Raptorsin7

@DrewNows I guess right now when i'm playing myattention is on efforting, extreme focus on the game etc. So really just playing with attention continuously returning to the breathe? My mind is very active while playing and i'm almost always thinking incessantly at some point during the game. I also have a hard time handling it when the game gets out of my control or my teammates are making mistakes. I've always thought fun from playing would come from just being really good, i've always had the mentality it's not fun to be a loser so i'd take losing hard. I want to be the kind of person who just plays for the fun of it, and is really indifferent to winning or losing but i'm not sure how to make that happen. I'm playing as part of my life purpose. I want to start a blog about topics like toxic elements of video game culture , and how gamers struggle to have fun due to toxic competitiveness, like what i'm growing through right now with the game. My hypothesis is that if i learn to relax and play from a place of joy and happiness, then that in and of itself will lead to better performance then the current way i play which is highly goal oriented and striving based.

Getting back to the basics. I'm going tot focus my energy on getting back on track with fundamentals, and put the ga me on hold for the time being. Today here's what i accomplished: I started a jogging program where i will end up running 30 minutes continuously. This means a lot to me as i've been struggling with learning to run distance for a while now.e I did an hour meditation in the morning. Then i did a 40 minute guided breathing meditation laying on the ground which i really enjoyed and got pretty relaxed from. I'm going to diversy my meditation techniques and pay attention to techniques or guided meditations that i notice clear results. I went shopping with my mom to an indian restaurant. This one is subtle, but it was nice to get out of the house and just be in the world with my mom. I cleaned the windows outside my house for an hour or so today which was pretty good work for me. I did 30 push ups in one go a few different times which is solid because before i could usually do 20 before my arms burned out. I didn't play the game at all or watch content related to the game. This is important for me. I think i got lost in my life purpose idea by putting too much into getting world class at the game, when really the game is simply a marketing tool for the content i'm going to write. I will re-evaluate my play style in the game in the future, but for now because i really wasn't having fun playing the game recently i think it's a great time to take a break and just focus on getting grounded with practices and improving as a person. Today was a good day.

@Leo Gura Do you notice a correlation between your break throughs on psychs and your sober spiritual practice. I've noticed that most of my productive time spent in sober practice leads to release of tension in my head, and on my major break through, and not so major break throughs, on LSD i've felt a full on release of tension in the head.

@Nahm Thanks for that. I know I'm insinuating that its your fault I'm stuck, but I also know that it's really up to me and I could have 20 life coaches who dont work out and the only common demonitator would be. I dont really know what else to say, but I'll keep trying until I figure this out.

@Artiekee Okay i'll give that a shot. There is a pretty detailed post where a guy broke the game down into many different categories. Right now i'm thinking the most growth will come form thoroughly analyzing my games and seeing where i'm making mistakes. What do you think? It's really overwhelming with all the information, and how complex the game is. I want to improve so badly, but it's kinda paralyzing just thinking of all the potential stuff to focus on, I don't want to take 10 years and have that wasted "learning" when there could have been a better route. @Average Investor @Artiekee I also have an ace up my sleeve lol. When I do LSD and I do a break through dose, for whatever reason, I play way better at league. Like i'm more focused, the game feels smoother, it's really incredible the effects of the drug on my performance. I haven't done lsd in a few months due to procrastination, but honestly I'm expecting a ton of improvement when I start doing it consistently again.

Yeah I've noticed that I get tilted easily when I focus on what my teammates are doing. What you wrote is the reason i'm doing my LP this way. The credibility gained from being a high rank in league of legends is incredible. I was very high rank in overwatch and I remember the way people would just idolize my rank, the same is true but even more so on league. I just love the potential impact I could have as someone who has the respect of the majority of the community, competitive and non competitive gamers, and how far my word will go within the community. Especially given how so much of this self actualization work has direct impact on performance in any given domain in life. I just don't feel comfortable telling people why meditation, being kind etc is so beneficial when I can't even make it work on the game yet. There's no reason I can't be world class at this fucking game, it's just frustrating.

I want to test myself on the game. I want to hit a high rank so I have credibility to an audience and myself. If this meditation stuff, and positive mindsets etc really work then I should be able to hit a high rank in this game. Virtually no one is taking these meditation insights and applying them in competitive video games. It means a lot to me to be able to hit a high rank before I start writing because i'd feel like a hypocrite telling people that meditation can help so much with gaming, but here I am stuck and frustrated playing the game. Before I start writing on how to game in a more mindful way, I have to show that it works on me first.

@Artiekee I'd love to hear ways to improve. Honestly, right now i'm just playing the game over and over but tbh it's not really effective. I feel stagnant in my performance, and it's getting really frustrating with me spending so much time on the game but not really seeing noticeable improvement.

@mmKay Thanks a lot man I appreciate the response. I'd say i'm in the process of doing a lot of what you mentioned, but i'm still in a thinking mode rather than feeling mode. I'll try and reflect on what you wrote and put it into practice.

@ivankiss Can you share the specific technique you used? Were you laying down? Were you pausing between breaths or just breathing continuously? How long did it take to get to the bliss?

@Artiekee Hey man I appreciate you reaching out. No i'm really aware of anything specific for gamers, i'm actually playing LOL with the intent of addressing that specific issue though so I hope to address this in the future, You are bang on in your assessment. I'm definitely feeling lost with my growth in the game rn. Like i'm getting better slowly, but I don't even really have a system as to how to improve or what I can do to make the game more fun. I honestly don't really have a lot of fun playing right now. It feels more like work, and relief when the games go my away. Any insights or tips are greatly appreciated.

@mmKay Thanks a lot man. So you think bliss comes from a deep acceptance of what is? Does that mean repeating in my mind over and over again I accept this? What does full on acceptance look like from a direct experience pov. I feel like i'm accepting what's occurring but idk how to tell if i'm resisting or not.

I feel so stuck in my growth recently. Not sure where to start, but I think two major areas that need work for me are my diet and my sleeping schedule. I want to eat a very clean diet, free from foods that spike my insulin and mess with my blood sugar. I think cutting out bread would have an incredible benefit. I want to go bed very early and wake up very early. I'm thinking of going to bed at 9 am and waking up at 6 am every day. Just this change I expect to be a major shift in my life. The key here is discipline. I think starting with a few things to focus on each day is important. Like today i'm going to focus on my diet and going to bed at 9 am. As long as these 2 things are done i'm happy.

@The Monk I really don't think your worries around therapy are true. If you go to a therapist and ask for help about OCD pedo thoughts, there's virtually no way they will throw you in jail. They will try to help you, idk where you heard that. That sounds like a great plan. Have you read Nahm's thread on using a dream board. I suggest writing all that stuff, and anything else you want, on a dream board.

@The Monk I can't speak to as to whether it's normal or not, but i had similar compulsions about being gay and it no longer bothers me and I think i'm normal, so it's a totally workable issue imo. I think sexuality is very fluid, and not as concrete as people tend to think. Sometimes random things give us boners and we can't really make sense of it. But i think there is a bigger issue here than the boner. The bigger issue is in the way you're reacting to these thoughts. You don't have to take the thoughts so seriously, but they are clearly getting to you. It could be worth finding a therapist who specializes with obsessive thinking and OCD, they could provide great insight to help you heal. I imagine many people have similar issues to you, but they don't talk about it or seek help. So good on you.

The point is to reach a place where the thoughts of you being a pedofile just don't affect you at all. The reasons don't matter, but what matters is you are no longer affected by the potential of you being a pedo. You don't have to be a pedo if you don't want to be. Thoughts about being a pedo, doesn't make you a pedo. Once the thoughts about being a pedo don't trigger you, they will cease to be an issue. You are creating an issue out of the thought, but it doesn't need to be that way. You won't have anytime for the confusion when you're in a great relationship. When life's amazing who has time to worry about this kind of stuff.

@The Monk No no, i'm not saying you are a pedo. You are distorting what I said. I'm saying that if you learn to accept the outcome, not act on it, then it will not affect you and you will be free of it. I am not a pedofile. But I can imagine myself as a pedofile and it doesn't drive me nuts. If I were extremely resistant to that prospect then it would create suffering for me because I can't control what thoughts are floating in my head. Just accept it and let it go. You don't have to act on those thoughts, and if you learn to just accept them without the reaction then you will be free. I think you will find peace from this when you learn to sit with the thoughts without the extreme reaction to the content of the thoughts.

Hey have you looked into Leo's life purpose course? I remember you said something in another post about wanting to be famous, and make content or something. Maybe you could use your qualifications as a doctor to start a youtube channel, or a website, and provide a more conscious and holistic perspective on medicine. I feel like one door has closed, but there really are an infinite number of other doors that are better than the door that just closed for you. Maybe try getting creative as to how you can bridge your spiritual path, with your current job as a doctor. Could be worth doing some brain storming and spending time contemplating the question of you want out of your career. Also, with respect to your failure. I think learning to deal with failure is an incredible skill to cultivate, I know still struggle hard with this. Failure is part of life, and I think it's necessary to take risks and fail at life for us to grow as people. As to how to follow your heart, I'm still struggling with this one, but maybe it's worth just feeling this out rather than trying to think your way out of it. Just sit and be with the pain and the thoughts without reacting, then notice how you feel. If you really want to do psychiatry then it could be worth just trying again, and looking into how you can better prepare for the admissions process. But I think the issue maybe be deeper. It could be worth reflecting on why you're the type of person who allows their happiness to be affected by the failures of their career. Life is short and well being and happiness is always the prior condition to whatever is occurring. Imagine an enlightened master in your exact situation, would they allow their well being to be disrupted, idk? But it could be worth looking into the mechanics of your own well being and try to find a way to cultivate a place of well being within yourself that can't be shaken. A sort of refuge within yourself that can be accessed at anytime. You could use this low point as a spark for the next phase of your life. This could be an incredible blessing for you in the long run. When we are at low points we are open to great change. A great quote I've heard on here recently, is where tears fall, divine mercy is shown. Maybe go to a secluded place with no distractions and just let it out. Don't involve anyone, and just go sit alone somewhere.

@The Monk When I was in highschool we were watching a movie in class and there was a scene with a bunch of guys in a locker room and I got a boner. I spent a year with compulsive thoughts about the potential for me to be gay, it was miserable. I would do stuff like watch porn with a guy and test myself to see If I got another boner lol. After about a year it got better and it was less of a serious issue, but I think a lot of the problems were created by the resistance to being gay. I know it's hard to accept those thoughts, but maybe if you just accepted the worst case over and over again eventually the thoughts wouldn't bother you. I'm not saying you have to go out and act on those thoughts, but fully accept yourself and this potential "bad" thing. By acceptance I mean learn to sit with the thoughts and the resulting emotions without reacting to them. Just be with them. You're looking for external validation from other people about this issue but I don't think you'll find what you're looking for, relief from the obsessive thoughts. This is a problem of inside you, based on your ability to deal with obsessive thoughts and the underlying emotional content of the thoughts. You have to deal with that discord, and learn to accept and let go so the thoughts don't trigger you. No one can tell you you're okay, and then you're okay. Until you face the thoughts head on, they could always come back and you'll slip back into that spiral of intrusive thoughts.

Can you expand on this? What did you do then specifically? What kind of Byron katie stuff did you do, and what was your source for kriya yoga?

Today I played again from a few days break. The games were pretty good, I went on a 4 game win streak where I dominated every game. Then I paired up with one of my junglers and had some success, but then we lost 2 in a row and I saw that my jungle really wasn't very good. I also played bad, and overall it wasn't a great last 2 games. I'm currently gold 2 0LP, and my next loss is likely a demote. A major thing i'm trying to improve right now is my attitude towards climbing. I want to be detached and just do my best no matter what's going on. One problem I have is I get too emotional and raddled form losses or when i'm not playing well, and it creates anxiety and tension when I play. I want to just have fun and do my best in everygame, no matter if i'm winning or losing. Playing to have fun, not to tilt, and not caring about wins or losses is the best path forward imo for climbing. I'm not even really worried about my performance, because I know as I play more and watch more videos and replays I will just naturally improve. But my attitude and mindset will have the biggest impact on my ability to climb no doubt.

@electroBeam Success to me is the tension in my head being fully released and then feeling an oozing substance in my head that leads to feelings of bliss. Sober I'm pretty close, I can feel my head cracking and releasing a lot but I cant get a full release yet. On lsd I can get pretty much a full release of the tension

@electroBeam To try and find a causal link to your success. So maybe you started a new meditation technique recently, and that's what caused these realisations.

If i'm god and reality is all good, then why aren't I happy and feeling good now. Wouldn't I be able to just say I want to feel good and then feel good? Why am I constantly dissatisfied with experience and not enjoying life when i'm so powerful and loving?

@electroBeam How did you get this realisation?