TL;DR - I realise no one on this forum is obligated to respond to me or pay me attention, but if you're going to try and help please take the time to read this full post. If the responses that I get on this forum help me I promise that once my issues are resolved I'll spend more time on the forum trying to help others.
I'll make it as brief as possible.
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My time meditating has lead me to become a lot more self-aware. I've improved my symptoms of depression, anxiety and ADHD, but there's one thing that I'm seriously stuck on, and I believe the best words to describe it are - Social catastrophizing, although it may not be that simple. It may be some form of being neurotic.
The symptoms -
My mind pummels me with social scenarios that turn negative or are awkward sometimes for hours on a daily basis. I have managed to reduce the frequency and severity level of the emotions surrounding them by lowering my default level of mental activity and learning how to let them go, but the disease is still very active with an active mind.
IT IS NOT - Rehashing and reliving old arguments. I know how not to dwell on past things. My mind produces scenarios that HAVEN'T EVEN HAPPENED. At it's worst, I would walk past to men in a truck, and my mind would create a fantasy about me being kidnapped, raped and killed. I would pass a gang, and automatically I would have fantasies about being screwed over or imagining myself killing them.
And it's not even something that relates to what I'm experiencing in the moment, sometimes I'm just sitting there and I imagine myself in front of a hall front of people having to argue - At one point the symptoms were so severe that I would lose myself completely in the thoughts and talk outloud the content in them. The arguments and fights would feel so real. I would not be able to get rest until I had beaten the other characters in my head or resolved the issue.
I'VE LITERALLY HAD 30-60 MINUTE LONG CONVERSATIONS WITH MYSELF, SITTING ALONE IN A ROOM TALKING OUT LOUD LIKE A MAD MAN. And the weird thing is - I started to wake up from this during my meditation days starting, but the energy that went into creating the internal catastrophes was too great. Noticing what I was doing would only stop it for about 10-20 seconds, but it was like steam that needed to vent, I had no choice but to continue talking to myself.
Here's the thing - I'm completely and utterly calm and patient with people 99% of the time in real life. I get on with my work colleagues, I see my family, I don't get into arguments with anyone really. I tell everyone I see and meet - "Have a nice day", I can feel empathy, I like animals, I'm a vegan.
What I've done to try and resolve this
Becoming more aware of the thoughts, and recognising what's ACTUALLY happening.
Writing down all the positive social scenarios I get in, reminding my mind of the fact that I can get on completely well with people
Improving my diet to reduce anxiety levels
Almost completely eliminate any use of technology beyond necessary means because it would rev up my ADHD and Anxiety, primarily because of the mental activity level it would inspire.
All this stuff has helped a lot, but the disease in my mind seems to be there. My life quality has definitely improved, but I've noticed these thoughts are the most common thoughts on my mind. The only life I know how to live now to get some happiness is a life of peace and quiet where I get some relief from the thoughts with a more quiet mind.
I believe this issue to be some kind of neurosis because I think the reason I've spent time losing myself in them is my brain trying to resolve something unresolved inside of me, but I don't know what it is.
There must be something lodged deep within my subconscious trying to get me to view others cynically.