Thought Art

I think I don’t care about views or subscribers but my own relationship with myself in putting out creative work. I will post at least 1 short a day for the rest of 2022. Let’s see where this goes. ?

I’m going to face the truth instead of cower away from it.

For me right now what matters most: 1. Maintaining healthy finances and developing a greater savings 2. Paying down debts 3. Developing better mental health and self esteem and curing myself of the traumatic backlashes and suicidal thoughts I get from time to time 4. Deepening my Qigong and meditation practice 5. Possibily finding a second job for the next year or two Being easy on myself. Letting myself be where I am.

Addressing and working through our trauma and being honest about it, and actually healing is better than popularity. I will be myself warts and all. YouTube is just for fun anyway.

Just lost 2 subscribers on my YouTube channel. Oh well lol

I feel a lot of pain at this time. I will go home, meditate and do Qigong. Drink herbal tea and go to bed.

I have many times feared this would happen and often do. my father used to scream at me for forgetting to wash the dishes. I had ADHD growing up and would forget everyday.

People who judge my flashbacks or regressions are simply uneducated.

I am going to feel all my emotions, good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, harmonious or discordant.

“In fact, feelings are best regarded as roadside pointers toward lessons we need to learn on our path. Each time there is something we are really angry about or scared of, there is a powerful lesson to be learned. It is usually something we have withdrawn from in the past that we are now getting the opportunity to embrace” - Gay Hendrix, Learning To Love Yourself

“I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself” - Jane Eyre

@Nahm I don’t hate people. Anyway, if that’s how you feel. With regards to my earlier posts… I don’t wanna be 50 years old thinking “wow, I really wasted all my opportunities for success”. So, I’m getting my butt in gear. Other people might be fine with that but I’m not. I’m going to figure something out. Or die. I’ve got this life and I’m going to honour it. 1. Develop good mental health 2. Develop healthy finances 3. Develop healthy relationships 4. Develop big picture thinking 5. Develop a meaningful career that has a positive impact on the world But, it’s a slow slow slow process. I have no idea what will happen. My past has taught me things take a long time to build and can collapse very quickly. I can’t get too attached. But, I want success. I want it!

I want to practice again, perform again, hang out with artists again. im bitter, I’m hungry for material success, a blocked artist debt, I’ll need to tackle it I want an Op1

I would like to change my name to Engramn. This will be my journal, Engramn does Thought Art. (Engramn my artist name)

“I was staging life as a battle ground…”

? I feel how I feel ?‍♂️ when it comes to external success I have no reference experiences of being very successful sustainably over a long period. In order to grow there’s gonna be ups and downs. need to clean up my body, mind and spirit and keep doing so. Gotta stop losing money on dumb stuff like expensive courses And yeah, I don’t wanna just sit around in a boring mediocre existence. So, if there’s an obstacle… which there currently is then it’s me. Always has been me. But, then obviously I’m the solution. I’m not talking about simply enjoying being here. I want money and success. I want to continue to be a better friend to myself as well, more wise, strategic and creative. I don’t wanna settle. But, there are obstacles and if there wasn’t I wouldn’t be feeling as I do I would be otherwise.

I think I understand. I’m my biggest obstacle in all this.

But I am admitting. I’m not sure I understand you. I feel a wide range of emotions in different contexts. When it comes to money, career and success I haven’t had a real taste of it yet and there’s a lot of pain to work through in this area.

It’s very hard to make something of yourself beyond what’s normal. I’m facing a lot of resistance. I think I tend to want to move to fast, but want things to go slower and faster. I don’t really know how to trust a process I’ve never done before. Im wondering if learning to teach Qigong was a distraction and waste of time. It’s definitely helped my mental and physical health. So, it was important. I thought that learning Qigong and accounting was an important combo for building a powerful life skill foundation. Now I’m in an online course to start teaching Qigong online. But, I’m not sure if I want to teach it anymore and maybe it should just be my personal practice. It’s hard to know if I’m weaselling my way out of it or…. I want to be successful and well off financially and in my purpose everyday. I’m here, so I either make it work or live a shitty life or kill myself. I only got 3 options. Maybe deep down I just want ease, comfort and stability. I haven’t really experienced that. Maybe I need to get that down for a few years first before I dream big or anything like that. I regret paying for this new course. I should not rush. Success matters to me. I have this life and I want to go or my life I just find it difficult to see how my actions will benefit me long term.

Watch how he puts the bible as the absolute truth and gives it his whole authority. Very interesting after learning about Absolute vs Relative Truth and Authority through actualized.org. it’s insane how the mind can do that, get lost in concepts and gives its power to a single book. Belief is a hell of a thing.

@PurpleTree rent, plus travel, etc… all this eats up time and money. Really need your own spot. again, I’ve had access to these things. when that girl cheated on my I lost my vision and lost everything.

Thanks, I have no idea

I enjoy accounting because I realize that administration skill set and accounting ability is the one skill that will allow me to make my own business in the future. My lack of understanding around money, and administration and realistic etc got me in some trouble. I know in my heart my music is powerful. People were sending me thank yous, fan mail, telling me they would listen to my live streams for hours over and over again. But, I went through a set back and deleted everything. Didn’t know how to love myself?. Still learning. lost my footing there with my mental health because I’m a moron I used to write poems and had people stealing them as their own and people sharing me in poetry circles. I didn’t realize that I wouldnt feel anything. I need money for a guitar, op1, some basic recording equipment and my own place without neighbours. I don’t know. Accounting is good too.

If you can’t make money from it, in reality with 8 hours of work and a commute. It’s a hobbie.