trenton

Donald Trump has a lot of horrible plans for how he will make life worse for many millions of people. Usually when I look at politics, I try to focus on education and just analyze issues to understand them. However, I now see Trump is affecting me personally and it started making me mad. I would like to discuss how Trump is affecting my life decisions, and you may share your story too. One of the plans being pushed by Trump is cutting Medicare, Medicaid, and social security. I hope Trump fails due to incompetence, which is likely because republicans have been trying to get rid of social security for a long time and it didn't work then. However, I need to be prepared in case Trump succeeds like republicans did with roe v wade despite it being considered settled law. Originally, my plan was to move to Kentucky the week of January 5th. My medical insurance has expired because I recently turned 26. I was going to work part time at a different store location while using more time to focus on creative writing and see what I can do. This plan depended on getting Medicaid so I could get my wisdom teeth pulled along with continued therapy. If I can't do that due to federal funding being cut, then I will need a different way to get medical insurance. Therefore, I may need to work full time to get benefits even though when I do I start getting pain in my legs. Jobs like these are linked to chronic pain and I don't believe my employer will compensate me for this if it happened. I would have to work 40 hours a week instead which would leave me exhausted, making it harder to maintain all of the habits for personal development and career development. My sleep will be more inconsistent if I work both day and night shifts again. My insomnia makes This even worse because I might burn out. This is why I started telling myself "the good life doesn't come easily and I will have to fight for it." If I could somehow manage this situation working full time and somehow still become accomplished in creative writing, then I would have extra money at the end of it and I would have a more reliable health insurance plan due to Medicaid being cut. It sounds hard for me to do this over the course of the next year, but if I succeeded in this scenario, it would be the ideal outcome. I am having doubts though. Therefore, I may need to get a job that offers benefits at less than 40 hours a week. I did some research and discovered that some jobs offer benefits at 32 hours or even 25 hours a week. I am now starting to realize that my job is worse than I thought. If I find other places to work near me that don't require 40 hours, then I could have 4 8 hour days, leaving me less exhausted and making it a little easier to work on my other goals. Therefore, if I succeeded in either the ambitious plan to do the 40 hours along with the other benefits, or I was forced to get a better job, then my life might actually be better. I would still be mad at Trump for hurting all those other people though, but slightly relieved that my plans worked out for the better despite not being what I originally planned. In conclusion, although difficult to do, the ideal scenario for me is that republicans cutting Medicaid paradoxically makes my life better by putting me in a position to seek more reliable medical insurance and therefore either get a better job or more money from hours while accomplishing all of the other goals in my plan over the course of the next year. The problem with this is that my grandma might also need Medicaid, because she can barely work due to her age. If my grandma dies, then that will be a significant problem that could foil my plans. I will then have to either move back in with the other side of the family which makes me feel hopeless and trapped and sometimes suicidal or finally get an apartment and try to figure things out from there. It sounds like it would really suck because I may have to work full time just to live paycheck to paycheck or worse I will have to become financially codependent on a roommate. How is Trump affecting you personally?

@The Crocodile i have been doing research on criminal psychology lately. I am trying to get into the minds of deeply depraved people who engage in evil acts like some notorious criminals. I'm starting to get a better understanding of domestic abusers who commit assault. I am somewhat beginning to understand child sex abusers and rapists. I have a very hard time understanding mass shooters who break into schools and murder 30 children. I looked into their psychology and some of them just seem genuinely insane and stupid. As I understand the psychology behind these people and how their life story might play out to lead to these decisions, my judgement and moral righteousness begins to weaken. For example, when I was stuck in an abusive situation, it caused me to develop suicidal thoughts because it gave me a sense of control over my suffering. This is a common trauma response, but it is not the only possible trauma response. Some people become homicidal, some people grow up to abuse power dynamics over children, some people like my stepfather become domestic abusers to seek control and power, some people use sexual violence to establish a sense of power and control and target minors because they are easy to manipulate, some people like my father join gangs to extort people while protecting themselves from other gangs thus giving them power, and some people like my mother turn to drug addiction or alcoholism. All of these things could be linked to trauma and are extremely harmful. depending on how someone reacts it can lead to their lives in a variety of horrible directions. It makes me wonder if my rape fantasies are linked to my unhealthy relationship with control and power. Initially I looked at the child kidnapper getting caught with dirty pleasure thinking "he is getting what he deserved." I can now look back at the situation thinking "I understand why you might do this, but your actions are harmful and you must be stopped for your own good and for the good of others." This attitude is more non-judgmental and higher conscious bringing me to inner peace rather than to dirty pleasure. I still think school shooters are insane because they "just feel like killing people." I somewhat understand war crimes, genocide, and crimes against humanity, but it doesn't make them any less terrifying. Those people still seem insane to me. Maybe these people really are insane because their worldviews are incoherent and based on many lies. Sometimes they seem genuinely stupid and crazy. I guess if they genuinely believe these things, then it would explain why they did it though. This was part of a model story for why someone becomes a mass shooter.

@Leo Gura I see what you mean by keeping these discussions separate. Unfortunately, my fear and avoidance of relationships stems from my attempts to escape deep pain and suffering caused by being trapped in abusive situations. My suicidal ideation and attempts were accompanied by me thinking about the hopelessness of being stuck with my family. This is actually a common trauma response to abusive relationships. I'd rather die then end up in a situation like my girlfriend committing suicide to leave me a single father with a child who hates me and blames me for her death and therefore develops severe behavioral problems leading to criminal activity like mass shootings. My attitude toward relationships needs to come from a place of reduced fear and avoidance. They prevent me from giving and accepting love. I remember I told you I was deeply wrong in terms of my attitude and approach to relationships in general. My family has shaped this attitude in a deeply negative way while on the surface pushing love out of social conditioning. I'll consider dating like my therapists recommended next year after I meet my current goals. Where did you learn about relationships and what is your general attitude? Will you make videos on building healthy relationships in the future?

I find it harsh that the legal system can argue that ignorance of the law is not an excuse or defense while at the same time people are not taught the law, creating an unstable situation. I think there are many avoidable and preventable crimes if people were taught laws and common misconceptions and assumptions about what is legal. This could be helpful for children who may be navigating physical or sexual abuse at home but don't know what resources are available to help them. Looking back at the situation I lived in, I would have behaved differently had I known some of my misguided beliefs about law. Sometimes my father would commit crimes related to hang violence and drug deals, but he would threaten to disown me if I told anyone. I ended up swearing to secrecy not knowing that I was committing a felony by aiding in criminal behavior. Had I known I was legally obligated to report my father and his gang, then that would have been significant to my thought process when navigating a dysfunctional family. I also read about the abuse of self defense. This is likely to happen in a case of domestic violence. This almost happened with my physically abusive stepfather, but I ultimately decided to run away instead. Sometimes self defense is used in response to assault, but it is then used as an excuse to cause maximum harm rather than escape. This is how self defense can become homicide. In the case of my stepfather he would steal my money, destroy the house, physically attack others, poop in the kitchen, and create an environment of constant fear. Because of this I had previously had thoughts of killing him, thus it would have been premeditated because in truth I was coming from hatred. I was then in a situation where I was expecting him to attack me, but I was prepared to respond with excessive force, potentially resulting in homicide. This is when I decided to run away from home instead. My thought process would have been different had I been taught the law. The implication is that teaching people law could prevent murder and homicidal ideation such as in my case. I wish people knew how to properly manage domestic violence rather than being stuck in ignorance. What do you think? Should law be taught in school to prevent crimes from being committed out of ignorance? I think it makes sense if citizens are held to a harsh standard of ignorance not being an excuse while not being taught any of this, thus being kept ignorant.

@Leo Gura what is your state of mind like when watching these videos? What kind of state are you aiming for? I have a hard time finding empathy and compassion for people like this.

I have been watching a lot of cop videos lately. I noticed that sometimes I get a dirty sense of pleasure and happiness when I see someone getting what they deserved. Sometimes people act like animals and they squirm at every turn. I see this happening with child predators when they are caught in lie after lie only to assault a police officer. Is this dirty pleasure a problem?

The MAGA people are taking the personal information of liberals on YouTube and using it to direct death threats at them and their families. I think they are spreading this information as widely as possible, hoping that someone out there is crazy enough to carry out these threats like the guy who took Nancy Pelosi hostage or the people who broke into the capitol chanting "hang Mike Pence."

@Capital you are showing great self reflection. I have met others like you who grew to regret their past actions and wanted to change. You will likely feel guilty or ashamed of yourself because of the harm you caused others. Remember the most important part is that at least you were willing to change. Most people in your position would never admit it and live like that forever. If it makes you feel better, I promise my dad was worse. Not only did he have children by multiple underage women like my mom, but he also disowned those children and fled the state to avoid child support. My dad was completely unwilling to change, yet he put on this facade of being stage blue, preaching the bible to me as he justified his "honest" drug dealing while threatening me if I told anyone about his crimes. So long as you are willing to change, you are more like my grandfather who was a man I admired. He used to be involved in gang activity, but wanted to change. He ended up working with the police to stop gang violence as he infiltrated the gangs. He had a lot of crazy stories about how he ultimately turned his life around. This includes one story where the gang tied up him and his best friend knowing one of them was a snitch, so they shot his best friend and let my grandpa go causing him severe PTSD. Unfortunately, he couldn't stop his son from joining gangs anyway, thus repeating the cycle. I wish nothing but the best for you.

@Leo Gura when you say you want kids to learn about relationships, does it include what to do if your parents are abusive drug addicts or what to do if you end up being financially dependent on an abuser? If so that could also prevent murder because being stuck in bad relationships might lead to these kinds of thoughts. I hope teaching relationships prevents some of these problems because my fear and avoidance of relationships and dating stems from fear of being stuck in a horrible situation.

I didn't know this was a disorder. I'm a cheek biter too and it has caused noticeable damage to my right cheek and teeth. My left cheek is significantly stronger because I haven't been chewing that one. I thought I was the only one doing this weird compulsion. Thank you.

@integral if you are right about this, then that changes literally everything I have been doing for the past seven years. My doctors have been telling me my sleeping problems were caused by hypervigilance due to PTSD and trauma. I have been seeking treatment for PTSD, OCD, autism, depression, and anxiety. If my diagnosis was a misinterpretation of my reactions to chemicals, then what the fuck have I been doing for the past seven years reading all these books on emotions and psychology only to still hate myself automatically? I have been going to treatment centers and group therapy to get on all kinds of pills only for my problems to return as soon as I get weaned off the pills. Maybe the reason therapy was ineffective was because it didn't address the problem. I even started to wonder if me seeking help was a mistake because it felt like spinning my wheels in the mud. Thank you for opening my eyes to this new possibility.

@integral what should I do about toothpaste? Does all of this have to be done alongside a certain diet? Where did you learn about all of this so I can check out more? I would like to see a list of everything I need to get rid of.

@integral are you telling me I shouldn't use deodorant either? What about body wash and shampoo when I take a warm shower before bed? Does this make my sleep worse? How do you clean yourself and make sure you don't stink? Once I move in with cat lady, this is gonna be a thousand times harder.

I have an idea. When I show compassion to others, it is due to me seeing myself in them. This is when I am able to express pure love. Given what this forum teaches, the highest social teaching is probably that there is no difference between self and other. The more you see yourself in others, the more capable you become of love because you are love. Rather than treating others as you want to be treated, you could start by seeing others as you. You are pure love.

I have doubts about the golden rule because it is too simplistic for navigating social situations. When I do unto others as I would have them do unto me, what I discover is that out worldviews are so vastly different that leads to my intentions being misinterpreted leading to me becoming a victim once people think I'm the bad guy and I deserve to be hurt because of it. Navigating social situations requires accounting for how you will be interpreted and what the practical consequences will be. Part of this is due too everyone having a different brain structure like in My case with autism. My current idea of relationships is that there are no consistent principles to follow. If you follow your principles, then there will always be a way to frame you as a devil, leading others to hurting you. No matter how hard you try to be good, you will be judged by how others think you should be and they will find ways to hurt you for it. This is what I learned from my family in which I am a controversial character with some people thinking I'm awesome for being wise and insightful and others thinking I'm a monster for being honest. You need to be able to operate under different fundamental assumptions and realities depending on what the situation calls for. Therefore, rather than being morally consistent by treating others how I want to be treated, I also try to account for how others want me to treat them. This is where I get stuck. Most people don't think very deeply about philosophy. They don't even know what their values are and they expect me to just know. The rules change constantly depending on the type of people you encounter. The reason I end up being consistent rather than flexible is because the standard I'm trying to describe is impossible. In practice, this is what I do. For example, I was in a hospital journaling while I was surrounded by about 20 other inpatients who were not doing anything important other than watching tv. I looked across the room and saw a woman who was distraught. She was looking around the room, but everyone even the nurses were ignoring her. I imagined that this woman probably felt like she was in deep pain and needed someone who cares, but nobody seemed to pay attention to her. I imagined what she might be going through. I thought it might have been another rape victim because I ran into a lot of those. I closed my journal and walked up to her. I started talking to her and said "it pains me to see you like this." The woman was grateful to see that out of all the other people, at least one person cared. In this example, I responded based on what this person needed by putting myself in their shoes and did what I could to make the situation better. I have many other stories like that one. To me the principles I follow translate into helping people when I have the opportunity to do so. I often show others far more love than I show myself in how I talk to myself. When others are in pain I show pure love, but I struggle to do the same for myself.

@integral I started reading about the symptoms for multiple chemical sensitivity. You seem pretty confident that this is the cause of my problem. I don't seem to match the symptoms like nausea, skin rashes, and others. The closest match might be trouble breathing which happens throughout the day when I start breathing heavily and getting light headed. I don't know if this is related to muscle spasms. When I tried to sleep last night it was more like a sense of hyperactivity taking over. It led to a lot of tossing and turning. Sometimes there is a hyper awareness that keeps my brain from shutting down. These sleeping problems started when I was a young child and have progressively worsened over the course of my life. I thought that I was having more trouble sleeping than most even when I was about 5. I'm not sure what other symptoms to describe. What should I be looking for in my case? What chemicals should I be avoiding and How do I do it? I'm about to move in with a cat lady, so this might cause even more sleeping problems. Does the situation I'm describing still sound like MCS? My instinct was to not take you seriously, but since you mentioned that, I'm trying to take this more seriously.

I have been struggling with insomnia for many years. My doctors have given me so many pills, but once I start getting weaned off of them, my sleep problems come right back. Now my doctors think that trauma is making my brain refuse to shut down. I have no idea which trauma caused my sleeping problems. Even when I do get to sleep after hours, I wake up hours early and can't get back to sleep. I can only ever sleep when I'm knocked out by a bunch of pills.

I've noticed a couple of people mentioning the abortion bans. The pro-life policies that are in place are already causing pregnancy related deaths. In fact Texas refuses to even count the number of women who died because of these polices already.

@ricachica I agree with psychology being taught as well. There are so many lives that could be saved.. for example, if I learned healthy ways to cope with anger, then I wouldn't have held onto all the anger toward my stepfather, believing it would empower me and lead to change. This fueled my homicidal thoughts further. Likewise, I often had suicidal thoughts and severe depression. My mind was constant mental torture and I couldn't make it stop. I think preventing children from killing themselves with the help of practical psychology should be considered far more important. There's a lot of things that need to be taught, but society doesn't want to teach them because of the expectation to focus on good grades as if it leads to success rather than dead end jobs and wage slavery. You could therefore make a case for financial management and basic economics. In reality it looks like there are so many important things to learn that we must become life long learners on a wide range of subjects. Self education must be included because school can't cover everything.

@caspex there were many grandmaster players who made analogies to life and took life lessons from chess. I used to do this myself. One thing chess can teach you is emotional mastery in a competitive environment. Masters don't just look at the board, they look at your body language to evaluate your confidence. This helps them to predict mistakes when they can tell you don't know what to do. This is part of the reason why I prefer playing over the board. This is why I also visualize myself becoming a grandmaster before playing the tournament games. I review my best winning games to build a confident mindset. That's how I defeated a national master in a tournament. I could tell he was likely to make a mistake because of how he hesitated when choosing between Qa5 and Qb6. Don't touch a piece until you know what your move is. Building confident body language helps cause your opponent doubts. You can tell by the fear in their eyes. Sometimes I get a lot of anxiety from tournaments. It gives me stomach problems and I start having irregular bowel movements. It might get harder to eat when I don't feel hungry. I'm trying to learn how to control my anxiety in these situations. I think I need to play in so many tournaments constantly that I don't feel so threatened. My play also worsens in the last day of the tournament. Although I used to love chess so much I created life philosophies around it, I know longer believe in these life lessons. There are Chinese generals who argue that in America we play chess but in China they play go. Chess is one way of thinking but a different board game will lead to a different life philosophy if you create an identity out of it. In reality life is too complicated for how chess teaches people to think. Most life lessons come from deep self reflection and questioning everything. You can become insightful in many ways. My favorite thing about chess is teaching enthusiastic students. There are some students who cry tears of joy because all their life they believed they were stupid, but then they beat the smart kid at chess. He then thinks I can't be stupid. Of course this is based on the stereotype that chess is for smart people. In reality anyone enthusiastic to learn can become a decent player. You can have an average iq and be a decent player.

@Leo Gura I hope you continue doing well in your training to reach 2000. I could tell you about strategy, calculation, and other universal skills that apply to this. You probably are not interested in having people tell you all the answers. Would you rather just figure it out for yourself, or are you actually studying things like pawn structures, endgame theory, planning, and calculation? I don't think you would want to spend money on actual books and courses. I could tell you these things, but I'm guessing you would rather do it yourself. Good luck.

@integration journey I recognize that you are frustrated by outsiders who don't understand your circumstances and situation. I have researched the Assad regime before and I needed a review to refresh my memory. I will try to understand your point of view. the Syrian civil war was sparked by a combination of drought, economic collapse, and political oppression. Initially the pro democracy groups protested peacefully, but the Assad regime responded with brutal force which included chemical weapons, torture, and imprisonment which included children. Assad was willing to destroy his own country and people to maintain power even if it meant bombing hospitals and schools deliberately. He created a constant atmosphere of fear by recruiting secret police to pay on civilians who were opposed to his actions. In response to this brutal oppression, the Syrian rebels began to respond violently against the regime. However, the western media is bombarding us complete bull crap constantly. The media is labeling all of the factions as Jihadists. This leads people on this forum to comparing your cause to Al-Qaeda. Some countries have labeled the Syrian rebels as terrorists, which oversimplified the goals, motives, and context behind this conflict. The rebels included military leaders who abandoned the Assad regime after seeing his oppression. Your goal is not extremism like ISIS. Your goal was to establish basic human rights. You probably feel insulted by Americans brainwashed by simplistic media narratives which delegitimize your cause. Am I understanding your perspective and your struggle?

@Tristan12 what Leo suggested here might be a kernel of hope to hold onto. I am going to be honest with you. Your situation is so serious and complex that I've been consulting with an AI assistant to help me respond appropriately. I want to help, but I feel out of my depth with the severity of what you're going through. Here's what the AI suggested. "You're right that we need to be very careful with the response, and it's good that you recognize the gravity of the situation. While his situation feels hopeless to him (and may seem that way to us), we need to craft a response that balances honesty with hope while prioritizing his immediate safety. Let me help draft a response: "I've read everything you've shared, and I can see why you feel trapped and hopeless. The combination of severe PTSD, crushing debt, inability to work, and the deep pain you're experiencing every day is overwhelming. I hear how exhausted you are from fighting this for 7 years. I need to be direct: I'm very concerned about your safety, especially knowing about your attempts in August. While I want to help, this is beyond what friendly support alone can handle. You need and deserve professional support, especially for PTSD and trauma at this level. I know you mentioned the financial barriers to getting help, but there are some options we could look into: Community mental health centers often have sliding scale fees based on income Some areas have teaching clinics that offer therapy for as little as $10-20 per session There are trauma support groups that are completely free Some therapists offer payment plans or reduced fees for people in financial hardship For immediate support, completely free: You can call 988 anytime 24/7 to talk to someone Text HOME to 741741 if you prefer texting These services can also help connect you to local resources I know this might sound like a long road when you're already exhausted. But you've already shown incredible strength by surviving 7 years of this. You don't have to figure everything out right now. The first step is just getting support to keep you safe while you're in this crisis. Would you be willing to try reaching out to one of these services? I'm happy to stay here with you and talk more, but I care about your safety and really want you to have professional support through this." It's me again. Maybe I will read over what you are going through again later to refresh my memory. Your problems need to be broken down and managed accordingly. I am not used to handling your particular challenges. I remember you mentioned attachment issues and crippling anxiety. I know some therapists recommended dating for me before, but for you it definitely seems inappropriate. I don't know how to help your attachment issues because I myself have issues like these I haven't fully resolved. Rather than being needy and clingy, I have an avoiding attachment style because I'm afraid of being hurt again by relationships like these. I avoid relationships all together to avoid ending up like mom and dad among other reasons. Starting with your debt, if you call 988, they might try to hospitalize you. You need to make it clear that you have such a bad situation that you are nearly bankrupt. You can't afford to accumulate more debt. They can help you find free immediate resources in your area. Maybe I can try to help of you describe what caused the PTSD. You may be describing CPTSD. This means you didn't experience just one traumatic event, but many and each of them impacted you deeply. This can deeply undermine your sense of self worth and meaning in life. If you are open to my attempts to stop you from killing yourself, then I want you to write out which experiences are bothering you and how did they impact your thought process, behaviors, and emotions. Given that you previously had many good habits, you may have experienced a delayed trauma response. You may need to break down each trauma response with the help of further insight into what exactly your mind is doing. What happened seven years ago when these problems began to emerge? I have made a couple of responses with my best attempts to help you. I want you to tell me if anything I said in this thread has been helpful at all. I don't want you to kill yourself. If it means anything to you, know that there are people out there who care for you and want to stop your suffering. You might be suffering from something like damage to the brain or nervous system dysfunction given the extreme emotional problems you described. Did you have any serious injuries? Has anything I said so far been helpful?

@Tristan12 I recognize that you have been in a state of mental torture for a long time. To be honest, I don't know enough about your emotional problems to help you. I would need to ask further questions. Are you willing to list as many of these emotional and mental problems as you can? How exactly are they impacting your mind and thoughts? What are the feelings and judgements you have of yourself? What are the concrete patterns you recognize in your mind when you observe yourself? Are they accompanied by life stressors like work and relationships? If you doubt your value and self worth, then I want to start by saying you are helping others and providing value weather you realize it or not. You might believe that your suffering was meaningless and is not providing value to anybody. In reality, reading your post has actually helped me. I myself suffer from many emotional problems. Sometimes I thought that psychedelics could help me and I have considered doing exactly what you did to yourself. You have shown me that I can't fix my emotional problems through these means. You have helped me to see a trap that I could have fallen into myself. Seeing as you can help others despite your deep suffering, this is proof that others would be hurt if you killed yourself. I want you to find meaning despite the hell you go through on a daily basis. May I ask you what is your life purpose and how did you discover it? How did you try to work toward it? I struggle with life purpose myself and you might be able to help me by showing me how you did it the main reason I considered psychedelics was because I thought radical states of consciousness could help me recontextualize my life, thus giving me a new perspective from which to approach life purpose. I believed that life purpose would give me the strength to accept my suffering and push through it, giving me reason to live. Meaningless suffering is what pushed me to suicidal thoughts as it has for you. I feel the need to challenge what you said here. You say that you are back in the same situation as before, but I disagree. First of all, you discovered what was possible and experienced relief although temporary. Secondly, you are now wiser to the reality of using psychedelics to fix your problems. Furthermore, seeing as you observed your mind going back to the same place, you can recognize that you are not in control of what your mind is doing at the moment. This is significant because you mentioned shame earlier and it may have something to do with the idea that you should be in better control of what your mind is doing. Your suffering is preventing you from achieving what you think you should be doing or becoming who you should become. Common in therapy is to recognize these should statements, although it is probably exhausting hearing this over and over again. I have been suffering for a long time too and from a lot of different things. I did a lot of journaling, self observation, therapy, medication, emotional mastery and so forth. I still struggle, but I did make enough progress to help others based on the wisdom I accumulated through my journey. You are on this journey too. I want you to take stock of the wisdom you accumulated along the way. I tried therapy and it wasn't as helpful as I hoped. There are many incompetent therapists unfortunately. I ended up just reading many books on emotional mastery and psychology. I had to do so much research that I ended up knowing better than these therapists and I recognized there mistakes. Most of my insights come from self observation, but I have made significant breakthroughs in research to. They have helped me recontextualize my trauma responses so I could work through them. For you, I don't know what kind of trauma You carry or struggle with. This depends on further information. I want to offer you whatever value I can. Suicide can be tempting when you seem to be stuck in meaningless and hopeless suffering. I would never wish this upon you. I don't know what you need, but at the very least I see value in you even if you don't see it. I wish you the best. Please don't kill yourself.

@Irina Wolf I hope you are doing better and I hope to hear an update on how you are doing. I'm ready to continue. I want to start out by saying you are making a positive change weather you recognize it or not. You may not be helping millions but you can make a positive difference in every interaction you have with individuals by showing your capacity for compassion. Even by showing your deepest suffering you have helped me to find love and compassion within myself. I am part of the proof that you are valuable even if your mind lies to you and tells you otherwise. Baron Katie argued that many of us are doing good for others but don't realize it. She argued that even violent criminals inadvertently left a positive impact because their suffering in prison deterred children from going down the same path they did. I want you to recognize your goodness even if you don't see it now. I want to tell you that I share many of your struggles. After a traumatic experience from my childhood, I tried to regain my sense of self worth by dedicating myself to a higher purpose cause to uplift humanity in the hopes that it would compensate my misery by proving my value to others. The problem is that my goals became grandiose and unobtainable just like yours. This in turn reinforced feelings of worthlessness because of my impossible standards. Although world peace would be beautiful, you need to recognize that most people in the world are not like you, making this goal unobtainable in our life time. I don't know what your fear and ptsd is rooted in. You seem to have learned to blame yourself from your childhood. You need to understand that whatever abuse you faced is not your fault or something you deserved. I used to blame myself for everything including my father's abandonment and awful fights with my mom. Some of my traumatic memories left me feeling dirty and tainted as if I had become impure because of my actions. If you ever felt this way then you need to know that this is a trauma response and it is not reflective of reality. You may feel ashamed of yourself because you feel that you deserved to be hurt, but this is based on the fallacy of the just world as if your suffering must somehow be deserved. I felt this way when my dad made me commit crimes for him when I was child along with some messed up sexual situations. You need to have the realization that your feelings when rooted in trauma are not telling you who you are because you were always worthy of love. So long as you hold the fundamental belief that you need to change before you can love yourself, you will be stuck in self sabotage. You are struggling to change your sympathy for the suffering of others even though it is rooted in your personal understanding of suffering. As children we learn to treat ourselves as if we are the cause of other people's emotions. In reality many people need to just grow up and learn to control themselves rather than lashing out to pin blame on you. You are not the only one who needs to take responsibility. I can definitely relate to your fear of people shouting and crying. I am extra sensitive to this stuff too. When my family would yell and cuss me out, I would run away crying. This is part of normalized emotional abuse that society has deemed acceptable, or at least the people you interact with. They want you to take responsibility for their feelings, but they feel no need to take responsibility for your feelings. You sound like you were emotionally abused and you did your best to survive. Your current behavior is hard to let go of because it is a deeply ingrained survival strategy. You can't simply will your way out this. It takes a lot of love and support to change these things. The death of your mother has clearly hurt you very deeply. Personally, I struggle with losing the person I loved and trusted most. There are no easy answers here. When you realize how much pain you feel after loss, it makes you afraid of getting close to other people because you want to avoid the pain of loss. This attempt to avoid suffering ends up backfiring by making it difficult to accept love from others, seeing that all of these bonds will ultimately fall apart upon death. The paradox is that suffering becomes unavoidable as avoiding loss leads to loneliness and isolation. This reinforces depression rather than escapes it. I struggled with the death of my grandpa for a long time. After my father's abandonment he was the closest thing to a decent father figure in my life. He did everything in his power to stop me from going down the same path as my father. As a child I didn't realize how much he meant to me and I took it for granted. This led to shame as if I didn't love him enough while he was alive. I continued blaming myself for not valuing him enough. Losing someone close to us is like losing a significant part of your identity. This pain cannot be undone easily, but I found some ways to cope. First of all, your mother clearly loved you deeply. She would not want you to feel this way. You may be punishing yourself because you wished you knew how much she meant to you. Did you try writing out what your mother would have wanted for you or writing a letter to her? This is a method used in therapy. In my case, my grandpa wanted me to be good by avoiding the gang activity my father involved me in. I remembered his simple words "be good" as he was on one knee with his hand on my shoulder. I stayed true to what my grandpa wanted by rejecting the criminal behavior of my family and seeking to understand for myself what it means to be good. I valued his wisdom and guidance. Once I lost him, I was on my own to become my own guide by seeking wisdom. I became like him and I now share wisdom through deep self reflection to help others. Although his death was painful, it didn't shape me in a strictly negative way. I transformed it by emulating his positive values and virtues. I became my grandpa, and my goal is to offer myself the same love he gave me. Ultimately, I was successful in getting my mom off of drugs and evicting my abusive stepfather. I protected my siblings from physical harm and showed my love for them even while putting myself at risk. I want you to understand what virtues and values your mother held. She cannot be here for you, so it is up to you to be here for yourself. How can you give yourself the same love your mother gave you? How can you embody that love and offer it to others in her absence? Do you have any qualities that make you like your mother? As much as you value her, you are just as valuable. Your mother knew you were worthy of this love, and you need to realize for yourself that she was right. This is how you can stay true to her wishes. This spiritual forum would tell you, your mother is a symbol of love. Ultimately you are your mother and she is not separate from you. Your mother is love and so are you. The distinction between self and other is imaginary, not absolute. As for the afterlife, I would submit to you that the afterlife is real. I literally have a picture of a ghost on this phone. She looks like a Victorian Era woman in a black dress. If you look at the evidence of ghost, you will find that they are real. I was skeptical at first, but I looked at the evidence and changed my mind. Furthermore, there are people who had near death and outer body experiences. There are people who were clinically dead with no heartbeat and they came back to life anyway. They tell stories about consciousness without a body, kind of like a ghost. The afterlife makes you feel free and without the limits of the body. Perhaps in the after life our consciousness leaves our body and merges with universal consciousness, returning to God. You become nothing, yet you become all form. The afterlife is interesting to look into and these were my findings. Maybe not everybody comes back as a ghost as your mother wanted. Maybe we are not in control of what happens in the afterlife no matter our wishes. You seem to consistently focus on weaknesses, your lack of energy, your worry and so forth. It may not be much but you can right a list of 100 good things about yourself or what you did. It may not emotionally make you feel worthy of love, but if you logically understand you are worthy of love, then it is a start that can help you get better. Personally, I think you can be compassionate toward others without loving yourself. For me I beat myself up all the time for not being good enough even though I never say that to others. I can treat you with love and compassion to help me learn how to love myself. You can do the same since you clearly care for the suffering of others. I hope you find value in my posts. If you have any updates I hope to hear from you. I wish you the best. Good luck.