ZenAlex

I'm sure that there's something physically wrong with me on some level which is what caused these recent issues and my long term unexplained anxiety and depression, especially considering that I have no serious trauma in my past, nothing that really worries me that much Even the anxiety I developed felt more like random uneasiness that was there for no reason and has at times got better with lifestyle/dietary changes. I want to care and I want to get better but logically I know that life could be good but I struggle to care and get motivated, and I don't know what else to do really.

Got my cortisol saliva test back. Every came back absolutely normal. Some of the people telling me that this is just stress... it definitely isn't mate.

It's really difficult for me to feel motivated. It's difficult in an apathetic and emotionally flat state to really care about anything. I want to resolve these symptoms, but sometimes I don't really want anything. At times after working hours I'll literally just meditate and sit with ambient sounds on for hours because that's all that makes sense to do. At times I feel like there's no serious symptoms, just flatness and detachment from anything. ---------- I am going to get a continuous BGM to test the blood sugar theory again, see what happens there. I should get my saliva cortisol test back and see what happens there. I am also considering the possibility this could be a gut issue, and am considering fasting or elimination diet and see what happens. --- Even before these more recent issues started I've have anhedonia, apathetic and depressed feelings for so many years now that I forget what it's like not to be this way. Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to continue on with life at all, although I try to assume there's a good reason, and sometimes I will feel good and try to use that as my motivation as much as possible.

Someone mentioned my symptoms seem to be like an autonomic nervous system disorder. Gave me a list of doctors, I emailed the one closest to me with a breakdown of my symptoms. Might as well. Will look forward to their response.

Was quite irritable yesterday when I said this. I realised that I feel better when I spend the first portion of my day getting necessary work done, and focusing on being productive and moving my life forward, then once I've satiated that part of me that wants to move forward, then I can feel ok just doing whatever I want after and enjoy procastination on websites. But I don't have an order/a schedule, it becomes a scattered day where i procastinate and then feel bad and anxious/irritable about wasting my time. Order, schedules. My life was at it's best when things were done order.

Two tests that are interesting to me that I may try are - Advanced Intestinal Barrier Assessment Neuro Adrenal Panel (HOR05+HOR11) If I was to not get results with the doctors or anywhere else, then I'd just start smashing these tests and hopefully something would come up.

Also anyone could point at a much better test for covid/long covid that would be helpful. Not sure if this is what I have but going through the process of elimination.

Didn't realise until after I got this done that a high result could just be the result of vaccination, which I of course have been. Anyone with any experience/knowledge on this could help out interpreting these results?

Boring song.

Decided to do a covid antibody test, unfortunately I didn't know it could show high simply because I've been vaccinated, but it's an interesting thing to know anyway.

I don't drink, smoke, I was vegan for 8 years, so ate no cholesterol. But have been eating reasonable amounts of meat/dairy/eggs for the last 10 weeks. I know low levels of exercise are linked to it and I cannot do more than just walking right now due to my issues, but I'm still walking for 2-3 miles a day or so. But the main piece of advice the doctor gave to me about HDL cholesterol was increasing Omega 3 intake, which was around February. I started eating salmon 3x per week, so getting plenty of omega 3 now. I was taking a supplement for DHA as a vegan + ala sources like seeds. Despite good omega 3 intake, it hasn't budged. It was around 0.9 on another companies test in november, but I'd assume it may fluctuate a bit. My supplementation was regular. Below are my levels. Is it purely lack of exercise causing low HDL? It's annoying that my 2021 tests didn't include cholesterol so I only have results over last 7 months while I've been having these issues. oct 2023 april 2024

I really wish I knew what was causing this. I know it's not just depression and anxiety, because I've had it much worse before, and was always able to exercise. My body hates exercise.

I'm not sure I'm going to bother researching into this any longer. I'll keep doing blood tests and going back to GP for more advice, will keep trying things but researching for hours isn't really going to yield anymore results at this point. My symptoms are not specific enough, and I have no idea what else to do. Why did this have to happen? B12 supplement, wait for other tests to come back. Will go get an anti-histamine and see what happens there. Will try my best to be grateful. Any advice on what to try is appreciated by whoever reads this. It's difficult to know what to do. The tests will hopefully narrow things down, but unless what I'm trialling is specifically linked to test results and doctors advice, it just feels like a massive stab in the dark.

What meds do you take?

You have the freedom to act upon your will, but your will is not chosen by you. It's exactly the same as an AI robot being aware of their programming but still being governed by it nonetheless. Everything you think, feel, desire, is chosen for you by your body/brain. Everything that goes into determining what you will do is not of your choosing. There is no escaping it. Self creates an illusion that you are in control, but in reality it's just natural processes unfolding on their own, there is no one in control, in a manner of speaking.

Part of me a tad disappointed that I didn't see immediate impact of b12 supplement, sometimes I feel ok but sometimes irritable and racing thoughts. I'm practicing self compassion now. I really hope this is resolvable, because I cannot spend the rest of my life without exercise. Hopefully other tests come back with answers. If everything else fails, then death is available as an option.

You could end up triggering schizophrenia, is it really worth it?

Nothing bad happened. Part of me disappointment it didn't make me feel different immediately, but we'll keep taking it and see what happens. I really hope this is the answer. I have been more appreciative of the little things in life for a while now, but will hopefully be more so. Part of me thinks I don't deserve a good life because I haven't suffered nearly as bad as others. I've had things quite comfortable at times.

I have often struggled with internal arguments. Imaginary arguments in my mind which have been present in me for 10 years. I have managed them but they have taken up hours of my day everyday for years and have been exacerbated by my recent issues. I am addressing them with a psychologist. I have often tried to figure out if they are a manifestation of social issues and social isolation, but prolonged periods of time around people, even in a positive way, doesn't really seem to make a difference. I wonder if the characters are a manifestation of my inner critic, and I am arguing against it. I wonder if the OCD is amplifying it as it leads to me talking the arguments outloud for hours sometimes. OCD + ADHD + internal arguments. I really hope I'm able to recover from all of this. Sometimes I feel so ungrateful for the life I have, and cringe at the amount of time that's been taken up by these issues. I always wonder if I could have done more, but I forgive myself but the symptoms themselves required so much management and there was no clear answer. I will see this as a lesson. One thing I've learned is trying to strive to be too comfortable can hinder progress.

Fuck it. Took the 500mcg sublingual. Lets see what happens. Not sure if I'm just a coward or just very methodical. We'll see.

Despite eating animal products etc more often, b12 still quite low on normal. Will likely start supplementing 500mcg sublingual b12 soon, just nervous about side effects. Talking to people in b12 communities now about how to prepare. Part of me is nervous about this being the issue, but I hope I've finally figured this out and hopefully this may have been the reason for unexplained depression/anxiety for many years and I will recover and maybe finally get back to what i was a long time ago.

My mind, even before these most recent symptoms, has proven itself a real cluster fuck of different symptoms. Depression/apathy, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and maybe even Autism. A lack of desire for any relationship with others, never really enjoying people's company that much or connecting to others. For 10 years whenever I ejaculate I feel irritable, depressed etc after. No anaemia, auto immune, thyroid issues evident. Neurodivergence + Mental illness/something weird with my brain chemistry in some other way. At times it's felt normal but I can tell it's not. Ah, what am I even doing here, is this even achieving anything? I was in a decent spot before these more recent symptoms. I was dull but I could find breaks in the storms.

I can't enjoy a lot of the things I used to I have low motivation/apathy I cannot exercise because of this, so I'm trapped, my ability to take satisfaction from things is extremely limited I've had emotional numbness, depression, anxiety for many years, but I had it under control and could take a decent amount of satisfaction if i stuck to my routine, now I have that on top of the inability to get outdoors and hike and exercise frequently. I don't feel like i'm in excruciating pain, I try to be grateful but being in moderate discomfort all the time with minor enjoyment is not a good quality of life. I know people out there are going through so much horrible shit which makes my problems look minimal in comparison. I just wish I knew what was the cause of this. And sometimes it's just waiting for tests to come back and in meantime you're just meditating. It's difficult to know what else to do but day to day tasks and shit. I feel I should be using this time productively but if very little satisfies you then what am I being productive towards besides trying to resolve these symptoms? I don't drink, I don't smoke, don't do drugs, eat healthy, track my nutrition, I did exercise but cannot, I've given up video games and tv for long periods of time, I meditate, I'm doing therapy which I'm paying hundreds for my long lasting psychological symptoms, but It feels like the defusion techniques are only mildly effective, the inner arguments keep coming and coming. My psychologist said he was gonna send me more things to reflect on but hasn't. I feel like I have done alot, but since the symptoms have been here for 7 months, is this really a good end result and effort for 7 months? Not sure. So much procastination and wanting to be comfortable. I feel like I'd want to look back on all of this as worth it and say that I learned something but I don't think I have. There's no solution anyone has offered, nothing I've discovered recently that is a "aha" moment. It's just speculation on what it could be. I am not strong, it's not excruciating, just dulling. I call myself lazy and then challenge that by realising if I knew what I needed to do to get better, I'd be doing it, but I don't, I'm just searching for answers.

It's hard not to feel apathetic. The anhedonia spells, low motivation, wont go back to video games/tv because that just leads to stagnation and not much enjoyment, not much give me that much enjoyment anymore, but I'll hold on. I feel like I've procastinated a lot and haven't got much done but that's easy to do when you have no diagnosis and don't know what exact is causing all of this. I feel guilty and ungrateful for life, but I forgive myself due to the complexity of my symptoms and how at times over the years my symptoms have come randomly.