Thought Art

It feels like I could have been successful had I been more mature and stable. anyway, don’t wanna complain and play victim. Just feeling down… If this is Gods will it makes no sense to me. soon I’ll be 30, even famous musicians rarely make money from their music anymore.

Once your 40 you might as well be dead. I felt lke 3 years ago everything was working out so well. Playing festivals, working with tones of artists, networking, developing fans… then my girlfriend who was my business partner cheated on me and it set me back in a massive way and took me like 2 years to heal. Now I’m healed, but very confused. Qigong has healed me in a big way. I need more money right now and I just got a new job. But took out a loan, plus have credit card debt and a student loan. Need to tackle these things. Was trying to invest in myself to start teaching qigong online but I may have been swindled I don’t know. the problem with debt and money is that it represents huge chunks of time. I feel like I’ve lost everything. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to be a musician or a business owner. i fucked up my life. I don’t know what to do. im confused about Gods love. Why? Why make me so stupid? Why give me so much talent and capability but then so much stupid and emotional challenges? why this tinnitus? Why my cheating fake of a girlfriend? i feel like I’m really musically talented and that that is my actual life purpose. But, God doesn’t care. God doesn’t care if I succeed or fail. The suffering it’s put me through… What can I do? I need to be realistic.

There’s no cure I don’t know what suicide is but it may be the best option for me at this point

Yeah it’s terrifying as fuck to have this sound

I’ve got this strange ringing in my left ear God hates me You don’t make money with music… I need to start earning money at this point in my life, pay off debt and build a savings. Music is over. I’ve got tinnitus and survival needs. I’ve got tones of fear, self doubt. im happy most days but I just took out a loan and I’m having self doubt it was wise to do. and for this reason I may kill myself. I feel like I’m just trying to make my life enjoyable and have a positive impact but with money and this tinnitus, I’m balding, I’ve lost my beauty…. It may be time to restart from square one. You don’t make money from music. I need to go back 10 years. Not get this ringing, etc. I’m too old. I need to be realistic. Living a slave job for the next 50 years and not having a way out isn’t something I’m gonna endure. I’m literally trapped in a prison. I know Leo will say “it’s all Gods love and perfect” yeah well some perfection.

A few years ago I joined some toast masters meetings but only really dipped my toe in. I am considering rejoining. Does anyone else here currently attend toastmaster meetings? I really enjoy the format and I notice that the more I speak on youtube, reviewing some of my old videos, and as I am working on my webinar and setting up my online Qigong teaching business that my current speaking skills just are not at the level that they need to be.

I’m making progress but my life could have been loved much wiser current focus is getting out of debt, not killing myself and maybe one day living a sustainable life purpose im disillusioned that my life can be amazing or that I could be a musician or artist 26 years old, only getting older. Feeling a sense of hopelessness today. I’m not wise. I wish I was 20.

Sometimes I don’t want to be here. I think about suicide but realize it would hurt those around me. I spent too much money on an online course and I’m regretting it. Bad strategic move. I’m getting older… why am I here?

@Breakingthewall you believe

‘Free’ just make sure your a Christian

Maybe I shoulda went this route

Experiencing some suicidal thoughts and self doubts. I’m very foolish. I don’t know how many more days I can take the bus to jobs that mean nothing. everything I pursue scares me and I want to quit Im weak as fuck

I don't think I am strong enough...

I am realizing I am not special, I am getting older and I am not wise. I am going to get a second job, cut my losses and focus on building a normal career. Fuck life purpose. That is for rich people or people who started young. I will enjoy my life, but I am not here to do anything special.

"the act or offense of speaking sacrilegiously about God or sacred things; profane talk." - Oxford Languages Zen Devilry

Yea. Creating distance from ego. But also, be yourself

I think most people in the US and Canada don't really like their job. I think a lot of people have a lot of stress but enjoy aspects of life.

Give yourself a hug Cry a little bit say "Thank you" "I am Sorry" "I am glad you are here"

Laws of human nature is amazing. Lots of practical and even spiritual insights in that book.

RIP

I like that

Ben is definitely blue orange. It's easy to smell other's bullshit.

I can't get younger but I can age well, and create a mature beautiful and balanced life. I still have some subtle dark thoughts, suicidal thoughts. I have suffered greatly in my life. However, I know many others suffer as well. So in that case I am a warrior. I have come a long way. I am smart and capable. I have the vision. I am taking action every single day. Let's making something work. So many people fail. Failure is the norm. I must overcome all my challenges and limitations. I want to help to destress the world.

Can't wait to look back on where I am in 5 years... Still sober, successful, financially free. Ill be 31... Older and older we go. Can't go back in time. Have to no longer identify as the young man I was, with the opportunities I had. I wish I could be 20 again with the knowledge I now have. However, I obviously simply have to make due with the life I have. I would like more friends who are interested in Yoga, Qigong, meditation, music and wellness. No more stoners and losers. As my past few roommates were. I only want leaders, creators and great people in my life. I felt like for awhile I was meeting a lot of these people but I was pretty under developed. Life can be really beautiful, but it can also be hellish. I want to make something beautiful. I don't need to be famous.