Raptorsin7

@zeroISinfinity I'm not going to rush. But I don't think staying in Canada will do me any good. I've already lived on my own in a city here and i wasn't happy this place isn't for me given my current mindset and state of being. The whole point of this plan would be to teach me respect, independence, humility, responsibility and separation from my parents. India, Asia, South America would be options to live in rural conditions. I had a law teacher who did something similar i heard he was an unhappy law student, then spent 7 years in south america before coming back to Canada. He seemed like a good guy, i can email him and ask what he was like before and how the trip changed him. Leaving for however long it takes to become a man, and then come back to Canada and finally appreciate the wealthy and luxury is a better plan than i currently have. I honestly thought that's what i was doing with spiritual work, find yourself etc and then enjoy life but I don't know if that's how this stuff works.

This has been useful so need for sorry. I always kinda knew these problems were there but it hits home with the bombardment for sure. What you're saying about no therapy etc doesn't make sense because i can go to therapy and if i get no results i'm in exact same situation. Upside of therapy is i solve mental blocks and then i move on with life without going nuclear. But nuclear may be best option. With covid air ports are closed, but if i'm going to go nuclear I can't do it where I live. It would be too easy to go back to family, friends etc for support. First sign of adversity given my current state and mentality i would cave and go home. If i go nuclear i'm going to go to another country and start over full slate. I have bachelor's so i can get english teaching jobs in different countries. I'm Indian, but i've never actually been to India. Could be useful to back there learn from third world country and just start from scratch. What i'm looking for is grit, discipline, responsilbility etc. I guess the plan would be just go, and don't come back until i've made a man of myself. Family money etc will be here whenever i return so then maybe i could enjoy and do something useful with the money when i'm matured. What does that mean it's all @commie I understand. But cost isn't really a thing in this situation. The issue is i'm fully dependent on my rich family, got nothing of my own but anything i need or want they will give.

@zeroISinfinity I understand what you're saying. If nothing changes I'm going to be 40 with the same problems i don't want that. But I dont know what to do. If I get up and move out tmrw and rent a room, what if I break and just move back home. Right now I'm fucked, there would be nothing stopping me from just returning. I remeber last time i was depressed after I got better. The first thing i said to my parents is they should have yelled at me more, so I get the perspective. But I had a will to change then that came from my dad telling at me. Right now its just flat, there's no will to do anything. @Raphael Its okay feel free to continue, this journal has turned it nothing but a pity party anyway so cant do worse. I'll pm you @Raphael @commie Thank you, but me living at home is not based on any prudent financial planning or anything. I'm just lost and stuck, I thought I'd feel better and find happiness through this work and that would inspire the next phase of my life but so far it hasn't happened. I dont agree with all of zero's points but the core of the issues hes right @modmyth No so far I'm not. The last time I was depressed I did do that stuff on my own, but there was a kick in the ass that inspired change. It was felt. There's nothing at this moment driving that. But honestly last time I had no desire to improve anything in was just kinda in denial and avoided the problem. That's why I'm seeking out professional help, if I could do it on my own then it cant hurt to have a pro provide insights and guidance along the way. If it doesn't work then so be it, but I dont see how it can be considered a bad move given where I'm at

I don't care about enlightenment. I just want to be happy like in my dreams and like I was as a kid. I also just want my fucking sensations in my head to release and relax. ive felt them on the verge of popping for months now. Whatever your version of enlightenment is, yeah I'm not ready for that. But there is some basic shit wrong with me that I know can be fixed.

@zeroISinfinity I'm not there yet. You might be right, but I'm not low enough yet to accept what you're saying. I still have hope that I can find what's preventing enjoyment of life as it is. Even man child with no skills could be happy life, I believe true happiness is not about conditions but just is. I had a happy child good it wasnt always numb and lifeless. Dont knkw what what happened when I was a kid but happiness got sucked away and life sucked. I remeber it clearly, grade 3 I was a self actualized kid, life was good. Then next year grade 4 life and school got dark and bad, and never really recovered

@zeroISinfinity Yeah it's true no one in my life ever really said this stuff so blunt. I guess people thought because I was in law school then no problem, but i never expressed how deep down i knew it was all wrong and something is off about life. Rock bottom is coming. I see how fucked everything is around me right now. Nahm tried his best but I don't think I'm ready for his teachings. Going to go with therapy and psychiatrist and re build life from scratch.

@Galyna At this point it's all just labels. Type of person i am right now, unhappy, selfish etc can be thought of as my entire personality or ego. That's where the issue is. So whatever it takes to get personality/ego to be functional, self sufficient, happy etc is where i need to spend energy and focus.

@zeroISinfinity Thanks man. I wish you well too

Yeah i talked to him yesterday, it was a good talk. I imagine he'll deal with similar situations in the future haha so it could be good practice. It's delusional to think it's his fault that i dropped out of law school, or that i'm in current depressive episode. I imagine this sort of blame and transference is common with people working with think/personality disorders.

@zeroISinfinity Psychotherapist and psychiatrist are not examples of keep doing it my way. I never tried either of those seriously over the past year because i thought people on the forum were beyond that and could give more wisdom. Do you have any idea what therapy and psychoanalysis even do? Is my problem that i'm spoiled brat who won't grow up, and needs to be taught hard lesson about realities of growing up and being adult. And/or is the problem my belief and thoughts are fucked, and i keep replaying same unhappy story to myself over and over and producing same result, with no ability to create space to focus on positive thoughts and find relief. I'm pretty sure the second part is a big problem of what's going on with me too. I can address number two with professional help, why wouldn't i do that first before exiling myself to live a hard life?

@zeroISinfinity This dynamic of doing healing work to feel better is literally what good therapist and psych will do. You realize i could go to psych and therapist, get on whatever treatment program or structure, and then use that as bridge to get other stuff going to. Like exactly what i did last time. I'm literally saying i'm going to seek out professional help and get expert opinions on how to move forward with these problems, which are real problems. Hopelessness, shame, regret, no joy, melancholy, no interest etc all of these are literally why mental health work exists in the first place. I agree about what happened last time. Biggest mistake i made was i went back to living old life. Go to school, be a doctor/lawyer etc like family wanted. I fell right back into the trap that got me depressed. Now i have experience and would not go down prestige trap. I have nothing to lose at this point by seeking professional help and trying to address problem with conventional approach of therapy and meds. Worst case it doesn't work and i'm at rock bottom again, which i'm at right now. I'm pretty fucking sure based on convos with Nahm and my own experiences, that theres no problem in my life other than one's created by unconscious beliefs and perspectives that i haven't uprooted and seen through yet. You know how fucking stupid i'd have to be to just throw away all resources that could address this simple problem, to go hard mode and give up all resources. There are clearly core beliefs and repressed emotions that driving behavior. Psychoanalysts literally target these two areas of the self. Imagine i just did what you said, gave up all resources and just roughed. i'd spend 20 years grinding my way to financial point where i can address core beliefs that are causing misery. There's no way you've thought any of this through.

@zeroISinfinity I'm not seeking anymore, not in the sense that i expect to find awakening or enlightenment or bliss etc. I'm going still going to talk to Ramaji because i enjoy the call, and there's no downside to continuing. Good thing about seeking map with stages, is i know if i'm at a certain stage or not. if nothing changes in direct experience over next few months and i'm stuck at a singular stage then i'll know to just move on. I don't have any actual life stuff going on. Today i woke up, had tea and oatmeal from my grandma, argued with you and freaked about Nahm, then went to doorshop until 7, then talked to my mom about her maybe being sick and worrying about me and my brother, then sent some emails to psychoanalysits/psychiatrists, then weighed blueberries, now i'm on couch talking to you. The entire day is permeated by background sadness and hopeless feeling. I'm pretty fucking sure this is depression, and this is why they have therapists and psychiatrists to deal with problems like this. I wonder how many people just brute force through these feelings and thoughts, thinking they don't need therapy and meds because it's not real and then get stuck in misery for years for no reason. Every fucking idiot on this forum was sucking off @winterknight a few months ago, before i got here. I actually heard of him from one your posts. You know what he fucking said. Seekers should see psychoanalyst before going for full awakening because psychological baggage will be too much to notice results. He said work through psychological issues first. Which is exactly what i'm going to do.

Yeah it's not a real job. My parents just want me to go because they think it makes me less depressed being out at the farm then being at home. You literally have no idea what you're talking about here. Relative to the balkan wars, yeah i have no problems. But relative to spoiled kids who have issues with responsibility, motivation, purpose etc there is work to do. You realize what counts as needing help/therapy is all relative right? In 100 years people will look at my life the way you look at guy who survived Albanian genocide. Imagine holocaust survivor telling woman being beaten by her husband that she has no problem because at least he's not throwing her into an oven. Purpose of therapy is to help with finding joy, purpose, motivation etc. Literally there's entire fields of jobs designed to address problems i'm having. There's no rule that says oh because you are unhappy because of privledge there's nothing to be done for you. Maybe therapist will say same as you idk we'll see. When i was 19 i was depressed and sad because of balding. I wasn't even close to balding at that time just like a little hair loss. It destroyed my psyche. Went from straight A's to failing and not going to class. I was spoiled brat then to with same issues. You know what fucking worked? Exercise, cold showers, CBT, re framing memories, re framing perspectives. All this stuff is what therapists are designed to do. You are so fucking stupid you would have said oh that's not real problem man, you got to man up forget about hair and move out and get going. I actually got better from that depression, it completely changed my life, i had never felt that good in my life. My parents grew up like you. Both familes are no nonsense incredibly hard workers. Both my parents know me and my brother are weak, lazy etc. They think problem was oh we weren't hard enough on them, kids were too spoiled. Actual problem was we got fucked beliefs about self confidence, relationships, always believing we are flawed, life's a bitch and then you die. Highest motivations and pursuits from places of well being and love. You may be right that the only way through is to just pack up and go solo mode. But i'll be damned if i don't at least try to seek out help, and find people practicing methods that i've had work for me in the past.

Yes, i'm trying to escape my hopelessness, isolation, dissatisfaction, apathy. I know it's time to grow up, but therapy and psychiatry are real tools to help people with this kind of stuff. I can face fears and difficulties while working with a psychotherapist. That's what they do, you go into your past, childhood etc to uncover traumas and beliefs that are preventing from moving on with my life and growing up. Me being spoiled, acting like a child, not taking responsibility etc is rooted in codependent relationship with parents. All this stuff is understood and explored through therapy. I agree with your diagnosis here, but i you are completely discounting the role of therapy and healing methods in addressing this stuff. I recognize all the above as a problem, but that's exactly what you can work with therapists about. Therapists will help you go into your shit and see why i'm continuing to fuck up etc. I did this once before when i was 19 and depressed, i went into childhood memories of my aunt chasing me down and me hiding in a cloest, and my dad throwing me outside and hitting me, i went into memories like these and tried to console my inner child. It really worked. I felt amazing then after all that work, i didn't even know about the path but it felt like happiness and life was just so good then it was crazy. Music even sounded better, i looked different in the mirror, i was better at sports etc. And that was just random stuff i was doing on the spot, no therapy, no guidance etc. Meds could be useful for energy and apathy. Right now i'm focused on just general sadness and hopeless feelings most of day, it could be easier to plan for future and set habits with either numbed out emotion, or maybe temporary boost in feeling. There's psych meds for increased energy too, so they could help get an exercise routine going, because right now i have no motivation and energy, and just quit too easy in workouts. I'm not a doctor these are just things off the top of my head. Yeah i agree with you here. There was one girl who was pretty cool who i went on a few dates with, but I think she sensed i was a loser, and just didn't want to commit. In Vancouver people living at home in 20s isn't like in other cities. Average house price is well over a million dollars, most people can't afford anywhere close to that, so my situation is not that abnormal like it would be in other areas. I work with my family, so it's not like i'm fully unemployed, lots of people are on legit government benefit because COVID layoffs. Also even me in loser state i am now, still tall and good looking, still smart, still wealthy family, emotionally sensitive etc... most girls could do worse than me even though i'm a loser. I don't disagree with your assessment, i'm trying to be a better person. You ever hear of all or nothing type thinking. That's what you're doing now. It's either i just get up move out and rough it completely, or i'm going to be loser and nothing will change. That's what i'm going to therapist and psych to get best possible advice on how to move through this and improve. I may be a spoiled loser but i'm motivated to change and i'm willing to go as deep into psyche as necessary to learn about myself and understand why life is playing out as it is. I was depressed before, 1 whole year. It was kinda similar to how i am now, just hopeless, apathy, low esteem, no will or drive to do anything. And i fixed it in like 2 weeks. I felt way better, after those two weeks i still had same privileged problems at core, but i felt better i had confidence, energy to exercise etc. It makes way more sense to address that problem then what you're saying. Also motherfucker, you haven't figured this shit out either. You are not weak in same way as me, but you don't empathize with me. I read your journal all the time... you FEEL love. You can cry. You have creative power to design dream life. You just choose not to for some reason. I don't give a fuck if this dude @Raptorsin7 is not real and this is just game to experience. I fucking love video games and dreaming. I have happy dreams every night, it's like i have two separate realities going. I would jump at the chance to live my waking life as the dreams i always experience. I'm pretty sure your life is much more dream like than mine, but you won't accept it. I would take it in a heart beat no questions asked to just enjoy the life time as a dreamer. I don't mind harsh criticism feel free to keep going at me.

@Galyna Yeah I think so too. I never really gave traditional therapy, psychiatry etc a shot before going for "enlightenment" or whatever. All my problems are "me" problems. It's pretty much all problems created in how i think about stuff and the perspectives/beliefs i hold, so I have faith in therapy.

@zeroISinfinity I know that most people here are engaging in some form of escapism, i'm doing it too. I never really cared about awakening, i just wanted relief from unhappiness, and to find a happy state of being. I've been depressed before, and whatever i did then really worked and i felt better and was no longer depressed. There was a guy on the forum a while back, @Stakres he told me to forget about awakening and deal with this as a mental health problem, and seek professional help. I think it's time i put a lot of this stuff behind me and just find some stability with meds/therapy to move forward with life. Maybe, but there's people on the forum who i trust that claim they were of help. Look at charlie and haumea, ask them about it. If you don't think they're woke then so be it, but tbh they seem better integrated than you with all this work. If i spend a few months worth of calls and get no where then so be it, but it's worth at least sticking it out. Read Ramaji's 1000 and see what you think. Idk he seemed to describe a lot of stuff i've seen people talk about on the path, even stuff you're going through.

@Galyna I appreciate what you said. I think my animosity towards Nahm is just based on my present unhappiness and regrets. I don't think he did anything wrong or outside the bounds of what a professional does to help, I'm just tired and frustrated of being this unhappy. I agree with this. I'm planning on getting into additional therapy with all the other stuff i'm doing, and i've definitely learned a lot about the process and myself which should give me lots of material to work through.

@zeroISinfinity Yeah i understand. The entire convo is sickening, but i guess it needed to be said. I think you're right about needing to move out and go on my own. There's a good trade/technology school where i live, i think i'll have to plan on moving out and then getting student loans to get into the program. It feels sick that i'm going down this path, but you really think there itsn't another way. I haven't read much about co-dependence, but i'm assuming the dynamic i have between me and my parents is part of the reason i'm feeling stuck and powerless in life.

@Nahm I did tell you i was dropping out. The idea for the website was so simple. Work with enlightened coach, find happiness/enlightenment, then write about it and play the video game talking about the experiences on a streaming service. You told me it was a great idea. You told me the issue of attaching happiness to it, but you never addressed the question of being happy. That was the entire purpose of our calls. I talked to you every week for like 5 months, you never headed caution or gave follows up on progress etc. You told me this like 2 weeks ago, you never mentioned this for the months we were together prior to this. I tried almost everything you said or did. You and i worked together for like 5 months every week man. If you noticed that i wasn't following up like you wanted, you should have said something. It's life coaching, these are the kinds of issues you're supposed to talk about aren't you? Discipline, the fact that i wasn't following through? You never brought those topics up during our calls. I am pretty mad, because these core issues with my character etc were never addressed in the calls. The personality/character issues are becoming much more obvious to me now, but isn't that exactly what we should have been addressing in the calls? I feel mislead to the degree that the issues that are most prominent right now in my life, absence of responsibility, immaturity, narcissism etc were never once addressed in the calls. The expectation of life coaching from my end was to improve my life, improved mood, improved whatever. None of these things happened. I guess it's more buyers remorse, but when the product being offered is happiness and life improvement, and a person comes away after months of coaching with negative returns in those categories, the resentment makes sense.

@zeroISinfinity I understand and agree with what you're saying. But right now there isn't any motivation to that. I am a spoiled brat and i'm getting what i deserve based on how i act and live. Do you think if i had the fucking discipline, motivation, will power to just get up and 180 my life i would even be in this spot? There's a background misery that's just kinda present now, i'm not a suicidal person but i guess my true rock bottom will be when i make a plan to just get up and go on my own. I do blame Nahm. He never said to me what you're saying now. No one said hey if you're a spoiled brat and your parents support you, then this happiness stuff won't work for you and you will continue to be miserable. No one said hey you're going to have to just fully detach from your parents and make it on your own if you're going to find any happiness and peace in this ilfe. Wouldn't that be useful information to know before i give up on something that is a pathway to independence? Obviously it's my fault too because i'm the one who didn't think ahead on how the future would unfold, and no one can really fix this but me. But what you're saying now, which i agree with, is not what he told me. I'm not denying one bit that he is happy and awake, and can help people. But given what you just said and where my life is heading now, some anger and resentment makes sense. Blame is useless, being mad at him or anyone isn't going to help me. I have to live with the consequences of my decisions. I guess resenment is a better word.

Do you think i have to do it all alone? Right now the plan is for family to pay for apartment, and me and my brother get jobs to pay expenses and go from there. But i've been thinking that it's still co-dependence/attachment to parents. I'm going to try what i'm doing for a few months, i think by January i'll be at cross roads where it's either move to monastery or just tell my parents they gotta kick me out and let me survive on my own. Another thing. I'm pretty much done giving advice on the forum because i realize i'm a fucking idiot, and i'm in no place to give anyone advice. But make sure you have an idea of what you're saying if you're giving advice. I wish Nahm told me i was a spoiled brat who needed to move out and get hard, rather than go on fairy tale enlightenment journey for 7 months that led me to worse place than i started. Don't mislead people if you don't really know what you're talking about it, like i bet i've done a bunch here.

@zeroISinfinity 1. I haven't been playing Lol, and the reason i was playing was for the website idea. I don't really know what counts as addictions, i don't do drugs or drink. I guess phone and interest use are probably biggest addictions at this point. You don't even understand RASA. I'm not giving up on it so easily, i let go out law school hastily and it was a huge fucking mistake. I don't do other spiritual stuff, and i haven't used psychs since working with Ramaji. As for psychs. Have you seen research on psychs and depression? You realize that if i'm building a new life that's the time to use them, they help with resetting your mind and giving you clarity to build new habits. I never used Psychs like leo to just hit peaks and then come down and do nothing different. I used them basically as anti depressants. We were planning on getting a two bedroom apartment in city, and then me and my brother move out together and pay expenses etc. Vancouver is crazy expensive, i don't have good enough qualifications to get a job that can support rent and living etc. I'm looking for a job but with Covid it's tough. I think there's going to be vaccine in January so hopefully there's more available. If the idea is to just to throw away spoiled life and start from scratch. Why shouldn't i just move to a monastery for a few years? Wouldn't that accomplish the same thing?

You didn't hurt anything, i'm fucking emotionally numb so what the fuck are you going to hurt. I've been trying to cry for like 5 months, and even this entire rant here has gotten like some water in the eyes but nothing. I know you don't have to be awake to live a good life, i've overcome depression like this before and felt way better and felt like i had figured out many of my psychological issues. But i thought enlightenment work would help with all that. I changed my life in 2 weeks when i got yelled at by my dad, wouldn't it make sense that working with an enlightened guru would yield more results then some random self help work on a 19 year old depressed kid. It turns it didn't and my life is worse now than when i first came here. I don't even know what master life means. I just want to be happy, feel good, and be motivated to live life. That's the entire reason i'm here.

Yeah i've been realizing this a lot since i came back home. I've always been pretty immature, but i was always in school and on some path to something so i guess it was never a problem. I have one brother but yeah my parents are protective of me. Both my parents had more strict, hard upbringing so i guess they went easy on me and my brother. And yeah my dad thinks i'm useless, we have a few family business's but they never give me any real work and i guess it goes both ways, because i'm not motivated to just work hard with them and they don't mind either. I have some friends, but i don't have a real social net work to go and meet girls. Most of my friend are kinda shy, and reserved like me so there isn't a lot of out outward interactions. I'm using the apps to find a girlfriend, so if i find someone to date it could work but yeah i guess i do need to get out there and meet more people. I know i'm not grown up, i'm a weak person. But i thought this work would help me get more out myself and help me grow up. I've had a point in my life where i was down and depressed, like now, and i managed to lift myself up with a bunch of different self help stuff. It really worked, i felt way better. I thought working with Nahm and the forum etc would help with that. I don't want to be miserable spoiled brat, i expected some of this shit to actually work. I fucking dropped out of law school because i thought this would work for me, no one told me what you just said. I had 7 months worth of calls with Nahm and he didn't tell me this wouldn't work for me as long i didn't grow up. I know i don't have strength. But how do i unlock strength with in. There must be a version of myself that isn't a weak depressed child, but how i do find that person? Isn't that the fucking point of this work is to get more out of yourself, and be a better person. All the things you've pointed out about are the fucking reason i came here, self help to become a better person. Whatever i've been doing hasn't worked so far so i agree i need to change focus. I have to give Ramaji a chance for at least a few months before i give up on it, but you could be right about enlightenment not happening for me given how i currently am. But i don't know what to do. I have no prospects, i have a pretty useless degree. My plan right now is this: 1. Work with Ramaji and live at home doing what i'm doing hoping the RASA and the coaching brings some progress on the path. lfccharlie and haumea are both self realized and swear by the RASA so it's the best option i have so far. 2. If that doesn't work i'm going to start seeing a therapist every week and get on anti depressants. 3. If anti depressants don't work then i'm going to do therapy and psychedelics for the depression. 4. If all those fail then i'm probably going to join an ashram or maybe the military idk. The problem with my life is how unhappy i am and how disconnected i am from the world. I have no motivation, i have no desires, i have no dreams that inspire action. I thought this work would address all that. Doesn't enlightenment bring happiness?? Isn't self realization, realization of the happiness inherent in your own being? What would you do if you were me?

@zeroISinfinity Yes I do. Don't hold punches it's okay, do your worst.