gone for me in not only in terms of me being productive and taking care of my life but also in terms of genuinely feeling better and reflecting, I don't regret taking this day off at all. I think it's important to note this sense of growth of me being able to handle things more affectively and be more gentle with myself. I also think about this thing I wrote when I was journalling about dealing with grief regarding the genocide in Gaze:

idk i thought this video was kind of funny and could be helpful for people who need to touch grass lately after getting innundated with chronically online hustle culture content lol

My Dream Life Style I think I'm living pretty close to what my dream day to day lifestyle is. I have a job that I'm relatively good at and that doesn't stress me out too badly. It might not be my life purpose or passion in life but I do like the feeling of being productive, having goals to hit, and getting into a flow state here and there. I have a small studio apartment that I have decorated in a away that makes me really happy. I have comfortable clothes that suit my life style and a couple of outfits that I like wearing to express myself. I hang out with my friends a couple times a week and see my boyfriend a couple times a week. I volunteer at a school and a pet shelter. I spend time in self education even if it's just youtube video essays. I work out, listen to music and dance alone, and draw for fun. I am in therapy and I have figured out a lot of the big things in my life that have been bothering me. I know how to make my favorite meals and I don't completely dread cooking lol. I can go out to eat to the extent I want to without worrying about money and I really enjoy the food that I eat. I have a good relationship with food and eat relatively healthy without it feeling like a chore. I like curling up in my duvet covers or under my weighted blanket at night. I like burning candles and doing my little skincare routine. I love taking long or quick showers and baths especially when you get that feeling after the shower where you're shaved, exfoliated, and moisturized. I could keep going but basically I feel relatively happy and at peace about my life on a day to day basis and I feel like I'm at a state of being a lot of the time when it comes to some of the things I listed above. However, while this is a really good life imo, I wouldn't exactly say I'm living my dreams. I still think I have a few materialistic things to burn through and lifestyle additions I want to make. The Small Stuff: Getting hair cuts 2-3x a year: I got my hair cut and I honestly feel so good about myself since whether my hair is or isn't styled. I know I feel uncomfortable spending like $150 on a hair cut since I'm used to doing it for free by myself, but I honestly think it's worth it given the style I got and given that it always looks good without me having to worry about it. I know it's not a necessity, but this has been nice. Taking myself out to a nice dinner like 2-3 x a year: I don't want this to be a super frequent thing since I feel like it would take away from the specialness of it all but I think every now and then I want to go to a nice place by myself without it being a special occasion. I think spending between 50-100 wouldn't take a hit to my finances in the grand scheme of things. And as I'm thinking about this, I think for me to not be super cheap and restrictive, it would be a good idea for me to have a day to day budget that I check monthly, which I already have, but also another yearly budget/allowance for things like this. Going on a trip internationally or domestically: This is something that I can definitely afford but I feel like given my relationship to money, I have to consciously remind myself to prioritize it even though this is something that I genuinely enjoy and get a lot of fulfillment from. But it's like even though this is something that I care about, I think it can get hard for me to prioritize since I can get caught up in a *Save Save Save!* mindset and I don't want it to get to a point where I end up prioritizing saving a little money in terms of my life style over actually enjoying and living life and enjoying the fruits of my labor. The reason why I put this in the small stuff is because rather this being something I can't afford, it's more of a mindset thing I'm working on. The Big Stuff: Living in a walkable area in a nice-ish apartment: I want to live in a place that has good public transport and is walkable. Not only do I think it's good for me in a physical health standpoint because exercise is more interwoven into your lifestyle compared to having time you need to set apart for going to the gym specifically, but also I don't like driving all that much. I also want to live in a place with more third spaces and have more opportunities to meet people organically. But also, while I'm not super high maintenance, I don't want to live in a 100 sqft apartment in NYC with rats and roaches. My apartment currently is about 600 sqft which I feel like is perfect for me and if I were to live with a romantic partner. It also has an in unit washer and dryer and no bug problems. And I just want to be able to comfortably afford that same standard of living in a walkable city. Have a career that is aligned with my life purpose: I think this would also be a really good way to improve my life on a day to day basis to where I am living my dream life in addition to living in an apartment in a walkable city. While work isn't anything unbearable for me, I do feel like I'm always slightly annoyed during my working hours because deep down inside I don't care about this and I'm just counting down to the end of the day when I can go back to living my actual life. And while that isn't bad considering that I have good pay and good work life balance, I feel like addressing this sort of fragmentation would contribute to my overall happiness exponentially. ---------------------------------------- While I have explained that in my daty to day life I'm pretty happy, I feel like I have a handful of future oriented boogey mans in the corner. I try my best to stay present and really take in everything I'm blessed with, but these are just things that are in the back of my mind that sometimes keeps me up at night. I usually try to take Eckhart Tolle's advice from the Power of Now, but sometimes I stray from that lol. The boogey mans include: Affording grad school or taking a pay cut when transitioning to a career that is more aligned with my life purpose Being able to afford a kid down the road and maybe be a stay at home parent for a couple years (also this is an existenatial crisis of it's own since I'm not even sure if this is something I want) Affording to buy a house or apartment without panicking about the monthly payment in like a decade or so. I just wanted to acknowledge these concerns even though I feel like the reason why I was writing this stuff out is to think about my day to day life and what I have to be greatful for and a few things that would materially satisfy me on the day to day. I think sometimes when I think of my phase of more materialistic self help I can get a little overwhelmed by how much shit costs without being totally mindful on the fact that I'm already living a great life that is close to my dream life and in some cases I need a few tweeks here and there. Like while I'm able to really be present and enjoy my life a good chunk of the time, it's just that given the times, I'm still nervous about what the future holds and if I can continue with the standard of living I have for myself now.

But also, the past SUCKS All of that said, the past also pisses me the fuck off. I feel like the place that gets me the most riled up is the film industry. I get that there were a lot of classic movies from the 80s to the 2000s but I'm so tired of seeing remakes and sequals. I feel like this is the main reason why I don't care about movies like that unless something new and interesting comes out. Like I was so excited to see Barbie and Oppenheimer and while those were pretty good, part of the initial appeal was that it wasn't yet another Marvel movie. And this goes for TV shows as well. Everytime I see a reboot, I just catch myself rolling my eyes. Then there are my political anxieties ranging from the threat of facism to more real things such as Roe v. Wade being overturned and Israeli forces doing cute little TikTok dances while committing a genocide. Like imagine if you woke up in 1943 and you saw a thrist trap made by a Nazi S.S. officer. And also, as much as part of me romanticized the past and am drawn to similar aesthetics, it also annoys me because we're not getting anywhere by constantly looking to the past. We're never going to go back to normal, whether that is pre-pandemic normal, pre-Donald Trump normal, pre-Great Recession normal, or pre-9/11 normal. And nor should we because neoliberal capitalism isn't going to fix our problems. Hell, it's part of the reason why things have decended the way that they have. I understand wanting to go back to a simplier time and wanting that sense of escapism and control, I do too. Sometimes I catch myself romanticizing 2012. But the reality is, that it sucked and just because things suck even more now, doesn't mean it didn't suck before. I guess "going back to normal" has this sense of stagnancy and complacency that really gets under my skin. The reason why things are a mess now is because we had a shitty foundation in the first place. So why go back to that shitty foundation instead of actuallly addressing the problem and then moving forward. And also, the doomer shit is starting to piss me off because it also feeds into the complacency. I feel like gen alpha (the ipad babies) are becoming the next generation that people look down on because *kids these days.* And don't get me wrong, I think there are valid reasons to be concerned for gen alpha ranging from the education system to being raised on the internet (and sometimes quite literally). But hating on the ipad babies and thinking Skibidi Toilet is going to cause the world to end as if Charlie the Unicorn wasn't just as weird gets under my skin. Like the boomerfication of Millennials and older Gen Z annoys me as someone who basically vowed to not be a bitter old person that looks down on younger generations just because I don't get it. I'm so tired of the forced nostalgia and the whole vibe was *things were better back in my day.* I'm ready for something new and better in a way that doesn't isolate us further. It kind of goes back to the video I linked in the previous post about meta-modernism in the way that it combines the self-reflection and deconstruction of post modernism with the straight forward nature and sincerity of modernity. I also think about these two quotes: 12:28-14:40 : "It was the neo-liberal dream come true. The 90s were the best argument that the system works so longer the right people are in charge. This is everything the Democrats have been promising to get us back to. Almost everyone they've run for president has promised either a continuation of or a return to Clinton-era liberalism. They even ran another Clinton. Of course the only one in 20 straight years the one to actually win was the guy who said 'maybe let's do something different.' And then he didn't. This is Biden's entire appeal. Just put the Dems in charge and things will incrementally go back to the way they were. And to Millennials, that is VERY enticing because it's what we saw growing up. It's what we were promised. We weren't sure if we wanted it but it was at least a fallbakc if our dreams of being in a ska band or making adventure games at Lucas Arts didn't pan out. And it never came. And what we've had instead has been just so so much worse. For two straight generations, the 90s were the least things have sucked in living memory. But I think it's worth remembering that what the Democrats promised, the neo-liberal dream, did come true once. And we weren't happy. We were famously disenchanted with it. Neo-liberalism is the romantic relationship that's always in crisis. If not a financial crisis, a health crisis, if not a health crisis, a family crisis. And you're just holding tight to each other because you're each the only solid thing in the other person's life. You are trauma bonded. And then all of a sudden things finally, finally, calm down for just a minute, just long enough for you to take a breath, step back, and get a look at yourselves. And for the first time you have room to think......*Oh no... This doesn't work. This hasn't worked for many years.* Things stay terrible so long, you almost miss when they were merely bad." 16:40 and onwards: "Jaded sarcasm and isn't brave in 2020, it's the path of least resistance for edgy chan lords. It does not imply a deep and abiding morality. This is the new sincerity generation. Nowadays bravery is being a gender nonconforming socialist queerdo who refused to let the ugliness of the world close them off from human connection. And young people don't feel trapped by the future, because nobody believes in the future anymore. But to wrap this up with a bow, we're not getting anywhere by looking back. Progress is going to come from trying things we've never tried before."

Romanticizing the Past (Again): 70s-90s Edition I wrote a post a while back about romanticizing the past, specifically the 1950s, and I am finding myself doing the same with the 70s-90s lately. I think part of the reason why I tend to romanticize the 70s is because of the music at the time. I have recently found myself drawn to Fleetwood Mac and Billy Joel lately. A lot of Fleetwood Mac's music sounds dreamy to me in a relaxed, kind of contemplative way to me. Also a lot of Billy Joel's lyrics really get to me emotionally in the way that it captures the human experience. Like there are some lines here and there that really stick out to me because I find myself feeling personally attacked by it, 40+ years after the words were sung. And also like I mentioned above, the 70s still feels pretty far back to where it's easy for me to romanticize since it kinda feels like a different planet. I also made a playlist on Spotify that I just call Boomer music and it includes a lot songs from like the 70s and 80s. Also, I just got a haircut and it lowkey looks like the iconic Farrah Fawcett hairstyle. And that's if my hair isn't styled It wasn't intentional, I just got a curly cut so that my hair won't get weighed down and my natural curls would come out lol. I've also been enjoying the whimsigoth aesthetic which is very 70s and 90s mixed with some gothic elements. I also noticing myself doing romanticization more after deciding to be more offline and go on my touch grass journey lol. I've also been reflecting on the lonliness epidemic, the lack of third spaces, walkable cities vs car centric infrastructure, and just how hard it can be to make friends in adulthood. Another thing to note is that while I tend to romanticize the 70s, I still find myself doing the same for the 80s and 90s nowadays too, which is a notable difference from the time I was romanticizing the 50s a few years ago. I feel like a lot of it is the fact that my parents and the parents of my boyfriend were young from the 70s to 90s (as in like around our age from like 22-30) and they were living their lives, meeting people and maintaing connections organically, and were able to buy houses and start families during this time relatively easily compared to now. Also, my dad has been opening up more about his life after immigrating to the US in 1981 and life before meeting my mom in 1992. It's been nice listening to him and his lore and what life was like for a South Asian person in the US around my age (he was like 23 when he immigrated and I'm 24 now). I have talked to my boyfriend about some of these things and he told me the story of how his parents met. His parents met on a flight to Mexico and realized they were vacationing in relatively the same area. They hung out with each other's friends, went snorkling, explored the area, and in the end kept in touch and did the long distance thing for a little bit until my boyfriend's dad got a job in Texas and moved closer after buying a house. And then a couple years later they got married. This was in the mid-late 90s. My boyfriend also talked about how back in his parent's days, from like the early 80s to the 90s they had arcades and malls where you can hang out with people and have that third space. I also think of this song: Basically, I guess on my touching grass journey, I can't help but think what people did with their free time before the internet before you could space out in front of a glowing box for hours at time after work. I mean, they had TV lol but like, you get what I mean. They didn't have smart phones, social media, or YouTube. They actually had to talk to people, read a book, and have hobbies lol. I also think that the 70s takes this a bit further because some of the aesthetics that were popular during the 70s were inspired by the 1800s and what I like to call the Little House on the Prarie aesthetic. This is because a lot of shows in the 70s featured the old wild west and it was a conservative backlash that romanticized the past as a call to return to tradition as a reaction to the hippie counter culture movement in the late 60s to early 70s. And I think that this element of the 70s aesthetic and vibe really makes you think even further back where people didn't have electricity much less a phone and social media lol (because the 80s and 90s had more of a futuristic vibe from the retro 80s futurism to the Y2K aesthetic in the late 90s/ early 2000s). As a result, I think that me being drawn to the 70s aesthetic and touching grass is almost like an extention of me being drawn to the cottagecore aesthetic. The 90s also has an appeal because of how chill and optimistic that decade was for the US. It was after the Cold War and before the War on Terror. The economy was great. It was the end of history, a neoliberal dream. Sure back then there was a lot of cynicism (grunge anyone) from the monotony but by today's standards when it feels like we're dealing with another historical event every couple of months, the monotony of the stable cubicle job, the 30 year mortgage, and shit not really happening seems like a dream again rather than something that would induce a midlife crisis. Like I think I remember reading an article of how Millennials aren't having midlife crisis because didn't have a sense of stability and monotony in their adult lifes that they got stuck in and because they can't afford the typical midlife crisis things people do like buy expensive sports cars to feel young again. Transalation: Millennials aren't having a midlife crisis in the way that Boomers and Gen X did because their lives are an ongoing crisis from one disaster to another. I also think that the 90s also have an appeal because I was born in the tail end of 90s. So it's like.. I can claim the 90s, but I can't CLAIM the 90s becasue of my lack of memory as a 2 month old. I wonder what being a kid, teen, or 20 something during that time was like. And I think some of my friends who are like 3-4 years older than me can remember the 90s so it doesn't feel too far removed but also I'm around a lot of adults who were like teenagers or kids in the 90s (most of my coworkers are like 30-38 meaning they would've been between the ages of 6-14 by 2000). And again, I hear stories about people having a third place in the 90s such as malls and shit lol and I'm thristing for a third place. The 90s are also close enough for me to understand most of the references and the cultural vibes of the time but also the internet wasn't the way it is today and there is a lot of touching grass among things that are more modern compared to the 70s. I also think that it's crazy that the way that I thought of the 70s growing up in the 2000s is the way that kids these days think about the 90s since the 90s were about 30 years ago. I wouldn't say I have a super great view of the 80s though. A lot of it is due to Reagan and his legacy and the cluster fuck that is late stage capitalism and failed Reaganomics. I also think it's because of the college I went to where a lot of students were politically conservative and would wear Bush-Reagan '84 t-shirts everywhere. Like, culturally and politically, I felt like I was in the 80s but like, without any of the fun aesthetics. It was awful lol. But that said, I think there is a sort of naivity around capitalism and trusting the system that is cute and feel wholesome lol. Like, aww, you think you can be rich and be the next Donald Trump without that being an insult and you think that rich people are here to help you?? That's cute. I think that's why older boomers get scammed so easily because they still have that trust in people because they still have some faith because they didn't deconstruct everything and fall into cynicism. And even though that isn't conducive to today's landscape, sometimes I think about the doomer tendencies that are everywhere and contrast that to the 80s optimism. I feel like comparing modern movies to post modern ones explains this well: Also like what I said in the 50s which I think also generally applies to the 70s through 90s: In addition to the above, unions are also so sooo sexy.

I'm so happy to hear that!!! Good luck on your transition. Congrats That sounds really fun and exciting. I'm glad you found something like that.

I'm assuming that you're going by Hindu teachings. In Hinduism, facing east has a significant because that's the place from which the sun rises and the sun is associated with giving life, sustanance, light and inspiration. Fire also has a lot of spiritual significant in Hinduism as its kind of ethereal in nature and doesn't have a solid, liquid, or gas form and it can also symbolize burning away impurities and spiritual purification. As a result, temples always face the eastern direction and I know growing up people wanted to have east facing bedrooms, apartments, or houses because it was a sign of good luck and prosperity. Growing up I was always told to have my bed positioned so that when I woke up and sat up I would face the east lol. I'm sure facing east while meditating has similar themes.

Being Happy vs. Being Right: Plastic Surgery I started this thread a while back: I have been contemplating the thought of getting liposuction for a while now. I do have a relatively healthy life style both mentally and physically but my stomach has always bothered me. The rest of me is relatively lean/muscular but my stomach has a disproportionate amount of fat which I feel like throws me off on so many levels. I feel like it's a large part of the general body image issues I have. It also goes without saying that this isn't my first line of defense against this matter. I have tried therapy and working through the trauma I have around my body and my relationship with food. I have worked with a nutritionist to help get better nutritional advice so I won't fall into neurotic food habits and mindsets around food from the various form of diet culture that is present. I have also worked through a lot of my internalized misogyny and I have checked myself by educating myself on various topics regarding the ethics of plastic surgery and how empowering it is as well notions around fatphobia and ableism and how that can get tied to things like misogny, classism, racism, etc. I also eat healthy for the most part and I work out fairly regularly, sometimes twice a day. What I'm trying to say is that I have done a lot of inner work around this matter and I'm not trying to use liposuction as some kind of band aid on a bullet wound. I'm not even going to go around saying that this is something empowering because I do realize as a woman living under a patriarchy, my choices do not exist in a vacuum. But despite all this work, I'm still insecure about my stomach and how it is not flat. Sure, maybe I could diet to get a flat stomach, but historically that hasn't worked and caused me to spiral into an eating disorder and very neurotic and restrictive habits rather than snatching my waist. And even when I do lose weight, it doesn't help because I wind up looking more disproportional because the rest of me gets slimmer but my stomach. I feel like if my stomach didn't look the way it did, it would be so much easier for me to not be neurotic about my body or food because I already did the work that I explained previously. I really wish that this wasn't the case and that I can just accept myself but I have been trying for more than a decade now. I have made progress, don't get me wrong, but it's like I'm sure like 85% of my insecurities around my physical body would just disappear in a snap after liposuction. Which leads me to my next point. I don't see myself being the type of person who would get addicted to fixing things via going under the knife because of the thought I have put into this and because my other physical insecurities are like ants compared to this one. Also, I'm not planning on doing anything until after I turn 25 and my brain finishes developing. I posted the thread above back in 22 when I was 22 and I knew even then that my thinking may be distorted because of my university environment which felt like the thinspo side of tumblr from 2012 and when I live around my mother who has an eating disorder. Now that I graduated and I'm living by myself, I feel like I have a clearer head on this matter. This decision around liposuction isn't coming from this desperate place like it did back then. I'm in a place where I am content with my body for the most part and I have good habits around food. I just think it would be good to get the liposuction so that I don't have to think about this matter again and have it continue to bring up past issues. I will be fine if I don't get this done but I do see a lot of value that I can gain if I do get the liposuction done. I also did my research and have talked to a few professionals and I am a good candidate for this and that this is a safe proceedure since you aren't inserting anything like when you get implants or like a fat transfer, nor is it like getting a breast reduction which can compromise things like breast feeding down the line. I still felt a lot of resistance before coming to this conclusion. I felt like I wasn't actualized enough or that I'm not working on myself enough because I want an external solution. I felt like I was going against my values around intersectional feminism. It felt like that dynamic again about feeling like I have to choose between being happy and being right. Which brings me to the exercise I did in the previous post: Authenticity: aligned If I'm going to be so freaking honest with myself, I really want a flat stomach regardless of how materialistic it is. I genuinely feel like I need to burn through this karma. Awareness: aligned I feel like I would be able to be more present in life if I'm not worried about my body. I feel like if I take care of this one insecurity that it will free up a lot of space in my mind. I also feel like I would be more intuned with my bodily sensations around my stomach where if my stomach is acting up or I feel bloated for whatever reason, my knee jerk reaction wouldn't be *I feel fat and I need to diet.* Justice/Truth: not aligned This contridicts my values around feminism, capitalism etc. Empathy: aligned I think it's important to meet myself where I'm at and deal with something that has caused so much pain in my life in a way that won't trigger me into getting an eating disorder. Joy: aligned self explanatory Peace: aligned Again, I feel like this would clear up my mind by a lot and that I won't be as triggered around food and exercise. I feel like I would have a lot of peace of mind if I didn't have to worry about my stomach. Creativity: aligned I feel like I would be more comfortable taking more risks with fashion and self expression if I wasn't self conscious around my body. Connecting with people: aligned I would be able to show up more confidently in my relationships, specifically sexually. Learning: n/a Freedom: aligned I would feel more free around my diet and relationship around food. I won't go into these restrictive episodes which almost always is due to how I feel about my stomach. Totals: Not aligned: 8 n/a: 1 Aligned: 1 After this exercise, I felt the same way as I explained in my previous post since I found myself internally in a similar dichotomy of wanting to be happy vs right. I also found this video to be very applicable to what I'm dealing with and how I feel internally.

Being Happy vs. Being Right: Family Matters There is a saying that goes along the lines of "sometimes in life you need to choose between being happy and being right." This is something that I have been reflecting on for the past couple weeks because I think it's applicable to two big decisions in my life. It applies to whether or not I want to take care of my mom in her old age or go no contact with her as well as my thoughts on getting plastic surgery. I'm going to talk about the family issue for and then talk about the plastic surgery bit in a later post. Some thing that I have been dealing with in therapy is trying to figure out how to go about dealing with family relationships. The realtionships I have with my family is not the healthiest and on top of that, I come from a South Asian family, meaning there is also a cultural component that complicates things. I have dealt with most of my childhood trauma and I have built a good life for myself. And now that I have moved out and gained financial independence from my family, I feel like I'm in a clearer head space to contemplate this. I have a lot of shoulds in this situation. I feel like I should take care of my parents into their old age. I love them and I think that no matter what happens, there will always be a part of me that will yearn for that healthy relationship from them. I understand them and why they do certain things and the trauma that it stems from. I feel a deep sense of empathy when I think about their paths in life. There are a lot of ethical things I have thought about regarding hurting my parents. There is also the cultural expectation of children taking care of their parents due to South Asian culture being more collectivistic. There is a stigma against estranging yourself from your family. And especially as an only child, that responsibility feels even more real to me because it's basically expected. There is also the notion of me being too sensitive, that I should just be able to move on, that I shouldn't take some of the things they have done to me to heart. And finally, there is a sense of guilt and shame from me being ungrateful because I know people who are around my age who have lost a parent. Now all of this is like the quick version of the stuff I have been talking about in therapy. Much of it is crying and emotional processing about how this situation has been affecting me. But I feel like I have found a sense of direction as to where I want to go with my family relationships going forward. I don't know how I'm going to execute this and what kinds of conversations I will need to have and that is something that I'm still figuring out with a professional. Keep contact with my dad: While I feel like I can't emotionally open up around my dad and as a result don't have a lot of fuzzy feelings towards him, I do generally like his company and I can have a functional relationship with him given that we have certain boundaries. No contact or low contact with my mom: Unlike my dad, I feel like the boundaries aren't helpping us connect in a healtheir way. It's also really hard for me to connect to her in general and overall I'm not happy in this situation. The thought of me taking care of her into her old age freaks me out because of the way that she sabotogues family dynamics, the toll it will take on my mental health and what I've seen modeled to me by other family members who have taken a similar path. incidental/ low contact with extended family: I don't feel the need to full on cut them off but I think generally speaking I don't run into them all too often because I'm half way across the world. I can deal with them in small doses. I figured out the piece about my mom after re-evaluating my top values. I jotted them down and did a quick evaluation on whether this value was aligned with taking care of my mom or not aligned. Then I sat with my responses and talked about it in therapy. Authenticity: not aligned The thought of taking care of my mom feels very inauthentic given how I don't have a good relationship with her and that spending time with her fills me with dread. Awareness: not aligned There are many facets to this. I don't feel like I have a good quality of consciousness around her given how she impacts my mental health. I feel like it's hard to be present around her. And I feel like given that I have been carefully thinking through this situation for so many years and I'm working with a professional on this that I am making conscious decisions and I'm not just like some angsty or bitter teenager because I can't let go of the past. There is a reason why I feel the way I feel. Justice/Truth: aligned I don't think it's the right thing to do to cut off my mom given that she doesn't have much agency. She didn't have much of a choice on when and who to marry. She had a lot of adverse life circumstances that were out of her control. She never had a career or means of really supporting herself. And finally, she doesn't have any other family members she can really rely on. It's also fucked up to think that at the end of so many tragedies in her life that her one and only daughter will give her the final blow after years of taking care of her and raising her. It hurts me because I feel like I should be strong and suck it up because it's important to take care of family members, specifically if they are your parent. Empathy: aligned sort of (50/50) On one hand there is the empathy that I have for my mom and her experiences which is why I would say that taking care of her is aligned. However, I think it's also important to have empathy for myself as well. Like I'm always trying to meet where my mom is at but I don't do the same for myself. And it's really fucked up on how my sense of empathy can backfire and often times in this dynamic, I find myself showing empathy and understanding someone who doesn't care to understand herself, much less me. Joy: not aligned pretty self explanatory Peace: not aligned My sense of peace of mind would be greatly impacted by a decision like this. Creativity: n/a Connecting with people: not aligned I've had difficulties in the past with maintaining healthy friendships due to my mothers meddling. I have also seen what can happen in the event that my mom doesn't like someone's spouse. She tried to fuck up my uncle's marriage. I also don't want her to influence my child if I decide to have a kid. Learning: n/a Freedom: not aligned I always feel very trapped growing up due to the dynamics in my household to the point where I had really bad anxiety and depression throughout my teens and twenties to where I was suicidal at times. Totals: Not aligned: 6.5 n/a: 2 Aligned: 1.5 Before the exercise, I felt like I had one side that was against this and the other for it and that they were equal in this dichotomy of wanting to be happy vs. wanting to be right. Then out of curiousity, I broke those parts down into my values and realized that this was not an equal dichotomy and that one side had more higher conscious values attached to it compared to the other. I also realized that since Justice and Truth are in the top 3 of my values that it's natural that I put a lot of weight on it. However, it's still important to consider the other values and have a checks and balances of sort. Then I realized that sometimes, when I find myself in the conflict where I feel like I have to choose between doing what's right and doing what will make me happy that odds are that this is the Justice/Truth value butting heads with all the other values that are there. And I think this is a very important realization to have when understanding how I deal with difficult decisions and internal conflict. I also found this video helpful after therapy. I feel like a lot of my sessions were me unravelling my shoulds until my authentic desires and motivations came up to where I could do this exercise: I think it was a good video for me to revist to recap and tie everything together.