Lindsay

I had a one night stand with someone from Craigslist in 2015. I kept seeing him. I’m from inner city Chicago, white minority, obese, shy, and experienced childhood neglect, and domestic violence trauma, crack addicted parents, much love from mother who died young when I was only 12. I also believe I’m either bipolar or have borderline personality disorder. I kept seeing dude cuz he was from the suburbs and I thought he was dorky enough where I won’t feel inferior to him. He wasn’t into me for long term. I was only good enough for sex. I lied about birth control and got pregnant. I almost wanted to have nothing to do with him and prepared to be a single mom until I was 8 months pregnant and he got evicted and needed to move and called me out of desperation or convenience. At least that’s how I saw his intentions. We moved into a condo together near his mother, far away from my family and friends. Everything was fine I was living my new family until I let my insecurities run my mind and looked through his phone. Yes, he was still sexting women on dating apps. I was devestated that he was even doing it on the dates while he was in the hospital with me during my C-section. Our son is adhd with autistic traits and his speech delay used to bother me. I felt isolated and resentful and overwhelmed like I was the only one who care about our son. This guy was sober straight edge with not a whole lot of baggage. He may have asburgers. He’s very aloof and hands off. He is the avoidant type and very stubborn. I was getting drunk every night and smoking weed when my son was in bed for the night. I drunkenly would try to break his things and he gave me a black eye. But I provoked it in the first place. I was bullying him verbally and abusing his property. He never hit me again. We stayed together for 4 years until I decided I had enough and moved back to by old neighborhood in Chicago. It’s been two years and we are friends and co-parent our son. He gets him on the weekend and I get him Monday - Friday, I work the weekends. I miss him now. I’m falling in love with him again. Why? He doesn’t even like me in that way and he avoids me when I get too mushy around him. My family reminds me of his emotional aloofness and lack of understanding. They also remind me that he is cheap and never wants to spend money on his son or me. He was very selfish with money where as I was always giving but then resentful that he was so stingy. Idk what to do. I’m not interested in anyone but the father of my son. Any advice?

https://youtu.be/4AWLcxTGZPA

@Tyler Robinson that’s a possibility. I’m not into church. I did the church thing when I was in middle school. I didn’t like how dogmatic it was. But Im in my 30s now so maybe I can tolerate it now. I do need the emotional and financial support. I. Afraid about child support cuz I don’t want to sour the friendship or cause any more friction.

@integral ? thank you. Solid/inspiring advice. Positive vibes have been absorbed.

@Tyler Robinson reading that made me cry ?. Thank you. I have hope. @Tyler Robinson yeah he’s white and some Japanese. He’s been working for ups since he was 16 and is now 40.

@Tyler Robinson yeah he’s white and some Japanese. He’s been working for ups since he was 16 and is now 40.

Ever since you introduced me to spiral dynamics in 2018 I been hooked and unable to recover from the obsession. Totally reshaped the way I think in a positive way. I’m curious if how you heard about it.

Chinese propaganda blames the USA for covid. This blogger lived in China for 9 years and married a Chinese woman. Cool channel. Adv China on YouTube.

Biden having us leave Afghanistan the way we did made us look like we abandoned our Afghan allies. In another video Winston and C-milk pointed out that China will use that to their advantage when they try to reclaim Taiwan. We also did nothing to help Hong Kong. I agree that we probably won’t have a direct war. I just worry. I wonder if the people in China actually believe the things in state media. Even though I hate Fox News I’m thankful they covered Biden’s leaked phone call to the Afghan president. No other news outlet covered it. I like Chris Wallace, Neal Cavuto, Harris Falcner, and sometimes Tucker Carlson. I wish Fox would scrap Laura Ingram, Sean Hannity, Jesse Waters, and Greg Gutfeld ?. But at least we have multiple perspectives and not just state media. I wish the news channels would pay closer attention to China. It bothers me that YouTube has been censoring online opinions through demonetization. Money controls the narrative and that’s the American way. Would be nice if after a certain point of wealth that the business would be turned into a co-op (Richard Wolff). if we did go to war with China, I guess it would be a passive aggressive war.

I viewed many videos on consciousness. But how can anyone tell if they’ve awakened? I had an episode of what I thought was an “ah ha” moment, but actually I was sent to a psych ward for 2 weeks for bipolar psychosis back in March. Everything felt connected. Literally everything I perceived was connected to my inner train of thinking. I can’t really explain it. But at the time I thought I had an awakening. My family thought I was acting out of character and took me to the hospital. It took a week of meds in the ward to go back to my original way of thinking. Was it just information overload?

@TheSource It wasn’t my question, but it was a better question than what I originally asked. I did lose my mind. But I was feeling so much bliss and euphoria. But that could also be just mania. Now I doubt I had an awakening. I never felt like I was god. I did feel deeply interconnected to everyone and everything. Thank you for responding. @Seraphim lol thank you for confirming that I was indeed psychotic. @Nahm

@Thought Art I like the “developing a high level of clarity, balance, and integrity” as a goal. I agree with you about discipline and self love. Those are my weakest qualities. thank you for responding.

Gaps in memory. I had a woke ass 8th grade teacher and he made the school year special and I miss him. Leo ♌️ reminded me of the teacher I once trusted. Abandonment sucks. But we are all in the hall of mirrors or In The realm of hungry ghosts.

It’s wierd that Leo just recently promoted YouTube premium. I finally gave in and paid for youtube for the first time at the beginning of the pandemic and I will never go back to ads. I whole heartily agree with Leo on that. I’m a long time fan of YouTube. YouTube replaced tv for me starting in 2008. I was stubborn when youtube wanted me to pay for something that used to be free. I had the fuck them attitude. Net neutrality used to really scare me because I feared the internet would be censored and bought and sold and become more corporate and generic like how tv is now. At least youtube is one positive example that came out of that. I’m more willing to sit through a 2 hour lecture without ads than with ads. Ads kill my attention span with annoyance. Kinda drives the idea that corporations and the elites know exactly what they were doing from the very beginning. YouTube helped me meet actualized.org. And actualized .org pointed me to Noam Chomsky. I’m waiting for my copy of “manufacturing consent” in the mail as I type this. I was told by my catholic client that Noam Chomsky is a communist. I’m no longer afraid of communism. Like George Carlin said, “it’s the American Dream because you got to be asleep to believe it.” The elites in power are manipulative, they want us to buy into the illusion of freedom. Soft power. Wage slavery. Neoliberal capitalism. Elites with a stage red shadow and a stage orange persona. Who funded the no child left behind act? Inner city public schools fail those stage blue ACT testing. To make the kids feel like they failed or are dumb. Liberal high schools taught me critical thinking instead of passing tests. My low act score made me feel like a failure. What a brilliant ploy to control the flow of ideas. Luckily the older generation Is slow to catch on. The old generation that was for censorship couldn’t censor the internet in time to prevent the spread of ideas. We need to protect our internet from censorship. It was evident during the mark Zuckerberg trialsthat Congress didn’t understand the concept of the internet. You can tell by just listening to the questions they asked. We Can’t assume everyone has common sense. What is common sense? What is common for you At stage blue is different than what’s common sense at stage green. Time to wake everyone up. Time to wake cancel culture up. They probably have a lower stage shadow and a stage green persona. Time to speak to their shadow and get them to integrate the stages they demonize because they themselves resent other people at their repressed stage. “If I cant be a white bigget cuz my society humiliated me for it, than No one with white privilege should get away with it. Shame on them for not knowing bigotry is wrong”

I’m moving and everything was done thru a rental app and I paid the rent and deposit but never got the keys yet. And it worries me that I never met with a human being. And I have a fear instilled in me with Muslim names. I’m ashamed but if I’m honest yes I’m more scared of Muslim names than I am of American names.

@commie my new landlord is middle eastern. Again don’t hate me but yes I’m afraid I just got scammed.

@Hardkill don’t hate me I don’t want to be paranoid or ignorant. I have trust issues. I wonder if the right wingers are right and the conspiracy theories have substance. Not Q. I’m talking about Russia and China pulling the strings. Sam Vaknin made a post in Russian and I got all freaked out. I got all freaked out when Leo mentioned he was Russian. Like I’m infected with that fear of communism. What do I do about it? Lol

What about early traumatic events and lack of the perception of love? What if you got complex ptsd or something and you understand the spiral intellectually and you personally observed the people and yourself play out all the vMemes? Is it lazy? Or is it overwhelming? What if one has very high standards for their self and are their own worst enemy? Music, sounds, smells, facts, perceptions and perspectives of those facts? What if they take you back in time against your will. Intrusive thoughts. Rapid thoughts. Even music and Tibetan bowls coukdnt slow these vicious cycles of thoughts. What counts and what does not count as hard work? Cuz what is hard work to you maybe not be hard work for me. What is fun for you might be hard work for me. Cuz it’s all relative right? I’m out of my mind and I’m sober.

Im probably late on the Sam Vaknin band wagon. I’m curious, do you think he really had the highest IQ? Are his perspectives legit? I think I have Complex PTSD and narcissism so I been watching his psychology stuff. But I was surprised he talks about finances and government . What do you guys think of his insights? I don’t want to be mislead cuz I like what he says, it seems logical in my mind. But I understand I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. thanks in advance for your take if you decide to share.

Also I didn’t say I had a goal to be a socialist. I just agree we need socialism to balance out the inequality. And I have two jobs. One job is 17.50. The other job pays only $13. I take care of 3 dependents. At the end of each month I’m only able to save like $200. And I’m considered well off in my neighborhood. What is populism? Why don’t you just tell me what you think instead of picking a part what I have to say? I don’t want to have to work two jobs just to get by. I had a shit childhood and I don’t want my son to live in poverty so I work a lot. But then I barely have time for my family cuz I’m always exhausted after 16 hour shifts making beds and wiping wrinkled ass. Although I love my job, I just want more time with my family. I only get to come home to eat and sleep. The rest of my life is work .

You answered my question with another question! What about the people above the current system decide to manipulate the oligarch manipulators? I just want to get everyone on the same page. I’m learning as much as I can. I’m doing a lot of cramming and thinking the last 3 years. The wealth inequality disgusts me. It upsets me that I paid more taxes than Donald Trump’s lousy $750 in 2016.

Is it possible to have libertarian communism and authoritarian capitalism? right now Americans don’t have a real democracy. Our democracy is an illusion. We need term limits on government positions, rank choice voting, and we should get money out of politics. We need to regulate all the safety nets they deregulated starting with the Nixon era. I learned that money buys the media and the politicians. Money deregulated environmental regulations, business regulations, it’s all above my expertise. American politicians are completely out of touch with the bottom of the hierarchy. And vice versa. How is this a free market? Look at the wealth concentration! lol ? it’s laughable. Like Africa. China is gonna develope Africa the way we developed China and we have the audacity to demonize China for using American playbook.

@commie What? It went over my head. What are your beliefs? Capitalism is a fucked up system without healthy doses of socialism. Healthy (heavy) taxation on the billionaire class and those tax dollars should be put into social programs that help build communities and lift people out of poverty. I believe it would do us all justice to try and rebuild communities in our metropolitan areas. The churches used to do that but religion is in steady decline. Family oriented values are in steady decline. Grandma gets put into expensive nursing homes because families don’t have time to take care of their parents. In China, it was a cultural norm to support your aging parents until death and in return the aging parents would raise their grandchildren while they go to work but that is also declining in China as the new generations are born into orange society in urban areas. Capitalism is an exploitive system. Laborers do the work and the investors and managers get to send jobs over seas or automize and eliminate jobs. I like Richard Wolffs ideas of democratizing the CEO positions in large companies. Or co-ops. Where the unions or workers get to vote on leaders who will keep the laborers best interest in mind. Capitalism as it is right now does not care about humans. It emphasizes profit, growth, and efficiency over people. It’s sad cuz Jeff bezos could not run his corporation alone. All the workers, even the people at the bottom helped him get to where he’s at. The least he can do is invest in his employees. Capitalism rewards exploitation. And they have all the wealth to control the “free market” and they have the wealth to buy politicians and Lobbyists. The rich class has been chipping away at the unions, regulations, and taxation on the rich for decades. The boomer generation has generational trauma or ptsd from communism and socialist ideas which is bullshit. That’s the key way to maintain a healthy capitalist social hierarchy. Please explain to me your point of view. Capitalism is on life support. I work 60 hours a week at $17.50 an hour as a CNA. My rent is $1400 a month for a two bedroom apartment 750 sq feet in Chicago Illinois. The public schools I went to were low quality. I was privileged to have experienced highschool in rural Wisconsin and it was like a whole other country. Culture shock for sure. Class sizes were 12 kids compared to 32 students in Chicago. The small school had brand new computer rooms and gyms. The quality of education was extremely different. It’s very complex.

@commie I have a conservative client who listens to right wing audiobooks, gets his news from Fox, CBN Pat Robertson 700 club, and EWTTN live Catholic. I was an atheist democrat most of my life. After working there I’m more of a independent socialist agnostic. What I agree with Sam Vaknin was how civilizations osalate back and forth between Feudalism and Capitalism. Under Feudal systems the peasants become reliant on their family and religion for survival. Capitalism promotes narcissism and selfishness and concentrates wealth at the top until it collapses back into Feudalism from wage stagnation, social immobility to move up in class in the social hierarchy. Capitalism is more secular and it emphasizes individuality over family. Work more hours and have less time for family and religion. Richard Wolff is another economics Professor on YouTube who makes these claims as well. This is why it was logical in my brain. This is why I love Spiral Dynamics. I like to think of human social/wealth structures/ hierarchies. I’m family oriented and society is like the macro level family. Capitalism just goes against family values. In Feudalism, family and religion is needed to cope with the harsh reality of not being able to improve your life and move up the hierarchy. We are headed into a Neo Feudalism. I recommend this book. And I thought this little pic was cute ?.