Raptorsin7

I am envious of people who never have to go on the path. People with good families and good role models would never need to seek god, because they would never have lost their divine connection from childhood. If only my parents had done a better job. But at the same time i can't control that it's in the past so there is no point in worrying about. Negative thinking makes no sense. Yet i continue to do it. I'm uterlly insane. I'm a mad man. I am crazy. I am nuts. I am a monster I am pathetic i am disgusting

Feeling stuck. Not connected to my core. On the LSD I felt alive, I felt powerful, and more human. Now i feel cold and numb. Am i a drug adduct? What am i now? I am a happiness addict that's for sure. And i'm a wellness addict. I just suck at wellness. Fkkkk. I want to feel good. I think getting this toxicity out of me is important. The game is a good channel. It allows me to just be me. The game is my outlet, it is my love.

I feel dissconnected now. I'm off the drugs, but i still feel the after glow of LSD. Overall great trip. Battled insanity, threw up, played my game. But i still have lots of work to do. The walls of the ego have come back up for me, i no longer feel a deep connection to my core. I was close to a total break through to infinity, but there still was subtle fear holding me back. Fear of the unknown, infinity seemed to much for me. Existence is completely irrational. Life makes no fucking sense. I don't understand the point of this. It just doesn't make sense.

@Alex bAlex

@Surfingthewave No i'm great. Thanks for the follow up, I like to be dramatic haha. It's fun for me.

I cant make sense of it. This makes 0 sense to me. I cant solve this. I dont know what the fuc ks is going. GG god. WP YOU fking beat me, because i got nothing

WHERE IS THE SUFFERING COMING FROM. ME. ITS COMING FROM ME. I'm connected to me, and the suffering is coming from me. This is fun. If this journal ever gets too big i'll fking shut it down right away. I don't a fking cult following like these other retards, fking idiots with cults lmao. Wow so much of the suffering is in stories of myself and other people. Its all about me and other people. My LIFE IS THE EPITOMY OF NARCISSIM. THIS IS AS BAD AS YOU CAN FKING BE. I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON WOW I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON HOLY FK THOSE WORDS ARE FREEING I AM A TERRIBLE HUMAN BEING I AM LIVING IN A RETARDED WAY DONT LIKE ME HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHH WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO FKING LIVE LIKE THIS. haha the joke is on me, because I fking live like this. I fking inflict this suffering on myself.

UHHHHHHHHHHHOADFKLADJFKADJFLKDJFLKDJFLSDAJKLFDJALKFJSADLKJFASDLKJFLKDASJFLKDAJFLJ WHY IS THIS SO HARDJDAHFLDHFLJDAHF WHY IS LIFE SO HARD WTF IS THIS PROJECTION ONTO OTHER PEOPLE. SO MUCH SUFFERING IS IN OUR PROJECTION ONTO OTHER PEOPLE.

I want to stay TUNED IN. WHATEVER THOSE WORDS FKING MEN;KDFKLJDKJ UHH UHHHH you can't bea tme bitchh FKING IDIOT RETARD. ILL FKING DESTORY YOU MOTHERFKESKLJFLJADSL;JFA;KLJ its me vs me here. I can't lose because all its all me.

THIS IS SO RETRFRDN SO MUCH NEEDLES SUFFERING LOL' WTF Creator, i want a better system lmao. Who built this fking game am i right? Fking idiot creator.

I'm going dark Just me and my journal and league of legends. A gaming tear. An epic adventure of gaming. Infintite humor. What the fk. UHHHHH. SO FKING MUCH BRO. GOD DAMMIT. WTFJADLFJADSKLFJDAS;LKJFDLKSAJFD FL;DAJ;FLKSDAJLKF;DAJKLFJDA KLLJS LKFJDALKJFLDKJLKAJSFLKJASDKLFJSDALKJ MAN LADSJFLKAJDSLKRFAJSDF I feel the power. Now. How do i maintain this power. And how to put it to good use? The battle will continue though. But i think im winning overall. Feeling is the best judge.

THIS IS RETARDED. WHY WOULD I NOT LIVE LIKE THIS. WHAT IS THE FKING POINT, OF NOT LIVING LIKE THIS LOL. fking retarded design. Idiot fking creator. Why the fk would you do this to yourself? I don't know? Fk this. FUCKKKK. WHAT THE FUCK. I'M GOING IN AND OUT. DUDE FK YOU PEOPLE READING THIS. FKING IDIOTS. Im tadjflakdjflkjsdaklfjklfdJ f Fk the audience. WHO GIVES A FK. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT. THIS IS FKING RETARDED. Why would I not want to live this way. Fking retard designer. Like there has to be a better way to get tuned in. I don't want to use fking drugs all the time, what the fuck, But who cares, i dont give a fk. aHHFHAFLDIFHADKLFHALKJFKD q

24 years of wasted potentoal. Fking bull shit life. Idiot family. So much morein me that was fking not allowed out. Fuck this, and fuck everyone.

This is the battle wow. I am going in and out of being tuned out and in.

Wow. I feel fully connected to the journal. This crazy. The sense of connection is "other wordly". I see what these words point to now. Words cannot really describe how great this expeience is. Wow these drugs are amazing. Haha it's insane how much growth can occur from these subtances. I just accomplished more in like 2 hours on LSD then i did in the last month of "FULL TIME recovery. LOL

I just want someone to put me out of this misery. I finally understand suicide lol. It's not that people want to die, it's that they want there old way of living to die. They want to find a way of living that feels good. That's the point of suicide, and the negative experience in genreral, it provides contrast/context from which to choose the next experience.

@ZenBlue Thank you

I did 1.5 tab of LSD. Here we go. I'm expecting a breakthrough into bliss.

@ZenBlue Yeah the hysteria is getting out of control, it's tough. This pandemic could last months, and the way people are responding it's going to 6 months of fear based survival thinking. Do you have any concern about the virus? I have 0, but idk if that's wise or foolish.

@LfcCharlie4 No I agree man. Life didn't really begin for me until my awakening. I had a great child hood up until about age 9, but since that point i was always unconsciously seeking happiness but never found it until now. I'm not even close to done embodiment tbh, i have a lot of toxic psychology to up root but my life is completely different now. It's not a stretch to say I was born again. I don't like all the non-duallity talk tbh. I think it's confusing and i wish there was more practical language. There's a reason the budhha preached against asecthisscsm lol

@LfcCharlie4 It's always dependent on the person. What worked for me may not work for someone else, because we are all unqie and have different histories. But enlightenment is the greatest thing to ever happen to me and it's not even close. I think this needs to be said first and if it doesn't resonate then so be it, but i can't not recommend the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.

@LfcCharlie4 I understand. But i think what works, works. So enlightenment is the really the best advice you could give someone, if you could make it work for them. But i agree not everyone should go straight for enlightenment, other pd might help them more idk. I can only speak from direct experience, and for me when i went all in on enlightenment and stopped caring about anything else my life dramatically improved. I can only recommend what I know works, and this I am confident works.

Dam I think i had a break through. I need to channel my depression into psychotic competitenvess. This will allow to move up the emotional scale inot this stage. And it will be great because i can channel this into my video game. Competition here we come. Dam I think i'm going to hit platinum by Friday. I feel a win streak coming.

Okay I didn't do LSD today. Maybe saturday. But i feel better. I think i've been lislabeling the emotional scale. I was thinking i've been stuck at boredom and contentment lmao. Nope. I've been stuck at the lowest tier, like insecurity, shame, guilt, fear, worthlessness, powerlessness. This is where i've been living. These emotions are what motivate toxic competitvness, anger, tilt, etc. That's the relationship. But I think the relationship is backwards of what I just wrote. The toxic thoughts are producing the emotions as a guide to change thinknig. How do i know my thinking needs to change because My emotions are telling me this doesn't feel good. So, here's the deal. I need to change thinking. But i also care about my website. So perhaps setting the goal on the dream board of what i want next in the website, which is challenger in league, and then picking good feeling thoughts. I need to approach the scale from a feel better perspective. That's the purpose of using the scale. By changing the character of my thoughts, and the way i feel from music/media i can move up the scale. And that will make me feel better. Righteous anger FEELS BETTER than powerlessness. It's not about being the best, or getting the best feeilng. It's about moving up the scale, to feel better.

@Hello from Russia I'm on NA west, and i'm a gold 4 adc. @kira Have you found god yet? I recommend awakening first before pursuing a business/life purpose. I also highly recommend doing Leo's life purpose course. My idea just came to me from a long meditation session, but i honestly don't think it would be this easy for me if i wasn't already awakened. Where would you peg yourself on spiral dynamics?