Raptorsin7

I feel like screaming in frustration ): It's days like today that remind me how far I need to go, and just how undeveloped I am as a person. I feel lonely, I don't feel happy... I have an exam coming up this week, and I feel somewhat prepared but who knows. I've been meditating an hour a day consistently but I feel like it does nothing when I spend the rest of my day on the internet, eating junkfood. I obviously need to make big changes, but I just don't fucking do anything. I am thankful I have established a yoga practice and a meditation practice. I believe the solution to my problem right now is to go into those things that I'm afraid to do. I am afraid of sitting down and studying for a few hours without constant procrastination. I'm afraid to clean my apartment thoroughly, i always clean a bit then just stop. But in the mean time i'm going to do a lot of yoga and a lot of meditation and see where it takes me. I want fucking happiness, I can see it in my mind and i recognize it in my dreams. But i don't fucking have it in my experience now and it makes me sad ):

@lennart Yea man it's tough. The bad feeling reminds just how far I have to go.

Very good idea. It is frustrating getting advice that doesn't resonate with where i'm at in my practice.

I just woke up after going out last night with a bunch of classmates. Man i feel so depressed this morning. I can feel the sadness and the suffering. Whenever I go out to bars and drink I always wake up the next morning feeling depressed, maybe because I'm way more social when i'm drunk and i recognize my social mistakes? The suffering sucks, but I am happy that I can see it and feel it. It is motivating to go out and get my life to the place I want it to be. Where do i want to be? I don't know, but I feel I'll know it when I get it. I watched a david goggins video and I feel like the answer to my sadness/suffering is to push through all the things I don't really want to do. I have to study, but i really don't want to do it and I feel like shit while im doing it. I have to clean my apartment, but i always make excuses to do a shit job. I need to push through all these mental blocks in order to find happiness, BUT I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO DO IT. I'm so comfortable watching youtube drama, or going on this forum and reading random posts. I think if i'm not going to be better, I at least need to do things that make me suffer and feel depressed. it sucks to be depressed but it's better to feel this sadness then to not really feel it but still live a fucking unsatisfying life. Mood: ):

@zeroISinfinity Meditation is part of the way imo. I spend an hour meditating each day, but when i spend the other 15 or so hours engaging in low consciousness nonsense the meditation is like a drop of water in a sea of suffering. There is value in facing the suffering in your life head on and coming out a better person because it, all of which can be done outside of a meditative context. In my opinion , tacking suffering head on > Meditation at least at my current lower consciousness level.

@VeganAwake I'm still caught in the matrix. I can somewhat see my suffering, I see how i go to youtube, junk food, this forum etc to make my self feel good. After a night out i woke up this morning feel depressed, i could feel the sadness in my stomach, but my response is to listen to podcasts, get food, jerk off. It honestly sucks seeing my own suffering, and knowing I am the one who holds the keys to my own salvation yet I still do nothing. It is nice to actually feel the sadness fully though, sometimes its not obvious what motivates so much of my poor behavior, but when I feel the genuine sadness I feel more awake. Rant over (:

@flowboy That's awesome great job (: I am doing ok, not bad, but not good either. I do a lot of meditation, i average about an hour of self inquiry a day and i usually get 5 or 10 minutes of concentration practice. I've also gotten really into yoga recently and am going at least 5 times per week. But my diet is still terrible, and i spend a lot of time procrastinating. I have a lot of work to do but I feel like i'm making progress.

Good luck man (:

My parents are not divorced, but they had an arranged marriage so not a great relationship either. I don't know how that affected my relationships but i'm sure it hasn't been good. Cool idea for a topic (:

It is not a big deal, don't do that technique spend your time doing some productive. Quality woman do not care if your penis 5 inches or the magic cut off of ____ inches. You are like a guy with good hair complaining about not having as nice as hair as a woman, while at the same time walking next to bald men on a daily basis.

@Nahm ...

@Dlavjr I appreciate you taking time to comment. I agree i definitively care about the opinion of others too much, but don't actually view me caring about my social reputation as a bad thing. Granted, in the future if i realize that it is holding me back from genuine happiness then I would view it as a problem. But in the mean time i'm comfortable with this part of me.

@universe Very much so, but idk how that helps me...

@Serotoninluv Sounds good thanks a lot for your advice I appreciate it. I'm going to see this through, ill definitely be alert for red flags too.

@Serotoninluv She asked me what I wanted and i told her i wanted something casual, and specifically i don't want something serious. She said she's cool with it if i'm honest and respectful, which i thought was unusual but whatever. I don't think she actually practices in my studio, but two of her friends on fb are yoga instructors at my yoga studio. I don't know the extent of the relationship, but I just don't like the idea of combining the part of me that want's a fun fling from tinder/bumble with the part of me that wants to self-actualize and achieve enlightenment. I know its all part of the same process, but right now i'm 24 and i guess the problem is I know i don't want to have casual flings as I get older and it's not the kind of person i want to be in the future, but the yoga practice is all about who i'm trying to be in the future. I think i will feel comfortable if i act as ethical as possible and be as honest and straight forward as possible. I have no concern for me getting emotionally invested, I either will find a way to make her like to me or just accept and move on, but if she got invested and things get out of hand i'd be upset. But i do want to see this through, I like the idea of pushing through something that makes me really uncomfortable. Especially if people on here view this conduct as not completely unacceptable, like if i was trying to trick a girl into losing her virginity to me or something

@Nahm LOL you're on a roll

This is my biggest concern regarding this bumble situation. Even if all things go well, this is always a possibility.

@Serotoninluv Very good analysis i think you have my situation pegged accurately. I told this girl that I don't want a relationship and i want a casual fling so I feel like i'm being as honest as possible, and I have no intention of manipulating her into having sex with me even if she wants something completely different. I think if i act ethically and honestly with this girl then I will have no reason to be ashamed if details come back to my yoga school. Should i bring up the fact that we have common friends through yoga or is that too forward given we haven't met yet?

@Dlavjr I do care about what people around me think, I value my reputation. But i agree about how much others care, I may be overblowing this but idk

@Nahm Lol very nice

@Nahm Lame... Little me could done a better job of setting this stuff up then consciousness me

@Revolutionary Think Yea i resonate with that. The meditation stuff is legit imo, if you want genuine answers then meditation practice is a must.

@Revolutionary Think I'm pretty sure Leo will be the first to tell you that he is not at the end of his journey. No one's perfect, and especially with respect to political ideologies it's tough to judge others opinions. Everyone has bias and everyone has some ideological leanings. Leo's the man, but don't put him on a pedestal he's trying to self-actualize just like many others on this forum are trying to do as well. He's bound to have opinions and views that are surprising or unsettling to many of us on the forum.

@Revolutionary Think Yea it's not surprising. Those guys attack anyone they perceive as left of their political views, and pigeon whole their ideological opponents as right wingers no matter where they land on a political spectrum. They have a hard anti Yang bias, and they don't even intimately engage with his ideas. Yang is not a progressive in the same light as Bernie, and he's not going to offer such a seismic shift as Bernie could offer. But to act like Yang is some right wing trojan in the democratic party like Sam and Michael do is nonsense. I personally think Sam Seder and Michael Brooks are toxic and scummy people, but their political analysis is usually pretty good. But, i definitely think Leo's knee jerk bias against Yang here is because he listens to those programs, and those programs do not actually deal with the substance of what Yang has to offer. But i am heavily biased because i do not like Sam Seder or Michael Brooks in general, so take what I say about this with a grain of salt.

Spend 15 minutes watching Majority Report or The Michaels Brook's Show episodes about andrew yang, and you will have an idea why Leo has a bias against yang.