Dlavjr

I've been single for over a year, and I have not had sex since then. It hasn't been troublesome, I really don't mind it, but I obviously still crave sexual intimacy. The problem is, I'm extremely closed off. I have female friends and I love them deeply, I talk to them all the time with zero issue, and it's entirely platonic. I've tried making dating accounts but I immediately lose interest in talking to every girl that I match with, if it's not right away it's a few messages in. Even if the conversation is going great, once it ends I practically forget that they exist. I have zero issue with talking to women in person, I've encountered a small handful of girls in my time being single that were clearly sending signals, and even if I was slightly interested, I immediately think to myself "why would I bother asking this girl on a date, I have so much that I should be doing instead" and I ultimately push them away. It seems at surface level that I'm just completely uninterested in intimacy or romance, but I assure you I end up thinking of myself as an idiot during the times that I genuinely am alone and start to crave the intimacy again. I get lonely, I put myself out there, the loneliness fades, and I lose interest. Am I an asshole? Do I have a fear of commitment? Or am I just bad at facing loneliness? I feel like I'm always bouncing back and forth between both ends of the spectrum and I don't know what it is I authentically want for myself and what I force myself to want. It's such a trivial problem and it's distracting me from the things I prioritize.

When I say "sucking me dry" I mean distracting me from my purpose. I just have a preconceived notion, based on prior experience, that more often than not trivial things such as a relationship or even pursuing sex takes you out of your purpose. I'm very young, so at this point in time I want as much of my efforts to be centered in purpose as possible so that I'm situated on a path. Current events do not affect me at all. The Way of the Superior Man is a phenomenal book, I've read it and own it. In fact, that book helped me visualize what I should value in a relationship and how relationships can potentially accelerate and inspire actualization. My issue is that in order to acquire that type of relationship, one has to find a partner with equal values. In other words, somebody that is on the same spiral stage as you are. I'd consider myself to primarily be green phasing into yellow, and most of the women I come in contact with are at the highest a low stage green, where they are still consumed by the materialistic paradigm, and often times they project that unto me. I've met many women whom are dissatisfied with my way of life because my goals don't align with theirs and that bothers them. My only issue with Deida's otherwise flawless insights is that it's very focused on the masculine perspective and not necessarily what a man should expect from the feminine, which is equally important. My issue is not lack of contact with women, or lack of opportunity to get laid. I have plenty of opportunity. I'm a confident, decently attractive male with at the very least a goal in life and a desire to reach my potential. My problem is that I have a hard time allowing women into my life romantically. I love women, I love people, all people have a purpose, but I consider myself separate from that purpose and whenever I think about sex or intimacy, while my body physically craves it, I have this strong belief that it's a useless endeavor and merely a distraction from my purpose. Maybe I'm delusional, maybe I'm right, but the last thing I want to do is create an unnecessary barrier between myself and what could possibly benefit me. I often jump between my egoic desires and my deep, spiritual desires and at this point I'm unsure of what things are actual needs of mine and what things I want because of outside influence and deep insecurity. Perhaps that's my fault for having lack of attention to detail in myself. Perhaps I don't understand myself as much as I'd like to admit. I overthink things when I hit a wall. You're right, nonstop challenges arise on the journey for purpose. I decide to chase purpose alone because I feel it is best that I do so as it allows me to make decisions based on what I feel as opposed to what others feel. Maybe there is benefit to having a balance between that and outside influence, I really don't know, however please understand that this is not a concern of whether or not I CAN meet and develop intimacy with women, rather whether or not I SHOULD, and if I genuinely desire it or if it's my lower self looking for a quick dose of temporary "purpose" in the form of affection and sex. In addition to that, what does one do about overthinking? How do I know what is the deep, unconditional truth and what are the things I want in the moment based on the circumstances? I fear that I will let go and allow myself into a relationship only to find that it's not what I want and I've then placed myself into a situation in which I'm distracted by a trivial problem that distracts me from my higher purpose. I know so many people who have dug holes for themselves and completely smothered their potential. I want to have relationships and sex because I am a man, I want to pursue purpose because I am aware of my potential and want to maximize my quality of life and spread my gifts unto the world. I don't want one to conflict the other.

So I've been looking into nofap recently. I've never really been a porn addict, I've never really been a chronic masturbator, but there's so much contradictory information online depending on where you look. I know nofap has been discussed to no end, but I'm gonna go ahead and stir the pot again. I've always found masturbation to be a relatively good thing in moderation, like anything else. Porn, in even more moderation, I'd argue isn't a bad thing per say. However, what the nofap community seems to push in it's efforts to end masturbation is that the concept of beating off is, altogether, detrimental to your mental health. As somebody who jerks off maybe a couple times a week, it seems to me that a lot of the information given about the "dangers" of masturbation comes from the perspective of those who have an addiction. Maybe I'm not well enough educated on testosterone and sexual energy, maybe I'm more attached to masturbation than I thought. I've gone one whole week without masturbating, not really intentionally, more so that I haven't felt the urge cross my mind. At least not at opportune times. Those of you who vouch for nofap, what can you say that it'd do for me if I was to continue my streak? Also, are there benefits to abstaining from porn but continuing to masturbate as a means of connection with oneself, aka masturbating without any kind of pornography or mental images, and how might the potential results of both differ?

I'd like to partially revive this thread to ask one question, as I didn't really think it was a question worthy of it's own separate thread. Where do sex toys land in terms of "masturbation being bad"? My understanding is that the reason why jerking off is bad, or one of, is that your brain will switch over into believing that porn/masturbation is what sex is, and it can lead to premature ejaculation. I can certainly see this being true for those who masturbate excessively. However sex toys have developed to be pretty lifelike, for men and women alike. In terms of how it psychologically affects you, how might a sex toy differ from just jerking off? Is there any difference? Note: I've never used a sex toy in my life, at least not in terms of the masturbatory ones like fleshlights etc. Strange question, I know, but it got me to contemplate.

I definitely feel like it's more beneficial to me than anything that I am EXTREMELY picky. I'm young, and I live in a very poor city and state in the US, so I've yet to meet any woman in person that matches any of my ideals. I see so many intelligent, focused and driven women online and even on this forum and I wonder where the hell these women are hiding ?. I'm not surrounded by very good choices, most women here in my experience just suck you dry, are super materialistic, and have no motivation. I've pulled myself out of the cultural black hole that is my hometown, and once I get a grip on my life purpose and get myself situated I plan to leave this city. My values and my purpose don't flourish here, and my biggest fear in terms of a relationship are that I will lose sight of my goals and "settle". My last relationship was the very definition of wearing rose colored lenses, and I threw away years that I could have been focusing on my own purpose, to align with what she wanted. I understand that's my fault, I also understand that relationships do require compromise, but I also see that nobody here is driven enough to follow me on my path, which is why I walk it alone. Leo, my friend, you weren't kidding when you said that this path was a lonely one.

Thank you all for your replies, you've all given me a lot to contemplate. Know that if I don't respond, it's just because I have no further questions and I'm trying to integrate ideas. That being said, after some time digging deep within myself, and being honest with myself, I believe there are a lot of negative emotions within me towards relationships that stem from previous bad experiences that I've unknowingly held on to. Perhaps I push away the idea of relationships because I feel like I don't need them. Not to mention, my father always instilled the idea in my head that marriage was a terrible idea and to stay single, obviously projecting all of his negativity onto me. Being that I have a lot of deep, uncovered personal biases and ideologies and, for lack of a better term, "trauma" (I say this because trauma is kind of exaggerating), what should I do about digging these things up, facing them, and overcoming them, so that I feel less resistance? I've come to realize that I'm not a person that prefers to hit on women and attempt to create something, rather I'm very focused on my purpose and trying to reach my full potential and I'm very adamant on that remaining my priority. However I don't want to continue to push every potential relationship away out of fear that it will prohibit me from doing so.

I like your optimism. I find that I often second guess myself out of fear. Is there any chance you might have some tips for someone like me who gets anxious at the thought of pushing myself to reach full potential?

See the problem I run into is none of the things I'm passionate about have good odds of making a living from. Perhaps if I put all my focus into one I can make a living, but I'd hate to waste potential with the others. I've been considering getting deep into entrepreneurship and seeing if I can utilize that to fund my passions, or even turn my passions into a business, but I'm just unsure of where to start. My biggest issue here is that I want to go back to school for one thing, most likely music, and put all my efforts into mastery, but the question that arises for me is will it be worth the money, or am I better off working twice as hard and not going to school?

I don't wanna be the guy to tell musicians they shouldn't be chugging 6 packs, I'm pretty small I'd get my ass kicked

I looked into the attachment styles and "avoidant-dismissive" definitely resonates with me a lot. I however cannot afford therapy so I kinda have to find a way to fix it on my own, if/when I try fixing it.

My diet is pretty good, I'm doing keto diet now but I cut sugar wheat and dairy out a long time ago. I've always gone to the gym, with coronavirus I've been trying to keep up by doing home workouts and going for jogs. I meditate often and have more books than I really even have time for. Porn I watch very very rarely but I should cut it completely. My priorities are currently going back to school, pursuing music and fitness/health. I understand where you're coming from but I feel like I'm either not addressing something in myself or I'm overthinking it and I just don't desire intimacy but feel like I should.

That's kind of what I'm dealing with, I only really want these things when it's convenient, but I just don't have any desire to pursue them because it just feels shallow and unfulfilling to me. Whenever the idea of a relationship creeps into my mind it sounds like a good idea but only certain aspects of it, when I see the whole picture I realize I don't need it. Same with sex, same with intimacy. My concern is, am I just suppressing something and not realizing it? Is there a purpose to sex and intimacy once you pass a certain point in the journey to self actualization? Or is it just a low quality desire? I'm just really having trouble differentiating the "higher and lower" self, what do I desire to feed my ego and what is a true, deep desire for myself?

How do I know the difference between a deep desire for something that I'm afraid to fulfill, and a craving that means nothing? How can I tell if I want a relationship because it's just a thought that popped into my head that I'm identifying with, or if it's genuinely what I want? If we're talking what I want, I want to have a clear life purpose and I want to be working on that all the time. A relationship is a side thing. I want it, but unless something magically comes my way I don't see myself getting it, pursuing a relationship feels like time that I could be spending working on myself instead. I have a hard time feeling the purpose for a relationship outside of sex and intimacy, I just kinda want the highlights of a relationship I don't want to have to deal with somebody all the time every day for the rest of my life or anything. I fear that if I get too involved with somebody, they're gonna pull my focus away from the things that matter most to me.

For the past year I've been putting full focus on getting in the best physical shape that I possibly can and trying to figure out my life purpose so I can pursue it. I've been 100% focused on my own personal journey. I think the issue here is that I get horny or lonely for a second and I believe that I need to satisfy that, but it fades. Or maybe there's an underlying insecurity that never left me from my last relationship ending the way that it did? I don't know. I'm talking to a few girls now but I kinda force myself to respond in hopes that maybe I'll become interested in time. I'm wondering if maybe my issue is that I'm assuming things are going to click right away, when I know damn well that they won't. I have a big problem with overanalyzing women, I think of every possible way that they might be bad for me and if there's any way I think that they might fuck something up I don't bother. I'm a massive overthinker and I prefer to spend a lot of time secluded, I'm pretty private and it takes a lot for me to open up to somebody being in my life like that. I've dated two women and I knew both of them for half a year before we even started flirting. As far as my sexuality goes, I'm not really curious and I'm not asexual but my libido is very very low. I hardly jerk off, but I do enjoy porn occasionally. I only really think about sex when it's happening, I don't spend a lot of time fantasizing because it feels like a waste of time. My ex and I used to fuck a lot, she was an extremely horny girl and one of the reasons why the relationship started falling apart is that I just got sick of having sex so much, it felt routine and I was going 5 rounds in a row some days. This is a lot of information and I know that but I'm hoping it'll make my situation a little clearer. It seems like everybody is confused here on my situation.

Also I'd like to add that I have talked sexually with one girl multiple times but then when she wants to hang out with me I simply don't feel like making the time for her.

It's definitely not a need, I can say that much. I'm not even sure where it's coming from, it's possible that it might be just a social thing, as in like I feel weird being happy single and not having sex because it's not the norm. Most of my friends are sexually active both in and out of relationships so maybe being the outlier just gives me some strange anxiety.

I want sex, and I want to be romantically interested, but I'm inconsistent with my interest in those things. I'm the same way with friends, sometimes I want to hangout and talk and go out, sometimes I go a month without really speaking to anybody. When it comes to new people, it's worse, because I'll be interested in pursuing somebody with sexual interest and I end up losing interest within a day, sometimes immediately. It's like I pursue somebody and as soon as they give me any kind of interest back I get bored and ignore them.

Also those of you that left replies regarding the more spiritual aspect of this, as in "thoughts aren't you, the mind is too inconsistent to be taken super seriously, listen to feeling over thought" I want to acknowledge that that's something I do recognize in myself but it almost makes it more of a mindfuck, because what "I" want changes based on how I feel, and then I try to contemplate it, and I just get caught in this web of "I don't know what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking". I have a hard time integrating my spiritual understanding into my life, I'm good at controlling my emotions but in the sense of "what is it that I want" it becomes difficult, because I can't "feel" what I want unless I'm doing it, and in the case of a relationship I can't just "be" in a relationship to see if that's what I want. Just imagining it isn't enough for me, I'm very engaged in what's happening in the present moment so using my imagination is almost useless because the results change depending on an infinite amount of factors.

I crave feminine polarity, I do want a relationship but then what happens is I begin to think "but I need to save my money right now so I can't afford dates" "I'm trying to be sober right now and most of these girls just want to get stoned and drunk" "I don't feel like sitting around and watching Netflix all day and wasting my time" "I don't want to feel pressured to talk to a girl 24/7". I'm starting to see just by talking about it that I might have just had really shitty relationship experiences and now I'm assuming that all girls are like that. Also the only girls that are interested in me are girls that know me as the "party" guy I used to be rather than the person I'm trying to be.

I feel like I have access to all forms of intimacy except for romantic/sexual intimacy. I'm a pretty social guy, I've practiced a lot of social techniques to help make the connections that I make with people better. I'm also a musician, so a large part of what I spend my time doing is pouring my emotions out into music, whether it's by listening to it or playing it. Just yesterday I had a conversation with a random guy while I was walking my dog and we just talked about dogs, it was nice. I feel like I want that deep connection that I can only get from the polarity that comes from femininity. I'm not super confident but I'm not at all insecure. I think the only place that fear might stem from is, in my last relationship, I allowed my ex to pull me away from focusing on my life purpose. She sucked up a lot of my time and money and while that might have been my fault for ultimately letting go and focusing on her, it left that fear behind. I worry that if I get close to another girl that I'll lose sight of what my focuses are, and I'd rather put all of my energy into myself than try and split my attention and half ass it.

It starts off pretty torturous to exercise but as your body strengthens and you get used to it you start to enjoy it. Whenever I make progress it feels so extremely rewarding that eventually I started to associate the pains of exercise with making progress. Kinda like if you're on a diet, you learn how to not feel full and to let yourself get hungry before actually eating more, and eventually you associate an empty stomach with losing weight (which obviously that's different from straight starving yourself)

I wouldn't go as far as to say it's crucial but it's immensely beneficial. The connections you make with people become much deeper and it really improves you as a person. I'm an open book, I'll talk to anybody about anything, right now I work in retail and it makes my job much easier to tolerate when I can make conversation with just about anybody. People tend to trust you more if you're personable. Having good charisma gives you an extra edge because people are more inclined to talk to you and help you out. I used to be pretty closed off and uncomfortable with being personable and because of that I kinda stayed in the background and I had to work harder to get what I wanted. Being more open and personal with people and getting more involved has made things so much easier because I've become more likeable, people don't just glaze over me and I tend to get more support and help from people. I'd definitely say it's worth working on. If you can improve how you go through life and make things easier, why wouldn't you? Fear of intimacy is often times a fear of getting hurt, but the key is understanding that intimacy and dependency/attachment are not the same. You can be open and personable with people and still be confident and grounded in yourself. That's what life purpose does for you really, nothing else matters besides your purpose. But you'd be surprised how far good social skills can get you in life. Again, I wouldn't say it's crucial or necessary for pursuing your life purpose, but the rewards of intimacy I'd say make a huge improvement in your life.

The Way of the Superior Man talks about semen retention a bit and gives a good amount of tips for remaining level-minded during sex, the whole book kind of builds up to that concept because obviously if you want to be focused and confident during sex as a man you have to understand what masculinity is, your relationship to it, and what femininity means to you as a man. You can easily look up stuff online or even on this forum about semen retention and techniques for lasting longer but to understand the foundation of who you are and the root cause of the issue is far more beneficial imo, it provides more lasting results. I've also heard The Multi-Orgasmic Man is very good but I've yet to read it, that was the other book that kept popping up whenever I'd look into the subject. I have practiced semen retention somewhat inconsistently in the past. I haven't really been sexually active recently because I've been more focused on other things, and during my last relationship I was not nearly as deep into spirituality as I am now, however even the minor techniques I used helped immensely. It's not complicated, really. A lot of flexing the pelvic muscles and breath work. Your boyfriend is lucky that he has somebody as understanding and willing to help him improve as you seem to be. With your support he'll go a long way I'm sure, given that you're allowing him the opportunity to practice and improve. If I can give some basic tips for now, I'd say he needs to focus on meditation and breathing, as well as self esteem. Even without practicing any semen retention or tantra or whatever, just getting a strong sense of masculinity and getting in tune with that will build his confidence immensely. It's good to practice all the sexual techniques and everything, they definitely make a difference, but the root cause is almost always anxiety and self esteem, and the more you both kind of emphasize the sexual aspect the more it's gonna give him stage fright. If you think about not cumming you're gonna cum, he's gotta learn how to focus in on the moment and on you, presence is massively important. Focus on the root causes of the issue and everything that was being affected down that chain will most likely resolve itself.

Have him read The Way of the Superior Man, if he hasn't already. In fact, both of you should read it together. David Deida has some spectacular books on spirituality and sex/relationships. I'd go as far as to say any man serious about personal development should read that book as one of their first. That being said, sex is a big mental game, it becomes a dance when you both connect just right. However, the more he fixates on issues like not lasting or not performing well, the more it'll cause an issue. Practice breathing, semen retention, maintaining a calm state of mind throughout. It's good that you're supportive though and don't put pressure on him to perform. There's nothing to be ashamed about, it's like going to the gym there are a lot of factors that can go into why you might not lift as well as you used to or why you're not getting better or why you can't run as long. You have good days and bad days, slumps, etc. Not sure why there's so much pressure to perform in sex.

It's heartbreaking but it's unfortunately the fate of many women nowadays. I'm not sure if the way that men and women view each other has changed because I'm young so I don't know any different, but I certainly see an increasing lack of respect for either gender in gen Z, and definitely a huge lack of self respect. I know my example is far less troubling for the victim involved but the point is that you can't save everybody, unfortunately there gets to be a point where you've done your part, but you can't really control what their ultimate decision is, and quite honestly it's not your responsibility. At this point the more you try telling her what's right or wrong for her, the more she'll resist and put up walls and you'll lose a friend altogether. All you can really do to help is be there when it goes to shit.