inquire

Hi guys, I have been living basically day to day for the past four or more years with obsessively fixating on something in my sensory field. I've always had low self-esteem and self-image issues so I think that might be a big part of it. Basically I always am distracted and my attention is always on some type of obsessive fixation. A big one started right after I had a panic attack/heart problem about four years ago. I started fixating every day on my chest and the feeling of pressure right where my heart is located. It causes me massive anxiety and interferes with everything I do. It is always in the back of my mind, and it never feels like I can be fully mindful or attentive to any activity, including social interactions, without having this point of awareness on something. It feels like I am mentally stuck on it and can't stop. Some examples are the creases in my shoes from them bending, the feeling of stuff in my shorts pockets being loose and hitting my legs while I walk, my posture not being perfectly straight, my uneven eyebrows, and the one right now is I can't stop focusing on my new glasses i'm wearing. I'm always fixating on the fact that they are on and I can see them, and that they aren't always perfectly straight on my face. I focus on the actual ridges of the glasses, or the way they feel on my ears. This literally feels like it is preventing me from seeing anything farther than right in front of my face. I think a big part is not being able to accept the glasses don't fit me perfectly, or my shoes are not perfectly without crease, or my pockets aren't perfectly still so nothing will fall out. Or sometimes it will be just fixating on the way a certain piece of clothing fits me. Like the feeling of my collar on my neck because it's not perfect. Or the feeling of a long shirt on my butt because it is not perfectly short enough. I always am obsessed with my self image and what I look like to other people in public too. It causes me a lot of anxiety. I find myself constantly playing images of what I look like in my head. Like it is a must that I always know how I am being perceived. The point is it is always something. It has to do a lot with my visual field. Even if its not my glasses, which are really hard, it feels as though the consciousness of the feeling of certain things on my body and the occurring thoughts with that sensation takes away my attention. It feels like it takes away my ability to concentrate with my eyes and with my vision. It feels when I am looking at something, it's like i'm not seeing it because i'm constantly thinking about the obsession/fixation. Or when i'm concentrating on something, i'm distracted. Sorry if this is confusing. I know it very well because it's been going on for a long time and I always hope it will go away but it just doesn't. It still confuses me to this day and it feels like no one else has this. I literally know it's so minuscule and doesn't matter, yet I can't stop obsessing and fixating over these things. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has experienced something similar. Thank you for reading this, I appreciate it. Love you guys.

The "coming together" of knower and known into Knowing. The "coming together" of experiencer and experience/experienced into Experiencing. Something I just heard from one of Rupert Spira's guided meditations yesterday that I got reminded of from reading your post.