Kshantivadin

This is the first baby journal I'll make. I have great visions for the future but the first step is to fix my shit, removing all the negative habits and patterns. Hope that it will bring positive change to your life as well. I've started my personal development journey in 2016. I think I've built a solid foundation. My conceptual foundation is complete. My habit foundation is almost complete. I've overcome many emotional obstacles. I have a bit of shit left to fix, and a bit of shit to implement and I'm ready to start hardcore visionary personal development work. But first, learning to brush my teeth. Join me as I finally take my problems and make them my responsibility and start manifesting the life that I want to live. Tying up loose ends , february 2020

@JonasVE12 wow didn't know this video exists. thanks!

This would be amazing if somebody didn't do it already. I just don't know if I am aware of all the gross domains of personal development. Having such a map helps immensely.

@Preety_India great insight, thank you!

@Preety_India Not internet domains!!!! Hahahahahaha. Fields of personal development.

I'm feeling kind of insecure and fearful because I haven't secured my basic existence yet. The expenses are small but still, I have 0 income which means I'm living from savings. I tried landing some freelance gigs but I haven't got any yet (I used to make some decent cash from it in 2018). I'm 20 years old and I'm 2nd year of psychology studies. My monthly expenses can actually be covered with a minimum wage 6 hour / 4 days job lol, even though I'm not entirely minimalist. I feel optimistic because of that, but I don't want to go the wage slave route. I have no fucking clue as to what to do. I took the hardest step which is saying "fuck you" to my mother and my brother. Now I would need to just start earning any cash in any way, so I can feel more grounded and independent. I've lived from my savings for too long, it was great but now it's time to make some money, I feel way too existentially insecure.

Trying to make journaling everyday a habit. I'm writing things down in my commonplace ALL the time (!) but I think that reflecting for a few minutes a day is a really useful habit as well. I think I'm too engulfed in content. Things are just happening, life is pretty stimulating and loud. I communicate really often, so times of solitude are rare, and when they happen, the mind is habituated to stimulation so it finds a way not to sit and absorb all the impressions and the experience. Today is kind of different, it feels like reuniting with an old friend. I finally managed to calm the mind down. This is necessary, at least once a week. I do the things that lead to things I detest in the future, yet I still do them. When I do them I don't know that they're gonna lead to the things I detest. Really ignorant. My chubby face which I hate never appears in my mind when I overeat. Or, if it does, I shun it, ignore it, it's not an emotionally charged image, I just simply don't care. And one day I wake up with chubby cheeks and have to unreap all the fruit from the bad habits. 7700 kcals per kilogram, eh.

One more day of overeating - I genuinely feel hungry but then eat too much. Don't feel full. It wouldn't even feel like overeating if I weren't aware of the amount of food and calories I'm taking in - definitely a surplus. I'm having a downer of a mood for days already, at least a week. It's hard to fix the foundational bad habits while you're in this kind of mood. But I think that by 1st of March, true hardcore personal development can start. I've got my values defined, I've got hints of my life purpose, I'm definitely sure what my passions are, and all I need to do is set daily tasks to manifest the things that I would like in my life. I'm sorry if this journal is a bore, but I'm literally in between a cycle where I want to outgrow the previous and be born anew. The karma I'm dealt with at the moment is on the one hand divine and on the other hellish. I have to deal with really difficult lacks of motivation, bipolar mood swings where at times I just want to lie down until I die, and on the others get manic and sometimes believe the thoughts that happen in such states which can be harmful instead of just enjoying the ride. I have to deal with huge irresponsibility, fear of commitment, all which seem insurmountable at the moment because I have to battle at multiple fronts at once. I have to overcome the new responsibility of paying my rent. Of caring for my needs. Washing my clothes. Cleaning my apartment, handling my food. The transition is difficult by itself, but add the shitty mental inclinations and thought and behavior patterns and a underdeveloped shadow and it becomes a wreck. A new semester in my university started yesterday. I'm at the half of my studies right now. Already. Studying is hard for me, I have lots of resistance to studying and passing exams and a lot of emotional baggage and limiting beliefs concerning me being able to overcome the obstacle of graduating. "I'll never pass that exam, I'm a worthless person if I can't, it's so fucking easy and I can't even do that". The emotions are being perpetuated by the fact that I struggle with the exam no matter what, but I can't muster the motivation to score a higher grade. So I struggle for a petty grade, and then feel bad about myself. The emotions are being perpetuated by the fact that my survival is threatened by those bad grades. How can I continue my studies after bachelor with shit grades? (I don't know that I even want to, but you get me, it directly threatens my survival if my degree is worth jack shit and I'll forever be a wage slave if I have bad grades). Add onto the former two problems the fact that I must juggle intimate relationships as well. Then add another ball of personal development. Add nutrition. Add fitness. And you get a dude who's not stressed from thinking, because he's meditating, who's not overthinking, because he's meditating. But the dude is struggling nevertheless. I think I'd go crazy with this kind of hardship if I haven't meditated daily for the past 3 years. And it doesn't help that I don't think much. Not articulating the struggle, just like I did here and what people do in their own thoughts (I presume) when they're overthinking, makes it even harder. Not thinking means I don't see the big picture of how this is gonna be like growth on steroids if I conquer the struggle. I don't see how life is gonna look like in a month. Three months. Half a year, one year from now. So I can't muster the will.

Overate three days in a row, brushing teeth regularly.

Compulsive artificial stimulation has got me numb I think. Thinking about my life purpose makes me have thoughts such as "I don't want anything". It's a vicious circle. That kind of life hurts. Don't want. But I still want social media. I still want music. What the fuck do I do ...

I often confuse tiredness and the mental state that comes with it with depression, when all you need is to sleep. I kinda forget that I have physical needs that directly influence my mind... There's a saying in my country "the morning is smarter than the night" I'm brushing my teeth first thing in the morning. It feels awesome. brush my teeth at least 1x a day start washing my clothes by myself FEELS AMAZING man. I feel so better about myself. Took me 3 months of living alone to do laundry. The thing is I haven't done anything in my life, my mom did everything for me. So cleaning and washing the dishes is something that seemed unsurmountable in my life. But I did it, woo!

I'm physically sick from the way I live my life. Being dead tired makes it darker so I'll go to sleep now. At least I can sleep, not long ago I had insomnia... I hate checking my phone this often. I hate looking at pictures. I hate listening to music. I hate any compulsive gratification. How are these rewarding things such a slippery slope? I feel hopeless. I feel angry because I thought I was done with that. I feel angry because I'm directly responsible for the lower quality of life from such habits. Is dopamine even real? I'm having limiting beliefs about the phenomenological equivalent of "dopamine"... and how pleasant, "dopamine-stimulating" activities are going to make me less sensitive to life in general. I generally don't know what to think about things in general anymore... I don't know anything about anything.

I see the potential for it bringing quality into my life. I am trying to allow myself to get inspired and not be so anal about asceticism. It can also be toxic. I don't know what to do. I have an Instagram account for half a year now, and I can say it enriched my life. My rules for usage were : no opening stories unless the people I chatted with in the past 3 days posted something, no scrolling feed, no explore button The last week or two I've been watching ALL the stories sometimes. I don't know if it's harmful. Also, the mega easy access to sexual content might be a dealbreaker. I still can't decide. Post your thoughts about this.

@kag101 I don't understand? There's lots of women being mildly or overtly sexual, lewd content etc. I guess it does serve my goals, I'll have to inquire.

I commit to brushing my teeth in the morning, as it's way easier than doing it just before sleep. I'm going to 100% follow through with the morning brush. While I'm writing this, I notice myself judging myself. Thoughts such as "why would anyone want to read this omg why are you distracting people with this bullshit" appear. "How come I am so fucked up in this life that I'm struggling to brush my teeth and wash my clothes - just fucking get up and brush your fucking teeth for fucks sake". The act itself is not hard. The resistance around it is unimaginable. I don't know why does the resistance happen. I will inquire into it. But it is definitely stronger than the karma to break through it, most of the times.

I might need to invest in therapy or coaching to fix the dysfunctional parts of my mind. Didn't brush my teeth last night, no willpower. Barely went to the bank to withdraw rent money, almost quit the endeavor. why am I like this? Might be that the mind is manipulating my newfound realizations about how I'll be alright no matter what. About how on the absolute level, it really doesn't fucking matter. And then I have no fuel to do the things eg brushing teeth, because ultimately it doesn't really matter. No fear to fuel me, no anxiety as in the past ( I remember the thoughts from years ago and the spike of anxiety I'd get when I'd miss brushing my teeth once in a year and it'd motivate me to immediately get up and do it haha). No fear now. Finally didn't ejaculate long enough to get a wet dream. I love retaining my semen, which was really hard because I have sex almost everyday and when I didn't I would be really unconsciously driven to masturbate. Happened a few times in the past 3 months.

I haven't got many loose ends actually. tangible things i need to fix : brush my teeth at least 1x a day go to the fucking dentist already (SO MUCH RESISTANCE to making an appointment. I cringe at the idea of calling a dentist and going and doing it. It's not really fear, it's EXTREME, paralyzing dread that there's no space in the emotion to actually make myself do it so I can get on with my life -writing this is the most spacious thing up to now) start washing my clothes by myself (I've been living alone for some time now and I still didn't turn my washing machine on). Major resistance and this hurts my self worth and sense of integrity in a way. start generating any kind of income to get the ball rolling All these bullets happen because of the same underlying cause I think. I need to inquire into that deeply, you could call it depression. bad habits : overeating (peanuts have WAAAAY too many calories and are the #1 reason I have puffy cheeks) not fixing problems as they arise I actually don't know how to go on with this process. I haven't really found a blueprint on this personal development part. This is basically fixing negative mindsets / beliefs / thought patterns / emotions ??? because the problems don't lie in the specific things, but there is a root cause. If I fixed the root cause, the problems wouldn't appear anymore. I don't know how to go on about this. But that something is hindering my ability to fully get into the above zero part of personal development.

9th of February allowed myself to inspire myself before a workout. Something I would never let myself do earlier. I'm off to do it!

@Elisabeth I'm leaning towards maintaining a quiet café .@Yonkon

I have a limiting belief that I'm not worthy enough or that people won't like me. I mention this because this is my reaction to your post. It's weird and I don't know the cause because I have more self-confidence than anyone I know, but my self-worth is really low. I literally can't accept your "best of luck, keep us updated". I think I'll start a journal on here, since my true life started now. I did the gross personal development, put a good foundation already since I've been listening to Leo since 2016 now. I need to fix some of my bad habits, some bad "traits", some limiting beliefs, and then I'm pretty much left with an awesome foundation for an awesome personal development life. I'll go and write in my journal now which things need to be fixed.

I would say 1.5 years max. More if I learn how to spend less ( I'm good at saving and have little desire for expensive things, but pennies and cents go here and there and it really adds up). Also more if I cut my spendings (I pay rent)

thank you very much!!!

It doesn't happen often since I've started NoFap more than 3 years ago. But still, it happens sometimes, and when it does - I feel miserable. Physically. Of course there's the psychological aspect where I failed doing what I want, and all the thoughts about how I lost my vital energy and temporarily castrated myself and desensitized my dopamine receptors etc. But when I clear my mind of those thoughts, what's left is - really, a tired, lethargic body, having lost lots of energy (it's like my sexual energy is contained within my semen and when I release that way I lose both the semen and ALL the energy), wanting to just not move at all and not motivated to do anything the entire next day, with an extremely depressive outlook on life. The love I feel is far greater than the minor genital love, than the love of gratification, than the love of satisfying my needs. Naturally, this aspect of life must go. Because I love myself too much to be doing this to myself. I love the higher pleasures way more than the not even satisfying, 4 second sensation of pleasure. I don't masturbate to orgasm though, of course. I do it out of self-harm mostly now. When I want to fuck myself up, I hurt myself this way. That's what happened the last two times. So, most of the times it's harming myself, sometimes it's handling emotional pain, and sometimes it's just pure sexual energy which is gravitating towards sexual activity and boom I'm searching and watching super feminine non-sexual stuff. You could even say my masturbation is healthy. But the pain I feel afterwards, I definitely never want to experience masturbation in my life ever. I also feel the same pain when I cum during sex. My sperm is extremely thick, I haven't seen such sperm. I consider myself a highly sexual being and I think that most of my life force is actually derived from the sexual energy. Without it, I'm a vegetable. The last two months, 60 days, I masturbated 6 times. That's way, way too much for me. Before that it was like 3 times in 2019, and 2018 went an entire year clean. Horrible. I wrote on the other side of a drawing of mine (where I drew a sun shackled, unable to reach a land of smiley-faces) that I vow to never masturbate again. I truly, truly, truly, don't want it in my life anymore. I love myself too much. I love others around me too much, they benefit from the energetic, happy, charismatic me. This post is the first step to devising a plan to end this shit. If you happen to know of a step-by-step method, please let me know. Any advice is greatly, greatly appreciated, thank you! The things I know : Accountability partners (giving them money if you fail) Taoist semen retention exercises Making it harder for you to get access to sexual content (hard for me because I just unconsciously hopped on instagram and lots of shit there) I don't know what to do. This is really depressing, that my inclinations are DRIVING me towards harming myself. I can feel the sexual energy right now, wanting me to go on instagram again and FUCK. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, I want to fuck. My mind thinks that masturbating is fucking.

Awesome reply, thank you! It truly does lower my energy, from experience of many times of masturbating. Though I'm trying to resolve that neurotic relationship against it. This year I did let myself do it once, and it was Love.

Samsara is futile. I don't know how to be free. When shall I be free? I'm seeking for a monolith to touch and get blessed. I want out. I couldn't meditate now from all the pain and I'm trying to find artworks (music, poems) that can liberate me. I'm stuck in this bullshit self-narrative. I have glimpses of not having it, and it feels so meaningless. The ego wants meaning. I can't just have things happening, I need for them to have meaning. What is life even? What is consciousness? I have no fucking clue. Why not lie on the floor and rot until you do? Why even do that? Why do anything at all... And finally, it's not even being done. Doing is happening. It's all heavily determined. Karma. And I'm experiencing karma, why exactly? My being craves enlightenment. I suffer too much from ignorance. I need wisdom.