Thought Art

https://youtu.be/SniI1RjTaL8

Recently I was in a coaching program but I had an ego backlash and did everything I could to get out of it. I realized it was simply too early for me and I have to spend the next 3-5 years working on myself before I can start a business. I have some issues with regards to trust, finances, etc. Regardless. I would describe my behaviour as potentially manipulative and devil like. A problem I am finding is that I am almost fragmented. When I feel scared, uncomfortable, etc It's almost like another me comes into play and starts fucking with me. I start demonizing others, feeling paranoid, thinking people just want my money etc. I start feeling this neediness like I need peoples attention. I notice that my perspective becomes constricted, I start seeing all the problems with reality instead of the solutions. I distract myself with youtube shorts or youtube videos. I swear, or curse or I complain or demonize. I think that I actually have a very toxic aspect to myself that needs to be addressed if I am going to be successful. I think my attachment style is something like disorganized avoidant. I want to live a life of integrity. Right now I really need to spend the next 5 years building solid foundations. Because if I don't build these foundations in my: 1. Character, integrity, foresight, maturity, groundedness 2. Financial health and systems 3. Skillset, education, qualification 4. Mental Health 5. Spiritual practice 6. Cognitive behaviour 7. Qigong, yoga/ Skeletal/ muscular and spiritual integration/ alignment I think I need to stay at my current job, build up a healthy savings and enjoy a higher level of groundedness, maturity, well being and develop the feeling of safety and self love. I find myself coming in and out. It seems I am sometimes at a higher state of consciousness and other times at a lower state. I am slowly developing self trust, but I also know I am not to fully trust myself yet. Here is a list of ways I want to start to notice my devil like behaviour and begin to self reflect and correct it because its going to sabotage all my success in life. 1. Start a Devilry file in my reMarkable tablet and begin defining what a devil is to me, build this definition over time and begin noticing how I am actually a devil 2. Be open and honest with myself when I am in a devil like state and begin noticing how I enjoy my devil and victim like attitude. 3. Notice how others are devils in their own way and develop compassion for them and for myself because I know first hand how hard it is to be a good person Devilry is a real issue. I no longer think of myself as a good person but instead want to see myself for who I really am. I will continue along my purification, maturing and life mastery process. Until I build a solid foundation there is no success to be had in the social/ business domain of life.

!!!

Yes, I’ve messaged the company to apologize and to do the wisest more high integrity thing I can going forward. Whether it’s rejoining the program… or if they don’t accept me back allowing them to keep the money as I promised I would pay instead of demanding a refund. I’d rather have self respect looking back at myself in 5 years than see I was being a greasy coward.

Lol sorry! I never really watched it too much

@Breakingthewall I have to be a man of integrity and honour my word. I signed up for a reason. I might as well follow through all the way instead of being a fucking coward.

@Breakingthewall yes Im honestly terrified and it’s really really hard

Build your foundation and take full advantage of your education. Learn to be a great student!

Some of it sounds crazy I don't know where he gets these ideas from lol like "Spiritual history" or whatever.

I love myself even though I am petty, weak and a devil sometimes. Who else will if I don't? I have to love what is. Me an my ADHD brain.

let’s build a solid foundation before I do anything else. 1. Finances 2. Mental Health 3. Physical Health and Qi health

I have the capacity for self deception, toxicity, cowardice, double mindedness, devilry. This is very important to note. I suggest I move very slowly with all things in my life because I am not as pure as I may believe I am. Today direct experience shows this. I am still immature, doubly minded and fragmented and instead of life purpose or success or coaching others I must instead work on myself. there is no one else to teach

@Medhansh Semen retention is important and we can actually learn to masturbate without ejaculation and we can instead recycle energy and develop the ability for multiple orgasm. I don’t know about what it heals but having quality sexual energy is important.

This is a journal to record contemplations on balancing Yin and Yang and Enlightenment through psychedelics, self inquiry and Qigong. I will also be included certain yoga practices (Prana = Qi) and breathwork. Some books I am reading/ Are on my Reading List: The Secret of The Golden Flower The Way of Qigong The Way of The Five Elements Simple Chi Kung Cosmic Nutrition Total Forgiveness The Tao of Fully Feeling Qigong means to become skillful with our energy. There are three types of Qigong (Qi = Life force energy, Chit, physical body etc) (gong = To work with or be skillful with). 1. Martial (Tai Chi, Kung Fu, etc) 2. Spiritual (Three treasures, Microcosmic Orbit) 3. Medical/ Preventative care (5 Elements) These total about 3000 styles of Qigong around the world... There are some like 600 types of Qi but the three major categories are: 1. Jing (body, sexual fluids etc) 2. Qi (Bioelectricity, life force energy) 3. Shen (Mind, Consciousness, awareness) Qi is a meta-term for the overall governing happening and intelligence of the human body and of life in general.

@itachi uchiha lol

ooooooooooooo, lol got you there thats the simplest explanation instead of ending up with infinite feedback loops

One authority to another though right? Overly well thought out post. Some of it seems a bit strange. I consider Leo a nihilist and someone who loves science. Cool to read someones perspectives. I personally find that science and spirituality are both important and have enough juice to excite me for the rest of my life. I personally don't know Leo but I feel like his videos opened my up to learning about all perspectives and not defending my own. I find it interesting when people accuse Leo of this, when he teaches others to be open. And, yeah, Why would he speak to Rob (Adeptus) when he frequently makes videos about him in a negative light. It's wisest to just do your thing in those situations. I personally like Robs content. I am personally not a buddhist, but I love buddhist teachings. Lots of juicy stuff in that. I personally am not into having "Faith" in a teaching. But learning from as many as possible over the course of my life. Buddhism has a lot of great stuff in it.

I will attend one of these one day.

Maybe focus on building rapid skill acquisition instead of mastery if is just a hobby. Here is a book I enjoyed on the subject. The First 20 Hours

https://www.actualized.org/forum/forum/2-self-actualization/

Sober or high, ya can be very mislead But, sometimes you are closer to the truth.

@Sigitas You can message him on the forum in a personal message

Making a video about my contemplations of high quality decision making