trenton

@Sugarcoat your entire post described me very accurately. I constantly imagined myself as very social and charismatic because I hated myself and I think I can't do it. I fail all the time even though I'm trying to be good. It is so fucking painful. People tell me to accept myself, but they don't accept me because I hurt them without wanting to. It is fucking painful and it makes me hate myself. I want to be different, but I can't. It hurts.

@Sincerity you have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you. As for my father, my favorite thing about him is that he's dead. The joy he brought to the family by dying was good. I'm grateful for that.

@jimwell thank you very much. I considered killing myself because of the fear that I would murder my step father. I understood that I would rather die than become a monster. It seems that I felt like I was a terrible person due to some kind of childhood imprinting. I believed I didn't have the freedom to not be like my father. There is the whole narrative about me carrying on my father's name, but it's ridiculous, I never believed it. Basically, the entire family has been full of criminals for a very long time. He and his father were hoping that one day the cycle would end. They placed their hope on me. I'm not carrying their name though.

I tried. I didn't finish the forgiveness video. It's difficult. There is a lot of intense emotions that I don't have the energy to deal with. There's a lot of anger I don't know how to deal with. It was getting hard to breathe. I might try the exercise outside with fresh air.

@Raze if you are referring to the OCD book, then no. I instead started using OCD videos and they were helpful at first. I stopped watching the videos once I started taking anti depressants designed to help with OCD. The doctor told me to stop taking the anti depressants because I was experiencing increased feelings of sadness. This is my first day without the pills and I feel anxious. I am changing again and I don't understand what's happening.

It's so intense that I'm hyper ventilating just thinking about it. I'm slowly getting a hold of myself. It is tough, but I I'm sure I can do it. It's so hard. I'm afraid of not begin able to control myself as I fail to wear a condom and cause something bad to happen. I'm so scared that people think I'm gay. I was bullied at school as the kids called me a fa*****. My dad threatened to disown me if I were gay. My grandma was worried that I wanted to have sex with men as she preached the bible and told me how horrible sex with other men would be. My mom thought I was gay. My sisters thought I was gay. It's just so hard to get over the fear of how women could cause me to act. I think women make it very tempting for men to act stupid. I want to maintain judgement rather than losing it. It's so hard, but I am slowly finding the balance to keep myself in control. I'm scared, but I know that this fear is just the emotions connected to a thought. I can do this. I want to be a man.

Important observation I am afraid of vagina because I love it so much that I'm afraid of doing something stupid. I have a hard time trusting myself not to do something stupid. I am struggling with this intense fear. I can tell that it impedes my judgement and it terrifies me. It causes me such a headache that I am struggling with so much. I'm trying to trust myself and to overcome these feelings, but I find it so difficult. I am trying to trust myself not to do something stupid, but it is so hard.

I'm afraid of the temptation to use trauma as an excuse for selfishness. I'm afraid of the temptation to use autism as an excuse for selfishness. This is why I lived in denial of the extent to which these things affect me or hurt me. I want to be better than using my pain as an excuse to pass it on. I'm afraid that if I don't restrain myself, then I will hurt others and/or hurt myself when my selfishness ultimately backfires. Not only would it hurt to be called out on my selfishness, but it would also hurt others through discrediting their trauma. The fear that I would do these things led to thoughts like "I hate myself." I understand that all of this is a struggle for love confused for self hatred.

@Schizophonia I talked to the therapist. It was intense. He said he's gonna check up on me in a couple of days. I should be fine. It's just a lot.

I read that book already. I think it places too much emphasis on the Catholics. The author probably had a shadow there. In order to forgive my father I must also forgive myself. The similarity I am afraid of is selfishness. Throughout my life I have hurt others and enjoyed it. I bullied a mentally disabled kid and made him cry when I was in daycare. I did something sexual with my sister when I was six. I tortured the cats when I was a teenager. I beat my sister upside the head with a boot. I got into a fight with her in the car when I was in high school. I was afraid that I would murder my step father over a complicated situation, likewise dad said he would kill him. I didn't call the police on my mother, father, and step father because I loved them. I'm now confused about my feelings toward my step father. I'm confused. The list goes on. I used spirituality to avoid facing life. Maybe I'll try the forgiveness exercise later. I've got a lot on my mind. It's crazy. I think my life purpose is to be a better dad than dad.

All of you are right about the man I used to be. A lot of childhood trauma is coming up and is a lot. I talked to the therapist and my doctor. It was intense. The reason I hated myself so much was because I would rather die than be like my father. I was so afraid of being like my father that it prevented me from developing parental instincts. I now feel like they are starting to come online. I want to be a better dad than dad. Its intense. But yes, I want vagina. I am staying productive despite my complete emotional wreck. It is just so much to take in.

@Sincerity I'm not angry with my father. I'm angry with myself. I hate my similarities. It is my own selfishness that I am afraid of. @Schizophonia I have a few similar tendencies like going for walks and how our brains work. I just don't trust myself sometimes. A lot of it is because of how I behaved as a child. If I don't hold myself back, I am afraid I will act like that child. It makes me hate myself.

Quick update. Something good just happened. My sister got locked out of her car. I was interrupted because I was the only one who could help her. Mom wasn't answering the phone and she had the spare key in her house. I was afraid of driving, so grandma asked me to run to mom's house and get the spare key. Instead I drove. I then got mom up so she can get the spare key. Mom said I could ride as with her as she drove out to get my sister. Instead I drove again! Unfortunately, I almost hit a car and that's why I'm scared of backing out especially. Ultimately, the mission was successful though. Mom offered to drive me home, but I just drove myself again! My sister was concerned that I didn't know the way back. I went on so many walks that I know a million ways back. so mission accomplished. Onto my next task of getting a better paying job that allows me to be unavailable on weekends. @NoSelfSelf thanks for the advice.

@NoSelfSelf good point. Thank you.

@NoSelfSelf thank you. I realize that. I am just dealing with a lot of intense anger at the moment. It is leading to painful headaches and seems counterproductive. I was going to try going for a walk or meditating for a bit. I'll see how I feel then.

I have been trying to build a life purpose from scratch, but I can't do it. The life purpose course didn't help as much as I hoped it would. At least one of my highest values in life is peace of mind. I have been struggling for peace of mind through self education and emotional mastery techniques, but it was never enough.

I really struggle with making a meaningful impact. I don't see how I'm supposed to go about doing any major life purpose. I may be tearing myself apart by placing high standards on myself to be a majorly successful person who changes the world. I don't know what else a meaningful impact would entail. It makes me feel very confused about myself, my life, and my purpose. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to change. I considered moving out, but there are a lot of problems with that. First of all, dad is dead and he was a horrible drug dealer who fled the state to avoid paying child support anyway. Unfortunately, I never had a good role model in my life and I felt forced to figure everything out about life myself. I still feel like I hate myself. I truly doubt the rest of my family would help me pay rent because my grandma is already charging me 500$ a month. My mom can't help with rent because she not only blew through all the inheritance from grandpa, but even was desperate enough to take money from my bank account. She managed to put all the money back after my abusive step father was evicted. It looks like mom has changed. I don't want to ask her to help me pay rent though because it feels preposterous to me. I still feel like I want to kill myself sometimes, so I tried therapy. Its a long story, but I don't act on those thoughts. In any case, I always felt that I was on my own. My relationships feel hollow because I never believed my parents to be good role models. I don't see good role models anywhere. This made me resistant to socializing with other kids at school, especially seeing how horrible they were as they bullied me, believing me to be a fa*****. I wanted to move out, but it feels very hard to do. I still work at a dead end job that pays dirt and I have no passion for it whatsoever. The closest thing to a passionate life I ever felt was playing in chess tournaments. The only way for chess to be economically viable is to become a professional player. I wanted to do this, but now I'm not sure because I feel even more confused about life. How am I doing anything significant? What am I supposed to get out of continuing college? If there were a major about becoming a professional chess player, then I would have taken it in a heartbeat, but now I don't know. I stopped at an associate degree for lack of a vision. I still feel like I hate myself. I'm having doubts about whether I want to become a professional chess player or not now. I don't know. I'm confused. I don't know what to do with my life. I always wanted to do my best to be a good person, but I have nothing to live for. That's why I try to find a higher purpose, but I never found one. I'm sorry if I make my situation sound dire or if I sound like a bit of victim. I feel like I hate my life because my intrinsic desires seem to be what causes me so many problems. There is no life worth living of your intrinsic desires make your life terrible because by default you will be a slave to extrinsic desires. Autism may also be a factor in my intrinsic desires being a problem to most people. I want to be in control of my life, but I don't know what to do. I feel lost. Sorry for being the way I am. I want to change but I keep failing.

I'm 24.

This isn't hard. You could say "teaching kids about LGBTQ." The way it is phrased falsely implies grooming.

@StarStruck dude, when you use the phrase "going after kids" you are doing the same thing as Christians and Muslims who scapegoat LGBTQ as pedophiles and groomers. It is completely wrong and is very low conscious behavior. Christians and Muslims are going after kids all the time because they want to indoctrinate them too. Some of them actually are pedophiles if you look at the sex scandals that happen in religious institutions. Do you see how stupid it is to scapegoat people as pedophiles? It could easily be done for Christians and Muslims as well. Scapegoating LGBTQ as groomers as you are currently doing is completely asinine. You clearly have no interest in being impartial on issues of grooming, pedophilia, or indoctrination.

The war in Ukraine has had many developments in the past few weeks. Ukraine has liberated 6000 square kilometers in the north eastern region, pushing the Russian soldiers back as the defensive lines collapsed. This lead to low morale as soldiers lost faith in their commanders. Many Russian soldiers are attempting to desert the military because they don't want to be there. There are many signs that the Russian military operations are failing, but nobody wants to deliver the bad news. The propaganda pretends that all of it is according to plan as the Russian military lost hundreds of vehicles. It is better to admit a mistake than try to justify it. Some civilians are rebelling against the occupying forces even though Russian soldiers were told they would be welcomed as heroes. As the lies of propaganda are unraveled, militaries begin to collapse. Of course the war is not over yet and Ukraine has lost a greater proportion of its forces than the Russian military. It is interesting to see how lies are meant to serve the survival of national pride, yet clinging to these lies only accelerates its collapse. This happened with America in Afghanistan as well because the leadership did not want to admit that it was a useless 20 year war. People who tell the truth in war are commonly punished for spreading "misinformation" especially in Russia right now. Even so it still can be seen when the media in America gives you a biased picture of America's war crimes while ignoring the war crimes of our allies. This is part of the reason why many other countries hate us and it can be a factor in America's decline as a world power.

@Razard86 when you make the lesser of two evils argument, you appear to feel that both sides are a net negative on society. If I recall correctly, Leo in his conscious politics series mentioned that Democrat and Republican is a false choice. Both are wrong for their own unique reasons with the Republican party being more corrupt.

I have come to the realization that there is no reason for love other than for love's sake. If there is a reason for love, then it is conditional. For example, if you love to reduce suffering, then you may not love suffering, and you thus suffer more. I have been trying some exercises in loving the unlovable. I felt intense feelings of distraught as well as intense feelings of hatred throughout the process. Hatred was physically painful and my heart beat started to scare me. It looks like love gives us life and hatred gives us death. Even in the face of pure brutality and the destruction of everything you hold dear, love gives us life force. It may not heal you completely if the brutality was that bad, but unconditional love seems to cut your losses. Still this is a pragmatic perspective on love to look at it in terms of what it does for you. Perhaps the wisdom of love is that it makes us more open to reality as it is. If hatred is the refusal to accept a certain reality then love should align us with truth. I am skeptical of tying love to truth because of how often it is stated in the forum. I want to make sure that this is not some form of social conditioning. At the same time reality looks beautiful to me. I noticed that my mind making explanations for things is not the work and is a form of distraction. I did this at school and work a lot to relieve boredom by making time tick by faster. It becomes maladaptive daydreaming. I have been noticing the beauty of the things around me more as my mind quiets down. I give credit to the anti depressants that treat OCD and as a side affect ruin my appetite. I feel happy and peaceful though. What happens if I love unconditionally?

@Razard86 I have to disagree with you quite a bit. The difference between the Democratic party and the Republican party is an attempted insurrection on the basis of lies. Conservative media outlets scrambled for a false equivalence at every turn. The Republican party is much more corrupt and they stand to gain from the false equivalence between left and right. Looking at politics and calling it the blame game assumes equal responsibility just by looking at the surface.

This is a good point. I felt that something still wasn't quite right. Love for love's sake is still a reason. If love just is then that makes it easier. I felt some resistance trying to love for love's sake. This is still relative love and it is easy to get lost in it. Thank you.