deso

@Leo Gura Can you elaborate on that? I’m pretty sure I do, and at the same time I see that I don’t know anything at all. Am I still pretending to know something or to have some kind of control? Absolutely. To me it feels like I have already seen too much to go full ignorance again. When I have seen the simplicity of ‘getting’ there, when I have seen the light and that who I thought I am isn’t all that true after all, many interests suddenly just dropped away. All the ego games I’ve played don’t have anything to them anymore. All the distractions don’t have anything to them anymore. It feels like I’m still living in this old reality, but having seen it not to be true. Which feels pretty depressing. And yes, there are also still some personal development issues left.

@bejapuskas thank you .. I know it can‘t be put in words, essentially it‘s only feeling more deeply, seeing clearly what is actually true to you. But yes, I fear what will fall apart, I fear that I will become a completely different person, I fear that I will loose interest in so many things that will eventually make me more of a loner than I already am. I fear going crazy for some time. And I feel like I missed out on playing some more ego games, that I‘m now not able to play anymore. I have to admit, I have no idea what comes after enlightenment. @Aquarius yes, I feel like I would have wanted normal life if I was honest. But I then didn‘t realize what I was doing. I didn‘t know what I was getting myself into. I‘m in a place of no return.

Happiness isn‘t bound to the body, sure. Nevertheless, if you’re self realized and get cancer you may still want to heal your body. If you’re missing an arm you still may want to grow a new one, just because it would be more preferable to have two healthy arms. It doesn’t mean it has to be no matter what.

@Inliytened1 Do you believe siddhis to be true? @SoonHei Happy for your accomplishments! I feel like everything can be done when pure will and belief come together. @Nahm My problem with him is, he has never shown any evidence, even though he would be very well able to proof it with facts if what he says is true in the first place. You could aswell ‘regrow’ a leg if it was never amputated.

how come?

@Amandine Wow, thank you for all the time you were putting into research and your post. I‘m amazed ❤️ It have been 8 months now, roughly. And yes, I have talked to Nahm. He‘s great you just made my day @belen I love you guys. ❤️

Maybe people are wasting their time with playing video games, maybe they‘re not. There‘s too many layers for you to judge and too little you know about the person itself. And even if you did. Who are you to judge? If they have fun doing what they‘re doing, what‘s the issue? If you for yourself really seek growth, then you might look into acceptance. Not only of yourself, but also others. There‘s more to life than ‚growth’ only. Hell, sleeping would be a huge waste of time as well. Going to university can be a huge waste of time. Cleaning your room, also huge waste of time. If you think too much, everything expect your end goal will be a huge waste of time in your eyes. Don‘t be too hard on yourself. Enjoy every minute of your life. Life is not in the future, it is now. There is more to the little things than you might expect. Efficiency is at it‘s best if you do not care too much.

Hey, I feel you brother. There is nothing wrong, It‘s only that your mind took over. Nothing is lost. Everything is still there, waiting for you to be experienced and enjoyed. Your mind tries to help you going through a hard time, and that‘s fine. No pressure to feel anything, no pressure to do anything. If you look closely you are still feeling even at this point. It‘s just that now you‘re having an experience that doesn‘t feel good to you. Go out. Watch the birds fly. Listen to them. Listen to the wind. Walk barefoot. Feel the earth under your feet. Just focus on one thing at a time. If there is thoughts arising about nothing making sense anymore, let it fly by. Let it fly by like clouds in the sky. You are not the clouds. You are the sky. The child inside yourself knows the experience you’re having isn‘t real. It feels really real. But you know it not to be true. You’re trying to get out of this experience by trying to understand even more how to feel again. How to feel the ‚good feelings‘ again, how to be ‚you‘ again. Can you understand feeling? Can you understand being you? Or is it just like you were born. Did you have to do anything to be born? Was there anything that you had to understand in order to be and feel? Just go out. Breath. Listen to the sounds of nature. The clouds will vanish by themselves. Do something you like to do. And even if you think nothing makes any sense and I don’t enjoy doing anything anymore. You‘re just ‚thinking‘ that nothing makes any sense. That doesn’t mean it is true. So go out. Enjoy. Start with something. Get a massage. Go play basketball. Travel the world. You‘re just investing way to much time in thinking. Invest it somewhere else. You have the ability to. And you can make that decision. Did you think all the time when you were a child? Were you happy?

Thank you for your kind words @belen It‘s true what you say. But I just feel like there is a good amount of pleasure and options lost that I really enjoyed and played a part in my expression. And it‘s not only that. The whole physique of my penis changed while it‘s flaccid aswell. It‘s just like there is not enough skin for it really to be able to relax. Instead of hanging down, it‘s always either standing in a weird way or filled with blood to get me half an erection. Which while walking gives me not the best experience and makes some trousers unwearable. I just hate my life. I can‘t do nothing without my dick interfering in an uncomfortable way. I also feel like my whole search for enlightenment was a haux. I had all the answers to help myself and I didn‘t. Every time I didn‘t free myself from my old patterns and not being honest with what I truly needed right now, my will for liberation became bigger. I was emotionally unstable and at some point was so lost in my mind that I didn‘t want to see anymore where work had to be done. I lied straight to myself and knew it the moment I did, but I continued like that, while also knowing that this way to act will form a new pattern and not more than a runaway from how things are. I knew it didn‘t make sense, because eventually I had to go through there anyway, but I continued like that. I could write a book about self realization, but I don’t even know if enlightenment is what I truly wanted at this time. I escaped life through it, and now have seen too much. I feel like my life would have taken a completely different direction if I followed my gut. Eventually maybe I would have come back to search for this, but not at this time in my life. I lost almost three years by just not listening to myself. I lost time to explore, to make amends with what had happened in my youth, to live life and to be the loving and funny guy that I was a long time ago. My dick is fucked up, even my eyes are f’d up to a degree because my protective mechanisms don‘t work anymore due to completely having lost trusting in my bodily functions. My body became a mess and my life is not aligned with what my heart cried for. I feel like I now have to be someone that I don‘t even want to be. And if coming back to myself, there is a great amount of shit in my way that wasn‘t supposed to be there, that is only there because I resisted trusting what I already knew.

Thank you for your support. It‘s just that I made that decision, while already knowing that this will end badly. I didn‘t trust my gut feeling, and I knew if I didn‘t I will suffer severely. This whole situation back then was already fucked up, and there were a lot of components playing part in this. I was lost in my mind and lost to self destructive behaviour. I have seen all the things that would happen, if I didn’t trust myself, for months. And I still kept holding on my old patterns. I knew if I did this for long enough life will fuck me in the arse to get me back on track again. I knew I had to move, but I couldn’t. I ended in this self destructive behaviour, only because of those feelings that I knew I had to surpass by moving, by acting. But again, I didn’t. It just bothers me that I threw away my sex life like that. No matter how much I love and forgive, it won’t bring back my sex life. I could be at peace with it, but still it is gone. In a field of total completeness it still would be preferable if things would work.

Thank you for replying. The badest thing is not that I wasted my youth. It’s my adult life that is destroyed now. I had everything now. I suffered a great amount of my life already. I just can’t deal with this. Not only I suffer, everybody around me also suffers big time because of my situation. I have a good therapist now, but I can‘t live like this anymore.