StarStruck

@Breakingthewall @Michal__ As I said this is my speculation. Buddhist also talk about this so that is a source. From my own experience. I took microdoses of 5 MeO couple of times and I got a lot of grey hairs on the side of my head, in a short period. I must say I didn't reach enlightenment because of internal blocks (youth trauma and ego identification), so I stopped. I'm not a good example but if you look at Leo Gura and compare him to couple of years back he aged very quickly (take notice how Leo's skin and eyelids changed). He says he eats healthy and works out so it can't be that. Natural aging is normal but Leo aged very fast.

@supremeyingyang yes pls

For example the levels of consciousness map by Richard Dawkins is very handy with meditation. How many of you know this map by heart? I'm not a fast learner and my progress with enlightenment is not going as rapidly as I want. I know spirituality is not about memorization. It transcends concepts but I seem stuck.

@Adamq8 yes @Nahm thanks

What if you have nobody? Are you a nobody? This made me think about nondualism. There is only you, and no other.

I saw there was no summary of this video. How To Contemplate Using A Journal Leo has a previous episode to contemplate in your head. This video is about using a journal. It is better so you can lose yourself in monkey mind. Contemplation and self-inquiry are different Self-inquiry is for enlightenment Contemplation is for truth seeking Contemplation is easier than self-inquiry Nothing Leo says is true unless you can rediscover these truths yourself. Contemplating is key: It is step zero with everything in life, you need to make everything your own by finding out yourself. That is the essence of minor- and major truth seeking. Otherwise you make great mistakes You can't be good in life without truth seeking You get result with contemplation: you get real understanding/clarity, you will make leaps You will need to put in the cost. Without doing the spiritual work it will be like an athlete who does research and never works out You will have to do math to understand it for example. Don't be lazy. Assumptions: question the assumptions You are full of bull Nothing your mind says can be trusted All beliefs and teaching are false Only direct exp is true Truth is not fragile: you can't hurt the truth by questioning, you can only make it clear Contemplation is not there things: Speculation and guess work Justifying what you already know It is not building new beliefs Don't build (grand) theories Day dreaming or imagination It is not building Défense for what you believe: to yourself or to others It is not opinionizing It is not pursuit of practical advantage or success: happiness doesn't come from advantage or success Use contemplation for not what it can do for you, but what something is What is contemplation: Observation: deconstructing/breaking down ideas Awareness and going meta: observe observation, and then observe that Self reflection: what is your role in understanding Think independent: question assumption/teaching/culture(knowing the truth at all cost) What does contemplation require? Open mindedness: be open to be shocked Fearlessness: don't run away from fear. Face it! Self-honesty Careful observation Impartiality: step out your role No idea is sacred Self-reliance: nobody is here to help you Genuine curiosity: how is it that you don't know what an object is? Traps: Self-evidence: is for example science self-evident? It is not Cultivating system for contemplation is a trap: work towards the right answer: don't go through the motions/system of thinking Don't depend on books or videos Go outside your culture Grand theory is a trap: don't construct False skepticism: (go for painful stuff instead, feel loneliness, develop a taste for it) Don't bring science to contemplation Distraction is a trap (watch distraction episode on actualized) Technique for contemplation: Get a separate journal for contemplation: Take 20-30 minutes Take a contemplation question: pick 1 question or object (write it down)Start from ground zero, accept you don't know it is to open up room to contemplate, throw your previous culture/knowledge/memories away, don't use external source. Set aside your emotional baggage and prejudices. Don't philosophize/speculate but instead use direct experiences. If you can't figure it out with direct experience, you will never figure it out. Ground yourself: use direct examples, don't use what you learned from books or heard from other people Question the topic: raise a question, begin very basic, bring up a concrete example, Examples for questions: Existential questions: what is meaning, science, ego, concept, belief, truth, evidence, symbol, language, fear, identify, thought, conflict, duality, boundary, reason, culture, judgement, value, object, evil, self-help, apple, happiness Personal psychological questions: How am I full of shit? How am I lying? Which truth do I refuse? How am I corrupt/evil? What do I fear? What do I whine about? How do I play victim? How do I play victim? What conflict of interest do I have? How am I self bias? How do I cling to culture? What is sacred? How hypocrite/weak human being? let your mind observe the question/thought, notice how the thought is arising, Bring up examples (from your life). Ask what is the common denominator? let the question flower into 10 other questions key is not to get to the bottom question: find possible answers instead Purpose of this work is to grow Create traction with reality keep bringing up the original question and go back to it, question prejudices (start with: accept that you don't know) Determine how deep you want to go, keep on the topic though

@PurpleTree i still have to see proof for Syrian jihadists operating in Azerbaijan. Other than that Karabakh was mostly Azeri before Armenia unleashed a policy of ethnic cleansing and genocide in 1992. Only area where Armenians were a majority was around the capital of Karabakh. They will respect Azeri sovereignty and they don't really have a case to do otherwise. If Armenia decides to start another war this time they will lose territory in Armenia proper.

It terms of international law Azerbaijan has a good case. Karabakh is recognized as Azeri land which Armenia occupied 30 years ago. As we speak the area is already liberated and the international community couldn't do much for the poor Armenians. They had no foot to stand on. They should have settled for an agreement with Azerbaijan. Now they lost it completely after a complete humiliation of their army. Too sad.

I tried microdosing 5 MeO DMT to do the same thing and I caused stress and panic. My guess is that my suppressed trauma energy is just too much.

Me too

My mother is very toxic for the whole family. I'm clearly seeing her traumas back in myself and the more I heal myself the more I want to do something about my mother who is ruining my dad's life. She is a childish 50 year old woman. If you saw her on the street you would think she is a mature 50 year old woman but within relationships she acts like a 13 year old brad. She is stuck in the past and always brings old stuff up, although we told her she should let go of the past because it poisons the family. Friends is something she doesn't have. People avoid her because she is very egocentric: always talks about her self and she becomes vindictive very fast. My father's career got ruined because of her. She would always call her to complain about being a house wife and about the kids. She was also very violent and emotionally distant to everybody really. It is all in the past and we can't change the past but I'm seeing that she is just continuing her behaviour (like calling him on his work to complain about being a house wife or starting fights about nothing at home). It really hurts my dad. Divorce is not really an option. My mother can't take care of herself financially. They are going to therapy I believe. It doesn't work. My mother is just stubborn. I tried to talk to her about her past but she doesn't really want to talk about it. At this moment I'm focusing on myself and I have a lot of work to do to fix my own problems. When I'm "fixed" I think I can help them too but considering my situation my healing will take multiple years.

Don't hold yourself back though. You are what you are. I would just steam ahead 100% and make mistakes. For me it is about expressing myself and yes your heart will be broken but that is what you want. Recently a girl dropped me and it caused a lot of hurt. Without that hurt I wouldn't have the motivation to change/do the work.

@NatureB I was already thinking which topics I should discuss with my psychotherapist. That was what I thought too: especially my dysfunctional family and non-emotionally present mother is the cause of this. I acted as my date was my mother and that she would fix all of the things. I did couple of other ridiculous stuff which I'm too ashamed to type here. How did you use MDMA for trauma healing? I read that book a while back. Agreed. Ok, I think is mistook observing for analyzing.

@neutralempty people always tell me I'm unusual. That is what she told me and I hated it. I just have to accept what I'm though. Hopefully one day I will have a normal dating life. I want to get the experience before I settle down with 1 lady.

I would never have the motivation to go into psychotherapy if she didn't put a hole in my ego. She told me she would have fucked me if I didn't put up the boyfriend frame. The only thing she did was put a flash light on me and I can't be the same person anymore. I'm already a different person for the better or the worst. If I acted as a jerk, just hit it & quit it, I wouldn't have grown. I don't understand why you thank me though.

Thanks for the book recommendation. By the way, when I called her and when we decided to be friends without benefits. She told me exactly what you told me: "you are seeing things that are not there, as harsh as it sounds". I can't remember in which context she meant that but you are spot on because she told me the same thing. I thanked her for the feedback. When I overthink, I usually think about past knowledge/trauma/lessons from the past and try to prevent future failures/pain. I know what I have to do: just surrender to the now. For me that is problematic though. I did try Eckhart Tolle's stuff in the past and it was basically me walking into a mine field with my blinders on.

@tsuki I made an appointment with a psychotherapist and I have a final question about overthinking. A lot of people tell me I'm overthinking. This might be true if you compare me to "normal" people. Probably the reason why I'm bad at certain things is that I'm overthinking and making things more complicated than they are. That is probably why people get shocked when I tell them I find it difficult to make friends and get a gf. They tell me it is very easy. The problem I have though is that when I stop overthinking is that I operate in automatic pilot and I stay in my bubble of comfort. If I do overthink, I might get some insight but these insights won't be very useful because it will be within my current paradigm. I have been contemplating about this and I think I just have to listen to my feelings more but when I do this I get caught up in overthinking very fast. It is so hard for me not to overthink. I have been doing this all my life and I think it is a key trait I have that distinguishes me from other people.

That is a good point. Some people can pull off farting (metaphorically) in public because they just have social intelligence, how and when to do it. And when they do it: it is just self expression. They don't care and are sure of themselves. And also: not all farts are created equally.

From what I researched this is what I understand about honesty: In relationships honesty is not an absolute. There is always a balance between honesty and relevance. For example, if you are at a date with a girl and you have to fart, it is not relevant to say you have to fart, it is not relevant to the context although it would be totally honest if you told her that you have to fart. Basically you shouldn't fart is what I learnt. I called her, and I just told her that I'm an adult and if she doesn't like me she should tell me. We talked like for 40 minutes and I really pushed her to just tell me she doesn't like me. She couldn't. I think she likes me but I got caught in the boyfriend frame. I was too uptight, not playful enough I think. Eventually she said she likes dominant non needy guys. She said I appeared as a guy who is the opposite of dominant (mentally) but I acted as a dominant guy and she found that insincere. That is reason she didn't accept my advances when I escalated for sex. We agreed on being friends, which easily can be upgraded to friends with benefits, but I'm not going to chase her anymore. I told her to call me if she wants to talk/meet up. Big chance she will never call me. I'm easily replaceable for a chad who doesn't have personality problems.

@Thestarguitarist14 @tsuki thanks guys, you guys helped me a lot. I'm starting to feel I'm loping and I don't want waste your guy's time. There is enough advice and info in this topic to keep me busy for at least a week. I caught myself trying to let this thread going so I have somebody to talk to, which would be unfair to you guys. I know I have to focus inwards but I also need somebody to talk to. I have one friend that I know from the gym. We can talk about things but he always connects it to Evangelical Christianity. He is fundamentalist. If I tell him I'm not interested in his religion I'm afraid he will not be my friend anymore. I'm in such a difficult situation. Just doing inward work is not cutting it for me. Yesterday I felt so elevated and today I just lost total perspective on life. So much pain, suffering and disappointment and I'm going to die one day anyway. I feel like you guys are doing your best effort and I'm just not listening because of my roller coaster of emotions.

I got it. Yesterday was my 1 week anniversary for my first date and I feel like I became a new person. I still have aaaa lot of work to do but thanks to advice like this I'm having good faith. My conversations with people are totally different. Feeling the body during conversations is so important so I totally understand what you wrote here. Is it really a matter of choosing what you want to feel? I always thought one doesn't have control over emotions and that emotions are a response to one's thoughts/actions. Neediness has a bad connotation I guess because it looks from the other people's view who perceives my behavior as value sucking. From my perspective being needy is like a baby crying for milk: it is innocence.

Little update: Yesterday I called her. We had a 40 minutes conversation. I pushed her to make a choice; she couldn't say she doesn't like me. She told me she really really likes me but because I acted like a boyfriend he treated me like one, instead of a fuckboy This is the reason why she didn't want to fuck me because she wanted to date me but now she changed her mind and also doesn't want to date me She told me a lot of bullshit like I have no time, uni is starting, I'm moving away to 1 hour drive from you. I told her if you really like me you would date me. You would make time. Eventually she caved in and said she wants an alpha male: 1. somebody who can keep her under his thumb 2. extrovert/non-needy We agreed that we will become friends but she gave signals sex is possible Ok, I will trust you and do the exercises. First I will visualize I'm holding her. Then I will fuck her brains out. Agreed. That is why I can't afford being myself any more. I noticed that I'm sending out signals that I'm low value and that the other person is more worth than me. Previously I didn't even notice this. She helped me out of the slumb and she was the first woman she wanted to date me. Show some empathy. I can't really control my feelings right? I can't help her I like her. I want to use her for my spiritual and social skill growth. You don't even want to know how much I changed within 1 week... thanks to her. If she didn't want to date me, I would still be emotionally stuck

I know bro. Those visualization exercise helped me somewhat. Appreciate it but recently I discovered I just don't want raw sex (although that can be fun). I want somebody who cares about me. She doesn't care about me enough. She told me her uni is starting (which is true) and she is moving away to an 1 hour drive location (which is true). She says she liked me a lot but she doesn't have time because of her work/school schedule. If she liked me enough she would make it work but obviously she doesn't. She is saying the obvious cliche stuff like it is not you it is me. It is all bull because I know she multiple friends with benefits. From what she told me: they are huge jerks and like you said they probably are not needy. What I know for sure: they treat her like crap. Some part of me says I just become like those jerks just to satisfy my inner child but I'm not even smart enough to pull that shit off. I'm just being totally honest here.

I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around that. If I'm just doing what feels good right now, I would never get work done. There is always more fun stuff to do than work. What I get from what you are saying: Avoiding pleasure doesn't mean success all the time There is only the now. Being ok with uncertainty But that doesn't translate to me to something good. I have been following this advice since I know actualized org and it didn't help me. Doing this changed me, for the good or the worse. I already knew this but I never felt anything. Probably stuck in consciousness level apathy. I think this girl ripped a hole in my heart and now I have access to my feelings, which is good. These are gold nuggets right here. I'm taking notes. Ok, I know this but I don't want to scare off my only two friends by acting weird. When talking to strangers, I don't care if they think I'm weird, I'm just not feeling well. Today I had very low self-esteem, I was indecisive, and just awkward. Partly because I'm trying to appear normal and partly because I thought I was gone insane. I'm just back from meeting a friend and I'm ok right now but I find it worrying that I can be stuck in a paradigm in which I think I lost it. By the way this happened after she said she doesn't want to meet up again, which was yesterday. I know what I have to do: just move on but I can't. I'm in connection to my feelings. Thanks for pointing this out. You are being very helpful making these distinctions. Everybody in this topic told me she got repulsed by me because I was needy so my reflect is: stop being needy. Some people even said I should stop acting gay and man up. So you are advising me the opposite or am I misinterpreting?

In the past I indulged in addictions and I felt good in the moment but afterwards I felt shitty. I think it is also important to invest in feeling good on the long term which means making sacrifices in short term pleasure, no? Doing the hard work and following up the advice in this forum makes me feel sick in my stomach. And I hate being honest about it. Yesterday I made an appointment for psychotherapy. Since she said she didn't want to see me again, I have been feeling very uncomfortable during conversations with people. I just feel like I'm trying to value suck from everybody and I'm allround needy/vulnerable. Very smart people don't tend to be super successful all the time. I read a lot of them end up in welfare because they overthink and don't have EQ. I need start believing in myself but sometimes it just feels too much to handle.