intotheblack

Yesterday I was just thinking to myself how nothing seems real and how weird it is that I am something alive and thinking. My fave conversation since I was little is ‘isn’t it crazy how we are humans living on a planet’ I was thinking about how I go through my day on auto pilot, like riding my bike to work and not thinking about what I’m doing, then ending up there. Looking down at my legs cycling but doing it automatically. How does the body do things whilst your mind is somewhere else?! I then got a scared feeling, like a panic attack. Couldn’t sleep last night and had some weird dreams. how can we even comprehend what we are? I’m thinking more and more about how dreamlike everything is.

@Nahm I like your analysis. Thank you

British Skateboard/Streetwear brand ‘Palace’ uses a strange loop model for their logo. I wonder if the creator knows the significance behind it/ why they chose it. I myself have know the brand for ages, but only noticed the logo since learning about strange loops.

Firstly excuse the life story but I feel I need to give a bit of context. I’m 31 F How do you figure out where you are in your self actualisation journey? I understand there is no straight forward answer for everyone. I suppose my confusion lies in the realisation of things. Before I even knew anything about self actualisation or awakening, I had started to look inward around 3 and a half years ago when I moved to another country by myself. Before that I was living without direction and always had a deep sadness inside and never felt happy. I feel like I have never been truly at peace. I felt this way most of the time growing up but unconsciously of course. I never told anyone about how I felt and chose the route of ‘not caring’ and stayed in my own world with protective bubble. I understand now that a lot of it came down to having an emotionally cold dad who was unpredictable and financially controlling. He would work away at sea for months at a time. We have no close relationship. My mam, the most loving and caring woman but who couldn’t be there mindfully. She gave up her career to look after us and be a stay at home parent. Yes she loved us but she had her own issues going on and her own anxiety’s. She wanted us to stay children and we weren’t pushed to be independent. I always felt ‘trapped’ that I knew no way out but knew I needed to get away. Eventually at age 27 I found the drive to leave my small town and move to another country, Germany, where I currently am now. Some circumstances and people I met since moving there threw me way out of my comfort zone. and so I started to question everything. Question my life. Question why I behave the way I do. I started to understand more about my childhood, which had never crossed my mind before. I became a high functioning depressive. I was still going to work, but I was in such a dark stage that every day I would wake up thinking I would be better off dead. I never actually considered doing it but the thoughts were there. I hated everything and I felt like I did in my teens again but different this time. I had a show down with my boss at work and I walked out of my job. This followed by more darkness. I still found motivation to find another job but this sadness continued. I think this phase could be ‘fighter stage’ with some victim of course. This could also be ego backlash? Matt Khan has said that depression is an awakening. Some time after that the darkness lifted and I started to think differently. After reading numerous self help material, changing my lifestyle and distancing myself from people. This all went over the space of 3 and a half years up until now. About 6 months ago I found Leo and he has made me realise even more stuff but it’s got me wondering where I am at in my self actualisation stage. I know I still have a long way to go and I’m learning new stuff every day. I still feel like a newbie at times, but I have already done a lot of inner work already. also I have experienced a lot of ego backlash, especially since listening to Leo. I can be feeling good for a few days then suddenly feel bad and insecure again.

What are your daily practices of Self Love? even just one thing you make sure you do every day.

I guess it all depends on the place and where they get the meat from and the quality etc. Usually Doner kebab is known to be made with the scraps or unwanted pieces of meat. Again it all depends on where you get it. making your own would be the best option.