mecca81

@The0Self prayer is anything you do to try to reach God. Since we are here in “our” world and give meaning to anything really. If you think psychedelic does this then it will. If not it won’t.

@Zeroguy if you really feel this way, you shouldn’t be on this forum yet you are. Which means you are curious. Let that curiousness be. Don’t stop it!

Really!

@Leo Gura thank you. I was hoping you’d give me some guidance on how to deal with all this, so very happy to hear from you. ? I just started really appreciating your work and am grateful for you.

This is my 4th and 5th trips. I took 2g APE again for the 4th and went back to that state and it’s not helpful. Wish I learned my lesson from my previous trip. In that state, you are just far too gone to make any kind of sense. I know this is a rambling but it is what it is. Appreciate Leo’s eloquent presentations. He is a true master. Enlightenment is not be all and end all. There are degrees of enlightenment. It’s not just nirvana and it’s NOT SIMPLY THAT AT ALL! It can be. But at that point you don’t exist. It’s precisely because of this that you feel that fucking nirvana. If you are not prepared for it, you feel loneliness and fear. That fucking fear is REAL, it’s worse that any fear I experienced in my life. Because it is the end of “me”. If you want to end everything and feel that nirvana for what it truly is, then you need to prepare to die. I don’t know if that means you physically die but I’m not prepared to try. Psychedelic is fucking genius. It’s an awesome tool that can elevate you to levels of consciousness that you can’t even imagine without years and years of meditation, provided that you use it a right way, and in a right state which may vary But it comes with a caveat. You have to be open minded to a certain degree for it to be a tool. It enhances EVERYTHING YOU ARE. So if you have strong attachment to things it’s not going to be beneficial at all. Loosen your grip first It gives you an ability to look at all things separately. You can look at things and everything that arises within your consciousness without meddling it up with your ego. You can also infinitely enhance that which you’re observing. For instance, you can look at your fear as separate from you. You can also make it so that that’s all that there is within your consciousness. That’s really dangerous. If you are not grounded, then I think you can go nuts. So practice some mindful meditation before you go here. You need to be grounded. Otherwise it can drive you completely nuts. Try Leo’s guided everything. They make so much sense when you go though them in this state. Try Leo’s guided exercise for understanding infinite consciousness. You will literally sense your consciousness making up bubbles and merging everything up it’s a total mindfuck… This state is fundamentally not stable. Because your ego is significantly suppressed. It’s fucking confusing as shit. So if you don’t have certain level of discipline, you are going to be just high which is not helpful. The visuals and all that is distraction. If you want to do any kind of focused self-inquiry, you need to go beyond that while being grounded. That’s very difficult. Practice meditation, practice being grounded and FIND THE RIGHT DOSE. If you listen to Leo while being your usual egoistic self, you will not really appreciate what this man has done. He is the true master. I can’t even imagine the level of control he has over himself to be in this state and make sense of it all. Not only he has the ability to appreciate the experience but he goes way beyond it and actually examined EVERYTHING. This needs extreme discipline because it’s really hard not to get sucked into everything that’s been infinitely enhanced and then mindful enough and disciplined enough to start self inquiry on his own. Not only that he has the linguistic mastery to actually present it to you in a beautiful way. I used to listen to him once in awhile but found him to be too egotistic which actually turns out to be my ego getting in the way and distracting me from actually listening to what he had to says. What he actually says is fucking beautiful! He can be a true guru who can guide you through these inquiries. Use him to your advantage because doing it alone requires a lot of fucking discipline. The teachings that simplify the whole enlightenment into either having it or not having it is WRONG and fucking DANGEROUS. because it’s a fucking rabbit hole. Once you go down the hole there is no turning back. You CANNOT go back to being the previous you. I still don’t know whether I made the right decision because it’s going to be an uphill battle to deal with what I discovered and make sense of it all but it infinitely enhances everything you experience in life and adds so many levels of dimensions that you can appreciate. But it’s fucking overwhelming. It’s really hard on your body because physical body is not equipped to handle this much of anything. But then again it might be because I’m weak and am used to the lower level of consciousness. Maybe you can enhance your physical body to go through this and be okay. I have so much respect for people who have this level of consciousness and do their own self inquiry and eloquently organize their realization and present it to me. It’s fucking HARD! Find the right dose to take. Can’t stress this enough. There is a point of no return where you literally become God and that’s not the level you want to be. Because you are mostly GONE. But because you are not grounded and you still have the fear of losing your self, you will feel that loneliness and fear which is UNBEARABLE and PERMANENT until you figure out how to get over it. I still haven’t been able to do this so it is agonizing… For me that was 2g of APE mushroom. .75g for me gives me just the right state to be grounded and examine things at this enhanced level. You still need to fight off the distractions (e.g. visual effects). So find your own right dose. START SMALL. Do not underestimate the importance of this. I’m right now trying to deal with that fear I felt when I entered God realization. Once you feel it you can’t get rid of it. You have to deal with the fact that nothing exists and it’s just me. People I love and things I enjoy actually do not exist… that all bearing down on you all day long. It’s tough. After my first God realization, some things have changed physically. “Dancing Buddha” for me is now permanent. As soon as I focus on something for more than a few seconds everything starts dancing. Including these letters I’m typing right now. I also have this odd pressure on my forehead that comes on and subsides throughout the day but meditation makes it very strong. Eyes roll up on their own. But I’m not disciplined enough to enter the elevated consciousness on my own. So need more practice. I don’t even know who I’m writing this for anymore because I went too far already. So in a way this is a reminder for me which is already too late unfortunately… I wish I took the lower dose first so I can work on self enquiry more and prepare myself in some way for the ultimate truth. I wish I took the teachings more seriously and prepared myself more. I wish I was more grounded so I can make more sense of all this. But I have to deal with it now. But listening to Leo is really helping me through this tumultuous phase. Thanks…

@Breakingthewall thanks for sharing your thoughts. That makes a lot of sense and I hope to come to similar realization that you’d had along your journey. After reading your posts and having had a few days to reflect on the terrifying and confusing but beautiful experience I had, I think I now have the strength for further exploration and will be taking another journey into the other realm in the next few days, this time hopefully a little more grounded and surrendered as you said so I can focus more on the reality of it rather than mixing it up with the baggages I’m carrying and see if I missed anything the first time due to my panic and what else I can realize. I’ll report back if I have any further insights. Thanks again and have an awesome day!

@Breakingthewall thank you for your reply. I became emotional just to realize that someone had felt the aloneness I felt because it was just too much to bare but I’m happy to hear that there is something better beyond that loneliness. I’m encouraged to keep pushing after hearing your story. So thank you. And yes it was 2g of APE (lemon tekked) which took me by surprise because the same amount of PE didn’t give me anything even remotely close to it.

I took around 2g of APE mushrooms. This was my third trip. Within a few minutes of taking it, I knew that this was going to be a much, much more intense experience than my last two trips. I’d done two trips before with 2g regular PE mushrooms and each time had pleasant experiences. The first time, I looked in the mirror and saw myself slowly turn into Shiva. The second time, I saw the image of myself in the mirror freeze while I was moving about. Both times I felt euphoric highs but they were nothing compared to what was about to happen. The visuals were much more elaborate and active both with my eyes open and closed. The slowly morphing patterns that I saw around me during every trip that I’d taken were now extending into the empty spaces within my room. I realized that the empty spaces were not empty at all but filled with the some kind of energy that the “things” were filled with. I stopped listening to my usual playlist of music consisting of some classical pieces and some traditional East Indian music. I said to myself over and over that I wanted to know the truth and I intuitively realized that the music was a distraction. The visuals seemed to move in sync with the music. While it was producing overwhelmingly beautiful sights, I felt this time that I needed to know and see the truth. I stopped the music after what felt was about half an hour and set on the floor and started meditating. I was able to enter a deep meditative state within seconds. There were no distracting thoughts at all. Like a straight arrow, I realized that I was “the” consciousness and that my body and my mind were something I was wearing. I extended my hand and put it on the carpet that I was sitting on and my hand started morphing into buttery liquid and started melting and mixing into the carpet. I couldn’t tell where the carpet ended and my fingers started anymore. They were all moving, breathing things. My mind asked the consciousness who I was. And in something that resembles telepathy, the consciousness answered my questions. Some of it was visual and some were just intuitive “knowing” but I was sure that they weren’t coming from my mind. the usual train of thoughts required to arrive at an answer wasn’t involved here. There was no voice but my questions were just answered and I knew. I knew that I wasn’t of this world. I started crying at this point. I asked if I had to leave my wife and kids today and said in my mind that I wasn’t ready. I wanted to stay, I said over and over. Then in my mind I was taken through vast time and space and into the whole universe. In a split second I was all over the universe and knew that time and space were utterly insignificant. They were mere constructs. But they were all connected. Like neurones, time, space, matter, and organisms were all connected, moving and breathing as one. At this point, I was in full panic mode. I knew that I was all and all was me. I ran into the bathroom covered in tears and mucus, all over my face. I rubbed them off my face, looked at my tear and mucus covered hands and knew that even those were all me. I started laughing hysterically at this and didn’t know why. I started asking the consciousness again. I knew at that point I wasn’t part of anything and that there was no other consciousness out there that will take me “up” today. I don’t recall all of the questions I asked because I was in such panic, but one of them was “what about my family?” The answer came back and they were me. The cars driving by on the road, the construction workers working across the street, all of the sounds I was hearing, they were all me. Outside my room, I was hearing the noises my kids were making, the laundry machine humming and my wife talking, but I knew I was all alone. It was all just me. I looked up at my face and it was made of sharp edged fractals, my face, my eyes, nose, mouth… I looked down at the bathroom sink and the faucet and they were all like that too. I turned on the water and it came out in fractal patterns. I looked around the room and it looked like a scene from The Matrix. Everything was covered in these patterns. I felt weak in the knees and knelt on the floor and asked myself, “what’s after this?” “Can I get out of this?” “what’s beyond this?” The answer came and said “no, there was nothing beyond this.” This was it. This was the reality. It was me and that was it. I knew this “I” was perfect in every way but at the same time a desperate, writhing loneliness engulfed me. I screamed and wept (I asked my wife later and she said she didn’t hear anything and thought I was just meditating) but occasionally laughed like a maniac at what I realized, how imperfectly everything looked and at the fact that I’ve been trying to delude myself with such imperfect creation that I now truly see. I was murmuring all this to myself. Then I asked if I could manipulate things around me. Then I realized that I couldn’t. The nature was separate from me in a sense. It was created and locked away by me, it felt like. It was a fully self-functioning thing with its own rules and agendas. I wondered to myself, if I created all this and my body, why were they so imperfect? The answer that came back made perfect sense. They had to be imperfect in order for me to forget that I was all alone. The things I hated about myself and others, the things I desired, everything I had around me in their perfectly imperfect states. They were all that way in my attempt to forget the truth. And then they all looked perfect in their own ways. I realized how perfect my wife and kids were. All the “stuff” I had around that I could see. Out of desperation that I didn’t want to be alone, I opened the bedroom door to go into the living room and saw my wife and kids. They all had strange glows around them and the same sharp edged shapes and features. I knew they were all me. I tried to talked to them but couldn’t because I didn’t know how to talk to “me” and what will happen if I did. My wife came over and took me back into the room. She said I might be scaring the kids because I had tear and mucus stains all over my face and my shirt. She was surprisingly calm (which I will be forever grateful for) and asked me what happened. “I realized the truth.”, I said to her crying. She asked me what the truth was. I told her it’s all me, you, the kids, everything we see, they were all me. I realized at that point that I didn’t know what she’d say to me, even though I was dead certain that she was me. I became fearful that she’d think I’ve lost my mind and lock me up in a mental institute. Even then I couldn’t pretend to be the way I was before. She asked me some personal questions I can’t share here but it was almost as if she knew this would happen and she also wanted to know. The gist of it was that my answer to her questions was that we are here to feel our emotions and feel alive and separate because the alternative was total perfection in utter isolation. She calmed me down and asked me to take a shower. I gradually became calm as I took the shower. The warm water hitting my skin felt like pure heaven. I was infinitely happy that I was still here. I eventually went back into the living room where my kids were playing with their animal toys. They asked me to play with them and I felt no resistance at all which I often feel when I’m interrupted. They asked me about all these different animals. The lions, zebras, gazelles… and as I explained about each of them, how they are designed differently to create their own unique ways to live their lives, I realized that when life is just an illusion, they all made up a perfect circle of life that was endlessly fascinating and fun. I started smiling like I never smiled before at everything they said, asked, and did. Pure joy surrounded me and I couldn’t stop smiling even when I tried. After about 2-3 hours I gradually became me again. I could feel my ego starting to gain its foothold again and it gradually made me “me” again. But I still couldn’t get annoyed or angry at anything even when I tried, not after I realized why I’m here. The world is the heaven that “I” created for myself to endlessly fascinate me and feel the joy, sorrow, and everything else that the heart can process and feel connected and that was what I was here to do. This was my trip the best I could remember and describe. For awhile it felt like I would remain in that state forever but I’m so grateful that I didn’t because it wasn’t at all as ecstatic as I had read about it. In fact it scared the shit out of me. But I feel like it spat me out with a valuable gift which is the realization that life here isn’t bad at all even with all the pain and suffering that we all go through while living it. Part of what grounded me at least not to lose my mind altogether was listening to Leo a few days ago and him saying that it’s just a state. So thanks for that, Leo.