wesyasz

Never in my life created monsters

Appreciate this one! Really. How do you deal with physical illness and emotional terror then?

I will truly believe when I see someone reaching that without psychedelics.

I won't agree. Sometimes being in this body/form might be way too unpeasant that it's quite understandable why someone want to leave it.

If you would be able to share some of your methods to get into lucid dreaming that would be great!

Remember that death is just your concept. Especially that this is "tragic". He might be in a much better place than you or me. He might just awake. You don't know. The only reason you can call it tragic is because you miss a person, you feel more alone without a person, or because of your fear of your own death.

I feel trapped in this city without a car. I really needed to go to the mountains. To the nature. Like... really. So I even joined facebook groups to join some people for a weekend trip but nothing, no one really made me writing to them and joining. But I found someone who wanted to go to do some climbing in the gym. So we met, climbing was great and by the time she said - I am going with friends to the mountains on Sunday, so if you have nothing to do, you can go with us! I do not know what to do about all this. I feel peoples attention is on me. Anywhere I go I mostly easily get connected with people. Or at least that's how I feel. I have also had very old teeth filling (amalgam) which apparently is toxic. I have 2 of them, probably still from primary school or something like that. I wanted to get it out in some certified place so they to it safely. But I went to my ordinary dentist and apparently I have got a trouble with that teeth! And she just started to working on it, which also included removing of the old amalgam filling... I have had like no choice really, so she just drilled and got this shit out of there... Sometimes it's good to have no choice. I feel ok. Probably should feel some weird feeling straight away if that wasn't a way to do that. Will ask her probably to remove second one. No risk, no fun. Also, yesterday I have had a super micro awakening. I don't know what has contributed to that. Maybe the fact my mind been tired after only couple of hours sleep previous day and then climbing hard, maybe CBD I am using, or maybe book I was reading (Zen of Love) by the time. Most likely all of this has played it's role. While reading that book I simply realized that this book just IS. Nobody has really written it. Though I can probably create the person, even meet him if I would really want it to happen. But it is not the case. That book just is. I am reading it, but it has never been written, but it is written in the same time. I have just had this feeling of stepping back a little and looking at it from different perspective. My mind gave up. I could feel no past, no future. The fact that I am in the present moment and I always AM there. And as I move, scenery change but all of this simply IS in the present moment and I watch it. That everything just IS. The feeling is gone this morning though. But I hope to regain it. "Zen of Love" book is actually a beautiful bridge into there. There was also a simple technique about how to get into love state, about how to dissolve what is untrue so only Truth is left. It was as simple as dropping your armor, imagining somebody/something you love, a broken heart or your bad feelings about yourself, unworthiness or any thought you believed and was holding you back and just loving it. So I have brought the warmest and most beautiful image of my ex beloved and all the pain associated with loosing the relationship we've had. I put myself in that dark feeling I am avoiding to look at, tears were dropping heavily. And then I just loved it with all my being. And it simply dissolved all of this sadness! Like the light dissolving the shadow! I just couldn't feel the sadness any more! My mind has completely surrender and I couldn't stop laughing for at least 15 minutes! Then all the time through the evening my laugh has been coming back. I did yoga session and during that laugh has been jumping out of me in random moments. It was beautiful. I have been just filled with love. Simply loving everyone. Seeing through the illusion... I still am. But there is some resistance back now. Some level of illusion is back. But I will work on it. Even though my ego is trying to lead. I have had health problems by the end of last and beginning of this year. I have had a lot of "medicines" left, like antibiotics and other stuff. I have joined the group to give them for free. And then the guy has written to me. We have set it up, but then we have started talking. And I could see the root of his health problems. He simply was elsewhere. I have opened to him so much I could feel the love between me and him even though we were only speaking online. I felt huge gratitued and happiness of the fact that I was able to meet someone like him. He told me a story of how he all life was trying to discover what ELSE we are. Researching very old informations about universe and how we are just an image made of universe. He told me the story about his day just from before he got sick. He said he felt one with the universe, he was talking with the universe and he know that the universe can hear him. And next morning he have got heart attack... And then he believed he is sick. He believed he has got Lyme disease, even though he never had a tick in his life. He said I am the first person he is telling the story about the fact that he can SEE energy. He can see colors of the wind. He can see colors of the music, even of the words I have been typing to him. All his life when he looked at his body he didn't know who's it is. He felt oneness with everything. He was crying with the tree watching tree dying. He said he can hear some sort of "water drop sound" any time something or someone leaves this place. He said he once was on Emergency in hospital and that was a torture for him because water was dropping all the time! I think he actually has healing abilities. He told me a story of the woman who he helped just by holding her in his arms and his dog that somehow he helped. YET, I am the first person that told him he just have this amazing abilities! He actually believed psychiatrist and other people that told him there is something wrong with him! I am extremally grateful of meeting him. I felt connected within second because we were speaking from the place of turth, from the place of love. My body refuses now also anything that is "wrong". It doesn't want to deal with anything that has any negativity within it. I can only be true and positive, otherwise I suffer a lot. I went to the post office to actually send these antibiotics to him and one more person. I bought an envelope. I dropped that in. But I couldn't send it. My intuition told me to don't do that! I have actually felt panicked about being so dissociated... one part of me wanted to send it, the other resisted that with full force. One was saying it's okay, but the other was saying: IT'S ILLEGAL. You can get in trouble. You can easily feel what's inside envelope. If they check - you, or the other person will be IN TROUBLE. Also, why are you actually doing this if you do not believe that these medicines can actually truly help people? I didn't send it. And that guy have told me that it's good I have never sent it to him. He believed me that root of his illness is elsewhere. Does it give me responsibility if I am wrong? Life is really interesting. But there are also downs. With every high, sometimes I wake up in the morning with feeling hopeless. Like, utterly hopeless. Alone, with no understanding of any other being. Life seems pointless, meaningless. I really feel locked in here and want to escape. Suicidal thoughts are coming. But, so far I can deal with it. It isn't that often so I find ways to deal with it. Just believe it's just important part of awakening to the truth.

Just CBD oil. I have been smoking before so I know when I'm high.

I have started using it a few days ago. First impressions... I do not feel much. I mean... in general. I feel like I have not much feelings. Not getting emotional about anything. Which is good in a way, but not so sure. I feel a bit dumb though. Feel like my memory doesn't work properly too, I was trying to remind myself name of my employer from couple of years ago which I worked for 3 years and couldn't get it... So I don't know. Definitely has side effects. Don't feel it's so great.

Yeah I have been fighting with myself for about couple of weeks now to buy or not yoga mat for myself, because the place I am staying at is just temporary. I really felt like doing yoga but didn't felt like buying s mat and it annoyed me. I have done my washing and I have asked the owner of the house where can I hang it. He took me to the attic which is always empty and guess what was rolled out in the middle of the attic just waiting to be used? ... Beautiful yoga mat. Don't even know who's it might be as the owner definitely is not s yogic person and nobody else really lives here now. I have also run out of my mobile data in the phone yesterday. And today I have received a message in the morning on my other (this country) SIM card to download their app and play some funny game to receive free data...... Am I actually blessed or what is this all about?

How interesting life is. What is there about number 11? I even started thinking that I am obsessed with numerology and making things up, but then it's too much to be coincidence. Me and my ex wife been born in November which is eleventh month. Her sister who became a lot like my own sister was 11 years younger. I was 22 when we met, which is double of 11. We first met on 11.05.08.......05.11.19 was when we met last, 11 years later. I just cannot believe looking at these numbers. I am 33 now, which is also triple of 11. Apparently, chapter has came to an end.

So I have missed leaving Scotland actually. I truly feel connection to there. I have rent a room in a house in the city. Design of bedding i find? Sheeps. And a mug coaster from Paisley, Glasgow. Such a coincidence.

Thank you modmyth! I did get that coffee Yes, content has changed as I have disconnected from myself after car crash and consequences of it. But! I am getting back on track, I hope. I am collecting myself but it does take time. I have just done Reiki 2nd grade course, and yesterday right at the start I looked at the clock on the wall and it hasn't been changed for the winter time and it has been showing 11:11 at this very moment, even though it was 10:11 in "real" time. Today was the second day and we were just about doing meditation right before initiation and the guy next to me took his phone out to look at it and it's been 11:11 again. After initiation I felt great, people were even asking what happened that I am looking so blissful. I did felt full of love and happiness indeed. Yesterday I went to a gong bath, tibetan bowls, handpan and other instruments concert full of love and positive vibration. Somehow at night I couldn't sleep so I took my phone to turn on some random positive videoclip on YouTube and in a minute I found myself watching TEDx talk about how sounds can change your vibration and how significant it is. I don't even know how I found myself watching this video as I haven't been even looking for anything like that. Also, people doing the concert they Knew. They knew we are light, not this illusion. It's been beautiful place to be, felt home again for an hour and a half and not alone at there this time. I went there with a girl I met and I was planning to go to my favourite tea room after. I asked her if she wants to go out after and she said that going for some sort of TEA would be amazing... and I didn't know her preferences neither she knew mine before. We actually couldn't stop talking and we have so, so much in common that is unbelievable and to me it is pretty obvious it's again no coincidence we met. Even if we won't get very close I can already feel I have a friend in her which is something I do need in this city right now.

So I made a decision to have a coffee this morning, otherwise I couldn't deal with challenges of this day. I was going to the city centre by bus thinking how most people need this hit in the morning to keep going. I took my phone out of my pocket, switched on Famous social media app and first thing that has showed up was image with writing on it "WHERE IS MY COFFEE?!".

My main concern is lowering my consciousness by CBD.

I am not looking for raising. I have extremelly stressful period of life and I want to calm down my nervous system because I shake internally and I am in panic mode but need to think straight to not loose ground completely. I am just wondering if CBD is actually a good or bad move.

So, yesterday I did mushrooms for the first time. 5g of them. That was the most beautiful and most horrific thing that ever happened to me. I have felt a rush of love and energy through my body to my third eye. But then I have felt like something has been entering my body through there. Different spirits. I've been pushed to the wall unable to move. Until it have got there and I have been transcendent to a different dimension where I could see the world with different eyes. I did felt possessed. My hands felt devilish. And then it started getting deeper. I don't even remember that much now, but I forgot who I was, I forgot my name, I forgot this reality. I was crying, I was laughing, I was screaming, I felt being Om. I felt weightless, I have watched my body dissolving into everything. I became god. I couldn't believe how is that possible I have ever believed that there was such a thing as death. I was HOME. I realized I have always been longing it, so is every being which I am. I understood what it means to be prisoner to this body. I understood everything. I couldn't believe how is this possible I have ever forgot that. I have understood that every single thing in my life has been pointing to that. Been preparing me for this. And then I have experienced my nearly own death. I have had a choice of falling asleep for infinity. And everyone who pointed me towards this direction been there with me, but in the same time I understood what it means to be there on your own. For eternity. I was dancer dancing it's dance alone forever. I was singer longing home forever. It never was me. It never was her. It never happened. I have had a choice to "die" and become "asleep" for eternity, but it felt so lonesome, even though this feeling was divine. I understood that dying is a choice of forgetting idea of this lifetime and moving to another one. But there was so much sadness of letting this go and attachment to this that I have decided to stay, even though I felt I could become anyone I want. In the same time I've realized that who I am is exactly who I want to imagine me to be. Then I felt I have to recreate this reality. But I've been locked in eternity of suffering. I have been in this very room I am right now, but I couldn't do anything. Time has stopped. I have been locked in one minute for a hundreds of years. Alone. With no escape. I knew that this reality is made out of love and all there is is love. So I have been trying to look for mantras, but my mind was non-existent. All I could make myself say was "I love you". I slowly made it through back to here. First thing I have noticed was my breath. My attachment to this life was my wife who I was unable to let go memory of. Even though I knew it will free me. Funny thing is our paths are just splitting. I am still collecting myself. I know I am all of you. And I love you all. But in the same time, I feel the most lonely person on this planet. Is this what awakening is? I wish I could unsee it...

Thailand has really clean and good accommodation and a lot to choose from for $10. Do not book in advance though, prices for places online are much higher than if you look once you are there. Just stay away from tourist spots.

So I am going to India. I do not know why to be completely honest. But feel guided there. Want to go to Satsangs. Today though I did have some doubts arising in me. I am just watching "Scream of the ants". I have watched it couple of times before in my life, but felt I am going to understand this movie better this time. I have just switched it on and the first scene goes like that: - So, what brings you to India, what's your interest? - We are looking for some special man...? - Special man? We are all special in India. What kind of special man you are looking for? - This man is called complete man, or... perfect man - I'm a complete man, don't you think so? - Of course... I believe... - What does he do, who is the special man? - He does some kind of miracles... with people lives... - You know, most foreigners who come to India... are stupid. Because... you come chasing all the wrong things. What is a miracle according to you? - What is a miracle acording to you? - I don't believe in miracles, I believe in reality. Everything like that is a miracle. This heat is miracle, life is a miracle. What is a miracle according to you? - What is a miracle acording to you? - Oh, I can give you a long list. You are a miracle. You are very beautiful. - That kind of miracle... - You are a miracle. Your smile is a miracle. So beautiful. Your husband fighting with you in a non-violent country is a miracle. Tourist come to India is a miracle. What do you think? - Yes, but this guy does something special with people lives... our meditation teacher advice us to meet him. We came to India for that, my husband and I.

I've had realization how important looking into other people eyes is for me. Then I stare into my own eyes in the mirror. Which leads me to watch "I origins". And the movie gives me important message. Also, I was recently thinking about "The OA" which I have watched couple of years ago, more about moves they've been practicing in it. SUCH an accident that main character from "The OA" also play in "I origins" I supposedly accidentally find myself watching. Everything leads into something.

I thought that the moment you lose yourself and get into flow is the moment you truly live.

So I am creating this topic to drop the ideas about finding out if other people actually do exist or is it just projection of mind. The thing is - I do have many glimpses about the fact that this reality is not what I thought for my whole life. Many of my thoughts materialized right in front of me in different forms or shapes. Many of them include what other people do or say. Obviously that cannot be proved scientifically, but my internal intuition is strong enough now to verify things for itself without need of validation by other people and I trust it. Still - I can have my realization moments, where I can see things, especially from perspective when I think about it, they seem so obviously "unreal". But in the moment of actual interaction it feels so, so real, that I just simply cannot dismiss it! Very simple things, like giving a hug to someone you really like and feeling this beautiful energy. I can question it all the time, but after that moment the only thing I can ask myself - how something I have just felt could be unreal? My life has turned upside down and someone I'd trust with my life has failed terribly. That was trigger for investigation. How is this real? How is this possible? Is it actually real? Is this person actually real? Because in my intuition that I trust, things that are happening now including this person are actually not possible. Or rather I should say, I wouldn't thought it was possible. And I can think analytically at this very moment and I mostly can in the evenings or at night, but then overnight my state of mind which I often take for granted is usually gone and I wake up in the morning suffering thorough the day. Usually I need to brake a bit, cry over and then I can elevate my state of mind a bit to the point I can think more straight about things. Cacao helps in this occasion today, so I am probably writing too much. This is obviously pretty radical topic, because if others are not real there is no point in creating this topic, neither if others are real, because how could they prove that they actually exist? The only way would be to ask myself and find the answer within. But maybe this reality works even out of what I can think of? Maybe answer to inquiry can come in form of other person even though that person does not really exist? Are people actually real or unreal when they do or say something what I have been exactly thinking of? My point is - any ideas about "checking" if a person is actually real? Some sort of interaction play? Because when I am interacting with other people they seem so extremely real to me that I do not even have an inner desire to think otherwise than they are actually a real beings.

From where I am now, I'd say yes. And as real, "same entity as me" I would define a physical body which has emotions, feelings and thinks for itself.

I have been just trying to improve my health by just drinking water for 5 days. I thought it's gonna help me with anxiety, but it don't feel it made a big difference so far. Maybe digestion/food is not the root of it, or maybe it wasn't enough. Will try dry fasting next time. I did it before but it was totally different circumstances in my life back then. I actually did cycle-touring around Shikoku. It's beautiful. Seen a lot of people walking around, but I wasn't into spirituality back then. What a shame :). You should definitely go! You made me feel wanting to go there now too!

Thank you for this answer! I am on the state that I even take notes of all this weird staff happening in front of me and it's like I "know" that this reality is not what I have thought it is, but in the same like my mind cannot accept it and don't take it. Pulling back to what it knows for so many years, desperately trying to catch something to be back in the "old". Or like it cannot attain enough consciousness to "Know" (capital K) that reality is not what I thought it was. May be the fact that it doesn't know how to behave in this "new" so dismiss it.