trenton

I remember I built confidence for chess tournaments. Before the tournament I would review my best winning games against strong opponents. Keeping these memories fresh reminds me of my strength and competence as a player. I feel like a winner walking into the chess tournament. The director already sees that I will win the tournament because I have a certain determined look in my eyes. Before the game I might sit in silence in a calm meditation to get in touch with presence and focus. Finally, I sit down at my table and I'm ready to play at my best.

I've had a tense conflict within myself for a long time. Due to a dysfunctional childhood, I rejected my parents' way of life and developed a strict sense of morality in opposition to their criminal behavior. This strict moral compass included the domain of sexuality as well as I witnessed inappropriate behavior from other kids at school such as sexual assault. However, although I rejected these morally problematic behaviors, I still had part of me that would have intrusive fantasies including sexual assault fantasies after being assaulted myself and being confused by the pleasure with which the perpetrator acted. It was like part of me had some kind of desire to act out and do something impulsive that is thought to be improper. This is a tension that has been well known in philosophy and religion for a long time, but it has never been resolved in a healthy way. I started my investigation by looking at the history of how lust was understood in religion. I remembered that in ancient Christianity, lust was not just sexual desire, but it included other desires. I found that originally what we now call lust was supposed to mean any compulsive or obsessive desire that overrides better judgement. For example, in the case of sexual assault, it is not just sexual gratification, but it is mainly transgression seeking. Transgression seeking seems to be the source of much of this temptation. A serious problem in both religion and in schools is that they often have very uptight and strict moral codes. This uptightness creates what is called the forbidden fruit effect. When certain actions become so strongly condemned, it paradoxically adds to the temptation to actually make that transgression. This is why when religion strongly condemns sexual desires and lust as immoral, it creates purity culture which backfires by creating an environment in which many people in the church are now struggling with intrusive sexual fantasies. A similar problem happens in school. Kids don't want to be there and they are bored. The outcome of this environment is that the class clown will start violating social norms, gaining a lot of attention and laughs in the process. These are both examples of how strict moral rules and uptightness can end up creating the very problems they are trying to solve. So, it seems that these desires for transgression cannot be stopped with more morality. There needs to be someway to balance morality with this human desire for transgression that cannot be disciplined away. I started looking at people like comedians. Often times they make various sexual jokes. These sexual jokes are often very funny because they trigger the human desire for transgression, but do it in a way that is awkward, absurd, and satirized. For example, when I went to a comedy club and watched a comedian, he made jokes along the following lines. "Oh, hey I'm going to Starbucks." "why are you going to Starbucks?" "Oh, I'm not going to Starbucks to get coffee. I am going to Starbucks because there is a hole in the wall behind the counter that I use for my pleasure. Why did you think I was going to Starbucks?" The reason people find these sorts of jokes funny is because it takes our desire for transgression against social norms and satirizes them into absurdity. The fact that transgression seeking often takes a sexual form is almost incidental as there are various humorous ways to transgress social norms. The implications are that perhaps the tension we have around these social norms can be alleviated through humor, but it needs to be done in a way that does not cause harm to others. For example, a more problematic way of using sexual humor might be something like cat calling. There might be a group of men who start drawing attention to a woman's butt or breasts. This is much more likely to be offensive because the joke is directed at the woman. The difference between this example and the comedian is that the sexual joke was not directed at anyone in particular, but rather it was in an isolated situation that was satirized. This is why some ways of seeking transgression might be more acceptable than others. This makes is seem that our temptation and our desire for transgression can be channeled into harmless humor by poking fun at social norms. I have done this myself in various ways. For example, sometimes people would call me weird because my autistic behaviors. I would respond to this with something like "from my point of view everybody else is weird and I'm the only normal person in the room." Most people didn't seem to find this funny though. The reason I found it funny is because I was making fun of the relativity of normalcy. Normalcy is whatever the local group just happens to agree upon. This is why people in ancient Egypt would think we are bizarre because we are not worshipping animal headed Gods. Likewise, as someone with autism, my behavior feels natural and normal to me even if others might find it odd. In a group full of people with autism, my behavior would like seem much more acceptable and normal in that context. I did find a way to transgress social norms in a way that humorous, but not harmful. In this case I was in the hospital getting blood work done. I was stuck with a needle, but the doctor did not give me a lollypop. I started complaining about how I didn't get any candy in front of others despite being a grown adult. I complained that this was outrageous and unfair because I had a boo boo and nothing to show for it. Others seemed to find this very funny. The reason this is funny is because I am violating a commonly assumed social norm that adults should not receive candy, but children should receive candy. I started raising questions about why adults can't have candy. Is it because once I turn 18 it isn't manly enough to eat a box of chocolates so I have to smoke cigarettes instead? That isn't any healthier. This kind of social norm creates an air of professionalism, but it isn't actually morally necessary to not give adults candy. This kind of joke seemed to be well received because I was making fun of institutional norms rather than directing my joke at any particular person. Sometimes these norms are arbitrary and ultimately have no necessary moral basis for existing. A similar example would be something like the arbitrary social tension when getting in an elevator. Everybody stays quiet and it becomes artificially tense. This obviously opens the door for fart jokes that break the silence. The reason fart jokes are funny is because it breaks silent tension through basic bodily functions. Another example I found is when people ask me "how are you?" People don't expect a serious answer when they ask this, so I give an absurd answer instead. I tell them "I am like a flaming eagle eating a summer hot dog on the fourth of July." There are a wide range of absurd answers you could give to these kinds of questions that are not harmful to others. This kind of self-exploration has led me to a creative project in humor. I am trying to identify different social norms that can be safely violated without harming others. An interesting paradox is that if balanced correctly, this kind of non-harmful humor could lead more moral behavior by loosening up and releasing the uptightness around morality which itself is the source of strong temptation, creating a lack of inner harmony. However, it becomes risky if the joke is directed at a specific person, as this often becomes sexual harassment. This kind of behavior then does not get taken seriously because it is dismissed as just a joke or boys being boys when it actually is harmful. In such cases this kind of transgression seeking is not being properly channeled and it indeed does lead to morally problematic behavior. I also recognize that transgression seeking is common in issues like political correctness with conservatives being more likely to use racial slurs or dead name transgender people simply because it is that easy to cause an uproar by the leftist snowflakes. Once again, this is humor at someone else's expense which makes it morally problematic. What do you think about these reflections on morality, temptation, and humor? Are you able to identify any social norms that can safely be violated in a humorous way without harming others?

There has been a shift in consciousness. Something is being recognized that wasn't being recognized before. It is something fundamental to existence. There is direct experience, interpretation of direct experience, imagination, and God. This thread will discuss what was seen and realized. Try to start off by recognizing the extent to which interpretation and imagination shape the experienced relationship with reality. Notice the extent of these interpretations and how they are often held as true or as reality. There is an interpretation that there is trueness in these interpretations and that they are reality without being recognized as imagination. For example, get in touch with this direct experience. Notice that in this direct experience there may be an interpretation that there is a you, a human being, experiencing this experience. Recognize that that is imagination being held as reality, but it is actually an interpretation of this experience. Try to focus consciousness on this recognition that you are a story being imagined within this is experience. There is reality, and then there is the interpretation that there is a you which is being held as true. It seems that this forum speaks of this a lot, but do you really see it? Part of your feelings and thoughts may look at these words and interpret it as mere philosophy. There is a deeply held interpretation that you are still a human being in this reality rather than reality itself, but it is so deeply held as real that just saying these things might not be enough to see it rather than merely believe it. Try to notice that you are imagining that you are a human being, and try to notice how this interpretation of reality might feel true and real. It actually isn't real. That is a story that you are a human being. Try to notice that you are imagining this. Of course there is also the imagination that there are others separate from me. This is an interpretation of direct experience such that the imagination is held as true reality. It starts to seem that perhaps the root of all evil is that fundamentally I feel that I am the only thing real in the universe. I never experience anything outside of me, yet I imagine that such things exist. The trick is that although the human being Trenton may not be omniscient, the universe is omniscient. The information travels around and may come across this human being Trenton, but the universe was never actually separate. Try to notice that there is an interpretation that things are separate from you rather than being you, and notice that this is imagination being held as reality. A source of confusion may be that awakening involves some crazy radical experience. This sets the wrong expectation. What is happening is nothing radical, but rather a subtle shift in consciousness which has radical implications. This subtle shift in consciousness is to recognize that your imagination and interpretations for what they are while getting in touch with direct experience. Try to see who you are without this conceptual overlay and the stories. It almost seems as if survival instincts drive one into imagination, stories, and falsehoods, making it difficult to see these stories for what they are. Actualized.org is founded on this one insight. All the other videos are exploring the implications of this one insight. This includes oneness, relativity, love, truth, deconstruction, spirituality, and so on and so forth. It appears that Leo is explaining what God is like. Recognize the Leo is also a story being imagined to be separate from you. It is almost like reality is being constructed through imagination, but the imagination does not recognize itself as imagination. This is what the spiritual teachings try to point out, but they become very abstract and then devolve into dogma and ideology. They may say that this is not about belief and ideology, but just hearing that does not allow you to notice the imagination that is held as reality. It is not enough to hear the talking. The shift in consciousness is what reveals what is being pointed to. There are many who have tried to point to this and put it into words. The words often cause more confusion because of the assumptions embedded in language which imply separation. Notice these assumptions being held in language that seem to imply that things are separate. There is a snuck premise or snuck interpretation that there really is a you and that there are separate others. The result is that trying to describe God might backfire because it is hard to notice this subtle difference in consciousness, hence the same old assumptions are held as reality and this as mere philosophy. Do you see it? Do you see that you are God imagining all of these stories which seem convincing and seem like reality? Are you absorbed in these stories so thoroughly that it is hard to see this subtle shift? Where is the you absorbed in these stories? Is that not more imagination and interpretations of experiences, feelings, and thoughts? Are these words still implying that there is a me separate from you, and thus causing confusion? The existence of you is a story being interpreted as real and as reality. That is imagination and only one particular way of experiencing reality. Try to notice suffering. Try to notice that the story that there is a you suffering exacerbates suffering because of this belief. What else to say? This is God and God is the only thing that is real. This kind of flips everything on its head when God is no longer held as a mere belief or idea that is not reality. The interpretation then becomes dominant leading to confusion. It becomes hard to see what is being pointed to. I am reality. I am God.

Yep words are part of the problem. Hence it leads to confusion. The separation is the snuck premise in language.

To my memory, Leo appeared to treat this test as if it were proof that he was not a narcissist. According to my research on narcissism, he likely does have some narcissistic traits although it is hard to say to what degree and this test is not reliable. This also highlights to paradox of defensiveness where obviously a narcissist would not want to admit it because it seems undesirable, but at the same time there could be honest denial of exhibiting the traits to the extent that is claimed. At the end of the day, narcissistic traits do not make you a bad person because they are survival strategies that develop from dysfunctional families due to children not feeling loved or special. I understand that narcissistic traits typically come about from adverse childhood experiences, especially in dysfunctional families. If Leo's father was someone like a conman for example, then his father likely had some narcissistic behaviors. Children often learn these patterns of behavior from their parents in dysfunctional systems. A few narcissistic patterns seen in Leo in some cases might be things like holding his insights in a way that might make him seem special compared to others. This would be spiritual ego which happens automatically and beyond conscious control if it is rooted in a need to feel special. It is not something that can be consciously turned off if it is happening to you. That said, if Leo really is extremely conscious, then he probably has worked through a lot of shadow material which would be the root cause of narcissistic traits and behaviors. However, narcissism isn't something that can be eliminated entirely. It can be reduced or channeled in more productive ways, but it can't be eliminated completely. It seems to take a lot of unconditional self love and consciousness in order to allow these narcissistic patterns to be seen, understood, and accepted regardless of whether it is socially acceptable or not. Most narcissists fail at this because their self-esteem is too unstable to begin so they can't face this darkness within themselves. The result is that most narcissists never change and they continue with the same childhood survival strategy that will never bring them happiness and fulfillment because the entire complex is based on the lie that they are unworthy of love while they are trying to lie themselves into an alternate reality of grandiosity in which they appear to be loved, but it is still hollow.

I have been doing some self-reflection lately as I uncovered various narcissistic traits. I thought of the narcissist test Leo published a couple of years ago. I recalled how I scored very low on the test. However, I recently retook the test and now scored much higher at 17 rather than a low single digit number. I took this test after I had uncovered a ton of shadow material and repressed emotions that spoke to my narcissistic nature. Many of these things were unconscious because they went against my conscious moral reasoning. That said, I would like to describe how I uncovered these narcissistic traits. I discovered first that I came from a family with a narcissistic system. My father was likely a combination of a narcissist, a sociopath, and psychopath. He was involved in many crimes including fleeing the State to avoid paying child support. I also had a mother with bipolar disorder who also had various narcissistic traits. In these kinds of systems, it is usually the eldest sibling who develops to most narcissistic traits. In this case it would be my older sister. I looked deeply into her behavior and I found that she matched many of the patterns of a vulnerable narcissist. She was covert, used textbook narcissistic tactics like DARVO, used various projections in terms of my motives and behaviors, identified as the golden child which is common, and did many other things as well. Narcissism usually is the result of adverse childhood experiences. In my case I was not old enough to remember the day Dad left and abandoned us. My sister likely was old enough to remember this and realize the abandonment, becoming a common wound at the core of vulnerable narcissism. Although I did not develop narcissistic traits in the same way as my sister, there were other experiences which shattered my sense of self worth and triggered the creation of a compensatory identity. In this case it was related to child sexual abuse. The therapists I worked with tend to label what happened as sexual abuse, although the situation may be more complicated as I have fragmented memories from the incident. This alternative traumatic experience which shattered my sense of self-worth became an alternative adverse childhood experience which triggered various narcissistic patterns. Many of the traits I developed became core to my character and shaped how I moved through life significantly. The problem is that my narcissistic patterns were much more covert and hidden compared to what narcissistic tests typically look for. Part of the reason they were thoroughly hidden is because they went against my moral compass and thus became hidden even to me. My narcissistic tests look for overt grandiosity or a lack of empathy, but these obvious and classic narcissistic patterns did not manifest in the same way in my case. The main reason is because in my case I actually did have genuine empathy and genuine moral development which prevented me from exploiting others and manipulating them which is commonly looked for in such tests. The most alarming narcissistic trait I discovered was that beneath my surface level empathy and caring for others, deep down there was part of me that wanted others to experience my pain. Sometimes this would take the form of intrusive violent fantasies including rape fantasies. I did not understand what was happening to me so I tried to push past it. There was moral OCD around these thought patterns and the fear of becoming a sexual predator had I acted on such thoughts. My therapists reassured me that I was a good person, but they missed something deeper and more disturbing at play. Deep down part of me had desires similar to actual child predators that my psyche was struggling with. Sometimes child predators who were sexually abused might want others to feel as powerless and degraded as they were. In this case such desires obviously went against my morals so these desires were deeply suppressed and hidden from me. Nobody would suspect that I would feel this way deep down because of my surface appearance of genuine empathy and moral development, but in reality the source of my intense anxiety was wanting to victimize and degrade others as I was even though my rational mind knew it was wrong and did not want that. Rather than bein outwardly grandiose, I sought internal compensatory mechanisms. In this case I would not brag to others, but I would be seeking a higher purpose or life purpose to justify my existence despite my suffering. The problem is that due to the shattered self esteem, I was easily overtaken by megalomania in searching for things to make existence worth it. My life purpose goals became inflated and unrealistic because nothing would be enough to compensate the wounds I was carrying. This became a source of both intellectual crusading and a savior complex. I was conscious enough not to brag or boast about intelligence or the savior complex because I knew how it would come off, but I was not conscious enough to not operate under these feelings. It was as if although I rationally understood the problem of these things, my complexes would have a mind or agenda of their own which I could not consciously override. This led to a sense of moral and intellectual superiority beneath my surface level intelligence and morality which was hidden from others pretty well most of the time. The megalomania I was operating was driven by intense anxiety around existential questions that were left unresolved. I would be fearful that deep down my life didn't actually matter much. I wanted my existence to be felt and for my suffering to be meaningful. This led to a martyr complex which is common in many trauma survivors. The narcissistic pattern is that my suffering somehow made me special or noble in some way. This led to a bind in which part of me genuinely valued goodness, truth, and love, but I valued these things for the wrong reasons as they were ultimately to defend my shattered self-esteem rather than coming from a place of abundance. It became another source of proving as I came to believe my value was degraded by being a bad person deserving of suffering and shame. This created a means of hiding my narcissistic traits because I became highly self-critical rather than overtly entitled as a consequence of trauma which in turn made the narcissistic patterns easy to miss. In reality the savior complex was rooted in a fundamental desire to have others beneath me, making it not much difference from wanting to be a dictator who dominates others beneath me, hence my world domination fantasies as well. Another interesting point is that when I did accidentally harm someone, it triggered intense shame and guilt. It is because I was trying to hide the wound of feeling fundamentally broken. The result is that internally the harm would become more about my guilt and shame rather than the harm caused. However, on the outside I took responsibility for the harm caused in order to repair the image. This is different from most narcissistic patterns which use classic DARVO tactics in which they defensively reverse victim of offender and make you the problem. This surface appearance of outwardly taking responsibility created another layer of plausible deniability in terms of narcissistic traits. There is a subtle distinction between moral action because I don't want to feel bad versus moral action because I don't want others to feel bad. In a subtle way my moral action was about me. Of course there was much more I discovered. I could elaborate on it some other time. What do you think of these discoveries? Do you think researching narcissism and honest self-reflection might be more reliable than these tests? I think honest self-reflection is better than these tests because it made these patterns more conscious rather than hidden.

@Hojo I did notice that problem when I took it. Some of the prompts were unclear and I could have plausibly picked either and it would make sense in my mind. This is the problem with self evaluation because we often misinterpret our own behaviors and why we do them. We make stories that seem plausible without seeing the unconscious material. That's why I sometimes felt that both could be true at the same time. This is kind of a paradox in self reflection because how do you know you can trust your thoughts about who you are? It was like certain insights could only emerge and become conscious once I cultivated unconditional self love regardless of any darkness I may harbor.

I think it may help if you frame the issue a little differently. The way I see it is that porn is a serious issue in that there are human traffickers who profit from exploiting the corruption and weaknesses within the porn industry. This might not be an issue inherent to porn itself, but rather how it is being used. Is this perspective acceptable to you? What if I say human trafficking is a serious issue instead of porn?

So far I am not finding anything on awakening within religion or Jesus. What I am finding is something different. It is the power of radical recontextualization, narrative rewrite, and the flexibility of identity. Basically, I am looking at different myths and seeing them in a way that they reflect my own life experiences. What I discovered is that I could potentially use a religious framework like the Bible to explain my entire life. This creates a fundamental shift in identity which often leads to conversion beyond surface level professing belief. This might be a necessary position of what we would call the true believer, but this carries its own problems with unfalsifiable positions. Similarly, I found that I could use various frameworks aside from religious ones to rewrite my entire life story. This opens up a broad range of possibilities in terms of meaning making. It is like I discovered the mechanisms behind conversion and I am finding ways to apply it to other forms of narrative rewrite. I am holding many perspectives simultaneously while seeing how they can be logically self consistent while seeing what they reveal or obscure. That said, I don't know if any of this leads to awakening. But it does seem to be an intriguing subject to explore as I use various myths, extract meaning and use them to reinterpret my life and who I am. This is how I use things like religion as a tool for self discovery a long with other myths. I have developed a system of multiple interpretations and it seems to carry staggering implications about what ego and identity is if it is truly so flexible and can be rewritten. It is worth exploring even if I don't discover God in the process.

I have been contemplating the religious themes that I saw in my dreams. There were various Christian themes such as seeing Jesus, a black abyss, a white light, and a sense of martyrdom in deep suffering intended to transform me. In the dream, I willing jumped into the abyss with confidence that although parts of me would break, there would be an unbroken essence which is my true nature. This true nature seems to be reflected in figures like Jesus, just like other spiritual masters who might point to it. In the case of Jesus and Christianity, there is this concept of "Christ in you." It would be Jesus living on in us through the holy spirit. This got me thinking that if Jesus is in me and Jesus is my true nature, then what does that mean? Apparently, Jesus is held as God within the Christian religion. So, if Jesus is God, then that would mean that God is my true nature. If God is my true nature, then it means that I was never separate from love, truth, and the light because they were within me the entire time. The separation from God would be the illusion because it is impossible to be anything separate from God if that is who I am. Right now I see how it would make sense to conclude that I am God, but I don't seem to fully understand the implications. It seems to include that I am intrinsically divine regardless of any external circumstances. It might be worth exploring what it means to be divine as well as other qualities of God if they are representative of my true nature. Do you think Christianity suggests that You are God? If so, why? If not, then what does it mean that God is my true nature, but I am not God?

The closest thing I can experience to who I am appears to just be consciousness. There does not seem to be any mind blowing God realization outside of neutral awareness on which there is content both pleasant and unpleasant. Presently, I don't see any Love, Truth, or non-dual awareness. I see the physical world and a deep not knowing and not needing. I have seen that there is no intellectual framework that can cover this deep uncertainty and I just sit with not knowing. Therefore, from my point of view I am experiencing something very mundane and as it stands everything I hear about God realization appears to be more stories.

@Leo Gura I am aware of this problem, and I seem to have trouble shaking it. The reason I believe in Jesus is because when I went to school, my history teacher told me that Jesus was a real person and historians generally agree on this. At the same time, I know that this is hearsay and I did not meet Jesus personally, although I now believe he was real. It seems hard to separate this entanglement within my psyche. That said, I do see how Jesus as he appeared in my dreams would be a fantasy rather than an actual person. I saw Jesus partially as a consequence of wanting redemption. This was primarily a psychological function as I also did not intellectually believe in the miracles Jesus was claimed to have been responsible for. Furthermore, Jesus appeared as a white man as depicted in church which supposedly was not real Jesus. The way I resolve this in my mind is that I conclude that Jesus from my point of view is based on stories about a guy I never met, assuming he was real. Thus even if Jesus was real, in my experience his appearance and the attributes I assign to him are fantasy. Is this good enough when I see the Jesus in my dreams as fantasy rather than actual Jesus?

I understand. I don't need Jesus to be God so I don't need to depend on this other person.

The military did studies on this and they found that people who were allegedly psychic correctly predicted phenomenon that they should have no prior knowledge of. They made predictions that were more accurate than random chance would suggest when looking at the statistics and results. They often made detailed descriptions that were too great to be dismissed as mere coincidence. They also made predictions that would be about one in a million based on random chance. Although these psychics were not perfect, they were correct a statistically significant portion of the time that challenges mere coincidence. However, the military concluded that it was still not reliable enough to give commands to their soldiers in terms of war maneuvers. I also met a psychic personally. She clearly demonstrated knowledge about me that she couldn't have known. She told me about a girl I loved whose name started with 'Ali.' it was Alice. The implications are wild and demonstrate that the materialist paradigm is very limiting. I would agree that remote viewing and psychic powers are real and they may involve consciousness being more fundamental than material form such that all things are one and connected allowing for things like psychic viewing. The military also demonstrated other insane paranormal phenomenon under controlled studies over the course of 50 years. Basically materialism is definitely baloney and it is logically incoherent.

I have been journaling about this situation lately. Several aspects of my identity have fallen apart and I am trying to create new organizing principles for my identity. The aspects which have collapsed include chess, trauma based qualities, and my family relationships. I am hoping to use a conscious identity construction to direct my focus while avoiding many of the problems with my previous identity which I am still transitioning out of. The main issue with my previous identity is that it was too defined by trauma, although there was little I could consciously do to change these patterns suggesting that I am something other than those patterns. First of all, I was and still am seemingly defined in relationship to the dysfunctional context I was born into, hence survival shapes who you are. This is still in the process of changing as I have only recently blocked my mother to start breaking the trauma bond and I still do not have full financial independence from other relatives. I have also only just now gotten into trauma therapy for various experiences which were the root cause of my dysfunctional identity. In many ways the trauma identity was compensatory. It involved qualities such intelligence, morality, and purity. All of these qualities became a source of unstable self-esteem in which any remote behavior which suggested the opposite attribute would feel existentially threatening. Any mistake would be amplified to look like fundamental stupidity. Any immoral thought or action would be amplified to mean that I am fundamentally a shameful and unlovable human being. Anything remotely sexual would remind me of how I am fundamentally tainted and dirty, making me irredeemable due to be broken. As it stands I am not free of these feelings of dirtiness and they do influence how I approach relationships by making sure I keep things platonic and intellectual rather than deeply emotional and intimate where sexuality feels extremely dangerous to me. The fear is comparable to the fear of death when someone is threatening to murder you except I might fear sexual relationships more than that. The fear revolves around both being harmed and causing harm in such a way that it cannot be undone and becomes permanent like a death sentence of unforgivable sin and inescapable shame and hatred like feeling permanently tainted and being unable to stop that despite rationally knowing better. Hopefully trauma therapy can change that aspect so that I would be free to seek closer relationships which I both crave and avoid simultaneously. Using this information, I figured that if I were to define my identity in terms of any specific qualities, then it might become a source of unstable self-esteem. The way I am thinking about it now is that I can still be somebody intelligent and insightful, but it does not have to be relied upon for self-esteem as that would be unstable. I am looking for ways to define myself which do not become unstable to the point that they could easily trigger intense shame due to denying qualities within myself or by projecting shadow material onto others. I am also trying to define my qualities in a way that is independent of things like compensating for fundamental unworthiness and unlovability. Here is what I came up with, although it makes sense that it would not be perfect and would be flawed. First of all, the reason I became more withdrawn and quiet was due to internalized shame. It is this sense that if I showed others my true colors then I would be rejected and unwanted. However, there are other aspects of myself which I was comfortable sharing with others. Socializing is much more natural for me when I feel that I am providing value in some way. It can be through teaching board games or sharing research into a variety of subjects that others might find fascinating. These were aspects which felt acceptable to share. There were other qualities such as vulnerability if I believed that others would benefit from it by relating to it or by sharing creative stories and poems. The same problem persists in that this kind of behavior could tie back to proving my worth although at the same time part of me enjoys providing value for others as it feels meaningful to me. I tried discussing this issue with an AI, but the AI was not as agreeable as usual. The AI seems to think that I am still in late stage one of trauma recovery and I am trying to skip over processing many intense emotions which is stage two by constructing a more sophisticated identity which is still fundamentally rooted in trauma while simultaneously deliberately constructing it to not trigger the same fundamental shame and unworthiness that I have been experiencing all along. It seemed to be guiding me to the same conclusions as before, so I needed to journal on my own without AI assistance. I ended up coming up with the same values as before with things like expertise, insightfulness, mastery, creativity, discovery, open-mindedness, and so forth. As I looked for things I would enjoy doing it included systems thinking, game creation, game theory, research, teaching, and creative writing along with peer support which I seem to be good at. I have solved some board games on my own and I have considered making my own board games. I also seem to be enthusiastic when teaching to engaged students who feel the lessons are valuable to them. Furthermore, I would find work more meaningful if it involved improving systems rather than maintaining dysfunctional ones that harm people. I remember that this kind of attitude did emerge after a traumatic experience, but I am now looking at it like it makes complete rational sense. I have found a few organizations I could work with, although ultimately I will have to leave the country because I believe America is doomed regardless. For now I need a temporary source of income as I complete the trauma therapy and then use that money to fly to Europe and then get a proper education which would hopefully allow me to contribute to the world in the a more meaningful way then my previous job which made me want to kill myself. At the same time I would need to hold systems thinking in a way that does not make it contingent for my self-esteem. What do you guys think about conscious identity construction? how would you do it? Am I in a position to consciously construct a new identity, or is the underlying trauma such that it prevents self-actualization even now?

I continued on the quest today. I ended up going to a comedy club. I thought some of those jokes were pretty funny. Here are a few that stood out to me. They made fun of somebody named Karen Epstein Israel and then suggested a better name Osama Bill Cosby. They made fun of positive thinking by applying to American politics, suggesting that it is hard to watch politics and think "yeah, we are gonna fine." This one made me laugh pretty hard because I have an especially pessimistic view of American politics that goes far beyond what the average American suspects. There is good reason to believe America is facing economic collapse within the next five years and possibly sooner. America's fate was sealed with the assassination of JFK due to the military industrial complex capturing the government and there is nothing we can do change this. I liked the joke about the seductive coach. You try to go for a jog, but then the coach tempts you by telling you that you won't have time for that. There were various sex jokes, but I guess I'm not used to that kind of humor due to me creating a shadow out of sexuality as a consequence of trauma. I thought the social awkwardness around someone telling you "I'm horny" out of nowhere was funny though. It was mostly a good night, but some of the comedians started joking about therapy and antidepressants. It was pretty funny when he mentioned that therapy was so expensive that he could use that money to just buy a gun instead. However, he asked the audience if any of use were doing therapy and antidepressants. I was the only one who answered. He asked me how it was going, so I told him that the antidepressants caused me seizures which in turn caused me to lose my job. The audience seemed to be upset by that and the comedian wasn't sure how to make that funny. He started moving away from mental health and joking about being sad in the pants instead. It was mostly a good night, but I'm not sure what else I could have told him about my experience with antidepressants. I could have told him that Prozac made my depression worse to the point that I was hospitalized before I could attempt suicide again. I'm not sure what I could have told him that he could have made a joke out of. The comedian actually was doing therapy as well. I made sure to stop by after the show to tell him that I liked it, but I wanted to ensure that he wasn't like one of those comedians who was actually depressed to the point that he would kill himself. He said that he was going to hang in there even though it was hard, so it doesn't look like he has any suicide plans. Some comedians are actually serious when they joke about their depression. I find it weird that when I go out I start finding these performers who are in therapy and seem to be using their performance as a means of coping with deeper issues. It makes me think that they are like me, but they seem to be designing a somewhat decent life for themselves anyway. Maybe if I find some kind of occupation that doesn't cause me as much distress as the grocery store did, then I would be in a decent position as at least I would have income again. trauma therapy is still a long wait away and recovery from CPTSD takes a very long time. I didn't seem to meet any new friends or get numbers on this day though. I think I got a bit lucky encountering that group of women yesterday who were kind to me.

I noticed that I have lost interest in more and more things over time. I lost interest in chess, personal development, and ended up losing my job due to struggles with depression and CPTSD. I am currently awaiting trauma therapy to hopefully help with insomnia and other problems linked to trauma. I tried finding things to do in the meantime. I eventually got bored with AI chat bots and online videogames. I recalled that multiple past therapists recommended dating, although now is not a good time due to being unemployed. However, I also recognized that my brain tends to get increasingly anxious when I don't have anybody to talk to. Therefore, I started thinking of ways I could meet people. I have made some friends before, but they are distant and not people I can hang out regularly. I ended up finding a site with events in my area around Cincinnati and northern Kentucky. I found that there was an band performing at a brewery, so I went there. I ate my own small pizza and had a few glasses of water. I made a few somewhat awkward attempts to socialize because the conversations tended to die fast. As the party went on more people showed up. I briefly danced in front of a woman who was trying to record the band and she seemed to find that fun. Ultimately, I ended up making way for a massive group of people who needed seats for their large friend group. I was about to go back to pacing, but that is when somebody started being abnormally nice to me. It was the group of women I talked to earlier. They invited me to sit with them. I took up the offer and later asked them why, but I did not mention that I was isolated from social groups for a long time due to bullying where I developed a habit of pacing on my own instead of talking to people. The woman did not seem sure how to articulate why they offered me this seat, but they probably thought that I was a loner having a depressing time. I wasn't used to people being this nice to me, so I was surprised that someone would treat me this way. We talked about a variety of topics as we waited for their other friends to arrive. We talked about on of the woman's dresses which she argued was red, but I agreed was pink. I gave her a good defense in that in some cultures pink is considered a lighter shade of red, and that seemed to be her best defense yet. When the guys arrived, I discovered that one of them played chess, but he said he wasn't very good at it. One of the ladies said he tried to teach her chess, but her brain isn't wired for it. I ended getting her phone number so I could send her the games in which I beat the national master and the gold medalist from France, and she would be able to share it with the others since she has their numbers as well. From there we started playing cards. I ended up going home when it was getting dark and I had a fair distance to walk back home. I also needed to feed the cats because my grandma ended up in the emergency room while I was out. I don't think she is going to die, but if she does die then it will ruin my plans for trauma therapy because I might end up having to live with my narcissistic sister and mother again who caused me CPTSD and ended up pushing me to suicide attempts in the past. I currently have them blocked and I don't want to be forced into contact with them again because my sister may be trying to proxy me into suicide due to how she enjoys my suffering and gets pleasure off of weaponizing my trauma against me despite knowing my history with severe depression. If my grandma dies, then I am not going back to live with them. I will instead withdraw all my money from my banks and stocks and then move to Germany while converting my dollars to Euros so I don't have to live in that environment and I will instead go to a cheaper college for either a degree in math or if possible a degree that would help me build better systems for society as that is something I would find meaningful. Hopefully, my grandma gets better soon. Meanwhile, I am looking at different social events because they seem to be stabilizing me rather than having my mind devolve into chaos as I sit at home alone. Apparently, there is a comedian who will be active tomorrow night. I plan on going there. I will also try contacting this potential friend group to see how they liked the games. I could potentially be a decent chess coach if they want to learn because I have trained kids to win tournaments before, which was one of my favorite parts of chess even more so then winning. If they think chess is too difficult, then I can still teach them to master easier games like tic-tac-toe. Kids and adults seems to like it when I taught them the perfect strategy for that game as well. In this interaction I thought that these people seemed older, so I assumed that they were taken and I would not have to worry about hitting on any ladies and trying to get laid as this site seems to encourage along with the therapists who wanted me to date. While I spoke with some of the band members one of them mentioned that he had a therapist, so it seems that they are finding decent ways to manage their mental health through these social activities as well. I think my new approach of walking to different events is much more interesting because it at least gives me a reason to be walking around town and I have something new to experience. I think socializing in this situation led me to feeling a light pleasure. Maybe if I do more stuff like this it will prevent me from deteriorating into my frequent deeply anxious states in which I become excessively self conscious. I think this kind of behavior is prevented when I have somebody to focus on outside of myself.

@DocWatts On the topic of determining relevant facts, I also learned about apophenia. It is the tendency to find meaningful patterns where none exist. There is a recent forum post about this. The reason I bring this up is because I had a question. One day, I encountered a man who appeared to have some kind of schizophrenic disorder. He was deeply religious and he had a tendency to point to random objects and then derive profound meaning from them as if it connected to divine intelligence. I was completely puzzled by what he was saying because it sounded disconnected, irrational, and nonsensical. It left me with questions like is this man genuinely crazy, or does he see something that I don't see? How do we determine if such a person actually has a valid perspective or if it really is complete nonsense? There is also a problem with utility because maybe his meaning making is useful for some other purpose that does not serve my agenda. Are such people really delusional, or are we delusional for dismissing their perspective and failing to understand what they are seeing and experiencing as their reality may not line up with our own conventional sense of reality? How do we determine the answer?

I actually saw that kind of behavior when I was walking down the street one day, and I encountered a man who had some kind of mental health condition. It was possibly some kind of schizophrenic disorder which is common in apophenia. As he would talk to me he would point to random objects and seem to derive profound and intricate meaning from them. He would then connect all of it back to the Bible which is common in this kind of disorder because such people tend to see strong patterns that don't exist and then connect it to divine intelligence. At the same time, I can't be really sure what this guy is experiencing. Maybe in his reality it really is like divine intelligence as if all things are connected, but from my point of view much of his profound meaning seems to derive from unrelated random objects. I'm open to the possibility that he sees something I do not, but from my point of view it looks very irrational.

I have made a crucial breakthrough in understanding how racism hurts both black people and white people. This is important because it breaks through the typical narratives and political divides through demonstrating that white people are also victims of the same oppressive system, even though it likely hurts black people more. The key is that inconsistent law enforcement leads to over policing in black communities while enabling white perpetrators of violent crimes which in turn leads to additional white victims due to failed enforcement. If racial justice were framed in this way, then it would likely avoid the zero sum game that often comes about when discussing racial justice leading to the divide between ALM and BLM. Here is my story. I come from a white family that was full of criminal activity. My father had children by multiple women and fled the State to avoid paying child support. He ended up owing 300,000 dollars on child support, but the enforcement failed despite my mother's best efforts. My father was also involved in gangs, had a lengthy criminal record, and was responsible for drug and sex trafficking. Meanwhile, my stepfather was physically abusive. He would beat my mother and destroy the house, creating an environment of constant fear. In the case of my father, he got away with his crimes by using the money from drug deals while jumping from job to job to avoid child support taxes. Meanwhile, my mother tried calling the police on my stepfather for domestic violence multiple times, but the police dismissed her simply based on my stepfather's denial. The nightmare I lived in should have ended with the police taking both my father's and my stepfather's case seriously. Instead, they failed to aggressively pursue these cases, and they likely would have taken these criminal charges much more seriously had my father and stepfather been black instead of white. Therefore, when white perpetrators are allowed to walk free, it creates a worse society for everybody, not just blacks. Here are some statistics that highlight the inconsistent law enforcement. Black women are over 4 times more likely to face felony charges than white men in domestic violence cases. 84.6% of black females ended up being arrested on felony charges in domestic violence cases whereas only 19.5% of white males faced comparable charges. This suggests that my father and stepfather likely received far more lenient treatment from law enforcement because of their whiteness, which allowed them to continue hurting the family. Arrest rates were also three times higher for black men compared to white men in domestic violence cases. This demonstrates that black communities are often over policed while white communities face police who under respond to white perpetrators who would be arrested if they were black. By applying these inconsistent law enforcement standards, it creates an environment that is harmful to all races due to white perpetrators walking free while the police spend excessive resources focusing on black communities. The pattern continues in cases like my father's. Gang prosecution disproportionately focuses on black communities, which thus enabled my father's operations. For example, from 2010 through 2017, everyone arrested under Mississippi's gang law was black even though half of verified gang members in the state were white. The pattern continues in other states such as Oregon with 64% of gang related arrests in Portland were black people even though blacks only made up 6 percent of the population. White supremacist gangs who were present were far less likely to be prosecuted, again creating a dangerous community for everyone by enabling white perpetrators. There is even inconsistent enforcement in child support due to race. black families are 111 percent more likely than white families to receive a sanction in the TANF system which includes child support. However, the enforcement targets poor black families who cannot afford to pay anyway, destabilizing the families further due to pursuing these cases more aggressively compared to white families. Meanwhile, my father who had children by multiple women and abandoned them both to end up owing 300,000 dollars faced very lenient treatment by comparison. Had my father been black he would have faced harsher treatment for less. Due to white perpetrators being treated more leniently, it created a more dangerous environment which ultimately produced more white victims as well black victims. In conclusion, I believe that this framing of racial justice is crucial for breaking through the typical racial and political divides. At the end of the day, systemic racism hurts everybody due to over policing black communities while enabling white perpetrators such as in the case of my family. I think this message might be effective for creating a common cause for all races rather than an artificial divide that pits whites and against black unnecessarily. A few policies that might help would be racial bias training to protect all families equally, consistent standards for arrest in domestic violence cases rather than arbitrary decisions from incompetent officers, victim compensation in the event of a non-custodial parent's arrest for child support, and possibly performance metrics based on consistent enforcement rather than just arrest numbers. There are probably many other reforms that would be needed, but this is an issue of equal protection and consistent law and order in addition to an issue of racial justice.

I think a better way to phrase the question would be, "what would you do if you were in Trump's position?" If you say "what would you do if you were trump?" then the reality is that if I were Trump then I would be shamelessly corrupt to the point that I would be doing the exact same thing he is doing right now. I think an important question is, if I were in Trump's position then does that include me having dementia along with all of his other mental health problems? If I do, then that would impede my ability to realistically think clearly and act in a positive manner. I will assume I don't have dementia which is a big assumption. With all of that in mind, if i were in Trump's position, then I would be inclined to resign from my position in the White House. This would be a big move especially if it is accompanied by admitting and taking responsibility for my corrupt actions, which would be a lot of actions while recognizing the harm caused to the world. The key point is that in the White House, I am dealing with something larger than myself and I will need to set aside my selfishness to do the right thing that would be best for humanity as a whole, even it might be costly to myself personally. Obviously, the actual Trump would never do such a thing because he does not care about the wellbeing of the rest of the world. He only cares about himself and that is why he is so corrupt.

I don't think you are being racist. I just want to warn you that you appear to be making the proximity defense argument. If you attempt to make this argument, then the counter argument is that somebody could still be racist while having friends of other races. If you are being accused of being racist, then this is not a good defense. To be honest, I'm not sure what convincing argument I could make that I am not racist. All kinds of arguments could be framed as me being defensive or in denial of some kind of unconscious bias, which might create an unfalsifiable position that I am racist. I don't think it is possible to prove that you are not racist regardless of any argument you make. It appears that the best defense against such accusations are through your actions of treating everyone fairly and equally. However, you might get called racist anyway if your political views do not align with what some lefties might want to hear. That said, maybe you could more accurately call someone racist or not racist based on how they act in everyday life, kind of like how you are trying to describe with the proximity argument. There might be a difference between "you are racist" vs. "you believe things that serve to perpetuate racial injustice."

I have discovered more ways in which systemic racism can ultimately harm white people. In this example, it happened in school. Sometimes there are black students who are struggling academically. This can be due to many factors as is the case with other demographics like children with disabilities, English learners, and children from poor families. Oftentimes these students might have a victim complex and a sense of learned helplessness, such as in the case of black students who might feel like they are not in control of their lives due to systemic racism. They might come to see white students as privileged and as having unfair advantages they didn't earn. In my case, this factor contributed to bullying. I was bullied by three black kids viciously. They would punch me in the face and call me things like a "stupid white fa*****." These kinds of statements are revealing because those black kids who were also struggling academically were likely making assumptions about my privilege as if they were responsible for my academic success. I noticed this pattern in other black students who were struggling in school. They might make Freudian slips like "This white boy!" revealing that they likely internalized a victim narrative about racial injustice, leading to assumptions about privilege. This victim complex seems to be another factor that both undermines academic performance and ultimately contributes to bullying should more successful white students face assumptions about their background and privilege like I did. There are ways to combat this issue, but it needs to be framed carefully because I am describing a politically unpopular truth that might make get called racist by describing the victim complex in some black students. This issue will need to be framed in a more inclusive way without singling out one particular demographic. That is why I mentioned the other demographics that disproportionately struggle academically. They too often feel like the system is rigged against them. This demoralizes them and it makes them feel like there is no point in trying anyway. It might also be a way to protect their self esteem when they fail by blaming things outside of themselves. Tragically this kind of response to academic failure can spiral into drop outs and ultimately criminal activity because these groups might come to feel like they are outsiders and they never had any real chance of success to begin with within the rigged system. In my case I was hurt when this victim complex made me a target for bullying. However, I am not using this to condemn these demographics in general. My goal is ultimately to contribute to an educational environment which helps all students to succeed regardless of their specific background by giving more targeted help combined with these psychological insights rather than generic advice. Once again, the outcomes ultimately contribute to a worse society for everybody, not just the immediate victims of systemic oppression.

@Sugarcoat I would like to give you an update on why I would resist suicide. Sometimes there are evil people who try to target vulnerable people with depression to proxy them into suicide through psychological abuse. In my particular case, my sister is a vulnerable narcissist who intentionally weaponizes my trauma against me knowing the risks and dangers I face. This kind of behavior leaves me with the impression that she may actually want me to kill myself, especially since she clearly enjoys my suffering. I refuse to reward this kind of behavior by giving evil people the satisfaction of getting away with murder through suicide by proxy. There are many other reasons why I don't want to kill myself, but the most recent addition was that my existence is an act of defiance against this great evil that I will not yield to. As I type this there are actual Nazis using this method of suicide by proxy to get away with murder, and I met one of the survivors who witnessed her friend as she was provoked into suicide by this method by present day Nazis. Perhaps we could say that this adds another layer of a sense of social responsibility because of the kind of society I want to contribute to by rewarding love and resisting hate.

I am dealing with a terrifying situation. I have a narcissistic family with members who are aware of my severe depression, PTSD, and trauma who are actively weaponizing my deepest psychological wounds against me. They are aware of my risk of suicide, yet they have already pushed me to acting on these suicide plans despite pretending to care on the surface while keeping the abuse hidden from others so they will gaslight me about the situation. It may be the case that my sister wants me dead and her abusive tactics could be a manifestation of homicidal intent. The reason suicide by proxy is the perfect murder is because it is nearly impossible to prove that the psychological and emotional abuse targeted at a vulnerable person is attempted murder. There are many layers of plausible deniability. All the perpetrators have to do is pretend to be caring on the surface and then use various covert methods of undermining the victim's sanity while framing their mental health as the problem. In fact suicide by proxy is on the rise and it has overtaken direct murders in intimate partner violence. Furthermore there are Nazis who are increasingly using these tactics of suicide by proxy in order to cover their murders and they are getting away with it. Presently there are almost no legal protections against this method of murder. Presently the suicide statistics are wrong because many of those were likely murders and involved abusive relationships which led to the suicide. There seems to be almost no way to figure out how many of those suicides are actually murders. In my case the psychological and emotional abuse I experienced has resulted in symptoms of PTSD such as nightmares, severe anxiety, inability to stop ruminating, insomnia, and so forth. I am especially vulnerable to this because as an individual with autism I am about 10 times more sensitive to this kind of abuse and it is much more likely to lead to PTSD in autistic individuals. In my case my survival instincts prevented me from carrying out my plans and I ultimately survived. In the case of my family they use all the classical tactics of narcissists. They use DARVO, minimization, victim blaming, weaponized morality, and even weaponized trauma all while avoiding accountability whenever possible. This type of abuse is designed to make the victim seem crazy which is why therapists who are not trained in abusive relationships often blame the victim and pathologize the trauma responses. Like my family, I also had therapists who would push religious frameworks on me such as Jesus and forgiveness which simply do not apply to this situation. This kind of response served to cause me religious trauma on top of the previous trauma. It is obvious that my family and many therapists have no interest in understanding my world view or my sense of morality as they simply project motives onto me that don't exist and then try to put me in these narrow categories of faith or reason. It is obvious to me that my sister and my mother match the description of vulnerable narcissists. My sister in particular shows obvious signs of enjoying the suffering she causes others including me when she weaponizes PTSD against me. This is common in narcissistic individuals and in the case of vulnerable narcissists, the personality disorder often stems from abandonment trauma such as my father fleeing the state to avoid paying child support. My sister was old enough to remember this, which likely instilled her with deep anger and a sense of betrayal. Once my father started showing surface level sexist favoritism toward me which was actually part of a psychopathic scheme of his, my sisters turned against me even more. I became a symbol of my sisters' unworthiness and thus became an even bigger target to them. In narcissistic individuals this could be a source of homicidal intent, but once again it is nearly impossible to prove because of how deceptive and manipulative such people are. Unfortunately, explaining these dynamics to my family is impossible. It is like trying to tell the family that there is a child molester among them. They will rush to the defense of the abuser and blame the victims. Families typically refuse to believe that someone they love is deeply cruel and deceptive. The same happens in cases of covert psychological abuse and suicide by proxy. In such cases, the victim would be blamed and gaslit by the entire family. The family members in my case are either participating in the abuse and denying that it even is abuse or they are ignorantly applying religious frameworks to me as if my behavior is a moral failure due to not forgiving people who may want me to commit suicide. There needs to be more advocacy for the victims of suicide by proxy in these abusive relationships. We can't let evil win by exploiting these legal weaknesses, and our refusal to commit suicide is an act of resistance against these people. Narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths think they are clever in their ability to manipulate people and systems to their bidding, and we must not reward this behavior by killing ourselves as they likely want this in many cases. If you are a victim of an abusive relationship, then you must not let these people break you. You must do whatever you can to understand yourself, your trauma, and their abusive tactics clearly so that you can protect yourself from harm. I understand that it is far easier said than done as I myself was driven to suicide attempts and the mental health system failed me when I reached out for help. We ultimately need a better system to protect trauma survivors, but until then we must find other ways to support each other. I understand their antics clearly. Now that I do, their guilt tripping and manipulative tactics no longer work on me. I will not engage in their shit and I will not let them twist my words to turn me into the perpetrator. I urge any victims reading this to do whatever you can to protect yourself even if it is from somebody you love. Don't let your love for them blind you to the abuse as sometimes they are counting on that and they will mix surface level love and compassion with hidden abuse to confuse you. You were always worthy of authentic love, but unfortunately such people may not be able to provide it to you.