trenton

One more inner demon came up. I call it the wolf in sheep's clothing. It is the idea that people can more easily be exploited by the "nice guy." when people don't expect that you would do wrong, it can make it tempting to get away with something. This contributes to moral anxiety and pseudo happiness when I feel pleasure from being in control and having the ability to hurt other people. I wouldn't actually gain anything outside of feeling powerful, sneaky, or clever in addition to being in control. If I let go of this possibility, I could be more peaceful because I would not be at war with my intrusive thoughts of things I would not benefit from doing. I will also include my long essay about my psychological trauma. This is how I can improve my sleep. I am getting tired now. About Me.docx

October 30, 2020 I had a dramatic day. I slept well after typing everything out and getting to the root of my emotional problems. I printed the 30 pages out and shared it with my grandma. My sister did not want to read it because it was too long, but she still wanted me to tell her about it. I told her the truth and we had a lot of emotional drama coming up. She kept interpreting what I was saying as if she was a terrible person, but I finally managed to correct this. Meanwhile, I misunderstood the situation when she came to me for money suddenly. I now have a more complete picture of what is happening and we hate each other less. She also now understands that our petty fights are only a small fraction of all of the trauma I am describing. I could add that autism contributes to depression in that I try to act in a way that prevents people from being uncomfortable, but I constantly fail and my behaviors are interpreted in a bad light. This makes me want to manipulate myself into being different but I still fail and end up hating myself. I ended up crying a lot. It is too complicated to explain everything here, so I can just post the essay next. I think I made a lot of very valuable progress in understanding what I want for my life purpose. I had a psychological blockage clouding my view and I can now see more clearly. My sleep is improving, my mind and emotions are stabilizing, and I want a form of work that allows me creative independence. I would not like politics for example because the emphasis is on control and power over others. I don't really get to express myself completely within the context of an ideology. Instead I can express myself through impartial writing and playing a game of chess. I don't need to make the convenient assumption that truth is limited to one belief system because the function of ideology is to control outcomes rather than truth for Truth's sake and is therefore corrupted. I am proud of what you did. You did not back away from your trauma and you expressed yourself honestly. I'm the long run you are making you and your family's lives better. Thank you.

October 29, 2020 Today was a good day. I began resolving more of my inner conflicts by getting to the root of my emotional problems. I woke up early again and could not get back to sleep. Eventually I started typing more of my concerns for the psychologist. The document now includes a table of contents to help him sort through everything faster. I covered enough to get a clue as to what the patterns are. I can finish up the essay tomorrow and then just post the copy here. It is too much to go into detail. I think the core issue is my desire for control. I therefore hurt myself when I pursue truth because of my attachment that backfires on me. The essay will have the details. I am sure I made the psychologist's job much easier than usual while ensuring I get the maximum benefit possible. I then went to work from 2-10. I considered getting lunch, but that would total 7 hours of working and I would be left with the awkward 1 hour at the end of the day. I could still do that to meditate more. It is a smart thing to do. I didn't do it and I instead stayed on carts. My mind was far more peaceful than usual, similar to when I first got an answer to my sleeping problems. Ego back lash might cause the mood swings. Good night. I'm tired.

October 28, 2020 Today was a very stressful day. I woke up early and in a daze as I laid still. I forgot to take my pills at first and my phone battery is acting ridiculous. It is on power saver yet it is as though it has less power than normal all of a sudden. I don't understand this. This has never happened before. It has 5 days left last night. I did some self reflection and meditation. It came up that my surface happiness disguised my deeper depression. This can result in a split personality in which I am not really being myself, but rather putting on an act. I don't want to do this and I want to be who I really am rather than who I think I should be because that never leads to true happiness. I will acknowledge where I stand now, but it doesn't mean I have to stay there. I only meditated for a little bit because I had a lot of anxiety compelling me to move and go home. I also had some pain in my body. Some tears came out as I recognized that true happiness does not require fear of negative emotions. Total acceptance includes negative emotions in order to be real love no matter what I am. My love for myself is conditional if I tell myself I should be different. Finally I did more typing for my psychologist. I am on page 16. I covered existential questions, financial independence, politics, and religion. I have a few more topics I can cover. I have covered a decent amount of my trauma, but I could add a little more to guilt and shame. I think that my poor psychology is causing me to hurt myself by pursing truth and thus creating a vehicle for devilry. Some of my perspectives that I don't really know are true actually cause me a lot of anxiety and likely keep me up at night. If it is physically unhealthy for me to pursue the truth in this way, I need to change what I am doing. I remember that the truth is actually meaningless and I don't have to pursue it if I only hurt myself. If I don't clear up these psychological problems, I have placed a glass ceiling on myself. I want to help you the best that I can. Be who you really are.

October 27, 2020 Today was an interesting day. My mood was unaffected by the pills and I was still happy after better sleep. Starting with an early shift at 9a.m., I was offered a ride and got to work an hour early. I did a lot of meditation in the meantime. I noticed that resistance to ego is not as effective as self acceptance. The intent was to make myself more humble, but resistance is rejection and judgement. Instead I let myself feel superior and eventually the thought went away one its own leaving me more peaceful. Currently I have resistance to allowing self deception. This puzzled me for a long time and I think I need to review some older posts to help me remember more. While at work somebody tried to pay with a counterfeit 100 dollar bill. The managers were looking at it hard, but I could tell the paper didn't look right. I could also see how the paper was less flexible compared to normal money and the managers kept holding it up to the light skeptically. This was different from a dream I had last night. I dreamt that somebody won the lottery while I was at work. The prize was 100,000 dollars and the ticket said something like you are da bamba. I think "run home Charlie" is appropriate in these cases. After work or started raining so I did not stop in the woods. Instead I went home and are ice cream. Later we had dinner and it was some good roast beef. I liked the meal. After dinner I did some research on some upcoming political issues to vote on. There are some tax levies for my city, but three of the policies are vague. I don't understand them so I might skip voting on those and just vote on the one that makes sense. I also researched the third party presidential candidates. Howie looks the most similar to Sanders compared to the rest, but he opposes the party within the party. I am torn on this guy because although inflation is way ahead of what workers are being paid, 15$ is already hard to get through. 20$ minimum wage might be a little high given how much resistance there already is. I currently make lower than either of these. I have also fallen behind on the actualized.org videos. I have been busy with preparing for psychotherapy. If I watch the rest of the videos concerning libertarianism, it might affect my opinion about the other candidate. Jo seems to be concerned about the national debt. It has been increasing the whole time trump was in office and it is not looking good. She wants to decrease the size of the government by a lot because she wants to make a balanced budget. The national debt looks serious and it doesn't look like this country is pulling itself together anytime soon. This could cause some serious economic consequences if we don't balance the budget. I typed a little more about me for my counselor. I noted that one of self deceptions is that I am hoping the problem is psychological rather than medical because I am distrustful of the controversy surrounding the medical industry in regards to drug prescriptions. If the problem is medical and the doctors really are lost in the system even with good intentions, my issue may not be effectively resolved. I then elaborated on financial independence, college goals, and stress and changes related to COVID-19. So far I seem pretty honest for the counselor and I have a day off tomorrow to continue my several missions. I might need to narrow my focus because it is a bit much especially with the election coming up. Unfortunately the third party candidates still don't look that good to me, but they have a few decent qualities. I want you to feel the freedom and joy that comes from letting go of inner resistance and turmoil. This desire is love.

I keep compromising what makes me happy for what I think is good. I have done this several times. When chess made me happy, I compromised to go to college. I also discovered that I feel burning when I try to go into politics because I don't like it. I compromised to go into it because I thought it was good to see the greatest good for the greatest number and potentially help millions of people in doing so. I also was not really happy pursuing the truth, but I pushed myself because I thought that was good just as I did with personal development. I become neurotic when I pursue my life purpose in this way even if I am trying to be the best person I can be. I am never happy with this self sacrificing mind set about what is good and I have a harder time identifying my life purpose because of it. I think this also makes me ideological and deep down in pain. I feel confused and lost. If I go back to my aptitudes rather than what I think is good, it points me to bring an engineer of some sort. I never felt passionate about this, but I also never tried it. I don't want to keep swinging the pendulum and hurting myself based on what I think is good, leading me to defending worldviews i don't even like. I am considering following a life purpose based on aptitudes now to see if I become happier. What would you do if you were in a similar position?

October 26, 2020 Today I worked for five hours and had some decent sleep. I was pretty happy all day and I am getting back to normal. I have been over stressed recently because of my increase in hours around the holidays. One that drains me is how I don't like my job and I feel worse when I think it. I don't have to use acceptance to keep me in place. I want to focus on thoughts that give me energy rather than drain me. I think I would be better off this way. I have an opportunity to meditate on the woods tomorrow after work. I didn't do it today and I felt okay without taking the medicine. I eventually took the medicine anyway and felt no different. I also had a lot of energy today. It might be because of how I took closer to a normal dose of melatonin again. I then continued listening to audio books and typing for my psychologist. I have about 10 topics i could still write about to give him a more complete picture of what my psyche is like. Today I covered my masks and self deceptions. My money psychology could be better and I understand that psychological health translates to physical health translates to even more psychological and even spiritual health. The more information I give him, the better is what my mind is saying. It is possible that he won't read everything I write, but it would be useful if he did. I am optimistic about the near future.

October 24-25 2020 Sorry for not typing as much as usual. My hours at work are spiking up again around the holidays. I needed to get up around 5 a.m. Two days in a row. I slept terribly and woke up around midnight. I didn't get back to sleep and I was very stressed all day. I noticed suicidal thoughts coming up in these cases as well, but I knew they were not true so I didn't act on them. I was operating on very little sleep for two days in a row, indicating how much my health influences my thoughts over my direct commanding. I was exhausted after work, but I typed some of my notes for the counselor. I noted all of my serious psychological signs including self manipulation. I noted a few events which made me feel guilty and I hurt myself a lot for them. These are possible causes of psychological trauma. I also mentioned how I was diagnosed with depression. I don't think there is one clear direct cause. I think it is many factors that all play into each other. Once I clean up my psychology I can think more clearly about my life purpose without the additional layers of self deception. Maybe I won't reach liberation yet, but I will be set up to get closer. Next I am going to type more about self deception, the content of my racing thoughts, and maybe a few good things about myself. By the time I'm done, I will have shared a lot of information about myself that my family never knew. I might share it with them as well if they are willing to read it. This will significantly reshape how my family thinks of me if they are shocked by it. One interesting note is that I attempted to compensate for self bias and white washing my memories through clinging to the worst memories. The fact that I think if them as true creates a lot more psychological tension and can contribute to Making me hate myself. I have a hard time pin pointing what exactly is dirty about this, but something is off about focusing on my worst memories in this way. I think this is a source of selfish pain. As I deeply analyze myself I can continue to heal from a lot of trauma that can be contributing to my sleeping problems, suicidal thoughts, self manipulation, and more. I am ready to grow myself.

October 23, 2020 I had a day off of work but I stayed in bed trying to sleep even though I woke up early. I didn't get up until around 10. I meditated in the woods for a little more than an hour and I wrote about hatred. I don't know that love makes you feel more powerful than hatred, but it is definitely healthier and more in line with reality. I only pretend to hate things because the selfishness feels empowering for a short time, but is actually dirty. I ended up sitting in bed a lot again. I had time to type more notes on depression for the psychologist, but I forgot about it. Now I have to work an early shift and then see what I type after I get off. Occasionally I still go between joy and peace and depression with thoughts of killing myself. I can't think clearly about a life purpose under these conditions. This depression has been going on for a long time and I'm sorry I am not as productive as I would like to be. I don't want to run so much anymore because my legs want to rest. I want to create a more solid foundation for a peaceful and happy life. Spirituality is doomed to fail if an unhealthy ego must be transcended. I will do what I must.

October 22, 2020 I am getting over worked again and I did not keep up on the blog. I am already tired and did not sleep well last night. Today I woke up at 3 and needed to be at work by 7. I did not get back to sleep. After a long day at work with another 8 hour shift I was hyper and not sitting still. I became hyper in reaction to bring tired back in school. This has become problematic and needs to be resolved. After these two 8 hour shifts I had a lot of racing thoughts and did not call down. I don't think I can trust my judgements and thoughts as well when I'm like this. It is hard to think clearly and focus as well as I would like. After work I meditated for a bit, but then went home for dinner. I may be talking to the psychologist soon, but I did not finish writing about depression. I will have to tell him everything about the unhealthy signs. If I have more time tomorrow I can continue my paper. Please do what is needed to give yourself the life you deserve.

I am not sure what happened. I had a couple of long days at work and had almost no sleep two nights in a row. The most sleep I managed to get was a one hour nap yesterday. I struggled to get another nap today. I think I have a constant psychological problem concerning sleep. I have a lot of racing thoughts again in spite of the increased dose of anxiety pills. I am contradicting myself a lot and my mind stopped making sense. It results in major mood swings such as crying tears of joy to intense irrational hatred. I don't even know of what. This makes me feel lost, unproductive, and confusingly angry when this happens. I don't know what to do, but I hope to see this through. I realize this is temporary and the resolution will come.

October 20, 2020 I am back to a lot of old habits again including watching a lot of entertainment, ice cream, and laying in bed a lot. By pushing myself to stop this, it feels bad and it backfires. I tried to meditate in the woods, but the rain flooded the creek and I did not have a good spot out there today. Instead I just did some walking and writing about my life purpose. I clarified some of my life purpose, but did not finish the exercises yet. Toward the end of the day I started writing some notes for my psychiatrist. I intend to write down as much about myself as I possibly can. This includes, epilepsy, autism, guilt, sexual issues, self deception, existential questions, family, childhood trauma, and anything else that takes away my peace of mind. I could share my book with him if it helps him learn more about how I think. I tried playing chess, but my results are nothing interesting. I am not as engaged in playing right now. I remember feeling a similar burning in pushing myself to do more chess. I constantly feel some inner pain in pushing myself to do anything. I don't want to just do nothing though. I keep trying my best, but I don't know anymore. My unstable emotions and results make me very confused and I need help. I hope whatever is necessary gets done. Good luck.

@LeoX8 one thing that might cause me to rush is the idea that I am not good enough. This makes me so everything I can to be the best person I can possibly be, but I often end up feeling stuck anyway. I think if I found a way to stop manipulating myself because I think I should be better, then I might be happier. Currently it feels depressing and it makes me confused. All of this leads to me pushing very hard toward what I think is good. Deeper down I feel a painful manipulation at play when I do this.

October 19, 2020 Today I felt depressed even though my mind was quiet. There are some confusing signs being out out such as mood swings and I think I am supposed to see somebody in about a week. This has actually been going on for a long time and I remember the suicidal thoughts started in high school. I want to resolve these psychological problems as they are creating a glass ceiling on my personal growth. After work I was in bed most of the day. I don't want to keep swinging the pendulum toward many different directions or I will confuse myself. I don't want to contribute to my family drama to distract me from my own which is why I contributed to some of my fights. I'm sorry for this confusion and I don't seem to be making a lot of progress now. I do have a day off tomorrow though. I must see somebody about this.

@Ananta that is correct I do feel impulsive. I just lay in bed paralyzed by intense emotions as I have suicidal thoughts. It is worth noting that the next day I feel fine and peaceful. This makes me confused because I am oscillating between feeling peaceful, happy, and focused and depressed, suicidal, and hateful. I also discovered that I swing the pendulum a lot based on what I think is good. This makes me confused about what to do with my life.

October 18 2020 Today was not a fun day. My mind flew off the wire again. It Finally boiled up that I was completely confused with what to do with my life. This is what leads me to becoming ideological about things that are harmful to me anyway and I don't even like. My mind is making constant irrational thoughts and judgements about itself. I tried to use the life purpose course my evaluation of myself keeps changing. I had a lot of paralyzing anxiety coming up along with suicidal thoughts. I did not feel like getting out of bed. Granny said that she would call someone to help me tomorrow. My mind is currently telling me that spirituality was a mistake and I confused myself further by pursuing consciousness work. Before I wanted to become a chess master. My family wanted me to go to college so got stuck on what to do. I felt like I was being turned into some kind of lifeless zombie in the process of going through college. I am confused with what to do with my life and I am working at Kroger because of it. I can't use spirituality for a life purpose of value if I am as lost as I am. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. My last try is that times like these is when self love is needed most. I wish the best for you in finding your life purpose. I'm sorry I hurt you with my arrogance.

I was temporarily happy again with no serious problems. Today it came up that I am confused about what to do with my life. This is associated with suicidal thoughts and related to how I feel about working at Kroger. I am currently taking the life purpose course, but I am getting stuck because my mood swings alter my evaluation of myself significantly. My grandma intends to call a professional tomorrow. I have a lot of irrational thoughts and don't feel like getting out of bed. This is related to "I need to live up to my potential.". I was perfectly fine yesterday when I didn't take the medicine to reduce anxiety at all, but I still some up early.

October 17, 2020 I woke up early and did some stretching. My body was popping and it feels better without the tension. I then needed to go to work early. My thoughts were related to my clinging to power and control. I create more misery when attempting to claim truth. This is similar to claiming potential rather than being potential. I am also noticing that I am more peaceful when not caring about truth to much to feel high and mighty similar to beating myself for not being good enough. If I am conscious of what I am doing I discover I have more choices than I thought and I can use these additional options to maximize self love even though I have resistance now. I think resistance is my current identity coming into conflict with a new identity. It can burn and be painful, but I resolved some problems by doing this. I can improve my inner peace, joy, self love, body, emotional mastery, and more. This affects my entire way of thinking about life purpose and I am getting curious about perception. It affects everything I do. For example a threat is perceived relative to my present identity. The slippery slope is that fear is relative and it can be changed or removed through changing the identity creating the perception. This includes my fear of the truth to my family. I am worried that they will judge me. Instead I am currently texting a lot to my grandma to explain what comes up in my self reflection. I explained a lot of emotional trauma and how I am made more miserable when hating others. I would be happier loving my sister instead. I am grateful for my capacity for self reflection and I am becoming more tolerant of threats. This can improve my mind and body.

I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately and after a lot of burning, muscle spasms and tension, and some suffering, I have managed to unwire some toxic and harmful values. It came up that my motives for seeking the truth were very selfish. Like politics and religion, the function of idealizing truth can be to make me feel high and mighty which is hilarious. It was actually a painful process though. This relates to a lot of psychological trauma and the burning that came with my unconscious valuing of power. This creates an addiction to anger which leads to poisoning oneself. Making a claim to truth leads to pain. I think this superiority feeling leads to projections toward people who may do similar, but I am not really happy doing this. I remember that this was related to morality as well. I also am noticing how I cause myself to go against my interest because I think the truth is good and I would be doing a good thing. I am getting interested in the question "what is perception?". It affects a lot of my behaviors, reactions, emotions, and thoughts based on how any object relates to my identity. This is truth for truth's sake because I'm curious. It would also be helpful for understanding how I act and why. I have less of a desire to judge other people, but it is still there. The reason I am putting a lot of effort into consciousness work is because I think it can recontextualize how I think about my life purpose in a powerful way. This includes self improvement and self reflection in order to help me change the thoughts I have as a consequence of my identity. My mind is much more peaceful, joyful, and clear. My body is also less tense. Maybe someone out there can find this helpful. I think humility is useful for dealing with the source of the inner burning, but I still feel it to less intense degrees.

October 15-16 I started off with deeper levels of self reflection. My consciousness has been improving and I am seeing good results. After meditating on the woods for a bit and meditating outside the store, I kept an eye on devilry. It was too much to explain, but there were so many ways in which thinking can be used for devilry. I would be much happier if I could not sabotage myself with my own mind. My mind is a powerful and unique gift that consciousness helps me to master. After work I went to visit my grandma for the night and I did not access this website while there. I types a little bit of my book, best star wars galactic conquest on elite mode, and wrote a political song. At first I thought it was funny, but I tried to describe the emptiness and the lack of fulfillment beneath any position I ever have. If I actually make the song the political forum might tell me that it would start a religion, so I need to be careful of I continue. I meditated more deeply at Nanny's as well. It occurred to me that I have nothing better to do than love myself. Logically how else would I be happy and fulfilled? This makes me much more peaceful and happy. I am choosing joy and peace over what I have been doing. I think personal development affects how I think in a positive way. This gives me the ability to plan more clearly what I want to do with my life. If I continue to grow myself, or I find a way to maximize joy and peace, then making life decisions can be easier. I have to work early tomorrow. Good night, and don't try to claim truth because that is selfish, but the truth is selfless.

October 14, 2020 I did a lot today in terms of self reflection. Other things started falling off again. I needed to work 12-6. I left at about 9 or so after eating tuna. I think this improves my meditation combined with the smoothie. I am also getting tired faster. I got to the woods and meditated for a little bit. I kept my sheet and pen with me in case I decided to write. Eventually I wrote about my masks. You could call them my ego identities. I wrote about how deep down I am acting these things out and allowing them to occupy my mind because they are addicting. I feel down am not really happy with these things running my life. It leads to lying. At the root of these identities was my over thinking. All the way back when I was a child, I thought of thinking as a high form of intelligence and I over compensated. I used chess to reinforce my identity as a smart person resulting in my fear of being wrong or stupid. This came up in philosophy when I am constantly fearful that I might be wrong. My over thinking also adds to my indecisiveness and taking a long time in conversations and chess. In some regards it could make me dumber. My brain may work more efficiently if I don't over load myself with a limited form of intelligence. I would be happy to see who I become without this identity. I would probably judge myself a lot less for small mistakes and avoid perfectionism. Maybe I would be less anxious and more peaceful without my mind playing the devil's advocate. There may be much more for me to gain. Furthermore, I am considering going back to college. I would go back to college if I could use it for personal development. I can't go wrong with using college to become the best person I can possibly be. I did not yet ask anybody for what kinds of courses you should take in college for personal development. I recognize that I find beauty in logic when it works out elegantly yet can seem complicated. This points me toward philosophy, practical psychology, and maybe something else. I feel obligated to do something for money though. I don't know what I would do if I went to college for financial independence. I am indecisive on choosing my values still. I have a lot of neurotic values. I think that spirituality is helping me to untangle these harmful identities. This is why I think consciousness, truth, and love are ultimately helpful for clearing my mind for my life purpose. I no longer wish to be stuck in my head with pseudo happiness created by my drama. I want to find what truly makes me happy and I am ready to change. I think I found some hints for my life purpose. I did some yoga with my sister. I remembered how I struggled to love her more and I twisted spirituality such that I rationalized poor behavior. I don't want to do this, but I at least acknowledge it to myself. I stayed for a minute and I started loving her more. Maybe I am doing better now. I feel like there is still ego in what I am doing, but structuring my life purpose in a way that makes me a better person can not possibly be a bad idea. This can only be good. I had an intuition that spirituality would change my life purpose, and it is affecting me. I am good. I won't call myself evil, but I can improve. I am not conscious that I am God, but I can work on this. I hope to love you more.

October 13, 2020 I did pretty good today. I finished chapter 3 and slept a little better than the past two nights. I still feel behind on chapter 4. I will have to work a fair by to get caught up for the rest of the week. I also plan to spend the night at my grandma's house. I can take my papers with me. I wonder how much I can possibly get done. I did a lot of work on self reflection and the self actualization. I watched the consequences of my judgements and I saw how they backfire on themselves and make me worse. I discovered many important things about myself in my writing and speaking to myself. In the process I managed to become aware of my own projections. I can only keep up my devilry if I am unaware or I ignore how I am hurting myself. My projections include Trump, religion, and my mom. I think my sister actually does have a lot of negative thinking like me. She focuses on the negatives a lot. I am not doing this because I want to say she is somehow worse than me because judgement bites. I am doing this because I want to make life easier for both of us. My projections are related to things I do not like about myself. My denial is lying. So long as I do not accept where I stand, I will leave myself stuck. I had resistance, but it is going away. I like self love because it allows me to stop lying about myself. I want to live a happy existence. It is a little painful to be aware of my projections, but I like the expanded awareness. It does a lot for building a good life. On one side note I had some point had faith that consciousness would be good for me because I was too unconscious to see the difference. That includes now if I can't see above me. When I left the woods today I started explaining how I was doing to other people. I needed a second to formulate my answer, but I told them about how acceptance helps me to not lie to myself and projection is a manifestation of my unconscious self deception. I don't think anybody understood me, but at least I answered the question "How are you" accurately. I then proceeded to continue the exercise from the life purpose course. I am still stuck because I am indecisive on determining what I want to do. I seem to have some form of OCD with jumping back and forth between answers and not trusting my intuition. I need to have a more clear mind in order to be as authentic as possible. This is a clue to what makes me happy. Have a nice night.

October 12, 2020 I still did not sleep well. I need to get off soon. Throughout the day I had some intense thinking. My thoughts were racing and completely irrational. I don't know what to do when my mind flies off the wire. So far it looks like talking to a professional is my best bet. Granny refused the money for the book I was writing. I still will continue this goal of one chapter a week. I'm just tired today though. I was not very productive today. I see how my evaluation of my values is changing. I want to get a solid grasp of this, but I have a lot of negative values guiding my decisions. I tried working on positive thinking after failing to get a nap. This is when it started getting interesting. I did some self reflection and I don't need to tell you about it because external validation never works for me. In this case I am okay on the inside, and I can choose to tell you. It came up for me that I am creating what is true. This is how all worldviews are relative, but I also lie to create its trueness. The way reality works is weird, paradoxical and twisted. I am confused on how to adjust to this weirdness, but when I do, I can apply the wisdom to my entire life. The challenge is that all wisdom depends on the frame of reference and can not be made permanent. If I try to make an insight permanent, it will eventually fall apart and did anyway such that it is no longer true. This means I can't really rely on any self created rulebook I try to make in order to make sense of reality. That may include what I just said. I find more joy in self reflection than I do in judging others. I wish for you to improve your physical health and recognize the backfiring mechanism of saying I want to sleep. I do all of this as an expression of self love.

@silene I do plan to see a someone about this. I can also get back to the fruit smoothies pretty soon as that and push ups through the day would probably help more than just walking or running. Thanks for the thought.

October 11, 2020 I did not sleep at all last night. I then worked 8 hours and was exhausted when I got back home. Next I was unable to get all the rest I wanted and I lost the rest of the day. I think if I use the lunch breaks, then I will not exhaust myself to the point that I lose the value of the rest of the day. This is something worth considering. I had a lot of racing thoughts all day. It ultimately lead to me crying because I realized how much I hurt myself through compromising what makes me happy for other people. This is self sacrificing and it is the guiding toxic value that leads me to scenarios I don't like. I end up ignoring my intuition and I want to listen to myself more. I want to know who I would be without the self sacrificing. I understand it is a tall order and I inflicted a lot of suffering. I want to know what it would be like to live self actualized. I don't want to destroy myself. You are always good and trying your best. I want you to live in peace.