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Everything posted by paradiseengineering

  1. Hi Actualizers! I have a bit complicated relationship with weed. it is on and off, but I really love it and when I run out of it i usually feel depressed for a day or so. I just ran out of it and I will not get any more in this year. It always feel like a void for a day when i run out. I am replacing it with meditation and it helps a bit! I am an extrovert and crave social interaction but when high i can just sit by myself all day and make art and music. It puts me into a instant flow state. I can sit and make wonderful music for 12 hours and my head is buzzing with ideas. Being a musician is also part of my income and part of my life purpose and many of my favorite artists smoke. I get hooked on weed because it makes sitting alone and making music all day so much more enjoyable and I get way less distracted when smoking. I also dont feel lonely at all while smoking by myself, but I can easily feel loneliness if im not. Do you have any tips for how to get into this relaxed flow state all day without smoking and getting attached to weed? Thanks for reading
  2. My techno group sampled Leos voice from his Holism & Holistic thinking video (12:59)! Hope this is not off-topic and you actualizers might enjoy it <3
  3. Hi Actualizers! So there is this girl I really like and she really like me too. We have been dating for 3 months and she just came back from a 2 week vacation. She came straight to my place after her vacation and we went really fast to the foreplay. She was really eager and I was too. I got a boner but once I took my pants off it went away. We was cuddeling naked for an hour but the boner was non-existent the whole time. We tried again this morning but I still couldnt get it up. It hasnt been a problem with her before and she is really stunning. I feel really sad now actually and I am a bit nervous to have sex with her again because I am afraid it will happen again. I really like this girl and want to give her as much pleasure and love as I can, and I wonder how I can overcome my fear and disapointment of erectile disfunction. Thanks for reading
  4. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this! It helped me a lot.
  5. I hope this is not completely off-topic, but just I had to share this! From 02:02 you can clearly hear Leo´s Live Enlightemnet Experience from 2018: At 02:58 you can hear the original sound from his video:
  6. Hi there! Im a 26 year old male musician. I have had moderate success with my music, and I do small jobs for people like mixing their music, giving them lessons, making film music, playing shows etc. i earn money on this, but not enough yet to 100% live of. Where i get most of my money is from my rich dad who i never really have any contact with who pay my rent and workin in kidergarten. He has told me he will stop paying my rent this summer and I really wanna quit the kindergarten job and 100% focus on my passion since that job is sucking away all my energy and life force. So I wonder what is the best way to go about this? I really wanna give value to the world doing what I love and earn enough to live, but I also have to pay my rent and eat. What is a good strategy in this situation? Thanks for reading
  7. Hi there! I am trying my best every day to make it as a music producer/ artist. I feel like its hard to be completely satisfied with myself if I don´t have a big following and im not making a big impact on people with my music. At the peak of my following 2 years ago I had 12.000 monthly listeners on Spotify, now it is down to 3000. This bums me out and my recent music hasn´t been streaming so well. Using social media like Instagram is a big part of promoting myself, but always seeking validation is so draining and stresses me out. I just turned 26 and I feel my time is running out. Im working HARD but this is a field that depends on your creativity. The reason I make music is because its the most fun thing in the world and I want to give wonderful euphoric feelings to people trough it. Music has given me so much and I feel it is my duty to give back. I wonder if anyone can relate or have any advice on how I can make it doing what I love, without totally messing up my mental health? Thanks for reading
  8. The comedown (from after the peak) is my favorite part of mushrooms! Also the next day after a heavy trip i feel very zen and calm, but sometimes a bit sad, but in a weirdly beautiful way.
  9. Thanks for sharing your experience! This totally makes sense. If you are constantly craving it, there is some underlying discomfort you want to eleviate. Congrats to you of getting out of theese habbits that where not serving you! Im working to be able to completely surrender, in a time that can be quite boring (being an extrovert and a musician in covid times). I will most likely have a better relationship with it after this months break when i work some stuff out.
  10. Hi there Actualizers! I have been smoking pot for 7 years on and off. From the first time i tried it i freaking LOVED it! I am on a month break now and im craving it quite often. Before this I had a rule with a friend that I only can smoke max 3 times a week and only in the evening. This turned out that i ALWAYS smoked 3 times a week and quite a lot every time. I also found my mind looking forward to next time I could smoke. I wasn´t looking forward to the non-smoking days as much as the smoking days and it made me be less present (also seems to mess with my brain reward system to an extent). The ideal would be to be able to have weed available for special occations without smoking and feeling that I have to smoke it so often. To just be able to let go and not feel like i want it so bad. Is there any ex-stoners out there who was able to have a healthy relationship with the plant without having any strong rules for themself? If so how did you do it?
  11. Hi! I make music and it has started to give me an income. I care about expressing myself 100% and just make the best music i can. When my mother hears my lyrics she gets worried that they are about partying and drugs/ drinking. She calls me and says that I have a responsibility to not give off the wrong signals to my younger cusins. It makes me upset and I tell her I have to make what music i like and not overthink how everyone would interpret it. I really wanna be open with her that i sometimes do weed and psychedelics. She found out that i smoked 6 years ago and she got so scared that she stopped eating and sleeping for several days. It was a really painful process for me and her and It still gives me a bit of trauma. She is very religious and she is my only close family member. I feel I am living sort of a double life and it makes me uncomfortable talking to her. It hurts me for example that i cant tell her i DJed at a rave, because she would get extremely scared. I know radical honesty is the answer, but there is also a time and place to do it. I wonder if anybody can relate and have any advice, because this has been hurting me for many years. Thanks for reading
  12. Hi there! I have been microdosing with mostly mushrooms for a while now. When I take a microdose (0.2g) I feel more clear headed, more emotionally connected and get more creativity. Its a very smal subtle boost, and i feel pretty much completely sober while being on it. I have mentioned microdosing to most of my friends that do psychedelics and they dont care if I do it. One of my roomates have never tripped and he is one of my best friends He knows that I trip sometimes (and he is OK with it), but I have never told him that I microdose. Sometimes when I microdose I get this guilty feeling that im ingesting "drugs" and that im not completely open about it to my roomate ablout it. I have often thought about telling him, but it just feels so akward to do. He is really open-minded, and most likely I think he would be cool with it, but I also have a fear that it might make him a bit worried or uncomfortable since he have never tried psycedelics or wants to try it himself. I need some advice here! I want to follow my values to be honest and open, but I also dont want to make him uncomfortable or worried. What do you think is the right thing to do?
  13. I know right! I take a lot of suppliments and I dont tell people this either. But I get this nagging feeling that im somehow dishonest. Seems like I should stop thinking so much haha
  14. Hi! I am a 25 year old male raised as the only child of a single mother. Our relationship seriously messes up my well being. We talk on the phone 2 times a week and after every conversation i feel so drained and anxious. We are very different personalities and she is constantly worrying about me. She is constantly asking me to come home and to see her more. She pretty much never had a boyfriend since i was born and she has almost no friends. She says that I am everything to her and our phone conversations is the peek moments in her week, wich makes me feel really bad and pressured since I am then responsable for her well being. I want to have a good relationship with her as an adult and I want to set boundaries. Telling her to let go of the mother role seems too abstract and hard for her since it´s basically her identity. What is the best way to go about this? Thanks for reading
  15. Thank you so much for this post! I agree 100% with you.
  16. Thanks! Yeah I have thought about that! I am a very empatic person and doing this seems so difficult for me tho. At first at least I want to set clear boundaries and tell her more honestly how I feel. Im sure she wants to change her attitude in order for me to not completely dissapear. It might be easier said than done tho, its hard to change theese patterns if you lack the self-awareness, but I still want to give her a chance or ultimatum.
  17. 25 y/o male here. In the last years I have gone from being super insecure with no experience, to now sleeping with quite a lot different girls. I recently started sleeping with a girl who have ben my crush for a year. Its very clear that she like me a lot. We have had amazing sex, but one problem I face with her and several girls I have dated, is that I often struggle getting turned on sexually. Since I was a little kid I have had pretty strong sexual fetishes. They are pretty harmless things like piercings and weird makeup/ hair. The problem is that I have spendt 10+ years masturbating to theese fetishes, and they are sort of imprinted in my brain now. This girl im dating now is so beautiful and sexy and is hands down the prettiest girl I have dated. She looks very natural tho (triggers none of my fetishes), and this makes getting a boner not as easy for me, even if I feel so turned on emotionally. I have dated 3 other girls in 2020 and all theese had pretty wild styles (piercings, crazy hair etc) and getting an erection with theese girls is very easy for me since beside the sex, they also fulfill some kind of fetish. Its not that i dont get turned on by the natural female body, the erections are just so much weaker. I have only mentioned this to a few people in my life. This can clearly be a challenge for my sex life and I am posting this to get some advice on what to do. I dont mind having fetishes, but I dont want to rely on them to get boners with girls I find super attractive. Thanks for reading
  18. Thats a good idea, thank you.
  19. Thanks! Can you explain what you mean by: "I would go with whatever is the most painful to give up/bring yourself to."
  20. Thanks for your comment! The post was originally posted on Reddit, but I forgot to remove that part. As a kid I had a upbringing where looking alternative and edgy was very looked down upon from my parents and community. I never felt like I could express and be myself as a kid. Seeing pictures of on the internet of edgy looking girls on the internet with many piercings and tattoos seemed like something that was so unacceptable and forbidden in my culture. The shock of seeing these "shocking" things as a kid also releases dopamine, wich made me go back to it over and over. I masturbate about once a week with no visual stimulation other than my imagination.
  21. Hi! Im currently working on a folder with Spotify playlists for every stage in the spiral. It would be nice with some input and examples, just write the artist and song title and stage. You can distinguish it in Lyric / artist / Instrumental / marketing / culture. You have to look at it according to what the music is about, how complex it is, how it is connected in culture when it came out, whether it is mass produced etc. Also take into account what stage the musicians themselves are in. I will post the playlists when they are done. Thanks for reading
  22. Thanks! The eminem examples where intersting! Added Music Box to the red list. I think IDM artists like Flying Lotus, and Aphex Twin would be yellow. Also Bjork
  23. Can anyone recomend me music and art from this stage?
  24. Can anyone reccomend me some stage Yellow music and art? Is there any?
  25. Hi there, hope you have a wonderful day. 24 y/o male from Norway here. For the last month, I have been feeling very ambivalent about a decision and it is very emotionally draining. I have been living in a smaller city called Trondheim for 3 years, where I now finished my bachelor in musicology. I have the option of going there another year, and then i will have a bachelor in music technology also. This will qualify me for having the option to apply for a masters in music technology in Oslo. The catch is that Trondheim is really small and I feel like the same things are happening all the time. There is not much more to gain for me as a musician here (beside a school degree). The other option is just to move to Oslo now. I have a place to stay here, but i know very few people and i have no idea on what to do, beside getting a job. There is a lot of new stuff to potentially explore here, and people that are making a living of music (which is my dream). I have some success with my music, but I dont make a lot of money from it yet. My biggest dream is to make a living of creative projects, and I dont see how a degree would get me there. Education is free in Norway, and it will give me a lot of time to do music, even if I live in a place that isnt filled with so many other opportunities. On the other side, I dont see how having a bachelor/ masters in music technology would get me a job in such a field. I feel this constant pressure to do something big with my life, and im also getting older. I know its a decision i have to make for myself, but I would like to hear a non-biased view from people that arent friends/ family. Thanks for reading.