Raptorsin7

Still stuck at constant low, depressed state. Constant thoughts about re-current topics. Regret and longing about the law school experience and dropping out. Worry that i'll be stuck in this limbo state for the rest of my life. Shame and embarrassment about seeing people in the world, and admitting to my failures and inadequacies. Worry that i'll be a man child for ever, shame around being a man child right now. I have had a few dreams this week about law school, and they have been a constant them of regret about dropping out, and a desire to experience the fullness of what could have been offered by the experience. I want to bury my head in the sand and just retreat from society, it's basically what i'm doing now tbh. My life and my mind have become completely toxic. My days are pretty much the same, wake up lay in bed and feel comfort and feel shame/regert over how my life is, then i go to the farm and do minimal work and just read my book or listen to podcasts, and i've been a lot of junk food and i'm pretty sure i'm type 2 diabetic right now because i feel tingling in my feet, and then i come home and just go right to bed. The shadow of entitlement, intimacy issues, dependence, being stuck in my comfort zone, arrogance, poor discipline, irresponsibility are coming out. I have no idea how this is going to get better. A guy in my law school said i'm the laziest person he ever met, he was right. I'm pretty sure I have boarder line personality disorder. When i was talking to my mom about getting a job, i almost got insanely mad because she was disagreeing with me. My mom does everything for me, and i'm completely ungrateful and i'm still a spoiled brat. You would think with my life being so shit and me being aware of it that i would be humbled, but i'm not. I'm still entitled and spoiled. These problems are so deeply rooted. How is RASA, energy healing, therapy, psychiatraic meds, psychidelics etc how does that solve this? But all these problems are due to emotional repression? Lol that's what I think, i'm just hoping for a miracle. I always thought things would work out, i always believed that my life would work out. For some people life doesn't work out, there are millions if not billions of people in the world and their lives will not work out and life just goes on with or without people being happy. This is the first time in my life i've had genuine suicidal thoughts. I've heard suicide is the cowards way out, and i think there's truth to it. It's easier to commit suicide then suffer and deal with the pain and resistance of changing. My parents try and they love me, but i ended up rotten. The other day i was thinking how much a relief it would be if my dad and uncle died so i could inherit the money and just buy a house somewhere in the middle of no where and just retire and live out my days. My parents gave me every chance to succeed and this is how I think about them. This is dark. And it's not even that dark because it's all created inside my delusional mind. I don't even know how you deal with this. 10 years of therapy? Mushroom trips every week?

@Zigzag Idiot Thanks I appreciate the words. Do you have any thoughts on moving past these emotions? I think i have a completely toxic relationship with my emotions and i don't express or process emotions in a healthy way. I don't how much to blame my emotional disregulation on my current problems in life, but i'm tempted to say a lot. I'm trying a lot at this point to work through this and become better, but idk there's a lot fucked up here and i'm honestly scared of the future and just what's in store for life.

I feel hopeless, and it's entirely self created and self reinforced. I'm miserable because I see the trajectory i'm going down,(man child, entitled, spoiled, can't keep a job, work a shitty job, shame,) and i don't even have a will to change it. I know i need a normal job and i have to suck it up and move out and take the shame on the chin of being a drop out loser working a minimum wage job, but i don't want to do it. I want to change, but i don't want to suffer the necessary requirements too change. I'm fucked. I don't think this will get better. I'm so fucking spoiled, entitled, ashamed, anti social,. I feel like an inferior human being. I didn't see any of this coming, even though in hindsight now i can see how many life patterns have led me here i really thought i'd figure it out at some point, either in law school, after law school idk. I am so disconnected from what's actually going on in the world and with other people, i lived in my own fantasy land of my head, and now i'm reaping what was sown. I really wish i didn't drop out of law school now, it was such an insanely stupid decision. Right now i have 0 career prospects, I have to look for a random minimum wage job to support myself. At least if i finished law school i could use the degree to work for the government, or find some employment or something. I was completely self destructive. I am a disturbed person, and this is not going to end well the way it's going. Spoiled, entitled. bratty adult children do not end up well, and this is textbook. I've never been suicidal really in my life, but recently it's the closest i'm come to genuine suicidal thoughts. There really does feel like there's no point, and i'm so sensitive and fragile any negative or shameful thoughts it just sends me into a tailspin. It's not even real hardship either. This stuff is all a complete joke. No one would look at this and be like this guy's struggling, this is all narcissism, entitlement, fake problems. Man it feels like i'm in a weird nightmare, but it's not really a nightmare because my life isn't that bad, but i'm so sick of this stuff. All my hopes are basically with prozac/lithium/wellbutrin. That's it, that's my best shot is a cocktail of antidepressants. I have no idea if it will work, do the drugs cure entitlement, narcissism, fear, shame, inability to take responsibility and action? I don't think they do that but i have nothing else.

So i've had this issue of dealing with a blockage in my head for a while now. There's a pressure/knot in my head, and i've been looking for ways to release it and I think found something. I've released the pressure in a significant way on LSD, and it produced the greatest experience of my life, where i felt relaxed and tension free for the first time in a long time. Today i start forcefully flexing my head, like i'm in an intense sob where you are just deep into the sensations of the head, and i've felt a sort of unwinding of the tension slowly. When i hold and flex really hard, it feels like i'm going to pop a blood vessel or something (just an expression i don't actually know what will happen), and i end up feeling lightheaded and my heart races pretty fast after holding it. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Is there a chance i can damage myself by trying to forcefully contract the muscles in my head so the pressure releases? Does anyone have any experience releasing this kind of tension?

@AlphaAbundance Dude i just googled the exercise, and it feels psychedelic when i pressure my head. It's kinda freaky, i've never even really got this with LSD. I'm getting visuals, and i had moments of being gone.

Does anyone have any insights into using psychedelics for treating depression? I am planning on reading the current studies available, but having first hand accounts is probably better. I've had a handful of LSD trips, and a few trips felt like emotional breakthroughs and provided a sort of reset, but i've done 1 trip in the past 4 months and i've lost all momentum of previous trips. I do fear i'm going to fall into a trap of just repeatedly taking psychedelics trying to fix myself only to realize little progress, or make some progress and end up back at square 1 like what has happened to me this year. But i've had experiences with psychs that showed me glimpses of possible therapeutic effects of these drugs in forming habits and providing a reset from a rut. I'd say my biggest issue is emotional suppression and just an inability to relax and let go. There have been a few times on LSD where i was able to just relax and let go, but i've only gotten close to a full on cry/emotional release once and that was the day after a breakthrough trip. Also, what role can psychs play in addressing personality/character flaws? I have issues with responsibility, maturity, arrogance, self obsession, etc and i want to uproot this stuff and grow into a more mature, self sufficient human. I'm planning on see a psychotherapist multiple times a week for the near future so i'm hoping this works out, but i don't want to fall into the trap of spending years in therapy going round in a circle, only to make marginal progress in improving myself.

I don't even know how to describe my current feelings. There's just a flat, empty feeling. It feels hopeless, i really have no idea what to do. Note: I want to purpose, drive, and a reason to live and thrive. But i'm stuck just ruminating and going in circles in my mind. I'm such a fuck up. Dropping out the way i did it was so fucking stupid, it was a classic immature, irresponsible, idiot move. My main hope is anti depressants, i feel like that's a flimsy fucking thing to put hope into. I'm basically using anti depressants the way i'm using enlightenment. Putting my hopes and dreams in something external that will fulfill me, and finally allow me to get my life going. I really hope i can get out of this and start a new chapter of my life that is happy and positive. But it feels hopeless right now, and i see no signs of things turning around soon. I feel like i'm getting what i deserve too, so many years of being an immature idiot who didn't take responsiblity, now it's coming back around and i'm paying the price.

What do you think the ceremony would do? My fear would be that i'd have this incredible experience, and then come back to my life and just fall back into the same ruts and habits.

@bejapuskas I would prefer to trip alone, but if psych meds don't work for me then i'm going to find a therapist who's comfortable with me doing psychs so i have some accountability around the trips. I'm at such a low though, i don't know what else to really do. I would also need to do psychs regularly to maintain progress. I've had amazing psych trips that i thought would transform my life etc, but in hindsight one trip wasn't enough and the mistake was in not keeping up continual trips.

@Arcangelo Congrats on the A- Arc.

@bejapuskas I'm going to go with therapy and psychiatry for the near term, but if those don't work then psychs are the next line. I'm a mess, but I don't know what else to do. The psychs have showed promise before, and I cant ignore anything that can work I have pent up emotion and tension that I can't let out. I can literally feel the tension and pressure in my head. The psychs have let me release the pressure before, and the closest I've come to a full on cry was after a break through trip.

I feel inferior looking at the Instagram of a girl I went out with a few times. I envy her and the kind of person she is. She was so well adjusted, kind, aware, and smart, and grown up/responsible. I want what she has, but I don't know how to not feel defective and feel right. Note: It bothers me because she is a good girl, a solid stage yellow international student. She is a self actualized human imo, and I just didn't live up. I think she sensed I was kind of lazy, entitled, immature, and that I wasn't a good catch and she was right. I've felt this inferiority about certain people my whole life. Part of it is my race, I've always had an inferiority complex about being Indian. I also feel inferior about the kind of person I am, and the life I live. I'm as smart as anyone in a good university, but I lack the character. Some people at college were volunteering, going to parties, planning their future etc. I didn't do any of that stuff, and I feel inferior looking at people now who did.

@Javfly33 Yeah i agree that more frequent trips would likely serve me better to untangle my mind. I'm going to try conventional psychiatric meds first and see how I feel, i've read some reports by people about the profound effect of normal psych meds, and it may be enough to get my life moving in a different direction.

Last time i was depressed, when i was 19, i was hopeless and whiny etc like I am now. But through random practices i did then i reached a point where the fog of depression was lifted, and i had real momentum with life. Increased energy, confidence, will power. Life was so much better, and it was much easier to function. It was like i was a different person. I just want to learn how to feel better, like i did last time and live from a place of well being, as opposed to living from this depressed place. I bet moving out, working 9-5, working on a business etc are all much more doable when i'm not miserable, hopeless, depressed etc. Something has to work. Psychs, therapy, antidepressants, RASA, idk what else but there has to be something that can get me right. You said you had a friend like me, but did he ever try to change his circumstance? Did he want to be different? No way i'll be here in 4 years, i can find a way.

@Nahm I'm going to try psychiatric meds first but I think mushrooms will be the next thing i try if meds don't provide relief. I do think i need some kind of intervention to make my mind more manageable (I know you're going to say i don't need anything, and nothing is wrong haha) but the anxiousness/tension has really only been released through drugs. I think it's possible psych meds can take the edge off to a degree that all this other advice will make more sense, and will be easier to apply. How much of this is beliefs vs emotions being locked in the body unable to be let out? My guess is when you're relaxed, and have purged out lots emotions and the body is less contracted then it's a lot easier to notice beliefs and be able to pick perspectives and control the mind in a way that's more conducive to well being and happiness. I talked to a therapist recently and she told me her approach is mostly focused on emotions, and how she believes emotions get stored in the body and people carry around stuff without even noticing. I do wonder how much i would be thinking about all this stuff, if i just felt relaxed, energized, light, free etc. I'm hoping this is where meds/psychs can be most effective. Loosen me up a bit so i'm more ammenable to express and release the emotions.

@Arcangelo I appreciate the advice, but I don't want to be a kidult... I want to become a mature, self actualizing human being. I'm planning on doing some solo travelling when the air ports open up again, and I'm going to do a solo retreat towards the end of summer. Did you ever try therapy or meds? Why do you think you're so fucked? There's a lot I haven't tried before I'm ready to throw in the towel... but even if I got all my inheritance tomorrow and lived care free, I think I would still be miserable.

I feel tense. When i bring attention to how i feel, the first thing i notice is the tension/pressure in my head. I feel lethargic and heavy. Note: My mood is very unstable. Sometimes i feel okay and can think clearly about what i want to do next, and how i can overcome this stage of my life. Then other times i just feel so much regret, doubt, lethargy that i feel like i can't even function properly. I am seeking comfort at every turn throughout the day and it's killing me i know it. Facing fears and getting uncomfortable is the name of the game of growing I think, and i am doing the complete opposite and it's just adding to the depression.

I feel regret, stemming from thoughts about dropping out of law school. I feel shame when I think about peoples response when I tell them I dropped out. I feel the sensation in my head deeply right now. This is the part of my body responsible for all my good trips. It's all like the pressure and tension is wound them in this one region. I've yet to learn about how to control this area and release it naturally. The only way I know of is with lsd, but I havent taken it in months. Psychs are my last resort if none of this other stuff works out for me. God willing they won't be necessary. Note: What bothers me now is how I'm at a complete low, and law school was at least something to look forward to, and a source of pride. Also, I think of some jobs I could have done with the degree. It was such a hasty and impulsive decision. I had like 3 days per exam because of covid and I could have just wrote the exams and then decided to drop out later. It was complete self sabotage I notice that I dont fully feel emotions from thoughts. I want to feel emotions deeply, even negative emotions I don't feel deeply and consistently. Emotional blockage and suppression is likely my default state

I feel pressure in the center of my head, and tension in the crown of my head. I feel heavy. Note: I've heard descriptions of depression where there's a feeling of moving through mud, or moving through molases. I'm not sure if i'm just describing my experience with those words, I have no way of comparing to an actual bench mark or anything. I've never been diagnosed with mania or depression. But i've had the highs and lows over this past year that i think fits bipolar type 2. The thing is idk what's the difference between being engaged, motivated, inspired and what's unhealthy hypomania.

@Sombra Haha i'm glad you're following. I respect your style and I love your journal. Consider this one the opposite of yours. This is self loathing, weakness, and apathy. But the emotions flying higher to your set

I feel guilt/shame when my mom does stuff for me like make my lunch for work, or bosses me around. I judge myself for being a man-child, and when she does that stuff for me I feel the shame and guilt. Note: I think i fear that if someone was watching they would judge me negatively, and i also judge myself negatively for it.

I feel powerless. Note: It's difficult to pick one word that describes my current emotional state. It seems like i can describe this state with a number of different words, but does that defeat the purpose of the journal if i'm using 10 different words for a single emotional state? I would also say i feel heavy, lost/directionless, ashamed, worthless. I think all these words are describing a single emotional state? A worthless person would also be feeling ashamed and would also feel powerless.

I feel like i'm at rock bottom. I feel like a loser, and I have a giant blue shadow around discipline, work ethic, grit, etc. I'm an immoral personal, and i have no code or ethics by which i live my life. Does anyone have experience of being at rock bottom, and how they turned it around? I'm basically a complete loser right now, but i still have no desire or will to make radical changes. I have reached to various therapists, analysts, psychiatrists etc so i'm going to throw the book at this, but i do feel if anyone of this is going to work it has to start with me, and i just feel like a complete and total fuck up who isn't capable or willing to make necessary changes.

This is a good idea, and something I haven't tried really ever. I'll give this one a shot, I like the idea of pure solitude. Maybe all the stuff you've been saying will be seen in a different light when i'm completely alone, without any distractions.

I understand this is the issue, but i've been on this single point for months now and it's not clicking. I try to meditate and then i just give up, keep attention on thinking, or finish a session but i never get any emotional release through sitting and breathing. The closest thing that's worked is breathing with LSD, but i don't know what that was now. The bliss and full relaxation of the head only came from being high as a kite plus trying to relax. I have no idea how to actually relax, and neither does anyone in my immediate family. I'm going to see a psychiatrist in the coming weeks, and i'll likely get either lithium or prozac, i've heard prozac is good for relaxing so i bet all this stuff will work better with the added effect of an antidepressant. I have the belief though. I am in that condition as we speak, and trying to sit down and meditate to let it go has done virtually nothing for me over the past 6 months in providing lasting relief. I really don't think i can work out that belief and feeling just by myself. I've tried and i end up on a roller coaster of improvement, only to end up back where i started or worse off. I internalize and personalize a lot, everything in my life has always come down to who I am, judging aspects as either positive or negative. But i don't know how to find all the beliefs, and then just stop believing them. Saying to myself I am a good person, vs saying i am a loser, doesn't produce that much of a difference in feeling. I think it comes back to the avoidance and suppression of feeling. I know i do this, i have all sorts of behavioral ticks like scratching, leg shaking etc that are all about avoiding feelings, but being aware doesn't get me any closer to fixing it. I've spoken to a psychoanalyst, and she told me a key to success in therapy is forming an emotional relationship, where the person is comfortable expressing and feeling emotions, and success is influenced by how much a person has the capacity to and is willing to feel into their emotions. I really think this is something I need to do and will benefit be more than anything else. My relationship with my parents is emotionless. Both my parents are emotionally immature, and i've never had a relationship with another human being that was emotionally sensitive and completely open. I've got the point before here from people on the forum, i think what i need is therapy, not enlightenment and advanced self help. My base is fucked, and it's like everything else i do is adding stuff on quicksand. Until the base is affirmed nothing will stick. I can't really travel anywhere right now because of Covid, but i'm going to start doing intensive psychotherapy for 3-4 times a week for the foreseeable future. The foreseeable future is just that for me. I'm going to try and get a job with my family, and just spend virtually all time outside of work to address these issues. Who knows how long it will take, but i got nothing else to do in this life time, and whenever i solve it, i'll have the second half of my life to finally be a whole and functioning human being. I've seen/heard the script of therapy and meds working well for lots of people. A balanced mind, with energy and some will power, if i can get that from therapy and meds and live my life then it's a win in my book.