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Thanks Raphael!

Oh! Thank you so much. That was exactly the intention when making this journal and I'm glad it's coming across That's the dream Goodness me! Of course! Dead Can Dance must be in my top 10 favourite bands of all time. The range of music they cover is insane, and it always takes you on a journey. They're the best!

The Beginning Of Something New There has been quite a tug of war going on inside of me the past month. I still feel a little withdrawn and vulnerable from the Primal retreat. Some time is needed to get to know my "new self", the one that suddenly speaks up for her boundaries and feels equal to the people in her life. Coming out of this experience though, I feel more certain than ever that I want to "do my own thing" professionally. I'd like to help people break through limiting thoughts and emotions and realise why they're arising for them. There just comes a point in this whole "self actualisation" or "spiritual" journey, where you realise that more concepts and gurus are not gonna be the answer. If you don't learn to relate to what's inside of you, you're ultimately gonna stay unfulfilled, stuck and will continue drifting from one teaching or method to the next. "Getting real" was the real "growing up" for me; as in: finally taking seriously the intimacy my own inner world. Becoming the only authority in my life. Something started shifting then, something profoundly that I feel is responsible for the amazing people and circumstances I now have in my life. I'm beyond blessed, really. "Stop working on yourself. Start relating to yourself", as Matt Kahn would say. I'd love to find a way to guide people to do just that. So I've looked into coaching. I thought about taking a course, checking it out, to see whether I could make a difference in people's lives by doing that. Trying to retrace the path that I followed, I've actually been in the process of condensing all of the most important and helpful knowledge I've ever found in books, videos, seminars and trips. I'm currently going through all my notes and writings, digital and hand written, which feels like I'm digging for gold. I never looked at them much after jotting them down, but now it's like I suddenly know why I took all those notes. I know that there is something there, somewhere, that is useful and no one has found before. I can intuit that. I'm just not sure how I could teach that (yet). Or what it even really is. But it's definitely gotten my attention. The thing is, I have 0 skills in marketing and I don't know a thing about coaching. People tell me I'm smart, see connections quickly and they feel safe and not judged with me. So those are pretty good requirements. But all the practicalities have to be learned, so I'm down for investing into an online course. Wherever I looked, I felt turned off by the exaggerated marketing though. The quick promises and shady sales people really made me feel like I'm being pushed to purchase something that actually goes against my values quite heavily. I felt like I was about to sell my soul for stepping my foot into the entrepreneur scene of ads and manipulation. Maybe I'm exaggerating. Probably. But there's something there I really don't like. It feels wrong. And I've learned to trust that feeling. So I'm not buying a course until I've found something that feels ethically sound. The point of doing this is actually becoming a good coach, developing myself and creating a safe space for people to do the same. If I have to do anything shady for that, anything that is untrue, harms or exploits people down the line, I'm not doing it. It's not worth it. I don't care how much money it would make me. I've had money in my life. It means nothing at that cost. So that's where I'm at right now. Phew. Let's see where this road leads.

Aw, thanks a lot I don't even know what DCD means to be honest Enlighten me!

Oh I love that man Like nobody can He moves mountains and pounds them to ground again

Best-man-I-ever-met-kind-of-guy

You can make money with almost anything. The real question is: Are you deeply passionate about it?

The Marriage of Heaven and Hell “The Giants who formed this world into its sensual existence and now seem to live in it in chains, are in truth the causes of its life & the sources of all activity, but the chains are the cunning of weak and tame minds which have power to resist energy, according to the proverb, the weak in courage is strong in cunning. Thus one portion of being is the Prolific, the other the Devouring: to the devourer it seems as if the producer was in his chains, but it is not so, he only takes portions of existence and fancies that the whole. But the Prolific would cease to be Prolific unless the Devourer, as a sea, recieved the excess of his delights. Some will say: ‘Is not God alone the Prolific?’ I answer: ‘God only Acts & Is, in existing beings or Men.” - William Blake https://the-inward-morning.com/journal/the-marriage-of-heaven-and-hell

Not Quite Back Yet Primal therapy has changed me, in subtle and obvious ways. I feel like I'm having a much wider view on reality now, whereas before I could only see a tiny bit. It also seems like the beginning of a process that will unfold for many weeks, months and years to come. I'm not quite ready to come back to high-energy-me as I'm feeling extremely vulnerable and open, but in a good way. I just need time to rest now. This felt like doing an 8-day surgery on myself, putting myself through a meat grinder, taking it all apart in agony, just to lovingly put the remaining pieces back together at last. Jesus Christ. Time to rest. "There's no freedom without freedom from the past." Many things cooking though. Things are getting very interesting. Love you all so much! And to everyone who’s not getting responses from me at the moment, thank you for your patience and understanding. https://the-inward-morning.com/journal/not-quite-back-yet

Bro. I'm this close to making a facebook account just to join your challenge Glad you're feeling better. Can't wait to talk to ya!

By being honest about your situation, you've already won half the battle. In terms of short term help, relax your body as much as you can, take deep breaths and treat yourself to something you really love. A new record, a bath, something that gets you out of your head a bit. Break the cycle of thinking by taking a walk or watching a movie. Dance like a crazy person to your favourite music. Also, talk to someone. Anyone. About anything. Get dialoging a bit, it will help you get unstuck. If you don't know with whom you could talk, I know @Nahm always has an open door/ ear Book recommendations: "Healing The Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw is great apparently, also "The Primal Wound" by John Firman. I can't vouch for these personally, but people I trust very much swear they're great. For more long-term solutions, I've just done a Primal Childhood deconditioning retreat. It digs deep into your childhood, into where patterns of shame and unworthiness come from and how they're holding you back in life. I can wholeheartedly recommend it. I saw you're from Germany. There are retreats all over central Europe quite regularly. Taking MDMA with a trusted friend in a safe space also helped me realise and unleash a lot of the confusion I carried around. If you do that though, make sure the dosage isn't too high and that the drug is tested and clean. This should be taken seriously. Daily meditation is key and probably the most worthwhile thing you can do out of all of them. All the healing will come by itself, you just need to create the space to let it in. All the best!

Awesome tantra playlist ?? https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5Z7j0sZAsoEabE3T7MjAus?si=be98841d32944bb7

Well, at least it gave me the "ew-feeling". I think nothing ultimately comes across that isn't genuine. Could be. Learning day by day

@Raptorsin7 Depends. In the morning: me. After coffee: him

Needing space (entry from one week ago) We've gotten a bit agitated at each other the past days. We're planning on moving in together soon and we're spending a lot more time together than we used to. Going from long distance to moving into the same apartment is quite a step. So something felt off. I felt needy and unfulfilled, even though we spent a lot of time together. I felt like he was somewhere else in his head. Not really with me. And that all the sweet things he did for me, he didn't always want to do. He felt a need to pull away. He needed to be alone. He needed a break from all the craziness I'm going through. It got strongest last night, when I got my period and was in a lot of pain. He decided to stay, to "be there for me" even though he actually wanted to be somewhere else. That was not a good idea. I somehow felt it and felt like shit. None of the soothing he gave me was really satisfying. When we honestly started talking about it today, it made me feel horrible to have been "taken care of" against his innate desire. He was there for me because he felt obligated to? Eww. Such a disgusting feeling in my body to hear that. I'm glad we're finally talking about it though. This has been building up for a few days. _______________ Gladly, we're currently reading a book that talks all about a mans need to pull away from time to time. So even though we both know now that that tendency is heathy, it just felt scary for him to admit. It would be so easy to neglect that feeling that says "This doesn't feel right anymore, I think a boundary is crossed". I had the same feeling in reverse when I sometimes let him do things in bed I didn't feel like doing in that moment. It's difficult to put a stop to it. You want to do it to make the other person feel good, so why not play along. There seems to be this belief that, if you love someone, you should always want to be there for them. Be a servant to their every wish, always wanting to be close. And if you start pulling away, you'll never come back. I'm basically admitting I'm not in love, right? Wrong. You can't actually feel love and attraction to another person if you don't spend time apart. We're both very creative and independent people with many cool ideas and interests. It's a full time job to honour them all. But it makes us who we are. It also makes us into the person the other one loves and appreciates. So we made an agreement to honour our individualities more. To consciously schedule in time apart. To not loose feeling ourselves as individual people. And to thereby enrich our relationship. Yes, I love it when he's there for me, but I can tell if it's real or not. He can love me more deeply when he feels himself fully. When he comes from that place, there's pure love in his eyes and taking care of me actually makes him stronger. And if that is not the case, I have other people and tools available to help me. I'm ultimately guiding myself when it comes to healing my shit, and I don't feel like putting this onto him alone anyways. Sometimes we're just not ready to be with each other yet. And that's ok. I miss my alone time too. So here's our agreement, we hung it up on the fridge: It says: Agreement 1. Boundaries I, Erik, agree to practice taking space when I need space. I, Maria, agree to not taking it personally or making Erik feel guilty when he needs space. We both know that a mans need to pull away is healthy & natural. It allows him to be more loving & present at the times he does spend with his partner. 2. Alone time & individuality We both agree to honour the other's individuality and need for alone time, and make an effort to schedule it and communicate about it. We both understand that our relationship will only benefit from the time we take to explore our own interests. 3. More boundaries I, Maria, agree to practice not neglecting my boundaries in bed just because I want to make Erik feel good. I, Erik, agree to practice not taking it personally when Maria says she doesn't like something. * It's not gonna be easy to implement this, but it's really the only chance we have. We're not gonna settle for a relationship that doesn't feel good. Nothing but 100% honesty is gonna fly. So we did. Here's a few thoughts on the time we spent apart: Maria I spent time with my family. It took a lot to not retract into making him feel guilty. That day was a bit of a roller coaster ride to be honest. But I enjoyed spending the day connecting with the kids, spending time in nature, take my favourite book, take a dip in the river. So many creative ideas bubbled up that can really only come when I'm not surrounded by other people. I could really feel myself again, my creativity. Feels great to be me again. The me only I know. Erik Felt really scary to just go with what I deep down feel like. Am I admitting I'm not in love? That's the fear. But it's wrong. I still love her just as much. But I feel like working on something alone right now. Is it about other women? Nope. Don't feel like having any woman around at this moment. I'm not even thinking about sex, and porn couldn't hold my attention. I just feel like getting purposeful work done, and talk to guys about getting purposeful work done. What if I never come back? Ah, the good old false fear that a state is permanent. A state is never permanent. Just gotta trust.

Happier Than Ever ?

Scarcity is a mindset, abundance a reality. Hashtag homegrown ??

Primal Therapy Off to a primal childhood decondtioning retreat. This is gonna be such a trip. A trip of personal growth, trauma healing and embodied spirituality. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm already glad I decided to do this. _________ Dear childhood self: I'm here now. Picking up the pieces and parts of me I left behind. I promised I would come back one day and make it right. Now's the time. Hurt people hurt people. Let's break the cycle. "Peace with our past, love in our present, and openness to our future." See you in 2 weeks folks. More pictures: https://the-inward-morning.com/journal/primal-therapy

"Love is the sea where intellect drowns." - Rumi

Thanks for the feedback Michael!

When a child is born When a child is born, the world seems to holds its breath. Time stands still. Presence fills the room. The presence of innocence and love. Looking at this child, we can’t help but be touched by the mystery we live in. Looking at each other, we suddenly know that its nothing short of a miracle that we’re here. https://the-inward-morning.com/journal/when-a-child-is-born

After my first "awakening experience" I had no idea how to put into words the beauty of what I've seen, the trust it created, the meaning it gave to my life. Some time later, I heard this excerpt from The Divine Comedy and I teared up because it so perfectly described what I've seen. All I wanted to do was read this poem for days. "I have been in that heaven the most illumined by light from Him And seen things which to utter, He who returns hath neither skill nor knowledge. For as it nears the object of its yearning, Our intellect is overwhelmed so deeply It never can retrace the path it followed. But whatsoever of the holy Kingdom Was in the power of memory to treasure Will be my theme until the song is ended.” - Dante

I really love that mechanism. Can observe it in so many things. INFJ to the core I'm not sure about Enneagram types. Do you know a good test you can recommend? I get different numbers every time I take one. I also don't get the "wing" thing. So I haven't really looked into it. I get 4 and 5 a lot. Also 9.

"In all intellectual debates, both sides tend to be correct in what they affirm, and wrong in what they deny." - John Stuart Mill

Overwhelm Part 2: Resolve and shifting the lens Dear uneasy feeling of overwhelm, thank you for helping me. I'm not sure how to deal with you when you arise, but I'm sure you're only here to help me evolve. I'm here now, to listen. I'll be as open as I can to your answers. What is it you want to tell me? So you're being as open as you can? Yes. Then you wouldn't have a problem with me arising. Are you forcing me to stay open? You're still trying to anchor yourself in things that don't define you. I'll just crank up the heat until you get that that doesn't work. Isn't that a super ungrounded way to live? When nothing is certain? It's probably the most sane way to live. Look around you, how do people live who want to secure things into place? Read full journal post: https://the-inward-morning.com/journal/overwhelm-part-2-resolve-and-shifting-the-lens Side note: This was 2 days ago. Can't say I'm implementing what I've learned at the minute. I'm a stressed chicken if there ever was one