trenton

October 18 2020 Today was not a fun day. My mind flew off the wire again. It Finally boiled up that I was completely confused with what to do with my life. This is what leads me to becoming ideological about things that are harmful to me anyway and I don't even like. My mind is making constant irrational thoughts and judgements about itself. I tried to use the life purpose course my evaluation of myself keeps changing. I had a lot of paralyzing anxiety coming up along with suicidal thoughts. I did not feel like getting out of bed. Granny said that she would call someone to help me tomorrow. My mind is currently telling me that spirituality was a mistake and I confused myself further by pursuing consciousness work. Before I wanted to become a chess master. My family wanted me to go to college so got stuck on what to do. I felt like I was being turned into some kind of lifeless zombie in the process of going through college. I am confused with what to do with my life and I am working at Kroger because of it. I can't use spirituality for a life purpose of value if I am as lost as I am. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. My last try is that times like these is when self love is needed most. I wish the best for you in finding your life purpose. I'm sorry I hurt you with my arrogance.

I was temporarily happy again with no serious problems. Today it came up that I am confused about what to do with my life. This is associated with suicidal thoughts and related to how I feel about working at Kroger. I am currently taking the life purpose course, but I am getting stuck because my mood swings alter my evaluation of myself significantly. My grandma intends to call a professional tomorrow. I have a lot of irrational thoughts and don't feel like getting out of bed. This is related to "I need to live up to my potential.". I was perfectly fine yesterday when I didn't take the medicine to reduce anxiety at all, but I still some up early.

October 17, 2020 I woke up early and did some stretching. My body was popping and it feels better without the tension. I then needed to go to work early. My thoughts were related to my clinging to power and control. I create more misery when attempting to claim truth. This is similar to claiming potential rather than being potential. I am also noticing that I am more peaceful when not caring about truth to much to feel high and mighty similar to beating myself for not being good enough. If I am conscious of what I am doing I discover I have more choices than I thought and I can use these additional options to maximize self love even though I have resistance now. I think resistance is my current identity coming into conflict with a new identity. It can burn and be painful, but I resolved some problems by doing this. I can improve my inner peace, joy, self love, body, emotional mastery, and more. This affects my entire way of thinking about life purpose and I am getting curious about perception. It affects everything I do. For example a threat is perceived relative to my present identity. The slippery slope is that fear is relative and it can be changed or removed through changing the identity creating the perception. This includes my fear of the truth to my family. I am worried that they will judge me. Instead I am currently texting a lot to my grandma to explain what comes up in my self reflection. I explained a lot of emotional trauma and how I am made more miserable when hating others. I would be happier loving my sister instead. I am grateful for my capacity for self reflection and I am becoming more tolerant of threats. This can improve my mind and body.

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and after a lot of burning, muscle spasms and tension, and some suffering, I have managed to unwire some toxic and harmful values. It came up that my motives for seeking the truth were very selfish. Like politics and religion, the function of idealizing truth can be to make me feel high and mighty which is hilarious. It was actually a painful process though. This relates to a lot of psychological trauma and the burning that came with my unconscious valuing of power. This creates an addiction to anger which leads to poisoning oneself. Making a claim to truth leads to pain. I think this superiority feeling leads to projections toward people who may do similar, but I am not really happy doing this. I remember that this was related to morality as well. I also am noticing how I cause myself to go against my interest because I think the truth is good and I would be doing a good thing. I am getting interested in the question "what is perception?". It affects a lot of my behaviors, reactions, emotions, and thoughts based on how any object relates to my identity. This is truth for truth's sake because I'm curious. It would also be helpful for understanding how I act and why. I have less of a desire to judge other people, but it is still there. The reason I am putting a lot of effort into consciousness work is because I think it can recontextualize how I think about my life purpose in a powerful way. This includes self improvement and self reflection in order to help me change the thoughts I have as a consequence of my identity. My mind is much more peaceful, joyful, and clear. My body is also less tense. Maybe someone out there can find this helpful. I think humility is useful for dealing with the source of the inner burning, but I still feel it to less intense degrees.

October 15-16 I started off with deeper levels of self reflection. My consciousness has been improving and I am seeing good results. After meditating on the woods for a bit and meditating outside the store, I kept an eye on devilry. It was too much to explain, but there were so many ways in which thinking can be used for devilry. I would be much happier if I could not sabotage myself with my own mind. My mind is a powerful and unique gift that consciousness helps me to master. After work I went to visit my grandma for the night and I did not access this website while there. I types a little bit of my book, best star wars galactic conquest on elite mode, and wrote a political song. At first I thought it was funny, but I tried to describe the emptiness and the lack of fulfillment beneath any position I ever have. If I actually make the song the political forum might tell me that it would start a religion, so I need to be careful of I continue. I meditated more deeply at Nanny's as well. It occurred to me that I have nothing better to do than love myself. Logically how else would I be happy and fulfilled? This makes me much more peaceful and happy. I am choosing joy and peace over what I have been doing. I think personal development affects how I think in a positive way. This gives me the ability to plan more clearly what I want to do with my life. If I continue to grow myself, or I find a way to maximize joy and peace, then making life decisions can be easier. I have to work early tomorrow. Good night, and don't try to claim truth because that is selfish, but the truth is selfless.

October 14, 2020 I did a lot today in terms of self reflection. Other things started falling off again. I needed to work 12-6. I left at about 9 or so after eating tuna. I think this improves my meditation combined with the smoothie. I am also getting tired faster. I got to the woods and meditated for a little bit. I kept my sheet and pen with me in case I decided to write. Eventually I wrote about my masks. You could call them my ego identities. I wrote about how deep down I am acting these things out and allowing them to occupy my mind because they are addicting. I feel down am not really happy with these things running my life. It leads to lying. At the root of these identities was my over thinking. All the way back when I was a child, I thought of thinking as a high form of intelligence and I over compensated. I used chess to reinforce my identity as a smart person resulting in my fear of being wrong or stupid. This came up in philosophy when I am constantly fearful that I might be wrong. My over thinking also adds to my indecisiveness and taking a long time in conversations and chess. In some regards it could make me dumber. My brain may work more efficiently if I don't over load myself with a limited form of intelligence. I would be happy to see who I become without this identity. I would probably judge myself a lot less for small mistakes and avoid perfectionism. Maybe I would be less anxious and more peaceful without my mind playing the devil's advocate. There may be much more for me to gain. Furthermore, I am considering going back to college. I would go back to college if I could use it for personal development. I can't go wrong with using college to become the best person I can possibly be. I did not yet ask anybody for what kinds of courses you should take in college for personal development. I recognize that I find beauty in logic when it works out elegantly yet can seem complicated. This points me toward philosophy, practical psychology, and maybe something else. I feel obligated to do something for money though. I don't know what I would do if I went to college for financial independence. I am indecisive on choosing my values still. I have a lot of neurotic values. I think that spirituality is helping me to untangle these harmful identities. This is why I think consciousness, truth, and love are ultimately helpful for clearing my mind for my life purpose. I no longer wish to be stuck in my head with pseudo happiness created by my drama. I want to find what truly makes me happy and I am ready to change. I think I found some hints for my life purpose. I did some yoga with my sister. I remembered how I struggled to love her more and I twisted spirituality such that I rationalized poor behavior. I don't want to do this, but I at least acknowledge it to myself. I stayed for a minute and I started loving her more. Maybe I am doing better now. I feel like there is still ego in what I am doing, but structuring my life purpose in a way that makes me a better person can not possibly be a bad idea. This can only be good. I had an intuition that spirituality would change my life purpose, and it is affecting me. I am good. I won't call myself evil, but I can improve. I am not conscious that I am God, but I can work on this. I hope to love you more.

October 13, 2020 I did pretty good today. I finished chapter 3 and slept a little better than the past two nights. I still feel behind on chapter 4. I will have to work a fair by to get caught up for the rest of the week. I also plan to spend the night at my grandma's house. I can take my papers with me. I wonder how much I can possibly get done. I did a lot of work on self reflection and the self actualization. I watched the consequences of my judgements and I saw how they backfire on themselves and make me worse. I discovered many important things about myself in my writing and speaking to myself. In the process I managed to become aware of my own projections. I can only keep up my devilry if I am unaware or I ignore how I am hurting myself. My projections include Trump, religion, and my mom. I think my sister actually does have a lot of negative thinking like me. She focuses on the negatives a lot. I am not doing this because I want to say she is somehow worse than me because judgement bites. I am doing this because I want to make life easier for both of us. My projections are related to things I do not like about myself. My denial is lying. So long as I do not accept where I stand, I will leave myself stuck. I had resistance, but it is going away. I like self love because it allows me to stop lying about myself. I want to live a happy existence. It is a little painful to be aware of my projections, but I like the expanded awareness. It does a lot for building a good life. On one side note I had some point had faith that consciousness would be good for me because I was too unconscious to see the difference. That includes now if I can't see above me. When I left the woods today I started explaining how I was doing to other people. I needed a second to formulate my answer, but I told them about how acceptance helps me to not lie to myself and projection is a manifestation of my unconscious self deception. I don't think anybody understood me, but at least I answered the question "How are you" accurately. I then proceeded to continue the exercise from the life purpose course. I am still stuck because I am indecisive on determining what I want to do. I seem to have some form of OCD with jumping back and forth between answers and not trusting my intuition. I need to have a more clear mind in order to be as authentic as possible. This is a clue to what makes me happy. Have a nice night.

October 12, 2020 I still did not sleep well. I need to get off soon. Throughout the day I had some intense thinking. My thoughts were racing and completely irrational. I don't know what to do when my mind flies off the wire. So far it looks like talking to a professional is my best bet. Granny refused the money for the book I was writing. I still will continue this goal of one chapter a week. I'm just tired today though. I was not very productive today. I see how my evaluation of my values is changing. I want to get a solid grasp of this, but I have a lot of negative values guiding my decisions. I tried working on positive thinking after failing to get a nap. This is when it started getting interesting. I did some self reflection and I don't need to tell you about it because external validation never works for me. In this case I am okay on the inside, and I can choose to tell you. It came up for me that I am creating what is true. This is how all worldviews are relative, but I also lie to create its trueness. The way reality works is weird, paradoxical and twisted. I am confused on how to adjust to this weirdness, but when I do, I can apply the wisdom to my entire life. The challenge is that all wisdom depends on the frame of reference and can not be made permanent. If I try to make an insight permanent, it will eventually fall apart and did anyway such that it is no longer true. This means I can't really rely on any self created rulebook I try to make in order to make sense of reality. That may include what I just said. I find more joy in self reflection than I do in judging others. I wish for you to improve your physical health and recognize the backfiring mechanism of saying I want to sleep. I do all of this as an expression of self love.

@silene I do plan to see a someone about this. I can also get back to the fruit smoothies pretty soon as that and push ups through the day would probably help more than just walking or running. Thanks for the thought.

October 11, 2020 I did not sleep at all last night. I then worked 8 hours and was exhausted when I got back home. Next I was unable to get all the rest I wanted and I lost the rest of the day. I think if I use the lunch breaks, then I will not exhaust myself to the point that I lose the value of the rest of the day. This is something worth considering. I had a lot of racing thoughts all day. It ultimately lead to me crying because I realized how much I hurt myself through compromising what makes me happy for other people. This is self sacrificing and it is the guiding toxic value that leads me to scenarios I don't like. I end up ignoring my intuition and I want to listen to myself more. I want to know who I would be without the self sacrificing. I understand it is a tall order and I inflicted a lot of suffering. I want to know what it would be like to live self actualized. I don't want to destroy myself. You are always good and trying your best. I want you to live in peace.

October 10, 2020 Today I needed up. I continued to be a good employee by taking extra hours when ever the managers ask. I then lost my plans of typing my book, and I lost a one hundred dollar bet as a consequence of being a workaholic for a job I don't like anyway. I ultimately am losing money. I don't want to do this anymore, and I will stick to my plans when I make them. I am ultimately glad that I made this bet to keep me focused on something I love more. Apart from that, I managed to fit in a quick meditation this morning. I had plans to do more after work, but I compromised and starved myself in the process. Finally, I contemplated humility. I checked how arrogance backfires and I clarified many of my problems. In chess if I get cocky, it backfires. In spirituality, if I am humble then spiritual ego will not be a problem for me. I had a long contemplation about this for nearly 2 hours just writing about humility. I had some long answers that I will simplify here. Arrogance sets me up for self deception and reduces my peace of mind because of the deep discomfort associated with the sense of superiority. I would thus be far happier if I let go of self serving judgemental thinking, and my growth would be far greater without the glass ceiling created through arrogance and self deception. This kind of contemplation helps me to stop lying. In the long run you can learn a lot more with humility. I had some ups and downs today, but I see that I am doing well in the long run. Good job.

October 9, 2020 I had a day off work today and spent it pretty well. I made it to the doctor in time for the appointment. There were no negative side effects of the medication I have been taking, but I have seen less intensity with the anxiety. I remember my grandma said it messed up dad, and my sister said it is addicting. So far it seems okay, and I will take it as instructed with the increased dose. I will be paying attention to the effects it has on me. The doctor also said that stepping up the meditation is probably helping as well. There are still some sleep disturbances like waking up early. Since my sleep improved a little the first time, he thinks it might improve more. So far everything seems okay. I continued self reflection and meditation in the woods. I did not sit still as much this time because I needed to go to the bathroom. I did not have a good spot to go this time, but I am noticeably worse when I don't go. It is because of the increased bodily tension. I also discovered Hunter cameras on the trees. I don't know If they still work or not because they look old. I then continued with journaling, life purpose, and book writing. I am keeping up on the bet and I did about 5 pages today. I think the life purpose course is very helpful for learning about yourself. I had some bad experiences in which I broke integrity and it leads to a lot of lying and fighting. I would like emotional stability and self acceptance regardless of my life situation. I also have been paying attention to my thinking about truth. It occurs in a way designed to cause more harm than help. It is stubborn if it is insisted to be true and I had a hard time dealing with these thoughts. One thing I am questioning is why must these thoughts be repeated? I don't need them and I would be more peaceful without drilling pain into my memory and psyche. I need an improved approach for these true thoughts and memories. "True" is the most painful part. It claims to be designed against self deception, but actually it is creating more suffering by using true to hurt me. If the thoughts no longer represent me, then they are not true for me anymore and I don't need them. I wish to allow myself to grow my inner strength in this process by overcoming my childhood trauma and guilt. I seem to have had a decently productive day. I'm glad that I got some stuff done. Keep up the good work.

October 8, 2020 Today I am falling behind on the book because I did more on the life purpose and I had an 8 hour work day. I spent the day leading up to the night shift self reflecting about my life purpose, limiting beliefs, and meaninglessness. This one is hard for me and I want to resolve it in a way that works for me. I spent about an hour in the woods by my meditation spot. There were some dear running around, but they were no problem. I continued some self reflection before work at the cafe outside alone. While at work I had many thoughts about my plans of psychedelics. I also had plans of counseling to discuss many emotional issues and to use the resources available to me first. This is my plan for seeking the truth. The day at work was pretty repetitive. I also have a fear of being in situations beyond my control. This inflated sense of responsibility does make me feel worse about myself sometimes because it is not completely true from my point of view. I feel better when I stop telling myself I am in control of my thoughts and the outcomes I experience. Keep up your work. See your doctor. And remember the book. Good job.

October 7, 2020 For the most part this day was a similar pattern. The only major differences were that I shaved my beard and played some Tetris. I typed a day in the book. I am grateful that the bet I made with my grandma is keeping me up on the book so I don't forget. I have a long way to go and it is slow progress. At least I have made a good set up to ensure that progress is happening. I continued the meditation habit before going into work today. I want to handle my inner laughter from a more mature stand point. I don't want to actively create more suffering which includes the suicide game. Usually I say it simply isn't true. If I want to become a more conscious human being, then I don't want to play these games. I want to find the best way to carry myself. I can't imagine how much better my life would be if I never actively created any of my suffering. It would be peaceful, but I would enable myself to make a more powerful impact on the world. Inner mastery thus leads to outer mastery., I did not continue the life purpose course today. I still need to make sure I am doing well in this front. I am making interesting progress, but I am not done. Continue your process and build yourself anew.

October 6, 2020 I did some interesting work today. I still did not research the companies for autism. I started with my meditation habit again. I tried staring at the cup and closing my eyes. I did so for about 30 minutes before writing. I did not do this as effectively as before, but I am trying to find what affects me. It might be eating cereal instead of a fruit smoothie. My body comfort also affects it which is a reason to look for a massage. I then typed a little more of my book. I am going through some boring parts. The final copy might have boring parts edited out. The only reason to keep them is to understand how people with autism think when they are bored. Sometimes it ends up being hilarious anyway. Similar to meta ethics I can ask why is boredom boring. This creates an interesting problem to solve as I carefully observe the nature of boredom to understand it. The paradox is that boredom becomes fascinating. I then continued the life purpose course. I found some interesting connections in my self reflection as I attempted the exercises. I shared what I learned about myself from the exercise and career tests with my grandma. She is happy to see more clarity with what I want. There are commonalities in the values, but I need to find the medium I want to use. I have some similarities to business, but this is not the method I want. One interesting point in epistemology is understanding how psychology affects our conclusions. I like discovering new thinking methods and learning various methods of understanding reality. I wonder how far I can take this when learning about many perspectives without getting too attached to my own. I ended up wasting some time on YouTube again. Apart from that, I noticed that my mind easily gets hooked on political ideology. This is especially true if it is about Trump being hilariously stupid. This is a source of corruption so I need to do something about that. I also learned that one of my most anxiety provoking thoughts is that I must control my thoughts. I get a lot of conflicting information as to whether or not I control my thoughts. When I am absorbed in them it looks like I am creating them. I can also put conscious effort into relaxing the mind so my thoughts flow and let go of me. Maybe I don't control my thoughts, but I'm not sure. I am on the right track and right where I need to be at this time.

October 4-5, 2020 I have not been typing as much lately. I did have work yesterday and I have been forgetting about this journal because I am so focused on everything else I've been doing. I found some organizations that are trying to make use of the talents of people with autism. I did not apply for any yet because I was continuing my life purpose course, meditation habit, self reflection, and other things. I also completed a career test to see what it said about my personality. I don't know how useful it is, but I will share it with my grandma to see what she thinks. Upon deeper self reflection it came up that I don't care about God and spirituality. I actually care about avoiding self generated suffering. I therefore wish I care about such great things that I think are good, but I don't care. It was painful but liberating. I also noticed that I am still always good ultimately. I do what is good in the moment given a frame of reference. I am only evil from other points of view. The structure of my thinking is changing. The way in which my thoughts and emotions are handled is changing. I still don't know if actualized.org is delusional or not, but I am getting benefits from doing the practices. I may remain agnostic for now, but I will keep the benefits of the practices I set up. I am doing well with the life purpose course. I am optimistic about how the structure of my thinking is changing.

October 3, 2020 Today I needed to work for 8 hours. I confused my hours and thought this was a four hour day. I did not take as much food, but I was okay. I managed to squeeze in a short meditation after work anyway. I followed this with writing about my greatest fears. It boiled up that I will probably have to major in business by going back to college. If my personality tests were any indicator, and my values are pointers, then it looks like it is one of my better tries along side personal development. I don't see the alternative to going back to college in an effort to get a better job than I have now. I still have writing to do because I like it. I finished the third chapter. There are some boring days, so I might have to shorten the book at some point. If writing is my alternative to business, then my most obvious choice is to keep up the bet I have going. Granny thinks I'm doing a lot. She sees me working with doctors. I plan to work with career counselors. I am going to see a psychiatrist to address the occasional depression that boils up and is associated with suicidal thoughts. I am also working on the life purpose course, meditating, journaling, and keeping up with the job. I also plan to get a massage still because it might improve the quality of my consciousness. She is aware of the book as well. I am glad that she is taking notice that I am trying. I don't want to keep stealing money from her because I can't live on my own. The reason business came up is because I don't want to be stuck in analysis paralysis. I am listening to my gut. I will continue the life purpose course to learn more about myself. I made some progress, but still have more to do. Keep up the good work. What ever needs to come up, I welcome it. I want to feel you and hear what you truly think.

October 2 2020 Sorry I didn't post for the past few days. I had a strange work schedule that kept me out until 11. I finished the extra contemplation exercises for the life purpose course. I discovered that one of the reasons I am not happy with external validation is because it is against independent thinking. I want a job or career that gives me the ability to express my creativity. Business and entrepreneurship seem to be done decent bets for me if I knew what kind of business and how. Meanwhile my chess is slipping and I am not playing as well as I used to. I noticed that my favorite games are ones in which I created a state of flow by going into something completely new. I play the same games over and over and go on auto pilot. Independent thinking is encouraged in board games just like creativity. This is one of my favorite things about chess. If I could find careers like this, it would be nice. I continued my meditation and did pretty well. I stayed in place for an hour, but I started getting cold. I am getting better at this and feeling myself more deeply. I can see real benefits from doing this. It is my key to self knowledge. I am entertaining the idea of getting a full body massage. I have a lot of bodily tension and it will probably be very painful. I am looking over the mountain. If I can withstand the pain which I should not underestimate, it might lead to improved bodily awareness. This can translate into self knowledge and consciousness if I do. I also go to the doctor's office next week. I have stayed in my mission with the book and I have almost finished chapter 3 just in time for the end of the week. This is actually a short chapter so I still need to step it up for next week. I noticed that I thought a lot about religion back when I was in school. I became painfully aware of self generated suffering and self deception, but I struggled to overcome it somehow. I also had "living up to my potential" in my head when I was in high school. This was actually unhealthy and did not help. It worsened my sleep. Finally, I was struggling with suicidal thoughts which I made more powerful by fearing that I would act on them. I never believed the thoughts because I knew deep down that I was lying to myself again, but I still didn't know what to do about it. To other people I would have seemed crazy if I tried to explain what I was going through. I'm glad I was drawn to this site and spirituality.

I have a ton of potential, but it is seriously being missed by my sleeping issues. Sometimes when I go to bed I wake up after only 3 hours and can't get back to sleep. This has happened on certain days with other days being fine. One observation is that I occasionally have a hard time breathing and I suck in air harshly and quickly. I will bring this up with my doctor when I see him next month. I have a fan in my room which I can't tell if it helps more or hurts more. Sometimes all of my methods for getting to sleep are ineffective. This includes melatonin, shower before bed, and occasionally warm milk with a pretty consistent sleep schedule. This time I lost an entire day of productivity because of my poor sleep. I failed to push through this day productively in order to move me closer to my life purpose. How would you cope with days after sleepless nights? Do you have any ideas for solving these disturbances? Thank you.

September 30, 2020 Today was interesting. I had a day off but did not continue the meditation. Early in the day I did a little bit of writing about life purpose. I was looking for more powerful reasons to play chess and write books. I still have a couple more questions before I continue the course. I then proceeded to type more of the book. I did not type that much, but I noticed a pattern in my thinking. All the way back in high school I started thinking more and more about religion as well as accomplishing something important with my life. These thoughts created a lot of inner tension and it does not feel true to talk to myself like that. I do see how I was struggling with a lot of inner wars because I was trying not to be self deceived. Eventually, a lot of my stressful thoughts and my painful awareness of self deception made it harder and harder for me to be interested in college. I got a degree anyway. I needed to get ready to go to the dentist. I had a bunch of cavities to fix. My face was numb afterwards and I stayed in bed most of the day afterwards. My face still hurts a little, but it should continue getting better. Next I have another doctor appointment followed by a counselor. Finally, I did further self reflection and tried to feel more deeply. I paid attention to how I was avoiding groundlessness through creating inner wars. I noticed the twisted pleasure i get from creating suffering and judging other people. I would like to give up my judgements concerning politics and religion because I ultimately make myself feel worse even though I have initial good feelings of superiority. I am starting to feel less clouded with fewer wars. Find inner peace. Feel more deeply and expand your consciousness.

September 29, 2020 On this day off I spent several hours typing my book. There are some interesting, some boring, and some hilarious parts. The most hilarious part is when I explain my strategies for making friends. It includes memorizing jokes to look original and funny, but also admitting that I am using these strategies because I am trying to make friends. This is the most hilarious part. I tried meditation in the woods, but my mind did not sit still. There were a lot of thoughts concerning God again. I think that my thinking is counter productive in that I am creating more ideologies which I don't really know are true. So long as I am spinning more stories, I am not really fulfilled because of the happiness associated with attachment to the thinking which is my deep discomfort. I watched the new actualized video and I did get a lot of useful information. I was able to feel more deeply as I listened to it and thought about the various things I could be introspecting about. Some of my bodily tension was released as I let go of certain beliefs. There are many things I fear are false, but doing to because I fear they are true. This creates a split psyche that could be made healthier through not knowing. I finished the last concept for the life purpose course, and I am Finally ready to move into the practical part. After I contemplate a few more topics I should be ready to start some of the exercises. I have been having fun with writing and it might give me a shot at financial independence. This work also makes me far happier than debating people on forums and playing worldviews in my head over and over even though I don't know that they are true. My authentic self does not want to participate in these debates because I constantly feel dirty as I act like I know things. Inner peace is much more joyful, but thinking is addicting. I just need to recognize when the very act of thinking is creating the partiality that ultimately falls apart as a perspective. I would like to know what it is like to live a life with silence and inner peace. I am currently attached to thinking because I think my thinking is important. I don't think I need it to the extent that I think I need it. How do I know which of my thoughts about thinking is right? Anyway, I wonder what would happen if I lived in my direct experience. All that is left is direct experience without concepts.

September 28, 2020 Today I worked for nearly 8 hours and did not continue the book. I managed to fit in about 30 minutes of meditation though. Luckily, I have two days off and I can get more than caught up soon. I am also trying to understand how to stop all inner wars with myself. The paradox is that this to creates an inner war. I eventually found it more effective to feel fear more deeply at which point it just vanished. I also think that concerning myself with things beyond my control is not the way I should go. I constantly run into a paradox in which focusing on the fact that I should not focus on something causes me to focus on it. Feeling more deeply seems to be the most effective. I will need to seriously train myself to focus on what I want rather than what I don't want. All I end up doing otherwise is eliminate all possible options. I might use a rubber band for this. There is a struggle to live by a higher conscious. I wish I could find a much less painful way so I would stop these great fluctuations. I tend to be in the most pain when I am at work. Good luck.

September 27, 2020 I started off meditating in the woods. I did not focus very well this time because I forgot to take my mask with me. This would have allowed me to go in a nearby restaurant to go to the bathroom. I heard people's voices out in the distance and I didn't want them to catch me with my pants down. I spent a lot of the day typing my book. I was laughing pretty hard at what I have for chapter 2 when I finished it. At the end of this chapter a girl asks if I want to be her boyfriend. I still need to finish chapter three by the end of the week or I owe granny 100 dollars. I also spent a lot of time running around outside. I realized that this is another defense mechanism which substitutes the thrill of jogging for doing something important. The time spent not doing the book was several hours wasted. If I break the YouTube habit which was already reduced then I will waste less time. I watched the videos on a faster speed so I waste less time. I am not going to turn this 100 dollar bet into procrastination. I don't know what I will do with myself if that happens. I counted the pages. If I type about five pages a day, then that should be enough to hold. Maybe I should type two days of the book every day. This would give me enough space to ensure my safety. I have to work tomorrow, so I need to be careful with how I manage my time. Maybe it would be better to meditate on the back yard for a while because the walk might lose a lot of time for the book. I did not do the life purpose today. I will do one episode before I shower and prepare for bed. No screens after 9. Do what you need to do and give yourself a shot at financial independence by becoming a writer.

September 26, 2020 Today was one of the days in which I slept well. The night prior I managed to silence my mind more than usual. My mind races when psychological drama bubbles to the surface and I face it. I think the meditation is helping me to more easily let the stressful things pass. I started off with work at 7. I slept more easily as my mind became more adept at dealing with resistance. I think typing the book also helps. Anyway I did fine at work, but the managers keep emphasizing the importance of greeting the customers. The cashier thinks it is weird as well. After work I meditated in the woods more effectively. I stayed in the same spot for about an hour and half. I also made a rock bed which I managed to make comfortable enough to lay on. The flies were all over my legs for some reason. I did not feel like swating them so I just let them stay. Later in the day some psychological things started bubbling up again. A judgement I made a long time ago is that I viewed ideologues as slaves to ideology. This applies to religion and it seems tragic, but this creates more suffering. I also entertained the possibility that I am still a slave to various ideologies with different content. I tried to work through some of these background psychological hang ups by feeling resistance carefully and noticing when I have designed suffering. It is tricky, but I can allow this to melt away through awareness. As these psychological problems come up they can lead to racing thoughts, so it is good to know the patterns I have. I then listened to an audio book which elaborated on this issue. I need to be less forceful in changing myself because I don't want to feed ego in the process of self reflection. My softer approach works and increasing my awareness helps me to ease my internal wars which make me unclear about my life direction. Another psychological problem then bubbled up relating to life purpose. Should I be a chess master? A writer? Something else? How will I get financial independence? How does spirituality for into all of this? I felt lost again. I need to ask not only what to do, but why do I want to do it. I remember a while back I was fearful of having no direction at all. I attempted to fix this by pouring a lot of effort into chess which became unhealthy and ultimately takes the fun out of it. My why for writing and spirituality is self understanding. Writing also may help a little bit with financial independence if I get some money off of it. Truth might alter my entire view on life. This could change my entire way of thinking about life purpose. Why choose anything other than truth? I watched a couple of episodes of the life purpose course and I am almost done with the long section. I also can't afford to waste time on YouTube because I made a bet with my grandma. I will owe her 100$ every week in which I fail to write a chapter of my book. My sister was at first a bay sayer, but then felt the need to one up me by paying 5 dollars for rent. I feel that I am stealing from my family by not becoming financially independent. I am mooching off of them all the time and constantly penny pinching. I make less money then them, but still I need to figure something out. I have a few things to do, but it is nothing I can't handle. I need a way to stop this guilt from money problems as I change my present life situation. Maybe being a published author will help. I am Love.

September 25, 2020 I had poor sleep which lead me to laying in bed a lot. I wasted a lot of time in mindless entertainment which did not fulfill me. I tried getting a nap to no avail. I ended up going to the woods early, but I did not stay as long because I got hungry faster than usual. The cereal did nothing for me. Anyway, while in the woods I meditated and contemplated reality bubbles. I wondered what would happen if I popped all of the reality bubbles of which reality is made. Somewhere along the line my gradual enlightenment experiences brought me to an experience of no self. I wrote about how being absorbed in myself is designed to feed suffering through various methods. This includes over thinking, stirring emotions, judgements of myself and others, and more. My sense of self was used to create a lot of needless suffering. I fought with this a lot in the past, but this only feeds the ego. Finally a lot of suffering stopped and my mind quieted down. Thoughts still happen, but I am less self absorbed and not hating myself because it is addicting. These retreats to the woods helped a lot. I continued typing my book. I intended to continue the life purpose course, but forgot about it because I was busy wasting time earlier. I typed a lot of hilarious things in that book. I did not finish an entire chapter because the library did not let me stay more than an hour for COVID. I typed some at home as well. I also noticed yesterday that I wasted a lot of time in this forum. I am being more mindful of my time as I type this. Sleep well. I am grateful that you have the ability to ride above your drama.