ZenAlex

I really wish I knew what was causing this. I know it's not just depression and anxiety, because I've had it much worse before, and was always able to exercise. My body hates exercise.

I'm not sure I'm going to bother researching into this any longer. I'll keep doing blood tests and going back to GP for more advice, will keep trying things but researching for hours isn't really going to yield anymore results at this point. My symptoms are not specific enough, and I have no idea what else to do. Why did this have to happen? B12 supplement, wait for other tests to come back. Will go get an anti-histamine and see what happens there. Will try my best to be grateful. Any advice on what to try is appreciated by whoever reads this. It's difficult to know what to do. The tests will hopefully narrow things down, but unless what I'm trialling is specifically linked to test results and doctors advice, it just feels like a massive stab in the dark.

What meds do you take?

You have the freedom to act upon your will, but your will is not chosen by you. It's exactly the same as an AI robot being aware of their programming but still being governed by it nonetheless. Everything you think, feel, desire, is chosen for you by your body/brain. Everything that goes into determining what you will do is not of your choosing. There is no escaping it. Self creates an illusion that you are in control, but in reality it's just natural processes unfolding on their own, there is no one in control, in a manner of speaking.

Part of me a tad disappointed that I didn't see immediate impact of b12 supplement, sometimes I feel ok but sometimes irritable and racing thoughts. I'm practicing self compassion now. I really hope this is resolvable, because I cannot spend the rest of my life without exercise. Hopefully other tests come back with answers. If everything else fails, then death is available as an option.

You could end up triggering schizophrenia, is it really worth it?

Nothing bad happened. Part of me disappointment it didn't make me feel different immediately, but we'll keep taking it and see what happens. I really hope this is the answer. I have been more appreciative of the little things in life for a while now, but will hopefully be more so. Part of me thinks I don't deserve a good life because I haven't suffered nearly as bad as others. I've had things quite comfortable at times.

I have often struggled with internal arguments. Imaginary arguments in my mind which have been present in me for 10 years. I have managed them but they have taken up hours of my day everyday for years and have been exacerbated by my recent issues. I am addressing them with a psychologist. I have often tried to figure out if they are a manifestation of social issues and social isolation, but prolonged periods of time around people, even in a positive way, doesn't really seem to make a difference. I wonder if the characters are a manifestation of my inner critic, and I am arguing against it. I wonder if the OCD is amplifying it as it leads to me talking the arguments outloud for hours sometimes. OCD + ADHD + internal arguments. I really hope I'm able to recover from all of this. Sometimes I feel so ungrateful for the life I have, and cringe at the amount of time that's been taken up by these issues. I always wonder if I could have done more, but I forgive myself but the symptoms themselves required so much management and there was no clear answer. I will see this as a lesson. One thing I've learned is trying to strive to be too comfortable can hinder progress.

Fuck it. Took the 500mcg sublingual. Lets see what happens. Not sure if I'm just a coward or just very methodical. We'll see.

Despite eating animal products etc more often, b12 still quite low on normal. Will likely start supplementing 500mcg sublingual b12 soon, just nervous about side effects. Talking to people in b12 communities now about how to prepare. Part of me is nervous about this being the issue, but I hope I've finally figured this out and hopefully this may have been the reason for unexplained depression/anxiety for many years and I will recover and maybe finally get back to what i was a long time ago.

My mind, even before these most recent symptoms, has proven itself a real cluster fuck of different symptoms. Depression/apathy, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and maybe even Autism. A lack of desire for any relationship with others, never really enjoying people's company that much or connecting to others. For 10 years whenever I ejaculate I feel irritable, depressed etc after. No anaemia, auto immune, thyroid issues evident. Neurodivergence + Mental illness/something weird with my brain chemistry in some other way. At times it's felt normal but I can tell it's not. Ah, what am I even doing here, is this even achieving anything? I was in a decent spot before these more recent symptoms. I was dull but I could find breaks in the storms.

I can't enjoy a lot of the things I used to I have low motivation/apathy I cannot exercise because of this, so I'm trapped, my ability to take satisfaction from things is extremely limited I've had emotional numbness, depression, anxiety for many years, but I had it under control and could take a decent amount of satisfaction if i stuck to my routine, now I have that on top of the inability to get outdoors and hike and exercise frequently. I don't feel like i'm in excruciating pain, I try to be grateful but being in moderate discomfort all the time with minor enjoyment is not a good quality of life. I know people out there are going through so much horrible shit which makes my problems look minimal in comparison. I just wish I knew what was the cause of this. And sometimes it's just waiting for tests to come back and in meantime you're just meditating. It's difficult to know what else to do but day to day tasks and shit. I feel I should be using this time productively but if very little satisfies you then what am I being productive towards besides trying to resolve these symptoms? I don't drink, I don't smoke, don't do drugs, eat healthy, track my nutrition, I did exercise but cannot, I've given up video games and tv for long periods of time, I meditate, I'm doing therapy which I'm paying hundreds for my long lasting psychological symptoms, but It feels like the defusion techniques are only mildly effective, the inner arguments keep coming and coming. My psychologist said he was gonna send me more things to reflect on but hasn't. I feel like I have done alot, but since the symptoms have been here for 7 months, is this really a good end result and effort for 7 months? Not sure. So much procastination and wanting to be comfortable. I feel like I'd want to look back on all of this as worth it and say that I learned something but I don't think I have. There's no solution anyone has offered, nothing I've discovered recently that is a "aha" moment. It's just speculation on what it could be. I am not strong, it's not excruciating, just dulling. I call myself lazy and then challenge that by realising if I knew what I needed to do to get better, I'd be doing it, but I don't, I'm just searching for answers.

It's hard not to feel apathetic. The anhedonia spells, low motivation, wont go back to video games/tv because that just leads to stagnation and not much enjoyment, not much give me that much enjoyment anymore, but I'll hold on. I feel like I've procastinated a lot and haven't got much done but that's easy to do when you have no diagnosis and don't know what exact is causing all of this. I feel guilty and ungrateful for life, but I forgive myself due to the complexity of my symptoms and how at times over the years my symptoms have come randomly.

So now just awaiting active b12 test, DAO test, fatty acids test. Doing the 4 point cortisol saliva test today. Will do the covid anti body test this week. After this I think I'm done with tests. I will take the risk of side effects and start taking a 500mcg sublingual b12 methylcobalamin and see what happens. Will just one, leave it a few days, and then take another. I will print off my b12 results because I need to go to a doctor and argue b12 deficiency, I dont' want them testing me again with elevated levels after supplementation saying the higher levels disprove deficiency. But then again I don't know if it is a b12 deficiency or not. I know recovery is not linear but when you cannot see change happening gradually, it's difficult to know if what you're doing is having much effect. I'm not doing much with my days, but I'm getting a bit tired of searching for answers. If all the stuff mentioned here doesn't work, then I'll hanging around for 2-3 months or so for stuff to start kicking in, such as supplementation, waiting for my echo heart scans etc, and if none of it comes back with anything... Then I suppose I can consider the possibility this is just a fucking up weird stress response happening in my body that may not get better and will just diminish my quality of life and I may just have to live with it? If that's the case then it's a choice of committing to life or committing to death. I wont take a middle ground.

Have sent off another active b12 test. Should get it back by end of the week, and will see if dietary changes have made any difference to it. If not, will probably start taking b12 supplement. My sister and mother did b12 tests and there's are lower than mine, despite not being vegan. Makes me think there's an issues in my genetics potentially.

Feel like shit today. Have flashing lights in eyes, mild migraine, first one I've had in years. Disturbed sleep. Getting weird feelings and tastes. Will continue to de-allergise my property over the weekend. Will send of the lasts of my tests and await results of others. I will risk it and take a high strength b12 supplement next week and see if that makes a difference, although worried about side effects. I'm getting sick of not getting an answer for these issues. Am I weak? None-existence is sometimes very appealing.

The cortisol levels are rising bros. I don't know why. My life isn't stressful. Unexplained shit going on brahs. Asked GP to test SHBG also, they still have result yet to come back but again my testosterone is above range lol.

I notice that talking to others over the phone and mental stimulation from computer work has an after effect also. Physically demanding and mentally stimulating activities have an after effect. Seems like post exertional malaise, except not really fatigue, but other physical and mental symptoms. I often wonder if I've done enough or if I've procrastinated too much. Time is slipping by. I'm 32 now, the last few years have gone way too fast. I've realised, though I gotta try and enjoy life while this is all going on, rather than waiting for these symptoms to go before living again. Just live around the symptoms the best I can. If I manage to get over this, I'll never take being physically capable for granted again. I hope recovery will make nature that much more beautiful and I will savour it. It makes me feel bad that despite having nature and hiking at my disposal previous, at times I used a few months at a time to procrastinate and be lazy and play video games. I'm done with thinking about suicide for now, I need to give all of this 100% effort, although it's hard because of my mental health symptoms taking up large parts of my day. I remember when I was hiking before, that despite it being enjoyable at times, the internal scenarios would take up about 50-60% of the hike from me. Hopefully this recent suffering was a necessary part of my growth. At times I feel like people younger than me are my fucking seniors.

Update - Allergens - In regards to mould/allergens, and air quality, my new air purifier came today, will set that up tomorrow. I weirdly look forward to cleaning every week now. I used to hike 9-3 on saturday and sunday and that would be my mental detox, now it is cleaning. It takes my mind a good half day after waking up before it consistently remains present, so the first half of the day needs to be outdoors or focused on practical tasks, rather than being mentally stimulated. I miss hiking. Anyway... I also realised that I never cleaned my dishwasher filter and it was filthy. I gave it a good clean and disinfect and washed my dishwasher completely. Mould from that could definitely be impacting me. Ugh. Also noticed my apartments humidity is ranging from 58-80, so that may be causing increasing of allergens, will look into getting a dehumidifier, but not too many things at once to make sure I know what works. Adrenal As I looked into adrenal fatigue I thought it could make sense but not sure what I could really do about it now tbh other than to continue to destress. Apart from related disorders like cushings and addisons disease, it's not really something that's easy to pinpoint or figure out if that is wrong with you. Tests I will take the saliva cortisol test on monday alongside my active b12 test to see if my b12 has gone up with dietary changes. Part of me wants to just fuck it and do a 100mcg sublingual, but concerned about side effects. I may just take a 1000mcg one once a week and see what happens. If I instantly get better or worse then that may be the answer. I know I could have done this much sooner, but I saw strategic value on holding off on it. It the absence of hiking I need something to bring me to the present for the first half of my day as that sets me up for zen for the rest of the day, and that is why I like to leave most of my cleaning/household chores for the weekend to calm my mind for the first half of the day. Just saw my DAO histamine test will take 10-12 working days to come back unfortunately, as well as the fatty acids tests. Stay patient. At least will get my active b12 and saliva tests back by end of next week if I send them out monday. I also have the covid antibody one to do, need to give my fingers time to heal as did a few finger prick tests this week. Mental Continuing to meditate daily, the internal negative scenarios arise far more powerfully since my new symptoms started. The more I walk and do things that exacerbate my symptoms, the worse the mental side of things gets. Walking triggers my depression/anxiety, so I have to keep to 30-45 minutes. My psychologist is interesting to speak to. He's given me defusion techniques to try, which sometimes drag me out of the worst of my internal scenarios. Sometimes meditation isn't enough as ADHD makes staying present hard, so a more interactive technique is required. But once one scenario is defused from another comes along in its place. It's sometimes impossible to stop myself talking them outloud for extended periods of time. I continue to see my family on sundays and go out to football when I can, as it's my only real social interactions now I'm off work. Work Hopefully if I resolve this, I'll change jobs and maybe get a job as a cleaner since I found out I find it satisfying. I've always known technology stimulation can aggravate depression and anxiety, but right now physically demanding jobs are out of the question until I can resolve these issues.

Sorry for late response. I've been on nofap for the majority of the last 8 years, with minor "relapses" (I just decided to jerk off for the fun of it after a while). I don't jerk off very often now. Last time I PMO'd was in december, since then just had wet dreams, and occasionally finished myself off if my wet dream didn't do it and I woke up during, but that only happened 2-3 times in 2024. I do notice more irritability after wet dreams, but not that bad, and it's gone after 2-3 days or so. I just refrain from jerking off entirely, my sex drive has been piss poor and inconsistent since I was a teenager. I remember having ED during childhood even, and inconsistent sex drive. This makes me believe i have hormone issues but I really didn't care because I was often so sexually, socially and romantically apathetic.

I don't feel fatigued after exercise, but I feel lightheaded during and after, and get rushes of depression, tightness around my body, restlessness and higher anxiety. This isn't even after high intense specifically, even just walking does it to me. It's been this way for 4 months. Had blood tests done, no anemia, thryoid fine, hba1c fine, no hypoglycemia, b12, D, iron, all fine. Any ideas?

I'll research more on adrenal fatigue/issues tomorrow. When I contemplate what lead up to all of this, in the months leading up to this, I played a lot of video games. I keep contemplating that I overstimulated myself during this period of time and triggered some sort of weird stress response. I always knew tech stimulation made me feel worse, but since I was away from it in the past for 6-12 months at a time, and didn't completely get better, just saw some improvement, and because I indulged for periods of time before and got back to the zen lifestyle, I didn't expect that it may impact me this way. I have no idea if this temporary period of video game playing messed me up, but there were two things going on just before the symptoms started, that could be just coincidental or not 1) Many hours of video game playing most days, although I did have a few days break at times between binges 2) I took the multi vitamin everyday for about 2 months. The symptoms started a few weeks after ceasing video games and getting back out for hikes again on a daily basis. I'm such an idiot. I've had inner peace to some degree in the palm of my hands and at times I've let it go. Probably because i had to go to extreme lengths to maintain it, and because of emotional flatness and the need to avoid stimulation to maintain wellbeing. I don't know if I should be highly self critical here or forgiving, because my symptoms have often been weird and no doctor/therapist can do much about it.

The one thing that's difficult about situations like this is that there's so much overlapping of symptoms. How would you test and diagnose MCAS.

Oh, and I forgot to mention on my OP - Symptoms I've had for several years but never were too debilitating - Low sex drive since I was a teenager. I've rarely to never really had the motivation to pursue a sexual partner. Over last 10 years, felt very irritable, more depressed/anxious after orgasm for about a week after. (On nofap for majority of last 8 years). Poor appetite - Lost a bunch of weight at one point, including lean muscle mass, because I was able to exercise well enough and had energy due to healthy foods, so assumed I was getting enough calories, but poor appetite must have deceived me. Started eating more medjool dates, nuts etc to boost calories, felt better, but poor appetite remains despite management. 9 years ago - Suddenly felt way more anhedonic, anxious for no reason, depressed, irritable, compulsive thinking habits. Managed, but has never fully resolved. No interest in romantic partners, despite having opportunities. Can social well enough but no real desire. Very Limited satisfaction. Mental stimulation from technology has a prolonged after effect. I remember when I was chopping and changing lifestyle habits that playing just a few hours of video games would make my mind feel far less in present moment and far more ADHD/hyperactive for about a week after. After 1-2 weeks after from video games/tv/watching videos, my mind would feel considerably more present, although I feel like I have to avoid tech stimulation like the plague now to avoid it's negative impact on me. I only allow it occasionally when a big sporting event happens and I decide I just cannot miss it, and accept the negative after effect.