Lento

I was watching this video; And from the beginning to the end, I cried so hard. It's reached to the deepest of my heart. I've cried so many times in the past, yet rarely like this. Suddenly, I've got a full picture, complete understanding of what's going on, and where she's coming from. I felt everything she's gone through and how it all affected her to become who she is. I realised how monstrous it was from me to assume that she's being narcissistic. She was never a narcissist. She has always been an angel. She's the purest heart I've ever seen. I am a monster, and I don't even deserve her. Great, now my eyes are full of tears.

Yeah, I don't think she has a serious mental illness. It's probably just some shadow and trauma issues. I'm working my way around this. Any advice would be helpful. Credits to her, she was the one who introduced me to how to create boundaries. .. Oh, you haven't seen me and her discussing something. The levels of connection and understanding were beyond imagination! It was infinite growth!

Hey guys! I hope you're all doing great. So, I've researched quite some bit about this dynamic, especially in relationships. And from my real life experiences, I can confirm that it's true. I've been quite a narcissist since my early childhood, then during college, and as I started my spiritual journey, I started moving more towards empathy. Right now, I would say that I'm about 80% empath and 20% narcissist. The way I perceive human personality is one of a spectrum, so I believe there isn't an absolute empath nor an absolute narcissist, but rather a mix of both in different proportions. In the last couple of years, I've noticed that I feel attracted to narcissists, and that they are attracted to me. This dynamic has occurred to me thrice or more (not only in relationships), and I also fantasise about it sometimes. And after years of spirituality, meditation, personal development, etc... I've become more understanding of narcissists in general and more aware of how they think, act, and react. I learned to always create exit points, and to always have some cards hidden which the other person has no clue of. I've learned to make a narcissist feel completely in control while they actually aren't. This is the only way I know of that I can use to protect myself from narcissists. I think that right now I'm in a relationship with a narcissist, one that appears to be having father issues and sadomasochistic tendencies, which explains how she also has empathy. The thing is that I think we're Twin Flames. Both of us have grown the most when we were together, we both connected very deeply on all levels, and we complete each other in very special ways. The problem, though, is that right now she's trying to manipulate me, like hurting me emotionally. I don't know if she's aware of what she's doing, and I can't discuss this issue with her right now because that's part of her manipulation; She's trying to manipulate me by staying away from me. This dynamic has occurred once before, but it seemed like her empathetic side interfered or some complex narcissistic dynamic took place. After that, she asked me why I am into her, and I said that I love her company, and that it's the only thing I want from her. Apparently, now she's taking away from me the only thing I said I wanted, trying to cause me emotional pain and expecting me to react. At first, I wasn't sure about that, so I reacted normally, and that fed into her narcissism, yet after a while, her empathetic side or something else interfered again. But now that I am certain, I stopped reacting completely. She seems to be swinging on the spectrum from one end to another. I'd like to mention that she's in a quite stressful situation right now, so maybe that plays a role? Also, I've noticed that both narcissists and empaths like extreme emotional stimulation, or rather they don't find satisfaction elsewhere. Right now, and as I'm moving towards a stable balanced personality, I notice that I am becoming less identified with the emotional extremes. I notice that I started preferring to have a more stable relationship without much manipulation, although I would still allow a little bit of manipulation from either partners just to spice things up from time to time. Any advice? Suggestions? Opinions? I'd like to hear from you guys. I don't want to give up on this relationship because it's quite rare to find a Twin Flame. I've read that narcissism decreases with age, and that it can be cured. What do you think guys? I could use any outside perspective. I might be missing something, and I don't want to make this decision solely on my own, because it's very important to me. Thank you.

That's not entirely false. It's a little bit complicated. We didn't meet at first looking for love. It started with empathy, and then evolved into love. All the while, I used to be codependent and I couldn't help it, until the first time she did that same dynamic. At that point, we got back together and discussed what happened and I was able to see what's going on on my side. From that then on, I started to become more aware and move towards independence. That's why I want her in my life. You don't find such great people every day. Right now, I'm closer to independence than I ever was, yet I still prefer having her in my life. The amount of growth we were having together was just unbelievable. If it wasn't for her, I would have probably never been able to notice my own dynamics and work on them. Thanks for the rest. You're very kind. I will check out the video and the channel. .. Thank you so much. I will check the channel out.

Wow! Thank you. And thank God she's not at all like that. Your ex seems like a very severe case of narcissism. You've definitely better off without him. For me, if anything, she's only like 5-10% of that. Thanks for the perspective. I wasn't aware of the concept of attachment styles. She does seem to have an avoidant attachment style. Apparently, it doesn't only affect the receiving end. I think I'm lucky to have swimmed already in that endless hell of the deepest pain. I just don't want her to do the same thing. I've been like that for years, and I still am to a certain degree. But I'm working through it and I'm improving, and I want her to improve too without having to struggle as much.

It's possible. I think I used to have it to a similar degree and that it's improved. I may still have it, but not as much. That's exactly what I do! Trust me when I tell that I don't want to be an empath, because it's hurting my survival. I'm in the process of learning to let go of it, although I notice that it is constantly growing. I quite often put myself in other people's shoes that I forget mine. My selflessness is hurting me. Every time I tell myself that I should become more selfish, I forget and fall back again. Recently, I've realised that the goodness of everyone is found in my own. If I survive better, everyone else will. I don't have much experience in these regards. Maybe I will try to, I don't know. Yeah, I didn't say it's just one Twin Flame. I said it's quite rare. How about empathy? I feel like I should somehow make up to her traumatic past. I feel like I should be like a father to her. I also feel like she's walking down the same path I have, I remember being in a similar place, and I know how it feels. I'm trying to help her out. I don't want to leave her alone, because it was really difficult for me when I was left alone with no help and no one to understand me. I spent years struggling and making mistakes until I've got to where I am right now. I think I could protect her from harming herself and wasting her time and energy. I told her that I would not have a problem being just friends with her if that's fine. She wants to remain loving and loyal to each other but to stay away from each other too. She wants to free me from obligation I believe because she has high morality. As well, she can't be friends with me. I sense that she wants to feel protected, like she wants to have me like a father who she can return back to when she needs help and feels weak. I sense that she just wants to know that I will be there for her. That may be giving her the things she always wanted; love, support, understanding, reassurance, and protection. Right now, I'm questioning if I should or not. I mean I want to, and I guess I could, but it's not as much fulfilling to me. I guess either that is true, or my empathy is distorting my perception.

I would rate her as 70% narcissistic. It's really difficult to say that she has NPD because she shows conflicting behaviours. Perhaps her high morality conflicts with her emotions, and so she swings from end to end. Compared to ordinary people, especially where we live, she's highly conscious and very open-minded. Still, not quite as I am (also compared to where we live). But she's highly moral and responsible, so I don't worry about this problem. Actually, I do think that I have low latent inhibition as I struggle to stick to a routine. I find it more joyful to go with the flow. I also identify myself as cluster b type, and a little bit neurotypical. So, basically, I am an empath. I don't know about this. I have never connected with anyone quite like her in my entire life. Not even a friend, nor a family member. Of course. I hope I didn't sound like I'm saying anything near that. I said I would allow a little bit of manipulation to stir up the emotional stuff from time to time, but that's it. That'd make the relationship feel more alive. I just don't want a very static relationship. This sounds plausible. I guess I'll have to wait. .. That was very eye-opening. Thank you so much. And please let me hear if you have any other thoughts.

I am void of all desires. All I'm doing nowadays is just autopilot old conditioning. Last time I was taking the German class, a girl sat next to me. I usually would want to initiate an interaction of any kind, not because I'm a social extroverted person, but because I used to have a desire to connect with women. Now, I don't. It feels empty. Everything feels empty. She forgot her book, so she asked me to share mine with her. I was like meh, okay. She was not ugly, nor sexy, nor anything. I just don't feel that desire to connect anymore. Right now, I'm in a place where I don't want to initiate anything. I prefer walking my own path and I don't mind others joining it. I don't have time for playing games. I am not interested in those sick dynamics. All I want is honesty and straightforwardness. Am I asking for too much?! Perhaps I should stop growing in the vertical plane and instead continue growing in the horizontal plane. I guess the higher you become, the more disconnected from your environment you become. This happens even here. Many people can't see what I'm pointing to because they're too dumb to see it. I'm done with all kinds of games, including mind games. There are no problems. Knowledge is a trap.

@RendHeaven You will get it someday.

@Serotoninluv I don't disagree with anything you said. All of this nuance is an indicator of experience. That is fantastic. Knowledge is great, no doubt. But, it's all just theory and mind games in the end. I don't see actual effects in practice. Most people trip and discover something deeply profound, and yet they are still the same people with the same patterns and hang-ups. This issue may be similar to what you referred to as "contextualization" of the trip, but I don't think so because this contextualization is still in the domain of theory and not practice. In this context, psychedelics seem like a great tool for mental masturbation. Anyway, ignore everything I said, probably I am wrong. I'm now more interested in waiting for Leo to come back and show us some of the miracles he mentioned in his last video. That'll be the best way for settling this once and for all for me. ?

Knives Out; what a brilliant movie to end the week with! It was so overwhelming, I didn't even feel time passing. I love this kind of movies where you have to stay alert from the beginning to the end and you still have no clue about what's going on. It just keeps you in wonder, and then it leaves you in wonder too. Oh, and Daniel Craig and his British accent. Just incredible! .. So, that was last night. Today, I did nothing almost at all. I'm exhausted after a very busy week. I deserve some rest. I spent most of the day just relaxing and enjoying the silence, although I went out and walked for one hour, worked out for 30 minutes, listened to some music, and watched Jumanji 2 which was only okay. The rest of the day was just about relaxing the body, calming the mind, and deepening the connection with my perception. The day is not over yet, so I may go out or do something else. I need to make good use of every single moment of the weekend to recharge my powers. I have big plans for tomorrow, or so I think. ..

@LfcCharlie4 It's pointless dude. THIS, NOW, HERE, etc... don't feel mysterious. Seekers are seeking mystery. In pointing it out in a demystified way, no one will listen. Instead, look at how much exaggeration and mystification Leo does. A seeker does not want the mundane. They're rather seeking to run away from it. And that's where Leo comes in handy. Promises after promises. Just follow along and keep your money pouring. Best case scenario, a blind leading the blind.

Today at college, the professor didn't come. It was a 2-hour class, so I picked up my phone and started listening to music. I don't usually shuffle all. I often listen to my most played, or recently played playlists. Or, when I shuffle, I only pick certain songs that match my mood. Anyway, this song came up; The story of this song goes back to my second year of college. That was one year before I got into personal development. So, I'm listening to it and getting amazed at how much I've changed. It's just unbelievable! I used to have zero self-esteem. I was a needy, neurotic, insecure, underdeveloped, stage Blue dweeb. I was a complete disaster. Funny how everything can change. I was embarrassed by those memories, but I kept the song anyway. I had deep empathy for myself. I can't say that I felt anything because I didn't. There was a bunch of thoughts without identification. I have no fear, and without fear, there's no identification. Is it good to not have fear? Everything is Good. .. I did a second cold shower experience. It's very important to warm up before going in there. This time it was a follow-up to a 10-minute home workout. I felt more resistance even though less cold than last time. Still, I did it even more impulsive than last time. The more you think, the worse it gets. Just do it. The results so far seem good. I feel a bit more energetic than the usual. I also feel more grounded in my body, and more impulsive. I've read this post last weekend and noticed how much that practice is being oversold. It seems good. I don't know why people like to exaggerate everything. .. This is definitely and absolutely the worst way for wasting your time. I feel pity for those who still believe Leo, I truly do. I feel even more pity for those who try to correct him with their genuine concerns. Leo is now corrupted beyond correction. Day after day, it's becoming clearer to me how actualized.org is probably the sneakiest cult in our era. Leo advertising psychedelics more and more everyday. There are only two logical explanations for this; he either owns a pharmaceutical factory, or works in one. This may seem like a stage Orange assessment. He is full of shit.

LMAO When will you guys ever get it? Leo's pharmaceuticals is a real thing.

You can't be aware of the facets of God all at the same time. One facet leads to another, and all are one in essence at the same time, but you can't be aware of them all at once. Awareness has a limited capacity. .. A leader must have an ever-changing, ever-evolving personality. Egos like to cling to a static reality. When you change, they will feel like they have lost control over reality and they will try to gain it back again by trying to hold you back to return you to homeostasis. A leader does not care what other people think. .. God's realisations don't fit in this character. I feel like an actor on a stage. Sensations seem to only manifest when I encounter something that is on my same level. Love has turned into compassion without sensation. Hatred has turned into self-love, which means compassion with my self without sensation. Anger has turned into energy without sensation. Sadness has turned into low energy without sensation. Laughter has turned into a waste of energy without sensation. Jealousy has turned into motivation without sensation. .. I have always been eager to share my wisdom with the world. Nowadays, I just know a lost cause when I see it. It's not possible for me to force a closed-mind to open. I don't know how to open other people's minds without triggering them. When I discuss something, it is difficult for me to communicate my thoughts without hurting some egos. For me, I can easily separate the personal stuff from the truth. I am a truth addict. Unfortunately, most people aren't. Most people are fragile hypocrites who claim to want the truth, but the truth is that they only want to feel good. As soon as the truth starts to feel a little bit uncomfortable, they freak out and run away. Most people are not stoics, and therefore they're not comfortable with being uncomfortable. Not-knowing is a serious threat to the ego structure and most people are not aware of their ego and the tricks it plays on them. Their narrative is all they have, they just can't give it up. Without a narrative, they feel lost. I feel pity for them sometimes, but then I remember that it's not up to me. I can't exorcise the devils out of them sinners. Or to be more honest, I don't care. Let them burn in hell. It's not full awakening unless hell equals paradise. I'm not fully woke myself, but I'm on my way there. Oneness means accepting everything as it is. I'm at Oneness right now. The next step is Creation. It's the ability to be selective with reality and hold it all together like it's all that matters, while at the same time being aware that none of it really matters. Right now, I'm transitioning from letting go to holding on. But I'm looking for balance. That's the ultimate goal, baby, and create it I must. A creator is someone who creates the most out of suffering. He's free, completely free that when his feelings lead, his thoughts follow, and vice-versa. There's no one in the world more powerful than a creator. Instead of surrendering control for happiness, a creator has both. A Creator is both a God and a devil. That's why duality exists, because two gods are better than one. From God's perspective, the devil is included even though it's non-existent. From the devil's perspective, God does not exist at all, and the devil thinks that he's God. So, there you have it, the true God and a fake one. Formlessness and Form. Awareness and thought. Direct experience and concept. Reality and imagination. Presence and absence. Now and time. Whole and part. Inside and outside. All and none. None and all. Enlightenment is being able to shift seamlessly back and forth between the two and being able to hold them both together at the same time and neither as well. Until then, well, nothing. Everything is going to be alright. .. "Oh, so silently we go.. Oh, so silently we go.."

I wish I had time to play with you guys ?

@Verowilleswissen Fear of death is one of the most difficult obstacles on the path. Everyone had it to some degree at some point. The problem with all emotions is that in trying to run away from them, they become even more haunting. So, the solution in general is to face them head-on fearlessly, to feel them deeply without resistance, and to know that the sensation is there for your own good. Now, with fear, it's kind of paradoxical. Because in essence, you're not afraid of death in reality. You can't fear something you don't even know. You are afraid of something you know. Something very dear to you, that you don't want to lose. What is that thing? Can you let it go? Apparently not. The title says it all. How can you win if you are fighting yourself? If you win, you lose. And if you lose, you lose. Can you see how surrendering is the only option left?

So that it may start working again ?

@mandyjw I don't think. That's the case! ?

@mandyjw I've read that discussion earlier. Perhaps I'm too dumb to have such problems. My mind isn't that sophisticated.

@wavydude I'm sorry. I can't communicate with a closed-mind. Unless you show signs of openness, I have nothing to say.

Are you asking about the techniques that can be used to understand reality or about whether something else exists besides direct experience? Psychedelics, for example. My understanding of them is based on research, contemplation, and observation of other people.

@mandyjw If I was your guru, I would hit you with a stick! But maybe you'd have to learn your lesson the hard way. Or maybe I am wrong. Time will tell..

When you enter the vortex, your life as a whole will become art. You will not be able to see anything mundane. Even something very logical like mathematics will become an art for you. Spirituality and Love are portals to Vortex.

Today I start with the second semester, and the first German class. I will be very busy, trying to catch multiple birds at the same time. Therefore, I will have to decrease the time I surf the internet. My visits to this site will decrease as well, although not much. I will still be trying to keep the balance. My schedule will be like this; On Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays; 3 hours for German class + about 4 hours for college and transition. This is 6 hours already. I will still need 2 to 3 hours for at-home college catching up, and about 2 hours for German. That's 10 hours. So, there will be no workout during these days. On Mondays and Wednesdays; there's college but no German class. That's 4 + 2 = 6 hours. The rest of the time will be perfect for working out, surfing the internet, journaling, reading, practising more German, etc... On Fridays and Saturdays; there will be more time for relaxation, socialisation, and personal development. Plus, any drawbacks should be fixed there. Of course, meditation is still sacred and it's embedded in every day. The rest will be left for flexibility and accommodation. Minor changes will certainly take place over the days, but this is the main plan. We'll see how it works ??